previous threadWelcome to A New Thread.
Last post, the question will H return to the mbr (while his mom visits) was in sitch. H & I did share the bed. It's huge cal king; we both stuck to our own sides. Last time was March; the night of bd. (April- Dec he was away at work/adventures).
I went to the bedroom before him, he was in bed before me. He had wine, asked me where mine was. I got one. We hung out, scrolled the internet, shared articles of interest. I turned out my light first. He did, but was still on his phone, which I could see. Nothing interesting. I'm beyond worring about stuff like that. We're in bed! I want my H. Nothing happened. I did not make any moves, neither did he. I was scared to. I want nothing more than him...lol...he just me.
Looking forward to celebrating the beginning a new year.
Sending good vibes to everyone.
We Can Do This
Journalling~ H has been preping of New Years Eve since yesterday. Cooking, and today for me flowers, & candy. Who is this? We'll see at midnight..lol..
Having a couple with their kiddo over later.
Happy we"re together.
Happy New Year! May the new year bring you much peace and joy.
Happy new Year Can
Enjoy ...things seem to be good with H
Your are doing great and he really seems like he may make the turn back to you
Im rooting for you!
Hello Can
How was midnight?
As to wanting H and nothing happened.
We're in bed! I want my H. Nothing happened. I did not make any moves, neither did he. I was scared to.
Small steps my friend. Small steps. You’re in the same bed.
Being scared sounds about normal to me. And good for you for not pushing. Remember too much pressure and he will bolt.
Letting him control the pace is going to take some determined foresight on your part. You could gently steer him in a certain direction - in a while. For now, go with the flow and let him get used to being in the same bed as you again.
If and when he is wanting then what? Determined foresight.
I’m guessing you probably have a whole bunch of questions and things you’d like to discuss and get answers and commitments for. That is most likely further down the path than advances from H. Do not mix the two. Keep the love making separate from love (relationship) talking.
Is that something you can see yourself doing? It’s just sex. Fun, wholesome, bonding, commitment building, etc... It seems that it would be out of order; sex before recommitment; I think it isn’t in these cases.
H’s confusion is still something he is working through. With no one else in the picture, enjoying yourselves together is a good thing. This won’t speed him along his path, and shouldn’t hinder him.
It’s a question of can you do this. Are you willing and wanting to. Just something to find your stand on, before it’s maybe right in front of you.
I’m pulling for you girl.
Keep doing what you’re doing.
DnJ
Hello Can
How was midnight?
As to wanting H and nothing happened.
We're in bed! I want my H. Nothing happened. I did not make any moves, neither did he. I was scared to.
Small steps my friend. Small steps. You’re in the same bed.
Being scared sounds about normal to me. And good for you for not pushing. Remember too much pressure and he will bolt.
Letting him control the pace is going to take some determined foresight on your part. You could gently steer him in a certain direction - in a while. For now, go with the flow and let him get used to being in the same bed as you again.
If and when he is wanting then what? Determined foresight.
I’m guessing you probably have a whole bunch of questions and things you’d like to discuss and get answers and commitments for. That is most likely further down the path than advances from H. Do not mix the two. Keep the love making separate from love (relationship) talking.
Is that something you can see yourself doing? It’s just sex. Fun, wholesome, bonding, commitment building, etc... It seems that it would be out of order; sex before recommitment; I think it isn’t in these cases.
H’s confusion is still something he is working through. With no one else in the picture, enjoying yourselves together is a good thing. This won’t speed him along his path, and shouldn’t hinder him.
It’s a question of can you do this. Are you willing and wanting to. Just something to find your stand on, before it’s maybe right in front of you.
I’m pulling for you girl.
Keep doing what you’re doing.
DnJ
Happy New Year DnJ. And thank you for your support.
The eve was a blur. We all induldged and recouped Wednesday. Nothing eventful happened. I did get a kiss & hug. Small steps indeed. I do need to be thankful for what's in front of me. My H is home, we share a bed & MIL is here to help with D3.
I'm with you on sex being separate 'fun' thing. And will wait, while being the best version of me I can be. Iove this man. When we work together we are great, including sex. I can wait. I'm not pushing anything. H continues to GAL with hobbies he enjoys. He also text to say where he is. He also has been lending a hand to neighbors which is nice. More interactions with humans & nature. Hopefully him & I will get a chance to do a couples thing. Yes, I can wait..lol..
I continue to GAL as well. Great that MIL is here so I can actually get stuff done. Tax prep time. I handle most of it. It's empowering, same with running our household. I can & I do.
New gutters for house go in tomorrow. Apparently there's talk of painting the outside. Actions over words...lol..That can wait, but I'm not opposed.
Journalling~ So here we are back to sharing a giant bed. No pillow talk. It's killing me, but I will wait. He does it for me & I just want to be an animal, but I will wait.
Last night we both were awake on & off from 2am-6am. No pillow talk. Are you kidding me! I was so hopeful. We have ventured from our respective sides and a bit more to the middle. I put my foot out in hopes we'll play footsies. And my hand is available to be help. I think he's doing baby steps too.
Any suggestions on turning up the heat without getting
It’s sounds terribly hard for you. You’re doing a great job.
All good things come to those who wait.
Think about the length of the journey just to get to here... and know that you’ve got a little more patience left in the tank.
I know you can do this and be patient.
And remember, if it ends up happening too soon he may regret it or feel pressured, and then you’ll have taken huge steps backwards.
Wear something nice, try a new perfume - and when he is ready, it will happen.
You’re doing so well - hang in there!
Hi Can
Re: Turning up the heat.
Be patient.
Things are progressing.
Did you ever make a solutions journal? MWD suggests it to help highlight the little steps that are actually happening. It also shows which direction your situation is heading; allows one to do more of what works and less of what doesn’t.
An easy way to turn up the heat. Roll over and cuddle up to him. It might work out really good. You know your situation better than any of us. If you think it’s a good and right time; that would be a less pressure filled test than some other scenarios.
Personally, I think a bit more time is required. Two days ago was a kiss and hug (which is awesome by the way). Go slow. And when you think you’re going slow enough, cut that in half.
Also could try a date. A fun time together. Keep expectations really low.
Remember how confused he was about wanting to come home. It’s going to take time for him to sort stuff out. Don’t read too much into any one thing - good or bad. Focus on you and the long path.
DnJ
Can
Things do seem to be progressing and everyone here has shared some good thoughts
you have handled your whole situation so well-
I would suggest to continue to lean back, read about feminie energy and see if it resonates with you
gal , be/have fun, and just connect by spending time together and enjoying the moment..work on a solid friendship and you can see it is moving in that direction
patience..one minute/hour/day at a time
Can,
No pressure and no pursuit. This is where a lot of posters move too quickly their spouses run for the hills. Give him the time and space to settle back into his own skin and home life. I know it's difficult with him living in the same house and same bed...but remember...it takes time, a lot of time, for him to take the next step.
If you want him to come back to you 100%, then breathe, dig deeper for patience, and allow him to come to you. You've waited this long, you can wait a bit longer. As Peace pointed out....good things come to those who wait. Patience is the key and this is one key you are going to have to work harder at to hold on to.
Can,
No pressure and no pursuit. This is where a lot of posters move too quickly their spouses run for the hills. Give him the time and space to settle back into his own skin and home life. I know it's difficult with him living in the same house and same bed...but remember...it takes time, a lot of time, for him to take the next step.
If you want him to come back to you 100%, then breathe, dig deeper for patience, and allow him to come to you. You've waited this long, you can wait a bit longer. As Peace pointed out....good things come to those who wait. Patience is the key and this is one key you are going to have to work harder at to hold on to.
Thanks Job. I agree on this. I've got to continue to dig deeper. "Be Patient", is written on our fridge. We all need to practice it.
I need to put my teenage hormones under lock & key for a bit..lol..
I can do this.
Journaling~ Yesterday MIL & I did our GAL activities with D3. H did his thing. Later when H got home he text me a photo of a double rainbow, " rainbow! come outside & look ". My phone was on silent, but it was a nice gesture.
This morning as I was leaving H leaned in the car & gave D3 a hug. She said, Dadda, give mom a hug too. H came around to where I was outside the car. We had a nice hug & a kiss. We both smiled at each other. It was really sweet.
On the way to drop D3 off, we saw a double rainbow.
Feeling good.
Happy Friday.
Journaling~ I've literally seen rainbows everydy, but Life is feeling ackward. I feel ignored by H. His phone gets more attention, then it's MIL & D3. I'm dead last. (I know 99.9% of what he's doing on phone). But its like I'm being ignored; it hurts. I've wanted to cry a few times. Silly right? I'm trying to rise above it. I'm starved for H attention and not getting it. I need to try something different.
H & I have been workng on a common goal of cleaning out our garage. Separatly we've got rid of stuff. I got rid of baby stuff, he's tossing out big items (old water heater, doors). Now that new gutters are up (he took old ones down, painted house trim, a guy installed new) making a tidy garage seems to be his project when us gals are GALing.
H has moments of kindness, cooks a lot. We had surf & turf last night. His friend came over, MIL cleaned up, I relaxed. It was nice. We all enjoyed the night. After guest left & D3 to bed, we swam. Heated pool, under the stars. H & his mom chatted, I swam within view of H, hoping to stir up something. I felt good. We all then watched a comedy skit show that H & I use to watch. Nice to hear him laugh. I went to bed feeling good. H is still in our bed. The sheets are cold. I'm thankful he's in bed, but we remain silent.
I feel like whatever I say is ignored so I say less. Not talking hurt our M a lot. We show zero affection in front of MIL. Is she wondering about our coldness. I wonder.
Feeling down. Gotta get myself out of this woe is me funk.
Our tenant moves out this afternoon. That will be my GAL for a few days, before the new arrives.
Smile, even though your heart is breaking. Happiness starts within. I need to do that for myself.
And what you are describing is the walking on eggshells and pretzeling that comes along with where you are (read where he is) in the process. Unfortunately, the only antidote to this is to reduce your expectations to zero so that you don't feel constant longing and frustration when you have zero control over the situation. Everyone on this board gets it. We've all done the same thing. At some point he will turn to you, or you will have had enough of it and you won't care anymore. You get to be the one in control of that.
And what you are describing is the walking on eggshells and pretzeling that comes along with where you are (read where he is) in the process. Unfortunately, the only antidote to this is to reduce your expectations to zero so that you don't feel constant longing and frustration when you have zero control over the situation. Everyone on this board gets it. We've all done the same thing. At some point he will turn to you, or you will have had enough of it and you won't care anymore. You get to be the one in control of that.
Hi OwnIt. Yeah, that sounds about right. After I posted that I joined everyone else. H announced coffee is ready, he filled me in on what D3 ate for breakfast. Interesting how the roller coaster personality goes up and down.
It'll be a week tomorrow that he's been in the bed. The 11th will mark his 1 month return.
Resetting the expectations meter to zero.
May we all find peace & smile at something today
Journaling~ Took a chance and had a quick morning snuggle with H. D3 came into our room with her stuffies & snuggled dad, then left to find grammie. I thought, why not try. I rolled over, put my arm around him & said, " I have no stuffies, but like my snuggles too." It was breif. He was awake, didn't pull away. I inhaled deeply, felt the energy and it was nice. I pulled away slowly and went on with my morning.
It was a baby step. Something different. Didnt know what would happen & it went okay.
Can, I'm going to play contrarian here, because someone has to. I don't think you should be initiating hugs or snuggles. The pressure and pursuit element are so intense. I lived for many years with an MLCer who waffled back and forth and I now see how anything and everything is pursuit. Even now he thinks I am pursuing him when I do anything at all, even trying to discuss my kids or get a divorce done. I think you think he will remember something from the past and want more, but more likely he will just want distance from you. I don't think he is going to refuse it in the moment, but more have a cumulative build up that will get to him and make him want to run. Please review again and again what Job said above. Also read the TMAK thread for Job's post there. More than anything Can, let go of those expectations and beliefs that you can do anything to fix what is going on inside of him.
I think it’s okay that you tried it once. But, as he did not reciprocate or encourage it, I agree with Own and would not initiate again.
There were rare times my ex initiated affection when he was still at home. But as he moved on further into MLC, he stated he felt weird in the house and uncomfortable initiating any affection there. He said he particularly had issues with the MBR which is why I think many of them land on the couch or in a self made dorm room. From my experience, I saw my ex recreate his family of origin childhood home and I swear he was back to being a kid in it. (Before it happened in front of my own eyes, I would NEVER have believed in MLC. I am highly educated, do not wear a tinfoil hat on my head, am not part of any cults, do not believe in conspiracy theories, etc, etc.).
Having witnessed it first hand, they just get weird, much like teens who incubate privately in their rooms and don’t want to be snuggling with their moms. But then they can have peek outs where they are glimmers of normalcy. The behaviors were so out there, I thought mine had a brain tumor (seriously!). I have teens now (they were 11 and 9 at bomb drop) and it amazes me how much my ex regressed to a true teen back when he lived with me. It was extraordinary to witness it.
Wish I had it all on nanny cam!!!!
Yeah, I think it was all right to try it - after all, he could have been holding back just because he feared you couldn't forgive him. But now the ball is in his court, if he doesn't reply in kind, then you know he's not ready for that.
Think of yourself as a scientist, conducting an experiment. Observe and record responses.
(Before it happened in front of my own eyes, I would NEVER have believed in MLC. I am highly educated, do not wear a tinfoil hat on my head, am not part of any cults, do not believe in conspiracy theories, etc, etc.).
Having witnessed it first hand, they just get weird, much like teens who incubate privately in their rooms and don’t want to be snuggling with their moms.
You crack me up!!! I find it essential to add a bit of humor to this whole MLC situation....or else it is just too crazy and unbelievable. As I am reading all of you vets’ witches, I learn to embrace for a wilder ride in the future.....
Canbird- I’m sorry that you are feeling hurt when he’s not reciprocating loving actions. I second what everyone else has said. Yes you know you have to reset your expectations to zero, and although that is hard, it’s not impossible. Sometimes your heart gets too excited for a little progress and surreptitiously upped the expectation level without you realizing.
Hang in there, stay strong!
Can,
He may not have pulled away, but he didn't take it any further either. It is okay. You tried something different...but you are also trying to rush the process. Step back and allow your man to come to you. He's not ready to do so and the more you attempt to initiate cuddles, hugs, etc., the more he's just going to lay there like a bump on a log. This journey is not about you, but about him. You can't fix him w/cuddles. He is the only one that can fix himself.
Now, please step back and observe. Allow him to initiate the next time around. Stop trying to rush the process and believe it or not, you are putting pressure on him and it's going to shut him down and he will move out of the MBR and opt to go elsewhere.
You've waited this long, you can wait a bit longer. Dig deeper for patience because you are going to need it if you want him to come back to you a mature man and a man who wants his wife in every way.
Please, please try to understand that this is not about you, but about him. Do not take this bump in the road personally. There is nothing you did that created this mess within him...but the more you attempt to pursue him, the more he's going to pull away. Drop the expectations and just try to enjoy the time you have together. Even though he is sleeping In the same bed w/you, this would not have happened had you not had a guest in the house, that does not mean he's going to jump for joy and be all warm and cuddly.....it takes time and that means lots and lots of time. Lower your expectations and reset your clock to being roommates for now.
I know you can do this...just be patient.
Well, I can't undo it. I appreciate the overwhelming responces to SLOW down. Now I feel like a bit of a fool.
Dont chase. Be the room mate.
MLC is the worst. H and his mom just went off somewhere alone. I can't care. It's not about me, but it damn sure feels like it.
Can, I'm sorry if I made you feel like a fool or that you should undo it. Obviously that is not possible, and as the others have said, you let him know you are receptive. That's good for now. You are anything but a fool. Clearly a very compassionate individual with a bright outlook on life. Huge assets for you as a person and a mom.
But yes, don't chase. Mirror his actions. Let him lead.
MLC is the worst and I hope his is an MLT. Time will tell.
Be a good mom and take care of you. That is how you are going to help him.
I needed to read this thread. My D24 was home from grad school for the last month. She left yesterday. During her time home, H Slept on the living room couch. Currently he’s in there, since her room needs to be freshened up. The whole time she was home, (when he wasn’t off trying to mend his OW relationship) I so wanted to say “come to the bed for sleep, I won’t touch you” the only reason I didn’t, was because I knew he’d say no and I didn’t want to deal with more heartache.
During her visit, I actually had a couple of small talk chats with him. No time in the car together, no meals together except Christmas breakfast and dinner. I didn’t see snake eyes, but part of me is so sad that nothing else has happened. This week it is only 8 months since BD. Who am I to think he could be turning back? I like to see that some spouses haven’t turned away from a touch. I’ve had nothing.
I’ve got to stay patient. I’ve got to.
Journaling~ I can't undo that I snuggled H for 2 mins this morning. It felt right in the moment; it was something different. I've always been the dominent one in the relationship; I thought maybe things needed a soft nudge.
I did my GAL thing with D3 & MIL. H did stuff around the house, mostly the garage/man cave of sorts. When we came home in the afternoon he was on the roof. Glad he's finding things to do & a bouns it's fixing the house/ improving it.
H & MIL went off after lunch, D3 & I did our thing. We were polite to each other. They came back with groceries & H kind of disapearred into the garage. He started working out. This is not unusual behavior for H. He comes home a few pounds heavier, bummed out & tries to get back into shape at some point. It doesnt last. I love him no matter his size; he was a big guy when I met him, slimmer when we married. I'm use to this & I hope it gives him the boost he needs. We let him be. D3 hung out with him for a bit. He joined us later. The adults watched a show about eating healthy. H seemed to enjoy it; we did too. He's got the gung hoo attitude going. Not a new thing. If it betters his health than YES! Let's do this! He's always struggled a little bit with weight. Now that he's come clean about his high blood pressure, since he's been home, I hope he makes healthier life style changes. He did shower up in our shower with new shampoo & dress in clean clothes post work out. But, who knows where his mind is.
As for me, well, I'm an impatient romantic with the raging hormones of a teenager. I've thrown the ball his way. I do need to take giant steps back & give him space. If he wasn't here, what would I be doing?
Thank you friends for being here. I'm glad I can share my honest feelings in the moment. I don't think this mornings actions set things back. It was literally a blip in time. I'm moving on. I did an action over words. Moving on.
When my H came home I was so desperate for things to get back to ‘normal’, I too initiated.
He did reciprocate but looking back, he was just going through the motions. I realised this and stopped.
I wanted to feel desired and he certainly didn’t make me feel like that. It took months and months of me not initiating and now, almost a year after I stopped, he can’t keep his hands off me, like he used to be .........nearly ten years ago.
I think it’s very important for him to pursue you. It’s important for you too.
I agree with KLM, treat it like an experiment. He now knows you are safe to approach, if he wants to. Now step right back.
It may take a very long time but he will initiate when he is ready to.
You are far from a “fool”. You are a wonderful loving mum and wife. You are showing your D and everyone in the family that you stand by your H through better or worse, richer or poorer and above all, in sickness and in health, whether physical or mental.
(((Can)))
Can
You are doing an amazing job
he is home, he is being helpful
he is connecting with D3 and his mom
this may not be MLC either...
I would continue to be patient and keep your energy up
I agree with Westo
He knows you are safe to approach and leave if at the that
enjoy the time together
CanBird,
You are not a fool. You are a human being who wanted your h to hug you back. It's been a while since he's done it and you thought he might be more receptive to it. We suggest here that you try different things and if something isn't working, try something else. However, for now, follow his lead, allow him to come to you.
I think you've been doing quite well...don't fret over what happened...we all have done things similar to this and whatever you do, do not take it personally that he didn't respond back in the manner you had hoped he would.
When my H came home I was so desperate for things to get back to ‘normal’, I too initiated.
He did reciprocate but looking back, he was just going through the motions. I realised this and stopped.
I wanted to feel desired and he certainly didn’t make me feel like that. It took months and months of me not initiating and now, almost a year after I stopped, he can’t keep his hands off me, like he used to be .........nearly ten years ago.
I think it’s very important for him to pursue you. It’s important for you too.
I agree with KLM, treat it like an experiment. He now knows you are safe to approach, if he wants to. Now step right back.
It may take a very long time but he will initiate when he is ready to.
You are far from a “fool”. You are a wonderful loving mum and wife. You are showing your D and everyone in the family that you stand by your H through better or worse, richer or poorer and above all, in sickness and in health, whether physical or mental.
(((Can)))
Thank you Westo. It's encouraging to hear from someone that's had success.
Hugs right back at cha
Can
You are doing an amazing job
he is home, he is being helpful
he is connecting with D3 and his mom
this may not be MLC either...
I would continue to be patient and keep your energy up
I agree with Westo
He knows you are safe to approach and leave if at the that
enjoy the time together
Thank you Peace. I know I can do this. I appreciate your kind words as always.
CanBird,
You are not a fool. You are a human being who wanted your h to hug you back. It's been a while since he's done it and you thought he might be more receptive to it. We suggest here that you try different things and if something isn't working, try something else. However, for now, follow his lead, allow him to come to you.
I think you've been doing quite well...don't fret over what happened...we all have done things similar to this and whatever you do, do not take it personally that he didn't respond back in the manner you had hoped he would.
Thanks Job. I will do more of the mirroring. Following his lead is certainly key.
Journaling~ I went to bed before H. He didnt cling to his side of the bed, more like in the middle. At some point he stroked my hair. What's this? I froze. I was sleeping with my back turned to him. I pretended to be sleeping. He did a little footsy thing too. I froze. Not reading into this too much. Actions speak volumes. Waiting for my hugs. (I'm a hugger).
CanBird,
He's testing the waters to see if you are going to be receptive to his advances. Next time he does this, just relax and see what he does. Try to remember, you both are still trying to find your way and now he needs to figure out how to approach you....allow him to come to you. Follow his lead. It's just like the waltz...you follow the man's lead in the dance.
It's going to be okay. Relax, enjoy the time you spend together and remember to breathe!
Hello Can
I think a hug will be coming.
As job and others have said, the next time (and there will be a next time) he advances just relax and see where it goes. Follow his lead.
I suspect he is pretty worried and is timidly testing the waters.
Breathe girl. It’s ok and you’re doing fine.
DnJ
Journaling~ We've been purdging 'stuff' around the house. Feels SO good to declutter. I sold D3 crib, H said good job. I mirrored that today and said good job on sorting tax stuff out. He then suggested other things we could get rid of. I praised his ideas. It's a little thing but HUGE. He sorted out the recycling & I thanked him & took care of it. It was team work!
He's out helping a friend & just texted me about a bite I had. He got bit too by some bug. Geez...3 texts now..lol..
Gotta go.
😊
Hi Can,
When is H due back at sea and how long is MIL staying?
Hi Can,
When is H due back at sea and how long is MIL staying?
Hi Westo! I was reading you past sitch just today & will read more soon.
The season for H is weather dependant, but can start end of April/mid May lasting an average of 6 months. Yep. Half the year away at ses. It's our normal.
MIL flew here on a one-way ticket. She is retired & is welcome to stay as long as she wants. It's been a week. Her birthday is this weekend. H said to her (the other day) whenever she wants to return let him know. She looked sad at his saying this & joked, " I'm getting booted out already!".
Journaling~ Full moon is approching. Weirdness insues. True? I notice it. Can't really be too sure with our mlcers... After watching a program on health, H is now trying a non meat diet for a week to see how he feel. He was okay today until dinner time. We all went out at his suggestion & he was a grump! MIL noticed too & said, "I hope he doesn't get like his father! Here's a little back story...
(H father, her ex.. they never married..they had 2 kids when they were 18/19...then they split..she had 2 more with ex's brother (yes..the brother) H thought that male figure was his dad (H bio uncle..who passed 7ys ago) and was raised/told so until he was 8. H lived with biodad for a spell. H mom married, that man had a d, they had 1 more kiddo. MIl is still with that man. Following? That's MIL story. And I found out tonight, MILs mom was once engage to a man and then got preg by MIL biofather. No married happened & bio went off. Not sure who fathered the other 2 kids, but there is another man & no married involved. That's MIL side.
H bio father, excepted his brother had taken over his role as dad. H bio dad went on to marry & have 1 kid & adopt that wives bio neice. That married ended. H bio dad got a new lady his current wife. They have a s togther. Bio dad & current wife at one point had adoptive d stay with them, H was living there too, the youngest was a baby.. That d is skitzo & threatened everyone at knife point. H does not talk about it.
Wow... I got off track! Full moon, H new diet. He's grumpy. Looking distant. Maybe its hunger.
Con't from above.
H was distant. MIL mentioned she noticed a change in him, just not tonight. He was different last year too. Now, at times, he doesn't want to be social with anyone. I see him as having moments of being withdrawn. REALLY distant; the mind IS elsewhere. But then he snaps out of it. Not tonight. MIL never asks questions of her kids & waits for them to come to her. I thinkshe wants to ask him whats up & Ithink H wants to say something or is really struggling within more so than usual. Or maybe his diet change is doing this. He didnt drink anything with dinner. Not sure about the evening. I wrnt to be early. Lights went out in the living room an hour ago. It's 2:30am. H is on sofa.
Things always get interesting around the full moon. This happens Friday. Our weather has been windy & calling for heavy showers/coastal flooding. Great. Let's hope we all survive the freeze inside the house & the elements outside. I should not care H is on sofa, and I will act as if I don't care. He snores anyway.
Cont'...
4am... can't sleep. I wonder is H & MIL talked?
Today 5 of 10 packages arrived that H ordered after Christmas. Stuff for the house. One item, a hydrator that's big, might be for his work. Not sure. He took it to the garage. H also got a huge end of year bonus so I'm not surprised by his purchases. This isn't unusual for him to shop a lot online. Given the sitch, I'm happy to see items that he's using here. Stuff for D3. He did get 1 practial thing for me. I like practical.
I should enjoy the big bed and sprawl out. Ugh...why do we care? He feel asleep & didnt care. I should not care. Guess I've always thought of the separate sleeping a bad thing. I have a hard time sleeping with him in another room. At least he's home.
This weekend marks 1 month that he's been home. I don't linger on the what ifs or is he...but the sitch still exsists. Of course there are things I don't know about his situation. Of course I have no control over his journey. (Speaking of which, I know H has a work thing in March for a week. Refreasher training for a week. I saw the details on a work news letter. So I know he's got that). But the BIGGER picture is so out of focus. This really is a daily roller coaster ride. Hour by hour, minute by minute sometimes.
Dig deeper right? Be patient. Oh lord! , I have threenager..so I have to be patient.
Can
It is difficult
the uncertainty of life
but it is really in so many areas
We dont know ...and even if we think we know.. do we really know
look at our M
We were sure of our H ,then one day??everything changed
I think we have to get comfortable in trusting whatever we believe in and let go of all uncertainty
of the next step
trust the process of life
He is still showing up and I suspect you will know more soon..
You are giving him this leash because you love him
and for a time, we give it to those we love, even if their behavior is not what we want
We give them the benefit..for now
Later, if things don't shift..you will make the choice
J~ H came to bed at 2am. I worked today, D3 at daycare & Grammie made the house tidy. Not sure what H did all day, but he wasnt home when I was returned home at noon. I had to do somework on our rental (on our property) so I let MIL know. After a while I noticed H buzxing around there. All of a sudden he hadthings to do over there. I was inside, he was outside. I pretended not to notice him. I did my thing & he would text me messages about what he was doing & photos & another little thing he did for our house. I did not reply, until he had a question. This was an experiment for me. I also kept things short & sweet. Not oozing sweet, just nice.
I was too busy to pick up D3, but could have. H & Gma got her & are now at a park. H let me know.
Time for this mommy to have a quick shower & nap. Yes. A nap..lol..
Full moon is tonight. Tomorrow (11th) marks one month since H has been home. Zero expectations, but I'm shaving my legs anyways..lol..
Enjoy the moon.
Good Morning Can
You are doing well with the pursuit and distance waltz. Your replies are sincere and not held back (too much). Positive affirmation works wonders once someone starts to accept it. H it seems is looking for, and growing with it. Be patient.
I think MIL visiting is a good thing. Her past is convoluted; I think I got it, but needed to read those few paragraph three times.
I’m pretty sure your intuition about H wanting to ask/talk to Mom and Mom wanting to ask/talk to H is correct. Stay out of this. Hopefully, for both their sakes, one of them breaks the ice. I suspect lots will come tumbling out if that happens. Let them sort through their pasts. Remain outside of that, no need to be a target if/when things get heated.
This weekend marks 1 month that he's been home. I don't linger on the what ifs or is he...but the sitch still exsists. Of course there are things I don't know about his situation. Of course I have no control over his journey. (Speaking of which, I know H has a work thing in March for a week. Refreasher training for a week. I saw the details on a work news letter. So I know he's got that). But the BIGGER picture is so out of focus. This really is a daily roller coaster ride. Hour by hour, minute by minute sometimes.
Dig deeper right? Be patient. Oh lord! , I have threenager..so I have to be patient.
Yep, be patient. Dig deep. And expectations dialled to zero.
The rollercoaster is quite a ride; hour by hour, even minute by minute at times to get through it. (((CanBird)))
The bigger picture is understandably out of focus. And yeah, his situation is going to be obscured from your view; he doesn’t even know his future, he is trying things out to see what fits.
To me your situation looks very hopeful. H seems pleased about being home. The next few months will be interesting as that unknown future keeps unfolding. See the possibilities and keep hope alive.
Continue your path dear girl and be the best CanBird you can be. H needs, and may be looking for, a heading. Continue to be a beacon. Don’t worry he sees you.
DnJ
Thank you DnJ. Your words gave me a lift this morning. "He sees you".
Early this morning I took the trash out & noticed a few other projects H did. Pulling out a dead tree, trimming our giant cactus. It was nice to see his efforts & I didnt ask. He told his mom the other day he's down sizing/getting rid of stuff/decluttering. Thisis one of the very conversation him & I had before he shipped out. Our garage is now more of a man cave now & H spends a lot of time in there. He's been working out, eating better & checking his bp which is down. I still see him in this fog of depression. Wanting to isolate himself. Last night he asked me if he could go out & play today. My reply, of course! I have plans with MIL & D3. He's still in bed.
No full moon tales to speak off. He made it to bed earlier. Now its raining & we're under heavy rain advisory.
Have a blessed day everyone.
J ~ We celebrated MIL bday yesterday. H & I worked together to make things nice. Although it was raining, we had a lovely time. I felt I looked pretty good. 'Happy Hour' at a nice restaurant none of us had ever been to. Our neighbors/friends had a cocktail with us. Sweet of them to join for a bit. Amazing food. H ordered; he's a foodie & still on his no meat challenge. Everything was great. We then went on an impromptu hike! Luckily the rain tappered off to a drizzle. We all managed the mostly paved trails. I had to bite my tounge a few times & enjoy the moment. Even though H was nowhere near me (either alone or with D3) MIL enjoyed it. It was for her.
H continues to GAL and do home improvements. When he speaks I listen. I still find a lot a silence & uncomfortable moments. It's hard to sit in silence, so I walk away. I try small talk, sometimes it works other times he gives short answers & rarely asks anything about my day. I feel ignored & its hard when MIL & D3 get all the attention. A bit invisable at times. I try to shake it off.
Tonight H cooked dinner & we all went for a sunset walk. Us girls were almost out the door & I tried something different. Instead of asking H if he wants to come with us, I said "Come with us!". We didn't wait & he caught up with us, but lagged behind. Oh, 'cause he ate too fast; his belly hurt. SO GRUMPY!
H mom & I have talked about his grumpiness. I try not to linger there & the two of them have not talked, as far as I know about anything. She knows he"s 'OFF'. Not sure how many days MIL has left with us. We welcome her company, anytime. She does not have a return ticket yet.
Family Lego night tomorrow. I hope H goes. Its fun. We're going regardless.
Before I went tobed MIL gave me a big long hug & said love you... thanks for a great day (we hung out). I noticed H watching us & he held a smile for a while. I said g'night & he said the same. He & MIL stay up later & watch TV late. They usually fall asleep..lol..
Still standing. I see glimpses of kindness & normalness at times, other times he's so far away in his mind. I'm not sure what I can do differently with myself.
This is about him and what he needs to do to figure things out for himself. You can't fix him, nor can you fix yourself to please him. You can only fix yourself for you. Just leave him be when he goes all silent and grumpy. We all have good and bad days. Try not to over analyze what he says or does. If you do, it will drive you crazy and you will second guess yourself on everything.
Stay the course.
Can
You are doing so good..You deserve a purple heart
We all know how hard it is..
uncertainty, not knowing, waiting and waiting and wondering??
Im so glad things are going well with MIL
Even though you cant see it, you are closer than you were before to knowing
D3 has her dad, MIL has her son, and you have them all
maybe not a perfect picture..but still he is showing up
remember this is temporary
one day at a time
Its not forever
you will gain clarity and so will H
just needs more time...
Still standing. I see glimpses of kindness & normalness at times, other times he's so far away in his mind. I'm not sure what I can do differently with myself.
Only one thing you can do differently -- turn off your brain and all senses! You are doing well with trying to enjoy the moment and doing some GAL but you are still in between that torturing yourself noticing and cataloguing every second of H's day, mood, night, activities, non-activities.
And I am SURE that he can feel you doing that, even if you give a different rhetoric, and that it will feel like pressure to him.
Can you think of ways to shift your focus -- e.g., every time you start to notice something he is doing or thinking or not doing, can you bake some cookies or listen to music really loud on headphones or read the bible or some other particular book or work on a painting or even just go and put a dollar in a jar and then periodically take all the dollars to a charity for children?
I mean, literally, can you force yourself to just do something else without trying to get your brain to think about it?
Can, what if H's MLC is going to last five years? What if he is like this sometimes and other times he is gone again and other times he wants to sleep together and then is gone again?
That's where you have to get your brain to. He might be back for good and this current depression could last for a month or for three years. Or he might have to go away again in order to be back for good.
Standing means setting up a life in which you don't burn out from standing or torture yourself with thinking you can do something or you have to be ready for his sudden return. This is not you at a baseball game waiting for the pitch to swing. The lighthouse just lets her beam go out by standing there, and the beam is not constantly on the ship, it flashes. Flash on the rest of the world too, you do not have to train your light on him!
Thank you Job, Peace & Gerda for your posts. Always appreciate each of you.
J~ Not much new. I had some much needed alone time Wed afternoon & used it wisely. Completed a task I've wanting to do.
H & MIL have been looking at getting her a return ticket sometime next week. D3 will be so sad. Me too. She's an amazing lady. We're so lucky.
D3 & I did our activities. We have a bday party on the weekend. H& MIL are welcome; I don't expect them to attend. All good either way.
Trying to stay a float, remain positive. That sinking feeling sneeks in and I try to dismiss it. Thinking of what little goals to accomplish next. I've been spending my free time with MIL mostlty & will do more of my own GAL soon. Really needing to dig deeper and find myself again. The strong person I am. Time to rewrite my goals list. That usually modivates me to get moving.
Oh! There's an interesting event this weekend I can take MIL to that she might enjoy. She's on her own journey as well & we've done a lot of bonding during this trip. We're very like minded/very much a like & laugh out loud often. Such a treasure. My mom passed 8 yrs ago & they would have loved each other.
Sending ((hugs)) & high fives out to those that need it.
We CAN do this!
Canbird, I’ll take your high fives and hugs and resend them back out. I just wanted to say thanks for the last few posts I took so much away from this this morning and really needed it. I’m in a “why won’t he just snap out of it” funk. I know it’s pointless thinking but sometimes my mind is harder to control ....and I have a loooong way to go.
Things I love and will take with me today:
See the possibilities and keep hope alive.
Continue your path dear girl and be the best CanBird you can be. H needs, and may be looking for, a heading. Continue to be a beacon. Don’t worry he sees you.
DnJ
“He sees you”... I like that too.
Still standing. I see glimpses of kindness & normalness at times, other times he's so far away in his mind. I'm not sure what I can do differently with myself.
This is exactly what I’m struggling with right now, which always flips me into “what can I say to him to reach him”...even knowing I can’t. I need stronger tools to stop...because I am GAL and detaching it just feels like when he’s around this thought is always hanging around.
remember this is temporary
one day at a time
Its not forever
you will gain clarity and so will H
just needs more time...
Thank you. Some days it doesn’t feel like it and I feel like an a** saying that when my situation is so new and others have been standing for 3-5 yrs. Reading and re-reading advice like this settles my mind.
Only one thing you can do differently -- turn off your brain and all senses! You are doing well with trying to enjoy the moment and doing some GAL but you are still in between that torturing yourself noticing and cataloguing every second of H's day, mood, night, activities, non-activities.
And I am SURE that he can feel you doing that, even if you give a different rhetoric, and that it will feel like pressure to him.
Standing means setting up a life in which you don't burn out from standing or torture yourself with thinking you can do something or you have to be ready for his sudden return. This is not you at a baseball game waiting for the pitch to swing. The lighthouse just lets her beam go out by standing there, and the beam is not constantly on the ship, it flashes. Flash on the rest of the world too, you do not have to train your light on him!
Again such clear advice and answers. “Turn off your brain and all senses”....seeing things written makes such a difference. I too feel like I’m doing a job of GAL but as Gerda points out I’m torturing myself by cataloguing his days and activities. I will work to shut this type of thinking off...
Thank you Job, Peace & Gerda for your posts. Always appreciate each of you.
Sending ((hugs)) & high fives out to those that need it.
We CAN do this!
We CAN do this!! I hope I didn’t highjack Gerda. Thank you for sharing your story and thank you all for helping others.
Love Laugh Live,
K
J~ I did somethings I needed to. I was home alone & was sad. I shook it off & thought, If thingscwere normal I wish, would this bother me? No. I would be sad for a second & embrace the alone time and do what was on my to do list. A lot was accomplished in a little time. Being organized calms me. Setting little goals makes me feel good. I actually started the day with the small task of making my bed. I got my space a bit more organized too. I find it frustrating to have so much clutter. So my 1 year purdge continues I guess.
Trying to focus more on myself & less my spouse. When they stop communicating its hard. Today he's texting his whereabouts. Maybe cause he's with his mom? Regardless, Its nice to know whatever ones up to. They've been playing tourists all day. Happy they're hanging out, & of course wondering what conversations were had. And that's normal to wonder. But I've got to stop the wondering there & think about the nice time they had together as parent & child.
Canbird-I have read this thread, I am encouraged. It is nice to see someone’s spouse interacting no matter how little. My H left last week for work and returned Thursday late. We have basic pleasantries but nothing serious. While he was gone, I did some purging and made our D24’s room back to a nice guest room. He is not feeling well, so he moved from the couch to her room. I was so disappointed that he did not come to our room.
Reading this thread, reinforced me to continue with me. If I think back to when he came back from being three months abroad, we DO have progress. It’s just small. I’ll accept small.
Keep doing what you’re doing, we’ve got this!
J~ More time spent doing what makes me happy. Spent a few hours with MIL & D3 doing yard work. MIL suggested changes H had mentioned, so we went for it. I too liked his thinking & enjoyed being in the dirt. Before D3, I did all the landaping on our property. Very proud of it.
H was off doing whatever. He's back to not texting or saying what he's doing. He sometimes will share with his mom. He's either running errands or playing. It's SO irritating to me when he does doesnt communitate. I swear it's on purpose, but have to remind myself NOT to care. But when D3 asks where heis and what he's doing it bothers me to guess my reply, but I do it anyway.
MIL is amazing. She has shared her conceren for H & neither of them have gotten to the core of any issues. Not my journey. That's for them to figure out. She will be here a bit longer. I've heard return dates thrown out. None of us want her to go.
Confession time. H has slept on the sofa a few nights. I'm sure MIL is wondering why. I'm sure H wants her to ask why. I gave no reaction to this. Why bother. It kills me. I'm mad/sad. Trying not to be in my head so much. I've got to let go more but that unknowing fear is crippling. Its a passing feeling that creeps in from time to time. I hate this sitch. And yet we have moments of normal, and it feels like we could just drop our gloves & embrace. The sparks aren't out. We have wood for the fire. It's up to him to fuel it.
Shaking off the unknown. My focus needs to remain on me & D3.
Getting up & making my bed. I am strong & have to be a roll model my D3. Continue to do me.
Oh universe... Give me the strength I need to fly. I have wings.
J~ Rant of sorts. I just had a good cry. It's been a while. Today I tried to have a good day with D3 & MIL. It was, but H got on my nerves. Nit picking. I didnt fall for it & had to back peddle a lot today. Not being my trueself; just avoiding conflict. I don't know what his plan is, but he"s throwing all sorts of ideas my way on how I should do things for myself & around here.
Too tired to rant on... to be continued.
Hi Can,
Expect anything. Only he knows his motives for coming home, having MIL to stay and clearing stuff out.
I’m sure once she leaves you will know what his motives are......you can’t change them.
Stay strong and cry when you want to. Remember who the most important people are, at this time.
You and your precious daughter.
(((Can)))
Yes Westo is right
and you are already here...lots of progress from b4 when you did not know where he was
You are closer to knowing and knowing is better than not
you are doing amazing and all these skills you are learning are now yours forever..
CanBird,
You may not know exactly what his motives are at the moment, but once his mother leaves, you will have a clearer picture of what is on his mind as to whether he stays or goes. The nitpicking...in his own way, he is trying to find a justification for the way he feels. When you don't give him one, he has to distance himself just a wee bit.
I know that this is very difficult for you, but you have to observe and listen very closely. In many ways, it sounds like he's trying to tell you that you need to more independent, i.e., in learning how to do things for yourself. I could be wrong, but I think he's trying to prepare you for when he goes back to work again. But, I could be very wrong.
For now, focus on today and leave tomorrow in the future. Enjoy the time you spend w/your MIL, H and daughter. The future will reveal itself when it's ready to do so.
Can, if he leaves, it doesn't mean your M is over. He might have to leave again in order to restore your M later on, down the road. I was so terrified of my H leaving. I did everything possible to prevent that. I accepted years of abuse.
It could have gone either way. My H might have woken up. He still might, one day. Yours might sooner or he might later. This moment here and now is not what will determine that. That's why everyone says to prepare for a marathon, not a sprint. You are exhausting yourself with daily sprints. I know what that is because I did it too.
I see you so focused on what he is going to do, on what everything he says and does and what it means about your M, your future, his choice. You are tying yourself in knots.
I know it's so very very very hard, and you are doing great keeping it together. I wish you could step back a little, give yourself not this week and next, this word from H or this day that he did or didn't sleep in your bed. I wish you could adjust your vision to years and not days/weeks/months. It would be a little like when your D3 was learning to walk -- if every time she stumbled, you ran to the doctor crying, "She'll never walk right!" You knew it would take a year til she was running with confidence, you didn't focus so hard on each attempt. That's what I would say to do here, to work towards not noticing what H does, and not being afraid of him leaving again. He might leave again, but that doesn't change your cause for hope! Keep loving and hoping and GALing, enjoy the moments you can enjoy and let go of the others.
(((Canbird)))))
Canbird, I’ll take your high fives and hugs and resend them back out. I just wanted to say thanks for the last few posts I took so much away from this this morning and really needed it. I’m in a “why won’t he just snap out of it” funk. I know it’s pointless thinking but sometimes my mind is harder to control ....and I have a loooong way to go.
Things I love and will take with me today:
See the possibilities and keep hope alive.
Continue your path dear girl and be the best CanBird you can be. H needs, and may be looking for, a heading. Continue to be a beacon. Don’t worry he sees you.
DnJ
“He sees you”... I like that too.
Still standing. I see glimpses of kindness & normalness at times, other times he's so far away in his mind. I'm not sure what I can do differently with myself.
This is exactly what I’m struggling with right now, which always flips me into “what can I say to him to reach him”...even knowing I can’t. I need stronger tools to stop...because I am GAL and detaching it just feels like when he’s around this thought is always hanging around.
remember this is temporary
one day at a time
Its not forever
you will gain clarity and so will H
just needs more time...
Thank you. Some days it doesn’t feel like it and I feel like an a** saying that when my situation is so new and others have been standing for 3-5 yrs. Reading and re-reading advice like this settles my mind.
Only one thing you can do differently -- turn off your brain and all senses! You are doing well with trying to enjoy the moment and doing some GAL but you are still in between that torturing yourself noticing and cataloguing every second of H's day, mood, night, activities, non-activities.
And I am SURE that he can feel you doing that, even if you give a different rhetoric, and that it will feel like pressure to him.
Standing means setting up a life in which you don't burn out from standing or torture yourself with thinking you can do something or you have to be ready for his sudden return. This is not you at a baseball game waiting for the pitch to swing. The lighthouse just lets her beam go out by standing there, and the beam is not constantly on the ship, it flashes. Flash on the rest of the world too, you do not have to train your light on him!
Again such clear advice and answers. “Turn off your brain and all senses”....seeing things written makes such a difference. I too feel like I’m doing a job of GAL but as Gerda points out I’m torturing myself by cataloguing his days and activities. I will work to shut this type of thinking off...
Thank you Job, Peace & Gerda for your posts. Always appreciate each of you.
Sending ((hugs)) & high fives out to those that need it.
We CAN do this!
We CAN do this!! Thank you for sharing your story and thank you all for helping others.
Love Laugh Live,
K
Hi Kindly, I was reading your posts the same day you posted this. I too got something from reading your sitch. MLC is a wicked wicked ride. Comforting to know we are not alone. Happy you got some take aways from what you read. We need all the support we can get. Thank you for sharing your sitch. From one another we will more forward.
Canbird-I have read this thread, I am encouraged. It is nice to see someone’s spouse interacting no matter how little. My H left last week for work and returned Thursday late. We have basic pleasantries but nothing serious. While he was gone, I did some purging and made our D24’s room back to a nice guest room. He is not feeling well, so he moved from the couch to her room. I was so disappointed that he did not come to our room.
Reading this thread, reinforced me to continue with me. If I think back to when he came back from being three months abroad, we DO have progress. It’s just small. I’ll accept small.
Keep doing what you’re doing, we’ve got this!
Hi PLC, you are right. I should be thankful for the small interactions. I'm most thankful he's in the house, regardless of where he rests his head, although It's also been hard not having H in the mbrm. He moved back when MIL came, and nows he's back on the sofa & she's still here. It's obvious he's distancing himself from me. It's working. I dislike it. Frankly, I'm embarrassed he's doing this while MIL is here. I think he wants her to ask what's up & she's not biting. We talk a lot. He's VERY much like his dad, MILs 1st ex. She's not liking how he's acting. They still have not talked about our sitch. Interesting to see how this plays out before she goes.
The vets on here say it again & again, and I've said it too, before my sitch unraveled. DO you. Lately, I've been SO guilty of watching what H does since MIL has been here that I've forgotten about me. Granted, I want to have fun with MIL & D3, and it's normal to let things slide when guests are with you. I'm jealous that H does whatever he wants. I'm looking forward to making my real GAL plans soon.
Sending BIG hugs & high fives your ways. We CAN do this!
Hi Can,
Expect anything. Only he knows his motives for coming home, having MIL to stay and clearing stuff out.
I’m sure once she leaves you will know what his motives are......you can’t change them.
Stay strong and cry when you want to. Remember who the most important people are, at this time.
You and your precious daughter.
(((Can)))
THank you Westo. I always love hearing from you. I've read a lot of your sitch (but not all) and always get something from it. Yes, so true that I will know more once MIL leaves. It scares the crap out of me. And yes, I can't change it. I will cry when I need to and stay strong always.
(((HUGS))) to you too
Yes Westo is right
and you are already here...lots of progress from b4 when you did not know where he was
You are closer to knowing and knowing is better than not
you are doing amazing and all these skills you are learning are now yours forever..
Thank you Peace for always being a cheerleader when I need it most. It really means a lot.
(((HUgs))) to you
CanBird,
You may not know exactly what his motives are at the moment, but once his mother leaves, you will have a clearer picture of what is on his mind as to whether he stays or goes. The nitpicking...in his own way, he is trying to find a justification for the way he feels. When you don't give him one, he has to distance himself just a wee bit.
I know that this is very difficult for you, but you have to observe and listen very closely. In many ways, it sounds like he's trying to tell you that you need to more independent, i.e., in learning how to do things for yourself. I could be wrong, but I think he's trying to prepare you for when he goes back to work again. But, I could be very wrong.
For now, focus on today and leave tomorrow in the future. Enjoy the time you spend w/your MIL, H and daughter. The future will reveal itself when it's ready to do so.
Hi Job. So true, once MIL leaves, I will know more. I kind of get the feeling he will go. It kills me, but there is nothing I can do but let him go and not care. My reaction will be, "If that's what you need to do".
He continues to nitpick, and tonight it was at my parenting skills. My calm reply was, "Do you have any suggestions?". H has NO idea what it's like to be a stay at home mom. The balancing act I do daily. I so wanted to tell him off. I'm D@MN good at being a mom and I'm dealing with your MLC!! With MIL here, she helps us out a lot. H has little patients and I'd love for him walk in my shoes for a week. It's NOT a cake walk. It's mentally & physically exhausting.
Yes, I do think H is preparing me to be more independent. He's a bit pushy/bossy about it, which I don't like. This could be done in a supportive way. When I listen to him talk, I imagine I'm listening to my father. UGH... it's really like that. Some of his ideas are valid. Others are SO far fetched it's ridiculous. Like applying for jobs that I have no interest in and zero experience (and I'm too old for, not physically fit for either) just because the money is good. Oh, and he'll say, "Just apply for work & don't worry about D3. We'll figure something out. ARE you KIDDING? it's SO difficult to get child care where we live. Again, he had NO idea what it's like to what in my shoes.
Thank you for the quote, FOCUS ON TODAY.... I need to do that more. Be more present in the moments with D3 & MIL. Lately I've been ignoring H mostly because he's irritating me. But I will say a few words here and there. And he does too.
FOCUS ON TODAY.
Amen
((hugs))
Can, if he leaves, it doesn't mean your M is over. He might have to leave again in order to restore your M later on, down the road. I was so terrified of my H leaving. I did everything possible to prevent that. I accepted years of abuse.
It could have gone either way. My H might have woken up. He still might, one day. Yours might sooner or he might later. This moment here and now is not what will determine that. That's why everyone says to prepare for a marathon, not a sprint. You are exhausting yourself with daily sprints. I know what that is because I did it too.
I see you so focused on what he is going to do, on what everything he says and does and what it means about your M, your future, his choice. You are tying yourself in knots.
I know it's so very very very hard, and you are doing great keeping it together. I wish you could step back a little, give yourself not this week and next, this word from H or this day that he did or didn't sleep in your bed. I wish you could adjust your vision to years and not days/weeks/months. It would be a little like when your D3 was learning to walk -- if every time she stumbled, you ran to the doctor crying, "She'll never walk right!" You knew it would take a year til she was running with confidence, you didn't focus so hard on each attempt. That's what I would say to do here, to work towards not noticing what H does, and not being afraid of him leaving again. He might leave again, but that doesn't change your cause for hope! Keep loving and hoping and GALing, enjoy the moments you can enjoy and let go of the others.
(((Canbird)))))
Thank you Gerda for you reply. "If he leaves it doesn't mean your M is over." Well, he's already stepped outside of the marriage ring a few times already. (Makes me sick when I think about it). I would not be surprised if he did it again. I would be shocked if he stayed and did not venture abroad. I will not stand in his way. If that's what he needs to do.
Thank you for putting the MLC into perspective of dealing with it right here & now. It might not always be this way. We don't know how this will turn out. I have been focused a lot on H. It's been just over a month since he's been home. Before that, he had been away at work for 7 months. Pretty much zero contact. So right here and now is still pretty new for me, dealing with this face to face. Adding MIL is a welcome adjustment, but has kind of stalled things. Not sure why H wanted her here. She told me she never asked to come visit, he wanted her here.
Yes Gerda, I do need to put the focus back on myself more and my journey. It's SO hard sometimes, but SO important for us to shine the light back on ourselves. FOCUS FOCUS.
YES I CAN.
((hugs))
J~ I'm challenging myself to focus on me. Part of me is D3 of course, but the main thing is to make US the number one priority everyday.
Today we did a lot for ourselves today. I hurt my foot yesterday, and I think I may have sprained or broken bones. Will see tomorrow. That is my priority tomorrow. MIL is still here to help with D3. Enjoying her while she's here. It will be a hard adjustment for us all when she's gone.
Thank you for all the posts that have come in last week. It's been rough. Definitely need to GAL; schedule some fun stuff for D3 and I that takes us out of the house more often.
I know I am strong. I know I can do this. Life doesn't prepare you for the tough parts. It's the struggles that make us stronger.
Keep on Keeping On Everyone.
((Hi five & Hugs)) xoxo
yes Can
you can do it
you are doing it
living in the now
my goal for today
keep it in today
H is picking me up in 30 mins. MIL will watch D3.
I feel his plan is going to be revealed
I'm scared.
Hello Can
Expectation to zero.
Just listen and see what happens.
You will do fine.
(((Can)))
DnJ
I know you are scared, but try to keep calm.
Take a few seconds to think before you respond to anything he has to say.
Validate, validate, validate.
Remember you can’t control him, but you can take control of you and how you conduct yourself and how you respond.
I’m about to go to bed, but my thoughts are with you.
Also, remember that you are not obligated to agree to anything and should not if you are not feeling strong. If he tries to push you on anything that you are not comfortable with, just thank him for sharing his thoughts, remind him that he has had time to think about things, and tell him that you will need some time to process before you can respond.
He's got papers in the car. Wants to proceed. Obviouly no R , but I want it. We're having a date night of sorts too. MIL is watching D3 as long as we need it. Worst best night.
Cheers to an divorce I guess.
This [censored] but I'll be okay.
I'm sorry Can, I really am. Don't make any rash decisions. Turn to the people you can trust and give yourself time to process and figure out a plan. Make sure you speak with an attorney before you do anything. I will remind you that mine has been pushing for a divorce for a long time. While I did not initially want it, I do now, and still can't get him to do it. They often say things and don't follow through or change their minds. Resume your BD, focus on you, self-care, and your sweet child. We are here for you.
Oh Can,
I’m so sorry to hear this. Take as much time as you need to absorb this. Let him do all the work.
Please listen to any advice Own, Kml, Job etc give you.
It will be invaluable.
Take care of YOU and your little one, maybe go for a long walk on your own later today.
(((Can)))
Good Morning Can
I am sorry. Take some time to process this new information.
H has announced his intentions, those may change or not, for now it is what it is. Become a roommate and get legal advice.
As long as you and D3 are financially secure and protected, let him do all the heavy lifting.
Give yourself time to find your path. When unsure, be patient, and answers will reveal themselves. Time is your friend.
Focus on you and your daughter. Give H to God.
DnJ
(((Can))). So sorry it has come to this but the other are right, it’s not over until it’s over. And, even if it is over, you can be sure that life is not over. You will survive and if you do the work, you will even thrive. That’s what has happened for me and if I can do it, you can do it as well. (((HUGS)))
Can,
I am so sorry to read about this latest development, however, I am not surprised because of the recent cleaning, all the odd jobs he's done around the home and the comment about wanting you to become more independent. When you posted about those recent activities, I didn't want to come out and say..."he's got something on his mind" because I did not want to "taint" the time you were having together. A lot of the MLCers will be home and start cleaning up and putting things in order. It's very strange that they do that, but it may be their way of making sure that once it's cleaned up, it will stay that way while they are traveling the universe or they are setting things right before they exit, i.e., like a person who knows that they are going to die within months. As for the MIL coming to visit, I had that happen as well.
Now, about today, keep the focus on you and your little daughter. Take all of the time you need to grieve for the loss of this relationship. Right now, your h feels like a heel, i.e., guilty and ashamed. He's a lost soul who doesn't know what he wants and there is no rhyme or reason for what he's doing. He doesn't realize that a divorce won't make him feel any better. However, you can't control him or what he currently feels...but you can control how you react.
You have done everything possible to make his homecoming a safe place to land. You have handled everything w/grace and dignity. Continue to hold you head up high, back straight and know that you are the prize and he is a darn fool if he thinks he will find anyone as good as you.
As for those papers, have a lawyer look them over and make sure that you and your daughter are well taken care of. Your life's chapter w/him is not over and it may take a very long time for him to wake up, but you can continue to move forward and leave the door ajar if you wish. No matter what you opt to do, we are here for you.
Keep your focus on today and allow the future to unfold when it decides to unfold. Sending you warm and positive thoughts. If we all can do this...so can you. You are stronger than you think.
Can,
So sorry to read this. But I can say unequivocally, you and your daughter will be okay! Take care of yourself and get some legal advice. As others have pointed out, even if there is a D, the future is unknown.
W
Yes, I wondered whether he was fixing up the home anticipating selling it, or just to rave you in goods shape to assuage his guilt. Do you have a sense of which it is?
Things you need to consider financially (this part is pure business, keep your emotion out of it):
1) If he’s expressing guilt and generosity, strike while the iron is hot - this rarely lasts long.
2) Consult a lawyer ASAP . Knowledge is power.
3) You need to be the owner/beneficiary of a term life insurance on him that would cover the next 15 years of child support and college expenses for your daughter if he dies. Ideally he would pay the cost of this but you would make the payments - you can’t trust him to keep up the payments on something so important. There are also tax benefits to being the owner of the policy rather than just the beneficiary, I believe.
4) Consider carefully where you want to live. Do you want to live in your current town as a single mom? Are there job prospects and social supports for you there? If yes, could you live with D in the small rental and rent out the house to pay your mortgage? If you only want to live there short term, don’t take on the house - home prices are high right now, and another drop in the housing market could trap you there in an underwater mortgage. If you don’t want to stay there, do you have family you want to live near? Family nearby that can help out would be huge for a single mom.
5) Do you have a good career to return to, or do you need to be getting an education so that you can get a good job that will sustain you and your child?
And honey - I know this is super painful right now. Two things to remember:
1) Getting divorced doesn't mean reconciliation cannot happen in the future if it's truly meant to be. Right now though this is about protecting yourself and your daughter financially.
2) Your life is yours! You can make of it whatever you dream. No negativity from H to worry about. I learned to play the drums in a pop-punk cover band at 53 when my ex left and have since played vibraphone and glockenspiel as well as snare drum on tour with my best friend who is a professional singer/songwriter. Rent the movie She-Devil for a funny tale of living well as the best revenge. Make a vision board with pictures of the things you would love to have in your life and put it where you'll see it every day. It may be hard to see it now, but there are ways in which your relationship with your H has been holding you back - now's the time to step up into your life! (My ex, who thought HE was the musician in the family because he could strum a dozen Neil Young songs on the guitar that he learned in college, must be MYSTIFIED that I played a concert in Central Park last year with many famous musicians lol).
Can, do take care of yourself with a good lawyer and protect your D. Get all your finances secure and separate and focus on what is best for her -- including keeping your house for a while, if that's what is best. I didn't do that becasue I was so focused on waiting for my H and not participating in a D that was against my beliefs and I am now in an endless mess trying to fix that.
And I think that being strong about protecting yourself is a boundary that in the long run can actually help your H move through MLC. I wish I had done that. It's hard to do it without getting angry but it's possible, esp if you can go no contact.
But I just want to chime in in a Gerda way to tell you that D is HIS solution, but that doesn't mean it's THE solution to this crisis. It's your choice if you want to stand through divorce; it's not his. He will say and do a lot of things to get you not to stand, and you have to live your own life and GAL and find joy, but if you want to wait and outlast it, you can do that. You don't have to lose hope in a restoration while you do everything possible to protect yourself legally and financially and while you figure out a life for yourself that is going to either be for some years or for always. I don't know anymore if I could ever restore my M, even if my H became a thousand times the man he was before MLC, because of how evil he became during the D; but I am try to stay open to listening to what God wants for me.
Here's a metaphor for ya -- My H dropped my insurance and it took me a long time to get insurance again. So recently I have been catching up on dental work for a lot of terrible teeth that got worse in the interim. I had a crown put in, and I was in excruciating pain after because the dentist hadn't adjusted the crown for my bite. I had to go to court the next day and was at another unpleasant task the day before and the pain got so bad I was almost crawling to the dentist. I was literally sobbing on the chair, it was that bad. I wanted at all costs to avoid a root canal, but that day I was in so much pain, the dentist encouraged me to consider it. I asked her if it was dangerous to wait to see if my tooth root would heal, and she said it was not dangerous and gave me painkillers and antibiotics. I waited. I talked to my tooth root and told that little root that it was okay to heal, and I prayed too. I told myself that I was lucky to have care and medicines while I had pain, and that the pain was not as bad now. And a week later, I am okay, no root canal needed.
That's what standing is like. You will find ways to manage your pain and to set up your new normal. You will have moments of joy and moments of devastating pain, including right now. Right now what you are feeling is the worst, but trust us and keep telling yourself, my DB friends said it would get better. And once you don't feel like your heart is going to rip your chest open, and you start healing and noticing that you are still you and that your life is still your life, you can decide whether you want to keep standing or not.
(((((CANBIRD)))))) YES SHE CAN!
Yes, don't make the mistake of thinking that if you're "nice" to him in the divorce negotiations, he will come back. I've seen way too many people here shoot themselves in the foot financially doing this and with no result. Think of your daughter and all the resources you will need to raise her on your own, and fight for them. Women generally come out in a worse position financially after a divorce than men do, so don't be a doormat. And like I said, if he's feeling generous right now, strike while the fire is hot!
Interesting that he invited MIL then did this while she was there. I wonder, did he tell her first? Did he want her there as a buffer? Will she say anything to him? Usually blood is thicker than water but if you and your MIL get along well she might be on your side. It never hurts to have in-laws that still support you.
Canbird -
Just stopping by to offer support. So, so sorry it's come to this. I can't add anything the others haven't already said, so take what the others have said to heart - protect yourself and your D financially. See the paperwork as only a business transaction. Listen to Gerda's words on standing. The emotional component of separation and divorce is an entirely different business.
I'm sorry if I missed this in your posts, but do you have family living near you? Get all the support you can find, try new experiences, and do all the things that you love.
Hugs,
Grace
J~ Last night H & I went out on a date of sorts. H said he has papers, has seen a lawyer & wants to proceed. I asked if MIL knows. Apparently she knows EVERYTHING.
After said outing with H, before we got in the door, I asked H if I/we could tell MIL his plans of wanting a D. My eyes were swollen from crying, it was obvious something was up. He said he was okay with MIL knowing. Her & I spent the rest of the night bonding. I didnt let on I knew what she knew (according to H), but she is aware of what H wants.
Well folks. I'm off to work.
Cheers & here's to whatever will be.
Well, all I can say is.........
You’re a better person than me.
((((Can))))
I know it seems awful now but after they move out and the D is final
It is easier
No more worrying
No more wondering
no more waiting unless you choose to wait
You have the opportunity to make peace with him so hopefully he will feel free to connect with D
Do follow the advice and get the financials in order asap
The Mlcer will promise the world to LBS and then take everything he can
Dont trust him..get the L in place
Hang in there
The other side is way better...
I'm sorry you didn't get the outcome you were hoping for, Can. The story of your life contains many sentences. The end of your marriage doesn't have to be a full stop. It might just be a comma, and there may be more words to come yet.
You are handling this very well and your positive attitude will carry you through this process.
I wonder if MIL knew that there was an OW. That's quite a betrayal if she did, IMO, especially as she has been so kind and caring towards you.
It might help to think about what you want your post-D relationship with H to look like. No contact, smart contact, grey rock, amicable, friendly, friends?
Put your feelings aside for now as best you can and work out the cold hard details. You and H are no longer a team working together for a mutually acceptable outcome. Figure out what you want your post-D life to look like for you and D3, and go after it with the full support of the law.
J ~ Someone here asked if MIL knows about OW. I didnt come right out and ask. I'm sure H painted a lost love story for her. I'm not sure this is a MLC; might just be an affair. He wants something different (as in a whole new life in a whole new country with his ow/lost love). He gets a fairytale. I hate this sitch.
MIL has a ticket home. But said she can return. I don't really want to have my family here. They can't give me the help I need like MIL can. As awkward as it may seem, she just wants to help us move on.
H has been paying off his debts. That bank account has barely anything in it. We do have another which he hasnt touched. Feeling horrible. Once I find that one friend to confide in, it will get easier.
I am seeking a lawyer. I don't know of one that'll do a free consult, but I'm taking the steps. We can probably do this ourselves., uncontested. Hooefully we can come to an agreement. We've talked a little. I need to think about what's next. Someone posted here to think what my future will be. I know what it's like to be without him, so guess I'm lucky I already know how that feels. What I thought could be saved isn't happening. His journey is walking into the arms of another. That's what he wants. He"s been on that jouney.
What is my journey? Single mom. I'll be 50 next year. There's more to it of course. One moment at a time.
J~ My rings are off. Glasses are on. My eyes are swollen from crying. Still recovering from Tuesday evenings late night. I was drownding my sorrows. It got me through the night. Not a good idea to keep that up.
Moving forward, as mentioned above, I've been in touch with a lawyer. A little to late? Never. I havent seen any papers. Ive aleady said we can discuss things, but I'm not in a rush. He wants to hurry things along so his new life can begin. That's my feeling. Before he goes back to work. Well, he can wait. I've already said your free & it'll be offical next year. He can wait & knows why.
So what does my future look like? Being strong for D3. I feel like I've mentally checked out a bit, but will do my best. MIL says she'll help. She loves it here. I don't have my mom. Once I'm feeling better about this, I might ask my auntie to come. My moms sister. She's been though two divorces, and a few other relationships. Three kids. I have one.
So what does my future look like? A job with benifits. I know I have my plan to get back into dental. Just not sure I'm ready mentally.
Signing off. Tired eyes.
Good Morning Can
I have been following along. You are getting lots of good advice from many caring people.
For what it’s worth H has the hallmarks of MLC. I believe he is in a crisis. He displayed such confusion about coming home, seeing his child, etc... And I’m sorry for that unprofessional diagnosis; a straight forward affair looks different. MLC is a horrible destructive force.
He gets a fairytale. I hate this sitch.
It’s ok to hate your situation. You didn’t ask for it, you were force onto this path. Feel the anger and hate, just don’t get lost in them. Work through them. Grieving takes time.
And H’s path is not the fairytale you imagine it to be.
I am seeking a lawyer. I don't know of one that'll do a free consult, but I'm taking the steps. We can probably do this ourselves., uncontested. Hooefully we can come to an agreement. We've talked a little. I need to think about what's next. Someone posted here to think what my future will be. I know what it's like to be without him, so guess I'm lucky I already know how that feels. What I thought could be saved isn't happening. His journey is walking into the arms of another. That's what he wants. He"s been on that journey.
Yes! Get a lawyer.
Great if you see this could be resolved uncontested. Still you need a lawyer. Do not be talked out of that.
Can, H is confused and doesn’t know what he wants. “His journey is walking into the arms of another. That’s what he wants.” No, that’s just what he is doing. He is more running away from something than towards something. And none of that has anything to do with you or D3.
Take the focus off him and his path. Place it firmly on you and D3.
Get the business side resolved. With all his country hoping you need protection and security.
Leave H to his path. Give him to God.
Walk your path with D3. Focus on you.
What is my journey? Single mom. I'll be 50 next year. There's more to it of course. One moment at a time.
Your journey is going to be amazing! Seriously.
I was in such a dark pit of despair after BD. Months and months I tormented myself. Eventually I saw the light. Time and focus.
This situation you find yourself in is horrible. No question. It is also an incredible opportunity to see the world differently. To discover you. What your deep convictions are. Your beliefs and values. To truly find peace and calm in your life. And to learn the art of forgiving. That is an amazing journey.
You are in good company here. Lots of good people.
You are not alone.
DnJ
Can - sorry to hear this.
You will survive this and come out stronger the other side. You are the prize. Square your shoulders and hold your head up high.
Focus on you and your daughter. Post often as all are here to support.
H has been paying off his debts. That bank account has barely anything in it. We do have another which he hasnt touched.
Ok - so he's decided, without your consent, that joint funds would be used to pay off the debts? You do know that in a divorce he might have been made to take more than 50% of the debts? You're already getting screwed.
Take 50% of what's left in the accounts and transfer it into an account in your own name.
And no, don't do this divorce on your own. Don't be penny wise and pound foolish. He needs to pay child support to the age of 18 and put college fund contributions into an account he can't touch. He needs to pay for life insurance on his life that YOU own to cover that child support if he dies. He needs to pay sousal support until you get back on your feet. He needs to pay his share of childcare. he needs to split the equity in the house or give you the house in exchange for something else. You are entitled to half his pension or retirement savings accumulated during the marriage.
Yes, tell MIL about his affair. He probably hasn't and she deserves to know the truth. No need for you to cover up for him. No need to make a drama out of it either. Just a simple - "this came about because he's been having an affair, I had hoped to reconcile our marriage but he's unwilling to do so."
Get a lawyer, borrow money if you have to, but make sure you get a fair settlement because this is about your daughter's quality of life going forward. Also - if he's moving to another country, how will you enforce things like child support? I would try to get as much upfront as cash or property because he could just bail on all his obligations once he's living in that other country and you might have little recourse.
This is complicated and your age makes it more so, as you have less time to make up enough income to support your retirement. You NEED a good attorney.
CanBird,
Everyone has given you sage advice...the advice kml has provided is golden. Read and reread what she has posted. Definitely take 50% of the money from the other account and put it in an account w/your name. You are entitled to that 50%. If you don't, he may very well take all of it out to pay off debts.
I do agree w/DnJ, he is in crisis and he's one confused puppy. He is doing the exact same things that my xh did before he flew the coop to be w/his affair partner. He is trying to clean up loose ends because he's feeling guilty for what he's done and is trying to make things smoother in his escape to fantasy island.
You need to go after everything that you and your child are entitled to and it needs to be put in writing by a lawyer...the sooner the better. You need to strike while the iron is hot because they do tend to flip on what they promise in the beginning. He is desperate to escape and will say and do anything to get you to agree to his terms. Don't agree to anything w/o a lawyer looking things over.
I would definitely speak to the MIL about this situation and be up front w/her. No sugar coating this situation.
We are all here for you. Post as often as you need to.
~J~ Heading into see lawyer. Will stop by bank to get my own account.
It feels strange to be doing this, but here we.
This is for D3 xo
Make sure your name is off the credit cards
If he is in MLC,, they get worse, so what you see now may not be the worst part yet
They do rack up debt and then more debt
some will leave the LBS and kids with nothing
they are more focused on the new life
From here on in it is a business deal..
Once he leaves again, he may be unreachable
make sure you will be ok
This is the toughest part
and as a single mom, it would be best to get an agreement in my opinion
just in case he disappears
D means nothing...If there is suppose to be a R, therw will be
hang in
~J~ Consulted with a lawyer today. Got a bank account in my name. Had a fun morning with D3 & MIL.
H left at 8am this morning. It's after 10pm & he's not home. Today I text briefly our plans. He replied. MIL shared & let me read there text messages from today. A depressing day for him? Kind of sounded like it. He also sent me two job openings.
I'm so tired & feeling good.
Well done Can,
The way you are handling this and taking the reins, proves that you are going to be absolutely ok!
Good Morning Can
Nice to see you handling the business side and enjoying D3 & MIL.
As others have said treat H’s wanting to leave as a business deal gone bad.
I do have experience with a MLCer and their generously guilty negations and deal making. I agree, strike while the iron is hot.
Getting something in writing and legalized will bring calm in the “how do I afford my life, raise my daughter, and so on” department. There is a large relief with the end of financial worry about what might happen or not, and once custody is settled. And by the way, I think full custody for you is highly probable. I mean he is away at sea for 7 months a year, it’s almost an automatic kind of thing.
DnJ
~J~ H never responded to my text. He came home last night just after 11pm. I heard the door unlock, and then saw him on D3s monitor, tucking her in. MIL & I were concerned.
I have decisions to make, work to do. Things do look okay from my end. Feeling more informed, but still scared. It does help to look at this as business. I havent shared any of my business with friends. Still not ready.
One decission is NOT to talk about ow/A with MIL. Well, not at this time. I have certainly beaten around the bush about it, dropped hints. But I don't want to make MIL feel uncomfortable/awkward/stressed while she's here, more so than she might be. She spoke up about her 2 exs & how they got on well as friends after D. Actually hanging out as blended families, all for the kids. I don't hate H. I hate the choices he's made. MIL also said he not in his right mind, acting like he's in MLC! It's gotta be tough for her being here, but she's here to support us, myself & D3 & H, during this transition. Just like when she stayed with us when D3 was first born. She truely is amazing.
Working today. GAL in the evening. H is always welcome. I will tell him that once. It's for D3.
Time for a new thread soon?
See you on the next one.
Have a blessed day.
I'm glad you got a bank account in your name and spoke to a lawyer. It always helps to get your ducks in a row and have a good idea of where you stand financially.
Enjoy the time you spend w/your daughter and your MIL. There will come a time when what is actually happening w/your h will be revealed to his mother.
Try to sit quietly and allow the answers to come to you. Keep the focus on you and your family.
New Thread:
Standing Up For Whatever Comes Next pt 6