Hello Nick (I was responding on my thread and decided to move it here)
Yes, most bomb drops are more private than mine was. I had seven witnesses to what went down that night.
I don’t know how good that is however because now the kids are looking at me like I’m the one breaking up the family because they don’t know about Mom’s affair.
Plenty of times kids, family, and friends are not privy to what actually went down and what was actually said and by whom.
You have receive some excellent advice over on the newcomers board. Time and space and no pressure is especially important and needed for situations like MLC.
A lot of suggestions and advice will be counterintuitive; at first it will seem wrong, sound wrong, and feel wrong. Have faith in those who have gone before you.
How good or not good witnesses may have been to your BD matters little. It went down as it did. You play the hand you’ve been dealt.
The kids may or may not know about Mom’s affair. And they may know more of who is actually responsible for the current family strife than you realize. Kids are rather perceptive.
Some advice:
Do not demonize W/Mom. Do not spill the beans of her affair. Let this come out as it will. You do not want to manipulate W’s path nor take on the responsibility of it. If you effort towards altering her trajectory, and things go wrong, you will feel remorseful. You do not want responsibility for her path, let her take ownership of her choices.
The girls, D17 and D21, love their parents. They love both you and Mom. You focus on your life and your daughters. Be the best Dad you can be. Leave the relationship between Mom and her daughters to them. It is not your job to facilitate their relationship; it is your job not to destroy it.
Kids need to vent and lash out. Plenty is changing within their lives. You are the strong and stable parent, so they will lash out towards you. They will vent towards you. And yes, at times, it will be unfair. However, they cannot yet risk losing their Mom. So you will get quite a disproportionate amount of their emotional venting. It’s ok. Just roll with it.
The idea that your girls are seeing you to be the cause of the breaking up of the family appears to be conjecture from you. However, you control you. Be the best Dad you can be. Not only in word; mostly in action. Through demonstration the true perpetrator will be revealed.
Take D17 driving to get her up to speed, without any blaming and snide comments regarding W shirking her responsibilities or the unfairness of it all. Make suppers and offer W to eat with all of you. And yes, do not purposefully not make enough garlic bread. Passive aggressiveness is not helpful.
Do not move out of the house. Remain in the master bedroom. You’ve told W many times, if she doesn’t like it here or needs more space she can move out. I would stop saying that. She’s heard you. And you don’t actually want to encourage or plant that idea. It goes along with the manipulation thing. If something you suggest goes wrong she will blame you. Well, she will blame you for everything and anything anyhow, but you don’t need to paint a target upon yourself either.
The LBS seeks to take the high road. To walk a better path, an enlightened path. That starts with focusing on you and your children. That shift in your focus is away from W and the situation she is stirring up. That gives time and space for W to hopefully work through her emotional trauma(s). It also allows you space to work through your’s.
There is nothing you can do to speed up W’s journey. She entered a pain-filled world that she has been suppressing for a long time. The pressures of midlife have uncovered long ago buried demons that now refuse to remain silent.
MLCer’s are driven by feelings. Their emotions are cranked to eleven. They have no empathy for anyone, for they cannot handle their own emotions, never-mind anyone else’s.
Realize, all the advice is for you. Its primary goal is helping you heal and to become whole. It also gives your best chance at outlasting MLC and perhaps a reconciliation. That, however, is a bonus, and not the focus.
You have the gift of time, use it wisely. Do the inner work. Take the higher path.
Stay strong. You’ve got this.
D
don’t get much greener than that. Her gas burning and oil leaking old rattle trap of a car she bought is somewhat of a humorous contradiction. Along with many other things she blamed upon me. 
However, I rescued two little girl kitty cats in his honor and kept the P and the J. I named one Piper and the other Jazz. They've added a lot of fun to my life. They have become the heart and soul of my little apartment and I love them dearly.