Previous ThreadLet The Negotiations Begin!
Here we go! The time has come for me to reach out, and being negotiations with xh, on taking over the house. (Received conditional Loan Approval) We are both on the title/deed. The decree states we sell & split. However, we both must agree on everything going into the sale. *It is what it is…. I was emotional & signed under duress.*XH sent me an email months ago, in early December asking me what my “plans were”. In simple terms, he stated, “I think selling would be the best option…. unless you can buy me out somehow”. I never did reply to the email. I literally just searched and didn’t see a thing. I’m sure I mentioned something somewhere, in a text.. like we want to stay in the house…but we’ve never REALLY talked.
SO, here we go. Where to start? I start here, with you all of course…lol… I appreciate, and do listen to the opinions of family & friends, but they really don’t understand the MLCer/WAS person that xh has become. Heck, I don’t really know who I’m dealing with either, other than he does not communicate. I’ve said this before, hopefully with the topic of the house as the subject, he’ll take part
Communication with xh: Because this IS a serious matter, that needs attention, I need to get his attention. I need to draw him in to read his email and get the conversation going there, on email.
What to say? “House plans. Let’s discuss. See email.” How’s that for starters? To the point? My loan lady said to get negotiating, get things and writing (I can do this myself) and get him to sign. Easier said than done, when I still have no idea where in the world xh is… but believe he’s probably with ow in the EU. Or they are traveling (insert barf emoji here). ANY way…. Once that’s done, we know where we stand. The rest will get taken care of at closing… (house gets signed over to me/he gets removed from the title & his payment is deposited to him). Oh how I enjoyed listening to my loan walk me through this. EMPOWERING! I AM EXCITED to be at this point! YES EXCITED!!
Okay, so, I throw out the bait for xh. He’s still a duck (THE BIG DUCK) And I’m Elmer J Fudd.. (most of you will get that reference…lol… Once xh takes the bait, then the negotiations really begin.
Debt facts FACTS: There’s a mortgage..in deferral .. until April & a home loan. He’s the borrower on both. Decree says we pay off both, if house sells & I get a larger portion in return because my dad gifted the down payment to get the house (again, nothing in decree about buying the other out.. it is what it is).
My loan lady suggested saying, “I’ve been pre-approved for a loan. I’d like to discuss the house”.
My father: “I’ve been pre-approved for a loan. I’ll assume all debts, the home loan & mortgage, in return, you sign the house over to me”.
My friend, wants to go in gentle and then if needed, come punching and kicking with things like, “This is D4’s home… you ABANDON us. I signed that agreement under duress. We can revisit that. A judge would see that I’m entitled to x,y,z.”…
I see everyone’s point. In the end, it’s up to me. What would you say? I know I’ve asked this before, but this duck is actually getting lined up. Before it was just bobbing in the water..
Ps- I’m also working with a wonderful accountant & I LOVE HER! Great when you speak to someone that gets your situation and wants to see you get what you need.
pss- Talking to a NEW guy online.. just chatting. Great distraction.
psss- I managed to separate the roots from the stump and remove a large portion of the problem. A lot of work still needed to fix things, but that’s all small stuff.
Ok, Can, I'm going to jump in here.
Do not do what your friend suggested. That makes it antagonistic from the get go. Remember, if you start nice in a negotiation, you have a place to go. If you start rude/demanding/or hostile, you have nowhere to go.
I say go with the loan lady suggestion. You start neutral and get a read what he is thinking, if anything. You can always add detail later.
He wants two things presumably:
1. Off the loan;
2. Some cash.
My guess is that he also wants:
3. D4 to have a stable home;
4. Not to feel like a real dirtball to Can.
Therefore, don't go with dad's suggestion. With interest rates, etc., a new loan is the way to go. Forget the old. Don't bring up the past. Look forward, and not back. Likely less guilt for him. Use the debts as negotiation against the payout price.
Then if and when he responds. Ask him what he wants to do before you tell him anything. That's your only chance to potentially hear that. You can always tell what you want or what the concerns are with his approach.
Okay, so, I throw out the bait for xh. He’s still a duck (THE BIG DUCK) And I’m Elmer J Fudd.. (most of you will get that reference…lol… Once xh takes the bait, then the negotiations really begin.
Wabbit season!
My loan lady suggested saying, “I’ve been pre-approved for a loan. I’d like to discuss the house”.
Don't show too much of your hand. Saying you've been pre-approved begs him to ask the question of "for how much".
One thing that worked with my ex-wife on the utility bills for example was pointing out that she had no control over them but was still responsible. She hustled and got her name off of those quickly.
I was pre-approved for probably 60% over what the equity was in the house. But my offer to my ex was for her portion of the equity and then I think about 10% more in case as a spousal payment. I rolled it all into my mortgage and still ended up with a good bit of room. That extra money though was very useful during bargaining as I knew exactly what my limits were.
I've not followed your story CanBird but if it follows the typical pattern your xh will just want to sever ties, not be responsible for any past debts and get what cash he can out of you. Some are nastier and want it all and to leave the behind spouse with nothing but from what I've seen most just want their precious freedom.
I agree with OwnIt 100%. I would follow the suggestions of the loan lady. Do not do what your friend or your father stated because you will end up paying more than is necessary. The debts are bargaining chips only to be brought out during negotiation of the payout price.
Try to keep things neutral and calm. The less you come out swinging the better your chances are of getting what you want or darn near close to what you want.
Good Morning Can
Do not reveal your hand. One of the easiest and hardest things to do in leading and negotiating is let the other person speak first.
Open up a dialog and then be silent. Most people cannot take silence and fill it in. An emotional person will blurt out all kinds of things. Hopefully XH suggests something more or less in line with what you are considering. That would make it “his” idea, from his point of view. MLCers ping pong about quite a bit. Something they feel is from them has a better chance of them sticking to it.
Coming out guns a blazing will have XH dig in. Best to remain calm throughout the entire process.
As Own stated XH presumably wants off the loan and cash. Remember to keep this business and focused on your goal.
I would suggest you tell XH little. Simple and to open the door. Hi XH. Call me, I’d like to discuss the house.
See where he takes this. You know your goals. Work with whatever happens next, to reach them.
D
Why do you have to reveal any of that?
"Hi, H. I decided to get the sale of the property settled now, but as a buy out instead of a third party sale. Do you want to split an appraisal or each get our own and take the average?"
That's all you need to say.
Your agreement says that you split the proceeds. The proceeds are whatever is left after paying off the mortgage and any other debts. In this case, you ask the mortgage company for a pay off letter and just subtract that amount from the appraised value and subtract any other debts you are supposed to cover and pay him half of the result. He doesn't have to know how you are getting that money, that's none of his beeswax. All he has to know is the amount and the date he gets the check.
As far as I know, my H is the only one on these boards dastardly enough to force an LBS with kids to play the market to see if he can get a higher price.
If he says yes to the above, you can have your accountant's take on the capital gains issue and how to structure the buy out to make sure the cost basis is correct. You can also see if you can get a credit for half what a broker would have been paid, at least as a bargaining chip. Get the agreement signed as quickly as possible and say that he will be paid within ninety days of signature so you have time to get your DUCKS in a row. : )
Fridays interview went well. It was via video with 3 panelists. I was the only one with video on; the rest audio only. One of the panelists showed himself at the beginning & end.
I sent a thank you follow up this morning. Minutes after that, they spoke to my Dr/dentist employer, for a reference. The Dr txt me right after the call ....
Just got off phone with him...he said, "wow she sounds great, we are in the final stages of selecting our candidates so this is very good to know." Couldn't get any other info from him, but it sounded super promising, and I told him there wasn't anyone who would be more professional and compassionate than you to work with our veterans. keep me posted.
Wow. I was blown away. I knew he'd have nice things to say., and this really made my day.
That's that ducky situation. Nothing else in the water. Floating around a few thoughts before I got hunting
Oooh, fingers crossed!!!! Sounds promising!
No contact since.....Christmas. This Ducks migration pattern is unknown...okay, enough of the silliness.
I drafted this up as the first... bread crumb. The first few words are critical. I need for his interest to be peaked enough to click and read the full context. In doing so, I will know (within a certain app) that he's actually received and read it. You can't always get that certainty with all msgs. It is what it is. And...here it is:
House Plans: Let's discuss moving forward. Coming to an agreement, where D4 and I remain in the home. Where would you like to start?
Thoughts?
I'll be working on a letter as well, the one he'll sign. I'm putting it out there to the universe. Let's see it through.
House Plans: Let's discuss moving forward. Coming to an agreement, where D4 and I remain in the home. Where would you like to start?
Hmmmm - not sure.
Assuming your ex is typical he would be both lazy and wanting to be in control. I know for me that it helped to present une fait accompli. Given options you can perhaps expect him to bounce around and nothing to be accomplished.
Less is often more otherwise the ducks wander around and make a mess on the lawn. Given that you know him the best would you say that given a clear proposal he would take that and then go off and play with the fairies?
There were some key components to how I got my own deal:
- knowing that she was greedy and wanted both my and OM's money
- knowing that she would never start working on anything hard
- knowing that there was a certain amount of guilt and "not wanting to be the bad guy"
- knowing that she had always relied on me to be the organized one
- knowing that she believed me to be completely honest and trustworthy
- knowing that she didn't want her dirty laundry aired in public or in court
Now - I don't actually "know" if what I "knew" was true or what she actually did believe. For one thing, I believe she wanted out of the house. In the final days she complained about it and I did know that OM had a decent little house already. Turned out she was highly offended by the suggestion that she didn't "need" or "want" the house.
The proposal she accepted with modifications was as a deal where I bought her out of her equity in the house, gave her a lump sum of money and then a fixed amount of spousal support for a fixed period of time. AND a clause that neither party would for any reason re-open the agreement. So she could be with OM and not have me chasing after arguing that she no longer needed spousal support. As my lawyer pointed out to me, people will lie about all sorts of things.
So - she was able to get out of the house, get "her due amount", and never be accountable to me for her past or future actions.
Your own path will of course depend on where your own ducks roam.
I think I would be more direct. You already know you would like to keep the house and buy him out. The only question is at what price, right?
How about : "House Plans: would like to discuss plans to settle our debts and take over the house"
This is a little better than just saying "want to discuss plans to buy you out" because his thoughts will automatically go to "I get half". By mentioning the debts as well as taking over the house, that leaves the final financial outcome a little more nebulous. Are there other negotiable financial issues, like, say, giving up an interest in his pension or retirement savings in return for equity in the house? You've already mentioned the debts and I believe money you put into the house purchase originally? It would be good to do the math on all of that and have it handy to discuss (MLCers are notoriously bad at math).
For instance - if the house is worth $600k, has a mortgage with a $400k balance, and a second mortgage or other joint debt like credit card debt of $100k, there's really only $100k of equity left. IF the house was sold, 6% realtors fees would eat up $36k of that leaving just $64k equity to split, giving him $32k. IF you refi the house and roll the $100k of other debt into the mortgage, taking on that debt, and offer him $30k, that would be a fair deal. If he has retirement money that you are entitled to part of, for instance, if he put $60k into a 401 k while you were married and you did not have any retirement savings, then you could argue that half of that $60 k should be yours, so you will let him keep his retirement money and you keep the house, even steven. On the other hand, if he has a valuable pension, you need to ask your attorney what the QDRO value if your part would be.
Anther way to look at it, if you would have to pay him $30k for his half the house equity, but he would owe you spousal support of say $1k/mo for 2 years, you could bargain away the spousal support for the house equity.
I suggest you have a very clear idea of the outcome you are shooting for before you discuss with him, and offer him a little less than what you are willing to settle for, to give him some wiggle room.
i'm quite disappointed there are no literal ducks ...
otherwise, carry on and good luck. you're getting great advice.
I still don't understand why you don't just tell him you want to settle the house but you will be the buyer. Why are you being so tentative? It's your house too, and you already have an agreement about what happens when you sell it.
Hi, H -- I'm ready to settle the house, but with me buying out instead of a third party sale. I want to keep the status quo for D. I found a good appraiser; let me know if you want to get your own appraisal done and take the average, or if the one I found is enough. Once we have an appraised value, we can calculate the equity after debts and closing costs. Thanks.
There is no point in leaving things in his court. Use the agreement you already have and follow it, no grey areas, no tentative fears. He is not your king. He's just a guy who owns half your house and half your debts, and you have to make a deal to own it all.
CanBird,
You have so much good advice on your thread! I just want to say I'm so happy things are all working out and second/third/fourth the recommendation to be direct.
This especially:
There is no point in leaving things in his court. Use the agreement you already have and follow it, no grey areas, no tentative fears. He is not your king. He's just a guy who owns half your house and half your debts, and you have to make a deal to own it all.
YES. You got this. Just like you have taken care of everything else like a boss. The arecas, the job, the house. Imua!
What was the home loan for? If it all went into the house, then great. If it was used for other things, then you should reduce his share of the equity by half of the home equity loan.
I still don't understand why you don't just tell him you want to settle the house but you will be the buyer. Why are you being so tentative? It's your house too, and you already have an agreement about what happens when you sell it.
Hi, H -- I'm ready to settle the house, but with me buying out instead of a third party sale. I want to keep the status quo for D. I found a good appraiser; let me know if you want to get your own appraisal done and take the average, or if the one I found is enough. Once we have an appraised value, we can calculate the equity after debts and closing costs. Thanks.
There is no point in leaving things in his court. Use the agreement you already have and follow it, no grey areas, no tentative fears. He is not your king. He's just a guy who owns half your house and half your debts, and you have to make a deal to own it all.
Gerda, thank you for this. The more I read it, the more sense it made. Sometimes I just need to look at things from a different perspective. This is just the view I needed to see things from.
On a side note, I do lack confidence sometimes, I admit that. It's a personal mental battle I live with (ADHD). I don't think like everyone else. Sometimes I don't understand things right away, especially when I'm stressed. I might need to take extra time in reviewing something, so things actually sink in and actually make sense. And then I can figure things out.
I don't take any medication, I have in the past. Maybe it's time to reconsider that.
Thanks again for your advice. I really do appreciate it.
Thank you all for the advice. I'll be using bits in pieces from each of you as I prepare my words.
Below some highlights that made me smile, and gave me encouragement.
OwnIt, “Forget the old. Don't bring up the past. Look forward, and not back.”
AndrewP- “Don’t show too much of your hand” Less is often more otherwise the ducks wander around and make a mess on the lawn. Given that you know him the best would you say that given a clear proposal he would take that and then go off and play with the fairies? Your own path will of course depend on where your own ducks roam.
job- “Try to keep things neutral and calm. The less you come out swinging the better your chances are of getting what you want or darn near close to what you want”.
DnJ- Open up a dialog and then be silent. Hopefully XH suggests something more or less in line with what you are considering. That would make it “his” idea, from his point of view. Remember to keep this business and focused on your goal. I would suggest you tell XH little. Simple and to open the door. See where he takes this. You know your goals. Work with whatever happens next, to reach them.
Kml: I suggest you have a very clear idea of the outcome you are shooting for before you discuss with him, and offer him a little less than what you are willing to settle for, to give him some wiggle room.
Bttrfly-i'm quite disappointed there are no literal ducks ...otherwise, carry on and good luck. you're getting great advice.
may22-YES. You got this. Just like you have taken care of everything else like a boss. The arecas, the job, the house. Imua!
Gerda- … There is no point in leaving things in his court. Use the agreement you already have and follow it, no grey areas, no tentative fears. He is not your king. He's just a guy who owns half your house and half your debts, and you have to make a deal to own it all.
I appreciate you all. ((( hugs)))
Can, remember if you don't ask for what you want, you don't give people a chance to give it to you. I do think you should let him know you want to buy the house and if it comes up that you have a preapproval. In your situation, he would probably think you couldn't qualify to buy him out and you waste a go-around on that. Of course don't disclose the amount. You are of modest means and have a child to support. Even if you get the new job, you have little recent job history. This guy should not be thinking he hit the jackpot. He should be thinking how much do I need to make sure my kid has a nice home.
"00 you raised the issue of selling the house and after thinking through the options and the cost of housing, I'd like to buy you out to make sure D has stability and a nice home. Please let me know what you think would be fair."
Again, you don't have to agree with him. But if he lowballs himself, as some have, then that is best for D and it could be a quick discussion. If he doesn't you have time for all the appraisal talk, negotiations, etc.
I know he hasn't acted like your H for a long time, but somewhere in there is a person who loved you, married you, had a child with you, and likely wants you to do well and be safe. In my worst days with OD, I've always believed that he does want me to be safe, to have a good home, to be able to offer refuge to my children when they need it. I still have faith that in the end, he will be kind even if the road to get there is twisted and rutty and tough. Hope is the thing with feathers. Don't borrow trouble and assume the worst.
Thank you OwnIt. So true. "if you don't ask for what you want, you don't give people a chance to give it to you".
The road sure is twisted and rutty and tough, that's for sure.
"Hope is the thing with feathers. Don't borrow trouble and assume the worst."
Amen.
((hugs)))
If your following along... you know the story. *I've left out the actual numbers and just put (0) zeros* I do have amounts figured out. Did the math.
House Plans: Would like to discuss plans to settle our debts, and take over the house. After thinking through the options and the cost of housing, I'd like to make sure D4 has stability and is able to stay in the only home she’s ever known.
I’ve gotten conditional loan approval to payoff:
• Mortgage and all past due payments & interest
• Home Loan
Looking at the numbers, If we were to sell the house, pay off all debts, and subtract my $.00000..., in addition to:
• Realtor fees (6%)
• Closing costs ($20,000 +)
• Repairs & Miscellaneous needed to sell
Proceeds from the sale, after all that, would be split. Estimated at approximately $00,000-$00,000 each.
Based on this information, and my desire to keep D4 in her home, I would like to take over the mortgage, and pay off the debts, so we can have a clean split, and can both move forward. After everything that has happened, I would really appreciate your help in making this go as smoothly as possible for all our sakes.
Okay.... I appreciate honesty, that's why I come here. Constructive criticism is very welcome.
I like it. Clear, explicit, not asking for input or rejecting it.
The emphasis is on what is best for D4 which should be the common goal and one that you are taking the responsibility for - all he has to do is go along and then feel like a hero.
I agree w/Andrew. It's clear and to the point. You have put the emphasis on your little girl and that is where his focus should be at the moment, i.e., making sure his little girl has a home and stability since he's rocked her world.
I think it's really good, Can! I'd just cut out any words you don't need. MLCers have no attention span.
I know he hasn't acted like your H for a long time, but somewhere in there is a person who loved you, married you, had a child with you, and likely wants you to do well and be safe. In my worst days with OD, I've always believed that he does want me to be safe, to have a good home, to be able to offer refuge to my children when they need it. I still have faith that in the end, he will be kind even if the road to get there is twisted and rutty and tough.
I believed this about my H and it crippled my ability to get what I needed. I agree with Own in theory and want to encounter everyone in the world that way but I think it's dangerous to believe the MLCer will ever do the right thing. I think it's good to phrase it like that in case you need it in court later. But don't believe it will work. You also have to be ready with what you are willing to give up (what money you are willing to lose) if he doesn't want you to do well and be safe. I think my H wants me to suffer and then die. And I say that as a Christian woman who does my best to not judge him and leave that to God. And maybe he'd even cry on my grave and see everything clearly afterwards. But that agenda is what motivates my H's actions now. I just think it's important to be very clear about who they are so that we can protect ourselves and our kids as we negotiate.
Here's my edit to cut out words you don't need --
House Plans: Would like to discuss plans to settle our debts and take over the house. After thinking through the options and the cost of housing, I need to make sure D4 has the stability of the only home she’s ever known.
A sale of the house as per our agreement --
Sale price - debts - Realtor fees (6%) - Closing costs ($20,000 +) - Repairs & Miscellaneous needed to sell = X equity
1/2 equity = X, each of our share of equity
I'd receive a credit against your share for (if you are owed credits on your contributions to mortgage or whatever).
I have secured financing to take over the mortgage and pay off the debts.
I look forward to a clean split so we can both move forward and am sure we can cooperate so this goes smoothly as possible for all our sakes.
FWIW, I agree wholeheartedly with Gerda. My X still says ILY, but in the D and property settlement, he would have been fine giving me wayyyy less than I was entitled to. With MLC the person you knew is gone, so with that, short and focused on the facts and D4.
"You also have to be ready with what you are willing to give up (what money you are willing to lose) if he doesn't want you to do well and be safe." THIS. The bottom line of what you will be able to live with.
I used the verse from the bible, but I think even non-believers could follow "wise as a serpent, innocent as doves".
Protect yourself and D4. Stay strong and like we say here a lot - it's a business transaction. Keep all emotion out of it.
You can do this!
Thank you friends. I'm outside, just finished reading all your comments and D4 is literally putting 6 little duckies in a row, that a friend dropped off in our pool today while we were out.
I love signs from the universe.
The universe is speaking.
J: I've never had IC during this. Never to late right? Do I need it? Sometimes I think so, and other times I feel okay just speaking with a friend IRL, or expressing myself here.
Today I sent XH an email. (If you're following along, you know what email I'm talking about). It was SO hard for me to press send. Once again, I found my fight-or-flight mode go into overdrive. Thank goodness, I had a dear friend talk me through it. Literally. She encourage me through the whole process that took less than 5 minutes. She asked why it was so hard for me?
Good question. As usual with xh, I'm afraid of the unknown, and my brain associates unknowns with xh as fear, stress. As I type this, I know this is a conversation that has to happen, and xh knows this too. Why hasn't he been after me to settle anything? Because he doesn't want to do any heavy lifting? I'm assuming so. Let it be, and we'll see.
I need to LET GO and just let things happen as they will. Things can't go on as they are, and XH isn't doing anything. As I type this I'm feeling better about myself. Feeling stronger for taking charge of the situation. All I can do is ask for what I want. I forget which one of you here said that before, asking for what we want, and not being afraid. We'll never know if we don't ask, right?
PHEW..... exhale..... my heart is still racing a little. Maybe it was the second cup of coffee I had ...lol...
I hope all of you are well. And again, I appreciate everyone of you for the continued support shared.
ps- I have a tentative coffee date with bachelor #2. Stay Tuned!
Had a coffee date with Bach 2 on Saturday, and we've already made plans for a 2nd date.
More details on that under the Forum, Surviving The D
Other than that, nothing new to report. Not surprised XH hasn't replied to my email or msg. It's almost been a week. He is leaving me no choice but to call his phone, and do a follow up via email and msg. I can't believe he's still doing this ghosting act. What have I done to him? Nothing. So not fair. I know, it could be much worse, so I'm thankful that it isn't a worse situation and my heart goes out to those really struggling with their own situation.
So like last time, when I urgently needed to get in contact with him, I ended up calling his cell phone, it went straight to vm and I left a msg telling him what I needed. This time? Tell him I need him to read his email and reply to it?
I need to know what his plans are. I literally feel like I should cut and paste his words about this very subject.
So frustrating.
I've come SO far; this far. I am NOT going to take what's been handed to me. I am FIGHTING for what I DESERVE.
The only thing I can do is TRY. If I don't try, then I will never know if I will succeed. Success comes with trying.
CanBird
A week has pased since I sent XH my email, outlining what I want to happen with our house. It was pretty darn clear. Today I sent my follow up communications. Here is his response:
XH: "Received your email. Not really sure what you mean. The details are too vague. I also invested in the house with years of going to sea. Not sure what to do right now. I miss D4 and also will need to have a place to spend time with her".
I'm glad he finally replied. I can't believe he thinks it was vague; not sure what I meant? Guess I should of used ALL CAPS for the statement "TAKE OVER THE HOUSE".
Unreal, but it could have been worse. At least he's using his words.
XH: "I also invested in the house with years of going to sea". Yes, you did. You chose that job, that company, that schedule, and I took care of the home, the yard, the pool, the rental property, made sure bills where paid on time. I was the homemaker, and raised our daughter BY MYSELF since her birth, while you were at sea for half the year, and then YOU had an affair BEFORE you went to sea, DURING your time at sea, and AFTER. Who knows went it all started or how much you spent to go to another country.
Xh: "Not sure what to do right now". Huh? Think man! Yes or no.
Xh: "I miss D4..." Funny. He hasn't reached out since Dec 25th.
Xh: "and also will need to have a place to spend time with her". Not my problem. You broke it, you fix it.
I need to give this a break so I don't respond reactively.
Good Morning Can
Very wise to put in a pause and not respond reactively. I always found it good advice to wait 24 or 48 hours before responding or making a major decision; gives all one’s viewpoints time to consider and weight in (feelings, thoughts, beliefs).
XH: "Received your email. Not really sure what you mean. The details are too vague. I also invested in the house with years of going to sea. Not sure what to do right now. I miss D4 and also will need to have a place to spend time with her".
This is good. He is conversing. A good start.
XH is also purposefully missing the point and pretending things are too vague. Remember he is emotionally stunted and make believe is actually quite a part of his fantasy life and narrative. Your position does not fit and he will attempt to dismiss or ignore it. If this was early during the process, XH might not converse about it, however, currently he is, so a good start.
This house stuff is business. What specifically do you want/need from XH to proceed? I suspect there are a few categories. The amicable type agreement would be nice - that is a want. What do you need to proceed? Perhaps very little is needed, although that path may be more difficult.
Keep it business. Yes, XH’s invested during his years at sea. That investment is addressed in the splitting of the house debt and/or proceeds. His need of a place to stay is his problem. His want of using the home while visiting D4 is your problem. You don’t solve his problems; he made his mess. You do solve things that are impacting you.
So, ramp up the clarity. Tell him to call you and you will provide clearer details and instructions. This works towards your wanted path of a more amicable solution. With that, in the background, seek out a lawyer and find a path forward to achieve your needed solution, if/when XH starts to balk or drag his feet. You control the things you can control.
Keep it all business. You are just buying out XH from the house. His life and choices are on him.
I suspect with dipping into the dating pool you are not feeling so easily swayed and dragged around by XH anymore. Good.
If he actually calls you, be clear and stick to the points of what you want him to do. Have it written out and at the ready so you can keep control of the conversation. Email communication needs to be equally clear and direct. These follow up emails are more instructing (less suggesting) to him as to his required actions.
Hopefully, XH is willing. Stick to your path and hold your ground. If he decides to takes this matter even further sideways, start down the more legally enforceable path to achieve the outcome.
Have a great day.
D
Yep - that's going to require some chewing.
My two pennies.
Soon to be x left the home and all his financial support went along with him. Two years after he is leaving to his country, still doesn’t want to sign the divorce, I’m not in a rush due to the fact that I was a housewife (no income ) I’m working to have the income taxes I need to get the house.
Once that is done I will show him all the cards, he will have to give up the house or split the rest ( retirement, alimony blah blah) legally he is responsible for all the expenses after 28 years of having a housewife.
Keep it really simple. "According to my attorney, the house is community property, to be split 50:50 minus what I put in for the down payment. This is standard. The current value of the house is approx. X, it would cost Y to sell it, so if we sold, your half of: X minus my down payment minus selling costs divided by 2 is Z. I'm willing to pay you Z for your share and take over the house to provide D with a stable place to live."
As for where to stay when you visit D, I have located these inexpensive AirBnBs nearby, here's the list: Now that we are divorced I don't think it would be appropriate to have you staying in the house with me as that would be too confusing for D. I'm sure your girlfriend would also not be comfortable with you staying here with me.
Now - be aware - it's NOT standard to split the house cost that way, they usually do NOT take the selling costs into account if one spouse is keeping it, they just split the current equity. This is totally unfair to the spouse who is keeping the house but an attorney might advise him so. So the more straightforwardly you present it, the better the chance that he might bite and accept your math.
Also - sounds a bit like he is having a "moment" where he might be having a temporary regret. DO NOT BITE. He's just having a bad day with OW or a moment of reality hitting him in the face.
(Btw, no need right now to mention that any man YOU might be dating would be uncomfortable with your ex staying with you as well. Crazy as it seems, they don't want us but they really don't want anyone else to have us either, and if he thought you were dating he might try to jam up the process of being bought out of the house).
Can, take a step way back. Here's what I hear him saying, "I don't have any details." And he doesn't. The point of your communication was not to present an offer, but to open a door to a discussion in which you wanted to hear his point of view. Don't fall into the trap of assuming he's challenging you. You know you were never intending to have him give you all the equity (but he doesn't yet know that). You know it doesn't make sense for him to think he can come play daddy in the house on visits but apparently he has not figured that out (in the call if he brings it up you just say how do you see that working, you know I have to rent out the rental to be able to afford the mortgage, and then tell him you have to give it some thought to whatever he says--no need to commit to anything in the moment). This is just the first time he is faced with the not fun consequences of his choices and a little panic has set in. But don't take this to a bad place by responding to things he has not raised or being defensive. And you need to remind him that he started this discussion by saying the house had to be sold.
"Hey 00, thanks for responding. Yes, I didn't mention details because there aren't any yet. I'm just trying to set up a call to discuss the house since you brought it up in your email on ___________ and letting you know that I would like to find a way to buy out your interest so D4 and I can stay here. Of course I would like for us both to share our points of view and concerns and reach a resolution that would work for all of us."
Thank you all for your comments.
"Received your email. Not really sure what you mean. The details are too vague. I also invested in the house with years of going to sea. Not sure what to do right now. I miss D4 and also will need to have a place to spend time with her".
Have not responded to xh yet, or consulted with a lawyer, just shared with you all and a trusted friend.
What I do know is, the email I sent was pretty clear outlining I wanted to take over the house (buy him out), I put down the facts (if we were to sell house-minus x-debts,y-costs to sell & repairs if needed we'd end up with = z. take away my investment and we split the rest 50/50). It's what's outlined in our decree; but with me being the buyer.
Not sure what xh means by "the details are too vague", but that's how he sees it. He probably hasn't looked at out decree since he signed it almost a year ago. At least he's replied, and the door to discussion is open.
xh: "Not sure what to do right now". Okay, at least you've given a reply. You need time to think.
xh: "I miss D4..." Nice to hear, I don't doubt that he does. But actions speak louder than words. Do I need to remind him that he can contact her anytime? Maybe... although I have done it many times in the past. Maybe, just to show my side as open and willing to cooperate.
xh; "...and also will need to have a place to spend time with her". Honestly, I don't feel like it's up to me to find a place for xh. He has a 6 figure income, so money SHOULD not be a problem. If he was able to carry on an affair with someone from another country, "while at sea", without me knowing, he can figure out accommodations.
I think xh might be hoping that D4 & I would move to his home state, where most of his family is. That way, he doesn't have to find a place, because he'll just crash with family. That may have been a thought in the beginning, but that is not the case now. I've already stated that we want to stay where we are, in the only home D4 has ever known. And she starts school in the fall. I don't want to disrupt that. AND COVID! Not the best time to move to another state that has HIGH numbers. Just saying... Perhaps in the future this might happen, but not right now. I wouldn't say that to xh.
Right now I think it is best for D4 and I to stay where we are in this house and with his cooperation, it can happen.
I don't want to disrupt her life or mine anymore than it has been. We've been living this life ALL her life, and it has suited us all fine, (including xh, until it didn't).
Any way. As you can probably tell, I'm still emotional, and not ready to reply. Obviously, I will not say any of the above, as I was mostly venting. But here's the thing, do I GO for it with MORE a more detailed explanation, or start off with a few more crumbs?
"Received your email. Not really sure what you mean. The details are too vague. I also invested in the house with years of going to sea. Not sure what to do right now. I miss D4 and also will need to have a place to spend time with her".
ie: Hi xh, thank you for your reply. I understand that you are not sure what to do right now, and if I can address what is unclear, or vague I'd be a happy to answer any questions you might have to help us move forward with things.
As always, know that you can contact D4 any time. Just reach out and we'll figure something out. You're her dad, I will always cooperate with you on making sure you can connect with her. I'm always going to work with you when it comes to D4.
Be Well, Be Safe
CanBird
Thoughts? Of course I will have a business plan/letter/proposal ready to go too. Just thought I should feed the duck while his head is above water.
Not sure what xh means by "the details are too vague", but that's how he sees it. He probably hasn't looked at out decree since he signed it almost a year ago. At least he's replied, and the door to discussion is open.
It may mean that it doesn't match up with some sort of vague ideas he had in his head about how nothing will really change as far as what he left behind and he's confused that you are saying things that don't fit into his world view. Kinda like he's only hearing "quack quack quack" (Loving the ducks by the way)
xh: "I miss D4..." Nice to hear, I don't doubt that he does. But actions speak louder than words. Do I need to remind him that he can contact her anytime? Maybe... although I have done it many times in the past. Maybe, just to show my side as open and willing to cooperate.
Not your duck. That's his duck.
I think xh might be hoping that D4 & I would move to his home state, where most of his family is. That way, he doesn't have to find a place, because he'll just crash with family.
You can guess what he's hoping for but unless that helps you with your negotiating position, it's not a duck you need to worry about.
Right now I think it is best for D4 and I to stay where we are in this house and with his cooperation, it can happen.
Remember - YOU are the sane parent and are the responsible parent until he can prove on his own that he could also be sane and / or responsible. Depending on what is in your decree about child-care and decision making, it may be just your duck.
ie: Hi xh, thank you for your reply. I understand that you are not sure what to do right now, and if I can address what is unclear, or vague I'd be a happy to answer any questions you might have to help us move forward with things.
As always, know that you can contact D4 any time. Just reach out and we'll figure something out. You're her dad, I will always cooperate with you on making sure you can connect with her. I'm always going to work with you when it comes to D4.
Be Well, Be Safe
CanBird
Instead try:
Hi XH, thank you for your reply. I'm not sure what is confusing you, the math is as I laid out and that is consistent with our divorce decree, just in this case I am the buyer. You get the same amount whether it is sold to a stranger or I buy you out. Please let me know when we can get going on this as I want to get my future settled.
As always, know that you can contact D4 any time. Just reach out and we'll figure something out. You're her dad, I will always cooperate with you on making sure you can connect with her. I'm always going to work with you when it comes to D4.
Be Well, Be Safe
CanBird
I like your second part about D4. You can address the issue of him not staying with you if he ever actually makes plans to visit I guess.
And I agree that he's probably not really absorbing the math, because in his mind he thought he would get more, or he resents the idea of you keeping the home while he doesn't have it, or he just thought you would stay put as his Plan B in case OW doesn't work out and now he's uncomfortable at the idea that option to go back to his old life is no longer there.
Not sure what xh means by "the details are too vague", but that's how he sees it. He probably hasn't looked at out decree since he signed it almost a year ago. At least he's replied, and the door to discussion is open.
It may mean that it doesn't match up with some sort of vague ideas he had in his head about how nothing will really change as far as what he left behind and he's confused that you are saying things that don't fit into his world view. Kinda like he's only hearing "quack quack quack" (Loving the ducks by the way)
xh: "I miss D4..." Nice to hear, I don't doubt that he does. But actions speak louder than words. Do I need to remind him that he can contact her anytime? Maybe... although I have done it many times in the past. Maybe, just to show my side as open and willing to cooperate.
Not your duck. That's his duck.
I think xh might be hoping that D4 & I would move to his home state, where most of his family is. That way, he doesn't have to find a place, because he'll just crash with family.
You can guess what he's hoping for but unless that helps you with your negotiating position, it's not a duck you need to worry about.
Right now I think it is best for D4 and I to stay where we are in this house and with his cooperation, it can happen.
Remember - YOU are the sane parent and are the responsible parent until he can prove on his own that he could also be sane and / or responsible. Depending on what is in your decree about child-care and decision making, it may be just your duck.
Hi AndrewP, I'm glad you're enjoying the ducks... I can't help myself
Laughter is the only way I've been able to get through any tough times. Always trying to find the brighter side.
Thank you for your comments. It really helps me understand/see things from his prospective as a MLC/WAS. aka One Confused Duck (OCD..HA!... ..)
And yes, XH has his own should figure out his own ducking way to communicate with his daughter. Legally I am the more of the decision maker with D4 & child-care. She's with me all the time. (Soul & physically). We have joint legal. His communicating with D4 (or anyone else for that matter) was never an issue like it is now, before we were divorced and he was away for 6 months at a time. (He's done this work since 2015) Guess reception on Mars isn't that great. Actually, D4 often says he's in "Neverland". I did not plant that duck in her head. Although, she is witty like mom; genetically guilty as charge then.
End note, your comments made me smile. I am the sane one.
ie: Hi xh, thank you for your reply. I understand that you are not sure what to do right now, and if I can address what is unclear, or vague I'd be a happy to answer any questions you might have to help us move forward with things.
As always, know that you can contact D4 any time. Just reach out and we'll figure something out. You're her dad, I will always cooperate with you on making sure you can connect with her. I'm always going to work with you when it comes to D4.
Be Well, Be Safe
CanBird
Instead try:
Hi XH, thank you for your reply. I'm not sure what is confusing you, the math is as I laid out and that is consistent with our divorce decree, just in this case I am the buyer. You get the same amount whether it is sold to a stranger or I buy you out. Please let me know when we can get going on this as I want to get my future settled.
As always, know that you can contact D4 any time. Just reach out and we'll figure something out. You're her dad, I will always cooperate with you on making sure you can connect with her. I'm always going to work with you when it comes to D4.
Be Well, Be Safe
CanBi
I like your second part about D4. You can address the issue of him not staying with you if he ever actually makes plans to visit I guess.
And I agree that he's probably not really absorbing the math, because in his mind he thought he would get more, or he resents the idea of you keeping the home while he doesn't have it, or he just thought you would stay put as his Plan B in case OW doesn't work out and now he's uncomfortable at the idea that option to go back to his old life is no longer there.
Hi kml, I like what you added. And as I read it, it reminds me of how xh use to communicate. I really like it!
I think starting off with bread crumbs, is the best. I don't want to overwhelm this duck too much, or he'll fly away. Agreed he's not absorbing the email as a whole. And he's the one who suggested it twice that I buy the house. (I have the text messages to prove it). He walked away from the home, showed zero interest in keeping it ever. I will never be his plan B. That is not ducky with me. No way. I don't know what he's thinking, as most of us LBS don't.
Thanks kml for you input.
it's gold baby! gold!
Any last thoughts before I feed the BIG Bird? Just starting with crackers, of course. I don't want him to get full.
Hi 00/xh thank you for your reply.
I want to take over the house.
I’ve gotten a conditional loan approval & was also approved for an additional $00,000. I would like to offer that to you, to sign the title over to me.
The payment would be released to you upon the close of escrow. Of course, you will need to sign off on the title before it goes into escrow.
The agreement for payment will be included in the escrow documents & will automatically be paid to you upon closing.
In addition, your outstanding mortgage balance (including forbearance & all past due interest), and the outstanding balance of the HELOC loan, will all be automatically paid off upon closing of escrow.
I’m also willing to wave X & Y.
I think my offer is far, especially under the circumstances.
Some of your email, in regards to D4 was confusing to me. It’s important to me that you know, that I will never keep Riley from you and that I will always support you and her having a happy health relationship. You’re her father and play an extremely important role in her life.
Statics say that girls that have healthy relationships with their fathers have higher self-esteem tend to make better choices, and learn how to have healthy relationships with men.
It has been 2 months since D4 has heard from you, & I know that she misses you too. Please feel free to communicate with me to set up a time to talk to her. I know she would love to hear from you. I only want what’s best for our daughter, and I believe in my heart that you want that too. That is why I am trying so hard to make this all work, to keep her in her home.
Let’s set aside our differences & hurts & do what’s best for our daughter.
I appreciate you communicating with me, and hope we can make this all work.
Canbird
Thoughts?
hi CB,
I'm not 100% sure it is the right move to combine so much about your D and her R with her dad with the house situation convo. Even as I read it I got totally pulled into the concern about your D and if I were your ex, I might feel defensive about some of the things you're saying. Of course it is all true and totally fair for you to say that, but I wonder if it detracts from your primary goal right now, which is securing the house.
I might just stick 100% to the house stuff and then maybe offer a time for him to video chat with your D? Maybe the D part (right now, until you get the house sitch nailed down) is more like "Re D4, I know she'd love to talk to you!! Are you available at all this weekend? Let me know a good time and she'll be ready!" Or something just positive and bland. I think the other stuff about the importance of his R with her could backfire and make him defensive and not super interested in giving you what you want with the house, since it seems there is this weird reluctance to let it go.
You're doing so well and thank you for sharing your dating adventures! I love following along!
Aloha,
May
Hello Can
The house is a business deal, keep it as such.
XH is an emotional mess. A man who left his wife and daughter. Appealing to his morals, loyalty, heartstrings, and such is likely to push him further away. Which is the opposite of what you need to get this business matter resolve.
Yes, what you said is true. Girls with a healthy relationship with their Dad will be more self confident and have higher self esteem. The relationship XH current puts forth is not that. And he knows it. Your message will be a huge pile of pressure to him, and that scared little squirrel will bolt.
Stick to the business details. Sans emotional tugging (mostly). MLCer’s emotions are already cranked to eleven; they cannot handle any more or any one else’s.
D
Journaling: Just wanted to pop by and say hello. D4 and I are well. *Not effected by any floods* Continuing carry on and take care of business as it comes. No changes. In fact, I'm still on xh medical....lol... (I do have my own coverage, so I'm fine).
Actually, one thing did change, I had to get my own Prime account. All of a sudden this past week, all of the Amazon Prime devices in the house (4 in total) stopped working. It took me 3 hours on the phone to get up & running. $14 /month for entertainment. I can handle that.
Time is ticking away here, and although I have a lot of sleepless nights, I'm strong. Yes, I'm tooting my own horn there... and I do get told by friends what a great job I'm doing. Auto pilot mode: feels like I've been driving in this gear for 2 yrs.
My 2 yr BD anniversaries have past... the signing of the D anniversary was yesterday. I had my annual physical. WHOOHOO! Way to celebrate. ..lol.. next week my annual mammo.. aka "Taking the girls out".
That's all for now.
Hope everyone is well.
Hi Can, good to see you back. Any word on the house developments? Have you started the new job? How is that going? Has 00 contacted D4 at all?
Lots of excitement in your post. Happy that you are looking forward to what life and friends are bringing your way. Hope Mr. Too Cute also turns out to be Mr. Too Nice. Wouldn't that be a great thing?
Good Morning Can
Time is ticking away here, and although I have a lot of sleepless nights, I'm strong. Yes, I'm tooting my own horn there... and I do get told by friends what a great job I'm doing. Auto pilot mode: feels like I've been driving in this gear for 2 yrs.
You are doing a great job. And you should be proud of that.
“Time is ticking away”; “auto pilot mode” - Welcome to limbo.
I am strong but.....
Don’t worry. You are in a good gear, and on a good heading. And the road is not as long as it current feels (or lack of feels most likely).
Auto pilot gets a bad rap I find. There are a few models of auto pilot in our lives and I’d like to touch upon a good one.
Once one has strengthened, crafted, and altered their beliefs and values to those which serve and provide positive affirmation of self, one find their auto pilot. Here one lives their convictions. Their feelings, thoughts, and values; and yes actions; all in similar direction/heading and at similar position of life’s path.
Beliefs influence everything. When one’s beliefs are what and where they want them to be - it feels right, and almost less, in a weird kind of way. Thoughts are similarly affected. This lessening is from the calm and peace of their inner self. A profound quieting of one’s ego, inner pressures, and external forces happens. Living your beliefs “feels” like auto pilot. It seems to “think” like auto pilot. As in “I don’t have to exert much effort to remain on course”. This is usually a foreign place to most of us, at first. Nothing in life has been like that, until then.
Embracing limbo. Seriously embracing it, choosing it, doing the soul searching to find one’s core self, and choosing to live to honour thy self - auto pilot becomes. One’s path becomes almost effortless, it self reinforces and renews with each day.
Beliefs reside within our subconscious self. Once our feelings calm, which also reside within that realm, it seems effortless because one’s life’s headings come from their subconscious more than a conscious-direct effort to focus upon one’s self; hence the effortless “feeling” of auto pilot. Auto pilot, in the very best sense.
Have a great day.
D
J: After 3 wks, xh responded to my 2nd email regarding my plans/offer of taking over the house. (This response is only after I sent a follow up email).
Last night I woke up just after 2am to find his reply, and was once again dumbfounded by his response. And I have to remind myself that he's not in his right mind. He's clearly playing a game with me called, "I don't understand".
I'm sure you've all got a story. We present the details to our x, as clear as day, as if we are speaking to a 6yr old, and we are so sure that the details are simple to understand. And. They. Don't. Get. It. OR more than likely are choosing to play a game. Thoughts on this? SO frustrating. BUT, I am thankful to the heavens above that this Big Duck is quacking.
Xh asks what he wants (ie.. "Did you get my W2?" ...) and doesn't answer the questions presented.
Since Oct 2020, when our D was finalized, I have sent xhs mail to his mother's house, in a different state, as agreed. WHY is he asking me about his mail. I get that it's important, but GEEZ man! If he had asked me to alert him, I would have. It's crazy how our xs become these people we are so not familiar with.
I continue to shake my head in disappointment that he hasn't reached out to D4. It's almost been 3 months since he video chatted with her. Last time he saw her in person was April 2020. (He worked out of state 6 months) As always, even before D, I have followed D4's lead and helped her reach out when she wants to, to any family member (Although, on special occasions, I may encourage her to reach out a little more). Thank goodness, she is use to her dad being away working, and now it's because he doesn't live here. Really, not much has changed, but it still is disappointing. And that's something he will live with.
VENT session over... stay tuned. It's still duck season!!
ps- Location of xh is still not confirmed. But really, I don't care where he is. I just want my house.
Xh asks what he wants (ie.. "Did you get my W2?" ...) and doesn't answer the questions presented.
Oh I can so relate. I actually wondered for a while if my ex was getting dementia. I'd send him an email, and he would respond weeks later answering only one of three things, or forgetting what he had already said on the subject,as if we had never had the previous conversation. You have to really pin them down, their brains are like sieves.
I have to remind myself that he's not in his right mind. He's clearly playing a game with me called, "I don't understand".
I actually wondered for a while if my ex was getting dementia.
Wow--I hope I never have a mid-life crisis!! My brain's foggy enough without one.
Good Morning Can
It’s pretty frustrating when trying to deal with a MLCer. It takes a certain view and focus to not expect an answer or non-answer to queries. Having hope for a positive answer and outcome is fine. Don’t expect it. For it will lead to resentment, which is a perfectly justified and normal emotional response, and one that doesn’t serve you. Perhaps a shift from trying to deal with XH, to dealing with the situation regarding the house (and XH).
MLCers are driven by emotions and depression. Many things are simply put off until later; the whole running behaviour is just that, putting off deal with their troubles. And when deep in depression, one doesn’t feel like doing much. Their minds are all over the map, being dragged back in time to their trauma(s). And yes, they do play the “I don’t get it” game as well. That is easier than facing the consequences for what they’ve done. Typical running. Delay, avoid, and so on.
Continue to reach out to CH. Try Offer email solutions to him and let him decide to agree or not.
Meanwhile, you can and do control you. Deal with the house situation. XH is benign a big duck right now. (Lol. There is another letter right next to the “d” on the keyboard) You have financing figured out, and want to go forward. If XH won’t play along, proceed without him. Legal counsel will provide recourse to this difficult situation. It might be as simple as a certified letter from a lawyer. Legal documents, the written word, is powerful. Seeing your legal intent in writing, coupled with the documented assertion of the fact the XH is blocking with his inaction, all on a lawyer’s letterhead, might just snap XH into moving in the right direction.
It is a tricky path dealing with a person in crisis. They are not thinking nor behaving rationally. The most expedient route is when they feel like they want to do that particular action; when they feel it is their idea. That takes going at things not head-on more of a sideways approach. Perhaps the house co-ownership is holding XH back from something he wants to do. Yet, he will remain stubbornly unaware of that and therefore not helpfully go forward. He needs a reason, his reason, to progress.
Unfortunately we seldom know what our spouse is truly feeling. And their feelings change all the time. XH hasn’t seen his daughter since April 2020, almost an entire year. That is a mind twisting dumbfounding bewilderment of behaviour that we just would not do. That highlights who you are currently dealing with. Not evil. XH is a lost soul.
Previous attempts to reach him have had limited success. The efforts to illustrate how this would provide for D4 have had similar success. Pear it way down and appeal to him.
Hi XH. I wish to purchase the house for $xxx. Where can I send the funds?
If he has any financial desires, that is a nice big lure. Once hooked he will feel the need to proceed, would contact you, and will look after the legal paperwork since he wants too.
This is not manipulating. You are simply stating your wish to purchase the house. Nothing else.
While doing that, look into your other avenues to accomplish your goal of sole ownership. Your future and success does not ride on XH’s actions or inactions. You control you. And you can still be compassionate and kind throughout - so no worries.
Just some thoughts on a Saturday morning. Hopefully they help.
D
Dear universe, thank you? Every have those moments when EVERYTHING is happening at once? In the uncertain kind of way. Each of my ducks is doing well, but at the moment swimming in circles. And then there are those hoops we all have to jumps through. One after another because that's just the way it is. I am thankful. And I'm mentally exhausted.
I have to remind myself that I have chosen to take the path I am on, to TRY and get what I deserve, to go after opportunities that are presented and keep breathing deeply when my heart races. All I can do is have faith and try. Not trying is a forgotten moment. It's gone. I'm doing what needs to be done and I'm blessed to have people in my life that are helping me along the way.
The next few weeks are critical. I'd love to say more, and I will when I know more.
I'm strong. I'm not giving up. I deserve this.
Prayers for the brightest of lights to guide me through this.
Amen
BIG Duck, aka the ex msg me. He's planning to see D4 NEXT WEEK. And I hope that he does. She'll be excited to see her dad. He's looking for his own place to stay while he visits.... his work is sending a covid test to the house, hold it for him, .... he doesn't have a ticket yet... will let me know... and he gave me the date he's "returning to his work out of state and out at sea". (well, that's what he says....)
It's almost been a year since he's physically seen her. He was at sea for 8 of those months, (this I know) and he communicated with her here and there with short videos and pictures.
The last time he sent a video msg to her (or any msg for that matter) was Christmas 2020. Actions speak louder than words, so we'll see if he shows up. I'm sure he's got a few ducks of his own to line up. I know I do.
If you've been following along, then you know what some of my ducks are. Basically "stuff" I need to get done. Hoops I have to jump through to make it to the finish line. I am SO close. And as mentioned in the previous post, everything is literally happening at once.
Over all I feel like I'm in a good place and we can come to an agreement and both move on happier. He's considering what I'm asking, but we still need to come to a final agreement. I know what my limits are. I've been punching the numbers for months. THIS IS the moment. THIS IS the finish line. Those of you who know my story, you know what I'm talking about.
Other than that, I'll be setting the littlest duck free tomorrow. Lucky ducky is still swimming happily (and that's good), slow duck is slow, but worth the wait. It's just the way those kind of ducks swim. And that's it for now.
I will be very busy tending to the flock over the next few weeks. I've come so far and I am so proud of myself for not giving up. THANK YOU all that have given your endless advice. I am forever grateful. We are almost home xo
Good Morning Can
A whole week with XH visiting might just get things over the finish line.
THIS IS the moment. THIS IS the finish line.
This is just a possible finish line.
True, much effort and number crunching has been invested into yourself and your life to get to this point. Remember, if XH doesn’t make a deal this week, there will be other future opportunities; the finish line would only be moved forward a bit. Although him considering your proposal is a pretty good sign that things may progress well. I’m hoping it does.
Dial expectations to zero and see what XH has in mind. As best you can - if needed - gently steer towards your goals.
You are doing wonderfully. Continue your path. And tend your flock.
D
No word from exH/Big Duck on his flight plans. He hasn't told me where he is now, but I know. My step-MIL actually called me & told me where he was, and that he had been out of the country. (gf is in EU...no surprise there)
He's at his brother's. If he does fly here, I have a feeling his mom will come too. I love both of my MILs. I feel very fortunate. Yes, I know, blood is blood, but they are both good to me. My mom is deceased, so I really feel a tight bond with them.
The rest of exh's boxes went into the garage. That felt good. No need to come in the house. I also changed the door knob on my door so it has a key lock. Didn't have time for the fancy keyless ones. Because the house is in both our names, I didn't change anything else. In time. I also did some paint touch ups on the exterior trim around some of the windows. Looks nice & clean. Small house, one story. Easy..lol..
I got in touch with a mobile notary, who will be available during exH's visit. Another duck to add to the flock.
I was given a tentative offer for the Gov position I applied for. Did fingerprints on Monday. Waiting to do another background check online. There's been issues with their servers, so I haven't been able to start anything. Apparently it takes 2hrs min to fill this thing out. Yikes! It reminds me of the paperwork I did for my green card. I did it all myself. And I did the forms for my citizenship to. Just follow the instructions and you can't go wrong.
The bad news: my pool is turning green & my fridge ice &water dispenser is broken. The pool I can fix. Drain a bit and refill. It's not my first swan dive. The fridge? Well, at least it still works. Will need a new one.
No new online hopefuls. Or Hope Fools. The one new fellow I was chatting to is so immature. I'm starting to think he just might be a teenager with a fake account. Done with that one.
Oh. I have to share that D4s nanny is a blessing. She's been watching D4 for free, as I go through this transitional stage of my journey. She is truly a blessing. I offer to pay her, and she gets offended and refuses. One thing is for sure, I've got several angels in my corner, protecting me through this. I am feeling their kindness and it's given me such strength and hope when I've needed it.
Happy Easter friends
You sound very strong and positive! If you are doing the security forms for a gov't job, yes, they will take some time to fill out. I know you know this, but...be sure to keep a copy for your records.
Sounds like you've got your "ducks in a row" w/having a mobile notary on call. Your xh doesn't have a clue just how intelligent you are and ready to get everything completed.
Have you checked on line to see if you can fix the ice/water dispenser? It may be something very simple or the line could be clogged.
Your nanny is truly a blessing You have many people who are in your corner and I am happy to read that everything is coming together nicely for you.
Happy Easter to you and your little one.
"Arrive 6th leave 15th". That's all that exH said in the last msg he sent. I don't know where he's staying, but he did say in a previous msg he was looking for a place to stay.
In a previous post I said I had a feeling that exH would bring his mother with him. It's possible. She sent me a text yesterday, "Happy Easter... I may have a surprise for you soon". (Maybe she's sending something with exh? or maybe she's coming?) I know D4 would love to see her. She's had her vaccine and is retired. She'd come in a heartbeat. And I'm sure exH could use the help/support with D4. I love her and thinks she's great. We have a good relationship. I'd love to see her, but I'd also like to see exH be 100% in care of his child. He has no idea what it's like to care for a child 24/7.
Today I'll be working with my savvy friend to draft up something up for big duck. It's a weird feeling I have. I can't explain it. Kind of like the ride is over? Or maybe I'm waiting for it to arrive again, but since I've been on it so many times my feelings have subsided? Almost numb?
Side Note: My fridge is working. The ice & water are functioning fine. A pleasant surprise. But now my pool is greener. The universe likes to keep me in balance. Keep calm and carry on. No rest for this lady.
Be well and Keep on Keepn' On
Everybody has creepy crawlies of some sort in there home. The invaders I have are blue baby centipedes. (2" long).
They bite; it stings like a bee. Never in my 8 year of living in this house have I ever seen an invasion like this! I killed at least 10 in my kitchen. Guess what I'll be doing in the near future. Oh, did I mention my pool funky again I know, hard times right? It's a pain, but I do love it.
My intuition can be pretty spot on sometimes, and I was spot on about my MIL coming with exH to visit. They arrive in 14 hours, will be coming to the house to get D4 and then going to their accommodations that are pretty close to my house.
I'm excited for D4. I haven't told her yet. Just put a note in her lunch that says, "A BIG surprise is coming your way soon!" I LOVE surprises. I'm sure she'll have a great time.
THIS IS WHERE I NEED HELP: Is there a how to on this?
While exH is here, we need to finalize the house. I want to buy him out & he's "considering it". I've made it clear in a few emails my intent, and have made offers. I've got an agreement written up and a mobile notary on speed dial. We just have to sit down and agree on a number.
THIS IS WHERE A.D.D. affects my life....(I made a call today to seek IC..not for my A.D.D. but that's part of it)
I feel SO confident at times, but get flustered and feel... well stupid. Okay, that's the wrong thing to say! I'm not very experienced when it comes to negotiations. Especially my house! THAT"S HUGE!! Why do I feel like this man has control over me? Maybe because I allow myself to think that. Like I'm coming against an opponent that usually outwits me. I do feel like I've come along way. I've just got to write down some points, and practice my preach. You know, like you do before a job interview. Role play... ..
This is the first time D4 and I will spend more than the night apart. I better GAL up a storm right? Heck yeah! I've got one task that I have to complete ASAP... background check (sf85) anyone done it? Funny, I was suppose to start it on Friday, with a 3 day deadline, but I had issues logging in until today. The deadline was waved by the supervisor who does the checks and he said take your time, all good! Great, but I'm going to do it ASAP of course, so I can GET that firm offer and EXCEPT it with an AMEN! You bet I'll take it!
SO many things going on at once. But I am blessed in so many ways. When our new routine gets started here, in OUR home, with me working from home, and D4 starting K in the fall, it is going to be SO sweet. That is going to be my thought to get me though.
Okay... it's midnight where I am... my favorite time to post... I know the east coasters will be reading this with their coffee.
Be well, be same & Keep on Keepin ON!!
You sound very strong and positive! If you are doing the security forms for a gov't job, yes, they will take some time to fill out. I know you know this, but...be sure to keep a copy for your records.
Hi Job! Yes, that is what I'll be doing. Will be keeping a copy for sure!
Sounds like you've got your "ducks in a row" w/having a mobile notary on call. Your xh doesn't have a clue just how intelligent you are and ready to get everything completed.
Thank you xoxo That really means a lot. He really really has no idea.
Have you checked on line to see if you can fix the ice/water dispenser? It may be something very simple or the line could be clogged.
By some miracle, it fixed itself! I just took some of the ice out, banged my fist on it a bit, you know, like the "Fonz".
Your nanny is truly a blessing You have many people who are in your corner and I am happy to read that everything is coming together nicely for you. /quote]
Yes, nanny is truly a godsend. And she is wonderful for D4 who is SO curious about religion. I was not raised with any kind of religious up bring, but I have strong faith in hire powers for sure. Nanny is bringing a lot of light into our lives.
[quote=job]Happy Easter to you and your little one.
Hope your Easter was a hoppy one.. (pun intended..)
A whole week with XH visiting might just get things over the finish line.
I sure hope that's how it plays out. All I can do is throw a pitch.
THIS IS the moment. THIS IS the finish line.
This is just a possible finish line..
I'm happy to be running in the race. If we don't try then we'd just never know the possible out come.
True, much effort and number crunching has been invested into yourself and your life to get to this point. Remember, if XH doesn’t make a deal this week, there will be other future opportunities; the finish line would only be moved forward a bit. Although him considering your proposal is a pretty good sign that things may progress well. I’m hoping it does.
Dial expectations to zero and see what XH has in mind. As best you can - if needed - gently steer towards your goals.
You are doing wonderfully. Continue your path. And tend your flock.
Gently steer towards my goals... my goal is coming to an agreement with exH and we sign it. I have no idea how to start the conversation with exH. Well, we've already starting talking about it via email.... but I'm not sure how to really start the conversation. ... keep it all business, with zero expectations... "Hey,, can you set sometime aside, to talk with me about the house? With your mom being here, it'd be the perfect time, can we do that? " I would say that in front of his mom, so she knows I need to talk with him. I have no problem telling her what I need.
Time for bed...
Have a good day D
Good Morning Can
While exH is here, we need to finalize the house. I want to buy him out & he's "considering it". I've made it clear in a few emails my intent, and have made offers. I've got an agreement written up and a mobile notary on speed dial. We just have to sit down and agree on a number.
Good. Well prepared.
I feel SO confident at times, but get flustered and feel... well stupid. Okay, that's the wrong thing to say! I'm not very experienced when it comes to negotiations. Especially my house! THAT"S HUGE!! Why do I feel like this man has control over me? Maybe because I allow myself to think that. Like I'm coming against an opponent that usually outwits me. I do feel like I've come along way. I've just got to write down some points, and practice my preach. You know, like you do before a job interview. Role play... ..
Stupid is definitely incorrect regarding you and your abilities!
I understand the frustration and feeling of being up against a bigger opponent. However, H probably feels the same or even worse. Consider his track record regarding the house. He is half responsible and doesn’t live there. This is a burden he most likely would like to be free of.
By the way, when I go into an interview, I am who I am. I do not role play. Be well prepared and be yourself. In this situation, be your intellectual business self and get the deal done. You can let out those emotions after.
Gently steer towards my goals... my goal is coming to an agreement with exH and we sign it. I have no idea how to start the conversation with exH. Well, we've already starting talking about it via email.... but I'm not sure how to really start the conversation. ... keep it all business, with zero expectations... "Hey,, can you set sometime aside, to talk with me about the house? With your mom being here, it'd be the perfect time, can we do that? " I would say that in front of his mom, so she knows I need to talk with him. I have no problem telling her what I need.
Starting a conversation is oftentimes the hardest part.
Depending on how long a visit H and MIL are having may dictate the needed speed of your efforts. A couple of weeks, you could afford a couple of days to see if H brings up the house, after all he is considering it. A weekend, you better be forward and to the point.
That being said, H may not bring it up at all. So it will fall to you to start the conversation. That’s ok. Good even. You are taking control, and being the initiator places you in a position of somewhat power and leadership. Utilize that position.
I would suggest less asking him to discuss things and more telling him your availability. The idea is a discussion is happening, you and he are just nailing down the time and date.
So after the small talk and other necessary information exchange regarding D4, where they are staying, and such.
“H, I am free on Thursday afternoon to discuss the house offer. 2:00 pm at Joe’s Diner?”
Simple. Straightforward. Definite with a time, date, and place. Leave nothing up in the air and vague. Best to discuss this matter away from the house. Keeps it business-like, more numbers and figures rather than walls and memories.
Best of luck with H. I do hope he is amicable and ready to deal.
D
I feel SO confident at times, but get flustered and feel... well stupid. Okay, that's the wrong thing to say! I'm not very experienced when it comes to negotiations. Especially my house! THAT"S HUGE!! Why do I feel like this man has control over me? Maybe because I allow myself to think that. Like I'm coming against an opponent that usually outwits me. I do feel like I've come along way. I've just got to write down some points, and practice my preach. You know, like you do before a job interview. Role play... ..
By the way, when I go into an interview, I am who I am. I do not role play. Be well prepared and be yourself. In this situation, be your intellectual business self and get the deal done. You can let out those emotions after.
When I do presentations I like to do up a script with all my key points outlined just like you describe that you've done. That way when I inevitably get pulled off track, I have that to fall back on and to make sure they get covered.
Think of it as a business meeting vs role play perhaps ....
Yes, definitely discuss it in front of his mom, she may be your ally in this process. Maybe even have the discussion with her in the next room if possible? I just have the feeling he won't be quite as unreasonable with his mom in earshot.
D4 is enjoying her time with her dad & gm. I'm catching up on things and barely doing anything fun. IC session this afternoon. It'll be my first one. Still attempting to get exH agree on a moment to discuss the house. I'm tired of waiting for him.
I am glad that D4 is enjoying her time with her dad and gm. She'll have a lot to talk about when she is back home and hopefully some very good memories to reflect back on when they are gone once again.
Good luck w/the IC this afternoon. I'm sure you'll find the right moment to get your xh to sit down to discuss the house. Do you think he's avoiding you because he knows you want to discuss this issue? Sometimes they don't want to discuss separating property, etc., because it is the last thread to the person that they walked away from. It's difficult to understand how their minds work...but some do think this way. I hope and pray that a time should open up for that discussion this weekend.
Ask H in front of his mom.
Ask H in front of his mom.
Oooh - accountability to a higher authority - you play dirty ....
In fact, ask XMIL in front of him - "Hey, XMIL, exH and I have some paperwork to deal with so that I can buy him out of the house - what's a good time for him and me to do that and you to entertain granddaughter while we do? Maybe you could (bake cookies, swim in the pool, whatever around the house) while we do that. "
Sunday works....FINALLY he has agreed to a day. I've only been asking since Tuesday when they landed. Now just waiting on confirmation of place and time. For me, I don't care. Suggested here at the house in the afternoon. I will have a friend with me. My previous attempts have been made with MIL within ear shot, and I've also had a conversation with her about my intentions. exH has just been making excuses or skirting around the subject with other things that he has to take care (like his taxes).
So exH also mentioned in his text that he wanted do some work on the 2nd vehicle, incase I need to drive it. What? Interesting.
Stay tuned.
*ps- letter is drafted up & mobile notary is on speed dial.*
Time and location confirmed. (See above)
IC session in 45 mins.
Pedicure done this morning.
Heart rate normal.
Hi Can
Yay!
Date, time, and place all set.
You know what you are after, what your goals are. Keep XH and the conversation from getting too far off track.
Yes! (Fist pump)
D
We talked. Still working out details. Positive note: We are talking about the same outcome; me keeping the house.
Just a matter of agreeing. Almost there.
,~~.
( 6 )-_,
(\___ )=='-'
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\ `-' /
~'`~'`~'`~'`~
Yeah! I imagine his mother's presence is having a leavening effect. Keep it to all business, keep your emotions out of it.
Andrew, that’s one big duck. Lol
,~~.
( 6 )-_,
(\___ )=='-'
\ . ) )
\ `-' /
~'`~'`~'`~'`~
lol.... love this.. thank you Andrew
Yeah! I imagine his mother's presence is having a leavening effect. Keep it to all business, keep your emotions out of it.
Hi kml... I know his mother being there is of great joy for D4. And it helps him out. As far as it shifting his attitude?
MLC/WAS I just want this over, but I'm not done yet. Just tired.
I've been a wreck. I am up & down. Just when I think I know which duck is the real one, a decoy pops up. Looking forward to Rabbit season.
I am thankful for the support of others. (booking my next therapy session after I post). I am that friend who is on the phone at all hours, trying to get through the moment. I don't have the luxury of having my mother here. I am thankful that my sweet D4 is able to make memories with her dad & gma.
He walks beside me so nicely, he pushes , I fall. His hands never touch me, his words do it all.
I'm still in the struggle, I'm trying to swim. Sometimes I tread water, not knowing where to begin.
As I think of the memories I'm making right now, they are more of a nightmare, but strength I have found.
When I look back and remember this fight of all fights, I'll remember I cried, and I got up because I'm a brave she knight. And we fight the good fights.
*This is for you D4*
,d88b.d88b,
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Don't get sucked in to the emotions. He's basically leaving you to be a solo parent, so you are not asking for anything unusual as far as finances go. He's probably throwing in obstacles because he, on some level, still wants to keep you as plan B. Or else, is just "shocked" that the Zipless Divorce (see Erica Jong Fear of Flying if you don't get the reference) turns out to be complicated and involve boring paperwork.
Hello Can
(((Hugs)))
kml is correct, there is quite a pull from the emotional vortex.
You hit the nail square on the head. This is a fight!
But: Who is the opponent? How does one win?
We are our own opponent. This is a battle within ourselves. Yes, our spouse and situation influences our emotions; yet we are not weaponless against the onslaught. We use our most strongest and valuable weapons - our mental assertiveness. Our sword and shield.
With our sharp keen sword of logic and reason we cleave from our spouse’s emotions and actions. We see and understand their driven need to behave in such an irrational manner, and realize that which we truly and only can control - ourselves.
Our bright polished shield of mental strength protects us and deflects those hurtful words and blameful projections. The broad armour of our rational reasoned mind understands that this is about the person in crisis, and their blame is them running from facing their pain.
Together, sword and shield, our mental assertiveness serves us and allows us to find peace and detachment.
To battle, one must realize their true opponent. And we win this fight in the oddest of ways, when we actually stop attacking head on. In effect, to stop fighting, and start accepting. Brute force begets more force. Instead, our sword is incredible sharp and much better utilized with subtle precision. Wildly swinging only tires us out. Logically and rationally cutting that which needs cutting works towards one’s goals. That, not only conserves one’s strength, it minimizes damage. Detachment, it is a rather elegant and sideways strategy.
The fight is with our emotional responses and our own reinforcements to the actual and perceived triggers.
This is the good fight. No doubt about it!
Of course, the best fights to fight are those that shift and alter us within.
I mentioned before how we are all prisoner and jailer in our prisons of fear. Within us we hold the keys to our own freedom, and that is most definitely worth fighting for.
Stay strong. You got this.
D
I'll talk about the car later....OH what a week this has been (more like a few months). I did consult with a lawyer, so I did my do diligence there. The end result; paperwork was signed and escrow will open in about a week, when I start my NEW gov job. It'll take some time of course, as we know for Escrow to close, so that will be my final duck! BIG duck will have at least 1 form to sign, which will have to be done remotely as he will be back at sea. ugh... can this be any more complicated! OH right! If your ex is MCL/WAS they like it to be that way for you. Thankfully, the notary I know can do this remotely! YAY!
I was really beaten down my last post, and rightly so. For the record, I'll have my 2nd IC session on Friday. exH just kept pulling the rug out from me. I've been trying to negotiate with him since February via email. Like pulling teeth! Then we finally talk face to face last week and come to some kind of verbal agreement, but we have to agree to the letter. Of course exH didn't like the verbiage and had to have it HIS way, dismissing what I needed. It was exhausting going back and forth with him, via text and not all at once...many periods of silence and him refusing to even take a call and talk. SO frustrating, but that part is over.
We we're suppose to go met with a notary on Tuesday before 5pm... exH cancelled at 4:30pm, because he felt pressured, but booked a notary for the next day. I was SO angry, and felt defeated, just like exH wanted it to br. Almost like he was dangling the carrot in front of me and pulling it away over and over and over.
Yesterday morning, exH and I worked remotely again to finish up one last detail. Again, via text, he would not take my call. I finally asked via text, "why do you hate me so such?" That got a remorseful reaction from him and we were able to finish up and talk on the phone. SO frustrating! It was like he was a hammer and I was a nail. Belittling remakes via text one after the other trying to make me think I'm an idiot.
So, we agree. I did have to bend a lot and reword things to suit his needs, but it says what it needed to say. In the end it's my decision to agree or disagree and I have to live with it. And I'm okay with it. I go to leave the house and I see he's calling. I ignore him, as I'm going to be driving and don't want to be late.
Minutes later at the notary location, I return his call, and he said, "My car was stolen, can you come here, I rebooked our appt for later, I'm on hold with the police." WOW didn't see that duck coming! KARMA duck? That was my first thought (and my Step-MiL text me the same thing... karma). So I go to exH, he's about to loose his mind and then he starts having problems with his cell phone and calls are not coming in. OH double bad Karma! It was so weird.
We leave, get to our appt location early and go have a beer. I wasn't going to but opted for the smallest size. ExH grew more frustrated with all that was going on with him and was so short with me. At that moment I was thankful NOT to me married to that kind of person anymore. Such an angry person. We made it to the appt, and of course he found more things to get frustrated about. One being using my version of our agreement, I gave it one last try and he protested. At least we signed and got that part over with.
I didn't feel any victory in having that done, because I know there is one more thing he has to sign and he'll be at sea for that and it's not that easy, but it's not difficult and can be done. It's just another thing that's out of my control. UGH...
Any way. After signing he had phone calls to make and wanted to get food from D4 & gma. I was invited to eat with them, so I did. I stayed with them the rest of the evening, until exH finished up with the police. There was video footage of the thieves at very late hours ... D4's new car seat was in there, so getting a replacement. Luckily I have my own for my vehicle. Always good to have 2. D4 is sad her dad's car got stolen. If it gets recovered great, and if it doesn't exH gets payment for it. Interesting that he just worked on it, and changed the tires (put old ones on) and now it's gone. At first I thought, really? No way this happened. Did he have anything to do with it? I don't know. But there is video footage of someone pulling up, and another getting out and driving away with his vehicle, middle of the night. And he leaves the state today, and will be a sea... unreachable at most times... for 7 months...
Today I am returning to the condo where they are to get D4 & gma and there things. Gma will be staying at our house for another week. I'm looking forward to spending time with her and will try not to talk too much about her son. exH ask if I would come early and have breakfast with them... OH now were nicely nice...
My new job starts the day after gma leaves. It's remote, so I'll be home and D4 will be with nanny. Still have to figure out how that'll work. Nanny is fine with whatever works for me. SO blessed to have her in our lives.
Almost time for the sun to rise.
How do people steal cars on an island??? I mean, there can't be that many places to hide. Here in San Diego, thieves would just drive across the border with them, or take them to a chop shop. But I would have thought that's a rare crime where you live.
Well - serves H right for being such a pain in the neck. Glad you're not married to him anymore either. Who needs the negativity?
BTW - are you sure the car was stolen and not repo'ed? Maybe he hasn't been making his payments on it?
kml,
I was thinking the same thing about the car being repo'ed.
Great minds thinking alike, Job!!!
No repo. That vehicle was our 1st, bought for cash from an owner used years ago. There's video footage of people pulling up in the middle of the night doing the deed. No news on it.
D4 and I used it a lot. She was really upset, as a few personal items of hers were in there too. It was probably stripped down to nothing. I doubt we'll see it again. Sad, and an uncomfortable feeling.
We'v got our own vehicle and have been parking it in the garage. It's old too, so [censored] not having the second one around just in case. I've been thinking about something else for us anyway. Once I can afford it. Save up for it.
I don't know how criminals get away with car theft here either, but lately that type of vehicle has been targeted.
Easy to take.
Well, it's his. And he could of just as easily had it shipped off island or sold it. I hope it's recovered, but doubt it.
Glad it happened when it was in his possession so he can’t blame you!
Just when I thought there couldn't be more to this story, my MIL drops a bomb of her own.
MIL is staying at the house. D4 adores her. Love her, we're close. She seemed a bit upset after a long phone call she had with her husband. I offered my ears & shoulders to her, as she's been there for me so much with my stuff. At first she was hesitant, "you've been through enough...I don't want to add to it." I gave D4 some screen time so the adults could talk in private. I assured her it was okay to share if she wanted to and she did.
MIL filed for divorce from her husband of many years..over 20 for sure. Maybe over 25.. He's husband number three. She also talked about moving to my area, and exH thought that'd be wonderful. They could have a place together. Her permanent and him transiant I'm assuming (his gf is in EU..if that's still a thing). Who knows. She has an elderly mother though that relies heavily on her.
Besides that BD, we shared our concerns about exH. MIL witnessed the ugly side of his MLC/WAS colors. She shared how his behavior was distant and he was not himself while they were together with D4. I wasn't surprised, but saddened that he wasn't fully there for D4. Thank goodness for gma.
I took this opportunity to open up the doors for her to ask me questions about what happened with exH & I. And we talked about his pA a bit. I shared things exH said about himself never being truly happy ever in his life. I didn't share all of what exH said, as it had to do with her, but I felt it was important to share. ExH said to me he's still not happy. He could be yanking my chain, but MIL and his family see it too. I can't help him, but I'm always here to listen. I told him I don't hate him. I don't like what he did, but I don't hate him.
So he continues to play the unhappy victim, or maybe he's mentally struggling. Both? Not my husband. His family and friends can step up and coddle him.
Oh! I took a phone call from exH close friend and updated him. Didn't mention the affair, but heavy hinted. I still have business to do with exH, so I don't want to poke the bear too much.
Good Morning Can
Wow, that certainly was a twist. Good of MIL to open up to you, and somewhat confide.
It sounds like XH knows about the divorce given his excitement over the possible joint living arrangements, her permanent and him transient. XH showing not quite the normal reaction to divorce news. Maybe he was told before and has had plenty of time to process this pending divorce, although that’s doubtful. This news will be another emotional input in his already scrambled plethora of competing feelings, which will have an affect upon him.
I’m glad you got the agreement settled and signed. Just one more signature to go.
And wise not to poke the bear.
D
Hi Can,
It is sometimes strange that everything can suddenly look a bit different than one might think at first.
I can imagine that it feels like a certain relief for you to share your story with someone from his side of the family. She seems to be a really good person.
In the beginning this is all very difficult because you and the children (if older) are the only ones to see what is actually going on, many outsiders, even though they are very close to you or to your H, do not see how this person has changed, since they have an incredible way of hiding it.
But after a while, and certainly after 2 years, like in your case, everyone in their close environment are beginning to see that they are really not doing well. They can't hide it anymore.
This was also the case with my situation and because of this I feel, strangely but true, enormously supported, and this helps us as well to take steps in the right direction.
Anyway, you are one strong person and I sincerly hope the sun will rise for you very soon!!
New job starts tomorrow. A liaison of sorts between patients (veterans) and medical facilities. I'll be working remotely from home. Full-time, better pay & great benefits. First week is orientation and training. All virtual. That'll be interesting. We're using our own devices for now. I know they'll eventually have us pick up our equipment (laptop, keyboard, monitors) & get our security cards soon.
D4 will be starting a new routine too. Off to nannies. She has daycare a few days as well, until kindergarten starts in August. A friend said she could help me out some days too. That'll save me money. Lots of changes.
Gma went home today. She told me several times she wants to move here. Maybe her & exH will buy together. That'd be nice for D4. And I'd get a break here and there.
Really sleepy now. Night night.
A new job. A liaison. How wonderful and exciting. And of course better pay and benefits is awesome.
Full time and virtual will be a new routine for you and D4. Nannies, child care, and Kindergarten in the new school year. Wow, I bet D4 is excited as well. Lots of changes and opportunities for sure.
Life sounds pretty sweet over there. Well done Can!
D
Great news Can!!! Congratulations!!!
I am so happy for you and your little D. Congratulations on the new job!
Congratulations Can!!
Exciting and blissful feeling.
Also something you can fully concentrate on. (makes you think a lot less about other situations
)
Good luck in any case !!
Didn't sleep sound, but that normal. This time it wasn't my own thoughts keeping me up, but the new people that moved in behind us. Drinking & arguing. It was sounding pretty bizarre. Any way, I got D4 off in the morning fine. My day was one long virtual meeting with videos in between.
D4 was so craving my attention. In a naughty way. I couldn't do what I needed to. It was frustrating.
Hopefully she'll soon understand I have needs too.
Get a babysitter for the week, or at least part of the days. D4 is just too young to entertain herself for so long.
As for the new neighbors - I hope they are renters. We once had drug dealers move in across the street from us. (In a very nice neighborhood in a wealthy town). Bunches of cars would show up when the bars closed at night, all kinds of sketchy people coming and going. The neighbors got together and complained to the landlord, and finally through a city program were able to get him to evict them. Shortly before they moved, FBI agents came to my home and asked me to call them if I saw them starting to move - they were tracking them, trying to catch the bigger fish.
We sure slept better once they were gone. I hope your neighbors were just having a one-off visit from a drunk uncle, but if it continues, start talking to the other neighbors.
Oopsie! My last post was late at night and missing details.
D4 isn't home while I work at home. She gets dropped off to the nanny, and does daycare some days.
When I'm done work, D4 really craves my attention. So much so, that it's difficult to make or take phone calls. Kids always want your attention when you're giving it to someone else. I do give her 100% and explain she needs to give mom time to make calls here & there. A fine balance. I'm learning.
D4 will adjust, just like she has in the past. Just like I have. Together we can do anything.
Girl, it's not easy being an only parent, but you are doing a bang-up job!
Thanks kml
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