Is she coming home to the Real Deal???

Here is my thread from the newcomer forum http://66.111.66.234/ubb/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=24;t=005691

Hi all,
I have spent the last 2 months at the Newcomer forum and my stich seems to be changing so I thought that I would check in hear. My W has said she is still intersetd in the M but is not sure how things will work out. I’m not sure we are at a point of rebuilding right now but are at least talking about it. She ended things with the OM last weekend. This will be the 3rd time, but I think she did it this time for her!

Here is my last post from my thread from yesterday:

My W called this morning at work to discuss somethings and then told me that the OM called her this morning and wanted me to know before we went to see the MC. I thanked her for telling me. She said she told him it was over and I believe she is genuine about it this time. She also told me that she realized that I did a good job fulfilling her need for conversation and the OM did a good job filling her need for recreation. I see a new goal here!! My W also talked about not getting rid of the our old R altogether but taking the positives from it and working with that towards a new R.

We went to see the MC and talked about a number of things. A couple of the key issues are that our M became stale because we didn’t have any conflict (me being a conflict avoider) which lead to a lack of passion, my W needs excitement in her life, we have been very good at co-parenting and good friends but there is no SPARK. More goals. The MC talked about being loving and be loved vs. be in love. She talked about the fantasy of the A and how when you don’t know someone on a deep level you both have a fantasy of the other and it fuels the “in love fantasy”. We also talked about some of the things I would need to re-gain trust in my W. The MC asked “What will the new R look like and feeling like?” I had that very question written down on a piece of paper in my pocket (thanks Mick) and shared it with the MC. However, I didn’t have the answer written down. I shared some of my thoughts and my W shared some also. I will work more on this and define what this new R looks and feels like. We scheduled 3 more sessions with the MC for the next 3 weeks.

This evening I screwed up and brought up a couple issues. I told her I needed to know if the OM called again. I told her I was little “gun shy” right now and that it would take me some time to open up to her and I told her I needed some affection from her such as a hug or hand holding every once in a while. I think I jump way too quick on these issues. She said she doesn’t know where things will lead but that she wasn’t choosing me over the OM, but she knew the OM wasn’t for her in the long haul. She is not sure I am either, but said we would both be better off in the future from what we are learning. We talked about going out Sat. night and she said that I need to let her come to me sometimes and let her ask me out. Lastly, she told me she needed to move out of her place and either move back in here or get an apartment. I told her I need a little time to think about it and we would need to discuss what it meant if she moved back in here. I will ponder this for a few days at least. She needs an answer in about a week. Is it to soon???

I know she is and will have tough time for the next few weeks and I will continue to treat her lovingly.

Here is what I need to do. Give her time and space. No pressuring. Let her come to me. Be loving but not overly available. Let her bring up our relationship. Do what works. Be there for her when she asks. Not avoid conflicts but be respectful. Continue to have good conversations with her about everything but us. Be more exciting. Have faith. Lastly - be patient. This is a marathon. Baby steps.

Good night all.
Patiently,
Tim

Any thoughts would be helpful.

"Here is what I need to do. Give her time and space. No pressuring. Let her come to me. Be loving but not overly available. Let her bring up our relationship. Do what works. Be there for her when she asks. Not avoid conflicts but be respectful. Continue to have good conversations with her about everything but us. Be more exciting. Have faith. Lastly - be patient. This is a marathon. Baby steps."

Dude, I think you know what you need to do, you said it all right here.

Forget about your marriage, work on your relationship, and mostly your friendship with your wife. If you do that, I think you'll be doing OK!

Don't talk about the R, just DO IT! Have fun together, and be friends. She seems open, so there'll probably be plently of time for the heavy R talk later.

Enjoy and celebrate each other as much as you can right now. If you can do that, I see that good things are in your future!

[ March 14, 2002, 02:04 AM: Message edited by: Jamesjohn ]

JJ – Thanks for the response. I appreciate your comments. I also think that things will be OK after she gets through the pain of ending the A.

I do know what I need to do and need to continue to be strong.

She asked me out for a fun date Friday night, so that is a step in the right direction. Building on our friendship first and work from there.

I am concerned about her moving back in and I need to know from her what her intentions are and what this means for us. Is she committed to the R and re-building the trust or is it because she likes our house and misses the kids?

Thanks again!

"I am concerned about her moving back in and I need to know from her what her intentions are and what this means for us. Is she committed to the R
and re-building the trust or is it because she likes our house and misses the kids?"

Try not to let these questions consume you. They'll only add to your confusion, keep you second-guessing her actions, create expectations, and take away from any positive times you have together.

What's important is that you'll be in the same house together, and have more opportunities to work your changes.

Hang in there, buddy! [Smile]

Thnaks JJ - I have been leaning towards her moving back in cuz i think it would be good for us both, but i do have concerns which i will work through.

Here is an update:
My W and I are spending a good bit of time together and I guess that is a good sign. It may be one of the “rebound” things she mentioned might happen, but I view it as baby steps. Last night she asked if I wanted to watch a movie she rented after the kids went to bed. I said yes. She asked if I minded if she spent the night since it would be late when the movie was over. I said I thought that it would be OK. She also asked if I would like to go out for dinner tonight before we go out or for breakfast in the morning on Sat. I told her I would like to go for breakfast – more relaxing. This should give us a chance to talk about her possibly moving back in and not effect our evening out.

She has been very appreciative of everything I do around the house and has made some nice gestures to do nice things for me. It is almost like she is nesting – trying to get the house ready for her to come back home.

This morning she woke up with “the mother of all headaches”. I got the oldest off to school and then took the youngest to school – I didn’t ask her if she wanted me to, I just did it. The old me would have asked if she wanted me to and this would have made her feel guilty so I’m improving. I hope her headache goes away so we can have fun tonight.

Regarding the discussion on the possible move back home. I know I CAN”T avoid the possible conflict that may come up in this discussion. Her feelings of what it means and mine may be different and we can talk about those. Her feelings are her feeling and I will listen, but I need to share my feelings and expectations also.

Finally, I know that for the next few weeks she will continue to experience the withdrawal from the A and I will need to continue to be patient with her. Her feelings for me will not be able to change until after she is over the A and can forgive herself. One issue I continue to struggle with is that I feel nervous around her and worried that I will say or do something to F things up. I know I need to just be myself and if she falls in love with me that will be wonderful, but if she doesn’t I will be fine. I am a wonderful loving person, father and husband and if she can not realize this than it will be her lose.

Thanks for listening.
Tim

TW,

You seem to be the only one unsure of wether you are rebuilding. Your posts describing your W's actions says she wants to rebuild or at least try.

What do you want?

TonyO can tell you all about hesitancy to move back home. It almost wrecked it for him.

My advice is to get her home and start from there. One day at a time. Do Not! I repeat, Do Not direct her towards other living arrangements. Also, Don't dwell on knowing her intentions. She may not be 100% sure herself. Her actions say alot.

My opinion, take it for what it is worth.

Kent

TW - I AM a big proponent of open communication between spouses, learning how to talk, and learning how to listen.

Remember that the spoken word is just a small part of communicating. "Actions speak louder than words".

I would suggest that you just kinda hang loose on some of the talk stuff right now. Some things that you think need to be talked about now will become less important in the future. Choose your talks wisely.

Take this time to chill, and enjoy each other right now. There should be plenty of time for some of the other crap later. Become best friends again first.

Kent and JJ,

Thanks for your words of wisdom. I do truly want to rebuild and I want her home. I will do my best to try to get her home, but I do need to have some boundaries, like her ending contact with the OM.

We went out last night and had a good time together. We had breakfast this morning and had a talk about her moving at the end of the month. She admitted that she has been talking to the OM and that ending things were harder than she expected. I listened to her. She said she feels like she needs to be alone while she gets through this. She said she did not want to give up an 11 yr marriage to the father of her children and would like try to re-build. She said she knows the OM and her can never be but is struggling. She introduced me last night as her �Dear Friend� which is good. She said she need to feeling like she wanted to hug and kiss me and I agreed that I need the same. I told her my patience will run out as sometime and I will know when that is.

She told me to just be myself. She said she loves everything about me but �..? I asked but what? And she said I don�t know. She doesn�t have that �I love feeling�! She said when I told her last week that I needed some affection from her she felt like the walls were closing in on her. BACK OFF is the message. I apologized and told her I could sense her uneasiness from this. She said I shouldn�t feel bad about it since it is how I feel about the R. She said she didn�t know why she felt as she did, but she did.

I told her that all I needed from her right now was honesty and I would not pressure for anything more. I told her that until she got through getting over the OM, I did not expect her feeling for me to change. She said she did understand how I could want to work things out after what she did to me and how I could be with someone who didn�t care about my feelings. I told her that was my struggle to deal with and it wasn�t just her and I needed to worry about but it effected an entire family.

So for now, I need to back off and detach. Be myself and take care of myself. I will try to get her to move back in. She needs to decide by later this week.

So � How bad did I screw up?

TW,

**********************************************
She needs to decide by later this week
**********************************************
She decides when she decides. Just be ready. You sure been talkin bunches. Enough of that heavy stuff. Don't initiate any more OR crap.

Your right about giving her space. I suggest you start making an effort to be going out some. Start some new activities that keep you away from home and away from the phone.

Wifey is playing with the bait but not biting. Time to start reeling it in some. Make her wonder if she might lose the chance. Not alot. Just some subtle changes in the hours you keep and your availability.

Just cus she needs time to sort things out don't mean you need to be waiting around for her. It's actually pretty pathetic if she thinks your life is on hold.

Get out meet some wimmins. Dance! club! bowl! whatever! Anything will do. I recommend a little dimness for you.

K

Thanks Kent,

Believe me - I will lay off the OR crap. Thanks for being right to the point. I need that now.

Dimness seems to work best with her and i have already set some in motion.

I will get out this week on my own some more.

Went out with the kids today and went to work out tonight. Off to church by myself tomarrow. Hockey monday night - so i'm get out. I going to make plans for one night this week and next weekend to go to a club/ danc'n. Need to get the un-predictability thing go'n.

Thanks again.
Tim

Tim,

Remember, regardless of the outcome, you will be OK. Don't let W's confusion become your confusion. Never stop growing and moving forward. W can catch up if she wants to. You are still DA MAN.

K

Thanks Kent,
I know as a result of all this i will be better than Ok i will be the best person i have ever been. I have been re-discovering so much for my self lately. Kids, sprituallity, freinds, new experinces!

I backed off today and i was dim. No OR talks just friend/parent talk today. She talked about getting some new stuff for the house and re-painting the dinning room, since i installed a new light today. Also, i made plans with her brother today for our kids to get together next weekend. BIL and i get a long good and are friends. My W used to make all of these arrangemnts so this is a change for me.

Thanks again
Tim

TW, does me good to read your posts.

My H never left our home. He does so many 'right' things which are indications that there's hope for the rekindling of those loving feelings toward me.

In our situation, the OW ended the relationship. She told H that "it wasn't working yada yada yada. . .we'll talk later." H used to keep saying that they'd be talking (hope springs eternal). We went through a crisis of the cell phone bill and her having surgery . W the cell phone, H said it wasn't personal conversation, just setting up who would pick up what for the coffee mess. It was hard to believe but then he was so upset when he told me that he'd found out after the fact that she'd had surgery. I asked him how he felt and he dropped a plate (he never drops things) and as he picked up the broken pieces he said, "I feel a sense of loss of control". At that point he seemed to go into a mild depression or funk which lasted for a month. Still no sign of that "we'll talk having or going to happen". It was about this time that I realized that the woman had dumped him! I guess I'd been in shell shock. Somewhere in here I set a boundary that there would be no more affairs. I was giving our R everything I had and would not be able to go through it twice.

Anyways, baby steps were made. C challenged him at one point, saying she thought he did love me. Huge steps backward. C didn't know that he done a private farewell to OW. At least, I have to consider it private cause he's supposed to tell me if they talk and he only had it logged in his book that he'd said good-bye and it hurt. Our books tell us that if S contacts OP then it sets recovery back to 0. I wish H had realized it was really over months ago but at least he's moving on now. I figure that it will be June before he will be able to put action to the verb and BE loving toward me.

I'd say get your W home asap. The sooner she can break fr OM the sooner her recovery can begin and progress. Figure the recovery to last approx as long as the A. The books say that the M relationship recovery equals 1 month for each year of M. I have no idea if these recovery periods overlap or if you have to complete the A recovery before the R recovery kicks in.

I know that the baby steps we've made have been positive. I know that the R talks occured on "her time". Now as I wait for him to look toward me, I am going to try to focus on me and feel like I'm done w the R talks. I am walking away from the past with my head up and fairly light-hearted. I want to be relaxed and cheerful and really upbeat as H goes through this last round of A recovery.

In all honesty, I still wonder "where" she is in all this. I can only hope that she has really moved on. I hope she's working on her marriage. If she isn't, and she's out of my marriage, then she's messing in someone elses.

Maybe when your W comes home, it will signal the end to the OM. He needs to move on. I'm thinking here that if your W ended the A then it would be healthy if she could say to the OM that he should move on, it was over.

TW - Keep in mind that total reconciliation is NOT an event, it's a process.

Keep listening to Kent, he knoweth from where he speaks! [Cool]

JJ - Thanks, I'm realizing that it will be a long process.
I also know now that part of my problem is that when she cracks the door just a little, i try to open it up the whole way - Too much pressure right now. I need to detach from the drama and play it cool.
Not much new in my world.
I have backed off the last few days and taking what she gives me. No talks, etc.
I have been detached and working on myself and taking care of my kids. She talks about the future like we will be together so ....???
I feel like i have used a life time supply of patience.
I am just trying to do things for myself and discovering how fun life can be for myself.
Take care.
With prayers
Tim

Hi all,

I had a nice weekend. I went out with a friend last night and had a good time. I don�t know if I would call it a date but my W today asked how my �date� was last night. I told her I had fun and was out with a friend. She said I didn�t check your thread, but �I know you were out on a date last night�. She said �I�m not mad about it�. What do you make of this?

Spent time with the kids and my W today at church and then at a church Easter Egg hunt. It was nice. I have been taking care of myself and kids and taking each day as they come.

Here is my update. My W and I talked yesterday and she told me she is seeing the OM again, but told me she does NOT want to spend the rest of her life with him. She said she is not sure if she wants to spend the rest of her life with me but is growing more �fond of me�. I told her I have been being myself and she said that I seem more relaxed. She said she wasn�t sure if she could love like the C talked about � meaning mature love and not the fantasy of love. Truly knowing and loving someone with all of their faults.

She said she wanted to move back in at the end of the month and I told her that I didn�t want her moving back in if she was still seeing the OM. I know I might go against DBing but this is how I feel. I told her that it isn�t fair to her, me or the kids. She said that she is motivated to end it for good with the OM and hopes that her moving back in gives a clear signal to him that it is over. She then said that legally I couldn�t keep her form moving back in and I said that she was right. I told her that if I didn�t like it I guess could file for separation and custody of the kids. I told her that was not my intent, but that I was telling her form my heart how I felt. We didn�t get into a fight over it, we both just expressed our opinions. This was me not avoiding the conflict. Maybe not good Dbing but I had to stand my ground.

Tonight she told me that she was ending her lease at the end of the month and moving back in. I said Ok and I didn�t ask about what it meant or what was happening with her and the OM. It seems she will end it for good but needs to do it on her own schedule.

So for now I will continue to take care of myself and my kids. I will do the fun thing I have been doing and give her space. The hardest part is that I get not affection at all from her. No hugs, kisses, etc. Patience seems to be the key. I guess I view her moving home as a baby step. We have a long way to go, but she is �growing more fond of me�. She is not ready to work on the M yet as far as i can tell.

Thoughts? What the hell do I do now?
Thanks
Tim

TW,
Only two possibilities I can see. 1) She is interested in trying to reconcile. 2) She is trying to protect her custody rights by moving home. Right now it might kinda look like she abandoned her kids to a judge. Regardless, I hope your keeping a journal of all the goings on.

Hang in there!

Is W reading this BB?

Kent,
Thanks for checking on me. I hope that she is considering a reconciliation but I can�t push for it. It has to come from her. She misses her kids. I just gotta take one day at a time.

She started reading this BB about 2 months ago and came across my thread about 1 � months ago. She said that reading the stories of fighting for love here on the BB and then reading my tread made her realize how amazingly strong I was and that as a result she would not let her M go. She also promised not to read my tread and I believe that she hasn�t. She has even reminded me a few times of how to DB. She said she was one of the ones hoping for a happy ending for me??? What do you think of this info?

Thanks again
Tim

Then why is she not home yet? What is going on in the C front? If her hope is for you to get what you want, it seems she should be pursuing a plan of reconcilliation. Somebody should!

She can't give up the addiction to the OM and does not have feelings of love for me.
I can't live with her if she is still invovled with the OM. It would not be healthy for me or the kids.
T

Well she is moving home on Sunday, but has not given up the OM completely. She says that being home should help "keep her away" from the OM, but that if i question her on things it will build resentment. She says that being at home will be her carrot for staying away from the OM.
So what do i do now? Just back off and hope that it ends?
Plase help.
T

TW - She let you know what she thinks you need to do.

Try it, give it a chance, and see what happens. Keep away from any expectations. Sounds like she's trying in her own way, even though it may not be EXACTLY the way you want.

Hang in there, and take care of yourself. Open arms, and open eyes.

[ March 28, 2002, 03:56 PM: Message edited by: Jamesjohn ]

JJ - Thanks!

I like the "Open Arms - Open Eyes"

T

Your welcome TW.

I really don't want to be the bearer of doom and gloom either, but one of the expectations to give up will be total lack of communication with om. You were right about the addiction deal, view it as such. Even if she doesn't initiate contact, he might.

I'm not saying that this is something you should just roll over and play dead about. I just think you should be prepared for it, and not "react" to it. This is what the "open eyes" part is about.

Try your best to keep yourself centered if and when this happens. How you "act" under these circumstances could make or break your progress.

Remember, when in doubt, do nothing.

Hang in there, my friend! [Smile]

Hi all,

My wife has been home for a few days now and things seem to be going good. She ended things with the OM and then met him last night to return the last of his stuff that she had. She came home late and told me that they had met and she told me she that he is only worried about him self and that I have listened more to what she has had to say in these last few months than he has. She also said that he is an “emotional infant”. She said that he left in a huff and does not expect him to contact her. My guess is he will.

She said that she is not sure if her marriage to me is over and explained a little about how she felt. Empty, alone… She feels like we are not connected. She needs some spontaneity. We will talk about this more as things progress. She called me at work yesterday because she was having a difficult time with the emotions of ending things with the OM. I listened to her and told her later that she could call me anytime at work or where ever I was to talk. She also talked about some of the positives in our relationship and our family.

I know these next few weeks will be difficult and I will need to be extremely patient and supportive. She told me not to pressure her. I will continue to give her space, help take care of the kids and pray. I hope she can find happiness for her self and then begin to work on our M. We have a long way to go.

Thanks all.
Tim

Hi all,
Last night my W asked told me that she was interested in posting on this BB to help get support to get through this difficult time. She was having trouble getting logged in so I helped her. She choose the user name TWHopeWife so that her user name was associated with mine. I think that this is a positive sign and I hope that everyone gives her the support she needs right now. She had obtained the user name back in Feb. but has had not posted yet. She said she plans on starting her own thread.
Thank you all for you support over the last months.
Tim