It Will Be Worth the Adjustment - DivorceBusting.com

Kitty: Oh honey, so sorry you're going thru this!

Catching up with you, sending another big hug.
I know it hurts to hear what you've heard -- but
it's out on the table. Do you think your H exaggerated and dramatized? Maybe some of this will settle down.
Don't take to heart the stinging words.

Nothing is ALL OR NOTHING!

When things calm down -- and especially as you
LET HIM HAVE HIS OPINION and give things time --
your H will realize this.

Get some distance -- don't interact with him --
I know it's hard -- but make a space for yourself
in your home, if you can.

If you have to leave, don't frame it as "forever" --
and use the separation wisely for YOU.

(Is there a way U can ask HIM to leave?)

Meanwile, keep sane every which way you can
think of -- new routines, a class, trips
to the library -- you need DISTRACTION and
plenty of it.

Make a date with comedy? Once a week a dumb movie?
Surely the kids can recommend stuff?

(Or just take a look at California politics, hee hee.)

Thinking of you fondly, sending good wishes and
some elegant virtual bath oil.

Love,

Bridget

((((((((((Kitti)))))))))))

deb - thank you ever so much for being there for me yesterday, i really needed that extra bit of encouragement because i was going haywire at the time. you have been SUCH a good friend to me deb, and you always say the right things at the right times, not only to me but to everyone else. to answer your questions, please see my update below

pam - thank you pam, as you can see, i got VERY good advice!!! these people on board are the greatest yes? and don't think i didn't see the fact that david is on board. i have been enjoying reading the banter!!!

odga - well, too late! LOL please see my update below, btw - i am feeling MUCH better today than yesterday

sage - oh sage, where do i begin. instead of answering your thoughts in a thank you for your post, i will instead be addressing these issues in my update ok? sage, you are wise beyond your years, and you have given me much to think about, as usual

tal - thank you for stopping by in my time of need, i will be addressing your comments in my update as well.

elwood - isn't it true that sometimes we feel that we really know what is best and it doesn't always turn out that way eh? oh, why are we forced into making these kinds of decisions????

shiny - oh gosh shiny, just to know that someone else went thru this also and you are where you are today is so heartwarming - as with the others, i will be addressing your comments in my update.

bridget - WOW, thank you for coming to my thread, you said some VERY wise things that i will be addressing in my update...thank you so much

opt - thanks for the hug, it was just what i needed

*******************************

first, i have to thank each and every one of you for visiting my thread. i swear if i would have had internet connection this past weekend, i would NOT be in the condition i was in. i would have come to the board finally and let you all handle this instead of dealing with my husband about it.

to let you all know, i am at my inlaws...2.5 hours away from home. i am feeling MUCH better, but not feeling good about backsliding so very far backwards. oi vea - let me begin by telling you what transpired from the time i wrote my post until i finally left

hubby came out of his shower and asked to speak for a minute before he went to work. i sat with him on the couch and he started off by saying, you don't have to leave, this is your home. i cannot offer you anything different than what i have but this is your home. then he said in reference to our conversation about trying everything to make our r better, the following.

he said, i have been trying. i have been working on all the things i felt like i failed at in my life. the biggest thing i have failed at is that i have never made a good living for my family. not the one now nor the one in my first marriage. so i have worked harder in the last five months than i ever have in my life (true that).

because we are a religious family he pulled out the bible and turned to the scripture in galations that talks about the fruitages of god's spirit, you know, the love, joy, peace, long suffering, kindness, goodness, faith, mildness and self control.

he went thru each one of those qualities and told me what he was doing to manifest these qualities in his life at this time because he had been lacking these qualities for so long. he said that he feels like such a failure because he can't work on them ALL at the same time and that he backslides so often. but he feels like he is trying, trying to make himself a better person and he gets VERY confused at times.

after he was done, he said, yes, we have had trouble communicating in our marriage, so maybe this is a chance to start working on that. he said to not look at this as an ending but maybe a start of something better. he cried, i cried

he left for work

he couldn't work, and came back home 1.5 later told me he had done some thinking. he said we HAVE to be friends no matter what the outcome of our r so we needed to start now. he said to PLEASE do not block the lines of communication for us (yes, i have a habit of shutting down) so that we can continue to work on this.

he said he was sorry for being so brutally honest with me about things but he thinks that is what is needed since he LIED so much in the past in regards to us and our r

i was ready to go and he walked me to the car. he had tears in his eyes and gave me a hug and a kiss on the neck and said, we are going to work this out, it will be ok. i got everything in the car and the last thing he said to me was "for the record, i don't feel it is the right time for you to leave - i don't know if there ever will be a right time, but that time is not now" - i just looked at him and cried, i still needed to get away in my head cause of all the hurt, so i left

bad bad bad

so start with the 2x4's

so i talk with inlaws (hubby's parents) and they don't know the first thing about db'n but they were like, DON'T believe anything he says, he is talking CRAZY and just take some time for yourself and then go back home, he will come to his senses (they are very pro marriage)

talked to his brother (this is where i am at bil and sil house) and he said the same thing, that hubby is so confused, just take this time to get some things straight in your head and go back home (dang, it sounds like my db friends eh?)

i have to say that it felt good to get somethings out amd talk face to face with some people

so peeps, i know i can go back home, i know he will let me. but should i right now? should i give him a little time to kewl off, me a little time to kewl off and regroup? or should i go home right away? if there is one thing i am is confused.

ok, time to address some of the issues from above (dang, i am so sorry this is so long)

Do you have a spare room in the house? - i have tried that route deb, our house is so small we can't help but bump into each other. but i really felt i had to get away anyway, if only for a temp thing. i wasn't really thinking clearly except for the fact that i knew deep down that i really didn't want to MOVE out, just get away from the pain. i actually do want him to miss me a bit, don't we all???

but I'm wondering what specifically your h was addressing re. the people in the church...in other words..what was he trying to tell you NOW about the way that he felt then? - sage, i believe hubby was trying to tell me again that he had a REASON for the affair. that there was a trigger of a snowball that led to it. that what had happened with those people made him feel so low that he needed an escape.

How do you REALLY feel, Kitti? Do you feel like you're covering up a heap of anger (or something else) with niceness? Or are you covering up occasional anger (or something else) with niceness? - ok, good question. hubby has always been VERY sensitive to my moods. i have tried to tell him numerous times that sometimes it's JUST HORMONES and if he just leaves me alone they pass. but he is always asking "what is wrong" and then he pushes until i come up with something.

so lately, i have really tried NOT to come up with anything, really act as if, but you know the MOODS are still there. i am STILL a woman full of MENAPAUSAL hormones and i sometimes can't hide that very well. and no matter how much i tell him that it isn't anything HE HAS DONE he always takes it inward. (can you say paranoid?) i guess i need to be MORE clear. "look hubby, i am just HORMONAL, i promise if you just leave me alone things will be better in a day or so" - would that work?

and yes sage, i do have a LOT of anger. what about? just wanting this to move on already, that is where my anger is now. nothing about the affair really affects me anymore. i just want to move on

so it's good to establish a baseline. there seems to be some cycle that you guys get into where he feels controlled and condescended to, you (??) feel as though you have to hide how you feel, he feels the same - ah yes, the cycle, and doesn't it always seem to fall on the week of the anniversary of the bomb? yes sirree, once a month it happens, and i need to break that cycle. ok, we have a goal for november then eh?

Um...I don't know the context of the rape comment. Can you (or would you feel comfortable?) explaining? - i believe he meant this, knowing him the way i do. with the women in his life he used sex to comfort them. i think he looks back on it now as he was being used for what pleasure he could give them. (he did tell me in this conversation also that he feels that all his friends are his friends only for what they can get out of him, including these women) - so his rape comment to me was not only directed at ME but to everyone he has ever slept with.

now sitting here thinking about this. if he has such a strong feeling about sex, that he feels like he is being used, well maybe that should tell me something. i think that he wants me to love him NOT FOR THE SEX (because really - he is good) but for who he is. mmmm, a light bulb moment? and i keep bringing up sex as the issue. ugh - help me people with this one

So, friend, it seems to me that he's leaving the door open for you to stay...are you up for that? - well evidently i wasn't, but i do believe i have left the door open, i do believe that i could ask him "can i come home" and he would tell me yes. question is when???

I agree about not moving out. I don't know what the laws of your state are, but you need to find out before you pack up and leave! - ha! well, i guess when i left tal, i really didn't think about packing ALL of my stuff, cause i only had a small bag for me and my daughter, just enough for a few days.

Kitti....Stay home...don't move out - well, officially, i haven't MOVED out, just gotten away, and because i told him i was LEAVING i guess maybe he expects it to be for good, so i really don't know how to turn this around. i know i can ask him to come back home and he would tell me yes, but i am so WISHY WASHY - ugh. this is cycle for me, i have ALWAYS threatened to leave and he always stops me, but this time i left. what do i do???

Perhaps one of the first "real" baby steps from your H's POV???? - you think he appreciated that i could feel his pain? is that what you are saying???

Do you think your H exaggerated and dramatized? - looking back now yes, i do. but during? it hurts like a knife.

If you have to leave, don't frame it as "forever" -- and use the separation wisely for YOU - i think he did the job of not framing it as forever. i think in his own way he left the door open for me when he said i didn't have to leave that it was my home. but i really do believe that i needed this time away. i needed to get my head clear.

i also believe he needs to know how it feels without me.

i can't ask him to leave, that is the catch 22 i am in. there are TWO stepsons (his boys) that live with us, and we were LUCKY to find a place in the school distric and we have agreed that they are going to spend the rest of thier school years there so asking him to leave would mean them leaving too, can't do that.

***************************

ok, i think i covered all of the comments that needed addressing. thank you so much because just writing some of these things is very eye opening. i wish i would have had you all during the weekend, i could have handled this differently

so my ultimate question then is this ... should i ask to come home, or should i leave it alone for a bit? he called me three times yesterday to see how i was, and also one time to say goodnight

than you for all your help {{{bb group}}}

gosh, what a novel

kitti

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{KK}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}},

WOW! If it makes you feel any better I am a WISHY WASHY girl, also.

Take a few days for yourself, after that--if I were in your situation I would go back home, but that's me.

I'm sending good thoughts your way today, KK!

Cathy

Hi Kitti,

Sunshine dropping by to say glad you feel a bit better today.

{{{{{{{{{{Kitti}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Kitti,
Take a few days to regroup and then GO HOME!

It's time to DR like crazy, roll up your sleeves you have work to do! LOL

Looks like you CAN still save your M!

Deb

Hiya Kitti,

It sounds to me like you need a little breather.

But I would definately go home.

I'm amazed at how much he opened up to you. I know it was all wrapped up in an attack on you, but I see that as just a huge clue of how much he's hurting.

I add my vote that you should go home.

You are in my thoughts, Kitti.

Hugs.

cathy - wishy washy eh? read my update (oh yes another one already) - i am going back home, but when, i don't know - if you can help with the update let me know

pam - i think i am playing pam today! LOL - i have emotions ALL OVER the place.

deb - thanks for holding my hand on im this morning sweetie, i am about to update so if there is anything i left out, let me know ok? cause you are living thru this with me

phoenix - all wrapped up in an attack, yes that is sure what it was eh? why does it have to hurt so much???

***************

ok, thru your advices and thru talking to deb on im this morning, i made the decision to go home. but silly me decided to pull this conversation with hubby the first phone call this morning

i told him that it was wrong for me to be here, and he had complete silence, i told him i was sorry that i was wishy washy - then he finally said and well you can't help the way you feel but i just can't deal with this right now. he said he feels very overwhelmed with everything that has happened in the last few days - then he couldn't say much else and wanted to go

i called him back after a few minutes cause i just couldn't believe i did the wrong thing AGAIN and he let voice mail pick up. ugh, so he finally called me back again and i told him that i was sorry that i pulled that on him this morning

i told him i was very confused, and that hormones were playing a part in this whole ride and he said, yes he knew that is why he is trying to not say so much to me

towards the last part of that conversation i asked if the door was still open and he replied with a hesitant "yes" - but added "i have told you since the beginning that i would not ask you to leave nor leave myself" then he says i know your confusion comes from being insecure about your future. anytime you do something new you are insecure. i want you to have security - i will not rob you of that even tho i have robbed you of everything else

then he went thru this long tirade about his ex wife and how they both handled the children after thier divorce and how whatever happened we would not do that with our daughter and then he ended the conversation by saying that he is tired, and confused and feeling ill - he hung up

ugh, so then he called back AGAIN - this time he tells me that he didn't want me to feel bad after our last conversation but he is just having a bad day - it's raining and he is still not feeling the best

so again i apologized to him telling him that i was sorry that i never pick the right time to talk to him about things and that i don't take extenuating circumstances into account - he told me to stop saying i am sorry for things, so i said what would you have me say instead? he told me just tell me you understand (duh validate)

then he had to go

DANG - i am so confused!!!! again, should i just leave it alone? should i just show up at home let's say on friday? what should i do now????

i am doing everything wrong today peeps

kitti

Cathy could use a friend.

Gee, at least today I am fairly stable, wait, let me rephrase, for the MOMENT I am fairly stable.

I believe he does need some time and space right now. You aren't talking going home today right?

So not a decision that HAS to be made right this minute. More thought can be given, possibly more conversation with H before decision is made?

PATIENCE.

Kitti - I agree that packing a small bag for me and my daughter, just enough for a few days. is not moving out. and like you said officially, i haven't MOVED out, just gotten away, and because i told him i was LEAVING i guess maybe he expects it to be for good, so i really don't know how to turn this around.

I do not think there is anyting you have to turn around. Use the DBing tech of acting "as if" he knows it is only for a few days. I believe he will pick up on that and it will work out fine.

As a man though I have heard this before from my ex i have tried to tell him numerous times that sometimes it's JUST HORMONES and if he just leaves me alone they pass. but he is always asking "what is wrong" and then he pushes until i come up with something. Well, I did leave her alone and the next thing I got was the bomb. If he cares enough to ask and show concern then accept that as a statement of love and take confort in it.

Posted By: odga Re: It Will Be Worth the Adjustment - 10/28/03 03:59 PM

Kitti - I agree that packing a small bag for me and my daughter, just enough for a few days. is not moving out. and like you said officially, i haven't MOVED out, just gotten away, and because i told him i was LEAVING i guess maybe he expects it to be for good, so i really don't know how to turn this around.

I do not think there is anyting you have to turn around. Use the DBing tech of acting "as if" he knows it is only for a few days. I believe he will pick up on that and it will work out fine.

As a man though I have heard this before from my ex i have tried to tell him numerous times that sometimes it's JUST HORMONES and if he just leaves me alone they pass. but he is always asking "what is wrong" and then he pushes until i come up with something. Well, I did leave her alone and the next thing I got was the bomb. If he cares enough to ask and show concern then accept that as a statement of love and take confort in it.

Posted By: odga Re: It Will Be Worth the Adjustment - 10/28/03 04:00 PM

sorry about the double post - computer acted up.

Posted By: Trying24now Re: It Will Be Worth the Adjustment - 10/28/03 04:10 PM

Dear KK,
My chest ached reading your posts of the past two days...what unexpected turmoil, what confusion...my heart truly goes out to you.

While I know you are wracked with fear and insecurity of 'what will be'....I also saw, through YOUR recounting of the past few days with your H, that HE IS DEFINITELY LOST in the wilderness of MLC. In that I, as your friend, took solace because it tells me that he's not beyond your reach and NEITHER is your M.

He is spinning and he can't stop. Nothing is making sense to him now, not his feelings, not his thoughts, it feels like a stranger trapped in his own skin, it must be horribly frightening and exhausting to him. HE KNOWS right from wrong, he KNOWS what he has done AND HE KNOWS all the hard work that lies ahead to make things right again...and HE'S doubting both HIS and YOUR ability to do that.

I think, believe it or not, that this temporary INSANTIY is the storm that comes JUST before the calm.

I think he's at his MAX and there's only two ways to fall...towards you or forever away from his true self....my money's on YOU.

Give him space. Let him fight the demons that haunt his mind and soul. Let him run the gamet of emotions that he'll have to run. Let him go thru his 'maddness' alone and unencumbered by the already overwhelming guilt and grief he feels for not having been the man HE knows that he should be.

Time my friend, love, patience, understanding and TIME.
T2

Posted By: NoLongerHere Re: It Will Be Worth the Adjustment - 10/28/03 04:19 PM

Hey Kitti -

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time - clearly you need time to think and process, a little alone time will do you good, but I do sense that you don't want a final, permanent thing.

Wishy-washy isn't bad - you're just trying to process.

Can you take a vacation by yourself? Get away somewhere peaceful, alone? Take a weekend, go to the beach, camping, whatever - get away from the situation. Figure out WHAT YOU WANT - I sense you're getting away as a reaction, to escape the chaos and the confusion of what you feel - and that's valid to get a break once you're at your breaking point. But don't make lasting decisions based on reaction - figure out what you want, and address it like a project. The things going on now are just a moment in time - what he's saying, what he's feeling, what you're saying and feeling. This is all just one fascet of the situation. To some degree I see DBing as lifting yourself out of the situation a bit, removing yourself from the quagmire, seeing it as a whole, and making it a project to work on.

I know you really need comfort right now, and I'm sorry to flood you with solutions and suggestions - thinking about you Kitti - hang in there, the future is wonderful for you - better days are ahead.

- Bill

Posted By: sage Re: It Will Be Worth the Adjustment - 10/28/03 06:51 PM

Kitti --

Ah, hon, when you described the way your h interacted with you it was SO clear that his all or nothing statements of the day before just aren't how he really feels...your h sounds like a man who has struggled with his self-image...I'm sure the a. hasn't helped that any...it seems to me that his discussion about the church people (and how it may have snowballed into the a.) was actually a way for him to open up with you about how low he has felt, how disapointed he has been in himself.

My suggestion to you was going to be what everyone has essentially said. Take a few days, regroup, relax and then go home. DB there. You can do it. So can he.

Frankly, your string of phone calls this morning with h. sounds SO familiar. You both sound tired and emotionally spent. That's ok. Go home. Be very nice to each other. Don't try to "solve" anything right now.

I'm almost certain it won't feel this way to you right now but your last 2 days of posts shows h being very honest with you and himself...that, my friend, is a wonderful (exhausting, scary, tiring, emotional) next step.

Sage

Posted By: KutieKat Re: It Will Be Worth the Adjustment - 10/28/03 07:18 PM

pam - yeah, a little more conversation with him is in order, but not R conversation that is for sure

odga - Use the DBing tech of acting "as if" he knows it is only for a few days. I believe he will pick up on that and it will work out fine. - well already put that into practice thank you. we needed to make an appt for him for the dentist so i did it for him today and called him to tell him what i did. there is a screening process (because it's a medical college) and i told him i would make the appt on the 3rd and i would go with him to help him (he HATES filling out forms). and he says, i appreciate that, and i said NO PROBLEM.

t2 - oh my goodness woman, again you bring tears to my eyes. I think, believe it or not, that this temporary INSANTIY is the storm that comes JUST before the calm. gosh, i sure hope your right here t2. you know, logically i know this man is confused, it is just so hard NOT to get hurt to the heart when those horrible words come out of an otherwise CARING person.

so your telling me to give him space. staying here for a little while then is the answer. staying here for how long tho, that is the question. i really want to stay here until I MEET YOU NEXT WEEK!!!! LOL i will look for you on chat later - thank you so much for what you do and who you are

bill - oh bill, it's so nice to see you post, i haven't seen you for awhile yet i think about you often (like how we women here on the bb can CLONE you and make lots of money ) yes, your right bill, i have to figure out what i want and STICK to it because this rollercoaster i am on is not doing me any good. yes, i left as a reaction - now i need to think it thru and work on it like a project like you said. i have been doing LOTS of thinking today so i will be posting some conclusions in a little while and maybe the board can help me focus on the "project"

sage - yes sage, the more i concentrate on this today, and since i am somewhere i do not have any responsiblities, the more i see how confused he really is. it's like a little light bulb finally went off in my head "it's really not about you kitti, it's about him" - sage thank you so much for your words of encouragement and insight. you know how much i value your opinion because i feel that our sitches are so similar. i am going to be posting later on some conclusions and decisions but i need help with them (goals if you will) so if your available later i would appreciate some input

**********************

i once again have to thank this board for their kind attention to me in my time of need. the words of wisdom far surpasses any money i could pay.

you are all priceless treasure

kitti

Posted By: Zoo Re: It Will Be Worth the Adjustment - 10/28/03 10:34 PM

Hi Kitti,

I wanted to post last night but didn't get the chance too

I can totally empathize with your sitch. I too reached a point on 2 different occasions where I had to leave...if only for a short time.

Both times H came to get me. When I was gone he missed me, he would realize that my leaving was not what he wanted. Of course, when I went back things would get bad for awhile The first time was the worst because H made many promises that he couldn't keep at the time. The second time may have been part of the catalyst towards our finally working things out (there were many). H seemed to have worked more things out in his mind and he was adamant about my coming home. I think it really bothered him because I told him I would come back in a month or so to either work things out or pack the rest of my stuff...the choice was totally his.

We still had a rough time the second time around. He finally brought the A out into the open, he unloaded alot of his anger. Hurtful things got said but through all of it he kept saying even if you left completely I know I would want you back, I have no doubt about that . That is something I clung too through the worst of it...it was the only hope I had most of the time

So like the others I would say to use this time as a breather for both of you. It gives H the space he needs to think that he may not feel he gets when you are there. It gives you a break from the constant tension that might exhist. I would say to let H tell you when the best time would be for you to return home. Let him miss you a little bit first For me it was a week the first time. The second time H wanted me to come home after 2 days but I wouldn't go. He came back up on the weekend and insisted I return with him I wanted him to be sure he wanted me back for me and not because he was worried about my illness. He took the whole weekend to convince me

I guess what I am trying to say is that even though you leave it doesn't mean that's the end. Your H obviously doesn't think so either or he wouldn't have told you the door is open THis is another one of those times whenre patience is called for while H muccles through his confusion

Hope to see you back home soon
Zoo

Posted By: KutieKat Re: It Will Be Worth the Adjustment - 10/29/03 12:07 AM

zoo - wow, another one! you know, i have come to realize on this board there is really nothing new under the sun. whenever one of us run into some kind of obstacle, someone else has run into that exact same thing and can give you just the right advice needed or even the support that comes from one who has experienced what you have...and it means so much more so to you when you get that kind of support - thank you zoo, i am comforted

*******************

positives for today - yes there were some can you believe it???

1) hubby called at around 5:30 to tell me he went to the grocery store and what he bought. HUH???? ok, i was thrilled for him!

i had asked him if he was enjoying those chocolate chip cookies i made for him on sunday and he said they were da BOMB - i said thanks, he said, if you made those cookies all the time i would NEVER have to buy store bought cookies. he said in fact, you need to alternate between those cookies and those other coconut cookies that you make and i would just love it

so "acting as if" i am coming home (thanks odga) has already worked

2) hubby called around 7:30 and he was about to go to our regular bible meeting and he just wanted to know how i was. then he proceeded to tell me what he had for supper - i told him that i wasn't feeling all that well, with chills and body aches and he sounded genuinely concerned for me and told me to please take care of myself and that he would call and say goodnight later

3) earlier today i had to call the dentist to make an appt for him, but it was with the medical college here which means he needs to be "screened" first. so i called him to tell him i made the appt and then i said "i will go with you" cause i KNOW how much he hates paperwork and he told me, oh yeah, i appreciate that, sounds good

***************

you think he is missing me???

kitti

Posted By: KutieKat Re: It Will Be Worth the Adjustment - 10/29/03 12:12 AM

i wanted to post my "motivation" today, and then discuss it

Quote:

All the best swords are double-edged. If solutions don't have big drawbacks, they probably don't have great advantages, either. In our quest for perfection, we too easily forget this. We set impossibly exacting standards, and then feel disappointed by our inevitable inability to keep them up. As you now attempt to turn a dream into a reality, you are beginning to recognise that there are problems associated with this process. Neptune insists, though, that this is no reason to stop.

how profound is "if solutions don't have big drawbacks, they probably don't have great advantages, either" - i have to remember that anything worth having is worth fighting for, and my OLD husband is worth fighting for. plain and simple

yup!

kitti

Posted By: psluke Re: It Will Be Worth the Adjustment - 10/29/03 12:12 AM

OH YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!

Posted By: imalright Re: It Will Be Worth the Adjustment - 10/29/03 02:17 AM

Go kitti! Kewl!

Deb

Posted By: Zoo Re: It Will Be Worth the Adjustment - 10/29/03 04:04 AM

Quote:

zoo - wow, another one! you know, i have come to realize on this board there is really nothing new under the sun. whenever one of us run into some kind of obstacle, someone else has run into that exact same thing and can give you just the right advice needed or even the support that comes from one who has experienced what you have...and it means so much more so to you when you get that kind of support - thank you zoo, i am comforted

I know what you mean here Kitti It always seems to help me MORE if I can hear from someone who can totally empathize with me I am so glad you were comforted
{{{{{{{{{kitti}}}}}}}}}}}

Quote:

you think he is missing me???

No doubt about it in my mind!! Next thing you know he will be calling you to tell you what color of lint he is picking out of his belly button I think that might be the time when you start packing to go home...

Glad to see all of those positives !

Zoo

Posted By: shinybear Re: It Will Be Worth the Adjustment - 10/29/03 04:24 AM

HI kewlkitti!

Nice update....I think a breather is a GOOD thing...I mean the guy is clearly ALREADY missing you!!! And his care, love and concern for you is very obvious.

Indeed VERY hurtful things are said by folks in MLC...they are so confused and looking for a scapegoat for their unhappiness...the past is re-written with us as villian (not that there isn't some truth to that).

I think there is LOTS of hope for your M...in fact I agree with zoo (?) that this might just be the catalyst that gets things moving for REAL...

Yes, you interpreted my comment correctly... I think your insight into how your H feels bowled him over...it was the same thing with CJ.

I actually went through a whole list of how I would feel had I been in his shoes in our M.

I told him how he must have felt like a child who could do no right, how just a disappointed look from me must have chilled him to his very soul, how disempowered he felt, how awful it must have been to feel he had to tip=toe around me...for fear of my reactions.

How very WRONG it was of me to twist are arguments around in such a way that he never really had his feelings validated.

Pam, I would actually NOT hear my own raised voice...do my darndest to get HIM riled up, THEN become calm myself and accuse HIM of losing it!!! UGH!!!

I was able to UNDERSTAND and empathize (and had to do it again and again and again...in addition to CHANGING those behaviours) because this is exactly how my mother made me feel growing up!!! AND I HATED IT!

I had no CONSCIOUS intention of perpetrating this on CJ, I felt SO BAD when I realized this is what I'd been doing!!

And I used to wonder why he would ask my "permission" to do basic stuff...like "Is it okay if I do X first and then Y???"

I would think "Whatever!"...not knowing that HE felt so childlike around me.

Is it really any wonder that OW, with her validations, and soft voice was so appealing?

I suppose (and it's NO EXCUSE) that this was my comfort zone, a way of "winning" and controlling that "worked" for me...but CRUSHED CJ...not such a winning strategy after all.

So it seems to me that like CJ, your H needs convincing that your changes are for real...not just "niceness" disguising an attack mode underneath. (Not that that's what any of US believe about you).

That was CJ's number one fear...that I was "doing all of this" just to get him under my control again. No WONDER it's taken so long to make strides. And today's "blue mood" aside, we REALLY have!

I have a sense that YOU TWO can do it too!!!

Shiny

Posted By: KutieKat Re: It Will Be Worth the Adjustment - 10/29/03 12:48 PM

pam - i guess you agree then eh? positive things are happening!

deb - thanks deb, i guess you agree too!!!

zoo - ha, the color of lint eh? that one gave me a chuckle.

shiny - i was thinking about writing a whole list of things that i have come to the conlusion on and when i get home sharing them with him. nothing to do with our relationship per se but things i have realized that i have done - i don't want to apologize but i want him aware that i have looked deeply into myself and am not happy with the part that i played

maybe it would be too soon to do it when i first come home, but i want him to know that there are things i want to change about myself - not fake changes

thanks shiny for all your insight

**************

after my pma was so up last night, i am back down again. the confusion i feel is driving ME batty

i was so firm and determined last night to make a stand for my marriage, and now i am chickening out again. i am again making this all about me. i am still in the mode, well i want my HUSBAND to be happy and if that means i have to be apart from him then that is what i need to do

could it just be the pms talking? is that why i am on this rollercoaster???

i was so ready to go home last night, and then today, i am scared out of my wits. i was so focused on what i was going to do when i got there and now i think there is no hope

dang this is not easy ya know???

am i sabotaging my own relationship? why am i again internalizing this? why am i trying to make ME the heavy????

ugh

kitti

Posted By: CoolHandLuke Re: It Will Be Worth the Adjustment - 10/29/03 02:57 PM

Quote:

after my pma was so up last night, i am back down again. the confusion i feel is driving ME batty

i was so firm and determined last night to make a stand for my marriage, and now i am chickening out again. i am again making this all about me. i am still in the mode, well i want my HUSBAND to be happy and if that means i have to be apart from him then that is what i need to do

could it just be the pms talking? is that why i am on this rollercoaster???

i was so ready to go home last night, and then today, i am scared out of my wits. i was so focused on what i was going to do when i got there and now i think there is no hope

dang this is not easy ya know???

am i sabotaging my own relationship? why am i again internalizing this? why am i trying to make ME the heavy????

ugh

kitti

OK Kitti.... when I count to three and snap my fingers, you'll wake up and not remember any of these insecurities... one... two... two and a half ... three... <snap>.

Padded 2x4:

Chill out a little. It sounds like you're working yourself into a frenzy, and that the fears and insecurities are feeding it. PMS could be adding to the mixture.

It's okay to be apprehensive about everything. You're going through some scary stuff. However, you can't let it get the better of you. It sounds like you're looking at what's ahead of you, and are seeing a mountain. It's also just a lot of spoonfulls of dirt.

It's kind of like the old joke.... "Do you know how to eat an elephant? One bite at a time."

In my inexperienced opinion, it's okay to make some of this about you. If you're going to have any energy for your H and the R, you're going to have to take care of yourself a little also.

I don't want to sound too strange here, but.... Something I do when I'm feeling afraid, overwhelmed, stressed, lost, etc...... I take a "mental vacation". I'll start to imagine a vacation spot in my mind. I'll add detail about the location until it's almost like being there. I imagine the sights, sounds, and smells. I imagine the weather even. You may want to try that to see if it helps. Besides, it's something you can try without everyone looking at you and wondering what the hell you're doing. (OK, if you imagine the Chipendale dancers or something, the look on your face might let people know somethings up.)

Posted By: love_endures4ever Re: It Will Be Worth the Adjustment - 10/29/03 03:28 PM

Sorry KK, have to but in here...

Cathy

Quote:

I take a "mental vacation". I'll start to imagine a vacation spot in my mind. I'll add detail about the location until it's almost like being there. I imagine the sights, sounds, and smells. I imagine the weather even. You may want to try that to see if it helps. Besides, it's something you can try without everyone looking at you and wondering what the hell you're doing.

Last night when we were eating our gourmet meal from Taco Hell with my son and H, all of a sudden in my mind I was picturing a store that I had been in, it was like I was there, in Estes Park, Colorado about a year after I met my H. I didn't visualize it, it just came to me...doodoodoo..and as of today I still can't get the vision out of my mind and can't figure out what it means.

Posted By: KAW Re: It Will Be Worth the Adjustment - 10/29/03 05:00 PM

Hi kitti,
I'm so sorry for your ride on the emotional rollercoaster lately, but from the outside looking in what has transpired can be looked upon as mostly a good thing. Before even starting a foundation to build on you first have to clear the land. I see this as being where you are at. Often that is painful at first ... up close it looks like a lot of destrucion. Try to step back and see how the clutter needs to be cast aside is a postive step forward.

Your Hubby is at the same place too. In fact, he's sitting in the bulldozer seat. While operating the levers, it difficult to envision what the interior of the home will look like, hence his comments about how he can't envision the R getting better. But, he is working towards that!

Of all that has been put down here so far, this is what struck me the most...

Quote:

he said, i have been trying. i have been working on all the things i felt like i failed at in my life.

<snip>

he went thru each one of those qualities and told me what he was doing to manifest these qualities in his life at this time because he had been lacking these qualities for so long. he said that he feels like such a failure because he can't work on them ALL at the same time and that he backslides so often. but he feels like he is trying, trying to make himself a better person and he gets VERY confused at times.

after he was done, he said, yes, we have had trouble communicating in our marriage, so maybe this is a chance to start working on that. he said to not look at this as an ending but maybe a start of something better.

kitt, your hubby is in the midst of DBing 101 - work on yourself. Not unlike myself a 1� years ago, your hubby has had a revelation. He looked in the mirror on day and finally saw staring back at him a person he did like and now wants to change that. Right now he sees only his failures and it pains him too much to see how his shortcoming has also hurt the ones closest to him. So until he "fixes" himself to be a person more deserving of your love, he is trying to keep you at a arms distance in the attempt to hurt you less and is unaware that very action is causing you just as much pain. In his eyes, he has to become a new man before there can be a better M and right now he is full of self-doubt. But even in his words, there is a hint there of what he feels will make him face himself in the mirror again ... to nurture his family. At some time he will figure out that will involve making a healthy R between you and him again.

kitti, you need find a way to bide your time until he gets there. Take off your "wife" hat and put on the rack. Put the husband / wife roles on the back burner for now. Wear that friend hat and give him the support and care he will need to remain encouraged that he can be who he wants to be. Before working on a happy M, Hubby is gonna have for come out of his cocoon.

Your going to frustrate yourself trying to regain the "old" hubby, but he is never coming back ... what you are going to get from this transformation is a brand new hubby with all that you loved before and more (or less ... if you consider him dumping all this unwanted baggage.) and instead of fighting for the "old" M. Its dead ... bury it. As you get to know this "new" hubby, you will start to realize you are working towards a whole new and better M and each day is on more step closer to getting there.

So the good news I'm trying to relate is the future can be ever better than you can envision ... but to get there is gonna take time and patience ... and a little faith, because right now you can't see it, but it there kitti, just over the horizon ... and with both of you working at making those "baby" steps together you will get there.

'til later,
KAW

Posted By: optimist Re: It Will Be Worth the Adjustment - 10/29/03 05:25 PM

CHL and KAW, my heartfelt thanks. I know your posts were for kk but they sure apply to me and my H too.

Who knows, maybe all the world needs is some more engineers?

And yes, Kitti, he is missing you! He wants to try and improve communication. I'd look at the glass ---you know how.

Posted By: KutieKat Re: It Will Be Worth the Adjustment - 10/29/03 06:08 PM

chl - DAVID!!! thanks so much for visiting my thread and thanks especially for the PADDED 2x4 - that always helps - why is it that engineers usually have the best illustrations? i loved the whole "mountain full of spoonfuls of dirt" - that was something simple little ole me could comprehend and apply, so thank you ever so much for that - and thanks for the reminder about visualization. you know, i used to do that a TON before i got married to hubby, and it used to help a ton. you see, my "escape" mechinism is runing away, something your always not able to do, so visualization fits the bill

thank you so much david for giving me some "male" perspective on things. it's always appreciated

cathy - see, your already putting it into practice, hooray for you!!!!

kaw - so kaw, are you another engineer on this board??? your bulldozing illustration was another that i could use and understand. sometimes tho i question his motivation and that is something i have to get out of. that is all part of the mothering he seems to have a problem with. why can't i just accept the fact that he is clearing the way for a new relationship.

i don't want the old hubby back, i have decided that for sure. i want the NEW and IMPROVED version - so i have to work on that whole putting the friend hat on. i thought i had, but evidently i am still focused on the relationship too much and i have to let that go and let him deal with his own issues on his timeline

thanks so much for the visit

opt - isn't it great to hear the male perspective on things???? awesome!!! - about the glass, um, yes, i know how, and thanks for that reminder!!!

************************

ok peeps, big time revelation here, something i have mulling over in my mind for quite a while and i am finally coming to grips with it - take this as journaling but i have to get this out

I HAVE A CONTROLLING PERSONALITY

don't they say that the first step in healing is the admission that there is a problem?

looking back in my life there were so many things i had no control over (did i ever tell you all i had lived in 5 different states and went to 16 different schools by the time i graduated) - i was shifted from mom to sister and back and forth so many times my head was always spinning.

with my first marriage, i actually married the man my sister picked out, i felt it was the right thing to do, after all, she was much older (15 years) and wiser and she obviously knew what i needed. i met him at 16 and married right when i turned 18

i hopped into my sister and hubbies biz right after marriage and struggled for 11 years in a marriage (after moving 4 times in 2 states) that wasn't ideal.

when i was about to turn 30 i entered into what i call "my crazy time" (now when i look back with all the research i have done, i realize i was in mlc) - but the one thing i did know at that time was that i wanted CONTROL in my life. i wanted to take the reigns for a change

and took the reigns i did into an affair that lasted 6 months. oh i was nasty when the truth came out, i told my husband at that time all the things that betrayers say, and we ended up divorced. (there is a longer story to that, but not applicable to the control issue)

i again thought i was taking control of my life by moving from california to florida to give my ex husband room to grow. that was my decision - in a stop over in georgia i met my husband now, and 9 months later we were married

i felt sorry for the poor guy. he was going thru some hell, had an affair on his wife (3 years long) and had come clean to her and she asked for the divorce 2 weeks after he told her. truth is, she was very unhappy too. anyhoo, back to the control issue

i took him in my nurturing arms and took care of him. he was like a little lost puppy and i felt i could help - 16 months after we were married i found emails between him and highschool sweetheart that proved he had an emotional affair - i didn't leave him, i took control of the situation

he was messed up mentally and i got him to a doctor and on medication, thinking that was the cause of him doing what he was doing

i never let go of those letters. i always used them whenever fights would come up. i had the control by golly and i weilded that power whenever i could

i had a daughter with this man, boy was i really in control now. this was my ace in the hole (and i told him so on many occasions) - i believed i controled his future, there was no way he would leave me now cause i gave him the one thing he always wanted - a daughter.

then there comes a time when i am losing that control - the other woman. i knew it the whole time it was going on, and i tried to control the situation by my snooping and my fights and my threats and my nagging and the list goes on, but the more i fought for the control, the more i was losing that battle

so the bomb gets dropped - again i try to maintain control. i do the beggin, pleading, crying, yelling to establish that i am going to direct this situation to it's full circle, and i am losing it every step of the way. everything i try is failing, and i am losing that control, WHAT??? my husband is actually NOT feeling this way about me? find out what you need to do to change his mind

even tho i have been what i considered db'n for the past 4 months, i am only fooling myself. i said in a previous post that my husband reads my moods like a book and yes he can see that my acting "as if" is really not working whatsoever - cause there is this underlying "control" issue

there you have it people, i have come clean. i am trying to control this situation instead of letting it run its course on his time table. i try to direct the path with my moods and it ends up getting me in trouble

how many times do i have to read "you can only control yourself" before i get it?

ok, so i have admitted this to you all, now the question is how can i correct this personality disorder? i don't like it, i don't like what it did to my marriage and i certainly don't want it a part of my life in the future

help

kitti

Posted By: sage Re: It Will Be Worth the Adjustment - 10/29/03 06:26 PM

Goodness, Kitti! Can I have some of whatever they're feeding you at the inlaws? What insight! What utter and total honesty! This is a very, very exciting break thru for you!

Quote:

ok, so i have admitted this to you all, now the question is how can i correct this personality disorder? i don't like it, i don't like what it did to my marriage and i certainly don't want it a part of my life in the future

So...shiny's the expert on this kind of stuff but I'd like to throw out there that I don't think this is a "personality disorder"...I think this is a habit that you have developed (and quite well, I might add!) to alleviate the stress and anxieties (uncertainties) that you have faced. I'm not sure that HELPS much but it IS a learned behavior which tells me it can be unlearned.

So...how to do it?

A good question.

Some things that are working for me...(and I am VERY much a work-in-progress so bear with me!)

* Dropping control of the small stuff -- this will get you in practice for the bigger stuff! What does this mean? It means NOT being the one to decide on the restaurant or the movie or how to load the dishwasher or what kind of brand of detergent to buy or whatever.

* Really, really listening to what comes out of your mouth...SO MANY statements that I make (or used to make) are indirectly controlling...this goes along with the first bullet

* Figure out what to DO with your anxiety and fears...cause they gotta go somewhere! For me this has involved a bunch of things: addressing some practical matters (looking at my finances and assuring myself that I could live comfortably), coming up with a few "acceptable" scenarios (I'd move to ...), working with a therapist (UGH), meditating (to quiet and also train the mind).

The biggest external influences have been listening to and reading the works of Pema Chodron -- go to www.soundstrue.com and search on her name. She writes a lot about fear and uncertainty and how to work with them.

Awesome, awesome stuff, Kitti!
Sage

Posted By: mockers2 Re: It Will Be Worth the Adjustment - 10/29/03 07:06 PM

((((kk)))

Just checking in with you. Sorry you're going throught this tough time. Sounds like both of you are really hurting. You've gotten excellent advice/opinions here. Not sure I can add much... Wering the "Friend Hat" is key, I think. Your time away seems to have been good time for thinking, resulting in an amazing breakthrough of insight! Keep in mind baby steps and patience. Seems the making progress part really hurts!((((((kk)))))

Posted By: love_endures4ever Re: It Will Be Worth the Adjustment - 10/29/03 07:13 PM

{{{{{{{{{{{{Kitty}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I get the feeling we're twins living in different states, same sitch, same "bat" channel. You did get a lot of good advice which I need to apply to my sitch, too. The most important be H's friend, that's what H needs most at this time and boy do you move around a lot. Also sounds like you haven't had a whole lot of time to yourself, for yourself. Take good care of yourself, too!!!

Cathy

Posted By: KutieKat Re: It Will Be Worth the Adjustment - 10/29/03 07:26 PM

sage - ha! it's that good ole fashioned down home georgia cookin!!!! but really, wow, for you to be the first poster after that revelation, well, let's just say i am touched. (but we all knew that eh?)

yes, i do believe this was a learned trait, altho i think i inherited a bit of my mothers independent spirit genetically as well and that helps with the whole control thing too

all of your advice is well taken, and i have already started doing research on your recommendation on the meditation. i really do need to concentrate on that cause i need to let go of this fear and anxiety, and really, i just need to let go

because of all this quiet time i am having i am doing lots of thinking, and i have even come up with more conclusions that i will be sharing shortly, so keep your psyche hat on!!!

mockers - thanks so much for visiting my thread. thinking is definitely taken place this trip. i haven't had my daughter around today and wont for the rest of the day cause sil came and got her, so LOTS of quiet time to think and reflect about alot.

cathy - scary huh??? we discussed that whole "doing things for yourself" this morning eh? i really need to focus on that. i have been living vicariously thru my husband thru the whole controlling thing to the detrement of who i am. i need to get that inner person back. altho, sometimes i don't know who she is, i gotta find her

**********************

i have decided to go home friday, but not before i have exactly in mind what i need to say to my husband on the reasons i came home. i want to be clear and concise that i am doing what is best for me (he told me to LOL) and being apart from my family is not what is best for me.

i will be drafting some sort of talk plan that i want to share with all of you, and for you all to let me know if it's TOO CONTROLLING or if it's right on target

i think we have opened the lines of communication open so i can be just as honest with my feelings as he is with his

with a plan, i am feeling better already

kitti

Posted By: imalright Re: It Will Be Worth the Adjustment - 10/29/03 09:39 PM

Kitti,

I hate when I miss out on a good chat, darn it!!!

Great post! Made me do somemore thinking also. Because I was becoming the control person also!

Having a great day!

Quote:

i have decided to go home friday, but not before i have exactly in mind what i need to say to my husband on the reasons i came home. i want to be clear and concise that i am doing what is best for me (he told me to LOL) and being apart from my family is not what is best for me.

Friday will be a good day!

Deb

Posted By: KutieKat Re: It Will Be Worth the Adjustment - 10/30/03 03:14 PM

thanks deb, i hope friday will be a good day for me as well

as you all know i have decided to go home friday, but i have made myself sick on what to say to hubby to let him know that i am staying home

i have something short and sweet written (i will say it tho) and i am hoping i can get some advice from you all to see if this would be good

i plan on just heading home and then calling him wherever he is and ask if i can meet him for a few minutes. you know, neutral territory and all

and i want to explain to him the insight i had yesterday about the control (not attacking him in anyway - it's all about ME at this point)

and then i want to say

so you see, i have an issue with control, and since i have met you i have tried to control you and our relationship. i don't want to do that anymore, you need your space to heal and to grow, as well as i.

i can only control me. i can only do what is best for me which leads me into this - what is best for me is to not be apart from this family. i need this family and i want it. i want us all to live under the same roof and to fight and grow together as a family but with you and i being friends in the process.

i want us to share our struggles and frustrations as parents with each other. i want us to concentrate on getting our family together on an even keel so that all of our children know they have a secure environment in which to live.

please help me with this people, before tomorrow - tell me if this is too much, i am SO scared of what to say to husband telling him why i am coming home and wanting to stay there. my stomach is in knots and i feel like i am having a panic attack

help

kitti

Posted By: kml Re: It Will Be Worth the Adjustment - 10/30/03 03:30 PM

Kitti -
I worry that this is all about doing the right thing for the kids and family - very correct, but maybe NOT what he needs to hear? In my experience, the WAS is seeking out the thrill of romance which is missing from the marriage, and although I know you do not want to appear pursuing, you have to give him some hope of regaining those exciting romantic feelings. The one thing I said to my H that he really remembers from our bad times is "you're going to have to work out your issues someday, somewhere - it might as well be with me (the mother of your children and the person who still loves you despite knowing your flaws, - but I'm not sure he remembers that part ).

Ellie

Posted By: NoLongerHere Re: It Will Be Worth the Adjustment - 10/30/03 03:32 PM

{{{{{{{{{{{{Kitti}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I think your note is great - it's communicating clearly that you're working on yourself and the changes that you're making. Good for you! Much of the progress that my W and I made came from communication like this.

I did find that my W, for a long time, was in the "actions not words" mode, so don't be disappointed if you get a response like "thank you for being open with me but it's going to take time" - that would be a great response, actually.

Hang in there Kitti - good thoughts and prayers your way - {{{{{{{}}}}}}}

- Bill

Posted By: imalright Re: It Will Be Worth the Adjustment - 10/30/03 04:36 PM

Kitti,

T2 handed you the tools now use them. Go home relax and then gently bring your H and you to a higher ground!

You can do this! You have it in you!

Deb

Posted By: sage Re: It Will Be Worth the Adjustment - 10/30/03 04:49 PM

Hey Kitti,

I'm so glad that you've decided to go home.

Now...you know me and I'm ALL about words but I have to admit that I'm wondering if it's a good idea to go into such detail, etc, with h right now. Now...I'll admit that I'm sort of filtering this thru my own sitch...I think that the statement that you wrote out is great, logical, heartfelt, honest...I think it would also really overwhelm my h. Not because he couldn't hear it or understand it but because it's just way too much emotional info in one place.

I think I remember reading though (??) that your h does ask you if things are ok with you? If so...why not let HIM take the lead a bit? IOW, I think saying to h "I'm coming home because I know that this is the right place for me to be." is cool...why not let the rest of it unfold? If he's an asker...let him take the lead...if he's not...use some DB'ing and your own experimentation to let him into your thought process over the next few weeks?

Anyway...just my two cents...I think that you guys are going to really do great no matter what your approach!

Sage

Posted By: KutieKat Re: It Will Be Worth the Adjustment - 10/30/03 09:03 PM

ellie - that is an excellent point about the kids family thing, i have rearranged my statement and will be posting it in a minute. talking to t2 today i got a little bit more clear on what direction i wanted to go in so maybe you can browse again if you have a chance

bill - yeah bill, i know that actions speak louder, and i have to remember that constantly cause that is the only thing that will win in the end - thanks for the reminder

deb - t2 was far from GENTLE, she told me LIKE IT IS, what a sweetie she is that is for sure, i have rearranged things and will be posting it in a minute and i think you will like the outcome

sage - i tend to agree with you on the too much detail for this. t2 agreed with you too and we came up with something a bit different, very short and too the point and it's something after reflecting that takes the burden completely off of him as to anything regarding our relationship but let's him know in no uncertain terms that i am in this for the long haul

*****************

thanks everyone for the replies, i am getting a bit better as the day goes on, but still extremely nervous about going home

i called hubby today after i had a luncheon date with some friends and i neglected to take my cell in with me, he had called 6 times while i was at lunch. i told him that i would be bring daughter home to see him tomorrow so it's not a surprise that i will be there.

but what i plan to do is still call him when i get into town and ask if we can meet someplace neutral and then tell him this...

H, I love you and I want you to know that I have decided that my place is at home. I've had a few days to think about this mess we're in and all that was said recently and I have decided for MYSELF that my life is with you and I'm going to work hard to keep our family together.

I accept the fact that right now YOU don't know what YOU need or want to be happy in your life and that's okay, I finally understand that now. BUT I know that what I want is for us to have a good marriage and so I will work on me while you take the time to work through what's best for you.

and then end it with

Thanks H, I feel so much better, thank you for listening. Now, how about I treat you to lunch?

you folks have been my life line this week and i cannot express to you all how much i appreciate the support. i hope i can give just a smidgeon back to you all someday

thoughts?

kitti

Posted By: optimist Re: It Will Be Worth the Adjustment - 10/30/03 09:42 PM

I like it! Short and to the point. You may want to add something that tells him that he has control over whatever he decides he wants... I am not sure how.

Though I'd make him pay for the lunch...

Posted By: psluke Re: It Will Be Worth the Adjustment - 10/30/03 09:49 PM

Hey Kitti,

{{{{{{{{{{{{Kitti}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Good luck tomorrow.

I like it, it is nice and short and to the point.

Sort of falls in line with the post David made to PIB here recently.

Please try to let us know you make it home alright tomorrow. I know you are not usually on over the weekends.

Take care of yourself.

I have absolute confidence in you that you will do fine.

Posted By: shinybear Re: It Will Be Worth the Adjustment - 10/31/03 04:46 AM

I'll be thinking of you tomorrow kk!!!

What you plan to say sounds great...Isn't this the best place to go for editing advice???

And since you might not be around, maybe you won't mind that I'm planning to be a kewl kitti for Halloween!

((((((((((((((((((Kitti)))))))))))))))))))))

Shiny

Posted By: psluke Re: It Will Be Worth the Adjustment - 10/31/03 09:45 AM

Good Morning Kitti,

Sending lots of Good Wishes along with plenty of Sunshine your way today!!

{{{{{{{{{Kitti}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Posted By: CoolHandLuke Re: It Will Be Worth the Adjustment - 10/31/03 12:36 PM

Good luck Kitti. Go with the flow.

Posted By: odga Re: It Will Be Worth the Adjustment - 10/31/03 12:39 PM

Kitti - good luck today - my thoughts and prayers are with you

Posted By: imalright Re: It Will Be Worth the Adjustment - 10/31/03 01:32 PM

Kitti,

You know I will be with you in spirit today! Hoping that everything will be alright! Relax, take a deep breath. Let's set your world back where it belongs!

Deb

Posted By: optimist Re: It Will Be Worth the Adjustment - 10/31/03 02:28 PM

Thinking of you, Kitti. Let this weekend be an enlighting and healing time for you and your family...

Posted By: KAW Re: It Will Be Worth the Adjustment - 10/31/03 02:53 PM

Wishing you the best, kitti ... a peaceful return home and may a warm feeling stay with you thru out the weekend.

'til later,
KAW

Posted By: shinybear Re: It Will Be Worth the Adjustment - 11/01/03 01:56 AM

Oh yes...you are In OUR thoughts and Prayers today kk!!!

I hear Pam's party in "Just for fun" (Luke's Fall Party) is going on all weekend so IF you have the chance, don your favourite virtual costume and join us!!!

(((((((((((((((((((((((((kk))))))))))))))))))))))

Shiny

Posted By: Zoo Re: It Will Be Worth the Adjustment - 11/01/03 03:26 AM

{{{{KITTI}}}}}

WIshing you all the best I know you probably wont be on line this weekend but look forward to hearing from you come Monday !!

Zoo

Posted By: Jeannine Re: It Will Be Worth the Adjustment - 11/01/03 11:46 AM

Justing popping in to say "hi".

I'm hopelessly behind with everyone's threads and do not have the opportunity to catch up.

Someday, when I feel up to it, I will start a new thread for myself. (I saw your comment a while back on Pam's thread).
I seem to fall into a dark void whenever I try to verbalize my current state-of-affairs.

Hey, I see that you are "going home".... Gads, I am really out of the loop here. I didn't know that you had left.

Posted By: KutieKat Re: It Will Be Worth the Adjustment - 11/01/03 04:50 PM

i wanted to pop in here while i had the chance to let everyone know i am back home! LOL

thank you all for worrying about me. while things were happening yesterday i felt like i had a whole audience watching and it felt good ... i didn't feel alone

quick recap - about 20 minutes outside of town i called hubby to let him know where we were in time. voice mail answered. left a message and he called back 10 minutes later with a HEY GIRLS as his first words. he said he was done for the day so he would just meet me at home and maybe we could go out and have some lunch? i said SURE sounds good - tho it's not really what i wanted but i agreed to meet him at home.

when i got to the house, i asked him to come outside that i wanted to talk to him a minute before i went in. he said ok, so we sat out on the patio furniture and i grabbed his hands and i said almost to the word what i wrote above. he looked at me the whole time and just kept saying ok, all right, ok, and at one point when i said "i have decided that my life is with you" he almost looked shocked.

after i was done, he started to say something, but i stopped him and i said, i had no intention of this being a "talk" of any kind, i just wanted you to know where i stood, and i wanted to tell you out here because when i walk thru those doors, it's a new beginning for me.

he looked actually shocked that i didn't add anything or want to talk at length, and said ok, i appreciate that. i said do you still want to go to lunch and he told me sure do, and we went of to chick fil a

while daughter was playing on the playland stuff, i sat next to him, actually pretty close, and he let me, and we watched daughter play together.

then we came home, after a while the boys came in from school, and they were THRILLED to see me, which i think hubby wasn't prepared for, and then he asked if we all wanted to go to dinner

we all went to dinner, had some wings and beer (well, me and hubby had the beer ) and we had a really really nice time

all in all a very nice afternoon into evening. hubby was very animated ALL afternoon and evening and wanted to talk about all kinds of stuff. chit chat stuff.

i couldn't have done it without all of you. i am home, it's ok, and now it's time to really start db'n my butt off

i wont be on much this weekend, but i had to update you all so you wouldn't worry

peace, kitti

Posted By: kml Re: It Will Be Worth the Adjustment - 11/01/03 04:54 PM

Good Job!

Don't you love it when you start "channeling" the BB?

Ellie

Posted By: Trying24now Re: It Will Be Worth the Adjustment - 11/01/03 06:13 PM

KK

Quote:

i said, i had no intention of this being a "talk" of any kind, i just wanted you to know where i stood, and i wanted to tell you out here because when i walk thru those doors, it's a new beginning for me.

All I can say is WOW.
You did GREAT KK, absolutely, positively GREAT
T2

Posted By: sage Re: It Will Be Worth the Adjustment - 11/01/03 06:31 PM

Quote:

All I can say is WOW.
You did GREAT KK, absolutely, positively GREAT
T2

What SHE said! I got goosebumps.

What a wonderful new beginning!

Sage

Posted By: love_endures4ever Re: It Will Be Worth the Adjustment - 11/01/03 07:30 PM

Hi KK,

Sounds like you had a great day. Been thinking about you.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{KK}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Cathy

Posted By: imalright Re: It Will Be Worth the Adjustment - 11/01/03 10:51 PM

Kitti,
OMG! I am so happy for you! Sorry I missed you, but I had my hubby here! I just was on pins and needles wondering how things went. So happy that you said and did everything so perfectly! Thanks so much for letting us know. Hope you have a wonderful weekend!

Deb

Posted By: Zoo Re: It Will Be Worth the Adjustment - 11/01/03 10:55 PM

Can I just echo everyones WOW and Sages goosebumps!! You get a GOLD STAR for that one KK...gotta write that in MY book

Zoo

Posted By: psluke Re: It Will Be Worth the Adjustment - 11/01/03 11:10 PM

Way to go Kitti!!!

Posted By: water_runs_dry Re: It Will Be Worth the Adjustment - 11/02/03 03:35 AM

Hey Kitty~

Way to go!

Look forward to hearing the next installment, major DB'ing!!

Blessings
Water

Posted By: CoolHandLuke Re: It Will Be Worth the Adjustment - 11/02/03 05:21 AM

Quote:

thank you all for worrying about me. while things were happening yesterday i felt like i had a whole audience watching and it felt good ... i didn't feel alone

i couldn't have done it without all of you. i am home, it's ok, and now it's time to really start db'n my butt off

i wont be on much this weekend, but i had to update you all so you wouldn't worry

peace, kitti

Kitti,

I can only speak for myself, but congratulations. I actually wasn't so much "worried" about you, as I was "concerned" about you. I had a feeling you would be fine.

Remember.... spoonfulls of dirt.

Posted By: optimist Re: It Will Be Worth the Adjustment - 11/02/03 01:44 PM

Great job, Kitti.

Posted By: holdingon Re: It Will Be Worth the Adjustment - 11/03/03 01:34 PM

Kitti,
Thank you for the post on my thread! You did such a good job this weekend. I am going to use both of your visuals, the bulldozer clearing the land in order to rebuild, and the mountain being just spoonfuls of dirt. Hang in there... what a long road, but hopefully, the rewards are there at the end.

Posted By: Phoenix_In_Bloom Re: It Will Be Worth the Adjustment - 11/03/03 02:05 PM

Kitti!

Wonderful! You did great!

Hugs!

Posted By: psluke Re: It Will Be Worth the Adjustment - 11/03/03 02:36 PM

Good Morning Kitti,

I hope you had a good weekend. It is good to see you back and the PMA up!

Posted By: shinybear Re: It Will Be Worth the Adjustment - 11/04/03 03:55 AM

AWESOME!!!!

Shiny

Posted By: KutieKat Re: It Will Be Worth the Adjustment - 11/04/03 02:48 PM

all i can sit here and say is WOW - thank you ALL for being there in my time of need. these have been a strange few days since i have been back. as you know friday went well and saturday, well he worked all day so not much interaction

sunday tho is when the strangeness began. this time tho, the NEW KITTI didn't react in a controlling way whatsoever. he woke up very very late and was complaining of feeling "wiped out" - this time, instead of seeing this about us and our sitch, i saw this for what it really was, and then i truly empathized with him

you see, i am seeing him now as a man who is genuinely depressed. he doesn't know which way is up in his head how can he know which way is up in our "r" - the one thing i keep going back to is if he really wanted to be gone, he would have left a long time ago

he truly doesn't know what is good for him, and until he does he is getting the space he needs to ride this journey.

it's amazing but i actually thought (for just a fleeting moment mind you) last night "SO WHAT" if our marriage doesn't work. i will be no less a person.

i am imagining that this is true detachment yes?

i am growing, with all your help i am growing

POSITIVES

1) despite feeling wiped out, he went to work yesterday and today. depression can be a horrible thing, but he is not using it to stay home from work, he is busting his butt and for whom? for this family

2) i watched interaction between him and daughter last night as he was fixing something for her on her tv/dvd player, i actually had a huge smile on my face because i realized at that precise moment that i had made the right decision to come home, and he smiles a huge smile back as if he knew what i was thinking (i love watching those two interact, you see, i never had a dad to interact with)

3) he was thrilled when i stayed up LATE last night to watch him and spur him on with a video game he is playing.

kitti

Posted By: psluke Re: It Will Be Worth the Adjustment - 11/04/03 03:51 PM

Hi Kitti,

It looks to me like you are growing in LEAPS AND BOUNDS!!!

Posted By: NoLongerHere Re: It Will Be Worth the Adjustment - 11/04/03 04:43 PM

Hey Kitti -

I think you're seeing good things!! You're right - you will be no less of a person. This is a healthy realization - your happiness is independent of the marriage, and once you see it that way, it's something you can bring into the marriage.

I'm glad that you feel that you made the right decision. Bravo Kitti - you're showing the strength to make this work out.

You're right, depression is a horrible thing - I think it's good you're separating out and identifying the issues - will certainly help you feel less hurt by things that happen and will enable you to help with solutions and healing.

Good thoughts your way Kitti! {{{{{{{{{{{{{{}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

- Bill

Posted By: imalright Re: It Will Be Worth the Adjustment - 11/04/03 08:12 PM

Kitti,

Wow! You've come a long way! And I like the little story about your H, D and you, thanks for sharing. Made me smile.
Did T2 come to see you yet, I miss that gal!
Things will be OK no matter what happens. And I'm proud that you went back and you are willing to try to work things out!

(((((KITTI)))))

Keep up the good work!

Deb

Posted By: holdingon Re: It Will Be Worth the Adjustment - 11/04/03 08:16 PM

kitti,
I love that feeling... I'm going to be okay... this doesn't have to kill me. I think it is true detachment, or at least a realization that we matter as people, we matter as individuals. Of course, I spend the rest of my time anxious about what is going on...

Posted By: shinybear Re: It Will Be Worth the Adjustment - 11/04/03 10:23 PM

Sooo many good signs here, Kitti!!!

Remember that upsets and backslides will happen... ...but there's SOOO much working in your favour...keep up with the changes, with the positive PMA.

I LOVE that the boys warm reception for you gave your H a little pause for thought...I LOVE the look you two exchanged while he was helping your D.... I LOVE that he didn't scoot away from you when you sat near him....

I'm very, very happy for you kk!!

Shiny

Posted By: CoolHandLuke Re: It Will Be Worth the Adjustment - 11/05/03 02:53 AM

KewlKitti,

Sounds like both of you are doing a great job. Keep up the good work.

Posted By: Phoenix_In_Bloom Re: It Will Be Worth the Adjustment - 11/05/03 01:43 PM

Good Morning Kitti!

You are doing a great job on detachment!

Good for you!

Hugs!

Posted By: KutieKat Re: It Will Be Worth the Adjustment - 11/05/03 02:35 PM

pam - i am so glad others can see my positives as well. that is always a pma boost

bill - so tell me bill, why is it so hard for men to admit they are depressed (not you, but men in general) - my husband suffers so much from bipolar yet he won't take his medicine cause he says he feels apathetic on it. oi vea, it's a vicious cycle with him. i sure hate to see him suffer tho.

deb - no jan yet, but spoke to her briefly yesterday on the phone. says she is having a good time!!! we are going to try to hook up tomorrow i think, let's HOPE!!!!

holding on - never ending cycle eh? but the one thing we need to consistantly concentrate on is maintaining patience. cause it's only thru that we will win

shiny - thanks to you too for noticing the positives. yes, i do believe we have a hope for a good marriage in the end, but it takes TIME and patience. something i am working on. but i really feel like i am dropping the rope for the first time since i started db'n! and it feels GOOD!!!

chl - thanks again for stopping by, and thanks for the words on encouragement

**********************************

POSITIVES

1) we got our grocery flyer in the mail yesterday and i started glancing thru it in the kitchen ... he stands next to me, puts his arm around me and says "we gonna go shopping together tomorrow" i said SURE and he stood there a few minutes and we looked at the flyer together

2) he went to get the mail and bring the garbage can back from the curb (he never does that) so i told him THANKS for getting the mail and bring the can back and he said "MY PLEASURE" - hmmmm

3) this morning i gave him breakfast and i turned and walked out of his "sanctuary" and he said, hole up a second, i am just curious to know what is going on with your niece (he and my family DO NOT get along) so this was a huge 180 for him (my niece is not doing well, on her way to a hysterictomy sp?)

***************************************

another day to make better than the day before

i am thinking about joining a bowling league. what do you all think???

kitti

Posted By: psluke Re: It Will Be Worth the Adjustment - 11/05/03 02:43 PM

I think bowling is a lot of fun!

I used to go some with my first husband, he was on a league and then we would sometimes bowl afterwards.

It is probably a good way to meet some people.

Things are really sounding good for you and H right now!!!

Posted By: NoLongerHere Re: It Will Be Worth the Adjustment - 11/05/03 03:27 PM

Quote:

bill - so tell me bill, why is it so hard for men to admit they are depressed (not you, but men in general) - my husband suffers so much from bipolar yet he won't take his medicine cause he says he feels apathetic on it. oi vea, it's a vicious cycle with him. i sure hate to see him suffer tho.

No, you can include me in that statement.

W had her mini-breakdown in Feb / March and started councling. Her C (now our C) kept insisting that I was depressed too, and I kind of chuckled. This really hurt W's feelings - like SHE needed help, but I was above it.

As for me, I had this attitude that I could cope with it, it was a sign of strength or something. I made the statment to W at some point that I'd reached some level of comfort with it through my life, and could handle it - and she heard that loud and clear that I wasn't going to take any action.

It took the bomb for me to take responsiblity for doing something about it. It's so simple really... going to the doctor and saying "I need help" --

There's a fear of losing yourself, I guess. If your behavior is based on effects of medication, then who are you, really?

For me, having internalized a philosophy of self-reliance and that life is about personal growth, a dependence on medication seemed to me to be cheating. Well, it's not - it's a tool that available. Like anti-bioitics.

My perspecitve is a lot different now. I had a responsiblity to myself, my W, and my family that medication helped me address. But it was a BIG mental block against it. And, already, I'm starting to think about when I get off of them, so it's not completely gone away.

I don't know, somehow your H has to see the magnitude of what he's responsible for, in himself and family, and see the medication not as a weakness but as a tool.

{{{{{{{{{}}}}}}}}}}}}}

- Bill

Posted By: KutieKat Re: It Will Be Worth the Adjustment - 11/05/03 03:46 PM

bill

thanks for sharing some of that info with me. i am hoping that when hubby does come out of his fog (mlc or whatever he is going thru) he will see the advantages of going to counciling and getting back on his meds

he really needs to do this, and i am not talking for the marriage sake, i am talking for his health sake

poor guy. i actually feel sorry for him sometimes. more now than ever. but he has to work on this himself, i cannot be responsible for him any longer

i have my own self to worry about, getting me into a safe place

kitti

Posted By: love_endures4ever Re: It Will Be Worth the Adjustment - 11/05/03 03:53 PM

Hi KK,

Bowling IS great fun. I just didn't like that I always ended up on the late shift. Maybe join as a sub, just to see if you like it and that way you won't be committed to every week, bowling is a long season.

If you do join a league and need a team name...well I'm sure you could get lots of advice here!

Keep Kewl....Cathy

Posted By: KutieKat Re: It Will Be Worth the Adjustment - 11/05/03 03:54 PM

ha! i need something to get out of the house on a regular basis, and i feel like bowling would fit that bill

i love doing it (not very good at it) but enjoy it none the less, and it's a great way to meet people! and have a few beers in the process! LOL

i am starting to live for ME

kitti

Posted By: NoLongerHere Re: It Will Be Worth the Adjustment - 11/05/03 03:58 PM

Quote:

poor guy. i actually feel sorry for him sometimes. more now than ever. but he has to work on this himself, i cannot be responsible for him any longer

i have my own self to worry about, getting me into a safe place

You are absolutely right.

And, saying this in a general way, not knowing if it applies to you or not... there's always a chance that your worrying about him, trying to be responsbile for him might ENABLE him to avoid seeking help himself. You're doing the right thing stepping away and focusing on your self, I think.

- Bill

Posted By: KutieKat Re: It Will Be Worth the Adjustment - 11/05/03 05:57 PM

how totally true bill, and another reason i need to just drop that rope and let him handle it! LOL thanks for the insight

just wanted to journal this here...

hubby just called and was asking me if we could get together sometime this week and discuss our finances to see where we could cut back on some bills. he said winter is coming and i don't want to struggle like we did last year so we need to see if there are things we can cut back on during the winter

positives i got out of that statement...

1) working on things together

2) he is planning on me being here THRU the winter

3) wants to make life a little easier for the both of us

you know, i am finally seeing him really try in this "r"

kitti

Posted By: KutieKat Re: It Will Be Worth the Adjustment - 11/05/03 09:52 PM

Quote:

Don't you think that your h might wonder how on earth you could forgive him, still love him, etc?

sage wrote this on someone else's thread, i had to quote it here cause it hit me like a 2x4 smack across the head

last week when i told him i was leaving him, and in one of our phone conversations i said to him "we will always be friends" he said to me why on earth would you want to be my friend

he hurts, he knows he has done wrong in this r and he has no way in he!! believing that someone would ever forgive him for the atrocities that he has committed. well, surprise surprise, i am here for you darling

i remember saying to him "hubby, no matter what, you still make me laugh, and that is ONE thing i will always treasure about us"

thank you sage, for giving me another light bulb moment

kitti

Posted By: NoLongerHere Re: It Will Be Worth the Adjustment - 11/05/03 09:57 PM

Demonstration of unconditional love is SOOOOOOOOOOOOO powerful. From my experience at least.

- Bill

Posted By: imalright Re: It Will Be Worth the Adjustment - 11/05/03 10:11 PM

Kitti,

Quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Don't you think that your h might wonder how on earth you could forgive him, still love him, etc?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I've read this before, I think T2 said this to me a while back! I know that is how my H must feel. I'm trying to let him know I care without making it look like pursuing. I feel like a jumping bean. Jumping around DRing. LOL!

Deb

Posted By: Zoo Re: It Will Be Worth the Adjustment - 11/05/03 10:25 PM

Hi Kitti !

Things do seem to be looking better for you and H Yes, I would say that you will be there for the winter ! I think bowling is a great idea too...H and I have discussed it but it seems to be another one of those things that we just don't get around too

I too know how you feel about the whole men/depression issue. I tried my best to get H to understand that seeking medical help for his depressed state was not a "BAD" thing, that it didn't make him less of a man etc. H acknowledged his depression but said there was "no way in HE!! he was going to take meds or see a C about it. I even pointed out to him that when I took that tact with him regarding MY depression he insisted I was only hurting myself if I DIDN'T do something about it

I don't think we will ever be able to get past the whole "machismo" thing in my lifetime....

Zoo

Posted By: shinybear Re: It Will Be Worth the Adjustment - 11/05/03 10:44 PM

Yup yup yup...CJ blustered his way through chronic depression (he figures since adolescence at least)...Until it helped contribute to our world blowing apart last year.

He's now on meds, but like Bill...thinking already of..."when can I get off of these?"...At least he IS in a depression support group too.

Honestly for me...I'll stay on my meds forever if it means NOT going back THERE>

kk...I didn't know your H has Bipolar...He really DOES need to have his meds on board...It is, unfortunately one of the harder mood disorders to treat as the meds can make them feel "zombied" and the manic phases are sooooo seductive.

There's bipolar in both our families and in some friends too. Must say when they're just a bit "up" these folks are so imaginative, funny, creative...I actually prefer to see them a bit up vs down...although TRY to get a word in edgewise!!!

LOL

Shiny

Posted By: alaskangal Re: It Will Be Worth the Adjustment - 11/06/03 01:54 AM

(Kitti) You are doing great! I am bipolar and so understand you H's moods and reluctance to be on meds..the ups are very seductive...Shiny is correct. The downs suck!

Often, I found myself attacking others for no good reason...it's a part of the bipolar thing...mixed mania, where I become very easily aggravated, agitated, and angry for no real good reasons..so be aware that sometimes your H may just be acting out his illness...and not really meaning to hurt you. I know that's hard to swallow, but it's so true. If you can separate h from his illness....it will be so much easier on you!

It sounds like he is really struggling to show you how much he appreciates you being back at home! So, absence does make the heart grow fonder....

keep up the great db'ing, Kitti! You are so worth it!

Posted By: imalright Re: It Will Be Worth the Adjustment - 11/06/03 02:16 PM

Morning Kitti!

Deb

Posted By: KutieKat Re: It Will Be Worth the Adjustment - 11/06/03 02:32 PM

bill - unconditional love. egads, something i am finally coming to grips with that is for sure. no conditions in loving a person. oh yeah...i have put alot of conditions on hubby's love for me - thanks bill for the reminder

deb - good morning my sweet. yes, a jumping bean is the perfect analogy. jumping all over creation in trying to do the right thing - i hope t2 calls today!!!!

zoo - machismo - hehe, that gave me a chuckle. i never thought of my husband with that sort of attitude but with this i guess he is demonstrating that! thanks for the words of encouragement

shiny - yup, hubby has been diagnosed bipolar 1 and 2 with paranoid/schizo tendencies. oh yeah, he!! to live with - but i love him anyway

when on his meds he feels very passive, developes an "i don't care" attitude about things. he says that during the affair while he was on his medication he really didn't care about anything. he tells me the reason he is off his meds now is because he wants to deal with this KNOWING that he is using all his faculties. egads, how do you impress on a person they are NOT thinking with all of their faculties???

oh well, this is something he has to journey thru

alaskangal - i try so hard at times to remember that he is bipolar, and that when he does have his manic moments he can be very hurtful (verbally) - but sometimes you are so focused on the words that the logic just dispels. but thank you for that insight.

bipolar and alcohalism is so closely related. i understand the need to calm those manic moments by drinking (i have seen this so often when hubby tries to self medicate by drinking) - i just wish he would take his medicine!!!

***************************

POSITIVES

1) we went grocery shopping together!

2) we watched a silly 80's movie last night, and hubby started acting up about something at the movie, and i told him to stop (playfully) and i took my cold beer bottle and stuck it on his chest to make him stop, and then he grabbed it and tried to do the same thing to me, which means he had to lift my shirt - very playful last night!!!

3) we cooked dinner together!!!

********************************

just journaling ... reading sages post this morning even tho she is not doing good, it actually gave me a bit of comfort to know that the feelings and insecurities i still have are very normal. even after all this time, there are things that still get to her, and i have to realize that they will still get to me

hubby didn't look to well this morning going off to work. i think he is under tremendous pressure to get some bills paid, and so i am taking this at face value and not going to worry about what he feels about us today.

in fact, plan on having a really nice day with daughter today, the sun is shining and we might just go out and do something together!!!

kitti

Posted By: KAW Re: It Will Be Worth the Adjustment - 11/06/03 05:24 PM

Good day kitti,

Quote:

it actually gave me a bit of comfort to know that the feelings and insecurities i still have are very normal.

Oh yea ... we all are doing our surfing thang ... one moment we are riding the wave ... feeling the rush ... then the next moment ... we're head over heels underwater trying to figure out which way is up and struggle for a breath of air ... but once we're treading water again, we look for that next wave to ride...

Keep on listing those positive kitti. They're real and they're the best d@mn surfboard out there to help ride that wave for as long as possible.

'til later,
KAW

Posted By: alaskangal Re: It Will Be Worth the Adjustment - 11/07/03 02:55 AM

Have you or H ever heard of topomax? It is a medicine originally for epileptics. Anyway, it works for some bipolars...I take it. It also has the side effect of you not wanting to drink...which helps, as I am alcoholic in recovery. And yes, bipolar/alcoholism very often goes hand in hand. Anyway, I don't feel so zombie like when on the topomax, as I did on other meds...so perhaps H could explore this possiblity with doc....I take welbutrin, as well...which has little sexual side effects for men and women from what I am told.
Just thought that might interest you.....Make yourself a great day!

Posted By: psluke Re: It Will Be Worth the Adjustment - 11/07/03 10:31 AM

Good Morning Kitti,

I think Sunshine is back!

Hope you are doing well and thank you for talking to me the other day when I was so upset!

Posted By: imalright Re: It Will Be Worth the Adjustment - 11/07/03 02:51 PM

Goodmorning, Kitti!

Hope all is going great with you! It was nice chatting with you. Hope T2 and you are going to get to meet!

Deb

Posted By: KutieKat Re: It Will Be Worth the Adjustment - 11/07/03 06:39 PM

deb - you are so sweet as always deb, constantly checking up on me! sad to say don't think me and t2 will be meeting this visit, ugh, she called today but i couldn't get to the phone in time so she left a message - said she would call again this evening - we will have a phone visit at least

pam - hello there sunshine, you sound SO MUCH better today! glad to hear that!!! keep up the pma, it's so much better than that awful PMS!!!

alaskangal - i have heard of topomax, maybe i could look into it a bit more - i actually would love to be on it cause i hear it's an appetite suppressent as well! LOL

kaw - excellent analogy, cause that is exactly what we all are doing eh???? thanks for the visit and the encouraging words

************************

i started a new thread, so i will be doing my positives for yesterday and my journaling there! time to close this one up!!!

New Thread