Hi Everyone, Happy New Year!
Old Thread: The Summer of Love, Treasure and a Pop up Tent
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2772477&page=1I dip in and out of here at the moment, I have had so much on my mind, once again standing at a crossroads turning in circles, I needed to make a committed decision as to what I want to do; stay put in my comfort safety place or leave on a new adventure.
After having a couple of emotional meltdowns I have finally decided to move, start a new adventure and hopefully discover better times and happiness along the way. I have had a quote from a relocation company and whilst it is expensive it comes in around the same cost as I can do it on my own but it removes the hassle factor for me. I will be leaving at Easter and road trip as planned for a couple of months before baseing myself at s23 house (they have a sleepout so I will be self contained) so I can find work and a home.
So the first hurdle has been jumped, next one will be telling my boss I have decided to leave and not take the new role, this hurdle I am not looking forward to jumping!
S23 and his g/friend are back from their holiday, whilst they were away they sold their house which is a great relief to them both, they complete on both houses 5th February, so I wont confirm my relocation booking until then.
S21 visited me for Christmas, it was lovely to have him home for a few days, it made me see how much I have missed the noise and chaos that he brings lol. He and g/friend moved in to their own flat yesterday which they are very excited about.
Both s21 and g/f spoke about h while they were visiting. The said he is really quiet these days and lives like a pauper as he is paying off all his debts as quick as he can. G/f told me he is much more tolerant of s21 these days and quickly apologizes and tries to smooth things over when there is an argument. She said as far as she is aware, there is no evidence of someone else in his life, or that there has been since he left after BD2. Both of them asked about h contacting me, s21 said he gets the impression h is very confused when it comes to me, which is probably why he contacted last year.
I had not heard from h since beginning of Dec, I was a little surprised I did not get any well wishes over the festive season, but thinking about it he probably didn't feel it appropriate to wish me a "happy" anything haha. Yesterday was s21 21st Birthday, I received an email from h early am, it was a really sweet email, which makes this situation so much the sadder.
He started off by joking that we have made it, our youngest now being 21. He wrote a really amusing bit which made me smile and then he wrote:
"Seriously,as I doubt he will say thank you for actually doing the hard work.Being a single mum for the first part of his life and not once killing him should have been nationally recognized as a feat of supreme tolerance."
S21 was the most challenging baby, he stopped sleeping during the day at 6 weeks old, screamed all the time (this ended up to be due to a reflux problem so was struggling with stomach acid build up, poor baby), projectile vomiting and did not sleep at night, when I say did not sleep I mean 20 mins cat nap, 20 mins screaming until he was about 2 and then he would be up all night wanting to play, his first complete night through was at 5 1/2 yrs, the Drs even tried to drug him with pre meds and that didnt work ! And where was H ...he was on deployment all the time, rarely at home, and despite me begging him to leave the forces and get a normal job so he could help me, he wouldn't, I think he liked being away from our crazy nightmare situation.
This is the first time he has acknowledged that I was a Single Mum and I raised an active toddler and a nightmare baby all on my own, no support from him or family. Reading his statement was quite emotional for me, I am actually lost for words over reading it.
He then talked about s21 moving out and that he will do his best to keep an eye on him and not let him get in to the mess he did last time (for those of you new to my story, h treated both s absolutely terribly when he was with ow and her kids, I was in the UK and ended up having to fly back to NZ to sort them out, s21 was living in a dive and struggling with chest pains and malnutrition. S23 was living in a cabin on h's driveway as he was not welcome in the house) He said he will keep me updated and if I have any concerns then to contact him and he will do his best to get it sorted.
He finished the email with more of his amusing wit.
I replied, said a few things that i know will appeal to his wit, then thanked him for recognizing that I was doing it alone in the early years, but added that I thank him for his support and putting up with my zombie self during those years. I spoke about my concerns regarding s21 living on his own and what to keep a look out for. I then thought I would see what the response will be if I push this a little, so I said that I have been thinking about it and I feel it would be a good idea if he has my phone number in case something should happen to one of the boys and we need to communicate quickly (one step further along the supporting each other as parents route) I gave him my number, so we shall see if he gives me his phone number in return.
Still feel ok about having him around, contact is sporadic and it seems he needs an excuse to email me, he sticks to conversation about the boys, which is what we agreed on. I continue moving onwards in whatever direction I fancy at the time lol, often i hit a "life hates me" wall and it knocks me back down, but I know only I can make myself get up and keep going.
Thank you so much for all your support and love, I honestly would not have made it this far without you all xoxo
Lou, don’t feel bad about being at “cross roads” and not making “that” decision. I’ve been at this for more than 5 years, and I still have not made a “decision”. Neither did H… Not saying that this is the right thing to do. It would probably be better for me, if I made a “decision” already… I don’t think in your case you need to rush with the decision anyway. I might be wrong here… My situation is not holding any merit, LOL. Making a “final decision” for me would not give me any more benefits than I already have, except in case I want to marry a new, wealthy guy .
It seems like your sons are coming along pretty well, settling with their lives and also valuing their mother. I know that my son has my back and will be there for me. I can tell that your boys are heading this direction too!
Your H is a fool, and he will realize it sooner or later. I love it that you are moving in the direction you fancy at the time!
Hi Bright,
Thank you for your thoughts. By Crossroads I meant either staying in my job in my current location or going on my road trip adventure and moving to the South Island, starting afresh. That is the decision I had to make, not whether I want to file for d or not.
I have no intention to file, h started this and I want him to be the one that finishes it, if he ever wants a d then I wont stand in his way though. Like you d wont benefit me, I won't get anything financial from him, we don't have young children and I don't have anyone else in my life that I need to be legally single for.
Thanks so much for stopping by xoxo
It's good to hear from you LouR. It sounds like you have your feet firmly under yourself and are taking steps along your own path.
Don't be a stranger!
Lou,
You came to the crossroads and have made a decision. I think the move will do you a world of good. Time for a change and there are adventures out there waiting for you to be a part of.
You've started a new chapter in your life's book and I can't wait to read more!
Happy New Year my dearest Lou! {{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}
I miss you when you're not here
Sometimes I find the agonies before the decision are worse than anything else. Now that the decision is made, I'm sure you feel some relief. You can move in a new direction. This is a gift, Lou! I know this isn't what you thought you signed up for when you got married. Heck, none of us thought we'd end up here! But now that we ARE here, we have so much freedom of choice! I'm glad you're doing what you feel will move you in a new direction and answer your adventurous spirit! xoxoxo don't be a stranger my friend! xoxoxo
Lou - so great to receive an update! It's always nice to hear from you.
Kudos to you on embarking on a new adventure. Onward and upward!
Thank you Andrew, Job, Bttrfly and HaWho, its lovely to hear from all of you and receive so much support for my decision to move and try something new. Doing it on my own is a bit daunting but its also quite liberating.
I received another email from H today, it started off by thanking me for my phone number and giving me his. I was a bit surprised he did this, he must trust that I am not going to now blast him with texts ...which I am not, I don't intend contacting him on it, only if I have an emergency with one of the boys.
He went on to tell me to speak to s21 about removals as he and s have looked into the logistics and cost of me hiring a van and s21 driving it, collecting both our stuff from mine, then dropping his stuff off en route to my location. If it saves me money then I think its worth considering, as far as I know h will not be involved in the actual event, only the planning of it.
He then carried on to tell me some news about how s21 is getting on and some troubles s is facing, h said he will keep me updated of any further developments. I am pleased h is taking notice of whats happening with s, he appears to be more of an active parent than he has been in a long time and I am happy that we are able to have this communication so I know what is going on with s now he is not with me.
10 weeks to go, its dragging as I feel ready to go now, but I know it will come soon enough. Still lots to do, I still have not sorted my camping fridge problem out, so that is next on the list.
Love and Hugs to everyone xoxo
Just a bit of journalling:
Well another hurdle jumped, my last day of work is 29th March.
My boss was really great and supportive, he said that before I leave I will be required to give him a DNA sample ha ha. I will be getting a glowing reference and he said whoever gets me next is a very lucky company ...awwwww
s24 and s21 have been talking and have come up with a cheaper way to do my relocation and will have them doing a brother road trip so they can share the driving and keep each other awake. For them to have got together and come up with a plan has made me one proud mama. They plan to do the relocation mid March, dropping s21 stuff at his location before dropping my stuff of at s24 home. A four day round trip! Got to love em both
I have come up with a couple of different options for my own road trip, I plan to see a couple of g/friends along the way (both promising a nice hot shower and my laundry done !!). Its still a while off but I am getting excited at the new adventure that awaits me. I am sure there will be some challenges along the way, but that is all part of this and hopefully will have me laughing about them when I look back.
I had a strange conversation with s24 the other day, if I didnt know better I would have said he had been lurking around here and picked up some of the MLC phrases. He said that his d is acting really weird, kind of normal ?!! He said that since his d had the emotional breakdown with him in June and then again when s21 moved in with h, its like he has periods of a realization of how he has really messed up, then it takes him a while to process it and then he makes steps to mend it. He said it takes months from each realization to the mending stage ....almost like watching someone work in slow motion. We say here that time slows down for some one going through a MLC, what they see as only a few days is weeks even months. Its interesting that S24 has described exactly that happening.
H is definitely treating the boys very differently these days; he is more patient with them, more engaged in what they are doing and how they are, he is even trying to be helpful if they will let him. I cant say this is like the old h, as even the old h was not this tolerant, this really is a new h, its like he is reflecting on how he has been as a father and husband and seen that he could have done it so much better.
This is typical really, just my luck. He is emerging to be a responsible nice guy and a better person and I will miss out on it. At least the boys will have a more present father at last; even if they finding the change in him a bit odd and hard to get used to, so there is an upside to this new phase that h is in, how long it will last .....that is what we are all questioning ... sad that we are thinking this way huh. Suspicious
Love and Hugs to everyone xoxo
Lou,
I think it's wonderful that your sons are going to do the relocation for both your son and you. It's nice to see siblings working together.
Sounds like your h is having some serious moments of clarity. Maybe he's starting to realize how he's been and what he's done. Lots of mending the fences will need to be done by him in the years ahead.
Your own road trip sounds great. I'm sure your friends will be very happy to have you visit and stay a while. Sometimes we need those "solo" trips to recharge our batteries.
Your boss sounds like a nice guy and I'm very happy that he's going to give you a glowing reference.
Lou, it won't be long and it will be time to pack up and move! I'm very happy to see that things are starting to take shape for you, i.e., actually, I should say new adventures are on the horizon for you! I can't wait to read about all of the adventures that you have along the way.
Hi everyone,
Its been a while since I last updated, not much has happened really, but thought I would journal to keep you in the loop of my world.
So 4 weeks 4 days until I finish work, its really dragging now. I was fortunate enough to be a part of the selection and interviews for my replacement, it was really good to experience the process from the other side of the desk, hopefully it will help me be a better interviewee going forward to my next job, whatever that is. I am really looking forward to my trip, I have everything ready for it now and just want to get going.
4 weeks ago I was out walking in the local reserve, a walk I have been doing a lot as training for a longer mountain walk on my adventure. I was jogging up some steps and must of somehow taken one wrong, next thing I heard and felt was a tearing sound in my calf, made me feel instant nausea and a burning in my leg. Unfortunately it was at the half way point so it took me an hour to hobble back home in intense pain. Following day I went to a physio and she diagnosed me with a tear to the calf muscle, not the best timing so near to my road trip huh. I have had 4 weeks to physio so far, last week the swelling had gone down enough for her to find the actual tear site, she said she can put her thumbs right in ( yup felt that excruciating pain) so the tear is deep. Exercises and massage of the healing scar tissue is helping a lot and I can now drive my car again (its a manual) and walk down stairs, but I cant walk very far before it starts throbbing. She is confident I will be able to short 1 -2 hr walks for my trip but my big 9hr volcano hike is off the table ...... for now ..... oh ok, I better listen to my physio ha ha ha
Most of my house is packed up, I just have the kitchen to go now. S21 has booked the truck and ferry for March 8th, s23 will meet s21 on the way up to mine and they will do the rest of the journey together. This weekend s21 and h and moving s23 into his new house, which is where I will be basing myself until I decide on a location or job, whichever comes first.
True to form I haven't heard anything from h since mid January, its S23 birthday next week, so I wonder if he will acknowledge it like he did with s21, or whether it was just because it was S 21st. It is so similar to last time, sometimes a couple of days in between and sometimes months go by, he does stick to conversation about the boys only, which is what we agreed on; looking back, last time i helped him move in to more friendly conversation by being chatty and asking questions that he replied to, but this time I don't chat and I don't ask questions, because I have learnt that most of the time I won't get the answers I want to hear and I'm not really that interested in what he is doing ..or who ........ oh how I have grown ha ha ha
Its census time here in NZ, we have to fill out the form online this year, I have pre done mine as I am the only one living at my address. One of the questions was relationship status, it gave several choices, I ticked the " permanently separated from my legal married spouse/ civil union partner" , as i did it it crossed my mind that h would be filling his one in too in the next few days, i wonder if it will jog his memory that he has yet to file for d, or if he will just tick the separated box with no more thought to the question. If it does jog him to act then I hope he gets it done before I leave so at least I can have my adventure trip to process.
Emotions and feelings wise, lately been a bit all over the place. My job has been challenging the past few weeks, lots of rude and confrontational customers, staff members passing them over to me as they don't like dealing with them (oh and like I do??) it wears you down emotionally and mentally, I am very ready to leave now, so much so I am looking at what else I can do for a job that gets me away from customer service.
Then there is H, I really don't know why he still enters my everyday thoughts after all this time but he does, a lot of dreams with him in them lately, so I wake up with the image in my head which sticks for the day, not helpful as I don't have any control over what I dream about! I think the Doting Dad thing he is doing with the boys right now is not helping; don't get me wrong, I am happy for the boys that they have a present dad again, but a part of me that hopes he falls down and fails again as he doesn't deserve them after how he has treated them .... and yes, me ...does this make me a terrible person?
So that's all from me, just counting down the days until I pack my car and head down my driveway for the last time, I am partly excited and partly nervous, I ask myself " what ARE you doing?" many times, my answer always the same - changing direction, seeing where this roads leads to. I know I am doing the right thing, I cant stay as I am, sadness has crept in to every void in my body, he broke my heart, I need to find a way of mending my weary crushed soul ......ROAD TRIP yeeeehhaaaaa
Love n Hugs to you all xoxo
Hi Everyone, its been a few weeks since I posted and am now on the countdown to leaving on my latest adventure so thought I would bring you up to date.
My sons came to collect all my possessions, they are now all safely stored in s24 garage waiting for me to decide where they will be moved to next. I am now camping in my house, I'm making the most of an decent toilet and hot shower before its luke warm showers and long drop compost toilets ha ha
My last day of work is this Thursday, I have felt a bit lost over the past week as I step back allowing the new team I have been training to take the reins, but I am really looking forward to starting my adventure and seeing where the road takes me.
My boss has organised farewell drinks for me at a local pub/restaurant on Tuesday after work, I feel very humbled that despite me only having worked their for a short time that he feels I warrant such attention.
I will be catching up with friends over Easter and then doing last minute cleaning and packing before handing my house back on the 4th April.
Life is pretty quiet at the moment, nothing exciting to report, I am just getting things ready for my trip, finding ways to cut down space as the my car is not huge and I have a lot to get in to it. I had my car serviced last week ready for its journey and I have full breakdown cover just in case.
S24 let me know the plans for his wedding in August, he has booked a house for myself, his fiance mother and brother, then another house for h and s21 and his g/friend. The ceremony is in the afternoon and then we are all going to a country hotel for drinks and something to eat. That evening we are all going star gazing at an observatory and then back to the house I am staying in for dinner which they have organised a chef to come and prepare for us. There will be 8 of us altogether. I thought it was just the ceremony and then I would be able to leave, spending as little time as possible with h as we wont have seen each other in nearly 2 years and its going to be very awkward, I can already feel the anxiety building and its still 5 months away! .....I keep telling myself; perhaps he wont go ...
Nothing from H since mid January, I have dropped off his radar again. I admit I am sad, its been nice hearing from him again and reading his emails, he always writes so well and to my sense of humor, I was even enjoying the odd compliment. I do still miss him terribly and he (irritatingly) still enters my thoughts every day, but I accept that this is what he wants and I have to get on with my own life without him in it now.
So 4 more work days and I am free to do and go where I please until my bank balance tells me otherwise lol. I don't really have a plan, its kinda of the whole point of this adventure, I am booked in to stay with s21 early May so fingers crossed that the weather is on my side and the autumn chills hold off a little longer (although the boys have told me bring thermals as there is already snow on the ranges!!)
I will check in before I leave and hopefully update you all along the way, I am really excited about it .... and a little nervous at going in to the unknown ... but mainly excited.
Love and hugs to you all xoxo
Lou,
You've accomplished so much in a short span of time to get ready for your next adventure. I can't wait to read about it. You will figure out where you want to plant yourself when you are finished with this adventure. Take your time in making your decision.
As for the wedding, your son has thought of everything. Don't allow the anxiety to get to you...August is a ways away and things can and will change. Your h may not attend, but if he does...just be your beautiful self and socialize with everyone. Nothing says you have to spend all of your time around him. You can speak/nod your head and go off talking w/others if you wish.
Wishing you all of the best and hope that you will keep in touch. Please be careful and try to stay safe.
Lou! You sound great. Nervous but great.
I can't wait to hear about your further adventures. Keep your eyes open both for ambergris and the beauty that is all around us all.
(((LouR)))
Hi Lou! Wow, what an adventure you have ahead of you! That is really exciting, I hope you will be able to take us along and keep us updated. You have travelled a long hard road, I truly hope the one ahead is smooth, fun and full of great times.
The wedding, ya, I get your nervousness. Be yourself and don't let him take away from the wonderful day it will be.
Great to hear your update and see you here.
Good luck with everything and I look forward to your update.
Xxoo
M
Hi Everyone, I have been on the road for a week now, with everything that has happened it feels much longer than that!
Leaving work was easier than I thought it would be; it had become my family and a place to bury myself in work to distract me from my personal life. I only left 2 weeks ago and it already feels like I was never there; this proves that leaving was the right decision for me. I still keep in touch with a few people there, they are keen to follow my trip and know what I get up to next.
I moved out of my house last Wednesday so have been on the road for a week now, and what a week it has been! The first night I camped at a marine reserve, the site was right on the beach and I was the only one there. Unfortunately the wind got up in the afternoon and I could not find shelter for my gas cooker, so I gave up and had a bottle of water and a bar of chocolate for dinner lol. In the middle of the night the wind was so bad that it pulled my guy ropes out of the ground and bent my tent over me ...thankfully being a pop up tent it bounced back, which I actually found amusing after the intial shock was over. So at 2am I was outside in gale force winds trying to bash my guy rope pegs back in to the ground. In the morning the warden came to see me and said " a bit blowy last night huh" - ya think? I can chuckle about it now.
Day 2 I went to a reserve by a river, there was no one there when I arrived so I had pick of where to pitch my tent, I chose right by the river. Made myself a cup of tea and some dinner and watched the sun go down over the canyon walls, it was idyllic. Went for an evening stroll and then settled in for the night. Two very valuable lessons were learnt that night - tip 1: dont camp right by a sheltered river, moisture and no wind = a swimming pool on the top of your tent. tip 2: don't leave the awning up as that too becomes a swimming pool on top and when you need to get up in the middle of the night(due to listening to running water ...tip 3) and forget the awning is there, bump it with your head, you get wet, very very wet !!
Thankfully I was on my way to a g/friends house next so I bundled my stuff back in to my car and headed for hers. It was a sunny and windy day so I managed to get my tent dry and all my laundry done. Thank goodness for wonderful friends huh. I spent a couple of days with her and then headed off towards a beach with a lighthouse I had always wanted to see at sunrise. The weather had started to turn at this point, but I pitched my tent and went for a walk on the beach. The walk was amazing, incredible rock formations that you could climb up and see the waves crashing upon them on the other side. I then walked up to the lighthouse but by this time the skies were grey and dark and the rain was getting harder, so i headed back to camp. Well the storm hit and the tent shook and the rain found every and any vent hole to seep through, it was a really crazy night - next lesson - if its forecast rain rent a cabin for the night - unfortunately I was due in Wellington to catch the ferry to the South Island so I had to pack up my tent and all my stuff in torrential rain and wind. By this time my enthusiasm for camping had waned so I booked myself in to a holiday park cabin, washed and dried everything I owned and had a hot shower and early night, the storm still raging outside.
Next morning I get a text from the ferry - delayed possibly cancelled due to high seas ahhhhhhhh. So I went to the museum, had some lunch, had a quick walk in the bitter wind and rain and headed off to the ferry. Another text - delayed ahhhhhhhh. Finally 6pm I boarded, it was the first time I have been the driver going on to a ferry so I was feeling a bit nervous about the whole thing but I really need not have worried myself as it was very easy. the crossing was ok, a bit bumpy and rolling like a fairground ride, but considering the sea conditions I thought it was ok, got in to port at 10pm and I headed for a holiday park that I booked before I got on the ferry.That was yesterday.
So here I am on the South Island. A cold but sunny day
the park manager allowed me to pitch my tent up on the camp grounds to dry it out, it hasn't completely dried but it is good enough to use again. I went for a walk and looked around the marina (hoping to meet someone who would offer me a crew job hehe), then headed off in to the town to get some grocery supplies.
Tomorrow I meet up with another g/friend, I haven't decided if I am going to camp or cabin as I was informed that another storm is due early next week bringing more rain and snow. At this point i have to consider if I want to continue with my trip, can I afford to cabin my way around as that is a really expensive option for me. The alternative is to go to s21 for a few days and then head down to s23 where I am going to base myself until I have decided what I am going to do next.
Emotionally I have had my ups and downs, not so much about the camping issues; I seem to deal with everything as it comes up, no drama, just find solutions and go with it. However travelling around I see lots of couples doing the same thing and I have found that really hard. I had hoped that this time out would have cleared my head, instead I find myself missing h more, thinking about him everyday, I'm finding myself checking my emails in the hope I find one from him, or wondering if he will drop by when I go and visit s21. My head is telling me one thing and my heart is saying the total opposite, I really have no clue how to stop these feelings and put my tattered r to rest. Right now I feel more lost than ever and deep sadness that I no longer have the companionship, friendship and love from the man I married.
Don't get me wrong, my head knows that its not going to happen, he has made it clear that he is happy without me, I haven't heard from him in 3 months, he knows I am out camping, he knows I would have been in the recent storm, and yet he has not the desire to check I'm ok. It makes me wonder why he bothered making contact again, why when I asked if he wants continued contact he said yes, why disrupt the silence and then change his mind, its not as if there had been any conversation other than children and general chit chat. Sigh, i feel like I have the movie on constant loop again. I feel totally ridiculous, so much time passed and back to feeling this way again.
Anyway, I have to decide which road (literally) to take tomorrow, East or West ...... will let you know.
I hope everyone is faring well, love and hugs to you all, thanks for reading, listening, being here for me, I really appreciate it, my one safe place I know that I wont be judged for still feeling the way I do.
xoxo
darling these feelings are coming up for a reason. let them come up, feel them and release them to the sea, the wind and the sky.
Lou, you're on a walkabout. This is your rite of passage. You're going to face all the demons so you can acknowledge them and let them go. It's a deeper layer of healing. Lean in. Trust. It's the next step. You're ok - better than ok! You're amazing. That calm, steady person who is taking care of things without fuss and drama? That's you! That's the real you, uncovered by all the pain of your sitch. Know that this is just the next part to let go of ... is it h you're missing or the dream of the partnership - what it once was, and what you thought it would be? The dream is the last and hardest thing to let go of.
I'm proud of you for following your personal dream and dealing with all the crazy weather and camping stuff with such grace.
xoxoxoxo
Lou, your trip sounds amazing! A true walkabout. I think the feelings you are having seem appropriate and you need to let them out. A soul cleansing and release.
Based on what you said your S said about your H, I imagine that he is having some moments of clarity and having to work through it. I could see him not contacting you if he is having to wrestle his own demons at a snails pace. Try not to give that too much mind space. You have an awesome trip in front of you and you deserve to enjoy it to the max.
Hugs...
Lou,
I am so happy that you posted to let us know you are okay. Your trip has been an adventure thus far and I'm sure it will get better in the days ahead. The weather has been very unsettled in the States as well.
Travel safely and stay in touch!
Lou, I so can relate about the emotional ups and downs, and about feeling ridiculous… I’m way farther on my journey than you are, coming up to 6 years post DB, and I am still not 100% over it. Well… in my case, H is in contact pretty regularly, about one thing or another. And we still have some joint stuff, that he seems in no hurry to separate. And… he’s been awfully nice for some time, and especially recently… All these probably don’t help…
Just like bttrfly said, every iteration of our emotions is the next layer of healing. And, yes, the dreams are the hardest thing to let go of.
bttrfly, I absolute love your post! I’m going to save it for me.
aww {{{{{{{ bright }}}}}}} mwah :*
Thank you so much AndrewP,sjohns6, bttrfly,job and bright for your lovely replies.
Andrew: Thank you. <3 <3 <3 back to you
Bttrfly: My darling friend thank you so much for the pep talk and motivation ... you should write a life coach book, seriously, you always know exactly what to say to keep me going.
sjohns6: Thank you, and you are right, I need to put a lot less thought time in to h, it is a waste of my energy. Like I said, my head tells me the right things but my heart pulls me the opposite way. Its now 4 years since BD, he continues to dip in and out of my space, I have tried so hard to live my own life, continue to move forwards without him, but each time he dips in I do look back and probably linger on the spot a bit too long.
job:It seems that we had a couple of weeks of autumn and then straight into the beginning of winter! Its something that I could not have predicted happening on my trip, I do feel that I have adapted my direction to the conditions and so far my decisions have all worked out. H was the one who always made the decisions, problem solving and logistics is his area, so I have been a bit overwhelmed at times having to deal with everything that has arisen so far, but each time I do it I become more confident and relaxed in knowing I will be ok.
Bright: They don't make moving on easy do they !! I had lunch with a g/friend yesterday and she said "I feel as long as you are being proactive and continuing to live your life as best you can, then getting over your r can take as long as it takes ...however if your still hung up on your h in another 4 years time I'm going to kick your a$$" lol. I gave her permission to do so !!
So update time -
I took the east route.
Yesterday I had lunch with my g/friend, I had not seen her in person for 3 years, so it was really lovely to spend time with her catching up. We went for a walk in the hills, the view was incredible, mountain ranges all green with forest and grasslands. We drove through the wineries to a little area with some boutique shops and a cafe, had lunch and then went back to her house. It was so good to have a long natter, we usually ring each other each week, but their is nothing like chatting in person.
At 3pm I made the journey to Christchurch, it was a 4.5hr journey, i am not used to driving for that long and the majority of the road was no stopping due to roadworks repairing the earthquake damage, so I stopped an hour in to my trip for a quick stretch and then did the last 3.5hrs non stop. It was ok and i arrived in good time, found my s21 flat in time for dinner coming out of the oven!! We chatted for a couple of hours, and I felt very old when at 10pm they started getting ready to go out for the night and I was off to bed hahaha.
I slept well, but in the morning I had a bit of a (best way to describe it as) nauseous feeling. Knowing h is just up the road from where i am, I know its irrational, but still the feeling was there. So I got up and drove a while to some hills overlooking a bay and went for a long walk, it was beautiful, the sun in the sky and not many people were around. I took lots of photos and with so many tracks to take I want to return there to do some of the more challenging ones.
On the way home I called in to a supermarket and in the car park thought I saw h - it wasnt him of course, this is a city and the likelihood of me bumping in to h is extremely low - but at that moment I had a bit of a panic feeling, especially as the man was in a car with someone else .... so I got in my car and out of the carpark as quick as I could. I feel really silly, i mean talk about over reaction! Since then I have felt uncomfortable staying here, but as bttrfly pointed out, this is all part of the healing process and I must allow myself to feel it, so I am hoping to stay with s21 for a while longer.
So that's the latest, I still travelling and hoping to still have at least another 6 weeks off before I have to return to reality and get a job and home again.
Thanks for reading and for all your replies, they are all very much appreciated.
Love n Hugs to you all xoxo
Hi Lou!
I really enjoyed reading your adventures and update. I have to say, I am a bit of a baby with camping, so reading about the storms, in a tent, on your own.....girlfriend, you are amazing!
I am so happy to hear you are out living your journey, I envy that. Your feeling about H, I totally get it. Being about the same length into it, I think what I mourn the most today is the dream of H, all the plans I had for us. It's been the hardest part to accept for me. I also find I think of H more when I am off doing things other than my day to day life, so I am not surprised he is heavy on your mind. Like others said, feel it and try to let it pass.
Thank you for updating us and I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Be safe,
M
Um, my post has not appeared, can anyone tell me what I may have done wrong?
I am not sure what happened to my last post? Waaaay too long maybe !!
Hello Everyone, its been a long time since I last updated, I should have dropped in sooner and reached out to my dear friends here, but I have been struggling and sunk so low that I have become insular and withdrawn from everyone. But I am here now and that is a good start.
My trip encountered challenge after challenge, the weather was not on my side and my enthusiasm and bank balance took a hit, so I gave in about 4 weeks ago and after staying with s21 for a few days I headed to S24, pleased to have a roof over my head and a hot shower.
When I first arrived I went on lots of day trips and explored the area, I can see why s24 said I would love it here, its really me and I would love to settle here, however the universe appears to not agree. The town I am living in is very small and after 4 weeks I have had no joy with employment and with limited business here I am not confident this situation will change anytime soon. This means my allowance for this period is running out rapidly and even with some frugality I will be hitting my limited savings very soon. On top of that I have had a lot of time to myself and whilst I know that I will most likely look back and be thankful of this time, right now, allowing myself to feel everything that life has thrown at me has caused me so enormous highs (how far I have come, how much I have grown in strength and mind) and extreme lows (how much I have lost, complete heartbroken over h, my situation now), most of the time its all in one day and quite honestly I am emotional drained and don't feel I can take any more hits.
I can see now that all I have been doing is running away and hoping that someone, anyone, will save me, will stop this pain and remove me from this horrible life that I have somehow ended up in. I held on to the fantasy that h would return again, after all, we are still married and he has done it once before, I kept that thought alive, that maybe he was feeling the same again but did not know how to come back or that if he even should, so if I gave him the excuse, permission, then all would be fine in the world again. Then there is the boys, I was so happy to think they wanted me living near them, my role has always been a mum and to be given that chance back, it felt familiar and safe, however it does not make it right. Both the boys are living their own lives, dealing with the ups and downs that come along and I am very proud that they have both become independent young men, but after staying with them I can see that I would still be as much their mum on the end of a phone as I am in person and this move was more for me than them.
Ah, but pushing everything down deep eventually comes back up, and that is what has happened along my latest adventure. S tells me that h does ask after me but feels its more conversation chit chat than actual interest. H also sent messages through s21 for me when I was staying with him, which was hard for me to know that despite me being just down the road he could not face me or even send me a text asking himself. I sunk really low at this point. S21 also said his dad asked him how i felt about him these days as he is not sure if he should go to the wedding, he does not want to cause upset. I told s21 that if his dad asks him again then please say "ask mum" as I dont feel its acceptable that he is putting either of our s in the middle. He has my email and my phone number, if he wants to know what I am thinking or feeling then the only person who knows the answer to that is me. He did say his dad has gone back to being a bit moochy but is loving his job and has good friends and seems happy enough.
Anyway, then s24 told me yesterday that h is coming down to visit next weekend but because I am staying with him (in the sleepout attached to the garage not in the house) he wont come to the house so is staying with friends 1hr away and wants s24 to go visit him there. I am once again upset, I am that repulsive to him, is the thought of being in the same place with me so awful that he is doing everything he can to avoid it? Another sinking moment.
I look back and try to recall a day when I have not cried, when I have not felt lost and sad, I just cant remember. When he came back, that is the last time I felt alive and happy.
So now I have cried and sobbed and seen that all I was doing is hiding and running and looking for a saviour, after I have sat at the bottom of the hole (well I hope it was the bottom as I dont think I can take anymore) and thrown myself the pity party of the year, I am looking up and know that I need to do something proactive before I end up with no energy left to pick myself up and move again. So what do I do now? I feel stuck in a bad situation, but I know there is an answer, doing nothing is not an option. It is unlikely I will find a job here, a least one that will cover rent, power and some food, nevermind anything else,plus there are not many rentals here so I would have to look outside the town which means gas for the car to travel to work. However much I love it, i don't think staying is an option. However I have made so many doozey decisions I am second guessing myself, plus with dwindling finances I cannot afford to make any more wrong moves.
What is done is done, I cant change any of it, so now need to find a way out of this and help myself get back on track again.
For those of you who have battled through to the end I thank you, you are my rocks and I right now I am clinging on.
Love n hugs xoxo
Lou,
We have been experiencing some issues w/the forum for about 3-4 weeks and we have found that using special characters and long postings don't always come through to be posted.
I am so sorry to read that you are having some really downer days. You have experienced quite a bit since going on your adventure and that is what it was...an adventure. You've learned a lot about yourself and have begun to face many challenges that you will need to go through and not around them in order to get to the other side.
I am glad you are at your son's place. Now, about your h, you are looking at his visit and him staying an hour away as him not wanting to see you. I, may be wrong, but I don't see it that way. I see him as giving you your space and him not wanting to upset you since his last try at reconciling w/you. I'm not a mind reader, but I wouldn't think he can't stand to be around you at all. If he didn't have feelings for you, he wouldn't inquire about you. Maybe he doesn't know how to reach out you after that failed reconciliation. Maybe he's waiting for you to give him a sign that you would be willing to talk to him. MLCers are like scared colts in a field. One sudden move and they are off running away from the person trying to pet them. He doesn't know how you feel and he's scared of being rejected by you. I know, he rejected the reconciliation...but he's had plenty of time to grow up just a bit.
Lou, if you feel up to it, drop some bread crumbs and see if he'll respond to you.
I hope you feel better soon.
Hi Job, thank you so much for your reply, I needed to hear from a friend.
I had pre written my post then copied it in to my thread to save internet data, this may have been the issue with my post.
Yes this has been an adventure, and I have learnt a lot about myself. I know that this is just a period in time and one day I will look back and say " geez, did I really live through that!"
Thank you for your thoughts re h and a different perspective, I value your opinions. I did think about what you said regarding him still feeling something when he contacted last year, I wondered why he was so bothered what I thought about him, that he didn't want to be seen as the bad guy anymore than he is, if he didn't care then he wouldn't have been bothered what I thought about s21 moving to him. But I dismissed it as me mind reading as that is a dangerous sport.
You are more expert in this area, if I decide to reach out, what form do you suggest it takes, to be honest I have many things I could say but know that they could all open up a can of worms so just remain quiet instead.
Any thoughts would be gratefully received while I figure out if I am ready to handle whatever happens as a consequence.
Love n Hugs xoxo
My dear Lou - I'm so sorry to hear of your struggles. There's a trick with the current forum that pressing the Quick Quote button reveals the invisible posts so I read both of yours. You are of course worth the effort.
I however am still going through the extremely painful process of trying (unsuccessfully) to fall out of love with someone who I am still very much in love with.
Lou my dear, you are in love with a memory. Not a person. And perhaps a memory of a person who never existing. We can't know.
Those of us who have been at this a while like yourself know that love, true love, isn't something that we can just turn off. It's something that we have to grow away from. Something we have to release and let go. At least that was what it was for me. Still though, 2 years out and a year and a half from abandoning hope, this morning I felt my ex-wife in my arms. It was so very real. So real in fact that I had to open my eyes to assure myself that she was not there.
You are dealing with a lot right now. More than most people could imagine having to deal with. The added stress of the physical or even the potential physical presence of your H is not doing you any good. That is a feeling that I know well and for all that it's insubstantial it is still difficult.
Small town life I know well and I personally love it. I can understand how you, as a stranger are having difficulty. My suggestion is for you to check to see if there are any ways you can get involved. Volunteering at the local library. Make connections. That's how small towns work. My S23 got his job through the local poker game for example. It's tough when your finances are burning up I know. For now I would suggest mainly focusing on you.
I know you won't like this suggestion, but have you considered asking with the local court office about getting a temporary support order?
Know that we are keeping you in our hearts and prayers ((((LouR))))
Lou,
If you decide to reach out, you could do it by email/text and say, "I understand that you are going to be in there area. Would you like to come by our son's place or meet up for a coffee?" You can figure out how you want to word it, but keep in mind, that if he accepts you will need to listen and allow him to do most of the talking. He needs to feel "safe" in your company once again.
Thank you Andrew and job for your replies.
Andrew - It is good to hear from you my friend, I see you have jumped over to another forum so thank you for checking in and taking the time to write to me. As always very much appreciated.
Yes I am stressed, but I did put myself in this position. I felt like I was dying inside and had an overwhelming need to be on my own and have a meltdown, something I had not really had the opportunity to do once he left after BD2. It was not the most sensible of moves and made from a very bad head space but its done now so time to get myself out of this pit.
I came from a small village, smaller than the town I am currently living in, so I am used to being rural, but this town really has nothing going for it, yes I completely agree it is who you know not what you know, but unfortunately they are big on casual and part time work here and that is not going to work for me. You get taxed heavily on a second job so even if I managed to marry two part time jobs together the income would be less than a full time. Its an area that I really should have thought about first, hindsight is a wonderful thing, I can see that I have not been in a clear headsapce for a long time.
As for Government help, I actually registered this morning for a client number with the thought of applying for Job Seeker Allowance, I had started the forms and up popped my h name as my registered partner, I had to answer a lot of questions about him and our current status, which proved a stomach churning ordeal for me, it there in black and white all business like. Then went on to why I need to apply for assistance, and turns out I have to be unemployed for 13 weeks and they take it from the date my holiday pay finished so really that was that, I cant apply yet. I have enough to get me to that point, but feel that I will have decided that staying here is not possible by then.
job - thank you, keep it simple, got it. I haven't done anything yet, I am not sure if I can. The knowledge I could possibly make this worse keeps me from saying hello. If you are right then the only one who can make the first move is me, but I consider the fact that perhaps he is fine, has someone else in his life now and just feels guilt for causing me pain, nothing more, he is (was) a caring guy to everyone around him, he has already said "I care about you, I care how you are" in an email last year and if he really wanted to come back in my life would he not test the waters himself? lol, I recall having this conversation before !!
I know that there is only one way to find out ........
Hi my love,
I will have more to say later, but for now, here are some quick thoughts:
1. If I'd blown up your world twice, I'd avoid you like the plague out of both guilt and shame for my behavior.
2. Right now the main thing is where do you want to live? Do you want to stay in NZ or do you want to go back to the UK where your friend had offered you a position a while ago. Is there someplace close to the boys that has greater employment opportunities?
3. In my experience the harder I've tried to stop loving someone, the closer the ties seemed to bind me. It has only been by focusing on my own life that the pain has become bearable. As for my love for exh - well, I'm sure that's still there, buried. It comes to the surface every so often, crashing like a wave on the beach then retreating again. This trip has stripped away a lot of layers and you're uncomfortable right now because your newborn skin hasn't had a chance to get tough yet. It will. Take this time to figure out who Lou is, separate from Mom, wife, partner. What are your core values? What makes you who you are? What's left? Build on that foundation. Trust me when I tell you that it will be rock solid.
Yes the black and white business reality of our situations is both stomach churning and scary. But denying it is more frightening and dangerous, I believe.
Lou it won't always be this way, I promise you. I wish I had more to offer right now, but I don't so will just end with a hug xoxoxoxoxo
Bttrfly, hello my darling friend, I am so happy to hear from you.
Yes, I see your point and mirrors what job has pointed out. I am perhaps sensitive to the "matter of fact" brutality of his words when he left both times, the possiblity he thinks differently from that now is hard to imagine; had this been round 1 I probably would be giving him a pass, but once bitten, twice shy as they say. I know that this is something I should to do, a brick that needs to put in its place and then I can figure out where I am and what I need.
This morning I have been talking to my ex colleague at the party hire, she said she feels my boss would be more than happy to have me back, that he completely understood my reasons for leaving and was 100% behind them, so call him and ask.I haven't done that yet, I think I need to lay this h thing to rest before I make another bold move.
At the time I needed to give everything up in order to have no fall back, that way I would have no choice to deal with everything. I actually enjoyed (most days lol) my job, it gave me elements of everything, creativity, responsibility and planning, it pushed me and it was fluid, I was able to run with my ideas. Unfortunately I was so unhappy and unsettled that I did not enjoy it as much as I feel I would now. On top of that I have seen how insular I have become and I turned my back on nurturing friendships as I was just in so much pain all I saw was other people having happy lives and mine was in turmoil. But for those who have pushed on and made sure they continued to be in my life, I feel very blessed and humbled that they saw me struggling and would not let me push them away. The main ones have surprised me and they are the new friendships that i forged where I used to live.
So to answer your question, it is possible that going full circle is where I would be happiest .... for now, as who knows what the future will bring .... I have friends there, it is warmer lol, and there is a bigger industry to get work, its familiar and I actually miss it. But as I also mentioned previously, I am concerned that I am making one decision after another and its just causing continual chaos in my life. If I say i am heading back to the North then I have to stop and stay and build a life there, no more running around.
Morning dearest.
Hmm. I didn't expect you to say that at all, about heading North I mean. I think ... that might be a good plan, Lou, after you put that brick in place.
You don't have to stay there forever, just for now. If in time you feel that you've grown beyond that, you can make a different choice.
Make sense? I think you've answered your question my friend. Make the move with exh then make the call to your old boss.
Much love to you xoxoxo
Hi Bttrfly,
Haha, I like it that I am not predictable !!
You are very right and very wise. Email to h has been sent, we shall see what he does with it. I did not ask to meet up, if he replies to this one then maybe I will suggest it, as job said, drop some breadcrumbs and see if he takes them. Slowly and quietly testing the waters.
Love n Hugs to you xoxo
Just a quick update, h already emailed me back, short version is:
As always nice to hear from you, thanks for writing.
Talked about the boys a bit
Was hoping i would get in contact while I was staying with s21, he thought he would leave it to me to do so and that he had asked s21 to let me know it was an option
He is not coming down this weekend now, the trip has been postponed.Said yes he would feel awkward if I was around and feels it would also be awkward for S24 so thats why he suggested s24 go meet him where he is staying.
Asked how I am finding the new location, apart from being cold and is it somewhere I can see myself settling.
Gave update on our dogs, getting old girls now and slowing down.
Said he is enjoying his new job, pays well. Went to Thailand a few months ago to get his teeth fixed (has been wanting to do that for years) got a holiday in with it for the same price as doing in NZ and his parents flew out to meet him there as it is was half the travel time for them and they are getting too old to travel long haul.
Signed off, stay warm best you can, Love Me x
I have written back - short version:
Thanks for writing back
replied to comment about s21
said s21 did not pass on the message and that is a shame as it would have been nice to have met up with him. I was hoping he would have contacted me so took his silence as his message. Seems we are both as bad as each other and I really dont want it to be like this if that helps him at all.
Acknowledged what he said about the dogs, job and his trip.
Replied to his question about settling where I am.
Short end and signed off.
So no further forward, he is not giving anything away and there is no meet up, so not sure how to proceed. Is it up to me to keep checking in or do i leave him to it now? He seems to keep putting the ball in my court without telling me its there!
Lou, I found your most recent update to be very brave. It's so hard to turn that lens on ourselves and recognize the mirror work we need to do.
We have everything we need inside ourselves. We will heal and grow stronger. Peace awaits you.
Keep moving forward and the healing will come.
Lou,
If I were in your shoes, I would leave it be for a while. He needs some time to mull over the email conversations for a bit. He knows now that you are okay and aren't angry w/him...so give him space. You've opened the door for communication and now it's up to him to step over the threshold.
Now, it's time for you to focus on yourself and do what you need to do to move forward. You can't make him or his journey move faster for you...so you have to take care of you until he either gets thru his crisis on you completely move on.
Lou, be kind and gentle to yourself. You've had a lot of stuff going on and now, you need to tackle each and every obstacle, one by one, i.e., it's like rebuilding your life, one brick at a time. You've got this. Don't try to build your new life all at once...it's a step at a time.
I have long believed that a big part of figuring out what you want in your life, is figuring out what you don't. Perhaps you are an existentialist at heart. You must cast aside everything you believe to be true to create your own existence anew. Kudos to you for having the strength and the courage to do what so many (myself included) could never do.
Lou, you are an amazing lady! If it wasn't for my D I would love to have
gone travelling but i don't think I would have had the guts!
Did you ever read the book The Wild? It's also a film now. After I read it I cried. It's very inspirational and it reminds me of you!
Your H will most probably be shocked if he heard of your adventures!
Thank you everyone for your advice and support.
HaWho - Thank you, I have "felt" a lot during these past few weeks, extreme highs and lows, at times emptiness which I took as having cleared some of the emotional baggage out, I am actually not sure how much, if any, I have let go, I feel ok about things on one level and then feel like nothing has changed on another. I know its a process, and I have most likely gone about dealing with it the hard way, but 4 yrs after BD1 I really did not see myself still feeling this way.
job - thank you for the advice re h, he emailed me again today, just a short message, but kind and funny. More on that later. I know I need to focus on myself and build my own world up, I get frustrated at myself for not seemingly be able to completely dedicate my thoughts to doing it. I look back and see that over the last 4 years I have achieved a great deal, I have survived everything that I threw at myself and that has been thrown at me, I have gathered a few tools for my well traveled (haha) toolbox and yet here I am still feeling the same way. I know it takes time, there is no right way, wrong way yadda yadda yadda, yet I cannot seem to find peace and that effects my emotional state. I hope this makes sense, a lot of rambling!
OwnIt - thank you for your thoughts - I have no clue as to what,why, who and where, everything is a mystery to me. I suppose my life was controlled by my parents, then by my h's career, so having my own thoughts and desires in life wasn't even a consideration, you don't miss what you never had kind of thing. So to be then told to go, be free, find yourself and be happy, well its proving to be a big challenge for me. I thank you for being so kind, I don't consider myself having courage, I see it as aimlessly seeking answers! But thank you.
Coly23 - I have to say that travelling on your own in an incredible experience. You have total freedom to do whatever you want with no one else to please. People have spoken to me as I was on my own, that is something that doesn't happen when your with someone else, you tend to stay in your own group, and the biggest thing is getting yourself over challenges as you have no one else to bail you out, and that for me has been the biggest lesson, I no longer fear doing things and going places on my own ..... although I have yet to conquer the going out for dinner challenge, a cheeky fast food joint doesn't count!
So todays update -
An ex work colleague got in touch with me yesterday to tell me that if things dont work out in South please know I can have my job back. Was really nice to hear this, but its running away again and I left the area for various reasons and if I go back nothing will have changed, so while I have it as a Plan B I want to try and make a go of things here and stop for a while.
Then I got an email from the Supermarket offering me the lowest pay rate that I said I would accept and asking me to reconsider their offer. Its a no brainer really, if I treat it as a breathing space job it answers my immediate problem of cash flow and will give me time to gather myself. Maybe its just what I need while I am still feeling unsettled in myself. Will give me an easy job and get me in to a home and still in the area of s24. So I accepted the job this morning and the contracts are in the post, I hope to start next week. Stacking bread was not what I imagined doing, but then nor was cleaning vomit off the floor, which I found myself doing for my first job, its a job, its income and I am grateful for release of my current stress.
On to the email from H - was a short one, asking if I have a plan b if I cant get work and suggesting a location that I might have more luck in. He said that it is just as cold though and has more hills - which lead him in to his next bit.
He then said "talking of hills, Happy Birthday for Friday, at the ridiculously advanced age of 48, you may not be able to do hills for much longer .....
It has been a long standing joke between us forever, he is 3 months younger than I am, so for 3 months of the year I got every old joke thrown at me until his Birthday. I would return it by saying things like - You are only as old as the woman you feel and I think its quite a compliment that I can bag a toy boy for myself.
It did make me smile, its very him and I admit to have an emotional twist in my stomach, the fact he acknowledged it this year (last year he didn't, first time ever} felt a little pang of both awwwww and hmmmmm sigh.
I have replied back, maybe not what I should have said and could be seen as playing a risky game, however, if he is ever going to see me as a friend then the ice has to be thawed somehow.
I wrote a reply about plan b and thanked him for his suggestion, then told him about the job offers I got yesterday. This was all a bit long and rambling, but its how I write and he would be used to it, probably read things in to me just writing one line! Then I said "Well Thank You kindly for the birthday greeting, you enjoy the next few months as I'm coming back at cha, counting the days Mr LouR, counting the days (smiley face)
Too much too soon?? hehe.
Got an email from my new work place, I have induction on Tuesday morning and then start work on Wednesday, I am looking forward to having a distraction from my head and having something to do.
h emailed me tonight, he asked about my new job, my living situation and then asked if i can let him know how much he still has left to pay me as he is looking at his finances.
I have replied, kept it very short, answered his questions and then added that he is welcome to text me if he still has my number - his email and my reply would have been a fairly short text.
So good for stepping back for a while and letting him mull the new contact over, this week has been very confusing for me. I am not sure where this is leading; is he heading towards d conversations or just trying to find a way of being friends, he isn't giving anything away, but today's interaction put a knot in my stomach, i am feeling uneasy. That will teach me for poking the fire and igniting an ember huh.
Anyway, I am planning to enjoy my last few days off before I start work again, its been a while since I had to get up in the morning, and this is a 6.30am start job so I will be getting up in the dark ugh, not so keen on cold winter mornings !! I have had a look at houses today, not many around at the moment, but I wont be looking to move for a few weeks, I may as well make the most of the cheap rent I am paying s, although my room does not have heating so I dont want to stay here too much longer.
Nothing Stays the Same - so very true.
Love n Hugs xoxo
Good luck with the new job!
Love n Hugs right back atcha.
Lou,
Good luck with the job! I'm sure you will find it a distraction for a bit. Don't look too far ahead, focus on today, as it is a present, the past gone and tomorrow is the future and one we can't predict. It will unfold the way the man upstairs wants it to unfold.
Enjoy your last few days before starting work.
Hello my love and good luck with the new gig. Yes, remember the vomit clearing job, and how far you've come INTERNALLY.
Re: MrLouR-in-absentia (now known as MaLaRIA, lol) - just take everything at face value to the best of your ability. When your Monkey Mind starts to race, say a mantra or do a quick meditation to keep you in the here and now. If you need a mantra, let me know.
I'm terribly proud of you, Lou! I really, really am! You're AMAZEBALLS as the kiddos say!
xoxoxoxo
oh - I also wanted to ask you something - are your TSH levels on track? That can truly affect your peace of mind!
Exactly what I was going to ask bttrfly!
Remember that low thyroid can cause depression, anxiety, lack of motivation. And thyroid levels can fluctuate even if you're taking your thyroid medication regularly. I'd recheck your levels promptly. TSH should be below 1.
Thank you all for your replies.
Andrew - Mwah, you are the best.
job - thank you, its a start, been here before and will rise again. Actually looking forward to doing something different and been thinking to put less focus on the job I do and more on the life I have outside it.
Bttrfly - My gorgeous friend, mwah mwah to you, thank you for being my cheerleader. I have been in a really dark place lately and coming here and finding such beautiful souls to keep me going is a gift from my angels.
kml - Haha, I can always rely on you and bttrfly to keep me on track with my TSH !! I had my bloods done 3 months ago, just before I left on my travels. It came back the lowest its been in a long time, 2.71, their margins are 0,4 - 4 so I am well in between that and unless it goes over 4 they wont change my dose, I can tell my dr I am not feeling great until I am blue in the face, he just says that my levels are fine and he feels I have had a lot of changes in my life, but as I am continuing to be proactive, I work, I travel I make plans, he does not feel its depression, he feels its purely grieving and adjusting to my new situation. Now I have moved I will be registering with a new Dr, I have 3 months of meds left so will try to get tested just before they run out.
I really do feel that its a case of me facing what has gone on, when he left after BD2 I buried myself in work, I would work extra hours and extra days, I took on so much responsibility that I did not have the space to think about anything else. Then added a man in to the mix just to fill my time away from work( what a crazy few months that was!) so its no wonder that I have had a meltdown, I have had to face reality in all its glory. I knew it had to happen which is why I took the trip, to get it in the open and to stop bottling it up, building like a pressure cooker.
I don't know where life will take me, I do know I am not in the same place (literally ha ha) that I was 4 years ago, I still feel the depth of loss as deeply as ever, but these days I know that nothing stays the same and nor will these feelings, the intensity will fade.
I also know that I have done everything I can as a stander, I have been kind, considerate and accommodating, I have held out the olive branch from time to time so he knows I have not become an Ice Queen and that he is welcome in my world, that it is a safe place. If he doesn't find his way back to me or doesn't want to, then it wont have been through lack of compassion and commitment on my part so I go forward with ease knowing I could and can do no more than I am doing. I hope that we can continue to remain on a level of friendliness, even if its just for our boys.
He is currently still contacting me, an email this morning to which I have replied. I asked a couple of questions in this one, up until now I have not asked anything. Was nothing hard, just asked him about the rugby and how the girls (dogs) are coping with the cold snap we are having. Keeping it simple and letting him tell me what he wants me to know in his own time, be it good or bad.
Been to the beach this morning, -2 but sunny skies. Now just enjoying a cup of tea to warm my hands up and opening some gifts from my g/friends. S21 rang me earlier, he is doing fine and that makes me a happy mama, was lovely to speak to him. I haven't seen s24 yet, he and fiance have gone somewhere for the day in a mad rush, I think it has something to do with the wedding. Oh and bought myself a trifle for dessert, I haven't had trifle in years, saw it and thought why not, treat myself!
Thanks everyone, I don't have the right words to tell you how much it means to me that you are around to tell my ramblings, woes, struggles and triumphs to. We talk about the LBS being the rock for their MLC'er but you guys are this LBS rock, you have weathered many a storm with me and kept me from drowning, so thank you xoxo
Sorry but a TSH of 2.7 is lousy for a thyroid patient on thyroid hormone. Should be 1.0 or below. Fertility research on hypothyroid patients shows they have the best chance of successful pregnancy if their TSH is around 1.0. If it works for pregnancy doesn't it make sense that the rest of us should be there too?
Btw the normal range for TSH is designed for screening patients to see if they have thyroid disease. It may not be the right range for managing thyroid patients in replacement.
At 2.7, about 85% of normal people have a lower TSH than you do. The
exh's was 17 when he walked out and hit 28 by the time he saw a different dr and went on a diffferent med, that he says started working almost immediately.
Lou, listen to Ellie - that is nothing to mess with. xoxoxo
Hi kml and bttrfly
Thank you for your posts, I heard normal is around 2. I have had to fight to be put on the dose that I am on as they don't treat until you are over 10 here, so unless I go over 4 again I will not be heard, I have seen a few drs now and they all say the same.
Bttrfly - Geez, I cant imagine being 28 !!, my highest has been 7 and that wiped me out.
I have felt better than this at a higher level so I really do not think its thyroid, I feel its just me continually pushing against this process. I know having h dip in and out of my life is not helping matters, he has not been a nasty MLC'er at all, I don't get spew or extreme behaviors, just rejection. When we are in contact its easy, we fall in to conversation as easily as we fall out of it. Is this typical for a someone going through MLC?
Anyway, today I have been plodding through my online induction courses for my new job, only one left to do. I have to go and buy some shoes and pants for uniform and then am all set.
Hi Lou! I just thought I'd check in to see how the new job is working out and if you are settling down for winter there.
It's been an absolutely lovely summer here. I suppose we have to trade off.
((LouR))
Hi LouR - just checking in on you. It's been a while.
Hope that your spring-time is on the way after the long dark months of winter.
Hi Andrew, thank you for checking in on me
I know its been a while, I have been plodding along, nothing much to tell really. Work is; well a pay cheque .... thats about as exciting as it gets. Physically its a challenging job and I struggle towards the end of my work week, bruises on bruises, but its keeping me fit so there is an up side somewhere in this. No new jobs to apply for, it doesn't look promising so maybe will go to plan b, or in my case plan k by now haha
I am still living in s24 sleepout, i have a radiator and a hot water bottle to keep me warm on the cold winter nights; its actually a lovely little space and I feel quite at home in it. S24 has agreed for me to remain living in it until Easter next year, this will help me save money as renting on my current wage would have me living pay cq to pay cq with no room for any emergency, so this way I can build a buffer up. I am also toying with the idea of doing some extended travel next year, as lets face it I don't have anything else going for my life anymore.
S24 gets married in 2 weeks time, they appear to have everything sorted. H has decided to drive down to the location on the day and leave straight after dinner. It has upset s24 that h was not making the effort to stay like everyone else, and more because s21 was coming with him so would not be staying either, but since then s21 has decided to drive down on his own and stay in my accommodation with me. I have got my outfit - remember my Happy Day Dress that I bought when h first left, well its never been worn and I can just about still fit in it (I had lost oodles of weight when I bought it) so its finally going to be worn. Feelings wise, very apprehensive about seeing H again, it will be nearly 2 years since he left on bd2, but he wont be hanging around so I only have to get through a few hours with him. There will only be 8 of us at the wedding so its not a case of go talk to someone else and ignore he is there !!
On the H front, emails continued for a week beginning of June, just chit chat stuff really and then they stopped. He then emailed me a couple of days ago saying that he is giving me the rest of what he owes (not much so dont get excited), hoped things were ok with my job and how am I. I replied to his email, saying that it feels a bit sad about having the money in one lump sum instead of his current monthly payments as it feels like the last tie between us is being cut. He replied that its not the last tie, that we still have the boys connecting us, well s21 at least as s24 is barely talking to him these days, communication has fizzled out over this year and that s21 has said that its because s24 is seeing me having to live in his sleepout , alone and sees it as being h fault and that once i move out and become settled then he hopes s24 will come around again. BAHAHAHAHA seriously, what ??
s21 happened to be visiting at the weekend so I managed to get him alone for a while to talk to him about the email. He said that his dad kept asking him if he had heard from s24 and is he ok, and does he know why s24 is not talking to him anymore. He kept asking and asking until s21 got so fed up he just guessed at a reason. Well seems h has taken it as fact and now appears to blame me for s24 not talking to him anymore !!? Apparently h also said to s21 "doesn't s24 realize that I have suffered and struggled just as much as mum, I have had it just as hard, but I have picked myself up and got on with it, your mum had a really good job (laughable) and a lovely home (that I could not afford to stay in) , it was her choice to move, its not my fault its not worked out for her" ummmmmmm let me remind you of the promises to keep me safe and secure for the rest of my life if I gave up having a career to look after your children and following you around the world career chasing ...... grrrrrrr what does he think I should be doing - great job, fantastic wage, bought a home and found a new man ?!
Anyway, s21 just laughed at it, said that his dad lives in denial and that he puts on a happy front, says life is great to all around him, but he is just faking it until he makes it, as underneath it he is deeply confused, guilty and unhappy. I did write back explaining that I am staying in the sleepout through choice not necessity and whilst there is probably some merit to what s21 has told him that it goes deeper than that for s24 and he needs to work it out with him. Then I deleted the email as I feel that I am justifying myself to him and why should i have to do that?
He seems to pop up every now and then, finding a reason to say hi, the emails are less about the boys and more chit chat. As for me, I can't really be bothered about him anymore, I see him as following a pattern of chasing happiness and not finding it (the latest is to release his pension early and use it as a deposit to buy a house), I see the manipulation within his contact, so I have stepped right away, the focus is completely on me these days. I feel total panic that I dont have a secure future for my grey years. I see the poverty and hardship ahead of me and that scares me a lot. I am still very lost in what I want to do, where I want to be and who I want to be, I suppose the first step was to let go of h which I have done, now its the long and difficult road to discovering my own happiness and self.
So for now I am just going to work, taking walks on the beach and getting through the winter, looking forward to spring and some warmth again.
Love and hugs to you all xoxo
Thanks for the update LouR. It sounds like you are doing your best in trying times to firmly hold your chin up.
Keep your eyes open for ambergris
You never know when you'll stumble across a life-changing treasure.
Hi Everyone, just wanted to let you know how my Son's wedding went,
We could not have asked for better weather, there was heavy snow fall the night before which covered the mountains and we woke to beautiful blue skies. The location they picked was a remote paddock overlooking a lake and the now snowy mountains. S24 took me to the site early in the morning and let me choose where they should stand and we set up the lectern that he designed and made together last week. He also asked me to be his witness which I was honored to be.
S21 and h arrived late morning on the day of the wedding, he greeted me with a hug and kiss on the cheek. He remained friendly and chatty most of the day, but generally stuck to talking and banter with both s. I made the suggestion that we take s24 out for brunch as a family, the last one as just the four of us, he was totally agreeable to this and despite me offering to split the bill he paid for the whole meal. He took the day quite seriously, making sure s24 did not get to see his bride before the ceremony (we were all staying in a large ski chalet) and ferried people to the site in a 4x4 as the terrain was not ok for cars. We both stood on s24 side next to each other and he recorded the vows to send to his parents who were waiting in the UK to see them. He asked me which way I was travelling home and when I said I was going to go through the ranges for a scenic drive back he said seriously " don't leave too early will you; the roads that way will be very icy, wait till the sun has defrosted them a bit"
He looks old, his beard is mostly grey now and he has deep lines in his face, his hairline is receding and he has a noticeable bald spot now. The last time I saw him he was super fit, but he has lost that muscle tone and looks quite chubby with a tummy on him. I didn't "feel" anything for him, in fact if I met him in at a party and i did not know him he is not someone I would probably talk to, he has this air of arrogance about him. He was on the sidelines, he didn't make much effort to engage with our new DIL family and looked distant at times. It was nothing bad, just noticeable that he was maybe feeling a bit uncomfortable.
I was chatty and friendly all day, just did my own thing and enjoyed the day very much. We were sat the opposite ends of the table for dinner, facing each other. At one point he looked at me and pointed to the side of his cheek, gesturing that I had something on mine, I mouthed thank you and he smiled. I caught him looking at me a few times, listening to the conversations I was having at my end of the table, which was mostly about different wines hahaha, he made a comment or two along the way, looked surprised I had become knowledgeable in wine and that I had been to a couple of concerts courtesy of my old event hire job. At the end of the meal (by this time there had been a lot of alcohol consumed as each course - 6 of them - had a paired wine plus we had toasts with bubbles and liquors) it was getting rather loud and a lot of laughing going on, h had not had much to drink as he was driving home, so looked on amused at this drunken rabble before him. He left as soon as the meal was finished, he said goodbye to everyone, gave s24 and DIL a hug and welcomed her to the family. I was outside getting my coat from the car as we were all going stargazing, so I walked to his car with him, he said it was nice to see me, gave me a hug and a kiss on the lips, then said quietly " I paid you the money yesterday, it should be in your bank now" I replied " thank you, I will check, safe travels home" and i turned around and walked back inside, no looking back, no feeling of sadness or anything, just looking forward to the looking at the stars with my family.
I did have a couple of emotional moments on the day, but they were fleeting. One was when we stood next to each other and the celebrant said his words about "what is love" I felt so sad that h had done the opposite of what was advised, seeing through the bad times, loving each other, being kind to each other etc etc. I also got upset when he gave them a rather large sum of money (seems that his parents have given both him and his brother some money from the sale of a rental house they own) I felt absolutely terrible that I would not be able to match it and it upset me that he was being so flash. S24 talked to me about it later and said "if a rich man and a poor man give you $10, you value the one the poor man gave you as you know they have had to sacrifice something of theirs to give you that $10 where the rich man has sacrificed nothing, its small change to him. If you gave us $50 towards our travel fund we would value that more than the $1000 dad just gave us, we know you will have given up food or something equally important to give us that money, to dad it small change now" I just burst in to tears, I am so proud of the mature and understanding young man that he has grown in to, I told him so and said its a mums prerogative to cry on her her sons wedding day ha ha
So thats is, I am back at home now, staying in a motel until DIL family leave on Wednesday and then I can move back in to the sleepout ..... non granny flat as I now call it ..... s21 and g/friend are coming down to visit in 2 weeks time, and I hope to go a visit them end of September. Normal life resumes, I am not further forward in deciding what I want to do, just know that something has to change .....perhaps I am going through my own midlife crisis lol.
Thanks for reading, love and hugs to everyone xoxo
Lou,
I am so glad you returned w/an update and the wedding sounds like it went off perfectly. I'm sure the photos are beautiful with the background of snow, etc. I think you handled everything perfectly.
As for your h, sounds like he has come down from his "high" of thinking he is 20 once again. We then begin to settle down, they do tend to "age". The toll their bodies take when they are trying to burn the candle at both ends quickly ages them. Be glad that you aren't him.
You have raised a very wise young man. He knows that you've been struggling and I agree w/him, i.e., whatever you give to them means more to them because they know you didn't come by it easily. They appreciate your gifts far more than those of someone who "flashes" funds around.
No, I don't think you are going through your own MLC. I think you are finally accepting things aren't going to change w/your h and you are and continue to move forward. Take your time in deciding what you want to do...once you make the decision, it will be the right one for you. Live your life each day to the fullest and know that no matter what you do, you will be okay.
Hugs to you too Lou. Thank you for the lovely update.
I found what your s said to be very endearing. I could hear that he has that same kindness you have in you! Your value is not measured by your bank account and your s knows it.
So pleased to hear the wedding was so nice. And it's so nice to hear an update.
{{{hugs}}} darling Lou xoxoxo Congrats on what sounds like a truly beautiful wedding. Your son has his priorities straight - great job Mom!!! I wish I could see a photo of you in your special "happy day" dress - I bet you were radiant! You sound like you've turned another corner, Lou. I'm glad for an update. much love, as always xoxoxo -B.
Thank you job, AndrewP, HaWho and Bttrfly for your replies, I know I have great kids, fortunately ones who see right through their dad!
Well what an eventful week it has been! All on the H front and for me big lows and highs.
On Tuesday I received an email from h, it was his birthday the week before and I had sent him an email wishing him a nice day and said it was nice to see him at the wedding and what a lovely day it was and hope all is good with him. He did not reply, which was unusual for him but I did not think anything more of it.
Tuesday I receive an email in the evening from him replying to my email, he wrote that things are not great with him and he is now living with s21. So I asked s24 if he had heard from his dad and did he know what has happened. It all came out, turns out that h has had OW2 for about a year, they moved in together shortly after meeting and have decided to buy a house together.
Talk about a hit between the eyes, i had absolutely no idea that OW2 existed and the fact they are buying a house together?? The plot then thickens as I replied to H pretending I knew none of this and said that I hoped that everything was ok with him and his house - meaning his rental. He replied within minutes:
H " Got myself in to a bit of a pickle. Was gently going along with buying a house, went unconditional (point of no return otherwise lose deposit) on Thursday. Guess that shook me awake and realized life wasn't what I wanted. Talked about it, not much fun as you appreciate and decided to end it. Moved in to s21 for some space. I can afford the house by myself but its more than I would comfortably like and I have used my pension scheme (you can use it towards a house) as my deposit. Its not a house I would buy for myself and will need to get a couple of lodgers in once I can afford to fit it out with the basics. Hoping bank comes back that I can have a solo mortgage and no complications with removing her from the paperwork. Well thats me f$$%^ things up again, I should come with a government health warning"
Me" Oh, Im confused, are you seeing someone?"
H : ah, yes, about a year now"
I was dying inside and laughing all at the same time, could not control the range of emotions happening to me.
S21 spoke to me last night, h met her last year, they dated for a couple of months and then decided to move in together. She has two kids and according the boys their relationship was very odd and more like flatmates than partners. She liked the best of everything, spends spends and of course his wage could sustain that lifestyle. He loved the status but not the person that went with it. S21 also said that he had never seen his dad so quiet and under the thumb, he wasn't allowed to watch his programmes, they always had to be out doing something, she ruled the house.
H then told me that the reason he ended it " I wasn't happy in the relationship, felt I was the one that was always compromising/tolerating things and it built resentment. And didn't really want a family other than our boys, just comes as part of the package it seems. Single life is definitely easier, its only down to me if I am happy or not and no one else to consider". He said that he hadn't been happy for a long time, he buried his head in the sand and now can see that dating someone and actually living with someone are very different and everyone comes with baggage ... ...
Since then he has emailed to tell me the bank has agreed to a solo mortgage and s21 and s21 g/friend is going to move in short term to help out, plus they will bring all their belongings so he will have the basics for the house. They all move in in 2 weeks time.
The boys were a bit surprised he contacted me and so quickly, I am too; I am not enough for him to tell me he was with someone, or tell me he was buying a house, but I am enough for him to reach out to when it all goes wrong. Its de ja vu - the exact same thing as last time ... only that time he instigated his (disastrous) return. This time I have not jumped on it, I have remained friendly but not asked any questions about the relationship and only general questions about the house buying. I am concious that he is just using me and will have no problem dropping me out of his life when something/one else comes along.
All I can think is what an oddball she must have been, I mean who would rush in to moving in with a guy after only dating a few weeks and who would buy a house with a married man, because technically we still are. Red flags would be going up everywhere and I would run a mile if I met a man who was still married after 4 years separation!!
Anyway, I am ok, I try and see the amusing side of it all, it is funny really, such a disaster for him and his house and sad bank balance will serve as a reminder every day of her and the mess he got himself in to ...... again ....... Wonder if he will learn anything or if we be having the same conversation next year, when he has moved someone in to his house and cant get rid of her hahahaha ......... should have stuck with me, I look completely amazing and normal compared to the nut jobs he picks.
So that's been my week. Emotionally taken a hit but generally feel ok at the moment. Glad I have s24 in my corner, he has been totally amazing and just shakes his head at the whole thing. S21 just laughs at it all, thinks his dad has completely lost it and finds the mess he is making of his life highly amusing.
Thanks for taking the time to read, love and hugs to everyone xoxo
LOL - I'm glad you can find the humour in this LouR
If nothing else, I'm glad you can keep your distance and perspective about this nonsense. He perhaps indeed should come with warning labels.
I'm sure this is hitting you in hard and odd ways beyond the light way you wrote so sending you a big bear hug (((LouR)))
Wow. A year, OM2, a house.
To see that we really do not know what is going on, they are so secretive. He is just making a bigger and bigger mess of things.
They do pick the nuttiest of the nutjobs, who else is going to get involved with them in their current state.
Thank you for continuing to update and share, very illuminating and helpful.
Lou,
I am so proud of you! You didn't jump right in when he told you about his situation. It just goes to show all of us that they aren't happy and are not thinking properly.
The woman saw him as a sugar daddy and one that she could bleed dry. He was the goose that was laying the golden eggs. She didn't care if he was married or not..just as long as the money was rolling in and she could spend it. Has he learned his lesson? I think not. He will continue to hit the brick wall until one day...he'll realize that the wall is stronger than he is and he will need to open the door to reality and step thru to figure himself out.
Lou...hang in there!
Lol - I have to admit I chuckled at that. Be careful what you wish for MLCers.
Yesterday I was watching an Australian show called Please Like Me (think it's Australian) and the main character is a 20 year old man who has to move back in with his suicidal mother just as he's coming to grips with his homosexuality. His father had left his mother after 20 years of marriage, has the MLC Porsche sportscar and a Thai girlfriend who is totally manipulative and b!tchy to him (the father) and constantly making backhanded insults about him. In one scene she is Skyping with her parents in Thailand while he's there and they say in Thai "You're right, his face DOES look like a scrotum!".
I had to laugh because my ex left after 26 years and is now married to a much younger Asian woman. I don't actually think she's like this - she seems kinda sweet and childish - but it was a pretty funny bit about MLCers regretting what they've gotten.
Aww thanks guys for your support and replies.
AndrewP - thank you for the bear hug, its gratefully received.
DnJ - I am really surprised it managed to stay quiet for so long. He asked the boys not to tell me and that he would tell me in his own time and then as time went by the boys didn't want to say anything as they knew I would be upset by the news. It really does show how they compartmentalize their life, several different worlds going on, it must be exhausting keeping them all separate.
job - Thank you for your praise, it means a lot coming from you. This has been a recurring theme with him, he jumps in to things, justifying it to himself and to those around him, and when it turns to custard he licks his wounds for a while before starting the process all over again. This latest one is the worst yet, I am still dumbfounded at what he has done, I can only imagine what is next ...... stuttering " i have made a mistake" at the alter ...... should not joke about it, it really could happen !!
kml - thank you for dropping by. I will have to look up the programme, it sounds funny. My dad could be a character on it, he moved to Thailand and became a sugar daddy to 2 women, one he bought a farm for so she could grow and sell rice and the other he built her a house. He now lives in the Philippines in a condo that sits out over the sea, he bought a house in the city for his g/friend and is putting her kids through boarding school, all of these women are younger than me! He is 73 !!!!!
I think the saddest conversation this week has been from s21, he said that he now hopes that his dad never wakes up from this as he fears that the guilt and sadness from seeing the destruction and pain he has caused to himself and those close to him will send him in to a deep depression and he would kill himself. It really tugged on my heart to hear him thinking this. Up until now both boys have just rolled their eyes at their dads antics, but this latest seems to make them see him in a different light, s24 is over it and doesn't want much to do with his dad anymore and s21 is now really concerned that his dad is pushing himself towards a deep black hole. Its like a soap opera that has really bad plot lines and acting but you cant help but tune in for the next episode.
Love and hugs to you all xoxo
Hi Everyone,
I have decided to go in to film writing, specifically a cheesy soap with really bad actors in it, I have plenty of experiences to draw from hahaha
So h now officially owns a house, he moved in a couple of weeks ago and s21 and his g/friend moved in with him last weekend, they are staying until January and then h will get a lodger to help pay the mortgage ....... i don't believe it one bit. He is now "dating" ow2, she has agreed to meet up with him twice a week, no family and no commitment ??!! So this woman who he has lived with, played happy families with, bought her dream house with and then dumped her at the 11th hour, has agreed to this, no agenda , so for 5 days a week he is single and free to do as he pleases .... and she doesn't have an agenda ...... OH PLEEAAASEEE hahahah the delusional state this guy is in is outstanding. To add to the seriously cheesy plot line, h mother has waded in as ow has been wah wah wah to her. Oh and another hilarious storyline - h took ow away to Thailand for a naughty 10 days and to get some dental treatment, anyway ow decides that it is time to meet h parents, so she arranges for them to fly to Thailand from the UK and surprise h .......bahahahahaha she doesn't know him at all, he can just about tolerate 24hrs in their company so hahahaha Sorry, it made me laugh so hard lol. So will he figure it out and dump her or will she get her expensive manicured fingernails in to his house ......dum dum dum ..... closing credits .....
Anyway, enough of the joviality, its serious stuff this mlc, not to be laughed at hehe On to another topic, me.
Thoughts are underway about what I want to do next year, I have been saving really well and hope to travel leaving after Easter. The latest thought is China (a short group tour) , USA and possibly a bit of Canada ,(on my own and do short tours at specific locations) I have been thinking about travelling by Amtrak, has anyone any thoughts or experience travelling this way around the country? Wade in if you have any thoughts or ideas for me, I am completely open to all suggestions and advice, how to travel, accommodation, places to visit, not to visit, everything welcome.. I don't have a time limit, I will be leaving my job as I want to move to somewhere where there are more options open to me on my return.
Love and Hugs to everyone xoxo
Lou! I'm glad to hear from you and that you are finding some distance and humour.
You know, it's weird for me how there seem to be women out there who will enable the sort of madness like what your H is living.
Years ago I looked in to traveling by freighter thinking that it might be an inexpensive alternative to get from point A to B as long as you are willing to go slower. They actually do book passengers. It turns out that it's not any cheaper especially once you figure in the daily costs for meals etc but it did seem like a way to get around.
If you want to read a fascinating adventure look up "Miss Cindy Catamaran". I followed his story for a while (I build small boats too) and it looked fun but way out of my league. One thing that he did though was to buy a beat up old car for cheap, drove it from British Columbia to Mexico and then gave it away when he launched.
I wonder if buying a cheap car at your destination and then car camping / hosteling as long as the car keeps running would be a flexible way to adventure? I have no idea myself. I'm rather a homebody loving my little village and home. One problem I think with trains is that they only go where there are tracks.
If you do make it to Canada and my little village in the back of nowhere, I have a spare room you'd be welcome to use.
Hugs right back to you LouR!
Lou,
Could well be that he is backing out of this thing but just unable to pull the band aid. You can't really know (and he probably doesn't other). The great thing with you is that you are out there living your life. Finding humor, rather than bitterness, makes the situation more bearable and helps you maintain that lovely outlook.
Thank you AndrewP and OneArt for stopping by and your comments.
Andrew - I look at the women he has chosen and they have issues; both of them chased him and then didn't give him the freedom he desires, they are attracted to the lifestyle he can afford them and their kids, unfortunately he hasn't worked this out yet, He now says that he doesn't want to play family with someone else's kids which is a change in what he has said in the past, i am not sure how he is going to achieve his goal of finding his " long and fulfilling relationship" with this stance as most women of his age group have children or want to have more children, so his selection pool has become much smaller!
I will look up the book you suggested, it may give me some inspiration. I do intend on visiting Canada, I am not sure how far I will get on this visit, i have not set my route yet. I am not sure of the board rules about you telling me where you live so I can see where you are, perhaps job can advise on this?
OneArt - Thank you for your post, welcome to my story! History of the breakup with ow1 and my bd2 tells me that you are probably right, he can not face another failed relationship. The guilt from hurting yet another person due to his inability to stop and think before he acts is more than he wants to deal with, so coming to a compromise of dating would ease his conscience. i think she has done her panic " what can I do to keep him" so suggested dating to remain in his life and take him back to the beginning again. Whatever happens, nothing has changed, she still has the traits and family he does not like, so how can it ever end up a happy union ......
Haha, Bitterness, oh I have bouts of that occasionally, mainly surrounding money and his career. I try to look at it this way - what does me being bitter achieve? It doesn't gain me any of the things I have lost from him leaving, so whats the point of spending my energy on it. My life has changed so much since I was thrown on to this new path, I landed without elegance and a triple somersault, it was more like a crash landing, skidding along the gravel peeling the skin off all my limbs leaving rawness and pain, but the wounds are healing, it s taking a lot of time and processing, but it has started to happen and i realize that it is me that has changed, my thoughts and ideals are very different from when I was in a relationship with a guy who suppressed me. So now my life is not about him, its about me and finding out who I am and what I want out of life. I have a long long way to go and I still have lots of low periods, but I am starting to enjoy this adventure of discovery I am on.
Love and Hugs xoxo
Hi Lou, I don’t know if Ive ever posted to you but I follow along. I read your post about Amtrak and I don’t have first hand experience but I’ve heard the Zepyr is a nice train trip (Colorado west at least) so I thought I would mention it.
Hi all, been a while, uneventful time until this week, it's like buses, none for ages and all come at once!!
I haven't been feeling well for a while now, physically and mentally a mess, so finally went to the dr who did bloods and X-rays, turns out my thyroid is out of whack (didn't get the numbers but will do) so my meds have been doubled for 3 days a week and normal dose on the rest, feeling better already but know it takes a while for it to adjust.
The past few weeks at work have been hard going - not helped by me being extremely fatigued and mentally exhausted, I know now that my thyroid has a lot to do with it, but it's also not the best job in the world. Anywhoo, on Tuesday I resigned, I have saved well and can survive, my manager was shocked and sad about my decision, later that day he came to me, he had spoken to the owners and they wanted to offer me a new position with a pay rise (it put me on more than the duty managers!) I thought about it over night and decided that the role really wasn't what I wanted so shocked them all again by saying thank you but no. Today they came back to me asking me to train my replacement who starts tomorrow and would I consider staying on until mid Jan running a team in the stockroom for the higher pay rate, giving them time to find something else for me .......ur, yep I will, easier job for more money, thank you kindly haha.
Then this evening h rang me out of the blue. He has not rang me for 2 yrs, has always been occasional emails, he spoke to me for longer than he did at the wedding (which was about 10mins!). He started off about s21 and his latest idiotic plan and did I know about it and were we on the same page how to procede. I listened to him, said a few things but generally let him talk as i don't think he actually wanted my opinion, especially if it is opposite to his. He then asked how I am and how work is going - so I told him about work and how I just negotiated a pay rise and I am doing ok. I asked him how he is; he said good, his job is great and he told me about it, life is good, busy and always doing something, ugh lol I said "that's good" and 35mins later he said he had to go as he was giving a driving lesson to a friends daughter (he is a qualified driving instructor and saved many a parent/child relationship lol)
The most odd conversation. He could have written it in an email or really not at all, we haven't really co parented for a very long time. He chatted to me like we talk all the time, free and easy, most bizarre lol. Why is it that just when you let go of them and start to move on with life and they are not so much in your thoughts do they reappear and for the oddest of reasons. Bizarre.
Spoke to s21 about the issue, but made sure I did not mention his dad had just spoken to me about it, s21 mentioned that his dad is a bit up and down on him, but thinks it's because his dad is no longer seeing ow2 that it's over so all his attention is on s21 and not anyone else at the moment ..... Until the next one comes along ......
So that's really been it for the life of Lou, just doing my thing and plodding along, no real plans just seeing what comes my way and make decisions as and when I need to.
Love n hugs to everyone xoxox
LOU!! (runs over with a big hug).
Thanks for checking in.
Sorry to hear that you've not been doing well. Hopefully your new meds will turn around both your health and your outlook on everything else.
I'm glad that the phone call didn't throw you too badly. I have no idea how I would deal with something similar - other than poorly.
Hopefully the warm weather I hope you are getting will let you ramble along the beaches enjoying the beauty all around you.
(((LouR)))
Lou,
I am so glad you posted an update. I am so sorry that your thyroid is acting up. Hopefully your physician will get you back up and on your feet in no time.
As for the job...you did the right thing in advising them that you were quitting. Your health and happiness are far more important than trying to work a job when you aren't well. Who knows...they just might find you a better position and more money in the mix. I'll keep my fingers crossed for good things to come.
As for your h, they tend to poke their heads out when the holidays are approaching. I've seen this happen quite often. He's thinking about you often and it took quite a bit of nerve to ring you up. You may not hear from him again for another 30 days or so...but I think he will contact you again before the holiday season is over.
Lou, please take care of yourself.
ANDREW !! (hugs you back) Great to hear from you, thank you for dropping by.
Im slowly feeling better and although we have had a run of Spring rains it is warming up nicely. I have been going to the beach most days off and the seals have started to come up the Beach to bask in the warm sands, it's lovely to see them.
Job - thank you for your words, as always I very much appreciate your wisdom. Only h knows why he felt the need to ring me rather than email, I get the impression he wasnt getting through to s21 himself so called in the hope I would be able to. He text me this morning to say that he was too late in contacting me and that s21 has taken a large loan out and bought a car. I would not have been able to persuade s21 against it anyway, I gave him my opinion and advice, I suggested alternative options, but he chose to go ahead anyway, it's his decision, an informed one, so the consequence ,if any, will be solely on him now; but h does not see it like that and is very upset and disappointed in s21.
We text again this afternoon, only about what s21 has done and why he feels so angry at him, I know he is going to talk to s21 tonight so expect an update at some point, After it has calmed down I don't expect to hear from h again, but who knows, he seems to dip in and out as he pleases. It doesn't bother me as much these days, I don't read anything in to it anymore, just know that something is not going right in his life at that time for him to have the need to hear from me. One day he may actually be honest ....... see that flying pig haha
Love and hugs xoxo
hi Sweetheart, I hope you're feeling better every day. Well done on taking care of yourself and well done on not letting communication with h throw you for a loop.i just read the reconnection post job re-posted and thought it is a touch and go, good for you not to get sucked in.
much love - update when you can xoxoxo
Hello bttrfly, really wonderful to hear from you.
I definately feel better than I was, the next few weeks are going to be a challenge at work as it will be very busy, but I have the knowledge that I can go on a trip once I finish there.
It's been an eventful week, started off at 7.45pm last Sunday with a text from h asking me if I had heard from s21, to which I replied no. The conversation continued for a while as it emerged that s21 did something very silly (not dangerous) and is suspended for work pending an investigation. After a couple of texts I ran out of things to say, it's hard to be cool, sympathetic and friendly when all I want to say is ". Welcome to the last 4 years of my life with no help from you, but now it's your turn I suddenly exsist again" but I didn't, just didn't reply. Next day the texts started early and continued throughout the day. Still on the subject of s21 - seriously, you are his dad, parent him. ..... Anywhoo, s21 was fired sigh, he has picked up some agency work until Christmas and then who knows, I don't worry too much, h needs to take responsibility for him.
Then today I went on a forklift course (passed it wooohoooo !!) I was so underprepared, only having had 15mins on a forklift at work yesterday ( this is the rubbish company I work for) but was really proud of myself for getting through the course and gaining another string to my bow. I took a photo of my certificate and sent it to S21, 2 minutes later h texts me "forklift licence eh? That's not something I ever thought I'd hear. (laughing emojis )" So s21 must have shown him my text photo, he beat s21 to a reply!! We ended up in a text conversation, but thankfully I was out tonight at a leaving do so I have not replied to his last one, again I really have nothing to say to him.
It feels good that I am able to show that I am doing just fine without him, I have achieved something that he never expected from me. I don't have any expectations of it being anything other than what it, some texts from him when it suits him. But it's hard not to let the mind wonder occasionally, "what if " and be a bit intrigued by this latest resurface. However I do come back to the person he is and how he has treated me pretty quickly, those scars have yet to fully heal.
So had a really lovely evening, a big group of us from work out for a leaving do drinks, lots of laughing and chatting, felt good to be social. I start my new days and hours next week, only 4 weeks left, really should start thinking about what's next at some point ..... Nah, why change, will probably just wing it as usual haha
Love and hugs to all xoxo
Hi everyone
Dropping by with a quick update and to Wish everyone a very Happy Christmas
I have been working as Storeman for the past week, it's been crazy busy, anyone would think the supermarket is shutting forever, not for just one day!! But I have survived it and now have two days off to enjoy with my boys and new daughter in law.
H continues to text every few days, finding reasons to start a conversation and keep it going for a while. He asks me questions, mainly about my job and we share in jokes and memories, I try to keep it light and don't ask him much. I did ask him how everything is going to which he replied good thanks and then added the days off he gets over the next two weeks. I know I will be put back on the shelf when he finds someone else so I don't put much weight behind this latest appearance from him. Tonight he contacted s24 and asked if he can come and stay this coming weekend, it will be the first time he has visited the house and stayed with s24. S24 did run it by me first which I thought was very kind of him, and I said I am fine with it, it is his house so he should be able to have his dad to stay if he wishes. So I now have h visit to get through, I'm sure it will be fine, just like the wedding was, plus we won't be staying in the house together as I live in the sleep out in the garden. It will be strange seeing him again and I know it will most likely bring up some emotions for me, but I have to remain as composed as possible while he is around and then deal with feelings afterwards.
My thoughts and prayers are with all of my DB friends this Christmas, I know for many it will be a hard time, please be kind to yourself and don't put pressure on yourself to be ok if you are feeling blue or overwhelmed. Enjoy the moment and festivities for these pockets of happy times will keep you going.
Wishing you a Very Happy and Safe Christmas, with all my love to each and everyone of you xoxo
Lou,
I know exactly what you are saying about the supermarkets. It's just like when the word "snow" is mentioned in the forecast...everyone runs to the store for milk, bread, snacks and toilet paper. It's just a bit crazy how a store will be shut for one day and they have this "need" to stock up on all sorts of things. LOL!
As for your h, sounds like he's a bit lonely and I'm glad your son agreed to allow him to come visit for a couple of days. You will do just fine because you now know what you are dealing with, i.e., no expectations. I hope everything goes well and you aren't too tense when he's around.
Merry Christmas to you and your family. I will be thinking of you and praying that all goes well.