Posted By: Jack_Three_Beans Basic Question - 03/23/11 05:36 PM
If you're in Piecing that means (hopefully) that some of the rules for DBing have changed.

"I love you," for example, you get to say...maybe not 1,000 times a day, but you get to say it.

Realtionship talks - you should be having them, and again like a sugar filled treat...not every day. Or at least getting to the point of being able to have them.

Your shedding the DB tactics that have so far protected you, or modifying them, because to continue...usually is counter productive to piecing.


Are you still setting small obtainable goals?

It is the 2nd step of DR. And still a very valuable tool for you.
Posted By: Harrier Re: Basic Question - 03/23/11 06:42 PM
I thought about this...and at first glance. I thought I wasn't. but then i thought some more, I am I just don't call them goals. But this is a great reminder.

Honestly, I didn't get a chance to DB that long before things started to change for me.

It's a strange place to be that's for sure. All the things, I worried about haven't come to pass.

Of course I have BIG goal in April that's looming...yikes.
Posted By: MynameisMZ Re: Basic Question - 03/23/11 07:13 PM
Hi...sigh...I was over in MLC and now that we are solidly piecing, I'll start a new thread here pretty soon. I just want to get familiar with this section.

In a nutshell......
H and I are committed to our M.
We say ILY a lot...whenever we want.
We LIKE our R talks, but don't do them every day.
H wants to renew our vows. I think that is a ways off.
I'M the one who isn't ready.
H is quite relieved to be out of the craziness of the A.
H has to deal with that himself.
That's his work.

I do have classic PTSD symptoms and am working on healing.
It's not full-blown like it was, but I still have symptoms.
That is my work.

Posted By: FindingMyVoice Re: Basic Question - 03/23/11 09:03 PM
Harrier - I'm curious! what's the BIG goal in April!? And Hi MZ! Wow - nice to see you back in piecing - congrats! Really glad to hear you're working on your own experience of trauma from the A. You deserve that.

As far as obtainable goals go, I think they should be a part of everyday marriage. When I saw the name of the thread 'patience' - that really resonated with me because it, in itself was enough of a goal when things were worst...

Every time I initiated a change, or asked for a change in the M, it required a lot of patience. Lots of times the change would start of good, then falter a number of times before I could really feel like it was becoming a part of our day-to-day life.

And, particularly if it was a change I needed to ask him for, lots of times I couldn't even be sure he took the request to heart because the response to it was often silence. However I'd just put the request out there, and wait. Soon enough, there would be the change I'd been hoping for.

Even now, my goal would be patience and compassion with myself as I continue to learning (and making mistakes) to be more open with him.
Posted By: FindingMyVoice Re: Basic Question - 03/23/11 09:07 PM
PS - that threat 'Patience' is in newcomers.
Posted By: Harrier Re: Basic Question - 03/24/11 02:41 PM
I was kinda having fun. It's not M or R related, but I am running the Boston Marathon in April. I hope to run a personal best.
Posted By: Jack_Three_Beans Re: Basic Question - 03/24/11 03:49 PM
While I think personal goals are great and kept a person honest. I meant relationship goals, even little ones.

And that is awesome Harrier.
Posted By: Still learning Re: Basic Question - 03/24/11 04:02 PM
Harrier - that's great! Talk about dscipline. You're way ahead of me.
Posted By: Harrier Re: Basic Question - 03/24/11 04:57 PM
Originally Posted By: Still learning
Harrier - that's great! Talk about dscipline. You're way ahead of me.

SL, I will say having goals about your R is good. last night, as spurred by this post, I was trying to think of some R goals.

I will say it totally different when your partner is completely on board. I think I am on my way to having a great/better marriage.

the key for me is also not setting unrealistic goals...like never fighting
Posted By: Jack_Three_Beans Re: Basic Question - 03/24/11 05:22 PM


fight less.

get her to laugh at the end of a fight.

more make up sex. : )
Wouldn't THAT be awesome? Hell I'd get home and be like: Hey where's my pot pie!?! Every night.

You're right unrealistic goals, hurt you.
Posted By: Concerned_Listener Re: Basic Question - 03/24/11 06:58 PM
Do the goals have to be discussed as part of a R discussion, or can one person attempt to influence the R by him or herself, and set a private R goal?

Posted By: Jack_Three_Beans Re: Basic Question - 03/24/11 07:04 PM
Private goals. : )
Posted By: Harrier Re: Basic Question - 03/24/11 07:47 PM
I do think there is a place for shared goals as well. Our are usually guided by our MC. One was to try to spend some "low-stress," "no expectations" time together. Basically just hanging out unplanned. The other was to carve out a specific time to connect.

We also kinda talked about doing more fun stuff as a family. We try to plan something most weekends.
Posted By: Harrier Re: Basic Question - 03/24/11 07:47 PM
Apparently one of my goals isn't to try to improve my typing.
Posted By: Still learning Re: Basic Question - 03/24/11 08:45 PM
Harrier, you got your W completely on board AND you're training for the BM. Show off. wink

I know how much work it would be to do both those things - seriously, where'd you get the mental toughness H?????

My goal is to get my head right. And be at peace. And have some fun. I'll know I'm there when I can make my wife smile and relax - to sit close to me on the sofa while we watch a show and put her arm around me when we go to bed.
Posted By: AliSuddenly Re: Basic Question - 03/25/11 12:15 PM
Hey Jack.. I'm not so sure... all this kind of keeps 'that' period alive and current, whereas, if you have succesfully pieced, maybe its time to relegate all this to the past? Be able to be yourself once again (with all that you have learnt).. not be second guessing or secretly setting goals etc.

In fact, H and I's relationship now bears little resemblance to the one we had before.. quite honestly the one we have now is more loving.. we never fight, I kind of see that as a symtom of lack of communication and since getting back together, one thing that is very different is we are mindful of the need to communicate. And by that I mean.. he is now trying hard to be more open and honest (rather than bottle things up and then bring them up a year and a half later!) and I work hard to always listen and by that I mean actively listen and take on board what he has said and make him feel heard.

I DB'd my *rse off for 18 months.. and yes, even when we got back together I was still Dbing looking back, being positive, GAL, laughing more, keeping up changes etc... 2 years on, I feel more relaxed and like that period is done. But then maybe thats because we did succesfully piece/marry and that helps me to feel relaxed and secure in the new R?

Nice to still see you here! I remember you were one of the guys that was a big help to me back in the dark days.
Posted By: Jack_Three_Beans Re: Basic Question - 03/25/11 06:02 PM
I remember you Ali and I am glad that you are doing so very well. : )

I guess I can see why this might be seen as...manipulative.

So I'll use an example from my own life in piecing.

My wife, simply put is a work-a-holic.

My long range goal has been to get her home earlier and be around our boys more at night. A side part of that is to focus on the boys and not spend the first hour she is home talking about work.

Intead of 8-8:30 she has been coming home at 6:30-7. I have adjusted dinner to be ready by 7:30. I thank her when she does this.

When she talks about work, I do listen, when it starts going long, I ask her if she can tell me more when the boys are in bed because our youngest still needs to do his reading excercises. If she is almost done, she'll tell me and She finishes, if she has a lot more, she'll wait until our boys are in bed.

That's the subtle part....manipulative I suppose.

We have also talked directly about this desire and want for our family, and she is on board, just needs the reminders at times, those are her words.

When she does work late, I know it is because there is a deadline, and I don't get upset or passive aggresive. She calls more often than not and asks if I am ok with it. If it is going to really be late, I sometimes bring her dinner and the boys and we walk around the Zoo after everyone else has gone. Which BTW is beyond cool.

I see setting realtionship goals, as an forgotten tool in the tool box, and one that can be very helpful.

Like the other tools, it gets modified a bit when piecing. In so much that you aren't doing it without your spouses knowledge. Sometimes you are, but maybe the better word is...your using it with their understand, consent or approval.
Posted By: Concerned_Listener Re: Basic Question - 03/26/11 02:37 PM
Manipulation for the greater good. It's not inherently evil, because our intentions are good. This makes sense. Not everything can be accomplished via a R talk. In my case I've been wanting my W to attend group dance lessons with me, and to attend ballroom dance events instead of solely Salsa. Even after months of attending our studio, her group attendance was sporadic, and getting her to go out ballroom dancing was difficult. After several failed attempts at large ballroom events, I volunteered to organize a group outing to the next event (last week). It worked, as my W had a great time, because there was a social aspect to it. I also wanted my W to have more focus in our lessons and prepare for and participate in a dance competition (January). she brings the spirit into our partnership, but I bring the focus and aspiration to compete. We attended (not perfect), and now she is looking for a hot Latin dress for her next event or competition. We limit ourselves to two dances to work on, so that we can become competition ready, with no strict deadlines.

In discussions with her prior to these events, her interest was at best ambivalent. R discussions were not going to move us forward, but provided me with information on what potential I had to work with my goals. I knew what my needs were in the partnership, and manipulated (persistent influence) by words and strategy to move her in the direction I imagined could happen.

Posted By: MynameisMZ Re: Basic Question - 03/28/11 11:52 AM
Hi Al....and JTB,

Al, I think I know what you are saying about being in piecing and feeling successful, but still having tough days with flashbacks. And the H asks, "Why are you dwelling on the past?" It seems to be so over for him and really just beginning for me. I'm just coming into the time period last year when I started to wake up and realize my M was in trouble. I'm fastening my seatbelt for the anniversary of the official confrontation and all the lies and deception that followed. I am striving to be "mindful" and ccc about it. However, I still lie awake every night and ruminate. That's really hard on me....and H who is so good about comforting me.

I'll be late for work if I don't get off this board now.

I'll be back!
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