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Posted By: Concerned_Listener The Strength to Love - 03/02/13 03:54 PM
My W and I continue to work on building connection in our dance community. We've been attending a social dance studio for almost two years. We've been sitting with other couples since New Year's Eve. My W got us invited to join a table for New Year's Eve, and now we sit there every weekend. My W and I have been commenting on how more people are being friendlier to us. We've become a part of that community. It's the most connection my W and I have had as a couple in the nearly 20 years of our M.

A colleague of mine who is a vocational counselor offered to provide career counseling for my W, to help her plan for a move from her current job. I hope she takes advantage of the opportunity.

I've been making a point of smiling more often--to others and to break my mood when I get too serious. I had read that the facial expression of smiling can influence one's mood. A woman I dance with, tells me that she makes an effort to get me to smile more.

CL
Posted By: Concerned_Listener Re: The Strength to Love - 03/03/13 12:21 PM
I found out yesterday morning that my W did not have a good time the night before. She felt like she was sitting too much, and that I was acting like a single guy and enjoying myself on my own. I didn't know this was happening. She didn't say anything to me, during the evening. I listened to her complaint. She is right that I need to make more of an effort to be a pleasant partner to be with. I get mentally fatigued with learning new material, which isn't a struggle for her. I think there will always be a gap in our learning styles, and chronic conflict due to our different learning styles. It's hard to know what kind of evening she's having, as she doesn't always communicate that to me clearly.

I think my listening worked well enough, as we moved past the conversation and connected during the day thru a shopping trip and dinner. I set some boundaries as she wanted to go dancing that evening, and I was too mentally fatigued for another night of dancing. I need to be mindful of what I say to her in public. If I make a commitment to spend the evening with her, I need to stay in partner mode the entire time.

CL
Posted By: Starsky309 Re: The Strength to Love - 03/03/13 01:02 PM
I still think this is all so much nibbling around the edges, CL, and it doesn't seem to be working. I still think your wife is craving a more visceral connection with you, and until you summon up the nerve to attack that, I think you're largely going to be chasing smokescreens.

I know you don't want to hear that, and are avoiding it, but it's just how it looks from my seat. And as you know, I've been sitting here watching this show for quite awhile.

When are you going to get tired of all this eggshell-walking?


Starsky
Posted By: Concerned_Listener Re: The Strength to Love - 03/05/13 03:58 AM
Originally Posted By: Starsky309
I still think your wife is craving a more visceral connection with you, and until you summon up the nerve to attack that, I think you're largely going to be chasing smokescreens.

When are you going to get tired of all this eggshell-walking?


Starsky


I agree with the need for movement towards a head-heart (visceral) blend. I think there's significantly less eggshell walking. I got tired of it months ago.

CL
Posted By: Starsky309 Re: The Strength to Love - 03/05/13 04:33 PM
I think she's jealous of you dancing with other women, because she craves that connection from YOU!
Posted By: Concerned_Listener Re: The Strength to Love - 03/08/13 12:34 PM
Originally Posted By: Starsky309
I still think your wife is craving a more visceral connection with you, and until you summon up the nerve to attack that, I think you're largely going to be chasing smokescreens.




Starsky


I continue to ponder the words visceral connection. Getting to a level of good enough in this area of the R is probably the foundation, that will prevent any significant backsliding, and move the R out of turbulence. My W does appear to want connection with me. She wants my time, for me to listen, and to be a social partner.

Religion for me in the past has been more of an intellectual exercise, and reminder of how to be moral in the world. I resumed church attendance over a year ago. It began again as an intellectual effort, but has evolved into being a blend of intellect and experience (head and heart). I continue to read to sharpen the intellect, but what gets me back on track is the experience of God (as I understand it).

People at work are commenting behind the scenes, that I seem more engaged with clients and colleagues. They have simple reasons for this. I know that it's been a process over the recent years, due to the addition of activities that are bearing fruit.

My W responds harshly when there is a lack of connection, or when I act in self-interest, and not as a partner. I summon strength and listen to her feedback, and make corrections as-needed. I'll agree with Starsky, that there needs to be continued improvement in connection, particularly from the heart.

CL
Posted By: Starsky309 Re: The Strength to Love - 03/08/13 03:04 PM

Sigh . . .
Posted By: Concerned_Listener Re: The Strength to Love - 03/21/13 09:41 PM
My mother emailed me that family will be getting together in North Carolina this summer. My W and I are invited. Spending an extended period of time with my family W has never happened during our M. I'll talk to my W about this invitation. My initial reaction is fear and worry, but I'm working on being a stronger person these days, so this will be another opportunity to practice becoming the type of person I'm aspiring to be.

CL
Posted By: Concerned_Listener Re: The Strength to Love - 04/01/13 08:50 PM
My W changed her profile picture to one of the both of us. It's a recent picture of us at a ballroom event, where I was in a tuxedo and bow tie, and she in a dress. I posted the picture on Facebook, and received many compliments from friends. She's received many compliments from Facebook friends about her new profile picture.

CL
Posted By: Starsky309 Re: The Strength to Love - 04/01/13 09:21 PM
smile
Posted By: Concerned_Listener Re: The Strength to Love - 04/03/13 02:38 PM
My W completed an intake interview with a vocational counselor who is willing to provide services as a courtesy (coworker of mine). My W is underemployed IMO. She works PT in the accounting department of a struggling small business. She aspires to something greater but doesn't know what direction to go, and has difficulty with self-initiative and organization. A vocational counselor can provide guidance and accountability. I'll stay out of the way, let her work her way thru this, and provide support as-needed. She deserves to be fairly compensated, valued by her employer, and enjoy the culture and role of her job. Her current job is 2 for 4.

We make enough money to pay the bills with some left over for recreation. We both aspire to have more disposable income, so we can take vacations or pursue other recreational interests without blinking an eye. Money is our primary stressor at this time.

CL
Posted By: Concerned_Listener Re: The Strength to Love - 04/15/13 06:54 PM
My W struck up a conversation with a fellow dancer at a performance practice session. The woman is a dog lover, like us. My W found her on a social networking site, struck up a friendship, and has been chatting about dog ownership since. The woman had looked, five years ago, at the litter where my dog is from. She almost chose my dog, but ended up not choosing a puppy from the litter. Our connections continue to deepen and broaden in the dance community. Mine also deepens and broadens at church.

CL
Posted By: Concerned_Listener Re: The Strength to Love - 05/06/13 10:06 PM
I've decided to take the lead regarding financial matters. Talking about finances is stressful for her, and she starts acting like she's not making enough money, and what she's doing isn't good enough. I send her an email and tell her what I'm going to do, so it's not a secret. We pay too much for our fitness center. I go twice per week, and she hardly goes. I visited a fitness center closer to home this weekend, without the bells and whistles. The membership fee is half the price. She agreed to switch, as soon as she finishes her remaining training sessions.

I've been wanting to take advantage of the mortgage rates, and shorten the life of our loan. I've been avoiding this, as we have a lot of credit card debt, and assumed we wouldn't be approved. I've noticed the rates have dropped again. I sent her an email, that I'm going to sit down with a loan officer, and start the process, rather than assume the answer is no. I will visit the bank this week. She said OK.

In the spirit of DB, I have started Acting As If I'm a spouse who is being financially responsible and proactive about managing our financial problems, even though I too have avoided seeking help to address problems, and have felt frustrated by our monthly expenses.

CL
Posted By: Concerned_Listener Re: The Strength to Love - 06/06/13 09:15 PM
My W spoke to a doctor friend of hers and decided to try e-cigarettes to cut down on smoking. I researched them for her, and found out there aren't studies yet to support their efficacy or tell if they do harm. She decided that they have to be safer than cigarettes, so bought one. She tried it once, and found the mist too strong. I'll ask her every now and then about her progress with this, validate her progress, and help her move forward with a new habit.

I called the fitness center this past week and cancelled the membership. I'm not going to pursue a new fitness center at this time, and suggest to my W as-needed that we hold off on joining a new one so that there can be needed extra cash flow. I'll keep looking for other items to cut in our budget.

I've started doing yoga in the mornings before work, and feel less stiff on a daily basis. I've increased the frequency of walks for my dog, now that I don't have class commitments.

My W is having a good response to Ritalin. She talks about it allowing her to focus. She's functioning quite well at a stressful job. When she's not on it, her lack of focus immobilizes her. I've seen this pattern in her, but never considered ADD.

I let my church know I would be available for a low commitment volunteer job.

CL
Posted By: Starsky309 Re: The Strength to Love - 10/31/13 03:04 PM

CL, how about an update? Haven't heard from you in a long while. Hope everything is okay!

Starsky
Posted By: Concerned_Listener Re: The Strength to Love - 11/11/13 03:23 AM
We keep moving forward. We keep dancing at least 2-3X per week, between lessons and social dancing. We spend time with another couple where a budding friendship is forming. I've been a member of a church for two years, which has helped me in dealing with marital and life stressors better, and helps me to see that my past marital problems are a part of life, and that all of us have a past filled with mistakes. I have less shame surrounding my marital past, though I do regret mistakes I've made. My W talks about joining me for church, but I go regularly to make my own connections and continue developing a mindset that makes me a better husband and human being. My W is meeting with a career counselor and attends a job support group so that she can find enjoyable, stimulating work that she is fairly compensated for.

I'm not tha same person I was when I got married, and during our trying times. I can see how I contributed to the problems in the M. I'm glad we didn't get a D. The area I need to continue to improve on is connection and intimacy with my W and others, personally and as a couple. Relational skill gaps are what got me into marital trouble. I'm good at autonomy and developing other skills. In a discussion group at church, we were asked how do we need to grow in the coming year. I answered that I need to continue to be less conceptual and intellectual, with more time invested in relationships.

CL
Posted By: Concerned_Listener Re: The Strength to Love - 12/15/13 07:53 PM
My W joined me for the first time today at the church I've been attending for two years. She had some difficulty sitting in the silence, but she found it to be a positive experience, and intends to return. I made a point of introducing her to at least a half dozen people, plus the minister.

CL
Posted By: Concerned_Listener Re: The Strength to Love - 01/01/14 03:11 PM
My W has given me permission to attempt to wake her up on Sunday mornings to accompany me to church. She is free to say yes or no. If she consistently says no, I will back off. She accompanied me to Christmas Eve service, and had a small part in a play.

We had an emotional discussion about the dance studio we've been attending for the past four years. The positives seems to be decreasing and the negatives increasing at this studio. Our last two group classes have not gone well, which is unusual for us. We think we're weary of the negatives we've endured over the past year. We're going to scale back from the studio this year, and put our time and money into a studio that is a better fit for our goals.

We close on our mortgage refinance next week, which will free my W up to leave her current part-time job, with the negative envrionment due to the company consistently losing money. She is underpaid for her level of experience, and undervalued. My W has been staying there until the loan was cloaed.

CL
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