I am here. Havent been posting much. Life has been too intense lately. Watching my dad drifting away daily has been really really difficult for me. So many things cross my mind, emotions come and go, acceptance, anger, loneliness, love, tenderness...
A big, tall, man has turned to an old little "kid". I can feel his feelings. I know when he is sacred, tired, grateful, upset. I kept my distances the last few weeks but the last days, it is so obvious he is leaving us, I couldnt do that anymore. I touch him and caress him, telling him I love him, not to be scared etc etc. There is one phrase I want to tell him, that he was the best dad I could have wished for, but I am afraid it will sound too much like a good bye and dont want to make him feel even worse.
My H has been home. The first weekdays since...2005 he has been with us in teh afternoons. He cooks, shops, does homework with the kids and continues to deny the facts. The fact that my dad is dying, the fact that we cant do anything, the fact that our relationship is changed forever. He suggests things, tries to support me.
Through this phase, somedays I want him close to me and others... I just want him out of my life.
I compare us to my parents, their 46 year long marriage, all what they have accomplished, the stability me and my brother had while we were growing up, the family we always felt was so strong... I get mad at him.
I wont say we are doing great although I could granted that we have no fights, H has been tender, he plans fo rthe future constantly, asks for my kisses etc etc. I believe 95% of the persons in piecing would. But I am not normal I am afraid.
K
Ohh, and I had gained 2 kilos. Back to +1 kilo now but my eating habbits have been crazy lately.
((Kalni)), I'm so sorry. I understand the kind of strain that places on a person. You have my prayers.
((((((((Kalni))))))))
I am so sorry about your father. I can feel what you are saying, how you are feeling from here, and it literally brings tears to my eyes.
I know you don't want to say it too soon, but please, make sure you tell him that he was the best dad you could have wished for. It will mean so, so much to him. He should get to hear it.
I really does sound like I is really doing well. I understand that with everything that is going on there are going to be times when it just doesn't feel like enough, but I hope, and believe, that those times will become less intense, and farther apart. He is finally putting his actions in line with his words. He loves you, Maria.
Sending my biggest hugs all the way to Greece for you, dear lady.
You have big expectations for your R and your H. Maybe if you lowered them for a bit your H would be fulfilling them more and you would feel his support and comfort during this difficult time.
Say what you need to say to your Dad while he can appreciate it and you can talk. You won't regret it. There is a lot of love there.
I hope you can find some peace and that you can feel that love your H is sending you now.
(((((Maria)))))
kat
Sorry you are in such turmoil over your dad. That's such a hard thing to deal with. Tell him everything while he is still there enough to hear it. Don't miss your chance.
Glad your H is being so supportive. He really does love you. It's amazing to see his actions lining up with his words now. It's been a long hard road, but you have come so amazingly far. It's not like you can just blank out the memories, but it is so great to see him building better memories now, to see him being more involved with the family, the kids, taking time to be with all of you.
(((Maria)))
Yes and considering where you were, with him, where you are now is amazing. I am glad that he IS supporting you and especially that he is home in the afternoons now at this critical time, taking the pressure of you, shopping, helping with the kids. He does love you of course, but then I always thought he did! I'm sorry you cant always 'feel' it, but if you carry on as you are, who knows what great strides you may make by next year.
The fact that he wont accept things are different about you and him, your R and about your Dad especially, is just his way of dealing with it hey. Men like to keep busy and deal with it by doing practical things, so maybe his stepping up cooking and shopping etc is his way of helping, silently. I'm sorry he's not more communoicative though.
And I'm so, so sorry about your Dad K, such a terrible sad thing on your shoulders and all your family. Its such a dreadful shame theres nothing they can do for him now. I feel priveleged to have met him xxx
Maria,
I agree with the others....tell him.....tell him everything you feel about him.
un abbraccio afetuoso.....
As a dad, I know how much it will mean to him.
You know when I said it brought tears to my eyes, lets just say it's good I wasn't at work. They didn't all stay in.
((((((Maria)))))))
So sorry you are having to watch this happen to your dad. It's such a hard thing to watch those who took care of you and raised you to be strong and vital become weak and helpless. It's such a reversal.
Please be sure to tell him everything you feel about him. Don't wait. It's best to look back and know that you laid all of your feelings out for him to reflect on. Trust me, I've spent 22 years regretting that I never got to tell my dad how much he meant to me before he died. Make sure you have no regrets. Telling him how special he IS, not how special he WAS.
Thinking of you, Special K, during this difficult time with your dad. I was there a couple of years ago & know that emotions & thoughts change on a dime right now. So tough to say what you really want to without it coming out like a farewell. Just keep doing what you're doing...honoring and loving him. Telling him that he is the best dad you could have wished for will fill his heart & mean the world to him.
<<"...somedays I want him close to me and others... I just want him out of my life."
This sounds very "normal" to me, showing his love by allowing you to be as you are right now. He's coming thru for you & showing support when you could use it the most.
What is it they say...be afraid & do it anyway.
(((Maria)))
Sunny
Thank you my friends for your thoughts and advice.
I know I am not the only one facing this and I know I am not the last one either. Death has been such a scary thing for me when I was growing up but after my MiL's death I have come to accept it in some ways. For older people of course.
My dad could die today, in a week, in a month time depending on his body. He has a pacemaker which wont let his heart stop so his other vital organs would have to quit first. I am dreading this phase but it is so close now...
H got the news that the newspaper made an offer to the other guy that quit at the same time he did, to work on a different basis and get even more money than what he used to. He got really upset because they didnt offer him anything and he felt insulted etc etc. His face changed in a minute after hearing the news. I tried to support him but he said I shouldnt "golden the pill" (our phrase). I did say what I believe and let it rest at that. I did tell him that what they offered to someone else doesnt change the fact that he maed a decision he had thought over well and that investing in jobs and bosses is an investment that rarely turns out wise. His pride was hurt. He spent 5 years there, 3 years working crazy hours and he feels they were lying to him when he was told he was great etc etc.
I "have" to support him. But I am not going to try hard this time. He is a grown up and has made decisions that were much more cruicial than this one and took risks.
Sometimes, it feels so familiar me always supporting him, this time I cant give anymore...
K
It is ok to let him be a man and support himself. You told him that you believe in him and are there, but I am sure he understands that you have enough on your plate without having to hold him too. I also agree with whomever said that he may not say it enough, but he is trying to show you how much he loves you by helping out more. Actions always speak louder than words.
I am so sorry about your dad. I completely understand what you are going through. With my dad, he got bad then worse in the course of a day so I didn't have to watch for long, but I still understand what it is like to lose a parent. I feel for you and am praying for you.
Oh K....just thinking of you and wishing I was close enough to give you a huge hug.
Who knows, maybe that guy went back to them and asked if a compromise could be reached, so they offered him that ? But I can see why his pride would be hurt. Plus work is central to your H hey (he has a 10th house Sun..meaning work/career/status is the focus for his sun ego).
I'm not surprised you cant give anymore, your Dad is so ill that takes precedence over everything and he shouldnt know that and shouldnt expect you to be superwoman.
We have that saying too.. "Dont gild the lily".
Hugs Maria, thinking of you
xxx
Hey Maria,
I get why your h feels the way he does. Rejection sucks. I pray he can process it and navigate through it well.
On your dad's front. I had my father at home during his final days.... and decided I would "grieve" him after he was gone. While he was there (now bed ridden) I layed beside him for his last 5 days, played his favorite music softly and had nice scented candles burning. Towards the end, we had a conversation (once he was aware of the impending outcome) of how much I was going to miss him and that I loved him. The rest of the time was remember when conversations.... remembering the wrinkles on his knuckles, ingraining them into my memories.... his face and so on.
I have always looked upon that as a most special time in my life. I was fortunate (I know a strange word to use here) to be holding both of my parents in my arms when they passed. What an honor that was for me. Just as they loved me into this world.... I loved them out.
I miss my daddy quite often, and i don't know if you remember but STBXH dropped the 2nd bomb (IDLY) speech only 3 weeks after my mom's passing.
I can tell through your post how much you love your daddy. Love him well though this. You will feel better for it.
Praying for you
S
(((Kalni)))
Life and death brings everything into stark contrast. Sending you warmth and strength as you say goodbye to your father.
Maria -
I have no knowlegable advice as I have yet to experience the time period of someone really close to me on their final stages of life. Sandycay's words most likely describe closest to what you are going through and how you should remember your father.
I am sure this is also awakening some grieving in your husband of his past experience with the passing of a loved one.
Take care and I hope your kids are getting through this ok and with fond memories of their grandfather.
Kerry
sandycay,flo and kerry, thanks for your posts.
Life is on waiting mode. On hold. I am afraid to leave my house for long and get panick attacks when I hear a lot of comotion downstairs. My mother has been informed directly and clearly by my brother that my dad is in last stage, she is crying, she is cool, she is scared and she is practical.
I am OK. I love my dad very much and of course it will be a great loss for me but I dont want to see him suffering. I know he has had a full life and that he was/is loved very much by us his siblings, his friends, his little pupils.
H and I had a "little" argument on Friday. We were talking about a sensitive issue and I said I cant take his avoidance anymore, we need to deal with things (it wasnt about OW). He got very...vivid and said "you shouldnt burden me this period of my life" meaning he is in a difficult period because of work going on attack mode.
He didnt see my reaction coming. I started telling him very loudly and almost to tears, that I have supported him enough year after year with whatever he was facing. This period of MY life, I need support and he should buckle up, shut up and give it to me OR, just shut up and not burden ME. I told him of all people, he should understand this but instead he is acting pretty selfish and self absorved.
He didnt say anything but came to me later and hugged me tight. Our days together are peaceful and easy. He is definitely feeling like a fish out of the water and keeps busy cooking, taking care of the kids etc. My daughter was saying how she likeds dad's cooking better and I was teasing her acting hurt and she said "mom, if I dont say this, dad my leave again...". He didnt comment but felt very uncomfortable. I discussed it with him later and he was sad about it.
K
Maria,
I really don't know what to say. I just wanted you to know that you and your father are in my thoughts. ((((((hugs)))))
Ο Θεός να είναι μαζί σου
We are praying for your Dad and all of your family.
Coach & Greek
(((((Maria))))). You are all in my thoughts and prayers.
kat
My thoughts & prayers are also with you during this difficult time, Maria.
Sunny
((((((((((Maria)))))))))))))
Prayers for you sweetie.
Our saying similar to "golden the pill" is something like "stop blowing sunshine up my a$$". Somehow golden the pill sounds so much nicer! I hope you can take that with the laughter it was meant to bring.
Hope you are feeling the hugs and prayers from all of us. You know you have our unconditional support.
Oh honey....wish I could help. I am thinking of you...
K, You are going through a rough storm. Little things will tempt you to react. H has some flaws and you have some too. Just try to hold on and stay calm. It'll pass in a few days. The best is yet to come.
Hey K.. sounds like a very difficult sad time. Telling your Mum must have been hard for your brother. I'm glad you stood up to H and told him to man up, shut up and support you for a change! Its sweet to think of him there cooking and helping with the kids, he's a proper little Mrs Doubtfire. I am sure he is enjoying that, despite being worried about work? Men always worry about work.. dont take it personally.
Shame for your daughter, I dont know how you address that with her. She is too young to be afraid to be herself or speak her mind, in case her Dad leaves again, seeing as it wasnt her fault anyway when he did!! Bless her.
Sending you hugs, xxx
That broke my heart to read what your beautiful daughter said about her dad leaving if she didn't say a certain thing. I hope you have been able to address that with her even in this difficult time.
(((((((Maria)))))))))
Praying for you and your family daily sweetie. One day at a time....
We hired a 24hr nurse as of today. My mom finally agreed which means she is really tired.
I am ok in general. We have a national day off on October 28th (when Greece said "No" to Mussolini, "No, you cant come in our country" and it was the beginning of the end for them-LOL- Hi John!) and I wish we could go away but we cant.
My kids will need time to feel safe again. I know that. I see that. My H is just now starting to realise it.
K
The nurse should lift some of the burden and help to ease all of your minds. Making your dad as comfortable as possible is the priority and the nurse is definitely trained to do that.
You Greeks sure have a lot of national holidays! Maybe it just seems like a lot. Do you know how many there are?
Hope the nurse is lifting some of the burden from your family.
Hope you have enjoyed your day off, even though you couldn't go away.
I am glad H is starting to see the impacts on the kids. The fact that they are showing those insecurities is a sign they are feeling more stable, loved, and trusting. I know you both can help them work through it.
(((Maria)))
I just wanted to come by and give you a hug.
((((((Kalni))))))
kat
Hello friends,
things are quiet on this side of the world. Well, not very quiet but at least for me not much is happening. My dad's is coming and going. One day he looks like he is dying and the next he is conversing with us etc.
H is ok. Resting and enjoying home life. We havent yet felt the financial impact of quiting his job and hopefully we wont since his morning boss offered to give him at least half of the money he lost so that he can dedicate himself to the job he has. I believe that in 3 months time, he will be making more money with half the hours he was working before. Maybe I am too optimistic but that is my gut feeling.
Between us, we are peaceful and still fragile. For me it feels as if I am on vacation with all the help I get from him being home. We watch TV together, cook together, go shopping. It's all very new and weird. He plays basket ball twice a week and cut down a LOT in smoking. The kids are ecstatic.They want him more than they want me. But I am fine with that
We had a discussion one of these days when he said that he cant help me deal with his infidelity and that I should be doing that on my own. I didnt back off. Not out of fear or anything else. I got my message through to him. I am beginning to realise I have to accept his timing which is much slower than mine. I am staying true to me. And that feels good.
Sometimes when we snuggle and fall asleep peacfully, I feel like it was all a nightmare.
That's all from Athens
Take care
K
SOrry about your father Kalni - hugs and prayers from here for your entire family!!! (())
So so so so happy that H is being much more active in the family and spending so much time with you and the kids. That is just awesome. I have my fingers crossed that his day job helps cancel out the impact of quitting the other job. But either way, I am sure you guys will be fine.
I am beginning to realise I have to accept his timing which is much slower than mine. I am staying true to me. And that feels good.
Sometimes when we snuggle and fall asleep peacefully, I feel like it was all a nightmare.
It's the little things, but that sounds like amazing progress to me. The R you guys are building seems so much more intimate, so much stronger than before (at least to my outsider's perspective). Not an easy path, nor a quick one, but worthwhile I think.
I am glad your dad is still hanging in there and seems to be "all there" some days. I hope he's not in too much pain. The nurse seems to be working out well I gather, since you aren't complaining about her/him.
(((Maria)))
Thanks for the update Kalni. Ongoing wishes for peace as your father lives his life out. The togetherness with your H sounds so positive. I believe that there is a huge opportunity for healing under these circumstances. (((Hugs)))
Thanks for the update K...Peace & quiet is well deserved!
I always believed you could do it...
Sunny
Hi K,
I'm so sorry about your Dad, it must be so hard I can only imagine..
But its good news that you are settling into a happy homelife again with H, as happy as it can be at a time like this. And thats amazing about his job!! So he was very stressed about quitting last time you posted, now that he has this raise, is he feeling better? More confident, happier in his decision? He ought to be, its a brilliant outcome so far.
This bit frankly made me cry...
We watch TV together, cook together, go shopping. It's all very new and weird. He plays basket ball twice a week and cut down a LOT in smoking. The kids are ecstatic.They want him more than they want me. But I am fine with that
...Sometimes when we snuggle and fall asleep peacfully, I feel like it was all a nightmare.
Sounds wonderful, truly a happy ending crystalising (nearly huh).
xx
Hi Kalni,
So glad to hear things are going peacefully with you and H, still check on your posts, lurking. Your strength was ver inspiring to me, and I check in everynow and then to get a little 'fix'
H has finally opened up, and seems he went on a few dates and went on holiday with one woman. He says he owes her a holiday now in our country, so i guess its still on.
BUT he is being upfront an honest . Which helped tremendously. He is at the stage where he says he has thought a million times of coming back but is terrified of feeling 'suicidal again'.
I'm feeling strangly disconnected from the H I remember, and feel a bit lighter...
I'm not sure I want R with him.Given this new information about the dating etc. Hes not sure he wants to come back. So i suppose we are at the same spot!!
Anyway, will check in as always....
Pie
Hello Specialest of K's..
*hugs* You're wonderful. My heart goes out to you and your family. *hugs*
It's beautiful to hear that you're becoming a family again, slowly, with your husband. That criteria you set are coming to fruition. And it sounds like you're allowing yourself to lean on him.
You are a dear, incredible woman and friend.
*hugs*
Hey Maria,
Thinking of you, as always. You cross my mind every day and I wonder how you are doing, and how things are going with your dad and your family. You always seem to keep it all together, but I am sure it is hard!
Sending you love from across the ocean...
(((K)))
It's so damn hard. He calls me my love and my baby and tells me all he wants is his family to live well.
He wants to die, he is so tired. I am not holding back my tears, I am holding him, caressing him, telling him how much I love him. I hate watching him suffer, it breaks my heart.
But I am coping fine. It feels good that he knows how much he means to me. He always did but now he acts like a kid.
(((((Kalni))))) I hope that you can feel my hug all the way from here. Keep sharing, keep holding, keep crying. You won't ever regret it. If you ever feel tired, know that there are many that love you, holding you up as long as you need.
kat
Hi Maria, just popping by, not around very much but wanted to send a hug and tell you I think of you often and hold you and your family in my prayers.
I was so sorry to read about your dad. I am sure he knows how loved he is.
Take care of yourself.
Maria...You're such a wonderful model of parental affection for your own children, so that in turn means your father will get what he wants; "...his family to live well."
My thoughts are with you...Sunny~
So sorry. Praying for you.
Oh Maria, how terribly sad. How wonderful you are getting to spend all this time with him though telling him you love him. As he wants his family to live well, I am sure it is a huge comfort to him also that your H is back with you, that your marriage is going strong and that your children are so happy and settled now. Thinking of you at this sad time for you and all your family,
Love and hugs Al xxx
Thinking of you and your family.
Hello Sweet K..
Parents are always too young to die.
You're the best... a note to you soon on the alt. universe.
*hugs*
Just wanted to stop by and check on you. Your family is in my thoughts and prayers.
(((((Kalni)))))
kat
((((((Kalni))))))
Because I can!
Thinking of you and your family sweetie
Just peeking in again...love ya!
Guys, thanks...
My dad is restless. He hardly recognises anymore and he makes no sense. He talks about things that happened 30 years ago. The only person he adresses correctlu is my mom. I guess she was always with him and he probably sees her as his young wife.
He often whispers he wants to die because he cant take it anymore. My eyes are dry. I never thought I would say this but I am praying for him to leave us.
M~
Oh sweetie that is so tough! Can you get him morphine... they make it in dropper formula so you can put it on the tongue if they can't swallow. It will help ease him over.
Praying for you.
Sometimes it helps people to tell them that it is okay for them to go, that you will all be fine and that you love him. My thoughts are with you all.
Love, kat
(((Maria)))
Very tough for all of you to watch your dad suffer. It's understandable to want him to have comfort and peace.
Thoughts are with you, my friend~
wishing for peace for all of you
Maria,
May God speed your father on his journey.
Most loving Maria..
Give him what he asks. Respect his desire. He knows himself best.
This is so painful. He knows he is loved beyond compare.. and you know his love and the strength of your family's.
My dad chose to stop all the medicines that kept him alive, to stop eating. And he died two days later instead of the weeks anticipated. The goodbyes were barely whispered before he passed away. Yet..
Yet... I am so thankful HE made the choice. Because it's not something my mom or us, his children, could have done without feeling like we were killing him.
Your family is love.
*hugs*
(((Maria)))
That has to be so incredibly difficult. It's okay to want his suffering to be over, and to tell him it's okay for him to go now.
I spent 5 hours with my dad last night with him fully aware of the environment. He wanted me to lay down beside him to lean on my shoulder and kept worrying about me being cold and telling me to cover up with a blanket. I looked at him and told him again he is the best dad I could wish for and his answer was "nahh I was the worst!!". He was smiling.
I got my kids in the room and he kissed and they hugged him and he told me again that he wants me to make sure my kids will live well. I told him he has nothing to worry about...
He told me to be strong and to not to be afraid of life. He was my dad again.
He urged me to go home and rest and told me "he would be ok tonight". Being with him when he is calm and present was the best thing for me.I cant explain it. I felt at peace.
I am sorry this is all I am talking about but this is my life right now. H has been there for me. He has held me numerous times when I cry and also told me he loves my dad as well and he is sad. Our relationship is on hold right now. But we are connecting. What we, as family go through, brings us together although at first I felt I was distancing myself...
Thank you for your thoughts, I am OK.
K
M~ Only people who have witnessed what you have in these precious hours can understanding the blessing. I know some people think it odd when I say it was a blessing to be part of that but it is....
Praying for your father, and your whole family.
Maria, I just wanted you to know that I am here, reading and crying along. I am so glad you have this time now. Your family will know the peace this brings, even when you are sad later. Huge hugs and prayers.
kat
(((((Maria)))))
That was beautiful. You are the best daughter he could have had, as well!
Maria
So glad you got to have that time with him clear in his mind again, back to being 'your dad'. And that you could ease his mind that you will make sure your children live well...
And I am happy to read that your H is comforting you during this time. I think you are right, sometimes a crisis can pull a family closer. Not always, but sometimes, and it sounds like it is for you.
Love you and thinking of you...
Hey Maria, I keep wanting to phone to give you my support, but then I think you are spending what time you can with your Dad and I dont want to disturb you. Thank you for posting and letting us know how you are doing. It sounds very very sad but also lovely in a way that you are getting these hours and conversations with your dad. How wonderful you got to tell him he is the best Dad ever and that you can show him your kids are ok.
I am sure H loves your Dad too and is very sad so its wonderful that he is there with you to hold and comfort you, I was especially glad to hear that.
Thinking of you and the kids and the rest of your family,
Love Al xxx
Kalni, this the real nitty gritty of life, what so many people devote their lives to avoiding. Thank you for sharing with us...it is a gift. I'm glad that you had some connected time with your father. Thinking of you and your family...
((((((Maria)))))))
Darling, beautiful friend. My prayers are with you and your family right now. It is so hard to watch them slowly slip away but the time you have with him now will be precious to you. It is truly a blessing.
My mom had a day a few days before she died that she was very clear, sat up in the bed and told me that she was happy with her life, happy with her decision to stop the fight, and was more than happy to go on to her reward. It was exactly what I needed to hear because I was starting to have doubts that she was still comfortable with her decision.
Hold him, comfort him, allow him to comfort you and accept the help your H offers. It's the best gift he can give you right now.
Hi friends,
the situation with my dad is the same. One day he looks as if he is living his last moments, next day, he looks a bit better. The fact that this is lasting more than what we initially thought gave us all time to mourn and come to terms with it. But now..., we are all getting tired. He is suffering, he is not in pain, but he is suffering.
On Sunday it was my nameday. My friends here may remember that in Greece namedays are celebrated like birthdays. H gave me a ring for the pinky finger (I once said I wanted a pinky finger ring). One with black diamonds. Very very nice. We have been a bit distant lately again but we talked a bit on Monday and we identified it's the sitch that brings us down. It affects us in various ways. I find my anger subsiding and coming back in waves. I make strange connections with what is happening, my parents' marriage and commitment with ours.
We are lacking good times. We dont go out, we dont have people over, the mood is always a bit heavy in our home. I spend a lot of time in my parents' house. It's funny, right when he got to finally have free time, we spend it waiting for my dad to die. I really want us to get away soon. I need a break.
I hope everyone is ok.
K
Maybe H's break from work cane just when you needed it so you don't have to worry about the house and kids. I am glad he has been there to help you. I can't imagine how hard it must be on you.
I think awest got it just right. Maybe your H's job sitch changed just at the right time to give you breathing room to spend this time with your dad without the added worries of taking care of the kids and home. Trust me, having Gabe with me through the ordeal of my mom's passing has been a HUGE blessing.
Ah I remember the nameday thing. Yes it's mostly about commitment in the end. I'm sure you are grateful for all the blessings you have often without your efforts.
I'm glad you got to have your nameday whilst your Dad was still here (was he aware of that?). Wow, a ring with black diamonds! Thats very special. Yes it is a shame that as things started to settle a bit and improve, with him being home more... this has happened. Although its hard on you all and sometimes you are distant, can you just sort of.. love on each other?? With what me and H are going through, our lives have also stopped for weeks, no nights out, no people over, Christmas is currently cancelled etc, but we have just taken the time to kiss and hug and be grateful that we have each other, although we may have to lose someone else.
Thank goodness he is there to help you though hey and more importnantly, that he can be there for the kids too because I am sure this is a confusing and upsetting time for them.
xx
My dad died tonight. 4:10 our time. I was laying beside him the whole time. Just me and him.
Oh Maria........
I am so sorry. I don't think there are adequate words.
But I am so very glad you were there beside him right up until the very end.
Love you...
I am so sorry for your loss. I am sure it meant the world to him to have you with him, even if he couldn't tell you so. You're an amazing woman.
am sure it meant the world to him to have you there. I am sorry for your loss but I am also sure you will find a way to keep him with you. Big hugs.
Love you, kat
Maria,
I'm sorry for your loss. Your father could not have had a more wonderful daughter. I know he appreciated having you with him.
I am so sorry for your loss. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family during this difficult time.
Kalni, all my sympathy for your loss. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Maria,
So sorry for your loss.......
Dear Maria,
I would like to extend my condolences to you. I know the pain you must be feeling. My dad passed away last March after a lengthy illness. I was very close to my dad as it was obvious through your posts that you were to your dad. Your dad's suffering has now ended. You will always have the memories of the time you spent with your dad especially when he needed you the most. Take all the time you need to grieve your loss.
(((((HUGS)))))
Maria,
I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm sure you were a comfort to your dad during his last days and hours. The love you showed him by being there with him most likely calmed his soul. You shared your beautiful spirit with him so he could go on to peace.
Bless you and your family.
My dad died tonight. 4:10 our time. I was laying beside him the whole time. Just me and him.
Sorry for your loss and you now have a memory to cherish.
Dear Maria, so sorry to hear your news, but know that in time your last days spent with your dad will be a great comfort to you.
You, your mum and all the family are in my thoughts and prayers.
((()))
My dad died tonight. 4:10 our time. I was laying beside him the whole time. Just me and him.
One of the greatest losses and best gifts of a lifetime for both of you.
You and your family are in my thoughts, prayers and heart. My heartfelt condolences for that immeasurable loss. I mourn your dad because you let me know him.. and what an example on how to be a man, father, husband.... and daddy.
*hugs*
(((Kalni)))
Glad you were with him.
Glad your H has been so supportive (and wow about the ring!).
My thoughts are with you and your family.
Oh Maria, I am so sorry to hear that your Dad has passed away. I hope you and your brother and your Mum are all coping and I really hope that H is being a rock for you, although I am sure he is upset as well.
How special that you were there whilst he passed away and very brave of you to face up to that and wonderful for your Dad that his darling daughter was with him. I feel priveleged to have met him.
Much love to you and all your family and always here for you, Al xxx
(((((Maria)))))
I can't add anything. Knowing that you were with him, and he knew it... I like that.
The burial (sp?) was yesterday. We were shocked with the number of people that came for the last goodbye. I met many of my dad's friends and many of his...pupils that are now 50 years old, pupils he had when he was a young teacher, teaching in tiny isolated villages. The phrase I kept hearing was "your dad was the best man I've ever known", some told me they felt they lost their father... There were nearly 500 hunded people and they were all crying. I felt we werent alone. I was so proud and honored to be his daughter. People travelled 5 hours to come. People we never informed. He was their "best uncle, favourite friend, closest friend, repected teacher, dear brother" etc etc. Us three didnt feel alone. Not for one second. People hugged me and said "you are his daughter, his eyes are your eyes, he is here".
Now, the house feels empty. My brother and mum are struggling. I cry a lot when I think of the last day. I can still hear him call me "my love, my eyes" he was repeating the last few days. I am so sorry he is gone. But I know he is fine.
(((((Kalni)))))
I'm not surprised that he was so well liked and respected.
His love for you, and your love for him come through so strongly. You are carrying his life forward.
I know it's mixed for you, sweet Maria, the showing in honor of your dad shows the outcome of a life well led. What an incredible man!
What an incredibly beautiful send off for your dad. I'm sure he was smiling down on all of you.
How amazing! That is so beautiful that those people traveled all that way to show their support and share their memories.
(((Maria)))
Hi Kalni - Got goosebumps for all the love and support there was ...my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family...
What a lovely tribute for your Dad. I am sure it brings comfort to know that he touched so many people and was so loved. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
hugs, kat
I can only say ditto, to all thas been said.
Hope you hold the many tributes in your heart and draw strength from them in the days/months ahead.
The "firsts" are hard but you have so many happy times to comfort you.
((())))
Thanks guys.
I am back to work today. I dont do much but people are understanding.
H has been a rock for me. Taking care of the kids, my mum, our guests. Today he told me he will book a trip for us for to Rome after a month, so that we can get away. I didnt expect him to be so supportive. A couple of times I was worried he will "split" being one of those persons that cant take pain. But he didnt. And he hasnt. Yet.
I miss my dad already. But life goes on. And I am planning to make it a better one than before.
K
Just caught up on your thread-- so sorry about your dad, Maria.
I am so sorry about everything, but let H be your rock. I know it is hard, but he is proving himself and you can start to rely on him. He is making plans for the future so you can get away together, which is awesome.
Although this is a horrible time, H is really stepping up and I am glad for that for you.
Maria, I was so heartened to see your post about your Dads funeral, how lovely and also comforting for you and your family that so many people turned up to honour him. I think you are lucky to still have such strong connections in Greece in families and in communities that word got around so that all the people that loved your Dad and whose lives were touched by him were able to attend and do him that service. I am so glad that H is being a rock and you do need it, because you have been through so much in the past few years.
You sure you are ok to return to work? Does that help you to have things to focus on and take your mind off it for a bit? In the UK, often when a close family member or parent dies, we get signed off work by the doctor for 2 weeks, although H had 8 weeks off when his Dad was passing away. Take good care of yourself! Snuggle up to H and hold you kids tight and I'm sorry I missed you earlier,
Love and hugs, Al xxx
Wow Ali! That is incredibly generous of them to take someone out of work for 2 weeks. I was stunned when I read that. In the US it's standard to have the day of the death and funeral off. Maybe one day afterward but that's it. Most companies motto is "mourn on your own time". Glad to hear that some countries are still compassionate.
((((((((((((((((((Maria)))))))))))))))))))))))
Specialest of K's..
Sending you love, hugs, peace, joy, caring, cuddles, sunshine, a shoulder, tissues, flowers, warm ocean water, demands from children (who keep us in the now) and all that is good in the world.
One day at a time.
*hugshugshugs*
Kathleen
Oh thanks girls. I read here but dont feel like posting often. I am feeling "darker and darker". I think that maybe this week started better but last week was horrible for me.
My whole apartment has signs of my dad. He actually helped build it. My flower pots with my gardenias and other flowers were his and he made them for me. My automatic watering system on my veranda has the little wires he fixed.
I am ok in general, I feel so much love for him and strangely I feel it from him also but I cant stand the thought that I wont see him again. He is my dad, my dad, you know? Not just an elder dear relative, my dad.
H says I cry every day as if he dies every day. I try to not to. But I am so sad. It's this sinking feeling, the weight on my chest, it's so absolut.
I know many people go through the same every day: loosing a parent. I know I was prepared and actually didnt want him to suffer any longer. I know I shouldnt be dramatic and just deal with it. And I am dealing with it. I am just very very sad.
There are things I feel are not worth doing anymore. Like cooking. He loved my cooking.
H is trying. He reacts differently to pain so he doesnt understand. He loved my dad and that thought helps me. On Thu 12/9 we have our anniversary. I dont care if we do something or not. I am just sad.
(((((((Kalni))))))) I know this is such a painful time for you, I'm so sorry for your loss. Your dad sounds like a wonderful person. I has a few thoughts that may or may not be helpful...
(1) If you are like me, you'd like H to sit next to you, stroke your head, just be with you. But, H is obviously an acts of service guy. He is *doing* everything he can to love you and support you. Feel that the way you'd like to feel it right now. The next time he takes care of something, close your eyes, feel his body next to yours on the couch, his arm around you hugging you tight saying "oh baby I love you so much everything will be all right." Because that is what he is doing. Feel it the way he means it -- translate inside. Maybe it sounds hokey, but it really works. Also, it might not hurt to ask explicitly for what you want. "I'd really like for you to hold me, pat my back, murmur comforting words, and then tell me to get butt dressed and go for a walk with you." Texting is fine and maybe easier for such things.
(2) "My love, my eyes." If that isn't enough to make anyone cry in a good way, I don't know what is. Perhaps if you stop telling yourself how you ought to be doing and give yourself permission to mourn and love your wonderful daddy, you can do it in a way that moves you forward with him in your heart. Can you take some space each day to do something that would be loving for you both? "See" something for him, do something you would both enjoy, and make sure you leave time to laugh or cry about it? Then, put it away until tomorrow with love. Not forever, not to be done with it, just put it away until tomorrow when you can do a little more mourning and keep a little more of the love. Maybe that would help. Right now I get the sense that you are being pressed down with the weight of feeling like you have to be "over it" all at once. Poof. Well, it isn't going to happen. So, let go of that weight, dump it in the bin. A little each day. Respect and love yourself and your father by giving yourself permission to try it that way.
(3) Your anniversary. Well, doing (1) above might help with your apathy there. You might be a wee eensy bit passive aggressive there because you aren't getting what you want from H. But, it is also NORMAL. Still, it is worth consciously affirming that it is OK to look forward to things and to enjoy them. It does not mean you love your father less if you do so. It is OK. Also, (perhaps weirdly) it might help to forget about yourself in an odd way for a minute. Suppose you have a friend who has an anniversary coming up who doesn't know what to do. Help her out -- what would be a fun, loving, meaningful activity? Finally, another way to think of it is not about it as something important to you but as a loving gift for H. If I'm right that H is an acts of service guy, it would probably mean a WHOLE LOT to him if you get off your butt and make something happen for your anniversary. That you did it at all and especially now will not go unnoticed. Imagine yourself getting the plans together in a big shiny gold box with bows and hearts for H. (Or, maybe that should be you in the box, lol.)
Hang in there. It is hard now. It will get better. Howl at the moon if it helps. A support group might be another way to find and protect space to mourn and space to live and love. I had a C once who told me that NO ONE will ever be EVERYTHING we need. It is best to recognize that and own that WE ourselves are the ones responsible for making sure we have everything we need, and doing so means getting those things from different places sometimes.
Now, unless it is raining, bundle up, go outside and walk at least one mile. Now. Do it. Do it. Do it.
Hugs.
It takes a long time to mourn the loss of one held so dear. Don't rush through it. There will be a time that you are so happy that you have so many reminders of your Dad.
After I lost my Grandmother, I was very lucky that she came to me in my dreams and comforted me. Maybe you have to believe in that...I don't know. It did however help me a great deal.
hugs, kat
((((Maria)))))
Having just lost my mom and feeling the extra hit of 3 very important holidays right afterward, I understand what you are feeling. I'm so sorry this is hitting you so hard. You need time to mourn and heal. Stop putting pressure on yourself to 'get over it'. It's not that easy. There are major consequences of just 'getting over it' without processing the sadness and loss. Trust me, I know. I didn't take the time I should have to mourn after my dad died and I just went on with my busy life at the time and only in the last year did I actually process it. 20+ years later! That was even more painful than it would have been then.
It's so hard to limit your daily mourning time, but you will need to do that for yourself and your family. Honestly, set aside an hour out of your day to be by yourself, take a walk, look through photo albums and hold those memories dear. Death is sad but, depending on what you believe, it is NOT the end. It's a next step into eternity. Your dad wouldn't want you to stay sad, but be sad for the moment and be happy that he his not in any pain any longer. When you see your watering system, think of his loving hands building it for you. Think of his hugs, his eyes, his smiles for you. Those will bring you comfort.
I don't know if this is the case for you, but I have had the image of my mom in death burned into my brain. I have been trying to replace that image with only one of her smiling and happy. Just like those famous stop signs we all learned to throw up in our DB minds, do the same. Put pictures in your mind of your dad in his best days. It will bring you comfort and happiness.
Maria, sweetheart, my own heart aches for you and I pray for you and your family daily. Be well, be strong, but most of all, BE YOU!
mish,
the first few days I could shake the image of hm dead. Tired and not the man I knew him to be all my life. People didnt recognise him at the funeral! You are so right, I was trying to think of him smiling and the light of his eyes shining through. I couldnt the first few days. All I could recall was...death. Now that I can, it's harder. Because that wonderful man is the man I miss and still want with me. I do believe that if there is heaven, my dad is at the first seats, close to God. I do know he is well now. But that doenst change the fact that he wanted to be with us, he loved life and his family.
My dad taught me another lesson with his death. His last note to us, spoke about about my mum. How she had been his partner in life, the one and only, and I felt (same did my bro) that his final words declared she came before us. He loved us dearly and we felt it all the years we had with him, but he wanted her and us to know, she was his biggest love. I felt... amazed. I asked how how she managed to be all that for him. She told me she loved him. Being in a child centred marriage that made me think.
Oldtimer, thanks for posting to me. I try to mourn when driving. I look at pics after the kids go to bed. I live, I go to work, but I cant pretend. Dont worry. I am not avoiding my sorrow.
H has been great. What he doenst get is how I have all these emotions out in the open. How I cry. He used to bottling up emotions. He told me he is still numb after his mum died, 7 years later.
thanks friends
K
mish, I dont forget about your loss. I know how close you were to your mum. I wish you strength and peace.
hugs
So great that H is being your rock. Definitely let him.
You won't get over it in a day. Not a week or a month either. But it will get easier.
Do something for your anniversary. Don't let it just skate by. I know it'll seem like too much to deal with, but I think it would be worth it.
Hang in there sweetie. One day at a time. (((Maria)))
K, we can share in our sadness but joy in the lives we had with them.
Love to you sweetie!
Its such early days and grief is cyclical from what I understand - good days, bad days, nice memories that make you smile, those that make you cry. Cycling over memories and what happened is important so its great to talk it out and go over it again and again because thats what helps move towards acceptance. Much like when we were left really. I remember cycling over our R and when and why he left me for months and months and I needed to, it helped. That was a bereavement too, a loss and grief. I said this is the worst thing that has ever happened to you, other than H leaving. I am SO glad that he is back, there for you and holding you in his arms, I could kiss him for that! Sending you love and keep talking about your Dad sweetheart,
Al xxx
Well, another anniversary came and left. And H didnt even mention anything. I booked a night at a very very nice hotel in the center of the city and a session of massage for both of us and wine and flowers but we couldnt go yesterday, kids, schools etc.I had planned to tell him but since he didnt say anything I didnt do a thing...
Hmmmmmmm.......
Do you think he might have not wanted to say anything given the mourning period you are in? If he holds old world traditional mourning rituals to heart would he feel that it would be disrespectful to celebrate something so soon after a death in the family?
You two will spend half your lives waiting for the other to make the first move! LOL
I just wanted to come by and check on you. love ya.
kat
(((((((Kalni)))))))
Sending big hugs, happy memories, and wishes for happier tomorrows.
(((Kalni)))
Hope you are doing okay.
Popping by to say I find you in my thoughts often. Sending love and friendship from California...
Hi awest, girl, gang...,
No nothing is well. Nothing feels right.I guess holidays are the real test when you are missing someone you love. Maybe next year will be better.
I am wishing all my friends, Merry Christmas, Health, Happiness and all the best for you an dyoru families.
Have fun,
Maria
Merry Christmas Maria. It will take time to be able to look back with more joy than sorrow but it will eventually lessen.
Much love to you and your family.
Sagapo, Maria. You are beautiful. I know the pain will lessen with time. I've said it before and hate to say it again, but you were so lucky to have such a loving, sweet, beautiful papa. He lives on in you. I hope you honor his memory by loving yourself as much as your daddy loves you, sweet, magnificent woman.
xoxoxoxoxo
It will take time to make new traditions, to put the loss behind you. Nothing happens overnight. Everything is bittersweet, but try and enjoy the little things too. (((Maria)))
Next year will be better. And the year after that.
Much love to you and your family sweetie.
Merry Christmas! I hope your family has a wonderful holiday. Warm thoughts and wishes.
Love, kat
Thinking of you, Maria...Merry Christmas greetings!
Good morning...
I am feeling a bit strange not posting much lately but so many things have changed and I feel I dont have much to say.
I's been almost 3 years since I started posting. Those holidays of 2007-2008 were the hardest period of my life, until this year's. I have come a long way. We did all, didnt we? Life isnt as we thought it would be but it isnt bad.
We spent Christmas with my dad's brother and sister. My dad was missing. He loved holidays, big dinners and being around his family. For a strange reason I cant remember last year's celebration. It will come to me. Right now I keep having flash backs from when I was young, very young, 2-3-4 years old.
It has affected me more than I thought it would. I have this huge weight sitting on my chest. I think my heart is having issues: high blood pressure, irregular ticking etc etc.
My mom seems to now realise she is left behind. Going thourgh his things, she found little memoirs he had kept about her and of her that she never knew about. He was loving her in ways she didnt realise while he was alive. And she is feeling she missed a lot.
H and I are ...ok. I am finding myself getting mad at him often. For all the things he put me through. For breaking up our special bond. For not being dedicated to me. I know it's not wise to compare our R with my parents' R but I catch myself doing it a little too often.
Right now, what bothers me is that when I hug him at nights, I have all these doubts and questionamarks in my head. I wonder if I will ever feel OK with him. With no "buts" and "ifs". I dont want to live a life full with concerns. I want to be able to trust him and feel secure in my relationship.
Hope everyone had a good time.
M
We have planned a 3 days getaway on Jan 3rd. With another family.
I can related. I don't post nearly as much anymore. Things just move on a bit. Luckily this board has been more than DBing to me, the friends I've made have been awesome.
You are dealing with a lot right now. Make sure you take care of yourself. Stress does very strange things to the body and mind. Sounds like you should get checked out by a doctor.
You know as well as anyone that the bitterness and anger leeches through at unexpected moments. It's great that you feel safe enough to BE angry though. Your R is unique. It's not what it was 3 years ago, and it will never be the same as your parents', but that doesn't mean it isn't a wonderful work in progress.
I don't know if I'll ever be able to have a relationship I truly feel secure in again. Period. It has nothing to do with WHO cheated on me, lied to me, and then left me, but the fact that it happened at all.
I'm much more jealous. Much more suspicious. It is something I fight with. Even though Roger has done nothing to earn my suspicion, it's still there. Because of the past.
I had a good Christmas. (((Maria)))
The getaway sounds nice. Where are you going?
Stupid stupid edit button.
"relate" not "related."
Just thinking of you....I am sure your emotions are still all over the place with the loss of your dad and the holiday so soon after.
I still catch myself getting angry at Dan sometimes but he is not hear to vent to...I am so glad you do have your husband with you even though piecing is a hard road.
I hope your getaway is relaxing for you...
We are heading to where we went 2 years ago. We had spent 4 great days at a superb hotel and we didnt make love. I was wondering what was going on. He was staying true to ...her.
Sometimes I wonder if the progress we are making is real.
I believe it is. You are in a place of mixed emotions especially with your Dad passing. You can't have your parents marriage...you aren't them but you can build your marriage and make it a strong and loving one.
Look at what your H is doing now, not 2 years ago. The past is something to learn from but not something to live with in the present.
Much Love, kat
I hope this trip allows you to build beautiful memories and I hope you don't have too many thoughts from the past creep in.
Sending all the love in my heart to you.
Sounds like a great opportunity for a do-over to me.
Actions speak louder than words my dear, and his actions have been saying he is there. You are both doing the work it seems. So why doubt yourself?
This is your future... Happy New Year everyone,
YOU are the best!
M
Right back at ya!! I know things are going to be incredible for you. Believe it.
love and hugs, kat
Happy New Year Maria. Have a wonderful trip with your H making special memories together.
Hey Maria, I guess you are away, I hope you and your H and kids manage to have a little fun, or maybe just some relaxation. Yes, stress can cause your chest to feel heavy and your heart to fluctuate, I get that too.
Its a very hard time for you and you are bound to feel resentments towards your H more keenly right now, because you are wounded and vunerable after losing your Dad. It heightens everything. Try and accept this and not place too much 'importance' on it. You cant have your parents marriage, as Kat says. Your parents married in a very different time and era, when marriage WAS for life and people had less choices, or believed that they did. Walking out on kids and getting divorced was uncommon and frowned upon 40 years ago! I really feel for your Mum and its stories like that that make me want to be sure I feel things NOW, not look back and regret the conversations I could have and should of had.
I watched a programme last night about Siberia. An amazing man ran a spiritual retreat there. He said, we should feel more, and think less. We should ignore all the information flying at us. We should instead notice that we are just sat, with a loved one, or talking to a friend. To feel that. Feel the sun and the wind in your face. Just be in the here and now.
It really touched me and maybe that kind of thinking will help you through the coming days and weeks.
I hope people are talking to you about your Dad, H, your brother, friends etc. You need to cycle over the memories. Just becuase someone has physically gone, doesnt mean that they are gone from your heart and mind. That was the biggest thing that hurt H after his Dad died - within weeks, noone ever mentioned his Dad to him. Like they were afraid to.
Much love and hugs, always here for you,
Al xxx
Happy New Year! I am wishing you the best this year. 2010 was a hard year. I hope your vacation has done the trick to give you some relaxation to rejuvenate.
Hope you are doing well, including your foot.
Take everything one day at a time, be happy with each good thing that comes your way.
kat
I am back and still feeling very sad. I hope the grief goes away eventually. I miss my dad so much. As they say, absence is "louder" than presence. And my mom is not coping well. She started talking about how her life is coming to an end...
The trip was fine. We had a good time. No snow but still we had fun. The kids loved it. They saw a fox, rode horses, played with dogs etc etc.
H was nice and caring. We didnt make make love at all which was fine with me, I am not in the mood lately but I figured something was off and asked him and he said I once told him he was the worst lover. Not true although I had said something like that during one of our heated convos. I knew then it was harsh but didnt think he noticed. Well, he did. Funny, I feel I have every reason to feel insecure in regards to sex and now he feels it too...
Anyway, things are ok in general. LIfe has been a bit strange and there are moments when I feel I want to escape. But they dont last long.
Hope everyone is ok and enjoying a good year already,
xxx
The grief will go away eventually. But like everything, it takes time. Patience my dear. That dreaded word.
Things are rarely as one-sided as we believe. And it is so ironic that words can never be recaptured. Once they are out they have the power to wound forever.
Hey Maria, it could be a few years before you are able to remember your Dad and not feel that awful grief at his loss. I know H is ok now, but it took 3-4 years. Everyone is different. Have you, or can you speak to a bereavement counsellor at all? I'm sorry about your Mum, its going to be such a hard time for her. Having her grandchildren nearby might help her eventually. Is your son still popping down to see her?
Wow, so maybe that explains alot of H's previous reluctance in the bedroom department??
Glad you are 'ok', love Al xxx
((((((Maria)))))))
Hugs to you sweets. Hope you are finding each day just a small increment easier to bear.
I wanted you to know that I am thinking of you. Big hugs. I know how you feel.
kat
I just wanted to post also, that I am thinking of you. Its a full moon today in cancer, linked to Neptune and I'm feeling pretty emotional. Sending you love
Al xxx
Thanks girls...
I have been a bit emotional with H lately. I dont know if anyone has a similar experience but I feel there will be something missing from our life. Period.
I am also feeling I cant share with him my thoughts, that he doesnt really know me, that with him, I am very concious about me in general.
He wants us to remodel part of our house (kitchen and kid's rooms). We have had sex twice last week and I think that is his response to my comment about it. He seemed to enjoy it more than I did (ok, trying to be funny here!).
I am ok in general. I gained nearly 5 kilos since my dad died, I am down 1,5 and need another 3-3,5 to go.
K
Hello Specialest of K's..
You are beautiful... sunshine walking.
*hugs*
If you don't share with him your thoughts...he won't really know you. You are the only one who can choose to share yourself with him.
You spent so long walking on eggshells that it is only natural to be still recovering, rebuilding, patching. That doesn't mean things will be like this forever, or even very long. It's a phase.
You are also grieving. That changes your perspective on a lot of things. But the sunshine is still there.
Was your comment about sex good or bad? I mean, twice in the week isn't nothing lol.
Do you want to do the remodeling? It's great to see him planning your future together, taking care of you and the kids, really being there. It's so amazing how far you guys have come!
As for your weight, it's good that you are conscious of it and not getting up 15 or 20 kilos before you pay attention, but you are going through a stressful time of your life, so don't be too hard on yourself. You are always beautiful.
(((Maria)))
I feel I am the only one pushing to the right direction. Making sure we arent going down the same path. When I get tired, we backslide. BUt that's the way I FEEL. Most of the times. Because it isnt the case. I can see the strides he is making. I can see the effort he makes. But he is so sick of what he has done to us, sometimes he is just trying to avoid the facts. He hates it I dont trust him. He gets mad and upset. But..., he has to face it.
This weekend we had a conversation where he showed exceptional jealousy. It is not at all reassuring for me cause he used to a lot when he was in his affair, but it was interesting. Caught me off guard.
Communication is still THE issue for us. Trying to find the way to make it efficient and positive.
Love to all
K
Hmm, not trusting him reminds him of how badly he behaved and how he let you all down and makes him feel bad about himself and the guilt kicks in and well.. yada yada hey, all that DBing stuff. Interesting that he would get jealous of YOU !? If thats what you meant. I mean, you proved your love and tenacity and commitment, because you hung in there and took him back, after everything that went on and time that went by. Maybe worth reminding him of that !
I agree with Michelle, I know being slim helps your mental attitude, to feel better about yourself, but you've just lost your Dad and maybe you need some treats and to indulge yourself? And anyway, I've met you and.. you are slim !! Nothing to worry about there sunbeam.
Much love back to you, Al xxx
You and H have both changed a lot over the time that you were apart so could it be true that neither of you know each other? I mean really know each other?
It is good to let him know about you because even something as simple as you likes and dislikes have probably changed over the time you were apart and H needs to relearn who you are, and you have to learn to he is as well. Communication is always hard, but try to talk to H and let him know how you feel, what you want, your dreams, etc.
You are one awesome and strong woman. You have done so much and come so far and it is just great to see.
Intriguing about the jealousy. It definitely could be a sign of how invested he is now.
It's funny how our perceptions influence our world so much. How you say he really is working, but you still feel like you guys backslid when you get tired. I am sure the progress is faster when you are both putting in so much effort. But it is amazing how far you guys have come. It truly is.
(((maria))) Spring is around the corner. The time of new beginnings and the time for all things to blossom. I hope things bloom in your life sunshine.