I hope to be heading to "piecing" soon. My WAW wants to call off the divorce and work on our marriage. I just want to stay on the right path. We had no major hurdles - addictions, adultery or EAs. It's communication, expectations, unresolved hurts and partnership problems. We both just need to be honest, non-judgmental, handle problems like adults, work on ourselves.
So how do I handle her moving home? What pitfalls can I avoid? What can I expect?
The first thing that jumped out at me was the communication...it sounds like you would benefit from a retrouvaille weekend...there are several post around on this, it is a wonderful way to learn to communicate, and make it a positive instead of a negative, check in your area to see if there is anything coming up!
The key as in any of this is patience...and keep expectations to start with low.
I have looked into Retro, we would have to travel to attend and would miss the follow-up sessions. I did find out we could get all the materials and just work on our own.
Patience, ahh my favorite word. Expectations, I think I am in the right place. Baby steps, baby steps, baby steps.
That's great that your W wants to work on the M. You sound ready to tackle the issues. Things will improve in your M, though it will be bumpy along the way. Change doesn't occur without some pain.
Coach - how tremendous to see you here. Lots of work ahead, but I can't think of someone better prepared to tackle that work head on (wrong sport, right? but I'm at a loss for the right metaphors...). I don't have much advice to offer for this part of the walk that you're on - so I'll mostly just check in and say hi...well...
Coach just wondering how it's going?
Haven't heard anything from you here in awhile...
Need some perspective from over here. My W wants to come back home. She came over tonite to watch the debate. She asked me to sit by her on the sofa and she reached out and rubbed my arm. I didn't feel anything. It scared me. I am afraid of getting crushed again I think. I thought I would be happy with all my good news so this is confusing me. Advise and perspective please.
- Well, from my seperated perspective, you probably are afraid. Your sitch was in slow motion for awhile & now it has speeded up. You are probably watching for those curves in the road, that you don't know about yet. Do you totally trust her? Could that be an issue as well? Others will probably have better advise - for you mapping out a plan. But I think you need one. Is a dating type phase an option?
Yes there is a trust issue - my feelings, money. She broke my heart. What's changed with her? I guess I need to ask. Now that she is moving towards me, I am backing up. That's the confusing part. I now almost want to say ILYBNILWY, this is new territory for me. Detaching helped me cope now it is in the way. What tools do I need for the next phase of this?
I'm not where you are - haven't even been, so I don't really have a lot of first-hand experience. But it does seem like what you're feeling is completely normal - how could you not feel hurt and have problems with trust. Building trust seems like it might be one of the hardest parts of all this - since it means you'll have to be vulnerable to someone in a profound way again - despite the pain. Taking it slowly sounds like a good idea - though be cautious about your feelings - since you don't want some of the stuff that your brought to the sitch before to come back up again.
I wish I could say something helpful...
Have you picked up any books on rebuilding a marriage?
Just wanted to say I enjoy your posts to SMW a lot. You seem to have your feet on the ground. I have never been here and wont be. So, any advice would be -almost- worthless. But the feelings you describe sound normal and natural. It's the "watch what you are wishing for because you may get it" line I like to use some times...
I suggest you read Lan's (Lanzo)threads. He is a friend and has been working very hard to get his marriage back on track.
Good Luck, happy to see you here,
I now almost want to say ILYBNILWY, this is new territory for me.
Coach - I totally understand. You know my sitch. Many times sad to say - I wonder if I even want my H back anymore. But deep down inside - I do. Your wife put up walls & so did you. A natural defense. Just take it slow .... as the control switches back & forth from her to you & so on. What stage do you think you are at? (Friends, best friends .....)? Keep with the babysteps