Here is my link from when I started here.
[url=http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2178348&page=1][/url]
Have not posted in awhile things have been pretty quiet on the home front since husband has been gone hunting. They night before he left I asked if I could lay down next to him in his bed he said sure. He wrapped his arm around me and gave me a few kisses. Then he asked if I minded if he read. He was reading when I came in. Said that I did not mind he held me has he continued to read. I stayed there for awhile before I excused myself and went to my room. I then came back in and asked if we could talk. Started out talking about his therapy session that day not any big revelations. He said that he had another session on 9-30 and then after that his counselor wanted to meet with both of us. Asked him if I had cooties since he is not able to sleep in the same room with me, he said no that it is going to talk time and small steps for us to get our marriage back to where it used to be. Told him that I realize that and for me I am ok for now with him sleeping in the other room but I just needed to know what his thinking was on it. Then I did a no no. I told him that it hurt to know that if he was with OW they would be sleeping together. That made him uncomfortable and he told me so. Guess I struck a nerve. Changed subject fast! Continued talking about small things then I told him that me coming in and bugging him was his fault for being so good looking he laughed, he then commented on me being so skinny.
Next morning woke up at 4:30 to be up when he left on his trip. His friend Brad picked him up. I few minutes I started to receive texts from him. Texted back and forth for about 30 minutes before I ended it since I wanted to go to sleep. He called when they were in a small town that has cell coverage before they head up to their campground. He said that he loved me with out me saying first. (But what does that mean since I still remember the I love you, I care about you but I am not in love with you.) How do you know when that phase is gone and I love you really means I love you??? Husband called last night talked for a few minutes, he also said I love you again. Said that he would call on Thursday.
Find myself back posting today. Have been around looking at posts and trying to figure things out. Things have been going well since my husband has moved back in. He has said that he is committed to out marriage and that is why he moved back in. He started staying back into our bedroom on 9-25. Since then we have been intimate more times these last few weeks then we had for the past 2 years. We have been hiking and booking some vacations together. He has been talking about our future. It seems like I have been more reserved then he has. Then today I did something that I should not have done for my own good. He is at a meeting in Las Vegas for work and I have been dreading this for awhile not trusting him to be there while I knew that she is closer to that location and it is just a drive for here. So what to I do I look at her facebook and imagine that she got to Vegas that same day as my husband. Now my head is spinning. Of course the first thing I do is call husband let him that I know she is in Vegas and what a coincidence this is. I tell him that I do not trust that he is not with her. He tells me that he did not know that she is there and that is not why he is there. He says again that he is committed to our marriage and has it not shown that he is. Says that he loves me and that he is proud of me and he has been really happy. He feels closer to me then he has in a long time. Says that I can fly there if that will make me feel better and that I can go with him on his meetings out of town until a feel better if that is what I need to do. I do not want to be the untrusting jealous wife, I want a marriage that I can trust my husband and want my husband to feel that too. So how do I deal with these feelings?
I wish everybody here the best. Always remember that you are your best friend. Stay true to yourself and take care.
Hi alone! I looked for your thread and it does look like we are ging through the same thing. It is so hard to let go of OW, right? But it's true, it will just sabotage the relationship.
Funny, my H is a hunter too, just like your H.
There's a lot of similarities in our situations, just feel free to look into my thread for advice that may apply to you too! I tend to be very verbose and detailed about what I am going through....
Always helpful to give a mini re-cap of a sitch or a "thumbnail sketch" as it make sit easier to know what is happening.
Is you H committed to making your M work now?
I have not updated what has been happening with me in quite awhile. Things have been going quite well. My husband is very committed to our marriage. Unfortunately it is me that seems to be having more difficulty in moving forward and forgetting all the hurtful things that he said to me. But we are moving forward. In matter of fact things have been very good and that is when I look for something. It is like that I am now going through what he was before.
I find it hard to not trust my husband like I did before all of this. I do not like this feeling. I want to be the way I was before but I do not think that our marriage will ever be the same.
Don't get me wrong I love my husband and things are going very well. He has been very committed and being intimate has been the best it has in over 2 years. I have changed and the hurt that I felt has marked me. I hope that in time the hours of tears and pain that I felt will subside.
For now I try to take each day as it comes. Knowing that I do love my husband and that each day shall make our relationship stronger.
I hope that the New Year brings self awareness to each of you and that you find true happiness in your life.
Just writing some of the things that I have been feeling. Having a hard time about the person that I have become. Gone are the days that I do not question my relationship with my husband. I wish that I did not have these feelings. He has been really great since he has moved back home, but after 30 years of marriage and thinking of him as my best friend and always trusting him. I do not trust him, I still feel like I can not confide to him. I have never felt this way about my husband and hope that time will heal my wounds. Just feel that the person that I have become is not what I want. I love my husband and do want to stay married but how do I deal with the jealousy and not trusting of him that I feel now. I want to say that I know that he will be there for me in the future, but I can't. The hurt that I felt in him leaving me and having an affair leaves me wondering. I'm I the only person that I can trust. I want I relationship that I feel confident in, I want what I had before of all this. Going through this will my relationship with my husband come out stronger??? Or will I always feel that I can only count on myself.
Just another thought he says that he loves me and is not confused any more and he know what he wants. He wants to be here. It is hard because all I want is to know that he will not walk out on me again but I can not be sure of anything anymore. I just wish that I could be the person I was before.
Just jotting down my feelings at this time. I am feeling a lot of insecurities at this time. I feel that they are all on my part. It is just so close to the time that my husband left. Mothers day night is when it all happened. I do not want to celebrate it all I want to do is run away. Far away. I just remember what I thought was a normal day and then 29 years of marriage poof gone. I just want strength to do the right thing and not let my defenses kick in trying to protect myself. From what I do not know my husband has been great. I am the one that keeps looking for things. I do not want to be caught of guard again. I do not know when you can say you have reconciled when one person (me) is afraid and can not fully trust. I hope that one day I will be able to but for now I keep looking over my shoulder to make sure nothing is creeping up on me that I do not suspect.
One day I hope that all of this is behind me and feel like I did before.
Have you and your H ever gone to a MC after everything happened?
What you're going through is called a "trigger". It's similar to post traumatic stress disorder that soldiers go through. Certain things will set you off and send your emotions out of wack. It could be a date, a song, a restaurant, etc.
Your H needs to continually make you feel safe. If you still aren't feeling it, then I would suggest you both go to MC so that the both of you learn what it takes to make each other feel safe and trusting.
It has been a little over over a year since we have been piecing our marriage back together. It has been an great improvement from the last couple of years that we had together. But there has been set backs and things that I am not sure of anymore. I used to think that we would be together until we died. Now I can not say that I hope that one day that I can. I belief that my husband really wants this marriage to last. He is always showing me how much that he cares about me and that he wants me to be happy. It is me. I need to be able to except all that great things that are going on in our marriage, but I keep thinking about the bad times and how I can trust that he really wants this marriage. Every thing he does and says is that he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with. I just can't see this anymore. I do love him and hope that we can make this marriage last a lifetime. I guess the hurt that I have been through has made me question everything in my marriage.
I hope that other people that are working on piecing their marriage back together, knows that it is not an easy thing even when both of you are committed. It takes time to gain the trust again. Just keep moving forward in your life for yourself and your family.
I hope that I am able to forgive totally and move on. I want to be back to where I believed that we are going to be together forever.
Thanks for the update! Sorry you're still struggling, but it's understandable. We work so hard to get our spouses back that we don't really address the underlying issues of whether or not we can trust them until after they've returned, then suddenly all the questions come bubbling to the surface. Are you in MC? If not, that might be a good idea. You probably won't be able to resolve your trust and forgiveness issues on your own. You might also check into Retrovaille, from what I've read it does wonders for communication and a lack of trust can be a direct result of a lack of good communication. Good luck!
It is great that he is telling you that he loves you. I understand your frustration with the sitch your in. Once the trust is broken it is hard to see things the way you saw them before. His comments are a great tell that things are better. My W used to tell me she loved me all the time and I had trouble with it, but after her infidelity, she still can't bring herself to say it to me. She still just says 'I know' when I say it.
Trust is hard, but remember that if you are doing everything that you can do and he still betrays you, then the guilt is on him and it will all come out in the end. Breath and keep your virtues in mind.
I'm also a big fan of Retro. It is faith-based, but you do not need to be Catholic. The process has helped many couples find their way back. Perhaps some IC for you if you have not previously looked into it.