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Posted By: exquisitetobe My 5th teenager. - 05/08/19 11:17 PM
My 16 year old is experimenting with drugs.

Yesterday, while setting boundaries, she yell : " i just want to commit suicide because you make me feel like sh*t".
I immediatly responded: " how? By caring about you? By making sure you keep your grades up? By giving you a job? , by giving braces so you feel good about yourself?"

" i do not put the booze in your hand nor the drugs. You distanced yourself from all of us. You want us to look bad so you are justified for the crap you do but WE ARE NOT BAD PEOPLE. WE ARE YOUR FAMILY. WE LOVE AND SUPPORT YOU. WE WANT NOTHING BUT THE BEST FOR YOU."

She locked herself in her room and i was numb from anxiety all night. D18, S20 and his gf were home last night.i am thankful for that.

This has brought back bomb day. It hurts like h@ll and i do not know how to handle this.
I tried when S20 was experimenting and this is when he moved in with his dad. He returned shortly after. I don' t want the same outcome.

Can anyone share their experience with me please?
Posted By: kml Re: My 5th teenager. - 05/08/19 11:38 PM
Quote
Don't ignore a threat of suicide. She needs to speak with a therapist. She may need treatment for depression.


What kind of experimenting is she doing? Are we talking smoking some pot, or taking opioids or meth? While I wouldn't be thrilled about my 16 year old smoking some pot I wouldn't consider it quite as serious as alcohol. Hard drugs or really excessive alcohol are completely different matters.

I'd also say, difficult as it is, try listening to her. Don't get defensive :

Quote
I immediately responded: " how? By caring about you? By making sure you keep your grades up? By giving you a job? , by giving braces so you feel good about yourself?"


But ask her honestly "how is it you think I am making you feel like [censored]?"

It may just be that she's depressed, like a MLCer, and looking for someone to blame. But it might also be true that she feels like she can't live up to your expectations, or feels like she doesn't get enough of your attention, or it may be something else you hadn't even thought of. Try asking her that question and just quietly sitting with her answer.

Posted By: exquisitetobe Re: My 5th teenager. - 05/08/19 11:46 PM
It' s weed.
I feel it need to be taken seriously before it escalate to other things
Her bf' s cousin is apparently a big drug dealer in town. ( i was told by D18 ).
Posted By: AndrewP Re: My 5th teenager. - 05/09/19 03:30 PM
exquisitetobe - I never went through the "I hate everything" situation with either of my kids so don't have much to offer. I think that you are right to be concerned. Even though others will disagree, I do personally think that pot and alcohol can be gateways to other, more harmful behaviours.

I personally think that youth in more isolated areas like where you live are more at risk than those who have more access to a wider range of experiences.

Does she have - other than the obvious Mom - other positive influences and activities in her life? 16 is a tough tough age. ((exquisitetobe))
Posted By: exquisitetobe Re: My 5th teenager. - 05/10/19 01:28 AM
She works 2 evening on 5 and 2 week-ends out of 3.
She is a good employee. Her grades are average and above.
Her bedroom is shameful and her friends are all drama of who has it worst.
She has a group of friends who constantly fight with one another.
She has been dating a high school drop-out for a year now. Through that year, he has not done anything to show maturity. He used to spend ALL of his time at my house. Not contributing to anything. Living off of me.Bumming cigarettes etc. My other 3 children do not like him at all and quite frankly, neitter do i.

D16 has a curfew of 10h30 pm. She obeys by this rule yet she finds the time to drink and smoke up. It is not an everyday thing but often enough for me to stand up and set boundaries before the school year end.

In regard of her bf. I have been thinking lately that if this guy means sooo much to her and we keep reprimanding him, we will loose her to him therefor, i got him a part-time job at the store last wefk.
To thank me and to celebrate, they drank and smoked up after his first day. Do i regret my decision? I thonk i made a huge mistake and now i lean towards making my move this summer.

I discussed it with my SIL and she thinks i am only fleaing and D16 would find the same kind of friends. She is in the age of experiment. I need to stay firm, alert and patience.

D16 said she knows and understand the why and tells me she will behave everytime she leaves the house. But she does not.

D18 told ex-h about the situation we have. He said if i want, he is willing to go see bf' s parents and tell them " HOW IT WILL BE ". He mentioned telling D16 she will be moving in with him if she does not smarten up. He knows she will not want that. He said he could send opp at their doors..

All of this is intimidation and use of power. D16 might turn against us all..

I will keep my eyes on her. A month and a half before school ends. I might ask D22 if she would be willing to take her in for a week. Until then, D18 is here. (She has alot of the inside scoop through mutual friends on what is going on). Most of it is friends and bf related.
Posted By: DnJ Re: My 5th teenager. - 05/10/19 01:52 AM
Hello E

That exchange with D16 sounded stressful. Teenager do get darn disrespectful at times as they rebel against their authority figures. As much as that hurts, it is a good and healthy release for them. It is how they grow. We just need to keep them more or less out of harms way and trust they have good instincts.

You said D16 is experimenting with drugs (weed from a follow up post). So not using habitually or heavily - just experimenting. Pretty standard stuff this day in age, unfortunately.

D16’s comment about suicide and you making her feel like sh*t, came during a “setting boundaries” talk. A boundary discussion is not expected to, and isn’t going to, go over well with a teenage daughter (or son for that matter). Her blowing up at you sounds normal. Well more or less. I am guessing a bit on the boundary talk. Boundaries are usually more serious, so talks about that might get some emotions stirred up, and things yelled in the heat of the moment.

E, don’t sweat the small stuff. Let me explain and share a little story.

My son came home one weekend and shared with me how he had experimented with weed. I was immediately p!ssed at that. Seriously, after all I’ve done you go and do something stupid like that. That was my first feeling towards what he brought up.

However, I held my emotions in check, and kept my mouth shut. I knew I would get emotional highjacked otherwise and that would not be good. I got in my “intellectual car” and kept the emotions out of this conversation.

Holding back my irrational feelings took around 10 minutes - and they do fleet away - if you let them.

Looking and discussing this topic in a rational and reasoned (intellectual car) manner yielded pretty cool results.

I let him tell me all he wanted. I actively listened, participated in the conversation, and asked many questions. It was a very good talk. Realize - he trusted me enough to talk to me about it. To share what he had done. That is a pretty big deal!

Your D16 just did the same thing. Her yelling at you, she is sharing very big feelings and emotions from inside herself. Listen to her. Actively.

I questioned son about where he got the weed. He bought it off some guy on the street. (Yikes!) I offered a suggestion of buying weed from an authorized and official dispensary. You know what your getting, and you are not in the company of a criminal drug pusher who may be rather desperate. You see weed has been decriminalized here in Canada, for personal use. There are many limitations and restrictions on usage and amounts. The selling and buying is supposed to be from a proper store.

Now, that was pure intellectual car right there. An emotional car response would have been much different, and ended with much different results.

As difficult as this is: Your D16, my D16, S18, S20, and S22 are going to do what they are going to do. I believe you are like me and would rather they do it safely and in the open - not some dark alley. Don’t force them into hiding.

I do not particularly like drug use. However, I will submit that my prejudice is from 50 years of it being illegal. So, I can, and I do, see that proper usage is akin to drinking. Now over use and overdose is much easier to fall victim too than with alcohol - one tends to throw up rather quickly if over doing it. Well at least the beginners, and that is a big difference in drugs vs booze. Something to discuss with teenage daughter and sons.

My son share his entire experience with me. All the crazy high he had. It was very funny and very harmless. Apparently at one point he could actually see sounds, each producing a different colour. Me listening, not jumping him, not judging, being supportive and paying attention alleviated some of my misunderstood fears and brought son and I closer together. Besides it already happened, not much to be gained in me freaking out now.

He openly needed to share this. He said is was crazy. The experience was wild. I agreed telling him it sounded pretty wild. He asked me, and I told him about my drug experiences as well.

This defused his forbidden fruit desire towards this. Not that forbidden was the primary motive with this. When asked, he told me he was just curious what weed was like, and he wanted to try it.

Now, D16 is well 16. Not an adult. Her and I have had discussions as well about drinking and drugs. The main point being, be safe and call for a ride. Do not drive home, I absolutely promised her (all the kids when they turned 16) I would not ever be mad about them calling for a ride - no matter the reason or time. I’ve always kept my word, and we would talk about it the next day.

D16, your’s and mine, in less than two short years will be adults. They are already becoming young women, and growing up, probably faster than either of us wants, or at times, realizes.

E, don’t sweat the small stuff.

There is much worst out there than a little unwanted weed experimenting. Let your feelings flit away a little. Look at this with just intellect, sans emotion.

D16 knows you care, it’s the reason she is venting at you. Have open honest discussions, those difficult conversations, most feelings and fears will just go up in smoke. smile

My son and I talked, laughed, shared, for an hour or so. He was very comfortable, and I asked a lot of questions. He answered them, never realizing just how different thing could have went if I just blew up at the start. He heard my questions and concerns. At the end of all this, son told me he doesn’t see himself smoking weed too often. It was interesting, just not his thing. He’s sticking with rum.

I understand how painful the hurting is - “like h@ll” is very apt. I can see the anxiety, concern, and fear from the past events regarding S20 and his moving in with Dad. Do not let the fear rule you or this situation. Look at things rationally, intellectually. Uncouple that emotional response from the possible future event. It is difficult, and completely within your power to accomplish.

E, I truly hope this helps.

(((exquisitetobe)))

DnJ
Posted By: DnJ Re: My 5th teenager. - 05/10/19 02:17 AM
I did not see the latest post, I was typing when it was posted.

Thank you for filling in the boundary topics.

And yes, 16 year old daughters and their drama-filled friends, and messy rooms. Stressful.

I do agree going against the high school drop-out boyfriend will probably push her towards him.

Aside from boundaries, which teens will bounce off and get angry towards, you have the path of inspire, lead by example, and reason. Daunting when attempting to connect with an emotional teenager’s mind and heart. She does hear you - I hope you know that. I hope you believe that.

D16 is growing up. Be her role model. She is watching, even though she doesn’t show it, or acknowledges it, she is absorbing it.

DnJ
Posted By: Gerda Re: My 5th teenager. - 05/10/19 08:47 PM
My son has been talking about his longing to use drugs since last year, when he was just past twelve. This is what I have experienced and learned -

I have made many mistakes and gotten into screaming matches, tried punishment, tried taking things away, etc. None of that works when you have a kid who doesn't care what you think anymore. All you can do is love them.

My S is terrible to me during the day, rages, skips school, even shoplifted, etc., last year. At night he often lets his guard down and comes to me to talk.

But I work with troubled teens and know the beginning, middle, end of that road when teens stop trusting parents. I experienced my own mom's MLC as a teen. I have spent twenty years reading the journals and other personal writing of teens, so I am always able to remember how alone they feel, how misunderstood, how much they are longing to figure out who they are and to be accepted for it.

My S's best friend from last year went down the dark road when his mom went on the offense -- screaming, locking out, police, trying to reason with him. He was dealing, staying out all night, older girlfriends, etc. He was 12/13 years old. Ended up in rehab.

And then I know how I feel when there is another school shooting and I remember that my son is alive and well and I just feel so grateful to have him, however he is now and with all my sorrow and hope for him.

So I try to give my energy to whatever he did that was positive, show my sorrow at his poor choices, but always be there, always forgive him, always be ready to drop all disagreements the moment he was ready to talk. This means that sometimes when he asks to go on a walk at 1 in the morning and I am too tired and grouchy, I have to drop all my own thoughts and exhaustion and get up and go so that I can listen to whatever is on his mind.

I did once stage a police station visit after he shoplifted. I had the officers call him and pretend that he had to come in to speak with them or they might come to the house to take him in. But it was all from them, in his mind, the consequences of the world and not me.

I downloaded a lot of pamphlets from Drug Free America, they are cool looking enough that he was willing to read them. He had so many questions for me about what each drug did, etc., it was very hard to not get upset but I just tried to explain everything I could or show him the pamphlets, without judgement. I did always make it clear that I thought drugs were awful and dangerous and a waste of life but I just try to keep the lines of trust open so he will keep going to me.

I also befriended this homeless drug addict about five years ago, and whenever I see him, I ask him for advice about my S. Or if I am with my S when we see him, we stop and talk for a minute. This guy told me to remember that all I can give my S is love, because he is going to do what he is going to do, and my anger will only drive him toward that path more.

Sorry this is so long. I just felt really sad for both you and your D when you wrote about what you said to her. I have tried that route with students and my own kid many times. It doesn't work. Just listen to her. Just keep listening. Just tell her you love her. Tell her you hate drugs but tell her you love her and you trust her to find her path in her life. No kid will come to us out of obligation to family. They will only come to us because we are a refuge in the storm. It's the hardest thing you'll ever have to do but your love for her is so strong, you will be able to do it!
Posted By: exquisitetobe Re: My 5th teenager. - 05/11/19 01:48 AM
Thank you so much to all of you!
I have read and re-read what you wrote. I have research approach of the subject on line. I went back to when i was her age and how i saw the world and how i behaved. My mother kept a close eye on me but trusted in me to make smart decision. I did drink. I did experimente a few drugs. It was short lived because i knew i did not want that lifestyle as an adult. By the age of 17, i was moving out and beginning to create the life i wanted. The mature life. My mother supported me through it. She encouraged the positives and showed concerns with negatives but it was up to me to decide how it would be. I was mean to her a few times. Something i soon regretted as i understood why she did or said things.

Today, D16 made me proud and i sure told her.
An incident happened in town while i went to pick her up on my lunch hour.
A house was on fire across the street from the school. 2 kids came out of the alley. One of them was screeming arrogantly" they' re gonna f***ken blame it on me. Watch.. they' ll try to pin it on me. I don' t go to school here, i only smoke lots and lots of weeds. That' s why they' ll f***cken blame me".
Of course, all the yelling was for the group of kids who were outside by the school. When i spotted who was screeming like this, i saw D16' s boyfriend with the kid who was yelling.( juvenille who is very well known by the cops and who my kids were forbidden to associate it.)

As D16 came out of the school, she saw her bf and who he was with. Her immediate reaction was to call bf' s mom to go and get him. D16 was surprised and upset.

His mom went to pick him up and she was MAD.

D16 went to her dentist appointm. Then straight to school. After school, we had to go to Timmins to load up S20' s stuff.

D16 was helpful, happy to be around her brother and sister and even asked to do some shopping. Usually, she wants to rush so she can be with bf.

She handled it the right way in my opinion. She stayed away from it. She called the person responsible for him. She showed her desapointment in his choices and she did not try to save him. Instead, she told him :" you are 18. You need to smarten up. You can' t be like this forever.".

Wow.. she hears me. She knows. She will be make it.

She went to meet him at Tim' s a short while ago. She has an hour with him. We' ll see how it went soon.

There is no word on what caused the fire yet. That kid is always portraying the bad a**, no one messes with me kind of kid. He does get into trouble often. Court and house arrest are things he knows well. If he had something to do with this fire, he would have bragged about a pay back. I do not see him responsable for it.

Anyway. D16 made me proud. She showed maturity. She did not want to get tangled in this mess and she handled her bf the right way.
Posted By: exquisitetobe Re: My 5th teenager. - 05/11/19 02:13 AM
It took me a while to write the previous post, D16 just walked in..lol

She gave him the maturity speech. Lol
He felt bad when he saw us out there. He knew we would be upset.
Next, he will have to face me. Should be interesting..
To follow....
Posted By: AndrewP Re: My 5th teenager. - 05/11/19 01:44 PM
What a great thing to read exquisitetobe. As we parents all know the most important thing we can do for our kids is to just "be there" and to model the behaviour we want to see.

My ex-wife used to always joke that she was surprised when she opened her mouth and her mother came out. They are always watching us, especially when we don't know it.
Posted By: DnJ Re: My 5th teenager. - 05/12/19 02:09 PM
Good Morning E

I am glad you recognize the role model and fine example you are to your children. A very good mother indeed.

Happy Mother’s Day.

DnJ
Posted By: exquisitetobe Re: My 5th teenager. - 05/13/19 12:22 AM
smile thank you !! smile
Posted By: roist Re: My 5th teenager. - 05/13/19 08:21 AM
Hi Exquisite,

I don't have any real advice about how best to deal with your daughter. I just dropped by to say that I realise it isn't easy and I can understand how difficult it can be for you. Whereas my boys are pre-teens, I have no direct experience to relate to, I am very aware of how difficult parenting can be, when we want the best for them.

I send you my best wishes and hope you find the best way to navigate this situation. I am sur ethat by being on this site and having dealth with a "teenage" spouce, you have some gained some Tools and insights to help you.
Posted By: DejaVu6 Re: My 5th teenager. - 05/14/19 02:06 PM
Hi ETB. You have gotten some great advice here. I’m a mental health clinician and I work solely with teens. I can tell you that the number one protective factor for any teen is their ability to openly communicate with their parents. Rebellion in teens is a normal developmental stage. Her task currently is to figure out who she is apart from her parents. It is important to keep in mind that she is experimenting but functioning well in all of the important areas in life (part-time job, going to school, etc...). It is important that you recognize those things and she knows that you do. As DnJ said, get into your intellectual car. Ask yourself what you would say to a really good kid you cared about but was not yours.

Stephen Covey wrote a really good book on habits of “effective families” that I recommend to all parents. In it, he talks about what to do when you youth does something you don’t approve of. It is okay to express your disappointment and to talk about your fears but do not turn it into a “crime and punishment” situation. The second you do that, you make yourself the problem and you get in between your teen and her conscience. Do not make yourself the problem. She needs to know you are on her team...even when she does something that you don’t agree with.

Growing up, I had a really good relationship with my parents and the same deal that DnJ talked about...that I could call at any time and they would pick me up without fear of punishment. I didn’t have a “curfew” per say as it was something I negotiated depending on what my plans were. I had friends who had hard and fast rules. They spent the majority of their time trying to get around those rules and making some risky choices. In university, out from under their parents’ thumbs, they made even riskier choices. I didn’t because I didn’t have anything to rebel against. My parents trusted me and their trust was the biggest influence on me when it came to making decisions.

When you feel yourself getting behind the wheel of your emotional car, STOP. Step back from it. Parents do the most damage to their relationship with their kids when they are driving that car. Take some deep breaths, be curious, ask questions, do not accuse or blame, and then STFU and let her talk. You will be very glad that you did. Oh, and if you do lose it and get really upset, there is nothing teenagers appreciate more than hearing their parent admit they overreacted and offer an apology.

Anyway...that’s my two cents. I wish you the best of luck over the next few years. It can be a very trying time but it can also be extremely rewarding if you play your cards right. (((HUGS)))
Posted By: exquisitetobe Re: My 5th teenager. - 05/14/19 10:36 PM
Thank you all!

I know sometimes i pay too much attention to details. I also know when i look at the big picture, and at past experiences, we are doing really good and things could be alot worst.

Lately, i have changed my approach. I am taking it easy with her bf.
It seem to pay off for both D16 and her bf. I know they both have alot of respect for me.
D16 is smilling again and is at ease with us.

Positive encouragement= positive feelings= positive choices
Negative critics= retaliation, disconnection, poor choices at times.

It is normal and temporary. The big picture is bright for her.
Posted By: tadpole1025 Re: My 5th teenager. - 05/15/19 02:25 AM
I've really got nothing to add, but you seem to be a good role model.

Hang in there.

Tad
Posted By: exquisitetobe Re: My 5th teenager. - 06/11/19 09:28 PM
Quick update:

I feel so many things today. Nervous, anxious, neutral, on alert, exausted, worried, pro-active and as a failure. .
I am all over the place.

2 days ago, D16 came home badly messed up on drugs.
We got into a convo and i took her phone away for a week Within 5 min of her going to bed, she was passed out.

Through my phone, i messaged her bf to know what they had taken.
Without his knowledge, he was texting me and D16 ( me again ).
He said weeds.. ( I know it was way more then that ).

We messaged back and forth ALL night.
In the morning, through D18' s phone ( because i have no way of contacting ex-h), i sent him copies of our conversation.
He responded right away to contact OPP and report him .
D16 was already at school and me at work. Suddenly, i got a call from the principal letting me know D16 had just been picked-up by her father and asked if it was ok. ( The principale is an old co-worker of mine back when i worked at the elementary. She knows our history). In a hard beat, i answer: YES!! Oh, thank God!
She said: i did not know if it was ok now and asked your D16 if she wanted to call you but she said she did not have her phone.
I responded: I have her phone!
She clued in that something was going on. I thank her for the call and told her i would be in soon to explain.

Ex-h had a long talk with D16 and brought her to the station.
I will not give details. Investigation is in process.

When he brought her back, i asked if he could take her because i do not know gow to deal with this.
She hates me right now and she will not listen to anything i say. She will try to contact her bf and it will get nowhere but worse. He accepted. I said i would do all the travelling to get her to school for the last 2 weeks and also for work. ( i do her work schedule and can keep my eyes on her while she still has a little bit of normality).

I gave ex-h D16' s phone. He looked at it last night and has more digging to do.
What he found is outrageous. He said he could put her bf in jail for many, many years..

She can NOT HAVE any contact with him. Will charges be laid? It will be up to ex-h and D16.
This is where i feel like a failure. I should have suppervised her phone. I trusted in her and forgot that teens often have a side life parents know supperficially.

There will be much more to this but for now, i have to drive D16 to the meething point.
I' m sad now! frown
T
Posted By: job Re: My 5th teenager. - 06/12/19 01:32 PM
I am so sorry that this is happening to your family, but you have done the right things in getting to the root of the issue. This should be a wake up call for your daughter, but it's going to take a lot of therapy for her to learn this. Do not forget that some people tend to test the boundaries and if you tell them they can't have contact w/someone, they will find ways to do it. It become a challenge and secrets begin. I hope your daughter will not be like this, but you will need to watch her behavior vs what she tells you.

Thank goodness school is almost over and hopefully her father will step in and work with her on this matter.

Thinking of you and praying that everything works out.
Posted By: peacetoday Re: My 5th teenager. - 06/12/19 08:50 PM
Im sorry you are having this issue with your D


I don't know your situation
but from your last post, it sounds like alanon/naranon may be helpful for you

There is a lot of free information online as well as phone meetings everyday/and many times a day if your interested
Posted By: DnJ Re: My 5th teenager. - 06/13/19 02:47 AM
Hello E

I am sorry for what you and your family is going through. Teens do test boundaries and sometimes end up on the poorer side of certain choices.

I hear your feelings and do empathize. Please exquisitetobe, you are not a failure. Let that feeling flit away.

Getting to the root of this matter is a very good thing. From what you’ve said about bf and his potential years of jail - he needs a big wake up call. I am pretty sure he would not be stopping on his own. Perhaps this might just turn his life around.

Recently I was involved in an investigation that ended up with around 40 people getting terminated, even more reprimanded, and even more warned with letters on their files. What a thing to go through. I didn’t like it at all.

Now, looking back, I am happy I did the right thing. Those people’s consequences were not without merit. Those that had shown intent and no remorse for their actions got the most severe discipline. Their behaviour was serious and life endangering. Perhaps some had a wake up call.

I don’t know the details of this matter of D16 and bf. I’ve gleaned a few, hardly a complete picture. However, do the right thing. You will feel good about that choice, and I know how hard a choice that is.

It is good that you and D16’s Dad are on the same page for this.

DnJ
Posted By: tadpole1025 Re: My 5th teenager. - 06/13/19 04:46 AM
Hey there.

You are NOT a failure.

You did the right thing by getting her dad involved. Actually, I think you've been doing the right thing all along. Again, you're NOT a failure.

Just be careful. A lot of times forbidding something will make them want it more.

Keep us updated.

Tad
Posted By: AndrewP Re: My 5th teenager. - 06/13/19 02:45 PM
(((exquisitetobe))) - I agree with the others. You did the exact right thing and I'm very happy for your family that your ex has stepped up and done his job both as a father and as a cop.

Messing around with a bit of pot is one thing but getting into anything harder, especially in company of others who enable is a road to ruin. And just because you live in a small town it doesn't mean anything.

I'm personally grateful that I never had to deal with anything like this but can understand as both a parent and as a single parent at least a touch of how much you are feeling torn, dissapointed in yourself and your daughter, frustrated and exhausted.

Hopefully your ex and perhaps other professionals can assist you in figuring out the best way to deal with this.
Posted By: exquisitetobe Re: My 5th teenager. - 06/14/19 01:23 AM
Thank you so much for all your support! ((( to all )))

day 2 of a new rollercoaster ride.
I left you to drive D16 to our meeting point. It was scheduled for 6h00pm.
We got there 10 min. early. We waited on the side of the road for 1h10 min.
He apologized for being late. Said he had a quick stop to make before coming.
He asked what was i planning for next week because he was away for work.
My face showed desapointment and in my head, " what??? As if. ARGGGGG!!!"
i replied: i' ll take the week off i guess or i' ll schedule her all week.

Ex-h: and then what? Will she be moving in with me for the summer?

Me: i want her to keep working with me. I do not want to lose her, i do not want to be replace"

Ex-h: ( tone of voice rising) YOU ATE NOT GETTING REPLACE. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR HEAD"

me: ( high tone to) I cannot be a mother to her if i am not around her.

Ex-h: how do you think i feel?

Me: You wanted this.. not me

Ex-h: I know.. You are damaging the kids with the things you tell them. That' s why they do not come to see me.you make them feel bed.

Me: i want her to keep her job. She lost her home, she lost her bf, she cannot lose her job to. It is too much.

Ex h: then what? You will cling on to her all the time? She won' t be able to hang around friends?
You know that if she is here, she will go right back.

Me: i know!!

Ex-h:: your screaming and the things you say to them is making them feel like they are betraying you. It makes them feel guilty. You do not realise how much damage you do to them.
And now, we have to deal with this!

Now, my anxiety rises and i feel low, responsable, angry that he pins this on me yet he will leave next week.
I feel like i caused this. I start shaking. I walk to my car.
He jumps in his truck and drive off furious.
I sit down, cry, cry and cry.
I ask D18 to please switch seat and take the wheel.
She does and she asked what has happen i tell her that it is pin on me. That i damage them. That i am the reason all of this is happening and he does not get how is gf makes me feel replaced. That i cannot be a mother to a child who is not around.
I am a mess and i am late to meet a friend. But i need her so i go to see her.
Right away, she ask: you were crying..what is it?
I tell her what just happened and i do not know what to do
By addressing one problem, i feel i created a new one and i do not know what is the solution
She tells me that i did really well with all my kids. That i am a great mother and i will find a solution.
Even D16 who messed up is still a good kid. They all are.

I call D18 to come and pick me up.
As soon as we get home, ex-h texts D18 to let me know he is calling the house.

The conversation started with trying to put a plan in action for D16.
We both agree that she cannot be here with me. We argued on the work issue. Then the accusation started again. I am a f*ck up who damages the kids.
I told him that i would not damage anybody else. I was done.( i was devastated and destroyed. Shaking and once again, leaving it all. I felt like a whortless piece of .... )

I packed a bag and as i was getting in the car, D18 opened the door.
" what are you doing?
Me: " i have done enough damage to everyone."

I closed the door and left.. 45 min. later, i stop. I text my boss saying i was sorry to do this again but i had to quit. I did not know when i would return.

1h00 later, i stop again, try to look at the situation dead on..
Where am i gonna go? What was gonna happen? What was i gonna do?
No matter what, i would eventually have to return to address the house, the bills etc..
As for D16, losing her bf, her friends, her house, her job and now her mom.. now i would definately be the reason. NO NO NO i cannot not give up.
First thing, no matter what, i need to adress the house. I need to sell it. That is 100 percent sure.
I do jot want to make any decision when i am like this because my plan changes with my moods.
But the house is a sure " must sell and get out of this town ".
Posted By: exquisitetobe Re: My 5th teenager. - 06/14/19 01:44 AM
My sleep is on and off.. Day 3
4h00 am. : i am awaken by a nervous shock. Something i experience often when i am in high anxiety for long period of time. Lack of sleep and high stress.
I jump in the basement and start cleaning it. Getting raid of clutters and pilling it outside to take to the dump.
It is free dumping until the 16th. I want to take advantage of it.
5h50 am. I start thinking about work. I am the key holder. I start thinking about the staff and the deliveries coming in.
I make the decision to go. I text my boss, who has not seen my prior message yet, to please ignore it . I would not do this to them. I would give all i can under the circounstences. I was going in.
(They told them about the situation and warned them that the cops my come to address D16' s bf and they did.)

7h00am. My boss comes straoght to me and ask: you ok?
Me: (shaken) no i feel like by adressing an issue, i created many others and i do not know what to do about it.
I do not want to make any decision because of my state of mind at the moment.

He understood. He knows this is very difficult and him and his wife were gonna support me with anything i needed.

I signed out and went home. I layed on the couch and fell asleep.

8h05 am. Phone rings.
Me: allo
Ex-h: ( angry ) WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
i hanged up

Of course, he called right back.
Me: (regular tone ) you can drive her all the way. I did enough damage. No matter what i do or i much i put in, i am a f*ck head to you". And i hang up
Grabbed my jacket and head out the door because i kbew he would call again or would come to the house after driving her. I took another 45 min.ride to make sure he would be gone by the time i got back.
11h30 am. I picked up D16 for her lunch. She was quiet bit ok.
12h25, took her back to school.
1h00 pm now i feel nauseated and like i am about to faint.
I ask D18 if she could give me a ride. She said yes.. where to?
Me: hospital
Posted By: exquisitetobe Re: My 5th teenager. - 06/14/19 02:04 AM
Emerg. : all emotions in termoul. I told my story, all my symtoms and why i was there.
I ask for a referal to minto councelling. I asked for mood stabilizer and anxoety meds bevause i know the next couple of months will be a heck of a ride. I told the doctor that i have been here before and i know i need to address my symptoms before making any decision and i need to do this fast.
He said he was very happy that i was able to share this openly with him. He was quite amaze at how i handle this. He would definately refer me to minto. He said i was one of the strongest person he has met and i was really handleing this the right way. He said he would do a little bit of research in my file and would make the call to minto.
Within 30 min., MY councellor walked in. ( same one as before smile )
As soon as she saw me, she knew. All she needed was an update of recent event.
She made a report. Asked if she could leave a copy here to get things moving faster and she is willing to get me started monday.

Road block: Here, family doctors are scarce. They come and go and we often have a shortage. Unfortunately, this is one of these time. I was dropped by my family doctor and no one has filled his position. To get tjis going and be covered, i need a recommandation from my doctor. We have tried without luck so my new doctor is from out of town. The appointment is monday therefor couscelling will be start a bit later in the week.
Meds cannot be prescribe by the ER physician and since very minimal contact with ex will happen by then, it was fine by me.
Posted By: exquisitetobe Re: My 5th teenager. - 06/14/19 02:35 AM
7h00pm.. home ( yes, i was in emerg for 6h00 )
D18 wants an update. I try to calm my shaking.. i watch a little bit of tv .
I go to bed and sleep until my alarm.. yes ahhhhhh! How rejuvinating.

Day 4: i go to work. D18 informs me that ex-h will drop off and pick up D16 all the way.
11h30, i pick up D16 for her lunch and she tells me today was the first day of exams. She has no class in the afternoon. I bring her home. Give D18 the keys for my car and tell her to take D16 out because she will need it. She will get bored and the time spent together the 2 of them will do good.

They bring me back to work.

D16 is working 8 to 4. I keep my eyes on him all day. In the morning, i got scared.
My boss comes to me to say: guess what? Aparently, they just pulled the plug on his grand-father"
He had told D16 that his grand-pa was dying and he had asked for the day off and was refused.
When D16 told me and said: "did he tell them why because i am sure they would not have refused."
She said: " i don' t know but he passed away tjis morning and he did not have the chance to say goodbye!
THIS WAS 2 WEEKS AGO. My boss felt like crap because she had not giving him the saturday off and today, he died again..
An alarm went off in my head. I am here. My car his hete so he knows D18 is not watching D16. Ex-h is at work and D16 is at school. I go find him to see if he is still here. I ask my boss if he asked to get off early. She said she did not know.
Me and his boss do not get along and i do jot trust her so i go for the butcher and ask him if he could please let me know if he leaves work early asap. ( he would know because the manager i do not like would complain about being short staff all day ). He agreed.
I got off at 3h00pm and bf was still there.
I got home. The girls were ok. Watching tv.
3h15 pm ex-h comes over to pick up D16.
We are both calm. We get into an understanding that D16 will spend the summer with him.
She will not work with me. He understands my concern over his schedule which will not allow him to be there for her 24-7.
I explained my dilemma. I thanked him for taking the time off next week . ( yes, he told his boss that like it or not, he is taking it off to take care of this. ) i was shocked and so happy!
I told him i need him always have but ( moment of silence) i was glad he is adressing this with me. That together, we can beat this. He said: with this said, sell the house. She cannot come back here.
I agree.

He took a look at my pile of garbage and i was expecting a question about the tires but no.. he asked whos matress was this? (Lol).. i daid Son it has been in the basement for years..
Hr asked if the town were gonna pick it up. I said no. I am taking advantage of the free drop-in. I' ll be taking it to the dump. I got until the 16th.

I would not be surprised if ex-h shows up with a trailer tomorrow..
Lets wait and see.

Now, i have typed so much, i do not know if i missed anything. But this is the global of it for now.
I' ll keep you posted..
Posted By: exquisitetobe Re: My 5th teenager. - 06/14/19 02:47 AM
I did forget something.
While in Emerg. I got a text from D18 telling me that D16's bf was outside the school.
I immediately called OPP and got those darn press 1 press 2 questions to end up with anotjer number to call.
As i was on that call, another text came in from D18 sayong : nevermind, he just left and dad is here now.
She also told her father who rushed in the school looking for him. But no, he had not been inside.
I let it be knowing she was safe with him.
Posted By: exquisitetobe Re: My 5th teenager. - 06/14/19 12:48 PM
In Day 4, typo.. D16' s bf is working 8 to 4.
I have many typos as i was typing fast and following my thoughts. Sorry. frown
Posted By: AndrewP Re: My 5th teenager. - 06/14/19 02:05 PM
A big bear hug for you (((Exquisitetobe)))

You'll be ok - in time. You hurt because you care.
Posted By: exquisitetobe Re: My 5th teenager. - 06/14/19 06:04 PM
Thanks Andrew!
I am gonna regret this..
Ex-h changed the plan again. Third time in 3 days and i have NO SAY.
Eventho he will be driving through here tonight on his way to see D23, he wants me to drive D16 to his place.
Last night, he was gonna have her pack her stuff for the week-end and pick her up on his way.
Remember he took the week off next week right?
Well Monday, she has a dentist appointm. to remove her braces in ex-h' s town.. HE CAN' T TAKE HER!!
He knows i have booked my doctor' s appoint. since he was off and suppose to take her.
Arrrggggg...
Posted By: exquisitetobe Re: My 5th teenager. - 06/17/19 04:11 AM
The week- end was stress free.
I was alone and cleaned-up thoroughly to sell the house.

Friday, ex-h announced that my child support would be smaller.
I said no problem but i need enough to cover D18' s rent.

I still do not have access to D16. Nobody does unless they go through him.
D18 has just arrived with her bf and here i am. I can' t sleep.

I can' t wait for councelling because at the moment, i really feel like washing my hands of it all and of everyone.
Posted By: exquisitetobe Re: My 5th teenager. - 06/17/19 02:43 PM
This morning, i want to work for 2 hours.
I got home and had a message to get D16 around 10h00. She should be done her exam.
Good thing i came home or i would not have known he was not gonna be here.
Anyway, we are both home now and he will pick her up at noon.
At least that is what he said on the machine. Lets wait and see again.

D16 had a big smile on her face when she got out of her class and now has somewhat of an attitude.
She said her week-end was alright
Posted By: exquisitetobe Re: My 5th teenager. - 06/18/19 10:54 AM
Yesterday was my doctor appointment.

I am back on escitalopram. I am off for the next month and councelling start on monday.
For anyone dealing with high anxiety or depression, my doctor told me to look up Katie Byron.
I did and i get the point. Why do i question myself when ex-h makes an accusation on me?
90% of the time, those accusations are things he does and project onto me.
I still get defensive and thorn up for days.

I will use Katie' s work this summer and beat this anxiety.

D16 is doing fine. She still has no way of contacting anyone. I do not know how long this will last. It is up to ex-h to get his plan in motion. One thing all of them are realising ( and where me being a mom and feeling replaced) i do not control what goes on in his home. I cannot make decision on how he will handle being a father.
I AM NOT HIM!!!
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: My 5th teenager. - 06/18/19 11:21 AM
I have some advice to add, but you have never really taken kindly to what I have to say. But, if you care to hear it, let me know.

I will share my thoughts on an exercise in empowerment. How would you handle D16. Come up with a game plan as a mother as to what would be the best way to hand your D16’s situation? If Your ex’s wasn’t around, what would be your plan of action?
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: My 5th teenager. - 06/18/19 11:26 AM
Also, does OW do things to try to replace you? Do your kids act like she’s replaced you? Or is this just your perception because you are hurt?

A mom can not be replaced. I had to be battle having another woman in my daughters life since she was in infant. My daughter is almost 12, and while they have a good relationship ( thank god) I most certainly never have been replaced and I am her mother.

I can also tell you that putting your feelings of being replaced on your kids ( not saying you are doing that) will cause them to distance, not come closer

I hope in counseling you focus on healing yourself and helping yourself with your anxiety and depression, rather than your ex. You should be your primary focus. You are independent of him you are absolutely your own woman. Love her and nurture her
Posted By: exquisitetobe Re: My 5th teenager. - 06/18/19 06:37 PM
The issue on hand was drug abuse. Drugs provided by her bf.
The best way to address this was to remove her from that environment. Since i did not succeed by adressing it on my own, the next step was getting ex-h and the law involved.
Protecting her while adressing the issue.

I've put my house up for sale and i am planning to move South where her siblings will be close by. Even by doing this, i don' t even know if she would come and join us.

For now, today she had her braces removed and she is beautiful.
She is in a good mood. She did inquire about her return to work which i had to tell her she most likely would not return.

There is also a trip we had plan for next week-end and she would like to come. I need to tcheck with ex-h.
Thursday, she has a dentist appointm. to see what is left to do as the finishing touch on her teeth. We already know she needs a filling by the gum lines. The Orthodontis said not to wait too long to fix it.
She said to try and have her in next week.
I did not make any calls since i was told by ex-h, they were gonna go in a road trip visiting and camping. Gone for 2 weeks.

To my surprise, he asked if i made the appointm. and i reply no, you told me you were going away on vacation. He told me to book the appointment for next week.
Also, he asked my opinion about letting D16 going to get her stuff at bf and saying their goodbye to eachother.
He would be present right by their side.
I said, but does she realise she needs to get away from him for her sake? Otherwise, this will be an act.
He thinks she does.

I am very impress by ex-h. In a very positive way.
D16 is definitely his priority right now.
Posted By: tadpole1025 Re: My 5th teenager. - 06/18/19 07:55 PM
Good for XH.

I posted yesterday that my XW seems to be winding down her crisis. Maybe your XH is winding down also?

Either way, it is nice to see that he is making your D16 a priority.

Tad
Posted By: exquisitetobe Re: My 5th teenager. - 06/19/19 03:04 AM
Tad, congrats again on the new baby! I saw your updates. I don' t post very often on other' s threads but i do follow a few on here. You are one of them.

D18, at supper time tells me: "dad is creaping our old group.you know the one about D23' s grad." "He just texted me a -wow, you guys have been through alot. I am so sorry this happened."

I told her: " no one has ever disrespected him. None of us called him names or belittled him. Two things will come out of this. He will realise how this has impacted us or he will try to build a case against me which will have no ground.
I am not worried.

She said: we would never disrespect our parents.

Me: smile i know!

6h00 pm ex-h came to pick up D16.
Me: i' ll pick her up at 9h30 am thursday. She will have her tcheck up. If they can fit the work into my spot, i will let her have my appointment which is at 3h40pm.otherwise, i will try to schedule for early next week so you do not lose your vacation time. Also, Son will be here. He also has an appointment at 2pm. Therefor, i will bring her back in the evening.

Ex-h : no problem. ... i am not taking her to bf for goodbyes. I looked into her phone and he has been messaging her all day, everyday. Sappy crap. I gave her a tablet for now which she will need my password to get into. As for a new phone, i do.not know when i will get her one.
Did you want her sometimes this summer for vacation or anything?

Me: we

Ex-h: who is we?

Me: me, the girls, son will join us if his gf is not working, are going to spend the week-end with D23. D16 would like to come to. If you agree, i would pick her up friday evening and bring her back sunday evening.

Ex-h: why don' t you keep her here Thursday? Bring her back only sunday. Easier for you this way.

Me: sure! smile thanks!

Today was good. smile
Posted By: exquisitetobe Re: My 5th teenager. - 06/21/19 02:33 PM
Change of heart by D16.
She does not want to come with us.
Angry stage and barganning.. trying to have permission to go to a dance and stay at a friend' s house. The friend in question is not trustworthy. My answer was no. Ex-h was undecided and told me the answer would be no aswell.
When i drove her back last night, i noticed a beautiful dress and shoes in her bag. She won' t give up trying..

If ex-h allow her to go, she will be unsupervised here, in my town where bf lives.
If he allows it, it will be to spite me and ruin my week-end because he knows darn well i would not let D16 unsuppervised..
Lets wait and see..
For now, me and D19 will be leaving this afternoon to meet up with Son and D19' s bf for supper and then making our way to D23.

I just tealise i still refer to D19 as D18.. lol her bd was not long ago..

Posted By: exquisitetobe Re: My 5th teenager. - 06/24/19 12:11 PM
Friday night, while in North Bay, ex-h called me . He said D16 is crying hysterically. She packed her bags.

He had allowed her to have her phone back for a couple of days and he had to take it away from her once again.
She had contacted bf and he was trying to convince her to call the cops on us and say we were hitting her. Telling her how easy it was to free herself.

Ex-h lost it. He called the bf mother and told her what her son was doing.
With an attitude, she asked if ex-h was threatening her and he answered no, it' s a fact. I could have him charge with ...
She said ok, i don' t want to go on that path. Tell Sarah i wish her the best.

He then gave the phone to D16 who was still hysteric and she asked me to go get her. She did not want to live there. She hates it there. The drugs were over and done. ( tone was firm and felt honest ). She said she did not give a s**t about what bf does with it. She was done 100%.

I asked : what about bf?
She said: she still wants to be with him. Apparently he has not touch drugs ever since. He said he would give everything to the cops if they showed up at the door.

She wants to go back to work. She wants to get bf away from that environment he is in and spend more time here with us.

Now, i do not know what to do again. Do i give him another chance? Do i take the risk? How about ex-h who did all this for her? Barganing stage..

For now, D16 is still at ex-h's. I told her i needed to think hard about this. I would get back to her later on this week.

I have counselling in a couple of hours. I will bring it up with her and see if she can shed some light on me.
Posted By: DnJ Re: My 5th teenager. - 06/24/19 01:44 PM
Good Morning E

You sure have a lot going on right now.

For what is worth.

I believe people can change. It is up to them if they will or won’t.

Watch and follow the actions and not the words.

Everyone deserves a chance; the consequences and repercussions of their poor choices; and once they are over the age of majority respect to make and live their own decisions.

My idea of a second chance is more of a perpetual opportunity to better themselves. There will be applied rules, guidelines, limiting of risk, and boundaries derived from their behaviours, however the door is not bolted shut.

It is a bit tricky to figure out where we fit in to their difficult and usually lengthy process. For the most part I think (if they are willing) gentle guidance, a few course corrections, and boundaries are all we can really do. It is up to them.

As I said, I believe people can change.

This is a core value of mine.

When someone wants to be better - I am all for it.

DnJ
Posted By: exquisitetobe Re: My 5th teenager. - 12/04/19 11:49 PM
Something is in the air...

Quick update:
D16 is back home. She is also back to work and so am i.

Her boyfriend is out of the picture and has left town with another girl.
D16 was heartbroken. On July first, ( Canada day ), she snapped out of her despair after being approach by many, many people who D16 had pushed aside for her boyfriend. She realised that she had MANY PEOPLE who cared about her and were so happy she had left him.

That night, after we got home from the fireworks, she washed all the writings off her mirrors.
She took a long bath and braided her hair. She was smilling again. From that day on, i had my funny, corky daughter back.

As for ex-h, he called me only once to see how she was doing.

He has seen her 3 times since.

First time, he took her shopping. He offered to buy her a winter jacket. She really liked one she had chosen but ex-h desagreed. He got her one of HIS choice.
She did not like it but it did not matter, that is the one she got.

She texted him to ask if she could go and spend the week-end with him.. no answer.

A few days later, she texted him to ask when her data would be reset. No answer.

D 18 also texted him that same week and did not get an answer.

9 days later, D16 finally gets an answer. No apology, no explainations, nothing.

In the middle of the week, at 2h00pm, he tries to CALL D16. She was at school thetefor did not answer his call. He got pissed off.

Second visit: First thing he tells D16:
" where is the jacket i got you? This one is ugly"

Her: " It' s inside. It is too mild to wear it."
Him: ok... i' ll give you that. What about your new boots you got with your mom?
Her: inside also.
Him: (arrogant) why are you losing weight, are you sick or something?"
Her: no

They get to the restaurant and it goes on..
Him: i think i' m gonna be sick it' s all old people here. Look at this one, she must be atleast 80.

The waitress knows ex-h and me. She had not seen him in years. She was happy to see him and says:" woww Nelson, you lost alot of weight"

He gets all insulted and replies: what? Do i look sick?
D16 was embarrassed the whole night. Once she got home, she let it all out.. told me everything about it..

D18' s reading week. She spent a couple of days with her dad and the rest of the week with me.
The first thing she told me was: Dad is in one of his mood.. easily irritable, angry, nasty, mean, unpleasable.

I said : he must be having trouble with his OW.
She says: i think so to. She was going to work and as soon as she closed the door behind her, he said: this won' t last much longer.

Last week-end, D16 had a Volley-ball tournement.
I gave her the choice of coming with me to North Bay or do her tournement with a promise of following the rules. She chose to stay.

Saturday night, she texted me that her dad wanted to pick her up at 1h00pm on Sunday to have supper with her. She added an angry smily face and a yay.

Sunday: 1h20 i receive another text from D16 who said... still waiting..
(angry face)

1h45... text: leaving now.. finally
I asked her to let me know when she would make her way back home.
( i did not want to be there since he is in a high.)

5h00pm ...D16 texted me: Brooke ( an employee of mine ) is in town. She offered me to hop-in with her so dad would not have to drive me back and she would have companie for the ride back home.

5h30pm... Another text: Nevermind, dad won' t let me because it is dark outside..arrrrggggg...
Me: Does he knows where i am?
D16: yes.he interogated me as soon as i got in the truck.
Me: was he mad?
D16: not at you. He accused me of going partying, getting drunk, staying up all night ....
( she did not.. she was on line with us.she was home. Her and D18 were sending recorded videos back and forth.)

( i am getting the feeling that he is trying to see me)

I left North Bay at 4h00pm.
7h00pm: D16: still waiting for him..
7h30: still not gone yet..

( he' s gonna time it with my arrival.. nope... not gonna happen )

Once in Matheson, i took a little break.. i drove around and looked at Christmas decorations. Waisted 20 minutes..

Once in my town, went straight to the bank.. updated my books.
Got myself a coffee and finally went home.D16 was there.
She had just arrived 10 min.before me.
She said he made her inspect the entire house before leaving because she had not locked the door.

He looked at the tire tracks in my driveway.. he walked all around the house.
He looked at all the footsteps in the yard.

I was expecting a phone call to answer to what he saw as their was 4 different tire tracks in my driveway. All known by me..lol

On Saturday evening, when D16' s texted came in, it started a ex-h discussions amoungst my kids.
S21,D23 and D18. I stayed out of it because i get very angry and agitated when i get involved.
D18 reported a text she had received out of the blue about his OW who would be in the street if he was to break it off as everything was under HIS name..

I did say my 2 cents on this one: yup..that is how he works. He has full control. But if he does leave her, he will give her the 4runner. But nothing else.

Today, 2 of his constables came to the store to grab lunch. As soon as i saw them, my anger was felt inside. One of them glanced at me twice. I walked away.
My co-worker said: " did you notice the one that looked at you when you were in the isle? "
Me: yes. I walked away..
Her: he came last week and stood infront of the freezer stairring in our department as if he was looking for you.
Me: i don' t want to have nothing to do with any of them!
Her: if he would have asked for you, i would have said that you had quit..lol
Me: YESSSS!!! Thank you!! Lol

Christmas is coming. I have one gift left to purchase and some baking to do. D18 surprised me with a visit with her boyfriend. We decorated inside and outside. It will be a good year this year.
Even with ex-h' s mood, everybody else seem in the spirit of Christmas!!

More to come .. i feel it..
Posted By: kml Re: My 5th teenager. - 12/05/19 12:07 AM
OMG! So happy that D16's BF took off and she came out of her fog. It's hard enough to be abandoned by a spouse but when they leave us to be the sole parent handling these kid things, it's super hard.

You're doing good, girlfriend. Ignore your ex and celebrate the holidays with your kids.
Posted By: exquisitetobe Re: My 5th teenager. - 12/05/19 12:14 AM
I should post more often.. i always forget bits and pieces..

The last time she saw her dad, she came back with 2 tubes of acnee cream that she throu on the table.
Me: Are you serious?
Her Yup! He got me those... ( upset )
Me: i swear he is stuck somewhere. .
Did you know that before he left, back when we all had something wrong.. Teeth too yellow, too fat, too many pimples etc..
Kate was the pimple face according to him and i was really tired of us being threated this way.
We went shopping and bought creams, facials, napkins, tons of skin product that he paid for.
We shoved them in the bathroom cabinet and when they expired, we thew them out.
He accused of a eating too much chocolate and drinking too much pop.. has' nt he ever heard of puberty?
D16: ( laughing ) he asked me if i was drinking pop and eating chocolate??
Me: ( laughing ) he is 4 years too late.. your skin is perfect.
That stage is long past..

Lol... oh boy..
Posted By: DnJ Re: My 5th teenager. - 12/05/19 02:01 AM
Hello E

It is nice to see that daughter is smiling, funny, corky again. That was really wonderful to read.

Also really good to see how stable and well you are doing. And the humour.

I agree ex-h is stuck at some time or place.

My my, you are on top of things! Only one gift left to purchase for Christmas, and the decorating done. I’m a little further behind that, quite a bit. smile

Best of the season to you and your’s.

DnJ
Posted By: AndrewP Re: My 5th teenager. - 12/05/19 03:09 PM
Baked any Christmas pies yet exquisitetobe? How long again will it take me to get there? laugh
Posted By: exquisitetobe Re: My 5th teenager. - 12/05/19 09:28 PM
Thank you KML.
I knew her boyfriend would be harder to give up then the drugs.
He did not stay single for very long. D16 was shocked to see he did not even try to keep her or even wait to atleast talk.
It hit her hard. She got very depressed. She dropped to the floor crying. I kneeled beside her for awhile.
Later, i went upstairs to get her a glass of water, a cold cloth and a tylenol as i knew she would have a migraine after crying for so long. While upstairs, i heard 3 loud bang, bang, bang as if she was punching the floor.
I returned to her room, offered her some water and she pushed it away. I grabbed the cloth and wiped her neck, face and forehead. She pulled away and said "ouch".
Me: oh [censored], you hit your head on the wall!! You have an egg forming on your forehead.
I used the glass of water to keep the cloth cold because i did not want to leave her room again.
We stayed on the floor for hours.. she cried until she had nothing left.
I told her: " come, i' ll help you to get you to your bed. You will cry yourself to sleep. This is what is coming next".

She was drained!! She laid down and finally stopped crying. I left her to rest.
After about 30 min., i went to tcheck on her. She was still awake. She asked me if she could go meet a friend of hers later but first, if we could go drive around for her to get some fresh air. Without hesitation, i said yes.
We drove around for about 30 min. Then, we went to Tim Horton where she was suppose to meet her friend. She was' nt there.. D16 started crying again. She felt ALONE.. no friends, no boyfriend, no job, nothing.
We went back home and she ran to her room where she cried and cried. I did not know what to do anymore.
I told her: "Let' s go!, i need to get you out of here. Let' s go see your sisters and brother."
Again, she was drained and weak physically.
I asked her if she wanted me to take her to the hospital. She said yes.
The doctor ( whom i adore ) spent 2 HOURS with us.
He spoke to her, to me one on one and to her again. He offered her instant councelling. She refused but he did make her feel better.
Once home, she took a bath to relax and went to bed.
The next day, we did go visit her sibling.. doctor' s order; reconnect with her family and friends.
It got better slowly until Canada day where she did a complete turn around. Thank God!!! smile

It was very hard.

DNJ, you are probably decorating or gone shopping but i wanted to say thank you and i wish you a very merry Christmas!!!! smile

Andrew,
According to google, you are 7h33 min. from my house. I did not bake anything yet. Shall i wait for you?? Lol
Posted By: tadpole1025 Re: My 5th teenager. - 12/11/19 12:45 AM
(HUGS)

Just checking in.

Tad
Posted By: exquisitetobe Re: My 5th teenager. - 10/14/20 01:32 AM
Good evening!
Almost a full year since an update.

The wedding that was suppose to take place on June 20th ( the day of Bomb 11 uears ago ) got push to Oct 10th ( my parents' wedding day, my ex mother-in-law' s bday. smile no need to say that i liked this daye better. smile ) because of Covid.

I spent countless sleepless night worrying about this day.
I knew ex-h would be there with his gf.

On Saturday morning, son seemed very quiet. I asked him if he had a good sleep and he said he didn' t feel good.
I kept my eyes on him. A bit later, he tells me that he will probably be driving back to his place after the wedding supper.
I told him : " you do know it is a 5 hour drive right? ".
He jumps up angry and says: " the other one ( his dad ) has my suit and he won' t answer my text or calls. He wants to make sure i' ll have to go to his room and i' ll be stuck with him and his gf all night.
He will ruin it for me.
I' m gonna go drive around a bit. Do you want a coffee when i come back? "

Me: " yes please! " ( scared that he might just go home. )

While he was away, i told his sisters what was happening and we came with a plan B.
Bring 2 vehicule so if ex-h is messing with any one of us, some can leave and some can stay. Plus, we would shield my son.( meaning one of ud be by his side at all time ).
I also added: " your dad never showed his Jekyll & Hyde side to mononcle Jasmin therefor, if he starts, go sit with mononcle and you will see his attitude change very quickly.


We left North Bay at 2pm and arrived at the resort around 4h15.
My sisters were already there.

The ceremony was taking place on the beach. There was 44 of us present.
The first few row were reserved for immediate family. First row was for me and my children.
To the left, the groom' s parents, brother and sister.
Behind me, ex-h, huge space ( big enough for another chair wich was NOT the way they were placed when we arrived ), beside her, my BIL, sister, other BIL , sister.

I was very nervous. My sisters could see it and use humour to cheer me up. smile
The ceremony was fun, unusual and yet very BEAUTIFUL!

Daughter did not ask ex-h to walk her down the isle she walked alone and gave herself to her future husband.

Photos: again, me and my kids as a group.
Ex-h sneaked his wat into a few of them by standing beside me while leaving a space in between us.
His gf was taking pics.

Supper: table of honour was bride, groom, the 2 brides maid and their bf, the 2 groomsmen and their gf. First table, me and my kids. Beside us, Groom' s family. Third in the corner, ex-h, gf and adult friends of the bride and groom.
Next row , uncles, aunts.
Third row, friends.

Again, a huge space between ex-h and gf.
I was under the impression he did NOT want her to come.

Ex-h approached me on many occasions. Our pack was looking out for eachother. ( i felt very safe and so did they.) He was very polite, kind and loving to ALL OF US. ( i felt, just a little bit, sorry for his gf).

Speaches: the groom' s father honoured both, his son and my daughter. He also added that he beleives his son his an amazing guy because he has her by his side and she makes him a better man.

Ex-h: he shared a memory of my daughter when she was about 6 months old. He came to tears while sharing his story. All of a sudden, the speach turned into all 4 children.
How proud he his of them, how smart they are, how dumbfounded he feels when having serious talk with them and again, tears in his eyes says ( while looking straight at me):
It his really hard for me to be here. I want to say so much more but i have taken enough of your time.
He then looks at the bride and grooms and cheers.

We all looked at one another, shaken up and very vulnerable.

We did not have a dance, we had a bonfire on the beach of the resort.
We needed to change in the truck. I was cold in my little dress. Once everyone had changed, we decided to go to the bathroom before going to the beach. I asked D17 to come with me incase i met ex-h and gf. And we did. Ex-h tried to do small talk and i cut him off saying i had to go badly. D17 looked at me with a little smile and relief.
Oh, forhot to mention, resort and beach, 90 steps up and 90 steps down.. lol

We were last to arrive. Ex-h jumps up and offers me his spot. I gently refused and stayed standing.
BIL gets up and tells ex-h to sit with his gf that he was gonna go sit with his.lol ( my sister. married for 40 years).
Ex-h sits but at the end of the bench beside where i was standing. Again, we all looked at eachother with a " what on earth?" kind if look.

My circle got bigger and bigger.. we were laughing and having a good time.
My family left around 8pm to drive back. They stayed at D25' s house for the night.

Gf was just sitting there being ignored all night.
Ex-h stood up and came standing by me while the kids were sharing crazy teenager's stories they had.
Ex-h laughed for the first time since his arrival.
At 11pm, he asked if we would be leaving soon as it was getting late and we had a 2 hour drive. I said: yes, soon.
He said he was going to bed. He kissed our kids good night, said bye to everybody and came straight infront of me and said: " i wanted to say more earlier remember? Well, what i wanted to say was thank you for raising our kids so well. They make me very proud and i only have you to thank for it.
Please, be careful on the road, drive safe, take care and thanks again! smile

As they walked towards the stairs, gf grabbed ex-h' s hand and he pulled away from her.

I feel a separation on the horizon for those 2.

Our final thought!! smile
Great night for ALL OF US!
Sadden by ex-h but son said: " i feel bad for him to but he got himself in that position. It is up to him to build the bridges he destroyed" .

Wowwww, my kids are very smart!! smile

Good night everyone
.
Posted By: kml Re: My 5th teenager. - 10/14/20 02:03 AM
Wow - what an update! I sure wouldn't want to be him.

You did well, girlfriend. A life well lived is the best revenge.
Posted By: Gerda Re: My 5th teenager. - 10/14/20 04:00 AM
Wow, what a story! I was RIVETED! I felt vindicated on your behalf, finally your exH sees what he left and what an amazing mother you are. I was also so happy at how much fun you were able to have, and how your family was constantly protecting you and being there for each other. I really don't have that and it looks amazing to have that kind of support.
Posted By: AndrewP Re: My 5th teenager. - 10/14/20 02:30 PM
Congratulations on the marriage of your daughter exquisitetobe! I am so happy that you had a great day to celebrate with them.
Posted By: job Re: My 5th teenager. - 10/14/20 03:49 PM
I am so proud of you and your children! It sounds like it started out being a very tense day, but in the end, everything went well and all of you had a nice day with many pleasant memories. Congratulations to the new husband and wife. I'm sure that they are glad it is over and can now focus on the future.

Well done!
Posted By: exquisitetobe Re: My 5th teenager. - 10/23/20 12:27 PM
Thank you everyone!
It went really well. Everybody were happy of the outcome !

Now, yet another " red flag " ( i would say )...
D20 went to spend a few days at her father in her reading week.this is the daughter who is in University, studying psychology and mental health)
I do not know how the subject came about but ex-h commented : " sometimes, i feel like going in a crowd and shooting all the idiots, just to see how it feels! "

D20: "OMG dad, this is alarming. Are ypu ok? "
Ex- h: " am just kidding ".

He said these words 3 times in the few days she was there.
Is he playing , taunting her? Or is he in a mental state again?

I do not trust this man. I do not know what happen to the one i fell in love with and felt so safe by his side.
To have those tought of "seeing how it feels" seems very scary to me.

My reply was: " well, he thinks everyone are idiots."
" lets hope he does not go through with his words."
Posted By: job Re: My 5th teenager. - 10/23/20 03:20 PM
Let's hope he doesn't follow thru. The comment also reminds me of someone who is trying to "feel" something or he could be wanting a "reaction" from his daughter to see if she is really listening and cares about him. He sounds depressed and "numb", i.e., feelings at the moment. They do tend to say things that are off color at times.
Posted By: exquisitetobe Re: My 5th teenager. - 10/23/20 09:41 PM
Job,
I think you got it right!
It would make alot of sense. Shaken up by the wedding. Seating in the second row.. not walking his daughter down the isle, supper at " friend" table, Seeing the 5 of us being so close and him being the outcast( of his own will ).

And here i am, feeling sympathy for him. again.
Posted By: kml Re: My 5th teenager. - 10/24/20 01:46 AM
You know that if he said that to a physician or mental health worker, in the U.S. they would be required by law to report it? That sounds very dangerous. Do you know if he owns a gun? That sounds extremely dangerous and is a HUGE red flag!
Posted By: exquisitetobe Re: My 5th teenager. - 10/24/20 03:30 AM
Kml, my ex is a cop ( staff sergeant ).. he has guns and badge
Posted By: kml Re: My 5th teenager. - 10/24/20 06:07 AM
This needs to be reported. Seriously.
Posted By: Sage4 Re: My 5th teenager. - 10/25/20 02:44 AM
This scares me. A lot.

Even if he is trying to 'feel' something, this is a very scary manifestation of that. And saying it more than once is particularly concerning from a public safety standpoint.

If he joking, someone in his position of power (armed as he is) should NEVER joke about things of this nature.

And if he is mentally ill, he should not be in the position of power he is in, armed as he is.

And let's just say for the sake of giving him the benefit of MLC, that he is shaken up by the wedding, his losses etc and is in a really low place. For his 'way out' is to self-annihilate through harm to others is scary.

ETB, this is not a call for you to feel sympathy for H.

But as D reported it to you with concern, she may need your support to report his behavior. She will be learning in her studies at Uni (if she hasn't already) that she shouldn't normalize these sorts of behaviors. How can you help her right now?
Posted By: exquisitetobe Re: My 5th teenager. - 10/25/20 01:08 PM
Good morning everyone.

I had a long and serious discussion with D20.
All the activities they did were done together. No gf. Only quality time with his daughter so no filtration would need to take place. Freedom of speech.

Ex-h shared alot of memories he has of his time with us as a family.
D20 also shared her favorite which was : going sliding as a group with uncles and aunts ( my side and also the ones present at the wedding). He had forgotten about that day and admited we all had alot of fun. He loves and misses them.
He really was part of a bigger family than just the 6 of us.
He shared memories of my mother and how welcoming she was and how happy she seemed to be everytime she saw him. He said: " it wasn' t all bad, there was alot of good times and wonderful memories.

Sadly, because of how he treat people, they tried to see his daughter( from a teen relationship he had prior to us). She did not answer the door.( common behavior ). Later, they met a lady who asked him if he had seen his grand-daughter. He said: no, they did not open the door. She replied: " you should be proud of her. She got rewarded at school for her accomplishments. .....

They were on there way back and suddenly, ex-h turned around and went back to see his GD.
This time, they opened up but grand daughter had no interest in seeing him and daughter made small talk and sent him on his way.

I asked D20 which mood he was in. Was he happy, sad, depress, numb, angry?
She said he was ok.

I told her i shared his words on the forum and as Job mentiond, it might have been to get a reaction from her or he might be depressed. She said, i don' t think so. He seem in a good place with me.
D20:" we went hunting. and as always, he was all about safety. Guns locked, shell separate. Always pointed to the ground, me staying behind him, wearing orange from head to toe. Lol ".
He did a moose called and got an answer from a buck. The moowe did not come out. It seem to tell us this was his territory but running in the area and hitting his antlers on trees. It was loud and scary."
Me: " OMG! i' m sooo happy you got to experience this with him. When you guys were younger, every fall, he would take us out for a ride in the bush, in hope we would all hear how intimidating a moose his when they approach ourt of the forest. But we never did. To have YOU there at that very moment was, i am sure, a moment of pure happiness for your dad!. This makes me very happy aswell! "

The next morning, they went pardridge hunting. He let D20 take a shot. She got it. The only one they have and it is sitting in my freezer.

In her opinion, he ' ll be ok.

I said: " well, you understand my concerns. You have the same concerns. ( how it feels? ). Out of the 4 of you, communication speaking, you are his outlet. Please be vigilent and do not hesitate to tell me if he says things like this again."

She said: " that' s the thing. He can' t talk like this. He does not think when he says things. He does not care how it will be perceived until it gets him in confrontation."


A suivre.......
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