Funny, I'm sitting here in an airport and thinking of what no name my new thread, when I realized that after circling and cycling, we seem to have come to this point where things are pretty stable and onward moving. Its been 4 months now that I have been seeing forward moevement, so I hope I am not being too optimistic in my assessment of our situation.
Last weekend, H and I were at Macy's looking at mattresses cause he has a back problem. Initially, we were trying to be cheap, but the mattress he really wanted was pretty expensive. It also had a 25 year warranty.
He looks at me and says we might as well buy one and be assured of good sleep for the next 25 years..... woohooo!
So we got it delivered last Monday..... unfortunately, hasn't been used for anything much more than sleeping as we both has to travel.....but heres hoping......
Oh well. The saga goes on.
That's awesome! I hope things keep improving for you both.
If you don't mind me asking, did you actually separate as in live in separate houses?
Hi Liza,
I don't mind. No, we never separated physically. Many, many times I wanted to leave but held on, thanks to people here who helped me.
With what happend to me, I really do believe in DBing. It did save my marriage.
I wish I had of realized what was happening earlier.
I feel like I have handled everything all wrong. It feels like not his gone and it's too late.
Hi Angel61,
I just read your last thread and followed you here. Your post are helping me understand a little about when they seem to be coming "home'' again there really is no guarantee.
My sitch is a little similar though were at the beginning of h talking to me and making plans for next summer. Laughing a little, joking, and even picking up some of his own likes and interests around the house.
He is still actively talking and visiting ea not sure about that yet, I'm concentrating on what I do have control over, and that's my home life with H.
What's is it that they are doing - if I can ask - when they start to peek out and ''want" you around them? I am still shocked by his gestures to sit with him, or talk about his game he's developing for when he retires?
What do you say to the person who in the same hour can say their never going to except getting old, or having this small house? How do you deal with neg. language and now the pos. if you don't mind me asking?
I don't get ILY either but he is holding me again, kisses goodbye, lots of hugs and help around the house. I sometime wonder if this is the calm before the finale. His way of making peace before ending the M all together.
I will continue to read how you handle yourself in your sitch. Yours is the first thread I've found at this stage. thanks for sharing!
Hi Dawnmarie,
You know, if he really wanted to leave, he will leave. And in general, I don't think they will make their peace before leaving, in fact, you don't see that in any of the sitches here. They are the nastiest people when they leave, I think they do it so that the LBS will hate them so much and it makes it easier for them to leave. They will provoke the LBS to the point that the LBS can't stand it anymore.
When they start being nice, I tink its more that they are slowly getting out of the fog and seeing things around them.
My husband told me that initially, during the height of the EA, he did feel that he was willing to give up his family to be with the OW, but later on he realized he could not do it. There was a point he was confused, and he was acting very confusing too. Being nice to me, and yet still in touch with OW. Then slowly, the contact with OW became less and less, and now its just for work. Well, it helps that she is now engaged to someone else.....
I think concentrating on yourself and just keeping the home stress free is the best thing to do. I told myself so many times , be the lighthouse. Be the woman he'd be a fool to leave. Make it so that the house is a haven. If he wants to talk, listen, affirm but don't try to control, or bring about an R talk. keep it safe, thats really important to them. Steer clear of negative talk, but praise the positive. Don't be over available though, or he will feel suffocated. Act friendly but be a little distant as well. Keep on GALing, keep the detachment cause at this point, it still probably will go up and down.
I think it will take time, and if you really want to save your marriage, you have to give yourself the gift of time. You can't force him, he has to be the one to make the decision to give up the OW, to fully come back to you. It has to come fully from him, if you pressure, it will easily go the other way. It seems to be going in a good direction though....
We still have our ups and downs, but its really not because of the EA at thhis point. The other night, I was snuggling and he asked me to move away, and I asked him in a snippy way (backslide!) Why, don't you want me to touch you? And he got mad at me, saying I was so negative. I got upset, and acted out, and he got upset at me too.
It reminded me that we are still not that stable. Yesterday, he told me that I caused him not to sleep well, and I apologized, and we got back into the groove.
I still am waiting for the time that he will be able to give me warm higs, and say ILY.
Have you thought of Retrouvaille? It might be too soon for you though....
Angel- thank you so much for your words. I asked this on my thread with
no reply, sadly maybe those reading are just as unsure as I am.
They are the nastiest people when they leave, I think they do it so that the LBS will hate them so much and it makes it easier for them to leave. They will provoke the LBS to the point that the LBS can't stand it anymore.
I think I have to reserve in my mind the idea that he may be fooling me so I don't get fooled. But, you made me think and I remember this phase about May-Aug when he was so nasty, screaming mad, threatening, to the point that I couldn't stand it/him anymore.
I told him he's free - yea, that did nothing! Now, he is mr. confused saying he isn't trying to leave me, can't shake ea though. Is it the script, you got the same spiel?
Months ago I got the ea/ow in exchange for family speech, today he says he knows that's crazy talk.
be the lighthouse. Be the woman he'd be a fool to leave. Make it so that the house is a haven.
These are the words I live by. I have always maintained our loving home, and validated him when he was able to share himself with me . I admite to R talk - ow rants of my own - I now don't see the point nor do I want to put myself through that anymore. I want to not care, in hopes that one day she disappears.
Reading your post have been a welcome twist on MLC a new phase if you will, for me to learn about. Your in the front paving a little way for those of us who are just beginning to see our h's peek out.
"Warm" hug and ILY would be great! Funny how we fight so much for these men we love, who hurt us so much, yet a warm hug is what we crave.
Yes, I read about Retrouvaille, but it is way to early for him. He is experiencing a very serious spiritual battle, he is so intense, he is like a rebellious son right now who's very angry at his Father. There is one coming to Il in Nov. maybe one day.
I have been told to be that carefree spirit I've always been and take care of myself. It's a struggle everyday just to remember I can't save him, I've always got that bubble ready for him just in case, lol!
Your response means a lot to me and I pray your path brings you to a place were you are happy.
HI Dawnmarie,
If I can just help one couple keep their marriage together, I'd be happy! Yes, its hard. I have been told that I am a doormat, that I should stand up and demand transparency, etc. but I decided that each relationship has its own characteristics and its not a one size fits all kind of situation.
Your story reminds me a lot of mine....during the times when my husband was nasty, I also told him he was free. And I told him that when he walks out of the door, there was no coming back, wanted a divorce. He never left.
My husband was brought up in a very traditional way, and he has always been one to follow what is right.
I realized that my fighting with him was really actually only destrying things, as he already knew that what he was doing was wrong. The guilt, the struggle within him, the pain at knowing thay he was hurting me and my family - that was punishment enough for him. He once told me that he felt like the lowest form of human being for being able to inflict so much pain and hurt.
Yet he couldn't shake the EA for the longest time. At the one and a half year point, I told him that I understand that it takes time, but that I wasn't going to wait forever. His reply was that he knew it would end someday but the deal was I should let him deal with it and figure it out. It was also at that point that he would always point out that he could have left but stayed, and that I should think about that and what it means. It was then that I also made a deal with him about Retrouvaille....and I felt that it was ideal at that point since he was opening up about being willing to stay, and work on us.
He also was undergoing a huge spiritual struggle at that time... questioning why God was allowing things to happen that way. He felt that he was abandoned and was losing faith.
Retrouvaille helped in that aspect. They don't really preach or try to push religion to you but the principles that guide it are from the Church.
I have to one day read through your posts. Read through mine, you will see how much I struggled, and how a lot of people heped me, too bad I don't see them post that much anymore in this forums, except for 25 yrs mlc. I have a lot of posts, I did a lot in the MLC forum, as I felt my hubby was in MLC. I also had problems with how my daughter was reacting to all this.
Being a carefree spirit does help! Just concentrate on yourself, and have fun. Thats how I survived - my natural self is bubbly, happy and optimistic...
Take care and keep on posting!
Angel, I too, have been called a doormat. It was only when I established boundaries, and stuck to them, that things improved.
I found DB website 4 years ago, after going on Retro twice.
I'm one of those, a WAW. Or I was, anyway. I don't recognize any of the old timers who got me through the first round, but I suspect I will find common ground with many here in Piecing.
Good luck with the new mattress!
Goldey
This past week there was a little diversion....
We went to Chicago last weekend to attend our annual convention. Since H and I are in the same field, we usually both attend. Thing is, I knew ex-OW was attending too, all the way from her far away country. With the fiance.
So there were some tense moments pre- convention. I knew about X-ow from a friend who works with her, H did not tell me until I asked him point blank. It started a loaded conversation, where in essence H asked me if I was not trusting him again and if I thought he was going to "rendezvous" with x-OW. It was a little nerve wracking but in a way, I wanted to lead the conversation this way because although we have been OK the past few months, H never really talks about her, and avoids the topic like anything.
Of course I denied it all though... cause truth to tell, I did not feel he was going to meet up with her.
He said that he couldn't care less if xOW was there or no, has not cared for the longest time, and also finally told me that she is probably already married. He still was a little protective of her though, the way I see it, saying "you have to let her be, she's out of the picture and getting married, leave her in peace...as though I were the one giving her trouble!"
I did tell him I was upset that he was doubting my trust....
Anyway, it didn't really matter, we were back to normal at the end of the day. It does seem that not much can shake our sitch nowadays.
So after the convention, I had to travel for work. While away, H called me one day last week and tells me"guess who showed up here!" of course, it was x-OW and her new H. Apparently, they called H (he works 5 mins from the airport)and wanted to meet up with him, and ask advice on where to go in our area.......and so he got to meet the new H over lunch. They actually wanted to invite us all to dinner....ugh. Glad I wasn't home...on the other hand, I wonder how it would have been like....awkward to death???
So H and I had a long convo on the phone about what happened, how the OW and her H were like, what they spoke about....first time! And I got a sense that H is finally over it.
I wanted to tease him actually on how he felt about meeting x-OW's H....did it hurt??? but didn't. I sometimes have a twisted sense of humour but was thinking H might not like it....
Oh well...
ooops, phone is ringing, gotta go!
Angel - things sound like there on the right track for you. Your H sounds like he's willing to try working with you, that's great.
My sitch is the same only I'm starting to WAW from him, I don't see us getting to any point of working things out, my h's depression gives him a terrible view on life.
I will keep reading for inspiration! Good luck, share your efforts that work!
HI Dawnmarie,
I agree, the depression part was scary. When H and ex-OW "broke up", it was one of the hardest times, with H so down, almost at rock bottom. Honestly, I had to hold on to my seat(literally) at times to keep me from running outside and just giving up everything. I wanted to be the WAW so bad. I dreamed of a life by myself, of not having to deal with this stupid MLC/EA stuff.
Thats where the GAL ing and detachment is helpful.
Take care and hang in there!
Wow Angel. Do you feel that things are coming full circle now? I sure do admire your strength. Thank you for continuing to share here.
Full circle? Not really. I dont think we have come back to where we were before, and maybe we never will.
Today (happens every now and then) I'm somewhat in a funk. I think 2 years of living on the edge was really quite an adrenaline ride, especially emotionally, and right now I feel a little devoid of emotions.
Last Monday, I went to work in southern CA, and my H had to do a course in San Diego. So on Tuesday evening, I drove down from my office and met up with him. We had some alone time in the hotel, which was great, but one thing I notice is that my desire to ML lately has not been as much as when we were having problems! Has anyone experienced this too?
Anyway, being in SD also reminded me of bad times, especially since OW stayed there for a year. Everywhere we went, I would always think .... did he take her here? Does this place hold memories for them? Same when we were in Chicago. So many unanswered questions. Yet I dare not bring it up yet with H. I have this instinctive sense that the wounds are still too raw, and that bringing it up would only hurt us.
Sigh. I guess life will never be the same. Once in a while I still get that feeling of wishing that I just quit, walked away....but again, I know that would have been the selfish thing to do.
I just look at D and see how happy she has become again and I am thankful we fought for the M. Both H and I...it took an awful lot of willpower not to walk away, come to think of it.
See...thats why its great to post. I can go back and work now after giving my sitch some thought and coming back to thankfulness and not b..ching about my own feelings, or lack of them.
Sometimes that's when things change actually.
When you give up thats when they come round and realize what they're losing.
Its OK to be tired of fighting....just don't get tired of living for yourself!!!
HI Angel - I found this quote you wrote and really have been holding on to it for about a month now. Especially that's it's ''ok" to be tired of fighting.
I have stopped fighting and now I can see clearer, but what I see is that there is no M, or R here anymore. My H is so changed and adamant to stay this way that I see very clearly now.
I read here that sometimes you wonder if you should have quit, you have a young D, I get your concerns, only time will tell for the two of you, if it's good you stay (you & D).
Me, I don't have young children, I have given myself permission not to fight anymore. Your great words of hope that they see what their lossing will not happen for me, and that's ok because I see clearly now that I stopped fighting.
My best to you! dm
Updating....
Things continue to be good....slowly, the events of BD, the pain and all the bad memories seem to be receding, and are taking on the quality of a bad dream from which I have worken up already.
I was looking through my old emails today and saw some that I had written to a friend at the height of all my problems, and surprisingly did not feel bad anymore.
The other day, H and I were talking about an upcoming work trip he has to the xOW's country, which will be happening during spring break, dashing our vacation plans. I was understandably distressed, and so was H. He suddenly asked me if the fact that it was exOW's country was still an issue with me, and I said no...its because our vacation is being cancelled (duh!!!!) and he seemed to be very much relieved. I am glad that he is able to ask me those things, it is very helpful in clearng the air.
Good news too is that exOW quit consulting with H's company, as she is joining her H's business which is in another city. Somehow, for me it just means that the chapter is fully closed, there will be no longer any reminders of what happened...
Hi everyone! Just visiting the site to see whats happening, in most of the forums they are all new names except for those here in piecing.
Its now been 1.5 years since we started piecing. So far, its going forward, but its slow, and not exactly how I envisioned it to be......
I used to imagine that once we pieced, we would have this great awakening, and that my H would come back to me, baring his soul and likewise, so would I. We would have the freedom to talk about everything and anything.
Couldn't be farther from what I imagined. I realized that personalities really don't change even after all that happened. My quiet, reserved spouse is back. I guess the person who I saw during the crisis who was more vocal and emotional was actually not the real "H". But I guess I prefer this version, and I have learned to be more in tune with what his actions really mean and trying to communicate with him also through the same means.
However, I sometimes feel that I worked too much to change myself, to make myself a better person, and find myself feeling pressured. I know though that if I give in to my natural self (which I do at times) then my argumentative, controlling side will surface....and of course, we all know how that could make everything come tumbling down. Darn!
One thing I also notice is that lately, I have been plagued by thoughts from the past, even to the extent of having a bad dream here and there. Mostly, I remember the "sweet nothings" I read on my H's texts to OW, and feel frustrated that I don't get that kind of verbal or written words frm him. Sometimes, I feel like telling him about it, or even being snide about it (saying something like yeah, I guess my SMS and phone calls are NOT the highlight of your day" after being told that I called at the wrong time AGAIN)....but thankfully am able to stop myself before I damage our R.
Otherwise, there has not been any contact with OW at all, H is very caring about the family, when he is away he calls 2 to 3x a day. He does have a tendency to feel like I am still doubt him (I guess sometimes I do) or his ability to make decisions, and has reassured me that he is doing everything for our M, and that not even work takes precedence over our M.