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You're still the one

Posted By: Freckle6

You're still the one - 09/27/10 02:08 PM

Figured it was time to start a new thread since it's probably ok to admit to piecing now that H has moved back. laugh The title is our first dance song from our wedding.

He moved most of his stuff this weekend. He accumulated lots of stuff in 5+ years! Taking a break right now from weeding through it and deciding what to keep and what duplicates to give away. The basement looks like it's straight out of an episode of Hoarders at the moment. eek

His poor cat is currently hiding inside the box springs of our (feels funny to say "our") bed. My cat, who is half the size of his, chases his cat when it gets the courage to come out and scares it back again. Hopefully the humans adjust a little easier. laugh
Posted By: Freckle6

Re: You're still the one - 09/27/10 02:20 PM

Previous thread: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1878176&page=1
Posted By: FindingMyVoice

Re: You're still the one - 09/27/10 02:26 PM

Morning, Freckle - not familiar with your sitch but wanted to say 'way to go!' and welcome to piecing. FMV.
Posted By: courageous wife

Re: You're still the one - 10/06/10 04:22 PM

I am so happy for you and your family freckle!!! smile
Congrats on your new thread title!
Posted By: Freckle6

Re: You're still the one - 10/06/10 04:50 PM

Thank you!
Posted By: Freckle6

Re: You're still the one - 10/06/10 05:18 PM

Things have been going very well since H has moved back in. I thought adjusting to another adult in the house would be a little more difficult, but it hasn't been at all. In many ways it's like he was never gone. Even his cat is walking around here like he's lived here forever.

Some highlights of the past couple of weeks: I've been having issues with BC pills and for the last year have been trying bunches of different ones trying to find one that doesn't slam me with side effects I can't live with. I told him last week that I was going off them and letting my body reset itself and then will look into something else.

He mentioned something about a friend at work having a vasectomy and I said, "well, there you go. You can do that.", thinking that with our ages and what happened before, that it is only childville for us. Instantly he said he didn't want to do that as we were only (yeah, only...) 37 and he might want to have another. shocked For anyone who hasn't read back on my sitch, this all started almost 7 years ago when I was pregnant before. Not sure exactly what I think about this, but it really surprised me.

H has told me how happy he is to be here. His face just lit up when he said it too. It was really, really awesome to hear him say that. After being pelted with bombs for so long, it makes that all the more special to hear from him.

Some other things on the topic of being divorced--he told me he never read our divorce papers and let his lawyer make up stuff to say about me (he needed grounds in NY to divorce me so he had to file under me being cruel and inhumane).

When I told my parents he was moving back my mother was all like, "you have to have a wedding or get married again". It was weird because we lived together before being married for 5 years and no one ever pressured us to get married back then. I thought her reaction was funny and told H about it and said that I didn't see any reason we needed to be married again. He then said, "Well, I guess I won't propose to you then". He wasn't mad or upset or anything--more like ok, I don't have to worry about having to do that.

I told him that as far as I was concerned, he's still my husband. We've had a wedding and have pictures to prove it. We still have the same last name and I told him I think it technically invalidates the divorce if you're continually sleeping with each other before and after things are final. laugh

I also told him that we've been on and off for almost 23 years now and that he's never going to get rid of me so to not even try anymore. He said that maybe it's me that can't get rid of him. haha. He then said he doesn't ever want to get rid of me again and this is exactly where he belongs and wants to be.
Posted By: gutwrenching

Re: You're still the one - 10/06/10 06:22 PM

Great update, thanks for sharing, I hope many others read it and get hope from it
Posted By: courageous wife

Re: You're still the one - 10/07/10 02:03 AM

Freckle

Do you think that your H realizes how much he missed out on with your first one?
Posted By: Freckle6

Re: You're still the one - 10/07/10 07:33 PM

Thanks GW. laugh Hopefully it's hope rather than a "oh, crap. You mean I'm going to have to stick it out 5 years and it's only been 3 months!" feeling. LOL

CW: Good question. That's probably in his head. He told me before he moved back in that he's missing so much with our son. For me, the idea of doing that again terrifies and excites me at the same time. Heh.
Posted By: Lost Rabbit

Re: You're still the one - 10/07/10 09:36 PM

Wow fantastic news Freckle, you must win the award for hanging on in there the longest :-)
Posted By: Butterfly1

Re: You're still the one - 10/08/10 06:34 AM

YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ox
Posted By: Freckle6

Re: You're still the one - 10/08/10 03:47 PM

LR: I didn't really hang in there all that time. I had, not given up, but accepted it was really over after about 2 1/2 years. He was back and forth for over a year of that time, so really after a bit over a year, I had resigned myself to being divorced. But I never win anything so I'll take the prize! Is it a pretty trophy? LOL

Hi Hope! For some reason the internet goblins ate most of my post to you in your thread yesterday.
Posted By: Butterfly1

Re: You're still the one - 10/11/10 01:39 AM

I think of you too every day. You and rabbit are my two biggest inspirations and have been my best friends on this site. I couldn't be happier to hear how well your new life is going as a family! BIG WELL DESERVED HUGS~
Posted By: Freckle6

Re: You're still the one - 10/11/10 08:52 PM

Thank you! laugh I wish there were a way to stay in touch beyond here. Grrr.
Posted By: Butterfly1

Re: You're still the one - 10/20/10 09:23 AM

Me too - you can always reach me on FB just ask if you want my "real" fb page.

You have been my inspiration for so long.
Whenever I'm going through something I think Freckle went through it too - and for much longer and when her child was much younger - and it gives me strength!
Posted By: artemesia

Re: You're still the one - 10/21/10 12:43 AM

Hi Freckle6. I don't mean to hijack your thread but you've been in this for the long haul and I've been doing this for 3 years now. Like you, H and I have run hot and cold during this entire time. Last oct to this spring we were spendig a lot of time on the phone (10 - 20 hours a week) and some weekends together ( we lived 5 hours away due to jobs).

This spring between going back and forth of moving in together again (his idea) to him starting to see co-worker, I said enough no more contact that I couldn't deal with it this way. We talked a few times and he finally said that we shouldn't talk anymore.

So we left it at that. He called in aug but I didn't answer. He called a few days ago and I finally called him back. He has a client he wants to send to me (we are in the same professional field). We talked for an hour. He seemed really happy to talk with me and flirted. I think I was a bit aloof but I told him about the cool new things I've been doing since I moved a couple of months ago (plus I'm sick).

So this is the first time we've talked in 4 months. I'm upset with myself for talking with him. I feel like I undid all the progress I made over the last 4 months of moving on. Did you go through this and how did you deal? The timing is impeccable. Just as I'm starting to move on... I know I didn't have to talk to him. I thought I should for whatever reason this time.

Thanks for any insight...
Posted By: Freckle6

Re: You're still the one - 10/25/10 02:00 PM

Hope, how do I find you on FB? Having a younger child was easier I think. I could cry in front of him when he was a baby and he didn't know and since caring for an infant is so time consuming (yet mindless and rote) it distracted me from what was going on. And those baby giggles where their whole body shakes and lights up are good for getting you out of your depressing funks and seeing what is really important. Once S got older and talked about his Dad and cried for him--that was the hardest and would break my heart all over again in a different way. You know that as a mom, the worst thing is to know your child is hurting and you can't do anything about it other than comfort them.

Artemesia, don't beat yourself up over talking to your H. I think aloof was the way to go. When my H first started making his way back at exactly this time last year, he didn't just come out and say it. He was making contact w/ me in weird ways and my initial reactions were more like WTF and I was very aloof and probably pretty cold too.

One of the things I remember was that he texted me and said that it would be nice if sometime I texted him and told him what our son and I were up to. My first thought was, "FU, you don't have any right to keep tabs on me." I actually thought he was saying something snotty to me and I replied and asked what the hell he meant. He explained a bit and I found out he wasn't being a jerk, but I guess just wanted to know what we were up to when I had S. When this exchange was going on, it was a couple hours after he had dropped our S off after visitation and I had just taken S to urgent care because he had come home sicker after having a cold for like 2 weeks. So, I told him where we were and he called me and we talked a bit--mostly about S and that was it.

The next week was Halloween and against every fiber of my being I texted him and told him about trick or treeting plans and invited him to come if he wanted. He did and it was awkward and I hated being near him and barely said a word to him. I didn't know what was going on with him, but I was not going to let myself get pulled back in again unless he flat out said what his intentions were.

I know it's hard when you think you've moved on and they do something that pulls you back there and you realize you weren't moved on nearly as far as you thought. I never really figured out how to not do that, so unfortunately I can't tell you any magic things to do to protect yourself. laugh You'd think I might have figured this out as it's been going on with him since I was about 12, but I guess not... LOL

Hang in there! If he is having second (ninth?) thoughts he will make them clearer. At this point, I'd stay distant and if he's thinking of trying to reconnect, he'll make the effort to keep trying to get to you and you'll know better where he stands.
Posted By: Freckle6

Lonely bed again - 01/25/11 07:19 PM

Things have been good here since H moved back in at the end of Sept. In some ways we're still kind of shy around one another, but it's been getting easier.

H got a new job last week which requires him to travel a lot. Last night was the first night he was gone and it was weird to be alone in bed again. Though I will admit it was nice sleeping without the snoring that I still haven't gotten used to again. wink

He's going to be gone during the week probably more often than not now. He won't be terribly far away--a few hours usually, but away is away. When he was considering this job (more money and benefits which he didn't have) and we were talking about the travel, I told him that to be completely blunt, the travel part wouldn't really be a big deal to me and our son at home as I had been handling everything for 5+ years anyway. I made a point to tell him I did like him here and did want him with us ideally, but logistically, it wouldn't be a big transition for our family as it would be for "normal" families. smile He said to me, "so, in other words, you haven't gotten that used to me being around again". LOL

I think our slow reconciliation will help too. We spent most of a year texting during the week and spending the weekends together so this will be similar to that. We did make a point to explain to our son (he's only 6) that this was still Daddy's home and when he didn't have to be away because of work, that this is where he'll be.

Hope all is well with the handful of us that are here.
Posted By: Freckle6

Re: Lonely bed again - 08/02/11 03:49 AM

Found myself wandering around here and figured I'd throw a quick update up.

Things are going well with us. H's "new" job keeps him out of town most weeks so it's sort of the best of both worlds in some ways.

After a long, horribly horrible and painful battle, my MIL died of cancer in May. It was the most horrifying (did I say it was horrible?) thing I've ever been though and I wouldn't wish that kind of death on my worst enemy. I know it made her happy that we were back together. She told me that when he called her last fall to tell her he was moving home she said that was the best news she had had in years. I miss her so much though and it still hasn't sunk in that she's gone. She was my rock for those difficult years.
Posted By: Jack_Three_Beans

Re: Lonely bed again - 08/02/11 03:53 PM

I am sorry for your loss Freckle.
Posted By: Freckle6

Re: Lonely bed again - 08/03/11 01:37 AM

Thank you, Jack.
Posted By: HeartScared

Re: Lonely bed again - 08/18/11 07:28 AM

Freckle6,

I am sorry about your MIL, I know you will always have good memories of her.

I wanted to tell you thank you so much for sharing your story. I do not have a thread or anything, but I come to reread your story because it helps me to keep hope. I am so glad that you came back to give an update.

HS
Posted By: Freckle6

Re: Lonely bed again - 03/20/12 08:47 PM

Wow, it's been a while since I've checked in here. H and I are still back together. It's been almost 2.5 years now after a 4+ year separation. Still recovering from MIL's illness and death. My FIL is doing pretty good, considering he lost his best friend of 50+ years.

H and I a bit of a surprise right after Christmas and I have to admit that it has me on pins and needles considering what happened before. We're expecting our second baby the first week of September. Our son will be 8 in June and that pregnancy seemed to start the cold war that brought the bomb (and that one was planned!).

When I found out, I was terrified and my best friend had to talk me off the edge. I told H and he was in complete shock too. I'm almost 4 months along now and it seems to have sunk in and he seems fine and excited, though he was great at first the first time too. I guess only time will tell, but I admit I am more than a little guarded and cautious. Oh, and we're in the middle of a complete DIY kitchen remodel too, so now we just have to get that done and get ready for another baby. No stress, right?
Posted By: alone

Re: Lonely bed again - 03/21/12 10:08 PM

Freckle6 it is good that you thought about posting here again when you felt your insecurities kicking in. You have been through a lot with your husband and it is understandable. Just remember how much the two of you have grown through all of this. And your relationship is not what it was back then. I just wanted to let you know that we are here for you.
Posted By: Freckle6

Re: Lonely bed again - 03/22/12 11:41 AM

Thank you, alone laugh
Posted By: Freckle6

Re: Lonely bed again - 03/23/17 06:31 PM

I thought about this place today and decided to see if it still existed and found my last thread here. Since my original threads seem to not be here anymore, I will give a brief (who am I kidding, probably not so brief...) background. Good thing the pertinent dates are in my old sig because it's been so long now I might not exactly have remembered them. smile

We married at 26 years old in 1999. We consciously decided to have a baby and our son was born in June 2004. During my pregnancy, I noticed my husband being distant and just off, but chalked it up to nerves at impending parenthood and me probably being an overly sensitive pregnant woman. 6 weeks after our son was born I got the bomb and was devastated and shell-shocked. Ater 10 months of walking on eggshells and not knowing which way was up, he told me on my 31st birthday that he was moving out and moved out on my very first mother's day.

Back then I felt he was more a WAH and not MLC. There was no OW, he was just panicked and bolted. Lots of rewriting history--we had been together from the time we were 20 and knew each other from when we were 12. My opinion, then and now, was that he had an "oh, [censored], I'm going to be a father" crisis. I DB'ed my butt off and I credit it for making me behave in a way where I regret not a single thing or how I handled it all. I stayed above any drama, I didn't lash out at him, and I acted "as if" like my life depended on it.

Of course, like most, none of it worked. He waffled back and forth in the beginning for a bit but eventually retreated. This board helped me keep my sanity through it all. Just knowing I wasn't the only one out there in pain and with a life I didn't recognize anymore helped so much. I also had so much support from my in-laws and I will be forever thankful to them and owe them more than I can ever repay. My MIL died in 2011 and I miss her every day. The one thing I stuck to was that I refused to file for D. He wanted it, he could pay for it and initiate it. In our lives I always handled this sort of "important" stuff, so it was time for him to take over for himself. He finally got around to filing in March of 2008, almost 3 years after we separated. I had gotten a formal support order through our County years before to protect us both and thankfully he was one of the good ex guys and never fought me on support and kept up visitation like clockwork with our son. Through him I eventually heard that Daddy had a "friend", but by that time I was doing ok. I had no interest in dating, but had gotten to the point where I was really happy in my own little life. There was a lot of ups and downs until that point, but time really does heal the wounds.

In the Summer of 2009 out of the blue he called me one night and was talking about his job and just the tone of his voice was the man I knew, who had been unlike the man I had dealt with for the past 4 years. He invited me to go on a day trip with him and our son to the Bronx Zoo on a charter bus. I accepted, hesitantly, but went because I didn't get to do a lot of things like that with our son and didn't want to miss the experience with him. It was a strange, platonic thing and was very uncomfortable for me, to say the least. We also took our son to July 4th fireworks another time, still with the awkward platonic thing going on. In retrospect, I think he was feeling me out.

We started chatting a bit on IM and I think he eventually came out and said he missed me in November of 2009. And my feelings came rushing back for him. We took things very slow and basically "dated". The judge finally signed off on our divorce in January 2010 while we had started piecing. In a way, it was fitting and didn't bother me in the least.
The old marriage was truly dead and buried. We had been separated for 4 and a half years.

At the time the song Far Away by Nickelback (who has since become the most hated band on the internet...) was out and he told me the words fit perfectly. It choked me up then and continues to today.

This time, this place misused, mistakes
Too long, too late, who was I to make you wait?
Just one chance, just one breath
Just in case there's just one left
'Cause you know you know, you know
That I love you I have loved you all along and I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you'll be with me and you'll never go
Stop breathing if I don't see you anymore
On my knees, I'll ask last chance for one last dance
'Cause with you, I'd withstand
All of hell to hold your hand
I'd give it all I'd give for us
Give anything, but I won't give up
'Cause you know you know, you know
That I love you I have loved you all along and I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you'll be with me and you'll never go
Stop breathing if I don't see you anymore
So far away, so far away
Been far away for far too long
So far away, so far away
Been far away for far too long
But you know, you know, you know
I wanted, I wanted you to stay
'Cause I needed, I need to hear you say
That I love you, I have loved you all along
And I forgive you, for being away for far too long
So keep breathing, 'cause I'm not leaving
Hold on to me and never let me go
Keep breathing, 'cause I'm not leaving you anymore
Believe it, hold on to me and
Never let me go, keep breathing
Hold on to me and never let me go (Keep breathing)
Hold on to me and never let me go

Like I said, we took things very slow. I was in no way ready to rush into anything with him. In fact, I made him take the lead on how fast it went. We chatted on the computer or texted (with old flip phones!) almost daily and spent weekends together at my (our) house or his apartment. This went on for about 9 months and I made it a point to never bring up him moving back. He started to hint at it and I just played cool and made him eventually come out and bring it up himself. He moved back September 2010, 5 years and 5 months after he moved out.

A little over a year later we hit the biggest rough spot in that I unexpectedly became pregnant. It definitely was not in the plans and I was terrified we'd have a repeat of last time. The "oh, sh1t" moment we each had eventually passed and we came through with another beautiful son, 8 years after our first was born. He was the happiest baby and adored by the three of us from the moment he was born.

He's been back for over 6 years now. Longer than we were married pre-bomb and longer than we were separated. There, of course, have been ups and downs. And even more so, there are some scars, at least as far as I'm concerned, that will always remain. I have no desire to ever remarry him. It was a piece of paper and it didn't keep him here before and I'm smarter now to know that it won't necessarily keep him here again. I refer to him as my husband in certain situations. I don't know if it'll be forever, but I learned that you can never be promised forever anyway.

I hope everyone here finds peace and happiness. No matter how awful it is right now, it will get better. It happens slow, until one day you realize that the time between your darkest moments goes from hours to days, to weeks, and so on. And sometimes it backslides but you dust off faster and get on with it again.
Posted By: kippz

Re: Lonely bed again - 04/24/17 12:12 PM

It's great to hear good endings. Congrats Freckle6.
Posted By: Kylo

Re: Lonely bed again - 08/19/17 04:27 PM

Thanks for providing the update. It's worrisome if we don't see many posts from people who made it through
Posted By: Subitai

Re: Lonely bed again - 01/31/18 09:48 AM

A for real success story...
Posted By: Gordie

Re: Lonely bed again - 09/23/18 09:22 AM

Thank you for your beautiful post

I feel like we are in that platonic phase

And yes feel there are scars that are healed but will always remain

And yes that realization that there is no promise of forever is sobering

It is encouraging to know I am not alone in these feelings

Thank you thank you thank you
Posted By: BluWave

Re: Lonely bed again - 09/24/18 05:20 PM

Gordie, thank you for bumping this thread. I had not read it before.

I appreciate it when the other piecers still come back and give updates! Maybe I should move my thread here too. I think it really helps the newbies out to read our stuff.

Frekcle6, how are things going with you? Do you still read/post here?

Blu
Posted By: ovrrnbw

Re: Lonely bed again - 09/24/18 06:22 PM

Me too, Blu. Just like to see what everyone's journey looked like, it helps.
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