Standing to Save my Marriage Alone pt 3 - 10/14/19 05:35 PM
Waiting For What Comes Next - 10/14/19 06:15 PM
Short recap. H is in MLC. He BD in March. Slept on the sofa for a month, then shipped off to sea/work. We have a d3 togther. He's season job ends soon.
I'm standing for my marriage. What comes next? I haven't a clue. I haven't the slightest idea what his plans are. In the meantime act as if all is 'normal'? GAL?
I've been watching our finances; I take care of the bills anyway. Nothing recently strange. There's an entire month, approximately, that he didn't work. I'm guessing he went on vacation, based on purchases he made online. And whatever. He's doing whatever he needs to do.
So to those standing, or those that have, do you literally do nothing? I get the 'act as if & GAL' part that I play. But when I think about seeing him, after he's been gone since April, honestly, all bombs put adide, my pysical self control might/will be wanting physical contact in the worst way. We're talking six months apart. That's a long time. What tips can you share on being strong when facing your spouse?
Getting my hair done this week for me.
I'm standing for my marriage. What comes next? I haven't a clue. I haven't the slightest idea what his plans are. In the meantime act as if all is 'normal'? GAL?
I've been watching our finances; I take care of the bills anyway. Nothing recently strange. There's an entire month, approximately, that he didn't work. I'm guessing he went on vacation, based on purchases he made online. And whatever. He's doing whatever he needs to do.
So to those standing, or those that have, do you literally do nothing? I get the 'act as if & GAL' part that I play. But when I think about seeing him, after he's been gone since April, honestly, all bombs put adide, my pysical self control might/will be wanting physical contact in the worst way. We're talking six months apart. That's a long time. What tips can you share on being strong when facing your spouse?
Getting my hair done this week for me.
Re: Waiting For What Comes Next - 10/16/19 01:33 PM
When I would see my XH after BD and when he moved out
I would try to support/listen to him
no fights, no questions, no grilling
NO expectations
nothing physical
he brought water to the house frequently to drink
it was heavy
so I always thanked him
'that was his contribution for 2 years post bomb
MLC takes 2-7 years
If you H is in MLC..How old is he?
You can expect nothing
I would not push for a hug or any physical contact as they would see that as pursuit
If he pursues you, you can choose but many will share disappointment after as the MLCer continues his path anyway
and there may be safety issues being with a spouse in MLC, who has been overseas-many are unfaithful
std can be a concern
I would think twice
Now im not sure that is what you were asking?
Now in your life is best to dive into self reflection
healing
spiritual things
nature
making new friends
activites
hobbies ect
I would try to support/listen to him
no fights, no questions, no grilling
NO expectations
nothing physical
he brought water to the house frequently to drink
it was heavy
so I always thanked him
'that was his contribution for 2 years post bomb
MLC takes 2-7 years
If you H is in MLC..How old is he?
You can expect nothing
I would not push for a hug or any physical contact as they would see that as pursuit
If he pursues you, you can choose but many will share disappointment after as the MLCer continues his path anyway
and there may be safety issues being with a spouse in MLC, who has been overseas-many are unfaithful
std can be a concern
I would think twice
Now im not sure that is what you were asking?
Now in your life is best to dive into self reflection
healing
spiritual things
nature
making new friends
activites
hobbies ect
More Details & Acting As If (while standing) - 10/17/19 02:36 AM
Thanks PT. Good advice. I am busy, so no worries with the GAL part of this. That's easy, on a good day of course. More good days then bad thankfully.
I believe H is depressed/ MLC. I understood they go hand in hand. Adulting is stressful too, if you've never really done it.
Here's more info.
H is 42. Unhappy for 2 years. Our d is 3+. We struggled to conceive via IVF; with success on try six.
He changed companies (returned to former employee) before our D was born. His schedule went from 1 month on 1 month off, to 6 month on 6 months off. He's also had many promotions with both companies, taking on more responsible, being "the boss". We're both first time home owners (6 yrs now), and are landlords to a small rental on our property. He's only lived on his own once in his life, for a year, for school. Other than that, he's lived under the roof of family. When we met, he moved in with me within 2 months & I had been on my own for over 14 years at that point, with no family close by.
I really think having to be an adult scares him. But whatever his reasons, I don't question them. I will and do respect his feelings. During 1st bd, I said all the wrong things, reacted with hurt, anger, but quickly flipped to just listen. I have to do that again.
When we come together, I will act as if he's a roommate. It will be hard, but if that's what I need to do to give him space, then that's it. He is my best friend, and I will go along with his journey BUT will definitely say if I'm not ready for something or if I need time...not sure..etc.
I'm rereading parts of DB. and watching videos. I CAN DO THIS. Whatever may be may be. We are all on our own journeys.
Be good to yourself, everyday.
I believe H is depressed/ MLC. I understood they go hand in hand. Adulting is stressful too, if you've never really done it.
Here's more info.
H is 42. Unhappy for 2 years. Our d is 3+. We struggled to conceive via IVF; with success on try six.
He changed companies (returned to former employee) before our D was born. His schedule went from 1 month on 1 month off, to 6 month on 6 months off. He's also had many promotions with both companies, taking on more responsible, being "the boss". We're both first time home owners (6 yrs now), and are landlords to a small rental on our property. He's only lived on his own once in his life, for a year, for school. Other than that, he's lived under the roof of family. When we met, he moved in with me within 2 months & I had been on my own for over 14 years at that point, with no family close by.
I really think having to be an adult scares him. But whatever his reasons, I don't question them. I will and do respect his feelings. During 1st bd, I said all the wrong things, reacted with hurt, anger, but quickly flipped to just listen. I have to do that again.
When we come together, I will act as if he's a roommate. It will be hard, but if that's what I need to do to give him space, then that's it. He is my best friend, and I will go along with his journey BUT will definitely say if I'm not ready for something or if I need time...not sure..etc.
I'm rereading parts of DB. and watching videos. I CAN DO THIS. Whatever may be may be. We are all on our own journeys.
Be good to yourself, everyday.
Re: More Details & Acting As If (while standing) - 10/17/19 11:43 AM
Can
42 is a prime age for MLC, so he probably is
Remember MLC is usually caused by unresolved issues from his childhood
You had nothing to do with it
If you relationship was a really good one-that is hopeful
If you had many conflicts and issues dealing with him in the past, it is also wise to be aware
usually in MLC they get worse, more addicted, bad choices, more unavailable ect..
42 is a prime age for MLC, so he probably is
Remember MLC is usually caused by unresolved issues from his childhood
You had nothing to do with it
If you relationship was a really good one-that is hopeful
If you had many conflicts and issues dealing with him in the past, it is also wise to be aware
usually in MLC they get worse, more addicted, bad choices, more unavailable ect..
Re: More Details & Acting As If (while standing) - 10/17/19 05:21 PM
Originally Posted by peacetoday
Can
42 is a prime age for MLC, so he probably is
Remember MLC is usually caused by unresolved issues from his childhood
You had nothing to do with it
If you relationship was a really good one-that is hopeful
If you had many conflicts and issues dealing with him in the past, it is also wise to be aware
usually in MLC they get worse, more addicted, bad choices, more unavailable ect..
42 is a prime age for MLC, so he probably is
Remember MLC is usually caused by unresolved issues from his childhood
You had nothing to do with it
If you relationship was a really good one-that is hopeful
If you had many conflicts and issues dealing with him in the past, it is also wise to be aware
usually in MLC they get worse, more addicted, bad choices, more unavailable ect..
H and I never had any conflicts. Granted, our communication over the past two years, prior to bd, regarding our relationship wasn't perfect. I'd call him out on things, (being really crabby mostly) he'd say sorry & try to be nicer, and he was. I shrugged it off as stress from work and we did major renos on our rental. But this grumpiness, 'male PMS', I'm not the only one who noticed his personality changed from nice guy to grump. And he was drinking more than usual. Probably coping, escaping the feelings of unhappiness. Alcohol is a depressant, so that never helps. He stopped being active. Lost his lust for fun. Again, I chalked it up as stress. *For work he's tested for drugs & has annual physicals. He's always been clear*. Normally, he's an occasional drinker, can go without.
H comes from a divorced family. Parents never married, had him & his sister young. They split. Mom gets together with her exs brother & they have 2 kids. My husband & his sister, in their early years, are brought up to believe that their uncle, their moms current guy, is actually their dad. He was lied to for years, even by all his family, and believed this, until he was 8-9yrs old, when his relationship with his real father came to life. He's only really shared this with me recently, the hurt of being lied to and how this cause him to not trust anyone & it's hard for him to communicate.
After bd, we communicated so well, like never before. He really opened up, I listened. He cried, I cried. He listened to me, hugged me when I needed it. I'm hopeful. I told him I'm here. Do what you need to do. I stand by that. I believe you can't force things. If it's meant to be it will be. I'm standing because I love this man, he's my friend and my lover. That never faded.
Thank you for reminding me I have nothing to do with his mlc. We need to hear that.
Re: More Details & Acting As If (while standing) - 10/18/19 12:44 PM
Hi Can
You sound firm and grounded
DB is all about what you are saying
give him time and space...you continue to grow, evolve, heal and continue your life as you are
You stand by him and watch...get more clues in time...
We dont know the final outcome
love goes a long way.
Your H has some past to heal from and this is his work if he chooses
If he does not choose to reflect and heal from his childhood..He will most likely continue to run
until he cant anymore...MLC
2-7 years and sometimes more
You sound firm and grounded
DB is all about what you are saying
give him time and space...you continue to grow, evolve, heal and continue your life as you are
You stand by him and watch...get more clues in time...
We dont know the final outcome
love goes a long way.
Your H has some past to heal from and this is his work if he chooses
If he does not choose to reflect and heal from his childhood..He will most likely continue to run
until he cant anymore...MLC
2-7 years and sometimes more
H you've got mail...Do I open it? - 10/22/19 01:38 AM
Mail for H came today. I know what it is; gov't ID. And it's got my hands nervously shaking. The devils are out. One on my shoulder wants to open it, to see the photo, where was it issued....etc. etc. Is it a clue? Will I get any answers? The other one, knows it doesn't matter. Nothing changes, except maybe I'll stop thinking about it. H never asked me to open it or tell him about it. If things were 'normal', because its gov't ID, I would let him know it arrived. But things are not normal...lol...
Why is this piece of mail affecting me this way? This reaction happen to anyone else?
Why is this piece of mail affecting me this way? This reaction happen to anyone else?
Re: H you've got mail...Do I open it? - 10/22/19 01:06 PM
Put that piece of mail away. Breathe and just put that away. His ID may have expired a new one had to be issued or his clearance may have changed...hence the new ID.
We all get curious when something comes in the mail for them and when know that things aren't completely right w/them or the relationship. The old saying "curiosity killed the cat"...well, snooping may bring out something that you wish you didn't know at this time.
We all get curious when something comes in the mail for them and when know that things aren't completely right w/them or the relationship. The old saying "curiosity killed the cat"...well, snooping may bring out something that you wish you didn't know at this time.
Re: H you've got mail...Do I open it? - 10/22/19 01:21 PM
I would be curious
I still get mail in his name
I think when we have a vanisher, like we both do-
we get curious...its normal
but nothing will change, and I trust you will know everything you need to know at the exact right time
Now you continue to do the right things
and especially the healing grief work---the universe will take care of you
I still get mail in his name
I think when we have a vanisher, like we both do-
we get curious...its normal
but nothing will change, and I trust you will know everything you need to know at the exact right time
Now you continue to do the right things
and especially the healing grief work---the universe will take care of you
7 11 and other things - 10/27/19 09:41 AM
Married 7, together 11. Literally in limbo. H could be home anytime. Home before Christmas. This has been my reply when people ask about H. Last year he was done (work) for the season right about this time; before Halloween. The year previous was mid November. Anyone that knows us knows H is away at sea/work for long stretches. 6 months. Then he has 6 months off. So a lot of friends have been asking. Family hasn't asked me at all. Guess it's only a matter of time before they start texting.
Nothing new re H. D3 & I have been doing Halloween activities all weekend. Love this time of year. And we still have another week to go! Yippee!
Nothing new re H. D3 & I have been doing Halloween activities all weekend. Love this time of year. And we still have another week to go! Yippee!
Re: 7 11 and other things - 10/27/19 07:46 PM
Can
Due to your H Job and him being away, you can adjust the story as needed with anyone who asks
Like he is staying at sea longer/or another job came up for now- this year..especially since you dont have all the information yet
until you feel comfortable in sharing it--Its really up to you
perhaps it is best to keep the lid on it, so D or anyone else cant question you
So when the time comes, that you have information, and you feel secure in sharing this you will
and the time will come..when your h comes forward..it may be a while though-
so use this time to heal yourself..think about the financial aspect and make sure it is covered--
especially if he stops paying anything-
as for now..follow your heart..
Due to your H Job and him being away, you can adjust the story as needed with anyone who asks
Like he is staying at sea longer/or another job came up for now- this year..especially since you dont have all the information yet
until you feel comfortable in sharing it--Its really up to you
perhaps it is best to keep the lid on it, so D or anyone else cant question you
So when the time comes, that you have information, and you feel secure in sharing this you will
and the time will come..when your h comes forward..it may be a while though-
so use this time to heal yourself..think about the financial aspect and make sure it is covered--
especially if he stops paying anything-
as for now..follow your heart..
Re: 7 11 and other things - 10/29/19 09:08 AM
Thank you P. I like the idea of "writing my own script" until I know more. Great suggestions on what I could say, was think the same.
My FiL w contacted me via text, about us visiting. D3 & I will go. She asked if I've heard from H. I avoided answering directly and turned the conversation back to D3 & I. H can always join us if the mood strikes him.
My FiL w contacted me via text, about us visiting. D3 & I will go. She asked if I've heard from H. I avoided answering directly and turned the conversation back to D3 & I. H can always join us if the mood strikes him.
Interesting Turn of Events? Or not? - 10/30/19 06:33 AM
I received an email from my father-in-law (yesterday evening, but opened it today) with our upcoming trip itinerary. I glanced over the date & times quickly, and text him that I got everything. SIX hours later, one small detail I overlooked and just noticed, 3 passengers traveling?!!? WHATTT?!?!? And there it is; H also has a ticket. We are all booked together. So approximately a month from now, for Thanksgiving, is when this is happening.
With this new information I feel two things; FIL booked H a ticket just in case, or maybe he actually got in touch with H? I always advise FIL & his wife, to get in touch with H directly, so who knows. The itineraries for the trip were emailed to H, myself, FIL & his wife. I have yet to hear anything news on H and the end of his seasonal work. Limbo time and this is normal due to weather. Definitely a different limbo for me.
What would you do? I'm playing 'dumb' at the moment. I mean, I didn't notice it right away, so who's to say I have to notice it at all? It's not until a month from now. Next month is also our 7th anniversary, and my birthday the following week. Then the turkey trip. Goodness.
What would you do? Any advice is welcome.
With this new information I feel two things; FIL booked H a ticket just in case, or maybe he actually got in touch with H? I always advise FIL & his wife, to get in touch with H directly, so who knows. The itineraries for the trip were emailed to H, myself, FIL & his wife. I have yet to hear anything news on H and the end of his seasonal work. Limbo time and this is normal due to weather. Definitely a different limbo for me.
What would you do? I'm playing 'dumb' at the moment. I mean, I didn't notice it right away, so who's to say I have to notice it at all? It's not until a month from now. Next month is also our 7th anniversary, and my birthday the following week. Then the turkey trip. Goodness.
What would you do? Any advice is welcome.
Re: Interesting Turn of Events? Or not? - 10/30/19 08:58 PM
Can
Im not sure
Maybe play it as you are
You will know more in about a month or sooner-
Hang in
Im not sure
Maybe play it as you are
You will know more in about a month or sooner-
Hang in
Re: Interesting Turn of Events? Or not? - 10/31/19 01:31 PM
I would play it as you have been. You definitely will know more closer to the time of the trip. Keep the focus on you and your child.
Re: Interesting Turn of Events? Or not? - 10/31/19 01:51 PM
CanBird,
I agree with above advice. Play it like you have been, you should know more as the trip draws closer. Good luck!
WMLC
I agree with above advice. Play it like you have been, you should know more as the trip draws closer. Good luck!
WMLC
Avoiding what I don’t Know - 11/04/19 06:25 PM
Questions from friends about H, regarding is whereabouts. This past week was difficult when interacting with mutual friends. "So, have you heard from...when is he coming home?....Do you know where he is? Is he on the boat /in the water/on land packing up?" It was really hard to navigate around these questions. I did my best but I don't know if they bought my story.
I'm frustrated with not knowing what's up. Standing takes patience. I'm strong, but having moments of weakness as the days tic on. I know more will be revealed, but I feel like I'm running out of excuses as to why I don't know anything. It makes me sad/mad and a whole lot of other things. D3 hasn't asked about him as much, but she does & misses him. "I want my daddy home". Me too baby. Me too.
I'm frustrated with not knowing what's up. Standing takes patience. I'm strong, but having moments of weakness as the days tic on. I know more will be revealed, but I feel like I'm running out of excuses as to why I don't know anything. It makes me sad/mad and a whole lot of other things. D3 hasn't asked about him as much, but she does & misses him. "I want my daddy home". Me too baby. Me too.
Re: Avoiding what I don’t Know - 11/04/19 06:49 PM
And my 2nd cousin, who's more like a nephew, and I'm not close to him, but close to his mom & grandma, is now asking to stay at our house (vacation) his girlfriend, in Feb/March. Ugh...
I just want to hid and deal with NOBODY.
I just want to hid and deal with NOBODY.
HELP/ADVISE asap Do I contact H? - 11/06/19 06:14 AM
I believe in following your gut; your intuition. And it's telling me "yes". BUT sleep on it.
It's not an emergency, but it's bothering me. In laws. Firstly, I love them bunches. I've been avoiding the questions about him, dodging as best I can. Now I'm at the point where I'm shutting off my phone. I'm afraid they may call! Then what?
FILs wife is asking me about H, texting me. She usually does more of the communicating, rather than FIL, and that's all good. I turned my phone off because I don't know what to tell them.
Regardless of H being in MLC, he's not the greatest communicator, but when nudged he usually will reply to his family, especially his dad. Half the year H works in remote areas where WiFi connections can get lost, but that's not always the reason connections get lost. I believe H doesn’t reply right away for one reason or another. Just like I'm not going to reply to my StepMIL. Love her bunches, but I'm having anxiety about talking facing my In-laws. Turkey Trip is lurking.
So, StepMIL texted they can't wait to see us....(see previous posts), and have I heard from H? They haven't heard from him in a while. Does H know they bought a ticket for him? They emailed him the trip info. I have no idea.
Question: Do I contact H and ask if he's able to contact this dad? Tell him, I'm not sure how to respond, when asked questions about you.
Any thoughts? Advice? I've got time on my side. My gut is telling me to do something. This iceberg needs to start moving.
Still Standing
It's not an emergency, but it's bothering me. In laws. Firstly, I love them bunches. I've been avoiding the questions about him, dodging as best I can. Now I'm at the point where I'm shutting off my phone. I'm afraid they may call! Then what?
FILs wife is asking me about H, texting me. She usually does more of the communicating, rather than FIL, and that's all good. I turned my phone off because I don't know what to tell them.
Regardless of H being in MLC, he's not the greatest communicator, but when nudged he usually will reply to his family, especially his dad. Half the year H works in remote areas where WiFi connections can get lost, but that's not always the reason connections get lost. I believe H doesn’t reply right away for one reason or another. Just like I'm not going to reply to my StepMIL. Love her bunches, but I'm having anxiety about talking facing my In-laws. Turkey Trip is lurking.
So, StepMIL texted they can't wait to see us....(see previous posts), and have I heard from H? They haven't heard from him in a while. Does H know they bought a ticket for him? They emailed him the trip info. I have no idea.
Question: Do I contact H and ask if he's able to contact this dad? Tell him, I'm not sure how to respond, when asked questions about you.
Any thoughts? Advice? I've got time on my side. My gut is telling me to do something. This iceberg needs to start moving.
Still Standing
Standing to Save my Marriage pt 3 - 11/07/19 04:53 PM
I have not had the courage to contact H. Family & friends have been asking about him; his whereabouts at sea and his return from work. Only he knows. End of season at sea is near or has happened.
Normally I wouldn't hesitate to contact him. So why am I so hesitating now?
Normally I wouldn't hesitate to contact him. So why am I so hesitating now?
Re: Standing to Save my Marriage pt 3 - 11/07/19 07:38 PM
You can be honest and say that your h hasn't been in contact w/you in quite a while and that you do not know when he will return from work as the end of the season may vary from year to year.
I think you have some fear going on within yourself. You may be hesitant to contact him for fear of what he may or may not say. If you are thinking of contacting him because of his family bugging you, don't do it. If you are wanting to let him know about his child or anything of an emergency nature, then by all means do so. You are not your in-laws' messenger and they can certainly text him directly if they want to know something. Your h is a big boy and he can decide whether or not he wants to respond back to them.
I think you have some fear going on within yourself. You may be hesitant to contact him for fear of what he may or may not say. If you are thinking of contacting him because of his family bugging you, don't do it. If you are wanting to let him know about his child or anything of an emergency nature, then by all means do so. You are not your in-laws' messenger and they can certainly text him directly if they want to know something. Your h is a big boy and he can decide whether or not he wants to respond back to them.
Re: Standing to Save my Marriage pt 3 - 11/07/19 09:45 PM
Originally Posted by job
You can be honest and say that your h hasn't been in contact w/you in quite a while and that you do not know when he will return from work as the end of the season may vary from year to year.
I think you have some fear going on within yourself. You may be hesitant to contact him for fear of what he may or may not say. If you are thinking of contacting him because of his family bugging you, don't do it. If you are wanting to let him know about his child or anything of an emergency nature, then by all means do so. You are not your in-laws' messenger and they can certainly text him directly if they want to know something. Your h is a big boy and he can decide whether or not he wants to respond back to them.
I think you have some fear going on within yourself. You may be hesitant to contact him for fear of what he may or may not say. If you are thinking of contacting him because of his family bugging you, don't do it. If you are wanting to let him know about his child or anything of an emergency nature, then by all means do so. You are not your in-laws' messenger and they can certainly text him directly if they want to know something. Your h is a big boy and he can decide whether or not he wants to respond back to them.
Thank you Job. I agree that it is up to H to decide if he'll be a big boy and respond to family and friends. I'm not his keeper or messenger.
Definitely have fear going on. It's been 7 months since I've physically seen him before his season started.
Standing strong for me.
Re: Standing to Save my Marriage pt 3 - 11/07/19 10:57 PM
Can
Its a scary place
You love him, you want to save the M
You have a d
He is silent, not moving in any direction yet
I think if you wait a bit longer you will know more
It takes them a while to make a real move
but it wont stay stagnant forever
you probably scared to know what he will do
and if he has changed his mind
we are here for you
Its a scary place
You love him, you want to save the M
You have a d
He is silent, not moving in any direction yet
I think if you wait a bit longer you will know more
It takes them a while to make a real move
but it wont stay stagnant forever
you probably scared to know what he will do
and if he has changed his mind
we are here for you
Re: Standing to Save my Marriage pt 3 - 11/07/19 11:02 PM
Hang in there, Can. Regardless of what happens (much of which you don't control), you've got this.
Re: Standing to Save my Marriage pt 3 - 11/08/19 09:44 AM
Originally Posted by peacetoday
Can
Its a scary place
You love him, you want to save the M
You have a d
He is silent, not moving in any direction yet
I think if you wait a bit longer you will know more
It takes them a while to make a real move
but it wont stay stagnant forever
you probably scared to know what he will do
and if he has changed his mind
we are here for you
Its a scary place
You love him, you want to save the M
You have a d
He is silent, not moving in any direction yet
I think if you wait a bit longer you will know more
It takes them a while to make a real move
but it wont stay stagnant forever
you probably scared to know what he will do
and if he has changed his mind
we are here for you
Thank you Peace. After replying to Job, I heard my favorite song playing. Love when the universe sends signals like that. Then at lunch, a fortune cookie with an uplifting message. Whatever gets you through. It's comforting knowing you and others are here.
Yes, a lot of what you said is true. I'm sure he's scared too.
Re: Standing to Save my Marriage pt 3 - 11/08/19 09:56 AM
Originally Posted by WMLC
Hang in there, Can. Regardless of what happens (much of which you don't control), you've got this.
Thanks W. Yes, when going through this I've needed to remind myself that I have no control over what he does. For me, I think about my spouse in MLC like someone who has an addiction. They are not themselves. Only they know the solution. They have to hit bottom in order to resurface.
D3 was at soccer & after drills the coached mentioned she kept saying, "I got this! I got this!" Like daughter, like mother.
Yes we Can
They Keep Asking ME Questions - 11/10/19 08:20 AM
Journal: Step-MIL tx again about H. "blah blah blah...Is 'he' home yet?" I did not ignore her this time. My reply was, "...I haven't heard anything...blah blah blah".
Basically, I answered the question honestly and went on in detail about other things going on, to steer away from the subject of H., and I did well. Mission accomplished. I'm blown away she didn't say more. Seem odd, as she's the type to press for information. Maybe she knows something and is playing dumb/waiting for me to say something? Whatever. But really, I'm surprised she didn't ask more questions. Her H, and my H, father & son, are SO much alike. FIL and her where having difficulties in the past & the D word came up from her. FIL has made changes, he seems happier. She seems in mlc..! Hug tattoo, hair extensions, working out more, facial treatments, a second job. Interesting to see how their marriage is. They've been together 17 years, married less than 5 years.
Family is the hard to deal with sometimes and we'll be spending Turkey Time together soon! Other inquiring minds include on my side of the family I can deal with, and use the same tactics. With friends, same thing. Tx from not so close friends, H friends, I sometimes ignore or have said, "I'm not sure, only he really knows what's going on".
And yes, only he knows.
Basically, I answered the question honestly and went on in detail about other things going on, to steer away from the subject of H., and I did well. Mission accomplished. I'm blown away she didn't say more. Seem odd, as she's the type to press for information. Maybe she knows something and is playing dumb/waiting for me to say something? Whatever. But really, I'm surprised she didn't ask more questions. Her H, and my H, father & son, are SO much alike. FIL and her where having difficulties in the past & the D word came up from her. FIL has made changes, he seems happier. She seems in mlc..! Hug tattoo, hair extensions, working out more, facial treatments, a second job. Interesting to see how their marriage is. They've been together 17 years, married less than 5 years.
Family is the hard to deal with sometimes and we'll be spending Turkey Time together soon! Other inquiring minds include on my side of the family I can deal with, and use the same tactics. With friends, same thing. Tx from not so close friends, H friends, I sometimes ignore or have said, "I'm not sure, only he really knows what's going on".
And yes, only he knows.
Anniversary, B-Day & Thanksgiving - 11/10/19 08:38 AM
Anniversary, B-Day & Thanksgiving. All three of these are coming up this month.
It's not the first time I've been without husband for these occasions. Excluding Turkey day, the past I've only ever ask for a card, a very specific type. H knows and he's always made me tear up happy tears. When he's been gone, he'd arrange for the neighbor to deliver something for me. I got nothing on Mother's Day; but I'm not his mom..lol.. I'm not expecting anything. I'd be a fool to think otherwise.
So This Turkey Trip, was booked by my FIL, for me, D3 & H!?!? I got my itinerary, didn't notice H on it for days! H got the same itinerary. Did he see it? FIL & Step-MIL have the itinerary. No one had said,"Hey! Did you notice H has a ticket?". I'm playing dumb. FIL made that booking, made that choice. I have no idea if he was in contact with H or not.
We'll see how this bird cooks up!
It's not the first time I've been without husband for these occasions. Excluding Turkey day, the past I've only ever ask for a card, a very specific type. H knows and he's always made me tear up happy tears. When he's been gone, he'd arrange for the neighbor to deliver something for me. I got nothing on Mother's Day; but I'm not his mom..lol.. I'm not expecting anything. I'd be a fool to think otherwise.
So This Turkey Trip, was booked by my FIL, for me, D3 & H!?!? I got my itinerary, didn't notice H on it for days! H got the same itinerary. Did he see it? FIL & Step-MIL have the itinerary. No one had said,"Hey! Did you notice H has a ticket?". I'm playing dumb. FIL made that booking, made that choice. I have no idea if he was in contact with H or not.
We'll see how this bird cooks up!
Re: Anniversary, B-Day & Thanksgiving - 11/10/19 02:38 PM
Good Morning Can
Good for you answering step-MIL about H and upcoming Turkey Day.
Stress and fear are difficult to reason out. Shutting off the phone will postpone things for a while, but as you said, then what.
In my case XW spilled her guts at the Turkey Day Diner Table, right after the meal, in front of me, kids, and parents. She then threw us all away and moved out with her boyfriend. Nice and quick, 3 hours from start to finish. What a night.
Over the next weeks she flaunted her new relationship around town, and a separation agreement was reached in two months.
For my situation, everyone knew. And that was so very helpful. I am an open honest guy. If this had just been delivered to me, and I was attempting to keep it contained to just a few people or none - I’d have gone crazy.
There is validity in not spreading things far and wide. Paving the way home, not placing boulders in the MLCer’s path (they will do plenty of damage on their own, and LBS doesn’t need to add to it), and acting as if.
And there is validity in being true to yourself, being open, reaching out. Which, in all openness take time to realize since one’s feelings and thoughts are all over the place during the first while.
With everyone knowing what happened, and XW telling everyone and more, I had no problem reaching out for, and receiving support. This particular situation also quickly sorted out where “our” friends stood, and which side of the fence they were on.
It also brought to fruition the in-laws loyalties rather quickly, more than would normally happen. Actually, just about everything was quicker than normal.
In-laws are the spouse’s family. They will choose the MLCer. XW’s parents tossed her aside when she was 18, just as she did to her kids. In-laws for me are the aunts and uncles and so on - her parents came out of the woodwork for our wedding and then disappeared again; 28 years her parent never spoke to her or I or their grandkids.
Separation and divorce really changes the landscape with relationship to family and in-laws. Choices and made, and well beyond our control, and lines do get drawn. My in-laws do not contact me or my children, going on two years now.
Where was I going with all this.
Do not be afraid to do what is right for you. Family, in-laws, friends, people, will all choose their own paths - and you cannot control what they do. However, you can control what you do. You can choose. You do choose (in case you actually don’t realize that - you do choose, and at first a lot of that choice is under the surface and goes unnoticed).
You can choose to tell more about what is going on. It has both benefit and possible detriment. I think the detriment is more in how and how much you tell of the situation. The benefits are pretty evident; people know and realize what your going through and where you are at. Those that stick around will be there for you, and you can lean on them in times of need. It is also nice to be more open and not so guarded or fearing a phone call.
In my first weeks and months, with no secrets, and a wife running about with another man telling everyone all of her new life and my flaws (yikes, lol, wow still shake my head, and now laugh about it) - I had much rejection. I was rejected by W, friends, in-laws, and people on the street. Time sorts out. Fear, stress, and pressure - you get through it. So much pressure I should be made of diamond after those months.
One’s intuition has been a good steady guide throughout their lives. It gets reinforced and modified as life progresses.
However, this situation you find yourself in is highly counterintuitive. Your intuition regarding H is not very helpful - H is behaving like a different person, and you intuitively “feel” him as the same. Our deep beliefs of our loving partner, beliefs that have been built upon years of behaviour, both our’s and their’s, are at this moment (and going to be for some time) not valid. It takes time for the LBS to modify their internal belief and intuition to this new normal.
Following one’s gut is what always worked. It’s who we are. It’s the summation of all our parts. How can it be so wrong? We need time to realize what has happened. Time to accept what has happened. Time to do the inner work, make choices of better not bitter, modify our beliefs and intuition.
During this time, the LBS must rely on their logic and reason, more than their intuition. One needs to be the their intellectual car more. Intellect does not have feeling, nor distraction of emotions. It is the sword that clears the path towards detachment and indifference. It uncoupled us from fear and addiction. And is the first of our paths towards acceptance and forgiveness. We can control our thoughts, which influence our feelings, both of which influence our beliefs and intuition.
The itinerary booked by FIL is for you, D3, and H. Where are you all leaving from? Not an actual answer please - anonymous and all - I mean are you all leaving from home? The same city?
You don’t have to play dumb with FIL, or step-MIL, or anyone. Especially yourself. You are listening and modifying yourself with what you do and say.
Choices.
Do you want to go to FIL’s, to H’s Dad’s, for Turkey Day?
I am guessing you would like to go, but would like to know what the h is H doing.
For right now, today, if your ok with the upcoming visit - stay the course. Go with the flow, and keep expectations to zero.
As new information arises - and I’m pretty sure something is going to come up, H’s whereabouts needs to get discovered by the purchasers of his ticket - you can make further decisions. An opportunity to fill in some gaps with in-laws may seem more appropriate and properly timed to happen one of the next future conversations.
Live your life for you and D3. Focus on and protect you both. That is one of the most primary values and recommendations from those that have gone before. And it is very counterintuitive at first.
Do what is right for CanBird. And take the required time, and do the required work, to figure that out.
You are doing really well.
DnJ
Good for you answering step-MIL about H and upcoming Turkey Day.
Originally Posted by CanBird
It's not an emergency, but it's bothering me. In laws. Firstly, I love them bunches. I've been avoiding the questions about him, dodging as best I can. Now I'm at the point where I'm shutting off my phone. I'm afraid they may call! Then what?
FILs wife is asking me about H, texting me. She usually does more of the communicating, rather than FIL, and that's all good. I turned my phone off because I don't know what to tell them.
FILs wife is asking me about H, texting me. She usually does more of the communicating, rather than FIL, and that's all good. I turned my phone off because I don't know what to tell them.
Stress and fear are difficult to reason out. Shutting off the phone will postpone things for a while, but as you said, then what.
In my case XW spilled her guts at the Turkey Day Diner Table, right after the meal, in front of me, kids, and parents. She then threw us all away and moved out with her boyfriend. Nice and quick, 3 hours from start to finish. What a night.
Over the next weeks she flaunted her new relationship around town, and a separation agreement was reached in two months.
For my situation, everyone knew. And that was so very helpful. I am an open honest guy. If this had just been delivered to me, and I was attempting to keep it contained to just a few people or none - I’d have gone crazy.
There is validity in not spreading things far and wide. Paving the way home, not placing boulders in the MLCer’s path (they will do plenty of damage on their own, and LBS doesn’t need to add to it), and acting as if.
And there is validity in being true to yourself, being open, reaching out. Which, in all openness take time to realize since one’s feelings and thoughts are all over the place during the first while.
With everyone knowing what happened, and XW telling everyone and more, I had no problem reaching out for, and receiving support. This particular situation also quickly sorted out where “our” friends stood, and which side of the fence they were on.
It also brought to fruition the in-laws loyalties rather quickly, more than would normally happen. Actually, just about everything was quicker than normal.
In-laws are the spouse’s family. They will choose the MLCer. XW’s parents tossed her aside when she was 18, just as she did to her kids. In-laws for me are the aunts and uncles and so on - her parents came out of the woodwork for our wedding and then disappeared again; 28 years her parent never spoke to her or I or their grandkids.
Separation and divorce really changes the landscape with relationship to family and in-laws. Choices and made, and well beyond our control, and lines do get drawn. My in-laws do not contact me or my children, going on two years now.
Where was I going with all this.
Do not be afraid to do what is right for you. Family, in-laws, friends, people, will all choose their own paths - and you cannot control what they do. However, you can control what you do. You can choose. You do choose (in case you actually don’t realize that - you do choose, and at first a lot of that choice is under the surface and goes unnoticed).
You can choose to tell more about what is going on. It has both benefit and possible detriment. I think the detriment is more in how and how much you tell of the situation. The benefits are pretty evident; people know and realize what your going through and where you are at. Those that stick around will be there for you, and you can lean on them in times of need. It is also nice to be more open and not so guarded or fearing a phone call.
In my first weeks and months, with no secrets, and a wife running about with another man telling everyone all of her new life and my flaws (yikes, lol, wow still shake my head, and now laugh about it) - I had much rejection. I was rejected by W, friends, in-laws, and people on the street. Time sorts out. Fear, stress, and pressure - you get through it. So much pressure I should be made of diamond after those months.
Originally Posted by CanBird
I believe in following your gut; your intuition.
One’s intuition has been a good steady guide throughout their lives. It gets reinforced and modified as life progresses.
However, this situation you find yourself in is highly counterintuitive. Your intuition regarding H is not very helpful - H is behaving like a different person, and you intuitively “feel” him as the same. Our deep beliefs of our loving partner, beliefs that have been built upon years of behaviour, both our’s and their’s, are at this moment (and going to be for some time) not valid. It takes time for the LBS to modify their internal belief and intuition to this new normal.
Following one’s gut is what always worked. It’s who we are. It’s the summation of all our parts. How can it be so wrong? We need time to realize what has happened. Time to accept what has happened. Time to do the inner work, make choices of better not bitter, modify our beliefs and intuition.
During this time, the LBS must rely on their logic and reason, more than their intuition. One needs to be the their intellectual car more. Intellect does not have feeling, nor distraction of emotions. It is the sword that clears the path towards detachment and indifference. It uncoupled us from fear and addiction. And is the first of our paths towards acceptance and forgiveness. We can control our thoughts, which influence our feelings, both of which influence our beliefs and intuition.
The itinerary booked by FIL is for you, D3, and H. Where are you all leaving from? Not an actual answer please - anonymous and all - I mean are you all leaving from home? The same city?
You don’t have to play dumb with FIL, or step-MIL, or anyone. Especially yourself. You are listening and modifying yourself with what you do and say.
Choices.
Do you want to go to FIL’s, to H’s Dad’s, for Turkey Day?
I am guessing you would like to go, but would like to know what the h is H doing.
For right now, today, if your ok with the upcoming visit - stay the course. Go with the flow, and keep expectations to zero.
As new information arises - and I’m pretty sure something is going to come up, H’s whereabouts needs to get discovered by the purchasers of his ticket - you can make further decisions. An opportunity to fill in some gaps with in-laws may seem more appropriate and properly timed to happen one of the next future conversations.
Live your life for you and D3. Focus on and protect you both. That is one of the most primary values and recommendations from those that have gone before. And it is very counterintuitive at first.
Do what is right for CanBird. And take the required time, and do the required work, to figure that out.
You are doing really well.
DnJ
Re: Anniversary, B-Day & Thanksgiving - 11/10/19 04:16 PM
Originally Posted by DnJ
Good Morning Can
Good for you answering step-MIL about H and upcoming Turkey Day.
In my case XW spilled her guts at the Turkey Day Diner Table, right after the meal, in front of me, kids, and parents. She then threw us all away and moved out with her boyfriend. Nice and quick, 3 hours from start to finish. What a night.
For my situation, everyone knew. And that was so very helpful. I am an open honest guy. If this had just been delivered to me, and I was attempting to keep it contained to just a few people or none - I’d have gone crazy.
There is validity in not spreading things far and wide. Paving the way home, not placing boulders in the MLCer’s path (they will do plenty of damage on their own, and LBS doesn’t need to add to it), and acting as if.
Do not be afraid to do what is right for you.
However, this situation you find yourself in is highly counterintuitive. Your intuition regarding H is not very helpful - H is behaving like a different person, and you intuitively “feel” him as the same. Our deep beliefs of our loving partner, beliefs that have been built upon years of behaviour, both our’s and their’s, are at this moment (and going to be for some time) not valid.
We need time to realize what has happened. Time to accept what has happened. Time to do the inner work, make choices of better not bitter, modify our beliefs and intuition.
During this time, the LBS must rely on their logic and reason, more than their intuition.
The itinerary booked by FIL is for you, D3, and H. Where are you all leaving from? Not an actual answer please - anonymous and all - I mean are you all leaving from home? The same city?
You don’t have to play dumb with FIL, or step-MIL, or anyone. Especially yourself. You are listening and modifying yourself with what you do and say.
Choices.
Do you want to go to FIL’s, to H’s Dad’s, for Turkey Day?
I am guessing you would like to go, but would like to know what the h is H doing.
For right now, today, if your ok with the upcoming visit - stay the course. Go with the flow, and keep expectations to zero
DnJ
Good for you answering step-MIL about H and upcoming Turkey Day.
In my case XW spilled her guts at the Turkey Day Diner Table, right after the meal, in front of me, kids, and parents. She then threw us all away and moved out with her boyfriend. Nice and quick, 3 hours from start to finish. What a night.
For my situation, everyone knew. And that was so very helpful. I am an open honest guy. If this had just been delivered to me, and I was attempting to keep it contained to just a few people or none - I’d have gone crazy.
There is validity in not spreading things far and wide. Paving the way home, not placing boulders in the MLCer’s path (they will do plenty of damage on their own, and LBS doesn’t need to add to it), and acting as if.
Do not be afraid to do what is right for you.
However, this situation you find yourself in is highly counterintuitive. Your intuition regarding H is not very helpful - H is behaving like a different person, and you intuitively “feel” him as the same. Our deep beliefs of our loving partner, beliefs that have been built upon years of behaviour, both our’s and their’s, are at this moment (and going to be for some time) not valid.
We need time to realize what has happened. Time to accept what has happened. Time to do the inner work, make choices of better not bitter, modify our beliefs and intuition.
During this time, the LBS must rely on their logic and reason, more than their intuition.
The itinerary booked by FIL is for you, D3, and H. Where are you all leaving from? Not an actual answer please - anonymous and all - I mean are you all leaving from home? The same city?
You don’t have to play dumb with FIL, or step-MIL, or anyone. Especially yourself. You are listening and modifying yourself with what you do and say.
Choices.
Do you want to go to FIL’s, to H’s Dad’s, for Turkey Day?
I am guessing you would like to go, but would like to know what the h is H doing.
For right now, today, if your ok with the upcoming visit - stay the course. Go with the flow, and keep expectations to zero
DnJ
Hi DnJ. Thank you for this reply. I'm doing this trip more for D3, so she can see family. I do enjoy the visits, don't get me wrong, we've done these visits plenty of times just D3 and I. Feel very comfortable with all my in-laws. Tickets are booked for all three of us (myself, D3&H) leaving the same airport at the same time, round trip. We all have the same itinerary.
Me saying I'm "playing dumb", is just a saying. I'm going with the flow 'as if' I don't know H is on the ticket. I literally glanced at the dates and times and that was it. I was scroll quickly and bypassed his details as they are listed last after D3.
Yes, more will definitely be revealed this Turkey Trip. H should be the one to answer their questions. IF I have to say something, I believe in saying this:
"We're going through a rough patch. I'd rather not go into detail. I'm concerned about H, I love him, and respect that he needs space and with that, I hope he figure things out".
"I don't know how to explain things. Maybe that's something he can answer best".
Wash, rinse, repeat.
I DO love this man. I believe in working through this, but I'm not forcing anything on him. That's wrong. In the beginning, the few conversations we've had post BD, before he went to sea/work, he said, "why are you being so nice to me?" He opened up about things, his past, us. I felt like I was a counselor for him. We lost our selves, in my eyes, as new parents. My role was and is parent 24/7. He is the provider. I feel I didn't get as much support/help from as I would have like with D3. Then I just stopped asking for help. I was a mom first, wife second. I'm finally going more for myself this year, before BD. I did loose my sex drive a tiny bit, but it wasn't gone. I still have feelings for him, but NOT when he says or does stupid things.
I'm blah blahing. I believe we have a chance if he chooses to try. I'm all in. I just want both of us to be happy. We make our own choices.
Re: Standing to Save my Marriage Alone pt 3 - 11/15/19 07:25 AM
Journal~ Nothing new. 2 more weeks until Turkey Trip. Finding that I have to remind myself, more and more, to focus on myself and D3.
Re: Standing to Save my Marriage Alone pt 3 - 11/15/19 12:23 PM
Good Morning Can
I empathize with your having to remind yourself more often to focus on you and D3. Special events like Thanksgiving and Christmas, especially the first one after BD, do stir up feelings and longings within a person. It’s good to focus on you and it’s good and necessary to find safe times to allow yourself to feel and acknowledge your emotions too; not to get lost in them however.
Find time in your day, when daughter is asleep, no work, etc... and allow yourself to feel. Just for a bit. Usually the LBS has anger they working through and a safe release is a good idea. However, any pent up emotions will spill out eventually. Smaller healthy acknowledgements are more desired than major floods of emotions; those do happen too by the way. And after you will feel better.
I like your answers to possible upcoming question. That is a good approach and mindset to have with his family.
Hang in there you are doing good. Keep your focus, it’s does get easier.
DnJ
I empathize with your having to remind yourself more often to focus on you and D3. Special events like Thanksgiving and Christmas, especially the first one after BD, do stir up feelings and longings within a person. It’s good to focus on you and it’s good and necessary to find safe times to allow yourself to feel and acknowledge your emotions too; not to get lost in them however.
Find time in your day, when daughter is asleep, no work, etc... and allow yourself to feel. Just for a bit. Usually the LBS has anger they working through and a safe release is a good idea. However, any pent up emotions will spill out eventually. Smaller healthy acknowledgements are more desired than major floods of emotions; those do happen too by the way. And after you will feel better.
I like your answers to possible upcoming question. That is a good approach and mindset to have with his family.
Hang in there you are doing good. Keep your focus, it’s does get easier.
DnJ
Re: Standing to Save my Marriage Alone pt 3 - 11/15/19 02:52 PM
Definitely gets easier Can
Holidays are tough, but I think you are in a good place
and moving toward acceptance
You will get clues and hints as time goes on
Your H may be a very different man by the next time you see him, so keep your expectations at zero
In this space focus on healing and creating a new and better you and life with your child
practicing the mindsets of trust , faith and willingness to accept whatever will be is important
Knowing that YOU and you D will be ok no matter what
Holidays are tough, but I think you are in a good place
and moving toward acceptance
You will get clues and hints as time goes on
Your H may be a very different man by the next time you see him, so keep your expectations at zero
In this space focus on healing and creating a new and better you and life with your child
practicing the mindsets of trust , faith and willingness to accept whatever will be is important
Knowing that YOU and you D will be ok no matter what
7th Anniversary of A Few Things - 11/17/19 05:33 AM
Journal~ Today marks the 7th anniversary of a few things, one being my marriage. D3 and I did some volunteer work with friends, went to at a few places, shopping, treats, (bought myself flowers; never need a special occasion to do that..lol.. ), we washed the car together and are wrapping up the night with pizza & a movie. All good. It's not the first time without H, but it's the first time after BD, and it's a little sad. Kind of feels like he's gone. Mourning. My mother passed 7 years ago, before we got married. This sitch is right up there with her being gone. It gets easier, but always hurts. Eventually not as much.
Yesterday H brother/ my BIL text me, and ask when H was coming home; he hadn't heard from him in awhile. I replied, "keep trying..." gave BIL another option for contacting H, asked if everything was okay. BIL said he was just missing his big brother. I hope BIL keeps trying. He was with us last year for almost a month around this time of year, and totally recognized H wasn't himself. BIL & I talked about it and I asked BIL to talk to him. He did. I'm guessing H left out a few details. Who knows.
Another mutual friend that was passing through inquired about the return of H. "Haven't heard anything yet; lots of overtime is great actually. We've got bills to pay!." I try to laugh it off, and really I'm okay, as long as I know he's still working. And as far as I can tell from my sources, that are in plain sight, he's still at sea/work.
So, we're okay this week. Hope everyone else out there is doing okay. My reality has yet to really hit. I've got to get mentally prepared for our Turkey Trip to the in-laws. I still have no idea if H knows his dad bought him a ticket for Turkey Trip. Only time will tell.
Yesterday H brother/ my BIL text me, and ask when H was coming home; he hadn't heard from him in awhile. I replied, "keep trying..." gave BIL another option for contacting H, asked if everything was okay. BIL said he was just missing his big brother. I hope BIL keeps trying. He was with us last year for almost a month around this time of year, and totally recognized H wasn't himself. BIL & I talked about it and I asked BIL to talk to him. He did. I'm guessing H left out a few details. Who knows.
Another mutual friend that was passing through inquired about the return of H. "Haven't heard anything yet; lots of overtime is great actually. We've got bills to pay!." I try to laugh it off, and really I'm okay, as long as I know he's still working. And as far as I can tell from my sources, that are in plain sight, he's still at sea/work.
So, we're okay this week. Hope everyone else out there is doing okay. My reality has yet to really hit. I've got to get mentally prepared for our Turkey Trip to the in-laws. I still have no idea if H knows his dad bought him a ticket for Turkey Trip. Only time will tell.
I Feel A Good Cry Welling Up - 11/18/19 06:17 AM
StepMIL text again. Asked about H again. Before I read her text, I wrote out what I could say. I didn't say anything except "no I haven't heard anything new". I'm crying as I type this. Anxiety. My hearts racing. Reality is closing in. I'm not ready for this. I have to answer with something at some point.
My rehearsed reply (before we travel) is to text: "Going through some things, don't want to get into it at the moment"
Do I add H to the reply? "We're going through some things... " I'd rather not discuss it. And keep replying I don't want to talk about it/H (until I want to). I'd be as polite as possible of course.
Or is it so terribly wrong to text H and politely urge him to contact his father? Take some of this unwanted pressure off of me. Why do I have to answer for him? I DON' T KNOW ANYTHING.
I don't know anything. We're going through some things, and I don’t have any answers.
Thoughts?
Wish H would just buck up and speak! You're unhappy, you need to figure things out. Pass the gravy please!
Feeling better. Glad I can laugh a little in times that challenge me.
Time for an ice pack. My eyes need it!
Keep on keeping on everybody.
My rehearsed reply (before we travel) is to text: "Going through some things, don't want to get into it at the moment"
Do I add H to the reply? "We're going through some things... " I'd rather not discuss it. And keep replying I don't want to talk about it/H (until I want to). I'd be as polite as possible of course.
Or is it so terribly wrong to text H and politely urge him to contact his father? Take some of this unwanted pressure off of me. Why do I have to answer for him? I DON' T KNOW ANYTHING.
I don't know anything. We're going through some things, and I don’t have any answers.
Thoughts?
Wish H would just buck up and speak! You're unhappy, you need to figure things out. Pass the gravy please!
Feeling better. Glad I can laugh a little in times that challenge me.
Time for an ice pack. My eyes need it!
Keep on keeping on everybody.
Re: I Feel A Good Cry Welling Up - 11/18/19 02:20 PM
what did your H say to his family?last
when was the last time he contacted them
when was the last time he contacted you?
Can you have direct communication with your H and ask him what he wants his family to know?
I think the truth is a good place to start
I sense you are holding a heavy burden by covering this up and all your energy is going to that instead of grieving and healing
therapy and growth to let him go
Nothing you say or do or dont say or do will change this
If the "cat" gets out of the bag, you may be able to move forward feeling better
Talk with a db coach and see if you can get some guidence and support
This is just my opinion..go within to seek what feels best for you and follow that
I know its hard
we are here for you-
when was the last time he contacted them
when was the last time he contacted you?
Can you have direct communication with your H and ask him what he wants his family to know?
I think the truth is a good place to start
I sense you are holding a heavy burden by covering this up and all your energy is going to that instead of grieving and healing
therapy and growth to let him go
Nothing you say or do or dont say or do will change this
If the "cat" gets out of the bag, you may be able to move forward feeling better
Talk with a db coach and see if you can get some guidence and support
This is just my opinion..go within to seek what feels best for you and follow that
I know its hard
we are here for you-
Re: I Feel A Good Cry Welling Up - 11/18/19 02:38 PM
I am truly sorry that you are having a difficult time keeping people at bay w/the many questions that they have. I would suggest that you send your h a text message/email and advise him that people are inquiring about him, i.e., especially his immediate family. Suggest that he might want to contact them directly and answer their questions or if he doesn't wish to do that, then advise you as to what you need to say to them.
If he doesn't respond within a reasonable time period, then the next time you are asked about him, just be honest and say "I don't know. I haven't heard from him". That is the truth and you do not owe them any other explanations, If you wish to say something more at Thanksgiving, then do it in person, but really, you don't know what is going on and you do not know where he is and that is all they really need to know.
I hope that today is a better day for you.
If he doesn't respond within a reasonable time period, then the next time you are asked about him, just be honest and say "I don't know. I haven't heard from him". That is the truth and you do not owe them any other explanations, If you wish to say something more at Thanksgiving, then do it in person, but really, you don't know what is going on and you do not know where he is and that is all they really need to know.
I hope that today is a better day for you.
Re: I Feel A Good Cry Welling Up - 11/18/19 05:31 PM
Originally Posted by peacetoday
what did your H say to his family?last
when was the last time he contacted them
when was the last time he contacted you?
Can you have direct communication with your H and ask him what he wants his family to know?
I think the truth is a good place to start
I sense you are holding a heavy burden by covering this up and all your energy is going to that instead of grieving and healing
therapy and growth to let him go
Nothing you say or do or dont say or do will change this
If the "cat" gets out of the bag, you may be able to move forward feeling better
Talk with a db coach and see if you can get some guidence and support
This is just my opinion..go within to seek what feels best for you and follow that
I know its hard
we are here for you-
when was the last time he contacted them
when was the last time he contacted you?
Can you have direct communication with your H and ask him what he wants his family to know?
I think the truth is a good place to start
I sense you are holding a heavy burden by covering this up and all your energy is going to that instead of grieving and healing
therapy and growth to let him go
Nothing you say or do or dont say or do will change this
If the "cat" gets out of the bag, you may be able to move forward feeling better
Talk with a db coach and see if you can get some guidence and support
This is just my opinion..go within to seek what feels best for you and follow that
I know its hard
we are here for you-
I have no idea what H has said to his family.
I have no idea when H has contact his family last. They say it's been a while or long time.
H contacted me June 3 via text, then talked (2nd bd. I don’t want to be married. I don't want to come home. The rest is a blur. Horrible connection. I Asked questions. Said the wrong things. Quickly stopped myself and listened, but connection was horrible. (So frustrating). I texted him after and said this was a difficult time for us...our business...not involve anyone else say anything....he agreed, said thank you & sorry.
July & Sept: I contacted H (emergency and huge home repair) he replied back.
I have a way to directly contact H. I can see his online status, also by date & time.
I think it's time to ask him for his input. As suggested, "What do you want your family to know". I agree that Nothing I say or do or dont say or do will change this ... saying nothing or saying something doesn't change anything. I'm going to go for it. This is a huge burden on me.
Re: I Feel A Good Cry Welling Up - 11/18/19 05:37 PM
Originally Posted by peacetoday
what did your H say to his family?last
when was the last time he contacted them
when was the last time he contacted you?
Can you have direct communication with your H and ask him what he wants his family to know?
I think the truth is a good place to start
I sense you are holding a heavy burden by covering this up and all your energy is going to that instead of grieving and healing
therapy and growth to let him go
Nothing you say or do or dont say or do will change this
If the "cat" gets out of the bag, you may be able to move forward feeling better
Talk with a db coach and see if you can get some guidence and support
This is just my opinion..go within to seek what feels best for you and follow that
I know its hard
we are here for you-
when was the last time he contacted them
when was the last time he contacted you?
Can you have direct communication with your H and ask him what he wants his family to know?
I think the truth is a good place to start
I sense you are holding a heavy burden by covering this up and all your energy is going to that instead of grieving and healing
therapy and growth to let him go
Nothing you say or do or dont say or do will change this
If the "cat" gets out of the bag, you may be able to move forward feeling better
Talk with a db coach and see if you can get some guidence and support
This is just my opinion..go within to seek what feels best for you and follow that
I know its hard
we are here for you-
I have no idea what H has said to his family.
I have no idea when H has contact his family last. They say it's been a while or long time.
H contacted me June 3 via text, then talked (2nd bd. I don’t want to be married. I don't want to come home. The rest is a blur. Horrible connection. I Asked questions. Said the wrong things. Quickly stopped myself and listened, but connection was horrible. (So frustrating). I texted him after and said this was a difficult time for us...our business...not involve anyone else say anything....he agreed, said thank you & sorry.
July & Sept: I contacted H (emergency and huge home repair) he replied back.
I have a way to directly contact H. I can see his online status, also by date & time.
I think it's time to ask him for his input. As suggested, "What do you want your family to know". I agree that Nothing I say or do or dont say or do will change this ... saying nothing or saying something doesn't change anything. I'm going to go for it. This is a huge burden on me.
Re: I Feel A Good Cry Welling Up - 11/18/19 05:37 PM
Originally Posted by peacetoday
what did your H say to his family?last
when was the last time he contacted them
when was the last time he contacted you?
Can you have direct communication with your H and ask him what he wants his family to know?
I think the truth is a good place to start
I sense you are holding a heavy burden by covering this up and all your energy is going to that instead of grieving and healing
therapy and growth to let him go
Nothing you say or do or dont say or do will change this
If the "cat" gets out of the bag, you may be able to move forward feeling better
Talk with a db coach and see if you can get some guidence and support
This is just my opinion..go within to seek what feels best for you and follow that
I know its hard
we are here for you-
when was the last time he contacted them
when was the last time he contacted you?
Can you have direct communication with your H and ask him what he wants his family to know?
I think the truth is a good place to start
I sense you are holding a heavy burden by covering this up and all your energy is going to that instead of grieving and healing
therapy and growth to let him go
Nothing you say or do or dont say or do will change this
If the "cat" gets out of the bag, you may be able to move forward feeling better
Talk with a db coach and see if you can get some guidence and support
This is just my opinion..go within to seek what feels best for you and follow that
I know its hard
we are here for you-
I have no idea what H has said to his family.
I have no idea when H has contact his family last. They say it's been a while or long time.
H contacted me June 3 via text, then talked (2nd bd. I don’t want to be married. I don't want to come home. The rest is a blur. Horrible connection. I Asked questions. Said the wrong things. Quickly stopped myself and listened, but connection was horrible. (So frustrating). I texted him after and said this was a difficult time for us...our business...not involve anyone else say anything....he agreed, said thank you & sorry.
July & Sept: I contacted H (emergency and huge home repair) he replied back.
I have a way to directly contact H. I can see his online status, also by date & time.
I think it's time to ask him for his input. As suggested, "What do you want your family to know". I agree that Nothing I say or do or dont say or do will change this ... saying nothing or saying something doesn't change anything. I'm going to go for it. This is a huge burden on me.
Re: I Feel A Good Cry Welling Up - 11/18/19 05:48 PM
××××××Oops... communication glitch. I replied a few times to Peace. Oops Reports sent. ××××××××
Re: I Feel A Good Cry Welling Up - 11/18/19 05:57 PM
Originally Posted by job
I am truly sorry that you are having a difficult time keeping people at bay w/the many questions that they have. I would suggest that you send your h a text message/email and advise him that people are inquiring about him, i.e., especially his immediate family. Suggest that he might want to contact them directly and answer their questions or if he doesn't wish to do that, then advise you as to what you need to say to them.
If he doesn't respond within a reasonable time period, then the next time you are asked about him, just be honest and say "I don't know. I haven't heard from him". That is the truth and you do not owe them any other explanations, If you wish to say something more at Thanksgiving, then do it in person, but really, you don't know what is going on and you do not know where he is and that is all they really need to know.
I hope that today is a better day for you.
If he doesn't respond within a reasonable time period, then the next time you are asked about him, just be honest and say "I don't know. I haven't heard from him". That is the truth and you do not owe them any other explanations, If you wish to say something more at Thanksgiving, then do it in person, but really, you don't know what is going on and you do not know where he is and that is all they really need to know.
I hope that today is a better day for you.
Thank you. I've written my points out and will proceed with attempting contact. I've had enough of dodging questions and want H input before opening up this can of worms.
Re: I Feel A Good Cry Welling Up - 11/18/19 05:59 PM
Peacetoday, thank you for your reply as well. Your input has helped.
Re: I Feel A Good Cry Welling Up - 11/18/19 06:08 PM
Good Morning Can
Sorry about the ramped up anxiety. It is obvious you are under a lot of pressure.
Breathe.
I believe in something - The truth will set you free.
As time goes on and Turkey Day grows closer, you are getting bombarded with more and more questions. The family probably know even less than you, and is just seeking answers. Wanting to know what, when, and how you are all going to arrive and such.
You, your mental health, is most important.
Contact them and let them know. Let the chips fall where they do. Cry, reach out, be vulnerable. Once this is in the open you will feel better.
I did this with “our” friends. Some stayed, some left. I found peace and support.
I know family is different than friends.
This ranks right up there with facing and letting go of your fears.
(((CanBird)))
Do what is right for you.
DnJ
Sorry about the ramped up anxiety. It is obvious you are under a lot of pressure.
Breathe.
I believe in something - The truth will set you free.
As time goes on and Turkey Day grows closer, you are getting bombarded with more and more questions. The family probably know even less than you, and is just seeking answers. Wanting to know what, when, and how you are all going to arrive and such.
You, your mental health, is most important.
Contact them and let them know. Let the chips fall where they do. Cry, reach out, be vulnerable. Once this is in the open you will feel better.
I did this with “our” friends. Some stayed, some left. I found peace and support.
I know family is different than friends.
This ranks right up there with facing and letting go of your fears.
(((CanBird)))
Do what is right for you.
DnJ
Re: I Feel A Good Cry Welling Up - 11/18/19 06:16 PM
Thanks DnJ. I was hoping to hear from you and there you are..lol.
Yes. I need to do what's right for me.
Yes. I need to do what's right for me.
Doing What's Right For Me: Contacting H - 11/18/19 06:25 PM
I'm attempting to contact H. This will be the first time I've reached out to H about our sitch. I'm tired of his family asking me questions about him that I can't answer. H needs to know whats going on and hopefully we can move forward. It's time.
This will be it:
"Your family is asking about you. I don't know what you want your family to know. Might you consider contacting them directly? If you wish not to, advise me on what I need to say to them".
Copy and pasting soon.
Happy Monday
This will be it:
"Your family is asking about you. I don't know what you want your family to know. Might you consider contacting them directly? If you wish not to, advise me on what I need to say to them".
Copy and pasting soon.
Happy Monday
Re: Doing What's Right For Me: Contacting H - 11/18/19 08:28 PM
That sounds pretty good.
Well done.
Well done.
H is talking. Here We Go - 11/18/19 08:52 PM
H gave me a reply.
Very remorseful messagel. I'll post more details later. He kind of answered my questions, he's still at work and trying to finish up. Guess that's something for the in-laws.
I feel better that we're communicating. It's a start.
Very remorseful messagel. I'll post more details later. He kind of answered my questions, he's still at work and trying to finish up. Guess that's something for the in-laws.
I feel better that we're communicating. It's a start.
H is talking. And it goes like this... - 11/18/19 11:45 PM
Me: "Hi.Your family is asking about you. I don't know what you want your family to know. Might you consider contacting them directly? If you wish not to, advise me on what I need to say to them".
1 1/2 later....
H: Hi. I'm still on the water.
I'm sorry I haven't been in contact with you.
I'm nervous & guilty & ashamed & feeling like everything is beyond what I can handle and just trying to finish work here and messages are coming.
I'm lost.
I'm more than sorry.
I don't know what to say or if I'm allowed to talk to you or D3.
I feel so bad inside.
I have to work now.
I feel that I am the worst person.
44mins later my reply
Me: You can always talk to D3. And you can always always talk to me no matter what.
I then text brother inlaw & StepMIL, ..."he's still at work and trying to finish up. That's all I know.
I feel SO relieved that the lines of communication are open. I gave him space & didn't contact him (unless it was an emergency). IF he had wanted to talk, he could have taken action to do so. I'm not angry. Disappointed a bit that he hasn't tried. I sorry for him that he's trouble, but he should feel sorry. And here we are. Let's see what's next.
1 1/2 later....
H: Hi. I'm still on the water.
I'm sorry I haven't been in contact with you.
I'm nervous & guilty & ashamed & feeling like everything is beyond what I can handle and just trying to finish work here and messages are coming.
I'm lost.
I'm more than sorry.
I don't know what to say or if I'm allowed to talk to you or D3.
I feel so bad inside.
I have to work now.
I feel that I am the worst person.
44mins later my reply
Me: You can always talk to D3. And you can always always talk to me no matter what.
I then text brother inlaw & StepMIL, ..."he's still at work and trying to finish up. That's all I know.
I feel SO relieved that the lines of communication are open. I gave him space & didn't contact him (unless it was an emergency). IF he had wanted to talk, he could have taken action to do so. I'm not angry. Disappointed a bit that he hasn't tried. I sorry for him that he's trouble, but he should feel sorry. And here we are. Let's see what's next.
Re: H is talking. And it goes like this... - 11/19/19 12:44 AM
Hi Can
That is an encouraging response from H.
He is looking within himself and he is sorry.
You can see the pressure and confusion within him.
You are correct give him space. Remember no pressure (he’s got enough), he will bolt. Dig deep girl, find patience. You are going to have to let him lead things/conversations for a while - if and when he wants to. (You still don’t be a doormat )
People have to hit rock bottom to want to change. Let him hit it, compassionately. Don’t blame or judge.
Keep working on yourself and moving forward. There is a long way to go, become a beacon he wants to follow.
DnJ
That is an encouraging response from H.
He is looking within himself and he is sorry.
You can see the pressure and confusion within him.
You are correct give him space. Remember no pressure (he’s got enough), he will bolt. Dig deep girl, find patience. You are going to have to let him lead things/conversations for a while - if and when he wants to. (You still don’t be a doormat
)People have to hit rock bottom to want to change. Let him hit it, compassionately. Don’t blame or judge.
Keep working on yourself and moving forward. There is a long way to go, become a beacon he wants to follow.
DnJ
Re: H is talking. And it goes like this... - 11/19/19 01:17 AM
Thanks DnJ. I definitely see he's hurting. I do hope he opens up more, for himself, to begin healing, however long that takes. I am standing by. A Lighthouse for my captain. Whether it's me he talks to or someone else, he's holding onto a lot.
I've told him I'm here to listen. Yes, we are still married, but I need to be just a friend. No judgment. He needs to trust me. When the 1st BD came, I was able to listen. Felt like I was a counselor of sorts. Just listening, nodding my head, validating his words. Yes, I did stray from the conversation, but reeled myself back to JUST LISTEN.
He's driving without a map, and I'm along for the ride. Buckle up!
I've told him I'm here to listen. Yes, we are still married, but I need to be just a friend. No judgment. He needs to trust me. When the 1st BD came, I was able to listen. Felt like I was a counselor of sorts. Just listening, nodding my head, validating his words. Yes, I did stray from the conversation, but reeled myself back to JUST LISTEN.
He's driving without a map, and I'm along for the ride. Buckle up!
Re: H is talking. And it goes like this... - 11/19/19 01:37 PM
Thank you for sharing this. I am sending out positive vibes for you both of you. I sincerely hope things keep progressing positively for you.
AT
AT
Re: H is talking. And it goes like this... - 11/19/19 02:12 PM
Can
Well done!
Im so glad you reached our and he responded-
Now you have a little more information
He seemed reflective which is good because he sees he is the problem
But- please keep your expectations low- we don't know what kind of trouble he has got himself in-or how long this ride may be
IT is important for you to start your healing process..this will also help with any future R
therapy/support highly suggested
Feel the relief and know his crises was never about you-
although some changes will have to be made to move forward with him if thats an option..even as friends for now
maybe the lines of communication can be open and in some way you can support him on his journey if he allows
but allow for space now--
if too much time passes, you can reach out with a caring message with no pressure around the r
Well done!
Im so glad you reached our and he responded-
Now you have a little more information
He seemed reflective which is good because he sees he is the problem
But- please keep your expectations low- we don't know what kind of trouble he has got himself in-or how long this ride may be
IT is important for you to start your healing process..this will also help with any future R
therapy/support highly suggested
Feel the relief and know his crises was never about you-
although some changes will have to be made to move forward with him if thats an option..even as friends for now
maybe the lines of communication can be open and in some way you can support him on his journey if he allows
but allow for space now--
if too much time passes, you can reach out with a caring message with no pressure around the r
Re: H is talking. And it goes like this... - 11/19/19 03:54 PM
Can,
So happy to see this. Like Peace says, though, take it slowly and keep expectations low. I'm sure you feel some well deserved relief, and it sounds promising. Good luck to you!
W
So happy to see this. Like Peace says, though, take it slowly and keep expectations low. I'm sure you feel some well deserved relief, and it sounds promising. Good luck to you!
W
Re: H is talking. And it goes like this... - 11/19/19 04:53 PM
Originally Posted by AuroraTr
Thank you for sharing this. I am sending out positive vibes for you both of you. I sincerely hope things keep progressing positively for you.
AT
AT
AT(Remo?) , thank you for the positive vibes. We all need them. Right back at you.
Re: H is talking. And it goes like this... - 11/19/19 04:57 PM
PT & W... thank you both as well.
Proper replies later.
Proper replies later.
H Speaks Again & Again . BIG BIG update... - 11/20/19 03:43 AM
H: I may be done here on Sunday or Monday.
My heart! My reply: Okay.
I wanted to say more, but I know that was sufficient. If he wants to share that information with anyone else that's up to him. However, if family asks... I'm not sure if I should share? I guess it doesn't matter. He didn't ask me to keep it a secret.
I don't know what his plans are after he is done work. He's a 5hr plane ride away. My heart is beating fast, in a good way. I know he's sorry, lost, hurting. In order for me to make things easier on myself, in my mind, I am acting as if he's my brother with an addiction. That makes the detachment easier. No expectations.
WOW. As I'm typing this, he asked, "Can I come home? Do you want me to come home?"
WOW.
Yes. And yes. If that's what you want.
My heart! My reply: Okay.
I wanted to say more, but I know that was sufficient. If he wants to share that information with anyone else that's up to him. However, if family asks... I'm not sure if I should share? I guess it doesn't matter. He didn't ask me to keep it a secret.
I don't know what his plans are after he is done work. He's a 5hr plane ride away. My heart is beating fast, in a good way. I know he's sorry, lost, hurting. In order for me to make things easier on myself, in my mind, I am acting as if he's my brother with an addiction. That makes the detachment easier. No expectations.
WOW. As I'm typing this, he asked, "Can I come home? Do you want me to come home?"
WOW.
Yes. And yes. If that's what you want.
H Says More...OMGOSH - 11/20/19 04:05 AM
H: Can I come home? Do you want me to come home ?
Me: Yes, of course, it's your home too. D3 misses you.
H: Omg.
H: Thank you.
Me: Can I share with family?
H: yes.
Me: ..(sent photo of D3..messy face)
H: Beautiful messy face.
WOW. Ah....thank you DB community. If I'm absent for awhile, it's all good. (Cleaning house!)
Will certainly update asap during the early stages of this MLChallenge.
Me: Yes, of course, it's your home too. D3 misses you.
H: Omg.
H: Thank you.
Me: Can I share with family?
H: yes.
Me: ..(sent photo of D3..messy face)
H: Beautiful messy face.
WOW. Ah....thank you DB community. If I'm absent for awhile, it's all good. (Cleaning house!)
Will certainly update asap during the early stages of this MLChallenge.
Re: H Says More...OMGOSH - 11/20/19 05:41 AM
Great news CanBird!!! Just a word of caution... In 2014, first BD, my H left home for a month after five months of trying to “find himself”. I was so relieved when he wanted to come back home that I just let him with no questions asked. In the ensuing couple of months, whenever I asked my H what happened, he would just say he couldn’t really remember and it was all very foggy about what he went through and didn’t even feel like it was him. He was grateful to be back, “in love” with me again and just wanted to move forward. I was so relieved, I just let him. Two months later he got Shingles and started his double life that lasted four years until he was found out. In hindsight, if I could do it all over, I would not have let him come back home so easily. I may have let him move back but it would have been with conditions...marital therapy, date nights, more time spent together and with our kids. If I hadn’t just let him walk back in with no expectations, I really feel like maybe we could have avoided BD #2. Anyway... I don’t want to rain on your parade... I just want you to be careful and not set yourself up for further disappointment down the road. Best of luck. We’re all rooting for you!!!
Re: H Says More...OMGOSH - 11/20/19 06:08 AM
Originally Posted by DejaVu6
Great news CanBird!!! Just a word of caution... In 2014, first BD, my H left home for a month after five months of trying to “find himself”. I was so relieved when he wanted to come back home that I just let him with no questions asked. In the ensuing couple of months, whenever I asked my H what happened, he would just say he couldn’t really remember and it was all very foggy about what he went through and didn’t even feel like it was him. He was grateful to be back, “in love” with me again and just wanted to move forward. I was so relieved, I just let him. Two months later he got Shingles and started his double life that lasted four years until he was found out. In hindsight, if I could do it all over, I would not have let him come back home so easily. I may have let him move back but it would have been with conditions...marital therapy, date nights, more time spent together and with our kids. If I hadn’t just let him walk back in with no expectations, I really feel like maybe we could have avoided BD #2. Anyway... I don’t want to rain on your parade... I just want you to be careful and not set yourself up for further disappointment down the road. Best of luck. We’re all rooting for you!!!
Thanks DejaVu6. Moving forward with caution definitely. I'm hopeful he gets the help he needs, whatever the outcome. And I will be the best me I can be, for myself and D3. Hopeful he'll be willing to explore ways to bring us closer, once he's gotten his feet on the ground. No rush. My first name is patience. Not really, but I'm not pushing anything. Healing takes time.
Reviewing Homework - 11/21/19 06:50 AM
Homework? Yes. I've had over 7 months without H, to do homework. Researched MLC/Depression and even "Male Menopause". Spent countless hours reading post after post on this site, starting with the welcome page from job. I've read Sandi's rules & typed out my favorite ones to follow. In the beginning my en suite bathroom mirror was filled with post-its to keep me motivated. I would read something inspiring and write in onto the mirror with wipe able marker. In September a good friend stayed with me for almost a month. I took down my inspiration wall, but put a few simple phrases on fridge for myself. I didn't share my sitch with her.
Tonight as I was sorting through "things", I came across my post-its & other words of wisdom; my homework. Words in bold type, others underlined. I will keep my favorite list close, so I can pull it out when I need it. Along with my homework, I have the letter I wrote H before he left. He read it, and I found it under his car seat. Luckily I found it before my friend borrow the vehicle! It's pretty much a Lighthouse letter. I'm proud of it and will be putting it back where H left it.
I was thinking of making a copy of it, but I know how I feel, or how I felt then. It hasn't changed. I've gotten stronger emotional over the months. The grieving is much. Like when my mother passed, before we got married. (7 years ago). Time heals. The hurt is still there, but it's not as painful. Time has been on my side. I can't believe 7 months went by so quickly. And here we are.
I'll continue to post when I can. No official word on his arrival. That's normal..lol..
Be well and smile today
Tonight as I was sorting through "things", I came across my post-its & other words of wisdom; my homework. Words in bold type, others underlined. I will keep my favorite list close, so I can pull it out when I need it. Along with my homework, I have the letter I wrote H before he left. He read it, and I found it under his car seat. Luckily I found it before my friend borrow the vehicle! It's pretty much a Lighthouse letter. I'm proud of it and will be putting it back where H left it.
I was thinking of making a copy of it, but I know how I feel, or how I felt then. It hasn't changed. I've gotten stronger emotional over the months. The grieving is much. Like when my mother passed, before we got married. (7 years ago). Time heals. The hurt is still there, but it's not as painful. Time has been on my side. I can't believe 7 months went by so quickly. And here we are.
I'll continue to post when I can. No official word on his arrival. That's normal..lol..
Be well and smile today
Re: Reviewing Homework - 11/21/19 08:22 AM
Hi canbird I’m really thrilled for you with these recent developments and sincerely hope this presages a new and better chapter for all of you! Good luck and god bless!
Re: Reviewing Homework - 11/21/19 11:16 AM
Hi Canbird,
It’s great that he has reached out, but as Peace advises, please be wary. If he is in MLC, it lasts years. In my sitch, 5 years since BD.
H came home 16 months ago and only in the last month I can say he is truly back, as he was before BD.
It may be the case that your H has nowhere else to go, especially at this time of year, where they typically like to touch base again, only for them to go back in their MLC tunnel in the New Year.
I know it’s almost impossible but please keep your expectations at zero, then you can’t be hurt (any more than you have been) if it happens all over again.
You are a prime example of letting the WAS go on their own journey, you are doing brilliantly.
It’s great that he has reached out, but as Peace advises, please be wary. If he is in MLC, it lasts years. In my sitch, 5 years since BD.
H came home 16 months ago and only in the last month I can say he is truly back, as he was before BD.
It may be the case that your H has nowhere else to go, especially at this time of year, where they typically like to touch base again, only for them to go back in their MLC tunnel in the New Year.
I know it’s almost impossible but please keep your expectations at zero, then you can’t be hurt (any more than you have been) if it happens all over again.
You are a prime example of letting the WAS go on their own journey, you are doing brilliantly.
Re: Reviewing Homework - 11/21/19 01:45 PM
Can
He wants to come home
This is a place I have never been, so I cant advise
I am happy for you though that you get this opportunity and to see what happens
Please keep us posted
He wants to come home
This is a place I have never been, so I cant advise
I am happy for you though that you get this opportunity and to see what happens
Please keep us posted
Re: Reviewing Homework - 11/21/19 05:39 PM
Canbird - we all come at this from different angles depending on what kind of MLCer we had. I had a rare type, a live - in who stayed in house for 4 years post BD. He moved downstairs and recreated a teenage bedroom for himself and lived like a rebellious 17 year old. It was quite something to behold.
So, from my vantage point, based on what I saw of an MLCer, I can tell you they are mighty conflicted and confused. They go through jags of peeking out and seeming to have clear thoughts. They even recognize something is wrong in these moments! And so we believe they are on the mend. But then they slip back into the depressive/foggy thinking. They do tend to peek out more at holidays.
It is good that he reached out to you. However, if this is MLC, I am afraid what Westo writes is very accurate. There is an underlying issue there that cannot be remedied quickly.
But, no matter what, if you are standing for your marriage, this is a time to show him you are a safe place for him to land; to treat him with kindness.
So, from my vantage point, based on what I saw of an MLCer, I can tell you they are mighty conflicted and confused. They go through jags of peeking out and seeming to have clear thoughts. They even recognize something is wrong in these moments! And so we believe they are on the mend. But then they slip back into the depressive/foggy thinking. They do tend to peek out more at holidays.
It is good that he reached out to you. However, if this is MLC, I am afraid what Westo writes is very accurate. There is an underlying issue there that cannot be remedied quickly.
But, no matter what, if you are standing for your marriage, this is a time to show him you are a safe place for him to land; to treat him with kindness.
Re: Reviewing Homework - 11/21/19 06:35 PM
Thank you PeaceToday. Not sure what's in store. I'm an optimist at heart, but I'm not naive. Proceeding as usual at this point.
Thank you Westo & HaWho. I have no clue what my Hs MLChallange will bring. I've got ZERO expectations. H is one of my best friends, and is hurting. I'm here to listen.
He's still away at sea/work/remote location, but says he'll be done soon, and has asked, "Can I come home? Do you want me to come home?" My reply was, "Yes, of course you can. It's your home too. D3 misses you." (something like that..lol). I haven't been given any other information at this point. He's in the perfect place to bolt if he wants too. If he needs more time away, I hope he takes it. He is free to go as he pleases and has my blessings. I'm surprised he's asked to come home. He's very well traveled, has the means to go anywhere and will have months off from work (it's seasonal) to have all this freedom. Maybe he'll see D3 for a bit & then bolt? I don't know. ZERO expectations from me. I'm here to listen.
Moving forward, if he does come home (actions speak louder than words) I am his friend. I always will be no matter what. I'm usually the talker in the relationship, the hugger, the one who says I LOVE YOU, the one that is silly (tries to find humor in any situation). So, I will be taking a different approach. A 180'? Sort of, I guess. Will definitely be kind going into this, I always have, that's who I am. BUT not a doormat. THAT will not happen, I will speak up if needed. WE need to communicate. He'll need to take the lead going into this, if that's what he wants. I want us to get over this rough patch. (That's what I'm calling it). I'm an optimist. My biggest hope is that he gets the help he needs. I'll be okay no matter what. I'm in control of what I do & how I react. D3 is in control of herself, I'm just her guide. And with H, I'm a friend who just happens to be a therapist too. (not really, but that is one hats that I will be wearing when needed)
Thank you Westo & HaWho. I have no clue what my Hs MLChallange will bring. I've got ZERO expectations. H is one of my best friends, and is hurting. I'm here to listen.
He's still away at sea/work/remote location, but says he'll be done soon, and has asked, "Can I come home? Do you want me to come home?" My reply was, "Yes, of course you can. It's your home too. D3 misses you." (something like that..lol). I haven't been given any other information at this point. He's in the perfect place to bolt if he wants too. If he needs more time away, I hope he takes it. He is free to go as he pleases and has my blessings. I'm surprised he's asked to come home. He's very well traveled, has the means to go anywhere and will have months off from work (it's seasonal) to have all this freedom. Maybe he'll see D3 for a bit & then bolt? I don't know. ZERO expectations from me. I'm here to listen.
Moving forward, if he does come home (actions speak louder than words) I am his friend. I always will be no matter what. I'm usually the talker in the relationship, the hugger, the one who says I LOVE YOU, the one that is silly (tries to find humor in any situation). So, I will be taking a different approach. A 180'? Sort of, I guess. Will definitely be kind going into this, I always have, that's who I am. BUT not a doormat. THAT will not happen, I will speak up if needed. WE need to communicate. He'll need to take the lead going into this, if that's what he wants. I want us to get over this rough patch. (That's what I'm calling it). I'm an optimist. My biggest hope is that he gets the help he needs. I'll be okay no matter what. I'm in control of what I do & how I react. D3 is in control of herself, I'm just her guide. And with H, I'm a friend who just happens to be a therapist too. (not really, but that is one hats that I will be wearing when needed)
What Now? How to Prepare for H homecoming? - 11/21/19 06:55 PM
Nothing is 100% as of yet. Actions speak louder than words. I'm repeating myself, if you've been following along. But in the meantime, I'm doing a few things to prepare for HH (H homecoming):
1. How will I act/react. See post above (homework; a friend)
2. Act as if: Clean the house, make everything presentable, including myself! That's what I would normally do.
3. Be The Best Me I Can Be: This should be first, but part of this is doing the other stuff..lol.. disorganization drives me batty! I've been treating myself to things like doing my hair, massage, pedi... etc etc... I plan on putting the best version of me out there.
4. Do more than I usually do: Cook. I eat to survive, not for fun. I can read, but I don't like cooking. But I plan on making a dish that H really likes.
Any thoughts on this? OH! I'm reading this relationship course/book too. Hopefully that will give me some/us some tips on how to move forward. NOT RUSHING things of course. I just want to be prepared, if the moment is right.
And what if the moment is right? YIKES! I really want to be physical with H, but of course don't know what he's been up to when not at work (although he's been 99.9% on a boat in water for 7 months). I will be cautious. Yes, I might give in. I have needs too! It doesn't change the situation, it's scratching an itch. Maybe we can just take baby steps if that's where we're at.
Any way my friends. I will keep posting whenever I can.
A smile is the best accessory. Find yours.
1. How will I act/react. See post above (homework; a friend)
2. Act as if: Clean the house, make everything presentable, including myself! That's what I would normally do.
3. Be The Best Me I Can Be: This should be first, but part of this is doing the other stuff..lol.. disorganization drives me batty! I've been treating myself to things like doing my hair, massage, pedi... etc etc... I plan on putting the best version of me out there.
4. Do more than I usually do: Cook. I eat to survive, not for fun. I can read, but I don't like cooking. But I plan on making a dish that H really likes.
Any thoughts on this? OH! I'm reading this relationship course/book too. Hopefully that will give me some/us some tips on how to move forward. NOT RUSHING things of course. I just want to be prepared, if the moment is right.
And what if the moment is right? YIKES! I really want to be physical with H, but of course don't know what he's been up to when not at work (although he's been 99.9% on a boat in water for 7 months). I will be cautious. Yes, I might give in. I have needs too! It doesn't change the situation, it's scratching an itch. Maybe we can just take baby steps if that's where we're at.
Any way my friends. I will keep posting whenever I can.
A smile is the best accessory. Find yours.
Nothing New: Standing Here - 11/23/19 08:46 AM
Journal ~ Did somethings for myself today. Had a few hours after work, while D3 was in daycare. Then we had dinner out,ice cream & a movie at home. Tomorrow D3 has a drop-off play date, so I'll have a few hours to do as I please. Cleaning house more than likely..lol..
No news from anyone. I'm not asking any questions either. No anxiety. Feeling normal.
Sleepy. Long day.
Have a great weekend every one.
No news from anyone. I'm not asking any questions either. No anxiety. Feeling normal.
Sleepy. Long day.
Have a great weekend every one.
This Week Is Going to Reveal Something - 11/24/19 08:35 PM
Here we are. 7 months plus with H away at sea/work, and this week we'll see each other for the first time after BD.
I still don't when. I still don't know if he still plans on coming home, but he ask if he could come home, if I wanted him too & I said yes..(see above posts for more details).
This week we ALL have tickets to fly out Thanksgiving. I'm assuming H is aware he has a ticket. I've never brought it up to him or to FIL who purchased tickets.
I'm repeating a lot of things I've been posting; not much is new..lol.. Any way. Whatever happens happens. D3 and myself are my focus.
I still don't when. I still don't know if he still plans on coming home, but he ask if he could come home, if I wanted him too & I said yes..(see above posts for more details).
This week we ALL have tickets to fly out Thanksgiving. I'm assuming H is aware he has a ticket. I've never brought it up to him or to FIL who purchased tickets.
I'm repeating a lot of things I've been posting; not much is new..lol.. Any way. Whatever happens happens. D3 and myself are my focus.
Re: This Week Is Going to Reveal Something - 11/24/19 08:40 PM
Just be yourself and allow him some space. If he wants to talk, listen very carefully and do not offer up advice/comments unless he asks for your input.
Travel safely to your in-laws and have a good time. Don't allow him to put a damper on your holiday.
Enjoy the time away and definitely....keep the focus on you and your little one.
Travel safely to your in-laws and have a good time. Don't allow him to put a damper on your holiday.
Enjoy the time away and definitely....keep the focus on you and your little one.
Re: This Week Is Going to Reveal Something - 11/25/19 05:14 PM
Originally Posted by job
Just be yourself and allow him some space. If he wants to talk, listen very carefully and do not offer up advice/comments unless he asks for your input.
Travel safely to your in-laws and have a good time. Don't allow him to put a damper on your holiday.
Enjoy the time away and definitely....keep the focus on you and your little one.
Travel safely to your in-laws and have a good time. Don't allow him to put a damper on your holiday.
Enjoy the time away and definitely....keep the focus on you and your little one.
Thank you Job. Good advice that I plan to follow. Not looking forward to silence. I'm always SO chatty! Thank goodness D3 is here to ease us into this homecoming. I don't plan on being a mime, but won't ask any R/M questions. Keep the chatter to a minimum. Let him take the lead.
I've been doing my "homework, studying", my eyes are sore. As advised , just be myself.
Hopefully my next update is an actual update. Waiting with patience.
Nothing New; Arms Crossed: Still Standing - 11/27/19 03:36 PM
D3 & I catch our flight later this afternoon. (H has a seat behind us. And I STILL don't know anything). StepMIL checked in with me via text last night, if H was home. I replied I hadn't heard from him; would let them know. I sent H a simple "Hi" text. No reply. He has two phones, might try the other later; but why bother? Too much? I'm angry. Disappointed and a whole lot of other things. Embarrassed. This is not my fault, I know.
When confronted with questions about H by my in-laws I am going to say my truth. "I'm not sure what's up with H. And I don't want to talk about it/him".
They can ask him. I'm done being the middle man.
Will I have a good time? Ugh..I'm dreading it. It's all for D3. I love my in-laws, they are great. Hoping find a silver lining somewhere. Board games will make me happy.
When confronted with questions about H by my in-laws I am going to say my truth. "I'm not sure what's up with H. And I don't want to talk about it/him".
They can ask him. I'm done being the middle man.
Will I have a good time? Ugh..I'm dreading it. It's all for D3. I love my in-laws, they are great. Hoping find a silver lining somewhere. Board games will make me happy.
Re: Nothing New; Arms Crossed: Still Standing - 11/27/19 04:24 PM
I am so sorry that the situation of visiting your in-laws is getting off to a rocky start. Keep your expectations at zero so that you do not get angry, upset, disappointed or resentful. You still do not know if he's going to show up for the flight or not...but if he doesn't, that is on him.
Your prepared response for the in-laws is just fine. It's honest and to the point. You aren't your h's keeper, therefore, he will need to be the one to advise them of the situation if and when they finally do see or hear from him.
Go, have a good time and remember...your daughter loves your in-laws and this is a holiday that she will and can enjoy. Leave the MLC monster at home and go. Try to relax and have some fun while you are there.
Travel safely.
Your prepared response for the in-laws is just fine. It's honest and to the point. You aren't your h's keeper, therefore, he will need to be the one to advise them of the situation if and when they finally do see or hear from him.
Go, have a good time and remember...your daughter loves your in-laws and this is a holiday that she will and can enjoy. Leave the MLC monster at home and go. Try to relax and have some fun while you are there.
Travel safely.
We're All Worried About H - 11/28/19 08:36 AM
H was not on our scheduled flight. No one has heard from him. S-MIL asked about him this morning, and again when she picked us up. I was honest, I really don't know what'sgoing on with him. When I saw his Dad, I said the same thing. I hugged him & said, I don't know what to say...I really don't know what's going on.
S-MIL told me his mom &: siblings have been concerned. We all are. This afternoon, I did text both his numbers, with a screen shot of our flight/itinerary, with the words at airport. I just want him to know where his daughter will be. He was emailed this information by his father like a month ago. We're all assuming he saw it. I'm assuming he saw it, and can't face every. Is he home? I don't know. I just wish I knew he was okay. Genuinely worried about his well being.
I must note, he works in remote areas at sea. Work may taken longer & you do need take a small plane to get to the main airport. By not responding to anything, it makes ones mind wander.
Should I reach out? Ask his dad to? We need to know he's okay or to let him know we're here for him.
S-MIL told me his mom &: siblings have been concerned. We all are. This afternoon, I did text both his numbers, with a screen shot of our flight/itinerary, with the words at airport. I just want him to know where his daughter will be. He was emailed this information by his father like a month ago. We're all assuming he saw it. I'm assuming he saw it, and can't face every. Is he home? I don't know. I just wish I knew he was okay. Genuinely worried about his well being.
I must note, he works in remote areas at sea. Work may taken longer & you do need take a small plane to get to the main airport. By not responding to anything, it makes ones mind wander.
Should I reach out? Ask his dad to? We need to know he's okay or to let him know we're here for him.
Re: We're All Worried About H - 11/28/19 09:44 AM
Hi Can,
I’m so sorry to read that H wasn’t on the flight, however, I didn’t expect him to be.
When, on checking in on you every day, he hadn’t come home over the weekend, I thought then it was highly doubtful he would turn up at the airport.
My personal opinion is, that this family trip was the last thing H needs at this time. His emails show he feels really bad for what he’s done, and still doing. The pressure on him to be with the family straight from coming home from sea is just too much for him, and also for you.
The likelihood of something happening to him on the light aircraft is very remote, it’s far more likely that,
A: his job hasn’t quite finished yet or
B: he was telling you what he knew you desperately wanted to hear.
I know you’re hurting, angry and very concerned for him right now, but please try and focus on you and your daughter and have a good time. You owe it to yourself.
Now that H’s parents know the score, let them take some of the burden of worry off you. He is their son after all and if reconciliation is to happen, you will both need that support from everyone.
He has told you that he wants to come home. Hold on to that. He could have told you that he wasn’t coming home. Very easy to do in an email.
He’s indicated that he wants you to keep the door ajar. I don’t think he had any intention of coming last weekend, but knew you would be spending time with his parents and would have to say something to them.
His behaviour is typical of someone in MLC. My H promised a couple of times he would come home.........it took him over a year to do so.
You have to dig deeper now, the holidays are around the corner and he will have you and your daughter very much in his mind.
I wouldn’t contact him. He knows you love him and are concerned for his well being. He knows where you are and as far as he’s concerned, he’s told you he wants to come home.
There is nothing else that you can do but continue to GAL and focus on you and your daughter.
Hang on in there!
I’m so sorry to read that H wasn’t on the flight, however, I didn’t expect him to be.
When, on checking in on you every day, he hadn’t come home over the weekend, I thought then it was highly doubtful he would turn up at the airport.
My personal opinion is, that this family trip was the last thing H needs at this time. His emails show he feels really bad for what he’s done, and still doing. The pressure on him to be with the family straight from coming home from sea is just too much for him, and also for you.
The likelihood of something happening to him on the light aircraft is very remote, it’s far more likely that,
A: his job hasn’t quite finished yet or
B: he was telling you what he knew you desperately wanted to hear.
I know you’re hurting, angry and very concerned for him right now, but please try and focus on you and your daughter and have a good time. You owe it to yourself.
Now that H’s parents know the score, let them take some of the burden of worry off you. He is their son after all and if reconciliation is to happen, you will both need that support from everyone.
He has told you that he wants to come home. Hold on to that. He could have told you that he wasn’t coming home. Very easy to do in an email.
He’s indicated that he wants you to keep the door ajar. I don’t think he had any intention of coming last weekend, but knew you would be spending time with his parents and would have to say something to them.
His behaviour is typical of someone in MLC. My H promised a couple of times he would come home.........it took him over a year to do so.
You have to dig deeper now, the holidays are around the corner and he will have you and your daughter very much in his mind.
I wouldn’t contact him. He knows you love him and are concerned for his well being. He knows where you are and as far as he’s concerned, he’s told you he wants to come home.
There is nothing else that you can do but continue to GAL and focus on you and your daughter.
Hang on in there!
Re: We're All Worried About H - 11/28/19 11:32 AM
Hi Can,
Sorry to hear H wasn’t on flight. I agree largely with Westo. It’s the pressure that’s driving H and his actions. He will reach out when he’s ready. Focus on you and your kids/family.
It’s going to be okay!
W
Sorry to hear H wasn’t on flight. I agree largely with Westo. It’s the pressure that’s driving H and his actions. He will reach out when he’s ready. Focus on you and your kids/family.
It’s going to be okay!
W
Re: We're All Worried About H - 11/28/19 12:44 PM
Good Morning Can
Westo said it well.
I think H flipped flopped between wanting to come and just can’t face things. Remember the seeds of crisis are usually sown in childhood; seeing his parents may be too much right now.
You told him your wants and that he is welcomed home. Don’t worry - he knows that.
Now, let this go, and enjoy the weekend. It’s ok to take a few days off.
You’ve given him the assurance of where you and daughter are, and that you are both safe. That is one less burden on his mind - good job. Give him the time and space he needs, he will take it anyhow - like he is doing now.
Focus on you and daughter, and please try to enjoy Thanksgiving.
(((CanBird)))
DnJ
Westo said it well.
I think H flipped flopped between wanting to come and just can’t face things. Remember the seeds of crisis are usually sown in childhood; seeing his parents may be too much right now.
You told him your wants and that he is welcomed home. Don’t worry - he knows that.
Now, let this go, and enjoy the weekend. It’s ok to take a few days off.
You’ve given him the assurance of where you and daughter are, and that you are both safe. That is one less burden on his mind - good job. Give him the time and space he needs, he will take it anyhow - like he is doing now.
Focus on you and daughter, and please try to enjoy Thanksgiving.
(((CanBird)))
DnJ
Re: We're All Worried About H - 11/28/19 01:23 PM
I agree with the others
His parents now know the truth
Let them do the contacting
he may still call them or you-
But you will get more by trying to enjoy the moments as best as possible-I know you are disappointed
The MLCer has a knack for throwing crumbs and again and again retreating...
they are confused and in pain and usually cant make up their mind
He opened the door with you- now you are free to be honest with his parents and let go-
Begin creating a new life..with no expectations..just good wishes for him
it is totally out of you control anyway
The MLCer sometimes abandons their parents, siblings, best friends and relatives
as well as the spouse and kids
His parents now know the truth
Let them do the contacting
he may still call them or you-
But you will get more by trying to enjoy the moments as best as possible-I know you are disappointed
The MLCer has a knack for throwing crumbs and again and again retreating...
they are confused and in pain and usually cant make up their mind
He opened the door with you- now you are free to be honest with his parents and let go-
Begin creating a new life..with no expectations..just good wishes for him
it is totally out of you control anyway
The MLCer sometimes abandons their parents, siblings, best friends and relatives
as well as the spouse and kids
Re: We're All Worried About H - 11/28/19 05:34 PM
Thanks everyone. Very thankful to wake up to all these posts.
I'm not contacting H; only replies. His family can do what they like.
I'm not contacting H; only replies. His family can do what they like.
Re: Standing to Save my Marriage Alone pt 3 - 11/30/19 01:53 AM
Westo is as usual kind and wise. Listen to her!
Keep being strong, you are a light! You will get through this!
Keep being strong, you are a light! You will get through this!
Today: Saving my Marriage Alone pt 2 - 11/30/19 06:39 PM
Journal ~ Thus far, no one has spoke about H in anyway shape or form. YIPPEE! Thankful for that!
Thanksgiving was fun, everyone was involved in prepping something. I threw myself right in there to keep busy. D3 was having a fun, but after a long nap (she usual doesn't nap), and zero interest in food, turns out she has tummy troubles, a bug of sorts/the runs. She relaxed watching her shows, the rest of us (minus FIL) played a board game after dinner. That was fun.
Then I got the bug yesterday. We're feeling better today. She's out of the house with her StepGrandma (my S-MIL ) for a few hours. I'm lying in bed, wondering what to do. My hip/back has been killing me for days. I guess a walk may or may not help. Nice to have alone time, but nothing to do. Not something I'm use to. And I'm not 100% sure if I should wander too far from a toilet!.lol Bummer right!? .lol
We leave Monday night. Then back to work.
Thanksgiving was fun, everyone was involved in prepping something. I threw myself right in there to keep busy. D3 was having a fun, but after a long nap (she usual doesn't nap), and zero interest in food, turns out she has tummy troubles, a bug of sorts/the runs. She relaxed watching her shows, the rest of us (minus FIL) played a board game after dinner. That was fun.
Then I got the bug yesterday. We're feeling better today. She's out of the house with her StepGrandma (my S-MIL ) for a few hours. I'm lying in bed, wondering what to do. My hip/back has been killing me for days. I guess a walk may or may not help. Nice to have alone time, but nothing to do. Not something I'm use to. And I'm not 100% sure if I should wander too far from a toilet!.lol Bummer right!? .lol
We leave Monday night. Then back to work.
Re: Today: Saving my Marriage Alone pt 2 - 11/30/19 06:54 PM
-ps.... I've been reading & rereading everyone's posts of encouragement. I've got to keep the focus on myself and D3. H is lost. Only he can figure out his next move.
Standing, but not still.
Standing, but not still.
Re: Today: Saving my Marriage Alone pt 2 - 11/30/19 08:26 PM
Hi Can
I assume no word from H
and his family seem to be letting go and enjoying the holiday ?
Im so glad T day was fun for you and D...sorry you are sick
hopefully you will feel better quickly
I assume no word from H
and his family seem to be letting go and enjoying the holiday ?
Im so glad T day was fun for you and D...sorry you are sick
hopefully you will feel better quickly
What Will be Next? - 12/02/19 08:51 PM
Flying home tonight. I've had a stomach virus since Friday afternoon. Still not feeling well. Hopefully I can manage our flight without any mishaps! I haven't been sick like this in a long time. Well, good thing is I didn't gain any weight (probably dropped 5).
Zero expectations going home. It's so weird. I know H is finished work. Trying to keep a brave face while still here with my in-laws. Zero talks about H from FIL. My StepMIL asks leading questions, but I skirt away from them. Other family (half BIL & 2 step-BIL ) have not asked. THANKFUL.
As with every trip, I learn more about H childhood: an adopted sister; his Dad's second relationship.
Time to go for now.
Zero expectations going home. It's so weird. I know H is finished work. Trying to keep a brave face while still here with my in-laws. Zero talks about H from FIL. My StepMIL asks leading questions, but I skirt away from them. Other family (half BIL & 2 step-BIL ) have not asked. THANKFUL.
As with every trip, I learn more about H childhood: an adopted sister; his Dad's second relationship.
Time to go for now.
Re: What Will be Next? - 12/02/19 09:43 PM
Travel safely and I hope you are feeling better soon.
Re: What Will be Next? - 12/02/19 10:01 PM
yes safe travels and get well
Re: What Will be Next? - 12/02/19 10:22 PM
Sorry to hear you’re still unwell. Does he have a key? I wouldn’t put it passed him to be there when you get home.
Nothing surprises me anymore with these MLCers!
Nothing surprises me anymore with these MLCers!
Re: What Will be Next? - 12/03/19 08:05 AM
Thanks for all the well wishes. We made it home safe. Funny but not, when FIL was driving us to the airport he said, " So..any plans, thoughts, about Christmas?" GOOD HEAVENS! SERIOUSLY? My reply was, "Well, not really thinking about at the moment."... ugh... and friends from out of state have already text they arrived and are here for the holidays. So not in the happy holiday spirit. Yup. BA HUM BUG over here.
No sign of H being here. (He has his own key). Again I'm filled with so many emotions right now, have to remind myself that H has a problem that is challenging him, that ONLY he can fix.
I have a lot of tug of wars going on within myself. I'm trying my hardest to detach, but I worry so much. It doesn't do any good. Guess I'm struggling with wanting to reach out and see if he's okay, letting him know I still am here. Maybe he needs to hear it again.
My focus needs to be else where. He's going to do whatever. So hard to not reach out. Almost a guilty feeling.
Off to bed. Feeling better, but not 100%.
No sign of H being here. (He has his own key). Again I'm filled with so many emotions right now, have to remind myself that H has a problem that is challenging him, that ONLY he can fix.
I have a lot of tug of wars going on within myself. I'm trying my hardest to detach, but I worry so much. It doesn't do any good. Guess I'm struggling with wanting to reach out and see if he's okay, letting him know I still am here. Maybe he needs to hear it again.
My focus needs to be else where. He's going to do whatever. So hard to not reach out. Almost a guilty feeling.
Off to bed. Feeling better, but not 100%.
Re: What Will be Next? - 12/03/19 12:43 PM
Good Morning Can
I’m glad Thanksgiving went well. And sorry about the illness that made the runs rounds. Lol.
Nope. He heard it.
He needs space and no pressure.
I understand and empathize with the tug of war, and that sort of guilty feeling. It is hard not to reach out.
Do you “think” he needs you to reach out, or is reaching out more for you?
From my experience it is the latter. You are starting to let go, fighting your addiction to H and the relationship, and detaching. This is a battle of your will. You are in a fight with your very mind and the desire for the chemicals that once flowed so freely before all this.
You are not with out weapons in this fight. Logic and reason are your biggest allies and strengthens during this time. See things accurately, see things clearly. Feelings will fade and flit away when not reinforced. Mental assertiveness; sword and shield. Arm yourself, this is a difficult and painful part of the path.
Focus elsewhere - focus on you and D3.
DnJ
I’m glad Thanksgiving went well. And sorry about the illness that made the runs rounds. Lol.
Originally Posted by CanBird
I have a lot of tug of wars going on within myself. I'm trying my hardest to detach, but I worry so much. It doesn't do any good. Guess I'm struggling with wanting to reach out and see if he's okay, letting him know I still am here. Maybe he needs to hear it again.
My focus needs to be else where. He's going to do whatever. So hard to not reach out. Almost a guilty feeling.
My focus needs to be else where. He's going to do whatever. So hard to not reach out. Almost a guilty feeling.
Originally Posted by Canbird
Maybe he needs to hear it again.
Nope. He heard it.
He needs space and no pressure.
I understand and empathize with the tug of war, and that sort of guilty feeling. It is hard not to reach out.
Do you “think” he needs you to reach out, or is reaching out more for you?
From my experience it is the latter. You are starting to let go, fighting your addiction to H and the relationship, and detaching. This is a battle of your will. You are in a fight with your very mind and the desire for the chemicals that once flowed so freely before all this.
You are not with out weapons in this fight. Logic and reason are your biggest allies and strengthens during this time. See things accurately, see things clearly. Feelings will fade and flit away when not reinforced. Mental assertiveness; sword and shield. Arm yourself, this is a difficult and painful part of the path.
Focus elsewhere - focus on you and D3.
DnJ
Re: What Will be Next? - 12/03/19 01:25 PM
DnJ is right in what he says.
Reaching out is for you not him. He knows the score, you told him. I said up thread to dig deeper.
This is what I meant. Now, after he’s told you he wants to come home, you leave it. You get on with life and focus on your D.
I know it’s very difficult not to reach out again but.........he knows you love him. He knows where you are.
Believe me, if you reach out again and he doesn’t respond, the more angry you will be. If R is to happen you need to keep the anger and disappointment list as short as you can.
Because they don’t miraculously go away if and when he comes home.
Dig deep, you’re doing great.
Reaching out is for you not him. He knows the score, you told him. I said up thread to dig deeper.
This is what I meant. Now, after he’s told you he wants to come home, you leave it. You get on with life and focus on your D.
I know it’s very difficult not to reach out again but.........he knows you love him. He knows where you are.
Believe me, if you reach out again and he doesn’t respond, the more angry you will be. If R is to happen you need to keep the anger and disappointment list as short as you can.
Because they don’t miraculously go away if and when he comes home.
Dig deep, you’re doing great.
Re: What Will be Next? - 12/03/19 02:15 PM
I agree w/DnJ and Westo. Your h knows how you feel and he knows that you would welcome home. So, w/that being said, leave him to his stewing. The more you attempt to reach out, the more it appears are pressure for him to make that decision to come home and come home now. He needs a lot of time and space to figure out what he wants and how to go about it. You have to remember, you didn't break him, therefore you can't fix him. He has to do this on his own.
If he reaches out, be a friend and keep your expectations at zero because he's going to be flip flopping about what he wants for quite some time. Dig deeper for patience and know that the time and space that you give him will help him in the long run.
I do hope that you are feeling better today. Keep the focus on your and your little one.
If he reaches out, be a friend and keep your expectations at zero because he's going to be flip flopping about what he wants for quite some time. Dig deeper for patience and know that the time and space that you give him will help him in the long run.
I do hope that you are feeling better today. Keep the focus on your and your little one.
Re: What Will be Next? - 12/04/19 06:56 AM
Originally Posted by DnJ
Good Morning Can
I’m glad Thanksgiving went well. And sorry about the illness that made the runs rounds. Lol.
Nope. He heard it.
He needs space and no pressure.
I understand and empathize with the tug of war, and that sort of guilty feeling. It is hard not to reach out.
Do you “think” he needs you to reach out, or is reaching out more for you?
From my experience it is the latter. You are starting to let go, fighting your addiction to H and the relationship, and detaching. This is a battle of your will. You are in a fight with your very mind and the desire for the chemicals that once flowed so freely before all this.
You are not with out weapons in this fight. Logic and reason are your biggest allies and strengthens during this time. See things accurately, see things clearly. Feelings will fade and flit away when not reinforced. Mental assertiveness; sword and shield. Arm yourself, this is a difficult and painful part of the path.
Focus elsewhere - focus on you and D3.
DnJ
I’m glad Thanksgiving went well. And sorry about the illness that made the runs rounds. Lol.
Originally Posted by CanBird
I have a lot of tug of wars going on within myself. I'm trying my hardest to detach, but I worry so much. It doesn't do any good. Guess I'm struggling with wanting to reach out and see if he's okay, letting him know I still am here. Maybe he needs to hear it again.
My focus needs to be else where. He's going to do whatever. So hard to not reach out. Almost a guilty feeling.
My focus needs to be else where. He's going to do whatever. So hard to not reach out. Almost a guilty feeling.
Originally Posted by Canbird
Maybe he needs to hear it again.
Nope. He heard it.
He needs space and no pressure.
I understand and empathize with the tug of war, and that sort of guilty feeling. It is hard not to reach out.
Do you “think” he needs you to reach out, or is reaching out more for you?
From my experience it is the latter. You are starting to let go, fighting your addiction to H and the relationship, and detaching. This is a battle of your will. You are in a fight with your very mind and the desire for the chemicals that once flowed so freely before all this.
You are not with out weapons in this fight. Logic and reason are your biggest allies and strengthens during this time. See things accurately, see things clearly. Feelings will fade and flit away when not reinforced. Mental assertiveness; sword and shield. Arm yourself, this is a difficult and painful part of the path.
Focus elsewhere - focus on you and D3.
DnJ
Thank you DnJ. You're right. H knows how I feel and that he's welcome home. I guess I'm wanting to reassure him of that. Maybe he feels guilty for missing Thanksgiving? I don't blame him for skipping that! Way too much stimulation at once. Too soon! Any way, he's a big boy, lost at the moment. I need to breathe deeper to clear my head to get ahead.
Your feedback is always wise & greatly appreciated.
Re: What Will be Next? - 12/04/19 07:03 AM
Originally Posted by Westo
DnJ is right in what he says.
Reaching out is for you not him. He knows the score, you told him. I said up thread to dig deeper.
This is what I meant. Now, after he’s told you he wants to come home, you leave it. You get on with life and focus on your D.
I know it’s very difficult not to reach out again but.........he knows you love him. He knows where you are.
Believe me, if you reach out again and he doesn’t respond, the more angry you will be. If R is to happen you need to keep the anger and disappointment list as short as you can.
Because they don’t miraculously go away if and when he comes home.
Dig deep, you’re doing great.
Reaching out is for you not him. He knows the score, you told him. I said up thread to dig deeper.
This is what I meant. Now, after he’s told you he wants to come home, you leave it. You get on with life and focus on your D.
I know it’s very difficult not to reach out again but.........he knows you love him. He knows where you are.
Believe me, if you reach out again and he doesn’t respond, the more angry you will be. If R is to happen you need to keep the anger and disappointment list as short as you can.
Because they don’t miraculously go away if and when he comes home.
Dig deep, you’re doing great.
Thanks Westo. After reading your post, I felt like I was a fighter in a ring and you're coaching me to keep going! Feeling stronger! Cue the Rocky theme
Re: What Will be Next? - 12/04/19 07:15 AM
Originally Posted by job
I agree w/DnJ and Westo. Your h knows how you feel and he knows that you would welcome home. So, w/that being said, leave him to his stewing. The more you attempt to reach out, the more it appears are pressure for him to make that decision to come home and come home now. He needs a lot of time and space to figure out what he wants and how to go about it. You have to remember, you didn't break him, therefore you can't fix him. He has to do this on his own.
If he reaches out, be a friend and keep your expectations at zero because he's going to be flip flopping about what he wants for quite some time. Dig deeper for patience and know that the time and space that you give him will help him in the long run.
I do hope that you are feeling better today. Keep the focus on your and your little one.
If he reaches out, be a friend and keep your expectations at zero because he's going to be flip flopping about what he wants for quite some time. Dig deeper for patience and know that the time and space that you give him will help him in the long run.
I do hope that you are feeling better today. Keep the focus on your and your little one.
Thank you Job. I feel like I'm on the mend. D3 told me today, "keep hydrated!" The focus right now should be me getting better. Me & D3 doing our thing. H should take his time, I'm all for it. What you said, about the more you reach out, the more pressure he may feel...I understood, and hearing it from someone else really made me think. STOP and think. Although I may think reaching to reassure him he can come home, it can seem like pressure.
Thank you for the eye opener.
And To Our Friends I Say...? - 12/04/19 07:37 AM
Journaling~ Now that H family (on both sides) are kind of in the know, that leaves friends.
I made the mistake of telling a few of my friends H might be home. Now what? What can I say to our friends? Neighbors? Hs taking sometime to himself? That sounds about right and it's the truth.
Where is H? "He's taking sometime for himself. It's been a stressful season". And change the subject. Any further questions I will plead I swore to keep the details hush hush...feels like he's a secret agent or something..lol. (I'd say the same thing to my family to. And I will need ask my dad postpone his annual trip this year. H & I need the time to work on things. I can't deal with my dad & this at the same time)
Any thoughts?
I made the mistake of telling a few of my friends H might be home. Now what? What can I say to our friends? Neighbors? Hs taking sometime to himself? That sounds about right and it's the truth.
Where is H? "He's taking sometime for himself. It's been a stressful season". And change the subject. Any further questions I will plead I swore to keep the details hush hush...feels like he's a secret agent or something..lol. (I'd say the same thing to my family to. And I will need ask my dad postpone his annual trip this year. H & I need the time to work on things. I can't deal with my dad & this at the same time)
Any thoughts?
Re: And To Our Friends I Say...? - 12/04/19 03:06 PM
I would consider being honest
simple--H and I are taking a season apart to thing about things
and stop it there...no need to discuss anything further
I remember feeling so much shame around my XH leaving and it took a while to work through
hang in there-
simple--H and I are taking a season apart to thing about things
and stop it there...no need to discuss anything further
I remember feeling so much shame around my XH leaving and it took a while to work through
hang in there-
Breathe In ... Breathe. Out... - 12/05/19 07:16 PM
Journal / Vent/ thinking/~ Finally feeling better. Things have mostly run their course (pun intended). I dropped more than 5lbs. I think it was partially stress related. I'm still on a strict easy food regiment as not to have a replay.
D3 is well. Back to our routine here. I'm nervous about facing friends. I thought H would be home. He decided to to take time sometime for himself. WE didn't decide: he did it, and I'm okay with it. Guess that's kind of a we..lol.. I'm a pretty private person, H is too. No wonder we're here. It was going to happen regardless right? ANY WAY.... so, back to what to say..
Breathe in .... Breathe out..... I'll figure it out. Sticking to the truth, what I wish to share is the way to go.
Not sure I want to say WE are taking a break. That statement doesn't sit right with me. H decided that.
Facts: Hs season went longer than expected
- he didn't connect with us over Thanksgiving
-D3 and I had a nice visit with in-laws/family
-we we're sick
-looking ahead to doing fun holiday stuff with D3
What is H Doing? My possible replies if probed:
-He's taking sometime for himself. We've talked. It's fine.
Where is he? "Wherever he wants to be". He's deciding. His journey.
That's my story. I'm sticking to it!
D3 is well. Back to our routine here. I'm nervous about facing friends. I thought H would be home. He decided to to take time sometime for himself. WE didn't decide: he did it, and I'm okay with it. Guess that's kind of a we..lol.. I'm a pretty private person, H is too. No wonder we're here. It was going to happen regardless right? ANY WAY.... so, back to what to say..
Breathe in .... Breathe out..... I'll figure it out. Sticking to the truth, what I wish to share is the way to go.
Not sure I want to say WE are taking a break. That statement doesn't sit right with me. H decided that.
Facts: Hs season went longer than expected
- he didn't connect with us over Thanksgiving
-D3 and I had a nice visit with in-laws/family
-we we're sick
-looking ahead to doing fun holiday stuff with D3
What is H Doing? My possible replies if probed:
-He's taking sometime for himself. We've talked. It's fine.
Where is he? "Wherever he wants to be". He's deciding. His journey.
That's my story. I'm sticking to it!
Re: Breathe In ... Breathe. Out... - 12/05/19 07:44 PM
Can
It seems good
Once you come to terms with it within yourself ..grieve a bit more--
the others knowing or not knowing wont matter anymore
these days anything goes in M..and MOST of the kids friends parents are either D or have issues
so the kids understand this-
I always said good things about XH
Hes not happy in the M
He needs some time to work on himself
We grew apart..No hard feelings,,
I wish him the best
Whatever seems right and true and what feels best to say-
Only my therapist and closest friends and mother really knew the pain I was in-
It seems good
Once you come to terms with it within yourself ..grieve a bit more--
the others knowing or not knowing wont matter anymore
these days anything goes in M..and MOST of the kids friends parents are either D or have issues
so the kids understand this-
I always said good things about XH
Hes not happy in the M
He needs some time to work on himself
We grew apart..No hard feelings,,
I wish him the best
Whatever seems right and true and what feels best to say-
Only my therapist and closest friends and mother really knew the pain I was in-
Re: Breathe In ... Breathe. Out... - 12/05/19 09:58 PM
Or you could say "He told me he's taking some time for himself". That way YOU are not implicated in the lie - you're just telling them what he told you, you're not validating the truth of it.
Re: Breathe In ... Breathe. Out... - 12/05/19 11:02 PM
I think that kml's suggested comment is excellent. It is short and sweet and once you have said it, you do not need to go into a lengthy explanation of why he needs the time for himself or covering for him.
New Thread:
Standing to Save my Marriage Alone pt 4
New Thread:
Standing to Save my Marriage Alone pt 4