Update from a very old timer - 06/17/18 08:13 PM
It is along time since I posted, and i am sorry to see so many people out there and hurting.
I am over twelve years since bomb drop, and after many false starts my xh (now remarried) is trying to build some bridges. Poor soul, he isn't very good at it, but it he was good at this sort of thing we wouldn't be where we are now!!
The advice to drop the rope - much much easier to say than do - is excellent and essential. Once you are able to disengage from their foolishness, your expectations will go, and you will be less hurt. Whatever helps you to detach, go for it. Remaining involved, in any way, is a recipe for on-going hurt.
Do not try to fix them, you are the last person to be doing this. They aren't fixable by anyone but themselves, and at some point, maybe, a good therapist.
They will not change/get-it until they are ready, and some never are, sadly.
Recognise that you have been abused emotionally and are likely traumatized.
It took me a very very long time to get to a good place, but I did. I am happy, single, and fulfilled.
If you can, go to family events, parties, graduations etc. This can be very hard, especially as they seem to be joined at the hip with whoever they are with, in a very adolescent way!!
It is not your children's fault this happened, and it is bad enough having a parent who has become very strange to them. But having to choose is a burden for them that maybe it is better to avoid. Sure, it means being the 'bigger person', but actually we are, because they are damaged and suffering.
Your children love both their parents, however badly one of them is behaving, in the same way you love your children even when they are awful!!
My xh now acknowledges that he behaved monstrously towards me (his words) and that he made a terrible mistake in leaving me. This changes nothing, and words are cheap, but even so it was validating to hear this.
What is most interesting is that I am no longer upset by him. I am sorry for him because he has messed up his life. I can now see his (to me, warped) point of view - his life wasn't working out, and he felt he couldn't fix it, and that a different life, affairs, and no responsibilities would make him happy. He had no idea of the damage he caused for many years. Not a clue. He couldn't take it on board.
MLC is a terrible mess, very destructive of everything within the family.
Can we be 'friends' - that depends on him, and his actions. But definitely better for our adult children if we can get along.
I wish I could give you a quick fix, but we have to live through this - some get through to the far shore quicker, but get through it we must, or remain mired, and upset, dependent emotionally on our former spouse, until they stop upsetting us by their actions or inactions.
I am over twelve years since bomb drop, and after many false starts my xh (now remarried) is trying to build some bridges. Poor soul, he isn't very good at it, but it he was good at this sort of thing we wouldn't be where we are now!!
The advice to drop the rope - much much easier to say than do - is excellent and essential. Once you are able to disengage from their foolishness, your expectations will go, and you will be less hurt. Whatever helps you to detach, go for it. Remaining involved, in any way, is a recipe for on-going hurt.
Do not try to fix them, you are the last person to be doing this. They aren't fixable by anyone but themselves, and at some point, maybe, a good therapist.
They will not change/get-it until they are ready, and some never are, sadly.
Recognise that you have been abused emotionally and are likely traumatized.
It took me a very very long time to get to a good place, but I did. I am happy, single, and fulfilled.
If you can, go to family events, parties, graduations etc. This can be very hard, especially as they seem to be joined at the hip with whoever they are with, in a very adolescent way!!
It is not your children's fault this happened, and it is bad enough having a parent who has become very strange to them. But having to choose is a burden for them that maybe it is better to avoid. Sure, it means being the 'bigger person', but actually we are, because they are damaged and suffering.
Your children love both their parents, however badly one of them is behaving, in the same way you love your children even when they are awful!!
My xh now acknowledges that he behaved monstrously towards me (his words) and that he made a terrible mistake in leaving me. This changes nothing, and words are cheap, but even so it was validating to hear this.
What is most interesting is that I am no longer upset by him. I am sorry for him because he has messed up his life. I can now see his (to me, warped) point of view - his life wasn't working out, and he felt he couldn't fix it, and that a different life, affairs, and no responsibilities would make him happy. He had no idea of the damage he caused for many years. Not a clue. He couldn't take it on board.
MLC is a terrible mess, very destructive of everything within the family.
Can we be 'friends' - that depends on him, and his actions. But definitely better for our adult children if we can get along.
I wish I could give you a quick fix, but we have to live through this - some get through to the far shore quicker, but get through it we must, or remain mired, and upset, dependent emotionally on our former spouse, until they stop upsetting us by their actions or inactions.
