I don't normally share much from my wife.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Not the private stuff; seven years ago I knew something was wrong, was too stupid to see my part in it, was too blind on purpose to see what was happening or about too.

That was seven years ago.

This was yesterday in an email. When I said I was proud of us fighting for each each other.

“Fought” seems so negative in my head.. not something I would feel proud of.. like there would have to be a loser somewhere. Couldn’t really figure out why that word has felt wrong to me until now.

I like to think we “rebuilt us”.. together.. to be stronger.. better foundation for us both to build more and more of “us” on. That I am definitely proud and grateful for. And when we go to dinner or the b&b or do things together we’re looking over the foundation together and caringly making sure it’s in good shape.. maybe adding on.

I will ALWAYS be piecing.

How about you?

[Denver_2010]

Not the private stuff; seven years ago I knew something was wrong, was too stupid to see my part in it, was too blind on purpose to see what was happening or about too.

That was seven years ago.

This was yesterday in an email. When I said I was proud of us fighting for each each other.

That is truly inspiring Jack. I hope that I get a similar email from my W seven years from now.

Thank you for sharing.

Denver
“Fought” seems so negative in my head.. not something I would feel proud of.. like there would have to be a loser somewhere. Couldn’t really figure out why that word has felt wrong to me until now.

I like to think we “rebuilt us”.. together.. to be stronger.. better foundation for us both to build more and more of “us” on. That I am definitely proud and grateful for. And when we go to dinner or the b&b or do things together we’re looking over the foundation together and caringly making sure it’s in good shape.. maybe adding on.

I will ALWAYS be piecing.

How about you?

[Denver_2010]

That is truly inspiring Jack. I hope that I get a similar email from my W seven years from now.

Thank you for sharing.

Denver

[bustingout]

that is inspiring j3b. thank you for sharing. i guess we can never say we have finished growing and learning.

((( )))

[Ctflor]

Thanks for sharing this.

We have been in piecing for almost a year now, and I think we will always be in piecing mode. Sometimes I see my H doing more for our marriage than what I do, so I need to remind myself to put in energy as well. This will be an on-going process, and rebuilding trust is still challenging.

[goldeylox]

Glad you shared it, j3b.
Goldey

[GH31]

I will ALWAYS be piecing.

How about you?

Yes Jack, I will always be piecing to. Until I take my last breath.

[Soul.Searching]

Okay I have to ask, this just sounds exhausting. This is for all of you, piecing.
Are your relationships still as happy as before BD?
Have you regained trust for your spouses? Do you ever think it would just be easier, to start again, with someone new?

[GH31]

Okay I have to ask, this just sounds exhausting. This is for all of you, piecing.

It is exhausting in the beginning and takes everything you've got.

Are your relationships still as happy as before BD?

Well, if our relationships were happy before then they wouldn't have disintegrated.

There are probably better questions than this one.

When you "piece" you're not trying to restore what you had before. It's impossible because what you had before was destroyed. Piecing is beginning again, on a new foundation.

The idea is to build a marriage which is even closer, happier and more loving than it ever was before.

Have you regained trust for your spouses?

Yes and no. Trust is something that is freely given in the beginning but once it's broken it can only ever be earned back. I am less trusting of anyone now including both my wife and myself. We will all cheat, lie and do despicable things under the right conditions. The key to keeping your marital house clean is to avoid the situations that would trigger such behaviour in the first place. I do trust my wife. The urge to constantly watch her, check up on her and second guess her every word has disappeared and there's a very good reason for that. She has, over the past several years, shown her self to be trustworthy again.

Do you ever think it would just be easier, to start again, with someone new?

Yes. I thought this for several years. But I couldn't let my wife go - it did not feel intuitively right. It will be hard whichever path you take.

And if and when you marry again, you will have problems in your new marriage to overcome. It is often (not always) better for both of you in marriage to learn how to get through your own difficulties together. The more you do it, the better you get at it together.

Second marriages have a higher divorce rate than first ones and it's no accident. The two of you would likely have a whole lot more baggage and "issues" that you'd be bringing into the equation.

Hang in there Soul.Searching. The best wisdom you're going to get here is from other ladies who've been through what you're experiencing and who have come out the other side.

[MynameisMZ]

Hi,

Just checking in after several months of being away. Still piecing and still loving and still making it!

In our circle of friends we have 3 couples who we never thought would break up. All seemed like soulmates. Of all the difficulties combined, we have over-come the worst of the worst and yet we stand and they are over.

I think the whole philosophy of DB really helped. Even our therapist said she was glad I convince her to hang in there with me/us. She would have taken us apart and sold off our parts.

Yesterday as H was leaving we both acknowledged that we have something deep and pretty special.

Goodnight! Love you all! Hang in there.

MZ