How do I know if we're ready for piecing? - 06/18/07 08:45 PM
Perhaps just asking this question means I'm not, but I'm worried that waiting too long to start piecing could be as problematic as starting too soon. Here's what's happened recently that I think means we're there or at least close:
1. H agreed to go to MC starting 4 weeks ago. While the goal was explictly to understand what happened, rather than to work on our marriage, we still talked about lots of 'what if we wanted to fix this R" - both at C and outside it. On several occassions, he raised the "what if".
2. Until two days ago, he hadn't talked to OW for about 2 months. She called. H stepped into another room and talked to her. H's cell phone rang multiple times after that, and he ignored it. It was too late at night for it to be anyone but her.
3. Yesterday, H says that OW called to yell at him. He went on to talk about how emotional she is. He called her something like an "emotional basketcase". I'm not sure that's the exact phrase, but that was the gist of it. He said something about it not working; implying there's no future in that relationship. That's the first time I heard anything like that. He's talked about timing and circumstances not being right for them, but never anything about their relationship itself that would make it not work out.
4. H says that he used to think he would be happy if he was just with OW (instead of me). But, he's realized that's not the case. That didn't fix it. He's still not happy. Has he realized that I can't create happiness for him? And that it's not entirely my fault that he's not happy?
5. We hadn't seen each other for over a week - due to various travel schedules. We did not make specific plans for when I came home, but he knew my schedule. He came over about to do "whatever I planned to do that afternoon." Just showing up is new. Wanting to do "whatever I'm doing" is new. He said that he missed me.
6. Got physical... not S, but gentle, affectionate touching that he hasn't done in I don't know how long. We both wanted to ML, but didn't. He asked what I was thinking, and I said "I'm not telling!" in a flirtatious kind of way. His reply: this would be a good time to ML, but I'm not ready yet. Love that he felt it too, and that he said it!
7. Yesterday, he called late at night to ask if he could come over. He's never done that before. It was late so not too much conversation, but he did say that he thinks our R is worth working on. We ML for the first time since the Bomb. This wasn't just getting caught up in the moment - he resisted that earlier in the weekend. It really seems like he decided.
So, am I in piecing yet? Am I reading too much into a few great days? It wasn't just one incident; it was the whole 2 days since I've been home.
Thoughts? Advice? How can I help prevent backsliding?
1. H agreed to go to MC starting 4 weeks ago. While the goal was explictly to understand what happened, rather than to work on our marriage, we still talked about lots of 'what if we wanted to fix this R" - both at C and outside it. On several occassions, he raised the "what if".
2. Until two days ago, he hadn't talked to OW for about 2 months. She called. H stepped into another room and talked to her. H's cell phone rang multiple times after that, and he ignored it. It was too late at night for it to be anyone but her.
3. Yesterday, H says that OW called to yell at him. He went on to talk about how emotional she is. He called her something like an "emotional basketcase". I'm not sure that's the exact phrase, but that was the gist of it. He said something about it not working; implying there's no future in that relationship. That's the first time I heard anything like that. He's talked about timing and circumstances not being right for them, but never anything about their relationship itself that would make it not work out.
4. H says that he used to think he would be happy if he was just with OW (instead of me). But, he's realized that's not the case. That didn't fix it. He's still not happy. Has he realized that I can't create happiness for him? And that it's not entirely my fault that he's not happy?
5. We hadn't seen each other for over a week - due to various travel schedules. We did not make specific plans for when I came home, but he knew my schedule. He came over about to do "whatever I planned to do that afternoon." Just showing up is new. Wanting to do "whatever I'm doing" is new. He said that he missed me.
6. Got physical... not S, but gentle, affectionate touching that he hasn't done in I don't know how long. We both wanted to ML, but didn't. He asked what I was thinking, and I said "I'm not telling!" in a flirtatious kind of way. His reply: this would be a good time to ML, but I'm not ready yet. Love that he felt it too, and that he said it!
7. Yesterday, he called late at night to ask if he could come over. He's never done that before. It was late so not too much conversation, but he did say that he thinks our R is worth working on. We ML for the first time since the Bomb. This wasn't just getting caught up in the moment - he resisted that earlier in the weekend. It really seems like he decided.
So, am I in piecing yet? Am I reading too much into a few great days? It wasn't just one incident; it was the whole 2 days since I've been home.
Thoughts? Advice? How can I help prevent backsliding?