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Posted By: CanBird New Beginnings Pt 2 - 12/26/20 04:58 AM
Previous Thread

It's still Christmas. The morning was all about D4 opening her presents. All mommy wanted was hugs and D4 delivered said, " You can have the hugs you want, and unwrap them with your heart." She says the sweetest things. Wise beyond her years for sure.

We did a quick video chat with MIL and extended family. And to my surprise, XH and D4 got to video chat. XH tried calling twice, but it was through an APP so I was not alerted to the call. Then he left a 9 sec video message. D4 watched it and did not want to call back or video back. I normally would not care, but because it's Christmas, I encouraged her to send him a thank you video. She did, and I think it was 7 secs. Then, I accidently video called XH. He picked up right away before I could hang up, so he & D4 chatted.

It was hard to listen in & watch XH. I had to hold the phone, as D4 isn't quite capable of doing it, without hanging up. I couldn't help but analyze every little detail. And then, I thought....none of this matters. It really doesn't matter. So what if you hear clinging dishes being cleared or maybe placed on a table. So what if the couch he's sitting on is old, and the shirt he's wearing is fleece. So what if it's daylight. None of these things matter. He's not here. He reached out to D4, that's all that should matter and nothing else. That is the BIG part of the picture, D4 and her dad talked on Christmas.

After D4 talked to her dad, we went to a friends for the rest of the afternoon, and we are just getting home now. It was nice to be out of our house and now we are home and I'm feeling that bit of emptiness I was hoping I wouldn't feel. It's up to me to shake off that feeling. Let it come and let it go. Remember the things that made you smile today.
Posted By: DnJ Re: New Beginnings Pt 2 - 12/26/20 03:49 PM
Good Morning Can

I am glad you accidentally video called XH. You know what, let’s go with it might have been something more, something else, a little nudge from fate or...

Originally Posted by CanBird
It was hard to listen in & watch XH. I had to hold the phone, as D4 isn't quite capable of doing it, without hanging up. I couldn't help but analyze every little detail. And then, I thought....none of this matters. It really doesn't matter. So what if you hear clinging dishes being cleared or maybe placed on a table. So what if the couch he's sitting on is old, and the shirt he's wearing is fleece. So what if it's daylight. None of these things matter. He's not here. He reached out to D4, that's all that should matter and nothing else. That is the BIG part of the picture, D4 and her dad talked on Christmas.

You are so correct. The BIG picture, D4 and daddy talking on Christmas. A little girl’s unknown and unspoken Christmas wish answered.

I’m sure you’ve prayed for peace and guidance. Fate sometimes intercedes and gives us an opportunity. “And then, I thought...”. You did good, really good Can. So what if he wears a certain shirt, or is clang dishes; he is not here. However, he was there for D4, and that matters.

You are good person Can.

Hearts and thoughts is excellent. And enough (for now) age appropriate explanation for D4. When she asks further, you can explain further.

I totally understand how your friends anger bleeds into you. The forgiving path is such a rarity to those who have never walked this kind of thing before. I too have had many people wonder in amazement at how I could not be mad as h3ll.

I see it like you said, an addiction or not in their right frame of mind. Both of those are rather obvious for a person dragged into the dark from a midlife crisis. It’s a matter of culpability or in this case non-culpability.

The MLCer is guilt and blame-worthy of their choices and actions. However, none of those are do to you. What our MLC spouse does has very little to do with us. They are lashing out and running from long ago emotional torments. No point being mad and angry at them for something that actually doesn’t even include us in the equation except as their target since they cannot look within. Still, a big pill to swallow. smile

That does not give them a free pass, nor freedom from a future admonishment, nor frees them from restitution. It does free you from feelings/beliefs of retribution and holding a grudge.

Shine your light and bleed your views and your forgiveness into your friends. Find that strength. It is incredible, and so very very worth it.

D
I need to contact XH asap. I spoke to a Loan Consultant today, and moving forward, getting my ducks in a row.
Have no idea if these ducks will swim or sink, but I need to line them up before they go in the water.


This is what I've drafted up, to send XH....


Hi


Forbearance period is ending.  Without authorization there is no way for me to take any action. 

I want to stay in the house. D4 needs a home. It will be a struggle, but I will try to do whatever I can for D4.

Need to know what to do, how  to bring/make the mortgage payments current. Go back to regular payments.

From there, once the mortgage is no longer in forbearance, we can talk more about plans and moving forward. 



Sound okay? I need XH to make this happen. To make calls to end forbearance on the mortgage.


It's just business.... it's just business.... it's just business....(repeat)


Posted By: may22 Re: New Beginnings Pt 2 - 12/30/20 12:34 AM
Hi CB,

Can you ask him to do what you want him to do specifically? Reading what you've written, it sounds a bit like you don't know what to do and are relying on him to help you figure it out. Don't you just need him to fill out a form or something to give you authorization like you had with your previous lender? Can you say something more like:

Dear XH,

Forbearance period is ending. Without authorization there is no way for me to take any action.

I want to stay in the house. D4 needs a home. It will be a struggle, but I will try to do whatever I can is necessary for D4.

Need to know what to do, how to bring/make the mortgage payments current. Go back to regular payments.

Maybe instead something like: Will you please call (XX) at (XXX_XXXX) and (give authorization or whatever you need him to do) so that I can negotiate with the lender? (Maybe add, I will share our options with you so that we can make a decision together if you think that would be necessary, or also ask him if he has any thoughts about how he'd like to handle the previous payments, or whatever, if it truly needs to be a joint decision.)


From there, once the mortgage is no longer in forbearance, we can talk more about plans and moving forward.

Basically, I'd just recommend asking him for exactly what you want him to do. I think the last thing you want to do is make him feel responsible for helping you figure this out, because that may impact his willingness to let you buy him out of the property. I'd do everything I could right now to communicate how competent and thorough you are, so that when the time comes that you can offer him a payout, either a lump sum or a series of payments, that he's confident you're good for it. If it seems like the house is going to be a PITA from his perspective, my guess is that would push him to just want to sell.

I haven't ever done anything like this myself, so absolutely defer to the advice of others who have walked this path either in buyouts or in communicating with absent MLCers... but that is my two cents!

D4 is so sweet... hope you guys are enjoying the week!
Posted By: CanBird Re: New Beginnings Pt 2 - 12/30/20 01:25 AM
Hi may22,

I made some adjustments to my email and sent it off. I couldn't wait any longer. I should have taken action on this sooner, however, knowing XH, he wouldn't have gotten around to it until the last minute anyway.
Posted By: DnJ Re: New Beginnings Pt 2 - 12/30/20 01:31 AM
Hello Can

Giving the urgency - call XH.

Keep it simple and direct. Do not ask for what he thinks you should do. Politely and factually tell him - “The mortgage’s forbearance period is ending. You need to fill out and send in the authorization paperwork for me to make mortgages payments and the required changes.”

If he doesn’t answer, or won’t, send him the same thing.

Do not bring D4 into this, nor tell him how much a struggle it is or will be, nor ask if this ok, nor what he wants to do, and not that we will discuss other plans going forward. Keep it straight forward, as he will get easily off course with extraneous information or problems.

He had his chance. This is business - and you need to protect you and D4. Remember he has the memory and focus of a gnat and his empathy chip is broken.

Hopefully he will complete the paperwork. However, this is a short term solution. Yes, you and he do need to figure out how to split the house asset. Get this settled and get more and more months behind you, get more and more of your own financial history, and get to the point where you can buy him out if that’s what you want.

D
Posted By: CanBird And We're Off! 2 ducks lined up. Let us Pray - 12/30/20 01:41 AM
Duck #1 has to do with the loan consultant. Happy to share my credit score is REALLY good. I had no idea what is was. How could I not know? I've never needed to know. Always paid bills/debts when due. Try to use only 1 card, and use others when necessary (i.e. Online card for online purchases, discount card at that certain store...etc etc)

Any way, good news there. We'll see how the rest of the plan goes. I've got other homework to do in that department.

Duck #2 is XH and getting out of forbearance. I need authorization from him (in the way of a form) to take any action with the forbearance on the mortgage. Neither of us can do any thing until it's made current and regular payments start up. This is not the first attempt at asking XH to take action.

Let us pray.
Originally Posted by DnJ
Hello Can

Giving the urgency - call XH.

Keep it simple and direct. Do not ask for what he thinks you should do. Politely and factually tell him - “The mortgage’s forbearance period is ending. You need to fill out and send in the authorization paperwork for me to make mortgages payments and the required changes.”

If he doesn’t answer, or won’t, send him the same thing.

Do not bring D4 into this, nor tell him how much a struggle it is or will be, nor ask if this ok, nor what he wants to do, and not that we will discuss other plans going forward. Keep it straight forward, as he will get easily off course with extraneous information or problems.

He had his chance. This is business - and you need to protect you and D4. Remember he has the memory and focus of a gnat and his empathy chip is broken.

Hopefully he will complete the paperwork. However, this is a short term solution. Yes, you and he do need to figure out how to split the house asset. Get this settled and get more and more months behind you, get more and more of your own financial history, and get to the point where you can buy him out if that’s what you want.

D



Hi DnJ,

This is an urgent matter I agree. Usual contact with XH has been via msg APP, email or text. I left a typed msg on each.
We'll see if I get a response. If I don't hear from him by tomorrow afternoon, then I will call.

The email I sent was more to the point (simple & direct keeping it business), and always polite. I did not put any thing about it being a struggle, but I did mention D4 frown It's her house too. I'm hoping he realizes that is why I mentioned her.

I'm trying to remain in control of what I can. There is power in that. Need to write that & read it more often.

"Remain in control.... There's power in that."

And now for some DEEP BREATHING

BIG DEEP inhale..... "Remain in control....
BIG LONG exhale... "There's power in that"
Posted By: DnJ Re: And We're Off! 2 ducks lined up. Let us Pray - 12/30/20 05:28 AM
Hi Can

Congratulations on the excellent credit score. Duck #1 all lined up. smile

Originally Posted by CanBird
...but I did mention D4 frown It's her house too. I'm hoping he realizes that is why I mentioned her.

I understand the idea of attempting to appeal to XH’s compassionate side; she’s his daughter for goodness sake. However, broken empathy chip - he didn’t even know when he would call her. My caution to you, was so not to get your expectations up.

Also, and I’m not being mean, it’s not D4’s house. It is her home. It is your’s and XH’s house. Be business-minded. XH is a tangle of crazy emotions and not reacting rationally. The extra pressure from his realization that this will affect D4 could shoot him off in any direction. By the way, do you really think he forgot that she lives there? He might be trying too (and of course failing). When driven by emotions, it is hard to predict what will happen.

When working to negotiate or get a MLCer to preform or accomplish a certain task, it is usually best to limit the extra stuff. In this case, probably no big deal, and it could very well help. I was only suggesting a more conservative approach, with hopefully less risks. The only thing XH is doing is delays things is all.

You got this Can.

D

Originally Posted by DnJ
Hi Can

Congratulations on the excellent credit score. Duck #1 all lined up. smile


Hi DnJ,

Thank you for the credit score congrats & for always being a great cheerleader. I really appreciate hearing from you.


Originally Posted by DnJ

Originally Posted by CanBird
...but I did mention D4 frown It's her house too. I'm hoping he realizes that is why I mentioned her.



I understand the idea of attempting to appeal to XH’s compassionate side; she’s his daughter for goodness sake. However, broken empathy chip - he didn’t even know when he would call her. My caution to you, was so not to get your expectations up.




When dealing with XH/MLCer, expectations are always at zero. Training my brain to expect nothing from XH has been challenging in the beginning, being that I try to be an optimistic and always try to find the good in everyone. However, XH is not who he was. This is not someone that thinks rationally.

The memory of who someone was, is just that. A memory. It isn't who they are presently.

Originally Posted by DnJ

Also, and I’m not being mean, it’s not D4’s house. It is her home. It is your’s and XH’s house. Be business-minded. XH is a tangle of crazy emotions and not reacting rationally. The extra pressure from his realization that this will affect D4 could shoot him off in any direction. By the way, do you really think he forgot that she lives there? He might be trying too (and of course failing). When driven by emotions, it is hard to predict what will happen.


Oh gosh, I would never take any thing you say as mean. You are any thing but that. ((( )))

Yes, the home is were D4 lives. The house is property, that I & XH own. Keeping it all business is the best way to be. There was a moment, I admit, that I was trying to apply to XH's compassionate side. Now reading the words, it's seems silly to even THINK that an MLCer could be compassionate. And really, D4 is not mentioned in the agreement when it comes to the house, so I should be mindful in the future, and keep it all business.


Originally Posted by DnJ

When working to negotiate or get a MLCer to preform or accomplish a certain task, it is usually best to limit the extra stuff. In this case, probably no big deal, and it could very well help. I was only suggesting a more conservative approach, with hopefully less risks. The only thing XH is doing is delays things is all.



Keep it simple. I appreciate your suggestions DnJ.


Originally Posted by DnJ
You got this Can.



Thank you DnJ. Now I've got to make that phone call to XH. I'm guilty of stalling by stopping by here first, but I wanted to reread what you posted to me previously, on what I might say to XH. smile

more DEEP BREATHING........

Inhale......... exhale......
Duck#2:

Trying to contact XH, regarding the forbearance period of the mortgage being over. He needs to fill out authorization forms so I can make payments and make required changes.

-Today I left voice messages on both cell numbers I have for him.
-I left txt msgs on both cell numbers
-I left another email. (1st attempt sent Dec 22. Follow up Dec. 29)
-I left another txt msg on both phone Apps I have for him.

The one thing I haven't done is reach out to his family. The only person I would reach out to is Brother-In-Law.
That is someone that I'm 99.9% sure XH is being honest with, and he might have better luck. XH-Bro keeps in touch with me, even though it's once in a while, like once a month.

I'm in a bit of a panic. Tomorrow is the end of the YEAR! I feel like I should reach out to BIL, just a txt.

example txt to BIL:

Me : Hi, I've been trying to contact XH regarding an urgent matter regarding the mortgage. If you have a way to reach him, he needs to read his emails and tend to these time sensitive matters.

I will go no further with the conversation unless BIL wants to engage in one.


BREATHE....................

BREATHE...................
CanB, reading this from afar, it doesn't look scary at all. And that is why I understand exactly why you are scared. I also would have massive panics and freak outs over things like that, agonizing for days.

The reason you are scared, I think, is because you secretly believe you did something wrong.

Can, you did nothing wrong.

You did nothing wrong.

You are doing the best you can to hold house and home and child together after the man you trusted with house, home, heart, child, future, being grandparents, building a home, etc., after that guy pulled not the entire rug out but the entire foundation of the house in which the floor was on which the rug was lying. That is what you are scared of, not BIL.

But it already happened. You already lived through it. It's the broken arm pain. The arm is already broken.

You have nothing to be ashamed of. ExH does.

I would just text the brother guy as if what you said about him above is true, that he is a decent guy who knows the truth about both of you and that he is a guy who cares about you and his niece.

Or pretend one of your friends here has a way to get in touch with him. What would you say to one of us?

Hey, Gerda, I really have to get exH to sign this paper so I can talk to the mortgage lenders, and the deadline is this weekend, but I haven't heard back from him in a couple weeks. Do you have a way to forward the form to him and get it back to me? Sorry to bug you but it would be a huge help!

Alternatively, if there is any way for you to handle this yourself, just do that. Honestly I would just forge his sig on the doc but I know that line is going to get a lot of NO NO NO's. I would not forge a sig to get money or anything like that, but if you have to get this thing done and you can't do it without that, you are keeping the house of foreclosure, etc., then just sign it for him and forward it to him and say that you are going to send it to him with this sig unless he wants to sign it directly himself, but it has to be done asap.
Originally Posted by Gerda
I know that line is going to get a lot of NO NO NO's

smile

No. Don’t do that!
Hi Gerda. Thanks for dropping by smile

Originally Posted by Gerda
CanB, reading this from afar, it doesn't look scary at all. And that is why I understand exactly why you are scared. I also would have massive panics and freak outs over things like that, agonizing for days.

The reason you are scared, I think, is because you secretly believe you did something wrong.

Can, you did nothing wrong.

You did nothing wrong.



I know I've done nothing wrong. There's just a lot going on right now. I have my usual feelings of anxiety/panic, and maybe feeling a bit helpless. There are lot of unknowns going on right now, that I don't have any control over. Darn right I'm scared.


Originally Posted by Gerda
You are doing the best you can to hold house and home and child together after the man you trusted with house, home, heart, child, future, being grandparents, building a home, etc., after that guy pulled not the entire rug out but the entire foundation of the house in which the floor was on which the rug was lying. That is what you are scared of, not BIL.


Yes. I am doing the best I can. XH has certainly shaken the foundation alright. And how far will he take this is what I'm scared of. Will the walls stand or will the building collapse? Will he just be a ghost and ignore all of my messages?

Originally Posted by Gerda
I would just text the brother guy as if what you said about him above is true, that he is a decent guy who knows the truth about both of you and that he is a guy who cares about you and his niece.

Or pretend one of your friends here has a way to get in touch with him. What would you say to one of us?

Hey, Gerda, I really have to get exH to sign this paper so I can talk to the mortgage lenders, and the deadline is this weekend, but I haven't heard back from him in a couple weeks. Do you have a way to forward the form to him and get it back to me? Sorry to bug you but it would be a huge help!


BIL (xhs brother) is a decent person that knows the truth (whatever version xh told him that includes ow/xgf). Not sure if BIL knows how to get in touch with XH, but it's worth a try. I like your examples; appreciate it smile


Originally Posted by Gerda
Alternatively, if there is any way for you to handle this yourself, just do that.


What I've done is continue to send partial payments, via check from XH account/our old joint account. My name is on the check too and he stated in a text that I should do this. No wrong doing there. I keep all my txt msg too, just in case.

Originally Posted by Gerda
Honestly I would just forge his sig on the doc but I know that line is going to get a lot of NO NO NO's. I would not forge a sig to get money or anything like that, but if you have to get this thing done and you can't do it without that, you are keeping the house from foreclosure, etc., then just sign it for him and forward it to him and say that you are going to send it to him with this sig unless he wants to sign it directly himself, but it has to be done asap.


I could never and would never.
Posted By: CanBird Duck #2 (XH) emailed - 12/31/20 09:50 AM
WOW. It took 8 days, but I finally got the authorization form (for the mortgage) signed by XH!

Four emails from XH ,all the same. Guess he wanted to be sure I got the form.


This means I finally have a voice on what happens with the mortgage! (that's in forbearance)


XH emailed the mortgage people & cc'd me.

I'm sending this form in by fax as well tomorrow. I need action on this ASAP. I feel like an email would just sit there.
Sending a fax reminds me of "dial up". Wish it made the same noise, but at least it makes some noise, and a person has to pick it up and read it, and DO something with it.

What should the FAX Cover say? "Help make my day and get this authorized asap and contact me by email, phone, text, mail, carrier pigeon when it's complete."

Happy New Year

Yes. It will be.

Keeping positive.

And still breathing...


Posted By: job Re: Duck #2 (XH) emailed - 12/31/20 03:10 PM
Happy New Year to you and your little daughter!

I'm very happy that you finally got the authorization form and can now fax it to the financial institution and not involve anyone else in reminding your xh to sign the document and get it back to you.

CanBird, you have done absolutely nothing wrong. Your xh was a broken man and he needs to fix himself. Ring out the old year and look forward to a new year with an open heart. It's a new chapter in your book of life and we look forward to walking that path w/you as you travel in the next 12 months.
Posted By: Gerda Re: Duck #2 (XH) emailed - 01/01/21 04:41 AM
And Happy New Year to YOU, Job, with thanks for all your help to us all. Love, Gerda
Posted By: DnJ Re: Duck #2 (XH) emailed - 01/01/21 03:21 PM
Good Morning Can

A furthering upon the fear you and Gerda were discussing:

Originally Posted by CanBird
I know I've done nothing wrong. There's just a lot going on right now. I have my usual feelings of anxiety/panic, and maybe feeling a bit helpless. There are lot of unknowns going on right now, that I don't have any control over. Darn right I'm scared.

Originally Posted by CanBird
Yes. I am doing the best I can. XH has certainly shaken the foundation alright. And how far will he take this is what I'm scared of. Will the walls stand or will the building collapse? Will he just be a ghost and ignore all of my messages?

The unknown and uncertain future. We do tend to imagine the less positive possible outcomes, which then trigger our emotional response of panic and fear.

Originally Posted by CanBird
WOW. It took 8 days, but I finally got the authorization form (for the mortgage) signed by XH!

See how you are not scared of this anymore?

Instantly, with the authorization form signed, those imagined possibilities blinked out of existence and so did your fears regarding them. Makes one think doesn’t it? Think vs feel. Why was so scared? Exactly what was I scared of? (If you decide to look into that, be accurate and look deep.)

Fear is funny stuff. Completely real, and kind of not.

Part of fearless is a rational realization of the uncertain future and embracing that uncertainty. Embracing the possibilities. Embracing and promoting the good possibilities as well as preparing for the less positive ones.

Most times, the bad possibilities do not happen. And when they do, our course is not nearly as bad as we imagined it.

I’m glad XH got this signed and has the process moving along.

Originally Posted by CanBird
I'm sending this form in by fax as well tomorrow. I need action on this ASAP. I feel like an email would just sit there.

Feelings.

In actuality, or with what I’ve observed at my work place, email is the best choice for correspondence. FAX, and the cool noise, are more easily missed. Yes, someone has to do something with it, but first they have to get it. Business has emails right a people’s desk; the FAX is checked once in a while.

The from is sent in. In a few days it will be processed and all will be back on track and organized again.

A good start for the new year. Bring it on 2021, I’m ready!

You got this.

D
Posted By: CanBird New Years Eve & Tending to the Ducks - 01/01/21 08:45 PM
Happy New Year All.

Tending to the Ducks: Yesterday morning started early, with me on the phone to see if the authorization form XH sent in to mortgage servicers was actually received & valid. It was indeed valid and I was able to take action. No need to fax anything...lol.. I was surprised the authorization happened so quick. In the past it took a few days. I did not consult with XH on the action, as it did not require him to do anything. Things are still the same with this Duck.

The servicers will be sending a package on future options. These future options are how to get out of forbearance. Neither of us can move forward without tackling this Duck. The option to pay "owed payments" would be the best option, if feasible. XH should be responsible for this. However, if it needs to be a split debut, then so be it.

Regarding the other options, I won't go into detail, but I did ask a lot of questions, and took a lot of notes (as always). Bottom line for the other options; I can fill out the forms, but XH's signature is needed, as he is the borrower. We'll tend to that duck as needed.

I did not contact XH after my conversation. I had intended to, but a conversation with a good friend changed my mind. She said, "XH is a big boy, you do not need to hold his hand. If he wants to know what's going on, he can find out". There was a part of me (the nice mothering part) that wanted to share with XH, but she's right. XH never asked me to do anything, never asked me to update him, so why would I?

After that conversation, I felt pretty good. Had a few more conversations with my "Support Team". Amen for them. Everyone on this forum is part of that team and I am blessed for the continued support through this journey.

D4 and I had a lovely playdate for a few hours. We both enjoyed ourselves & got some hand sparklers given to us for later. Before we hunkered down for the afternoon, we picked up some pizza for our New Years feast. When we got home we took a much needed and appreciated dip in the pool. It was a really nice afternoon, followed by pizza dinner on our tiny front porch. Once the sun was down, the sparklers came out! D4 had SO much fun. I took a lot of joy in seeing her face light up. Our neighbors informed us that their teen & his friends would be putting on a BIG fireworks show and to get our lawn chairs out! D4 was over the moon with excitement, as was I. I love fireworks. We live on a cul-de-sac, so it's the perfect street for shows like this. The boys did not disappoint. At one point we took a break to video chat with Step-MIL, and then we got to see the really BIG bangs go off. Actually, the really big bangs when on all night. We we're before midnight, and as the clock brought in the New Year, BANG BANG BANG!!! WOW! The night sky lite up! Saw a few twinkles in the sky, but the sounds of celebration could be heard everywhere! It was quite amazing.


I have to back track a bit and share what Step-MIL had to say regarding XH. She asked if we had heard from him, and do we know where he is. XH has not had any contact with his father or his Step-M. They have been reaching out since Christmas and have not heard a thing. I shared what contact we did have with XH, on Christmas. We don't know where he is. I said to Step-MIL, that's on him, what he does or doesn't do. Both of us wonder why. XH father and Step-M think there is more going on with XH then we know. (No surprise there, right?) Maybe there is, maybe there isn't. XH is still on his MLC journey, trying to figure things out. That's his journey, his to figure out, not ours. Sure we can wonder, and speculate, but will we ever really know for sure? I know his family is hurting, but I'm glad they know as much as I do about XH.

ANY way. That's in the past, right!

Happy New Year.
One Day At A Time.
Posted By: CanBird The Divorce Talk with My 4yr Old - 01/02/21 06:53 PM
This morning, D4 and I were cuddling on the couch, in a cozy blanket, both of us had just gotten up. She asked about her dad.

Big thanks to one of you on this forum who told me to remain calm when I talked to D4 about her dad. I was thinking of this the whole time & it helped me keep it together. A few tears slipped out, but D4 didn't notice.

D4: When is daddy coming home? When am I going to see him?

The moment felt right. It was time to explain to D4 that daddy was not coming home.

Me: Remember mommy use to wear a ring because daddy & I were married...
D4: I remember; I miss that ring. It's pretty.


Me: Well.. maybe you can wear it when your older, when you get married. Mommy doesn't wear that ring anymore because her and daddy aren't married anymore. We're still married to you, daddy & I love YOU the same. I'm not sure when you'll see your daddy...

D4: Is daddy still working? Is he in AK?

Me: Daddy is finished work. He might be Ak, I'm not really sure. Daddy is doing his own thing. He's not going to be living here with us, he's going to have his own place.

D4: Where is he going to live? I'm not going to see him? (she got teary eyed for a split second,,,,)

Me: I'm not sure where he's going to live, but you and I will still be living together. Daddy and I are divorced; we are not married anymore.

(*I then gave her a few examples of friends she knows, that have divorced parents. Then we talked about a few of her cousins...and I even talked about her daddy's parents, how they divorced and and remarried. D4 actually said, "so you could find someone else and get married! And I could have a new daddy?" She was excited at this news.)

*Back to where daddy will live* I was truthful, and said I wasn't sure. He's traveling and figuring things out.*

D4: Maybe he'll live on a boat!
Me: Maybe.... or maybe he'll take a rocket ship to the moon!

(*the conversation turned very silly... D4 & I came up with some funny places daddy could live)

On a bus.. in a treehouse, in a pineapple under the sea, .... my favorites that D4 came up with:
maybe he's a (cartoon reference) and he's on a secret mission! ... with Peter Pan & Lost Boys in Neverland.

D4 had me laughing with the places she came up with. I'm SO pleased at how the conversation went. I'm not worried about saying the word divorce in front of her. She understands what that means for our family. "No boys in this house! Girls only!"...lol... her words... not mine. She is a firecracker, and so wise & strong.

*Side note: The last few days, she's been saying, "Mom.... I have/live a sad life..... it's just you and I. I don't see any of my family... (the Covid Blues/ depression I'm thinking)/... ".But we have friends that are like family, and that makes me happy. But I do miss my family (ie grandparents mostly).* I've always been matter of fact with D4, and explain life to her, on her level. She understands Covid and there are rules to in place that restrict us from doing things like we use to and that we are not the only ones feeling sad. Her little friend has been feeling the "Covid-Blues" lately too. Glad that they have each other. Yesterday, when we had a playdate, D4 & her bff4, talked about being blue. D4 said that even though she can't see her biological family, her bff & bffs mommy where like family, and that makes her happy. Bffs mommy and I were almost in tears hearing this conversation. So glad we have them too.*

That's all for now.
Posted By: kml Re: New Beginnings Pt 2 - 01/02/21 11:32 PM
Quote
D4 actually said, "so you could find someone else and get married! And I could have a new daddy?" She was excited at this news.)


This tells you everything you need to know. She misses having A daddy, maybe, but not so much HER daddy. Sad, but to be expected - I mean, at her age, if he never came back, she would hardly remember him when she’s older.

Sounds like that conversation went as well as it possibly could. Good job.
Posted By: CanBird Re: New Beginnings Pt 2 - 01/04/21 06:00 PM
Originally Posted by kml
Quote
D4 actually said, "so you could find someone else and get married! And I could have a new daddy?" She was excited at this news.)


This tells you everything you need to know. She misses having A daddy, maybe, but not so much HER daddy. Sad, but to be expected - I mean, at her age, if he never came back, she would hardly remember him when she’s older.

Sounds like that conversation went as well as it possibly could. Good job.



Thanks kml. I do feel this went well. D4's words did reveal a lot to me. I have to agree, that at her age, she's not going to remember a lot of this. Sadly, that may include not having memories of her dad. Very glad she remains lighthearted about the situation.

I started a new journal for D4. It's a New Year after all. BIG things are happening, and I want her to be able to look back and read for herself what was going on with her in 2021. Hopefully I can keep up the entries!
Posted By: CanBird Road Blocks & Detours. Keep Driving ? - 01/04/21 06:55 PM
Journaling: No sleep for me last night. Trying not to make mountains out of mole hills... but the stress/anxiety is there.

I've been working on getting my ducks in a row.... one of those ducks includes having a "letter of employment" signed by my current employer. This letter is needed for the Loan Consultant I've been speaking with.

Last night, I got an email from my boss, regarding the back from holidays schedule. He had warned us that hours would be cut for some, as it wasn't looking that busy in the New Year. I have no hours for the next 2 weeks.

What now with the "letter" for the loan? (I'll be talking with Loan Consultant about this for sure). I NEED this letter asap as part of my loan application to get me qualified. It's my first time, on my own, so please excuse me, as this process is all new to me. But I do know, I need that letter.

I was planning on presenting it to my boss in person, but now hours are cut. Another option, could be to text/email him and see if I can meet him for 5 mins after work hours. Last option, is to just email the letter to him and he can decide what to do with it.

Either way, I need that letter.

Thoughts?

*Please be gentle.
Posted By: Gerda Re: Road Blocks & Detours. Keep Driving ? - 01/04/21 06:59 PM
Can, are you worried you aren't going to have a job anymore or that you are scared to ask him without being in person?

It's just a letter to a bank. It's not the IRS. Just tell him you need one for your mortgage lender and that it's not anything that obligates him to meeting a certain number of hours.
Posted By: CanBird Re: Road Blocks & Detours. Keep Driving ? - 01/04/21 07:35 PM
Originally Posted by Gerda
Can, are you worried you aren't going to have a job anymore or that you are scared to ask him without being in person?

It's just a letter to a bank. It's not the IRS. Just tell him you need one for your mortgage lender and that it's not anything that obligates him to meeting a certain number of hours.



Hi Gerda, Scared of WHAT IF? (I send and he doesn't sign) Scared to ask him without it being in person.. silly right?

I KNOW better than to make a mountain out of mole hill. All day yesterday I talked positive about him and that he'd do this for me, he likes me as a person, always says we're a lot a like... we're nice people.

You're not the first person the tell me "it's just a letter...lol.... a standard bank letter at that.


I will just email it to him. Nothing ventured, nothing gained right? It's just a letter. smile

*Not worried about the job. I've got a plan B. That's another "Duck", that's just an egg at the moment. *

I live in Oz. Some days (like today), I'm the cowardly Lion.
Most days, like the last 2 years, I've been the Scarecrow (If I only had a brain) & the Tin Man (broken heart, but big).
D4 is my Dorthey.

I did not sleep much last night, so whatever I write may not make sense

Off to put together an email for boss. That I will keep short & simple. No classic movie references. Just business.
Posted By: CanBird Traffic is Moving & the Duck Egg - 01/04/21 09:42 PM
My boss replied, "No problem will do", to my request for a letter of employment. (He just has to sign what was drafted)

Because my hours have been cut, I wasn't sure (scared/worried) he might not sign it. HOWEVER. he knows my situation, he likes me as a person, and I know he's got a big heart that would help me out however he could.

And as I was sending his email off, I got an alert about another job prospect (aka duck egg) More $$....well see!!

Stay tuned!

Wow. Amazing how this day is turning around!

Ps- One of xh closets friend's text me. I called the friend and updated him on our D status. I less person in the dark.
Posted By: DnJ Re: Traffic is Moving & the Duck Egg - 01/05/21 01:54 AM
Hello Can

Originally Posted by CanBird
My boss replied, "No problem will do"

Oh, I like this guy.

Originally Posted by CanBird
Hi Gerda, Scared of WHAT IF? (I send and he doesn't sign) Scared to ask him without it being in person.. silly right?

Not silly at all.

This is new uncharted territory for you, of course there will be trepidation and some fear. Now that it is behind you, the next letter would not be so triggering.

I am glad you got the letter and another step closer to your loan. Yay!

Originally Posted by CanBird
Wow. Amazing how this day is turning around!

Best quote!

I’m smiling just reading it.

Cowardly lion. Bah, no way.

You’re CanBird. A pretty darn impressive gal. Brains, guts, and heart.

D
Posted By: CanBird Waiting For Mail/Male & Other - 01/08/21 05:22 PM
Had a dental appointment yesterday. To my surprise, XH hasn't cut me off his insurance, and seeing that it I don't have other dental coverage....(I do have Health insurance) I got fitted for a new night guard as well. Covered at 70%, after my routine cleaning (100% covered). Worth what I do have to pay in MHO. D4 is fully covered under XH. I would always check before any appointments anyways.


And this....

Waiting for my boss to send me a Letter of Employment, that my loan consultant requested.

Monday: Office closed. I sent it via email, and replied, "No problem, will do"

Tuesday: Work day. He emailed me, had a question about the hrs, would they accept a letter he wrote, I answered I'll check... and replied again with a revised letter, hrs left blank.

Wednesday: Work day. Nothing

Thursday: Normal day off. He's married, has 5 kids. It's a day off.

Friday. I want to email him to get this moving. I feel like I've waiting long enough.



"Hi Dr. I'll be speaking with my Loan Consultant again, she'll be needed that letter before Saturday afternoon if possible.

Again, appreciate this.

Hope you N and the kids have a great weekend."

~CanBird~


Too much? Too little? Send ? Don't Send?
Posted By: job Re: Waiting For Mail/Male & Other - 01/08/21 06:45 PM
CanBird,

If your Loan Consultant really needs the letter tomorrow, here is what I would post to him: "Dr., is there any way that you can prepare and send to my Loan Consultant the Letter of Employment by 10:00 a.m., Saturday, January 9th<
Thank you for assisting me in this matter. Have a pleasant weekend.

However, if it can be done Monday, then I would change the date and time to reflect Monday's date/time.
Posted By: CanBird Re: Waiting For Mail/Male & Other - 01/08/21 10:32 PM
Last contact with Loan Consultant (L.C.) was Monday (He'll sign), then Tuesday, dr had a question & I replied to him.

She hasn't contacted me for updates, and has only expressed the need for the letter, "the sooner, the better", no actual date attached.

I'm just impatient and want things to move along with this loan. I do have to understand, I really do, that people have lives, and he has a business he's running and a family.

I know he'll do this, as he is a man of his word kind of guy. Maybe he forgot? I don't want to bug the guy, but I also don't like sitting idle.

Maybe I should ask L.C. what she thinks... ?
Posted By: job Re: Waiting For Mail/Male & Other - 01/08/21 11:07 PM
If you can "gently" prod him along with a simple email reminder, that should do it.
Posted By: DnJ Re: Waiting For Mail/Male & Other - 01/09/21 12:30 AM
Hello Can

I’m suspecting the letter was to be sent back to you via email. Ensure your filter hasn’t incorrectly cataloged it. Check the junk/spam folder just to make sure, this probably is a new, and possibly unrecognized, domain name.

If you find it there great. Place his email or domain on the white list.

If not, no big deal. It’s ok to email a follow up, just like job suggested. He could have forgot, and then would appreciate the reminder. (That just happened to me today.)

D
Posted By: CanBird Re: Waiting For Mail/Male & Other - 01/09/21 03:09 AM
Thanks Job, DnJ.

Job: I think I'm the one that needed the "gentle prod" to give him the friendly nudge...lol..

Although it's just a follow up email, and I know he's going to follow through, there's always that passive side of me that doesn't want to bother/bug anyone. But like DnJ said, maybe he forgot and will appreciate the reminder.

I sent a follow up email, 5pm here. Better late than never. I gave him a lot of time to reply, and I do recall his wife, saying that she has to remind him often to follow up on things. Let's hope this is another one of those times.


I love getting advice here, even if it's not MLC related. Guess this could count as my own MLC?...
Not really a crisis, more like an egg that'll be sitting on until it hatches. So many ducks!

Posted By: CanBird Re: Waiting For Mail/Male & Other - 01/09/21 04:36 AM
And the dr just replied back...

"Oh I missed this, I'm glad you emailed me again! I will take care of it tonight or early tomorrow when at printer. "


So glad I emailed too!

Thanks again DB gang.

DB also stands for Dilemma Busters in my books wink
Posted By: CanBird Quack Quack! The Letter Came! - 01/09/21 10:25 AM
The letter came! (Letter of Employment for Loan Consultant/L.C.

At 11:30pm my boss emailed it to me. I just happened to look at my phone before midnight. He changed the wording of the letter slightly, which is fine. The bulk of what it needed to say is there, same information L.C. asked for.

I'm SO happy! Can't wait to email this off to L.C. in the morning! I don't want to now incase her phone dings...lol...

At some point, part of this loan process requires me to take a course, (another duck..lol..) a short one, like few hours There is a test involved too. I was actually excited when L.C. told me about it. Everything else that's involved in the loan process I'm aware of, and ready to put the rest of the ducks where they need to be.

FEELING MIGHTY

And to all a good night
Posted By: DnJ Re: Quack Quack! The Letter Came! - 01/09/21 03:15 PM
Good Morning Can

I’m glad you have letter in hand.

The ducks are aligning.

Good for you.

D
Posted By: CanBird XH Brother/ BIL wants to Talk - 01/11/21 09:06 AM
Today D4 had a few moments of sadness. At times, she's a ball of emotions; Covid doesn't make things easier. One moment she's happy, then in a rage, when not getting her way, then crying, stomping off. (she's thrown things, luckily they have been soft things, a few not so soft. She gets told, it's not okay to throw anything at anybody.)

D4:.."I just need alone time...".... So she took a self-time out, sat in the big glider chair in her room. I looked in on her and she was hugging a framed family photo of the 3 of us. It broke my heart. I came in and kneeled down in front of her, and she was crying. That almost stopped my heart.

D4: "It's just that... ...it's all new for me. I have all these feelings that I've never had before".

I told her I feel that way too sometimes, and how it's so important to let those feelings out, to talk to mommy or (other family or friends) and get hugs if you need them or cry. It's all okay it is new and confusing. YOU are SO loved. Remember that. And everyone that loves you may not be here in this room, but we can call them anytime. (or video etc etc)...

D4: "I miss daddy". Me: "Do you want to call him or leave a video msg? Whatever you want. D4: "No".
Me: "Do you want to call anyone else? Maybe ... G or A, or uncle? D4: "Yes,,, I want to call uncle. Not right now, but later. I want to go outside for awhile."

Uncle is XH brother/BIL. We txt him first (as we do with everyone, to see if they are available) then D4 talked to him. She does fine on the phone alone, I'm always within ear shot, but I give her space. I did have to take over for a second when she started talking to her uncle about mommy & daddy being divorced.

Me to BIL: "Hi... yeah, so we had the talk...... she gets it mostly, fine with it... for a 4 yr old....
BIL: "I haven't heard anything from him..."
Me: "Well,..... if you ever want to talk, I'm available anytime..."
BIL: "Yeah, I'd like that..."
Me: "Okay. We'll talk more, but here's D4 back okay.."

As they finished their conversation and I could tell that a weight had come off her shoulders. I sat with her and they shared all the family and friends they know that are divorced. For a 4yr old, she is so mature for her age.

D4 to BIL: "Well, you know, I'm not the only kid with divorced parents... and that's okay smile " With a smile she says it.

SO proud of her. It's only been a week since I broke the news to her about her dad. So many questions and a lot that I don't have answers too. Or the truth of what I do know isn't appropriate at this time. For now, we both wonder where he is and we are not the only ones that wonder.

After D4 finished with BIL, I let him know when I would be able to talk more freely with him, and we plan to do so in a few days.

BIL said he's pizzd at XH. "He ghosted me all last year, and I told him, if you're going to go anywhere, just tell me! I haven't heard ANYTHING from him! I want to know what's going on!"

Me: "I know... and pls know that you're not alone, you're not the only one."

I'm looking forward to having an open conversation with BIL. I don't know what I can tell him that he doesn't already know, (i.e. XH is REALLY hard to get a hold of! But everyone is feeling that). but I'm sure interested in hearing what he has to say and I feel like this is a conversation that's way over due, because we both care about XH. I don't hate him, I dislike what he did and is doing, but I'm not a hater.

Ps- All other ducks are getting along swimmingly smile And I'm still sitting on one egg wink

Stay tuned.....
Posted By: 97Hope Re: XH Brother/ BIL wants to Talk - 01/11/21 01:17 PM
Hi Can!

You have really been kicking it and taking names!

I'm sorry your sitch has taken this turn but you have used it to focus on your D4 and sound strong.

Keep it up!
Posted By: DnJ Re: XH Brother/ BIL wants to Talk - 01/11/21 03:07 PM
Well done mommy.

And uncle was spot on to list all the other kids they know with divorced parents. D4 is not alone with her feelings. She realized it’s ok; which is a very good thing.

D
Posted By: kml Re: XH Brother/ BIL wants to Talk - 01/11/21 05:25 PM
She's a very smart little cookie. ((((Hug)))) Really, it tells you all you need to know about your ex, that he's willing to put his desires above those needs of his daughter. Coward.
Posted By: CanBird Re: XH Brother/ BIL wants to Talk - 01/12/21 11:32 PM
97Hope: Thank you! Kicking it and taking names..lol… I have the word SUCCESS written on my fridge to keep me motivated. And D4 is a HUGE reason why I keep going.

DnJ: Thank you. Yes D4’s uncle was spot on to list all the other kids that have divorced parents, including himself (and those divorced parents both remarried). D4 continues to share how she’s struggling with the newness of divorce, and the confusion of why daddy hasn’t visited. She’s very articulate in expressing herself, is now understanding it’s okay to feel what you feel, BUT we NEVER get physical or throw things. Tell me when you feel your “volcano” erupting and walk away if you need to. And I do the same. *This is a whole other issue I’m dealing with, one day at a time.*

kml: Thank you for the (((( hug)))). Yes, she REALLY is a smart cookie. I think she’s slowly putting the picture of XH together and is definitely forming an opinion about it.

-Why doesn’t daddy want to visit his little girl? That’s a good question.

*My go to answer is…. Daddy is travelling. He’s gone somewhere, and we’re not really sure where.*
Should of set my expectations at zero. But whatever. At least the door for conversation is open.

I was busy helping a friend this morning and let BIL know that I'd text later when free. I don't have D4 today, so it would be the perfect time to speak about XH. I text BIL when I was finished up, and haven't heard a peep. Oh well. The man does have a life...lol...Let's hope all is well. As I said, the door is open and he can reach out if he wants to.

VENT....BIG pet peeve of mine is when people don't reply back.. In this day and age, with a certain generation that is so plugged in,.... Or you get the lame excuse,...Oh...I didn't see it.... end of vent....

I've been thinking more and more of how to go about contacting XH... when all my ducks are in a row, and I want to proceed with my plan... (of buying him out), My normal/go to way of contacting him has always been email, then whats App, then regular text. And he NEVER reply in the same day. The norm is 5-7 days, if he replies at all.

How do you deal? It drives me crazy, and maybe he knows this. Perhaps the subject matter of "the house", will entice him to communicate more frequently. Any suggestions? He doesn't respond to emails. At the least he'll take action on the request, but I have to check/follow up other sources to figure things out. A nice email reply would be so easy. But MLC's are not the best a communication are they. My XH is proving to be very selfish.

I think I'm done venting... welll, maybe just a little more... I'm totally convinced XH is in some sort of trouble. Here I go again, wondering where or what he's up to. Guess with D4 asking me, and BIL (and everyone in the family wondering), it's hard to separate ones self from the MLC. Who knows, maybe XH contacted his brother today, and that's the reason I haven't heard from BIL today..lol..

Okay... back to doing other things ....

Take care friends.
I don't know why you would assume your ex is in some kind of trouble rather than just being MLC selfish.
Hello Can

Originally Posted by CanBird
D4 continues to share how she’s struggling with the newness of divorce, and the confusion of why daddy hasn’t visited. She’s very articulate in expressing herself, is now understanding it’s okay to feel what you feel, BUT we NEVER get physical or throw things. Tell me when you feel your “volcano” erupting and walk away if you need to.

I would suggest a modification to the expressing of D4’s feelings.

“It’s okay to feel what you feel. And at times it’s ok to get physical, or even throw things smile , which we will do in a safe proper manner; never at other people. Because sometimes we do need to vent those feelings.”

Physical exertion releases our pent up frustrations and anger. A punching bag, yard work, and other “sweat it out” activities are good for us adults. D4 obviously requires supervision and I’m sure you can come up with appropriate activities. Running, jumping, throwing something heavy, etc.

Kids do calm rather quickly. This is just another tool we can employ when dealing with things beyond our/their control. Hitting and fighting were never allowed with my kids. Of course, those things did happen between them, and there were consequences. They are kids, not angels, after all. Lol. Most times just being alone for a while did the trick. And other times various tree stumps got beat up pretty good with a stick. smile

D
Originally Posted by kml
I don't know why you would assume your ex is in some kind of trouble rather than just being MLC selfish.


Oh he's selfish alright, 100%. I assume xh is in trouble because I don't know anything; don't know better. I'm listening to what his family says & they haven't heard from him in months either.

Thank you kml for pointing out the truth that I do know. Xh is selfish and in MLC. I care about his well being, but do have to remember he's choosing to "ghost" all of his family.
Originally Posted by DnJ
Hello Can

Originally Posted by CanBird
D4 continues to share how she’s struggling with the newness of divorce, and the confusion of why daddy hasn’t visited. She’s very articulate in expressing herself, is now understanding it’s okay to feel what you feel, BUT we NEVER get physical or throw things. Tell me when you feel your “volcano” erupting and walk away if you need to.

I would suggest a modification to the expressing of D4’s feelings.

“It’s okay to feel what you feel. And at times it’s ok to get physical, or even throw things smile , which we will do in a safe proper manner; never at other people. Because sometimes we do need to vent those feelings.”

Physical exertion releases our pent up frustrations and anger. A punching bag, yard work, and other “sweat it out” activities are good for us adults. D4 obviously requires supervision and I’m sure you can come up with appropriate activities. Running, jumping, throwing something heavy, etc.

Kids do calm rather quickly. This is just another tool we can employ when dealing with things beyond our/their control. Hitting and fighting were never allowed with my kids. Of course, those things did happen between them, and there were consequences. They are kids, not angels, after all. Lol. Most times just being alone for a while did the trick. And other times various tree stumps got beat up pretty good with a stick. smile

D


Great suggestions. Appreciate them.
Posted By: CanBird BIL update - 01/13/21 08:57 AM
BIL text me, want to know is I'm available Friday.

He can do the reaching out.

Zero expectations
Posted By: job Re: BIL update - 01/13/21 02:36 PM
CanBird,

I wouldn't be too concerned about your xh being missing in action in not responding right a way. Their minds are mush and whatever they are doing that keeps them focused on it, that will always override any communications that they should have w/us. They can only focus on one thing at a time and time slips away so quickly and they don't realize it because their clock is moving very, very slowly. Besides, if it's not about money, he will take his time in responding.

My xh use to drive me nuts w/that missing in action stuff until I realized that there was no point in getting angry about it. However, what really bugged me is when he posted to me, he expected an answer right away. Well, after I saw what he was doing when it came to responding back to me....I began to slow my responses down back to him.

Try to remember...they are living in another world and trust me...he's okay. God is watching over him. Do not allow his behavior stir up your anger. Keep the focus on you and your daughter. Right now, your daughter needs you more than ever to reassure her about the situation.

Good luck talking to your x-bil.
Posted By: kml Re: BIL update - 01/13/21 06:05 PM
As for the BIL - just remember, blood is thicker than water. Sometimes in-laws are helpful but more often than not their primary allegiance remains with their relative, and they can turn on a dime or just decide to believe whatever BS their relative tells them about you. Watch what you say and don't say anything that you wouldn't want to get back to your ex. It's ok to be blunt about his affair, when it started, and him ghosting your child. But think strategically if what you say might result in your ex being less cooperative.
Posted By: 97Hope Re: BIL update - 01/13/21 11:50 PM
Originally Posted by kml
As for the BIL - just remember, blood is thicker than water. Sometimes in-laws are helpful but more often than not their primary allegiance remains with their relative, and they can turn on a dime or just decide to believe whatever BS their relative tells them about you. Watch what you say and don't say anything that you wouldn't want to get back to your ex. It's ok to be blunt about his affair, when it started, and him ghosting your child. But think strategically if what you say might result in your ex being less cooperative.



This!! It happened to me from my XMIL - she was never unkind to me but in the beginning she wanted to remain close, she promised to be there for me...she didn't understand her own son...

She believed that when she said it but in the end, I haven't spoken to her since this all went down. I've seen her at grandkids events and she's very sweet, but definitely there for her son. And that's ok. She's his mom.

You never really know - so assume BIL will be on his side - even when it doesn't make sense. xx
Posted By: CanBird Re: BIL update - 01/15/21 09:13 AM
Job: Thank you for you post. You’re right, shouldn’t be too concerned with xh’s actions or lack of interaction for that matter. I’m guilty of having a wondering mind, especially after talking to friends or family. And there’s still a lot I don’t know about MLC, and being the LBS. Think my XH is leaning towards the WAS category too. Yes, they are definitely living in another world. Heck, my D4 says her dad is in NeverLand all the time… not to far off from the truth right? We just laugh it off, I don’t encourage it, I do journal it though.

kml: Looking forward to talking to BIL. I think it will be good for both of us. Think I’ll follow his lead when it comes to talking about the affair. I’ve seen txt msg between xh & BIL talking about the ow/xgf. So I know the affair is out in the open with brother. The ghosting of his child is difficult for me to talk about. And I think that sticking to the facts, xh hasn’t reached out to D4 since Dec. 25th, says a lot. I get there’s a pandemic happening, but he’s showing nothing but selfishness by not attempting to contact his daughter. Shameful.

97Hope: Boys stick together no matter what right. Yeah, I feel like the support I have with xh family has shifted. It’s still there, more for D4 I’m sure. If we had no children, I don’t think the arms would be as open, but who knows, they are really sweet people. XH parents have been divorced for years (they were never married) and they’ve remained friends and get together at functions, both wives are friends… mind you, there were other marriages too, but the point being is both parents and their partners are all cordial, for the kids and grandkids, and the x’s too. We’ll see how it all plays out.
Posted By: CanBird What She Said & What He Might Say - 01/15/21 09:44 AM
D4 said the funniest thing at the playground today. I was embarrassed at first, but kids will be kids. When we arrived there was just a dad with his little son playing. D4 is not shy, never has been. Another Dad & little boy show up. WOW I thought, is there a dad group meeting up? Is today my lucky day? Are they divorced dad's? Maybe single uncles? Yeah, of COURSE my mind went there..lol...anyway... D4 yells, "ICE CREAM!" and the little boys come running! She's pretending of course, and they all start pretending. Dad #1 really gets into it. Love when a parent isn't afraid to just play and have fun. D4 at one point goes right up to Dad #1 (who is by my standards cute), and says, "My mom is divorced. (OMG! Is my kid really saying this! ) "She's not married to my dad any more. Not sure when I'll see him." (I froze and didn't know what to say other than...Thanks for sharing sweety). Dad#1 says to D4, "Well my dad didn't live with me, and that's okay". D4 said, "Yeah, that's okay".

WOW Dad#1! That was such a nice moment. I didn't engage in too much conversation with the guy, just normal parent chit chat, but barley any. I didn't want to come off too chatty. I enjoyed watching him interact with the kids. Some parents don't interact with their kids when they play. I mean, I do sit and watch her be a kid, but I'm there to have fun with her too. Anyway, nice to see a dad play and be a kid with their kid. And then they said bye and went to Target. We stayed a bit longer then headed out as well. Nice rest of the afternoon followed.

So that was what she said....

What might BIL say tomorrow? The question is will BIL reach out tomorrow? We'll see. I've got a list of things to get to tomorrow, so my phone will be close by. When someone asks when I'm available (and he asked), I tell them, and I make myself available.

Good night all.
Posted By: 97Hope Re: What She Said & What He Might Say - 01/15/21 03:18 PM
CanB, your D4 is absolutely precious!! LOL

I'm only a little concerned about your expectations for convo with BIL.

Maybe have zero expectations? In-laws are tricky (as we've previously discussed) and you might think you will get some comfort from him since he's H's family - but that takes time to see where the dust settles.

Some people might seem very supportive and understanding at first - and switch over - and it can also happen in the reverse.

You have come so far and grown so much! Hope you are able to continue to enjoy your sweet D4 and not put too many eggs in the BIL basket.

((canB))
Posted By: CanBird Re: What She Said & What He Might Say - 01/15/21 05:14 PM
Originally Posted by 97Hope
CanB, your D4 is absolutely precious!! LOL

I'm only a little concerned about your expectations for convo with BIL.

Maybe have zero expectations? In-laws are tricky (as we've previously discussed) and you might think you will get some comfort from him since he's H's family - but that takes time to see where the dust settles.

Some people might seem very supportive and understanding at first - and switch over - and it can also happen in the reverse.

You have come so far and grown so much! Hope you are able to continue to enjoy your sweet D4 and not put too many eggs in the BIL basket.

((canB))



Oh gosh, yes ZERO expectations. No need for concern, but thank you. (((97Hope ))) I'm glad you put those two words here for me to read this morning. Time for me to buy some sticky notes! I do need these reminders from time to time... you'd think I'd be an expert at this stuff by now, but really there's a lot of unchartered territory I've yet to experience in this journey.

Any growing that I've done is truly with the help of you all here, and the friends and family I finally confided in. My family, D4 and I come first. I think I need to do some good old journaling today. So much to add with what's going on in the world, never mind my own life! WOW.

It's a wild world....
Posted By: OwnIt Re: What She Said & What He Might Say - 01/15/21 10:12 PM
Can, following along and hoping you get things resolved so you can keep the house. Enjoy the precious time with D4 before the tween years come. In time you will be glad to have a vanisher. There really are worse types.
Posted By: 97Hope Re: What She Said & What He Might Say - 01/15/21 11:51 PM
Glad it helped. I sometimes worry about commenting because I can come across a little pushy! (and biased of course)

Like OwnIt said - enjoy that young lady! My baby is 19 and 1st year at Uni. I miss those days, but I know it's hard. You are a strong woman holding it all together!!
Posted By: CanBird Re: What She Said & What He Might Say - 01/16/21 06:09 PM
OwnIt: Thank you for your msg ((( ))) waiting things out is the hardest part. Thank goodness for D4. Enjoy these days with her. The tween years scare me! She very smart, and can be a tad sassy, but good for the most part. Under the circumstances, blessed that we are so close. SHE's my motivation to keep going and succeed at whatever I do.

97Hope: You are not pushy in the least bit and it's your opinion anyways. Come as you are I say smile As much as we all need the comfort of friends, we also need tough love. Keep your comments coming. (( )) for the strong woman words. Means a lot. You're baby is doing year 1 of Uni! You must be proud. Mine will be doing Kindergarten in the fall. Well see how that goes...hopefully it'll be safe enough for her to go in person.
Posted By: CanBird Yesterday Came And Went - 01/16/21 07:06 PM
Zero Expectations. That's one of the "Golden Rules" here. Thank you for those that reminded me to keep that in mind.
I heard ZERO from BIL, and that's okay. Sure, I'm a wee bit disappointed, but having set my expectations bar at zero, that wee disappointment was just a little drop in the bucket. The bucket with a holes..lol...

Yesterday D4 had "school"/daycare so it was mommy day! And what did I do? I made a list for myself and worked through it. Picture that iconic 1940's War Time poster... that's me (Rosie the Riveter/We Can Do it)...but blond..lol.

First on the list was to replace the power window and mirror switches in my truck. THANK GOODNESS for the internet! My A/C has been broken for awhile too, but it's a bit too complicated for me...lol.. I know my limits..

Next on the list was to get on a ladder and look at the roof. Last monsoon rainfall we had, it was dripping through the top of a sliding door. More like a pouring. Luckily at the time, I was able to "MacGyver" something to divert the water after it started. That'll need to be fixed asap and not by me.. While up on the ladder, I cleaned out the gutter, that wasn't on my list, but I should be doing this monthly really, at least checking.

One item on the list didn't get done, was to get a safety on the 2nd vehicle. Thankful I can drive it per agreement if needed, and I have needed to. Any way, it's an older Jeep and has modifications done to it, and won't pass safety without addressing them... UGH.... change the tires to smaller or widen the fenders so they cover the wider tires. ARE YOU KIDDING me that this matters? UGH.. I have sometime to remedy this, but did not expect this challenge to come up. Oh well. Good distraction. Thank you Universe for this one...lol...

Other items on my exciting list included laundry (towels: far too many), and cleaning the oven (self cleaning! 3.4 hrs!).

Although I didn't talk to the person I was hoping to, I did talk to my one and only sister. Her and my father are not talking again. It's been like this all their lives. The latest reason: sister sold our childhood home that was given to her by our father (our mom died a few years ago). Sister told our dad she was doing so, and he said it's yours to do what you want. What he never did, and he is regretful of this, was to write conditions out if she did sell it. The proceeds get split between her and I. Any way, she sold the house that was given to her and made a huge profit which is "tied up for a few years in investments". My father is angry with himself and angry at my sister for not sharing her profits with me. Her and I have talked about my situation and at first she said she would try to help, but now her tune is "wish I could... it's tied up...I need to buy a house too...." She shard with me her and her longtime bf have been talking about going on a trip... so much for her money being tied up. As we talked, I shared a bit of my struggles with her, but I didn't come right out and ask for her help. She just kept saying, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I know I should just ASK for help. Guess I figure if she could, she would offer.

After school fun with D4 and I was taking her out to have pizza and practicing her peddle bike! She's only ever had balance bikes, which I highly recommend, never had training wheels. She can peddle on her own for a bit, but the bike she has is a bit too big and heavier than she's use too. *The bike was free. Her & I fixed it up. That was fun! Mom loves showing my girl how to change bike tires. She likes to pretend with the tools. it's cute.* So proud she's getting it! Going to stick to her current glider and keep up with the peddle lessons. She'll grow into it in no time.

That was yesterday. We'll see how the rest of the weekend goes.

Be Safe Everyone smile
Posted By: 97Hope Re: Yesterday Came And Went - 01/16/21 07:32 PM
You CAN do it!! lol See what I did there??

I love this post soooo much!! I agree - youtube is amazing. I jokingly referred to is as my new boyfriend.

It's empowering when you can fix things on your own (especially if you had an H that took care of that stuff.)

I remember replacing the garbage disposal and you would have thought I assembled my own spaceship and flew to the moon I was so proud of myself!

Continue to empower yourself. It will pay out with dividends!!

Re: sister sold house. Well that just stinks. I'm sorry. But I know you will get through whether she helps or not (and from reading this it sounds like not).

Stay strong CanBird! Ca-Caw!
Posted By: CanBird Re: Yesterday Came And Went - 01/17/21 07:02 PM
Hope...you're funny... I totally get it... we share the same sense of humor... love it ..and YouTube the new boyfriend..HA! That's the best! Totally using that...

I didn't build any space ships but I did take care of the vehicle modifications and WOW! to think I was going to call on another man, when my "boyfriend..YT..." was totally there to help. Such a good job, I wanted to take photos and share with the world! I shared with one person..lol... EMPOWERING!!

Re: sister: I don't really know if I'll come to ask her for help. I know my dad wants me to, and I feel uncomfortable asking, but that's a problem I have: Asking for help. All I can do is ask... and she can say yes or no... more like I'd like to but I can't. I'm not counting on her. Love her, because she's my sister, but she's never been my rock.

Ca-CAW! (( hugs))

Have a great day smile
Posted By: 97Hope Re: Yesterday Came And Went - 01/17/21 08:14 PM
I don't know if you watched "Blades of Glory" but I was thinking of...

"Hey, help yourself to the YouTube all you want, but don’t even look at the Verticoli."

Maybe it could be a good practice for your assertiveness. Asking for help.

What would you tell me to do?
Posted By: Gerda Re: Yesterday Came And Went - 01/17/21 08:15 PM
CanB, I don't understand this stuff about your sister. She took your family's house and then sold it and kept all the money? How is asking for your share asking for help? You don't need her help, just like you don't need H's help. You just need your share. Why isn't your dad insisting that you get your share? That money could allow you to keep your house! Why isn't your family being supportive of you at this time?

(My family isn't supportive at all, financially. But it is what families should do, so don't get confused. I have several friends whose parents bought out the ex-spouse's share of the house so that the LBS and kids could stay there without having to go to court.)

I battled and battle fear quite a lot, some kind of shame, that I am in the way, that I don't have the right. You often have those feelings with your H, BIL, boss, etc. Me too.

Maybe I am missing something about the story, and I wouldn't take her to court or anything like that, but I would most certainly stand up for yourself.

Hey, Sister, how are things out your way today? Hope all is good!

Congrats on selling the house! Hooray! I want to make sure I get my half as quickly as possible, I really need it right now as I start my new life and make sure that D has a stable place to live. Feel free to take a credit for whatever you spent on improvements or other selling costs. Let me know if you want my routing number or how you want to do it. I'd like to get it into my account by X so I can prequalify for a refinance. Thanks and talk to you soon! Say Hi to BF! Love, CanB.
Posted By: DnJ Re: Yesterday Came And Went - 01/17/21 09:12 PM
Hello Can

I had similar questions as Gerda of the sale of the childhood home and not sharing of the profits. Her suggestion to be more forthright is a good one. Splitting the house sale does sound like what your father wanted and wants. However, a deal is only as good as the paper it is written upon. I suspect the gifting of the house to sister was better documented and the future sharing was left to her goodwill. Sister not speaking with her Dad over this issue says volumes.

Asking is an interesting mindset and is often not actually what one is doing. Asking implies you are willing to accept the answer - yes or no. Most times people ask to be polite, when really they are telling or demanding. Don’t read too much harshness into “demanding” or “telling”, it is the accurate mindset here. Tell her your view and your expectations.

Yes, it is an expectation. And yes, resentment will rise if/when it goes unmet. You only control you. She controls herself. Politely tell her, and see what arrangements she can make and her required timeframe. People will treat us as we allow.

D
Posted By: CanBird Re: Yesterday Came And Went - 01/18/21 08:20 AM
Originally Posted by 97Hope
I don't know if you watched "Blades of Glory" but I was thinking of...

"Hey, help yourself to the YouTube all you want, but don’t even look at the Verticoli."

Maybe it could be a good practice for your assertiveness. Asking for help.

What would you tell me to do?





Hilarious.. I know the movie but didn't remember that clip...Funny....

I'm getting better at asking for help, it's a pride thing. What would I tell you? It depends on what kind of help you're asking for, but yes being assertive is a big part of it. I try to take care of things myself, and when I can't I do ask for help.
I've never had to ask for financial help. Asking my dad is one thing, asking my sister who has never had money is another story, which I will go into in reply to Gerda...
Posted By: CanBird Re: Yesterday Came And Went - 01/18/21 10:18 AM
Hi Gerda.

Originally Posted by Gerda
CanB, I don't understand this stuff about your sister. She took your family's house and then sold it and kept all the money?


Nine years ago, our mother died. My dad eventually put the family home up for sale. My sister was going through a "hard time" with her Longtime boyfriend, and was looking to leave him. My dad wanted to help her (again... he's always helped her). My father took the family home off the market and gave it to my sister. Basically, here's a house that's paid for. It's yours. Pay property tax and bills. It's yours. Do what you want. She got a FREE house. At the time, my dad never put anything in writing regarding giving her the house (ie... if you sell the family house, your sister gets half). And that brings us to sister selling the house. She told my dad she was going to sell it and he's told me this as well, it's her house, she can do what she wants. Still, nothing in writing. He asked her if she was sure it was the right thing to do, and what would she do buy again? **These two have argued all their lives, to the point where police get called. Dad means well, but he has a harsh tone. Can be a bit of an "Archie Bunker" kind of guy. He's always been hard on her, and I don't know why; they've always butted heads**. She sold the house. My dad congratulated her, and asked if she was going to give me half. My sister's reply, "But you said it was my house and I could do what I wanted with it".... My father has begged and pleaded with her to give me something, and told her my situation. The REALLY got into it, boyfriend always gives his two cents, and unfortunetly the 18y old grandson had to hear this. They all asked my dad to leave. One at a time asked him to leave the house. My dad wrote my sister a letter, he admitted he made a mistake about not putting something in writing. My dad feels horrible, he's really mad/disappointed in himself for not putting something in writing. And at the same time, he can't believe after all he's done for my sister over the years, she hasn't offered me anything.



Originally Posted by Gerda
How is asking for your share asking for help? You don't need her help, just like you don't need H's help. You just need your share. Why isn't your dad insisting that you get your share? That money could allow you to keep your house! Why isn't your family being supportive of you at this time?(My family isn't supportive at all, financially. But it is what families should do, so don't get confused. I have several friends whose parents bought out the ex-spouse's share of the house so that the LBS and kids could stay there without having to go to court.)


I've talked with my sister about her sale of the house. I don't expect anything, but I did ask her, if I need help, can I ask you. *I didn't know how else to talk about it*. Asking for "My Share" didn't seem right, but I get what you're saying. At the time, she said yes, of course, but "It's tied up in funds for the next 1-5 or may it's 1-3 years.... she'll have to talk to the lawyer about it.... there's penalties...." I shared this with my father, and he thinks she's full of it. And then she shares that they plan to move to the East Coast (currently living central part of Canada. She and bf don't work; on long term disability).

My dad HAS insisted that I get my share, as stated above. He's is very supportive, and is willing to help me however he can. He feels terrible and I'm giving you the sugar coated version, he usually curses at himself, for not putting something in writing. I'm sure he has sleepless nights over it. Whatever one gets the other one gets. You help family, no matter what. He helps everyone out. The grandkids too. But my sister, and her partner/boyfriend of 20 +yrs, have other plans. I'm sure he has A Lot to say in this... like f them. I know he thinks I'm a princess, and my own sister has said I've got it made ...no worries (that was before the divorce), things have changed. I'm doing the best I can and I have the support of my father for everything. And other family are there emotionally. That is all I expect, is to have my family there to be there emotionally. If they can help in any other way, then great. Money is a hard thing for me to ask for.



Originally Posted by Gerda
I battled and battle fear quite a lot, some kind of shame, that I am in the way, that I don't have the right. You often have those feelings with your H, BIL, boss, etc. Me too.

Maybe I am missing something about the story, and I wouldn't take her to court or anything like that, but I would most certainly stand up for yourself. [quote=Gerda]

Yeah, I have internal battles. Maybe it's my ADHD? ( I have ADHD). This MLC/Divorce has heightened my stress/anxiety to levels I didn't think we're possible and the pandemic too. I've been told I'm too kind/nice. I don't like to rock the boat. Maybe a door mat? Too passive? There's a lot going on in my head. I don't want to burden or bother anyone with my problems. Is that shame? I guess it could be.



What Gerda would say as CanBird... smile

[quote=Gerda]
Hey, Sister, how are things out your way today? Hope all is good!

Congrats on selling the house! Hooray! I want to make sure I get my half as quickly as possible, I really need it right now as I start my new life and make sure that D has a stable place to live. Feel free to take a credit for whatever you spent on improvements or other selling costs. Let me know if you want my routing number or how you want to do it. I'd like to get it into my account by X so I can prequalify for a refinance. Thanks and talk to you soon! Say Hi to BF! Love, CanB.


The house sold in November. I was never brought into the conversation before it went on the market or after. My dad was the one who filled me in on the details. I called and congratulated her, and we had a discussion, mentioned above... she was upset, crying because of the argument her and my dad got in...asked me if I was going to lose my house... I said not at the moment, but there may come I time when I need help.,... can I call you and ask you for help if I need it? And she said yes... but it's tied up.... OH and she needs a to buy a house too.

Yes, I've got to figure out what to say to her. She knows my situation. Like Rolling Stones say, "You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need".

Thank you Gerda
Posted By: CanBird Re: Yesterday Came And Went - 01/18/21 10:29 AM
Hello D,


Originally Posted by DnJ
Hello Can

I had similar questions as Gerda of the sale of the childhood home and not sharing of the profits. Her suggestion to be more forthright is a good one. Splitting the house sale does sound like what your father wanted and wants. However, a deal is only as good as the paper it is written upon. I suspect the gifting of the house to sister was better documented and the future sharing was left to her goodwill. Sister not speaking with her Dad over this issue says volumes.


You suspected right. House was gifted to sister, nothing documented. Father wants sister to split sales profit, sister is doing what she wants because she was told "It's your house, do whatever you want".


Originally Posted by DnJ
Asking is an interesting mindset and is often not actually what one is doing. Asking implies you are willing to accept the answer - yes or no. Most times people ask to be polite, when really they are telling or demanding. Don’t read too much harshness into “demanding” or “telling”, it is the accurate mindset here. Tell her your view and your expectations.

Yes, it is an expectation. And yes, resentment will rise if/when it goes unmet. You only control you. She controls herself. Politely tell her, and see what arrangements she can make and her required timeframe. People will treat us as we allow.


D, you have such a way with words, as does Gerda. I will use what you've both said and figure out what comes off best for me.

Thanks for the advice.
Posted By: CanBird Lucky To Have Neighbors That Care - 01/19/21 08:24 AM
Journaling... It's been raining, flash-flood warnings (torrential downpours) for the last couple of days & nights. I've got a sliding door that's had water dripping from it. Never a good thing when water comes in. I got up on the ladder to see what I could see... didn't go on the roof.. but knew it needed to be looked at. In the meantime I used some caulking to fill in gaps where water was dripping from outside. Well, that didn't do anything.. Water came in last night. I took a video and had already placed buckets to catch water and MacGyverd something outside to keep water out. I did eventually stop, which was weird, because the rain hasn't stopped...

I text 2 of my neighbors that are handy. I have no problem calling these handy guys up. We take care of each other. Well, they help me out...lol... any way, one came over today, while the rain was just a pouring. I showed him the problem, and he was on my roof in a matter of seconds to trouble shoot the source. And BAM! He found a nail that was sticking up. The house has solar hot water for the house and pool, and regular solar panels. LOTS going on up there. A lot of dirt had built up, and water wasn't able to drain properly. Neighbor was barefoot, on the roof, getting soaked and he power hosed/cleaned the dirt & debris, made it so water could flow. He'll be back to patch up around nails and anything else. HOW AMAZING is that! I'm SO lucky to have neighbors like this. When they say CALL ANYTIME, I do not hesitate.

That was the high point in my day. Besides that, D4 had a perfect dental appointment. She LOVES going to see doctor's of any kind. SERIOUSLY loves it. We then started watching the Star Wars movies. She's right into it. Our friend lent us almost all of them. We've seen the first two, Return of the Jedi will be next. D4 does the best Darth Vedor impression.
Posted By: AndrewP Re: Lucky To Have Neighbors That Care - 01/19/21 02:10 PM
Years ago there was an older lady who lived alone in the house next door. She had problems with ice and water building up on her roof and I would go over a couple of times each winter to clear it off for her.

She made great deviled eggs. My wife would be annoyed because she also had no idea of the standard serving of whiskey and would give me a big water glass full while we visited after I cleared her roof off.

Roofs are generally not designed to have water lay on them - smart thinking of your neighbour. Water leaks are tricky because where the water comes out can often be far away from where it comes in.
Posted By: job Re: Lucky To Have Neighbors That Care - 01/19/21 03:13 PM
I am so glad that your neighbors are close by and will help you out. Leaks are nothing to play with and the damage they cause can be rather costly. Hopefully, you just need some minor repairs when it clears up.
Posted By: 97Hope Re: Lucky To Have Neighbors That Care - 01/19/21 05:43 PM
What a blessing to have the help!!!

Google the videos of the little girl who LOVES Darth Vader. lol IDK why but the picture of your D4 in my head is that personality!! I was a peds dental assistant - kids like yours were such a JOY! <3
The Dark Side of Today: If you've been following along, one of my ducks at the end of 2020 was getting XH to sign a 3rd party authorization form for the mortgage. (It's in forbearance) I got that letter, (it took 8 days and a lot of msgs.. and I spoke to the agency Dec 31, 2020.

Fast forward today. I got a 2 letters in the mail from the mortgage agency; one dated Dec 23, 2020 and the other Dated January 6, 2021. *Mail from them is SO behind it's crazy*. I had a question, so I called. And apparently, I don't have authorization! YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!!!!! I was livid. I get that if the agent on the phone feels they should discuss things, they don't. This agent didn't see any authorization on file. WHAT? She did not want to say anything that might get her in trouble. UGH... I told my story. Email was sent for authorization in the late evening of Dec 30th, and I was cc'd on it. Early the next day, Dec. 31st, because I was granted FULL authorization, I was able to speak to an agent, in detail. I have 4 pages of notes! And now, one of the letters that came in the mail, dated January 6th, 2021 has both our names on it. THAT means BOTH of us have authorization. I don't understand why this agent couldn't find what she needed in order to answer my questions. She claims it was only for that day. However, THAT isn't how the letter is written, to get permission for one day.. I wrote the letter, I was cc'd on it. I talked to someone that got the letter. I've a letter from the mortgage agency that has both our names on it. I just about lost it on this lady. I might have had a harsh tone with her, and apologized, but I just didn't understand HOW or WHY this happened.

A few things she had to say: Is @@ there? Is he able to speak on the phone? Can he call us? Where is @@?
Have him call us and update his information with us. We don't even have an email address for him (THAT I find hard to believe... HE SENT THEM an email from his email address) How do we know the email address he used is his? (UGH... because his CONTACT information is on the authorization letter!! I know because I wrote it! UGH)

Any way. I called and left a voice msg with XH to call the mortgage people and I sent him emails on what he needed to to. I know he'll be huffing and puffing. (even if we we're still married this would have him in a huff ) I'm in a huff about it too, but my hands are tied.

I want nothing but for him to follow through, and contact me when he's spoken to them. Is that too much to ask? Last time it took 8 days for him to follow through, and he didn't even let me know he took action. I had to keep checking my emails.

The Bright Sides of today: I successfully modified the 2nd vehicle and it passed the safety inspection! I DID IT! Thank you YouTube!! And the other bright side was D4 organizing her room! She said it was looking messy so she was cleaning it up and organizing things.. The words and actions I've been longing for!!! Let's hope it sticks.


*I'm sure everything with the ducks will be okay. In the moment, it set me back to the dark side. Hopefully I will sleep tonight. I wish I would have bought wine or something today. Just for a night cap; I'm a light weight these days wink

Be safe my friends.
Good Morning Can

Your authorization tribulations sound very frustrating. Seriously, one single day of authorization? The agency should be able to sort this out. Good for you sending the necessary follow up requirements to XH. My fingers are crossed that he replies quickly and positively.

Congratulations on bring the vehicle up to spec. Did you extend the wheel flares or install narrower tires?

Wonderful that D4 organized and cleaned her room.

What Star Wars movie are you guys up to now?

D
Good Afternoon D. It's morning where I am.

**A lot of Venting. Grab a warm coco or coffee/tea...**

Yes, frustrating indeed. I called them again first thing this morning, and low and behold, I spoke to an agent; I do have authorization. Glad I called again (I'm the queen of following up. I get the job done. Fight the good fight!)

"Yes mam, you have authorization. I do apologize that you where unable to speak freely with an agent yesterday; not sure why that happened. It clearly states that you have authorization......"

During my conversation, I was able to get updated on a few things, like payments have been received. Also, I was updated that there was NO extension applied to our forbearance plan. WHAT? I called on Dec 31, 2020 and talked in length with an agent who SAID she extended it!! Needless to say, I was frustrated again. The agent "cleared things up", and gave me a confirmation number for the action taken. I asked her to email me SOMETHING and asked her to add both emails to the file so both XH & I would be informed on things... (I'm having a déjà vu moment....lol...). My number is the only one on file. XH doesn't answer his phone anyways...

I was polite with the agent as she was very helpful and thankfully knowledgeable. I've been in a customer service position and most phone calls are recorded, so I made a whole list of suggestions that the agency could do to insure better customer service, when it comes to dealing with 3rd party authorization. They all takes notes/make notes with each call. My suggestion was to put in BOLD letters that the person calling has authorization.

ie: AUTHORIZED caller CANBIRD ... that is how the notes should start. Then the next agent can clearly see that when they look at notes.


I emailed XH and politely let him know he did not need to do anything. *I panicked yesterday and perhaps jumped the gun with contacting XH, but what's done is done.*


Next subject: The vehicle! OH what fun! I extended the fenders. It was suggested by the safety guy on what I could do. ("A lot of guys use lawn edging and whatever to hold it in place") All it took was the plastic edging and some duct tape, and BAM! SO empowering to do it myself. The safety guy remembered me, and commented on the nice job I did...lol..

Regarding Star Wars, we've watched the first 2. Next up is "Return of the Jedi". Watching them in the order they were released. D4 is loving it. So happy when we can agree on what we watch.

May the Force Be With YOU wink
You're such a go-getter, I love to see it!
Posted By: CanBird Getting To the Root of the Problem - 01/22/21 09:41 PM
Quack Quack another one of my ducks.... (Ducks: things I'm working on). This duck is a tree. A clump of palm trees, that a friend removed for me. D4 and I helped. I got to use a sawzall for the first time; pretty cool. I also assisted in pulling down a few of the bigger ones... TIMBER!!! D4 helped by clearing away the small debris. Now that the trees are gone, I've got to deal with the ball of roots that are left. I know the species, and I've done my YouTube research (97Hope... I always think of your bf ..lol...)... I can see a lot of the root ball (imagine a ball with roots sticking out) so that's a good thing. I've got a garage of tools to hack at it with so this should be a fun project.

The sun is shinning, and it's yard work time! That stump isn't going anywhere, so it can wait a few beats. THIS is my zen, my outlet; doing the never ending yard work. I love it. I just zone out.

Have a great weekend friends.
Posted By: 97Hope Re: Getting To the Root of the Problem - 01/22/21 11:43 PM
ha! Ca-Caw!! Get it, girl!! YT is a good bf <3

I loved working on the ranch. I think i've missed that and have tried very hard in this down time not to become Mrs. Havisham. lol It's 'mostly' worked. I've been known to sing at the top of my lungs (terrible. bag of cats. poor neighbors)

I'm glad you have that outlet!

You sound strong and busy. Good stuff. Stay strong, Can! (((hugs)))
Journaling... **Be Kind... This may not seem like a big deal to some, but it's HUGE for me**

My heart my heart. I should be excited that I'm at the tipping point of seeing if I qualify for a loan. Due to Covid, things have been all done online/virtually. I'm reviewing the disclosure agreement and having a friend come over for moral support, to look at it with me. (The loan consultant of course, is available to answer any questions I have). Right now I just need a hand holding.

This is what I want. To qualify and buy XH out. THIS is the one of the ducks, so WHY is my heart pounding? Anxiety!
Again, it may not seem like a big deal to the reader reading this, but it's a BIG deal for me. (Be kind... I really can't take any negativity at this time).

I have not spoken to XH about the plans for the house, as I wanted to get my ducks in a row. Well, I think I need to contact him and start the conversation. I know what needs to happen (he needs to sign the house over to me. I buy him out and take over the loans). I might have to have a professional help me with this, although if I can do this all without spending more money I'll do it.

"Let's talk about the house." I don't want to talk to him over the phone, but I do want to start communication flowing on a regular basis, not periodically. If we are going to move forward, we have to communicate. SO frustrating. Maybe that's what's got me feeling anxious.

Who's got calming words or words of guidance here? Maybe I should get a real estate attorney to help? (when I have more money that is....)
Hello Can

Finances are important and as such come with anxiety. This is a big item on your path and list of things you want to do. I see a few items winding you up. First is will you qualify for a loan. This one I’m reasonable sure of. It’s the second that is more causing your heart racing, how much of a loan will you qualify for? This is a big deal, not for the money, for what it represents and allows. That is the third stressor, the next step along your path. Buying out XH. This is the biggest heart pounding source. How to get from here to there.

Originally Posted by CanBird
I have not spoken to XH about the plans for the house, as I wanted to get my ducks in a row.

Good. Get everything set and then proceed.

Originally Posted by CanBird
Well, I think I need to contact him and start the conversation.

Be patient.

Get all those ducks lined up. Then, with known variables, like the amount available to you, consider your next steps and moves. I’d hold off with a conversation with XH for a while. Get your loan. Get your strategy.

This is business. You are wanting to negotiating a buy out of the home from XH. Pure business deal, sans emotion.

Be patient. Find your calm and peace.

Originally Posted by CanBird
Maybe I should get a real estate attorney to help?

Yes. Speak to an attorney. Before speaking with XH. Add it to the loan amount if you need too. This is probably one of the largest financial deals you will make. Ensure you are forearmed and know your options.

I imagine a consult with a L at first. Just explaining what you are wanting to do. See what forms are required, what financial investigations are needed, liens and such. By the way, I would not limit myself to a real estate attorney. This is not just buying a new property. XH will have rights he will need to sign off for you to have sole ownership. I was pretty surprised at all the legal paperwork and entanglements XW had to sign away for her to get her lump sum and run off into her field of unicorns.

Then will all that set and information gained, contact XH.

From that point, it depends upon XH. Some suggestion/advice/encouragement - if they feel the proposal is their idea it has a much higher probability of being followed through with. How to do that? Again it depends. Some general rules/guidelines would be to not argue or attempt to force your view. The less you say, the more he will say. And knowledge is power.

Realize you do not need to buy him out right away. You have time. If he wants to take time to consider, let him. No pressure. No big deal. If he is pushing something that doesn’t sit right with you, take your time and wait until he alters his deal. It’s hard to know just how eager XH might be to settle the house issue. A lump sum is pretty enticing, especially for someone who doesn’t live there anymore.

Negotiating is a bit of a game. Actually it’s a lot like a game. Each side wanting something, and hiding what they are willing to offer. In truth, it’s more that they really do not know what they are willing to offer or settle for. You can leverage that.

Ensure you keep your information to yourself. Your playbook has your strategy - for you. My XW actually would come back from seeing her lawyer. Call me from OM’s house and tell me her L’s advice. She had barely any filter, for anything. She desperately wanted a quick divorce. My negotiating went well more from me being heartbroken and quiet, than any grand cunning strategy. Although looking back I do know one item - don’t lie. If you get caught in a lie it would be bad. Not to mention you have to live with yourself once this is finalized.

Of course you and XH are negotiating on the house. A current appraisal, or an agreed upon value, and things should be rather straightforward. Hopefully. Sign the paperwork, cut him a cheque, and done.

Be patient. It may take some time for him to get where you are. And in that lay another piece of advice. You cannot get him to advance this or get to where you are. He needs to go at his pace. He is the one who gets himself to the point of signing. Dragging him along doesn’t work. Let him lead you to where you already are. smile That’s the cunning part of negotiating.

I loved reading about the good time with the sawzall. Good for you. Zen-like and getting the yard in order. Up next cutting a bunch of roots and digging it out. I’m sure you and D4 will really like the results from the work.

D
Can, you do need a real estate attorney to draft an agreement, but it's nothing like the cost of a D attorney.

You can do this as a quitclaim thing or a sale -- you can ask a financial forensics guy to look at the tax implications for you. Capital gains will depend on the cost basis, so it may be better to do this as a sale of his share rather than a signing over based on the divorce. I've been looking into this and it's very complicated for me because I am not D. Since you already are, but you have joint ownership, you should make sure you understand the implications.

That said, to have the place to yourself without him, even if you have to sell it by yourself a year later, is worth a lot. I'd definitely suffer some money loss to get that in my own sitch.

P.S. I totally get the fear that people here will not be kind or will try to whack you with a 2x4, but this IS a big deal! You don't have to apologize for thinking it is! You SHOULD be that excited about refinancing your house by yourself . It makes me think again of you feeling that you are going to get in trouble in some way -- I mean I think of it because I am like this quite often. This is bona fide anxiety. Have you ever looked into that? There are simple exercises you can do to start recognizing anxiety so that you can mitigate its impact on you. I have found anxiety to be paralyzing in my own life and realizing that it was a bodily thing at least half the time I thought it was about my reality has helped me a lot.
(((CanBird)))) Everything Gerda as said. It's stressful refinancing/purchasing a home in a 'normal' situation. You are dealing with this during a critical point in your life, with an X that will. not. communicate.

Take a deep breath and know that you have support and friendship here and everyone here is on YOUR team!!

I'm wondering if your divorce is final? If not, can you get this buttoned up as part of the process? Must you refinance now?

My X had to buy me out and refinance - it was all a part of the negotiations of the D process.

I'm just wondering where you are as far as legally, what you can do so you don't need him to follow through. Given that he is horrible at communications.

You will conquer this like you have every other challenge you have faced. It might not be easy or without stress, but like Mufasa said "Remember who you aaarrrreee" ; )
Can, not sure why you think folks would not support that decision. Looks like a great one. It is great to get this taken care of early. Oh how I wish I had been able to tie up the legal end of things early on.

When you talk to someone re value of the property, keep in mind that he may not be thinking he needs half of the equity. Have in mind what is fair, what you are willing to pay, but also, before putting anything to him as a proposal, ask him what he feels like he needs to get out of the property. You may be pleasantly surprised. Guilt can take people interesting places, as DnJ's story shows. If he mentions an amount you are happy with, then it may be a pleasant and easy conversation. If he says something too high, then you can talk about the other factors and why it isn't warranted and that you want your D to grow up with as much stability as possible given the divorce and that he works so far away. Also, point out that he will always know where she is and have a good mental picture of her life. That may be important to him.

Also, for the payout, make sure it is either something you can bundle into the loan (if you are going for a lump sum payout--and interest rates will likely never be this low again), or something you can afford monthly and where you are covered. For example, given that he's already been squirrely with child support, now that you are working, could you agree to offset the child support against whatever payment you would make to him. That way, you don't have to worry about him not paying. If may not be a dollar for dollar set off, and if you can't swing it, then you can't do it, but it would be sure not to have to worry about having to collect that if need be.

Just some thoughts. You can do this. Look what you've already accomplished!!!

Main thing, don't assume the conversation will go badly. He wants the house issue resolved and this severs the last tie right? He may be happy to be past this easily.
Originally Posted by CanBird
Who's got calming words or words of guidance here? Maybe I should get a real estate attorney to help? (when I have more money that is....)
In my case I was able to (with my ex-wife's ageement) get some real-estate friends to provide an "opinion of value" which they were nice enough to do for free. Certainly cheaper than an actual appraisal.

I also went to my bank and asked to see what was the absolute maximum amount of money they would be willing to advance me on the house. They said that they would base their numbers on the assessed value which for me is significantly higher than the opinion of value.

I was obliged to disclose the opinion of value during negotiations but not my conversation with the bank (having good a good relationship with my bankers and insurance people was invaluable). My ex agreed with their numbers.

As OwnIt states - it's all negotiations. The standard process would have been that I would have given my ex 50% of the value of the home. Instead I bundled it as I think 80% of the value of the home combined with smaller support payment with a fixed end date. With minor modifications she agreed all while my lawyer was kicking me under the table whispering "take it take it take it". Because I had room and pre-approval from the bank - I was able to have a pretty free hand in sorting it all out.
Posted By: CanBird Ducks Are Happy, More Eggs & Other Stuff - 01/28/21 09:52 AM
Journaling:

Thank you D, Gerda, 97Hope, Ownit & AndrewP. I know, when I'm on here it's a safe place and I will find support. That day, I was really feeling extremely vulnerable. I appreciate all of you here. ((( )))


A few days ago, I was having one of "those days". It was so bad (my anxiety) that my brain was not functioning at full capacity. Thank goodness my very supportive, smart & business savvy friend came over for a few hours (until 11pm!) and "held my hand" as we walked through the documents I was signing, and then helped me construct an email of questions for my loan consultant. My friend had never seen me in such a state. We had a good talk about a few of my ducks and she really calmed me down.


AND moving on! smile

Loan Duck:
My loan lady and I had a WONDERFUL conversation today. I had some concerns and we're looking good. I'm feeling really positive about this duck! When all is said and done, (loan pays off all debts and XH) I'll be looking at a monthly mortgage of under $1,500. The rental cottage covers the mortgage and XH pays CS. Any other income I bring in is a bonus!

Duck Egg: Unique Job Opportunity
I call this situation an egg, as it's developing, and hasn't quiet hatched yet. My loan lady is aware and excited for me. It's a position within a gov agency. MORE money! That's all I'm going to say. I've already applied and I'm on a list for interviews. Just waiting for the email. (My current employer knows I've been looking, and he's willing to help me out with whatever I need)

Stumpy Duck: Still working on removing the palm tree stump (a clump of 5 small Areca palms) from my backyard. But OH what fun! Thankful that XH left so many wonderful tools for me to use. Lately a rubber mallet & chisel have done a fine job of severing the finger like roots that have made a 2"- 5" carpet under parts of my pool pump. Not to mention parts some of the roots strangled their way into an irrigation timing valve and cracked it. This valve was buried under at least 4' of dirt. I knew something was leaking, but had no idea there was a valve cover there! I've got a helper for that!

Duck Pond: I'm in the pond. The online dating kind of pond. I need a distraction. I just want to chat and see what's out there. I'm divorced and turning 50 this year and the pond here is small. I'm VERY aware of the pandemic situation. (In healthcare; got my 2nd dose of Moderna this past Monday. Feeling fine thank you.) Any way, I've been chatting with a fella that wants to meet for coffee. Luckily we can do that outdoors. I plan on getting an iced drink so I can keep my mask on and sip through a straw. This fellow has had his 1st shot. (essential line of business). I have no idea what the covid protocol is for a coffee date, other than what I already have been doing for a year. Wear a mask, social distance and wash hands, be healthy etc etc... this could be fun.. I'm imagining, if this fellow is willing... we meet up, but keep our distance. Outdoor venue, daytime. Sit apart, but facing each other. Start with a text (using the dating site) and if we feel like we want to know more, that we'll share our numbers and talk.... from a distance? Is that weird? I kind of think it's intriguing and if he's willing to play along, it could be kind of fun. And safe.

Little Duck: D4 will be registering for kindergarten this year! I didn't think I'd get emotional, but I was..lol... Such a smart cookie! She's going to BLOW her teachers mind! Your welcome D4 wink

Okay, I'm out of ducks...

Thanks again for tuning in. I'm feeling VERY positive about a lot of these ducks. The pond is that last thing I care about. That'll happen when the time is right. Not rushing anything, especially during these times... ugh... I can't wait to not wear a mask. Maybe next year, right?

Be safe and take care
Posted By: kml Re: Ducks Are Happy, More Eggs & Other Stuff - 01/28/21 09:22 PM
Congratulations on the good news on the refi! And on everything else. You are rockin' it.
Posted By: DnJ Re: Ducks Are Happy, More Eggs & Other Stuff - 01/29/21 03:47 AM
Congratulations Can. Things look positively ducky.
Posted By: scout12 Re: Ducks Are Happy, More Eggs & Other Stuff - 01/29/21 09:51 PM
You are handling everything brilliantly. I’m proud of your moxy!
Posted By: 97Hope Re: Ducks Are Happy, More Eggs & Other Stuff - 01/30/21 04:21 AM
You are rocking this! Have fun dating! (Keep me posted, I haven't ventured into that pond yet LOL.)

I love your confidence. (((canbird)))
Posted By: CanBird Dipping my Toe in the singles Pond today - 01/30/21 07:41 PM
Life is short. I'm divorced. This year I will be 50. Today I'm dipping my toe in the singles pond. I've got a playdate for D4 so I'm going for coffee with a guy I've been chatting with! YIKES!! I wasn't too sure how you do this during a pandemic, other than as safe as humanly possible.

The state we live in, the area we're at, has low numbers. Masks are the norm, so no problem there. Obviously, no contact...lol... we're meeting in the early afternoon, outside for coffee. I'm going to go through the drive through to get mine, so we're both not waiting for coffee. I completed my 2nd dose of Moderna on Monday and feel fine. He's had his 1st dose of the same (due for the second one in a few days) Oh goodie! Something to talk about!!

He gave me his number, but I haven't given mine. Still using the dating app to communicate. He just sent me a msg early this morning that he forgot (" completely spaced") he's dog sitting for a friend and if it's okay that he brings the dog with him. No worries there. Now I'll be looking for a bearded guy with a Shitzu! lol..

*Looks don't matter as much to me. I mean, there has to be a bit of attraction. It's what on the inside that truly counts*
Posted By: kml Re: Dipping my Toe in the singles Pond today - 01/31/21 12:30 AM
Pay close attention to what the dog thinks of him. (And check the dogs tags if you get a chance - hope it’s not his current girlfriend’s dog!) .

Remember a coffee date is not a real date - it’s just like meeting someone at a party and chatting by the guacamole dip. It’s a chance to see if he IS someone you would be willing to go on a date with.

Good luck!
Posted By: CanBird Re: Dipping my Toe in the singles Pond today - 01/31/21 06:14 AM
And here's how it went.

We meet in the afternoon, at an outdoor food truck area for coffee. He got there before me. Noticed the dog right away & followed the leash up to him. Couldn't really tell anything from the parking lot. Besides the mystery of the mask, he had a cap on. Normal wear for "our town". I did my version of cute casual; felt good. As I approached the table, and we made eye contact, my first impression was BARF. Is this the same person in the photo? Okay... let's give this guy a chance and see if there's anything sparking. This is just a dress rehearsal at this point on.

He ordered me a coffee, but did not get himself one, as he's only has one a day. (Weird, as he is the one who suggested going on a "coffee things".) The dog seemed very comfortable with him. I was uncomfortable with the smell of dog food. Or maybe it was something else, but it was definitely coming from this guy and not the food trucks. And remember, he had a mask on. (the surgical kind). Any way. Coffee order was up, I offered to get it as he had the dog. I thanked him, and we chatted a bit. The usual small talk. He had marked that he had kids, and that wasn't true. A "mistake" he didn't notice. I never asked before hand, but whatever. I asked him about his job (he listed business owner). A chef of sorts, but now takes photos of food at home for menus. (ummmm okay.... )... He name dropped a local top chef, and that's how he came to live here. Small world, as my neighbor knows this top chef very well. Well, he started saying not nice things about this chef and he had to quit. (ummmm okay...) Was the smell I was smelling arrogance?

On the table, was a small baggy of ice cubes for the dog and he gave the dog cubes here and there. Not unusual. At one point he pulled his mask down a bit, revealing his nose. It was so quick, I wasn't sure if it was an adjustment or he popped an ice cub in his mouth. When I saw his nose, I could not help but notice he did NOT look like the picture on his profile. Maybe it was old? I didn't ask. I also was in awe of the Chia Pet like nose he had. Okay, not fair to judge, but WOOOH. Not in his nose, ON his nose. This was a quick reveal, but I could not get over it. Or thinking about the fact that he might be feeding the dog & himself ice. EWWWW. And that smell lingered. I finished my iced coffee within a half-hour and it was time to wrap it up.

We wrapped it up, and did talk about online dating briefly. I thanked him for coffee and said, "well this was my first outing and it was good practice. If anything, you make a new friend". He said "and you keep Fishing"... I said "Ah YEAH!... (a bit too enthusiastically... )

As I left, I was so thankful that I drove my not usual vehicle, and that I hadn't give out my number. Also, I was thankful that this person showed up and it gave me a chance to practice my social skills in a whole new pond.
Posted By: CanBird Re: Dipping my Toe in the singles Pond today - 01/31/21 06:30 AM
Originally Posted by kml
Pay close attention to what the dog thinks of him. (And check the dogs tags if you get a chance - hope it’s not his current girlfriend’s dog!) .

Remember a coffee date is not a real date - it’s just like meeting someone at a party and chatting by the guacamole dip. It’s a chance to see if he IS someone you would be willing to go on a date with.

Good luck!



Hi kml, I posted in full all the details. I lost interest in him at hello, so didn't care too much about the dog..lol.. but good points in the future.

I'd say that a coffee date is like speed dating. To me, it's still a date. You make plans and follow through. Getting out there and talking to a stranger in either situation, might lead you to ask yourself would you do it again? I will try again. Not with that coffee guy. But I'd go on another coffee date meet another.

Oh how I miss social gatherings, and now I'm craving guacamole!
Posted By: kml Re: Dipping my Toe in the singles Pond today - 01/31/21 06:44 AM
Good job! You got some practice, and you learned a few things. First of all, pictures don’t always match reality. (I think this is more of a problem with women than men, but men definitely like to put up photos of themselves when they were younger.)

Second - you got some good clues out of his work history. Doesn’t sound like he’s too functional an adult. Possibly living with his mom and watching her dog? Also - heads up, but according to my son who did some kitchen prep work and my friend’s daughter who is a chef, there’s a lot of substance abuse and toxic masculinity in kitchen work.

Third - this is why you don’t give out your personal contact information before the coffee date (good job there!).

Four - this is why you get the coffee date out of the way early. It’s too easy to start to feel like you’re in a relationship talking online, then meet and realize there’s no chemistry! Better to find out early. (Note well: this advice IS coming from a woman who completely broke that rule once - carrying on 3 months of daily chat and then going to meet him several hours drive away! I got insanely lucky -we dated for a while until his childhood girlfriend found him on Facebook, but we are still friends many years later. But I do know now how foolhardy that was).

Remember, if you were at a party full of singles, you might talk to three or four guys in the course of an evening. This is just that. It’s a numbers game and you’ll probably need to meet several guys before you find a dateable choice.
Posted By: 97Hope Re: Dipping my Toe in the singles Pond today - 01/31/21 07:03 AM
CanBird!

Hey! You got your feet wet! Or at least a little toe. lol

I think guacamole sounds fab. Possibly, probably, better than the coffee with Chia, but you did it. You put yourself out there and you were safe and smart about it. That's a win!

I have not had my first meet-up yet. Still waiting for my friend to set up a meet with 'Bud'.

KML - I love your advice. I'm following this!
Posted By: AndrewP Re: Dipping my Toe in the singles Pond today - 01/31/21 10:21 PM
Originally Posted by CanBird
He had marked that he had kids, and that wasn't true. A "mistake" he didn't notice. I never asked before hand, but whatever. I asked him about his job (he listed business owner). A chef of sorts, but now takes photos of food at home for menus. (ummmm okay.... )...
LOL - "entrepreneur". On the other hand my now ex-father-in-law would just tell people that I was unemployed when in fact I did free-lance for about 11 years.

Well done CanBird.
Posted By: CanBird This Friday...One of The Ducks might Hatch - 02/04/21 08:15 AM
Guess who has a job interview THIS Friday! This opportunity pays more, is full-time, lots of great benefits, remote/virtual. Customer service based in the same field (dental). A liaison between patients & offices. So excited!! It'll be a video interview with 3 on the panel. I've got a home office and they supply the rest. (Computer & dual screens). Other than having to get a wifi upgrade (faster internet), I'm ready!

*I've got more news to share. Will wait for new thread. The BIG Duck Deal..tbc*

Ps-All good with other things....stay turned
Posted By: DnJ Re: This Friday...One of The Ducks might Hatch - 02/04/21 12:20 PM
Congratulations on scoring an interview. Best of luck tomorrow. So exciting!

Glad to hear things are going so well.

The BIG duck deal. Staying tuned. 5 more posts until new thread. smile

D
Posted By: DnJ Re: This Friday...One of The Ducks might Hatch - 02/04/21 12:21 PM
Gonna be so patient over here.
Posted By: DnJ Re: This Friday...One of The Ducks might Hatch - 02/04/21 12:22 PM
I wouldn’t let my eagerness fill up a thread. No sir, not me.
Posted By: job Re: This Friday...One of The Ducks might Hatch - 02/04/21 01:35 PM
You will awe the interviewers. This is such exciting news for you and I hope that everything works out and you get the job.
Thanks DnJ!
Thank you job! I'm nervous, but more on the excited side smile It's really a great opportunity...
Stay Tuned... new thread coming soon!
ok, yay to the gig but DUCKS????? You KNOW I want to know more. I just successfully avoided adding three more chicks to the flock. can't do it right now, even though i'm looking for the unconditional love...
Originally Posted by CanBird
Guess who has a job interview THIS Friday! This opportunity pays more, is full-time, lots of great benefits, remote/virtual. Customer service based in the same field (dental). A liaison between patients & offices. So excited!! It'll be a video interview with 3 on the panel. I've got a home office and they supply the rest. (Computer & dual screens). Other than having to get a wifi upgrade (faster internet), I'm ready!

*I've got more news to share. Will wait for new thread. The BIG Duck Deal..tbc*

Ps-All good with other things....stay turned


Always read your thread with great interest as I'm about to head into the same direction as you are already in.
Good luck on the interview!!!!
Posted By: job Re: This Friday...One of The Ducks might Hatch - 02/04/21 05:50 PM
New Thread:

New Beginnings Pt 3
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