Yuck, I did something bad this morning.

[Gwyn]

I don't know where my thread went, and since I'm pretty dumb with the linking, etc. I hope you guys will remember my sitch.

Need some advise please. I had a bad morning. H and I were talking on the cell on our way to work this morning and I asked him if he's heard from the bimbo lately? He wanted to know why I ask? Me, because it's the holidays and it's a trigger for me and I'm sure she will also think of you during this time of year. H - is all this worth it? M- I would be lying if I didn't tell you that's very hard for me. H-he said leave me alone, quit asking me if you love me, quit asking if I'm okay. I just sat there and didn't say anything for a moment and said well, okay then. Of course, I couldn't leave it alone and I asked "did you ever think you would be in this position where your wife asks you questions like this? H-okay, I'm signing off.....me, "you know you could reassure me by telling me that you love me and that it was the biggest mistake of your life" H - in a very sarcastic tone, "I LOVE YOU, have a good day, drive safely good-by and hung up.

Any advise? Am I being overly sensitive. You know, I can't even after almost 2 years, can't go into a jewlry store. It makes me ill. Help, please. Is this normal? Is his response normal?

Thanks.

[toughlover]

Any advise?

Yeah, but think in terms of a velvet-wrapped 2x4.

Am I being overly sensitive.

Yes and no. This is a big hurt to get over, so I understand about that because I felt just raw and torn open for a while.

But at some point, you just gotta make the decision to quit it, and you and I both know that it's never going to feel natural to quit it, never going to be easy. You're going to have to force yourself (see everyone else's discussions on comfort zones) out of the comfort zone, and right now the comfort zone is, "You did something horrible to me so now you owe me, and I'm going to extract my pound of flesh one way or another." But that trick never works!

I say this as an LBS who was royally screwed over, you have to get yourself to where you give him the gift of cutting him loose from all that and starting over.

Right now when you bring that stuff up, all he hears is fingernails on a chalkboard.

You know, I can't even after almost 2 years, can't go into a jewlry store. It makes me ill. Help, please.

Ok, sweetie, this kind of reminds me of the joke about the guy who walked around hitting himself in the head with the stick. Goes to the doctor complaining of headaches. Doctor's advice, of course, is to QUIT HITTING YOURSELF IN THE HEAD WITH THE STICK! So don't go into jewelry stores right now.

Is this normal?

I'm no pro, but it's exactly what I went through.

Is his response normal?

Again, I'm no pro, but it sounds like what my wife experienced as well. She was accommodating for a while but, hey let's face it, if the relationship were as it should be, you wouldn't be doing that all of the time, and the DB rule is act as if.

I know it sucks, but you got to get all Nike with it: Just Do It.

You can't love someone out of weakness and need. You have to love them out of your strength, and in moments like that, you're not strong. I know exactly how you feel...heck, I'm a guy and I did all that stuff that you're doing.

The thing that I realized was that it doesn't make you feel any better to pry it out of them even if they're willing to let you do that, because then you spend the rest of the day feeling bad that you should HAVE to pry it out of them, then you wonder if they're just saying it to get you off their back, then you wonder...it's a vicious cycle that just repeats itself.

[Mamabear]

Hi Gywn,
I don't know much about your sitch but from what I can tell TL hit the nail on the head:

You're going to have to force yourself (see everyone else's discussions on comfort zones) out of the comfort zone, and right now the comfort zone is, "You did something horrible to me so now you owe me, and I'm going to extract my pound of flesh one way or another." But that trick never works!

You have to stop thinking this way (we all do), we need to stop bringing it up and rehashing it over and over like a broken record otherwise the WAS will just get fed up and quit. Is that the outcome you are looking for?

Everyone has their moments where they say the wrong thing and then regret it. Just forgive yourself and put it behind you. Go back to go and start over. Been there, done that many times, trust me.

[toughlover]

Yeah I agree with mama. I promise you, whatever happens, once you walk through that valley and get to the otherside the air is sweeter and you'll feel much better. You're tough, you're feisty, you can do it!

[cat03]

Hey honey! long time no see.

Well, from one butthead to another, I can totally understand you, I was dying to ask my H this weekend why the op broke it off w/him, 'cause either I don't remember him telling me or it isn't 100% clear. Then, mercifuly, I came to the conclusion that all I was going to accomplish was to rub on his face something I said I'd forgive, and then I did a "click" and fast-forward to the end of the intended convo and realized that by the time we were done neither of us would felt any good, nothing would've been accomplished, well, something, rubbing salt on a wound that is trying to heal.

You can't love someone out of weakness and need. You have to love them out of your strength,

TL you smart devil, you are so right. I wont go into detail but I was just in a little "scuffle" over the phone w/H which left me crying, he did appologize but at the moment I was so mad I planned to not talk to him for 2 days or so.

Then I realized this is the same crap I did to him before, punish him for something he did, then I also remember that i have to think the BEST of him, that he really didnt' intend to hurt me, he was somewhat callous in his tone but it wasn't meant to be hurtful. With my thinking cap on I realized the silent treatment would only alianate him further and that I should forgive him not only to get him off the hook and because I want him eventually to say he loves me and feel comfortable w/me but also because that's what a good healthy person does, forgiving benefits me as well as him.

[runningoutoftime]

Don't feel too bad. I do similar things (and worse!).

Sadly I think it's really normal and I think we need to expect backslides. The trick is to minimize them, try to reduce them and eventually let go. I don't think it happens quickly, but that's what we need to work towards.

I think the trick is to try to work towards experiencing them less and less over longer and longer periods of time. You can even allow yourself some alone time with a pen and paper. Write down all your feelings in a letter to her or your husband and then burn it in a fireplace or put it through a shredder.

[BluePoet]

You can't love someone out of weakness and need. You have to love them out of your strength,

DANG, I like that! Going to hold onto that one. Hope you don't mind if I quote you.

BluePoet

[Gwyn]

Okay, this is going to sound reallly stupid, but I did something very special for myself. I bought a puppy! He is adorable and I'm now focusing on making the new addition feeling comfortable rather than dwelling in my "dark" places. H is a little jealous as he told me "well I must not be giving you the attention you crave" I overlooked this because it really isn't about him, it's about me. I have for the past 1 1/2 years put my H first in my life, even over my children (kids from previous marriage) because I was committed to making our M work despite his infidelity. H has been great trying to rebuild and frankly so have I, but we all know that it'll never, ever be the same. Unlike some of the posts, our M was pretty close to perfect before his A, H even said so. Can it better? I really don't see how you can improve on perfect.

Gotta question for all of you out there. My H is going on his first business trip since I found out about his A because I told him that the only way I would be willing to work it out was "no more overnight trips" Next week, he doesn't have a choice so he'll be gone and I'm freaking. H doesn't know that I'm freaking as I'm keeping these feelings suppressed, but I'm being flooded with thoughts of "what ifs" How do I deal with this?

Gwyn

[toughlover]

I love dawgs.

My H is going on his first business trip since I found out about his A...but I'm being flooded with thoughts of "what ifs" How do I deal with this?

Hey, I was just there (kinda) about a month, month and a half ago. My W went to a wedding about 100 miles away that took her right through OM country.

I have no idea what will work for you, but I can tell you what I/we did.

First, I made a decision early on that I wanted this to be an opportunity for growth and building trust and did my best to set my mind firmly in this direction. I told my W this to make her feel better, cause she was concerned.

Second...I made sure to spend that day doing stuff with my boys and for my wife. That kind of tanked because the boys both got invited to go to friends' houses, which put me at home alone. So I prepared a special meal for W's return which, including the shopping, took most of the afternoon/evening, and kept me busy til an hour before she got back.

Third...in my case, I was really good and nice before she left. Didn't bring up any bad stuff and met her when she got off work, right before she left, and brought her some lunch from her favorite fast-food place to eat on the road, as well as a couple diet cokes, some cash, car phone charger, etc. So we left on good terms and that made me feel good (and her too, I think).

I still had a few twinges here and there...but I somehow got myself into this mindset where any time I felt a little rough, I'd do something nice for her around the house while she was gone. It was still hard at some points, but all that busy work and the attitude helped a lot.

So when she got home to a nice welcome, and some food (they didn't have anything she liked at the wedding), we were both in a good mood and had a nice time talking about the wedding and stuff.

The real benefit was that it DID manage to be an occasion for growing a little and trusting a little better. For me, that nothing would happen; for her, that it was possible for us to have a normal life without me turning everything into a problem linked to the past.

[Gwyn]

I haven't posted much lately because there's been really nothing going on. I'm close to two years in recovery and things are progressing as "nothing" really happened. With that being said, I'm starting to dream again about his A. There has been a few triggers. He's traveling overnight again and his finances continue to go downhill. I'm a little concerned about this and I think that's what's causing the dreams. Yes, I've talked to him about his finances, not accusing him of being irresponsible, more like, "let me know if I can take over a bill to help with the household finances." He tells me not to worry and then I find out the house payment hasn't been made, and he gets notices in the mail that several of his checks have bounced. What can I do about this? I really feel like I'm walking on eggshells! I could stand up and be strong and "tell" him what I'm going to do, but I think he would take offense to this. He really has gotten himself in a mess and he seems to be getting more and more depressed. Any advise out there for me?

Thanks.