Just read this book - DivorceBusting.com

Husband asked for a divorce 1 month ago since them I have been crying and begging
We have been married 30 years He has a job we�re he is gone 4 days a week but hasn�t been coming home
When he is off . Says he will be coming home tomorrow and I am so worried that I will fall down on my dB
I have been trying so hard to do this for a week
How do I keep myself from throwing myself in his arms ,I miss him so much.
Also should I have sex if he wants to or will that be counter productive
Thanks for any encouragement

Welcome to this board.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD,
Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)

I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.

This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.

I would start with the going dark link.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post50956

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2537289#Post2537289

Resources thread(last post only)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2592296#Post2592296

Things you should know as the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2701017#Post2701017

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Doormat Tactics
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1942444#Post1942444

Standing vs leaving
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1966340&page=1

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

Musings from AmyC
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2253741#Post2253741

MLC Signs
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2177869#Post2177869

The Final Stages Withdrawal to Acceptance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2074403&page=1

WAS showing you positive signs? WAIT - READ THIS!
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2772942#Post2772942

Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.

I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources.
You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.

Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!

Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.

I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.

Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you!
Start your homework assignments.
Something to DO while you are on moderation.
GAL.
Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath.
In general take care of your self first.

Detach the single most important thing to DO.

Your H/W has given you a gift
THE GIFT OF TIME
use it wisely

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon

Breathe! When he comes home, you are going to have to put your best actress skills to work. Treat him as if he's a roommate just coming in from being away for a while. Don't raise the question of a divorce or jump right in talking about the relationship. If he brings up the divorce, listen and validate and say, I'm sorry you feel that way, but I need time to adjust to the thought of being divorced.

It's going to be difficult, but you need to really listen to what he says, watch the body language and try to act as normal as you can.

As for sex, that is a personal preference and one only you can make. However, I would caution you to use protection since you do not have any idea where he's been and with whom.

Read the detachment thread, if he attempts to get you into a heated discussion, walk away or change the subject very quickly. He's going to want justification for walking out the door...do not take the bait or drink the kool aid that he will offer up to you.

Again...breathe!

Thanks
This is very hard work!

Hello Dispatch

I�m sorry you find yourself in this situation. Please know you are in a safe place here, with many kind and compassionate people with much hard earned wisdom.

job is correct. Treat him as a roommate. Validate his feelings and don�t expect much from him.

A lot of the advice you will hear is counterintuitive; it feels wrong. It will go against what you think you should do, what you�ve always done before. For example you probably want to fall into his arms and tell him how much you love him - Don�t!

He needs time and space. Any pressure and he will bolt.

Remember he said he wants a divorce. Give him space for his feelings to change. Give him time to change his mind.

Do not get in an argument - that is a lot harder than it sounds by the way, so be mindful. H is looking for any justification to further his view of things. Do not take his bait.

Posting here helps. Ask questions, vent, tell us what is going on. You have found a really good place, make use of the many viewpoints and lessons people have.

You said you have been married for 30 years. Ages? Any kids?

H works away 4 days a week but hasn�t been coming home. How long has this been going on? Just the 4 weeks?

As for sex. See how the day goes with him back home. The roommate idea extends to sex as well.

It sounds like you�re familiar with DB. That�s good.

Focus on you. Stay strong.

DnJ

Falling into his arms is just what I want to do
Four kids
S-30
S-25
S-23
D-20
Bd-10/1/19
Me 50 H-51
He hasn�t been home for three weeks he has been going to Tennessee to get his glider ticket
And sleeping there when he has been off and I only started DB for 4 days
He is coming home because he needs to go to the doctor
I don�t think he is having a physical relationship maybe a emotional one

Good Morning Dsp

You got a big family, just like me. I also have 3 boys and a girl - S23, S22, S19, and D17.

Is H�s glider ticket for work? And is the doctor appointment for the glider license?

How about you, do you work? Ha. A mother of four. Of course you work! Lol. Anyhow, do you have a job?

Your just starting out on this unwanted journey. The first days of shock are gone and lots of emotions are stirred up. Your mind is racing, and you probably aren�t sleeping very well.

I do remember how it was. I assure you, it does get better - much much better. Honest.

This journey, wherever it is heading, is going to take a while. Do not sit at home, pining the days away. GAL - Get A Life.

That doesn�t imply you don�t have a life. It means to focus on you and your life. Activities, especially physical ones, help sort through the emotions. Anger is pretty common and usually shows up in a bit. Do something physical, sweat the anger out. Active is good for you, and releases that anger. Otherwise you�ll blow up all over H or someone or somewhere else.

Focus on you. Stay in control and calm (as best you can) today, and see what happens.

I look forward to hearing about your day.

DnJ

Thanks so much for the encouragement
No the glider ticket is a dream he has always had
Plus its away from me ,fun and camping .
He hurt himself and when he went to the emergency room they found something
On the bone so he had to come home to have a closer look
I work full time as a aircraft dispatcher it�s a good job so my worries aren�t for money
I took this job in January and we moved away from are kids which broke his heart
That where he plans to go after the divorce. I miss them so much and don�t have many friends
Here

I have been reading the threads and it sounds like a lot of people lose this fight but also they keep breathing
I especially found your posts DnJ to be hopeful
Thanks so much

I�m sorry you are here, but you are in the best place.

Listen to all the advice you are given. It comes from so much experience. You will learn what not to do.

Take care of yourself, it will be a rollercoaster ride, but you will get through this.

Ok he is home and I can�t spend more than 5 minutes with him before I want to throw myself in his arms
And he is still saying he is divorcing me but want to know if I want to go with him to a October fest thing at the glider field WTF
Help!

Cognitive dissonance is something that both sides will struggle with. Where thoughts and actions don't line up.

He needs to know that you are taking him seriously and that he's fired you from the role of wife and companion. As tough as that is to accept.

Find things to do so that you aren't tempted to throw your arms around him. Try to think of him as a roommate and nothing more.

He is definitely waffling back and forth and it's very typical. Do you want to go to the October Fest? If not, just advise him that you have other plans and do not share them w/him.

Breathe!

Yes I want to go I love airplanes and live music and good beer with my best friend sounds great
Out in the back yard right now starting a fire in the fire pit , listen to bluegrass and trying to avoid him
This roommate thing seems impossible but I am trying

Breathe.

He is going to act irrationally and erratically.

Take it easy on yourself. This is crazy hard stuff to get a grasp on at first.

One of the big problems is he doesn�t see anything wrong with divorcing you and still doing things.

As for his invites and other suggestions, buy yourself some time. Try - I�m not sure, let me think about it. Or - That does sound interesting, let me get back to you. Businesslike, I know. Sounds a little stiff, but he is not the same H you know, right now.

Remember he is looking to divorce you. By the way, it�s ok if this doesn�t make sense, he is acting on emotions, totally irrational. We�ve all seen this kind of crazy behaviour, and there is nothing you can do to snap him out if it..

Just breathe.

Focus on you.

(((Hugs)))

DnJ

Hi DS

Apparently my browser hadn�t refreshed and I missed all the posts, before I responded.

Originally Posted by Dispatch

Yes I want to go I love airplanes and live music and good beer...

Would you go on your own?

I ask because if it is no way, then you are wanting to go because of H.

If the answer is yes or even maybe - then go. Have fun. Be a �good� roommate.

DnJ

Thanks I am dieting here 😭

I am blowing it

You�ll do fine.

Just sit around the fire. Let him do most of the talking. Just listen and validate when necessary.

Step by step is how you get through this. Focus and get though tonight. Tell us about it tomorrow. It will be alright - you�ll see.

DnJ

Breathe! You aren't going to hit all of the DB techniques in one day. It takes time and patience and do not beat yourself up if you fall. We all have been where you are right now. Time truly is on your side and you need to dig deep for patience because you will need it.

You can't reason w/someone who is irrational. He is not thinking clearly and what is happening is that he's operating on emotions and when emotions are running high, well....they do not listen. So, you listen and validate as best as you can.

The man you see now is going to be the exact opposite of the man you love. He is becoming the mirror image of the man you love. You will see and hear many things and they won't make sense to you...but they do to him. Try not to argue w/him. Walk away or change the subject if he wants to nit pick.

You can do this!

Well I am back
first day he was home I fell flat on my face begging and crying
But the next morning I woke up and started over and we had a very calm day.
And it almost felt like normal but I did my dB and it seemed to work not
That he changed his mind or anything main thing is I wasn�t a crazy person all day
Sad that this felt like such a achievement
The ride to camping was bad I was fine but it seemed everything I did irritated him and
He was just being a real jerk but I kept my calm took made deep breaths and we got to the
Glider field. When we got there I almost immediately got a glider ride ,side note it was the most fun I have had in months and was exactly what I needed. The rest of the afternoon was good he didn�t seem mad anymore.
We walked around met new people and ran into people we both knew it was good for him to see me as the aviation professional I am ,in general had a good time not prefect just a few small things. We tent camped and I think he was just so surprised that I came and slept in a tent with no complaints he was great on the way home.
He unblocked from Facebook, not friends but I can message him now . He left this morning and I got up early and made his coffee as he left I got a kiss on the cheek.
This isn�t over I know I could topple my progress with one freak out so keep your fingers crossed!
Thanks for all your thoughts

Hello DS

It sounds like you did fine.

Getting through the day and not feeling like a crazy person - is an achievement. Well done!

Keep it up.

DnJ