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Over 2 years and still so much pain,,,

Posted By: Adios

Over 2 years and still so much pain,,, - 08/04/19 12:18 AM

Previous Thread:

I want to stand, but I think it's hopeless.

I thought I was doing okay. Really. The being Ďnot okayí is back with a vengeance. Iíve done the 180 to perfection (almost) but still his crisis continues and even deepens. He is slowly but surely slipping away. In the beginning he still wanted contact, but not so much anymore.

Same ow,,,the strength of that R is astonishing. Itís a long distance thing. He travels to see her all the time. At least 50% of the time he is with her. When he isnít, he calls her constantly, even when both of them are at work. They spoke for over 90 minutes on Friday morning alone. This isnít that u usual either.

Iíve been patiently waiting for this to fizzle out but all it does is get stronger and stronger. They seem to be the exception, not the rule. How on earth will he ever see the end of MLC when this R is so intense?

I miss my husband terribly and Iím tired of pretending Iím okay when Iím not. Iím tired of pretending to him that Iím over him when all I want to do is tell him how much I love him.

I thought I was moving on successfully. Clearly I am not. The ache in my gut is always there. To lose someone you love to another person has to be the worst.

He had no intention to divorce but now his ow says he needs to end his emotional attachment to me. So now he is looking into a divorce. I think itís really because she wants to marry him.

How do I end this h3ll Im in? Agree to the divorce and just let her have him? I canít take much more of this.

Posted By: Gerda

Re: Over 2 years and still so much pain,,, - 08/04/19 12:29 AM

Adios, hugs to you. You sound very burdened.

You should feel very proud of yourself for standing for two years. It's very hard to do, and you already made it through two years!

A relationship built on lies and the destruction of a family is a house built on sand. A relationship built that way indicates that the OW is a very messed up person. Let her push for marriage. It may be the only way for H to hit rock bottom!

Long distance this whole time? Rest assured, it may require a live-in situation to end it. Long distance is easy.

Your situation is not at all unusual. Not that that changes your pain, but it may comfort you to realize he is following a script. That always helped me.

One thing I am sure of -- there is no way out by through. I don't know why you know so many details of when they talk and for how long, but please stop looking! You have to go dark on that stuff. Don't look. It will only hurt you and will not change it. Let him float away, he can only come back when he is through with the floating. You can live your own life as if he is not coming back, and keep your love for him in a box that you are willing to take out if he asks you to.

You might get some comfort by looking at Rejoice Ministries.

Adios, detaching is very hard. But it doesn't mean you don't love him anymore. It just means you look for joy between the sorrows and let him go. Let the universe work on him, let his adultery play itself out. You can always take him back if you want to take him back when he is done baking. But you can't do anything to speed up the process. You are a woman of great value, never forget it! Figure out your life's path is, whether or not he is there to walk it with you.
Posted By: Adios

Re: Over 2 years and still so much pain,,, - 08/04/19 12:49 AM

Thank you Garda. Your words comfort me.

This R that he is in will not be anything but long distance for a few more years at the very least. He canít relocate where she is and earn any money. She wonít relocate here because she doesnít want to. Why should she? He is out there all the time anyway. The relationship will never fizzle.

I didnít think I was standing. I donít want to stand. But I donít want to let him go either. Someone said somewhere that until we are healed, we donít know if we are truly standing.

I know the details of calls - he uses my cell phone. It hurts to look but nothing changes if I donít look and then I have no idea where I stand with him. The calls tell me itís time to forget him and move on. Tells me the r with her is stronger than it ever has been,,if anything more intense with each passing month. I can also see he called a family lawyer last week. At least I wonít be blindsided (again) when this gains speed. I almost want to file myself. Then itís my decision and not his, or hers. They already got to decide my marriage was over. Why let them decide when Im to be divorced too?
Posted By: peacetoday

Re: Over 2 years and still so much pain,,, - 08/04/19 06:24 PM

((((((Hi Adios)))))

sorry for your pain
i totally get it

My best advice would be to heal you
feel the pain
stop looking at the cell
get some therapy and work toward letting him go

You can stand for as long as you like while letting him truely go

This is the best way to see if there is a chance for reconciliation
Because he can probably still feel your energy focusing on him, he will be more inclined to continue

wish him well and let goooo
now the focus is on you
what goals do you have
what hobbies
what do you enjoy
is there a way to connect with a group, church, cause, temple, meetings in your area that would add to your life
new friendships
volunteer
Posted By: Adios

Re: Over 2 years and still so much pain,,, - 08/06/19 04:29 AM

This is what I know and what I think:

My H is 100% an MLC case - every box ticked.

My blindside was spectacular - not a clue and it was because he encountered the OW and he allowed her in.

I am a master at Ďgetting a lifeí, and so busy with job, side business, church, concerts. travel, hosting dinners, I didnít have to try to do this - I am naturally this busy.

I am master at the 180 - never initiate contact, never talk about the elephant in the room, ie,,marriage, OW, etc. As far as he knows I am completely over him and done. He has no idea how much I hurt - I never show it.

Where has all this got me after 2 years? He is further away than ever. He was more present and clingy when my pain was obvious. Now,,his relationship with OW is deeper than ever. She wants him to get divorced so that is now what he wants too - so she feels secure (so he tells me). He is deeper into this relationship than I ever thought possible and the deeper it gets, the further away from me he gets too.

So I canít help question the advice given to us LBS. it hasnít changed a thing, only made it worse and my H more distant than ever before.

Then I compare that to Westoís story and see that her H is home after 2 1/2 years and he showed interest in coming home well before then. My H after 26 months is further away than ever. Then I wonder if this is even an MLC Iím dealing with. If itís not, then why does he check all the boxes?
Posted By: job

Re: Over 2 years and still so much pain,,, - 08/06/19 11:44 AM

MLC is a very tricky beast because each crisis is unique to that person because of personality, childhood and coping skills.

Your h is most likely in the deep throes of replay and the ow is heavily invested in getting him to do what she wants, i.e., divorce you and spend all of his time, energy, focus and money on her. MLCers do tend to get worse when they are w/the OP, especially is they are being pressured by that person to get a divorce. Also, MLCers will become distant and in some cases disappear from the spouses, former friends and familieis.

In the beginning, about 12-24 months pre bomb drop, he had already begun to distance himself from you. When you were in pain and clingy, he felt guilt and shame for what he was doing to you and he didn't want you to know about the ow. Now, that things have changed and he has eyes only for the ow and you have been fired as his wife. In his eyes, his life has changed and unfortunately, you are not part of his new life. Yes, it hurts to hear this, but this is how they feel at the moment.

The best thing you can do is give him plenty of space and time. Continue as you have been, i.e., living your life to the fullest. One day, he may wake up and realize that he is very close to losing the best part of his past life and that is you. Stay strong and keep the focus on you.
Posted By: Adios

Re: Over 2 years and still so much pain,,, - 08/06/19 01:52 PM

I agree - he is deeper in than ever thanks to the OW. What I wonder is this - should I have NOT done the 180 so thoroughly? I feel it just made it easier for him to jump into his new life with both feet and not much looking back. How would it have been different if I fought for him even just a little bit. All he sees is that I didnt fight for him at all.
Posted By: peacetoday

Re: Over 2 years and still so much pain,,, - 08/06/19 02:12 PM

Hi

I would not blame yourself in any way
This is his affair, his MLC, his inability to be honest with himself-

If it is true MLC as you suggest, It is my belief that nothing you can do will make them shift

If they are in deep love and infactuation with the OW as my XH was...there was literally nothing I could do

no pressure was the only thing that made him feel safe enough to engage in conversation and that helped our separation process..
Any confrontation on my part lead to a blowout

he was unapproachable

they say that pleading, begging, crying letting them know how much you love them does not help

Now, we each have to read as many books as possible, search the web for answers and make our best choice.
What do we have to loose?

Would it help if you tried one last time to talk to him?

I actually think I did mention to my XH at one point aftrer he moved out and I knew he was with OW
That he could come home
He just looked at me and continued to get in his car to go back to her-
It is a very tricky situtation and only a small few will actually return or try to return in time-

Many here would say no relationship talks..the MLCer sees that as pressure

and do we want them to stay out of guilt?
or because they want to do the work
This is your call and we will support you either way..

pray about it and others will come in to give opinions but as always it is our choice-
Posted By: job

Re: Over 2 years and still so much pain,,, - 08/06/19 02:14 PM

I don't think it would have mattered because once they enter MLC, their past life becomes the past and they live in the present fully. If you do have contact w/him, treat him as you would a long lost relative. Listen to what he has to say and do not offer up advice unless he asks for it.

We all have wonder at times about the way we handled things...but once they begin their crisis, things change quite a bit and what we would have done in a normal situation becomes moot because you can't rationalize w/someone who fully charged emotionally.

Focus on today as it is a gift, tomorrow has not revealed itself and the past is gone and we can't change it.

You've give him the best gifts of all: time, space and more time. This is what he needs. You will need to dig deeper for more patience as the MLCer will surely try your patience along the way. When he's ready, he will contact you.
Posted By: SBJ

Re: Over 2 years and still so much pain,,, - 08/07/19 09:01 PM

Adios, I've caught up a bit on your thread...all I can say is to follow the advice that you are hearing on here. The best I ever had was to drop the rope and simply do you.

I've worked on myself in different ways that have nothing to do with my ex.
1. I taught myself how to play guitar and will be accompanying a musician friend of mine on a men's retreat this winter...this has helped me decompress mentally.
2. I've taken up triathlon training to help me decompress physically.
3. I am helping with a divorce ministry at church to assist others that are going thru divorce.
4. I've taken over leading a men's bible study class on a weekly basis.
5. I know this sounds weird, but I know it has helped...I am a dog parent to a 100# Rhodesian Ridgeback. We have always had pets, but you can learn a ton from a dog that has nothing but unconditional love for you. It shows you, in a way, that that type of love might have been lacking from our partners. Not to mention they don't argue with you when you talk to them.

Make new friends. Do new things that you have always wanted to do, but didn't. When the marathon of MLC is over you should be a different person as well...a much better version of the already perfect you.
Posted By: HaWho

Re: Over 2 years and still so much pain,,, - 08/08/19 06:25 AM

Regarding the closeness of his relationship with OW, she is with a married man! That is not something a self respecting woman does. And if he respected her, I think he would want to start the relationship off on a proper foundation - not one where OW is pleading for him to get a divorce.

If we read about the OW and MLC, we learn the OW is a parental figure and heís using her to work through his issues starting from where ever he was emotionally stunted. That is going to take however long it takes. Either he will outgrow her and wake up or he wonít and heíll be stuck cycling through his issues.

Either way it is nothing you can control. And she is not worth a nano second of your time. She is not getting the man he was. She is getting a married man who is broken down and confused. They will use each other.

Continue to focus on you. You are the prize!
Posted By: DejaVu6

Re: Over 2 years and still so much pain,,, - 08/08/19 01:44 PM

(((Adios))) Itís been less than a year for me and my H has bought a house with OW and they are planning a wedding next July. If it hadnít happened to me, I almost wouldnít believe it. I did nothing wrong but love and support him. Were there small things I could have done differently when I felt him slipping away? Yes...but Iím not sure it would have made a difference. My H was conflict-avoidant to the extreme. By the time I knew what was going on, he had already left me in his mind. He knows he treated me like sh!t... he has a lot of guilt and shame... it doesnít matter. He wants what he wants - to hell with anyone else.

The bottom line is that your H is going to do what he wants to do and there is nothing you can do or say to stop it. Telling him you love him may result in him feeling bad for a period of time but it wonít change what he is doing. Two years of long distance, as was already said, is easy. For it to fizzle, they would probably need to live together. If I were you, I would not count on that to happen or wait around. Even if it did fizzle, it wouldnít necessarily result in him returning to you...he could just as easily move on to OW2.

Drop the rope. Let yourself heal. Move forward and stop focusing on what he is doing. And for heavenís sake, get your cell phone back. Heís a grown man. He can get his own cell phone. Why should you be paying for his contact with OW? He might be upset about it but he will also respect you for it. (((HUGS)))
Posted By: Adios

Re: Over 2 years and still so much pain,,, - 08/12/19 04:38 PM

I appreciate all the comments - thank you.

The last few days I have been organizing the house to get it up for sale. I'm heartbroken. I hung onto it for this long hoping for ,,,I don't know.... a sign that said I should hang on more. I didn't get one. Not a strong enough one at least.

It is stupid to continue paying the cost to live here. I need to secure my financial future without having to rely on his contribution, or my part time job, or having a boarder. If any one of those things changes, then it becomes a financial struggle.

At first, my h was hesitant, and assumed I wasn't ready (or was that projection?). I could have stopped the plans right there if I said I wasn't ready and we would have continued for another 6 or so months before it came up again. But what is the point? So he gets to say when it's time? Him and his OW? Because it suits him/her? I am glad I am going forward - because this is what I decided for my life,,, not them.

I can't help wonder if this will finally end everything. Once we no longer own property together, and no reason to maintain contact,,,, is this where it all ends? Is this where it should all end?

My thoughts are to go very very dark after this is all done. Not NC, but very dark. Seeing him as long as OW is still in the picture at all,,, bothers me too much.

I can't help but be terribly sad while doing these final things to end our marriage. So this is it. How is that right? Some loose morals woman just sails off with my h who once adored and cherised me. I get a shattered life. They get each other.

How does it happen that an instant love at first sight attraction can turn into the real deal? Or real enough that it survives busting up a marriage and then survives for many years after? Especially when the marriage that was destroyed was a decent one?
Posted By: Pax_luv

Re: Over 2 years and still so much pain,,, - 08/12/19 05:03 PM

Adios, you have my empathy and sympathy. Iím sorry you are going through this. You will make yourself bonkers trying to understand and rationalize how this is all happening. It defies all logic. ALL logic. Iím 5 years in and I still havenít seen the ex wobble. Granted, Iím not looking. But it seems incomprehensible to just blow up someoneís life and both of your futures and walk away unscathed. To bear witness to his ďsolidĒ!relationship with her, is just awful.

I always hated hearing that this experience is/was a gift, but if you do the work (painful and tedious work)... one day, you will wake up with the genuine appreciation for this gift. Sounds insane... but itís true.

In the meantime, keep trucking along. You seem like you are being sensible with the house and your actions.

Good plan on going very very dark. Itís for you and your peace of mind.
Posted By: Adios

Re: Over 2 years and still so much pain,,, - 08/13/19 11:33 PM

What do I do with my anger? Iím not even sure who to be angry with.

When MLC hit I followed the DB tactics. No pressure, no R talks, no friendship, give them space and time. Etc.

At first he was a boomerang- clingy one too. Then he was just a boomerang. Now, 2 years later he is barely in my life at all. When I do see or talk to him he is so indifferent, so uninterested. He could care less if we are friends. This one hurts actually because he really wanted to be friends for ages after bd but I flat out refused because of his OW and the advice I followed. Now, he and OW are tighter than ever and Iím just ,,, no one important to him.

I will always wonder if the advice to not be friends is good advice or not. It seemed so at the time but look at where I am now.

Once the house is gone and our legal connections severed, there will be nothing at all. So hard to accept this reality.
Posted By: Adios

Re: Over 2 years and still so much pain,,, - 08/14/19 12:13 AM

Is it normal after 2 years to still have anxiety knots in my stomach? They were gone for quite awhile but now they are back. They returned as soon as OW told him she needs him to get a divorce to feel secure. Now he will do whatever makes her happy. Just sick to my stomach most of the time.
Posted By: Gerda

Re: Over 2 years and still so much pain,,, - 08/14/19 03:43 AM

It is normal, every time you get a new BD especially.

What kind of woman would want to marry a man if she had to FORCE him to divorce his W first? Do you really think that's a strong foundation? Let them go. It will crash and burn. It hurts for sure. But what they have is not real. Let it consume itself.
Posted By: Adios

Re: Over 2 years and still so much pain,,, - 08/14/19 03:42 PM

Originally Posted by Gerda
What kind of woman would want to marry a man if she had to FORCE him to divorce his W first? Do you really think that's a strong foundation?.


She (and he) have convinced themselves that his marriage to me was a disastrous mistake. Their relationship feels so Ďrightí and justifies anything they have to do to stay together. Divorcing me is finally going to free him from his Ďmistakeí.

Will it crash and burn? I wonder. Going into 3rd year with as much passion and intensity as day 1. Itís a long distance r too so it will likely go on forever.

I am trying to let it all go and just walk away,,,for good. I am just struck by how incredible it is that behaviour like theirs gets rewarded. Destroy a marriage, shatter a life in the process, and live happily ever after. Even if itís not forever (like my marriage) itís going to be a very long time given their current passion level.
Posted By: Pax_luv

Re: Over 2 years and still so much pain,,, - 08/14/19 03:58 PM

Ohhhhh! That makes sense. The fact that it is a long distance relationship tells a lot. While you think itís so passionate.... I actually see a facade. The foundation for a solid relationship isnt there. They 100% are living in fantasy land because they do not have to deal with real life- every day mundane stuff. Sure it seems hot and heavy, but thatís because reality hasnít set in. I donít give it much merit.

Sure LDRs can succeed, but not when itís built on a foundation of cheating and lies.
Posted By: peacetoday

Re: Over 2 years and still so much pain,,, - 08/14/19 09:02 PM

A

Im sorry for your pain-
we have all been there and then looked back to wonder if we did the right thing

Mlcer is a tough thing and depending on each individual situation
I know I tried several ways to approach H

We were friends,
I listened,
I ignored the fact he may have an OW
I was nice,
I confronted,
I didnt talk R,
I also tried to bring it up
Nothing worked in my situation
I was accepting and pretended toward him
I was angry and authentic toward him
I tried to flirt with him,
I acted mysterious..
I even got a real Boyfriend toward the end after the D

He still M the OW
I think each situation is unique with a lot of the same components
A coach once told me to do what keep him closer
and some of it brought him closer
but he never came home-
then I finally decided to let go....
life is short

Today i have a fabulous relationship with my BF
hang in
Posted By: Adios

Re: Over 2 years and still so much pain,,, - 08/17/19 01:16 PM

I feel gut punched,,,again.

I have been clearing out ďstuffĒ that we accumulated over 20 odd years. From the basement and garage. Throwing out some, setting aside others for a yard sale, and keeping some,

It has been a heartbreaking task - dismantling our lives. Iíve done it alone. No help from him - none. Heís too busy enjoying the summer and visiting OW.

He swore he wasnít going anywhere for the entire month of August so he could help clear out stuff and get the house ready for sale. That was a lie. Heís visiting her now for another week or more. He doesnít know I know. . I have taken days off from work to get this done and the house up for sale for Labor Day. Heís taken days off from work to visit her.

The last time I saw him last week, he dropped something off and before he left I suggested he have a look at the items I set aside for the yard sale in case there is something there he doesnít want sold. His reply? ďYeah,,,I donít careĒ and then he left without a glance. He was in a hurry to get ready for his OW visit.

This is how little our life meant to him. ďI donít careĒ. My reaction? I want nothing to do with him. I want him out of my life entirely. I regret that there is still business to deal with before I can do that.

How heartless and insensitive can these jerks get?

Posted By: job

Re: Over 2 years and still so much pain,,, - 08/17/19 02:56 PM

Adios,

When they are in the throes of MLC/depression, they do not care about "stuff". They are running from their past and yes, unfortunately, we are now part of that past. They are looking for something that will soothe the emotional pain that they are feeling.

Yes, they will say that they will do such and such and then do not follow through. Typical MLC behavior. Sometimes they forget, something else comes up that is more fun and interesting or they just don't want to face the task. Whatever the reason, you need to keep your expectations at zero at all times. If you don't, you will set yourself up for anger, disappointment, frustration and just plain disgust.

Right now, he doesn't care about the "stuff". But I can promise you this....at some point, when he has a few moments of clarity, he will ask for things that he told you he didn't care about. Don't worry about it...you asked and now you can determine what to keep and what not to keep. Do what you need to do to get the house ready for sale. Do not wait on him to assist you in any way.

Keep the focus on you and what you need to move forward.
Posted By: Adios

Re: Over 2 years and still so much pain,,, - 08/19/19 04:55 PM

Thanks for the comments - they are helpful!

The biggest thing I struggle with is WHY,,, the OW is necessary for so many of our spouses.

I have heard the AP's are often inferior in character and often have disordered personalities.

My H describes his OW to people as 'beautiful' and is always asking people what they think of her. My adult children tell me she looks old and mousey,,, not beautiful. Beer mug (nose always curled up like she is smelling something rotten). Weird mannerisms. Selfish person who doesn't treat people all that well.

What is going on in our spouses head that they see these people as 'beautiful' and think everyone else does too when no one else sees anything beautiful?

I really hope one day he has a revelation and sees her as she is - not beautiful,,, inside or out.... but just nasty.

I just don't get it - why they go for these low life women when one day they will be appalled at their choices to toss everything for them.

Then,,, why,,,, can I not let this part of it go? I've read the advise to focus on me and let him and they be, over and over again. Hearing about the advice, believing the advice has value, is not all there is to it. How do I actually put the advice into practice? I am fixated on the 'why her' part of his crisis. How do I stop? !!
Posted By: job

Re: Over 2 years and still so much pain,,, - 08/19/19 07:59 PM

A large majority of the people that our spouse hook up w/are beneath their normal standards. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, or so they say. To our spouses, these people do not know their history and are willing to believe anything that they are told. Our spouses want fun, freedom and the ability to come and go as they so please. They are reliving their youth and yes, telling these people all of their thoughts and feelings. The OP is there listening and validating everything they say and they actually believe what our spouses tell them. The OP is nothing more than a band aid and hopefully at some point, the OP will tip their hand and our spouses will see all of the warts and imperfections...but it takes lots and lots of time for this to happen.

We all become fixated on the OP because we are trying to figure out what they had that we didn't. They are nothing. We had and spent the best years of our lives w/our spouses. These OP get the used up part. Trust me, many of them can spot a MLCer a mile away and figure that they will enjoy the ride of the MLCer's spending and having a good time until the money has run out.

Right now, you are very new to the crisis and it's going to take time to settle down and come to realize that you are the prize and your spouse is the fool in all of this because he sees something that no one else sees. Every time you think about that ow, find something else to do. She can't compare to you.
Posted By: peacetoday

Re: Over 2 years and still so much pain,,, - 08/19/19 09:28 PM

We are fixated because we have to work through it
it hurts but we travel down the path through denial, anger, bargaining, depression into acceptance
its hard work

Recognize that dealing with the oW is difficult..it really is /was for all of us
They pick affair partners with issues...they all seem to
who else would go with a M man

MY XH picked a 28 year old drug addict, she was not attractive, when I saw a picture of her rather repulsive
he M her --they left the area together-he gave up everything for this fantasy life
a business, home and his blood family and kids
he was a normal guy sober,hard worker and dedicated dad until age 40

His last message to me maybe 2 years back was he messed up and He wanted this old friend to call him/help him--and that happened -I arranged the friend to call

he then told this old family friend that he needed out of his current M and was terribly unhappy...he was also drinking and the friend let him go--he was too difficult to try to help-
I also heard they divorced and Im not sure if they got back together-
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