Am I Piecing? - DivorceBusting.com

Hi everyone. Thought I'd check in with you all over here to see what you thought of my sitch. Here' the link to my last thread in newcomers:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2138681&page=1

W has moved back home, but I am wondering if I am actually piecing or not. Here's what's happened in the past week since she moved back:

- No R/M talk between W and I.

- W continues to be distant and cold on occasion, but has been nice for the most part. Quite a few short, one-word answers from her, but we have had some good, fun talks. Like other sitches I have read, W has not gone through the awakening that the LBS has when they come back. How did those that have been there deal with this?

- W and kids have been sick for the last few days, which has made it somewhat difficult to read her...hard to tell when she's being distant/cold if it's because she feels like crap or if she's possibly upset about something else. I've been busting my butt to take care of the kids and the housework. I think I've been doing a good job...and I don't think I have done anything she would see as "negative".

- W is working on getting signed up to go back to school to work on her associates degree. Definitely a good thing.

- No physical contact at all. She was never big on this to start with, so this is not surprising. We are sharing the bed. D5 has been pretty clingy lately so one of us has had to go sleep with her for a couple of the nights.

- We discussed D5's Kindergarten here next fall...whether we want her in full day or 1/2 day. We also just signed D5 up for a soccer league.

- I made a really nice dinner for everyone Saturday night. Candles and all. D5 kept saying that our house was a fancy restaurant. For this, and most other times when I do something for her, W has thanked me, either directly, or indirectly by telling the kids to thank me.

- I took the kids out for a few hours yesterday to go clothes shopping. The kids and I put on a fashion show for W when we got home.

- A close friend that I have leaned on pretty heavily through this told me the other day asked me how things were going. I said overall good, and that she's been going back and forth between warm and cold, which I expected. I also told him that no matter how she acts she has taken a huge step just by coming back. He then told me that he was very surprised W came back, especially this soon. His comment threw me for a bit of a loop...made me start thinking about what made her decide to come back and if she came back too soon...I honestly don't think I know what the answers are.

- Our anniversary is 4 weeks away. I have no idea what to do. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

- W brought up our mutual friends' wedding in New Orleans in May, and what I want to do for it. I told her that she should definitely plan on going and that I will be taking the time off from work. Whether or not I go with her will depend on where we're at in a month from now.

All in all, I am extremely happy that they are home, but am feeling pretty insecure with where things stand today. It is hard to fight off the feeling that she is putting on a happy face but inside is still very angry with me. But, as she used to tell me before she left, "the fact that I'm here means I'm working on it". She still wants space, which I think means "be nice to me and don't bring up R/M stuff". I know I HAVE to stay patient.

What changes have been made (on BOTH your parts) to improve the M? Her comment about only staying for the kids is a bad sign. It gives her an escape route to ditch at the first sign of trouble and lays the blame on you.

A comment like that is making her seem like a martyr. Of course she was the first one to leave in the first place.

The "coming back for the kids" comment was made in an e-mail in which she later said things really need to change, so I'm not sure exactly what she meant.

That's exactly why I'm asking...I feel that while she came back, I don't think that we're both actively working on making the marriage better...although if you asked her she would probably say that she is.

Are you seeing an IC? Both you and your W need some kind of counselor to set you on the right path. If not, you both will be going off on different directions.

I am seeing an IC...she is currently not. She saw someone before she left, but hasn't gone since. I'm hoping that her seeing me going will help her decide to go again.

Go for yourself. Start changing your life for the better so that maybe it'll get her interested in going. But most importantly, do it to get YOU healthy and happy.

Just fyi that even if only one person in a M goes to IC and starts making changes, it can turn a M around. I'm sure a lot of folks would disagree, but that was my experience, anyways.

W told me yesterday that she's going to go back to IC.

This is a good start. Navy. i saw on another thread that you are thinking about MC as well. your gut was right to let her come to your on this. Heck, her IC might even suggest it.
It's important to let her come to this on her own. As things progress there might be ways for you to bring it up, but not now.

I hope she dos get a good IC.

If anyone is around that could check out my latest post in Newcomers, I'd greatly appreciate it. I feel like I'm in limbo between Newcomers and Piecing right now.

There really isn't a between.

Either you are piecing or you aren't.

navy,

I understand your position. I am more or less in the same boat. Although in my case my H never left the house, we were very unstable starting after the bomb, and many times, we spoke about separating, but it never happened. However, lately we had a crisis with our daughter, who started cutting.

Since then H seems to have had a turn around, and has started acting more warm than cold to me, we have been speaking, but really, not much R talk. This is very hard for me, but at this point, I would rather go wth his actions and assume that he is staying or at least assessing the possibiity of staying.

The closest he has gotten to R talk was for him to tell me not to rock the boat now that we are communicating again, and that things are better between us.

I assume from this statement that he wants to work for a better R at least, even if just for the time being. And i am OK with that, anyways there are no guarantees in life.

I still do post in MLC because of two things: 1 is that it may just be an assumption on my part, 2- it is part of the MLC journey, I guess.

But, that said, I find that reading about piecing helps me understand why in spite of the imporved atmosphere, I still feelso frustrated, and also I can see how thoughts of the OW keep on trying to destroy our equilibrium. It even happens to those who have been truly piecig, what more of me, who is not really there yet?

I guess I could use the positive advice I see around here.

Its hard when you see your spouse everyday, I tell you!