Hi all, just an update. Life is good. I never thought i would post that !! Kids are ready for Xmas and tree is flashing away , fire is lit and im relaxing.
S22 is still working for me. S19 is loving college. D16 and D13 got A's and B's in November tests so all good there.
The company is doing well , i upgraded to a newer RR and bought the superbike of my dreams in the summer. So again all good there.
I started dating about a year and a half ago and that was a real experience!!!! Got on well with most ladies but no real spark. It was fun but then i met a really nice , funny , gorgoues lady about 8 months ago who i still with. We are getting on well. She met my sons after about 3 months but i thought is best to give it atleast 6 months for the girls. They have now met and get on really well.
Exw and I have not spoken for about a year now and only D13 keeps in touch with her. They see each other for about 3 hours a week.
It was a very tough time after BD but i can say that i am now happier.
The big lesson i have taken from this is to live your Life, be genuine and be the best you that you can be. In my case i have plenty of faults, and not ones like ' im too kind to others ' or the like, short tempered , grumpy , etc are much more like it BUT i do my best to recognise my faults and change.
This site and some of its members helped me through the heartache and trauma. My advice to others is to accept what is. You didn't ask for this BUT you can deal with it and get through it. We deserve to be happy and its ours to give ourselves.
Anyway , that's the update ( and motivational speech!!!) Happy Xmas to everyone on here, enjoy and 2018 is a new year and as we know , life can change very quickly.
Take care , Rd
rd500,
Very wise advice and thank you for sharing. You've come a long way and I hope that you will stick around in the new year to offer sage advice to the posters.
Merry Christmas to you and your family!
Thanks Job , don't know about sage advice but always happy to speak from experience.
Have a great Xmas
Great to see an update from you RD - so pleased to hear that things are going well for you and your kids - and that there is a special lady in your life too.
I have never forgotten your kindness to me and just want to send warm Christmas wishes to you.
Relax and enjoy the festive season & I too hope you'll stick around with some wise advice for others..
Xx
Hi Sotto, i think we can say we helped each other !!!. Your one of the strongest ladies ive ever come accross and i know it wasn't easy for you but you kept at your GAL and showed us all by example on the way through this. You didn't always see your strength but it was clear to others. Your exh had it all with you in his life but he chose a different path and truly, his huge loss.
Thabk you for being a great friend, have a great Xmas and a fantastic new year, you deserve nothing less.
Take care , Rd xx
Happy Christmas RD! You deserve every happiness!!! xoxoxo
hi Rd,
merry Christmas and happy new year to you and your family. I say family because they are and will ever be your family. Your XW is on the outs.. her loss.
on a personal note. thank you for being the first one to guide me here (besides Cadets reading material :-) ) . It will be always part of my growth I gained from this site. i thank you
Irish
Happy New Year lovely RD. I hope 2018 is a great year for you (I sense it will be!)
I can't reconcile being out of touch with three of your kids. Wouldn't that make you sit up and wonder how your life went so wrong??
I love to read your stories about family life - always very heartwarming and hilarious that your kids get a grade A in laziness. I think SS's mum would probably say the same of him..
Thanks so much for sharing your near miss story on my thread. It truly helped and whilst I wish you hadn't experienced that, it does remind me that we are all human and we do make mistakes. I'm so glad he was okay.
Very best wishes to you xx
Hi RD
Happy New Year to you my Irish buddy!
Glad to hear that you're dating and doing well. Sad though that your W has thrown you away for what? Some scummy lowlife who she doesn't even like and giving away the connection with your kids. I'm with Sotto here - how do you process that in your mind and think 'well, that was a good idea'. Truly bizarre.
Hi Sotto and Huddy , we all had a good Xmas. Still up at 6.30am and my youngest is 13 !!!lots of pressies and laughs. I got them all onesies so S22 was superman, S19 batman, D16 was a giraffe and D13 a penguin. GF came over for Xmas dinner and all was right in the world.
Sotto, you are being to hard on yourself re your mum. Things happen and we cannot control everything.
Huddy , we cannot understand the WAS thinking so i dont try. My exw was a caring mum but do we ever know anyone but ourselves? The choices people make are theirs, we can have our opinions on them but we need to let them live their lives as they decide. When their choices effect us we must deal with it but move forward. I like to think thats what i have done. It certainly wasn't easy but I'm at a place where i dont get affected by exw no matter if the news is good or bad and i keep my life away from exw.
I have been to solicitor and i have another 12 months to wait for D. Good news is I'm in a good place legally re all the finances.
Thanks for checking in guys.
Take care , Rd
Hi all ( the few who i still recognise). Just my yearly update and hopefully to give a 4 year view of the experience. All is good in my world, eldest D turned 18 yesterday and we had a great day. S23 is still working in the company and just got a new motorbike which he is loving. S20 is doing well finished his photography course and is now looking for work. D14 is getting fantastic results at school and has followed in her sisters footsteps as becoming a beautiful caring person. Im very proud of the 4 of them and how they have come through this tough time in their lives. Obviously it doesnt end for them but they have learned to cope and flourish.
I've always said this site was very wise and over the last 4 years I've seen most predictions on here come true. When my Ex left it was for a person that was not her type to put it kindly. My Ex is a college graduate, very strong person and not someone who suffers fools which makes her choice unusual to me. According to SIL thier R ddint start fully until Ex was gone for about 6 months ( i mention this for a reason) . DB advises that these types of R will only last about 2 odd years before the meltdown / reality sets in. DB was correct in my stich. About 6 minths ago i got lots of calls, emails and texts from EXW to say she had been beaten and verbal abused for the last 12 months and had to get a restraining order and her guy was imprisoned. DB always tells us that the WAS can try to reconnect the LBS has moved , again DB is spot on.
I got all the apologies that i used to wish for, Ex claimed she wss lost and cant believe she acted as she did. She used the word fog several times. Ex asked for forgiveness and claimed full responsibility ( which is wrong but i appreciate the thought)
All of the above is to show that DB knows what it is talking about and if you can forgive and move forward then standing for your M can be worth it.
As for me im still with my lasy friend, we were on holiday in Iceland juat before xmas and had a great time. I am very lucky to have found her. I was tried on onli
Pressed wrong button, doh.
I was online dating for a few months and had a good few dates but no one really felt right until i met her. She is as beautiful on the inside as she is to look at. Way out of my league but i guess i got lucky. Because of my D's i have kept LF ( lady friend) a little bit on the outside as they have been through enough. LF does attend family bdays etc but isnt around the home too much. LF is a yoga instructor and psychotherapist and is very understanding about this.
My D is still ongoing but i hope to have it resolved soon.
Thats the news , as i say DB has it nailed. Follow the advice and you can get through this and enjoy your life again.
Take care, Rd
RD
Thanks for the update and check in
And as they say around here
There are many forms of success
Sounds like you took care of self and kids
And found your peace
Good for you
Rd, one thing is still not totally clear from what we are normally told here... Would you say she "affaired down"? ;-)
The human mind is a weird little thing. Too bad they don't see that they messed up before it is too late.
Congratulations on all your succes. Well done. All the best in the future.
Thanks for the update.
Thank you for your update
Always great to see the LBS doing sop well no matter the condition of the MLCer
MLCers all seem to go in the same direction--down
it usually takes a few years for them to hit a rock bottom
some will recover, I believe many will never recover
Hopefully your W will continue to get help and grow up to become a better person
LBS do seem to also follow a path
sounds like you are happy with your LF and have fully moved on
and your kids are all doing well-
That seems to be the place many LBS will get to in time-
Thanks Geordie, Btrow, yes i would most definitely call it an affair down , guy was an alcoholic, un employed, bi polar and about 5'4" with tattoos and 80s skinhead haircut and the demeanor of an angry little man. Ex is a slim, good looking person with a degree and an intelligent person. It was a shock to see this guy and a bit embarrassing to be honest. ( Ego , i know) I'm no George Clooney ( far from it) but i suppose each to their own. Her family would have nothing to do with her guy and ex lost the kids over him . I would have bet my house that Ex would never let any person raise a hand to her ( and rightly so) so i was stunned to hear she had been hit by this guy for almost 12 months. I can't stress how stunned i was. So , yes , i would call it a step down.
Peacetoday, i have moved on and i never thought I would. It took me quite to realise it was over and to put it behind me. I think the loss of ' the idea' of Ex was worse than losing Ex. I was far from perfect so i have to accept my part in the demise of the M. These days I do feel sorry for her loss of R with the kids but they have made their choice for now and thats that. Again , DB is the way, whatever you decide re standing or moving forward from the M , the basics are here to read. Its tough and takes time but letting go of expectations and living your life is the key. I read posts on here still and you still see people years later living in their past and suffering from it, as an example , Ex doesn't know about LF, a few years back i would have been going out of my way to make sure Ex saw LF because as attractive as Ex is , LF would have blown her mind , now i wouldn't do anything either way to affect Ex, i just want to live my life and hopefully we will all move forward to happiness again in the best way each of us chooses.
Take care, Rd
living with no manipulations is what I hear and I agree
It doesn't work and its not the highest and best way to deal with people
letting go is probably thr best way and living life as you said
Good luck RD
Hey RD! Really glad to see an update from you my friend!! I haven't posted for a while myself, but I do occasionally read along and will post an update soon. I'm so glad to hear that life is going well for you - and that the kids are thriving and you have a good relationship with your lady friend. I agree with Gordie that success comes in many forms and ultimately how our lives unfold through this (unasked for) journey is up to us.
Actually, what it can do is really stock up our toolbox and we emerge pretty resilient, grounded and grateful people. My heart aches to read about your ex though. I recall reading once that if you feel you are in some pain, it would be worse to be the MLCer. And in your situation that is so true - to have lost your security, kids, to be beaten. We would never want this for ourselves and it just shows how lost people can become. And it is a hard road back from there - not everyone takes that turn.
Anyway, just like us - she can only 'do' for herself. And I know you will be kind RD, whatever her choices. For anyone who doesn't know RD, he is the online friend who 'sat' with me the night my divorce papers came through - a kindness I shan't forget. Be well RD and enjoy the many blessings life has to offer. Xx
Hi Sotto, great to see you post , would love to see how you are living your life. Thanks for the kind words but i could never could nepay yourself ( and others) regarding your wisdom and support. I still think your one of the strongest people i have ever met. And the charming thing about you is you often don't see your own strength and dont ever acknowledge it either. I'm not saying moving forward was easy for you because i know from our emails you had tough times but your strength and drive to deal with it was inspiring.
This experience does add to our toolbox and i believe as hard as it is , we are forced to take a look at ourselves and how we deal with relationships. I still stand by how the MLCer does end up feeling. If i shared some of her emails you would be in tears because her reality is far from what she expected. I know i have said it before but if you had known Ex you firstly had be stunned that she left the kids , then stunned by her choice of partner and then simply amazed that she got in a situation where someone laid their hands on her more than once. She was a very strong and confident lady and truly must be lost that she found herself in her situation. We dont really communicate anymore except for an email every 6 weeks that i send to update her on the kids.
I look forward to hear your news and thanks for posting, take care , Rd xx
Hi all , not really an update but more on how following this site's advice can be the saving of you and possibly your marriage. I won't re hash my sitch but when i first came here i was fortunate enough to be advised by members and experts alike. When you arrive you are in a terrible place and despair , pain etc can cloud your thoughts and judgement. I saw people had been on here for years and it shocked me because i thought i wouldnt be one of those but the reality is this takes time , either to heal and move forward or stand for your M. This post is more for those who are standing ( which i didn't). The site talks alot about the fog of WAS and i got an email a few days ago from Exw , she is now a year into counselling and she told she feels she has now emerged from a fog. She is full of regret and apologies and is trying to get her life back on track.
My post is to re affirm this sites guidance. Almost everything it tells us has happened in my case and if i had decided to stand i believe that there may have been a future for the M.
So again , follow the sites advice , get a life , work on you and re your spouse , follow the sage words from the site.
Just wanted to encourage those that may be standing or not. Life does get better , this is a huge change but it is now here so it must be dealt with and you finding this site is a huge advantage.
Take care all.
So Rd this is almost 5 years on for you. How do you feel about ex's apologies?
Hi rd
Wise words, and you are probably right that more M could be reconciled with a lot of patience and DBing. Out of curiosity, it took your XW appx 4 years from BD to show some sort of regret?
My XW and OM are done. This summer. After the 2 odd years you also mentioned (2,5 appx). So I'm a bit curious. Just a little bit ;-)
Hi Btrow, it was was about 19 months before she really expressed real regret as to how she acted and maybe another 12 months before she was done with om. Sadly for her it ended with her having to get a restraining order for domestic violence. She has apologised time and time again and expressed her wishes to work on the M but as this site says ,sometimes we grieve and we move forward and on.