I'm going to try to be as brief as possible because this would be a novel otherwise. If anyone happens to read and has questions I will answer them. I haven't posted here in a long, long time but right now just need somewhere to purge my brain and maybe get some fresh perspectives.
I've been separated for just over 4 1/2 years. Me-36, H-36, Son now 5. Known each other since we were 12, dated for 6 years, married for 6 years at point of separation (legally married for 10 years now). WAH, possibly something life crisis precipitated by our son. No OW, though he has dated since. I tried but freaked myself out so it never went beyond the phone and texting.
Divorce has been in the works for about 2 years and stalled at various points, not because of contention, but because of money for the various stages.
He ran hot and cold for the first 2 years or so of our separation and then stayed cold for a while. He filed for D, I accepted that this was probably it, refinanced the house in my name and started being happy again in my simple, relatively drama free, quiet life with my son.
This past summer he out of the blue asked if I would be interested in taking a day bus trip to the Bronx Zoo with our son later in the summer. Seeing as how I never said more than hi and bye to him while exchanging our son lately, it took me by surprise but I agreed to it because I hadn't been there before and one of the things that sucks about D is missing times like this with your kids when they do stuff with the other parent.
He did a few other surprising things in between that like random calls to me for no reason and ended up calling me in the middle of the night one night and insisted on coming over. He missed me, don't forget about him, blah, blah, blah. He spent the night, but I wouldn't have sex with him.
He asked me if I wanted to go with him and our son to see fireworks on the 4th of July that weekend a few days later but I knew by that time that he had already talked himself back out of whatever feelings he had resurfaced. I was upset for a few days, but honestly wasn't surprised and as a 180 I never said another word about it to him. A few weeks later we had fun on the zoo trip and I made it a point to act as if we were the happy little family we were pretending to be.
Everything back to as before until 2 months ago and he figures out how to text me. He sends me a text saying that sometime if I'm out with our son that it would be nice if I texted him to let him know what we were doing??? OK, it kind of felt like he was wanting to keep track of me but I told him sure, whatever. A couple weeks later he texts me again and asks why I haven't texted him at all.
Anyway, these small things (enough to get me wondering, but also make me think I might be reading too much into things) continue until a couple of weeks ago and he asked me to sign back up for MSN instant messenger and talk to him some night on it. He starts with how he wants to be a big part of our son's life every day and he's wondering if that's an option. He misses me, wonders how I've changed, etc.
Since then we've texted often and talk almost every night on IM for hours. Stuff about us, memories of the past, day to day stuff, lots of stuff about our son, but nothing firm as to let's try again and make this work. Which is ok with me because I want to take this slow because, and I told him this too, that he has a habit of saying one thing to me and then running in the other direction (he said, "good point" LOL).
Last night we rode together to our son's school for a parent teacher conference. We chatted but it was all weird at the same time. It's easier texting or IMing or even on the phone.
I don't know how to make that leap from talking to what seems like my old husband virtually to in person with this man who looks like the alien I've been dealing with for the past 5+ years? I still love him and want to be a family but it's been soooo long that it's hard to remember what it was like when their wasn't this weirdness, kwim? I put this part in red because I know anyone reading has probably dozed off by the time I actually got to my "problem".
OK, I lied and I sucked at trying to condense this. Sorry for the length.
Hey Lady,
Don't really have any suggestions only wanted to tell ya I know what you mean by...
"I don't know how to make that leap from talking to what seems like my old husband virtually to in person with this man who looks like the alien I've been dealing with for the past 5+ years? I still love him and want to be a family but it's been sooo long that it's hard to remember what it was like when their wasn't this weirdness, "
It has only been 2 years and we never separated (she sleeps in another room though" but ya it is hard to make that leap. It was so much easier the first time. I will be trying soon after the holidays. I don't want to jinx anything either
Doc
Thanks Doc.
Good luck to you.
My H and I talked about getting things back on track yesterday. This is a big concern of mine too. I don't know how I am supposed to act around him or towards him or with him..... or or or or! LOL!
I am not any help, but I can relate.
That's it exactly! I don't know how to act around him. I'm good with flirty and funny and all that IMing or texting, it's his voice and physical presence that throws me off and I think it's the same for him.
Journaling: I kind of got worried after the other night when we were at the P/T conference and it was all weird--started wondering if he was running back into the tunnel again. But he's initiated IMing and texting me since then a couple times.
When we were IMing the other night I told him about a DR. appt. I had that day and that I had a breast lump/cyst (99.9999% not cancer) that I had to have an ultrasound on and had a followup with a boob Dr. in a couple of weeks. He immediately said that he'd go with me if I wanted him to. That totally shocked me and really meant a lot. We'll see what happens between now and then because 2 weeks can be a lifetime in this rollercoaster, but that reassured me because that is something a husband would do for his wife.
He has our son this weekend and we were texting on and off all day and he invited me to go to the park with them. Unfortunately (or probably a good thing since it shows I have a life too) I was in a city a couple of hours away with my mother shopping so I couldn't go.
So for now, I'm still cautiously optimistic that maybe, just maybe, we'll be piecing some day. Maybe.
Freckle, It does take a while. You've been separated for 4.5 years. That's like dating someone new. You've changed and He's changed. Why not treat it like that?
Your old marriage is over and your old Husband is gone. Take it slow and get to know the new person your H has become. If you guys spend time together, ask him questions and really listen to how he answers. Learn what makes him tick. You said you've known your H since you were 12, correct? People change a HUGE amount from the time they're that young to when they reach their late 20's, early 30's.
Heck, you might spend time with him and realize you've grown so much that he's not what you want any longer. Trust me, those thoughts go through my mind as well. I know I do. In the two years since I discovered my W's affair, I've come to understand A LOT of things about my W that I either didn't see before or how she's changed and I've had thoughts that maybe (and that's a small maybe) I don't want to spend the rest of my life with her. It just goes with the territory. But then I think I realize that even though I'd give my right arm (yes, I'm left handed
) for her to not have had the A, the whole mess has allowed BOTH of us to realize where we want to be.
I think your H offering to go with you to the boob Dr. (love that description by the way and am glad it's almost certain it's not cancer) is a sign he truly does care about you.
But take it slow. In the end you might find that YOU'VE out grown HIM.
Journaling--Things are still going cautiously good. Lots of texting and IMing, mostly initiated by him. He's spent the night a couple of times.
After the first time he was quiet the next day but still contacted me to chat briefly. Admittedly I was also probably hyper sensitive and over analyzing every little thing but I tried to play it cool and keep my freakouts mostly to myself after that first day and he did warm up again within a few days. The last night he was here was 2 days ago and no bumps after this time.
Tonight we talked for hours on IM and he's invited me over Saturday afternoon/night, when he has our son, to his "bachelor pad" that he's lived in for the last 3 1/2 years that I've never been to.
Things are/were still awkward in person when doing the visitation exchange thing for regular weekends and Thanksgiving. It did sting that we still did our separate things for Thanksgiving, but I know it was way too early to put anything out there with our families.
The other day I told him my "theory" on this being like people newly dating and getting to know each other cautiously, but having a 20+ year history and being married too... and he thought that described it perfectly and seemed to understand my being reserved. It's the child exchanges that are the worst--kind of this big old reminder of the reality of the situation.
He's been opening up a lot lately and says things like how he wishes he was here, that if he lived here he could afford XYZ that we were talking about, he has ideas for our house, etc. Trying not to put the cart before the horse and take all that with a grain of salt.
One thing I've noticed this time is that he will bring up old memories--good ones--not the revisionist history stuff they do as they're trying to get away. That really is a huge change. The anger and the blame is gone too.
Of course I'm still sitting here waiting for the other shoe to drop and for him to scurry back into the tunnel. I hope this might he it, but time will tell.
I know I still love him deeply but I know it's not going to be easy either. I don't know if I'll ever feel completely safe (emotionally speaking--no abuse of any sort ever here) in a relationship with him again. Maybe that's a good thing though. That when you feel totally safe with someone is when you don't try as hard to keep the relationship alive.
Freckle, All sounds good, but take it S L O W.
I know where you're coming from with your comment about feeling safe. And you're right, maybe it's a good thing to not feel so safe. Can lead to taking your significant other for granted and that's the worst thing you can do to a spouse.
That weirdness you feel will last a long time. Get used to it. Doesn't mean it's wrong, you've just got a lot to work through. If there was no weirdness or you felt safe already, then I'd be worried.
That's it exactly! I don't know how to act around him. I'm good with flirty and funny and all that IMing or texting, it's his voice and physical presence that throws me off and I think it's the same for him.
Well, last night my XW and I went out alone for the first time in 18 months or so, post A, post D. My XW had eluded to wanted to "get back together" times before, but it never got out of the phone stage before blowing up. This time around, completely different. Came on the heels of our first dinner as family with our boys in 14 months last week, and XW said she felt really comfortable and "the missing", "the wanting" has been creeping in on her.
Last night, on the ride to our detination, I asked her about her day, what she did with our boys, just focused on her, something I failed to do for a long time. Somewhere along the lines I developed that "selective hearing" H's are infamous for, and ultimately it I made myself look I just didn't care about what goes on her life away from me. So, that really warmed her up.
By the time we sat down to watch a band perform, it was like the D, S, A, none of it EVER happened and we were both oh so comfortable because I think after that simple little ice-breaker ccnversation, we were our old fun loving selves for the first time in years.
I'm glad you have a nice time with your W last night! Yes, being listened to really means a lot to a woman. I think that's an automatic love language for females, kind of like sex is for males.
Keep it up!
We talked on the phone a bit last night too. He texted and IMed me while I was in the tub and got worried when I didn't answer (it was like 9 and a school night and the little guy goes to bed at 7) so he called a couple of times until I got out and answered. That conversation flowed good and I didn't feel any awkward silences. Of all things, we were talking about Tiger Woods and his current "troubles" most of the time. Ha!
Yes, I know I took him for granted big time. I "chased" him for so long and once I finally caught him and he stuck around, I guess I assumed that he was here to stay. I want things to go slow and I know in some respects they aren't exactly slow, but, well, I'm not perfect! It would be a huge adjustment for us and for our son to move back in together, so I don't even want that to be on the table for a while yet.
I was supposed to go over to his place Saturday night and he texted me that he was sorry, but he had been nervous all day about me coming over and that nothing's off the table, but he wasn't ready for me to come there yet and he wants to take things slow. I was upset, but tried to hide it and just said ok, I understand. He thought I was mad anyway. I was confused because he and I talked the night before and he was fine.
About 45 minutes later after I had time to think things through rationally I texted him that I was sorry I was short earlier but that I really, really appreciated him being honest with me [this past summer he just pretended nothing happened when he got freaked out and ran back into the tunnel and other times he's just made stupid excuses to me) and that I understood and don't want to rush anything either. Once I thought about it I did realize that him being honest about freaking out about us was a big deal and a huge change and I wanted to let him know it was ok. At the end of my text I said, "friends still?" and he said of course. I have to say that I think I handled this perfectly after my initial shock wore off.
He texted me again later and said he hoped we were more than friends and that he was sorry for freaking out on me. I reassured him I totally understood and that I was happy he was being honest about what he was feeling. He said he was embarrassed about where he lived but he did want me to see it soon. I told him that I didn't care about any of that and if he never wanted me to see it, I'd be ok with it. We talked for a while more and I did end up going over to see him. I made sure he was sure and I told him that I didn't want to go over only to have him get more freaked out the next day. He said he wouldn't.
We had a great time. Goofing around, talking, etc. My son was surprised to see me in the morning and thrilled. I made moves to leave early that morning because I didn't want to infringe on his visitation time or hang around past my welcome, but he kept finding reasons for me to stay.
He started texting me a few hours after my son and I returned home and we texted back and forth for hours. Some steamy stuff... but that was an issue before so it's nice to show him the changes. He hasn't retreated at all. We chat or text every day and it's mostly initiated by him--probably 75%.
All in all, I'm very happy with how things are going. I'm feeling more comfortable around him in person, even though most of our interactions are via texting or the computer. It is nice to be able to have that chance to edit your words before they fly out of your mouth.
One thing I've noticed is that he doesn't bring up a lot of things that were his "reasons" for leaving in the first place. Some things have come up and we've talked about them pretty rationally and he doesn't have that intense
"you did this" and "you never did this" thing going on when they start spewing in the beginning to justify what they're doing. It's as if the slate is mostly clean. We've acknowledged stuff so it's not like the elephant in the room, but it's not dwelled on.
I'm still cautiously optimistic. It's been a month now since he actually acknowledged wanting to see if we could work things out and even though he's gotten scared a couple of times, he hasn't run back away. Baby steps, baby steps.
This is like dating someone you think is specical, I know I was a wreck when I had my first date with my eventual wife. How she went out with me on that second date after I was a total goof on the first one I will never know.
Burt
Ha! She was probably so nervous that she didn't notice your goofiness and wondered why you wanted to go out with *her* again.
Ahhh, the second date was awesome. By the way I think you are handling this perfectly, let him alone and do not rush anything, let this be on his timetable, and if he goes back into his "tunnel" just turn away from it, he will come back out, like a little puppy that gets more and more comfortable.
Good luck!
Burt
Thank you Burt!
Since it's been so long, it's actually easier to squash down my expectations and to let things flow naturally rather than trying to hurry them up so everything can be "normal" again and we can forget about this whole little hiccup in our marriage. You know, how we all hope our spouses will have an about face and come running back to us after a few weeks of separation.
Journaling some more. We IMed for a while tonight and the conversation got to be about our cats. I have two cats, one of which one was we adopted 14 years ago together (her sister died last winter) and I got a kitten this past summer. He has a 2 year old cat also. Anwyay, he talked about how if our cats were all together we'd have to decide on a consistent feeding schedule/routing. Mine get mostly wet food and his is dry food only--not a big deal in the list of issues to blend households again if it comes to that. But it was nice to hear him talking that way.
He also asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him that honestly the best thing would be for the 3 of us (him, I and our 5 year old boy) to spend some of it together. I put the "some of it" part in there because it's probably too early to jump right back into the whole extended family thing and I'd probably rather not go that far yet myself. He actually said, "I feel the same way....give it to him!!!"
I'm very, very close with his parents still. They've become like another mom and dad to me after this all started and they still go all out for me on Christmas like they did when we were together. We've just been having "covert" get togethers all these years instead of the old Christmas day dinner and gift exchange thing. My family has no ill will towards him either. I've never trashed him to them (that's what this board was for!) so other than them not liking that he hurt me so badly, I know they'd welcome him back with open arms as well if I was happy. But it feels too soon to me right now. We'll see how it unfolds though. It's still 2 weeks away.
Another side topic of the cat conversation that came up, very unexpectedly, was religion. Neither of us come from religious families and have never been religious ourselves. I attended Catholic school through 6th grade, but mostly because my parents didn't like the public school where we lived. When we moved to a more rural area when I was 12 (to the school where I met my H) and I went to public school from then on. We were married in a Catholic church and mass because despite my ambivalence about religion, I always envisioned a Catholic wedding for myself (maybe all those years of Catholic school...
) and anything else didn't feel like it would be "real". My H isn't Catholic (baptized Methodist), but went along with my wishes for our wedding.
Tonight when we were talking about our cat that died last year, I said that it was hard to explain death to our son (then 4) without any religious base. Our son hasn't even been baptized. I always planned to have him baptized Catholic, but the Bomb came when he was 6 weeks old and it was the furthest thing from my mind back then so it never happened. So, tonight he said, "Then let's take him!", meaning take him to church. I told him that was the last thing I ever expected to hear from him but he said as long as he had some say in it that we should go. He asked if I wanted to be Catholic. I told him I technically was but I wasn't set into only one denomination. He said something about all the kneeling in a Catholic mass and I made a risque joke about that and he said, "I'm trying to pick our religion and your mind is on sex! Though I like that!" The "our religion" part was another nice validation of his current intentions.
Boy, am I long winded! I come here to get this all out though because absolutely no one in my real life knows anything about this. I don't want to get any of our families' hopes up or get ahead of myself. But if I keep all this inside I mind goes every which way.
For now I'm taking it day by day and am grateful for what I have at this moment. There are times when I feel my wall and porcupine quills come up (a good example was last week when he canceled the Saturday night plans because he was freaked out), but then I try to remind myself all the reasons I want our relationship to work out and for us to be an intact family and try to figure out what to say or do based on that being the goal. It was that line of thinking last Saturday that made me let him know that I was sorry for being short with him and appreciated his honesty and left him with the "friends still?" low key white flag. And dammit, it worked that time!
Freckle,
My fellow Town Clerk.
I just went over your thread and things seem to be going very well.
I have to agree with Hope though please take it slow. It can be a very confusing time for both of you as there are still things within each of you that are being worked on.
I will keep reading your posts.
JAK
Journaling--We're still maintaining the status quo here, which is good, IMO. We have contact every day, usually initiated by him--probably 75% of the time. I do contact him sometimes if I haven't heard from him, but never 2 days in a row.
He came here and spent the evening/night on Saturday with us. Our son was thrilled and made him promise he would spend the night. He did and was awakened by a 5 year old singing in his room at the top of his lungs, "There was a man who had a dog and Bingo was his name-o..."
Only when you're 5 do you wake up at the crack of dawn and start singing like that!
It was H's birthday on Sunday so it was nice to be the first one to tell him happy birthday. It was very hard to figure out what to get him. I haven't bought him presents in years and years and Hallmark doesn't seem to have a line of greeting cards for estranged husbands who might be returning from outer space. LOL Sappy cards were always our things. We both always took the time to pick out cards that meant something in what they said, but I knew it wasn't the point yet for sappy and mushy. In the end I got him a flirty card referencing frosting and a bottle of cologne. He left late morning. I texted him last night saying I just wanted to tell the birthday boy good night. He thanked me again and said he loved the boy perfume (what our son called it) and we chatted for a bit more.
As always I start getting antsy the next day after we spend time together because I'm still expecting him to bolt back into the tunnel. He did text me tonight to say hi though (whew, no runaway H yet). He said he had a horrible day at work and was sorry he was feeling so crabby and didn't want to take it out on anyone, especially me. I told him I understood and that I hoped his day was better tomorrow. We texted back and forth a bit more.
I'm grateful that he thought and wanted to say hi to me even though he was in a rotten mood. He's the one that would always take my mood personally when it had nothing to do with him, but other than it making me sad that someone I care about feels rotten, I don't take it personally if it doesn't have anything to do with me. He kept apologizing for being in a bad mood (which doesn't come through in texts really anyway...) but it means more to me that he reached out to me anyway.
Things really do sound like they are going well Freckle.
Very good job at validating H's feelings.
Yes only a Five year old would wake up singing!
One of My 5 year old grandsons is Autistic and he wakes up humming last years Christmas songs still. I am waiting for him to get a new set of songs humming here. Should be soon though thier concert at school is this week.
JAK
Journaling--Things are still pretty damn good. I'm still worried about jinxing it though.
I'm really excited for Christmas in a way that I haven't ever been. Our son's first Christmas was about 5 months post bomb. We were separated for his second, but H came over that morning. Up until the week before we had been kind of trying to work things out since Thanksgiving, but he crawled back into the tunnel with the "it'll never work" mindset again. He had presents for me that I refused to open and I spent most of the time he was here in the basement, chain smoking, and sobbing. The next year, our son's 3rd, I invited him to come that morning for his and our son's sake even though we were barely talking, but he said, "I probably won't bother". Just as emotionless as it sounds and he didn't bother. I never invited him again for the next two years.
The plan is this year he's going to spend Christmas Eve here so he can be here Christmas morning. For the first time ever, we will be together for a "real" Christmas morning as a family. Complete with an excited 5 year old ripping into presents with wild abandon.
H kept asking me what I wanted for Christmas and I really can't think of anything better than that.
I feel very fortunate right now. I don't know what the future holds but no matter what, I'm thankful for what I have right now. Happy holidays everyone!
Freckles,
How did it go?
Hope your Holiday was very nice.
JAK
Hi J. Hope you had a good Christmas!
Mine was very nice! H was here all morning then we went to his place with our son. From there I took S to my parents' and after that H took S to his family thing. H brought S home to me Saturday morning and we all hung out here until Sunday afternoon. It was awesome.
Yesterday I got some stuff in the mail from his lawyer and that threw me for a loop. It was the revised divorce paperwork from some court stuff we had in July. I thought he had to pay some extra money to his lawyer to get this stuff prepared and filed so I guess he did--but he could have done that 3 months ago... I guess now all it needs is the judge's signature and we'll be divorced. Go figure!
It really is just a piece of paper at this point (we've been apart 4.5 years), but it still threw me. 12 months ago it would have made me feel relieved that that part of my life would finally have closure. Now? Obviously things are different. LOL I haven't said anything about it to him. We're still in contact every day and even flirting back and forth texting at this very moment, so I'm going to try to compartmentalize the legal stuff and keep it separate from what there is between us right now.
During this past month or so that we've been spending time together I've even thought that it might be best to finish the divorce even if we reconcile. Kind of a symbolic end to all the crap of the last 5+ years so this can be a fresh start. I guess I just don't like getting tangible reminders of the symbolic end in the mail.
Had a great NYE with H. He brought champagne and everything! I haven't been kissed at midnight since before my son was born. The last NYE before he moved out was horrible. He was out and I couldn't get a hold of him until 4 a.m. And there I was at home with a 6 month old baby.
Last night made up for that though!
Things are really feeling good. I'm still scared to get too hopeful about things but it's going on almost 2 months now. In all the back and forth with him the last 4+ years apart, never has it lasted this long and never have we been in a place where we talked/texted/IMed as much as we do every single day now.
Last night he said he almost brought his cat over with him! That would have been interesting. I have our 14 year old, very lazy and docile cat, my 5 month old obnoxious kitten, and he has a 2 year old cat. We talk about his cat putting my kitten in its place so she leaves our older cat alone.
He was telling me about a largish bonus he expects to get at work in the near future and started teasing, saying, "I'm going to have a flat screen TV." I told him that I wouldn't have one any time soon and then he said that maybe we'll share a flat screen TV... He does make lots of comments about doing this or that to the(my?) house so I know it's on his mind to some extent. I still think it's too early, but I'm not as scared about it being a complete disaster anymore. At one point last night he was talking about how picky he is with things being in their place and his little cleaning idiosyncrasies. I was like, "Hello. I know all this. I've lived with you for quite a while and married you." He was like, "Oh, yeah!" and laughed.
Oh, and another one for the "out of the mouth's of babes" book: I asked my 5 year old today if it's going to be a good year this year. I told him that I thought it would because it's started off pretty nice so far. He chimes right in, "Why? Because your husband was here today?"
I've been able to catch myself in plenty of time, but more and more I find myself almost about to say ILY to him. Not even as some huge declaration of feeling, but just the random ILYs that you throw out there without thinking in a normal M. Must not go there yet!
congratulations, that is great news. I am inspired by success stories like yours.
Thanks Hope. I don't know that I'd call it a success yet. I feel like I'm tempting fate by even posting in this forum...
I read where you spent the day at the beach today. *I'm* jealous of that! The wind is howling here and there's a foot of new snow in my driveway that isn't snowblowing itself.
H came over last night after it had been snowing all weekend. A mile away from here his truck went into a ditch. Someone passing by gave him a ride here. This morning he realized he didn't have his wallet and didn't remember if he had brought it. After S got on the bus we went and shoveled around his truck while waiting for a friend of his to try to pull him out.
Tonight he texted me after work and said his wallet was at his apartment thankfully. I told him I felt like I gave him bad luck when he comes here because he either misplaces his wallet (he left it here once before and I didn't see it until later in the day and he was freaking out about it looking for it at home), make him late for work the next day, or now I make him drive off the road.
He then said, "All of the problems would be solved if I lived there. No reason to be sorry." It caught me off guard and I lightly replied that I was worried that I'd have to learn some new tricks to make it worth his trouble to come over here during the week and he said for me not to think too deep, that it was just a solution to a problem.
And I think we'll be divorced any day now... I have the state's website set up to email me with any changes in the case so I'll know the day after the judge signs it (if that is the only thing left). Ahh, irony. We're closer than we've ever been to possibly working things out and a hair away from being divorced.
Wow, remember the D papers are just that - papers. I will have to catch up on your sitch, but I've noticed quite a few people who have pieced their marriages back together after the D was settled! Sandi2 said sometimes it takes a D to finally and truly drop the rope and that is a better starting point? I don't know. Remember your experiences and feelings together matter more than a piece of paper.
My sitch is similar. Now that we are settling our legal separation any day now, we have started MC and are doing better than ever. ???
Where do you live? I'll send some California sunshine your way!
I'm actually itching for some snow - may take S to the mountains this weekend.
PS our sons were born the same year too!
I'm in upstate NY. I can't remember the last time I've seen the sun! It might show back up in late March...
Well I just got up here to the mountains to catch some snow with my son. Looking forward to sledding, making snowmen, and drinking hot chocolate.
Yay! Have fun with the little guy. 5 is such an awesome age for a boy and his mommy.
How's it going Freckle? Thanks for your response on my thread. Your NYE kiss still gives me hope!
Thanks for checking in Hope. Things are still pretty good here. We have contact every day.
He had S Friday night as per our usual visitation (I work Friday nights) but brought the two of them here for the 2nd night (Saturday). The weekend before he had mentioned something about breakfast and this weekend he brought bacon over. So Sunday morning I got to cook a big breakfast for us all.
OOOH big breakfast! That should be a good bonding experience - food! I'm so glad he came over with your S, sounds like you are getting closer. Keep it up! You're my inspiration~
Went with H this morning to watch our 5 year old read a couple of sentences about snowflakes in a school assembly. He is easily the cutest and most brilliant child in the universe (even if he did forget to wear underwear to school one day last week). Sorry all Earthlings and possible extraterrestrials!
There is something special about being with the one other person that also thinks that.
Last night H started talking about taking our son on a camping trip this summer. I told him S would probably love that, but that H might need a vacation after 3 days with him alone in the woods. He said, "You'll be there too!" which was nice to hear.
Summer in NY is a long, long time away yet. He asked me to start researching someplace to go and how much he had budgeted for it. He also asked me to think of other places to go and things to do this summer. He even brought it all up again this morning.
It's really strange to think that far into the future with the 3 of us. Our son was 6 weeks old when he first dropped the D bomb so there never really was any history of me, H, and S as a family unit and doing things moms and dads do together with their kids. And now to be making plans as a family 6+ months down the road... If this keeps up, I might actually have to admit we're piecing!
Girl, admit it. You are piecing. My H still has yet to go on a vacation with us and we are piecing!
Congratulations, this sounds so positive. You let him invite you and he is seeing you as a family unit in the future. Get used to it!
And how sweet to see your perfect genius of a child read in school assembly! I have no doubt that after my son, yours actually IS the most special child in the universe! lol!
My S5 read an entire book out loud tonight before bed. My H was here and got it recorded. Good bonding experience for us too - so I know how you feel. We were both just radiating with pride!!! Heck, we did something right, didn't we? Our gorgeous children!
Yeah, I made sure not to assume the camping thing was something I was being included in. We were texting last night and I was looking online for places to go and telling him about them. He was excited. He wants to camp on an island that you have to boat to and preferably alone. I guess we're going to look at the places online together and pick and make reservations because apparently camping with no electricity or running water or even toilets on a deserted island is in high demand. Even without the $1 Survivor jackpot as incentive! Go figure. LOL.
The last time we went camping was when we started trying for a baby and we got totally rained out and came home early only to have much of the northeast US and some of Canada lose electricity for a day. We were at least dry though! We still have our killer tent though which has been gathering cobwebs ever since.
We'll have to call a truce on the perfect 5 year old kids. You can rule the west coast and we'll cover the east cost.
Just found out that my D was final on Friday!
Crazy, huh? Some people don't feel safe enough until that clear separation. It's only paperwork. Feelings are what count.
I don't even know if that had anything to do with it. It was filed almost 2 years ago and it was a matter of time. It probably would have been a mess to cancel? Who knows. This is the one topic that has not come up at all over the past few months.
It doesn't bother me under the circumstances. It is a piece of paper. We lived together for almost 5 years before we married--moved 900 miles away from family and bought a house together in that time and had all our money joint, so even though I loved our wedding and it was the happiest day of my life, for day to day realities, it was a piece of paper then too.
I can always be in denial and say that since we were married Catholic that according to them, we're still married despite what NY says.
I think I'll text him later and say that now I won't have to feel so guilty about sleeping with a married man. LOL
Bit of a upheaval to find yourself piecing yet D at the same time ((Freckle)) just try to focus on where you are going and not whats left behind.
Freckle,
For me and my "W", I truly think the D HAD TO happen in order for us to even have the remote possiblity of a second chance that we are in now half a year later from it.
It brought closure to the M problems. It brings me no shame now to say the M was in fact irrevocably broken. Everything that transpired up to the S clouded over that happiest of days when we married.
Give it time, and I think you may find that relief.
And also as I type this, I am reminded, I could have chosen anyone, and so could she. We are after all free to go. But here we are, and I'll tell you what, since our original day is wrecked, I'm starting to favor the idea of doing it all over again.
With a pre-nup of course
Thanks Lost. Last year at this time I would have been sad, but relieved at it being over. It's been hanging over my head for almost 5 years. I'm not even sad now, though it does feel strange to realize I'm not married anymore. We've been separated for roughly 4 out of 10 years of "marriage". It was semantics by this point. We were together far longer than that unmarried and seemed to do a better job at it. LOL
DDay, would you get remarry your W on your original date?
Even if my H and I end up happily ever after, I'm not keen on getting married again. Maybe someday 30-40 years from now when we take an old people's chartered vacation to Las Vegas or something it'll seem like a good idea--complete with an Elvis and everything!
For now, like you said, I'd rather be together because we've chosen to be. We have matching last names already.
I still have good memories of our wedding and happier times. Maybe because there was no 3rd party as the reason? But I'm very disillusioned as to the whole for better, for worse thing. After going through all this, I firmly believe that "marriage" isn't something that can be created or severed by a legal document. It's what's in the heart that counts.
Now, how does one celebrate an un-honeymoon? LOL
Talked to H on the phone tonight and I broke it to him that we were officially D. We laughed about it. He didn't know yet. Then he talked lots about living here and some things he wanted to do with the house.
When he starts talking about moving here, I never really encourage it--I agree that the ideas he has fixing up the house are good (they're usually things we talked about and agreed to years ago) but I'm long past the "come home, come home" stage of desperation. If it happens, I want it to be his decision. Not that I don't have a say in it, but I don't want to influence or persuade him.
It actually feels like when we were living together for so long and would talk marriage. I never brought it up and never pressured. He was feeling pressure to propose from our families and I told him over the years that I would never give him an ultimatum or try to talk him into getting married, because I don't want to marry someone I have to threaten or trick into it. And he did eventually come to that point on his own and he was so excited to propose.
I'm not going to beg him to move back or even try to sneakily convince. If it's meant to be, it'll happen when it's supposed to. I know that's what he wants (I assume if he didn't he wouldn't be mentioning it so much...?) and I obviously want to be a family again too, but only when the time is right in his heart and head. It's still too soon right now anyway, but I do feel more at ease with the idea as time goes on.
We talked more about making camping reservations for this summer (!!!) and again about taking our son to church (assuming it doesn't burn down when I walk through the doors).
When we were saying goodbye for the night, I said "goodnight ex-husband". I think that'll be all I joke about that with him though. What matters is right now. We are a family regardless because of our S and we have a looooong history (Saturday was the 19th anniversary of the first time we....
-19 years!!! Holy crap.). The D being finalized is just another blip in there. I'm more interested in today and the future.
Like DDay had a dream about remarrying his W the other night, I had a dream we were in bed about to go to sleep and he told me he loved me. That's what I'm hoping for in the near future. I know he does, I just want to hear it from him.
Fantastic news. You must be feeling great. I am so happy for you. You are a family and that's what matters.
Echo H4L being a family doesnt necessarily mean you have to be married. Just enjoy what you have and like you are doing smile at the irony of it all! So pleased that some how it seems to be going full circle for you. (())
Well Freckle,
It sounds like you may very well be in the same boat in that it took the D to finally let all the bad stuff go and get back to the brass roots of why you two fell for each other in the first place.
As Lost Rabbit said, you don't have to necessarily re-marry, that's a matter of personal choice and how your feelings have been or re-develope.
For me, it's a trivial issue. I can not stand to call my ex-wife, and in recent introductions to new friends of hers since we seperated, she still calls me her husband. I think it's a matter of what the heart says. I've never had to answer to anyone else ever in my life until answereing to her became a third of it.
One thing she did do right after the D was over, and I mean right after, was change her name back to her maiden name as I had requested, it pained me too much for her to keep it. She tore our family apart, and therefor I felt she did not bare the right to have the same name as myslef or children whose life she impacted so horridly with what she had done. So, that spoke vulumes that somewhere under her cloak of WAS, she was still in there somewhere.
And you touch on a point of my M that had always lingered in the back of my mind. 2 years into the M, we had a falling out. And it was at that point I was stressed to find myself married with 2 kids, being so young and unsituated myself that I had concluded that I married her for the most because she was pregnant and it seemed the proper thing to do. Sure I loved her, but that was a huge factor.
If we were to re-marry, that would not be the reason (hopefuly, there's some weird things going on I touch in my thread from time to time). If we are to re-marry, this time it would be for us and our own personal decloration to each other.
As I've said, in my heart of hearts, she has been and will always be my wife, no matter how this turns out. She is the only one I will ever marry again. Only for the said reason.
Our wedding and all that what amassed with it, is lost, other than the memory and a few trinket items. However, the date has always been synonimous in our daily lives. W would always make it a point to stop everything we were doing, call or text and say 'happy anniversary' at 10:17 everyday, each time. We now just exchange pleasent message wishing each other well at that time, but ew can't shake it. We've also both confessed that during the seperation and D, for whatever the only time we'd ever look at the clock during the day or night, it alwasy read, 10:17. So, we have obviously never shooken that natural sense.
Ironically now as we peice, that time still haunts us. Several times when we've gone out for a bit after getting the kids situated for bed, the moment I'd start my truck up, the clock would come on and it was? 10:17 (including and most importantly, the first night we went out alone and ended up laying the first bricks to where we are today). Several times we would have been out and needed to get back 'home', when we'd check the time to see how late we were? 10:17.
That said, yes, if it does so happen to re-marrying is in our future, it will be on the same day, it's our day has been, and continues to be.
Mushy and border corney I know. However, it's just one of those 'fate' things to us.
Had a great weekend with H. His visitation with our son is every Friday night and on every other weekend, he keeps him until Sunday at 12. This was the two night weekend but on he and son came here last night and stayed.
H brought his cat. To see how he got along with the 2 cats here. Is this a big step? LOL Like introducing "my kids" to "your kids" when you're dating another single parent? I have our almost 15 year old cat and a 6 month old kitten. He has a 2 year old cat. The kitten decided to show she was tough and hissed and his cat spent most of the time hiding under the recliner in the living room. His cat did walk around the room a bit this morning. There wasn't even any paw swatting. I call it a success. H spent the night kicking my butt bowling on the Wii. For someone that was making fun of a game system that "makes you flail around like a dork just to play", he's quite into it now. I do have a suspicion he is just using me for my Wii.
This is feeling more real every day. It's been almost 4 months since he started reconnecting (and I didn't have a clue what it was all about) and almost 3 months since he spit it out that he wanted to be a part of our lives again. He was the king of back and forths early in our separation, but it'd be a few weeks of connecting, max. Other than that "freakout" text early on that I'm still patting myself of the back in the way I handled it, he hasn't wavered at all.
We haven't fought or disagreed at all. We talk about our past casually and remarkably he remembers again all the good times we've had. You know how when they want out history is rewritten and they were never happy... There has been absolutely none of the previous MLC/WAH anger there was years ago with the "you never..." and "you always..." I don't feel any anger either, amazingly.
I do find it hard to sleep with him in my bed. It's been so long that I've been sleeping alone... It even took me two years before I stopped sleeping on "my" side and took over the middle of the bed. What's funny though is that "my" side was/is on the far side of the bed and I do still walk all the way around to there to get in--even when I'm the only one there. I got used to sleeping without the freight train snoring... But when he curls around me in the mornings it makes up for that.
WOW there is hope!What do you think made him want to start coming back and being a family again? You are living proof that time is on our sides.
I really don't know what changed for him. For a few years we really had no contact except the briefest of words regarding our son when absolutely necessary. We never fought or got ugly about anything--that was even kind of our problem when we did argue. We'd get mad and not speak for days until someone caved which wasn't any healthier than what you and your H did-- just the other end of the spectrum. It's been like 3+ years of that. LOL
I guess for now I am proof that X amount of time isn't too late, because 5 years is a pretty long time. Though I don't think I'd advise anyone to wait around that long either.
Until this summer when he poked his head out briefly, I had accepted it was over for good. Literally like a week before he started calling me for stupid reasons (like to ask how old he was...) I had burnt a pile of cards he has given me over the years.
LOL I've taken all the photos down of H but still cry over the cards....well I guess the secret is to prepare for the worse and really be ok with it being over.
Thanks - I know none of us have done it perfectly - it is what it is. Good job - I'm so happy for you and your Son.
I had accepted it was over for good. Literally like a week before he started calling me for stupid reasons (like to ask how old he was...)
hmmm, this completely echoes my sitch.
Hey Freckle whats going on with you atm?
Hey LR.
I'm happy to say same ole, same ole is going on here. For the first time in half a decade that is actually good news!
Had some mix-ups with our income taxes this week and claiming S which ended up with H having to ammend his return and thus getting back a lot less. It worried me to bring it up and I was afraid he'd get upset with me, but he didn't.
5 year old son has pneumonia (these kindergarten sicknesses suck!) so last night H picked S up and brought him here instead of his place while I was at work. It was nice to come home to lights on and someone here smiling and waiting for you instead of a cold, dark house. I could get used to that. That and waking up next to a warm body that doesn't have claws and a furry tail.
However, I think he's just using me for my Wii. He busted my chops over it a couple months ago thinking that having to move around to use it was dorky. Now who's obsessed with it and challenging me to bowling and archery games for hours on end? ;D
Great to hear your getting some fun back in your R.. I tease H he only came back for the cat, she is his little babycakes he adores her and she him! He is away this weekend and she came into the bedroom and started rooting around his side of the bed looking for him bless her.
Just be careful of the pnuemonia, taking it that as you said it was a kindergarten sickness it might not be the same thing, Im in the uk so wouldnt know. I had pnuemonia at thirty seven and it knocked me for six, took me three months to get back to strength. I was before fit and healthy and it came out of the blue. Just expect him to be quite tired for a month or two depending on how serious he has it.. Hope he feels better soon poor little sausage I still hate seeing my S (21) when he is ill..
So glad the warmth and light is returning to your home. Well deserved.
And pnuemonia can be deadly serious so get those antiboitics pronto and keep a close watch on him.
Glad you are all together through it!
Thanks guys.
The Dr. gave S a 3 day course of Zithromax which he finished yesterday. He was having a rough time last night, but is perkier this morning and not coughing so much.
I am watching S closely. I'm paranoid about it because 4 months after H left, my father was so tired all the time. One day when he had to stop while driving home one morning because he couldn't stay awake, his Dr. told him to go to the ER. His oxygen level was in the low 70s. They admitted him right away and hooked him up to O2.
In the middle of the night they had to call my mother because he still wasn't getting enough oxygen with the mask. They put him on a respirator that night and he was on that for the next 5 weeks, mostly in a medically induced coma, trying to clear his lungs from pneumonia. When he was weaned off that he had a tracheotomy for two weeks before he finally got to go home 70 lbs lighter. That's my only real life experience with pneumonia so I'm very paranoid!
Of course S isn't a fifty-something 3 pack a day smoker. 5 weeks unconscious got rid of that habit though!
Occasionally paranoia is good hun, especially with littlies you cant be too careful.. sounds like the antibiotic he had been given is part of the erythromycin group, its one of the strongest antibiotics, although we do everything in five and seven day courses over here. Its the right thing for the job only trouble for me is I am allergic to it, trust me to be awkward.
I'm allergic to erythromycin too! We got it flavored at the pharmacy and when we got home I almost went to taste a drop of it first to tell him if the flavor was good until I realized what it was! Not that a drop probably would have done anything to me, but you never know.
He has a low grade fever again now, but is happily watching DVDs and munching on his second mini bag of microwave popcorn. Popcorn,of all things! That was the only thing he's wanted besides juice (thankfully) or popsicles. It's full of fiber though so at least it's something to fill his belly. Definitely no school again tomorrow though.
And to keep on topic for the board, it's so nice to actually have my H's support at times like this. Even if he's not here, knowing I have someone who is as concerned that I can talk to is priceless and if I asked, he'd be here in a millisecond.
I've gotten very used to the day to day drudge work of single parenting, but I had never gotten used to being in it all alone. No backup. No breaks. If it wasn't his visitation time, he pretty much forgot (or at least acted like it) son existed. Never called to check on him or anything, so I'd never make a point to tell him, "Oh, S had a fever last night" or "S has a cold again". It's almost a novelty since he was emotionally checked out by the time S was ever born. It's like, "wow, this is how it's supposed to be when you have a kid!".
Its good to have them back on board, my S is big enough to go and be ill on his own but still loves him mum bringing him a cuppa and food lol!
Have to say my H was ok on that front, to be fair to him when our little babycakes (cats nickname) had a nasty accident this summer he was there for both of us, although it was when he started coming out of his fog a bit.. poor little babycakes bless her a whole operation and two weeks of recovery just to get her parents see sense bless her!
wow so great your H is on board and involved now. Yes, this is how it should be. I'm really happy for your S as well.
Hey Freckle,
I really needed some inspiration tonight, so thank you for your thread! It's like reading a fairy tale to me right now.
I haven't read many WAH/MLC stories on the forum that haven't had an A as a focus. Your story resonates with me because we've been together for a long time (17 years) and we have small children. H really withdrew from me about a year after S6 was born, though he only made it official by moving out a month ago.
Once thing that I wanted to ask was, any thoughts on things you did right in the early stages of your separation, that later (much later) paved the way for the piecing action that's going on right now?
Anyway, I'm glad that you're finding some happiness in the present. I hope that your S recovers soon...I just recovered from pneumonia myself and it threw me for a loop.
Hi Flowmom. I'm glad my sitch gave you a little mental boost.
I don't know if I did anything "right" early on or through all of this that actually helped, but I do believe there were critical things that I didn't do wrong. I bit my tongue a lot on how I felt about him at various times (jerkface, @sshat, etc.). LOL
We never "fought" really. I disagreed with him about things over the years, but was consciously non-argumentative even when he tried to bait me. I think he was surprised I never got psycho or vindictive or any of that, though inside I was tempted many times.
Basically, I don't regret any thing I've said or done all the time since the bomb. I tried to take the high road.
I didn't bad mouth him to my family or real life friends (to this day they know very little about what's happened). Part of it was I was mortified this was happening to me, but another part was that I didn't want to make it hard for him to return by him knowing I turned all these people against him.
My H wavered back and forth a lot in the first couple of years. I never turned him away and reiterated at those times that I understood the things that went wrong and fully thought it was fixable and that it was worth it and he was worth it. Though beyond a few early things, I didn't persue him. Mostly because of pride and fear.
I left most of the actual legal D stuff to him. I didn't want it, wouldn't pay for it, and wouldn't do the work for it and told him as much. If you click my ID you can find my early threads. There may be things I've forgotten too. I think I started posting here a few months before my H moved out. I'm not too anxious to reread any of them quite yet... As you know, it's a very raw and painful time. I think I only had 4 or 5 threads total, but I read here constantly.
I'll catch up on the threads in your sig and see if I can offer any advice. Hang in there, hon. This site got me through those awful times. If for no other reason than having people that really know how you feel. Hugs.
Thank you so much Freckle for filling me in. I appreciate your insights. I want to look at your early threads, but I think that it's also helpful to get the "hindsight" view so I'm grateful that you took the time.
Got a dose of reality in keeping expectations low for V day. Last week H was pretty quiet. If we texted, it was only a few back and forths. In his defense, he's been trying to shake a cold/sinus infection that he got from when son has pneumonia and I had bronchitis.
Friday he was much chattier though and he discovered a problem with the summer camping reservation we had made the weekend before. We watched the opening ceremony for the Olympics "together" and he told me to look into a trip to Canada for us sometime before our camping trip in July. When he dropped S off Saturday afternoon he came in and we fixed the reservation and got a better/more private site like we had wanted. He went home and crashed because he was still feeling like crap so he didn't spend the night like he's been doing. I put together a big pan of unbaked lasagna for him as his valentine's "present" because he's mentioned how much he misses my lasagna.
Of course Sunday was Valentine's. He and S hid some stuff on Saturday when he was here and Sunday morning I had a treasure hunt. A silly card and some candy. Gifts definitely aren't my LL, so that all was fine. I didn't hear from him all day though and started getting antsy by evening. I had to keep talking myself down by reminding myself of the summer plans we had just made the day before and all that.
I broke down and texted him that night to say thanks. I didn't want him to think I was being rude. He texted me right back and we "talked" for a bit (pushed out the idea that he was with someone else--I tell you, I was going crazy). He said he was starting to feel better finally. I was pretty disappointed though that I didn't actually see him that day.
He texted me pretty early last night (we do lots of texting because he only has his cell phone and has limited talk minutes) and was much more himself. Flirted, said we'd have fun cooking together more often, etc. and all that brought me down from the ledge a bit.
The lesson? Keep expectations low--especially for crap that gets all built up like Valentine's day! And wow, this "piecing" has been going on since early November--3 months now! This is by far longer than any of his other touch and gos all these years.
I got him a card to go with the lasagna and since I haven't seen him, I'm undecided if I should give it to him. I thought it was funny, but might be too much R "talk". It says, "I don't need a normal relationship" and inside it says, "I like ours just fine"--something like that. It was one of the few that fits!
Freckle, it sounds like he wanted to acknowledge V-day, but didn't want to be around to mess things up? Even happily married wives often find that their Hs just can't pull V-day off. Your card is cute.
Wow, you are my idol, yet you still have VDay anxiety? lol. Glad to know I"m not alone. We all go through it don't we? I'm glad you texted him and set your mind to ease! Sometimes this big no no against contacting them just doesn't fit. I think it fits more when we are doing too much pursuing. I understand the anxiety about - where is he and why isn't he calling he must have an OW - so I also know you don't always want to contact them out of that anxiety. But see? You got your reassurance.
VDay is a terrible holiday. Why do we let ourselves get all wrapped up in it?
I got no gifts but I got a few good R assurances. H texted me to tell me he was on the golden gate bridge. Usually I have no idea where he disappears to and I don't want to panic and ask. But it felt really good to be assured he wasn't with an OW which is of course where our minds go to when we don't see them on VDay.
Great job. you took care of yourself and you are still my idol!
Yeah, V day was just the icing on the cake for his "quietness" last week, and it brought out the insecurities in full force.
The two nights I texted him first last week, there were only a couple texts and then he said he was going to bed and goodnight. He did text me one morning and said "hey stranger" and we "talked" so I tried to use that to calm myself, but... Everyone here knows where the mind goes.
Things are back to normal though so far this week. He's texted me first both nights and we've talked for a couple hours each time. I guess it really was him not feeling well and I was reading too much into it all. He has a habit of just quickly cooling off with me so I'm still on high alert for that--even though like I've said, it's never lasted his long before or been this "normal" either.
Last night he was telling me that he told people at work about our camping trip and he said they were all asking him if we were getting back together. He's only had this job for a year so well past all the bombs. I just said, "Oh..." in reply to that. I didn't ask what he said in answer to that. My philosophy--don't ask questions you might not be ready for honest answers to.
Then he said that his sister's husband "caught" us too when he saw H's truck here early one morning. I just said ha--I guess the driveway isn't a good hiding place. And of course his parents know he's been staying here sometimes because they're across the road and his Dad brings over the Sunday paper when they're done with it Sunday mornings.
We were talking about more vacations last night and one place he wants to go is to Florida where my grandmother and aunt and uncles live. When we lived in SC we'd drive there often and that was where we were going to move to until we ended up back in NY. My family there all adored him and I know if we went there, they'd treat him as if nothing happened. The last time we were there together was when I was pregnant and things were just starting to get rocky. I remember crying behind my sunglasses one morning as we were out to coffee because he was acting different to me.
One dark spot in all this is I think we're going to have to put our remaining 15 year old cat down soon.
She has a badly infected eye that doesn't seem to be clearing up from anything the vet gave me for her. I think it got scratched by the kitten I have. And since she got all those meds at the vet, she's regurgitating dry food almost instantly. She eats the canned pate food ok and has a great appetite. Better than ever, in fact. She has other existing health problems and probably isn't fit for anything involving anesthesia (she stopped breathing a few years ago during an operation), not to mention I can't afford it. I feel terribly guilty.
Well done, if his pattern has been to cool off quickly that is going to be a definite button for you. Of course you are going to begin to panic if he suddenly seems to back off. And, some men are emotionally dumb sometimes, esp. the WAS ones (no offense LBS guys) and having peace and quiet just feels good to them and they don't realize how it can hurt the other person.
Perhaps you can at some point have a talk about this button. If he can acknowledge that you're responding to a past pattern, perhaps he would be willing to agree to a regular text or phone schedule to reassure you? I know RW has been getting a lot of comfort from her returned spouse when she gets triggered about all the stuff from him leaving (OW), and I know LR is also struggling with her insecurities from H leaving (money), and there is hope that once they've committed they can be reassuring and kind.
So sorry about your kitty. One of the most painful things I had to do was put one of my cats down. I felt so guilty I had my boyfriend at the time drop him off and pick up the body. Couldn't handle the grief. My other cat is 17 now and puking and peeing at random, but still hanging in there. I will hope you can get through this ok. Always helps to get a new kitten right away too. That was the only way I could stop crying every day!
Two things I think I can add.
1. So sorry about your cat, we just put our dog down. And what I offer is brace yourself for any and all type of reaction from your H. I was surprised by how my WAS handled the situation...shows how much they change and how much they are not the person they were before. Don't read too much into anything he says or does right before/after you have to do that. I am so sorry, it is a rough time, we just went thru it.
2. Let me second what Hope4Luv says about the peace and quiet. My WAS tells me how much she relishes the peace and quiet and is completely dumb to how it can hurt me. Very good point there
Good advice. Time together is helping keep the fears at bay. I don't know if any reassurance from him would really help--after all he promised for better and for worse, till death do us part and we see how that ended up.
I will feel better when/if I get an ILY again. I know he does, i'm waiting for him to know he does. And to say it.
Thanks about my kitty. It was one year and two weeks ago that I had to have her sister put down. She had kitty breast cancer and it was 9 days from the time she was diagnosed until she started having trouble breathing. We got these two as kittens when we first moved in together and they went with us from NY to SC for 4 years and then back to NY. They were our babies.
Last year when I found out Mickey (she was "H's" and the other one was "mine"--that was how they gravitated to each of us and he named Mickey and I named Link)was sick I told H and he was just like, "eh" and acted like no big deal. When we used to be away from them for a weekend or something, we would both start carrying on about how much we missed them and now that one was about to die, he acted like I told him I ate a hamburger for lunch. I was so angry! (or to tie our threads in, I was hurt that he was so dismissive about her
).
When we started talking again in the fall, one night we were IMing and started talking about the cats and he thanked me for taking care of Mickey and being with her and said he was crying right then and really missed her. Last year he just flatly said, "thanks for telling me". WTF?
We talked about Link earlier and that unless a miracle happens, her time will probably come soon because her eye looks horrible and isn't responding to anything. My poor baby girl.
Thanks, GW. I'm so sorry about the loss of your dog. This is the suckiest part about having pets. I'm only halfway joking when I say that my next pet will be one of those turtles that live 100 years. I hope they like to snuggle.
We talked about it today actually and he acted much more normal as compared to losing our other cat last February. I'll make sure to keep my expectations low though as far as how I would expect him to act. I'm not sure how I feel about him being "involved" in it because I don't think I'm ready to be that vulnerable in his presence yet!
ok, respect your need to protect your vulnerability. That's probably a good thing if you really depend on him and he acts weird - you would be doubly devastated. You don't need that when you are grieving your dear pet.
As for the dismissal, I am getting it now - if they are too scared (hurt whatever Dr. Phil said) to be vulnerable with their feelings toward you, they wont' want to open up with any feelings at all with you. Even grief. Weird. They aren't called walls for nothing. The real person is hiding in there, we can't see, hear, or touch them in any way. If you tell a wall you are putting your cat down, the wall says nothing and just stands there.
And yea, I think everyone on these boards would agree that once the WAS breaks their marital vows, the trust will never totally return. It's a battle scar we all carry. I must say I'm wrestling with that one myself tonight. Yes, I understand H is fearful. The other side of me says "Oh boo hoo, I am too, but I'm not giving up on my M vows!!!!"
Hey Freckle sorry to hear about puss, we have lost two quite elderly and one little one too early in RTA, its hard to send them on their way but at the same time remember its the kindest most responsible thing to do for them and Im sure if they could say thank you they would. I got a bonus cat when H left our little cat was so in love with her daddy she never noticed mummy, but guess whose cat she is now lol, although being the sneaky little minx she is she hedges her bets getting strokes off both of us, and H hates it when she is mummys girl all day lol!
As for the dismissal, I am getting it now - if they are too scared (hurt whatever Dr. Phil said) to be vulnerable with their feelings toward you, they wont' want to open up with any feelings at all with you. Even grief. Weird. They aren't called walls for nothing.
EXACTLY what I just experienced with the dog, 100% accurate.
EVen more so, they may not be able to open up feelings at all. The wall may actually be a wall to their own emotions, not to you.
How you doing about kitty?
How you doing around kitty?
She's hanging in so far. Her eye looks terrible and she still can't eat any dry food without regurgitating it right back up. But she wolfs down canned food and otherwise acts normal. Just taking it day by day I guess.
H is dropping lots of, I don't know if hints is the right word, but bringing up moving back here a lot this last week. But not in an straight forward way either, so it catches me off guard.
We got hammered this week with snow. 2 1/2 feet in 2 days and as a result, my mailbox was buried in snowbanks from the plows. He told me Friday that when he brought S back Saturday that he'd snowblow the mailbox out for me. He said he missed snowblowing--another thing he didn't like doing before.
He's said also how he misses cutting and splitting firewood. He disliked doing it before. I know some H, even when separated, continued to do a lot household stuff for the W, but H never, ever did. I would have chewed off my own ear before asking him for anything like that and he never offered. For almost 5 years I've mowed the lawn (3/4 acre with riding and push mowing), weed eating, snowblowing the driveway, etc.--and up until recently all those things had to be done when S was asleep and I had a baby monitor tied to me because I couldn't do them with him awake. Still, he never offered to help with those things.
He also talked lots about remodeling the kitchen, taking down walls, etc. also redoing the basement. His idea is to take the money I'm supposed to pay him by the end of next year for his buyout and for him to put that back into the house. As it is, I'll have to pull that money out of my @ss, but I can't help but wonder what that all would mean as far as ownership and whatnot--especially since we're not married anymore.
Then tonight he tells me he spent the day helping a friend move and then said that this is a good thing because now this friend owes him. The whole conversation was strange. I asked what the friend had that he wanted to collect on for this favor and H said maybe help moving someday. He said you probably don't care, but that he feels like he has a big favor in his pocket now. I told him that it was a nice thing to do and he said he hopes to get that favor back.
I then said that it sounded like he was moving somewhere soon and asked if he was going into hiding. I think I upset him with that because he said, "I guess not..." I didn't really know what else to say!
We then talked about other stuff and he was fine--not mad or anything, but I feel like he might be fishing for something and I don't really know how to respond to all this. The one DB rule I rock at is no R talk. I'm like the best no R talker around because I really live by not asking questions where the answers might not be what you want. Unfortunately, I think that's morphed into screaming and running away from all possible R talk, even when initiated by the other person.
Freckle that is tricky because it seems like he's opening the door and you're not walking in! And he might even have taken the "going in hiding" comment as you slamming the door in his face! I'm not going to advise you because I've never been in piecing, but it sounds like he's trying to indirectly ask you if he can move back in...
Ok, girl, you already know what to do - R talk time! He's putting it out there, and you are running from the discussion. Time to sort out what you want and need, then figure out how to communicate that with H. Remember to listen and validate too. But first go through all your fears and hopes both in your journal. Sort out all the dark corners of your mind on this so you are clear with yourself. Then, time to give H the cliff notes version
Echo H4L time to decide how you want to play this hun! You definitely need some rules of engagement before he merrily moves back in and starts happily reorganising your life.. not in a nasty way more in a honeymoon sorta way.. I can smell resentment a mile off from your post so the only way your gonna settle this is to really decide what you need and the dreaded R talk has got to happen.. Perhaps staggering the R talk will help you a bit.. so perhaps question 1 what ever you want to know.. then ask for some to consider it.. dont do the whole thing in one go other wise you will end up a scared rabbit and run for the hills and lets face it no one would blame you..
Nothing much to really update--this is a good thing though!
I am feeling much more secure with "us". I don't start freaking out if I don't hear from him first or keep a tally of who is contacting who how often anymore. He still talks a lot about doing this or that to my/our house. He has lots of big plans which also include rehabbing an old farmer's Grange building that is adjacent to my house into a few apartments for "our retirement"...
Last weekend he referred to himself as being "my man". I've been on a list for 4 years for a grant for some weatherization help with my house. Well, I'm finally at the top of the list so there have been some guys here this week doing some insulating and other stuff and H asked me yesterday if any of them hit on me---the jealousy is nice.
Still waiting for an ILY though, dammit! Only somewhat serious about that though. I know with 100% certainty he does love me and that is what matters--not the words.
Oh, this year is his parents 50th anniversary. He mentioned to me a few weeks back they were having a party. Last night his mom told me/(invited) about it too and it's going to be pretty large. I won't go unless he specifically invites me to go with him though. For those that don't commit every minute detail of my life to memory, we married on his parent's anniversary so it would be our anniversary also (11th if you ignore that meaningless piece of paper from Jan. that said we're divorced now). It'll be interesting how this plays out... It's not till the beginning of June though so we have a couple months yet.
So you haven't had a R talk? It all sounds so wonderful. But isn't it time to talk about "us"? Especially with your little one involved...
What exactly do you mean by a R talk? We talk about us and the future often in bits and pieces. No formal 5 year plan or anything. LOL
I do make a point to stay, I'm sure of the words I'm looking for, but kind of neutral when he gets on those topics. I'm long past the begging and pleading and trying to convince him stage so I want to make sure I'm not pushing him into anything.
I guess I look at our R now as dating seriously, but unlike regular dating usually, we both have the same final "goal" in mind that we want to be together as a happy family. I'm enjoying this stage and don't feel the need to rush anything after all this time apart.
That makes sense Freckle
. I love how confident you sound.
Freckle you are still my idol. How did you do it? How did you get over him first of all? That seems like the way to see if there is real hope, instead of all this desperate hope I fall in and out of!
I never really did get over him. No matter how much I tried. I did really accept that he was gone though, but that just eventually came after so much time has passed.
But really, I was far from detached. I couldn't even look at him because I despised him was so angry with him for what he had done to my life and my son.
Hi freckle,
Just wondering if you are going to the Town Clerk conference. in Saratoga the ind of April?
JAK
I never really did get over him. No matter how much I tried. I did really accept that he was gone though, but that just eventually came after so much time has passed.
Freckle, I appreciate your honesty. People put on a brave face about D, but I wonder how many truly do get over their spouses, especially those who share children with them.
No, I'm not going. I've never had anyone to watch my little guy so I haven't ever gone to any of them. How are you enjoying your new job? It'll be interesting to see if Ag & Mkts really does get out of their role in dog licensing and it's all on us. Are you going?
Your posts in your thread about not seeing yourself attracted to anyone else and about being angry over the shared parenting hit home with me. I tried to date two summers ago. We had been separated 3 years by then and a very nice guy that works with my mom was interested in me. We "met up" at a picnic their employer and hung out a bit and he came over for dinner once, but I freaked out and he hadn't even so much as tried to touch me!
After the picnic thing I sobbed and sobbed all the way home and I hadn't cried over my H in a long time. I had thought I was ready or close to it, but I wasn't. It brought all those old feelings out and really threw me back into it for a while again.
I decided that while I wasn't ready for any sort of relationship, I was actually pretty happy and content with my life the way it was with myself and my son and that was all I needed at this point. I also accepted that I probably always would love my H in some way--he had been a major part of my life from the time we were 12---and I mourned for the man he was and in no way resembled anymore.
I never did get over the anger at the change in raising kids though. Anger at making me miss out of half of important events (like Christmas stuff with my in-laws, etc.) of my son's childhood. Anger at having my son not sleeping under my roof every night. In a way that got worse over time because my son was so little in the beginning, he didn't know any different, but the last couple of years he gets sad and says he misses his daddy and all that and it really p!ssed me off in that mother bear way. And lots of anger at him leaving me to do this all on my own while he gets to be fun dad who spends the weekend at the park.
I've envied people that seem to be able to move on fairly quickly. That certainly wasn't me. It's hard enough for me to let down the wall enough to let my H back in, I don't know if another man exists that would ever be able to break through that. It's hard, for sure.
Don't let all what I just said though get you down. I was actually happy the last few years and not just going through the motions of life anymore. Mad about what happened still, but happy with the lemonade I made out of those lemons, KWIM? So, no matter what happens in your M, you will be happy again. Once you're down there at the bottom, you have to eventually go up, right?
It may turn out to be a bittersweet happiness in some ways, but you learn to appreciate what you do have (your kids, your health, etc.) in a way you might not have pre bomb.
That's to bad I have heard that you learn a ton and that you have a lot of fun.
Yes I am going.
It will be a lot better when taxes are done and I have more time to concentrate on the Town clerk end and find where the previous TC put anything. I have gotten everything upgraded as far as computer goes.
Parish TC said she had talked to Ag and Mkts and they said it will be happening in 2011. We'll see.
Things seem to be going well with your sitch. I have not posted to anyone as i have not had anything going on to post about but have been following.
JAK
Eek. Taxes! We have a separate tax collector so I don't have to do that. This is my slowest time--in between hunting season and before building permits pick up. Do you use any of the special clerk software? With the dog changes I might be able to get our board to spring for some, assuming they revamp it for printing dog license bills.
Hope you have fun!
THx for sharing - sorry to bring up past hurts.
It does make me feel better to know this is normal. THe thing about my son is the BIGGEST issue I have. It's the reason I don't detach or let go very easily. Thank you for showing me we can survive!
I appreciate all your support and perspective!!!
Hi Freckle,
I know I havn't been posting on your thread but i have tried to follow along... you are an inspiration!
Thanks Rocked. I don't know if "inspiration" is the right word--maybe more like stubborn. LOL
Freckle! Your thread is just what the Dr. ordered tonight! My H filed a D, he is in the midst of a midlife crisis w/ OW. I just needed to see some good things. I know this may not happen in my sitch but I was struck by the comment you made about never really getting over him but had accepted that he was gone! I am still working on the accepting stage but getting there!
Did you DB during your seperation?
Anyway, wishing you luck and will keep checking on you!
Thanks Rocked. I don't know if "inspiration" is the right word--maybe more like stubborn. LOL
Stubborn can be very good in these sitches!
Ummmm.... with a name like "freckle" would you happen to be a redhead?
CW, I did DB the first 18 months or so we were separated. He was back and forth (the back part was usually so quick my head spun) but once he seemed to go for good, it took all my focus to be civil and pretend he didn't exist.
It was a pretty profound feeling when I finally realized that I could still love him (or love who he had been) and didn't have to "get over" him, but that didn't mean I was sitting around with my life on pause waiting for him to come back anymore. Just like you can't make yourself love someone, you can't make yourself not care about them either. You don't have to get over someone before you're allowed live your life for you again and I guess that's the phase I had moved on to. I didn't come to the boards anymore and didn't really even think about our sitch anymore.
Once thing that was kind of creepy was last summer, Memorial Day to be exact, for some strange reason I was very sad. Sad like I hadn't been in years. I dug out a stack of greeting cards he had given me over the years with his written promises of love and took them outside and burned them in my fireplace.
Two days later, after more than 3 years of nothing other than an occasional "hello" (I made a point to try not to speak to him at all when we exchanged our son) he called me under the guise of asking about some old paperwork on a pull behind trailer he had. At the end of the brief conversation, he told me he had taken our son to the zoo the week before and he was wondering if someone I would like to go with them and that he thought our son would really have a great time with both of us there. That was the last thing I expected. As far as I knew, at that point he had had a girlfriend for the past couple of years (whore! :D).
The rest of that story (brief tunnel exiting) I think is in my beginning posts in this thread, but the creepy part is that maybe my sadness that day and subsequent burning of things that had meant a lot to me was more letting go and he (or someone or something) felt it too somehow and made a move back towards me. The timing of all that was amazing though. Seriously though, if I had known that's what it would take, I'd have burned his crap years before!
Hang in there CW. Let yourself feel what you feel. That's what's great about these boards--no one here tells you to get over him/her already and wonders how you could possibly still love them. I'm sure most, if given the choice, would love to "get over it" in a heartbeat, but it doesn't work that way!
Thanks Rocked. I don't know if "inspiration" is the right word--maybe more like stubborn. LOL
Stubborn can be very good in these sitches!
Ummmm.... with a name like "freckle" would you happen to be a redhead?
Um, guilty! I'm a Taurus too. And Italian. A triple threat if you want to find the perfect combination to make a person ultra stubborn and tenacious!
I don't think it was just burning the cards. I think it was your internal state. You could have burned them with a different feeling or no feeling at all. But your ritual matched your feelings of letting go and weirdly he felt it.
I can't explain stuff like this but I do see it happens.
I am just not ready to let go - I wish I could. I mean I could burn all the cards, but my heart wouldnt be in it. Takes time.
REdheaded Italian Taurus! No wonder I like you!
Thankyou Freckle for sharing that! I have thought many times of getting rid of those cards etc, but thought "what if" and I'd hate to not have them should he come home but now that I think about it...H is not the man I met and fell in love with right now and IF he should decide to come home someday, he will not be the same man so why hang on to that stuff? But, as I say this, I am nowhere near the point of burning it yet! In fact, if he wanted to come home tomorrow, I would not be prepared for that!
Keeping you in my prayers and will keep coming here for inspiration!
R
Edheaded Italian Taurus! No wonder I like you! smile
LOL! Some of those innate qualities got me into this mess in the first place... Actually, scratch "some". All those traits got me into this mess!
CW, I felt the same way. For a very long time I couldn't bear the idea of throwing those mementos away or otherwise destroying them. He was always great in that he actually read through cards and picked ones that meant something to him and wrote sweet, sweet things in them. I refused to believe that man was gone.
Years passed though and that day I got very mad. No reason at all--it was just a wave of grief and anger and suddenly I couldn't stand the thought of that stuff in my house anymore. It was a pile of lies because he obviously didn't mean it when he said he'd love me forever. They had lost all their precious meaning and I didn't want (or need) to keep them anymore.
Thank you for your prayers. You'll be in my thoughts too. I so wish I had a magic wand I could wave and make everything all better for everyone here.
I gave my H back some love cards - valentines, birthday, etc - right before things started turning around recently.
There is a truth in letting go.
What a powerful story Freckle. Wow.
I have the sunday night blues--missing H after spending time with him over the weekend.
The green eyed monster paid a visit this weekend. I am having some minor work done on my house and there were some workers here last week. All week H would jokingly ask me if any of them had hit on me yet. As if.
Friday I guess they cooked themselves some hotdogs for lunch outside (our weather was beautiful last week. We went from waist high snow 2 weeks ago to 65 degrees) and they fixed me a plate. I had already eaten and put it in fridge. My son had the day off school so he was there and he apparently he ratted me out to H that night.
He was teasing me (or I thought he was) about it Friday night. I told him he was being cute. Saturday I was talking to him and he started asking about it again (WTF? it was a hotdog and potato chips!). He admitted it really, really bothered him. I guess this must be some code in man world that means more than, "Hey, we had some leftover lunch. Here's a plate to thank you for not being one of those annoying homeowner's who hover and critique every little thing we do."
I told H he was welcome to pee in a corner or something here if he wanted to mark his territory.
Who divorced who here? Hmmm.
LOL! That is funny about your H and being jealous! I love your "marking your territory" comment!
OMG I love the marking his territory comment too but, feels kinda good that he is jealous after everything you have been through doesn't it?
Yes the Dreaded taxes! I do have Williamson law book for Clerk and the taxes. Still learning though but, i am getting the hang of it. although I still have to send out second notices didn't know about that as I haven't had help at all with it. I do have a couple of fellow clerks that are answering my questions and when they come across something that they think I might not know the give me a call.
hope spring treats you well. You do sound good.
JAK
His jealousy speaks volumes
And your response was perfect.
The jealousy was kind of nice, though for a little bit he was getting somewhat pissy towards me over it before I told him to chill out over it.
Oh, another thing that reaffirmed the "fog". The summer my H left, my father was very, very sick. He was on a respirator, in a medically induced coma, for 5 weeks because of pneumonia. For a few weeks, they didn't know if he was going to pull through. He was in hospital a total of 8 weeks.
My H would come over a couple times a week to watch our son so I could go to the hospital. I know I did tell him how serious it was because I remember at one point I started crying and he gave me a hug. We got on the subject of our parents this weekend and he was asking about my father. He asked about when he was sick and asked why I didn't tell him how bad it was and that he would have gone to see him (he never went to visit, sent a card or anything. His freakin' parents visited my dad weekly!).
They really are in a fog.
Wow!!! That is interesting that he doesn't remember that!
amazing how thick that fog can be isn't it?
My WH doesn't even remember things I tell him an hour before and then he argues with me that I never said that. Is it really due to the MLC fog, or could it be hormonal? It's really scary when they are like that.
I really wouldn't be surprised if the fog *is* hormonal or has some sort of physiological element.
how are things going freckle?
Hey FM! Things are still going good with H. Same even keel that's been going on for the past few months. I kind of feel ansty here and there waiting for a step to the next level--what step I'm not sure, but something more I guess.
I had to have our 15 year old cat put to sleep Tuesday.
Her sister died last winter, so now with both of them gone, it's the end of an era. We got them when we were barely 22--the four of us grew up together in a way. Moved up and down the east coast with them by our sides. H's been sweet though and checking up on us to see how we're doing.
I have to have surgery sometime in the next month or so for a hernia. H's been acting very worried over that even though I've told him it's not a huge deal and very routine. A sucky recovery since it's abdominal surgery, but a routine operation.
His reaction so far has been strange in that he barely even acknowledged it when I had a c-section and then was ready to literally abandon me in the ER a week later when I was having some major complications post partum. Since the bomb came about a month later, it made sense after that, but at the time I was dumbfounded on how he was so cold those times.
I've been reading your thread here and there and was glad to see your business meeting went well the other day!
Thanks for the update Freckle. Glad to hear that things are going well, but I can understand the antsiness!
Sorry to hear about your cat and glad that your H is being kind about it.
My H recently had hernia surgery and the recovery was surprisingly quick -- I hope your experience is similar.
Take care!
I"m sorry to hear about your cat - it's a hard grieving process isn't it? I had to cry it out for weeks just to get by. yOu will.
As for the hernia, this must be bringing up so much stuff for you since you were abandoned after the c-section. I'm so sorry to hear this happened to you I can hardly believe it and I'm so impressed your H has come around now.
I hope he makes up for it this time around - if not, you know you can survive! Glad to see you popping back in on the boards.
Thanks, ladies.
The kitty grief hits me in waves. She was one of my first babies. H even used to dress her in a little baby sleeper (which she of course hated) years ago.
We had gotten those two cats about 6 months after we moved in together, so now that they're both gone, it kind of has all this extra baggage attached to it too.
I may be underestimating the surgery, but I don't think it will be too big of a deal. I'm comparing it to my section and IMO, it seems like this will be cake provided they don't send me home with a newborn to take care of at the same time! If only I can talk the surgeon into doing a little nipping and tucking while he's there. I had two lower hernia surgeries when I was 3 (which I remember VIVIDLY!) and then my section almost 6 years ago. This is an umbilical hernia, but thanks to my 9+ lb baby, he made a mess of my stomach skin. LOL
Freckles6, I just got done reading about your entire sitch. What an amazing story you have. Hope and inspiration is what I'm taking from it and for that I thank you.
Good luck to you with your surgery. Please post and let us know how you're doing after it.
(((Hugs)))
Thank you so much, Seeking!
Nothing really new to report with H and I, it's just been on my mind that 5 years ago tomorrow (actually today because it's just after midnight here now!) my H moved out. He informed me a few days prior to that (on my birthday, TYVM) he was moving and he left for good (physically at least because he was mentally gone for a while by then) on my very first mother's day.
The funny thing is that this week he actually forgot my birthday. I'm not a big birthday person anyway and hate any focus on myself like that. I know he knows when my birthday is. He's always (except for one year and it was on purpose and spiteful and I called him on it and he apologized) remembered it every other year we've been separated and had a card from S for me. I know he's been busy at work I figured he didn't know what the date was. We had even talked that day, but I didn't say anything about it.
Wed. morn. he was driving to work and heard the date on the radio and called me apologizing up and down and swearing that he'll make it up to me. it really doesn't bother me at all. My birthday and him have all this baggage now that it was kind of better it passed quietly. He proposed to me on my 25th birthday and told me he was leaving me and our 10 month old baby on my 32nd birthday. Like I said, baggage there.
He told me tonight he has "prizes" planned for Mother's Day.
To make up for this week... (I admit I was thinking that forgetting my birthday was least of the things he has to make up for... LOL).
I'm so sorry your birthday has such baggage. Those emotional memories never quite go away do they? I hope that mother's day is better and you get all the love and attention you deserve. And yes he has a lot to make up for. HOpe he starts showing it!
He did good.
I got a fancy dinner he cooked last night and this morning I got breakfast in bed too! And I got Guitar Hero 5 for our Wii that I had been wanting. He said he and S were planning to pick flowers this morning but mother nature decided it was winter again and we woke up with 4 inches of snow on everything...
It was nice. My first ever real mother's day.
Hi freckle6!! So glad to see you had a wonderful Mother's Day!!! Sorry about the snow!
yayayayayay! So well deserved and so long awaited. I'm really happy for you
So happy for you Freckle
Freckle
Sounds like you had a good Mothers day!
Wasn't the snow terrible what the heck it's May!
JAK
Thanks ladies!
JoJo--I know! Unbelievable with the snow. It's just finally mostly melted here. There's some around the bases of trees in the shade. It snowed on and off all day here. I have trees that have branches like 15 feet from the ground that were touching the ground yesterday. I lucked out and nothing broke from the weight of the snow with the new leaves on the trees. August weather last weekend with it being low 80s and back to December this weekend. Only in upstate NY, huh?
[/quote]Only in upstate NY, huh? wink[quote]
You have that right.
I have plants I would love to plant outdoors but Probably have to wait until the first part of June unless I want to cover them all up and that would be a pain.
JAK
A blast from the past Nicole,,I'm in need of help again.
P.S. - got any black laquered dogs?
Oops,please look up my thread on newcomers.
Finally have my hernia surgery this week. Last week it started freaking me out and triggering emotions from right before the bomb and how he acted and treated me when our son was born. I decided I was going to ask for what I needed from him as far as help though and not expect him to read my mind and then get upset because he isn't being the way I was hoping for.
I told him I needed someone to get S on the bus Wed. and Thurs. morning and to put him to bed at least Wed., possibly Thurs. too (don't know if I'll be climbing stairs by then). He stepped up pretty good, IMO, and told me he'd come here after work tomorrow and stay here for as long as I needed him (forever? LOL).
Things have still been going well. Our S is in T-ball so we go to that every Wed. night and Sat. afternoon together and then we're together the rest of Saturday until sometime Sun. afternoon when he goes back to his place. This weekend he was here last night too because of the holiday. We just got done building a massive swingset addition/club house for S's birthday present.
On the weekends he's been here doing yard work when I haven't even asked him to do anything. My poor weeds probably don't know what's up. I was lucky to weedeat once a year and he's done it for the last 4 weekends straight! LOL.
My in-law's 50th anniversary party is this weekend. I was invited too but once I got my surgery date, I figured there'd be no way I'd be up for going that soon after. My MIL was begging me this weekend to really try to come for a little while. She wants me there for the family pictures. Ugh. I really, really don't want to do that. It's not like we're officially back together, we're legally divorced, and I just feel funny about it. If things go south again, I don't want to "ruin" their big family picture by being in it, KWIM. But they never ask me for anything and have done so much for me that words can't even begin to cover it and I love them dearly. Help!
Well, my outpatient, home before school gets out, surgery turned into a 2 night stay. Motherfing ouch is what I'll say.
H has been great so far. He spent the night before because I had to leave early and S needed to get ready for school and get on the bus. Once they decided to keep me there, H told me not to worry at all. H stayed at my house with S and even brought S to visit me last night. I got freed this afternoon and H is now out getting my prescription and a subs for us to eat. Seriously, he's been so great. Nice and kind and attentive and doing things without even being asked and all the things he wasn't when nearly 6 years ago.
The irony of today being the first wedding anniversary (11 years ago!) that we've been divorced and him now, officially divorced and all, taking care of me "in sickness" hasn't gone over my head.
H was wonderful to me all weekend. He slept downstairs with me (can't sleep in bed yet because I can't get out of it if I get in!) and pretty much waited on me hand and foot. A total 180 from how it was when we came home after S was born.
I didn't end up going to his parents' party. I still haven't even put on real clothes yet, let alone something 50th anniversary party-ish. His sister did have a cookout the next day and he did invite me to that. First "family" event in 5+ years! I still see his brother and sister regularly so no weirdness being with everyone there.
He left to go back to his place last night and see if his cat still remembered him. He texted me a little bit ago and said he could get used to living here. I kept it light and just said, "Yeah? You had your chance to smother me with a pillow this weekend while I was drugged and weakened!". I don't really know how else to respond to that kind of stuff.
How are you coming along? Healing well? So amazed and grateful your H is showing up for you emotionally. We all hope for this some day and you deserve it more than anyone - five years! My gosh, you go girl!
Sending you virtual chicken soup...
Thanks Hope. I'm doing good. Just about all healed up now. Got through that and two birthday parties for the boy. H was great through it all.
Since I'm still out of work for my one job, H has been coming here after work Friday nights (used to be he picked up S from his parents while I was at work and they stayed at his place) and stays all weekend with us. This will likely change once I'm working Fridays again, but it's been nice.
Yesterday for the 4th we went to his sister's for a cookout. It was the first time I met most of her new in-laws (she remarried about 3 years ago) and it was nice being introduced as her SIL to them. LOL Technicalities and all that. FYI to me in the future though, beware of drinking too much of a concoction called "Hollywood Slut" when she offers it.
Went camping this past weekend with H and S. It was fun, but I am far too old to sleep on the hard ground. Especially with the baseball sized bruise still inhabiting my butt from falling into SIL's pool on the 4th of July.
The night before we left, I was transferring some CDs of H's to my ipod to listen to while away. A song came on and H got all emotional and teary and kept telling me to listen to the words to this one song. I had heard it years ago and remember it got to me then. Afterward I looked up the lyrics and that with H's reaction the other night and whoa. It takes my breath away, literally. Very eerily fitting and everything I ever dreamed of my H coming back and saying to me for the last 5+ years.
This time, This place
Misused, Mistakes
Too long, Too late
Who was I to make you wait
Just one chance
Just one breath
Just in case there's just one left
'Cause you know,
you know, you know
[CHORUS]
That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you'll be with me
and you'll never go
Stop breathing if
I don't see you anymore
On my knees, I'll ask
Last chance for one last dance
'Cause with you, I'd withstand
All of hell to hold your hand
I'd give it all
I'd give for us
Give anything but I won't give up
'Cause you know,
you know, you know
[CHORUS]
So far away
Been far away for far too long
So far away
Been far away for far too long
But you know, you know, you know
I wanted
I wanted you to stay
'Cause I needed
I need to hear you say
That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I forgive you
For being away for far too long
So keep breathing
'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore
Believe it
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore
Believe it
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
Hold on to me and, never let me go
That is very touching Freckle. I'm so glad that you are rebuilding your love together
Thanks FM. I've been following along in your thread--just haven't had anything to add lately. You're doing good pretty damn good on your own!
Just when my life is fairly happy again, reality comes and gives it the middle finger. We found out recently that my MIL has bowel (?) cancer. I'm not too sure of the specifics as she's still getting tests (a bone scan this week to see if it's spread to her bones...) and honestly, I don't want to know the details yet because anything short of her being here for another 20 years is too much for me to process.
I do get the impression that this is serious due to the talk of looking for it spread to her bones.
I can't describe how much I love this woman and how much she means to me. I am so blessed to have her and my FIL in my life. I would never have gotten through those first couple of years without either of them. In a time when many in-laws distance themselves, instead they treated me as their own daughter. If anyone has some good thoughts or prayers to spare for her, I'd really appreciate it.
Here come my prayers for your MIL and your family.
Thank you very much Cas05.
In DBing news I think I can now seriously put myself in the piecing category. It's been 9 months since H's big turn around and this past weekend I *finally* got an ILY.
It came out amongst some emotional stuff where I was telling him that while I don't harbor any blame or anger or resentment for what he did (and I really don't), I still do have lots of feelings about what all that did to me and my life and our son.
Sometimes he talks of doing this and that to the house and it can make me feel defensive because I've done the best I could have being a new mom and instantly a single mom as well. He kept apologizing and telling me he messed up and that he's here now.
I had a yard sale the past couple weekends and last weekend the parents of a girl that played T-ball w/ our son were here. Once when we were talking to the mother she said "your husband" to me and it was kind of strange. Even though here I still call him my H, he's technically not anymore even though he acts more like my H than he had in the last 5 years when he was my H. Clear as mud? LOL
So proud of you and pleased and think of you often. You are my idol!
Aww, thanks Hope. You're in my thoughts lots too! Boo to the guy that hasn't called back yet. His loss.
Hey freckle!
Haven't checked on you in awhile!
So sorry to hear about your MIL...sending prayers your way!
Happy to hear about the "ILY" !!!
Thank you, CW!
Journaling--Unfortunately, MIL's cancer has spread in her bones. She starts chemo Friday. I don't know much more because she just started wanting to talk to people this evening after finding the results out on monday. H talked to her for a bit and asked me to go see her. I'm going to barge in on them tomorrow with my little guy and try to hold it together and to rouse up her fighting spirit.
Google tells me this is likely very, very bad. I haven't sobbed so hard in years.
Back is that split second when you wake up and all that is wrong hits you like a ton of bricks because you were able to forget while you slept. Only now it's not H having left me, it's this.
Today has been better and this isn't about me. It's time to buck up and find strength because positive attitudes can only help. Another good side to things with H and I being semi-reconciled is that I can be here for my ILs and not have to do it on the down-low as to not p1ss him off. I think things are also better between H and my MIL cause it was strained because she made it clear that she didn't like what he did to me. I'm grateful that none of that drama will distract any of us from doing all we can to support her.
Journaling--MIL had her first chemo last week and miraculously didn't get sick at all. She's in good spirits and we're all just focusing on this set of chemo treatments. One step at a time...
In other news, I think this weekend will be a big one with me and H. He hasn't totally come out and said it plainly, but he wants to move back here soon.
Last night he was telling me how much he hated it where he was. Today is the night he always had our son for visitation while I worked at my 2nd job.Most of the summer I didn't work there because I had surgery and couldn't lift anything. I've been back for a few weeks and H has been bringing our son back here and they stay here. Last night I asked him if he was coming here or taking S to his place--I didn't want to assume anything and it is his legal visitation time.
He said he was bringing him here and he wants to be here as much as he can. Then he said he misses me and S and wants to be with us. And he said we needed to talk. Kind of a reverse bomb, I guess?
I'm very nervous about this. This is a huuuuuuuge deal. He didn't just move out a few weeks, or even months ago. It's been almost 5 years and 5 months! And the fact that we're legally divorced makes it seem like an even bigger deal to me. And that this involves a 6 year old little boy who never remembers his mom and his dad living in the same house.
Eeek. I'm nervous about this.
H gave notice to his landlord and will be moving back here.
Almost 5.5 years he's been gone and it'll be 11 months since he fully emerged from the fog. It's like a lifetime ago. He has a whole other household of stuff, so it should be interesting trying to do this.
wonderful news Freckle! Yours is an inspiring story for other DBers.
I think it just really goes to show that isn't really anything a LBS can do to make their S see the light and work on the M. DBing gives you something to focus on and control when everything else is out of control in your life and gives you a blueprint on how to take the high road with dignity and not do things that will further damage the R.
After 12 years together I got the ILYBINILWY and he had no interest in "trying" and didn't think it was possible to get those feelings back if they had gone. Fast forward 5 years to where I only spoke to him when absolutely necessary for years and I was definitely not doing anything to "win him back". Then suddenly he's feeling that bond again enough to want to be with me without any action on my part?
It was truly a fog and he's said as much to me about how he freaked out inside when I was pregnant and after the baby was born. So, it wasn't a MLC, but still an internal crisis on his part.
I can kind of understand the feelings because shortly after my son was born (like the first couple months) I kept thinking how my life was now completely different and that I couldn't hang out in a bar anymore on weekends. I hadn't been to a bar in years because I kind of outgrew all that 10 years before!
But now after this momentous change I felt panicked at the idea that I couldn't do this even if I wanted to (which I still really didn't even want to...). Fortunately those crazy postpartum hormones settled down quickly and my brain returned to earth, but I guess my H's didn't until recently. It'd be interesting to see hormones or that science-y stuff studied and see if there is a correlation there.
Freckles
THat is wonderful news!!!!!
JAK