Still feeling good. I really think that I had a mental dropping of the rope.
So much so, when I came home for lunch, I saw his truck outside and I was surprised. I had not thought of him all morning.
I take this as a plus.
PLC
Old thread
https://www.divorcebusting.com/foru...ain=63095&Number=2915534#Post2915534
Hello PLC
Today, I woke up and I feel amazing. I had my IC by the phone and when she asked how I was doing and I said "great" she even responded "really?" I can say, maybe there was a further dropping of a mental rope, but I feel good.
Love it!
Reinforce those feelings and thoughts. Let them strengthen that belief within yourself.
Anyway, anyone out there that is struggling today, take a deep breath. You will be ok, I know I will.
Yes, you will!
Doing great PLC.
D
Thank you D and K,
I still have been feeling pretty good. H has been status quo for the most part with his behavior. I was brought bread again, and that is always appreciated.
One thing happened yeaterday that confused me, but I was happy about:
D was out taking a walk and H came into the house after being out for a while. Without D there, I assumed he would just go into the bedroom and shut the door, so I did not expect that when I came into the den he was standing there, he had a big smile on his face and said "hi" then showed me his leg that he got tattooed. He has always said he would not get one, but honestly, after this MLC, I am not surprised. I told him it was very cool. (It had to do with his racing hobby) He opened up about where he went how long it took, he was chatty for him. I said D will be surprised. H said "I saw her walking, I am going to go show her" I asked, "Do you mind if I come too?" he said no, and then he offered that we should walk the dogs. So we did! Nothing exciting and we did not find D. So when we came home I mentioned, I was surprised that he did not get it on his back and he ALREADY GOT ONE a while ago. He showed me, and I like it and said, "wow, you are just full of secrets" I don't think he got the message, but I had to say it. I am just thrilled that it was not a flag of the OW country or her name. (maybe those are hidden).
Once we were done chatting, he went back into the room. When D came home, I went to the door and knocked and he came out to show her, mentioned a side convo that he and I had to her. Once the convo was over, he went back into the room and left later for food.
I know that this is not anything remotely that I can say one thing or another about his behavior. But I will say, this was the most he voluntarily has spoken to me and seeking me out. The whole time I was getting the dog leashes, I was silently praying to be myself and not to question him on why a tattoo now. Believe me, if I could suspend time and gather my thoughts, I would have.
I think all in all, it went well. I exect nothing today and thats ok.
PLC
Hello PLC
Well done with the tattoo.
OMG. I could just imagine him beaming all proud of his new art. And then him excitedly going off to find daughter to show her. Most unsuspected isn’t it?
Glad you had a nice walk together. He even suggested walking the dogs. And then he told you about a second tattoo on his back. What an interesting day.
You did perfect by the way. Validating and being nonjudgemental gave him the opportunity to open up and tell you all about it.
Good for you. Keep your expectations dialled to zero. In a few days he could by upset again. Or maybe not.
You performed and reacted so very well. You are in control of yourself! So proud of you. In truth, a tattoo on my XW would probably yield a remark from me. Lol. I’m going to use your example if/when she ever does that. Well, hopefully I will.
D
Thank you Dnj,
Believe me, it took a lot of restraint to not say anything regarding that tattoo.
I am actually proud of myself. Old me would have asked why and how much. New me just complimented and let it drop. I know that it is a definite 180 from past behaviors, and it is starting to feel very natural.
If your XW ever shows up with a tattoo, I am sure you will do ok.
PLC
If your XW ever shows up with a tattoo, I am sure you will do ok.
Didn't you know? It comes in the kit they get when they order the basic MLC package online
My ex was very anti-tattoo even though I have a couple plus one that was painfully and expensively removed.
She got one at the beginning of her "crisis" to commemorate the love she has for the sister she hated for pretty much her entire life and then I was told another one to express how much she adored her children that she essentially abandoned and betrayed.
Yay!
I think the kids told me my ex had gotten a tattoo a while back too. Typical surfer boy cultural appropriation - I think it was the kind of dolphin tattoo that Polynesian navigators get to commemorate their journeys. On a white guy of German extraction. Whatever.
Hi Andrew and KML,
Andrew- I seriously laughed out loud when I read the line from you that a tattoo is part of the basic MLC package. Yep!
KML, that is too funny. I at least can understand the hobby link for my Hs tattoo.
H posted a picture of it on social media, so he’s pretty proud of it.
Whatever.
PLC
Believe me, it took a lot of restraint to not say anything regarding that tattoo.
I am actually proud of myself. Old me would have asked why and how much. New me just complimented and let it drop. I know that it is a definite 180 from past behaviors, and it is starting to feel very natural.PLC
Good for you. It feels like a victory, doesn't it?
You are doing very well PLC!
Thank you Eagle,
Today might be another showing of another 180. H worked this week overnights. I work from home in Friday’s so, we will be home together. I have ordered new items for the home and am getting rid of other stuff. I have deliveries scheduled for today. I have always been cautious with money, now with this IHS, I have total control and have budgeted it out. In the past I would mention that I liked something and he would blindly say, “buy it” with no regard to bills. So now I am “buying it”. So I think, spending money and not asking about the tattoo, is totally different.
We will see.
PLC
PLC, good for you, that sounds like not only a 180 but a stronger you (budgeting then buying what you want).
Hello PLC
Did your items arrive on Friday?
By the way, budgeting and deciding to purchase or not, and all within your control without his approval - very good! Nice to see.
D
Hi Dnj,
Yes, they arrived and I spent Friday and Saturday replacing it a and purging a lot more than I anticipated.
I ended up with three large boxes of items for donation and another two bags full of linens to donate. Our vet takes towels, and I have so many to give, they will be set for a while.
H was around, and he commented the dishes I bought looked “cool”. He, for whatever reason, ate dinner where D and I had eaten earlier. I can’t tell you the last time he did that.
The next meal he was back to his new normal. My IC thinks that I have a “ new energy” and that possibly H senses. Either way, I am happy with what I accomplished and this weekend there may be more!
PLC
Good Morning PLC
Sounding good.
I smiled with purging more than anticipated or even intended. Once we get going there is quite a bit of accumulated clutter we can clean out of our lives. (Haha, that has deeper meaning than I was writing it for. Funny how that happens.)
I believe you have a “new energy” as well.
Good to see you happy with the results and looking forward to the next volley of work. I plan on doing some more clean up this weekend as well.
Take care.
D
Hi D,
Well the weekend is over and I had the friendly H. I was working from home yesterday and felt like getting a pizza. So I texted him in the other room and asked if he would go get a pizza. Surprisingly, he replied yes and went to go get it. He did not eat with D and I, though.
Today is our 29th wedding anniversary. I have feelings of sadness. Just about how things were before BD, and all of the really good years. Like 29 years ago, we were invincible. I did not bring this up to him. I know no R talk. I get overwhelming feelings though of wanting to talk to him. Especially when he seems so “normal”. I know if I asked if D is really what he wants, #1that would be silly to ask, because it would be so out of the blue, after this long to now ask? No, I won’t. And #2 if he said, that he wanted to stay together, I honestly have no idea of how to get to that point. Right now he’s just living in the bedroom, working and working out. He’s more “available” for small chat, but he’s done this before.
Maybe this is a thaw, but I am needing to see more and I am hoping that I will have a clear signal. I know people might think I’m nuts or delusional but I still love him, and I want to work things out. I refuse, at this moment, to file, since this is not what I want. Every week when I speak to my IC, she reminds me his actions have been opposite of what he said. I still have a hard time seeing that.
I’m just rambling tonight, tomorrow will be better,
PLC
PLC, I don't think you're nuts or delusional. You're LOYAL. That value is a strong plus in a partner.
Good Morning PLC
Wedding anniversary. (((Hug)))
Those special days do tug at our heart and recollection of a different time.
Yes, 29 years ago, young and invincible. The very things a troubled person within the grips of an emotional crisis is trying to recapture. If only they could see. If only they could realize one can be older and vulnerable and happy. That it is ok. Of course, that’s the problem - the crisis of midlife.
Everyone experiences a transition around midlife, as we realize more sand is in the bottom of our hourglass than the top; and there is no flipping it over. YOLO - you only live once - takes on profound meaning for those who embrace its enlightenment. And no, it is not a dare to do something foolish or daredevil like.
As we move into the phase of contemplating our life’s work - career, family, friends, faith, and such - we find peace and contentment as we find the “gold” in our golden years, or we run to find that “gold” which we feel we missed out on. The MLCer is in the latter category compounded with past trauma(s) that must find resolution before they can ever find peace or true happiness. A midlife crisis is a midlife transition gone very badly off the rails.
Perhaps, in time H will get there. He is a low energy type. My XW is a high energy vanisher. Neither one is better at awaken, it depends upon them. Although H does seem to be causing less damage in his wake so there is less that he needs to face. And I do believe he is starting to face his life and choices that have lead him here.
Good for you not questioning H or bring up those desired topics. Yes, H is not ready to discuss those. And by the way, he probably knows what day it was too. You being kind and cordial, asking him to pick up a pizza, is good. Give him time and space to sort out his feelings. Continue not blaming or being judgemental. H’s actions are counter to his words. Believe nothing they say, and half of what they do. H is confused, of course you won’t know what he is feeling/thinking, he doesn’t even know.
You are absolutely correct you need to see more. H may be thawing and he may regress somewhat, definitely will if he is pressured. Let him come to you, with a clearer signal, and even then tread gently.
Something to consider:
I refuse choose, at this moment, to file, since this is not what I want.
Refuse keeps things confrontational. Let go. You made your choice, for you. It has little to do with H, so don’t tie it to him. And don’t refuse or fight your choice. Embrace it. You can always choose differently if you need to later, nothing is carved in stone.
I know people might think I’m nuts or delusional but I still love him, and I want to work things out.
You are not delusional. For most of those IRL, until someone walks in our shoes they really have no experience and no reference. And since we are new to walking this path our experience is rather limited as well and self doubts grow.
Loving our spouse and wanting things to work out are two separate items. Most times those are tied together. Good for you seeing and keeping them separate.
You can love H. I still love J. That doesn’t preclude doing what is necessary nor blind you. In fact, the love that returns as indifference is unwound is far more unconditional than which we started with.
Letting go, compassion, understanding, acceptance, forgiveness; our lives go from blissfully unaware to blissfully aware - in my humble opinion. A pretty awesome transition and embracing of the blessings of this path.
Have a great day.
D
Thank you CW and Dnj,
I AM Loyal. That is a strong part of my personality. Sometimes I think my loyalty may be the only source of a calmness that he is dealing with and possibly, if a MLC can feel anything “guilt-wise”, that he knows at home he’s not in chaos.
I read your words yesterday when I came home at lunch and it is really nice to have something to think about as I go back to work and get me through. Sometimes, we LBS’ only can focus on the current state we are in and need sometime to guide us to a different perspective.
I’m wondering, does anyone ever have the overwhelming feeling to ask their MLC IHS spouse to go anywhere? The weather has been so beautiful and he’s home, and when I leave to head out, I often want to ask if he wants to come along. I don’t, because he has not done the same with me or even D, and most times he still leaves without a word. We just hear the door open and close and he’s out. But because of his “normal ness” I feel “normal” and want to ask him to join me.
Anyway, yesterday was better and today has the potential to even top that! (As I write from bed in pjs,how can it not?)
PLC
It's ok to experiment with something different - go ahead and ask him and see what happens. Just don't get your hopes up.
I agree with kml. It is ok to ask. Keep it pressure free and see if he would like to join you.
I am going to do it. I will wait until there is an outing that my D and I are doing, and then I will ask if he wants to join us. I decided having D along will be less threatening for him. I’ll update.
Ok - but don’t invite him in front of D, in case he refuses and she might be upset at the refusal?
Hi KML,
You’re right. I don’t know if D would be upset, but best to act on the side of caution.
Thank you
Well, after all of that, I decided to not ask. His behavior has not changed, but the other night, after he had been sleeping, I heard him mumble into the phone, “I’ll talk to you tomorrow, I love you”. So I just backed off of my chattiness and did my thing.
This time, he has not closed us off completely, and that is different. So, I am just going to continue to GAL and that fine with me.
PLC
Hello Everyone,
I hope those that celebrate had a nice day. We are not yet vaccinated, so I had told my parents we would not be joining them for dinner, but would try to stop by and socially distant outside for a few minutes. I had told H of this plan. When it was time to go, H did not want to go. I was disappointed. But when D and I returned, he wandered out if the bedroom and sat and listened to the details of our visit. He then got a helping of the food I had set out, ate with us in the room and thanked me.
This morning, he left and came home with baked goods for our breakfast. So his actions are conflicting. I am proud that I did not say anything to him about not going. I will take that as a little victory.
PLC
Good Morning PLC
Good for you not saying anything to H about him deciding to not go with you and D.
H’s behaviour and actions are conflicting, which reflect the conflict within him. Yet he listened about your visit and sat with you and daughter for supper. Continuing with breakfast baked goodies.
The conflicted will travel their path in spurts and stalls. H’s current trajectory seems to be in a welcomed direction. Continue your no pressure approach while being kind and compassionate. Keep living a great life and let H decide to join you.
If he decides or When he decides - matters not. His choice is upon him. You live your wonderful life regardless. That is really the solution to the puzzle we all face. And I believe you are doing a fine job of it.
D
Thank you D,
I have been thinking (what else is new)..
So we are almost at the two year mark from when he told me he "wasn't happy" So in these two years, has he found "happiness"?
I know when he first BD, he was leaving to work out of the country and was gone 3+ months. He had to have been happy. He had his little fantasy life, in fact, got engaged and lived without a care in the world. THen he returned, the engagement fizzled out and he found another one in the other country. He has not been back to the other country since mid summer last year. He lives in our home, in a bedroom, doesn't seem to even be on social media anymore. (he has accounts, not using them) If he has an OW here, he sees them in the morning before work and he is home every night (99.9%) by 3:00 or 4:00 pm. He is home on the weekends, his friends have their own lives and families, even the single ones. His one friend that he would do things with, checked himself into rehab for alcohol. He does not really stay connected with his mom, (I do) does not speak to his brother (since before BD) and he has had issues with his dad. His only constant is his uncle, who is a dear. But even then, H does not see him often because of covid.
I still have all control over money. If he has money from some other source, I do not think it would be a lot.
So is H happy two years down the road? In my opinion, he probably isn't. Unless he says, he is happy to not be married to me, but plot twist, he still is.
I just had to get all of this written down.
I had been very frustrated by the plateau that we are on, I see progress, but not a speedy progress. Someone wrote, why give in the towel when there is still progress? I feel this a lot. I just need to continue my GAL and continue to pray that he comes around. I hope I am still here when he does.
PLC
Hello PLC
Most times the progress is slow and other times it is glacier slow. Still, it’s progress.
Yes, it can be frustrating at times. H is living at home and you see him and his journey, or a bit of it, more often than others may in their situations. That is going to produce some feelings. Temporary feelings.
Let ‘em pass. Gal. Stand for you.
Two years, and agree with you, XH is not happy. Friends, Mom, brother, Dad, and even his seldom visited uncle all indicate that external plateau that you see. Living in his bedroom, no social media and so on. Depression sounding, yes? Hard to know/see what is transpiring internally within H; what progress is occurring.
Perhaps running is winding down and depression is starting to settle in. Perhaps off and on.
I had been very frustrated by the plateau that we are on
(((Hugs)))
Why are you on his plateau?
Now, don’t go throwing in the towel.
It’s just stepping away from his path and his moving slowly.
By the way, I see you doing just that most of the time. This reflection and writing down the past two years although good has influenced your feelings. From my experience, it is also challenging your beliefs and values. A very good and necessary step along one’s path.
Seek your beliefs. Strengthen those you like, those that serve you. Alter or discard those that don’t. As you said, continue GAL, continue your journey.
I was quite serious when I stated you are living your life wonderfully. I do hope you believe as well.
D
Thank you D,
After I wrote my two year thoughts on H, I asked myself what “I” have accomplished in 2 years.
Well, I’m still here. That isn’t a complaint, just an observation. Covid has allowed more at home, that has been hard, but really, I joined a gym, made new friends that I still have kept in contact with during the shut downs. (I actually have plans with one, as soon as I get my second jab) I have done stuff that I wanted to do. I haven’t been rude, I just Am catering to me.
I have realized I can make it, although I want him with me, I know I’ll be ok. IC has been ever so helpful, just to vent.
I have seen chattiness and experienced extreme silence. I have felt lower than lows, I don’t let the lows stay with me. I can’t. I also have had normal days.
I did not see him at all yesterday. This morning, he was still home when I got up. So I asked if he was working over night and he told me he’d be home around 10. So I don’t expect him anytime soon. D went away for the weekend, so I am experiencing just me and the dogs. I have plans to clean out a storage shed this weekend. If he is not working, I assume I will only see him when he wants food.
I get pangs of anxiety when he does something different, like “what does that mean? Is he planning on leaving?” Then I think, if he does, he does. It would still be hard, but that world ended two years ago. This is my new world.
It is supposed to be perfect weather here, so maybe Sunday a trip to the beach is on order.
PLC
Hi PLC
Nice to see your answer to what you’ve accomplished over two years.
I wholeheartedly agree, a trip to the beach is in order.
By the way, tomorrow I am travelling an hour, and having a bbq and visit with a good friend and his family. The weather looks great and it should be a fun day.
I’ll tell you about my bbq day and you tell me about your beach day.
D
Hi PLC
The bbq was great! They marinated the T-bones and cooked them to perfection. Baked potatoes, carrots, salad, and fresh baked cookies for desert.
Had a really nice visit and enjoyed the warm spring day.
How’s the sand?
D
Hi D,
I didn’t make it to the sand yet. There was a rally /protest where I usually go, and I did not want to get caught up in any of it.
I have taken this week off to do the things I have needed to do around here. I have gone to the park for breaks and to get out. I am reading and have gone to the bookstore. He’s been home on his usual schedule. This weekend while D was out of town, he actually told me where he was going and when he’d be back. And believe it or not, he was home when he said he would be! He worked on his hobby sat and Sunday. My IC thinks he may be coming out of the depression since this is the first time in almost a year since he’s worked on any of it.
Today is his birthday. He came home with frozen foods and made a frozen lasagna and went to bed. It is 6:00 pm he went to bed about an hour ago.
I will have myself a nice meal that I will prepare. HBD, H!
PLC
Hello PLC
I agree with not getting caught up in the protest. Nice to hear you took this week off. I’m looking at taking off a chunk of time and getting some larger items off my to do list too.
I also agree with your IC. H is peeking out of his depression. Working on a hobby is a good sign. Keeping his schedule is as well. Still, let him progress slowly.
I suspect H’s birthday is emotionally draining for him. Celebratory dates usually are cause for some reflecting of our lives. MLCers need to learn and accept the tap of mortality upon their shoulder. It’s the midlife part of the crisis. Going to bed early shows more reflection than staying out late partying, IMO. Early to bed due to sad/depression methinks. Good stuff if he is looking inward.
Anyhow, enjoy your meal. I’m thinking it will not be a frozen dinner.
D
Hi Dnj,
Definitely not a frozen dinner.
So, I mentioned that I was off this week. Today, I had work I usually do from home this morning. D was working (actually, still is for another hour) I had a day once I was done with my "work" with nothing to do and no motivation to do anything.
I felt like I could just go to bed. I think I am depressed. I know "bigger picture" why I am feeling this way, but I usually push through.
H came home and we had a normal chat. He then left to walk for exercise. I am friends with one of his friends on social media and he posted where they were. The friend has a young daughter and they were with her. No other people were with them. While I am glad that there was not any women around (as far as I could tell), I was jealous. I want him to ask me if I want to go for a walk. I am happy that he is feeling up to seeing a friend and exercising, I just want him to hang out with me voluntarily.
I am irritated with myself, as I thought I had forgiven him in my mind, and I have thought of things to punish him in the event of a divorce. I realize i have further to go.
I don't know if the fact that the two year anniversary of the first BD is in a few weeks, or if having this time off has forced me to think about things.
I hate feeling this way. I am giving power to him and I need to take it back. I go back and forth of what I would say to him about R and I know he is no where near even thinking about it! Why do I want to even entertain speaking to him??? I know that he does not know that I know of the OWs. He also has a situation where frozen meals and doing laundry are on his agenda. My IC tells me that when he did BD 1, he was leaving me to go be with someone else and he would not have to think about such boring things. He was in a hotel for over three months for a job where a hotel restaurant fed him and made up his room and bed and did his laundry. So now there is that added part that he will have to take care of those things (and he has) if we divorce. I continue, as you know, to cook meals for D and I and buy things we want to eat.
I just am in a stinky head space and I hate it. Tomorrow, I know he will wake up in the morning and get my car washed and my tank filled. Why do I know this? Because I asked if he might get my tank filled and he said sure. He always says yes and always gets it washed afterwards. I cannot even remember when I got gas. He is very thoughtful and I thank him each time.
I am just rambling on. I hate this confusion.
PLC
Hello PLC
Feeling depressed every now and then is perfectly normal. (((Hugs)))
I am irritated with myself, as I thought I had forgiven him in my mind, and I have thought of things to punish him in the event of a divorce. I realize i have further to go.
You are doing really good. Honest.
Those temporary thoughts are bouncing around due to subconscious influences. Those same influences get our feelings all stirred around too. It will pass.
Forgiveness is a choice, a decision. I love how how you have forgiving H in your mind. That is exactly how forgiveness starts and grows. We control our mind, which in turn influences our emotions, and our beliefs. We influence, and in time “believe” in forgiveness. From then on it is more self reinforcing requiring only small inputs and adjustments.
True, you do have further to go. Which is an excellent realization of self.
Another realization - just because you feel and think a bit differently doesn’t negate all the forgiveness you have gained. Beliefs take time and more importantly - and you won’t make a strong belief without this - take challenging that belief.
As we find more and more forgiveness, or most any internal change, we challenge it. We test it. We fight against ourselves and the change that is happening within. Perfectly normal. And a really good thing as you want strong beliefs that can stand up to the storms of life.
Altering and changing our internal belief structure also leads to some grief. I know, how weird. Letting go of those less desirable attributes we hold/held is a loss of something that was comfortable and known. Acceptance is emotional understanding and that path is an odd journey. Our rational mind cannot make it go any faster, nor “figure” it out for our emotional self. Our mind, our mental assertiveness, influences us and gently propels us towards that which we seek. And we grieve and struggle along the way.
I look upon these setback moments as steps forwards. For they really are signposts of progress.
Wanting to punish is anger; “in the event of a divorce” is seeing acceptance; wanting to speak to H is bargaining; there is depression as well. You are passed denial of your beliefs and heading towards acceptance and forgiveness; and some new, and some old and much stronger beliefs and values. Believe me.
I was jealous. I want him to ask me if I want to go for a walk. I am happy that he is feeling up to seeing a friend and exercising, I just want him to hang out with me voluntarily.
I understand and empathize.
H is not there yet. He is reaching out to his friends. Pretty amazing actually. A MLCer’s way back happens in the reverse order that it blew up; from least damage to greatest. More or less - pets, friends, kids, spouse. We are last. We were hurt the most, and therefore will be last to be reached out to.
That is not a slight from H against who you are or anything to do with you. This is all about H and where he is emotionally. And where he is - is spending time with friends who he had mostly written off as he ran off to his new shiny world.
His way back is slow and will have plenty of depression - and frozen dinners. He is growing up from when he was emotionally stunted. That is going to take time, and space, and no pressure. Dig for patience my friend. Focus on you. And keep those expectations low. All for you, and your sanity.
H hanging out with you voluntarily might happen in time. Even probably will happen in time. So continue as you have been and give it time. There has been progress of which I’ve no doubt you see. H filling your tank and washing your car. Hanging with friends, no OW, and chatting with you normally. Good signs among the weird confusion.
H’s path is on his time.
Stay strong. Strengthen those beliefs, and continue moving forward. You are doing very well.
D
I'm sorry you're feeling down, PLC! Be compassionate with yourself too. All of this is hard, and feeling angry and irritated is perfectly okay. As DnJ says, it will pass. Don't be upset yourself for feeling angry or for remembering that forgiveness is a process. Can you allow your feelings to be what they are, when they are? There's this meditation I really love on the Ten Percent Happier app that is all about being grumpy, and it is always somewhat of a relief to me to be reminded that I don't need to fight against that feeling. I don't need to work to change it; it's okay to let it be. (((PLC)))
Hi PLC.
I’m sorry you’re feeling down, it seems that from time that everything seems overwhelming for you.
DNJ is absolutely right - it’s completely normal, and healthy... and this too will pass.
Rebuilding yourself after BD is not like climbing a steady hill, getting slightly higher (better) each day.
It’s full of troughs and valleys and sliding down. The measure of progress is not if you’ve just had a couple of crap days and slid back down the hill... it’s “am I higher up the Hill than I was one month/six months/12 months ago?” Inevitably, the answer to that question is always yes.
Learn to see your progress on a longer time scale, and as a wild up and down rollercoaster, and the rough days won’t seem so bad.
You’re doing great.
Thank you all,
Kind18, you are so right. When I look back at the timeline from 2 years ago to now, there ultimately has been an upward slope.
From time to time, I do get overwhelmed. I go from, "why didn't I just file when he was out of the country and have him come ome to the change he stated he wanted?" to " He is speaking to me more, sometimes unprompted, and I seem to have had more shared by him than before."
Cardinal, I miss chatting with you! I will look for that app. I have been reading a lot of fiction that takes place in far away places and, as we are coming out of the lockdowns travel can be on the horizon. I have decided to research places I want to visit, pricing, airlines, hotels and excursions based on places depicted in the books I read. I may never get to all of them, but to write all of these down calms me. Plus something to look forward to!
DNJ your wisdom is always one I look forward to hearing. I need to remember that this is H and his journey. Right now his journey is a diet. LOL, I did remark to my IC that I have definitely seen behaviors that have not been seen for two years. He is more "available" to the pets, has chatted a bit more and he is reversing to previous patterns. We will see how it goes.
I really appreciate every ones viewpoints. I notice not a lot are posting anymore, and it is comforting to have you all here.
PLC
Well a month has passed since I last posted, although not much has changed with H, I feel better.
We passed the two year BD anniversary with no fanfare. His behavior has been a lot of the same. He’s been aloof, then chatty then he remembers he shouldn’t speak with me or D.
We are now all fully vaccinated, so D and I are having fun out in the world. He seems to be focused on his hobby, staying home to get it ready.
He has traveled since vaccinated for work (really for work) and was recently gone for the week. He actually came in and mumbled he would be gone a week, and the morning he left, he came in and let me know he was leaving and when he’d be back.
I do not know if the OW is relevant to him anymore. She’s posted on social media she’s engaged to him, but it’s funny, she posted a new profile picture and any man that commented how great she looked, those comments have been deleted. So very high school behavior.
My IC mentioned that maybe I should speak to him when I feel he is “chatty and nice” regarding that I still am not planning on divorce, but that is something I do not want to do. With his ups and downs, I feel that would push him even further away. Plus I know that is rule one, no R talk.
Anyway, just thought I’d update for the few of you that still are here.
PLC
Hello PLC
I am glad to read you are feeling better.
We passed the two year BD anniversary with no fanfare. His behavior has been a lot of the same. He’s been aloof, then chatty then he remembers he shouldn’t speak with me or D.
It’s kind of comical how they suddenly remember they are mad at us, or some such, and then won’t speak for a while.
Two years. And look at you!! Strong, healthy, stable.
My IC mentioned that maybe I should speak to him when I feel he is “chatty and nice” regarding that I still am not planning on divorce, but that is something I do not want to do. With his ups and downs, I feel that would push him even further away. Plus I know that is rule one, no R talk.
I agree with you, that particular chat will most likely push him away.
The “chatty and nice” is still a temporary state, along with his less chatty times. Ups and downs, as you said. Keep giving him time and space.
What you could do is start a conversation (not relationship ones
) during his more chatty times and see how responsive he is. Think of it as a small experiment. Perhaps he will want to talk, if so let him somewhat lead the conversation and see where it goes (since this is still very much all about H and his feelings). If he is less responsive then quickly back off, and don’t attempt again for some time.
It’s not that talks don’t work. It’s that talks won’t work at the start. Later, much later for any new LBS reading along, you can approach the MLCer. If the results are not very positive, they aren’t ready. That not to say it will never work, it just isn’t working right now, or anytime soon. One can attempt again later, like months later. MLCers are on their own timeline.
However PLC, given H’s ups and downs, and the fact that he actually let you know when he was going and even told you the morning he was leaving, I think there is something going on within that man. To me it looks like he wants to tell you more and is working up the courage to face you and more himself. Be patient and stay the course my girl. And of course keep those expectations at zero.
Strong, healthy, stable. And wise.
Doing good my friend.
D
Thanks Dnj,
Well a lot happened today. Thank goodness IC was in the afternoon. D has been given an opportunity to live in Europe this summer for a job. They are paying for her to stay there and meals. She’s almost 26 and this is the perfect time to go, as she is not in a relationship and does not have any debt here. (Plus she’s sleeping on the couch) so she and I are sorting thru items she wants to take. H has been very aloof and distant, he seems to be interacting with OW1 while being engaged to OW2 ( and married to me) I think things are imploding in his life as he threw a huge tantrum at D that she is a slob ( we are organizing for her trip ) and that she does nothing around here. (She pays for her health care, her gas, meals for she and I and some of her groceries) she in turned yelled at him and asked what he does around here. He repeatedly hung up on her and left me alone.
She finally broke down and told me she knew of the OW’s as she found out and confronted him two years ago when this happened. He told her not to tell me and she was worried about me. I told her what I knew and tried to relieve her concerns. He apparently told her he planned on renting out his uncles (who is alive and healthy, btw) home and “traveling the world” not having a home. She asked if he was going to live in the country that ow’s are in and he scoffed and said no, so she asked if he was bringing them to the us and again he told her no.
He has acted so out of character, I could only attribute this to MLC, plus he is acting like a class A A**. IC definitely helped as I was overwhelmed.
I understand things are not going his way and he can’t provoke me so he went for her. I can say that this brought D and I closer and that is always a good thing.
She had to run errands so I went along, when we came back around 6:00, he was home and closed Into the bedroom. I was asked what would happen in IC when they would fight before bd, and I would tell her to apologize and I would tell him I spoke with her. Then things would be fine. This is the first time I’m avoiding getting involved, so we will see what’s happens when he’s around her.
It’s sad, because she said she doesn’t need or want to take care of him when he’s older. I told her that’s between him and her. He was shocked back when she originally confronted him that she told him if he wanted a relationship with her that he needed to tell me that he wanted a divorce. That’s the only reason he said anything. So their relationship right now is not the best and I fully understand, he’s blown it up. I wonder if he even realizes it.
Anyway, that was a lot today.
PLC
Hi PLC,
I feel sorry for your D. How must it feel for her to know already 2 years about the OW's and not mentioning it to you, most probably because she didn't want to hurt you.
We feel so much pain and sadness, but our children also feel that pain, after all it is their father, someone they should normally look up to.
But good for her that she opened up to you. This will definitely make her feel better, relieved.
The trip to Europe will also be something to look forward to for her. Would you be able to visit her while she there?
If his plans involve "traveling the world" just one word of advice. If/when this comes to divorce, get everything in concrete assets. You won't be able, for instance, to count on him to pay spousal support if he's in another country, so get a lump sum settlement instead, if that's something you would qualify for. Or take house equity instead of alimony, that kind of thing. And work on getting your own finances in order, getting a raise or better job if you'll need one without his income. Basically plan your financial future as if he's already gone. It won't hurt you if he does decide to come to his senses, and it will definitely protect you if he one day follows through on his MLC fantasies.
Also, if you haven't done so already, run a credit check on you and on him to make sure he hasn't run up debt that you could be held responsible for.
Hi Eagle and KML,
Eagle, thank you. I know and am seeing more of the dynamic between H and D with the exchange. She’s more unphased than I am and that tells me to her, the way he spoke to her is not new. Tomorrow she turns 26 and she asked if I would come to dinner with her and one of her lifelong friends. Not her dad. To me, that speaks volumes. Will it to him? Ha, I doubt it. As for her trip, I won’t go while she is gone. However, there may be the possibility of her working there permanently, and I would go then for sure.
KML, you always have the advice regarding funds. I never even thought about that. I will definitely make sure to look into the finances and see what I would possibly qualify for. Maybe you know, I sure don’t, if he inherits this home he expects to rent out for travel, would I be able to tap into that?
Anyway, today he’s his normal aloof self and I think I would think it was normal nowadays, but I really am upset about the argument. I need to really process this.
PLC
I’m not a lawyer but it’s my understanding, in the US anyway, that an inheritance is separate from marital property so long as it’s kept separate. For instance, if he inherits the property, pays all the maintenance and upkeep himself, it’d stay separate. If he inherited it, and the used funds from your joint checking account that you contribute to, to fix it up and pay maintenance, then you might have some claim.
I’d suggest you have at least a visit with a lawyer to figure out your rights and get a clear picture of what your financial picture might be in divorce. Generally, things to consider include:
Home equity - if you have any. If you bought the home together during your marriage the equity should be split evenly. If one I if you owned the house prior to marriage but commingled funds used to pay the mortgage etc then some of the equity would become community property in a community property state.
If you earn significantly less than him, you would likely receive spousal support. If your incomes are equivalent you would not. If so, I’d recommend getting an equivalent amount in a lump sum, house equity or other assets. If he left the country you’d probably never be able to enforce him paying those alimony checks.Better to have the bird in the hand if that’s what he’s threatening to do.
Retirement accounts or pensions: benefits earned during the marriage should be split equally. A QDRO is a formal division of a pension through divorce . There are formulas for that and has to be done properly. IRAs and 401ks are easier to split.
But most important at present is to look after your future. Get your income to a point that it can support you, if it isn’t already. Get financial ducks in a row. This guy has known your daughter knew about his infidelity for TWO years and he’s done nothing about it. He doesn’t have your interests at heart and he’s unlikely to suddenly wake up. Plan accordingly .
Hi kml,
Thank you! I am going to take all of the steps you have mentioned.
I also, am (I know, i am late) realizing what a jerk he is being. I could handle how he is ambivalent towards me, but to be so rude to our daughter is making me realize a boundary that I had not seen. I know she's older and this affects her differently than a small child, but WOW what an A**! Today is her birthday and he has not even told her HBD.
It hurts me in a different way then him wanting a D has.
If anyone is reading this and has not gotten into IC, please do. This board helps, but a therapy appointment that focuses only on you is the best money you can treat yourself with IMO.
PLC
I agree, PLC, IC has often been the only way I can maintain some outside perspective and not get sucked into H's story of me/us. I wish it were more accessible and affordable in this country.
I'm sorry H has put your daughter in this position. It's a whole other dimension of hurt, isn't it? And it's also sad that he can't recognize how he's harming that relationship, or at least the full extent of it. To not be able to tell her Happy Birthday? That can't be easy for you to witness. But it's good that she feels she can be open with you. I imagine it must be a weight off her shoulders to be able to share some of this and to know that you will listen. You can tell her Happy Birthday, you can tell her how happy you are that she was born.
What a great opportunity for her to live and work in Europe! Kudos to her.
Hi All,
Well it has been a couple of weeks since my last post and H never acknowledged the birthday. She was thinking he is totally typical with his behavior, where as you know, it upset me. Regardless, she had a great weekend and last weekend went to spend with his mom to visit some wineries. (I love his mom)
I can’t even tell you when last I looked at him. Maybe Sunday? He is back to total hibernation and I try not to be around when he’s coming home, because I don’t want to deal with him. He’s not confrontational or anything like that, this is coming from within me. Maybe this is more detachment.
D26 leaves in a week for three months overseas. That can also be why I am detaching from him. I’m preparing myself that I will not have any person here in the home except a roommate. Truly, he comes in and walks into the bedroom. He does not eat here, and does his laundry when it piles up. When I am not home and D is home (she’s working from home) he still just walks in and hides. My therapist said he’s hiding from himself. Last night, for instance, he was in the bedroom by 6:45 until 12 hours later when he got up and took a shower and now left the house.
This has been 2 years of IHS. As I mentioned before therapy is a key to sanity. I can’t imagine what or why he is doing this, but that’s not my job.
Anyway, hope you all have a good weekend.
PLC
Good Morning PLC
My therapist said he’s hiding from himself.
They’re right.
These poor lost souls, hiding and running, oftentimes they do not know why they are doing what they are doing either.
I suspect it’s pretty exciting having D26 going overseas to Europe for three months, and probably a few other emotions as well. Good for her, travelling and seeing the world. Oh, and that summer job thing too. Lol.
Let H be a roommate. Let his laundry pile up. Let him find meals where and when he likes. He is on a strange path and must traverse it by himself and fully.
What’s on your radar for the summer? Travel, beach, work? For me, no real vacation plans. Covid policies are still too restrictive. I’ll work, and putter around my house and yard during my off hours. There’ll be some weekend trips/visits to my kids I’m sure as well.
Have a great weekend.
D
Hi D,
My summer, won’t be too exciting, however the beach is close enough and I have Los Angeles about 45 minutes away which has tons of restaurants and museums. I know I can busy myself on the weekends.
The one thing I really struggle with is not going by myself (I’m good company!) it’s wishing he could be the person that wants to come, too. We finally have resources to have fun and I’m doing all of these things that I know he’d enjoy. This makes me sad and I hate that it does because he has disconnected and gone places without me without a look back.
If D ends up getting a well paying offer, she said she probably would take it. She can work anywhere, but I think eventually she would live in Europe. I know I can visit on my own if this happens, but again, I’d like us both to go but he would obviously have to mend things with her and me and I truly am one of those who feels his MLC will last forever.
I told my therapist that I know he wants a divorce because that is what he told me and I trust his word and she laughed. She reminded me of other things, positive and negative, throughout our marriage that did not come to pass. I know I have hope inside, otherwise I wouldn’t be standing, but I don’t know why I believe him so strongly.
He has done NOTHING. All he did was tell me and live in the other room. He’s been working on his hobby. He ignores D and me. I almost feel like he is pushing for me to file, telling him how horrible he is being. I’m not.
So anyway, today was car wash, I’ll shop for a Father’s Day gift for my dad and finishing a good mystery later. (I love to read!)
It was great to hear from you.
Good Morning PLC
The one thing I really struggle with is not going by myself (I’m good company!) it’s wishing he could be the person that wants to come, too.
Yes going out solo is a struggle. For years and years you and H did things together, and now not.
My first “big” solo outing was a nice steak diner. I don’t recall exactly when, although I did write about it here, I think. Lol. Anyhow, meals out, going to the restaurant, was a family thing. W and I, and usually the kids too. Sure we’d individually grab a burger or some such fast food if we were out for the day shopping or some such. However, a planned meal, an outing, well that was a family thing.
This meal happened early on in my journey and I was still very unsure and full of doubts. Divorced guy, having a meal alone, lol, it felt like I had some mark branded into me that screamed out at everyone. Of course, in reality no one really notices that much.
Still, one of the steps along the path. Letting go. Living and enjoying one’s life.
And yes, the wishing one’s spouse wanted to join you. That’s a hard one to let go of.
We finally have resources to have fun and I’m doing all of these things that I know he’d enjoy. This makes me sad and I hate that it does because he has disconnected and gone places without me without a look back.
I know what you mean.
MLC happens at mid life. Right when our lives are smoothing out - kids are grown, bills are mostly paid, money is not the problem it once was. And then, Boom!, not so smooth, D, custody issues, money problems, etc.
Focus on you. It’s ok to realize that which H once used to enjoy. Do not let it keep you from living and enjoying those times. Go out for a steak dinner (as an example) (hmmm, perhaps I should not type when I’m hungry.
)
If daughter gets a job in Europe, for sure go visit her. And do it sans H. He has a ways to go yet. Besides anyone who just stays in his room isn’t getting dragged along on a airplane ride across the globe, IMHO.
I think you are correct that H is looking for you to explode and push things along. Time and space. And let him do the heavy lifting. You know this is a marathon and not a sprint. Focus on you and live your life. When/if H wants to join you he can find the courage to ask (he has before).
I know I have hope inside, otherwise I wouldn’t be standing
Who or what are you standing for? You or H?
Hope is a power force. Standing for you, as odd as this will sound, transcends hope. Standing for you lives in the realm of beliefs. That actually reinforces hope. For if one stands hopeful, then when hope wanes so does one’s reason to stand.
Have hope, and stand. Two separate items. You will still stand for you when all is hopeless, and in that act, hope renews.
It a nice sunny day here. Hoping it is a pleasant day there as well.
D
Hi D,
I conquered dining alone about four months in. I went out for my birthday. It was a Friday evening, and I did not want to be home with H avoiding me and I did not want to tell family, so I went out alone. I texted my therapist a couple of times and ultimately enjoyed myself.
I’ve conquered the movies and realized going solo to the movies is fantastic! It’s just missing that companion.
I am standing for me. My beliefs. My dreams. If that leads to a D, I will know I’ve done all I could. I want to be that lighthouse for him, but right now, I don’t think he’s offshore. He’s still out on the choppy seas.
Weather here has been hot, seems to be more of the same. It’s Fathers Day, so I will visiting my dad. I hope if you celebrate Father’s Day, you enjoy yourself too. Your kids are lucky to have you!
PLC
Hi PLC
Wow, dinner out after only 4 months, and solo. And on your birthday no less. Way to go!
Glad to see who and what you’re standing for. Not matter the outcome you’ll know you’ve done all you could do.
D
Hi D,
I only went out because I refused to be home and if he knew it was my birthday and I was home, I did not want to give him any satisfaction.
So MIL is coming to see D before she leaves. She asked if she could, as she has in the past, stay with us. I told her yes, and then I had to tell her what all has been going on. She was upset and felt responsible. I told her absolutely not that this is his journey. We discussed his past to try and understand what could have triggered this. All she could surmise is that right before H and I met, she had left his dad (apparently verbally abusive) and lived on her own for a year. She moved back into the home, knew it was not going to work, but her MIL died suddenly then her father became ill and passed. So within a year three traumatic things and I walked right into the middle of it with no knowledge. We got married and he never dealt with all of it.
So that gave me some insight, but it doesn’t change anything within him. I just understand and can empathize.
She is not telling him she’s coming, so this will be interesting. (He rarely speaks with her) so I wonder how he will react or if he says something.
So that is my update. She did mention if D ends up staying overseas she and I can go visit her. I also told her once D leaves I will pack up the pooches and head up north to stay a while with her. I am glad she’s in my life.
PLC
Hi PLC,
Wow, so MIL didn't know anything about your situation?
This must surely have been a shock to her.
Strange to hear that the people you are closest to experienced such traumatic events and that you simply don't know anything about it.
This shows that there is still a huge amount of taboo around experiencing trauma and talking about it openly.
Good for you that you have somebody who can join you to see your D overseas.
It is always nice to have some good companionship.
Take care xxx
Thank you Eagle,
No one knows about this situation. This is just easier at this time.
I have anxiety about them seeing each other tomorrow. She is concerned about her son and she’s concerned about me. I know as a mom, she’ll want to speak to him and I wonder if he will gaslight her or actually talk to her.
I haven’t even seen him. So it will be interesting when she shows up if he is even home. He usually is in the room by 4:00 on, but who knows.
Anyway, thank you for writing.
PLC
MIL update-
So I mentioned today the MIL was coming to see D before she embarks on her trip. He said ok. I then mentioned she was staying here. He seems unphased, left and then called D on her phone to ask if she’d like to put her excess stuff (from the living room, where she sleeps) outside by the garage, then he’d put it in the garage. It’s apparent he wanted to be “present” for his mom.
When MIL arrived, he was home and greeted her. He later came and sat with us and we talked about movies he’d seen at the theater. He eventually got up and left the room and did not say anything. We did not see him again.
He has texted D from the other room to ask her to breakfast tomorrow. It’s all so weird. I was so concerned about having family here, and he has basically avoided his mom. If I had t told her, she would just assume he was being aloof.
It still is anxiety producing, but i need to focus on me and not try to figure out where his head is.
PLC
Good Morning PLC
Yes, that is some weird interactions going on from H.
She is not telling him she’s coming, so this will be interesting. (He rarely speaks with her) so I wonder how he will react or if he says something.
I was so concerned about having family here, and he has basically avoided his mom.
Wounds of the past run deep.
How long is MIL staying?
When does D leave?
Daughter’s pending leaving, and the actual leaving, is a huge change (for everyone but let’s look at H for a second) and will undoubtedly push and trigger some of his emotional buttons. Abandonment, loss, and such.
Mom being right there will also bring forth those unrealized and unreconciled feelings of the past.
I suspect weird and strange behaviour will be displayed. Things could just simmer away or boiled over. Stay clear and out of the line of fire.
Yes focus on you, on daughter, and enjoy the visit with MIL. If MIL is around for a few weeks, that’s a long time for H to try to be/act on his best behaviour.
Continue as you are. Expectations to zero my friend and see what happens.
D
Hi D,
She’s just having a quick visit. She’s leaving this morning.
I heard him get up this morning and I heard him speaking to her. So I thought, that they would be speaking about everything. Nope. She even asked him if he was ok and he said he’s fine. So he avoided it.
D leaves early Monday. So it’s all happening this weekend. He and D left before MIL left.
MIL really thinks he’s depressed, but there’s nothing I can do about that. I just need to, as you said, stay out of the line of fire.
I’ll update when I can.
PLC
Good Morning PLC
It’s little surprise that H avoid this and other certain topics. He is his mother’s son, and unless I’m way off base, she and he never did talk much. There is lots of stuff left unsaid in most families, which slowly accumulate over the years. From what you’ve shared, H has experienced and seen a fair bit of strife growing up, and never really dealt with it.
Most depressed folks withdraw inward and then slowly deal with their grieving emotions. It’s slow. And for some it appears to not even happen. However, it is a mostly internal process with little outer display. While in depression, people seldom smile, or talk, or go out, or see friends, or such. They feel, and yes even believe, they will feel like that forever. That is one of the main reasons for the length of depression, it is altering that firmly held belief. It takes time to gather enough data; time to be willing to actually see this data; and a willingness - begrudging as it may be - to look into the possibility that they are wrong and their feelings are not forever.
All of us experience this in our grief. This is not some process reserved for the far gone, this is a normal emotional path towards healthy and whole. Problems arise when crisis proportions of depression and past loss pile up, or in these case - reveal themselves from their buried slumber. A crisis is much more deep and dark which leads to much more projection upon others, and blaming and justifying to support their believed view.
Time and space. And counterintuitively, few to no talks with their once loved spouse. The LBS is usually the target of the MLCer’s blame and projections. Us attempting to defend or set things straight just pushes them further away. The crisis part of their depression showing here - incorrect associated cause towards their spouse. When in fact some authority figure from long ago is more aptly the proper target. Shrug, not much an LBS can do but live their life and continue forward.
Depression, even deep depression, one still can see, even if it is only a wee bit, can still see their part in their loss. When pressure and pain is beyond even that dark point the person’s psyche collapses into a crisis and several emotionally stunted and poor coping mechanisms take over - denial and avoidance being some of the chief ones. A crisis person loses themselves in that shift, in the denial of self and what happened to them. These poor lost souls are deep in the dark, with no well crafted emotional tools or coping strategies, adrift on their ocean of pain with no heading, and very few (if any) beacons to steer towards.
Your H sounds to be depressed and avoiding things, and also displays making progress. Daughter leaving to Europe and no longer sleeping on the couch is an obvious change to things. The obviousness of this is…well obvious. What I mean, is H cannot ignore this. His daughter will be across the globe. I suspect H has had his ocean rather calm for a while. That equilibrium is about to get shifted and some emotional waves are going to start. And, in my forever hopeful views, some waves for H will be a good thing to propel him along.
Waves not created by you dear PLC. You remain the beacon.
D
Hi Dnj,
So, yesterday, when D and H went to breakfast she confronted him that he forgot her birthday. He was shocked and sorry. They hashed things out between them and they are on solid ground. He also said he would come with us to the airport tomorrow morning to see her off. I know this made her happy.
I spoke with his mom and she tried to call him and speak with him and just to mention that she was disappointed that she did not really see him this visit. He was at his uncle's and was gaslighting her that he was fine. She told me that he did a great job as a father to our daughter. He told her that D was going to be gone three months. We all know this, but i found it interesting that he has focused on that detail.
Yesterday, I felt that he was being more present, cleaning things and asking about food items (just basic conversations) and this morning, he let me know that he filled the car up for me ( I had asked last night) I thanked him.
D and I had plans to head out for last minute items she needs and she told him we were going to the mall. We were gone a few hours. We get home and he has posted that he is at an amusement park. I was instantly crushed. Not because I want to go there, but I want to go anywhere with him.
I know that I will not know where his head is unless I ask him and I do not want to do that. I did ask D if he mentioned anything on a divorce or moving out of our home with her since he knows that she knows about the OW and she said that they did not discuss him and I. I will not ask her anymore about him and I don't want her to feel bad about hurting me.
I really feel on the edge with her leaving. I am going to change my routine since she will be gone and I do not have to worry about being loud walking around while she's trying to sleep in the living room. I have sent this kid all over with world since she was 11 and went to NZ for a couple of weeks. I have never cried, I have always been too excited for her to be sad. I am so excited for her, but this time, I feel on the verge of tears. I am actually very excited to work tomorrow since I will be the only one there, I do not deal with customers, so if I want to have a big cry, I can.
I have plans and friends that I will see over the Summer, so I will not be moping at home, but if I could with no one knowing, I would be happy to stay away from the world.
I remain hopeful that him not telling his mom can be a positive to me, but the fact remains that he does not want to go anywhere with me alone.
I realized I am just writing anything that comes to mind and apologize for juming all over the place. I will post after the airport tomorrow.
PLC
Hello PLC
I like your post. Sometimes we just need to get stuff out and we jump all over the place. This is a pretty good spot for that; lots of folks who understand.
We get home and he has posted that he is at an amusement park. I was instantly crushed. Not because I want to go there, but I want to go anywhere with him.
(((Hug)))
If you step back from the crushing feeling a bit, I believe you’ll clearly see a few things. First, you would not ditch your daughter on her last day at your place for the next three months. You’d do what you were doing - spending time with D26.
Second, H is at an amusement park. That screams run and avoid. Bright lights, noise, commotion - plenty to keep one’s focus off their inner self.
Third, that crushed feeling. Why are you giving so much power to H and his actions / behaviour? Expectations, detachment, indifference, and so on. I’ve some things for you to consider:
I remain hopeful that him not telling his mom can be a positive to me, but the fact remains that he does not want to go anywhere with me alone.
The hope you seek is that his not talking to his mom is positive to him. That he will be propelled a bit, in a hopeful positive direction, due to the inner stirring of his emotional equilibrium that he has crafted at this moment.
The positive to you is by your hand. True, if things go well, eventually a positive outcome may happen. However, your positives are for you and by you.
You have tied a few unrelated items all together. Hope, positives, H not wanting to go with you. Uncouple those. To that end:
It is not a fact that H does not want to go anywhere with you alone. Not. A. Fact. Do not give this such power. You do not know what H wants, even H doesn’t know what he wants. And to elevate such mind reading to the status of a fact is not helpful. Facts are unchanging truths. Be careful with your wording and accuracy; your mind, like everyone’s, crafts your reality. If you say something is a fact, it becomes so. Feed your mind accurately.
To alter that crushing feeling. Do something different. Imagine this: (Of course not the day before daughter leaving)
H: I’m at the amusement park.
PLC: Oh, that’s sounds like fun. When did you get there?
H: I arrived 20 minutes ago.
PLC: I’ll join you and we can ride that big coaster and have those little doughnuts for supper.
You’ll notice, I didn’t ask. Just simply stated “I’ll join you and we can…”.
If that is a bit too spontaneous or not quite within your current comfortable zone, do a 180 and ask him to join you. Some time when he more or less free. Just an offer. With no expectations from you. “I’m going to go to the beach for a couple of hours. Come along and we can swim and lay in the sand for a bit.” If H agrees great. If not, ok; and go to the beach.
No pressure. No expectations. And no rush for you to attempt this little experiment. However, imagine it. H’s imagined response should be a possibility not a fact. How we believe things will work out, colours how we approach things. And how crushing certain events become to us.
H may still not go with you. Why? What is his reason? Who knows. Point is, you took control. It is he that is not going with you, not you not allowed to go with him. And that changes everything - for you.
D
Hi D,
I think that I had that crushed feeling because D26 was leaving. I have been sad knowing she's heading out. These are new feelings for me, I have always been too proud to feel sad that she was leaving for anything, college, trips, etc.
So it was going to be H and I and some of D's friends on the trip to the airport and the friends decided sleep was more enticing at 3:00AM.
So the three of us went. H drove and was quiet, we all were, and when we got to the terminal (which was so busy already!) he helped unload the bags and asked if I wanted to walk in with her to make sure she was all together and he would drive the loop (LAX is HUGE) and pick me up.
He did, and I thought we would drive in silence, but we actually talked about D and this choice she has made, what she and her friends did last night and what we will do with her car, parking it while she is gone. He was not chatty but was nice. Once we got home, he said he was going to watch tv, since he did not have to be at work until 6:00am. We got home, he went in the house and went into his room and closed the door.
I went back to bed.
PLC
Hello PLC
3:00 am. A nice early flight.
I understand that sad feeling. And the feeling of being proud. It is weird. Ain’t it? It will take a few days, and it will be alright.
I’m glad to see H went to the airport and dropped off daughter with you. Nice he was talking about her and her choice, and actually pleasant.
I’m with you, and would have headed back to bed too. The sun would barely be up. Lol.
Take care.
D
Hi D,
You are right about it taking a few days to get adjusted to the change with D26 absence.
On Monday, I had some things to take care of and I was exhausted. He was around and I had minimal conversation with him.
On Tuesday, I worked and when I came home, he was not in. When he did come in, he asked if I heard from D26 and we looked at her social media, and what she was posting.
He then did laundry and went to bed.
I am still tired and I have some things to do around the house, now that the living room is not a bedroom, I will be organizing this week / weekend. Then I will go back to just living for me.
PLC
I thnk I am going to tell my immediate family today. I am scared and anxious. I am also mad that HE initiated this and I am the one that has to tell people. I obviously do not have the answers and it is hard. But with D26 gone until Sept. I cannot keep avoiding them and I need to say something.
Hi PLC,
How are you doing? How was the reaction of the family?
Do you feel relieved by telling them the situation? (I know I would after all this time)
Hope you are well.
Eagle
Hi Eagle,
Reaction was interesting. My dad said he thought something was as going on. My sister just asked what’s I wanted to do.
It was a lot for me to talk about it, even briefly.
There is relief. Where I would not tell people what I did alone as to not cause questions, I feel like it was my “Independence Day”.
What caused all of this was my cousin, who we have not seen for over 8 years, was in town. We found out at the last minute, H had already left for the day. So I texted him asking if he was around, my cousin was going to visit my parents.
H replied he was at the beach. So I made the decision, that I really wanted to see my cousin. So I went over. I ended up having a great visit, and when he and his wife left, my family celebrated the fourth.
I came home around 5:00. He was home watching a movie with a friend of ours. When I walked down in, H asked if I went to my parents. Then he asked if I saw my cousin. Both I just answered “yes”. He then left the room, and our friend watching the movie and went outside to hose off the lawn? Weird.
The movie finished, I said goodbye to the friend and H went to bed. 6:00 pm.
I was hungry and went to get food. I came home and was eating and he walked in basically to wash his hands? Then he went to bed. So he was definitely checking to see what I was doing.
It got very loud here with fireworks and we have one dog that doesn’t care for the noise. I took the dogs into the bedroom and had the tv on loud and finally got her to relax and sleep.
So, I am glad I finally told them, I asked that they keep this to themselves. I do not anticipate telling anyone else for a long time. I almost feel like H will see this added confidence I have now knowing family knows. He won’t know why, but I feel different.
Thanks for checking in.
Hi PLC,
I'm glad you at least told your closest relatives.
Now that your daughter is gone and she is the only one who knew about the situation, you at least have other people you can count on if things are getting tough. And of course you have us too.
Would H realize that you informed them? Presumably, and that certainly makes them think, seen the strange reactions.
Telling such things to someone, that is also the beginning of acceptance. Understandably, this was still very difficult for you as this is the first time you come out with this.
I must admit that my entire entourage of family and friends are aware. This is because we have a a huge social life and at a certain point I wanted to go through with the divorce.
However, I am at peace with this and I do not find it difficult to talk about this anymore.
However, this is a very personal thing, I am someone who wears my heart on my sleeve, you are probably more of a person who keeps things to herself.
At any case, you have to do what makes you feel good PLC.
Take care.
Hi Eagle,
I am typically very close with my feelings and what is going on in my life. H knows this. He probably expects this, especially after all of this time. If he thinks about what I am doing at all, telling my family is not one of them. I mean, he still hasn’t told his mom, so why would I tell my parents?
I still feel better having told the family. When the weekends came up and I did not want to go anywhere, I always felt weird when I stayed home and family did stuff. I preferred to not be around, because I didn’t want to make an excuse of why H was not there.
It definitely is a closer step to acceptance, and I truly did not realize that I had not accepted what has been happening over two years.
I continue to learn and work on me.
Thank you,
PLC
Hi Everyone,
I’m still here. D26 will Home in a few weeks. She has conquered Italy and needs to come home so she doesn’t hit 90 days.
H was somewhat chatty, not about us, but nice enough. He then said he needed to go to where OW2 is for a work estimate. He was shocked when I said, “I’m sure you’re excited to go” he said quickly, “why?” I explained, he was there for over three months straight and I’m sure he has friends he’d like to see at the plant he was at. Lol, I know what I meant.
So he left, was gone for 5 days, then came home and was gone on his annual trip with his dad and uncle. I did text him once during the family trip and he was very nice returning quickly a response. I discovered after his “business trip” that he and OW2 were no longer friends on social media. This lasted about 2 weeks. He has stopped chatting and he has ensconced himself in the other bedroom most afternoons.
I have been doing well. I am currently looking for a new job that is full time and where I can work from home. I am looking forward to being able to be mobile. This has been very good for me, as I have an exit plan. Writing everything down and working towards it is empowering. This exit plan can help if we stay together, as more income is always good!
I haven’t been on here as I was just moving forward. Thought I’d check in and see how my friends are doing.
PLC
Hello PLC
It’s so nice to hear from you.
I do hope you find a full time job and can work from home. Glad your plan is fleshing out; and yes, working towards a goal is empowering.
Oftentimes our situations have prolonged periods of calm. That limbo is pretty unchanging and thankfully drama-free. Nice to hear you’re doing fine, and looking and living forward.
Regarding checking in on your friends here. I’m doing well. I’ve posted quite a bit and no need to rehash that here. Let’s see, something new about my life. Hmmmm. Lol.
So today I went out for lunch with my buddy from work. We took my work van. He hopped in the passenger seat and we headed off for our pretty much weekly steak sandwich meal. Oh, it is sooooo good! A nice steak on toast, with fries and gray, a beef barley soup, and a side of fried battered mushrooms.
While driving and in the midst of conversation, my buddy yelped mid sentence. He started grabbing at his shirt. I asked what was wrong and he didn’t know. He was hurt. Here were are, around 5 minutes down the road, in a van, windows closed, air conditioning on, just moseying through the traffic and OUCH!
He scrambled for a minute. I ask if I need to pull over. He is trying to look at his own collar bone area. My work van doesn’t have window visor vanity mirrors so I tell him to show me where it hurts. He pulls his shirt down a bit and there is a bite or sting mark. He figured as much.
He fumbles with his shirt wondering where the stupid bug, which must have gotten squished what is now three minutes ago, is at. Then buzz!!! Ahhhhhhhh! An angry wasp flies out from under his shirt and is buzzing around the closed in cab. OMG. I hate wasp and bee stings.
The anger little guy is ripping around and diving at us. Our work shirts are bright blaze orange which probably looks inviting.
We get the windows down and work on getting the insect outside. All while in traffic and not crashing. Lol. Gosh, I hope I don’t get reported. Haha.
Finally, the little guy gets to the outside side of the van and we close the windows again. My buddy and I laughed quite a bit. Although he felt this for a couple hour into the afternoon.
D
I discovered after his “business trip” that he and OW2 were no longer friends on social media.PLC
Haha, how similar again. Found out exactly the same thing this week.
I have been doing well. I am currently looking for a new job that is full time and where I can work from home. I am looking forward to being able to be mobile. This has been very good for me, as I have an exit plan. Writing everything down and working towards it is empowering. This exit plan can help if we stay together, as more income is always good! PLC
Good to hear you are doing so well! Do you have some support from family members now, since you told them a bit more in regards to your situation?
Hi Eagle and DNJ,
I am sorry it took a bit to get back to you both.
First D, if I got stung by a wasp I don’t think I would be as calm as your friend! If I as the driver, I definitely would crash. Glad you both were ok.
Eagle, I do feel a lot of relief in telling my family and MIL. My dad has told me in the times, he brings it up, that whatever I want, he and my mom support me. My sister has told me she’s there for me. My MIL is so upset thinking she caused this, I have tried to tell her, this is all him. She has told me she wants to travel with me to see my daughter in Europe and if I am in a mobile job, I can stay there for a while. I get along with her just fine, and we could travel easily.
As for H, he finally told his mom that he and I “were not getting along.” She asked what happened, (she did not tell him she knew, as she wanted him to tell her) and he told her that we “grew apart” he also told her he was happy with how things are at home. He did not mention any other women. (Big surprise)
I really am focused on my future, sometimes it seems ridiculous that it took me so long to make a plan, but I was not ready before. H is still aloof and won’t eat with us and leaves me alone. I’m used to it now. I will say he still will take my car to get it filled up and get it washed. Last weekend I told him I didn’t need it, and during the week he asked for my keys and took care of it before this past weekend. So I know that there is still some courtesy that he extends.
It makes me wonder, how come he told his mom he’s fine with how things are. Is he biding his time until something better? Or is he, according to my therapist, unwilling to initiate divorce? His mom point blank asked if he had seen an attorney and he told her no.
The thing is, all of my ducks will be in a row, then once I take that step, I’m gone. I know he doesn’t think this, so it will be a shock. Oh well.
I hope things are well for both of you!
PLC
Hello PLC
My poor friend, he had a welt from that wasp bite for a couple of weeks.
It is good to see you focusing and considering your future. It was not ridiculous the length of time for you to get to that point. We all take the time we need. Keep being patient and ensure you make wise choices and decisions. You still have the gift of time, use it well.
It is interesting H finally telling his Mom. And of course no surprise it’s his version of things.
It makes me wonder, how come he told his mom he’s fine with how things are. Is he biding his time until something better? Or is he, according to my therapist, unwilling to initiate divorce? His mom point blank asked if he had seen an attorney and he told her no.
Now that is interesting. I don’t think H is lying about not seeing a lawyer. Oh my goodness, why am I using such double negatives. Lol.
I think H is telling the truth, he hasn’t seen a lawyer. Mom’s sudden forward question would have most likely caught him off guard and he’d not be ready to utilize a planned fib.
Is he biding his time? Maybe. Waiting for something better? I don’t think so. Is he unwilling to initiate a divorce? I think this is a yes.
I think H is biding his time. Perhaps not for another relationship or partner. He wants clarity. I think he sees (at times) how messed up things are for him. He is just slowly walking his path. And these poor souls walk at a glacier pace.
I understand how it is still confusing. H doesn’t eat with you. He is aloft. And yet he washes and fills your car. I’ve kind of wondered if one of, or even his primary love language might have been acts of service. I find something almost there with his continual looking after your car, and by extension maybe you, sort of. Weird I know. Well irrational really.
Anyhow, with all your ducks getting lined up, what do you want to do? What beliefs and convictions do you want to enact and live by?
I believe it best to ask the hard questions and find the answers before one takes that step.
D
Hi Dnj,
I really did not know anything about love languages until this happened. Looking at how he was, I think acts of service is how he shows love. In fact, when he found out D was coming home a couple of weeks ago, he went and took her car to get washed and filled up (sound familiar?) so she’d have a clean car to come home to.
Therapy for me was today and I asked my therapist why if he’s living on his own here and really as a roommate I would barely see, why is the car something? She said he likes continuing the facade of the status quo. I think it’s silly, but if it makes him pretend he hasn’t imploded our marriage, whatever.
With gathering my ducks, let’s see, I’d like to be self sufficient, the job search will help with that. I would like to continue my drive to be a person I personally enjoy. Live honest and be a hard worker for myself. I want to set an example for others on how to do this.
I have always been someone’s someone. A wife, a mom, an employee. I want to be me. If someone wants to come along, (I’m hoping H) great. If not I owe myself this chance.
In a couple of weeks, a new museum opens in LA, I got tickets for a preview and I am super excited to go. I also bought tickets for a concert at Halloween. I have missed every year it happens, and last year it was skipped and this time, I heard about it in time to get good seats. H would love it. But, I know, based on my IC, he can’t enjoy himself. He’s really not happy and how could he even have a touch of fun with me? The thought of this makes me sad, but more for the situation, not for me. I know I am dropping the rope more each day.
Anyway, everyday I am excited to see what’s in store.
PLC
Dear PLC,
Nice to read that you are doing well, your message actually made me smile!
Apparently you are really detached from H, so now is the time to enjoy life again to the fullest, and plan some activities that you used to enjoy.
(I suppose reaching the end of the quarantine also has something to do with it ;))
And tell us all about your museum visit!
((((PLC))))
Hello PLC
Checking out a new museum sounds like a pretty good excursion. And scoring some good seats for a concert for Halloween. Have a great time!
I would like to continue my drive to be a person I personally enjoy. Live honest and be a hard worker for myself. I want to set an example for others on how to do this.
Excellent goals and headings. Very fine convictions to live by.
It’s pretty nice when the future is exciting again. Isn’t it?
D
Hi Eagle and DnJ,
I am excited for the future. It is just getting all lined up about what I want and how I am going to achieve my goals. At least I am working towards something...something with a good reward too.
H is really trying my patience right now. As far as I can tell, he has not done anything different, I think it is me. I have made a goal, and there must be a part of me that is fighting it deep in my psyche, because it still wants us to reconcile. He has been coming home and I will be making dinner for D26 and I, and he will be asked if he would like something, (since I am in the kitchen, cooking) and he will say no. D and I eat and then he comes back into the kitchen and will have a slice of cheese and bread. He is doing this a few times, as he must be hungry, but it is so annoying. Last evening, he came in while D and I were deciding what to go and pick up (i didnt want to cook) she asked him if he was going to eat with us we were getting dinner and he said he was tired and didn't want anything. She and I left, picked up the food and came home and ate and here he comes, looking for something to eat after all. It is like he is trying to avoid us both.
Today is IC for me, so I will definitely bring this up. I know I should not let him bother me, but it's really under my skin.
Hope you both have a great day. The museum sneak peek is this weekend and I cannot wait! I will let you know how it is after we go.
PLC
My teenage son does this every night. Bought a ton of containers even and announced he was cooking for himself. Rarely succeeds and ends up eating what I made. It's a regressive effort to show he doesn't need you and is independent. Don't waste your IC time on that. It's just teenage posturing. Ignore and eat out in the garden so you can enjoy your food.
Thank you Gerda,
I need to remind myself that he is mentally a teen. Our daughter annoyed us both at that stage and here we go again.
I appreciate the reminder.
PLC
Good Morning PLC
As Gerda said, teenager behaviour. Rebellious. Trying to be independent. Brash. Etc.
Yes that kind of behaviour gets tiresome after a while. However, you are becoming annoyed because of unmet expectations. You control your thoughts, actions, and reactions. And you influence/affect your emotions. H’s behaviour does not control your annoyance; it does influence it though. However, you can influence yourself more!
H is really trying my patience right now. As far as I can tell, he has not done anything different, I think it is me.
Excellent self awareness my friend. Yes, it is you.
Lots of inputs come along and can detract or derail our day / happiness. Who is in charge? Why allow some random event or person alter or change your outlook.
I have made a goal, and there must be a part of me that is fighting it deep in my psyche, because it still wants us to reconcile.
Yep. That deep seated inner fighting of our psyche is felt pretty easily. Nice that you recognize and acknowledge it so quickly.
Is your purposeful goal to leave and not reconcile? Or did you place a timeline or deadline upon things? Intentionally or maybe unintentionally?
As hope(s) get deadlines and timeframes attached they become expectations. A deadline does just that, makes hope dead. The unmet expectation turn to poison, and resentment festers within us.
Perhaps, the part you are fighting internally is your hope for reconciliation. Depending upon your life goals - dating, meeting someone else, or living single, etc. - hope can remain alive or it needs to extinguish.
I have always been someone’s someone. A wife, a mom, an employee. I want to be me. If someone wants to come along, (I’m hoping H) great. If not I owe myself this chance.
You can be you. And still have hope.
You are tying H, hoping H, will come along on your journey. And if not… See the expectation? Untie it.
H is not going to walk with you as you discover PLC. He is on his own journey which he can barely handle. However, you do not need to move on, nor should you move on, just move forward. H will catch up if he wants too.
Crafting life’s convictions and discovering self is a most worth goal. Take the requisite time and ensure decisions and actions are based upon that which serve.
D
Hi DnJ,
I read your message, and really thought about what you wrote.
I do need to continue on my path that I can only be on alone. If mine and H’s path intersect down the road, well, we will cross that bridge when we come to it.
I wanted to tell you, this weekend was my museum trip. The new Academy Award Museum had previews for members and D and I got tickets and went. Wow! What a place. I got to see costumes, scripts, different movie making techniques and go through some really interesting exhibits. H would have LOVED it.
Instead, D and I loved it and had a very nice evening. I knew I would not be home to feed the dogs, so I asked H if he would be home since D and I had plans. He agreed, and when D and I returned home,the dogs had been fed and he was already asleep.
He did not ask about the museum and we didn’t volunteer anything. He is still aloof and I prefer to just leave him alone, in this case, I needed to make sure he could do what I needed, and I am thankful he did.
The weather here has been Fall like and quite enjoyable, I look forward to doing some things away from the home.
PLC
Hello PLC
The museum sounds pretty cool.
Scoring tickets to go before open day of Sept 30th was special and fortunate. Nice to see you and D enjoying such an experience.
The last week has really brought about a look of fall around here. The leaves are yellow and red, with many trees already bare. I hope it last for a while, I’m not in a rush for winter. Lol
D
Dear PLC,
Thinking about you and wondering how you are doing.
Hope all is OK?
((()))
Eagle
HI Eagle,
Thank you for checking in. Things here are basically the same. Since I was here last, I celebrated my birthday, and the Thanksgiving holiday.
H of course, did not mention the birthday, I celebrated with our D. I had a great time. We had a childhood friend who came into town to visit with D and we three went and had a blast out on the town.
H became distant then a little chatty then distant. D left for a business trip and there were days when I never even saw H. We really are roommates.
One thing, for Thanksgiving, I wanted to go to my parents home since last year we did not see them. THey live very close by. I would cook there. I did not tell H. Thanksgiving morning, I briefly saw him and he did not acknowledge the day. So I did not say anything. When it was time to go, D and I left and didn't say a word. I guess he stayed home all day. Friday I could tell he was mad. HE WAS MAD?! Oh, ok. Not yelling, just really abrupt.
He calmed down and since then we have been more cordial. He is no longer with his second fiancé, and hes been home most of the time.
There are days I just want this over and other days, I remember the man I married and I want to have things work out. I still have hope so I am not done.
I hope things are well with you.
PLC
Merry Christmas PLC
Wishing you all the best.
D
Hi Everyone,
It has been a while, I will need to catch up on situations here.
Well, let’s see, I last posted after Thanksgiving. I reread my post and it is interesting to see my frame of mind back then to now. I honesty think I am running down the clock.
H is still here. He lives in the other bedroom. Sometimes I see him, mostly I do not. In the last few months, his job location is now about a 35-45 minute drive one way. So many days, I go to work and come home and make dinner and clean up the kitchen before he walks in. When he does walk in, he may or may not say hi and then hole up in the bedroom.
His behavior does not make me as sad as before. I have had lots of therapy and I know that I will be ok on my own if that is what ends up happening. If there is OW, I can’t find obvious evidence like I did with the other two. So I do not know what he is doing, and honestly, I just take care of me.Do I want a divorce? No. But, I have slowly come to the realization, that there would need to be so much for a R to happen, I just don’t see how.
An interesting development for me at work, i work for a married couple. They’ve been married appx 30 years. Earlier this year, the husband came into the office (after I had left) and told the wife he was in love with someone and did not want to be married anymore. He told her the gambit of all of the things we can hear with a BD. It was completely out of left field. It affected her horribly. She has always been a little standoffish, but she also is my boss, so part of that may be her authority. I like my job nice enough and I felt bad that this happened. I have still to this day, not told either one of them about my own going now over three years situation. I didn’t because I know if I was having an off day, (before their BD) she would more than likely blame my home life and me being distracted.
After seeing how she was after BD and comparing to how I worked through so much without them knowing, I am Wonder Woman. Any way, the husband called me and talked to me about what happened, and told me he knew it was wrong. I appreciated his candor. I have worked for him long enough to tell him, what he did was wrong, but we need to get through this. I then did not see him in the office, (construction firm) for a few months while he worked away so I could work when the wife was there. during this time, she opened up, cried, and displayed a lot of anguish. I have helped her regain her strength, and listened when i could. She started to become a friend. She began telling me of how he was so rude to her. I believed it. This was my friend. She was wronged. Then as their divorce progressed, ( she immediately filed a week after BD) he needed to work at the office with me on finances. We have discovered over $250K she has taken from the business. She is extremely crafty on what she is doing. They have hired a forensic accountant for the business and now personal finances are being brought in and she is spiraling. I was threatened by her that “ you do not want to get involved, it will be messy”. She has expressed that I have betrayed her because I have worked at the office with him. So I have requested to not work with her anymore. In the last few weeks of trying to be neutral and realize that this situation is horrible for all involved, she has really made it hard to be compassionate. He has not touched one penny, he takes a paycheck and is paying his bills with it. She is taking her paychecks and is still trying to funnel so much through the business, plus the moving around of funds.
I will say, H being a ghost in the house is wayyy better than this strife. It has been three years of limbo and I do not think I felt so anxious then when I have to go to work. For anyone asking why I am still there, I am looking for other employment!
Anyway, that is my update, H is still here, so am I and I am working on a plan for me just in case.
PLC
Yikes - what an awful position to be in at work! Hope you find a new and better job soon.
Dear PLC,
So good to hear from you. Sorry I’m a little late with the reply but things have been quite busy lately.
H is still here. He lives in the other bedroom. Sometimes I see him, mostly I do not. In the last few months, his job location is now about a 35-45 minute drive one way. So many days, I go to work and come home and make dinner and clean up the kitchen before he walks in. When he does walk in, he may or may not say hi and then hole up in the bedroom.
I admire your strength PLC. I don’t think I would be able to still live with my MLC’er after all this time.
How is your D doing?
Any progress with the job?
XXX Eagle
Hi Eagle and Butterfly and KML,
It was nice to hear from you all.
Eagle, thank you for your kind words. I really just look at each day and not ahead, so making it one day at a time is very helpful. To realize that this has been 3 years is staggering. I will say, I am a lot more disconnected and we are truly roommates. We have conversations that are “fluff” (if you are going to the store, can you please pick this up? I need gas in my car, will you please fill it up?) I have learned from prior instances to not attempt for more than he can give. I am not disappointed with that. I am continuing to plan for MY future without him, I have things I need to have in play before that happens and I am ok with that. D27 is currently working abroad. So we are empty nesters until the holidays. I have things to do on my calendar and am looking forward to them.
My look for employment is ongoing, however, I do not think I will see the wife at the workplace anymore. Her husband,( the other boss )and I have discovered so much that she has done to undermine the business, I can’t even have sympathy like I did before. It is really bad and could have put the business in a bad situation. I know that this all began from her husband dropping the bomb, but she has gone off the rails. She told me before all of this happened that it’s no big deal if you get divorced and she promptly got a boyfriend. She had told me how happy she was and I know now, it was what she wanted me to see so I would not notice the theft. She stole an office chair! An office chair! It was an extra one we used when we needed to look at things together. But we are noticing things missing, so I guess anything goes.
Anyway, one day at a time is my new motto and it serves me well.
PLC
Hi PLC,
This is apparently the best evidence to show that people don't always turn out to be the people they pretend to be. How can that woman still look at herself in the mirror, unbelievable. A very unfortunate situation for your boss. On the other hand, this does mean that you don't have to change jobs if I'm right? If the relationship is still good with your boss, your salary is good and you like working there, you don't have to look for anything else I suspect?
I admire the fact that you were able to distance yourself from your H like that. I guess it shouldn't always be easy if you still see him on a regular basis since he is still living at home. Do you not suffer from an anxious feeling or is he not rude to you? Can you talk to anybody in regards to this topic? Like your daughter, a friend or a family member?
Hi Eagle,
Funny you ask about my job. My boss and I had the discussion yesterday regarding my work. I have a job as long as I want one. So that is nice to know that it is my decision. For the most part, I really enjoy my job and I am so close to home, I go home for lunch. So I might change jobs based on my needs, not because of someone (you are right, how can she look at herself) ruins a business. Thankfully, he has put a stop to her liquidation of the funds, which has caused incessant texts from her about how he has wronged her, and how dare he stop her from taking money. (It can be a lot during the day). I feel for him, even though he dropped the bomb on her.
My H and I are ok. Anxiety is fleeting. He is not rude by any means to me. Not verbally. He will leave without saying goodbye, but I am used to it and 9 times out of 10 he usually has just stepped out to get dinner, He is usually home daily by 6 and he takes a shower and goes to bed. He leaves before 4 am so i am alone most of the evening. Weekends, he works and I do my own thing with friends or family. I talk my therapists ear off a lot of why and what I am doing, and it is all part of an exit plan. I just have to be day to day, or it becomes very overwhelming.
Thanks for checking in,
PLC
Just thought I would check in.
Nothing has moved forward with my situation. H is still living in another room. I have shown more independence and I have seen slight reactions from him. My anxiety is truly fleeting where in the beginning (almost 4 years ago) I was constantly anxious.
I have to say IC is the best thing that I have ever done for myself. Between mine and H’s situation and the pending divorce between my employers, it can be a lot and honestly, my H is a dream compared to the legal issues facing my bosses.
I see that a lot of people I used to communicate with are no longer on the board. I hope they know that they helped me a lot.
I know going forward, I will totally be ok. I am still making my plans and H really seems to be in his own MLC limbo. Believe me, I am not checking on him, and when it goes for a long while, he checks in with me on his own.
I do not plan on living like this forever, but with extenuating circumstances with my extended family, including elderly parents, this might be the plan a little longer. This just helps me become stronger with what I want.
Hope you all are well,
PLC
Hello P
I am happy to read your update. You sound excellent! Well grounded, organized, strong, and stable.
Your H is most definitely one of the low energy wallower type of MLCers. Still in his room, and still slowly crawling along. So very different than my high energy explosive XW.
I know going forward, I will totally be ok.
Absolutely!
Do you have any vacation plans for the summer?
I retired a while back so I basically live a vacation now. Still, I might make a trip out to see my sister and her family this summer. And of course some days (and weekends) here and there to visit my kids.
Loved hearing from you. Take care girl.
D
Hi Dnj!
Retired! Good for you. I have heard retirement can be quite busy.
I don’t have any set plans for the Summer, but I am sure it will be fun.
I totally have a low energy wallower H and I truly feel that this is MY house and he just occupies a room.
I want anyone reading this that may be in a long term IHS or just beginning to deal with this weird dynamic that as time marches on, it really does get easier. I have done so much, and grown so much on my own that it is kind of exciting to see what will happen next.
I hope to check in sooner rather than later.
PLC
Good Morning P
Yes, retirement is busy! I’ve no idea how I fit in working at a job before. Lol.
Of course, for most of the time I’m busy doing stuff I want.
D
Hi Everyone,
It has been a long time since I have posted here. I see that there are a few tried and true helpers and I see many more that have joined this MLC LBS club.
For those of you who don’t know my sitch, the basics are- BD May 2019, H leaves to go to another country for work and was gone the whole summer. When he came back, he stayed home and then would leave when work permitted. There have been 2 different OW (both in another country) at this point there is not as far as I can tell. One year after BD, he tells me he wants a divorce. I tell him I don’t and NOTHING HAS PROGRESSED.
Our D28 is grown and is currently home and will be leaving for work overseas. H currently still lives in D28s bedroom. She lives in the living room.
It is definitely not ideal, however, I am getting a plan together and that takes time. H does not go anywhere and I do! I have a life!
DNJ once said I have a teenager living at home and I do. He stays in that room and will not eat with D and I, goes to work, comes home and stays in the room. I talk to him like he is a friend but there are not any conflicts and he really does treat me like this is MY house and he just lives in it.
I think that he thinks this is how it will be forever as he recently bought a new area rug for the room and a new bedspread. I think when I am ready to file he will be shocked.
For those of you new to this journey, being a lighthouse takes time and open yourself to learning about you. I never could have imagined i would be here 4 years later, but I am. Again, not ideal, but it works for me.
Take care-PLC
Good Morning PLC
What a pleasant surprise to see an update from you. You sound grounded, level headed, and well healed. And you shine beautifully, just like a lighthouse. Bright and yet not focused upon H. You just become.
H is certainly wallowing away. It’s not hard to see that his path is steeped in depression. Depression is ever present in a crisis. And their progress is glacially slow.
You’ve reached 100 posts, please do start a new thread.
How was your summer? Mine went by in a seeming flash. Lol.
Have a great day.
D
Hello PLC
DnJ is right, you do sound strong! I am sorry that things have not progressed further with H. Him living in daughter's room does not sound ideal. Ho does she feel about living in the living room? That has to cause some resentment within her. How long do you think you can continue on this way? I am glad that he is at least respecting you with it being your house. It does sound like you are living with a teenager.
You mentioned that he will be surprised when you file. Do you have plans to file? Why do you think he will be surprised?
I hope you are having a great week!