All right, guys, I need some advice here, please.
I'm to the point of feeling like I have done all the work in restoring this M to the point of exhaustion and I still don't feel like it's *right.*
I know everyone is going to suggest he's having another A, but I'm almost to the point of not caring. You see, I KNOW he knows if it happens again, that will be IT.
Anyway, for my H to seem as if he's not interested in S is very unusual and that's exactly what is happening right now. That's what's bothering me right now. He isn't touching me the way he usually does around the house & he isn't initiating at all. The not initiating isn't really the unusual thing though. He's always been higher drive than me and that was part of our problems to begin w/, but I've made sure that we've been having S on a regular basis ever since we "worked things out." Anyway, here lately, it's just like he's not even interested or cares whether it happens or not.
Sometimes I just feel like a second class citizen in this house. Like I'm here to do my "job" and since it's being done, than everything is kosher.
I just don't know what to think or do anymore.
I only know one person who can answer your question: your husband. Have you asked him what is up?
No b/c I'm tired of always being the one to try to *fix* everything & know he gets irritated when I start asking what's going on w/ him. Like I said things haven't ever truly been "right" and so there have been other times when I've tried to talk to him about things & just always says everything is fine. He's told me he "knows when I start looking for things" when I feel things are just not quite right & wondering what's up, so I've tried to act like nothing is bothering me.
Over the weekend our son wanted to sleep w/ dad & then the next night he said since he slept w/ dad last night, he wanted to sleep w/ me that night & I fully expected H to veto that, but he didn't & I said "what, are we celebate now?" and he just shook his head & laughed & said no. So he knows I'm wondering what's up, but hasn't initiated any contact or anything.
But then tonight during our family prayer time before bed he prays that he is thankful for the 4 of us and can't imagine life w/o us. What's that about?
Like I said, I'm just so tired of living this way. I guess I still feel like I'm on egg shells at times. I still feel like he has the "upper hand" b/c I still get fearful when I think of losing him.
OK, you have to talk to him. To hold this in will do no good. That or go into spy mode if your gut is telling you something.
I hate that feeling like he still has the upper hand, I know what you mean and I hate it. It's like you somehow want to do a power grab, make sense?
I just still feel like I'm not good enough for him. That he chose to cheat (numerous times) and I have to work really hard to keep up w/ what is "good enough" whatever that may be. I know that is ridiculous, but that's just how I feel. I lost a lot of self-respect during the whole D sitch & haven't gotten it back.
Thanks for responding June. I'm going to go check out your sitch.
I know I need to talk to him. Maybe the time will be right this evening after the boys go to bed. Last night he said he was exhausted & went to bed (the first night since sleeping w/ our son) and nothing happened. We haven't had S in about a week or so, so I thought he would be chomping at the bit. It's not like him to not want S or seem to be at all interested in whether it happens or not. I just don't understand this. Of course there could be someone else, but I'm not getting the gut feeling that there is. I almost just feel like he's not attracted to me anymore or something along those lines.
Hi Redhead,
I'm kind of in the same boat at the moment. Just burnt out, feel like I've been doing all the work, and likewise have not had S with (x)W in over a week, where she is the HD and me not so much, yet last, I was the HD and everything seems to have come to halt.
I also can relate to your feelings about the D. The one year anniversary of mine is around the bend, and it's chomping at my sanity, very very badly. I let (x)W know that, and her only answer is "you need to get over that". Yeah, easier said than done.
Conversely, (x)W thinks that I AM the one who'd rather be with someone else versus her?
Haha! Dday with the red headed gal talking to redhead wife...
Haha! Dday with the red headed gal talking to redhead wife...
LOL, true, true.
her only answer is "you need to get over that".
This is so typical. They just want to sweep everything under the rug and forget about it. That's so very hard when our hearts have been literally torn to pieces with everything that happened. H said so many cruel things to me & I'm just supposed to forget that??!! Like it never happened?!
Maybe I should send an email -- what do you think dday? Email or try to talk to him? I guess that way I would be able to put my thoughts down on paper & not forget what I was going to say when the time came to say it. I've lost count, but I've been at this for what about 3 years now since D bomb? Something like that!
What do I think? Two things:
One, I reminded myself of a couple of sayings that kept me sane through everything and lost sight of lately, one of which applies to what my (x)W is trying to say, in her own "elliquent" way: scars remind us of where we've been, but do not dictate where we are going. And of course, the serenity prayer.
Secondly, I would write everything out first, purge your thoughts and personal injections to keep the message clear. Then deliver it verbaly, at the right moment, which for me is out of the blue, when I feel comfrotable with her demeaner.
As for forgetting everything that happened....
I at least know in the case of my (x)W, she has not. Good times or not so good times, I know it torments her. Like I said, she is ever so parinoid now that one day I'll just have had enough, give up and walk out the door. She may just be right to an extent. This time , I am watching my butt. I am buying a house solely in my name. I keep the cars, solely in my name. If and when she gets the steam to ask me as she should for re-marriage, she will sign into a pre-nup (as I asked the first time). Why? Reason one above: my scars are reminding me of where I've been.
Well, ok, but this is the email I was proposing to maybe *start* the convo:
H, I have been feeling that things aren't quite right with us right now. I realize we haven't had a lot of alone time lately and therefore don't feel the closeness we used to have, but the HUGE indicator to me right now is your lack of interest in sex. For the past few years, it seems to me that I am always the one who has to initiate, but for the past couple of weeks, you haven't seemed interested AT ALL. This is not "normal" for the husband I know & love.
I hope we can talk about this & get the air cleared. I love you!
Or should I just be extra snuggly tonight & see what happens and go from there?
[quote=RedHeadWife]
This is so typical. They just want to sweep everything under the rug and forget about it. That's so very hard when our hearts have been literally torn to pieces with everything that happened. H said so many cruel things to me & I'm just supposed to forget that??!! Like it never happened?!
quote]
OMG same thing here!!!!
OK no A though, I think you state A happened in your sitch, right?
Or should I just be extra snuggly tonight & see what happens and go from there?
You could always go to bed naked, sleep sans clothing, and then snuggle -lol!
Definitely would be noticeable.
Yep. when our first son was 18 months old, he was deployed & felt that I had been neglecting him & he had an A over there. Supposedly no sex, but whatever. Doesn't matter - he was close with another woman intimately and that's what matters.
Second, he was deployed again. Supposedly met this chick that worked @ the hotel they were staying in out at a bar or something. She supposedly knew all about me & our son (still only had one). Supposedly she used her master key, went into his room & gave him a blow job. He kicked her out after it happened b/c he felt so bad about it. (Oh big F'ing waaaaah)
Third (that I know of) EA before & during D sitch.
Also, I'm still not sure if there was 1 or 2 women while he was deployed the first time. Truly I don't care. It doesn't matter. 1, 2 or 10, it's all the same thing.
This is the kicker. The way I found out about the first affairs was when he wrote me a letter & gave it to me when I was on maternity leave w/ our second son. Guilt had just gotten to him & he needed to clear his chest. Whatever -- I truly believe he was wanting me to kick him out at that point, but I was not emotionally where I could have done that at that time.
Or should I just be extra snuggly tonight & see what happens and go from there?
You could always go to bed naked, sleep sans clothing, and then snuggle -lol!
Definitely would be noticeable.
All right, for now, this is what I'm going to do & see what happens, how he acts, etc. I'll proceed accordingly from there
Did your mouths just drop when you read my last post about his affairs?!
[/quote]
You could always go to bed naked, sleep sans clothing, and then snuggle -lol!
Definitely would be noticeable. [/quote]
You know the sad thing about this though is that when I think about doing this (I am going to do it anyway) BUT I feel like I'm being desparate or something. Pathetic !! This is my husband -- I shouldn't feel this way!
Wow- that is a lot of cheating with several different women...
It would help if you had a signature line for people to read...
How's that?
Sometimes I wonder if he CAN be faithful. I think it would come down a self-esteem issue that I would not be able to *fix* for him. Sometimes I wonder if no matter what I do to lift him up, compliment him, make him feel special & loved & respected, support him in whatever he is doing & w/ his job, etc. that it will never be enough & he will need always need "attention" from another woman every once in awhile to reassure himself. Does that make sense?
I still am not sure if this is the case or not. I truly don't feel in my gut that there is OW right now. I could be completely wrong, but I just feel like there is something else going on w/ him & I just don't know what that is.
I'm going to do the naked thing tonight unless something happens to start a talk before that happens. Otherwise, that's what I plan and then see what happens from there. I will need to talk to him sooner or later though.
RedHeadWife,
Do you usually have R talks? Then I think sending an email would be good. It's changing the venue, plus it gives you time to think about what you want to say and gives him time to think about a response.
Hey Red,
I would check and see if he is in fact cheating again. You need to see what's up.
Also, you need to let this all out. You need to vent. If talking to him about the R is your usual path, then you need to do it a different way.
I would also try and initiate sex and see what happens.
I know how hurtful this all is. You question everything in your world.
We are all here for you.
HUGSSSSS
Actually, I don't initiate R talks very often. It's pretty useless really. Like I've said, to him everything is great & wonderful in his world.
What did you guys think about the email I proposed earlier?
You don't? Have you sat down and discussed anything in your M at all? You can't keep on pretending. Especially if you're not happy with things. It'll just keep eating away at you and you are going to have that anger and resentment continue to build up.
The email is good but will he respond to it? if so, then go for it. get it out there.
I've talked to him a few times & it just doesn't seem like anything changes. I always feel like I'm having to live up to some sort of expectations so that he won't leave again.
A thought just came to me. Maybe I feel like he just doesn't have any respect for me anymore. If that's the case, how do I get this respect back?
Then I think well maybe everything is "fine" & I still just am expecting the other shoe to drop. I'm always expecting him to cheat again or be unhappy again.
Just thinking out loud.
WOW Red.... we go way back. just saw your post.... Remember what two years go when you were planning on his return? Remeber the Kamono? ((sp)
Hey, yup, unfortunately, we've both been here a LONG time.
Well, talked w/ him & as usual got the nothing's wrong schpeel. Doesn't think there are any problems.
Maybe it is just ME. Maybe I'm just constantly on guard. I need to GAL!!
Maybe it is just ME. Maybe I'm just constantly on guard. I need to GAL!!
As far as all the A business goes and not having to worry about it again, I have one solution:
The world needs another Lorena Bobbit cruising down the highway with her cheating husbands Mr. Wanky flapping in the breeze.
It really is hard to trust him. I think BECAUSE of all the A's that is why I am so self-conscious and never think I'm good enough.
The thing about the A's that hurts the most is, when we got married I was supposed to now be special to him. I was supposed to be the one he chose to spend the rest of his life with and no one else & then he went & shared himself w/ someone else after he promised to cherish ME.
Last night was fine. We seemed to somewhat connect a little. I told him that I just didn't feel close to him anymore - that we need more alone time. I told him we don't even ever have any time to just sit down & talk & connect & I just don't feel as if we have been keeping our personal relationship going. It's like we have the kids & take care of all of that & that's it.
I told him that I don't want the boys to grow up & move out & for us not to have anything left after that.
Anyway, I feel kind of at peace with things right now. I'm just going to continue to try to do things that brings he & I back together. I'm going to make sure that, even if I'm exhausted, that I make sure we have some alone time after the boys go to bed. On the weekends, watch a movie together after they go to bed. Things like that.
Red,
NOT to sound mean but I think you have issues with yourself.
You need to start working on you lady. And I don't mean GAling.
Work on your self talk girl. STOP all of this negative stuff about yourself.
Think about riding down this path on a bike, you see a rock up ahead.Instead of thinking. "I'm going to hit that rock" think "how can I go around that rock" You say " I'm good enough" that is you saying "I'm goingto hit that rock".. You are good enough think about ways you can show it..
Plan a time with your H away from the boys. Picture it in your head. Think about where you want to go and what you two will do there. and make the reservations..
Doc
I did email him today & asked him if we could get a babysitter next weekend so we can just go out for an afternoon just the 2 of us. This weekend is out b/c we have to go out of town.
I'm just going to continue to be affectionate & try to connect w/ him again. I think that if I just continue to do that, we will be ok.
Doc, I don't think you're being mean. I completely agree with all you said. I do have "issues" w/ my self esteem. I always have, but the D sitch didn't help at all. There were a lot of cruel things said to me that I don't dwell on, but can never be taken away.
It also doesn't help that I've gained some weight & feel awful about the way I look right now. H does not mind, but I do.
I am going to do something about it though -- I'm starting a "boot camp" work out later in May and I'm really looking forward to it
I feel like you're worrying so much about making HIM feel good that you're losing yourself in the process. It's like he needs his cage rattled a little bit.
Stop worrying about what he is thinking and work on you.
I too had cruel things said to me but you can't take it to heart, even though it was from the one you love and cherish so much. All that hate spewed came from someone who was doing crap that wasn't right and someone who has no authority to ever put you down!
If you are unhappy with the way that you look, then do something about it. start taking some classes or walking/running/cycling.. I think that once you start showing a little more respect in yourself and put more time into YOU, H will notice those changes and will come around.
I'm not saying not to initiate sex or affection. That's not what I'm saying. But what I'm saying is that you need to work on you and stop worrying so much about him and why he is or isn't doing what a H should be doing.
I can't recall if you are in MC? I would suggest maybe either MC or a marriage workship of some sort to help you reconnect again.
hugs red!
RHW,
I know about the weight issue and have lost some but need to lose a lot. It's a big deal for women. It does affect your self esteem totally.....
RHW,
I know about the weight issue and have lost some but need to lose a lot. It's a big deal for women. It does affect your self esteem totally.....
This is a 'funny' thing with (x)W. She's always been "meaty" and that's just the way I like her. One would think that should boost esteem?
It also doesn't help that I've gained some weight & feel awful about the way I look right now. H does not mind, but I do.
I am going to do something about it though -- I'm starting a "boot camp" work out later in May and I'm really looking forward to it
I just started boot camp here this week! Good for you...I am tired of not loving my own body, and I can't expect someone else to appreciate it if I don't. The better you feel about yourself, the more confident I think you will become...for now just trust that he is with you because he wants to be, he chose to be. There was a time in the D process you both could have been done, but for whatever reasons, you are together instead.
It has to do with the way you see yourself, really not how someone else sees you. Think of all the people with eating disorders...it is all based on self perception. So maybe it affects women more. We want to not only feel good but look good too!
kat
I agree...I don't like how I look, my outside doesn't match the image of myself I have on the inside (strong, confident, fit....not like I want to be wasting away and childlike thin!!)...
I thought about it awhile back, wondered if the insecurity was bc my H cheated on me so much... But then I thought about how I would feel if I met a man who loved me just like I am and didn't think I needed to lose weight/get in shape. However, I would still want to, because it is about how I feel about my own body more than how others think I look...
Think of all the people with eating disorders...it is all based on self perception.
eek, I can realte to that, a girl I was dating in high school killed herself because of one.
OK, I am laughing here...
I don't like the way I FEEL with all the weight. It actually feels like I am wearing a fat suit- lol!
I just feel very blubbery- lol!
Hi Red,
Long time no 'chat'. Sad to hear what you are going through
It's really hard to get past the things they said and did when the M was bad and the A's happened. They DID break a promise they had made to us. Losing that exclusivety in a R is heartbreaking.....and to be verbally diminished by them lives with one a long time. I still have issues with it confidence wise. They have left one sort of half brainwashed with all that sh!t they said.
As you know, I was like you and the sexual side of things had diminished prior to A etc. Like you I have ensured that side of the R has been a lot better. What I would say I have noticed though is that my H likes to be the initiater/ pursuer. Perhaps you need to sit your H down and talk to him about how anxious you get about getting the balance right - explain that when too long goes by you worry that he might be looking elsewhere. Acknowledge that that might just be a hang up from what happened before so it would be great if he just was the one to initiate for a while, ( and you need to be careful not to reject when he does that), and see how that plays out. Say that that way it wouldn't be playing on your mind all the time, you would just be letting him take the lead - it doesn't mean you want sex less.....you just want to make sure you are not putting pressure on him.
Some men like the chase and the excitement of it......perhaps that's what the A's were about......so if you are just waiting to hand it out on a plate perhaps it isn't so exciting for him? Just an idea.
Still got my email?
No, but there's a sale at Penny's.
Hey, guys, nothing really new to report. H isn't feeling well. The only weird thing that happened today was when I got up, he was already up & kissed me on the cheek as opposed to a "normal" kiss. I'm not going to read anything into it -- I'm *assuming* it was b/c his throat was hurting & he didn't want to get me sick.
I went home to "check" on him at lunch (yeah, make sure he was where he was supposed to be, I admit) and he was sleeping. I lay down w/ him & he was stroking my arm, etc. & everything seemed fine & nice.
We're having some problems w/ our S5 right now, so if you pray, please add him to your prayer list. He just seems really angry right now. He's always had these bouts of periods of time where he gets really angry & we can't figure out what is going on w/ him. We've talked to his teacher, though, and this time, we are suspecting it's this other little kid he has started hanging around & doesn't seem to be a very good influence.
Anyway, that's all that's going on. I'm just still on the fence as to whether things are really ok or not. I'm leaning toward feeling that I'm just reading into things b/c of what has happened & he is absolutely just fine w/ everything. He doesn't ever talk about any issues in the R & he knows from the past that if he wants anything changed, he needs to talk to me about it. That was partly what led up to our D sitch. He was very angry & resentful towards me for literally YEARS of feeling rejected, lonely, neglected, etc. while I truly had no idea he was feeling this way. I have fully owned up to my hand in the downfall of our M at that point, but I still can't read his mind, although one time he said that the person he was going to spend the rest of his life should just KNOW these things.
He always talks about our future and there never seems to be any doubt that we will be together & doing everything that he has planned, etc.
No, but there's a sale at Penny's.
Love it!
He was very angry & resentful towards me for literally YEARS of feeling rejected, lonely, neglected, etc. while I truly had no idea he was feeling this way................... but I still can't read his mind,
I'd point blank tell him that. Coupled with the fact that you do not want to make the same mistake twice.
Oh, he knows this. I was just saying that he just thinks everything is fine & wonderful while sometimes I feel that things aren't necessarily going so well. I do then at times talk to him about things if it goes on for awhile & I don't see things improving in any way or still just feel things are off.
Most of the time I just figure out what *I* can be doing to make things better, i.e., being better about keeping up on laundry, etc. & not *expecting* him to help. Then usually he will notice, say thank you & usually step up on his end too.
I'm sorry to hear about S5. As you know, my s is 5 too and I will tell you that he acted out on us as well.
Kids have an amazing intuition and pick up on everything..
perhaps you guys should set aside some one on one time with him and do something special and even try to talk to him.
Mine was very angry because "daddy was always leaving."
hugs to you my friend...
Maybe you need to give yourself a mental break.
We've talked to him about it. Told him he can talk to us about anything, etc.
Last night, finally had a little chat w/ him that if it was attention he was after, he just needed to tell us that. He gets plenty, but maybe he doesn't see it that way. Sometimes it's hard w/ 3 boys! Anyway, we told him that if he continued behaving the way he was that the attention he was going to be receiving would be pretty negative attention and that it was going to start resulting in no TV, no Wii, no swim lessons, etc. I think it MAY have sunk in b/c he turned around quite a bit after that later in the evening last night.
I know how perceptive kids are. Unfortunately, he's had a lot to deal w/ in his little life - even though we tried to hide it, I'm sure the oldest and S5 kind of knew something was going on during the D sitch, then dad had to go to Korea for a year, then grandma & grandpa moved back to WA, etc.
RedHeadWife,
My hubby does a great job with "social stories" with our older son. He does it for everything. He makes up the kids names and tells stories about dealing with a bully, with someone who hurts his feelings.... There all made up but teach a lesson....
Red, hon, just hopped on and got caught up. {{hugs}}
OK, here goes: You have trust issues with him. For good reason. And they need to be dealt with. (Coming from someone slogging hip-deep through trust issues
)
That said...reading through all these posts with fresh eyes, I think the advice to work on yourself is REALLY important. I'm talking about more than just GAL and trying to be the perfect Stepford Wife so he won't want to leave. I'm talking about doing the hard work of finding and learning to LOVE yourself for who you are now, today.
Hon, you've got to let go of thinking that if you're enough for him he'll be faithful. His infidelity had/has NOTHING to do with you or your past actions. It was his choice, his weakness, his mistake. Sure, relational patterns have an effect, but his straying was NOT YOUR FAULT. (Have you considered looking into the possibility of sexual-addiction? The pattern fits: the As, the current 'lack of interest', living on the surface and saying everything is 'fine'.)
I understand the fear. I also know that acting out of fear isn't going to bring you the results you want. And it's a lot easier said than done. But whether you end up together or apart, you need to be at peace with who you are.
Love ya, girl. Hang in there.
Aud
((((Red))))
Long time since I caught up with you. I concur with everyone else: don't forget to devote some focus on yourself and building your own self worth.
I know, guys. I'm starting to see that all of this is really ME and my fears & insecurities. I'm going to make sure I start focusing on that and I'll probably realize that things aren't as they seem.
I need to keep in mind that I know my H loves me or he wouldn't still be at home.
RHW,
Wise insight I have to remember that for myself
I'm starting to see that all of this is really ME and my fears & insecurities. I'm going to make sure I start focusing on that and I'll probably realize that things aren't as they seem.
It's not ALL you...but those fears and insecurities definitely don't help.
Would it help you to take a look at what you ARE doing, and do it from this place: "doing this makes me feel good about myself and my place in this family/R", rather than this place: "if I don't do this, he'll leave"?
You have every right to have your radar up if he's acting strange. Are there any counseling services available to you?
Ok, so let's see if I can remember everything that has happened this weekend. It started out bad, but has ended w/ H going to the ER b/c he feels so totally crappy, but as far as our R is, completely fine & wonderful (and I'm not being saracastic
Anyway, so we go to H's mom's Friday night for his sister's college graduation (she's 30-something & is graduating after 15 yrs, but wanted her entire family, including cousins to be there & to give herself a huge party). Now, let me also back up b/c this comes into play here. We went down to SA awhile back, maybe a month or so ago. I had found a text where his sister had texted H asking if it was ok if she invited his ex-fiance from before me b/c she was still friends w/ her & would that make anyone uncomfortable. WHAT THE HE@@??!! I'll just stop there & cont on the next paragraph.
Ok, so I found this text a few wks to a mnth before this weekend we were there awhile back & we were all to go to the zoo together. Well, up to this point, I had not decided what to do w/ the intel I had (although H already knew I knew & knew I had been looking at his phone b/c I told him). Anyway, I finally decided I would just be honest w/ her, so on the phone before we were to go to the zoo, I just told her calmly that I was a bit irritated w/ her over the whole text b/c I would have expected her to have a bit more respect for ME to ask ME how I would feel about his ex-fiance being there. She had never asked to invite her to anything before & H and I have been married for almost 11 yrs! Why all of a sudden now? And why did she not ask me as well; did she not think my feelings about the matter meant anything? I mean this party was at H's mom's HOUSE, very intimate surroundings (house & backyard) not like I wasn't going to run into her or something. Did she REALLY think I wanted his ex-fiance at this party --- especially w/ how many times he has cheated on me???
Ok, H is back from ER so I have to go for now. More later. Man, I haven't even gotten to this weekend yet!!
Oh no Red! Please update us on what else happened! Hope your H is okay!
Ok, so H is fine. We're not sure if it is a sinus infection or just allergies or what, but we both just felt achy & like crap the whole weekend. Both feeling better today.
Ok, so SIL & I finally get off the phone after I tell her calmly how I feel about her texting H and asking about inviting this woman who happens to be H's ex-fiance to this party we went to this past weekend. She finally gets of the phone, saying "I'm going to go before I get mad." Whatever!
So 10 minutes later the door bell rings (I'm at H's mom's) and she barges through the house (I was out back) and proceeds to scream & yell at me for about 10 minutes, starting w/ "So what if my brother cheated on you a few times," etc etc. meanwhile my boys are in the house. THAT obviously pissed me off (that my boys may have been able to hear her say that stuff).
Anyway, I stood up to her, which she's not used to b/c she's a pretty big girl & has a pretty loud & upfront personality, but so can I when I want to, I'm just not as big physically as she is, but I sure can be as big in personality.
So she finally leaves. Later that night, her family came over b/c there had been a dinner planned & I was the first to say something to her (not about what had happened), but to break the ice b/c I knew if she & I ignored each other that night that the episode would continue for who knows how long. I guess I was just being the bigger person. So the next day, before we left to go home, I had her take me to the book store & just acted like nothing had happened. I know now that she's REALLY embarrassed by her actions & the woman was NOT invited to the party (or she just didn't show up anyway).
Ok, so this past weekend, Friday night we get there & this is now the party which we had the fight over & H's mom is being a royal b!tch to me the minute I walk in the door (and it's 11:30 at night for goodness sake!!)
I ended up crying in bed that night & H tells me I'm "personalizing" things. Whatever. I told him "I don't even feel like you love me anymore." He said "Of course, I still love you" and that was the extent of it. This is what I get from my H. Had I lay there crying & not said anything to him, he would have known I was crying, but would not have even said anything to me.
The next day, we were ready to leave for the graduation & my youngest wakes up (since we had gotten in so late & it was only 8:15) and he's coughing like it hurts in the chest & is crying about it. Well, I said maybe I should stay home would him & H's aunt could go in my place (she was going to stay w/ the boys). H's mom got P!SSED OFF!! Oh, my gosh, you would not believe her eyes. I finally said to her "I realize you're stressed about this party & all, but I really don't appreciate the attitude I've been getting last night & today" So luckily H says to me to stay w/ my baby (ok, he's 4, but he's still my baby), so I did & he told his mom that he & aunt would just catch up & they all ended up getting there on time.
So I'm sobbing. I told H I didn't realize why they were all being so mean to me. I was the one who just dropped that other whole incident & I didn't know why they were still mad at ME for it. I knew that SIL had already told aunt about it, etc.
When they all got home, though, H's mom hugged me & I told her I didn't understand, yadda yadda yadda & all was fine.
It still kind of pisses me off when my H doesn't stand up for me though, but I guess he knows I can take care of myself, but still. It'd be nice if he would actually say something to one of them when they behave that way.
The end result of all of this though was H and I seem closer for some reason. Even though he didn't stand up to me, I went out to where he was when I was crying the second day & he held me & we've just been closer ever since. I'm just hoping this feeling of closeness continues. I don't know if it will or not. I guess I just need to make sure it does with MY actions.
Was able to have a productive "argument" with H last night. We've never argued over the years, which is probably part of our problem.
Anyway, he may have to start working nights & there is a boot camp thing I want to do in the evenings. Well, he didn't see that it was kind of important to me to know what his schedule is going to be & acted like I had not told him the dates/times of the boot camp thing.
Anyway, I used a lot of "I feel like . . . " blah blah blah & it didn't escalate as much as it probably would have & I believe it was actually productive. Told him I don't feel like he actually HEARS me when I tell him things. Also, that he doesn't tell me important things when he finds them out & then even sometimes says he did tell me. Anyway, it all worked out & I think it was good that we got out what we got out.
This DB'ing stuff works !!
This DB'ing stuff works !!
yeah it does. I was always the lay down, "yes dear", "don't rock the boat type". Sure we'd "argue", but I always end up backing down.
Not anymore.
Today's our anniversary! 11 yrs.
Ok, not getting any responses but one over on SSM, so I'll throw it out over here too. I am going to take Oldpilot's suggestion & get my hormone levels checked, but here's the deal:
I have absolutely NO sex drive! I know one problem is my issue w/ my weight, but I just have no interest. This is how it was before the D bomb & I've made sure that we still have it regularly, but I would like to enjoy it too & I just don't. During the whole D sitch, I guess b/c of the drama or something, I couldn't get enough, but now it's back to how it was. I can just live w/o it & I don't really want it to be this way.
Any comments/suggestions/ideas, etc. etc.?
This is some advice from someone else that I read. I will put down for your benefit.
"I picked up some Goji Berries at my local asian store [or health food store]and thought I'd google to find out there benefits.Well in Asia there considered a strong sexual tonic.They increase testosterone in men and women as well as well being.I remember getting it a while back and having an increase in sexual desire [almost too much] I thought I just had a surge of estrogen but now when I think about it it's testosterone not estrogen that increases sex drive.Well I'll try again and see what happens.When I watch my husband and see how active he is I was wondering how I could increase my testosterone as I feel I am estrogen domanent.They also mentioned the importance of zinc as in pumpkin seeds and avocadoes for B6 which helps balance hormones."
Interesting & anything's worth a shot. Thanks.
H texted me yesterday "Have I told you today how very much I love you?"
Wow.
I have absolutely NO sex drive!
I think in part it's the feelings of rejection and flawed when everything went awry.
Yay! I'm glad H is engaging more!
Your posts seem a bit rollercoaster-ish, Hon: down/up/etc.
Any plans to work on your insecurities to help minimize future hiccups?
{{hug}}