Pre Piecing - DivorceBusting.com

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Link to my previous thread in Newcomers...
Trying to stay patient- part 8

I wouldn't say we're piecing yet, just seeing what happens...

Background
A little under a month ago, W sent me an email wondering what us trying would look like- how would it work? Steps involved? Our expectations, etc... We decided to meet up for dinner and discuss further. We agreed to give it a shot, but because it's been over 2 yrs since we separated, didn't really know the steps involved. Because so much time has passed and this was basically a 'new' R, I wasn't going to insist on MC or no contact letters. However, she did ask me to send her my thoughts on what I would need from her.

A couple days later, I sent an email outlining some random thoughts- how we should increase communication, start hanging out and explaining my need for her to end certain friendships. She responded a few days after with her needs- mainly to be patient with her as after living by herself for 2 yrs, she struggles with our increased communication and feeling like she has to 'answer' to me on her whereabouts.

Interaction
For the past 3 weeks, we've been texting pretty much daily. Mainly regarding the kids or the week's schedule, but there is some small talk in there as well. It's been light talk, nothing R related, but it's a huge change from these past 2 yrs when our limited communication was through email. She asked me to go Halloween shopping with her last weekend and I've asked her out for this upcoming Sunday.

We've been getting along surprisingly well. The kids had a Halloween party at the house last weekend and she asked if she could help with food. She stayed for most of the day and helped with the party as well. I do notice a change in how she interacts with me- she's friendlier to me, hasn't snapped at me, doesn't seem on edge...she even mentioned buying me some new rugs for the house?!

OM
When we originally met for dinner to discuss 'trying', I explained that it was taking a lot for me to open up to her and be vulnerable again, because of what had happened. She acknowledged that and asked what I would need her to do. I asked for her to unfriend him on Facebook, delete emails/texts, etc. She doesn't use FB a whole lot, but I did notice that she unfriended him. It's at least a step in the right direction. I'm starting over from square 1 in the trust department, so this will be an ongoing feeling I'll need to deal with.

Feelings
I don't have 'those' feelings for her yet- I'm chalking it up to still being waaaay too early, but I can't help wondering if maybe after all this time and all I've been through, that they won't come back?? The thought of being intimate with her doesn't even cross my mind, and when it does, I question if I'd ever be able to, knowing there was an OM. Like I said- way too early for any of that thought, just noting it and wondering if others felt the same this early on? I do worry that W will throw her hands up and give up after a few weeks/months go by if she doesn't have 'those' feelings either. I just hope that we both can give it enough time to know for sure.

So right now it's just taking things slow, hanging out, having fun and rebuilding a friendship with no pressure involved. She initiates most of our communication, which shows me that she is putting forth the effort. Without coming out and saying it, I'm trying to let her drive us. If this should continue, at some point we'd need to have some tough conversations and I'd still insist on MC, but we're a ways off from that.

I welcome any thoughts/advice...

Tar. Just read your previous thread. So inspirational to read. I have all but given up on my H but now.... Everyone has been telling me to give up and move on. I have been asking myself "why should i push for something i dont want ?" i dont want a D and H has never mentioned it. I saw some similarities with H and your W with stalling etc. I think I have hope again, maybe always have, maybe I shouldn't.

Funny story from tonight...So W and I went out to the mall earlier. Grabbed a drink, then shared a cinnamon roll in the food court, then went to a comedy show. Had a good time. Anyways, while we're sitting in the food court, some random girl comes up to our table- 'Excuse me, this is going to seem weird, but I noticed how happy you two seemed so I was wondering how long you've been dating?' W and I both laughed and looked at each other. W jokingly asked if I had paid her to approach us. I responded that I'd let her answer. W told the girl that we were M for 16 yrs, to which the girl asked if we were just friends now or reconnecting. I think I answered 'we're just trying to figure things out' while W answered along the lines of friends. The girl said we looked cute and hoped everything worked out, then walked away.

How weird is that?!

That is a strange incident! How did W react after the girl left?

I think we both were just in shock and taken off guard, so we just laughed and joked about it.

We still haven't had any R talk. Just never comes up in any of the times we've hung out, although I have considered asking her how she feels about these past 5 weeks- what's working, what's not, etc, but I don't want her to feel like I'm pressuring her. We've gone out several times and text/talk on the phone, but there's never any flirting or touching. The closest 'romantic' type thing that's happened was that after W complained about a long day at work, the next day I sent her a Starbucks gift card through email and a message that I hoped a coffee would help her make it through the day. Just an inexpensive, thoughtful gesture.

A wise man (aka Starsky) once wrote about how long 'in love' feelings can take to come back and I think that is applying to both of us right now.

Any updates TH, how did Turkey Day go with you all...OLW

No exciting updates. W and I have continued to communicate more frequently, but still no 'us' talk. She invited me to go see a movie with her and the kids last weekend and her and I are planning on meeting up for lunch or something this Sunday.

For Thanksgiving, she took the kids out of town to spend time with her mom/brother. Most of my family is in town, so I spent the holidays with them. I don't know that we're at the stage yet where we are back to attending larger family functions together.

Debating on bringing up R talk this weekend, if nothing else, really just to make sure we're still on the same page with our intentions. I admit that I don't think I'm ready for the affection stage, even if W was (I don't get any indication that she is). Despite my forgiving her, I feel like there's still an elephant in the room. But it would be reassuring to hear that we're both still committed to trying to make this work. Until we have that conversation, I can only assume that she isn't talking to any other guys. No easy way to start that conversation when I don't want W to feel pressured. And unlike early on when I felt the 'need' to constantly heat check, I really don't feel the need any longer.

Well I clearly understand, you are now walking a very tight rope my friend, on one hand you want to hear from her that she is still committed and on the other hand you don't want her to feel pressure. In one of your posts you said that it might feel like a brand new relationship given the time period. Although you have history I see you are in a pickle... Good luck my friend and keep posting.

Thanks OLW!

W and I went to lunch and did some Christmas shopping for the kids yesterday. I've been looking for a car for S16, so we've talked on the phone quite a bit lately on that topic. Interactions continue to be friendly. However, whenever W talks about the future (ex- her car payment for another year), it's always projected as her still being on her own. Understandable, I suppose.

As for the R talk I mentioned in my last post, my plan as of now is to wait it out a few more weeks. I'm planning on asking W if she'd like to go out for New Year's Eve. This may sound silly, but the expectation of a fancy dinner followed by a kiss at midnight steps our R up slightly without the awkwardness of who makes the first move and when on one of our 'dates'. Plus, I should get a better feel as to her feelings and intentions based on whether she accepts my invitation and our interaction should we go out. From there, I would expect the R talk to come a little more naturally.

Well, my time here (and this thread) have come to an end. After what I felt was a productive and pretty friendly past 3 mos has flipped upside down and now I'll be starting the dissolution process.

Christmas went well- W came over in the morning, fixed breakfast for all of us and we opened presents. Put on a movie and W took a nap on the couch while I helped D11 with some of her gifts. We got along just fine and both bought each other thoughtful gifts. Later in the day, W headed back to her place to shower and let dogs out while I took the kids over to my parents. A couple hours later, we headed home, W came back over and I fixed dinner. I thought everything went fine as far as our interaction although at one point I stood in front of a sitting W and said 'Merry Christmas' with out stretched arms. She didn't move, so I gave myself an air hug and walked away. No big deal, but it seemed weird as it wasn't anything you wouldn't do to a friend. W and the kids headed to her place later in the evening.

2 days ago, I text W asking if she had any New Years Eve plans and if she'd want to go out with me. No response, so hours later I text back saying it was fine, just figured I'd ask. Her response totally took me off guard- that she was tired of the back and forth, all the hurting, that she was anxious all day on Christmas at the house and just wanted to go home, that she felt I wanted 'more', that 1 day she feels like trying and the next day she doesn't.....it was totally out of the blue because these past 3 mos we've been nothing but friendly towards each other and at no point did we have any type of R talk. I was very careful these past few mos not to do anything that came across as pressure because 1) I didn't want her to feel pressured and 2) because I didn't know how I felt about her/things so wanted to move very slowly. I asked her for examples and to explain why she was feeling that way, but in typical W fashion, she shut down.

So, the last 2 days we've exchanged plenty of texts, mostly not so nice things about ending it. I admit that some anger has returned on my part because I feel like she's giving up too easily without a real explanation and mainly because she isn't able to carry on a conversation (her shutting down is a major frustration trigger). Her feelings/decisions are out of my control and I knew this was a potential outcome, but it still hurts. I'm disappointed because she ended up not being the person I thought she was (lesson learned about others being out of my control). Someone who always claimed (because her parents are divorced) that family was the most important thing to her. I feel like I've let my kids down- that we should be teaching them to fight through difficult times, not to throw in the towel.

I'll continue to move forward and I know I'll be fine. Once all this is wrapped up, I don't plan on having any interaction with W outside of what is necessary. I just don't need her and that drama in my life anymore. She continues to say she wants us to be friends, but we were nothing more than friends these past 3 mos and that was too much for her, so I don't know what type of 'friendship' she's looking for. Maybe one day she'll snap out of the fog that I think she's still in and will realize what she/we could have had, but by then, it will be too late.

I just read this post (haven't been to this forum in a long time) and I'm so very sorry about her pulling away again. At least you know you have turned every stone and given the R every chance.

It is tremendously difficult to have a R with someone who can't talk. I've struggled with that for my entire M.

I hope you'll check in and let us know how you're doing!

TH how are you, any new updates. OLW

Nothing new to report. Haven't spoken to W in almost 3 weeks. Yesterday was my birthday and not even a text from her. Actually, she text the kids to see if they could come over earlier than normal (was her night) instead of asking if I wanted to keep them. They don't enjoy going over there to begin with, so responded with a no (hee hee).

S16 had a school function the other night. I had the kids with me. W came in right before it started and sat in front of us with her bff. At no point did she try to talk to me or even glance in my direction, which was fine because I didn't either.

I actually had an atty appt set up a few weeks ago, but ended up cancelling it. She had mentioned she was going to have her own atty, so I figured I'd let her drive the dissolution. Plus, I was in no hurry to fund a D that I didn't want in the first place (I'm sure I'd have to spot her half of the dissolution cost). I'm finding that I don't really miss her and that D is what I want now too, so at some point I'll probably have to go ahead and initiate it (because I doubt she ever will), but it's still painful to think of splitting up things from the house- who takes pictures of the kids, what furniture does she take....

Hey Tarheel,

I read with goosebumps and then read to the end. Sorry to hear it turned out that way for you. Hope you are doing well now.

Dev