Time to start a new thread.
It doesn't belong in Newcomers altough I'm not entirely convinced it belongs here either.
Journalling My wife are from Sydney, Australia and have been to absolute hell and back over the past 2 years with her PA/EA that started in January 2008. We have put each other through various hells beforehand - me being the culprit mainly with my anger, selfishness and verbal abuse. I was a pretty nasty piece of work to live with from time to time in the early years of our marriage and I regret this terribly.
My DB story begins in March 2008 and the entire tale is to be found here:
Part IPart IIPart IIIPart IVPart VPart VIPart VIIPart VIIIPart IXPart XPart XIAt the time of writing my wife and I are sleeping in the same bed, do everything together on weekends and when I'm home from work, have a sexual relationship and spend lots of time together with our baby son. He was born in December 2009 and I have confirmed with a DNA test that he is mine. W knows I have done this.
Things are far from perfect.
I will write more on here soon.
Best to all of you here in Piecing.
GH31
Welcome to Piecing GH31!! Dont worry about belonging here or not, many of us dont know that either...
I had being following your threads, I know it has been a long journey for you. Wishing you all the best in the future.
K
Hiya mate, so this is where you're going to be hiding from now on. I've been following your thread for some time too mate.
From the looks of it I'm supposed to be in the pi$$ing (oops meant piecing) thread too but I'm too lazy to update my sitch.
Greetings and salutations
Ditto what Kalni said, half the time we don't know where we belong, but at least it's an improvement over where we've been.
Will be careful what I write here.
I've had sex with my wife yesterday (twice) and twice the day before.
She talks about the future with both of us in it. All the time.
So what?
Neither she nor I wear our wedding rings. Neither of us say "I love you".
She cheated and lied through her teeth for two years. I struggle mightily with the resentment and asking myself whether I have a spine, character and self-respect if I choose to keep her as my wife.
I do know when she left I was never so motivated to do anything ever like I was to save my marriage.
I struggle with the fact that I let her treat me like a piece of dog faeces that she had stepped in. That's the worst part of all. I had never let someone treat me that way before.
So.... on we go.
I do know this. I love my son with every fibre of my being. He's 11 weeks old but I know he's my biggest reason for living and thriving.
Thanks to all of you for chiming in.
GH31
Hey GH,
That was a quick break - lol
WOW you are fast!!! LOL...
I know exactly how you feel (except for the sex part-LOL). I think the way of thinking, the range of emotions triggered are very common among the ones that have faced infidelity and the associated lying. Focus on the goal.
K
GH,
Unfortunately, it's impossible to have a good marriage feeling the way you do, you know, the dog faeces part. Somehow you have to find a way to really forgive her. And of course, she can't just get away with no remorse, either. The longer this stuff goes unresolved, the more difficult it gets to deal with. I know she refuses counseling completely. But the two of you have real work to do if you are going to stay together for your son.
Agreed with Lotus. Some of these feelings, will eventually pass in time as you reinvest in one another and you begin to feel more comfortable (ie-secure) in her presence. Will they ever go away? I don't think so, but I don't mean that in a bad way, for me so far, it helps keep me strong to remember what I've endured and chose to never endure again, at anybody's hand.
Hi GH
Just dropping in to say hi. I've been following your sitch in Newcomers and can relate somewhat to not being certain this is the R I want to be in for the rest of my life after BF's affair.
Does your W still bring up moving back to Europe? I would think that's not something to agree to until you know what you want.
It's been a long time since posting on here.
I had to stop in March as I found it traumatized me too much to spend time here.
Just getting on with life, working, taking a few trips, exercising and W and I are expecting our second baby this coming December.
Son is 10 months old now and an absolute joy to have around.
Still treading carefully with my W though much of the dreadful emotion has subsided. I don't think I would ever call myself a "success story" for fear of complacency and/or the #*!# hitting the fan again. Absolutely nothing is certain in this life.
I do not believe for a nanosecond that all marriages should be saved. Some really do need to end especially if you're grossly incompatible. Either way, DB is a great way to deal with the initial stages of a marital meltdown but is not itself sufficient (in my opinion) to rebuild afterwards. For one thing, both of you have to want to remain married. I can only speak from my own experience of course.
Still spending lots of time with my wife which is a good thing.
Hope all the guys that helped me in my darkest hour are keeping well. You know who you are
.
best,
GH31
Wow GH - Congratulations. I keep meaning to email you....but you know how it is - the days just fly by....and I don't know where!!!!
You have obviously been doing something right and it sounds like your W has calmed down some. I am happy for you and it's great to get an update.
Hi GH,
Congratulations! I agree with you completely that it takes more to rebuild a marriage than just DBing. I'm glad to hear that fatherhood is agreeing with you and it seems motherhood is agreeing with your wife. At least your life is not boring!
Thanks Lotus and Saffie!
Parenthood is agreeing with both of us, we're both very hands on with the little boy. He has grown up in a very loving home so far and I want to keep it that way, whatever happens to us.
DBing is not enough to rebuild, that much is true.
I would also say that it isn't possible for a man to get his cheating wife back unless mans up and takes a very strong, radical stand with her. I've never seen any man here or anywhere else win his wife back by being a sacrifical animal, doing whatever she wants and enabling her to have her cake and eat it too. I was guilty of this every now and again and I'm still dirt ashamed of myself for that when I stop and think about it. I wouldn't dream of doing it again, that much is true.
Hope both of you are doing great.
cheers,
GH31
Hello there guys,
I still lurk around here from time to time.
My W and I had a another baby in November last year (a little girl) just 11 months after our son was born.
We are OK, talking and planning what we'll be doing in the next few years and about moving overseas again, something we would both like to do. I still won't call myself a "success story" though and never will. Eternal vigilance is the price you pay for a great marriage and I have a very real fear that complacency would set in if I were to start calling myself that.
We do virtually everything together when I am around i.e. not at work and home at the weekend. We also send each other little cards and letters in the mail - she'll send stuff to my office and I'll send her something every now and again to our home so she can read it during the day when I'm at work.
I still struggle with waves of hatred, bitterness and resentment towards my W for her decision to have an A and get involved with OM. I hope that they diminish in severity and frequency with time. Trust is very slow to return. Last night my wife said to me "GH31 you are a very masculine man. The OM was a boy and you are a man ... and it's embarassing to admit that I felt those things for someone like that.". Whilst it's a pleasant thing to hear I couldn't help but ask myself why she would put me through that or if it was really worth it.
I'm very careful these days to consider W in everything I do and be a little milder with her even though she still thinks I can be blunt and harsh at times (she has a point). I also spend virtually zero time on the computer at home and we go out for coffee, walks or the movies at night wilst her dad babysits.
Reading some of my old posts, I have no idea how I survived it all.
Hi GH,
Always good to get an update from you. Anyone who thinks they have it bad should read your old threads. You did have a crazy time and the story could be the plot of a movie! At least you haven't had a boring life.
I do think that people mature with age. When I think back to how flighty I was in my 20's, it's so strange to me now. I hope that motherhood serves to settle your wife down.
My sister has a theory that people only think they do things for rational reasons. She says that we are just driven by hormones. And then we try to justify the things we do by coming up with reasons. But really, it's all just hormones raging.
My sister has a theory that people only think they do things for rational reasons.
There's much truth in this Lotus.
People cannot possibly claim to smoke for rational reasons. It's a filthy habit, makes you cough and stink, and it sharply increases your odds of a early and agonizing death from lung cancer.
The smokers know this to be true.
Yet, they still do it and half of all smokers will die as a result of their habit.
If reason dicated what the majority of people do, this entire world would be a peaceful, thriving and happy place.
Hi guys,
It's been a long time since posting but I still lurk around and read posts. I get very few chances to post nowadays with a wife, work commitments and two toddlers who absorb all my time. I wouldn't be without them though.
One of these days I will write a more detailed update but I don't know when.
A lot has happened in the last few years.
Thank you for posting! I am early in piecing and struggling with it. At first I was just so happy that our sitch had turned around, now I am dealing with the evryday complexities - the resentment coming back, the loss of trust, backsliding, complacency, expectations ....
Knowing that you have been all through this and you are still there gives me hope.
At times I almost want to give up.
Hi there all,
Not sure if anyone remembers me but I still lurk around here from time to time and have a read.
Time is very short now though with my wife, children and work using up pretty much all of my time. I also avoid spending too much time on the computer.
"Doing what works" and being ever vigilant is the life philosophy I try to live by. If you fall off the wagon (which you will every so often) then you get back on ASAP.
I have forgiven my wife for everything. Much of the "sitch" is a distant memory now. We even went back to the city where we lived when everything fell apart for a few days, for no other reason than we had some things we needed to do there, and I experienced no negative emotions. 4 years ago I swore blind I would never set foot in that place again. I took that as a good sign that things had moved on.
Still, I take it one day at a time and never take anything for granted. I once thought my wife would just love me for ever and never leave, no matter how much of an abusive jerk I was, and I had the rudest awakening of my life. There is no way that I will ever believe that again, in this world or the next.
Other than my family, creating prosperity at work and saying money is the next major focus.
I have found there are some wonderful resources out there. I have read The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman countless times and use it essentially as a marriage philosophy, especially the Chapters Turning Toward and Allow Your Partner to Influence You.
I listen to my wife, consider her point of view in all decisions I make and when she starts a conversation (usually with an opening question or statement) I say "Tell me more....." and she does.
Vigilance, vigilance, vigilance. No taking things for granted. I still will never call myself a success story because the journey is never over. The landscape changes but the journey itself does not stop - it never does and it is very dangerous to think otherwise.
Thanks GH. This was perfect timing for me to read that post. I do not know your story, but by reading your profile, I can see that we at least have some things in common. And everything that you wrote resonates with me big time. It has only been a month that my W and I have been working on piecing (if you can even put a start date on it at all). But it is encouraging to see someone who has been doing it for as long as you have, and who still remembers the things that he learned. That is what I hope for for me.
Thanks again!
Denver
Thanks for dropping by Denver,
It has only been a month that my W and I have been working on piecing (if you can even put a start date on it at all).
You guys are just getting started
.
But it is encouraging to see someone who has been doing it for as long as you have
Thanks. When I got started here I spent hours reading the threads of men who had succeeded in what I wanted to do i.e. getting their wives back and keeping them back. There weren't all that many back then but I did find some. The posters David and Nathan come to mind. There have been quite a few others since.
These are the ones whose acts you want to follow.
...and who still remembers the things that he learned.
With this, you have to look at it with the perspective of permanently changing your habits and your mindset.
When I got started, about a month after my wife left, I looked for examples of men who had made permanent changes to their lives, whether that was in marriage or anything else. It's like someone who has been fat all is life and decides he wants to be slim for the rest of his life. Well, it doesn’t take a genius to figure that permanent changes in one’s habits, thought patterns, beliefs, self image, attitudes and other things are necessary if this outcome is to be real.
After a while, new habits, attitudes and thought patterns become habitual and automatic which is good news.
Other than the guys who had done what I wanted in the marital sense, these guys were also a massive inspiration to me:
Michael Santos (prisoner and reformed drug trafficker)
Richard Jensen (reformed drug addict and criminal turned wrestling champion)
Rob Cooper (former morbidly obese taxi driver who lost over 200lb,
kept it off for over 20 years and who has since become a successful author, adventurer and businessman)
I have had a brief read of your threads Denver and think you have a great shot at this. Make the most of it, take your time (there is no way we can rush any of this) and make the choices which will make your marriage awesome.
cheers,
GH31
EDIT - FYI, it's not usually ok to post links outside DB...generally frowned upon, however, : ) How's about a warning?
Cut him some slack Jack!
Thanks GH! Another great post.
Wow I've had my knuckles rapped since I came on here last. Sorry about that Mr. Beans, shan't do it agin.
My wonderful wife and I are simply getting on with life and are very busy raising our two toddlers amongst other things.
We talk all the time - we ring each other during the the day and chit chat or do something together most evenings. We are both very busy with various things but seem to find a way of being busy together. For example she might be at the computer writing something (she writes a lot) and I'll be sat next to or opposite her and she'll ask me the best way to write something. Or she'll ask me to come and read what she's written. She is also very helpful to me for a book I'm writing at the moment and gets things prepared for me so that I can get writing when I get home from work.
I suppose John Gottman would call this stuff "turning towards" each other.
The idiot box (television) is hardly ever on in our house. It has been well over a year since my wife and I watched TV together and I think that is a fabulous thing. The kids sometimes watch The Wiggles in the morning on DVD or Mickey Mouse but other than that it's never on.
We still do silly things like send little cards to each other in the post. She sometimes brings the children to my office and then we go out for a family lunch together.
Last night I let her cut my hair (she likes doing that) after dinner and then we ended up making love twice which was good. We are still intimate physically even after 13 years together. Long may it continue.
Maybe it's my inner salesman/sportsman talking but metrics are important to me. The level of "togetherness" or "connectedness" can be measured by how much chit-chatting we do and how often, how much time we spend together and how frequent the sexual intimacy is. Don't get me wrong, I don't go through life with a scorebook in my pocket or anything (!) but I keep and eye on stuff like that. I'll always be more vigilant now than before my world completely disintegrated in January 2008.
Life isn't without its challenges though. We have to find a new place to live which isn't easy in our city and the kids are tough to deal with at times (they're children doing what children do) and I am doing extra work to get our household income up. We are on a mission to pay off all our debts. The most important thing though is for these challenges to be taken on together. All marriages, including happy ones have challenges and "real life" to deal with - how (and whether) you handle it together makes all the difference.
I've learned many lessons on this DB board but am no expert. My wife and I have been married over ten years but I am still very much a novice and learning every day. I can scarcely believe how much I've grown up in those ten years. No doubt I still have much more growing up to do.
Just so very grateful for my marriage, my family and for the passage of time.
GH31
Now this gives me some hope. I finally found a post that is a success story. I am sure there are lots more but they are scarce, and that scares me and discourages me.
Thanks GH31.
Hey FloydMan,
Now this gives me some hope. I finally found a post that is a success story.
I am not a "success story".
What I write about here is "the story so far" but the journey isn't over yet. I wrote to Denver2010 on his thread that the journey never ends. The landscape changes and you find yourself walking with your wife along beautiful beaches and breathtaking mountain tracks rather than crocdile infested swamps - but.... the journey is never over. You have never arrived, and if you fall for that utter delusion (as I once did), that's when complacency, taking her for granted and bad behaviour set in.
I am sure there are lots more but they are scarce
There are quite a few success stories but a lot of guys, once they get their wifes home, have much less time to come and post here. I am hardly ever here because I have a wife to spend time with, a job which absorbs loads of time as well as two beautiful little toddlers. Also, I deliberately spend as little time at the computer as possible when at home. For a long time coming to this board didn't help me that much any more and dredged up a load of awful memories. I was addicted to this board like crack and for a long time it was better that I didn't come and post here.
that scares me and discourages me.
If you want encouragement go and read the threads of men who have won their wives back and kept them back for a good period of time. Jack_Three_Beans is a quality example.
Have a look at Denver's, Starsky's and mine if you want (I'll consider myself more credible once another decade or two has passed).
You're welcome
Thanks GH31....great advice and I will look for more stories.
Currently doing 180 and Last Resort Technique for last several weeks.
Hello to anyone who remembers me.
Still have a look here very occasionally and posted very frequently from 2008 to about 2012.
Still married, still together, children are now 5 and 6.
No idea how I survived what I did. It took years to recover psychologically.
Hi GH31
Your W is a lucky lady you have been through a hell of a journey and she is lucky to still have you by her side!
Also nice to see someone still going and being happy, I'm only just on the start of my journey!
Hello GH31:
Thank you for coming back and sharing your story. Your story gives others hope. I am a newbie currently fixing my issues and hope that one day my H will see the change and want to return.
good to know there is hope and there are success stories! continued success to your marriage!
GH31,
I have been reading through your old threads, I believe I am on Thread 9. I don't know how you did it. I know you don't come on here very often, but how did you have the patience to deal with everything?
GH31,
I have been reading through your old threads, I believe I am on Thread 9. I don't know how you did it. I know you don't come on here very often, but how did you have the patience to deal with everything?
Hi KCRoo,
Thanks for dropping by. The honest answer to your question is that I have absolutely no idea. None.
I have no idea at all where I found the strength, patience and perseverance. I'm not sure if I'd even recommend people to hang on like I did because it came at a great personal cost. I struggled with PTSD-like symptoms for years afterwards and I regard my 30s as my "lost decade". I lost so much of myself in all of that and had to completely rebuild, both the marriage and me personally.
Hope this helps. Fighting for your marriage is worth it if you want it, and have the strength.
GH31
Another thing I would add to this:
Third child expected April 2017
Congrats - not sure if you wrote this in this thread or not!
So just bringing it over here!
Another thing I would add to this:
Third child expected April 2017
Congrats - not sure if you wrote this in this thread or not!
So just bringing it over here!
I hadn't mentioned it at all on this thread. Still can't believe we're having a third.
Well it gives me hope to see that you made it through a dire situation. Congrats on the new GH31
A bit of an update to my situation.
Beautiful baby boy born last week
Mrs GH31 is extremely brave to put herself through that a third time. He's absolutely adorable - absolutely loved to bits by his mother, father, older sister and older brother.
I absolutely love this post. I'm going to read through everything this week.
Thanks, GH31.
GH31,
I hope you are still lurking. I really enjoyed reading your updates after you and your W decided to recon.
I must agree with you that there isn't much here for recon and tools to help process thru it. I would really like more on this topic. I have a few questions, if you don't mind helping.
I also think, I'm going to have to take a break from here, I don't want to because I feel obligated to help, since I received so much wonderful help, but I can tell that coming here affects my mood, reading all the hurt, pain, and trauma caused in today's Ms.
I also want to say, that all I wanted was my W back while DBing, Now i'm lost to why I feel like running all the time. I think I have been emotionally scared, and probably have PTSD from her A. But I want to move past this.
How long did it take you to get over your W A?
What tools did you use to help you heal?
How do you see your W now?
Do you ever still get remainders/flashbacks?
Why do I focus so much on her A, and not understand how much pain I caused also?
I want so much to love my W and find a way to move pass all of this, but my mind and emotions are all over the place.
Looking for some help from another DB that has gone thru the fire.
Hello joejoe
I hope you are still lurking.
I come here every now and again.
How long did it take you to get over your W A?
Years. I am 42 now, turning 43 in a couple of months. I look at my 30s as a lost decade.
What tools did you use to help you heal?
In the early years post bomb it was booze, going out with friends and essentially reliving "wild times" in my 20s which I didn't experience back then.
Surfing.
Having laughs with my friends at work. They were a lifeline.
Then when the babies came I poured myself into being a father.
How do you see your W now?
Hard to say.
The woman I married and fell in love with is back. Her memory of events back then seems sketchy at best. Every now and then I have brought something up in passing and her memory of it seems vague.
On the rare occasions when I get angry with her I start thinking about the things which happened 10 years ago.
Do you ever still get remainders/flashbacks?
Sometimes. Much less often now.
Why do I focus so much on her A, and not understand how much pain I caused also?
Because being cheated on is a huge deal.
If your wife has banged another man it will unleash emotions you never realised you could have in you.
How much pain did you cause? I caused my wife a lot of pain, I was always aware of how much, even though there were times I felt like finishing her off.
Looking for some help from another DB that has gone thru the fire.
Hope I could help.
Best,
GH31
GH31,
Thanks for taking time out to respond to my questions. I'm glad to see your W and you are still doing good. It's also, crazy how during that time frame some many things are fuzzy in their memory. I guess it explains how they are such a different person.
My wife and I have made some strides lately. We are still working hard to make our M work. I get deflated sometimes/somedays, but I work to keep and open mind and understand the bigger picture.
Joejoe01
Still married,
Still together - for 21˝ years now,
The children are much bigger; they're 11, 10 and 3ľ years old now.
No idea how I survived or how our marriage survived in retrospect.
GH, thanks for the update. So you guys were in your early 30s when all this happened? And am I right to see that you guys R'd and started a family?
I love it, such a great success story. Would you agree that your marriage after R is so much stronger than it was before BD? I know I would say that about mine. But I have both experiences:
2005 BD: afterward did very little work, swept things under the rug, went back to the same dynamics after a little while. setting up:
2017 BD: dug in and did the work, made sure things were dealt with, refused to allow same dynamics to return, and feel that our MR is so much stronger today than it was pre 2017 BD.
GH, thanks for the update. So you guys were in your early 30s when all this happened? And am I right to see that you guys R'd and started a family?
Affirmative.
I love it, such a great success story.
I don't think of us as a success story, really. My 30s are my lost decade, it was about 8 years of absolute hell and I'll never get that time back.
We were completely broke and deeply in debt as a result of choices prior to and during this period.
But we worked around the clock and paid everything off.
Would you agree that your marriage after R is so much stronger than it was before BD?
Yes.
I've got Gottman's Seven Principles tatooed on my brain and live them every day. It's definitely stronger.
2017 BD: dug in and did the work, made sure things were dealt with, refused to allow same dynamics to return, and feel that our MR is so much stronger today than it was pre 2017 BD.
Yes.
THIS.
There is no changing the trajectory of your marriage without doing the
real work. On yourself.
In my case I went right back to the beginning, to my very first memories from when I was about 18 months old.
I love it, such a great success story.
I don't think of us as a success story, really. My 30s are my lost decade, it was about 8 years of absolute hell and I'll never get that time back.
We were completely broke and deeply in debt as a result of choices prior to and during this period.
But we worked around the clock and paid everything off.
This is success! I think of a Bon Jovi song lyric: "I can promise you tomorrow....but I can't buy back yesterday." The lost decade is in the past. Rearview mirror. Keep your eyes forward! YOU ARE A SUCCESS STORY!
My lost years were even more than a decade. All of my 30s and most of my 40s! But I consider where we are today from where we were at the end of 2017 as a huge success.
Are threads made invisible these days if they're inactive for a certain period of time?
Nothing to update really.
Wife and I are still together. We are now 46, the children 12, 11 and 5.
Busy as you can imagine.
We have been together for 23 years, married for 20 years.
We both deserve medals.
GH31,
I wasn't around to follow your story when you first started posting, but love to see the update - glad you and your wife were able to reconcile and are making it through life together with your kids.
Always good to see a positive result on the boards.
Wishing you well!
GH31,
I wasn't around to follow your story when you first started posting
Well, it was absolute, complete and utter Hell. It felt like a circular saw had been taken to my chest.
glad you and your wife were able to reconcile and are making it through life together with your kids.
It hasn't always been easy, but nothing worthwhile usually is.
Thank you, and wishing you the very same.
Not all marriages need to be saved. I am sure, in retrospect, that I would have ultimately prevailed, even if my wife and I had divorced. I am certain of that.
I've no idea really how we got through it.
Not all marriages need to be saved. I am sure, in retrospect, that I would have ultimately prevailed, even if my wife and I had divorced. I am certain of that.
I've no idea really how we got through it.
Hey G....I remember you....
It's been a hot minute...
I'm elated that you and your Wife have
worked toward a hopefully happy life together....
Hope all remains well down under !!!
All is well with us thanks, Mach1.
The normal vicissitudes of life - ups and downs - but the ups and downs aren't as extreme as they once were.
The kids are healthy, doing well at school, and they're happy - so that's all that matters.
The wife and I spend time together, just the two of us, and we still have a sex life.
Things could be - indeed they have been - much worse.
Might be time for an update soon, although there isn’t a great deal to update ;-)