Grace - Merry Christmas to you as well. Gosh, thankful for little o me. I am very happy to have met you Grace. And glad of your healthy healing path. For whatever part I played in that - you are most welcome. Know it is reciprocated - I am thankful for you too.
Andrew - I agree and am not too surprised at XWís poking her head out of the ground during Christmas. We all reflect, eventually, upon that which is lost. I believe she has yet to feel her regrets to the full effort that is still to come.
I do feel that perhaps she is starting to reach outward, trying to repair relationships with the kids. I donít yet believe that, though I do feel it. And there is some empirical evidence of such, so I do think it as well. She needs to not try and to do. Not try to repair but do rebuild or forge new better relationships. A tall task. And one I am not part of, it is for them to figure out.
Also keep in mind that the explosive and destructive manner of it in your case has created a rift that at present looks impossible to bridge. And her path may not lead her back towards where she was.
The past few years have changed us all and set us on paths that lead us we know not where.
Look at you. You are becoming more and more the optimist.
That rift born from such destruction does, at present, look difficult to bridge. Oddly, I see that rift, and the needed requisite tasks and such from both sides as not impossible - Iím a rather hopeful guy, and hope is just believing in possibilities. However, in truth, Iím not sure I would want to rebuild back to where we were. Actually, no I donít want to repair with her, and repair is building to where we were. And that lead us to here.
Forge or rebuild new - perhaps. Yes, that I still would undertake.
I was thinking she was reaching back towards the kids this Christmas. Itís all a matter of perspective. Her reaching back mean she is in front. My perceptive, and maybe herís somewhat - she is reaching out forward. We, me and the kids, are ahead of her - on our paths.
The MLCer thinks, feels, and believes their explosion propels them forward and they have their new wonderful life. And as long as they feel and believe that, they will not change! If their perception is that they are in front they will not go backwards. Well actually no one goes backwards, itís a matter of perspective.
Her reaching out to her kids is important. She left with the words; well many different words, and these ones were not the most significant; ďthat the kids will accept her life. They donít have a choice.Ē I, of course at the time not knowing what the h3ll was going on, said she was just holding her breath demanding her kids see it her way. She agreed! I said that could take years. And XW, didnít care. ďI can wait. They will come around.Ē I responded, just like you and your Mom and Dad. Itís been 28 years, theyíve never even met their grandchildren. That is your future! 3 decades from now, when your great grandchildren are already here, you will have missed so much, you will still be holding your breath!!!
Of course that didnít change her path. She was far too gone. She was out in front, so she felt. (And so did I, at the time, truth be told. Oh how we grow.
I think and hope she realizes she is actual behind and is reaching forward. For it is then that she may effort into catching up.
Merry Christmas Andrew. My best to you and yourís.
scout - Excellent pondering fodder.
Yes, seeing and defining the world, people, events, etc. in only good and bad leads to problematic outcomes. Things are much more gray, than black and white.
We all have the capacity and capability of good and evil. We can all choose and do choose. And we choose to judge or forgive or not.
Even itemizing peopleís actions into good and bad; this one was good, that one was bad. A tally summary still isnít truly gray, we still categorized. No one is wise enough to see all ends. (Gandalf, Lord of the Rings, Iím sure you recognize the partial reference
The MLCer is emotionally stunted and has a similar view of the world. And they will expend enormous energies in maintaining that distorted view or fantasy.
Thanks for sharing such a wise viewpoint. Too much time on your hands. Lol.
PLC - I responded on your post before I read mine. I see you pre-answered my query of gifts. Yes, Hís lack of gift giving is pretty commonplace for an emotionally troubled person.
He will appear disconnected from her and you, for he feels disconnected from himself and everything around him. The running is him trying to find connection. Him not looking within. Him unable too, yet.
It is sad. And he is still within the tunnel. He cannot see nor grasp all that is going on.
Have a wonderful Christmas season my friend.
- - - -
Christmas Day was really good until... well Iím getting ahead myself. Let me retell in order.
S20 got up around 10:00am, rather early considering how late he stayed up watching movies.
I went and got my Mom and brought her over to spend Christmas Day with us. We had lunch, visited, and played cards until 3:00 pm.
This was the planned time for our family video group call. All of us connected online. Me, Grandma, and S20 at my house, D18 and BF at his house, S22 and GF at theirís, S23 and GF joining from their home, and Grandpa logging in from his bed at the care home.
My poor slow internet connection with its maximum speed of 5 mbps was the bottleneck. S20 joined his phone on using cellular which then helped. We set my iPad as the speaker and microphone source and muted the other two and everyone was then set.
Presents were opened. All gifts from one person, as how ever that one person wanted them to be opened (as in all at once or one at a time). Stockings were first, and opened all together. Kids, which we all are, unleashed. Our inner kid diving into our stockings. Santa got everyone a bottle of favourite alcohol. All except me - I canít imbibe (although my upcoming appointment has us lowering and possible removing immunity suppressors from my pill cocktail), Grandpa - the care home would freak out, and D18ís BF - he is 17 and pretty sure giving alcohol to a minor not yourís is not proper. The rest were quite pleased with their liquors and fancy scotches and rums.
Santa also got various flavours of chips - bacon, smokey bbq, etc... S23 was eating bacon chips within seconds of unwrapping his gift. Lol.
Presents were opened next. D18/BF/S20ís they all went together to get better gifts from poor students.
D18 ran things, and well as being the one who actually bought and wrap all the gifts. The joke quickly became us thanking her and then everyone ďremindingĒ to thank S20 and BF as well. Lol. She had the gifts opened one at a time so everyone could watch the action.
They got me a Monopoly game. One of my favourite games is Monopoly. Iíve been gifted many different versions over the years. This version is - Cheaters Monopoly. I havenít opened it yet, but according to the outside of the box - basically you can cheat. Anything. Rob the bank, steal from some else, whatever, if you donít get caught then it is ok. So, like regular Monopoly as kids play it. Lol. Iím pretty sure those games will devolve rather quickly.
S20 and GF went next. They had a lot of neat items for the siblings. Phone accessories, battery pack, thermos, coffee cup warmer for those stuck at home worker at their desk. I got some much need new slippers.
Grandmaís gifts were next. She gave a card and money. Always a hit. It is the right size, and the colour, and the right flavour. Lol
S20 and GF had their gifts opened one at a time as well. She (they
), put in some significant thought. From a red wine decanter and glass set, to the aging casks for wine (cool looking wooden mini barrels on stands that one places wine and the favouring/aging wood chips for a certain amount of time. Has a spigot and looks really neat.) I got three Star Wars ornaments that will join the ever-growing collection. The characters are the vintage oneís - from the movies and lore when at its height.
My gifts were then opened. Everyone had some good quality kitchen utensils individual wrapped. So 6-8 individual gifts to all tore into together. Mom got a good quality paring knife, something she has been bemoaning as her current plastic handled one is giving up the ghost. The silicone spatulas and flippers were welcomed.
Their individual presents were then opened, as well as the other Santa gift that I had forgot about. A jug of windshield washer fluid for everyone - a heavy gurgling gift that no one saw coming. A set of cutting boards, slow cooker, and other specific items. And the homemade hot pads. My efforts were most appreciated. Many questions were asked about the time and effort involved in creating them.
S23 later sent pictures of his Christmas dinner, pre and post cooking. A bacon wrap turkey and all the trimmings. What a meal. The final table full had the oak hot pads, the wine goblets and decanter, and the utensils were used in the preparation of the golden brown bird adorning the table. It looked really good.
The call and opening of gifts lasted 90 minutes. Grandpaís supper showed up just as we had finished. D18 and BF had to go do the farm chores. S23ís GF shared the news of her getting a job; the company she was working for was bought out just before Christmas and she was let go. The new company has hired her back on. Yay!
With the call over, XW/Momís gifts were opened. Mom sent some socks, a shirt, shampoo, and a $100 Visa gift card for S20. Grandmaís gift was a set of cross stitch coasters. They looked nice, and we all wondered a bit - why she did that. She hasnít spoken to her XMIL since S20ís graduation, 2 1/2 years. Oh well, the gift was appreciated and accepted as given.
I made supper here. Grandma providing the two turkey breast, the three boxes of stuffing, the 14 potatoes, the bag of corn, and so on. I reminded her there is only three of us.
No matter she wanted left overs. No problem, there will be leftovers. Three boxes of stuffing, and pre-stuffed turkey breast. We had food for a dozen. Lol.
Anyhow, I cooked it. The turkey smelt great. The stuffing smelt great, the gravy was smelling sooooo good. I had called everyone out to the kitchen as everything was about ready. The table was set, and I was carving the two turkey breasts. The two platters of meat were placed on the table. The corn and gravy served. I was readying the potatoes for mashing as requested by Mom, when I quite suddenly had to go to the bathroom. I asked her to finish mashing the potatoes.
Light a switch being flipped - I felt sick. Went from absolutely great, a wonderful day, a wonderful (if I do say so, and Mom and S20 both said so later) meal, to sick.
I got sick, barely making it to the bathroom. And both ends. Yuck!
Obviously supper was now out for me. It was so strange. So I apologize (which is rather funny, one apologizing for getting infected), and went to the living room. The meal was still eaten and enjoyed, by two.
Over the next hours I kept score - 8 times sick, 22 times the other end. Yeesh, what a time. What a way to miss Christmas supper. So strange to come on just like - snap.
Oh well, supper got eaten. The dishes all washed. The left overs spilt up and packed away. Mom was driven home by S20, who then fed and walked the dogs. All sans me.
I went to bed, and had two more episodes during the night.
This morning I awoke - feeling great. Thankfully whatever it was, was really short lived. My mom called to check on me. She was worried, and quite revealed that I was better.
I am looking forward to my left over turkey dinner.