Hi Piecers,
My thread is in the Surviving the Big D forum, but I'm hoping some of you will be willing to share how piecing started for you - especially if you were separated when it started.
Did one of you initiate or was it mutual?
And what kind of early interactions did you have - just casual dates or more serious talks?
Any information would be much appreciated!
Sincerely,
Mrs. A
Hi Mrs A, I'm sorry that I can't offer you any advice, as my H and I were not separated once we started piecing. I just wanted to check in on you and see how you're progressing? (Thx SG for bumping) Take care, FMV.
My H initiated it after a nearly 5 year separation. I hadn't totally gotten over him yet, but had pretty much written him off years before.
Early interactions were casual and getting to know each other again after so long apart. We never did get heavy into any R talks or get into everything that went down during the bomb. We've talked about stuff here and there, but I haven't (and don't) see the need for a full debriefing of everything as, for us, it had been so long ago.
It really has been like starting anew for us and progressed in seriousness like a new relationship would. We saw each other occasionally on weekends and maybe a random weeknight but it was never assumed. In the spring it progressed to him spending every weekend from Friday after work through Sunday afternoons here and was more of a standing arrangement rather than, "Hey, you wanna hang out tonight?" thing. At the end of Sept. he moved back in.
I'm very glad we've been taking things slow. After the loss of trust, it wouldn't be genuine to pick up where we left off and expect things to go well. We have literally been building a new M--though we're legally divorced now... LOL. But we here know that "piece of paper" doesn't really ensure a M where both people are invested physically and emotionally, in a real marital relationship.
I was separated as well, had been for three months, had been NC for about six weeks too, just minimal contact, I wasnt expecting to see H until a further two weeks away as he was supposed to be cat sitting whilst I went away for the weekend..
Suddenly out of the blue he said he was coming up to visit and I honestly thought he was coming up to tell me about the OW, well there wasnt one of the traditional sort anyway.. We had a fabulous weekend and it was the beginning of a very long road back to rebuilding our relationship.. It took nearly an additional four months till he came home and we are still building our M together almost a year later!
It started off with lots of talks and H being really interested in this new W transformed by 180's and detachment!
My H and I were separated for about 6 weeks. He had filed D and said he didn't love me anymore, etc. He had an EA that started right before moving out, but it lasted only a month. She wanted more, but he didn't. I did the usual begging, pleading, cying the first month and it was only making things worse. I finally stopped texting, emails, etc. and within a week he started texting me more, making excuses to come by the house, etc. He finally sent me a text and asked if he could come over so we could talk. He said he missed me and us doing things together.
He came over and we had a good talk, ML and he moved home the next day. Although he was only gone 6 weeks it was the longest 6 weeks of my life.
Unfortunately as I write this things are shaky at best. I am wondering if we rushed back into things to quick. My H is now thinking he might want a divorce again. Says he has no passion for me again. I guess time will tell what ends up happening.
I would say piecing starts when the WAS decides they want to work on marriage.
I think too often we tend to rush right back into getting back together without individually and collectively working on what caused the marriage to suffer in the first place. An honest inventory needs to be taken of what has been good and bad in the marriage and then sincere and honest effort to improve those areas that need attention. It is way to easy to just jump back into the same "old" marriage which obviously wasn't working for at least one of the partners in the first place.
BA