Hi,
I just wanted to take this of tal's thread as she obviously didn't want it on there.
I can understand your bitterness at what you have gone through. The injections I have into my neck are into the epidural region and I have always been made fully aware of how delicate the procedure is and the complications that can arise. I am so wary of epidural injections and pain relief in general that I refused any pain relief when having all of my four children. That should indicate to you how bad the pain in my neck is, that I take such huge amounts of medicaton for it.
Things over the pond here seem a bit different re litigation - we are nowhere near as quick to litigate.
However, there are good and bad doctor's out there, just as there are patients who will try and get whatever they can out of the system without a care for the actual caring health staff involved. They seem to just assume an insurance company deals with it and they do not consider the greater implications.
On a personal note, I would say the GP that put me on co-codamol at the age of 14 was wrong. It wasn't until much later in life I actually saw neurologists and spinal specialists. I have been addicted to them for years and as you probably know, that type of medication can cause headaches in itself. That masks and complicates trying to get to the route cause of my problems. A busy GP will often just top up a prescription if the patient seems happy with things. It has taken much pushing and delving to get to the point that I am at now. I do agree though that it is a partnership between the doctor and the patient....but often things go unexplored or are left for a variety of reasons.
I am sorry that your experience was so sour and devastating but there are cases when action is justified.
total agreement with what you just said.
And for the record, heck yes there are doctors who can turn into "dr. feel good-write something and get her out of here" mode, and that stinks, and there 's the whole other side where there is so much "anti-med" pressure against ANY opioids for people with some real pain. As hospital legal counsel I saw both extremes, and there is a law in our state that gives pain patients certain rights. That state law SOMETIMES gets the docs in trouble with the feds, via the DEA, and that all just turns it into a legal circus with the doctor afraid of going to jail or losing his license, whichever way he goes, and the poor patient saying wtf? Can I get some damn help?
But yeah, I felt I saw a pattern on the thread of whining, that seemed to be a pattern in some lives as well, and my feathers got a bit ruffled when a little "pile on" started against docs, BUT dang, I did apologize for my bias up front, and the interrupting of the thread. People jump on docs all the time to bitch and moan and then not even know the name of their med....
I don't see myself as "bitter" about the med mal lawsuit thing in general, but it was a big drag. OTOH God knows what would have been worse is if h HAD really hurt someone...that would really suck and h is human so there's a real chance that someday, he will.
But I do remember the sleazy process server acted like she knew me from high school (??) and told our then d8 y/o to get me out of the shower. So I go to the door all wet, with a towel and robe and she hands me the legal notice and the d8 said "is that an invitation?" (Yeah, sort of). Normally this is something that is served on the hospital counsel, and not the doctor at his home to his family...and I should know.
I've worried about lawsuits as a cost of doing business, but this particular case was so crazy and unwarranted, H didn't even recall the patient as it was almost 2 years ago, literally. And the wife of the patient was a nurse...so wth?? She had to know my h's work had nothing to do with her h's problems (morbid obesity and prostate cancer which spread, and lead to having his testes removed....so umm, come on, it was not the epidural that messed up the sex life, please) and yet...here we were, missing work and paying out some big bucks defending and spending a fortune...TO WIN the dang thing... just thought a little feedback was in order but then, I was in a grouchy mood to start with....OH WELL....
RE: Your pain issues ---Have you heard of spinal cord stimulators? Somewhat new, (and pricey BUT some of the makers will work with you to get advertising on their behalf, fyi) but very helpful for selected patients. Much better than a TENS unit, but sort of similar in theory. (And I liked my TENS unit anyhow.) They're much less invasive than spinal "surgeries", you can have them temporarily placed so that if you don't like it, it's no big deal to remove them, and they have given great results in clinical trials.
With the stimulators being less invasive, and fewer meds needed, it's a possible 'win win'. H implants them, but the higher the disc, the weirder it gets. Which disc is it for you? More than one? Yikes. Good luck on that. He does interventional pain med (anesthesiologist originally) and there are a lot of options that were developed literally the past 5 - 10 years so who knows? There may be hope for your sitch. It sounds as if you've had enough of it all.
And a GP prescribing that at age 14, (?) wow... Of course, there are probably 10 million kids that age who would LOVE to know that doc's name.
Well, thanks for not slamming me!
Anyhooooos, I have seen your name and sitch before, btw. Been here since '06 and am I am in piecing, thank God. I'll have to go re-read your posts as I definitely recall your name.
j-
Glad we got it sorted
My probs are c1 to c6......and of course the higher it is the more of a problem. I also use my tens machine quite a bit, but I just can't get it positioned high enough often. I shall have to look into those spinal chord stimulators.
What happened to you really sucked and folks like that guy really are pariahs.
Hey Saff,
could you step over to miracl3s (sp?) thread and take a look? I was really trying to get thru to him. In fact, I was brutally honest and blunt with him. He didn't get it though. At all. Said the same thing over in his next post.
His posts actually go back to June '07, which surprised me. They all say the same thing over and over. W isn't happy, wants out of the M, sends out her red flares b/c her needs are not met, he "doesn't help out", he "lacks motivation/passion", etc. He asks us what to DO, But is himself "doing" nothing and he says he "wonders" himself if he really wants to...(which kind of makes me think that his W is on to something about the lack of motivation/passion...??) Oh, and He hasn't gotten around to reading the DB book(s), or "Five LLs", or any of the ones recommended or actions suggested, 20 months ago... But the titles of his threads are filled with despair and he's "in agony"(?) etc. Seems like cognitive dissonance; or maybe he's saying what he thinks he should say, but doesn't really do anything about.(?)
Anyhow, I've been pretty impatient this week and think maybe your eyes will see it differently, [i][b[/i]]OR[/b] maybe I'm a genius (!) and you'll validate my perceptions and echo them, and he can hear it from two people!
Oh, h was rear ended by a drunk driver on Friday and his neck is hurting. Getting an MRI and work up as we speak, though no impingement symptoms (radiating down the arms, etc. ) so far. More like pulled muscle we hope. Thing is, h UNDERSTATES pain in himself hugely. One time he said he had "kind of a bad headache" but guess what? He had meningitis. Few months ago, H had a "sore foot" and finally got it x-rayed...and it was fractured. So if he says his neck "really hurts" I worry. Yeah, I know. H is a doctor. Go figure.
Hoping YOUR neck and back are feeling better. Never underestimate the healing power of hot water (I love my hot tub and it does help the back pain--L-5/S-1 for me). If your pain is getting worse, do check out the spinal cord stimulators as well as some other devices that are using electrical means, radio frequecny, laser, and other methods to help.
(( j ))
j,
I went over and left a post. I had also been very puzzled by him when I first posted to him earlier on that thread. The time line thing etc just didn't add up.
I think you are spot on in your posts - I have just tried to temper the message down a bit and see if he bites....but some people are beyond help......as you probably realise I have been feeling recently from some other posts I know you have read that I made!!!!
Some people get held in this limbo place and just don't seem able to move on....it's painful to watch.
I hope your H's neck turns out to not be something too bad. I know that whiplash just by itself can be very painful. Is he better laying down flat?
Take care
Hello Saffie,
I've never posted to you before. And I probably don't deserve it, but I was wondering if you'd add your two cents to my thread, "Daring to love my husband."
I've been separated since May, and my H is taking me to a "settlement conference" tomorrow to try and settle things before he files, and I am frightened. I know I should not be, but I am.
thanks,
poet
Poet,
do you have a lawyer? Getting a lawyer, does NOT hurt your chances of a recon b/c maybe it'll POSSIBLY wake the h up about what the costs are and maybe he'll see you with respect if it's a 180'. Regardless, at a legal conference you need a lawyer and you need ot have some boundaries.
Please sign NOTHING without an attorney seeing it and please hire one if you have not done so before. I've never heard of a woman going it alone to "get along with h" and "not make him mad" (b/c what would he do if he got mad, leave you? Oh wait, he already is...) AND getting her h to stay with her. I'm not talking about taking him to the cleaners, though that does motivate some men to try again. But don't roll over as it does not make you more attractive to him and if you have children, you owe it to THEM to get treated fairly, so you won't regret a big mistake, later in life.
Sending positive thoughts your way...
j-
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#Post1700180Re: Partner left after 9 years - eclipses coming up!
25yrsmlc - have you looked at the abve mentioned thread much?
Am I being too jaded in what I say? I would value your opinion.
Hi Saffie, I have been reading your posts on "that thread", I tried many times to no avail, at first I got the nice replies but then it all went south.
So well done for trying and it was also encouraging to me that someone else thought the same as me! I was beginning to think I was the only one.
Maybe 25 will have better luck although true to form I have no expectations.
I also worry about the views on dating-she doesn't, just knows and falls head over heels, hmmm didn't I read a book that says something about if a thing isn't working try something else.
Ah well just wanted to thank you for making me feel a little more normal and not a total b***h.
Thanks naej,
I thought it was only me!!!!!!!
Sorry to post here, but I'm trying to locate your story, saffie. I saw that you posted something about "entitlement" on another thread. It struck me that I might have some of those traits, and then I went looking for your past posts to see if I could learn something.
If you could enlighten me on the concept of entitlement, that would be so helpful. My story can be found under Newcomers, "The Awakening," if you're interested.
Thank you very much, and I'm sorry for hijacking.
Lucky
Hi 25,
Sorry it took me so long to get back to you. At first, I was scared bec. I thought the above were talking about me
I'm often confused, but I'm getting better. Anyway, yes, I have a lawyer, but I'm thinking seriously about dropping her. H and I only talk when I call him and so far it's been almost two weeks, AGAIN. He never calls me and when I mention it (usually say it's been weeks) he always says, "Well, it'll get to be a lot longer than that."
My SIL says he's game playing, and I'm really off the rollercoaster this time. I have a pretty good IC, and trying to get my own life back together again. Anyway, thanks for your comments. I'm good in the way of lawyers.
I crash, emotionally, but far less now than before.
Thanks,
poet
Happy Valentines Day, Saffie.
Thanks NoCode.....and the same to you
Hey naej,
Remember who we were referring to before. Well she has actually had one of my posts to her deleted now so don't feel bad about whatever you said to her.
I have come to the conculsion she is either crazy or a phoney!!!!!
If you say anything she doesn't want to hear she goes into denial or feels threatened. I just don't know what her ex has to do to show her it's over!!!!!!
Hi Saffie, I had just reached same conclusion as you. Something doesn't quite add up. I hadn't noticed the deleted post,I had read it though and noticed no reply.
It took all my will power not to point out that the playground activities were not helping.Well it made me think back to when I was about 11-12ys old and passing notes on for friends!
Maybe a drama queen who just loves misery.
I am just away for the week.
Hope you are doing fine.
Yoyo, I replied.
naej, hope you are somewhere nice for your week away!!!!!!!
Morning Saffie,
I'm having another sleepless night, so I sent you an email. We haven't talked in ages. I will have more time now too.
found this thread tonight! wacky it took so long, sorry. Did you ever try to send a message to me? Bet not b/c the moderators here won't let us do that but this is a good reason for why it'd be nice to be able to contact each other via the moderators or some way of contacting each other privately. And since they don't let us post the emails...how else can we reach each other?
I found this by accident. No time to post more now but thought I'd post so I can return here later. I'll go to the person but given that other experience we had with mir3, (was it him?) I find myself noticing this more now. I NEVER saw rudeness or such overt "emotional blindness" back in the day, three, two and just one year ago. About a year ago I noticed the tone of 10% of the people here changed downwardly and it shocked me. Same with the time I gave that guy a pretty gentle 2 x 4 and he called me a ball buster and implied I dislike men or want to be a "ball buster" um sure....great point! Bet his wife gets VERY happy talking to him.
and the other day I told a guy I felt I was "enabling" him to repeat his pattern b/c there had been NO growth or change in over 2 years of posts I had been involved in and could not believe the almost verbatim repeating of his, like cut and paste from 2 years ago to us...come on, stop wasting our time and yours and your wife's, etc. It was just so frustrating to discover that. And then, others say it is really over 3 years and that they also felt so exasperated with him) and since I felt bad about that, the whole "enabling" thing was not something I wanted to do if he was only going to give lip service (and he does that part well, like he has a script of "healthy insights" but does nothing different.) So instead of wasting my time and his, etc. I posted that. HE then denied me access to post, which was kind of funny, and THEN posted to me HERE on DB, to meet him on facebook and posted the town I live in cuz it's near him????? Crazy man with NO boundaries...just his needs...and he has a lot of them. He could have called or emailed but wanted to make it public here, yet not allow me to post back in public, to him in reply...super brave and super healthy...yeah, I LOVE being publicly manipulated.
So there is a weird element on the site that I wish the moderators would focus on. Was not this way 3 years ago, that I recall.
I'll check on the posts mentioned here later on and check with you as well saff. If this is a hijack, sorry. But it isn't is it? This is OURS...right? Yep let's claim it!
(( j ))
Yep, I agree, let's claim it!!! LOL
Good to hear from you
Good to hear from you
What about me?
You too Doc. You have been pretty quiet on the boards......I keep checking your updates....and no emails????
will post soon. H came home tonight from east coast as a surprise. I had sent out a "red flare" two days ago saying "hey, what is our time line on this "arrangement" cuz I have some kids to raise who seem to need 2 parents, and I would like a mate, etc etc. and so, he came home for the weekend. We'll be having some M talk for sure.
And will post here soon. No worries, I'm being realllllllyyyyy niiiccceee.
((( j )))
Saff,
what's up in your Piecing world?
I'm working on a fear of a backslide in h right now. Don't really believe it when we talk or are together, and he came out this weekend for a surprise, which was nice. Went to the beach and it was beautiful and warm and d11 rode the waves...
And he did a job search in front of me (Don't ask me why he didn't do it before..."mine is not to question why...") Though it has been wacky to have him gone so long (and dangerous b/c I feel distant as heck when he's gone almost like "out of sight, out of mind..." which cannot be good. For now, I'm just watching and wondering wth he's doing. And trying to keep an open mind & heart. I know, His mom is dying, his big gamble and crazy plan on living up in the tundra/wilds, flamed out big time...after years of fighting for it. But he denies being depressed into inaction, and talks of happy things and makes no mention of the deaths we've had in our family the past 14 months, and are facing his mom's soon...odd.
But just b/c he's not acting like me doesn't make him wrong. We're different.
And that's okay...
Thoughts? Comments? Brilliant insights welcome....
(( j ))
25yrs,
Can you point me back to some of your earlier threads please. I wanted to read up on your sitch before I commented.
My H bottles things up I know.....he reacts quite differently from me. I don't know if it's a male/female thing or just different personalities.
We have been lucky and not had anyone close to us die yet, so I don't know how either of us will react when that happens.
I think living a long way away from each other must be very hard. I don't know if my M would survive that over a prolonged period although some M's seem to actually thrive on it. My H and I have always been a coulple that get on better the more we see of each other.
My M is in a pretty good place thanks. I learnt a lot with everything we went through, and although we still have our backslides they have been pretty small so far. I think both of us realised that we needed to make changes for good. The way we interact has altered a great deal and we both seem a lot more considerate of on another. Lets hope it stays that way.
So are there job opportunities for your H where you are?
Saff,
Good God I can't find those threads...or if I can, do I want to? Um, let's summarize b/c after all this is MY thread isn't it?
okay, after spending years being poor students in college, veterinary school, law school and medical school, we spent many years in the Army paying back for h's med school. (At one point I was also in the Army as a lawyer, b/c "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em".) One of the last assigments was to Alaska. I had trepidation b/c of the darkness thing...(I love the sun) and I was pregnant with our 3rd, but h had a sad gross job in the burn unit and needed out. So I said "let's have an adventure" and off we went. h LOVED IT THERE....the outdoors, the wild animals, the scenery when not dark (though honestly there are beautiful places, where we were then was NOT attractive, compared to the rest of the state). The kids and I found it a severe environment, small town with people who already knew each other, and you get the pic. So he never wanted to leave but thank God we had to. For the Army. He kept hankering to go back though he knew I didn't want to. I was now a SAHM and suddenly he was a jerk about that. As if my not earning money meant I had no vote in where we lived??
His mentor there really pressured us to stay. Said h would have to go to ONE MORE YEAR of training (h was a veterinary student when we married, then I did law school, and had a baby, and began working as a L, and then h began med school, finished, had another baby, did residency in his field, so you can imagine how thrilled I was at the idea of yet more training...)
No other place or job required someone with h's training to get MORE! No place. Lots of job offers poured in but NONE were as good as Alaska and ONLY ALASKA offered him a $$ gazillion$$ and that was just not true to me.
We fought about this off an on for a couple years and it embittered me as I felt very devalued. But b/c of son's high school, h says he agreed to wait...(I don't recall promising h that we'd go anywhere, i just said don't make son move 4 times in 4 years....)
well when son graduated, h went off to get more training though I strongly objected and said, Besides not needing this at all for your career, if you think it's all about going back THERE...no way."
H left before our d16's junior year in HS to get the training 300 mil away for a YEAR visiting twice monthly, and THEN went to live in Alaska while she was finishing high school--apparently always saying I would join him THEN...(that's what he'd tell the heroes who wondered where I was...) So odd also b/c h was a GREAT dad when they were little. Very involved as time would allow. Coached wrestling and soccer for son and played with d on the floor with her dolls. Really got into it. So I wondered how he could live without us and later on, he told me he missed us and he often sounded depressed to me. When I visited him, the staff noticed he dressed nicer and seemed more upbeat...
I Db'd and Db'd...h started calling me the day he passed his boards, as if he opened his eyes and suddenly noticed he was alone in Alaska. "Where is family?" Oops, NOT HERE...
Began calling me daily, sometimes more than once, to ask me to come up. "Begging" me to come up. Promises he'll be a better h, and the place he was is in the beautiful area, and the money promised was big, blah blah blah. Says he gets it. Promises many things....sounds sincere. I fly up to the state for his 50th bday and surprise him, and he cries...
Finally I decide to try it for a year after older d graduates from HS. I get a job there and it pays me well, for HIS company. I am their L. I see their books. I get nervous. All my fears about their contract and business structure are well founded, turns out. Indeed, they breached the contract with H, quite substantially and it becomes obvious to H that we cannot really stay. They make all sorts of promises, especially delusional hero who h now sees as not so reliable. Meaning hero realizes I am on to him and that the games of constant grandiose promises are not sufficient to me..."show me the money" is my internal mantra...
(I'm forced to pretend amnesia with H and never say "I told you so", as I had said approximately 0647867 times, "this is not a good contract or reasonable for a business" to h when I first saw his contract...)
We start deciding when to leave and how to say it, as H has longed for it for so long but even his father insists he is being "a fool" and that I, the wife, have done plenty enough already and it was a big mistake and H says "yes, big mistake, sorry" etc.
Does he grovel enough? Um heck no. But then, I see the dashed hopes and know he's embarrassed for gambling so much so stupidly...for such a smart grounded guy...I am still amazed this was my h....
But suddenly h's mom gets sick, really sick really fast. We fly home. She is terminally ill with same cancer hero's mom had and hero's mom died in 29 days. Literally. But h convinces his mom to "try" the chemo and radiation and she is still here (puff puff on the cigarettes, but what the hell? Who am I to judge? Seriously...)!
So we have a great excuse for leaving tundra.."Family Medical Needs"...blah blah blah and I tell h, after a visit out there, "We'll wait for you in California where our home is, while you attend to your mom on the east coast, for the SUMMER"...and a few deaths later (i lost some family these past months but that's a side issue) we have spent so much money flying there, and time....but i am home now, in California with d11. D19 is in college nearby (though abroad just now).
And I'm wondering why the heck it's taking h so long to find work here. He is doing work at the hospital on the east coast living with MY mother (at a home we own and she rents) and his weekends are with his mom. So, no I don't see an OW in the sitch. (My mom??...) I think he loves his job there, ironically. MAYBE he wishes I would offer to move there, MAYBE...but he knows if he asked, I'd scream.
Sure we know people there and family. But it's not the way I'd return. I love it here, for one thing. But also I need to see him put me and our family ahead of his job. For real. I'm flexible in a lot of things and frankly, it IS getting pricey to live here with the tax hikes coming. We can live in a state with no income tax and save a teacher's salary in taxes, literally.
But first, I need to know this is the partner H once was. We did not always move where he wanted; on the contrary. We each took the other's career into consideration for EACH move. Only Alaska was different and it was like h was crazy, a bit. I wanted him to get a neuro work up I swear. But as a doc, he's quite good and i do med mal defense and can say that with pride and relief. But that
only meant he was not "officially" crazy. Just super selfish.
thanks to the DBing, I think, h finally realized that even with being there, ALONE, it was not enough. Being with us, anywhere else, is better than being there alone. And sadly for him, even being there with us was not very good as he was mistreated. In hindsight I wonder what he really told them and how they could screw him so badly. He is not their first though.
Fast forward...older d is now approaching age 20. When h was first set to go, she cried and asked him why he was doing something that was "a dealbreaker for mom" and "is your job more important than your family?" (OMG I could not believe how well she spoke!) H was so quiet then, ashamed? Didn't really answer...in words. They walked around for 2 hours one day and she told him how she felt and cried hard and he still left. So when he told me the other day that he was "getting pissed" that she had not directly written to him while abroad, (but copied him in on one email), I really had to bite my tongue.
But I also had to speak up. That's when I spoke up and did two things: sent up a red flare saying essentially, "fine, I forgive the whole Alaskan thing ya da yada, but NOW, today, you are again 3000 miles away and I feel WAY LESS connected to you (TOO detached, if you catch my drift....) and so do the kids and you still have d11, and of course d19 does not feel close to you. As she said, you chose to "not be a part of her life for her last years at home"....what did you expect? I said this could happen at least 44 times to you, are you surprised? You are the parent and the one who left. And why not apologize to her and ask her for forgiveness? Re-build the R...own the damage you caused and be grateful you are being given a chance to repair that damage, I'm on your side, etc"
After the initial snotty reply, I guess he saw the light or something. Cuz he flew out here and made some efforts in the job search. I am strongly encouraging that.
Of course he should have done this long ago...of course. But I can't tell you what he was thinking...selfish stuff? Sure probably. But then, I think also he must be down about the whole dashed dream he staked so much on, and his mother is dying slower than we thought, thank God, but dying nonetheless. He won't let her suffer fyi, so she feels good about that and has done weirdly well on the chemo with NO side effects, I swear...(Well yes, lost her hair, but feels fine...wacky, and yes, still, puff puff cough cough yak yak puff puff...keep those cigarettes coming...) So who knows what is going on with him? I asked a 100 different ways "are you wanting out" "do you like it this way" or what? WHAT GIVES???? And maybe, as time alone will tell, something clicked.
So there we are. All caught up? Did I tell you once upon a time we were quite happy? And we've accomplished a lot and were very poor for a long time but now we arent' so much. Lately times are hard, yes that is true for me with finding a job. But h's job prospects are good. He simply needs to stop requiring so many job traits for his "happiness" at work and realize it is ONLY A JOB...OMG...seriously. Cannot imagine leaving my family for something less than the presidency...and even then only if they consented...
I hope, pray and sometimes believe that his values are coming to be, or returning to, the ones I thought we had. We'd be together, raise good people, (kids) and have adventures and make enough money to have some fun and a few nice things...nothing big about the money on my end. I knew we'd never starve and that h worked hard, but I didn't want him to go to med school, as I had heard medical doctors have little time for their families and I was right. I loved being married to a veterinarian.
H told me in the heat of the moment that he always thought I would always make huge bucks. Don't know why, as I ALWAYS aimed at the public service sector and "saving the world"...odd of him to have those expectations unspoken. But he did for awhile anyhow.
Not so much now. Seems calmer about it. Verbally supports my artistic endeavors and all. And is paying the bills. I have friends who say they'd love their h's to leave them and the kids in the nice house and pay all the bills and visit...and sometimes there are advantages....chick flicks, long baths, no talking during the news, toilet seat left down...etc.
But I know just from talking on this site that there are men who can connect meaningfully and want to spend time with their mates...and H says he does. But hey, all I know is what I see, which I told him. Now he seems to be getting it, for whatever reason. I have to wait and see.
Does this answer your question? Hard for me to re-cap it all...but there, I did it.
Can't tell if it's healthy for me, or not. I do choose to forgive him for the bizarre and long lasting behavior that was so painful. He never saw it as the rejection it felt like but the kids did. And so, he has to pick up those pieces with them. He wants to. I know that. I would hate to be him. It would kill me to know how much our daughter feels estranged by him. But she's open hearted, if you know what I mean. And our son feels lots of negative things about him but they get along generally.
I'd love to chat about piecing sometime. Like how you stopped yourself from going back in time now and then. I mean, when I see something that reminds me of his past behavior, I get very uncomfortable. H says I seem "too ready to bolt"...probably true. Feeling at moments, like I must protect myself. I stare at anything that looks like deception.
The other fear and I do feel it, is when he DOES come home...(assuming). I mean even in Alaska it was weird to have him around all the time as he gets kinda bossy and has a high activity level in the A.M.....heinously early...."Let's HIKE!!" "Let's FISH!!" "Let's HUNT!" Enough...'let's go to the theater"....(my words).
So I wonder if we have grown too apart and been apart too long to reconnect. IN bits and pieces it's fun, but how will it be full time over time?
Be careful what we wish for.
thanks for listening and reading this far...
(( j ))
hey saff,
don't think you have to answer a whole lot to this. But surprisingly, actually it was good to write it all out again, if only to see how far I have come. I'm going to be okay no matter what.
And I'm hopeful.
(( j ))
I'd love to chat about piecing sometime. Like how you stopped yourself from going back in time now and then. I mean, when I see something that reminds me of his past behavior, I get very uncomfortable. H says I seem "too ready to bolt"...probably true. Feeling at moments, like I must protect myself. I stare at anything that looks like deception
This has been a really hard area for me. I came to these boards post reconciliation , but reeling still a year on from the feelings I had inside. I just couldn't trust my H and I was still heavily medicated due to panic attacks etc. I also had been ready to bolt on many an occasion.
My therapist got me to start looking forwards rather than backwards. To always have something to look forward to, however small. My H also speaks to me a lot about what we are going to do in years to come in retirement, and that really helps. It's like he is sure we will still be together.....that was something that had gone missing for a while when things were bad.
I have found that the mentallity you need for piecing is one that you have to keep forever. I am constantly trying to take my H into account more. I do grieve the loss of 'innocence' in our M.....the lack of it being able to flow naturally without having to think about it - but perhaps that was why things went wrong in the first place, because I didn't attend to the needs of the M enough before?
I honestly think you and your H will adapt to one another again. It may take a bit of tweaking here and there but it can happen. You don't have to do the same things together all the time. My H hates my horses and so he does other stuff with some of the kids whilst I take the horsey ones with me and we arrange to meet up later and do stuff together. We also have date nights which we stick to pretty religiously and we meet up for lunch once a month etc. We make 'us' time.
I think though that my H is probably not as head strong as yours from the sound of your post.
Things in the garden aren't always rosy. For example, my H is working extra late this week and that makes me very uncomfortable as that's what he would do when he was having his A. But now I tell him that it is making me uneasy and so he talks with me about what is going on etc. It does help.
Hey 25yrs, you being a skin's fan, I thought you might find this interesting...
http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/redskins_ask_albert
KK,
wth? 2400lbs.?? um, I gotta go back and read that now cuz I must have mis-read it...too crazy
So glad you're a skins fan, but why? I mean, did you grow up there? I did. And had lots of brothers who taught me the game (and made me get the ball when it fell down the sewer b/c I was small enough...but hey, I got to play!)
( J )
OMG!! Kerry!!
That is too funny! I love The Onion for their complete irreverence!
Living God's blessings with grace and dignity~
SMW
I do like the sarcastic humor in the Onion.
Never have and never will be a skins fan. I dont really have a team, but I would root for the Browns or Lions to someday make it to the big dance.
I do like the sarcastic humor in the Onion.
Never have and never will be a skins fan. I dont really have a team, but I would root for the Browns or Lions to someday make it to the big dance.
(( j ))
Hi 25yrsMLC. I, too, have an Ivy League, overachieving husband who gets all of his validation on work and have no more energy left for his family. Whenever I bring this up, he feels guilty and now has ended up blaming me for everything and is with OW, his subordinate.
He has left and I see parts of your sitch in mine. I like the advice you gave to Shark, that's why I wanted to say Hi. I can see your lawyer training in the way you analyzed his sitch. Very nice. I really like the way your mind works. Wished mine could be as sharp as yours. If you have anytime to visit my sitch, I would appreciate it. I'm in Infidelity, PM thread #4.