Organizing my Life - DivorceBusting.com

Me: 50
H: 46
Married: 22 years Together: 23 years
4 children: D28 (married with 2 children), Twins 21 (B/G), and D15
Bomb: May 2004
Piecing since May 2005
Last Thread to Lock

Another thread locked, and these are the questions and issues that pervade my life at this time:

The wisdom of persevering with the M (how long, and when is it time to quit).
My own uniqueness in the universe, and how to find my own voice.
What is my legacy to the next generation?
How do I live a gratitude-filled life, as opposed to one that is guilt-ridden?
Balancing the roles of my life .... mother, wife, grandmother, friend, co-worker, student, spiritual being, relative, neighbour, and so on.

I think most of us feel and think these things, when they hit their fifties (or thereabouts). It's how one handles it, that will make the difference. At this point, I am coasting in my M, and just trying to enjoy the summer as much as possible. I have a trip to the USA coming up the last 2 weeks of August, visiting my eldest daughter and her family (I cannot wait to see my two grand-daughters). I have just finished a 1.5 weeks job at the local university, where I am on their secretarial casual list. I work a week here, a couple of weeks there, and it suits me very well. In September, I am back at university, full-time, hoping to get my BA at last.

So, I have a full life while pondering the larger growth issues in my life, as well as, spiritual and philosophical questions.

Prof. Randy Pausch (who recently passed away) asked in his book, The Last Lecture, "what makes me unique?" And, this has made me ponder my own uniqueness, and what makes me the person I am? I also then wonder what makes me connected to my fellow humans? Certainly is something to ponder during the last waining summer month. Prof. Pausch gave a lecture from which the book is based, and he felt this was a legacy to his children, so they could see, one day, who their dad was, and how he was perceived by those in his work environment (which was a culmination of his childhood dreams). I wonder, too, what my legacy will be, and what my children and grand-children will remember about me, and what they can learn from my life.

I have often felt guilty over things in my M, and other events, and am at last starting to let that all go, and learning to forgive myself. I also feel so grateful for all the miracles. and gifts that I have in my life. Most of them revolve around my children, but there are friends that I am grateful are in my life. I am also so grateful for this bb, for the beautiful place that I live, for all that I am able to experience, even the challenging times, for that's when we learn the most. I am grateful for my H, who is a good provider, and a good dad. Despite our problems, we are still friends.

My roles in life have been evolving of late, and changing. Sometimes, I find it hard to morph in to these different roles, such as that of 'mom of adult children'. It's all a learning experience, and I think that is what life is all about.

It's all a journey, and all we can do is try and learn, and change, and love, and be authentic and truthful (with ourselves, at the very least). So, with this in mind, let me end this post with a quote:

Science is organized knowledge. Wisdom is organized life. ~ Immanuel Kant (1724 - 1804)

Being Me!!!!!

Wow, ya need to take a day off.
I know it's only 4:00am here but that was some heavy reading. I have not even had my coffee yet. Is it really that important to find out "what makes me unique?
I just turned 50 and the only thing I think about is am I where I want to be.
I sure hope I am not still "piecing" 3 years from now. But who knows... as it is I keep saying to my self one more day, one more week.... pretty soon those days and weeks add up.
Take care and if ya come to California stop by...

Dr LOve

Mmmm, heavy? Not really! Maybe, it's just the empty-nest syndrome approaching, and I am just wondering what the heck I'm gonna do when I grow up. What can I offer my piece of the world that would be enjoyable to me. I do not want to be one of those meddlin' moms who don't have their own lives, and live vicariously through their kids.

I do have the whole summer off, so taking a day off would be too minimal (but, I know what you mean). $\:D$

Thanks for your thoughts, Dr Love! You sure are an early riser!!! I have never been to California, so thanks for the offer. If you're ever on the westcoast of Canada, give me a shout. $\:\)$

Since it's the holidays, I thought I would post a joke (see below). It fits in with my issues regarding communication with my H, and I can tell ya, there are times I would quite understand how the attorney in the joke feels.

A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney asked, "May I help you?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces."
The attorney said, "Well do you have any grounds?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres." The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"
The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."
The attorney said, "No you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge?"
The farmer said, "Yea I got a grudge, that's where I park my John Deere."
The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"
The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays."
The exasperated attorney said, "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"
The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30."
Finally, the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way. WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?"
And the farmer says, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her." Submitted by : Freddy

Being,
You continue to spiral upward. I hope your H is working on things in his own way, too.

CL

That joke is a good example of misunderstanding of words. I wonder if the attorney was a female too! $;\)$

Just checking in to see if anything has progressed. Sat yesterday and had lunch with two other D veterans. Perhaps not the best thing to do considering my sitch. What a way to spend my B-day, next week I'll be in Vegas though.

I am kind of getting use to the idea that I have done what I can and will now need to move on. Some ways, being able to be with kids, without a dark cloud hanging over my head, will be a nice change. Not the way I wanted to get there, but there non the less.

Some thoughts on my M ....

I am feeling I should just be in the M, and not think about leaving or ending it. And, see where that gets me. Maybe, H feels that I am on my way out, and is putting up fences as a way to self protect?

We are in the process of buying a new house (investment for our retirement, apparently), and I think I need to see us together in the future, and plan for that. If things really don't work, then I think I will know, and I will change my plans accordingly. But, for now, I will just be and take whatever positives I can from the R. I spoke to a friend the other day, who went through a similar sitch ... she said it took her H five years to realise the pain he caused, and to truly reconnect (he was also not interested in ML, and mourned the loss of OW for a fairly long time, etc.), and now he is just a fantastic H ... and they are very happy. She said it took a lot of work, and a lot of patience on her side. She just decided that she did not want to be divorced, and took it from there. They did, however, go to a MC for those many years, which we are not doing.

I am thinking that we should go to retrouville. Or, find a MC around here. We definitely need a third party to help us work on communication, and how we can rebuild the trust.

Anyway, got a load of housework to do, so will leave it at that.

Take care, y'all!

Being,
I like the tone of this post--a significant move towards acceptance of the situation as it is today, and a willingness to live the M day by day, and not hold onto emotions based on the past. This will be much better than tolerating things.

It will be interesting to see how it changes patterns in the M.

I'm hopeful.

CL

Thanks CL. I am hopeful too, and I thinks that's key ... not to lose hope of things being better, and different. You have certainly summed up my plan in a more succinct way. $\:\)$

I agree with CL. I like this train of thought. Definitely run with it. Perhaps H is doing the best he knows how, but with out the knowledge you have gained here. Some people do there homework better, your a good student BM. When you struggle, talk a little more to your veteran friend. Although all sitches are not the same, at least you'll have a good picture and an idea of where to go. Of course a good personal cheering section isn't a bad thing either.

Just got back from a week in the hospital. H had to fly home. I had a seizure ... never had one in my life before. They took brain scan, then MRI, then EEG, and put me on anti-convulsion medication. I haven't had another one, and will be seeing my doctor this week to find out the result of the tests. All he could say was that it wasn't a tumour, so that's a relief. It was very confusing because I remember talking to my H, then waking up in bed, and he said he heard a weird sound, then silence. He tried calling back, but no-one was answering. My D15 was away at camp, and S21 was at work. So, he phoned S21, and told him to go home and see what's happening. He got home with me just getting up from my bed with a sore right arm (all bruised), and my tongue all bloodied, and I was very confused. He called 911, and next I knew I was in the emergency ward, with H on his way home. I am now not allowed to drive until all is sorted out, and not allowed to travel, so couldn't go see my D28 in the USA this week.

Shows you how quickly life can change, and turn things upside down. My H has just left to go back to work, promising to phone me every hour on the hour. Oy! I feel like I have lost my independence, but I will find a way to get it back. I guess I will be taking the bus a lot.

Makes me wonder how many people from this bb disappear because of health issues, and we never hear what happens to them. Which is why I've posted this ... not for sympathy (I've had enough of that this last week), but just so y'all know.

Look after yourselves. Our health is so precious, and we need it to be good in order to deal with all this and be there for your kids (which was my greatest fear when we thought that it could be something like a tumour that could have longlasting impact). I am so grateful for those who were there for me, who thought about me, and prayed for me, and that this doesn't seem to be a life threatening illness.

Wow, I'm glad you are feeling okay after such a scare and hope all goes well with tests, etc. And I'm glad your H and family rallied around you. Thank you for letting us know. As always, you're in my prayers. ((hugs))

Well that must have been quite the experience. H seem to be right there when you needed him. This is a good thing. Can we say this is a positive. I hope you heal up and all works out well. Hopefully they will be able to solve the cause. I hate things that they can't solve a source for, you can't avoid something that you don't know what causes it. Rest and heal. $\:\)$

Journalling ....

Had another doc appt yesterday. The EEG results came back and show normal, so no epilepsy. Doc is sending me to a neurologist, and for another MRI to see if the swelling is down, and if it was hiding something. He also sent me for further blood tests. I feel calm about it all, except I'm so over being poked by needles. Ah well!

H has been kinda weird ... takes care of me, but when I expressed pain over not being able to see my D28 (was supposed to have flown to the USA to see her the week after the 'event'), and a little worry that if this is something that could be fatal, I would be deeply sad if I never saw her again. He said I shouldn't be silly, this was nothing, and I will see her again. I guess it's his way of negating what's happening. I just wanted him to hear me, and understand where I was coming from.

I have some other thoughts and stuff to record, but have some stuff to take care of. Just wanted to put this interaction in black and white.

'Til later.

I would take this all as a positive. He is trying to do his best to take care of you and to put your mind at ease. Might not be the way you want it to be, but he is trying to do what he thinks is right. Also in regards to his statement regarding your missed trip. Instead of seeing it as a "downplay" of your concerns, perhaps he sees you very capable of overcoming this challenge. Faith in your abilities. I could be wrong, but I don't think so. Think it over. $\:\)$

I will think it over, Phoenix. I think he's in denial, and not sure how to handle all of this. He's never been terribly good at caregiving when there's an illness ... with me, anyway. He will take care of peripheral things, like cooking, and cleaning, and taking care of the kids, but not the trying to make me feel better, or sitting with me, or whatever ... things I do, but I guess I can't expect him to act the same way I would. We are two very different people. Unfortunately, I need someone who can listen to me and be there emotionally, and he is not doing that. If, and it's a big if (but, it does cross my mind), this is something really serious, then I cannot waste time waiting for him to be there, to step up ... I will need him to be more than he seems capable of right now. This sounds awfully selfish, I know, but I have waited a long time for this from him, and even now, I don't get it. I wanted him to understand how sad I am in possibly not being able to see my daughter, ever again. That thought crossed my mind, when the doc said that it's not epilepsy, but we'll wait and see if the swelling is hiding something. It was really scary, talking to my H on the phone one second, and the next waking up in bed, bruised, tongue bloodied, and not remembering anything. And then, my son coming in, looking so scared, and asking me what was happening, and my not even remembering what day it was. I have been making a joke about it, saying maybe I sneezed too hard, or whatever, but deep down, I am afraid that there is more going on, and I may have to say goodbye to some of my precious children without seeing them again. Well, I'm not scared of actually dying ... I don't think so, but sad at leaving my children, and never truly having the M/R I truly wanted.

I'll be okay tomorrow ... school starts. Just feeling melancholy tonight, and lonely. The seizure was probably just that, and probably the only one I'll have. It sure did make me think, though, about time and life, and all that stuff.

Don't get me wrong, you are totally within your right to be concerned about his response. I was just trying to help you understand what I felt was a possible/probable scenario. Unknown medical situation would drive me nuts too. I have a S12 who, although we have a ballpark idea of what is wrong, we don't have a conclusive diagnosis. It makes it hard to deal with something, without a full diagnosis. In fact, they change the treatment on a bi-month to bi-month basis.

It's hard to deal with doctors and medications when you really don't see any real improvement or conclusions. In some ways I see it as a real "shell game", just another way to bill someone for a paycheck. I'm sure that's how you feel right now.

Your poor son, Phoenix! I hope a diagnosis is made soon, and he can get on with his life. I think it's worse when it's our children who are ill ... rather me, than one of my kids.

At this point, I have an appt for an MRI at the end of the month, so my doc can see if the swelling has gone down. I also have an appt with a neurologist in Victoria (our local one is on a year-long sabbatical) in a couple of weeks. Hopefully, this is an isolated incident.

I started school last week, and that is keeping my mind off negative things (unless you classify homework as negative). My courses all involve a lot of reading and writing ... Liberal Studies, English, and Creative Writing. Thankfully, next semester I am doing a science subject, Geology, so that will give my brain a rest from some of the creative stuff. Although, I will also be doing Poetry, and Lib. Studies. I am enjoying it, though, and am enjoying all the classes, so far.

I am not allowed to drive until I am seizure free for 6 months, so my S21 has been driving me and D15 to school, and picking me up after. D15 usually walks home. But, on Friday, I caught the bus home. I haven't been on a bus in years, and it was such a strange experience. I know, for many people, that is their normal form of transport, but I am so used to just jumping into the car, and going where I want. I rather liked sitting at the busstop, reading some of my next assignment, and then watching the scenery as we drove along. It's only a 20 minute drive, so really very easy. The walk home from the busstop was about 5 minutes. A little adventure, for me. I guess, after 6 months, I will be thoroughly sick of the bus, but for now, I am happy to use it.

H is home for now. There is a bit of a drama at work ... the company he works for has been sold to a big organization, and he is not happy about that. Anyway, they are trying to convince him to stay, and he will ... for now. He doesn't like working for big organizations, and the company assets are the people who work for them, so they really want to keep as many of their staff on board as possible.

We bought a little puppy, and that is keeping us busy. It's a mix shi-tzu/lasa apso (spelling must be really off here). He is really cute ... black and white and D15 has named him, Oreo. S21's husky is not impressed, and looks very worried.

Things seem to be good with us. We actually ML the other night! I was rather stunned! I didn't know how to react.

Anyway, that's muh journalling for now. I have the homework to do. $\:\)$

Wow! Your second-to-last paragraph was a surprise...I hope your unexpected intimacy continues. $\:\)$ It sounds like life is moving along with plenty of changes to keep you hopping, but it sounds like nice change overall. (Good luck with H's job sitch...we may be dealing with that soon too.) I hope all goes well with your doctor appts. As always, you're in my prayers. ((hugs))

What ever you did to cause the ML, KEEP DOING IT! Do you know what you did? Perhaps a little playful, inquisitive, "what ever that was give me seconds" approach. Could H have received a little wake up call with your incident? Be supportive to him while he is struggling with this job situation. Show confidence in him, that he will do the right thing. Be sure to say it.

Hi Phoenix! Not sure what the heck I did, but will think about it. Perhaps, it was the whole seizure things, and the thought that it could've been something really serious, and it might still be, since the docs still can't say what the diagnosis is. Will find out next week at the neurologist.

I have always supported my H where his career is concerned, and will never stop doing so. He knows what he's doing, and he knows that I will support whatever decision he makes. I think there are times that he wishes I hadn't, when things didn't quite go the way he expected. Oh well.

Life goes on ... have lots of work to do at school. So, off to bed I go.

Just a little scary journal ...

Off to the neurologist tomorrow ... and a little nervous (actually, freaking scared) about what news he might have concerning my seizure. If anyone has a spot in their prayers ... please say one for me ... for me to be calm, and things to be as they should. Thanks.

Otherwise, all else seems to be going okay. The ML has not been repeated ... oh well. Not sure what to do about that ... probably a one-off thing.

Take care, y'all.

The neurologist wasn't as scary as I imagined. So, that's over, for now. Still have to figure out how I'm going to get D15 to her activities while I can't drive for the next 5 months. We are fairly new to this city, so don't know many people well enough to ask. I think I will offer to pay for gas if some of the people can pick her up and drop her off for cadets. As for school, she's going to have to walk or ride her bike.

Otherwise, things are going well. We have a friend visiting, so been going out the whole weekend.

Take care.

Glad things are looking up for you physically. Don't be afraid to put the church people to work. Maybe a little more responsibility for D15 might just be the ticket. She might quite enjoy the chance to shuttle Mom around instead.

My S16 is enjoying the new challenge of learning to drive. How close is D15 to that stage? Any good new on the R front.

Hope things are "looking up".

D15 turns 16 next month, but can only get a learner licence, which does not allow her to drive alone until she is 17, where there are some restrictions for a year or two (can't remember exactly). So, not much help except to drive me around. She will be able to drive the 50cc scooter, but the rainy season is upon us, so I don't think she's going to be too eager to do that. Oh well, it'll all work out some way.

I had another seizure ... in Walmart, of all places. Luckily, I was with someone (a doctor), and the staff at Walmart got the EMS guys there quickly. My meds have been increased, and now I am walking around on eggshells. I have told one of my profs, and will probably tell the other two, just in case something happens. Ugh! I have to find a way to move on with my life, however.

Fortunately, H has been pretty supportive. I spoke to him the other day, and expressed my needs ... again ... and, this time he seemed to take it to heart. We'll see!

BTW, I turn 51 tomorrow. Yikes! Where did the time go!!! Otherwise, life is good. $\:\)$

Crossing my fingers that H makes some positive effort in your M, and concerned for your health.

Happy Birthday to you BeingMe!!!

Happy Birthday Being Me!!!!!!

JAK

Happy Birthday. $\:D$

$;\)$

So, do they have any better idea about what is causing seizures?

Maybe this whole problem will help H realize what his responsibilities at home are.

This might be one excuse the profs haven't heard yet.

Have a good day and try to not be the "cleanup on isle 3".

Thanks for the birthday wishes!

Wow, it seems like yesterday we were all wishing you a happy 50th! Have a great one, Being Me $\:\)$
Btw, in two weeks I will have been separated for one year.

Hey Being Me, I'm lookin' for a Queen to accompany me in my new duties as self appointed King of the Surviving forum. I'm thinkin' what better combination than two ex-Military Police persons, we could spend our time handcuffing each other and doing all sorts of neat tricks with our Batons. We could even club those who are banished. Think about it, there's still time to apply for this pristine position. We could rule this friggin board..or at least direct the posting traffic! Grab me a traffic cone. It's all good $\:\)$

Hahaha! Wii, you are so funny, but weirdly true! What better people than ex-military policemen! Mmmm!

I do think there will be a lot of directing of traffic through.

Hey, I became clean-up in the washroom at ABC Country Restaurant on Tuesday, and just got outta hospital (had another frigging seizure at the hospital so they kept me in for 2 days). These seizures are getting on my nerves (excuse the pun). The MRI shows that the swelling isn't down, and the neurologist and neurosurgeon think that it's either a low grade tumour, or scar tissue from birth. I'll be seeing them next week, or the week after. Whatever it is, I hope it can be sorted out soon. If any of you are praying people, I would appreciate your putting me in your prayers in the next coupla weeks.

On the R front ... H has been awesome. I am starting to think that life is way too short to muck about with one's M and family. My poor H is looking really tired and worried. So, whatever it is, I'm a gonna fight it.

Take care y'all.

When I check in with the big guy tonight, I will be mentioning your name. I pray that all will be well. Isn't it amazing that something like this could bring out a side in your H you've been longing to see. I guess all things are indeed possible, aren't they. Please let us know how things are going and vent here any time, I'll be dropping by.

Hey there--sorry things are scary in the health dept. As always, my prayers are with you. Take care, ok?

My prayers are with you and I will make sure your name is in the right places. I am very pleased that finally you get to see how much your H does care. Hopefully there will be a medical solution soon, but the concern and support will continue. Monday I will be in your region, however just passing through. My thoughts are with you.

Thanks for all your prayers! I sure need them, and appreciate them. I did have another seizure on Saturday, but it wasn't as extreme as the others. Unfortunately, I fell and cut myself just below my eye. So, off to hospital again. I am starting to get to know the nurses, paramedics and doctors by name. It's a small hospital.

Anyway, I am finding it hard to go to school, or concentrate on schoolwork ... the drugs make me feel woozy, and weak.

Wish you could visit, Phoenix, but hope you have a good trip.

Off to see the neurosurgeon next Tuesday. Another step in this more recent saga. I am just trying to take it one day at a time.

Take care.

Happy Canadian Thanksgiving everyone! Hope you are all having a wonderful long weekend. $\:\)$

We'll all keep praying for good news on Tuesday, Being Me!

Any news you can share? Thinking of ya tonight!

Would mind a visit, but wouldn't want to destroy any success that might be happening in your R. Could see another trip up your way before the snow falls. There's a friend of mine that lives in your area that needs a visit from me. Haven't seen him face to face for quite awhile.

I will pray for you and give the idea some thought.

Thanks for thinking of me, Wii! I really appreciate it. Will write more news tomorrow.

Phoenix, H pretty much knows about this site, and most of the people I communicate the most with, so you won't be messing anything. Thanks for thinking of that though. Would love a visit, and maybe you can attend our W? $\:\)$

Let's see what response I get from my friend and we'll play it from there. Very likely will happen.

Hey BM, have you been over to my last thread lately? I started some political blogging, ya know trying to GAL and expand my horizons, and they locked my thread! I tell ya, those Americans are always screaming about freedom of speech and then when a well meaning Canuck throws in a few thought out comments about the Presidental race he gets shut down. Probably just as well, I was about to start on Canada and suggest Stefan Dion might have done better if he'd thrown in a few F words periodically during the debates, like "You are a f'ing liar". It would have taken all the attention away from his poor English, made him look like a strong, passionate leader and turned the election around, but WTF do I really know anyway.

So, any news from your end that you can share? I hope we'll hear from you soon.

I have now, Wii! Sheesh! Ya can't take you anywhere!

BTW, my one lecturer is from Alabama, and he has the accent (so cute). Do you think I should mention the proposed name change of his state? Probably not, 'eh!

So, our weekend drifts along. My D16 is out gliding in this sunny, windy weather .... eek! H is busy finishing off our basement, S22 is on the computer after teasing the puppy, and I have just had a marathon chat with a friend, and need to get busy on my research projects. Fun, fun, fun!!!

Anybody have any opinions about Rachel Carson and her contribution to the environmental movement? Or the debate on doctor-assisted suicide? Fun subjects, yes!???

Phoenix, is there a possibility that I would know your friend? Just a thought.

Could be, I'll have to look things up, make some calls. I'll keep you posted with a time line. Just got back from my trip up to T.O. All went fairly well. Almost took a detour in your neck of the woods, but didn't want to get home too late. Playing hooky after being gone as long as I have, wouldn't have gone over too well.

Well, it's been a busy two weeks. Besides our own elections here in Canada and catching up with school work that I lost during my 'holiday' in hospital, my dear youngest daughter turned 16, and went for her learner licence. Eeek! She is one busy teen --- currently she is attending a weekend survival camp with the air cadets (oh yes, she was promoted to sergeant). I am very proud of her.

Otherwise, life goes on --- I am still trying to come to terms with my disease (whatever it is). The shadow showing on my MRI is very small, so much so that the neurosurgeon couldn't operate even if he thought it was something. It hasn't grown between the two MRI's so that's good.

H started a new project last week, so it's the first time he's been away since the seizures started. My S21 is here so he's able to help with driving me. Thank goodness! Once I'm stabilized, I'll be able to catch the bus.

Really having a blast with the courses I am doing at uni. Love writing, and reading. Even when I get marked for it.

Hope everyone is having a good weekend.

Hang in there. The fun of life is being able to have revenge on your kids. Wouldn't recommend your method though. $\:D$

Keep going strong. Is H still supportive and concerned? If so, do you perceive this as a positive. Keep up the good work.

Yes, H is still supportive. My poor kids had such a hard time last night --- had another seizure, but back home. H is away so they had to deal with getting me to the hospital, etc. They are such heroes.

Do you think it has been a little bit of a reality check for him. It would sure put a bit of a kink in his day to day if something drastic happened. Perhaps we all take each other for granted, this whole experience has shown both of you what each other really means. The Lord handles things in his own way and own time.

I have made it a point to make this a building instead of a tearing down experience. Hopefully this has been the same for you. From what you have said, I believe it has been. Stay strong, keep the faith. $\:\)$

Hang in there, Being Me! $\:\)$

Thanks Phoenix and Wii! I appreciate the check-in and 'shuck on the shoulder'. I need it right now. Feeling a little drugged out since the neurologist increased the meds, but still have to somehow function at school. Quite the experience. H comes home tonight, so S21 will have a bit of a break from driving D16 and I around. H has been very supportive, even while away --- checking up on us regularly, phoning in the a.m. to wake us up (the drugs keep me very sleepy so it's really hard to wake up, never mind get up in the mornings) and getting me out on the weekends. He even talks to me more!

I am still struggling with the loss of independence. I know it will come with time, once these seizures are under control. But, it's still new for me, and I get very frustrated. I read on an epilepsy message board of someone who was stricken at the age of 30 and lost his job (he was a realtor and one cannot drive for some time until seizures are under control), his family (wife divorced him, and got full custody of the children because she says the seizures frightened them), and so on. It took about a year for him to finally get control, settle down and move on with his life. He did this by moving and following a career that he always dreamed of doing - art. And he became very successful at it. He remarried. He's had many other challenges, but he feels at this time that the epilepsy forced him to make choices that worked out for him, that he wouldn't have made before.

I guess one can compare this to going through a divorce, or the struggle of a spouse's MLC, or any kind of R challenge. We are never the same afterwards. I have mostly come through the R problems, and have seen the light of just accepting things as they are. Now, I have a new challenge, and I need to learn to let go of trying to control the uncontrollable in myself, not just in others. I have to learn to let others help me when I can't help myself. It's going to take awhile, but I'm sure I'll be able to do it --- eventually.

Well, enough journalling for the day, and musing, etc.

Y'all have good weekends! $\:\)$

It all must feel very frightening, Being Me. I guess life really is adjusting to what comes our way and very rarely does what we know life as now remain forever. Somebody once said that when we die our in boxes will never be empty! We keep thinking that when this or that is taken care of then life will be OK but life just keeps throwing us more curves. I guess those curves are really a big part of what makes up our lives and makes us unique! You'll handle this curve like you've handled the rest of your life, with courage and spirit! Keep on journaling whenever you need to, we're here for ya.

Thanks for keeping us posted BeingMe. As always, love and prayers for you. ((hugs))

Thanks again, Aud and Wii!

Most days I'm pretty positive, but there are those odd ones when I feel really down. Part of today was one of those times. I was just waiting for my S21 to fetch me, and I had just discovered that I had missed an English quiz because of the last seizure, plus I didn't get marks back from my rewrite of an essay I had handed in for Lib. Studies, so wondered if the prof. had given me an extension after all, or if the rewrite was the same mark or worse than the original. Ugh! By the time S21 arrived, I was in tears, wondering if I wasn't wasting my time at uni. I feel like all I do is spend my time in the hospital/doctors, or at uni or trying to catch up with work I've missed because all I do is spend time in the hospital or with the docs. I feel dizzy sometimes.

On the other hand, I really love having something to look forward to away from the cycle of hospitals and doctors. So, as my H says, "do what you can, enjoy it best you can, and if you fail, at least you had fun." I can't fault his advice. I tend to be a perfectionist where schoolwork is concerned and it irks me to be behind, but I will just have to live with this until all is under control. AAAAGGGGHHH!!!!

S21 gave me a brilliant bear hug earlier and that always makes me feel good. What would i so without my precious children? Can't imagine.

If ya got this far, thanks. It's good to just get it off my chest, as it were.

So many steps have been taken in the healing of our M, that I rather forget them. Things are not perfect, but it's a far cry from a year ago. Today, my H called me 'babe' in an email, and that was one of my goals way back when the whole EA was still happening. It brought a smile to my face, and a little 'take that OW'. I know, I shouldn't get too full of myself, but just that little word brightened my day.

Otherwise, I hadn't had a seizure for 1.5 weeks, then I had one last night and then this morning. Not grande mals, but head jerkers nonetheless. At least I didn't bite my tongue --- I hate that. I still went to class, and glad I did. I just wish the docs could find what that shadow on my brain is, or the meds will start controlling things. Ah well, all in God's time, 'eh!

\o/\o/\o/ Yay BeingMe's H! I'm so glad he did that...I know I starved for my H to use his 'nice' pet name for me, and when he finally did, I felt like things were headed back in the right direction. I'll never take it for granted again.

I too hope you find some resolution for these seizures soon...so frustrating. As always, you're in my prayers daily. $\:\)$

That's a big step, enjoy that, you've earned it.

I've been very busy, but I have been following your status.

As plans firm up, I'll keep you posted.

Over the past few years my W had a pet name for me, if I recall correctly it was "whyareyoustillhere". I think it was some kind of long native indian word she picked up somewhere, special ain't it! I don't really miss it.
Hang in there, Babe!

Mine was "yournotneededaroundhere", which became "didn'tyougetthememo", followed by "whyisyourstuffstillhere". However, it has become, "kidsneedyourhelp" or "canyoudomeafavor". There's a lesson that XW needs to learn, the canoe at the dock. Stepping in and out becomes more difficult as the boat moves away from the dock. So either get in or get out.

BeingMe, I'm glad your H is getting in, especially at this time.

Originally Posted By: Phoenix_spark

Mine was "yournotneededaroundhere", which became "didn'tyougetthememo", followed by "whyisyourstuffstillhere". However, it has become, "kidsneedyourhelp" or "canyoudomeafavor". There's a lesson that XW needs to learn, the canoe at the dock. Stepping in and out becomes more difficult as the boat moves away from the dock. So either get in or get out.

BeingMe, I'm glad your H is getting in, especially at this time.

Wow Phoenix, she must have worshipped the ground you walked on if she had that many pet names for ya. I'm jealous!

You two crack me up!

Hey, do you know how long it was before I realized "f@ckyou" wasn't just some kind of hoarse coughing noise she made due to perpetual Bronchitis! Who would have known that?

Guess you're a slow learner in some things, 'eh Wii!? $;\)$

And, you guys sure do crack me up too! Thanks for the giggle --- I needed it.

All this time I thought she was trying to keep the pathway clean for me to walk on, just to find out she was trying to hide the evidence that I was ever there. Is it wrong for me to introduce myself as ATM or Daycare when in the company of XW, that way the only way she would have to claim me is on the tax return. How appropriate, a write off.

S16 says that "the dream" isn't all XW thought it was going to be, he is having a hard time dealing with XW emotional roller coaster. I about died laughing when S16 said, "she needs to get some help". Wait, this was the woman that said, "I don't see how a counselor is going to help either one of us". Even my littler ones are asking when they are coming back to my place before the visit is over. He says that most of these "options" that she was pursuing don't seem to be working out, go figure. That wasn't greener grass lady, that's astro-turf (yes fake, doesn't feel the same).

They say art reflects life. Let's see what movie/TV show reflects my life. Could be "Married with Children", but that doesn't apply any more. Have to consider "Punked", but no one has come out from behind a wall yet. What's that one with Bruce Willis? He's D and every time he goes to see his X and kids, all hell breaks loose, buildings get destroyed. Well at least it hasn't gotten to the Stephen King level yet.

Here I thought all along that XW was trying to teach the cats, dog tricks. Neither one of us knew if she was talking to us, especially when she kept saying, "roll over and play dead". Still don't know "play dead", but I have been schooled in "roll over". (No choice).

Hey Phoenix, what about the show Jacked!
As far as your W saying counselling wouldn't help, here's what mine said when I asked her to go to MC with me "Why should I go for counselling, it will just show that I'm to blame and have a lot of problems. Well, I already know that so why go?"
Life really is a sitcom, isn't it!

Well, here is the part I don't like about my H travelling. He is stuck at some airport because of Thanksgiving. And, probably won't be coming home for the weekend. Ugh! We spend so little time together as it is. We don't talk about much on the phone --- you know, the usual, "how are things going", "I did this at work", "did that at school", etc. We ML the weekend before last --- whoopdedoo! But, there was little intimacy in the act. He was awesome when I was going through this seizure thing (still happening, but much milder), but it's like he's gone back a few steps. Maybe he sees me as a family member that he cares about and doesn't like to see hurting? When the bomb was dropped, he said that a lot, "I care deeply about you, Deb, I just don't love you as a H should." Maybe that's how he still really feels.

Sorry, just feeling a little down today. Must get into my studies --- have a research paper due next week, and I still don't know what to write about. At least I am able to get away from real life a little when I'm busy with school stuff.

One positive thing in my life now --- D16 got onto the Principal's List at school. That means she got straight A's, which includes Physics. Wow! I am in awe! I am a proud mama!

you should be very Proud!!!! I started college as a physics major which was very unusual for a woman in those days. i had to live on the other side of the campus and I was the only girl in all my classes. i gave it up in my junior year because my soon to be husband decide to go back to professional school and one of us had to work, There were not many jobs available with a B.A. in Physics. so i switched majors. Then got a graduate degree in a subject I was not that interested in, so I would make a higher salary. Encourage your daughter,comsidering all the resaerch that is going on now, there are so many possibilities!!!!

Seizures? For no apparent reason? My youngest child had seizures at 6 months. i knew they were happening, but the doctors thought I was a crazy MOM. I insisted on a eeg . then all hell broke loose. the same doctor who called my husband and said I was a neurotic Mother and he should get me help, called and said get to the hospital right away, After 10 days in the hospital the doctor said she would never walk or talk and had the most severe type of epilepsy. I took the baby out of the hospital and brought her to a famous hospital in NY. It was a reaction to the pertusis (whopping cough) shot . The epilepsy medication the brilliant doctor had given her , was very wrong. it took a year to wean her off. Trust me this child has a Master's Degree and certainly walks and talks. If you are not happy with the care you are getting or don't agree with the diagnosis, GET ANOTHER OPINION!!!!!!!

Strange, but my D21 had whooping cough at 3.5 years, and then developed epilepsy after. Doctor also thought we were nuts, but then he actually saw her drop (she had the petit mal) and was quick to seek help for her. She outgrew it by 5 years, and slowly came off her medication and was off it by the time she started school. She too is fine now. I didn't know there was a specific link between epilepsy and whooping cough.

As for me, I will be going to the main hospital in our area in March where they have an epilepsy program. Unfortunately, there is a bit of a wait, but I am in the care of a neurologist (who is 2 hours away, since we do not have one in our small city) who is monitoring me with MRI's. I did have an EEG which was clear. I do have a shadow on my left frontal lobe, which is too small to operate on, doesn't look like a tumour, and hasn't changed size between my two MRI's, so far. Oh dear, I think I'm repeating all of this, but I guess it does help to remind myself of it all. The medication effects my memory --- forget words and such --- not situations, just words. Very frustrating since I am in college. The other day I just couldn't remember the word 'eclipse' in the middle of discussing Galileo --- I actually blushed. Not that he had much to do with eclipses as such, but it being part of the heavens, I did wonder if he investigated them. Anyway, I'm off topic again.

Yes, my D16 had great plans for the future and I do encourage her. She wants to either be a fighter pilot or an artist (specifically animation). It will be interesting to see what she ends up doing.

Thanks for visiting my thread, bizarre. Much appreciated.

Glad to see you back on the "radar". When I don't see some of you friends on here I get a little concerned, especially with your recent medical history. I hope your able to get the help you need before it becomes a real problem.

S16 said something about XW the other day that has had me thinking. Perhaps there is something going on in her head, non related to me, that seems to be screwing up her head royal. S16 was telling me how XW goes from calm and happy to way off the deep end for no apparent reason. We got on this subject when he said he was glad to see me happy now, since I don't have to deal with XW any more. He said that he's likes coming to my place since things are more stable. I was happy to hear that, but concerned for the children also. Some days I wonder if their going to show up on my doorstep for good.

This week is going to be tough. I'm not sure how much of a true family environment this is going to be, but I will try my best. The kids do seem excited, but a split Thanksgiving bugs me. I find myself apologizing to the kids for things I have very little control over. It's been tough being non-judgmental especially when kids take the approach of, "what the heck is Mommy doing", "that's not right". "Well, you'll have to talk to your Mom about that", seems to be the phrase of the month.

I really do need to start my own thread, but I don't think piecing is where I should be.

Hi Phoenix! It would be great if you had a new thread, but posting on mine or Aud's is good too. For us to catch up on your sitch, that is. Well, I don't mind.

I think for holidays you should get rid of all the old traditions, and start new ones. The daddy traditions. If the kids are having turkey at mom's, let them have homemade popcorn and games at dad's. Or something along those lines. Just a thought.

I hope, otherwise, thanksgiving turns out to be a good one. We in Canada had ours in October, so we've had plenty of time to get over the huge meal and ready for Christmas. Whether that's a good thing or not, is debatable. $;\)$

So this is where PS hangs out? I still vote for your new thread to be in Hopefulness. Aren't you hopeful about your new life? You really sound so much better and even happier!

BeingMe I am embarrassed to say I haven't been by here for a couple of months, and last reading where you weren't so sure about staying in the M. I am so sorry to learn now of the seizures. The lack of independence must surely be maddenning!

OTOH, the whole dynamics of your thoughts and your M has changed for the M. I think Someone has plans for you that includes you staying M and has brought your H closer to your life.

Ok, back to comedy central. Bring on the smiles!

Hi WCW!

Quote:

The lack of independence must surely be maddenning!

Well, it is somewhat amusing when I have to wait for S21 to take me to school and pick up. How the tables have turned!!!

BM,

Only just found this thread!

WRT your epilepsy. I know I have told you before that I suffered seizures as a teenager. When I had EEGs they found what they described at the time as a 'malfunction on the left temple'. They never did find out why and I have been seizure free for 30 years now (gosh even I didn't realise it was that long). The last one I had was my first day at high school. Can you imagine how that affected my ability to make new friends? To this day I still find it hard BUT I have my health and that is all that matters. They never did find out why I had the seizures although they suspect it was with the onset of puberty. I've come through 3 pregnancies ok and just hope I do the same when I finally reach the menopause as these are obviously all events that are linked to the same hormones that they think might have triggered my seizures.

I just wanted you to know that they can go just as quickly as they first appear but I appreciate that it makes life far more difficult as an adult than it did for me as a child.

Take care.

Thanks for you assurances ACJ. I hope mine does just go away, but I'm not that unrealistic to think that they would. I had another bad seizure on Wednesday ... a milder one in the afternoon, and then a harder one in the evening, where H had to phone ambulance. Ugh!

Thankfully, classes are finished for the year, and we just have exams next week. The following week we're driving to Illinois to visit D28 ... it's a long 36 hr drive. But, I haven't seen her in a couple of years. We tried to get flights, but our airmile plan has that period blocked out, and we sure can't afford more than $1000 for tickets.

Anyway, hope there's no more seizures this year. Doc has increased the meds to the max, so this is it, or change of meds. Pray for me if you're praying people, please. $\:\)$ Thanks.

Okay, I came over here to find BeingMe ... but have you considered your xw may be bipolar? I have XSIL who is and she goes from euphoria to the black hole.

Being Me: I just got an e-mail back from Pete. He said he will be looking for your e-mail. So, if you are interested in this project, the address is on WCW's thread to check it out and apply. Pete wants a 500 word submission about why you want to be involved with the project. The site where I found the ad wasn't specific and I didn't realize this so I submitted a 500-word article about my experience walking around for 9 days with a ruptured appendix and how the whole experience changed my life. So, he said a "few" days and any new applicants will not be accepted. There isn't anyone on the project from Canada so I'd say your odds are pretty darn good if you want to do this.

Just my own caveat about your recent experiences with seizures and your marriage -- I certainly would see it as a good sign that your husband is being involved. My own experience, and my surgeon said one more day and I would have died, seemed to be in the arena with now XH deciding he wanted to be single after 25 years of marriage.

I just turned 55 last month and my 50's have been quite the experience. Age 49-1/2 ruptured appendix, peritonitis, toxic shock, etc. 50th birthday H gives me surprise party with video cam including friends all over. Just before 51st BD, XH wants to be single, moves out. Just before 52nd BD divorce final. For my 55th birthday, the first e-mail in my box is from XH wishing me a happy birthday. <big sigh> Who understands MLC?

Thanks Glenda, for your empathy, and also for the info about the project. I sent off the 500 word submission today ... I hope what I wrote is enough. I've never applied for anything like this before, so I just wrote what came to mind. I live in Canada now, and am a citizen, but I have lived in the USA too, and am originally from South Africa. So, been around the planet somewhat.

I've also wondered about Phoenix' XW ... her mental state, anyway.

My H is a kind person. It's one of the things that attracted me to him. My first H was not, in fact, the complete opposite. I am glad that that part of my H stayed around. The worse part of his MLC was his disconnection from reality. He still loved his children, and "cared deeply" for me and regarded me as "part of his family and always will." Weird!

He and my D16 were crying while I was going through the seizure on Tuesday (or was it Wednesday ... aaaggh, my memory sucks), and it broke my heart. Sometimes, I wish I was more unaware of what's going on around me, but the meds prevents that. S21 is more practical and takes charge, thank goodness.

Sounds like your XH is starting to come out of the tunnel, Glenda. Would you take him back if he asked? Or has that ship sailed?

What part of IL do you visit? Maybe we can get together and talk about Phoenix Spark.

BeingMe, The odd part is, I would probably reconcile with him in some way if he asked but that would be a long way off since I really doubt I will ever be married again, even to him. At least at this point I don't think I could muster up enough trust. He is in Texas for 5 years, I think, and unless this book project (or something else) proves to provide enough income that I can flit around as I please I don't see me leaving Alaska since all the kids and grandkids are here.

WCW, I am still angry but that is as much because I'm tired as anything. I know there is no way to see the future but the way it looks righ now, I don't ever see retirement in my future now. That in itself makes me angry, I have worked for many years, was going to retire at 58, since he will have a pension that will be about 2.5 times what I earn a year -- well, we would have had a pension, it is all his now.

Everything I got in the divorce I ended up giving to the IRS (penalty for early withdrawal of funds) and debtors and it wasn't enough to be out of the debt I got from the divorce.

I live in the fixer-upper from hell (I guess God showed me for saying I'd never live in another fixer upper) because it was all I could afford to buy and the sellers were not forthcoming on the disclosure statement. Yes, I could still sue them and I could probably win a judgment but THEN I would have to figure out a way to collect it. The courts only award -- so, I haven't pursued it.

I work full-time and earn more than a lot of people but I still can't pay everything at the end of the day. So, I've tried a couple of network marketing, actually am trying a third now because one merged with another company and reworked the comp plan so instead of earning $500 a month in commission I'm getting 0, the other one is a good company but has just never taken off for me. So, I did some company auditing as an independent contractor and learned that most of the places that promise a bonus never pay it, and the flat rate barely covers my gas costs let alone pay me for my time.

So, it is how does one go about healing and "getting back out into life" when all one does is work and sleep. Not to mention, I just don't have the desire to move back into a serious relationship -- no trust. I don't even have the desire to get in a 'friends' relationship.

My XH was a very kind, caring person when I met him. He was very grounded and knew what he wanted from life. I think we might have been able to ride out his MLC but we were in a transition mode when he 'decided' what was best for us and that he wanted to be single. We had our loan approved for a new house in Anchorage, and were getting our house we'd lived in for 20+ years ready to put on the market in the Valley, we had been house hunting together and not found anything yet. We were standing in our kitchen and I asked him about getting together with the realtor to look at a couple of more houses, nothing too unusual, and he just looked at me and said, "I don't think I want to be married anymore." I still dream about him, us, our family ... how do you shut that off?

I guess that is one reason I don't visit the BB too often. It is still so hard to see the struggling, the hopefulness, and look back at the last five years of my life knowing there probably isn't anything I could have done a lot differently but it still hurts and it still brings me to tears to read some of the postings here. A close friend recently told me I live too much in the past ... I don't know how to live my life differently from what I am. I don't have the finances to travel or even to meet my friends at a restaurant they go to every Saturday -- so, 99.9% of the time I stuff it in a box, close the lid, go to work, or work on my place and just don't think about it. Day to day is all I can manage.

I hope you join the The Book. I am excited about that. I have a couple of short articles that were published and my thesis -- so I'm nervous but excited.

Hi Glenda! I remember your sitch! I am surprised you didn't get a portion of your XH's pension.

I think I may join the Book, and I hope we get on the same team. It's a pity we can't exchange emails now on this bb, so we could be sure to be on the same team (that's if you want to of course). I have only had a poem published so you're way ahead of me.

I have exams tomorrow ... Liberal Studies. So, back to the books. I need to have an outline of two essays ready. The one is about the difference of the love of God between the author of the Cloud of Unknowing, and Margery Kempe. The second is the reason for the comic scenes in Dr. Faustus.

H is away in California on a project. He left yesterday, so just me and S21 and D16 at home. He'll be home on Thursday night and that's after my last exam.

Hope y'all have a good week. $\:\)$

Well, WCW has my e-mail. If you have her's, she certainly has my permission to pass it on. Or, you can check me out on my myspace page ... is there anything against that? I don't know all the current rules since I haven't been here much in the last few months.

EDITED - PERSONAL CONTACT INFORMATION IS NOT ALLOWED. You must comply with the DivorceBusting.com Board Rules if you would like to continue the privilege of posting here.[/b]

What happened, a spat or someone get too cozy? I know lots of people on here used to e-mail and call each other.

Hi Glenda! Not sure what happened, but suddenly we were not able to get other people's email. I was not visiting much at the time either. Maybe it's changed since. Anyway, I got onto your MySpace ... love your dog ... so cute.

Hi WCW! What is IL (probably a dumb question)? I do have Phoenix' email ... we've been at this together for about the same amount of time and exchanged emails from quite early on.

Anyway, y'all!!! Wish me luck on my exams today. EEEkKKK!!!

Quote:

The following week we're driving to Illinois to visit D28

IL = Illinois

BeingMe, I emailed a hotmail address I thought was you. Did you get it? if not, I think Phoenix can hook us up and then I can hook up you and Glenda. Or maybe that's old now if you found her!

The mods got heavy on the boards and kaboshed posting emails, I think they added new rules too that said you can't do that, and then started banning people if they did. Sure got pretty wild and silly.

Good luck on your exams!!

Ah, it was a dumb question. We will be visiting D28 at Scott AFB and her in-laws in St. Louis, MO. I will check my email and see if you had the right one. I will ask Phoenix to give me yours if not. I did get onto Glenda's MySpace.

Just got back from writing my exams. Hoo boy!!!! I will take a bit of a break before going through my stuff for Thursday. The brain feels like mush. Bad enough that I feel like I'm running at 50% capacity with these drugs I'm taking. Ah well, life is a challenge, ain't it.

Geez, I must have been gone during the "mod" hoopla. BeingMe did get in touch with me and I do hope she joins The Book and we get the same space to work in. Not sure how many pretty much novices there are. I know I'm one, so they may split the novices into the experienced groups. I make a lot of critique comments about the story ideas but I did not submit one.

I actually went all out, for me since the divorce, and put a small necklace of Christmas lights in my office. Other than that ... just not going there. Holidays are the worst. It was always a time of putting up the tree in the "main" family home with all the kids, grandkids, etc.

But, my mood is good. I think it is all the excitement about The Book! :-)

Hope you did well on your exams. I've actually been contemplating getting vested with the state and going back to college for a nursing degree. I've already got the science and math with my degree. I'd need clinicals, but I spent some time already as an EMT. And, then get advanced nurse practitioner. Had I known what was coming down the pike, I would have stuck with medicine to begin with. Then, I think I'm too darn old to want to go back to school again.

One is never too old to go back to school, Glenda. $\:\)$

Well, the exam went okay. I'm a bit nervous. I did, however, get my final marks for Creative Writing (Short Stories) - A-!!!! I am well satisfied with that especially since most of the marks I lost were grammatic errors. My prof seemed to like my stories. Next, is English ... on Thursday.

I think I will be joining the Book (if they'll have me), Glenda. Just need to get the exams over, so I can look at the contract fully.

Last exam is written for the year. YAHOO!!! or YEEHAA!!! I got an A for my English research project, so hope that keeps my marks up. Didn't do too well in the mid-terms since I was in the middle of all these seizures. I think I got a B- or something. If I get a B with all the craziness I've been experiencing, I'll be perfectly satisfied.

Now to plan our road trip to IL. Hope the weather is going to be kind to us on the way. We'll probably go via Seattle - Salt Lake City - Kansas City - St. Louis - Scott AFB. So, if any of y'all live in those areas, please tell me what the weather is like next weekend, please. $\:\)$

Otherwise, life is not too bad right now.

Except I have a puppy that's whining. I have never trained a puppy in my life, and my H decides to buy this one that seems a little dumb with the housetraining. Ugh!!!

bye for now.

Congrats! I just heard from Pete that you have joined us on The Book project.

As far as the puppy, what type of puppy do you have? That's more just nosy than anything to do with training. I've house trained a lot and one thing I find works well is training me.

Puppies seem to have very quick transiting of either food or water. So, until they were six months or older, I would give water and in about 15 minutes we would head outside, play for a few minutes, puppy does his/her business and I praise like crazy. With food, I would feed, wait about 20 minutes, take puppy outside and usually within about 10 minutes business is done. I praise puppy and we head back in.

Bad, bad habit of mine since my 6-year-old and 4-year-old German Shepherds still sleep in or near my bed -- with small puppies (6 to 12 weeks) I kept them close enough that their squirming at night would wake me up to take them outside. Every puppy I've had seemed to need bathroom relief at least once during the night and sometimes more, even when I didn't give any water after about 10 PM.

Good luck with that. Are you traveling with the puppy?

Thanks Glenda. Been checking out the forum today. Exciting.

As for the puppy ... it's a cross shi tzhu/laso apso. Very cute, but dumb as can be. You should see him running through the snow, bounding up and down, ears flapping in the breeze, tongue hanging out. It's a sight to behold. His long hair is frozen when he gets inside to the warmth. Oy!

No, we will not be travelling with the puppy. S21 will be baby-sitting, thank goodness.

Have a great trip, Being Me! $\:\)$

Puppy sounds very cute!

When do you travel? your whole route thru the midwest USA is not very good weather this week. Travel may not be much fun but enjoy your visit!

Thanks Wii and WCW. I am nervous about the weather we're going to encounter. It is snowing right now, so I have no doubt it will be doing so further down through WA, ID, UT, and whatever other state we will be travelling through. My D28 says they had ice rain last week. So, I hope that will be gone by the time we arrive.

Steady as she goes is what we'll do. It's a pity I won't be able to drive 'cause H will be doing all of it. Yikes!

It's cold, but not that snowy yet. However there are some saying that it will snow. I guess we'll see. ID and UT, now that could be a different story.

ID is really snowy right now...when do you leave?

Hi Aud! We leave on Friday morning. We are going across Idaho from Spokane, WA to Butte, MT, along Hwy 90. Probably stop off to sleep in Missoula, MT. What's the weather like up in northern ID on Friday?

I am starting to wonder if it's a good idea to go, but I so want to see my D28. I haven't done so since 2006. And we have travelled in this kind of weather before. Just hope we get there before Christmas.

What to do, what to do????

Mmmm...I'm down south, but I looked up the panhandle's weather, and it looks about the same as here: snowy, cold.

Just take your time, enjoy the ride, and be safe. $\:\)$

Good luck in Spokane and eastward. A lot of school closures, limited travel, etc. Be careful, take your time.

BM<
enjoy seeing your D, hope all goes well and you arrive safely. Is your H still being supportive?

Hi all! Well, we did make it to our destination safely. Was quite a trip through South Dakota and Wyoming - windy and blowing snow on the roads. A bit touchy in Idaho, but not for long. We surely did take our time.

H is still supportive, thanks for asking, bizarre. He is still somewhat distant on an emotional level. He will not 'fight' for me, or put himself out there in that way. There is very little romance, or gentleness (unless I'm having a seizure). He never tells me he loves me unless it's at the end of a conversation. That is something I have noticed recently.

But ... I am not going to allow myself to worry about these things. He must do what he must do. I have come to the conclusion that life is too short to worry about his motives, or why he does this or that. I doubt if he truly loves me 'in that way', but he is there as a treasured family member. I know he worries about me and is concerned especially for the children's sake. I cannot and will not ask for more.

Novel over. Hope y'all are having a blessed season. $\:\)$

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He never tells me he loves me unless it's at the end of a conversation.

I meant at the end of a telephone convo, if anyone was wondering. $\:\/$

We're going back home via MO, North CO, Salt Lake City UT, Yakima WA, Seattle then onto the ferry to Vancouver Island. If that's your route, can ya let me know what the weather is like please? We leave early New Year's Day.

Otherwise, things are going alright, except I had two seizures on Saturday while out with my D28. They weren't too bad, thank goodness, 'cause I have no med, insurance covering my going to hospital for this condition in the USA. So, I have instructed her not to call 911 ... hardly worth it, anyway, since there's not much they can do except monitor my symptoms.

It has been great, however, seeing my D28 and grand-daughters again after 2 years. We got to get to know our son-in-law a bit better too. He seems to always be away when we come visit.

Hope you all had wonderful Christmases and next is the New Year. Woohoo! We'll be on the road, but I'm sure we'll see fireworks on the eve in the area we're staying.

Sounds like a great trip. Things are pretty much bare and dry all the way from here all the way over Snoqualamie. Things look pretty good through the Blue Mountains. I you come up along the Columbia, Satus is traction tires advised, but looks pretty do-able. Of course do the passes during the day, much easier to handle. If you get in a jam, don't be afraid to call. I'll be in town till Friday, then I'll be up in your neck of the woods late Friday, through the weekend.

I hope this trip is giving you and H a bit of a chance to reconnect. Hopefully he is showing you some of the affection he has been afraid to show.

If you folks need help, don't be afraid to call, I'm in the book.

Thanks, Phoenix! Much appreciated. $\:\)$

BM
So glad to hear you were able to see your daughter and grandchildren. It is so hard when they live so far and we can't be part of their everyday lives. I have no grandchildren but my daughters live far and i do miss them.
You say you accept the way your husband is, was he ever more emotionally connected? I might need to take a lesson from you and just accept what h can give and not expect more. Do you ever wonder if you will get back to the way you were when you both loved each other? Do you think that it is possible? I really wonder if it is in my sitch and also if I can accept it being less than what it was.

I'm baaaack! We arrived home on Saturday night after a 3 day drive. We slept over in a couple of small towns, the names of which I cannot remember. If any of you live in Nebraska, or Wyoming, or South Dakota, or Montana, or Iowa .... please tell me .... WHY? And what do y'all do there? Mind you, I saw hardly anyone there, so I guess you all live on big ranches or something. I saw many horse trailers, lots of cattle and even sheep. And, a lot of sky! I mean I live in a country where if the whole population stepped over into these states, we would barely be noticed (we have a small population here in Canada), but we do have the excuse that most of our country is cold, especially up north.

Anyway, we had a good time visiting with family. Returned with D16 and myself in the depths of awful colds/coughs. Ugh! So, if any of you in Nebraska see an epidemic of colds in the next week, that was probably us passing through. Sorry! You can say thanks to one of your air force sergeants passing that on to us. Thanks S-I-L .... um, not. $;\)$

I will think about your question, bizarre, and answer later. $\:\)$

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I saw many horse trailers, lots of cattle and even sheep. And, a lot of sky!

Isn't it great?!!!

When I drive thru big cities and residential areas I ask the same question - If you live there, why? I have an aversion for all that concrete.

Different strokes for different folks. Be glad not everyone wants to live in your place, and I'm glad not everyone wants to live in mine. Although with all the new houses and urban sprawl it feels like it.

Oh,don't get me wrong, WCW! I love wide, empty spaces. I just wondered where all the people were. I guess they're all in Omaha City, 'eh!? We live in a very small town and I have always dreamed of living on a farm or ranch or even an acreage. But, I am happy with where I am now. We actually have a big enough plot around the corner from us where the owner, a lawyer, has alpacas. Cool! The only real traffic is when the ferry disgorges itself. Haha! Darn ferries.

I actually thought of you when I saw all those horse trailers and wondered if this was the type of life you live. You always sound so satisfied and content with that part of your life.

Anyway, it was quite an experience driving through that part of the country. Don't think I'd like to do it in winter again with that wind blowing the dry snow across the roads. Eeek!

Take care.

Happy New Year BM. glad you are back safely and that you enjoyed your trip.

I'm glad you made it home! And that you got to enjoy time with your loved ones. Hope all is well. $\:\)$

"Missed her by that much..."

You can keep the cold though.

Thanks Aud! Just came home with an awful cold, after D16 having same. She is fine though, but I'm still sneezing and coughing. Waaaa! I want my mommy! $\:\)$ S21 is a good replacement though ... good, not great! Aw, he is taking care of me, best a young man can. $;\)$

Yucko colds...I have one too. Glad your boy is good to help!:)

Here's something I wrote in regard to my sitch on someone else's thread. This doesn't happen very often, but every now and then, my H gets this way, and it makes me so mad in that moment. Then I try and let it go - one of my goals in life is to let IT go. I just don't know how to respond. He gets really passionate about this, and angry at himself. I wonder if he's depressed. He can't seem to relax or have fun. There are times I walk on eggshells, but not sure why. He's not one who
can settle into a job longer than 2 years (since leaving our homeland), but it's getting shorter and shorter. He also mentioned recently at how much he misses home, but there is nothing there for us. He knows this. I feel sometimes that he is toxic to our R, that he is white knuckling it, and I don't want a R like that. I have to give this some thought.

Quote:

Oh gosh, yes. We are the psychic readers of our spouses, predetermining every wish, every need, every desire. We must always be strong and 'there' for them, while we get nothing (although my H seems to have changed in this regard to some extent). I still get the bored look when talking about my interests, while he can go on and on about his work and other stuff and I must be endlessly interested (which I usually am because I care about him). At this time in my life when I am going through some scary health issues, now he wants to talk about how unhappy he is, and how everything he touches turns to sh!t (sorry, his words)? One thing that can cause seizures is stress, so now I am worried about him, but trying not to stress out. Let me point out, he chose this career, he chose to travel, he chose all this (and we, his family, just has to fit into his plans), he wanted to come here where it ended up being difficult to travel from (for another great job) and now when it's not quite working out perfectly (the weather at this time) he wants to complain? He should be grateful for the excellent job he has, IMHO, at this time when the economy sucks.

Just some journalling .... about my one and only sister!

My sister and I have been somewhat estranged for several years (actually, there has always been a distance between us since I was little - she is 9 years older than I). When my seizures first started, she did send me flowers which I thought was really sweet. That was August 2008. Last night was the first time I actually heard from her ... we were talking on the phone, actually in a really pleasant way when I went into another seizure. Quite a bad one. Ugh! She told my S21 she would phone back today, but she didn't - that is typical behaviour. I fell asleep on the couch tonight, otherwise I would've called her, but maybe I shouldn't. It takes a couple of days sometimes to get over a bad seizure, so I'm still somewhat groggy and my brain feels muffled.

I have always wished for a better R with my sister. I don't know why we are so distant ... it's been that way for so long. I went through a time when I looked up to her, and agreed with everything she said, but she is the type, unfortunately, who cuts you out of her life if you somehow disagree with her. She can hold a grudge for years for the smallest slight. Also, she can tease you, sometimes mercilessly, but does not appreciate you returning the favour. She is seldom willing to listen to you and take someone else's point of view into consideration.

I love her, but I decided awhile ago that she must come to me now (I have always been the one to go to her, to make friends). I was very surprised to hear from her last night. I hope this is a first step.

Now, the above makes my sister seem like a really awful person, but those are just the traits that I find negative and hurtful to me, personally. Generally, she is a funny person, very intelligent, great at telling stories. She sure has had her fair share of pain, and illness. Stomach cancer which she survived after a lot of pain (her stomach was removed), multiple heart bypass surgery, HBP. I am an example of blooming health in comparison. She has come through all this like a real trouper and I admire her strength and bravery.

Ah well! Family! Watcha gonna do, 'eh!? But, these peripheral R's do influence one's marital R and the ones you have with your children, in some ways, even if only a little. I think I have to just accept that we will never be close ... not at our ages. Sad, really.

This is so very true. I have an older sister who is like a light bulb, sometimes very bright, other times no one is home. She really doesn't reach out much, doesn't want others to involved in her problems. If it wasn't for her husband, I don't think she would be in touch with reality some times.

No solutions/answers on the seizures yet? You are on my mind and in my prayers. Still S.O.S.O.?(Same old same old)

I have a similar R with my brother. He left home at 17 and now lives at the opposite end of the country to me. I once invited myself to stay at his home thinking that our children should get to know each other better. BIG mistake I have never felt so unwelcome in somebody's home. Last time he came to me he drove 5 hours to get here, should've stayed the night (it was D18s bday party) but drove all the way home again b/c he took a dislike to something my mother said!

Sad when one's relatives are so sensitive to every little thing. Life is just too short to spend time holding grudges, or wishing that something could be different after years and years. Have to move on and let it be. My sister was telling me that she is not speaking to me eldest brother for some of other reason. I didn't even ask why. She has still not called me back, and I don't know my niece's number. Eh! Whatev!

Sure don't need any added stress.

H and I went to see that Mall Cop movie (not sure of the real title). It was very funny! I am into watching stuff that makes me laugh and lifts my spirits. I am going to try and lower my time watching the news ... it can be such a downer watching news about wars and hunger, etc. Although, that plane crash/landing on the Hudson River in NY, was just amazing. It made me feel that there is hope in this world, that some plane crashes are survived by everyone. That there can be peace, there can be positive change. And it shouldn't come just because there is an American black president (although that must be so inspirational for every African American). But, because each of us wants it. For our marriages, for our children, for our jobs/careers, our communities, and so it goes outwards like a ripple in a pond. We all should just wish it to be so. To pray for that.

Here is a video that really is inspirational:
http://www.maniacworld.com/are-you-going-to-finish-strong.html

Nice video! A nice pick-me-up.

There sure is a buzz around America. Sully or the Inauguration are the lead off of every news cast. We can all use that feel good feeling, it would be great if it lasts!

Maybe it will spill across the border....good luck!

I think it has, WCW! I am watching our Canadian News now and, of course, they are covering the inauguration of Pres. Obama. I hope this feeling of hope and positiveness makes a difference on the stock market for awhile. Sure is a historical moment. I wonder when we will have a black/chinese/east indian president here. Probably not a big enough group yet. I am sure all the Americans on the bb are very excited, and so you should. $\:\)$

There aren't too many countries in the world where you have such an orderly and peaceful transition of power - even after 200 years of this. Although I did not vote for him, I wish President Obama well and hope the world does not throw too many curve balls at him. $\:\)$

Daybreak, I wish the same. $\:\)$

Some news ... it seems my little shadow on my brain has grown. So, I will be having an operation some time in the next month - biopsy and removal. Hope it's not the big C, but whatever it is, I want it out of my head!!

I would appreciate any prayers and positive thoughts, especially for my family because I think it's worse for them to have to watch me go through this.

Hi BeingMe

Just happened to notice you on here just as I was about to log off for the night. Haven't swung by your thread b4 but it aint far 4 me since I am in piecing-ville too.

What caught my attn was your mention of prayers for the "shadow" on your brain. I know this sitch all to well unfortunately as my darling had a tumor diagnosis at her brainstem just as we were about tobe M'd about 7 yrs ago. So I know (from the spouses spot) what that is like.

Needless to say I will be praying for ya.

Good night and God bless you!

T

Thanks for the update BeingMe. You are always in my prayers...but I'll happily include your loved ones as well.

I had my tonsils out last week, my first surgery ever, and I'm sorry you have to do that, there's just absolutely nothing fun about it! But I hope the surgery goes well, that the shadow is benign, that you heal quickly and are relieved of the seizures you've been dealing with.

xoxoxo

BeingMe, thoughts and prayers for you and your family. Stay positive!

You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Thanks everyone. I am scared, but it's the type of scared you have just before the rollercoaster takes off. I am almost excited because this could mean the end of the seizures and that would be awesome. I was in a bit of shock on Thursday, but mostly past that, I think, although I could be fooling myself. $\:\)$

Anyway, I appreciate all the prayers and positive thoughts coming my way, especially for my family. $\:\)$

And now, the big questions --- how to DB when there are major health issues??? How to handle a M that's not quite in balance while going through the stresses of other issues outside the M????

H is being supportive, as much as he can seeing that he is away all week. I still doubt his loyalty and love and feel he is being as supportive as he would be of any family member. I don't think I'm anyone special to him --- no more special than a beloved cousin or sister. I wish it were different, but nothing much has changed since the initial return to the M. I don't know what else I can do. He cries when I have a grand mal seizure and my D16 holds him back because there is nothing one can do (and her and S21 are the ones dealing with this during the week). But, he is the same, mostly, at other times. So, it's just because he sees someone in pain, which is such a nice trait. But, I don't think he loves me any more than he did 4 years ago. Perhaps I am wrong, and he just doesn't know how to show it, but I doubt it.

Oh well, we are a family and we are all on this journey as such --- for now. Once this hump is crossed, then I will see what I want to do about it, if anything.

Again, thanks for all your thoughts and prayers. I really do appreciate them, and I do believe prayers are heard, and it's all in God's hands.

Take care.

Being Me, I too will remember you in my prayers. My advice is don't DB right now, deal with your health issue. First things first. Keep in mind what H is doing for you, don't analyze his commitment etc right now. When we're under stress we can make all sorts of what may be faulty reasoning seem plausible. I know when I'm down with a cold or the flu somehow it seems like the right time to navel gaze about my life and it always seems sh!tty somehow! Who'd of thunk it

But when I'm on the mend much of what I saw so negatively before just takes on a whole new light. Now, I know you've had these ideas about hubby before, they aren't new but now is not the time for analysis etc, now is the time to take care of you and get rid of these darn seizures. Go with that for now, it's enough!

Sounds like the best plan to me...lets call it..as if. The break might help you mend better. Maybe stress is part of the problem. Just my opinion.

Beingme ..what is the prognosis with your brain "shadow"?

My darling just had to get her brain MRI's and CT scans done again. She was diagnosed with what was believed to be a chordoma of the clivus region of the brain 8 yrs ago.

My prayers are with you and your family.

T

I agree, Wii. I should just concentrate on getting better. Phoenix, I also think it may be related to stress. Thanks for your well wishes, Tomato. The docs don't know what this thing is, so I hope there will be some clarification once the biopsy has been completed and the tests done which could be up to a month from now.

Keeping you in my thoughts. As a former sufferer of seizures I can empathise with your mixed feelings.

take care

I am home from hospital ... yay! There was a visible something that the surgeon removed, so that's always a good thing. Physically I'm okay. Spiritually good. Mentally exhausted. My left eye is swollen so difficult to type.

Take care.

Take it easy BM. Leave the updates til you are physically stronger after your op! Glad to hear you are feeling confident.