Rebuilding 1 step at a time - 10/21/14 02:56 AM
I've previously posted in the newcomer and infidelity sections, but I'll recap the situation here since we are actively working on piecing now. This year has been a roller coaster ride. Starting in February my H began pulling away from me emotionally and physically. He never said he didn't love me, in fact he kept telling me love didn't have anything to do with the problem. He loved me and just felt that we had grown apart and didn't have anything in common anymore. He started staying out really late drinking, occasionally not coming home. He also increased his travel because he didn't want to be home much. At first, my head was spinning from the sudden change and I did everything wrong. H mentioned divorce and/or separation a few times. I begged and pleaded originally. After about a month, before I found DR, I changed my response and would tell him that he was welcome to leave if he wanted, but I was staying right there. He was confused and ultimately never made the choice to leave.
We had a few MC sessions in April, but they didn't help much. At the recommendation of the MC we both started IC instead. It was their opinion that H needed to work on his own issues before we could work on ours together. This was in part due to the fact that H has some childhood trauma that he has never addressed. That is an ongoing issue that H is trying to work through. My IC has flat out told me that we should wait for MC until he gets through some of those things on his own.
In June I found DR and began to examine my role in the current state of our marriage. I realized partially on my own, and partially from comments H made that I had not been speaking his love language. I was not as supportive or appreciative of H as I should have been. I implemented 180s and began validating him when the opportunity arose. I also worked on detaching and GAL. GAL was challenging at times because we have a toddler and not a lot of baby sitting options. I also believe being fairly new parents contributed to the deterioration of our marriage. I felt exhausted as a new mom and often resentful that H wasn't helping with our child as much as I'd hoped. On th flip side, H felt that I put all my energy into our child and gave very little time and attention to our marriage.
After using some DR strategies, H began softening towards me and we had a few fun events together, 1 family trip and 1 concert just the two of us. Things were still strained though. H had admitted at this point to an EA with a coworker and I suspected, but had no proof, that they'd been having a PA. Whenever we got in R talks, which I tried to avoid as much as possible, H would say that I deserve better and that he's not a good person. I could tell that he had a lot of guilt and self hatred based on all of his comments. In mid July, H voluntarily confessed to having a 4 month affair. It took 2 weeks for the true identity of the affair partner to be revealed. He originally lied and said it was a stranger. I told him that the affair was not a deal breaker for me as long as it was over and he became transparent with me. He told me he had been distancing himself from OW and the affair was over. I found correspondence that confirmed this. He was very concerned that I'd never be able to get passed the affair and that it was compromising my values. Due to this, it took him about a week to ultimately decide that he wanted to work on our marriage.
The last few months have been back and forth. H has answered all of my questions about the affair and I am confident that it has ended. He has also taken full responsibility for his actions, apologized about the pain he caused me and vowed never to cheat again. He is also adamant that he does not want our marriage to fail. However, he still works with OW and they do interact at times. This, understandably I think, gives me some anxiety. Origially, H was giving me daily reports about their interactions. I got into a bad pattern of letting OW in my head and questioning things instead of appreciating his actions. That caused him to pull back, get defensive and stop volunteering information. Part of my issue is that H and OW think they can still be friendly. H is insistent that he will no longer hang out with her in a social setting or one on one. He does still have to be around her at some work events, but he does voluntarily tell me about those and they are not alone. My DB coach has told me to choose to trust him and let go of the anxiety because he has done the majority of the things I've asked. She also stressed that I need to accentuate the positives actions, forget the negative ones and stop mentioning OW.
We decided during the summer to move back to the place we consider home because we have more of a support system there. Now that we've made the move, H has to travel to the office where OW is a few days a week. I implemented my coach's suggestions last week while he was traveling and the results were very positive. He's not fully transparent in that I don't have access to all of his emails or phone records, but he was calling me from the hotel every night, texting throughout the day and telling me that he loved me. He also told me that he missed me and was very affectionate when he got home. During the A he was not doing any of that and generally just acted guilty and distant. He is also looking for another job (according to the grapevine so is OW) but I don't think a job change will happen for awhile.
I know I am luckier than most in the sense that my H's fog was fairly short. I still feel like this could be a long journey. I'm struggling to let go and trust, but I absolutely want this marriage to last. I think I need to give up the strict definition of full transparency that I'm holding onto and appreciate that H is trying to show me that he wants to be here. The more I harp on him about what he's not doing, the more he stops the actions I do like. I'm praying for patience and strength as we continue to piece our marriage back together.
We had a few MC sessions in April, but they didn't help much. At the recommendation of the MC we both started IC instead. It was their opinion that H needed to work on his own issues before we could work on ours together. This was in part due to the fact that H has some childhood trauma that he has never addressed. That is an ongoing issue that H is trying to work through. My IC has flat out told me that we should wait for MC until he gets through some of those things on his own.
In June I found DR and began to examine my role in the current state of our marriage. I realized partially on my own, and partially from comments H made that I had not been speaking his love language. I was not as supportive or appreciative of H as I should have been. I implemented 180s and began validating him when the opportunity arose. I also worked on detaching and GAL. GAL was challenging at times because we have a toddler and not a lot of baby sitting options. I also believe being fairly new parents contributed to the deterioration of our marriage. I felt exhausted as a new mom and often resentful that H wasn't helping with our child as much as I'd hoped. On th flip side, H felt that I put all my energy into our child and gave very little time and attention to our marriage.
After using some DR strategies, H began softening towards me and we had a few fun events together, 1 family trip and 1 concert just the two of us. Things were still strained though. H had admitted at this point to an EA with a coworker and I suspected, but had no proof, that they'd been having a PA. Whenever we got in R talks, which I tried to avoid as much as possible, H would say that I deserve better and that he's not a good person. I could tell that he had a lot of guilt and self hatred based on all of his comments. In mid July, H voluntarily confessed to having a 4 month affair. It took 2 weeks for the true identity of the affair partner to be revealed. He originally lied and said it was a stranger. I told him that the affair was not a deal breaker for me as long as it was over and he became transparent with me. He told me he had been distancing himself from OW and the affair was over. I found correspondence that confirmed this. He was very concerned that I'd never be able to get passed the affair and that it was compromising my values. Due to this, it took him about a week to ultimately decide that he wanted to work on our marriage.
The last few months have been back and forth. H has answered all of my questions about the affair and I am confident that it has ended. He has also taken full responsibility for his actions, apologized about the pain he caused me and vowed never to cheat again. He is also adamant that he does not want our marriage to fail. However, he still works with OW and they do interact at times. This, understandably I think, gives me some anxiety. Origially, H was giving me daily reports about their interactions. I got into a bad pattern of letting OW in my head and questioning things instead of appreciating his actions. That caused him to pull back, get defensive and stop volunteering information. Part of my issue is that H and OW think they can still be friendly. H is insistent that he will no longer hang out with her in a social setting or one on one. He does still have to be around her at some work events, but he does voluntarily tell me about those and they are not alone. My DB coach has told me to choose to trust him and let go of the anxiety because he has done the majority of the things I've asked. She also stressed that I need to accentuate the positives actions, forget the negative ones and stop mentioning OW.
We decided during the summer to move back to the place we consider home because we have more of a support system there. Now that we've made the move, H has to travel to the office where OW is a few days a week. I implemented my coach's suggestions last week while he was traveling and the results were very positive. He's not fully transparent in that I don't have access to all of his emails or phone records, but he was calling me from the hotel every night, texting throughout the day and telling me that he loved me. He also told me that he missed me and was very affectionate when he got home. During the A he was not doing any of that and generally just acted guilty and distant. He is also looking for another job (according to the grapevine so is OW) but I don't think a job change will happen for awhile.
I know I am luckier than most in the sense that my H's fog was fairly short. I still feel like this could be a long journey. I'm struggling to let go and trust, but I absolutely want this marriage to last. I think I need to give up the strict definition of full transparency that I'm holding onto and appreciate that H is trying to show me that he wants to be here. The more I harp on him about what he's not doing, the more he stops the actions I do like. I'm praying for patience and strength as we continue to piece our marriage back together.