Hello bpd
The emotional rollercoaster is a rough ride. Christmas was tough and then New Years is somewhat better. Up and down.
The other thing is that my wife is trying to reconnect and has even suggested going on a date - Movie / Dinner.
Go on a date.
MLCers emotions change pretty quickly so I’d take her up on the offer. A person in crisis is like a teenager in a lot of respects. I’ll share a story, it might help.
A few days ago, D17 came out to the living room with a brand new board game she had bought for a Christmas present. I think it was for someone, probably me, to give to her; but she forgot about it and found it while cleaning her room. Anyhow, there she stood, game in the box all wrapped in plastic, and not yet opened.
I was settling in, about to start watching a movie. The lights were low, and room bathed in the glow from the plasma screen. D17 asked “Do,you want to play a game?” I immediately picked up the remote, said “You bet!”, and shut off the entertainment system. The sudden darkening of the room accenting the affirming response.
We went to the kitchen table, unwrapped the game, read the rules, set it up, and played for almost two hours.
Now a teenage daughter is a funny weird strange loving creature. One day speaking, the next ignoring. You get use to it.
And by the way, boys are not much different; maybe not changing quite as fast. Lol.
Anyhow, she asked and I made time right then and there. Then the next day, she asked again. So another hour or so playing a game. If I had said something like “Oh, I was just about to watch a movie how about tomorrow?” I don’t believe she would have asked the next day nor been as happy as she was.
Your W is a teenager. Her emotions change even faster than a normal teen. When she asks for a date, make the time right then. Of course this is if you want too. However, I know you want to, and you realize this is not some magic fix.
This immediate affirming action promotes similar behaviour from W. Also, going out then (if that is what she was wanting), is the time you know her feelings are that of her wanting to go. So, the chances of her having a good time are even better, than tomorrow or 2 hours from then.
I know she wants to have feelings for me but currently doesn't.
Careful about mind reading.
How do you know what she feels? They change all the time. Those ups and downs of the rollercoaster.
Also your mind is listening to you. And crafting your beliefs.
I am pretty sure at times she appears to have feelings for you, other times she actual does show them, and other times she appears to not have feelings. The “current.y doesn’t” is not accurate. She buries her feelings; they are not gone.
I worry that we go on the date and she most likely will still have numb feelings.
Fear and worry. No need to borrow them from a possible future.
Expectations. If you go on a date expecting her to most likely still have numb feelings, you will behave in a manner, quite unintentional, yet still behave in a manner that self-fulfills that expectation.
No expectation. Go have a good time. Listen, validate, diner, movie. She will most likely have a good time. She did after all suggest it. She may not show it, don’t worry.
I do understand your concern about seeming to cold and distant. You are doing very well following her lead and mirroring how she treats you.
Following along with her date idea is good. It also is not cold and distant, nor pressuring. She is asking. This is a good step.
Keep expectations at zero and enjoy the time together.
Be the safe place for her.
DnJ