You are Piecing and That's the Important Thing!!!

Divorcebusting.com

OK, time for a long post. We'll see if anyone reads it.

Once again it's been awhile, and my last thread is over 100...AGAIN. So I guess it's time to update. (This last one lasted almost a year though, so maybe that's progress)

Let's see. This is my 4th thread in Piecing..OK, who's counting? But in keeping with my somewhat on again-off again tradition, I've once again stolen a line from a post Charles made on my thread...Thanks Buddy!

Last time I started a thread I said I felt like we were at a crossroads, that was 11 months ago and we weren't, or we aren't, or maybe I just blinked and missed the turn. I don't know. I guess I keep expecting to wake up one morning and think, "Hey, we made it!" but it hasn't really been that way. More like watching grass grow...then you lose interest and the next time you check, it needs to be mowed. (Ok, not my best analogy)

Here's the link to my last thread.

Don't You Feel Better?

Might as well list the one before that too, since that was the last one I posted all the links too:

A BETTER FRAME OF MIND??????

The standard background stuff:

-Married 24years (25 next week!)
-3 Kids, S23,D22,S19.
-Separated Aug99 because of job. We wanted kids to stay put to go thru H.S.

-Nov 01 Six months before I'm due to come back W says she doesn't want me to come back. Doesn't want to stay married. She literally can't talk to me w/o screaming. (I'm such an idiot, I thought things were going pretty darn well right up to this point.)

-Dec 01 Called in some favors and tell her I can move back in Spring 02 instead of Summer. She says she definitely wants a divorce.

-Apr 02 Get back home, she goes to stay w/friends. I ask her to not get D until we've had a chance to work it out now that I'm back.

-May 02 read DR then DB, start applying principles. W still not talking to me. I find out about her affair. Evidently started sometime summer or fall of 01.

-Jun 02 I ask if she wants it to work. I'll try if she stops affair. I think this is when we had our first civil conversation since Nov 01.

-Aug 02 Finally give up and tell her I'll give her D. Now she says she doesn't want one. Says A is over and she just needs more time. Still staying w/ a friend.

-Oct 02 W comes home says she wants to try. The next day says she can't do it and she's found an apt. Leaves again mid-Oct. Total stay approx 10 days.

Jan 03: Says she needs more time. Leave her alone.

Mar-Apr O3: Starts poking her head out of the fog. Showing some interest. She makes plans to return to Ohio with me and the kids for my sister's wedding in June.

May 03: I see her with her old "friend" she swears it was nothing. I say I'm done and will start the D. She says she plans to move back home after the trip to Ohio if everything goes well between us.

Jun 03: Trip goes well. W says "Well I didn't mean I'd move home right away!" Suggests MC.

Jul 03: Frequent contact. Actually have a date. Seem to have a good time together although most contact centers around the kids and their activities. Third MC appointment, I'm upset with W distancing herself a little so she says "I don't care if we are married or not." I walk out. She claims not to have remembered saying that. Begs me to "hang in there."

Aug 03: I'm still a sucker. Waiting around. She keeps saying she's "almost ready" to reconcile. Says we'll try MC again...but she hasn't lifted a finger to progress toward those goals...

Oct 03: I get tabbed for a 2-3 month long trip for my job, W says "OK, I'll come home while you are gone and we'll talk about things when you get back." Didn't ask me just decided on her own. (Not that it would have made any difference...LOL)

Nov 03: W moves in the day before I leave. Actually doesn't get everything out of her apartment until the day after I'm gone.

Nov 03 thru Jan 04: W is at home, some minor incidents w/the kids. She gets frustrated and frequently takes it out on me over the phone when I call. They did all get together for Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year.

Jan 04: I return. She's still here, but doesn't want to talk about anything yet. She spends some time with me, but usually when it involves the kids.

Feb 04: W announces that she made a new appt w/therapist. She wants to get past all this resentment she's been carrying around. Things seem to be stabilizing a little bit. She really starts working on her depression. ADs, but still not a lot of progress. We'll see.

Jun 04: Work moves us again. This time to Missouri. W does come along, although I'm skeptical up until the last minute. Things are still rocky and frankly, I'm getting tired.

Sep 04: Things have been real tense. But W started seeing another C in the new town. Mostly, it seems like I'm the one that is dissatisfied with how everything is going.

Oct 04: We do marriage counseling with mixed results. This lasts until Dec. The holidays are fun.

Jan 05: JAN 05?!?!?! What the heck?

So now, here we are. Things are OK, but still feels a lot like limbo sometimes. W is generally doing much better but still on ADs. She is finally going to go back to work next week at a new job. I think it will help to get out of the house. And Spring is right around the corner.

The kids, at least the two youngest, seem to be OK with everything. YS decided that he didn't like the college he went to and is living with us at home. (Goodbye scholarship). D calls almost every night.

OS is coming back from Iraq soon but plans to stay in Texas. He still doesn't talk to W much after everything that happened and I know that hurts her.

As for us, well we are still here. Still plodding along as I said last year. A lot of things are better...some things are almost normal, but there is a lot of water under this bridge.

Anyway, we'll see what happens. In the meantime, I've started a new thread. And still in Piecing.

Y'all be good.

Gosh, JS - even though I've been here with you through all of this - it's something to see it all down on one page! I'm thinking of nominating you for sainthood!

Certainly you've had the patience of one!

Ellie

Hi Ellie.

Trust me, I'm no saint. Although you are a sweetheart

If I had more patience maybe this would all be sunshine and roses by now...or more sense and it wouldn't have started in the first place. Who knows. You play the hand you are dealt.

You doing OK?

Yeah. More drama with the kids (you can read about it on my thread) but H and I are doing well.
Ellie

Hi JS.

Glad to hear you're still doing okay. Maybe there weren't enough cute girls for YS? LOL. Glad to hear your family is doing well.

It is amazing to see you post your recap. WOW, how far you've come since I first met you here. I'm very proud of you.

As always, thanks for the update. Keep in touch, okay?

Hugs!

Been a while so I thought I'd drop in. I've lurked from time to time and try to check up on old friends. Hope everyone is doing well.

Things are OK here on the home front. The thaw continues, but as usual everything seems harder than it should be. Michelle really ought to highlight that a little better. Sometimes this is a pain.

W has a full time job, finally, that she really seems to like. She was getting kind of hard to put up with there for a while. Now she has something to look forward to everyday.

Kids are pretty much the same. D only has one more year of college and is on a pretty even keel. Says she'll be up to visit in the summer. OS is back from Iraq, still in Texas, having a good time. He talked YS into coming back down there and "hanging out" with him a couple of months ago. Of course, neither of them have a steady job but they still manage to pay the rent and find women so from their point of view life is all roses. As it should be, I guess. I must of did something wrong as a kid. I just remember working a lot.

Anyway, W and I continue to try to figure this out. Good days, great days and still a few bad ones, but we manage. I'll let y'all know if there are any new updates.

In the meantime, I wish you all the best.

Take care and be good!

Hi there, Hon!!!!
How great to hear from you

Now - here comes the velvet 2 x 4 - what are you doing these days to work on being a better you? What exciting new projects, classes, hobbies, workouts - what? One thing about Piecing - you can't drop all that GAL stuff.

Glad your kids are all doing well. We're sending my oldest off to Berkeley this fall - lucky boy. The other two - well, right now I'd be happy just to get them through high school without pregnancies, major auto accidents, or heroin addiction. I had life so easy with my first born!!

Ellie

How you doing Ellie?

Always the taskmaster! Well, we accomplished all of those goals with the kids. I was especially worried about the pregnacy and heroin addiction too. But they all survived high school and got into college. The two boys didn't stick it out though.

They still say they want to go back, but are too pre-occupied with having fun right now. We'll see. They aren't leeching off me and still seem to be fairly well adjusted so I'm OK with that for now.

I'm doing OK. Actually, I've been pretty busy. W and I go out to dinner a few times a week. She jokes that all she makes for dinner anymore is reservations. We visit family or have someone visit here at least once a month. Been a long time since we lived this close to anyone. Work is going great and I'm working on a couple of home improvement projects.

Overall, not too bad. I manage.

I've been following your thread. The kids will always be a challenge but you are doing pretty well too it seems. Just deal with crises as they arise.

Well, gotta get back to work.

Take care and keep smiling.

Good Afternoon Y'all.

Just dropping in to check up and catch up. Hope everyone is doing OK...or at least as well as can be expected.

I do have a couple of updates. YS got tired of hanging out with his older brother, or at least his money ran out. He couldn't find a job and decided to trek back up here to live with Mom and Dad for a while...again. Says he wants to go back to school but needs to work this summer.

I think he made a fairly adult decision. Now just have to see how well he follows through. In the meantime, we have another dog in the house (Oh Boy!).

W is determined to keep him in the nest this time. She's already hooked him up with a little girl from her work. She's the same age (19) and YS met her over the weekend. She's pretty cute and has already called him several times, so his fragile ego has been stroked...like that's been a problem!

OS is showing signs of getting his stuff together too. That's good. He's been back from Iraq for about 4 months and is finally getting down to business. Of course, I figure he's starting to run short of funds too, so maybe I'm just overly optimistic.

D is still plugging away. Working and taking summer classes. Wants to graduate by the end of next year, but might have to put in another semester to get all of her credits. Broke up with another boyfriend. She ended it, but was still devastated??? He wants to get back together but she keeps calling Mom and crying about what jerks guys are. What's up with that?

Besides, it's not like I need a lot of help convincing W what jerks guys are. I manage that just fine on my own.

Oh well, it's summertime and it's actually warm enough here to declare "Margarita Season!" So, it's time to get the blender out. Next thing you know, college football will start and the Nittany Lions will be playing.

I can't wait!

Y'all be good.

Hi there -
Boy - you and Will visiting in the same day!

Ellie

Hope everyone is enjoying their summer. Weather has been great here. Not much new to report but things are going pretty well.

W joined a sports league this summer which really surprised me. She's more of a stationary-activity kind of person...unless it's shopping. Anyway, she asked if I want to come watch and I've sort of become the unofficial scorekeeper. I count this as quality time. One of W's big complaints was that I never liked any of her friends. Not really true, but she won't accept that I was too busy or too tired so I'm just trying to change her perception.

I think it's working. She told me I'm a big hit with the "crowd" (I'm the only husband or boyfriend that shows up) and that seems to make her happy. I just smiled. Not sure what she expected. I've always thought of myself as a pretty nice guy

...guess she needs convincing.

Ah, life goes on. The kids are doing OK. YS is back home, still looking for a job and planning to go to school in the fall. One of his friends wants a change of scenery too and asked us about letting him stay here while he looks for a job if he relocates from Texas. Not a problem, although I'm starting to wonder if I'll ever be able to kick all the kids out of the house for good. They keep wanting to come back!

Anyway, overall life's pretty good. Still not working on a lot of issues. I think the plan is to ignore them and maybe they'll go away???? At least that's the impression I get from W. I'm trying to work with it. She still goes through bouts of depression every once in a while and I get worried. But she seems to like her job, the house, her friends and the neighborhood so I think that will pass.

In the meantime I manage. Did I mention that the weather here has been great?

Y'all have a great day!

Hi there Big Guy.

Good to see you again.

I'm very proud of you for hanging in there all this time. Look at the progress in the past year? I know. I know. Snail's pace. But rewind a few years? And I think you'll see the amount of progress.

It's good that you support the sports thing. I'm sure you enjoy it. Have you played any ball yourself lately? What have you been doing to keep busy?

Maybe in her own way she is moving foward. Just not the way you thought it would be. Patience my friend.

And how is the job going? I don't think you've talked about that much.

Glad to hear you are doing well. And it's great to see you post.

This is just one of my quick fly by things, so I gotta run. Need some sleep.

Take care!

MAL

JS -
Sounds like quality time is one of her love languages? And she may just be like some of the WAHs here in piecing, who just never do get around to talking it out.

Great to hear from you

Ellie

Look at this! Two of my most favorite women. Thanks for dropping by MAL and Ellie. As always full of optimism.

Yep, things are going pretty good. I've definitely been keeping busy although not playing much softball since I took this job.

Work is going well, as always. I'm trying to make sure I get off at a reasonable hour though. Probably still spend too much time but I do try to leave by 6pm and I even if I'm beat, I never refuse to go out if W wants to do something. I have been thinking a little bit about retirement. I've got more than 20 years in and I've been told there are great opportunities out there if I decide to get a real job. Not in any big hurry though.

Recently, I've spent most of my time at the Home Improvement stores. Funny, I bought this house because it was all fixed up but we've managed to find things she wants to change. Between painting, changing plumbing fixtures, putting in new tile and kitchen countertops and digging a fish pond in the back, most of my evenings and weekends are full.

However, I did here her say the other day, that once we find the right fixtures for the Master bathroom, that room will be "done" so that'll be one room down!

Our latest adventure is boat shopping. There are a couple of little lakes around here and a lot of people have them, so we're looking. I've always had a canoe, but never really looked at a real boat. Once I get over the sticker shock, I guess that'll be our next purchase.

As always, I'm working on the patience thing...just hope my wallet... and my back can survive. I'm gettin' too old for some of this stuff.

You girls be good!

Quote:

so I'm just trying to change her perception.

I think it's working. She told me I'm a big hit with the "crowd" (I'm the only husband or boyfriend that shows up) and that seems to make her happy. I just smiled. Not sure what she expected. I've always thought of myself as a pretty nice guy ...guess she needs convincing.

Dude, you are awesome!!! My wife loves bragging on me too, I try to give her EVERY reason to...

I found that doing some of the littelest things, (holdin her hand in public, opening doors, giving a wink, and sitting very very very very very 'did I say very?' close to her makes her happy to.) Something else I found out that she adors is going to a coffe shop after church and getting an ice coffee or something (I think she also digs the fact that my highschool sweetheart works at the coffee shop, and lets just say time has not be good to her).

JS, you did good my friend. You make it look easy and like it "just happened" however going through the post, one sees all the work that went in to it!!! My friend, I surmise the easy part is over... The hard part is putting everything in place each and every day... For better and for worse, good times and bad... Right now, I would say you have better days ahead!!!

Keep plugging away... I am proud ofyou and think you are a model of how to DB your bootay off!!!

Here is a suggestion... Go take her out for some Ice Cream this week, or for some other frozen treat!!!

Later and take care!

Quote:

Dude, you are awesome!!!

I usually think so

. Probably the only thing that kept me going through all this.

J/K (sort of). Things are looking much better. W seems to be doing OK. We seem to be doing OK. That's definitely a step up from the "hell" of a couple of years ago.

Speaking of ice cream, that and a movie are on the agenda tonight. She wants to see Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (WHY????) I want to see Wedding Chrashers or almost anything else...

Guess which one we are going to see???

You sound great Will. Thanks for stopping by and take care of yourself.

Quote:

She wants to see Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (WHY????) I want to see Wedding Chrashers or almost anything else...

LOL! We took D and her BF to see Willy Wonka Friday - while H and i saw Wedding Crashers (which was crude but funny

).
Actually, I can tell you why your wife wants to see Willy Wonka in 2 words - same reason as my D - Johnny Depp. Just don't get that Oompa-Loompa song stuck in your head!

Ellie

Yes, the gals love J.D.

He's okay - not my cup of tea, but I can see why he's a hot item.

I haven't seen Wedding Crashers or Johnny yet, but we did go see War of the Worlds a couple weeks ago. I loved it. Pretty intense, but good. One of the few movies I'd probably pay to see again. BUT, I work for the local cable provider (free cable and movies on demand), so when I can I try to get it for free.

Dakota what's her name is in a lot of movies - the screaming thing in W.O.W. gets on your nerves after awhile, but she's pretty talented and successful for being so young.

Tom looked good as always, but he's not my favorite actor. He also has some opinions that I don't agree with, but that didn't come across in the movie.

I still loved the movie.

How are things going with you JS? Make a post when you can.

Well, look who came out of hibernation and posted on my thread. Hey Girl! Things sound busy in your neck of the woods.

Not much to report here. Things just sort of plod along. YS is still here, although he constantly talks of going down to stay with his sister and go to school down there. Funny, because D says she wants to move up here when she graduates.

It'll all play out somehow. In the meantime, YS starts school again this fall and he's got a job to cover his expenses. (Not sure what they are, but he manages to spend his money!)

W still likes her job. OS seems to be doing OK, whenever he calls, but we really don't here from him much. He's working and talking about going back to school, but I'm never sure how serious he is. Just lives for the moment.

You take care Little Girl!

Hey there! Glad to see that you're still kicking.

--z

You too Z!

I'm still kicking and still lurking. I try to pop in whenever pretty ladies drop a note on my thread

Sounds like you are having a good time. You have always seen this as a challenge to convert him. Poor guy!

As always, you take care and don't be a stranger.

Quote:

You have always seen this as a challenge to convert him. Poor guy!

Ha! My husband and I are just trying to out-stubborn each other. Sound like anyone you know? -- z

Z,

I guess that's as good a way as any to put it. Kind of describes what is going on at our house too. She's still very moody a lot of the time and I have a hard time being the "cheerful" one sometimes.

Mostly, I try to let her figure out whatever is bothering her, but it's hard. To me, none of the problems are that significant. It's just a matter of making a decision...but if I go down that road, she thinks I'm "controlling".

In short, I'm still "in-training" with this patience thing. I'm getting better but not sure I want to get my official certification. It's so much easier to just do "something".

Hey J--

After catching up on the last few months of your life, things seem to be going really well. Maybe not where you want them, but a huge, huge difference from the past. I don't think patience is ever easy, at least for those of us who are not equipped with it naturally. But it all sounds good--love that you got all those brownie points for being the score keeper/cheerleader.

All is well here, though the NL didn't look as impressive as the hype was leading them to be. Had to give away our tickets for the first two games, but going up for the 17th. Be nice if we ended up being ranked and in a bowl game.

Take care..

Jackie

Hey Jackie,

How's it going. I thought they looked pretty good this weekend, although I'm not a big fan of Robinson as a QB. I think he does much better as a receiver...just need someone to throw him the ball.

I think we'll have a pretty good season, lots of key games at home and they are tough to beat in Beaver Stadium.

Now you already know I don't know much about Nittany, LOL. So I don't have anything to add there. But like many other people that you don't understand, I'll be sitting in Richmond Saturday night, watching those cars go round in circles.

I reckon you don't know much about "that" either. Are we even?

Just wanted to say hi and thank you for stopping in on my thread.

I'm glad you are still doing well Big Guy. Stop by more often, okay?

Hugs!

Even? you are way ahead of me...although if you keep watching cars go around in a circle, I might catch up.

Take care MAL

Quote:

Even? you are way ahead of me...although if you keep watching cars go around in a circle, I might catch up.

LOL. What are you trying to say?

I'm looking forward to the race. It's more about the experience than the race I think. Although I'm really tired right now. I need to get to bed early tonight if I plan to stay awake until 3 am on Sunday.

Hey there stranger. Saw you were on and thought I'd say hi.

Hope you are doing well.

Hugs!

MAL

I'm doing OK. Things at home are kind of tough. I'm beginning to think that we'll never get over the hump.

Without going into details, I just feel like I'm waiting for something that just isn't going to happen. Ever since YS came back home, she's been pulling away. Now D moved back for the semester and I may be seeing the writing on the wall.

Not the kids fault, they are great. But there's been a noticable shift in the past few months and frankly, I'm not sure I'm motivated to be pulled back into this.

Of course, tomorrow's another day and I might feel better about it...we'll see. Procrastination has served me well in the past.

Hey Big Guy.

I'm sorry to hear that she has started pulling away again. Is it possible that she's putting attention into the kids and not you, and that is what you are feeling? I hope that makes sense.

I know that in my M, there were often times when other things in my life (like kids, career, education, etc...) consumed most of my thoughts. My ex wasn't always the first one on my mind, and he didn't always know what was going through my head.

Although looking back I think he should have been a higher priority more often - lessons learned.

Sometimes we get so caught up in the day-to-day stuff, that we don't take enough time to appreciate each other.

Aside from the kids returning, has anything else been happening in her life? Just wondering what would trigger the change.

Also, what did you mean by seeing the writing on the wall now that your D has moved back for the semester? Is that a separate thing from feeling her pull away? I wasn't sure what you meant there, or if it was just the way you worded it.

I'm sure some other bright person (aka Ellie or Z) will be by to offer their input and ask their own questions too.

We're here if you want to talk. Okay?

LOL, so much for not going into detail...

It's tough to explain. But much like watching a rerun. Only difference is I didn't know what was going on before. It was hard enough to be patient when it looked like there was some progress. Then it stopped, now it's in reverse.

I've mentioned it, she doesn't want to talk. So I don't bring it up. She's even hung up on me a couple of times when she didn't get the answer she wanted...and I think you know how I feel about that.

That's the funny thing. She starts the conversation, then gets mad and walks out of the room. Been there already and don't want to do it again.

Well, I gotta go. You take care...and don't you dare make a list!

Quote:

...and don't you dare make a list!

1. Good to hear from you.
2. Sorry to hear about the recent changes.
3. Yes, I know how you feel about hang-ups.
4. I wish I knew how to help.
5. Chin up and hang in there.
6. Have a good weekend.

7. With that kind of challenge, I just couldn't resist.

MAL,

You obviously have a problem following instructions.

Not really much anyone can do. I wish I had an answer but I've never been able to get us over the hump. We go out, usually have a good time, but she sets the boundaries. If I decide not to play along, I get the silent treatment and she sulks for a while then it goes back to normal...never really great...just OK. And it stays that way, until I happen to mention that I'm not exactly thrilled with "OK". Then the cycle repeats itself.

I've tried to wait it out and just be content that she's not flipping out anymore, but I always run out of steam and we'll probably never know if it's just a "very long phase". Now, it's just getting harder to climb back in the saddle once she's thawed out.

I remember a passage in DR about couples being surveyed and rating their marriage a 7 out of 10 after sticking through this. I always thought "7 out of 10 isn't exactly where I want to be after going through all this." But now I'm wondering if that's the best we can do?

I look at where we are and I just don't think she gets it. Which was alright since I always thought I could figure it out and we'd be OK. But now I don't think that's enough. We can get to "OK" but I need her help to get to great...and I don't think she'll ever get to the point where she's willing to make the extra effort.

Sounds selfish and extremely one-sided, I know. But that's where I'm at right now...maybe I'm just tired but when I try to get her perspective(which isn't often. I don't bring up R very much at all), she just clams up (or hangs up...or reminds me that she put up with this stuff for 20 years...or whatever). More than once I've wanted to say "OK, you're right. You are better at this than I am! You win. Congratulations! I'm outta here."

But aside from that, everything else is going well!

Sooner or later I'll figure something out. In the meantime, y'all take care.

Dagny,

Don't know if you are still lurking around, but how's 5-0 grab you??? And we have Ohio State at home this weekend!

Looking pretty good this year.

Take care

Quote:

You obviously have a problem following instructions.

And you thought that would change? LOL. I can't help it if I'm just as stubborn as I am short.

I can understand what you mean about wanting more than a 7 out of 10. After all we've been through, shouldn't we be able to get more? Shouldn't we want more? Although I'm not with my H anymore, I still struggle with those same thoughts. After all we've done, all we've learned, you'd think we'd be able to make things better.

I remember a conversation you and I had a couple years ago, and we talked about not wanting to settle. Man, I don't want to settle for a 7 either. If that is the guarantee, no thanks, I'll have a companion and do this life thing on my own. I just never thought I'd be a person to think that way, but D, adultery, betrayal, and 3 years of hurt can do that to a person.

From your post, I get the impression that you thought that you'd know enough and be able to get the two of you through the tuff stuff. I used to think that too, but I think I'm finally understanding that it can't just fall on my shoulders. The other person has to do some growing and changing too, or a 7 may be the best we'll ever get.

I think that if I were still with my H, that I'd be walking on eggshells, wondering if this is the day that he walks out, that this is the day I will screw up. And I wonder if he would have been as willing and able to learn and grow as much as me. I wonder if that would have been good enough for me. ??

I just want to know that somewhere in life, I'm rewarded for all the crap. And I don't know that I would have had that if with him.

I look forward 20 years, and I wonder if I will be happy with my choices, and will I feel like I settled for something that could have been better? There is a lot of fear in that. Heck if I know - so I'm going to be very cautious for a very long time -- I don't want to look back with regret, wondering if I could have done better (with GWH or someone else).

So, I guess after all that rambling, I'm trying to say that married or not, I can understand what it might be like for you right now. Although I'm in the surviving D phase, my thoughts are very in line with yours. Whether divorced or piecing, I think our standards are a bit higher than they were before.

If you figure it out, let me know. Okay?

Also, I don't think it's selfish to feel that way - to want more - to not settle for a 7. But that's just my .02.

Hey, at least I didn't make a list!!

Take care Big Guy. I'll keep you in my prayers.

MAL

Hey Big Guy.

You haven't posted in awhile and I hope you're doing okay.

What are you up to? What does your family have planned for Thanksgiving?

Give us an update when you can.

Sending you some hugs! {{{{jstx}}}}

See ya!

MAL

Hey Mal,

Not really much to say right now. I'm still lurking and doing some thinking. So far the holidays are going well, although can't really say the same for the marriage.

The rut just keeps getting deeper.

Take care.

Hey JS. Sorry for the slow reply. I don't get here as often anymore, and I didn't see your post.

I'm sorry you are still in the rut, and I wish there was more I could do to help. I just don't know how you do it after all this time. I was thinking about it when I read your post, and I realized it has been 2 years since your W came back home. Wow, that time went by fast.

Also, before I forget, if you need an ear, let me know. I'm here for you old friend. (And I don't mean OLD as in age. LOL. Although I realize you ARE getting up there now. Ha Ha.

)

I know YS and D are back home now (I think??). Will you be seeing all the kids, including OS, over the holidays? I know sometimes you go to see your W's family. Making any trips like that?

You know, I notice you haven't been talking about the new job much (not that it is new anymore). How is that going? Do you like it?

I didn't make a list, and I kept this post small. Just trying to catch up with some friends. So maybe you'll reply.

Take care Big Guy. Talk to you soon.

Hugs!

MAL

Merry Christmas to one and all.

Hope everyone is having a great time during the holiday season. Life at our house has been more than a little strained for the past couple of months but we'll see what happens.

It's a real slow day at work since everyone is getting ready for the holidays so I thought I'd bore you guys with my presence while I ramble away.

W and I have pretty much gotten frustrated with one another but I've done a fair job of pushing everything aside for the holidays. Spending a lot of time with the two kids that are here and trying to be upbeat. OS is coming into town tomorrow so we'll have everyone together for Christmas.

Got all of the Christmas shopping done, even got most of the stuff for W's side of the family which she usually does herself. I thought that was a pretty big accomplishment. Got it done and mailed two weeks ago. AND managed to avoid using a credit card to pay for anything. Even W mentioned that this was the probably the first time in the 25 years we've been married that we didn't go into debt over Christmas!

Personally, I think it's because I did a lot of the shopping this year, but she'll never admit to that. Also, I'm not sure its true anyway 'cause I think W used her card to buy more than a few things. But I kept my mouth shut. Its a compulsion with her and I've given up trying to manage her finances. Everytime I pay off her credit card bill she just finds something else that she just has to buy for somebody. The only effective management tool has been to let her use it, then not offer to pay the bill when it comes.

Anyway, D is enrolled in the local college for next semester and she's looking forward to getting back to school. Since dumping her boyfriend and moving up here this fall, she's been busy reinventing herself...not that I thought the old D was that bad. In addition to taking a semester off, and changing schools to live with us, she decided to change her major. I will never understand women. Between changing colleges and majors, she's lost about 25 credit hours...almost a full year of school! And can anyone tell me what you do with a degree in Anthropology???

It's hard to keep my opinion's to myself (I know, hard for some of you to believe that) but I'm trying real hard to be a spectator and just cheer her on.

YS is in kind of the same boat. Still trying to find himself, but at least he doesn't burst into tears when I tell him to get off his a$$...not that he necessarily listens either, but at least I get to vent.

W got an A in the class she took last semester. I've suggested that she take two classes this time around, but she's still nervous about overloading herself. Again, I try not to push, but I know she'll feel better about herself if she gets a promotion at her job, and she only needs a few more classes to get her certification. She really seems to enjoy working there and the promotion will mean she'll make more the double her current salary.

As far as our relationship goes, I'm just doing a lot of thinking still. This cycle we've gotten ourselves in just sucks. I've told W I'm pretty much out of ideas and have been detaching more and more. In predictable fashion, W first gave me the cold shoulder, then suggested we start going to C again, then says she'll go by herself and now acts like she wants to bend over backward to please me. Of course, If I decide to jump back in, I'm pretty sure she'll back off again. That's pretty much been the pattern and frankly, I'm real tired of playing the game.

But for now, it's Christmas! The kids are all going to be home and New Year's is just around the corner.

And, of course, the Nittany Lion's are ranked #3, are playing in the Orange Bowl, and are going to whup up on Florida State on national TV so all-in-all, life's still good.

Y'all take care. Be good and have a Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas y'all.

Had to come back to work today and the place is dead. The contractor I work with essentially closes down for the holidays, but us government guys have to hold down the fort. Not much to do and I've been spending the day catching up the bb. At least they left the heat on for us this year!

I really hope everyone had a good holiday. I know it's hard for a lot of us riding the rollercoaster but the one truth I've gleaned over time is that, no matter how this all turns out, it does get easier.

Things went great at the ole homestead this weekend. I think W and kids all liked their presents. W got me a diamond tie tack which I thought was unusual. I guess I should clarify that. A while ago I got W a bigger diamond for her old engagement ring. When we first got engaged we were in high school and the ring wasn't much so we upgraded. She had kept the old stone (wouldn't let me trade it in

) So she had it set in a tie tack and gave it to me this year.

I think it really meant a lot to her and I hope I showed the proper level of appreciation. I don't get too excited over gifts but I did think it was nice. She also got me a Jack Daniels gift set and I tried not to act more excited about that than the tie tack...but we all have our priorities.

This makes two holidays in a row (Thanksgiving and Christmas) that have gone off without a hitch. That's progress in my neck of the woods, after about four years of indifferent, or downright terrible memories, it's nice to know that we might have grown up a little.

Her sister came in Christmas Day and is still here. Of course, they had to go shopping yesterday and we all went to see "The Family Stone" last night (I voted for King Kong but lost). Take my advice and don't waste your money. I expected a "chick flick" but I thought it was at least supposed to be funny! It was depressing! W cried at the end. I almost did too, of course, that was because I could have watched King Kong instead...

D got a computer game for Xmas that won't work on her computer. The box says she needs a 128MB video card so we went and bought one yesterday. Turns out you can't just plug a video card into the computer and have it work. It's a little more complicated and the directions supplied are not exactly helpful so we will probably take the whole computer up to Best Buy and have them install it. But that's really been the only glitch so far.

All in all, things continue to run smoothly. NYE is just around the corner, then W and D's birthdays. I've already got a couple of ideas but I'll wait until the Xmas return rush dies down to venture to the mall.

Really don't have anything else to add today (not that any of this was earth-shaking), just wanted to stop in.

As always,

Take care and enjoy the season!

Wow, JSTX -
what a thoughtful and romantic gift your wife gave you! What a difference!!!

I'd say you're doing well in the DB department, buddy

Happy New Year!

Ellie

Thanks Ellie,

I know it's a big deal for her but I just didn't get that excited about it. That's pretty much what I've been wrestling with for the last several months.

Maybe this is just whining, but I've had this discussion with W (not about this Xmas gift - I'm not that stupid

), even suggested she read the 5LL but she just doesn't get it...or doesn't want to.

W is big into gift giving. I appreciate the effort she goes to, but getting stuff isn't really my thing. I ask her if she wants to go away for a weekend and it's always, "but the kids have to work this weekend", or "No, I just don't feel like it."

My response is "Well, the kids are 20+ years old, don't need a babysitter, and I'm not asking them to go anyway."

If its not the kids, it's the dogs or her friends. That's just one example. There are several wineries in the area that I thought it'd be fun for us to go to, but she never wanted to make the drive. Then she had a day off and she went with one of her friends from work. Spent the rest of the week telling what a neat place it was. What kind of message am I supposed to take from that?

There are other examples too. They just keep popping up. I don't throw these things up at her, but it does tick me off. If I bring do say anything, I'm exaggerating or reading too much into it. Often, I end up going to do things on my own and it's fun, but I didn't get married to do this on my own. Or to only do the things she wants to do.

Like I said in an earlier email, the only time this pattern seems to break is when she wants something from me.

When she moved out and was doing her running around, one of her favorite things to say to me "I'm doing what I have to do and if you don't like it - tough".

Now, it's a couple of years later and I still get the feeling that if I don't like it...well that's just tough. Well, I don't like it and I'm beginning to think it won't change.

The worst part of this is that I know it's a self-fulling prophecy. If you start looking for things to be wrong, or expecting it, then it usually is so I try to avoid those thoughts. It's just getting more difficult as time goes by or maybe I'm just losing faith. Either way, it's not good.

JSTX,

I just wanted to say that I feel your pain in the LL area. I don't deal with it half as well as you though I'm learning. That's an obstacle isnt it? We want to save our M but then it might mean we don't have our needs met in the way we need by our S. I'm seeing that over and over in the posts I read where the WAS comes home. The WAS becomes content because we've changed and are meeting their needs and they think things are fine! I'm battling that with my H. I've always tried to meet his needs, and he says that's not the reason for our probs (he suffers from D). I asked him to leave because things became unbearable, then he admitted ILYBINILWY. Now that he wants to work on our R, he's trying to meet my needs the way he wants his met and it's not working! I'm feeling resenful and angry because I've told him what I need but he doesnt seem to "get it" or think it's that important. I should be happy we're together and our sitch is becoming more peaceful, right?

Anyway, if you figure out a way to encourage change, please post it! I think alot of us go through the same things and it's good to see what's working for others.

Hang in there!

Sheila

Piglet,

That pretty much sums it up. W suffers from D as well, and I get the impression that she feels "safe" now that the worst of the drama is behind us.

I don't want to push her, it only gets ugly when she feels cornered. She seems happy that it's "peaceful". I've told her that I'm expecting a lot more out of life than just not arguing. She says I'm just never satisfied.

I'm not sure that's a bad thing. I've certainly never seen anyone get what they want just by "hoping for it".

But don't sell yourself short. I don't know your sitch, but it took me a heck of a long time to get here. Anyway, I don't know how "well" I'm dealing with it, but I've already been through the hell part and I'm not going there again. She left for over a year with me and the kids trying to figure everything out and we managed. I'm not too worried about "going it alone" if it comes to that. I just think it would be better if we could get on the same sheet of music and do it together.

Can't quite seem to pull that off.

It sounds like my H and your W could be twins! I always say he's satisfied with peaceful and instead of making things happen, he goes where life takes him or hopes the future will be better. He also says I'm never satisfied.
I just believe in living life and if you want something, make it happen! Makes it hard to see eye to eye with my passive H. But, maybe with time and patience we'll get there. Hope you do too!

Sheila

Joe still knows football. How 'bout those Nittany Lions??? 11-1 and #3 in the nation. Not bad for an old man!!!

Oh, and I guess Texas looked pretty good too!

Are you kidding? Texas looked like a National Champ! Houston would be wise to pick Vince Young and rebuild their team around him. That's what I would do anyways...

BTW, the only college item I own is a Longhorns t-shirt I got from friends in Austin a few years back. I wore it on Wednesday night even if it was a bit chilly out there.

Quote:

Joe still knows football. How 'bout those Nittany Lions??? 11-1 and #3 in the nation. Not bad for an old man!!!

Oh, and I guess Texas looked pretty good too!

You still make me smile.

I know you don't check in often anymore, but I wanted to stop by and say hello. I probably won't be on the bb much anymore (made a post about all of that). But I wanted to come and share some things with you.

Thank you for being such a good friend to me along the way. Although you and I don't talk anymore like we did, I will always cherish our friendship. You taught me a lot along the way. I could never repay you, and I hope that I helped you too somewhere along the way.

I think you have my email address. If not, I left one on my thread that I'm giving to my bb buddies. Drop me a line and let me know how you are doing, okay?

I'll probably pop in on you here and there, so don't be surprised if I whack you when you need it.

Love,
MAL

Hey stranger,

I've managed to pop in on a few long
lost friends. Can you believe it?

I'm glad to see that you are still on a
postive path; I know it's been a long
haul for you.

Take care......I know you'll get there.
Belle

PS: I had to go thru the process of getting
a new password. Been so long I couldn't remember.
LOL....took a little work to write this note!

MAL,

I miss talking to you t0o Hon. You've always been able to put things in perspective. I understand the desire to move on, but I hope you keep us posted here every now and again.

As far as checking in, I still lurk fairly often and like to check up on the crowd. Even put in a post every now and then.

Keep being yourself and I think you'll always find that silver lining. For some people it's just always there and you are one of those people.

You take care Little Girl! and who knows, I might just drop you a line one of these days.

Be good!

Belle,

Well look at that! Two of my most favorite ladies have dropped by. How's it going Darlin'? Hope you've filled in those holes...with dirt, I mean.

So what's up with you? Anything new and exciting? Positive path might be a stretch, but I'm still here. Let me know how it's going will you.

And thanks for thinking of me. As always, take care of yourself, OK?

Quote:

Keep being yourself and I think you'll always find that silver lining. For some people it's just always there and you are one of those people.!

Thank you.

Hi Big Guy!

You haven't posted in awhile, and I hope that is a good thing. Give us an update when you can.

Take care!

Mal

Hey there Big Guy.

I rarely post anymore, and a long post like this? Hard to come by since I'm not as long-winded as I used to be (wink). So consider yourself special to even get a post, let alone a loooooooooonnng one! LOL

I was thinking about you today and thought I'd share some of my thoughts.

Like so many of us, you possess an extraordinary ability to hang in there and keep working at it. Maybe it was that upbringing that you've mentioned so many times, but I think it's more about the kind of man you are. You meant it when you promised "for better or for worse", "in sickness and in health" - what a shame it can mean so little to many other people.

I am very proud of you.

You are standing for something, staying by your W's side, even if you question what it is that you believe or your own sanity. The reasons you keep trying are an indicator of your values, despite any doubts you have about the kind of person you are. Maybe hearing that from an outsider will help you see yourself more clearly.

Now, having said that, I wanted to point out some things to you.

Before you joined this bb back in Nov 2002, did you ever think you'd be pouring out your soul to complete strangers? It's easier for women to express our feelings, but for a man - well, that says a lot about the man. Just coming here to seek support took some courage and a lot of love, and look at how far you've come. Perhaps not very far in some ways as you might be thinking, but very far in other ways. If nothing else, you've learned some things about yourself, haven't you? And you�ve made some great friends.

The people here may not always have all the answers, but we are still here for you. We'll listen and support you, even if we don't know how to help you. Therefore, use us. Don't be afraid to speak openly about what is going on in your life, your frustrations, etc...

Even if you just come here to put your thoughts into words, to talk about the little successes, to brag about your kids, or to celebrate new cigar stores.

I find that just coming to post helps me sometimes, and I often don't expect words of wisdom. Going back and reading my posts, I find that I learn from the greatest teacher of all: "me". Just last week, I found myself searching for an old post that stood out in my memory. I had to brush aside the cobwebs of my old brain to remember when it was, but I found it, and I printed it out so I'd remember where I WAS and where I AM today.

So, where exactly am I going with all this? Ramble Ramble Ramble��

I know you have a big ego, and along with that comes a healthy dose of pride. Sometimes you've pushed that aside, and you came here here looking to your friends for input. The fact that you're so quiet right now.... well, I think I know you, and the quiet doesn't always mean that things are great. Sometimes I know you are weary.

Use the friends you've made - they didn't go anywhere. I think you're going to need them as you continue along your journey. The bb will always be here, okay? And if you feel more comfortable reaching out to a people in email, then do that.

It's okay to open up about things, even if it sounds like more of the same, even if it's just to hear yourself ramble, and even if it means using other forums. You may need to leave that pride at the door, if you know what I mean. (Said with love, of course.) Who better to speak to than people who have been where you are? You're a smart man, and I think if you read this a few times, what I just said will make more sense.

This is Piecing. No one said it was easy. I already mentioned a long time ago that I think I got the easy way out, with the divorce (never thought I'd say something like that), because I see what many couples have to endure as they rebuild. I'm sure I'd stick with it, because I'm a strong woman. But I wonder if I'd be happy. (See that? I actually admitted that I'm a strong woman. And who says I haven't made progress?

)

Okay, I'm done offering my input, as valuable as it may or may not be. Heck, with another couple of bucks, you might be able to buy a Latte at Starbucks! (I'd be happy to post my 31 page research paper if you like, and we can do a true cost-benefit analysis.

)

Post an update when you can. In the meantime, take care of yourself, okay?

Love,

Mal

Quote:

Hope you've filled in those holes...with dirt, I mean.

Gosh, I hope not. I might still need one (or two) before it's all said and done. I hope she's saving a couple for me!

MAL,

Who are you trying to kid? You are just as long-winded as you always were.

But I'm honored that you chose to ramble on my thread...(since you rarely post anymore...yeah, Right!)

So what got you all philosophical today? And who said the people here don't have all the answers? I think most of us do pretty well. We may not have all the "right" answers for every sitch, but for the most part I think the advice here as been pretty sound. But some things you just have to figure out for yourself. I'm working on it.

I don't post much anymore, but I do drop in and lurk frequently. Don't worry, if I have questions or comments I'll chime in, but there's not a lot more I think I'd add to most of the discussions.

It's really kind of interesting to read where everyone is at, and how they are doing. Each situation is different, but at the same time, they are so much the same...especially in the early stages.

So what was the topic of your research paper?

Since I took the trouble to login, and MAL "did ask" for an update I guess I'll take this opportunity to talk about what's going on.

R mending is proceeding, albeit at a maddeningly slow pace. W and I are on pretty good terms and all the kids seem to be doing well. For the most part, I've really dropped the rope. Didn't think I could ever really detach as much as I have but it has made a difference. I'm less agitated and have been able to be much more of a friend to her, which is what I think she wants.

Watching her go through the process of piecing things together is a big thing. The relationship with the kids is the best. Everyone kind of lowered their guard a long time ago, but the periods when the "old wounds" get opened are almost totally gone.

It's kind of funny sometimes when she brings something up now, or does something that she said she "hated" a couple of years ago. I usually succeed in acting like it's nothing unusual, but it registers. I still haven't figured out if she realizes it when these kind of things happen, but I'm not sure it makes a difference in the long run.

W loves her job and has started classes that will lead to a promotion. She suggested we go visit my parents and attend the family reunion this summer, so there are two trips we'll be making together...Another significant step.

OS is still in Texas, has a new girlfriend, a new job and seems to be doing well. He actually calls us every once in a while to let us know what's going on....Yes it's true, they do eventually grow up! I guess you can't just chase women all your life...SIGH!!!! Sooner or later one of them catches you!

D is going to school up here now. I think I mentioned that before. She changed her major this year which added another year to her plan. But that's OK...she can stay here for awhile, I guess... She decided we should have a vegetable garden so guess what I've been doing on the weekends? All things considered, I think the events of the past couple of years affected her more than the boys. It's nice to see her coming back to her old self.

YS is doing OK too. Like his older brother, he's grown up a little this past year too. He actually takes responsibility for stuff around the house, is still going to the local community college and actually working on a plan to go back to college fulltime. I've sort of accepted that he gave up the scholarship and has to figure it out for himself....but just when I decide to stop giving him advice. He asks me for some. Haven't figured that one out yet.

Bottom line is that they going to be OK...and the best part is that they don't ask me for money, at least not much.

So the family is doing OK. I think I am too. Still not ready to call it a victory, but we are definitely doing well in the campaign. It's been about 5 years now since everything fell apart, or rather, when I realized that everything had fallen apart. I think time, more than anything else has helped us get where we are. We'll see if I can stand waiting for the rest of it.

Well, that's enough for now. Talked mostly about the kids and stuff, but I'm doing OK too. Thinking about retirement...and the possibility of a getting a real job. Hate to think about that, but not sure I'll ever get anyone to agree to another move...and with this job it's inevitable. But that's a story for another time.

Y'all take care and be good.

Thanks for the update!

Ellie

Hi JS.

Thanks for the update.

I was philosophical? When? Are you sure you're talking about me? I am NEVER like that.

I don't know why. But for some reason, I had it laying on my heart, and felt the need to make a post. I didn't see any cigar stores or anything though. I know you don't talk about everything you're going through, and I had hoped that I could encourage you to share more.

The research papers (there were 2 loooooong ones) were on Specialty Coffee Shops followed by another on Starbucks. I can pretty much tell you anything you want to know, including stock performance on all the major players. Yep, I'm sure you're interested in that huh?

Good to hear from you.

I'll be around, keeping an eye on you. Don't make me come out there and show you my size 6 1/2 shoe. LOL.

Take care.

Mal

Hey there,

It has been forever since I've been on the board. Things sound good on your end, glad to hear all those positives.

We were in Florida for the Orange Bowl, we were down to Disney for the 1/2 marathon and H got two tickets. I let OS (he's 9 and a die-hard fan) go to the game and they had a great time. I took YS to Disney World and we watched the game at the hotel. What a game. Since it was a white out, OS made his own t-shirt, the back said "I'd rather be playing Notre Dame" H said lots of people took pictures of the shirt. Of course, the game did end up being a good one. They are looking good for this year. The boys have baseball games, we can't get up to the Blue White game, would have been fun. Put in for season tickets for this year, we only have two, so we are already fighting over who gets to go to the Ohio State game.

Take care,

Jackie

Okay is a good thing. A little while without turmoil is always a good thing. Retirement, huh? I think you'll do well at it as long as you start your second career right away... I can't imagine you thriving unless you are busy.

As always, take care of yourself. -- z

Hey Z!

Well look what the cat drug in? How are the dogs doing? Yeah, looks like I might hang it up sometime early next year.

So you don't think I should take an extended vacation? Sitting around at home watching Oprah kind of appeals to me.

Hope all's well at your end...and keep in touch will ya?

Quote:

Well look what the cat drug in?

Well, I don't look that bad.

Quote:

So you don't think I should take an extended vacation? Sitting around at home watching Oprah kind of appeals to me.

Somehow this brings to mind visions of you smoking cigars and hanging out with the cat... just like the good old days??? I suppose you could learn a lot from Oprah, still, I would think you'd like Judge Marilyn Milian's style and life philosophy a little better.

The dogs are happy and well, except they miss me horribly. H is bringing them to visit me next week. Hurray!

Drop me an e-mail if you get the chance. All of my old addresses are forwarded to me. Ciao! --z

Speaking of the cat and what he drug in....I made some posts tonight. Can you believe it?

I can't see you sitting around either, with or without cigars.

Especially not watching Oprah.

You really gonna retire next year? I figured you'd at least get up there one more "notch" before calling it quits. Besides, won't you miss all those FUN trips that your company sends you on?

Bump! And Merry Christmas! Hope everything's going well. --z

Hi JS,
It's been forever but how are you? I hope things are going great for you and your family. Are you ready for Christmas? Just wanted to stop in and say hello. I am over in Surviving, come say howdy sometime! Take care, Merry Christmas!
Debi

So....are you retired yet old man??? Just thought I'd check in on you. If I made a post after all these months, it definitely means that you are way overdue for a post of your own.

Drop a line when you can!

I can't believe this thread is still here? Y'all need to clean this place up! Old posts lying around just anywhere. Someone could trip and break something.

I don't know what brought me back here, it's been almost two years since I've made a post and almost as long since I've looked at the site. Kind of surprised I remembered my password. Even more surprised to see my story listed under the "Successful Men" line. That's a stretch.

Well, if it helps anyone to read it, feel free. Most of it is depressing and not something I think I'll ever want to go back through. I was on a lot and the people here helped me get through a very rough time. I'll always be greatful for the friends I made here and the support y'all gave me.

As for what's up? W and I just celebrated our 28th anniversary. It's almost like normal, although I can still see the shadow cross her eyes when the weather is gloomy for more than a couple of days. It's definitely more difficult for her in the winter. The important thing though, is she realizes it too and tries to resist it. She stopped taking the anti-depressents almost a year ago. I'm proud of her. She's almost like the person I married.

The kids are doing fine. Both boys are back in Texas, one in the Army and one in school. My daughter is in her last semester in Missouri and looking for a job and life past college.

If some of you remember, my oldest son dropped out of school, spent a couple years chasing women and partying. Well somewhere along the line he turned into a pretty good man. He got married, almost two years ago to a very sweet girl and now they have a beautiful baby girl. Six months old and just the cutist thing. He's deploying overseas again this summer for his second tour but they seem to be taking it all in stride. Funny how sometimes they actually do grow up.

As for me, I finally did retire. It was a tough decision but in the end it sort of just happened. I tried to talk the wife into moving to some foreign country where we could just lay on the beach, but she didn't think me "watching pretty women" would be a worthwhile life goal. So we are going back to Texas instead.(have too! that's where the granddaughter is) $\:\)$ I've got a new job lined up and we are picking out a house. I hope to be settled by late spring. Laying by the pool instead of a tropical beach but that's OK. I can still sip whiskey and smoke my cigars in the 100 degree heat.

To all of you that shared so much with me over the past several years, I wish you the best. MAL, Belle, Ellie, Z, Chilly, Charles, WW, Floyd, Darkness, Mycroft, JW, and everyone else out there, take care of yourselves and your families. It takes special people to reach out on a site like this when they are going through so much pain themselves. No matter how bad it was at home, there was always someone to help you or someone you could help.

And speaking as one who was helped. I thank all of you.

Take care and....

Be good.

OMG!!!!!!
How have you BEEN, my dear man?

What a treat to come on and find you here. $\:\)$
Hugs.

Ellie

Ellie,

How's it going Hon? I'm doing pretty well. You know at some point you just stop worrying about it all and just accept that you are doing the best you can and if they don't like it...well, that's their problem.

I think I've entered that stage right before senility or whatever. I kinda like my life, my family, my job...and I kinda like myself. (who am I kidding, I've always been one of my biggest fans $;\)$ ).

Anyway, it seems to be working out OK. W and I are doing fine, not perfect, but the edge is off of her depression. Still worry about her sometimes, but I think she's got it licked, or maybe she's got it managed...I'm never sure and not sure I'll ever relax totally about it. AND I've got a granddaughter who's really, really cute!

I hope all is well with you, your family, and the rest of the gang from the old days.

Take care of yourself.

Quote:

You know at some point you just stop worrying about it all and just accept that you are doing the best you can and if they don't like it...well, that's their problem.

LOL!!! I hear you on that!!!

Congrats on the granddaughter!

I'm good. Looking forward to seeing S21, who is flying in tonight from college - he has a BALLROOM DANCING competition in town tomorrow! This should be a hoot - I haven't seen him dance yet.

Meanwhile h and S16 are out in the driveway working on the 1970 VW bus that H impulsively bought for S16, just spent a small fortune in automotive repairs to get it up to snuff, FINALLY brought it home today after almost 2 months in the shop - and the gas pedal breaks. GRRRRRR...I'm not in the mood to deal with TWO depressed man/boys tonight!

Great to hear from you!

Ellie

Been another long while since I posted. Just wanted to wish everyone a Happy Thanksgiving, a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

Things have been going pretty good since I retired from the military a year ago. Moved back to Texas, survived my first hurricane (that was cool). The weather is warm and we get to see the kids more. W and I are doing pretty good. Got a new job that pays as well as my old one (plus the pension $\:\)$ ). And the granddaughter is still cute.

All in all, a pretty good year. I guess I'm one of the lucky ones. And this site helped a lot...mostly the great people that post here.

Take care y'all. Enjoy the holidays and be good.

Howdy stranger!

So good to hear from you, and to hear that things are good with you and yours.

And I'm glad the post-military employment is working out - I know that can be a difficult transition.

Have a great Turkey Day and eat a slice of pie for me!

Ellie

Wow, how strange. You and me posting within days of each other? LOL. I rarely stop by anymore.

Things sound great with you.

Congratulations on the job, moving back to Texas, and especially on the grand daughter. Try not to spoil her too much.

I'm in no hurry to be a grandma, S22 can take his time there. But I am looking forward to it. I bet it's great.

You know...tomorrow makes 6 years since I made my first post here. I always remember that we started a few days apart.

And here we are on the other side. Both of us (actually all of us) in a much better place. What a long and INTERESTING road this has been. But no regrets.

It's great to stop by and see some old friends still posting sometimes.

Keep us updated. Take care!

MAL

Mal,

6 years? I guess that's right. Mine was right about that time too. In some ways it seems like a lifetime ago...in others, way too recent.

It has been a long road, although "interesting" is not how I usually think about it. I'm glad you have no regrets. It's a good way to go through life.

The kids are all grown now. I mean really grown. They have grown up jobs...take responsibility for themselves and my oldest even has a family. Who'd have thought. I still remember thinking he wouldn't make it through High School.

Oh well. And now I'm old. Gray hair and everything. But I've gotten used to it.

You enjoy. Be good.

Originally Posted By: jstx

Mal,

6 years? I guess that's right. Mine was right about that time too. In some ways it seems like a lifetime ago...in others, way too recent.

I know what you mean. It's funny the way it feels.

After all this time, I still have dreams about my ex. Like nothing happened, or like we're together trying to make a go of things. WTH? I think it has something to do with us getting along over this past year. Seems to be a pattern that I have good dreams when times are good. Somewhere inside of me, I still have compassion and kindness for him, despite all that crap that happened.

But it is amazing that we are still getting along. Maybe we're just more settled and secure now, so we can be at ease? It's a theory at least.

Anyway, it seems like a long time ago, a different person than who I am today. But there are days when it seems like just yesterday.

Regarding the kids...
S14 still has a ways to go, but I know what you mean about them begin grown up. I am so proud of S22. It's amazing that a person that grown-up and together could come from that M that ended so badly. And maybe there is still hope for S14 too? $\:\)$

BTW, you don't know what Gray is Mister! I've been gray for years. I just hide it well! LOL (but you'll always be OLDer than me! Hee Hee!)

MAL,

Isn't it great when the kids grow up well. I figure W took a couple of years off, but the kids still turned out OK so that's a plus. No one got pregnant, did drugs or ended up in jail...I count my blessings.

Now she acts like it all never happened...wish I had that kind of selective memory. I just try not to think about it. Life's easier that way.

You have gray hair??? But you're so young!

Me young? You must have me confused with someone else. Young at heart maybe, but the body is in need of a major overhaul. Thinking about a trade-in, but don't think they'd give me much.

I hit the big 44 last year, and 45 is coming quickly! But hey, at least I had a birthday. It could be worse.

But the body? Ugh. Bursitis in left shoulder. Something with my rotor cup in my left shoulder. Bad hip. Arthritis in both of my thumbs, and carpel tunnel in my left hand. Doc wants a follow-up to check my bloodwork (long story). Also had a scare last month that required a biopsy. And let's not discuss the memory. LOL. Should I keep going?

Do you have a list too? I bet it's not as long as mine. $\:\)$

I'm glad your kids are okay. I always worried about mine. Thankfully S22 was already 16 when it all happened, and he was pretty grounded. S14 though, he was only 8, and he has grown up in a crappy environment. Not that I'm a bad mom, but I know I wasn't the best for awhile. And now, I may not be the best either, but I try.

I just notice that he's different from other kids sometimes. Part of that is rejection, the moves, losing friends, no friends in the neighborhood, etc...lots of stuff. So I worry about him sometimes. I hope he turns out okay.

But so far no drugs, pregnancies, jail, etc....with either one. And S14 always does well with behavior and such in school, earning awards, etc...So I guess that's a good sign? I hope. I still worry though.

So I just keep him busy with karate, piano, community service, clubs, and traveling. Now we're trying to get him into the academy. I think it will be good for him.

So you and W never talk about what happened? Hmmm.....I know you avoid the issue. You have that "avoidance" thing about you(said with love of course).

But does it ever scare you? I mean, do you ever worry that it might come up again? I always find that when things are unresolved, they eventually come back to haunt me at some point. I was just wondering how you handle it. I know guys are different...just wondering.

A list? You bet and I'm sure it's longer than yours. I'm a disabled Vet and have a fairly extensive list what's broke. I'll tell you about my recent experiences with the VA sometime...it's quite humorous.

Disabled? I guess I haven't heard this story yet. And I would love to hear about the VA experience. Those stories are always interesting.

I would like to say I'm sorry that your list is longer than mine, but I'd be lying. If I have to go down, I'll be in good company! $\:\)$

Hmmm, I'm posting on your thread and you are posting on mine. Yep. I was rated at 30% and, after taxes, that amounts to about $100 extra a month (oh boy!). I keep reminding myself that it was fun while I was doing it...

Originally Posted By: jstx

Hmmm, I'm posting on your thread and you are posting on mine.

LOL. Almost like old times. Man, I had fun on those nights when we were all on here talking to each other. I'm glad I found all of you. It helped me get through the toughest times.

Thanks for being there and sticking it out with me. You're still a good friend.

Anyway, I know I'm older now, but I can still keep up with you.

$100 a month...sounds like enough to spoil that grandchild, if you ask me.

I do hope you're okay though??