Need Guidance moving from new comer to MLC,

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2784920#Post2784920

Moving over to MLC side as I really think W is in MLC, I have been strong but I am catching myself I might slide back and I am trying not too.

I must be strong for kids.

Welcome to the MLC Forum. I'm very sorry you are here, but there are numerous people here walking the same path as you are. Some way ahead, others behind and then there are those right where you are...so feel free to ask questions and post your thoughts here. I am going to post Cadet's Welcome posting here for you to read:

Welcome to this board.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD,
Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)

I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.

This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.

I would start with the going dark link.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post50956

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2537289#Post2537289

Resources thread(last post only)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2592296#Post2592296

Things you should know as the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2701017#Post2701017

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Doormat Tactics
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1942444#Post1942444

Standing vs leaving
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1966340&page=1

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

Musings from AmyC
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2253741#Post2253741

MLC Signs
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2177869#Post2177869

The Final Stages Withdrawal to Acceptance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2074403&page=1

WAS showing you positive signs? WAIT - READ THIS!
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2772942#Post2772942

Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.

I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources.
You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.

Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!

Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.

I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.

Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you!
Start your homework assignments.
Something to DO while you are on moderation.
GAL.
Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath.
In general take care of your self first.

Detach the single most important thing to DO.

Your H/W has given you a gift
THE GIFT OF TIME
use it wisely

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon

Hello marina7.

Welcome to the MLC side of the board.

Need guidance - a most fitting title. We all need guidance through these mixed up times. Hopefully you will find some useful suggestions from the compassate people here.

How are you and your three children doing? I hope you are enjoying the weekend.

I do apologize I have not got completely caught up on the last of your threads, so if you had asked something specific in newcomers I have not read it yet.

Journaling,

Just venting, as we are all here for same reason we are LBS well I am always here to get help and support from anyone or any group I can get involved for my kids and I. Is about us healing and understanding what happen to once our home and Spouse.

Well sad to say I found a group in social media I won't say the name group but when I went to join they ask couple questions and I honestly answered all the questions. Well I did get a response back and was told your marriage is unconventional and we don't support your marriage and life style and maybe that's why your marriage failed God doesn't approve.

I honestly was saddened and anger I wanted to go off but then I realized we live in a world that some people are just ignorant. I of course wrote back and said.

I understand that's your opinion but when did God gave you a throne for you to try to give me scriptures but to say that my kids and I went through this because God was punishing us.

As I wrote this many tears because it was not about if I was gay or straight I was simply getting support from any group that can keep guiding me. Sad that we live in such a cruel world. Many still read the bible and follows but there the ones to cast stones at you.

Thank you DnJ

Kids and I are taking it a day at a time, in therapy once a week. Unfortunately s10 will be with W when school starts so s10 won't go to school with d10 and s9 we go to court the following week after school start. Hoping and praying by then the GAL will have recommended for s10 to come home and be with his siblings for good. I been fighting to keep kids together as the system has failed us already kids are all adopted by both W and I and I didn't know siblings could be split up which that's what I am fighting for them not to be separated.

One thing I realized is W is sweet when W needs something or want something but the moment W doesn't get her way the Monster comes out so now I usually just listen and nod my head and stay far away from W.

Marina, I'm sorry to hear you got that kind of response from a SUPPORT group. As if you aren't going through enough without all that. You will not get that from me!!

I have not caught up on your entire thread, but I have read some of it and will catch up as soon as I can. I wanted to go ahead and send some love now because this is a tough thing to go through and we need all the friends we can get.

I read in your previous thread that you said W has done too much, broken you and the kids. Does that mean that you are beyond the point of reconciliation?

sjohns6,

Thank you for kind words, yes is already hard no need to add people judgement especially what W did to us.

Interesting question, can we reconcile, as many of us this rollercoaster ride on emotions is hard. There's days I wish W would fight for us. But also there's days W does more damage being around. Yes I am a lbs that one day I can say nope to much damage to reconcile but there's days I remember the good days W waa caring, motherly, W would do anything for us, me and kids. Example s10 was in ER and W came as I called her to inform s10 was sick. W seen I didn't have a jacket W went to car got one, also when W taken s9 and d10 to eat W brought me back food to eat W stated I got you your favorite. W also was worried I didn't take my medication as I was there all day with s10. But also W monster a couple times when W didn't get her way. It was a interesting 8hrs in ER different personality in W.

So at this moment yes kids and I are emotionally broken as we all got the bd with no warning. But I know with God anything is possible so this is why everyday is a day at a time.

Marina

It is so hard when they are mean and then nice

Which is why it is so important to detach

And find your own center which does not revolve around w

This took me a long time

I am a slow learner

Glad you are fighting for the kids

Gordie,
Thank you, I have read your thread and DnJ and couple more here. In the beginning as all LBS I felt alone then I started following groups some are great and some are cruel and judgmental due to me being a lesbian, honestly is no different then being married with a Man.

Yes I can finally say I have detached from W for awhile No relationship talk or anything if it has nothing to do with Kids. I answer W questions with one word if I can no longer puppy eyes or tears business transaction. Is hard but for now it has to be this way or forever who knows what will happen.

I have my good days and bad days is hard but never show W none of them. I don't even ask about W family as much I want too but I don't.

The ER was the first time we been together that long in a room since BD over a year. It was also interesting I would catch W stare at me when with kids laughing or hugging them I could see the hurt in her eyes. W would not even look at me after BD couldn't have more then a 15min conversation without losing it. This forum has really help me detach the old me would have thought the ER visit was a sign to talk about US now I see that's when W would get angry.

About my kids yes I will fight until my last breath I know at this moment W needs to take care of herself first my Kids needs to be with the parent that is stable I always said if it was reverse I hope W would protect our kids the way I am. I pray one day W would see it.

Perhaps a short summary of your situation would help others here reply to you. Without knowing your story I can tell you now that this will take longer than you imagine. Though if you have moved over to mlc, maybe you are starting to grasp that. However be prepared for it to take even longer again. Twice what you think now.

I am not saying this to frighten you, but to point out that you have time. To me there are three stages of getting through this for the lbs. These are not the same as the stages of lbs posted elsewhere on this site. First off you need to survive, then you need to be able to really live within your situation but ultimately your aim is to thrive. All this is independent of what is happening with your WAS.

Basically do what you need to do to survive and keep sane. That does include fighting for the kids to create the best situation possible. Because you have time you can even forget about trying tovsave your M for now. But just be mindful.

I hope you get the support and help you seek.

Best wishes

Roist,
Hello yes I honestly didn't see this coming and it has been a yr and 5 months almost and I read alot some people and even therapist said, Why try to reconcile with someone that broke you but also broken your children's. This is a very true statement I ask myself over and sometimes I feel there is hope and there's days I also say H*ll No I will never get back with W.

A quick recap of my story

Met W 10yrs ago this year would have been 11yrs. Our story was like a love story I seen W across the room at a restaurant and W noticed me. W told Best friend, so one of W friends track me down back then on Myspace and found me.. but what I didn't know W was living with her girlfriend. So little to know W left her for me. So I have also questioned is this basically W patterns. W can't seem to be faithful to anyone.

Well we dated a yr later we where blessed with our first son we adopted together it wasn't plan this I can tell you but I knew s10 was going be my son. We both had great careers W was a veteran and went back to school to work in the funeral industry. And I always been in the business industry corporate world. Then about 3 yrs in the relationship I got another phone about s9 and d10 at the time son was 3yrs old now. I of course didn't think about it we adopted them too. I know it was crazy yrs to adjust we went from 1 child to literally triplets over night they where all so close at age. W was excited about how our family grew W even stayed home for 2yrs. During this time I can say I had a small MLC myself I don't remember much but I had an emotional affair I thought I was in love blah blah blah...but I snap out of it when I had a terrible accident that broke my face almost lost my life I honestly can say I was reborn and spiritually grew it was scary to see myself fighting for my life.

While I recovered W was there I still remember apologizing to W saying am sorry for OW but we never did anything. Little did I know emotional affair is also cheating. So this is the part I played in my part. I remember trying to prove to W I would never do it again. But now I can see when W started to pull away in 2015. W started going out more with friends and new friends younger while I was home recovering and now taking care of 3 kids. I went into depression because I broke my face lost many teeth needed many mouth surgery and facial. W would never be home. I of course ask W to go to therapy W would say to busy.

By 2016 W found a New career W loved and through herself in the job now again new friends only, and younger. I can say that when I became clingy, crying and waiting for W. W would never stay out W would always come home around 2am or 3am.

By 2017 W had shark eyes the kids annoyed her W words. W would yell and pick fights. W would bring up my emotional affair W would say just tell me you F*** her. I would say I know I was wrong for the emotional affair never slept with OW by March 2017 W stated this will not work by April 2017 W announced at dinner table to me and d9,s9 and s8 at the time mommy and I are divorcing W never even told me about the divorce part by then W said I already have an apartment. The next day W didn't come home at all I of course blew up W phone calling her. W stayed all night out. The following day W crab some cloths in closet put in her car and never looked back. By May is only me and the kids now. W took all our savings and checking W stated I left you everything else and you have credit cards.

All of June 2017 I beg and cried kids also beg W please come home. W out of monstering told d10 and s9 I never even wanted you. W told me stop making me love kids I don't want too. From May,June,july and some August 2017 W was gone I only got some text how are kids and sometimes how are you. Again I was fresh I would beg and plead always

Around August that's when I started getting help. And found amazing groups support and detaching. W noticed my backing away. I started following the rules. W then started to call more. So one day W came after I had a big spine surgery I was down. W knew I couldn't fight or even walk. W took s10 with a proposal letter basically saying I'll take him you are responsible for other two. I was like WTF. You can't do that. Well it is that easy to split kids. I didn't have money so sold many things and hired lawyers. By now W is trying to brainwash s10 didn't let me see him or talk to him. By then I filed it took couple months but I knew I was going to fight for full custody. Illinois law is 50/50 state but W is not fit at this moment.

By January 2018 I get s10 every other weekend's W is forced by court to have them every other following weekend while s10 stays with W during school year and s9 and d10 with me. Finally kids have a GAL. We are now in process of court next month for decision who s10 will live with. While all this kids have been in therapy. W and OW moved in together W says W marrying OW to kids. W has stated OW not going anywhere I simply reply I know and walk away.

I know and found out W left in May 2017 W took OW to family reunion on June 2017 saying OW was just a friend. Wow in shock but not really as now I see the time frame. W had OW already.

W has been a MLC monster lots of anger. W childhood was not great W dad alcoholic and beat W mom constantly. This is why W listed in military to get away. W words. W never got help for childhood trauma.

I also can say though this lost. I started therapy a yr ago and alot of my anxiety and anger had to do with my childhood so one thing I got out of this is starting to know myself understand what happened to me as a child wasn't my fault. And I have became a better person and parent for my kids.

Thanks for the background. It'll help people here help you. Some people don't have the time to backtrack threads.

How is your face now?

It does sound like you have taken some good steps along your path. Continue.
I would urge you to be wary about judging W. Maybe she views you as the unstable one!! If I draw the number six on the ground and people looking at it from a different angle would swear that it was a 9. This is a small thing
, tiny in many respects but it could influence your thoughts and actions unconsciously. Therefore best to avoid negative thinking and labels.

Best wishes

Sorry you�re going through this, I�ve been in a similar situation and know how nerve wracking that wait is. I think it�s great you and the kids have gone to therapy. Not only is it good for you but it will look good to the GAL. Mine asked me about it several times. I can�t imagine there are many circumstances in which a GAL would want to split siblings up, especially that close in age. I think something that helped in my case was making sure any concerns I had w/ex were journaled and explained (so it was t like I was tattling on her) and also keeping her up on what I was doing for myself and the kids. I hope the kids are doing alright. GAL interviewed my kids alone a few times in addition to with me so I assume it�s similar for you. That has to be a lot for kids their age to try to understand (maybe that�s good) and deal with. Take care of yourself and kids, and stay positive.

Kyh,
Yes, am not sure if nerve wrecking is the right word. I must say this has been my toughest battle I ever have fought, and I had a pretty F up childhood I survived the streets and my crazy family but this is the worse thing I ever went through and the pain horrible.

When it comes to my kids this momma bear comes out W several times after separating them then W would tske s10 to grandparents house so d10 and s9 would not see him. It took several calls and emails W finally had it written by GAL you can't separate children's and W still didn't understand finally GAL valled W in.

I till this don't know why W did this is gut wrenching to see my kids breakdowns W is just horrible to us.

So taking it a day at a time

Journaling,

So since ER scare W been different, W sents me text about D10,S10 and S9 school supplies W stated,

W I purchased there supplies for school and brought cloths for d10,s10 and s9 FYI
M didn't see W message
W Is that ok with you
M Yes thank you I have s10,d10 and s9 school supplies and book bag ready.
W so do I return them back
W helllllo
Me is up to you if kids want them and is ok with you they can keep but if you like to return is ok also kids already have there bags ready for school.
W so should I return and purchase them cloths
M is all up to them and you.
W ok thank you GN

I must say 1yr and 5 months since BD this has been the most we text, I noticed that W calls our children's Them. Where I say my Trios. Is weird W is being nice but when W is nice it means W wants or need something. Or maybe W might have finally realized the day of ER W would watch kids and I I would catch W staring at us play or talk ir us 4 laughing. Not sure what W was thinking but speaking for myself I would have told myself fight for your family or wow marina you really f up must fight for your W and kids. But I know W has many more years for W to see especially my W she is stubborn never wrong. And W pride is her biggest enemy W is to prideful W also is a Leo sign and it fits W right in.

Have you read any of Wonka's threads over on Newcomers as well as here? You might want to do a search of her threads. I think that they may help you a bit.

Wanted to share this quote.

Forgiving them isn't the hard part it's trusting them Again.

The quote...so very true.

My goodness, that is not much of a support group.

I had a string of expletives typed to discribe what I thought of them.

You sure don�t need that kind of treatment. I am glad to see you turning the other cheek and continuing along.

I feel for you and your kids and hope it get resolved soon.

The latest text exchange seems very amicable. I am with you, something is amiss. You know - don�t believe anything they say and only half of what they do. Her actions will tell the tale.

Keep on detaching girl you�re doing fine.

(((marina7)))

Originally Posted by marina7

When it comes to my kids this momma bear comes out W several times after separating them then W would tske s10 to grandparents house so d10 and s9 would not see him. It took several calls and emails W finally had it written by GAL you can't separate children's and W still didn't understand finally GAL valled W in.

I till this don't know why W did this is gut wrenching to see my kids breakdowns W is just horrible to us.

So taking it a day at a time

That�s terrible she would keep the kids apart, who would do that? The only good thing is I�m sure the GAL took note. My ex would do things to hurt her case all the time, it sounds like yours is probabaly doing the same. Keep being there for your trio. Are you supposed to get a decision before school? Something that helped me wait was getting in the mindset that the decision was going to go my way and I was just waiting to get the letter.

My ex has gotten better better but for a few time she was also treating the kids like property. I�m sure this is how she was treated as a child.

Kyh,
Thank you, yeah I know W was told kids stay together on visit W broke that around 5 times and everytime W would say I didn't know that's what GAL meant SMH.

I till this day break my head trying to understand why or how a mother can do that to kids, my kids already had a rough life before adoption and W still manage to hurt them.

I been doing all of the above keeping kids together all I want is my kids to stay together because they only have each other after W and I die.

But one thing you said Kyh, W was brought up with siblings but they are not close at all and MIL since I know them has always put them against each other is sad to see this happening.

Journaling,
So as I said earlier since ER scare with s10 W been different, W sent me a pictures of kids I of course said thank you W replied wow they growing so fast where is time going. I replied Yes they are

I don't want to think much of it but this is new since BD

marina7, I was wondering about pictures.

Do you and her exchange pictures often or is that new?

Or is the talking of the kids growing up so fast the new behaviour?

For me, aside from S17�s grad, W has not asked for, taken, or shared any pictures with me or the kids.

Like your W, she is going to wonder where the time went.

I do believe that MLCers are living in their past. The behaviour, clothes, mannerisms all point to their younger selves. Once in a while they float back to the present for a brief time, and I suspect feel a lot like rip van winkle. This of course leads to more confusion and stress and off they go again.

As you know, just let W do what she has to do.

DnJ,
Thank you for replying to my question,
Yes all New behavior very weird and nice but so confusing to kids and myself. W never ask for pictures. Like many of us at BD we do all the wrong things I know I did I sent pictures of kids and us. W said stop texting me so over a year ago no pictures at all or even text W very cold and angry and monstering mode. Now W is actually trying to make eye contact talk more and the text.

Also court is soon about s10 which also makes me wonder. But the kids said W was nice to us, mom sometimes yeld and scream but was nice. But on interesting note s10 is very quiet but today was different for him he was angry about OW tell W what to do or say. I of course don't ask questions I just listen and all 3 confirm OW tells W where they going est or going blah blah blah... ut pretty crazy W was not the one you told what to do.

I know this is confusing the kids and even me. When am pulled away W has a way of playing with our emotions.

New behaviour and nice is worrysome. MLCers can be very manipulative to get what they want or need at that moment in time. Tread cautiously. I am concerned she is being nice due to upcoming court date.

So a year basically without texts or pictures, and now she sends some. I can see how it is confusing you. Focus on you and kids.

She is still in her tunnel and has a long way to go.

Originally Posted by marina7

When am pulled away W has a way of playing with our emotions.

You�ve read my sitch, so you have read my thoughts on detachment. Being accurate in thought and feelings will bring clarity and detachment.

From above, W does not have a way of playing with your emotions. You control what you think and feel. Do not give her power over you, or control or influence over your feelings.

Yes our spouses can and do hurt us, but it is ourselves that prolong that hurt and suffering. Realizing that will allow you to greatly regain control of your feelings and thoughts.

In an attempt to be more clear: Your W does something hurtful towards you. You then feel hurt. You see, you create the feeling of being hurt, panicked, etc. She can�t create the feeling inside of you, only you can do that.

So since you create the feelings, you can lessen, and eventually not even create the feelings - Detachment.

Journaling,

Today interesting day.
I pick kids up yesterday W stated she got them there school supplies well well thank God I did W purchase things they didn't need and purchase s9 a kindergartener backpack. I do appreciate W tried. I am grateful.

But today W went from sending pictures and texting to nasty text. I sent W a text saying

M. Hi needed to take d10 to clinic d10 has strep throat and nasty infection lots of antibiotics please change their toothbrush so boys won't get strep throat.
W. Ok when did you take d10
M earlier today around 5pm
W I appreciate it I get a phone call while you driving there.
M I understand but that was the time you where supposed to call them I was going to tell you but my focus was on d10 because fever was 102 she was my concern.
W well some of us work, I have bills and now child support and I don't have to check in with you. And I am no longer allowing you to bully me. Or be a monster to me. I know I have to take care of myself now. Blah blah

W went off about me bullying. Everyone us bulling her. How I didn't want s10 how I didn't let her talk to d10 and s9 mind you I have letter of my free consultation and I filed when I had the money , also I have text and emails when W stated she wanted to be left alone wirh s10 and for me ro forget him. Yes you read this right W wanted me to leave her alone with s10. And for me ro move on with my life with d10 and s9.

W is realizing court hearing is soon. I was the one that has file 7 petitions.
1 full custody
2. Abandonment of children
3 child support
4 W pays for lawyers
5 W pays for GAL
6 W pays kids therapist
7 W can't leave state with children and drop off to anyone when W can't watch them.

And all this can go away if W gives me s10 back to be with his siblings and W gets 50 I get 50 I honestly want my s10 home.

Journaling,

Well after W text last night we met today at drop off. I was very nice still. W ask how d10 was feeling but d10 is with me so why not ask our daughter after giving s10 a hug and saying see you Friday buddy. W ask can we talk. Again W is different person not sure who I get. So I ask my kids guys go in car and wait. I waited till door closed

W why do you gotta always make me look like a bad mom
M I am not I am making sure our kids are physically and mentally ok I need to be there lighthouse
W you make it seem like am a horrible mom
M sorry you feel that way I am just trying my best to keep kids together that's all just trying to be there for them
W says please stop telling kids I had a great childhood you don't know what I went through or gone through.
M I am sorry you feel that way. But they are only 10 and 9yrs old I don't think our kids needs to hear your dad is an alcoholic and beat your mom for 18yrs and you where sexually abused by family member, I am sorry they only kids but I also know that one day our children's will have to know the truth but at the moment they are only kids
W silence
M again sorry that you think that I think you had a great childhood I acknowledge what you went through and you as a child shouldn't have that happen. Now you understand why I want our kids to know that life isn't perfect but also give them the childhood you didn't have that was rob from you. Again am sorry.
W silence
M ok have a good day
W ok let me know how she keeps feeling

Now I honestly don't know what stage W is in but I also have came to the conclusion I have ro learn to live life without W her childhood might be so damaging W maybe will never face her demons. But my faith is strong I know with God anything is possible.

As I stated before this is hard I always been a fixer and to see W so broken I break behind close doors. I ask God and talk with him. Please God help her fight this our kids need her, I freaking miss W I do but is this damage to much I ask myself.

I just want to hug her and say W your safe with me I got you I promise I won't hurt you or let anyone ever hurt you I am here now I promise. But I know I can't I just have to sit there and maybe if that day ever come the lighthouse light will still be on waiting for her return.

Tomorrow is another day, One day at a time

Hi marina7

Good thing you purchased the school supplies. A lot of times the MLCer flakes out and you can�t count on them. If it is something that needs to get done, best you do it.

Sorry you got some nasty texts. I think you know it is par for the course.

Good for you to realize that you never know who you are going to get. They do change, and sometimes really quick - like in one sentence.

For you most recent conversation, a little advice / suggestions. Don�t worry you did fine, just some tips for next time.

W why do you gotta always make me look like a bad mom
M I am not I am making sure our kids are physically and mentally ok I need to be there lighthouse

Do not argue with her. Pretty much anything that starts with �I am not� is going to increase confrontation. She also doesn�t want an answer, well not the real answer.

Try thinking of her as an angry teenager. Imagine a teen asking �why you always gotta make me look like a bad kids by being in my face about loading the dishwasher?�. So an answer �I am not in your face I am just trying to make the house clean and ensure there are dishes for tomorrow.� Is probably just going to make everyone p!ssed off and not get the dishwasher loaded any better in the future.

Did you notice she how absolute she is? �You gotta always�. Really always? Hmmm. It is her view of reality and that is all that matters to her. Validation is a tricky thing.

W you make it seem like am a horrible mom
M sorry you feel that way I am just trying my best to keep kids together that's all just trying to be there for them

Good job on acknowledging her feelings. However you telling her how you are trying to keep kids together is too much for her. Don�t worry she knows she is a horrible mom, she can�t face it and is trying to blame you.

Maybe something like �I am sorry you feel that way. I did not realize. What can I do differently?� Of course she may have answered that below.

W says please stop telling kids I had a great childhood you don't know what I went through or gone through.
M I am sorry you feel that way. But they are only 10 and 9yrs old I don't think our kids needs to hear your dad is an alcoholic and beat your mom for 18yrs and you where sexually abused by family member, I am sorry they only kids but I also know that one day our children's will have to know the truth but at the moment they are only kids

I get that you want to tell her all that, plus a whole lot more (I know I sure want too with my W). She can�t take it.

She is talking about her childhood. Listen. Really listen. She will tell you lots.

�You are right, I do not know what you went through as a child. I am sorry, I will stop.� That may be a better approach.

W is self centred, selfish, and will not be able to see things from a different viewpoint. Her conversation is about her, it is what she wants to talk about. Validate her as best you can. You don�t have to agree or condone, just make her view valid, to let her know you see her viewpoint.

She is angry. The nasty texts, accusing you of bullying, and so on. It is tough to take. However she does need to get it out of her system. Let her vent. Stay calm, and do not give her any justification. You are doing well with this. If she pushes too far and gets disrespectful you can call her on it and end the conversation.

As I said, you are doing well, that was just some ideas for next time.

Originally Posted by marina7

I just want to hug her and say W your safe with me I got you I promise I won't hurt you or let anyone ever hurt you I am here now I promise. But I know I can't I just have to sit there and maybe if that day ever come the lighthouse light will still be on waiting for her return.

This ^^^. I understand the pain, sorrow, and missing her - I really do. You need to work pass this. There is no easy way, going through it is the only way to the other side.

Do not �I just have to sit there...� -

You keep moving forward.

You live life fully and keep focus on you and the kids.

You work on detachment.

You be the best you will be.

You be that lighthouse.

And most important, You do it for you.

(((marina7)))

Hi Marina

Dealing with childhood issues is very painful
Many people in MLC or not will never dare to go back to such painful memories and try to heal-
Many say MLC is caused by unresolved childhood trauma

You did excellent in the conversation
You can not fix her-

We as the LBS have to be the light for our kids
Usually, the MLC can offer nothing as the way of a parent
Sometimes they can share the co parenting, but I rarely see this on these boards

Bottom line is continue to work on you
Prepare to let her go, she may return, you will get more information as time goes on
But usually the MLC gets worse, before better
some will never recover-

DnJ

Thank you so much,

Yes I realize it after I got in the car I was like dam it.... but also I am scared that W will spill her guts to kids about her childhood I wanted W to know you can't tell our kids this they are to young only 10 yrs old and 9yrs old all 3 are so young. But I also know that W is not herself

I won't lie it hurted ao bad about that text the bullying part and controlling part. Not sure why because I never did. But the thought that W literally rewrote our stort it sadden me. I till this day respect W have never called W out her name always made sure W and kids where my first priority.

Is like when I seen W and W said about her childhood I honestly been her protector I wanted to say " I am here your safe I got you I wouldn't ever never let anyone hurt you" but I knew I can't at this moment.

I knew what W has gone through 10yrs ago when we got serious I knew all this so this was a reason I didn't drink I wanted W to see I will never be an alcoholic. Or ever touch her I tried not to raise my voice or stand in front of her when we argued because I knew what W did to her mom. I made sure I never did anything to make W feel insecure or even a little hence that I would hurt her.

Crazy after all I did I still wasn't good enough or to good for W.

Well d10 had a break down last night my three kids are like me when it comes to solutions and being fixers.
D10 mommy why did mom ask how I was when I was there. Is like mom doesn't want to talk to me she hates me
M big hug for d10 kiss in forehead let her cry and scream while d10 hug me tight.
M to d10 you want answers
D10 yes why why did mom just leave us
M you had to grow up really quick the last yr and 5 months and we might never get answers because guess what am also that way I need answers you have one of my traits you three have to remember something always that I am learning myself. " Is not your fault, you did nothing there was nothing you or your brother's or me that could have made mom stay.
D10 am scared mommy you might leave us too
M is ok to fear and be scared and my job is to remind you I will never go anywhere, I am here forever and guess what you three are stuck with this mommy.
D10 chuckle, laugh and squeeze me tight
M remember one day at a time and not your fault
D10 will mom ever be back to herself
M d10 I have told you three I will never lie to you, I don't have the answer to that question but remember with God always anything is possible.
D10 mommy thank you for everything you do and making sure we are safe and caring for us.
M d10 thank you for recognizing me I am trying my best. I know as a parent I will never be perfect but am trying one day at a time
D10 mommy you are perfect.
M thank you my little Angel
D10 mommy is ok to cry
M tears running down my face I know I just don't like doing it in front of you three but I do. I am hurt also like you and saf and mad and I want answers but I am learning that we may never get answers.
D10 yeah I learning from you alot. You have lots of patience for Mom, she is mean
M sorry you feel that way
D10 one more hug before night night
M ok big hug

I tucked s9 to bed
S9 Thank you mommy
M welcome baby
S9 good night
M good night my sweet boy

I look over and s10 bed empty I walk downstairs with tears running down my face, telling myself this is just not right. Is sad to not have s10 with us. I know there's a plan and court soon. But the thought W did this I thought it was ok and we are now at court about to go to trial and knowing W might be seen as unfit parent and could never see our children again makes me sick. I know that I never intentionally wanted to hurt W but I also know I am a mom first kids come first I tried very hard to do this without court or cps but W cause this by trying to take s10 and his sibilings away from each other. I know am doing the right thing. It just still hurts to know things had to go this far. W might lose everything I know she loves.

Peace,
Thank you for your kind words.

I am now a little scare of W spilling her guts to our kids about her childhood. I honestly can't imagine if W does how would kids react.

I know what W been through we talk about this 10yrs ago I knew dad was alcoholic, I was told by MIL did W tell you her dad beat me every day almost while W was having emergency surgery mil thought this was the time to tell me all this I now think MIL was going scare me away but I stood besides W. During marriage I would see MIL putting W and her sibilings against each other. I knew this before we adopted kids. I knew W and I had a strong bond because W knew about my childhood never kept secret and I knew about W childhood unfortunately some of us are stronger and wiser I have stayed away from my biological mom and family because they are almost like W family they cause more damage then doing good.

Where W always wants to please mom and dad. I thought because W was a Marines W was mentally stronger but I guess I was so wrong I thought we could have overcome all our childhood demons. I wanted us to be what our parents were not. But I only fooled myself.

DnJ

Thank you again as you can see am afraid W will vent her childhood to our kids all I can do is pray to God that W will not tell them at the moment. I know one day they will have to know my childhood and W childhood but just not right they to young and already going through so much.

I honestly feel and also told my therapist. I think W wants our kids to hurt like she hurted when W was a child. So sad

Thank you again all my brothers and sisters in here I am just a LBS trying to survive in this world and being a better person for my kids. I take all advice as you reaI have no many families I can count on. I do have an amazing step mom that's been there for me but also I know she is a mom that hates to see her daughter hurting and grandkids so I try to not say much my step mom lives in Texas. And mom has ask me to move over there with kids but unfortunately that is one of W demands not move out of state with children's unless she moves WTF I can't move but if you then I can.

Journaling,

When I think W might realize what she has done is wrong separating kids, leaving us. W is back as BD.

As we know court soon. S10 started school I ask for pictures nothing. Then I called s10 yesterday to talk to him and d10 and s9 to speak with him. I didn't get a call after 9pm then W text pretending she didn't know kids had a schedule. For 9yrs our kids been in bed scheduled. I simply replied they in bed at 8:30. W monstering text as this.

W I didn't know kids have a schedule, also I will not be available for you to speak to s10 as I have work and a life, I also shouldn't give you any reasons. And at your beck and call. Also I ask you to remain flexibility as the situation arise. Also I am not ok not able to speak with my children there you go keeping them from speaking with me. Also I don't want kids speaking to each other about how they going be together one day. You should stop them from talking when this is not set stone in court. Thank you.

Sooooo ummmmm nope I didn't even replied sorry there is nothing to say to W. As I know W is once again isolating s10 once again from me and his siblings is so sad. I have reread W text contradicted everything literally. W wants to have a life but I am suppose to be available when W calls or text. I am now confirmed W is to far gone. I know theirs many stages so will you say W is in reply. This was W last year keeping kids away from each other not letting me speak with him. I am at all.

And in the process our kids hurting d10 crying herself to sleep her brother is her twin she misses him s9 acting up. And in process W can only think of herself her life.

As I said I simply don't have any words to say to W,
W has always felt she is above the law
W doesn't care of the consequences and am done trying to protect her from kids hearing any negativity I try so hard to make so many excuses when W f up.

I am truly done there is no hope for even us to be friends or business partners W is off her rockers.

Your wife feels entitled and wants you to be available for her at any time and whenever she needs something. She is very selfish and she is using your s10 to get to you. My advice document everything. If you can, print off the emails and text messages so that you have written proof of her behavior.

The one thing that stands out to me is that she wants s10 all to herself and doesn't want to share his time and attention w/the others and w/you. Yes, people in crisis do this...they select one child and that's it to care about.

I suspect that she's still angry and resentful that her life hasn't been a bed of roses and she has a mix of replay in the mix. However, if she is in full blown replay, she would be doing a whole lot of stuff to satisfy her urge for happiness.

If she posts again, just say "I am sorry you feel that way". She is pushing you to fight w/her in order to justify what she's doing. I would suggest that you stop making excuses for her when she fxcks up. It's her circus to deal w/and definitely her monkeys. Keep your side of the street clean and do the best you can when you have the children. I wouldn't share too much w/them, but if they ask questions, answer them as best you can.

I am so sorry she's monstering, but some of them are this way.

Hi Marina

The parenting thing is difficult
You seem like you are doing a good job-
you are there for them-
All the kids need is one available grounded parent and they usually will let go of the MLCer
Continue to be the rock for your kids

Im sorry W has taken S10- that must be so painful-
I hope the situation will resolve for the best-

I have raised my kids alone from ages 5 and 11
they are now 17 and 23
They are both doing very well-

Things do eventually resolve and usually in the favor of the LBS
As time goes on the MLCer gets worse and many will let go of all responsibility and kids to LBS
I hope that will be the case for you-
hang in there

Thank you again,

Job
Yes that is something I knew W used her military back ground alot. Also her race especially whats going on about the Trump wall.

W uses everything to her advantage is pretty crazy. We are different cultures but one thing I know I raise our kids Americans because we are in America. W believes are very different. I can see where W wants to raise s10 her family way.

Also s10 is very quiet not out spoken stays to himself. Tries to avoid conflict he is alot like me. W always controlled everything.

Peace,
Yes, when having kids involved is hard. I can say I am not sure I would be here if no kids where not involved.

I do love my W but I am no longer in love with W , W has caused so much hurt and damage is crazy.

I am getting as much help from support groups, reading, therapy and church for us to get through this. I won't lie is hard. Being sick and raising kids but I been doing it for over a year

I am not sure if W will get better or even worse W had two open case with CPS W hurt s9 unfortunately the child system has failed us. Basically he said, she said. I am not sure how worse this can get. But nothing surprises me anymore.

I am learning not to reply to text when W starts monstering or walk away. As I told my lawyers I no longer can entertain W.

My focus is our children's to raise them my best so our kids will not grow up and they go through a MLC themselves this is my fear due to W behavior and actions will affect our kids future. D10 and s9 feels W hates them because she chose s10. So I know this will be a issue in the future so this is a topic we talk in therapy. I just want them to have a normal childhood. And simply be kids.

Journaling,

I wonder sometimes when will this nightmare be over or dealing with W.
Anything I do or say W goes off unfortunately I need to keep W updated on kids.
Pickup s10 has sore in mouth and positive on strep throat. W response to text.

M s10 has strep now all kids are in antibiotics please her them new toothbrushes.
W. When did you take, what time why is they always sick with you. You always making me look bad blah blah.

No response at all. First strep throat takes days for them to get I just pick up s10 with
Sores in mouth and fever. How in the hell I am making up.

Now I also know kids are under stress of course they are sick.
Everytime when I think finally things are going get better W has a way of snapping
Instead of simply saying OK.

I do lots of reading, therapy and groups sometimes I wonder if we be better
If W just vanish like W did in the beginning. I know it will be hard on kids but
This is ridiculous the back and forth.

It so hard having a MLC and having young kids involved. There's no way I can
Go dark or no contact. Is so hard to have a GAL I pray soon court be over and Kids and
I can move on with life. Kids and I need it. We need peace

Marina

Mlc takes a long time

Right now you and the kids are still adjusting and grieving

You will get moments of peace for a while in between the pain-
Then its over.

The LBS spouse lets go..The LBS moves on sometimes in new R
sometimes alone- up to us and what we want
The MLCer continues spinning, some for quite a while-

So when you are really done you will let go
In the mean time Therapy, hobbies, exercise, church, support groups coda/alanon/some kind of meetings (these are phone and online also) if you cant get out and they are all day long at different times
meditation, planning fun activities for kids and alone, make new friends ect..
watch fun movies
distract yourself..listen to positive speakers on u tube
Joel Olsteen, Inky Johnson, Les brown, Anthony Robbins,

The LBS always seem to get to the other side-
you will too

Peace,
Thank you, will look up those other support groups.
I am tired, literally it's been over a year more emotionally tired
There's days W makes me tired. Like Wtf take care of our kids when they with you.

Just tired and frustrated today.

Journaling,

What a busy day. S10,d10 are 5th grader and s9 4th grader.
Another year W missed out on amazing kids.

Well called s10 we talk and laugh. Of course siblings talk with s10
They are laughing while talking s9 says can we talk to mom
W gets on like nothing. Conversation I hear because I am in the kitchen I try to not pay attention but conversation
went something like this.

S9 is mom there
S10 yeah wanna say hi
S9 yes
D10 quite
W hey guys who is this
D10 ummm your daughter
S9 your son
W hey how was your day.
S9 good first day of school
W I know your teacher name starts with a Ke...
S9 No starts with G....
W oh I must of confused it with d10
D10 ummm no mine starts with S
W well anyways remember get better grades than last year
D10 I was an honor all year highest honor for the whole school.
W well try to get better grades
D10 didn't you hear me. I was honor roles
W yes then get better be better listen sit in the front blah blah.
D10 breaks down crying Why Why is nothing good enough and runs to room
S9 hangs up
M what's going on
S9 mom nothing we do is good enough
W calls back Hello
M hello,
W what happen
M you tell me
W I just said get better grades
M W our d was honor roles our d trying so hard to please you just encourage her
W Put d on phone
M I sit phone down and told D listen to mom what she gotta say
W you misunderstood me. I said get better grades and you didn't have to cry
D I am trying I can't get better than A....
W you didn't have to cry
D I do have feelings you hurt my feelings why do you act this way. I am sorry I don't wanna talk with you now. I love you by mom. Hangs up.
D runs to me and just hugs me tight and crying
M I am sorry you all have to go through this, but remember you make me so so proud I have 3 amazing kids. So remember nothing you do. Mommy just needs to figure things out.
D it hurts so bad
M I know I am here.
Lots of hugs and kisses

Now this was interesting W was never good enough for MIL W is 38 and still trying to
Please MIL. Her conversation with D I bet it was same with W mom. Smh

Taking a walk sometimes I feel sad for W but when W hurts my kids I can't see W past.

marina7 - I am sorry about the latest conversation between W and kids. It is sad to see the kids get upset. As more and more time goes by W gets more and more out of touch with their lives. The kids know this, they can see it, and they will call her on it.

I think you are doing exactly what you should - Love your children, hug them lots, keep encouraging them, let them know this is not their fault, and try to help them see that W is probably doing the best she can.

You are giving them a good understanding on which to build acceptance and coping skills for what is going on in their lives.

Keep being a good role model, they are watching, and they will make it.

Journaling,

Well it's been quiet over here. Literally quite

W doesn't and has not said a word to me at drop off or pick up. Just the shark eyes.
I guess she back at to who she was at BD.

I been trying to do self care is hard when young children involved.
I went to a Snowflake mind and spiritual healing felt great.

Then me and my bff went to a bar where mobsters lived and hidden body lol nice spot and the history
We talk and laugh. My bf says so proud of your progress.

Well everyone wish me luck and keep me in ya prayers if anyone does here. Mediation on Friday.

Hi Marina,

I�m glad you found some time for yourself at the retreat. I�ve been wondering about your situation and will be thinking of you and your trio this week. I know how hard the wait is, stay positive!!

Kyh,
Well court was rescheduled due to GAL needed more time

Finally Mediation in GAL with W.
I been worrying about W behavior there's day I wonder if she rather me ve dead.

Well only God knows what he has plan.

W lately very standoffish. No eye contact and her behavior is back to what it was
on bd.

Very crazy, W talks with kids less than 2min
Hi and bye is like pulling teeth for W to speak with s9 and d10

D10 knows and sees W bs and times her. D10 watches the time and says yelp
less than 2min. It sad to see d10 angry but I think d10 is more hurt.

S9 is in lalala land. S9 says ok bye. D10 needs more approval looking for W it's sad.

W sounds depressed this is the part I will never get.
MLC at bd I am unhappy, I need to find myself but they seem miserable.

Well mentally preparing myself for mediation and praying things go well for our Trio's
my focus is on them. At this moment I have let go of W. I must put
Myself and kids first, W needs to find herself but W must admit to needing help
Which I will never see W doing.

Journaling, and any advice

It's been an emotional wreck in my home.

Mediation for W and I.
I role played with my therapist,therapist pretended to be W to prepare me for Friday. Oh wow
I am an emotional wreck. I have anxiety. I quickly put head down down whe n therapist yeld
like W would. My therapist is so shock how much PTSD I have. Basically mental and verbal abuse.

D10 has been having break down pushing herself already in school. D10 said to me after I responded getting a B in exam is not bad. D10 said mom that is unacceptable other mom doesn't accept nothing but A...

I of course listen to D10 and then said listen d10 you are beautiful, smart and AMAZING remember
Do this for you d10. Get A in report cards for you. All this is for you because this momma
right here is proud to call you my daughter my little princess. I am the lucky one.
D10 smiled and hig me and said only you can make me feel better.

And when things settle it hits me. W has really did a number on us. W has mentally broken me and kids.
W still talks down to us. W demands and yells.
In the process W going through her MLC W has broken us.

I am tired I am exhausted. I am praying that W one day will wake up from this.
Because this is taking a toll on my d10. My d10 is pushing herself for her mom to notice her.
In reality W is to deep in that hole..

One day at a time
One minute at a time
One second at a time
Just breathe

Something that helped me with the anxiety and racing thoughts when I was waiting for the GAL�s decision was to visualize things going in my favor. Maybe try to envision your mediation going how you want it to go, if your afraid your w will monster visualize how you will calmly respond and steer it where you want etc.

Im sorry about what she is doing to d w/grades. Your doing a good job being a rock for your kids keep it up!

Hello marina7

The role playing with therapist had a great outcome - much better to see all that anxiety before mediation. Now you know, now you can prepare, knowledge really is power.

I do agree with Kyh, visualization is a powerful tool. Both positive and negative, so be careful. We all tend to focus on what might happen, what could go wrong, that sort of thing, we don�t focus much on what might happen on the positive side of all this. Try not to get lost in the doom and gloom.

Yes prepare on what might happen, when and if W monsters. You cannot stop or control W getting angry, let it go. Focus on your response (not reaction) to her. As Kyh said, remain calm and steer thing where you need them to go.

Make it through the meeting, you can breakdown and cry later when you get home. You might just find that you don�t need to as much as you are imagining.

I would like to speak about D10 a bit. From what I read she is a smart driven girl. She is pushing herself for good grades, I think you see she doesn�t need more pushing. She is looking for approval from other Mom, to be noticed.

You are the safe and sane parent, you need to provide the noticing, approval, and guidance D10, S10, and S9 require.

Whenever kids reach out to you, whatever it is, that is the most important thing in their life at that moment. They are pretty good in asking for what they need emotionally, we just need to listen.

D10 is wanting other Mom�s approval, not much you do to make that happen. Focus on what you can do, praise her, notice her.

You are doing really good.

Best of luck in upcoming meeting.

(((marina7)))

DnJ

Thank you kyh,DnJ

Yes you are right and that's been my problem anxiety gets the best of me. And then anger how can W separate kids and Illinois law failed me making me jump through hoops to get our son back and keep kids together. Is just sad.

Ok I'll write more headings to more therapy.

And trying to prepare myself for tomorrow not to show W tears, stay firm on what my proposal is to keep our trio's together.

Kyh,
I see you had a GAL, any advice you will give.

I am staying positive and focusing on the topic
and reason for mediation which is keeping the Trios together

W yesterday sent me a text, I might over read it wrong but W text was

W. S10 is off school Monday would you like to keep him an
extra day, and from now on I would like to have every other holiday.
M yes I would love to have our son.

This is usually our conversation or text. W ways
W will give but wants something in return.
I didn't respond to holidays because I feel
GAL will make best decision for kids

Also our kids are young but all three have made it clear they love W
But Thanksgiving,Xmas and New years and all special holidays
for them they want to be with me.

So in Illinois when kids turn 13 yrs old they make decisions themselves
I am wondering do I give W the holidays W wants and wait till
Kids old enough or keep doing what's best for kids and GAL advice

I just want to show GAL and judge what's best for kids.
I just want kids happy. I know our children's need
both parents. Even though W has treated us horrible
this is not my feelings is my kids feelings.

This is New to me. I also know judge and GAL see a healthy relationship with
Kids can't be to over protective with kids.

I'll be honest holding my tears will be hard. I am very
Emotional when it comes to kids W knows that.

How can I not cry knowing the hurt W caused our kids

Less than 19hrs away from Mediation
I'll take all advice I can.

Some practicalities - get a good night sleep, being well rested and alert will pay off huge. Show up a bit early, plan it that way incase traffic or something happens you won�t be stressed about being late (you have enough stress already don�t add to it). As for stress, let it go. What will happen - will happen. You are prepared and ready, I do not believe cramming for an exam works. Be sincere and remember why you are there, keep it together you are way stronger than you are giving yourself credit for.

Hi Marina,

The GAL told me most of the time she sees cases of people tattling on each other and things turn into he said she said. It goes without saying but don�t get sucked into that. I always made sure I never talked bad about ex (I never have or will though) and that the concerns I brought up about ex were valid. Ex fulfilled my concerns so that showed a lot to the GAL. I also owned up to anything I should, none of us are perfect and they know that. I don't Know how much your GAL talked to your kids but mine came to our house and met with them several times both with me or ex or the two of them. Hopefully yours spoke with your trio. I don�t know how many times we met, she called a lot of people to ask about ex and I.

I also printed all of ex�s crazy emails and gave my journal to the GAL during our initial meetings. I�m not saying to go in with accusations or anything but be to able to back up anything you say.

If you need to, make a list of discussion points etc as things are easy to forget in meetings like this.

Try to stay calm and collected, and be yourself it will speak volumes.

You�re going to do great tomorrow! You've got this! Will be thinking of you and your trio.

Good luck today! Stay calm, keep your voice level and hold your head up high. You've done nothing wrong.

Hi Marina,

How are you doing?

Thank you kyh,DnJ and job for supportive words.

Well must say Illinois law us 50/50 no matter if one parent is doing wrong or whatever the case is. Just to update during mediation W blame me for everything,

W, You broke me I will not allow you anymore to bully me and control me. You are horrible to me. I freaking loved you I worshipped the ground you walk in. No more I am done we will never be together. I know what I want. Blah blah

M I am sorry you feel that way.

W. You see your heartless. Only God knows if something ever happens to you I would die. You mean everything to us.

M quite.

Mediation. I recommend Therapy for both of you there's lots of hurt W.
W No I am angry
Mediation you both need therapy I am recommending both only you and W.

W crying uncontrollably

M holding tears. Using my marbles and meditation while mediator is talking.

Well in all this W is hurting kids. Little did I know W has been in contact with biological parents of trios and says kids should meet them. Wtf and guess what I can't do nothing not even I can stop it as long W is there at visit and supervised.

Basically I must sit back and let W F up kids life. While W destroying life I must be the glue for my kids.
Mediation agree kids must stay together so now is either I move to be W neighbor or W moves to be mines so kids will be 1 week on and off. And if trios want to see W or me during any of our weeks they can.

Hahaha this is a f***ing nightmare. Mediator called me because I was quite I basically said what is there to say. As long our kids are together. Mediator said there's lots of hurt and I see you both love your kids alot. And my opinion this marriage can be saved......

Nope nope nope ... W is a narcissist really controlling and can manipulate everyone. One minute I broke her She hates me so much she would move away but W said I can't because of kids. Then W says if anything happens to you I would die. Yes I am sick I have seizures and MS I just had spine surgery more to come.

What I wanted to say wow when you really love someone you don't hurt them.

To me it was a waste not once W acknowledged her 50 percent, W said I kept kids away, I told her to take s10 I keep kids away. Everything was my fault. I honestly will tell you that I did shut down.

I came from a chaos family physically and mentally Abused so when W yells screams and waves hands around I emotionally shut down. During mediation that is exactly what happen. I must hang in co parenting with a narcissist or mlc or whatever W is but in the process I am being mentally drained. I cried all weekend even thinking must I walk away from my kids to save me. I am depressed I feel W wins we are 50/50 we must be neighbors for kids. But in this process I am going to go crazy myself. with W.

Again Illinois law changed 2yrs ago there's no such thing as full custody or anything is 50/50 not even if a parent is f up. Welcome to my world. Lol I must laugh or cry about this.

Hi again,
I�m glad to read your trio will be together! I�m sorry it didn�t go like you wanted and about her projection but keeping the kids together was the most important thing. I know it seems like it will be hard but you will grow and become stonger from this than you ever could�ve imagined. Don�t sit back and let w f up the kids lives! you can�t control what your ex does but you can grow and be a stable person for your kids and they will pick it up immediately, and the real payoff is long-term.

The coparenting (whatever that is) will work out, sometimes i think ex and I are coparenting and other times it�s single parenting and mlc ex spouse management. It can change like a switch and it�s not easy but as you detach from your situation things will keep getting better. You�re going to be okay:) focus on what you got and try to catch up on your rest. You�ll feel better and see things more clear when you do (at least I did), the GAL decision takes so long and it drains you every second of it.

Marina,

I see a lot of catastrophizing going on in your post, and I think that is probably understandable in view of it having just happened, but things are likely to be nowhere as bad as you fear and not as good as you had hoped.

Mediation is not normally binding. If you don't like what has been agreed to, talk to your lawyer about the chance to get something different from the court in view of the events that have transpired. Mediators do generally try to split the proverbial baby. I quickly looked at the statute (and practice there may deviate) but they can give more decision-making power to one parent and can change residential time if the circumstances warrant.

Keep in mind too that just because she may get half custody, does not mean that is what she will use. She may turn out to be flaky and take them only a fraction of the time. Three kids 9/10 would be very difficult for anyone to handle, even in the best of circumstances.

Also, try not to see the children meeting the bio parents as a bad thing. Adopted children always have those questions: who are they, what are they doing, why didn't they want me, are there other children. Sometimes seeing someone for yourself in all of their foibles is best. They will not romanticize what has transpired. Sounds like your kids do really see what is going on and really do understand who is the supportive parent. I think you just keep showing that through your actions.

You may find that you like having some time to yourself to recharge, heal from your ailments, work, seek entertainment, etc.

Document, document, document. If you find that things are as bad as you imagine, then move for a modification. As far as I know, child support and custody are always modifiable because it is understood that circumstances do change.

Try to focus on the positives. If you do resolve the issue through mediation, you save the time and money of court. You have reunited the children, which you've said was your goal. You've secured alone time with all the children. I assume there were also some resolutions on the financial side of things.

Now for a gentle 2x4. Still too much care going on about the W. She fired you. She is a mess. She is going to do what she is going to do. You can't change the outcome on your own. Only time and distance will tell you where this ends. Keep working on detachment and focusing on your, your kids, and that unit's happiness.

Now be proud of yourself for being an advocate for your kids and for fighting for what is right. Be happy you've made it through this stage. Enjoy them. The time goes by faster and faster the older they get.

OneArt,

Yes I am upset who wouldn't be, W left kids and then separated them and now W is the Victim.

Ok I am learning I can't control W actions. Yes kids are together that is what I wanted.
That was the most important thing to me for our kids to be together and they will be.

Now I have to move due to W is in a better school district. That's the part is upsetting but I also understand
is for the kids.

The tunnel I am in all I see is my kids in it. Everything I have to do is for the Trios.

Look I am not a dumb woman I know kids will have to meet biological parents
I always knew that but I also said when kids where old enough to understand.
I the last year W has shock these kids I can't imagine the struggles my kids
Keeping that secret of not to tell me. W is teaching them to keep secrets and big ones.
S10 cried hos eyes out apologizing to me. I am sorry I never want to meet the people that hirt me but W
is making me. Of course I just hold him in the process saying is ok. You will be ok. I am here.

Yes kids should meet their biological parents no doubt but when the time was right for them they
Only 10yrs old and 9yrs old. Give them the choice to say yes or No.

But is done there's nothing I can do but be there for them.

I also agree I been in therapy for 10 months I have been healing and mentally getting stronger and
Realizing my mistakes in my relationship and owning up to my 51% .

Now since mediation we must go to therapy together W and I because mediator said there's alot of hurt here
And you both need it.

Ok, so again I will go to show mediator I am here for our children's so I
can learn to communicate with W. But all I hear in W is you, you broke me
Is because of you I am miserable. Blah blah. Now how can I take care of me
whem now w and I go to therapy and all the progress I have done I must now relieve
my past again.

I am just frustrated. I wish W would vanish like some other
Mlc or waw is easier then having someone constantly their.

Marina

Just catching up on your situation

Its hard to see now, and it is very painful to go through the mediation and D

But eventually things usually seem to fall in place for most of us-

Your W may decide she doesn't want 1 week custody as time goes on
Usually the MLCer parent loses their ability to parent as time goes on and many seem to let go of the kids
somehow the kids manage to survive the trauma and with one conscious parent they still thrive and many turn out just fine-

If you can practice in your mind - a new mantra-once you start practicing new thoughts -better feelings will take the place of the painful ones-we move into acceptance and we practice letting go to what is already happening-
-
I am OK- I am healing- I can let go of W- I can do this-I am here to help kids-I am doing this
I always get the help I need- the kids are ok

Your are doing very well and the pain will pass
the hardest part is over-
all the best

Mediators can't really order you to counseling. They are there to promote agreements outside of judicially determined outcomes. To the extent the mediator believes counseling would be helpful, it is likely to benefit the children in the transition because they are concerned about how high the emotions were in the process, and not to promote a reconciliation. It is simply not their place.

Hello marina7.

Kyh, OneArt, and peacetoday are awesome folks. I agree with their sage advice.

You will be alright, you really have survived the hardest part.

Originally Posted by marina7

I am just frustrated. I wish W would vanish like some other
Mlc or waw is easier then having someone constantly their.

This I have experienced. At the time all I wished was for W to come back and be part of my / our lives. I would have given anything for that to happen. I was so very addicted to W.

Is it easier? Having never experienced having W around and involved, I don�t know. I think all of us think something different would be easier. Looking back none of this was easy, however some of my actions did make things more difficult.

I don�t know if you read the bit on wishes, hopes, and expectations. I am glad to see you only wish W was gone, keeping that desire on the fantasy non expectation side of things will be easier.

I am also glad to see that you let all that frustration out here. It is a good place for it. Vent we understand.

Be kind to yourself, give yourself a few days to find your center again. A lot has happened, a lot of new information to absorb. Once your feet are under you again, dust off and keep walking your path.

You are doing really good.

Thank you Everyone as you all said alot to absorb in one day and a gut punch
Finding out W been in contact with my family and biological parents

At one point W was very protective of kids. W was all about protecting them.
Now it seems W throwing our kids to the wolf.

Unfortunately I realized I must stop protecting my kids keeping them
in a bubble I must have a deep conversation with them about my job was
to keep them together and it's done.

Answering questions about therapy, still not sure if my
Therapist will agree I trust my therapist will know best.
If therapist says No then I believe therapist will guide me

Honestly as I said it's about the kid's also I know
God will watch them. I realized W is in a path to destroy Us.

Now healing again begins for me. As I won't lie the last 3 days lots
of tears crying myself to sleep. Vomiting because it feels horrible the betrayal
W did of putting our children back in the hands of abusers.
And many will ask the Judge even in the worse case of child abuse will
allow supervised visit. Wow. I could be there present also in visit or just W.

Also I was a stander and honestly after days of thinking I am not sure I will stand
for W as our family values are different W has showed a side I never imagined.

I have contacted my therapist will be seeing her Tomorrow and going back to group church

Now I read alot, my mom has also gave me good advice maybe W needs this
W needs to see its not as easy W thinks. In the time of us having our 3 kids I always
been more the care taker doctor appointment when they are sick, when tummy hurts or anything like that
W never been that mommy type she was more if they fall and scrape knee W would say walk it off
So maybe given W all the responsibilities she might see and realize oh crap...

Honestly is like me gambling with W. Also W has a very demanding job and W made it
Clear in mediation that nothing going to stop her from growing which I wish her well.

But unfortunately having 3 kids that will be hard. Mediator also said to W that she hopes W job
Understand as W will need to make sure they get to school and out of school and they still
in all activities they where with me. D10 in girl scouts, band, art and STEM. S9 in art class and band and boy scouts.

I did say they must stay in all activities and ve involved as I was I had several surgeries but in a week of back surgery over 100 stitches I was back to taking care of my kids the school was in shock to see my strength.

All I can say time will tell with all this. Only thing I can do is take the back seat and watch all this.

I'll take all advice and 2x4 as we are all learning and some have been in worse situations or same .
I know I don't know it all I am taken all advice from here. I have followed many advices as they have helped me and kids

Again Thank you. For all of you.

Just a thought, when I was looking for the custody statute in your state I saw that in Illinois you can ask for a right of first refusal. You would have to have this written into your agreement. But basically if she is unable to care for the children because of work, a trip, etc., then she has to give you the option of having them before she brings in a third party (unless an emergency where there was no time to notify).

I think it very likely she will quickly find that it is overwhelming, as I said in my earlier post. Also, if she doesn't derive any pleasure from watching you unhappy about what she is doing (having the kids around others, etc.) then she may well stop doing it.

OneArt,
Yes that I was told by GAL, basically just W and I, W did
like that very much due to OW. W was angry but hey not my problem.

At drop off this weekend W didn't say much as I didn't. W was
Pacing back and fourth in parking lot. I just didn't say nothing.

As I mentioned lots of blaming me in mediation. W even brought up
an emotional affair I had about 5yrs ago which I thought I was forgiven
W is trying to play the Victim. I said to mediator

Yes I had an emotional affair around 2014, going to therapy has
help me realize an affair is an affair I have apologized to W several times
I know my 51%of why my marriage dissolved. I know it was wrong of me
I caused W pain 5yrs ago but I thought we pass that. That shouldn't given the
Right for W to take s10 and leave d10 and s9.

My lawyer agreed and said this affair is irrelevant as W left and now trying to
justify her behavior.

W has blamed me of her being this way now.

I know that I believe I went through my own crisis 5yrs ago
One day I was happy and the next day I was in love with a old
friend from FB who lived 1200 miles away. The difference is I never acted on
my affair. And never left my kids.
I remember driving and a semi truck head light was blinking and boom is
like I woke up I went home told W am so sorry I was not
sure what I was doing. From 2014 when W forgave me I
thought I did but nothing to show W I loved my family.
I became glingy and never lock my phone proving to W
I love her and my family.

Now this is why I say I take 51% of relationship failing I know
What I did wrong. But now W is the Victim and mediator feels sorry for W.

Journaling,

Mediator called me and said why did you tell W I am sorry you feel that way...

Me... ummmmmmmmm I am sorry but I am dried up in tears I have cried so much in 1yr and 6 months...
I feel mediator thinks there's hope...

I am in a place am looking forward I can't go back to 2014. I only could
focus on now. As for now I am not who I was 2014

I am not sure what W wants. Tears. Begging.. I won't
To much hurt its turning to hate. I know big words..

W swears she went to school to meet d10 and s9 teacher they
ask W many questions kids said mom why you lied to us while I an
Washing dishes in my world.

W keeps changing her story to kids. I am always keeping myself busy when kids are talking

I can't lose my insanity because of W. I must keep looking forward
And taking care of us.

Hi Marina,

In my case and many others here, the lbs is the target of their anger and blame at least Until shortly after D, and then they cool off for the most part.

I�m sorry she�s introducing the kids and taking the decision away from them. Idk why anyone would do that but I bet it is some issue from her childhood. I see it a lot w my ex.

You last post reminded me, if you haven�t, you should speak w/the kids teachers too (who knows what they�ve been told) and let them know the basics and making sure you get included on everything.

Get some rest and focus on yourself and kids.

That was a good question from mediator. Why do you tell W - I am sorry you feel that way.

We say it because it validates spouse�s feelings.

We say it because we are advised to.

We say it because we don�t know what else to say.

Eventually you realize the most important reason.

You say it because - you are sorry she feels that way.

You say it because it�s true.

Marina

Like DNJ said

We say things sometimes because it is part of d b

To protect ourselves and detach and in hopes of saving the m

I am good at this most of the time

But sometimes I say things from my gut

And I never regret the truth

Thank you Kyh,Gordie and DnJ

So yes DnJ I honestly meant it, I look at W and
said.
I am sorry I caused you the pain 4yrs ago, I am sorry
I am sorry you feel that way

Because I am, I have did my dues I have apologized and cried several times.
The difference this time W didn't see tears flow down my eyes
I stood strong and focus on my kids and my goal.

Kyh, yes I have been to school introduced myself to New
Principal explained our crazy situation about d10 not having her s10 with her
Sometimes d10 breaks down and cry.

Everyone knows the school is a big support and I am grateful

But what I hate is W making it seem my kids are going crazy
Which again I just listen I try not to be involved but I can
Hear s9 arguing with W s9 says your such a liar. Why you lie.
I am guessing W said something that tick them off.

Gordie,
Your right everything I have said and actions have been
from my heart.

I am sorry because I did have an emotional affair 2014
I am sorry I broke W trust
I am sorry I made her feel she wasn't good enough for me

I also know I can't go back in time I only can change me as a person I am human now I
Am paying for it. Is sad W doesn't see it that way

Marina, you are not judged for your mistake. We are all imperfect people simply tying to do our best. Remember they all have reasons for doing what they did and even when they have nothing legitimate, they make them up. I do not understand why the mediator would question that. What could possibly be wrong in saying it. I hope she got a similar. chiding for what she has said and done.

OneArt,

Well one thing mediator said was
There is still lots of hurts from past and I see the love.

I was quite, W yeld hell No I will never ever be back with you,
I hate you I wish I can move across country.

Again I was quite I let W vent and mediator then told me she felt
W needed to get that ok.

Again I was quiet.

In my opinion mediator is more like trying to be a therapist.
I again will do what I have to do to show court that I am here for our kids

Yes there is lot of hurt, I know when W ask me for
us to go to marriage counseling I said No. I wasn't ready I was in denial with myself

I must say the last 4yrs I had a awakening, I had a seizure because I didn't know I
had MS and fell in my face breaking my face literally going into a coma brain swelled
I thank God everyday for my 2nd chance in life. Now I must admit that was my awakening
Falling in my face and almost losing my life.

I again thank God for my blessings. And when I was ready for the change
that's when W started pulling away detaching herself around 2016 from us 4.

So now I am here taking it a day at a time. W keeps looking at the past. Mediator
is all about family. And W showing her tears made mediator cry mediator I guess
felt bad for W.

And far for me I was quite and didn't say much and I didn't tear at all when W spilled her guts
I just listen to it all and yes W is very much hurting for what I did. But also I was blamed for everything
W is miserable because of me, W didn't take no blame

Again I hope mediator sees what's best for kids, and I have been working on myself the last year. I also
Found out W just started therapy herself so let's see if therapy will help her through this crisis.

I imagine your demeanor in being quiet and not showing emotion was unsettling to her, as she can see you are not falling apart and waiting for her return. I'm sure standing up for yourself in the case is also unnerving, particularly if you let her have her way often in the relationship. I have the opposite dynamic. I took care of everything, made all the decisions (because he never really participated and things had to get done), and was the strong one. I think seeing me be quiet, patient, and avoiding emotions in my communication is unsettling him.

marina7 � I am glad you honestly meant it and you can see that you do.

I have read more than a few times how you are blaming yourself due to your actions from 4 years ago.

This is going to be hard to accept at first.

You did not cause W�s current actions; you did not cause her MLC.

Originally Posted by marina7

W is very much hurting for what I did.

You past actions did hurt her, I get that. Her current behavior and actions are not that of a rational person. She is suffering MLC. If she wasn�t with you, she would still be off the deep end, just blaming something or someone else. Her hurt is probably from something long from her past, many years before she even knew you.

She is blaming you to justify her behavior. You are not the cause of her MLC. I do not even think you are the trigger. I think you said she had forgiven you before and is now bringing it up.

Realize this and forgive yourself. Her pain is not of your doing.

(((marina7)))

DnJ

OneArt,

Yes I also wonder that if W thought I was going fly off.
I will admit having kids change me and also having a awakening
When W and I met I was very inpatient no patients at all I needed things my way
But having 3 kids changes us parent for good or worse.

My kids all changed me for good.
S10 taught me unconditional love and I was in charge of a little person
D10 taught me the caring side the nurturing side of me.
S9 omg has taught me Patience he can make you want to lose your
Mind but he also teaches me to be your own person. He
Has a beautiful side of him. No care in the world

So yes when W goes into her tantrum W says always come on bring that
Old person I met, which is weird to hear W say that. Is like taunting me
Like poking a lion.

Is crazy sometimes to see W behavior,
I was more of the finance part made sure we budget and bills paid on time
W work, and spend and made the vacation plans and shopping and school things.

I won't lie this process made me realize I should been involved more in there life.
I was more of the fun parent I felt bad for working so much so when W would call
I would roll over to anything W wanted and kids, this is why W got her way so much. I always said
Happy Wife Happy Life..... lol

DnJ

You absolutely right before meditation I was in that place
W crisis not my circus not my monkeys
But seeing W break down W has just been monstrous and seeing her
Blaming me and rewrote our story literally W said
You controlling, you controlled me, you kept me away from family
I was so in shock because I was the opposite I would ask W have you spoken
to your parents W would answer No I would encourage call them. So
When W said all this I even question the last 10yrs I literally ask myself was I really
controlling but having a week to cool off no I just gave W my opinion

I need to focus back on me and kids. W needs to figure this out

As I told the therapist and there's in this Process W is F***ing up our life

I also realized the last 8 months that I'll take 51% of marriage breaking down.
The reason I say 51% is because my 1% in emotional affair but I also know I ask
For forgiveness to God, W and W parents even my step mom I knew I was wrong

Also in mediation W said OW and her where together after leaving but before that they where just Friends hahahaha
I mean really we are already separated just admit to your affair. W says it's not an affair because we
Separated around February or March... again wtf wow. I just nodded in disbelief.

Starting divorce group and divorce group for kids
I think ArtOne is right W saw me not broken in mediation
Before meditation I cried myself till no more tears took everyone advice and stood strong
So W didn't see that coming.

Thank you again for everyone advice

Question W uncle has a takwando studio kids always went
They stop going but they want to go. I emailed them like a business ask for price
He responded saying come in miss you guys. So should I go or stay away.

It's for the kids. They want to go. Take them.

If we all took 51% of the responsibility for the breakdown in our marriages, there would be fewer divorces.

Yes, take care of the kids and show that quiet resolve. That's the best thing you can do for all of you right now.

I agree, I think it would be good for your kids. Ive found dealing w/ex inlaws isn�t bad if that was your hesitation.

Kids want to go. Take them. It is great that they are wanting to go.

OneArt,Kyh and DnJ

Thank you once again,

Yes my gut told me take them. I am mature enough to know kids have nothing to do with this.

If you read my story quick recap Kids and I don't have family at all.
W family lives here. After BD I tried to reach out to MIL, but of course no answer
Couple weeks later W said stop calling my family they don't want nothing with you or kids.

But I also know believe 50% what they say and do. But I also stayed away because I don't want drama.
I can't imagine what W has told family but I know W mask is coming off as S10 says he hasn't been
to any family house just OW family.

I know the truth will come out but I also know that's there daughter
and I don't expect them to take my side. Or even hear it.

One day I will reach them out if W ever goes dark.
I know s10 said I miss grandma and grandpa W hasn't been over in 2 months
Let's say W goes dark I will send a text message saying they could see and call kids anytime.

So therapist gave me her thoughts of W and I going to therapy together due to W monstering
therapist feels am still in process of healing and feels this will take me back to where I was a year
Ago, blaming myself alot. Therapist realized I am taking blame again.

I explained that I might go one time to listen to W for W to know I acknowledge her feelings but I need to
Walk away from this.

And me writing this just now I can't believe I am saying this, I must walk away for my insanity W
can't take me with her in this rollercoaster ride. I also don't see W taking her responsibility W
has said it in mediation is my pride. I realized when you LOVE your spouse and kids there is No
Pride. Pride has to put away.

As I said we start again divorce group and divorce group for kids, last year it help US alot. The different
stages we go through. I'll be honest anger hasn't hit me yet. And not sure it will. Many will ask Why
Because life is to short. I have forgiven myself for not making W my priority. Also
I have forgiven W because for me to work on myself I needed to forgive those
who hurt me and that was my family and W.

Today a friend who been in my life the last year ask me is there any chance you W can work
It out. Without hesitation I said No. Not because I don't love her I will always love W.

Because I can't let W break us again. I have read many WAW and MLC could go back
And walk away again when times get tough and I know times will get tougher
as I have MS I know one day I will need someone who will not walk away when
times get tough or when teenagers get tougher I took my vows seriously through
Good and Bad. And W will never be able to handle us.

Now kids start takwando next week. And sports and all good stuff. So
Looking forward to all the amazing things they will accomplish this year.

Marina

Best wishes with the therapist

Not sure I could do that

Hello marina7 - Glad to hear kids are starting taekwondo next week. I am sure they will have a lot of fun with it. Are all three taking lessons? Is it just you taking them?

Originally Posted by marina7

But I also know believe 50% what they say and do. But I also stayed away because I don't want drama. I can't imagine what W has told family but I know W mask is coming off as S10 says he hasn't been
to any family house just OW family.

Good for you. Don�t believe anything they say, and only 50% of what they do.

Interesting what S10 said and how things W say won�t add up. My W for months was telling people how she sees her children often and has very good relationship with them. Sadly I think that is her truth, her version. At that point she has only saw them around five times in four months, it has got worse, currently she has not reach out since S17�s graduation - 10 weeks.

Quote

Couple weeks later W said stop calling my family they don't want nothing with you or kids.

Quote

I know the truth will come out but I also know that's their daughter and I don't expect them to take my side. Or even hear it.

Try not to worry about what W is telling family and others. I know how hard that is. W has her version of the truth, just let go and let her have it. You�re right, the truth will come out eventually.

I know you see the whole blood is thicker than water thing. However, I wouldn�t necessarily take W at face value about her family not wanting to see you or the children. Unless they tell you directly, I would disregard your W�s warning. Invite Grandma and Grandpa for a meal for something, see what happens. Her uncle misses you guys, probably others do as well.

I am with Gordie, best wishes with therapy. You are so correct, you need to detach and get away from the insanity.

Quote

...I know one day I will need someone who will not walk away when times get tough...

You have someone, she looks at you from the mirror. That person you need.

You want someone who will not walk away when times get tough, you do not need them. A person in your life could be removed from it in a moment, without notice. We have already experienced that. Ensure you are clear with need vs want in your mind.

I needed W so bad at first. It took a while to realize I didn�t need her, that �need� was driven by fear. Letting go of fear and need became wanting her around. Indifference keeps the wanting of her in abeyance.

Keep walking your path. You�re really doing really well.

DnJ

Thank you again for amazing words and advice,

I must say being here has help me from not going insane
or thinking I am crazy or losing my marbles.

As many know I have lupus and was doing good
I guess with stress and all I been ill lately.

Lately I been Blah just basically waking up and routine
Yes life feels like wow is this really going be life.

Then I realize is just a set back. I never thought I would be here
mentally or financially. Wondering if we will have a home
While W lives life having it all and treating kids horrible and
GAL or law says we can't control her behavior.

I guess I have felt I have protected my kids for over 9yrs
And now I can't fix there pain they have in there heart from W.

And yes my monkey braining gets the best of me.
In mediation W blaming for her life being miserable
Like wow. And then this weekend I pulled out
Our recorder of holidays and our first son and home.
And W happy telling me you are the best thing that happen to me.
And now I am the worse. Oh boy how can our brain F up our mind
Sometimes.

S9 has had a rough week. Remember he doesn't show emotions
But yesterday he wanted to tell W all about school and activities
And within less than 2min W being with s9 on the phone. W says I gotta
go. I was driving I seen s9 through rearview mirror I will never forget that
look, his hurt his sadness his pain I felt his little heart. I just reached my
right hand over reach his hand he had in his knees and just
gave him a squeeze. And silence and the drive home. But inside
God knows I was dying I wanted to call W and say what can be so
busy to hear our baby boy want to tell you his excitement.
But of course I just prayed.

We pass a church park over and bowed my head in the car. And ask
God for peace and peace for W. And to take my babies pain away.

Is so for us. Many people have family unfortunately I don't I had
a horrible childhood really bad from mentally and sexual abuse
I got away from my blood family to better my life
Over 20yrs ago. So family to me is not blood is about who is there.
I have friends but many of them have stayed out of it and away and
I don't blame them. But times like this I wish my kids had family.
Grandparents. I have my step mom but she lives in Texas and financially we
Can't fly her out or I go over. We facetime my mom alot. So thank God
for that. She has been a great emotional supporter. But times like
this I wish where surrounded by family.

It's just been hard. Bills, not able to work, lawyers fees and
making sure my kids have things they need. God is hard
But I tell myself things could be worse so I know am bless more
than I know.

I guess I ask how much longer of this pain it's been 1yr and 7months and it
seems like nothing, s10 still not home. I feel the court is not taking this
as serious because in this process kids are hurting so much.

D10 lately been very quiet I spoke with her therapist
and it worries me as her mom. I rather d10 be angry or yell
Or cry than being quiet not sure what monkey braining is
going on in her head.

It's been a rough 2 weeks. We need prayers and healing for us.

Thank you guys for letting me vent.

Hi Marina,

How are you and your trio doing? Keep being there for them and they'll know that they are safe with you. I've found if I can catch my one of my kids alone late (if one of them isn't sleeping) or early they open up quite a bit more.

Kyh,

Thank you.
Not much has happened in this side.
Mediation was a waist we heading to trial as
you know W doesn't want to agree to anything

I lately been back in depressed I feel like
nothing is moving fast enough to keep our
3 kids together in the process
Our kids are breaking and crying.

S9 cries himself to sleep because s10 bed is empty
S9 yesterday just cried and cried mommy I miss s10 he
is my big brother and my best friend.
I replied I know baby I am sorry your hurting so
much. Mommy will get you Trios back together
soon. Just know this mommy is trying. You and
D10 and s10 are the best thing happened in my life. I started
Humming and s9 fell asleep in my arms.

I got in the shower and screamed and cried so much. This pain is hard
My kids are hurting and I can't fix there pain. I can't make there
Heart not hurt. I am inside dying because I can't fix my kids pain.

But I know God has a plan
I will follow his plan

One day at a time
One hour at a time
One second at a time
One minute at a time

And I remind myself
Is ok to not be ok..

(((Marina))) I'm sorry you're hurting. I wish I had some good advice w/the kids, that's so hard. Keep being there for them and doing your best.

I hope this settles soon, i would have thought the GAL would have made a recommendation for a schedule before the trial. I will be thinking of you and your trio.

M

One hour at a time
Try Alanon phone meetings
they are daily at 4pm and 8 pm eastern time

called phone bridge
You can listen
very powerful
The problem may be different but its all the same recovery for us-

Its hard to see our kids in pain-
they take the cue from us

We have to figure out a way to feel and embrace the pain and it hurts and then let go

It gets easier over time and we learn a lot from this crisis

for many of us it may be the hardest thing we ever encounter
We survive and usually for the better-
hang in
Practice breathing and letting go
The kids will be ok
reasure them it is ok

You are doing a more than amazing job-

Marina,

Your W has a lot of push/pull tendencies and I think it is unlikely she will agree to anything ever. She needs to keep the battle going to stay connected, even if that connection is completely dysfunctional. I know this maddening and stressful when you have children that are apart, money concerns, and health issues. The good thing is though, that you are a tough cookie who has her focus on the kids and can be the rock they need in their lives.

Try to let go of the disappointment of the failed mediation. That is in the past and does not move the ball forward. Don't you have a court date coming up pretty soon on the custody issue? I would focus on moving through the court process as quickly as possible with as neutral feelings about it as possible. Try to depersonalize it (hard I know) and look at it as your job or a necessary step you must take. You are on the right side of the issues and that can make the fight a little easier.

I know the crying in the shower is tough, but you have to do it. The only way to end the pain is to push through it. Remember, this is not about you. None of it is about you. She isn't trying to hurt you. She doesn't know how to behave like a rational human being right now and her depression and her pain prevent her from seeing things as they are.

There was a poster here years ago called Cyrena who posted some great stuff on what her H was going through. They reconciled and he never left the home so she got to see what he went through and she did a lot of research and really understood. She didn't have her own thread (or it got purged) but her posts to others are gems.

Kyh,peacetoday and OneArt

Thank you so much for always you kind words.

As I stated it's been rough. I have lupus for 13yrs
And MS 4yrs ago. I was doing good but now am ill
Doctors thinks is the stress. Which I agree

Yesterday we went to DC4K for the kids
and divorce care for me. I know I can't do this on my
own I am mentally tired and physically.

Well as we all know we start trial next week.
As W didn't agree to any offers I put in table.
Anything I ask for W said no.
The only thing W wants is for me to forget about s10
And for me to move on with life with s9 and d10.

As you know me that will never happen unless
I am not on earth.
Well yelp I got a threat text message yesterday
Basically from a number I don't recognize
Saying trial is soon. You will lose
Everything. We are warning you to back off.

Wow. I froze at first but also laughed it
Like really now threats.
Yes contacted lawyer, GAL and police

I basically told my mom if I die remember who did
It. Please take care of my trio's
My mom cried and in disbelief like shock.
My mom told me to pack up a bag and go into hiding
Until trial. Unfortunately we know the law [censored].
It was a block number they can't point it at W or W friends
But so obvious 1 week before trial I get a threat text.

So there you go. I am not sure what is W. Anymore or
Stage. W has monster and been horrible there where
days I wish W would just push me off the cliff. But
W is simply Satan walking around in W body.
The sad part W is hurting us all.

I read stories of vanishers I wish W would
For our sake. W is like a tornado w can destroy
Everything within a minute.

But I will not let go of the rope as long
My kids are at the other end of the rope.
My hands are bleeding and blisters and skin coming
Off you could see this mom hands bones but I am
Not letting go of that rope as long my trio's are
Holding on with me this mom is to.
A Mother's love and strength.

Marina

I am so sorry you received that threat

Wow just wow

Please please please

Take care of yourself

And watch your back

marina7 - I hope you are doing well. Threatening texts, a pending trial, you indeed have a lot of stress. Keep looking after yourself, this stress will take a toll on you.

I was shocked when I read about the threat. The timing and directness of it. Someone must be very confused if they think you are going to back off.

marina7, stay strong, dig in, and protect your children. So very true - a mother�s love and strength - do what is necessary. You can weep later.

I would like to offer a caution. Detachment and indifference is where you are heading. Demonizing W can provide a barrier between W and your feelings, provide a short term relief, and can also change your feelings. It is obvious W is hurting beyond reason. Do what is necessary and try to remain from a position of compassion. I have read a lot about you in your posts, and I like you. Please don�t lose yourself to this.

Best of luck at the trial.

(((marina7)))

DnJ

Hi Marina

The D time is very stressful

MY XH and I could not agree either on visitation, mpney, the business ect�

I was concerned he and OW were using drugs and this would be harmful for my 2 kids
especially b/c my son was young and had life threatening allergies
one wrong food- and �
I fought..and never gave up

My XH got worse over time--gave up and eventually left..a vanisher..to our benefit
My kids never met OW
I got to raise them alone..got our business I was extremely lucky and had a good L
No One really wins in this but we have to protect our kids

and if you can protect your 2...for now
maybe the 3rd will come back when W gets worse and they do-

Just hang in there
Listen to the L
sometimes they know what we can have and not
Fight fair for what you believe and just trust that you will get through it

Your W may get worse as time continues..if they are using /drinking
the addiction escalates with the crises because they cant deal with pain
we are the projection of their issues(not true) because their issues come from their unresolved childhood pain

Thank you DNJ and Peacetoday

Yes unfortunately this is a long battle. I know I can only
control my actions not W. But in that process kids are hurting.

DnJ yes I agree with you W is alot of pain.
I can see it now, W is hurting and I was always the fixer
And I can't fix this I can't take W pain away I can't do
anything. I know is hard wanting to protect her and tell W
Your Amazing, Your beautiful and Your safe with me

But I know I can't I been fired from that. All I am doing now
Is protecting the trio's that's all I can do but for now I only
Can with d10 and s9 as s10 is with W.

Peactoday,
I hope to God that W would come to her mother sense
Before things get worse.
I know W is drinking kids have made it aware. Ow drives
While W drinks while they are out eating. Is like OW wants W
Drunk d10 said OW kept ordering drinks for W. Smh

W has a alcoholic dad who physically abused W mom for 18yrs
W didn't want to be him now W drinks like a sailor. So W
new addition is alcohol and shopping kids say W has bags of
Cloths still in closet always buying. So shopping has gotten worse

Yes as W yelled in mediation I am the cause I broke her.
I know it's not my fault, I know I only can be her light house
For her. But honestly I would be her lighthouse as her mother
Kids not sure I can ever be with W. W done so much damage
That I at the moment am just our kids stable parent.

Is going on 1yr 7months and no sign of nothing just W
Angry,happy sometimes just a blank look. I have stop
Looking what stage W in. I been focusing on me.

Since Text I been staying low but also
Not letting life stopping me. I do believe W is trying to
Intimidate me. I can see W having OW or New friends
Who knows what W has plans but as I said I am a
Mother first and that won't change I won't be scared
Or threatened. I know that God has his plan.
I am just following his lead

Is sad that last week in kids therapy we talk about a safety
Plan whe we are together if something happens or when they
In W house. I did cried because I never thought I would have to
Protect kids from W.

This woman was supposed to protect our kids
W wanted to be there mom now W is the monster the stranger
I am trying to protect our kids from. Who would have thought that.

Been doing lots of self care. Went to dinner with my friend who
Loves kids and cares for me. Friend is there and listen she doesn't
Give her input. Just listens and when I don't have kids she knocks on
Door says let's go your not going to mope around. So
Dinner then drinks at sport bar. Just had a wine and water
And then seen the movie Crazy Rich Asians.
Btw great movie laughed so hard. I caught friend staring at
Me while I laugh friend said finally glad to see that smile I have known.

It was weird going out with another female it was weird.
Felt sad then happy.

But like my mom said that's normal feeling.

I know I truly thought W and I would die old or I would
Die in W arms. As many of you know am sick.

But this is my new life. So taken it
One day at a time
One hour at a time
One minute at a time
One second at a time

Walking with God.

Im glad you had some fun..
really important for us to create new activities, friends, and hobbies

I believe when A mlcer is also an alcoholic, that person has 2 issues
The MLC starts or fuels the addiction.
.if they were recovering
it starts it again
Because they cant deal with the kind of pain it takes to grow and get through the Crises-and they want to have fun and believe they should be able to drink-

the alcohol is a true addiction and few will get and stay sober for a lifetime-(even if not in MLC)

Hi ((Marina)),

Just stopping by this morning to wish you well this week. I will be thinking of you and your trio.

Good luck in trial this week! Stay strong.

Peace,OneArt and Kyh and DnJ

Good evening my dear friends.

Well court rescheduled as GAL needs more time.

I am now in a place where I no longer get disappointed
about court. I know God has a plan.

I still get angry not knowing what's taking so long to
have siblings together that's all I want.

W is again in Monster mode. I financially am drowning
I ask for help for some cloths our kids are growing fast.

W response is the money I get in child support is enough
Btw under $400 a month that's is emergency court order
Till W does financial affidavit. Btw W has not done
They been asking and nothing W is pushing it longer.

In the meantime I am putting all I can on my cc. While
W has a new car, buys new clothes constantly.

I know it doesn't matter to me. If I didn't need help I
Wouldn't ask for a penny.
I am going to food pantry to feed us. Crazy right
While W is living life.

But is ok I tell myself kids and I are happy W is so miserable
Is scary to see how bad she looks.

As I say to myself every morning
One day at a time
One hour at a time
One minute at a time
One second at a time

D10 been quiet and sad. D10 sits next to me and holds my hand and
Just sit there with me. I just say I am here. D10 says I know mommy thank you
S10 been angry again very concerning as I told mediator he needs to be home please
S9 also in hos little world. He has created a monkey world that's is his
Safe place when at W home. S9 said mom your in my monkey world always
He is a sweet little boy.

I see pictures of the trio's 2yrs ago they had smiles ear to ear. Now
I put pictures side by side those smiles are gone. It breaks my heart
How MLC can destroy not only their life but innocent children's
Crazy. But truly sad.

Well back to mediation which I know it won't get nowhere W has made it
Clear. I'll see you in trial and let's not forget the text I was sent
I will lose everything if I go to trial.

Been sad again. Just sad for my kids. I never wanted to give them
This life. Struggling, wondering if I have enough for rent. Is just crazy.

I know God has his plan. I am here waiting patiently.

Setbacks are hard, incredibly hard. And none of this happens in the time we want it to. I know with money being so tight and the kids apart, this is an incredibly sad time. Those smiles will be back. They will. They have a parent who loves them and is fighting for them. That is the important part. Focus on what you control and let the rest go. Take them to the library and on fun walks, focus on all the great ways of getting out that don't cost money. Check into the resources in your community, you may be able to get help with food, clothes, school supplies, etc. That is so little money to be living on without having an income. I so admire you and all you are doing for your kids.

marina7 - you are doing great. Like OneArt, I admire your outlook and determination.

I understand how you feel about your kids. Mine lost their smiles for a while also. Trust and have faith, the smiles do return. Just keep talking to your kids, let them come to you whenever they want or need, and just be there for them. They have to heal, and will gain from your strength.

You�re a really good person marina. Ear to ear smiles will return; with you in their lives, I have no doubt.

DnJ

Thank you OneArt, and DnJ

Well I have the Trios this weekend together. S9 got sick W said she will drop s10 at my house
I said Ok Thank you.

Oh W temp check. W calls am here I said Ok

W hello how is s9
M s9 come over here
S9 hi mommy
W hi baby sorry you sick
S9 is ok mom mommy taking care of me
W ok
W hi Marina
M hello
W do you need anything
M No
W staring
W ok
W you look tired
M yes long day
W I hope trios don't all get sick
M is ok I'll keep them all together until Trios get better
W ok, W said something I laughed W said remember
You and I will have a connection that nobody will ever know. When you and I are together
we are just silly we are like one person.
M I just nodded
W ok I'll be like 2 or 3hrs away. I hope s9 gets better I won't be around. I am going be out
Of town.
M I got this. I got the trios. You have a good weekend getaway with Girlfriend have fun.
Close the doors.

I hope I handle this well. I won't lie my stomach was turn I felt my heart drop hearing
W saying we are one we are silly when is you and I. But I know is temp check as
She knows or might know I went out with friend.

Kids where nervous d10 took a deep breath I said you Ok. D10 I thought mom
Would had been angry or yell at you. I said don't be worried. Remember God is with us.

I remember telling W I got the Trios, W just nodded

You handled that fine. Stay detached. Do not read too much into what W said, you know how she can change her mind in a flash. Look to her actions.

Wow, you have the trios. For the entire weekend. Have a great time with them, let them enjoy and be kids.

I want to hear what fun activities you and kids did over the weekend.

And make sure you all get an ice cream cone sometime.

It is below freezing here right now, unseasonable cool, so I find having an ice cream cone rather funny right now. Still get an ice cream cone.

I do hope S9 recovers quick and it doesn�t spread.

Have a great weekend marina.

DnJ

New Thread:

Just keep swimming, I think I can, I think I can