Good Morning Kindly
Since then the excessive exercise has ramped up to a ridiculous level again, and I feel like he’s crawled back into a deeper whole then where he started.
Did I handle this ok?
Should I let this stop me from safety having people over again?
For my own curiosity is anyone an expert of MLC stages? What stage does this behaviour seem like?
Why is the behaviour so backwards? (back to a month after BD)
Could his return to work and the potential to see ow (from 1year ago April) be a trigger of some sort?
Sorry lots of curiosity questions....but still focusing on me.
My XW exercised to ridiculous levels as well. In fact she still does. Coming up on 5 years now of crazy exercising, sometimes 10-12 hours in a day.
As was said, the MLCer’s path is not straight nor linear. There are plenty of loops and twists; blind ends and backtracks. Still, whatever they follow is their path. I still have faith it is progress. One just doesn’t know how long their path is.
I like your questions and the curiosity. It speaks to me; that desire to understand.
You are doing fine. Handling things very well. You wisely back off when H spews, and understand why.
H’s behaviour should not prevent you from enjoying and living your life. Have people over. He can hide out in his room or go out for the evening if he wants. You control you. He controls himself.
H’s behaviour is mostly within replay. He might even still be involved with the EA. I do think he has peeked out of the tunnel a bit. Maybe even experienced some of the depression stage. He has also dragging back to the anger stage. Realize these stages are not strictly delimited, nor linear. People do bounce around them and can exhibit behaviours from more than one stage. However, overall and general behaviour of an MLCer can usually be stated as within a certain stage. Replay is the longest stage and covers a lot of weirdness and crazy “trying to make up for lost time” behaviour.
H’s closing himself off from the world and hiding away. Remember depression is within the entire crisis, it is always there for the MLCer. At times it takes hold more and pushes them. Progress, if you will. The stage of depression and then withdrawal are after replay, and will be extremely low points along the crisis person’s path. Depression, when everything they’ve tried in replay has failed, and life’s choices and their consequences cannot be ignored any longer, the MLCer will feel like a complete failure. Dark depression indeed, as they turn their gaze inward.
H is feeling some self pressure and is baiting you into anything he can use against you. He is looking for justifications and attempting to project upon you. And as you see, it is so irrational. He brings up is oddest stuff, like it is very important, and it causes one to question if what they are doing is right. And that is what H is after. MLCer’s are masters manipulators.
His apparent backward movement is from your perspective. One doesn’t know the MLCer’s path. Replay is a long stage as the MLCer relives their childhood trauma(s) and grows up from them. My XW went through a period of going to rock concerts and such. She doesn’t do that anymore (that I know of
).
One by one, their replay behaviours are experienced and hopefully put to rest. And then look to themselves. That is a daunting prospect for a person suffering a crisis, and they will put it off. Blaming the LBS, spewing, anger, projecting, and so on is standard operating procedure for a crisis person to keep from facing themselves.
Continue to wisely not engage. Lots of space and time, for H to see that his problems are not caused by you. The MLCer’s journey is all about them, not you.
I guess what I’m struggling with a little bit right now, is why do MLCers want something SOOOO bad (be it to move out, divorce, sell the house) and then do nothing to achieve those “wants”? I know some do leave right away, but for the ones that don’t I would think that “negative pressure” they feel would constantly be there regardless of what I’m doing or saying ....
Yes, some MLCers do blow up and leave right away. Most take a slower path.
These people are in torment. Past the point of reason and are driven by emotions and feelings. I want this. I want that. Like a child. And they want it now! It should just be easy. Quick. Simple. Lol. Not so! Welcome to the world of adult dear MLCer.
This is a good reason to leave the heavy lifting to them, for D, moving out, whatever. Let them own it. Let them figure it out.
I raised 4 teenagers, and I was one myself. Teens procrastinate. The MLCer is a teen; a terribly spoiled teen, with a huge bank account (for a teen). Their feelings of entitlement are off the charts. Imagine how you might have felt as a teen if you had money, cars, guys/gals, and so on - and had no underage limitations.
The MLCer is worse. They have an emotional axe to grind for their past trauma(s). They feel they need to make up for lost time and experiences.
So, why don’t they leave and grab that new life? Fear. Most “teens” don’t actually truly want to run away; they just feel that way, and like to threaten. My XW’s childhood was so bad, she actually couldn’t hardly wait to get away from her terrible parents. She left her parents and moved in with me as soon as she was 18. And thirty years later, she did it again. Me being her “parents”.
For those MLCer’s upon the slower track, sure there is a constant pressure. It’s why we don’t add to it. However, their pressure is from within and would exist if they left or not. Some do realize this at some level, I believe.
Within their confused addled mind are memories and feelings that don’t fit within their narrative and justifications. They will spew, fight, and argue, looking for the LBS to react so they can blame someone else.
Fully confirmed H is in some phase now where it appears like he is literally waiting for anything to pounce on, yell about and accuse me of....messy, angry little person. The man I married is becoming more and more hidden. I don’t even see glimpses anymore. He seems so full of hate. This hurts.
The tongue lashing tonight was unreal. I am supposed to be able to read his mind apparently... Something we’ve been doing a certain way throughout all of this, I was supposed to know he now wants no part of. Then I asked if he wanted something in the fridge or freezer and the response I got was an attack about how I’m holding him up from selling the house, his L is waiting on my paperwork....the house has to be listed immediately etc... all of which is not true. My lawyer has all of my docs and says she’s still waiting on him and his full FD.
This is becoming frustrating because every time I reach out to my L I’m getting charged. I don’t want to keep “double checking” with her. He makes me feel like I haven’t done something. I’m so not accustomed to standing down, that this feels so wrong. The panic in me flares up and I feel like I’m going to get blindsided by something or screwed out of something by my ignorance in these proceedings.
How does he not know he is the one holding things up? Unless the two lawyers are playing a game??? Now he’s got me thinking all kinds of nonsense. I dislike other people (L) Speaking on my behalf, but in this situation I had no choice.
Why does everything he yells about sound so convincing? He’s become a master liar. Along with that is the pure awful “hate” energy emanating from him. Man is it strong.
Yes. Master liars. They have too. They are lying to themselves; it needs to be convincing.
You know better.
You are right, H is waiting to pounce on anything. It doesn’t even have to make sense; and it probably won’t. He is irrational and looking for anything to blame you for. IMHO, that is progress. H’s narrative is loosing cohesion and he needs to glue it back together. Let him be. Give him to God. Focus on you.
Treat him like a roommate. His path is not about you.
Imagine a cashier at a store. They get mad at you, for some inconsequential thing. Sure, we are the customer, how dare you treat me like that. However, compassion, and let go of your ego. That cashier, that person, their behaviour is about them. Perhaps their Mom is dying of cancer, and they are right on the edge emotionally. Struggling to work enough to feed their daughter.
People’s actions and behaviours are not about us. I am just not that important. People’s paths and behaviours are about them. Our egos get in the way and make it about us.
Ego is not a bad thing. It is our narrative. The story we tell ourselves.
It helps to realize that ego needs to be right. It judges. It holds grudges. It makes things about you, even when they aren’t.
Letting go of one’s ego, brings peace and understanding. Ego is still there, and still speaks, one just realizes there is something deeper going on than it first appears.
Your curiosity and desire to understand. A good path, IMHO.
Have a great day.
D
((hugs))