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Standing to Save my Marriage pt 3Welcome to a new thread. Nothing new to report from H. Oh to be a fly on the wall!
Last post, I was pondering on what to say to friends regarding H. He told me before Thanksgiving he might be done work...can he come home... and in true MLC fashion, he hasn't come home and I have not gotten word from him in weeks.
Confronting friends, my mommy friends, actually went quiet well. Short answers and onto something else. "Yeah, he wasn't able to make it.." and the conversation moved on. I kind of stumbled a bit with one mom, but managed through it.
Finally was able to check books out of the library for myself! I love a real book. I couldn't find anything on mlc, so I settled for one titled, "Is he depressed or what?" What to do when the man you love is irritable, moody, and withdrawn. And the other one is simple meditation. A good balance I think.
Thank you all again for chiming in when I need great advice. I think as we get back into our routine and fill our schedule with activities, we'll be breathing easier.
Oh geez! D3 almost knocked her front teeth out today! Down a slight incline on her bike, with a helmet on, collided with the corner of a concrete picnic table. She's okay. Inner upper lip all cut up, soft foods until it heals. I knew she'd be okay, but we saw a dr anyway.
Tomorrow night we have our first Christmas activity with her daycare friends. Excited to see her reaction to Santas this year. We had so many different encounters last year..lol..
jim and sally conway also wrote some books on mlc
Here is a link to "Recommended Reading Material" that was start quite some time ago, however, we continue to add to the listing.
Recommended Reading Material
Journal~ This morning a friend popped by my work & eventually asked about H..any word yet? My reply not yet. "That's odd?!? ", she said. My dumb reaction "Meh,,,, it's all good...not worried." Oh boy...I thought. I felt my anxiety building. And then, an inquiry from family.
Step-MIL text to see how we we're feeling, if we had gotten over our stomach virus... informed us it was making the rounds at their house now. And she also asked if I'd heard from H. They had not. His sister was asking. (H only full sister; of the several siblings). My reply re H, I had not. S-MIL okay, will let her know.
My heart & head were racing. I was fueled with emotion. I was short with the kids a few times. My anxiety over this situation was getting to me. I wanted to message H & politely say what I said last time; Hi. Family are asking about you. I'm unsure how to answer. Are you able to reply? If not is there something you would like me to say?
When I got home I was close to having a major release of ugly tears. I shed a couple, but have to save it for another time. (My eyes swell; it's truly ugly.. but it's a good release). I didn't text H.
D3 & I had a good nap instead.
Tonight I let my guard down a bit. The weight of my sitch hit me early today. D3 & I were at a holiday event at her daycare. The first to arrive. Her teacher is also a friend, inquired about Thanksgiving and H & our trip. My eyes watered up, "He didn't make it. He's....he's taking sometime for himself." My friend, D3s daycare lady, asked if I needed a hug & hugged me. It was so hard to hold back the flood of emotions but I did. More guests arrived, the night was all about the kids, sleigh ride with Santa. As we left, not sure how we got back talking about H, but I did say "I'm okay with it.". She said, "Do you know where he is?" Me: "He's in ---- or ---. Not sure. I don't really know. If this is what he needs, he should do this. He knows where we're are." Her reply, "You're a brave woman." Another mom, who's husband knows my H inquired. I stated he was taking sometime for himself. Love her response: "Everybody needs time to themselves..".
I felt a bit of pressure off me; my mind, my body, after taking with my teacher friend. She knows H & I struggled a bit last year, during renovations. I'd chirp off to her a little, once a week, about Hs strange behavior. Little did I know...mlc... any way.... I now feel like the door is open to speak with this friend if I need a shoulder. She cares for my kid, so it's good she knows the status of D3s dad.
That's all for now. Not sure what will keep me super happy-go-lucky happy. I'm SO faking it right now. Such a struggle. Smiling on the outside and empty inside. My heart is full with joy from D3, but I do struggle. Guess we all do.
One moment at a time.
Breathe Deeply.(inhale)
And Release.(exhale)
CanBird - I was always open about my sitch, and the more open I was, the more support came flooding in. It is a tough step to take, because we have to face and accept that it is our new reality. But, once done, a weight was lifted off my shoulders. It can be a bit freeing. Sounds like you chose the right person to be open with. I think this will benefit your D3 too. Her caretaker will be able to understand better and deal with any behavior changes should they arise.
One day at a time.
Grace
Good Morning Can
I will echo Grace’s view.
My XW blew up and flaunted it to the entire family, friends, and town. I never had to hide details of what went down; there were many dumbfounded people who saw it.
It is ok to be open about what you are going through. You need not throw H under the bus, speak briefly and with compassion. Besides you really don’t know too much about his whereabouts or struggle. Focus on you and your’s.
People, friends, and family are going to inquire. They care about you, and H - just as you do. And if you think you don’t know what to do and how to behave in this situation, imagine their point of view. It takes us a long time to figure things out, and we live with it. All these other caring people have to learn to let go of the H they knew as well, just like you are doing. They are looking for guidance, and will follow your lead; much more than you think or they even realize.
Some advice.
You don’t need to be super happy-go-lucky happy; in fact you shouldn’t be. It is ok to feel sad, and even empty at times. This is terrible, it really hurts. Make time to cry it out, that is part of caring for yourself.
Fake it, till you make it - is a very good practice to follow. It slowly, and I mean sloooooowly, changes your mind and perspective. And one day, you realize you aren’t faking so much, and further along you realize you aren’t faking it at all.
Our minds are always listening, so “acting” or “faking it” helps. This is utilized in the only realm or “cars” we have direct control Physical, our actions and reactions. Intellectual, what we say and to a lesser extent what we think. Thoughts being influenced by emotions can be overridden with that mental assertiveness - the sword.
Emotions and feelings are irrational, beyond direct control and only subject to influence. One controls their thoughts and actions regarding feelings, not the feelings themselves.
Beliefs, values, and convictions are those deep forces from within. Slow to alter, and subject to influences of thought and heart.
When people ask about H. Your truthful response is excellent - “I don’t know. H is taking some time for himself.”
“I’m ok with it.” You might want to alter a bit - “I’m learning to be ok with it.”
It’s ok to be authentic and still fake it. To be vulnerable and reach out, and still express strength.
You mind is listening, and slowly, and yet sooner than you can believe (and that my friend is a deep sentiment), you will have learnt and will be ok with it.
Have trust and faith, that empty feeling is temporary. You will be full again. And that current struggle transforms into a path of growth, which provides much fulfillment and true joy.
Focus and you and especially D3. Hearing about Santa, a sleigh ride, and her daycare party was wonderful.
You are doing very well dear Can.
DnJ
Jouraling~ After our busy morning shift, D3 & I went to our local library. Santa & Mrs. Claus were there for Storytime and a FREE photo (with your own camera). They were an amazing looking couple. Very authentic and did this voluntarily! And kids got a little gift too. We saw a few friends, got books, had an impromptu smoothie date with a mommy friend I work with.
While with my mommy friend, the kids did their thing & we chatted. Not one mention of H, which was a relief. I think another acquaintance has filled her in on some details, and that's okay. After that a few hours at the park with new and old friends of D3.
When we got home, our dear neighbor & friend was passing by, and asked about H. I paused & said, "Well....he's taking sometime for himself." With concern neighbor said, "Oh... he's gone for a while then?".....(something like that). I don't know what I said after that, but I think our other neighbor heard too. Oh well. All our neighbors are pretty close, we look out for each other. Most know H works away a lot. It's a big deal when he is home, as he's well liked by everyone, they miss him too. Now they will all know slowly, one by one, that H is "taking time for himself." I should just slip a note in their Christmas cards..lol.. or a BIG sign on the lawn? KIDDING!
I am adjusting to his absence, but like a dog waiting for its master, I still wake every morning wondering if today I'll hear something.
Still Breathing. No big cry. I was going to last night but was too tired..lol..or maybe I didn't need to?
Again, the daily battle to reach out plagues me. I am concerned if H is okay; not a harm to himself. And another part of me thinks he's just off unplugged from life. Well, we all know he's doing the latter for sure.
He knows he knows...I need to leave him be.
He knows he knows...just let him be.
He knows he knows.. things I don't understand.
This is the life of an MLC man.
Hang in there Can.
Dig for patience.
(((Can)))
DnJ
I can understand you wanting to reach out again. I was exactly the same.
I remember thinking if I did and he didn’t answer, I’d be more hurt and annoyed than I was before. It’s important that you think of your well being in all this.
We have a saying here, ‘he’s big enough and ugly enough to look after himself’.
If he doesn’t respond and you are at peace with that, then ok. You could just text asking if the is well. But be prepared for no response.
He’s being very unfair, especially as you have a small child. But then people who are depressed or in MLC are.
Is D3 asking for him at all?
I can understand you wanting to reach out again. I was exactly the same.
I remember thinking if I did and he didn’t answer, I’d be more hurt and annoyed than I was before. It’s important that you think of your well being in all this.
We have a saying here, ‘he’s big enough and ugly enough to look after himself’.
If he doesn’t respond and you are at peace with that, then ok. You could just text asking if the is well. But be prepared for no response.
He’s being very unfair, especially as you have a small child. But then people who are depressed or in MLC are.
Is D3 asking for him at all?
"He's big enough & ugly enough to look after himself." ha! This made me lol. My newest mantra when thinking about H in mlc is BIG & UGLY.
Yes, totally being unfair. Is he afraid to reach out? I want to know if he's okay, as in not in a deep depression. I feel like a bad friend for not checking in. Does that make sense? I don't expect him to respond. I would say, "Hi. No need to reply. Hope you are well & safe. In our thoughts."
D3 is not asking for him at all, but has in past months. She thinks he's still working. That's our normal too. She's only ever known for her Daddy to be away for 1/2 the year. IMHO, her being so young, she doesn't really grasp the concept of time. And for me as well, H being away months at a time at sea/work is normal. I'm use to doing things on my own, from day 1.
BIG & UGLY. Yep. That pretty much says it all.
Hang in there Can.
Dig for patience.
(((Can)))
DnJ
Thanks DnJ. I will dig. (Probably in the dirt later).
Journal~ Text & spoke with Step-MIL a bit this morning, eventually the subject of Christmas came up. I said I just want to stay here (home). I know we are welcome to spend it with them, but I'd rather be in my own home. I'm not even thinking that far ahead, but do know I want to be home.
I don't blame you....I'd want to be in my own home for Christmas, especially when you have a little one who is looking forward to the big day.
You are wise to take it one day at a time because anything can happen before Christmas.
I would rather be home with my little one too.
I’d be very very surprised if you didn’t hear from H over Christmas, even if it’s just a card. You will both be on his mind at this time.
Especially D3.
Btw, glad I made you lol at our little saying over here. We all need a giggle occasionally!
Journaling~ D3 & I did our Monday mommy & me thing. No one ask about H! What a relief! I was all psyched this morning, feeling more confident, having said my speal a few times now. I practice saying it, because I know people will ask.
"He's taking sometime for himself".
Now that those words are rolling out easily, what about those that ask for more details? How can you phrase things in such a way to stop the conversation going further? What can you say without sounding rude? I've thought of saying, "I'd rather not discuss it further./I really don't want to talk about it." Hopefully that sends a clear message. Is that rude or too blunt? I'm just being honest.
While on the subject of being honest, every car I hear, noises outside..is it him? Will he just come home? Nah. He'd reach out to see if he's welcome. Will he? Yeah I know..GAL..lol..
Btw, that book I got from the library on depression was horrible. The title was pretty hokey, I should have known better. Returned it the next day..lol..
Still standing because I believe in seeing things through. For me, not enough has been revealed to make any drastic changes. And especially for D3, I need to see this through for her too.
Keeping my eyes open for sudden/new changes. OH! THE MOON! New moon coming!
OMG I'm in shock. Disbelief.
Just as I'm on my way to bed, it's almost midnight...I check my email and..
WHATS THIS? An email from H? WHAT? Sent at 10am this morning.
Hi, I have a flight arriving 12/11 @0900
That's was it. That's all. I almost missed it jumbled amongst all the junk mail. (And an email from my Aunt that wants to visit. Love her, but NO visitors now!! NOT a good time).
Wednesday I'll be working. Made plans to see our mutual friends for lunch. (Have not spoken to friends regarding H, thank goodness).
My heart my heart.
Here we go friends.
Ps- And why not text? He hasn't emailed me in months!
Breathe!
When he returns home, listen to what he has to say. Do not ask a lot of questions and follow his lead. Both of you will most likely feel uncomfortable at first, but it will be okay. Make your home a safe place for him to land.
I'm glad he finally emailed you. BTW, do not say anything about his return to anyone at this time. Plans could change and you don't want to go through the hassle of saying "he's taking some time for himself" again.
Hang in there! Everything will fall into place.
Good Morning Can
For me, not enough has been revealed to make any drastic changes.
That is very wise.
Good for getting the feel of “He’s taking time for himself”.
As for follow up inquires/details. Yes, I know you don’t want to be rude. And truthful is still best; doesn’t need to be full disclosure of course.
How about:
“You know, I honestly don’t know what he is thinking.”
“Forgive me, this is really painful to talk about right now.”
The email from H.
Breathe!
Slow down.
What a way to let you know. Right?
He is being super low key. You be the same, well maybe a wee bit more, but no pressure.
No expectations!
Seriously!
He could be an emotional wreck, or void of emotions, or anything.
All he said was flight times. Whatever he is going to do, he is going to do. Be a safe place to land. He is confused and irrational. Keep your head about you and see where this is going.
Have you responded to his email? Keep it short. Maybe - Thank you for letting me know.
Keep your plans for that day and see what happens.
Remember some wise words, “not enough has been revealed to make any drastic changes“.
Breathe girl and let’s see what’s next.
DnJ
Can
A lot going on here
You will know more after H arrives
I like what Job said---dont mention this to anyone
if his name comes up stick to your mantra and change the subject
keep expectations low
if people push the subject...I like DNJ response
Thank you Job, DnJ, Peace. DEFINITELY not sharing his details with ANYONE.
Here's the reply I sent:
Hi, saw your message late last night, almost missed it.
I'll be working; D3 will be with me. Hope you're okay with Uber or/Taxi.
Safe travels
*I tried to keep it short..lol... kept my work details (hours & details) minimal. I never told him I got a job; almost 3 months now. Yes dear H, things have changed here.
He's a details guy, so minimal on the words is normal. I don't question the strange stuff like not signing his name or changing the subject line to reflect the body of the email. It's not english class...lol..
From his previous messages via text/private social media, his words were remorseful, shame, guilt...As always since day one of BD, I am here to listen. (Thank goodness I have Thursday off! ) I will listen with patience, and kindness. I don't know what he's going through, or how he managed while at sea. (he's the boss) I will respect him; he is my friend first and foremost, who is struggling.
The count down is on.
Nicely done with your response.
Nicely done with your response.
Thank you. I thought so too. Just following his lead, in a way. I had to change the subject line to reflect the email..lol.. but as he did, I did not put my name. Silly right?..lol.. we know who it's from.
I like the idea of being his friend
keep expectations low
be careful if he wants more
You have mo idea where he has been or where he is going
you and D3 first
I've barely had any sleep, functioning fine. It is what it is. Zero expectations. Hoping to keep the house tidy for at least 24hrs. When it's a mess, so am I. Any way, just the mstbr left, as usual. I got new bedding a while ago, new shower curtain in the en suit, a few new photos up in the main living area.
Change is good.
Last night I read over my personal journal. I usually write the truth, and in a way that if read by anyone I wouldn't care. My thoughts haven't changed. Standing through this. A storm is coming, but not sure if it'll drizzle or hail. All I can do it put on a jacket.
Tic toc.. tic toc.
Remembering to Breathe.
Hi Can
Get a good night sleep. Leave tomorrow and whatever happens, to tomorrow.
You’re going to do fine.
(((Can)))
DnJ
Recap of messsages (via email) this week......
H: Hi, I have a flight arriving 12/11 @0900
Me: Hi, saw your message late last night, almost missed it.
I'll be working; Riley will be with me. Hope you're okay with Uber or/Taxi.
Safe travels
H: Ok. I will. Thank you.
After I read his last message (via email), an image of a dog with its tail in between its legs appeared, head hanging low. Any way, I don't know where he departed from. But he's in the air already. Landing in less than 3hrs. I'm assuming he's coming home. He asked if he could come home almost over a month ago. (Can I come home? Do youwant me to?..[yes of course, it's your home too. D3 misses you].Omg, thank you. That was via text. Weird we're on email now. Whatever..lol..
I got everything done that I wanted to. It was for me; I was in cleaning mode before I knew he was traveling. I had 8 hrs of sleep, took a nice bath to relax beforehand.
So glad I've got plans today. I'm not stewing at home, waiting. After work D3 & I have lunch plans. There are mutual friends of H. I will advise H of or plans, and extend the invite, with zero expectation. I wouldn't not want go to lunch! ..lol...they don't know any of the sitch, other than its been a long season. For these friends I will say just that, "Things are pretty much done...it's been a long season.." I'm not going to say he took sometime for himself to these friends.
Well, gotta go to work soon.
Until next time. I will breath deeply, inhale positive energy, and exhale the rest....reset.. reset..reset...
H reached out and text me. I let him lead the conversation. Answers short & sweet. I invited him to lunch, no pressure...He said I could say to friends he's home. But, he's not ready to see anyone, but wants to see me & D3. He surprised me and asked about dinner plans! I said go out, so we are. Then he asked about work..
I ended it with ttyl.
Wow. So far so good.
Remember to breathe! You both have changed a bit since you last saw each other. Follow his lead, no pushing for answers and always, always be yourself. Good luck! I'm praying for you!
Positive thoughts your way and a bunch of fingers and toes crossed too.
AT
Hello Can
Take it slow.
You’re doing fine.
Thing of him like a squirrel. No sudden movements or he’ll scatter.
DnJ
I want to know too, waiting patiently here
I hope things are going so well that you haven’t had time to post!
Hi All. Scattered thoughts...lol..
His indeed home. He was waiting for us when we got home, hugged us both & sobbed a bit. D3 was so happy & surprised. They played all afternoon. I was included. I didn't ask H a thing really, just how are you... we got our favorite take out pizza, ate in.
Our communication has been good, thank goodness D3 is there. Makes things easier.
Last night & this morning he was complaining of pain in chest. I urged him to see a doctor & he did. High blood pressure; stress. He's been monitoring it. It's been high for 2 yrs. As he told me this he started crying, visible shaken up like I've never seen. I held him/comforted him, but first asked if I could. He sobbed again, I held his hands and said it's going to be okay. I am here for you, to help, what ever you need. "I don't deserve anything."...."YES, you do Okay". Eye to eye we exchanged these words.
D3 wants H to attend every activity. I said to him, it's up to you, it's okay if you're not ready. H did our full day routine. He enjoyed it, but I could tell his mind is else where. He's got A LOT of guilt he's holding onto. I can tell. I expect the worse & wish he'd just let it out so we can move forward, so he can not be as stressed. I'm not about to ask a thing or bait a hook. I have to be strong & patient with this man.
He's on the sofa. He's barely been on this phone. Highly unusual. But I'm living the second act of this movie right here. We are getting along like normal. Yes, it can be uncomfortable in silence, and I find that hard, but make small talk, not too much. Being myself, my best version. NO BIG UGLY TEARS!
This morning just before 5am, D3 woke up, got in my bed then asked for Daddy. I said try the living room. It's a small house, I can hear everything. "Dada? DADDY! WHERE ARE YOU?!!?" I was sad at first, but knew what he was doing. A hobby of his. He came back. I didn't say anything, D3 is very good at expressing her feelings. I hope her Dad opens up more.
Happy he's home for her.
Oh, I reached out via email, to my inquiring relatives that want to visit that we need time together as we've been apart, hope they understand, love & appreciate them. H Step-m text me that his dad is concerned. I showed H. Ask if he was going to deal with it or if I was going to? He just smiled and looked at his phone. I'm assuming he contacted his dad.
Another big, H is going to the dentist! I usually nag him, or get the office after him..lol.. this is a good thing. Hopefully H will work on getting his stress level down. H says it's not me..(No kidding!)
Any tips on getting your spouse to open up? Or just let them be? Is there a middle ground?
Hope everyone is well. Ps- I cooked tonight (I hate cooking) & H enjoyed it. He's the cook. (He didn't marry me for my culinary skills, but I do okay when I try...lol.. he's the cook. Looking forward to the meals he cooks.
Wow, I didn't make it through your whole post because the words got blurry as my eyes teared up. Im so glad you have positive news, you deserve it and hopefully there is much much more to come. Thank you so much for sharing!
AT
Hi Can,
You’re doing great. I wouldn’t press anything.
Time.........lots of time.
Can,
I am very happy he is home. Right now, it is important to be a friend and a good listener. He needs a good listener right now who isn't going to judge him. I know you can do this. When he's ready, he will open up. Continue as you have been and given him plenty of space and time...no pressure!
Can
You are doing amazing ...
one day at a time...one minute if needed
I sense the more you Lean back
he will lean forward
let him be the one to come forward
stay busy, positive and focused on the new you and life you been creating
stay strong, kind and open to his lead but dont pursue anything
watch and wait
D3 has an ear ache, so no sleep for her & I last night. H feel asleep before she did; she was sad he didn't say good night. In the middle of the night D3 got up, came into our room & was confused/sad Daddy wasn't there. I showed her Daddy was on the sofa. She seems worried, even going to work this morning, worried where Daddy will be. Will he be home?
During the middle of the night, D3 was up several times. H heard us. This morning he said he didn't know if he should help. I said kindly, oh yes, thank you, please do come ask. He opened up some more, catching up on financial stuff. THIS is big. I know our finances and I'm hoping resolving/planning solutions together will pave the way for the BIGGER things to be revealed.
So hard not to say, "Hey, I know what cards your holding. I'm on your team. We can work together and win". I'm okay with whatever comes my way. He's home & talking. AND wanting to fix things! Put D3s new bed together. Fix our vehicle. Guess that's guilt at work. I'll take it..lol.. Nice that we are communicating.
I am so impressed with your calm and non-threatening demeanor. I know it will be challenging to keep it up with him there, but I have confidence you will. What he does you can't control, but you can entirely control what you do.
Finally, and unfortunately, I know the situation. H is blown away at how I'm handling the truth. So am I. This forum prepared me well.
We talked. I can't make any decisions; I want my family. He wants something else, but is confused. We are cordial, have held each other, cried, laughed, held hands. I just want to hold him and not let go. He holds me just as tight, probably with guilt. I'm scared. Hurt. Wondering what if I?... would that of changed anything?
We're doing family activities. Both of us GALing. I don't know how long I have with him literally. Guess that's just how it is right?
I'm leaving this with a higher power. I don't know what else to do but be strong, what ever happens.
Merry Christmas? A memorabilia one. I'm hoping that our family gets stronger and doesn't separate. What can I do?
Fearful.
Can, so sorry you are suffering tonight.
Remember,nothing has changed. You already knew H was confused and that something was probably happening.
Standing means waiting this out. Believe nothing he has says and not much of what he does.
He will say and do a lot of awful things for a while.
You are way at the beginning. One of the best things I read here was I think from Jack Three Beans. He said that standing means outlasting MLC. All you have to do is outlast it. But you have barely started this journey. Let him go. Find your life with your kid, all the happiness you can find despite this cross you have to carry.
All of us think our story will be different. It's okay. Many here have a story that started like yours and ended with restoration. No matter what he says or does now, that is still possible.
Let him go. Keep faith and hope in your heart.
Nothing has changed from what you knew before this conversation with him, and all is not lost. You're just earlier on in your journey than you thought.
XO
So he confessed to an affair, I presume?
I had the same thought as kml, unfortunately. I think you are doing really well under the circumstances. Your inner strength is showing. Don't forget to set some boundaries early on to avoid heartache down the track.
Yes. I know the details. She's in a different county, from his past.
The BIG UGLY has reared its head.
We managed well after our talk. Had an outing with D3. Went to a neighbors party. WE HANG OUT!
I looked cute for the party & I know he noticed. He was attentive, watched out for D3. He's being a husband without the PDA. He does sit near me at times, sometimes really close, which is confusing. He asks about making plans for tomorrow.
I'm having a hard time sleeping. (no kidding duh..lol). But I am sleepy.
Can, trust us on this. Don't notice how little things you do affect him. He has to go to come back or he will only go again. That R has to crash and burn and that has to happen outside of you. Keep staying busy. Pull back without looking hurt. Show your heart only to your higher power or to the trees in a forest! I told my H, "Out of respect for our marriage and vows, I can't _____ while you are seeing someone else. But the door is always open." Not about sex but about whatever it is that feels too close -- in my case it was allowing him to help me after my mastectomy or allowing him to go on a trip with us to my favorite summer place that is a real place of peace and respite for me.
How old is your H?
Only time will tell, Can
He can go either way
He is showing up
sharing and trying..
how long before his next time at sea?
If it is not MLC, the chances are probably better
keep leaning back-gal
maybe share a feeling with him of something positive about your job and new life
I feel ....
Either way you are doing amazing..
try to keep your focus
when the pain and strong emotions hit---it it hard to remain calm-
Thank you Gerda & Peacetoday.
H is 42. Goes back to work end of April/May. Usually goes for a week of training in Feb.
I woke up today, read your posts. H had text me mins later (from the sofa) noticed I was awake. I ignored it. Then a second one, that it's his sisters birthday (his full sibling).
I got up to move our 'Elf On the Shelf'/do something for D3. H was in the bathroom and saw me in the living room. I can't help but notice how 'normal' he's being. I went back to bed D3 got up. I've been listening to them interacticting and it's very 'normal', the way he was but better? He told D3 they would call Auntie for her birthday. And the other day he reached out to his father to let him know he's home (finally). He's not ignoring his local friends that know he's home. These are all positive signs. I'm happy he's reaching out to people that care about him & not ignoring them. Last night talking about future plans with D3 together. And other plans together.
Apparently, (and we all know not to assume anything), H has not reached out to ow. I doubt that, but have noticed he's not glued to his phone. Who knows what happens when the lights are out.
I know I need to distance myself. I haven't seen my H in 7months so it's hard not to notice.
I will give it more effort.
I know that the elephant in the room is making things difficult right now and he feels the tension. He feels guilty and ashamed for what he's done. It's going to take some time for him to figure out how to repair your relationship and he's the one that has to do that....not you. He is the one that has to earn your trust back.
I would give him plenty of space and time. Continue as you have been. You have done nothing wrong, therefore, you need to continue to live your life as if and hope for the best. There is no guarantee if he will get himself together while he is on break now or if it won't happen after he lives for work again. But, in the meantime, try to enjoy what time you have together and do things w/your little one.
Dig deeper for patience and try to keep the focus on you and your little one.
Thank job.
After not sleeping well, releasing a bucket of tears & wailing into my pillow like a teenage girl, I felt ready to take on the day.
I was up at early, I guess he heard me. I ignored his 530am text (what are you doing? ...and another..It's my sisters bday today). D3 woke up, her and I cuddled then she went to him. I just lay in bed. When I did get up, I was upbeat & all business, as I had some tenant business to attend to. I continously kept my lips sealed & let him start conversations. I kept answers short. Always a smile. (I am happy he's there).
I got my morning coffee & upon exiting the kitchen HE initiated a hug. I was so not expecting that & luckily was able to put my scolding coffee down reciprocate appropriately. I was holding back a bit & he said, " What? That's a hug?" And he squeezed me tighter. It was long. Rocking gently, heads buried in each others shoulders. I wanted to pull away but just let him lead the way so he knew this way okay. I'm a hugger. I need touch. When he let go, he looked me straight in the eyes with the biggest happy/dumb smile. I smiled back, grabbed my coffee and went on to my business. I may have said, " That was nice".
H took charge of D3 while I did my thing. H called his sister for her birthday! THAT is HUGE! he's been ignoring family and is now opening back up to them. Very proud of him; I did mention during his confession that his family & friends care and have been deeply worried. H helped me set up some technical stuff I could of figured out. H was patient & walked me through everything.
We meet up with friends (A family of 7; grandparents adult kids our age x4 and 1 grandson D3s age), kids played, we all went to lunch. It was a really nice day.
H helped again with tech stuff & now we're all in our separate rooms napping..(I'm not lol).
Carrying on stronger. I've got THIS! Enjoy family time, and working as a team is all I ever wanted PLUS all the other lovely stuff. Giving space & time.
Journaling~ Still here. Standing & anxious, and playing it cool. Today was a total bust. Last night I locked my cell phone. Could not remember security code. Well, after 2am, and a lot of incorrect attemts, I let go, knowing I'd have to surrender & start freash. I would loss memories.
Before 6am, we all were up. I tried to remedy the situation security & was caught by H. Embassased, I sheepishly explain how it could of happened. It was a stupid mistake. H worked on it for 6hrs. Back & running.
H went out. D3 & I were napping, in our own rooms. I couldn't stand knowing his bags/personals were in the closet I snooped. Of couse I was hurt by what I found & had to remember the bigger picture and what I want.
I want my family. We're great as a family, we get along. And then there's the friends zone your living in. I need to GAL more. I took D3 out whild H got groceries. I was scared when H left. All these different senarios. As we were leaving I noticed I had H DL. Before I text, I see he has. Asked if I needed anything, got them & he made dinner. I didnt reply to text right away. Replied with little detail, just facts. He kept the conversation going. He even text that he returned home!?! He hasn' done that in a long time. Or just feels that way.
I noticed he was a bit moody. I know how to make him laugh still. D3 cracks him up too. We didnt really interact after dinner. I miss my friend. I just want to hang out. He was more engaged with his phone so I gave him space. H did share what he was doing, but didnt seem like he wanted to interacted. I
Being myself.
Breathe! Your h is home for now and is living under the same roof w/you and your daughter. I realize it is a stressful situation, but you've got to relax just a bit because he's picking up on your anxiety big time. Your fear of him walking out and not returning is going to drive you nuts.
Can you try to look at him as a roommate for the time being? It's going to take a while for things to settle down and return to normal. As for him being moody, remember...we all have days like that. Maybe you are watching him too closely and trying to figure him out.
I can't stress enough that you need to keep the focus on you and your daughter and most of all breathe!
Can,
How tough this must be for you and it brought me back to all the times XH would visit after separation, we would talk, he was kind and friendly most times until the D
and I would wonder....all the time...does it mean something? what is he thinking?
I wanted so bad to keep my family at that time...so i get it
I think they are conflicted...they love us too..their kids,
but the pull to be free is strong
to pursue the fantasy life
How old is he?
You are doing great and you will have ups and downs too
snooping wont help but weve all done it-
Hang in
find maybe a new hobby you can pursue while he is home
something that excites you
art, music, take dance lesson, crafts, volunteering, gardening
anything that sparks you
Breathe! Your h is home for now and is living under the same roof w/you and your daughter. I realize it is a stressful situation, but you've got to relax just a bit because he's picking up on your anxiety big time. Your fear of him walking out and not returning is going to drive you nuts.
Can you try to look at him as a roommate for the time being? It's going to take a while for things to settle down and return to normal. As for him being moody, remember...we all have days like that. Maybe you are watching him too closely and trying to figure him out.
I can't stress enough that you need to keep the focus on you and your daughter and most of all breathe!
Thanks Job. You're right. BREATHE!! I should be thankful that he's home & under our roof. It hasnt even been a week yet!. He thought I'd throw him out when he first got home. If I wasnt DB, the results may have been different. He's going to do what he wants regardless of my actions. It's good for us to be a family together as much as possible. Especially for D3.
I do try the room mate approch; he's already on the sofa, his bags are in our mstrbrm closet. (He could of put them in the den/office much closer to lvrm). Any way... I still have a crush on my room mate. And being without any physical connection for over 7 months!! has got my knickers in a twist. I can feel that energy when we are near each other. I need to transfer that into a safe activity!
D3 & I are starting our work week. That takes us away from home 3 days a week. Friday she'll be gone 8hrs to daycare. I'm trying to do Christmas activities when we can, and include H with no pressure.
Room mate, room mate. BREATHE!
Thanks Job
Thank you Peace. I'll reply later.
Can,
How tough this must be for you and it brought me back to all the times XH would visit after separation, we would talk, he was kind and friendly most times until the D
and I would wonder....all the time...does it mean something? what is he thinking?
I wanted so bad to keep my family at that time...so i get it
I think they are conflicted...they love us too..their kids,
but the pull to be free is strong
to pursue the fantasy life
How old is he?
You are doing great and you will have ups and downs too
snooping wont help but weve all done it-
Hang in
find maybe a new hobby you can pursue while he is home
something that excites you
art, music, take dance lesson, crafts, volunteering, gardening
anything that sparks you
Thank you Peace.
H is 42. This fantasy is in Europe. From his past. Snooping is done. It doesnt change anything, just stirs up all the BIG UGLY feelings again. When the opportunity comes up to snoop I now STOP myself and say it doesnt matter or act as if you're heading to R. (That's my goal, what I want.)
I stopped myself a few times yesterday from over analizing his actions. I need to focus more on me & D3. Give H his friendship space.
Yesterday was a good day. D3 & I went to work. H gets up with us (small house) helps with whatever. He's really being a great Daddy. He is & enjoys it; also sees the challenges that come with it & is handling it well. We parent well together.
While at work H text 7 times. H put D3s big girl bed together. Also had to take apart her crib. H did great. We communicated well. The mattress is an issue we're working on. I finished bed, he took D3 for a few hours. They ended up across the street with another family/neighbors. Kids playing. H text & called to see when Id be done. Then he called.
When I was done he said his friend wanted him to go out. H mentioned he saw him earlier; lives around the corner. I know him. I said Fun! That's great go! H replied, "Really?" Yeah, go, have fun. He got picked up and came home about 3 hrs later. I totally had to self talk myself to calm down. Different senaries played in my head. I STOPPED myself and had to repeat Act As If... it really helped.
He said hi when he got home. I was able to tidy while he was out. That felt good. I like a tidy home. I was ice, didnt ask a thing (normal Id ask friendly questions). I went to bed & didnt say anything.
Spent the evening doing a long night time routine, including self focusing on me. I feel great. Theres this shift, a good shift I can feel. Like all of a sudden this switch went off. A good vibration happening. Im going with it. Positive thinking.
Time to get up & start our routine. Love that my life has changes in it. My job. That goodness for that!
You are doing great! I wish I could untie you from the constant watching/waiting/trying but I totally get it. I am so glad you have lots of things to take your attention and help you GAL, including the job.
You are doing great! I wish I could untie you from the constant watching/waiting/trying but I totally get it. I am so glad you have lots of things to take your attention and help you GAL, including the job.
Thanks Gerda. I find hyper focusing on whatever I'm doing helps. It's horrible how it can consume your thoughts. A lot of self talk to say so what if he does that, who cares, does it matter?
I'm just into week 1 of having H back in the home after his "adventure". And thinking about that has to stop. It happened. And now he's here.
You’re doing great.
H has been home now almost 18 months. His ‘adventure’ is never far from my mind and I doubt very much that it will ever go away.
Yes, “it happened” but in a strange way, it the best thing that has happened in our marriage.
After almost 30 years together, I can now see just how much we had drifted apart. I can honestly say we now interact as we did ten years ago.
I wouldn’t change what happened, even though it was the most difficult time for all of us.
What will be, will be. But, you have had the most fantastic advantage.
You discovered this place way before you had to ‘deal’ with him and you’ve taken on board all the advice.
I believe that makes a heck of a difference.
You’re doing great.
H has been home now almost 18 months. His ‘adventure’ is never far from my mind and I doubt very much that it will ever go away.
Yes, “it happened” but in a strange way, it the best thing that has happened in our marriage.
After almost 30 years together, I can now see just how much we had drifted apart. I can honestly say we now interact as we did ten years ago.
I wouldn’t change what happened, even though it was the most difficult time for all of us.
What will be, will be. But, you have had the most fantastic advantage.
You discovered this place way before you had to ‘deal’ with him and you’ve taken on board all the advice.
I believe that makes a heck of a difference.
Thank you Westo. Wow. Over 30 years. We've been T11/M7 D3 (both in our 40s)
What you said really resignates with me. I totally get why he did it, doesn't make it right of course. Could we have done any thing different? Sure. Would it of mattered? Who knows. We can only move forward.
During our first confession session (what else can you call it? ) right before H spilled the details, he said what an awful person he was...etc etc.. H also said "I thought I'd break the cycle". (family history of multiple marragies from both parents, aunts and uncles on both sides & siblings) I said," you can break the cycle. My dad wanted to leave my mom for a neighbor when I was very little. They stayed together." (They loved each other, some rough moments but they stayed and were happy).
I too believe this can make a marriage stronger. Yes it happened, its BIG & UGLY, but we now have a chance to rebuild & work on having a better marriage. I so want that. I don't hate my H, he's the father of my child, my friend and the bedroom stuff is something I'm dying for! Willing to try new things (always have) to spark things up. But not rushing anything.
Thanks again Westo.
Journaling~ D3 & I worked. H helped a neighbor who's building an in-law suite. I've noticed H has been connecting more with friends & neighbors. During BD he claimed he had no friends. I'm happy for him to have these interactions. It's like he's GAL too.
After work I saw tickets were at 1/2 for a Christmas Train thing we did last year. I had told H I wanted to take D3 when tix go on sale. I text H tix were on sale, did he want to go with us. H said Yes/buy them. So excited.
Before train, D3 had a nap. H was in the garage, tidying things up. I have boxes of baby stuff to get rid of. H suggested what I could do with it. I listened & we spread it all out took a photo & its all for sale. He also took D3 crib apart and will reasemble in garage to sell.
Our Christmas Train event was fun. We had to sit squished together. It was nice. H was okay with it. My arm was around his shoulder. It was okay, relaxed, no weirdness. We took photos together, that was okay. All tired late night, all went right to bed.
Oh...H broght up finanes, I suggested we talk Friday. D3 will be in daycare. He has debt that we really haven't talked about it. I know about it because the information is available, plain as day, in our bank records. That's another BIG UGLY deal. Guess its good we're working things out together.
You are doing great. When you speak about the finances tomorrow, listen to what he says and validate whenever you can.
I have no doubt that you can handle this conversation and do it well.
Hang in there! Dig deeper for patience. You can do this!
Where did the debt come from? Was he just in denial about living expenses, was he spending secretly, or was this money spent on OW?
Some good resources on tackling debt:
Dave Ramsey's books and radio show - I hate his politics but his approach to debt is simple and empowering.
Mr Money Mustache website - great blog and message board on being frugal to become financially independent.
You are doing great. When you speak about the finances tomorrow, listen to what he says and validate whenever you can.
I have no doubt that you can handle this conversation and do it well.
Hang in there! Dig deeper for patience. You can do this!
Thanks Job. H brought up the finances last week & I did just that; listened, head nods. Whatever he talks about I do this. Queen Validator. I decided this morning that I didn't want to spend my free time on Friday with H. (D3 has daycare) This morning I wrote down on a little chart what he needed to know. I gave him the information, and offered a suggestion, he listened. He thanked me. I know this isn't the end of the conversation. He needs help figuring things out. We're total opposites with money. He spends, I'm frugle.
I handle the finances/pay all household bills, manage our rental property...I do it all.
YES! I CAN DO THIS!!
Where did the debt come from? Was he just in denial about living expenses, was he spending secretly, or was this money spent on OW?
Some good resources on tackling debt:
Dave Ramsey's books and radio show - I hate his politics but his approach to debt is simple and empowering.
Mr Money Mustache website - great blog and message board on being frugal to become financially independent.
Hi kml. I know what 98% of the debt is. I take care of paying bills, so I know how much he's paying on his credit cards. I think there is some denial over his debts. I'm very frugal & he's a spender. Because he's an excellant provider, I never have said too much.
I'm not sure but surely there is secret spending. Now that I know about his "adventures", that accounts for a lot of spending money this year. And I know the time frames of these trips too. I dont think any money from our rental property should go towards that. HECK NO! How do I say that? Can I even ask what hes been spending on? He usually falls back on what I know.
Im excellant with money. My father taught me well. My H hasnt a clue. He makes & spends. Now when he talks about the 2 cards he needs to pay off, he hangs his head down. I can see he's embarrased/ ashamed. And I cant ask a thing. Or can I?
See post above...We already talked a bit about it..
Journal~ Thurdays are the busiest for D3 and I. Right now I'm running on fumes & have soccer for her now. YIKES! Tonight my first outing with a gf since Hs return! SO EXCITED!!!
The money is a tough situation
If there is a way for him to get a credit card in his name only and no ties to you
its a thought...
depending on where you situation goes...
If he returns to the M and gets therapy and makes a decision to be all inclusive again..then perhaps as a couple you can agree on something
For now I would be watchful..they overspend like crazy in MLC
If he is leaving and going to continue to create more debt..well ...
You have to protect yourself and your property
They lie, steal and go above the law
I saw my XH going crazy overspending in his MLC and with OW
spending, trips, nail salons, gambling, drinking
Be clear and no denial with this because if he plans on leaving the M, he will take you down with him
when I realized the spending
I was lucky enough to get my name off all his credit cards immediately
for many years the credit companies tried to hunt him down and he owed thousands, I mean 10s of thousands
to all different cards
and on one occasion his OW charged thousands to a card that had no intention of ever paying
I sometimes got the bills at our business but because his name was not linked to mine
I was safe..
be smart here...
We dont know his motives for being home or his intention for the future
yet
The money is a tough situation
If there is a way for him to get a credit card in his name only and no ties to you
its a thought...
depending on where you situation goes...
If he returns to the M and gets therapy and makes a decision to be all inclusive again..then perhaps as a couple you can agree on something
For now I would be watchful..they overspend like crazy in MLC
If he is leaving and going to continue to create more debt..well ...
You have to protect yourself and your property
They lie, steal and go above the law
I saw my XH going crazy overspending in his MLC and with OW
spending, trips, nail salons, gambling, drinking
Be clear and no denial with this because if he plans on leaving the M, he will take you down with him
when I realized the spending
I was lucky enough to get my name off all his credit cards immediately
for many years the credit companies tried to hunt him down and he owed thousands, I mean 10s of thousands
to all different cards
and on one occasion his OW charged thousands to a card that had no intention of ever paying
I sometimes got the bills at our business but because his name was not linked to mine
I was safe..
be smart here...
We dont know his motives for being home or his intention for the future
yet
I know 98% of what his debts are. We have no shared credit cards; all his cards are in his name. (I have my own, his money pays my bills..Im frugal). I can see payments he makes on each cc as its taken out of his/our account. We have joint accounts. He's the bread winner and I manage the house hold bills, our rental property. Until now/BD, I've never really questioned his spending (didnt like some of his choices) because he makes the money, supports the family.
His motive for being home? His daughter. His intentions? Spend time with his daughter. Beyond that I havent a clue.
SELF-TALK
Keep focused on what YOU want
Keep positive
CanBird,
You may want to consider setting up a separate account in your name and move some of your money over to that account. There is no way to determine if he's going to spend to the high heavens or he'll remain status quo. Have you given any thought as to setting up a spreadsheet to show him just where all of the money goes each month? This may help temper any upheavals in his behavior if he has something in black and white that shows what each of you has been spending. He may not even be fully aware just how much goes out each month.
As for his motive for being home? I wouldn't be looking for a motive. I would be enjoying the time that you and your little one have w/him in the here and now. We can't see too far into the future because it has not begun to reveal itself. The present is a gift, a gift of precious time...use it wisely for once it's gone, you can't get that time back.
Hang in there and keep the focus on you and your child.
H started to talk as I was trying to leave, I was in the car. The not talking isnt helping. We need to talk about What Next. I tried to keep it together, didnt cry (yet). We didnt really talk; had to pick up D3, which he did because she asked him to.
So what next? While D3 was at daycare H came with me to run my errands. We bought gifts for D3, he bought stuff to cook, wine? (Why is he being so nice? ). H "should we put up the tree for D3" I asked him if he'd be here for Christmas. H; do you want me to? Should I go? me: I don't want you to go. I don't want you to go at all. (Oops! I spoke my heart. I also said I DO want to talk. Ive been waiting for him to start things. He's been waiting for me.)
Well, at least he's here for another week.
Ps- Going out last night was great. H came home. I left pretty quick. Was home a few hours later before 11pm. He was asleep (not..I saw him look up a few times). Nice to see my friend that use to live here.
Okay. I think I need wine. I have a kiddy party in the morning, at a trampoline park! Will take it easy.
Journaling- H & I continued our conversation throught the evening in bits. I did more probing regarding spending. He was forth coming about whatever I asked. We had a family swim together, H bbq steaks, we all ate together. H & I put C Tree up after D3 went to bed. He installed this fancy voice activated
I felt that since we both agreed the "not talking method " was uncomfortable, for tonight, I could ask more questions. Try a different approch. We both talked more about us. I said we never gave ourselves a chance to work on things before we got here. Not fair to us & not fair to D3. We havent even given us a try. Moving forward with this/us or whatever you call it, what is your plan H? Have you thought that far ahead? What about D3? H showed some emotion.
H wants something different, a change. Well, you did something different now what? H says, "What do you want?" My same reply," I want my family I want us." I don't care about what happened, I don't. I at least want to give us a try. H got emotional. "If we try something new? Like if we moved? If we rented our place out and lived somewhere else? ....pause... What is this? Did he just say US? I had to stop myself from spoiling the moment so I zipped up. I reached out and grabbed his arm. We then held hands for a while. I got up said good night & headed to bed.
Going to have a spring in my step tomorrow. Literally; going to a trampoline b'day party.
He knows how you feel
I would say no more
saying one thing and doing another is common here-
let him lead
You will know soon enough what his plan is and try to keep expectations low
watch his actions
If this is MLC it is different than just an affair-
more complicated and it will take time--
Dig for patience and trust the process
I agree w/Peace. He knows what he has done and how it has impacted your life and that of your child. He is feeling very guilty and ashamed of what he's done. He now knows how you feel and he will be taking a temper check w/you throughout the holiday. If he thinks you are upset or angry, he will ask you if you want him to go...just tell him that it is up to him to decide what he wants...that you've already told him how you feel about things. If he opts to stay, time will tell where his mind is.
Keep your expectations very, very low. You listen, but observe his actions. Actions speak louder than words. An affair is one thing, but if this is true blue MLC, it's going to be far more complicated and a much longer road to the other side for both of you.
For now, listen, listen and keep the focus on you and your child. Give your h plenty of space and time. Just be yourself and try to enjoy the holiday. Time is truly on your side.
Thank you Peace & Job. I agree with all you both stated. Actions speak volumes.
Now I'm wondering about his MLC? . Since 'A' reveal, I see more of the person I know. Biggest was drinking; its normal. Not super irritable, not grumpy/mean. A bit of depression/bordom. The activities he enjoys he isnt doing. (We live in a warm climate). He can do other things, but because of his weight gain I think thats partly stopping him. (I was surprised he came home bigger. I thought he'd be mlc thin).
So much more attentive with D3. He's not ignoring friends when they call, but only socializes a little. He's not doing any strange behavior. Talks a lot about what we need to do here. But yes. Actions speak.
So back to me. Yes, I've said enough. The space I've been giving was really detached. We both agreed that was just more of what drove us apart: lacknof communication. I'm giving the R talk space & time. Everything else I'll just gadge it.
We put the Christmas Tree up last night. Time to decorate tonight. I'm going to check out what activities we can do together outside the home. We need adventure! H suggested a whale watch (its warm here) I say we do it! D3 has never been. Okay holiday spirit, lets do this!
Canbird - you are doing so very well!
To me, the telling bit in what he said is that he wants to change things; rent out the house and move for a bit.
He does not say he wants things to return to the way they were before his affair. His desire to leave could be a mere transition adjustment, typical in a healthy midlife realignment of life goals. Or, it could be his desire to run from himself if he is in MLC. Desire to run will be high because their pain is great and they are trying to self medicate through avoidance.
Time will tell. MLC is marked by confusion. They yo yo, from day to day and moment to moment. They forget things they said days ago, moments ago. You will be able to tell if it is MLC. It is not just an affair. In fact, I don’t think mine had one. I had a live - in wallower.
Don’t be afraid to ask questions in the times he does open up. Some of them go through periods where they jabber away. This will help you better understand what this is. If he says he wants to change things, you can ask “oh, what don’t this you like about being here? Where do you want to go and how will that make things better?” Be non judgmental and he will probably sing like a canary at this point. It will help you better understand what this is. If it is MLC the confusion will be apparent.
Focus on you and stay positive.
one more thought
How hold was the affair partner
MLCers tend to go younger(not always) but it does seem a lot will
Re:moving. Don’t do anything that hurts you financially. Going along with the desperate whims of a depressed spouse is a recipe for financial pain. (Ask me about my ex’s vacant lot in Baja MX).
They’re unhappy with their life and looking for something - anything - to make them feel better. It can be affairs, drugs, shopping, anything that gives them a temporary high. It’s good that he’s thinking of something that doesn’t apparently have to do with the OW (unless, of course, he wants to move somewhere closer to her? Are you sure you know her current location? He wouldn’t be the first WAS to convince his spouse to move somewhere that is to his advantage and then leave for OW, making you stuck in that state because divorce laws won’t let you move away with the kid. )
Why do you think he wants to move to the particular place he has in mind? Does it make sense? Would it be a better place for you to be if he walks out? If not, try to redirect him to other “new” things instead. Be “new” yourself - new hairdo, new look, new attitude, new hobbies.
He seems to have some remorse, please get some condoms so that if you do end up sleeping with him you are protected against stds. (No mater what he says, he did NOT use condoms with the OW, trust me).
Be the interesting woman living an interesting life that he might want to join. Don’t let him drag you around chasing something to fill that unfillable hole he has inside.
Canbird - you are doing so very well!
To me, the telling bit in what he said is that he wants to change things; rent out the house and move for a bit.
He does not say he wants things to return to the way they were before his affair. His desire to leave could be a mere transition adjustment, typical in a healthy midlife realignment of life goals. Or, it could be his desire to run from himself if he is in MLC. Desire to run will be high because their pain is great and they are trying to self medicate through avoidance.
Time will tell. MLC is marked by confusion. They yo yo, from day to day and moment to moment. They forget things they said days ago, moments ago. You will be able to tell if it is MLC. It is not just an affair. In fact, I don’t think mine had one. I had a live - in wallower.
Don’t be afraid to ask questions in the times he does open up. Some of them go through periods where they jabber away. This will help you better understand what this is. If he says he wants to change things, you can ask “oh, what don’t this you like about being here? Where do you want to go and how will that make things better?” Be non judgmental and he will probably sing like a canary at this point. It will help you better understand what this is. If it is MLC the confusion will be apparent.
Focus on you and stay positive.
Thank you HaWho. I understand his reasons for wanting certain changes; all he does is work, literally. The money is great, but he feels stuck there. Doesn't see any better prospects. He wants that to change; not working so much, but doesn't see how. The rental suggestion; we've talked about it before. Not sure if we'd stay here or a different state. (Ow is not a concern. That sitch is in a different country. I have hard evidence & not worried) .
I will stay focused. Thank you.
one more thought
How hold was the affair partner
MLCers tend to go younger(not always) but it does seem a lot will
I don't know her age, guessing close to his. Ive seen her photo (on fb..I have an account. H does not. There are dozens of ways to communicate via the
www..not concerned.). She's in another county. They had a thing years ago; she broke his heart. And we met 2 years after that.
Re:moving. Don’t do anything that hurts you financially. Going along with the desperate whims of a depressed spouse is a recipe for financial pain. (Ask me about my ex’s vacant lot in Baja MX).
They’re unhappy with their life and looking for something - anything - to make them feel better. It can be affairs, drugs, shopping, anything that gives them a temporary high. It’s good that he’s thinking of something that doesn’t apparently have to do with the OW (unless, of course, he wants to move somewhere closer to her? Are you sure you know her current location? He wouldn’t be the first WAS to convince his spouse to move somewhere that is to his advantage and then leave for OW, making you stuck in that state because divorce laws won’t let you move away with the kid. )
Why do you think he wants to move to the particular place he has in mind? Does it make sense? Would it be a better place for you to be if he walks out? If not, try to redirect him to other “new” things instead. Be “new” yourself - new hairdo, new look, new attitude, new hobbies.
He seems to have some remorse, please get some condoms so that if you do end up sleeping with him you are protected against stds. (No mater what he says, he did NOT use condoms with the OW, trust me).
Be the interesting woman living an interesting life that he might want to join. Don’t let him drag you around chasing something to fill that unfillable hole he has inside.
Thanks kml. Good point on the not moving.
H talked about US making changes. He was merely throwing ideas around, ones we've discussed before, as a means to bring in additional income. I'm assuming we'd stay in the same state, just a different area. He did not mention a particular l location. (OW is in a different county. I have hard evidence on this. ...see above post for more details on that sitch.) His unhappiness brought on his desire to seek adventure outside the marriage. Prior to his adventures, he was drinking much more than usual and had all the classic mlc drama.
I will pick up protection. I want to have sex! Its been months!.. lol.. thats a whole other post. I'll just continue being the interesting woman that I am.
CanBird,
If your h is in crisis, he is looking for changes. He thinks that making changes to where you live, etc., will make him feel better. They aren't thinking about how the changes would affect us. Making changes is a way to alleviate some of those unsettled feelings and longings that they have and believe it or not, those changes, won't make a bit of difference in the months ahead, because he'll continue to want to move this place or that place, makes changes within the home, the way he dresses, the food he eats, the friends he had, etc. It's all about those unsettled feelings within himself.
If there is a way to "softly" guide him to stay in the home that you are in, then I would do so. There is no guarantee that if you moved, that he would stay there for very long.
I also agree w/kml...use protection as you do not know whether he brought home something that keeps on giving or whether he used protection. Look out for yourself...do not rely on him to be honest about this.
If the reason for moving is to move where rent is cheaper, bear in mind employment opportunities for you may not be as good either .
CanBird,
If your h is in crisis, he is looking for changes. He thinks that making changes to where you live, etc., will make him feel better. They aren't thinking about how the changes would affect us. Making changes is a way to alleviate some of those unsettled feelings and longings that they have and believe it or not, those changes, won't make a bit of difference in the months ahead, because he'll continue to want to move this place or that place, makes changes within the home, the way he dresses, the food he eats, the friends he had, etc. It's all about those unsettled feelings within himself.
If there is a way to "softly" guide him to stay in the home that you are in, then I would do so. There is no guarantee that if you moved, that he would stay there for very long.
I also agree w/kml...use protection as you do not know whether he brought home something that keeps on giving or whether he used protection. Look out for yourself...do not rely on him to be honest about this.
Thank you job. I don't want to move. We have a sense of community here and thats important for D3 and I. We've got a routine, friends. A perfect location accessible to everything too. THAT is a good reason not to move. We can incease the rent on our rental property slightly, its pocket change but something Ive suggested. We've also talked about my plans for work in the future, (I have a plan) but that cant happen without increased daycare days. Im looking into it. These discussions are ALL about bringing in more income.
Id be really surprised if H changed his outward look (hair & dress). Why wouldnt he have already made those changes? He wont change his hair or clothes. He needs to work on his physical & mental health will benifit. His blood pressure has been really high all this season at work, he's been keeping an eye on it, checkjng it. I met him big, married him slim. Hes been up & down. Don't matter to me, but being healthy is. We eat healthy, but I bought some extras that can help lower bp. All the stress he's caused himself is a factor. He's making changes to his diet. (Not heavy drinking is a huge change).
Condoms are on my list. No glove, no love.
If the reason for moving is to move where rent is cheaper, bear in mind employment opportunities for you may not be as good either .
The idea is to rent out our main house to bring in extra income. (We already have a tiny rental home/cottage/in-law suite on our property). We would move & rent. We've talked about it before bd.
Id hate to disrupt the D3 routine I have.
I think H was just merely throwing out ideas on how to get extra income. I was just surprised he said US as a family.
One day at a time.
Journaling- D3 & I had a fun Bday party. At home we played outside. I love digging in the dirt so that was for me. D3 did her thing. H was in our garage, I didnt even notice..lol.. he's been tinkering with a drone his father gave him. Hooray! He found a new hobby! Photography is a shared hobby of ours.
Have D3 all day had taken its toll. H took her and they went to a park until dark. H called me later, had D3 talk. They picked me up for dinner. H was showing some of those stressful looks. Not sure what was up. D3 was on the naughty side, so maybe that was it. He's not use to seeing that side of her.
After dinner we drove around a few neighborhoods to look at Christmas lights. D3 really liked it. We all went to bed early.
OH! A book Ive been waiting for arrived at the library! SO excited but have a week to read it. Ha! Good luck with that..lol.
Not sure what we're up to today. Plans are for D3 & I. I always extend the invite to H; ask once & leave it.
H has a guy (friend of a friend) coming over to do an estimate on new gutters. Been needing it for a long time. Adds value to the home. More money out the window, but I agree we need it. Our house is tiny.
Tic toc Christmas. I know, enjoy the present, its a gift.
Journal~ Standing for My Marriage. I don't believe the big D is the solution. Giving our marriage the second chance it NEEDS is a start. Not going back to the old ways. Recognizing what each of our needs is in order for the marriage to be the BEST it can be moving forward. This can be.
Off line for a Bit
Christmas is a time of renewal, time for new beginnings and second chances. It is a magical time for all.
Wishing you and your family a very Merry Christmas! Aloha!
Merry Christmas and keep up the good work, CB!
Merry Christmas Can
All the best.
DnJ
Journaling~ Happy Holidays? Yes. We actually had a really nice Christmas. D3 is at such a cute age, really into the spirit of Christmas. H & both helped her prepare for Santa, with baking cookies, letters, carrots for reindeer. H had a great "Santa" app on his phone that did all sorts of personalized things, like video chat with D3, leave a message. So cute & realistic! Christmas morning lots of gifts, H made us breakfast, we played with Legos. Later we had dinner with friends, & their family. D3 played with a boy her age who is visiting. So cute. (We've had a few playdates).
The weather got windy & rainy as we left. The power was off when we came home. We got D3 to bed by flashlight. We had a glass of wine, by candle light, I curled up on H until the power went back on. I could have lay there all night. We did fall asleep on the sofa for a bit, but I got up and went to bed. I want intimacey from him SO badly. It pains me to go without. I know I can take care of my own needs, but I want my husband. I have protection, but my heart doesnt. Best to keep expectations low. Zero low.
A few days ago, during R talk, H really opened up about this empty feeling he's been carrying with him for as long as he can remember (back to childhood). I felt sad for him. We embraced as he shared with me. He got emotional and said I didn't do anything. We again spoke about the importance of communication, especially for D3. H has really stepped up with sharing his GAL plans. I encourage him to GAL, always have. Hopefully we keep this positive talk up.
Although we are still in separate rooms, we are under the same roof.
Merry Christmas CB. You’re update is really encouraging and sounds like you are taking things one day at a time and not trying to push things. Hopefully this is the beginning of a much-improved MR between the two of you. It takes time though so keep on GALing and stay focused on self-improvement. Your H has lots to work out and can only do it successfully at his own pace. Sounds like you are doing a lot of listening. That’s important to keep doing I think. Really crossing my fingers for you...it is heartwarming when WAS’s find their way back to their family. (((HUGS)))
Good that he can talk to you about the feelings. I hope that keeps up. I haven't mentioned it here, but my S's best friend's father left his wife and 4 children over the summer. He rented an apartment for a month. The wife was a natural DBer. He tried to come back after a week. She told him to take advantage of the him time and let her handle the kids. He came back after that month. He's still there. He's talking. No guarantees, but I have hope for them as I do for you and yours.
Journaling~ I'm doing my version of GAL & H is doing his. Sometimes we do things together with D3 or we take turns, depending on what our schedules are like.
I noticed H contacting his family & friends more. He's been fixing cosmetic things on the house & tooling around in the garage with his vehicle. GAL! "We should do this...we need to do that..." A lot of we.
Now that the holidays are over, I'm just cruising one day at a time. I'm thankful he's home. Of course I know things can change in a heartbeat; if so let's focus on good changes for an improved MR. That's what Im standing for. I can't detach too much; that's what one of our biggest problems was. Communication.
Sending out peace live and happiness.
Journalling~ D3 had an emotional day. We picked her up early, went for early dinner, then met with friends at the park. Kids played, we socialized for a while until sunset. Ate leftovers at home, we put D3 to bed. H asked if I wanted to watch a movie. I was exhausted, but took the invite. We have a sectional and he sat pretty close. Our arms touched. We shared a pillow. I've noticed he's been sitting closer to me or offers me to sit near him, gets me refreshments. When I get up from the sofa.. where you going? He's being a little flirty actually. I like this attention! But, im playing it cool.in bed before him.
BIG plot twist, H is in talks with his mom to come visit! I adore her. She wants to come asap. As far as I know, noone in either of our families knows our sitch. H was looking at tickets. That means H doesnt sleep on the sofa but the msbr? We have a small house. To keep up normal appreances this will happen.
Excited to see how this plays out.
Can
Your situation sounds very hopeful..
You are doing amazing..really!
Good luck
I am rooting for your M
Journaling ~ Great family day hanging out with another family/friends. H informed me his mom is flying in Monday on a one way ticket; says, "she can stay as long as she wants.." I LOVE my MIL and welcome her visit. Totally surprised this is happening so fast, and welcome it. I'm just going along with whatever is happening, within reason of course. H continues to be flirty. When MIL gets here it'll really be interesting. Of course I want to ask H if he's going to share our sitch with his mom, but my heart of heart says no. I don't think he's going to say anything re his "adventures". She's not the prying type; here to listen. I think she's here to help us continue to heal. Thankful we're getting a second chance. Although H hasn't said it, the wheels seem to be in motion towards that.
Continuing to breath deeply and be the best version of me I can be.
Breathe! Continue being you and doing what works.
As for the MIL, I doubt that her son will tell her about his adventures. Watch closely the interactions that they have. He may be a bit nervous around her for a bit and then warm up. Enjoy the time you have w/your MIL. It will be interesting to see how everything plays out, i.e., will he continue to sleep on the couch or move into the MBR...
Enjoy the rest of your holiday!
Hi Can,
Great update. I hope you both can have some Can and H date nights while MIL stays. You both could do with some time together as a couple.
Breathe! Continue being you and doing what works.
As for the MIL, I doubt that her son will tell her about his adventures. Watch closely the interactions that they have. He may be a bit nervous around her for a bit and then warm up. Enjoy the time you have w/your MIL. It will be interesting to see how everything plays out, i.e., will he continue to sleep on the couch or move into the MBR...
Enjoy the rest of your holiday!
Thanks Job. I agree; I dont think he'll go into detail about his adventures, but perhaps he might open up & share the depression side of MLC. The emptiness/lack of feeling he's always carried.
Yes, the sleeping arrangements! I'm pretty sure he will return to the mbr. Its a small house. We've got a CalKing so plenty of room.
Continuing to breathe. Deep inhale... deep exhale.
Hi Can,
Great update. I hope you both can have some Can and H date nights while MIL stays. You both could do with some time together as a couple.
Hi Westo! H actually mentioned us doing an activity together as a couple. I'd love a date night without D3. But as a couple. Not this room mate senerio we have going on. He's been showing his flirtatious side this week, so I guess anything is possible.