Oh yeah, life goes on... - DivorceBusting.com

New thread for Sotto. I lost count of the number a while back - but there are many...

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Link to previous thread

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2735145&page=1

Thank you for starting a new thread and linking your threads together.

congratulations on your promotion! i'm delighted you are doing so well, mentally, spiritually, physically - in all aspects !!! xoxoxoxo

Sotto - You are my role model!!!!! I want to be me but with your attitude - I popped by and your updates are so inspiring. Lately I have felt a shift but your posts have helped describe that shift - a real detachment rooted in intention. Not fake it until you make it but honest to goodness detachment.

Looking through life with clarity and putting yourself in the center of the picture.

You paint a beautiful picture Sotto. Bravo!

Thanks Bttrfly and Gwen

Gwen, thanks for your kind words - it is good when you feel that shift - a lightness of heart and a genuine engagement in what is going on in your own life. I do feel I have managed to put XH very much on the back burner. Whether that is real detachment - I'm not sure how I would feel if I actually had to see him - or OW - I don't know and I still get some irrational, PTSD type symptoms when I have to visit their city.

What I do know is that the growth has been good for me. I do feel more accepting of myself and I feel more compassion towards him/them. I don't envy what they have as choosing a partner wisely is so important - and if we don't do that - our choice karmically becomes our life. What goes around comes around and if we choose to become OW - if our R starts in a deceptive, dishonest place - it may well end in that place too.

But, I also feel that's up to them and how any one chooses to live life is up to them. I'm exercising my own choices and hoping to live the best life I can. I still get moments of shock and disbelief - did this really happen to me? It is like I forget the loss and then I remember it again and have to remind myself it really did happen and here I am.

I do try and work on the premise that it's what I do that's important - not what XH did, does, may do - that's his side of the street, which is up to him and on him. I'm not really interested in hearing from 'new XH' - I don't believe he has much to offer me. He didn't end our marriage in a way that would build an onward friendship. Equally, I don't like to have such a rift in my life....so I still think I'm working through things and sorting through my feelings about everything.

I don't hope for reconciliation - but it would be nice to lay things to rest somehow - but I don't see many people get that from their former partner and I think we have to do our own laying to rest of things.

Anyway, just musing really. I just booked a place on a workshop linked to a really good book I recently read and my new post at work has just been announced. So, many positive developments in my life and I try to keep moving forwards...

Very best wishes to you xx

Well, I haven't updated for a few weeks, so here goes...work is super busy and mixed too. My big project is progressing, but I'm out of my comfort zone at times. I started my new role (promotion) which is also a challenge and I'm a little out of my comfort zone there too. I'm starting to wonder if I may find myself on a work path that I don't truly want.

My boss (an old friend) is quite driven and ambitious for me. Me, I'm not that ambitious and prefer to be in my comfort zone and doing a job well. I guess I'll see how things unfold. I don't want to let him or me down, so I'll give things at least until the end of the year and if it isn't for me, I'll make plans. I may just be worrying unduly - it has been known in my case!

Still dancing, still singing and planning social stuff. I'm having a little party tomorrow, then off to a show on Saturday night and dancing Sunday. I'll be meeting up with SS and his Mum next week too. I've not seen him for a few months, or his Mum since last year. I'm sure it will be nice, but I always have a little 'opening the door back to the situation with XH' anxiety.

Next month will be a year since we D'd, so I'll have achieved my plan to not date during that time. Will I start thinking about that? Probably not. I don't see myself OLD, but I do seem to come in contact with a range of guys linked to activities I do - especially the dancing...so who knows??

Other than that, I'm looking to buy another little flat close to work, so hopefully that will all come together in coming months. Just living life really. Still ruminate from time to time, but really I have so little energy or regard for XH and what he may or may not be doing...

I hope everyone has a lovely Easter weekend xx

nice to read an update Sotto! While you aren't in your comfort zone, knowing you, you are still "crushing it" as the kids say

Good luck with the purchase. You sound like you're doing very well. I understand the anxiety but I'm so glad you're in touch with SS. He really needs adults in his life who aren't in MLC and don't model the behavior of his grandparents of just cutting people out.

Happy Easter to you my friend! Hope Mom and Dad are well xoxoxo

Great to read your update Sotto

V

Good to see an update Sotto .... I think its part of the process and you have done yourself a favor by giving yourself ample time to heal and grow from all this.

Good luck in your new position ... and yeah you will be fine .. out of your comfort zone = growth!

Sotto - congrats on the new promotion. Kudos to you!

I listened to a very interesting TED talk on stress. There was some surprising science behind the theory that all stress is bad. It was about making stress your friend.

It's easy to find based on that last sentence. I think the speaker even discusses taking on a stressful job.

Anyway, good to hear you so strong. Special thanks for all your advice over the years.

Thanks guys - and HaWho, thanks for the talk suggestion. I'll have a look at that one. Discovering TED talks (and recommending them to others) has been one of the nice things to have come from this new path my life got plonked on!

Just a mini update - I met up with SS and his Mum a couple of weeks ago. Had a nice meal out and caught up. It didn't really occur to me until afterwards that XH didn't really get a mention. He cropped up once or twice in conversation, but no-one really had anything to say about how he is or what he is doing. At one point I would have tried to steer the conversation in that direction. Now I just enjoy maintaining a link with SS and his Mum as I am fond of them both.

Next year they still plan to move abroad and made me promise to go visit

Funny, there is a group of us that know each other through XH. Me, his XW1, our mutual friend, SS. Talking to our mutual friend recently, she suggested we all get together soon (minus XH of course.) So, having once been the link between us all, he no longer gets an invite to our get togethers. I don't say this in spite and I don't relish that (okay maybe my ego likes that a little) - just that it's how things have unfolded. Actions and choices do bring consequences and it seems sad to be 'unwelcome' at a little party like that..

The job continues to be a challenge - in some nice ways - and some challenging ways. I got a virus a couple of weeks ago and still haven't completely recovered, so I have missed out on a few social things. I'm trying to maintain a good life balance and have boundaries on my time. This I don't find easy in the context of not wanting to let others down - which feels deeply ingrained. Certainly it's a work in progress.

The purchase of my second place is moving forward. The survey is done now and so maybe that will got through in a month or so. It will be nice to have a base closer to work.

Socially, and at work I have attracted the interest of a couple of married guys. Ugh - I don't feel I have been encouraging in any way other than polite. But each asked me for a drink in a friend's type way. For sure that could be just friends and I may be hypersensitive. But I'm certainly not going to socialise one on one with someone else's husband who may or may not have some 'beyond friendship' interest in me. Now if either of them had said - hey I'd love us to go for a drink and you meet my W - that would be completely different..

Other than that, I've started an online self-development course, linked to Brene Brown's work - so that is interesting...and generally (whilst life has ups and downs) I'm doing just fine. I keep in touch with NG at work from time to time - and I'm quite fond of him. But he continues to be fairly reticent, and I respect that. In a couple of weeks time, I'll have been D'd for a year - and truly, I don't feel that interested in dating at this point - not in actively seeking to date anyway. Of course if I met someone and I liked them, I might be open to that...

Take care all and my very best wishes to you.

Xx

Hey Sotto, I always enjoy reading your updates. They are always full of continued development in both your personal life and career.

It's good that you are keeping in touch with SS and his Mum. I can't imagine what XH must think especially with your mutual friend too. It's like there is a party to which he has not been invited! Aha!

I hear you on the married men showing an interest front. I mentioned something similar on my thread although one of them was separated but still married. I ran away very quickly!

Wow, D'd for a year! It has gone very quickly hasn't it. I continue to be in awe of your growth and personal development and I can only hope that one day if and when I am D'd I can continue to grow in the same way.

Take care. Xx

Coly, Sotto, lol Coly beat me to it! I was going to say the same thing.
Married men hitting on me too! Just ugh. Like you said, Sotto, perhaps was innocent but I really don't think so. I think we can tell. Thanks for your update Sotto, and glad you are doing well. We in the trenches need to hear the good news.

A.

HI Sotto,
Always so nice to hear from you! Congrats on the second place. Hope that continues to move forward smoothly for you.

I hear you on the virus - mid March for me, and it's still lurking, making things uncomfortable. Glad you are resting and building in time for yourself.

Just, YUCK on the married guys. Dogs, all. and I think I've just insulted my furry friends.

NG, sigh. yes. Well, if anything's meant to be it will unfold when it is supposed to, as we all know.

Much love to you my friend. Can't believe it's already a year xoxoxoxo

Hi Sotto .

married guys, I know you'll steer clear. I had a married woman attempt to flirt with me, lets just say it didn't go too well for her as I made it obvious to the surrounding people what she was up to and sh shy'd away into the cave she crawled out of. I feel sorry for the wives and husbands knowing what I know now.

Great updates by the way. SS is really a great kid. Lots of love there.

Irish

Haha Irish ... I have an image of her slinking away trying to look inconspicuous, with an entire room full of people looking at her.

I too wonder about the married people who act anything but, and their poor unknowing spouses. Trying not to be turned off on the concept of marriage, but it's a bit dicey, seeing so much of this - I think what I would say to anyone wanting to get married is the trick is to make sure that one shares the same definition of marriage with the potential partner, as well as the terms husband and wife, including what those roles and responsibilities mean to each person. I personally can't imagine dating much less ever marrying again.

I also feel as a woman that some men have the attitude that, "Oh you're divorced, you must be desperate for sex!" so they look at us as easy targets for this kind of slimy behavior. It's gross.

Originally Posted By: bttrfly

I also feel as a woman that some men have the attitude that, "Oh you're divorced, you must be desperate for sex!" so they look at us as easy targets for this kind of slimy behavior. It's gross.

Now bttrfly, I know you said some, but remember that there are a lot of us that truly miss that closeness that we had for so long with a woman that was our friend and lover. There will always be slimy people out there. But, there many good men out there that would love to be close to a strong, caring, loving woman of your caliber. Sex is not what defines a relationship, but is part of what helps hold it together. I think I read that somewhere.

As someone who has physical touch as my LL it has been rough since last July, but God had helped me and kept me sane. What's strange is I miss the little physical touches more than the sexual part. Physical touch is what gives us energy from the other person. When they deny that it seems something dies.

Sorry to hijack...

Hi SBJ,
I'm not talking about guys looking for relationships, I'm talking about guys looking for a quick hook up.

Physical touch is my LL also, and I miss feeling safe in my exh's arms, or holding hands. Heck, we held hands after BD, after he moved out, geez, even in court we were holding hands and I had my head on his shoulder, and we left holding hands and he hugged and kissed me before he walked to his car.

I'm talking about the guys Sotto works with - married, but asking a colleague out for a drink. She's not "one of the guys" - I mistrust their intention and wonder how their wives would feel knowing their husbands were asking an attractive co-worker for drinks after work.

Sadly, there are a lot of men and women out there for whom a wedding ring or vow means nothing.

I totally understand...society is all disposable these days and people try and fill all of their personal needs with other peoples spouses. Not cool in my book.

Thanks for chiming in guys. Well my mention of the married guy overtures certainly sparked some debate!!

Just dropping in for an update. Last week was the anniversary of our divorce, so I officially made it through a year post D without dating at all and just healing - so I'm pleased with that. And as my friend said this weekend - the chastity belt is now off!!! Well, that may be overstating things, but I'll see what unfolds I guess.

Wow, this work project is a tough one. Unpredictable, complicated and it feels like one forward and two back at times. I think it's just the nature of these kinds of projects. On the plus side, I have been pretty calm and we have a great team, who have all proved really willing and helpful. Plus, we are getting there...grinding along - but forward nonetheless...hmm, that reminds me of how my sitch felt sometimes...

Still enjoying friends, yoga, choir, dancing, bookstore etc...life trips along - mostly pleasantly and I am grateful. In fact, I do feel practicing gratitude is a huge thing I have learned - plus not sweating the small stuff. I truly feel I am a more grounded person than I was a few years ago, which is such a bonus.

So, through one of my activities I regularly see a guy who seems nice and seems quite interested in me. It's possible something may develop, but I'm really not sure of his circumstances. He appears single - but is that single (recently separated?) or single (no longer married..) That matters a lot to me and I guess at some point if things do move in that direction, I'll need to ask. For him to be married (albeit separated) would be a deal breaker to me. That's too much of an unresolved situation for me. Maybe I'm a bit over sensitive but I really don't want to be going out with another woman's husband...even if they are separated?

I'll keep you posted anyhow - and for now I'm enjoying a bit of mild flirtation! Otherwise, things are moving along with buying the second property, so there's a little more decorating and sorting to look forward to in the next month or two...as for XH, not a peep and I must admit I do think of him less. I don't envy him his lot, nor OW hers. He ended up with an immature, needy and serially unfaithful woman, and she with a much older guy in crisis trying to recapture his lost youth. It's not a recipe for genuine and lasting contentment. But, you know what? That's up to them...

Take care all, and know this.....it truly does get better....even if you don't save your M and you D....there is a good life to live on the other side of that..

Xx

Hi Sotto , another positive post, as usual your a shining light on how to get through this. I know it's been far from easy for you but you helped yourself by GALing like a boss.

The belts off !!!!! I will be checking sky news !!!

Take care , RD xx

Thanks RD - or maybe keep an eye on Hello magazine??!!

Can I ask - do you think most 50 year old guys really want to date a woman who is at least 10 years younger? I do look rather young and I have been asked out by someone who thought I was in my 30s. But then immediately lost interest on finding I was in my late 40s....this isn't the guy I mentioned in my post above - but another one, who I didn't have a particular romantic interest in..

I think most Mlcers end up with that same situation you mention above
a younger immature, needy woman who usually cheated with a M Man and probably will again-
I think and I hear this from my friends who date a lot(online)
that many of the man prefer woman closer to their age, so I dont think all men want woman 10 years younger
I also think when you meet someone and it clicks-age is not so important unless it is a super large gap
good luck with guy..but however it turns just enjoy and practice being single and available

Sotto - in regards to men in their 50's wanting to date women 10 years younger, I am sure it runs the gamut.

At my new company, my coworker was telling me that a few years ago there was an attractive 20 year old working in the office. When she started a line formed around her office and out of the wood work came all sorts of men wanting to take her out to lunch. Some of them were unmarried but most were married! All men were signicantly older than her with some of the married men being 25 years older. And no, there was no business reason they needed to take the gal who filed the office papers out to lunch, in case one wonders if it was pertinent shop talk. By the way, many of her pursuers were very high up in upper management!

I told my coworker I hoped the married men came home and told their wives they had lunched with the 20 year old at work. Hah!

There is a very attractive young man who also works in our office and we had ourselves in stitches over the idea of married women 25 years older sidling over to him and asking him to lunch. It doesn't happen. We let the guy work in peace.

At each company I have been at I have seen many, many instances of older (and often) married men trying to lunch with the most youngest of office workers. And it was always weird seeing the wives when you knew their husbands were making complete fools of themselves practically chasing the young gals around their desks.

My suspicion is that somehow, for some men, they falsely think their worth is in how young of a woman is on their arm and that this makes a statement about them to other men?

Anyway, these days so many people are dishonest about their sitch's you practically have to run a background check to see their true marital status.

Sounds like you are keeping busy and doing well. Thank you for posting it helps to see life from the other side of this.

Hi Sotto, on the age thing , I've been on a few dates and the ladies were various ages from 34 to 52 and I found the age didn't make that much difference. Some of the younger ones acted like they were ready for retirement and some of the older ones thought they were 18. For me personally, closer to my own age is more preferable but the personality ( and willingness to sleep with me !!!!) are much more important. The best date i had was with a lady of 48 and she was a real gem. You look much younger than your age and I would Imagine you get a lot of attention so just be selective. Plenty of fish in the sea and all that.

Jeez , you weren't messing about 're the belt coming off.

Take care , RD xx

Thanks everyone....in a bit of a funk this weekend and so it's good to have the forum as a safe place to journal.

Things reached a tipping point for me at work this week. My boss - who is an old friend - really rates my skills, which is lovely. He has talked me into taking on a number of things at work, which have been pretty challenging. The things have been incremental, and so my role and hours have gradually grown. I have ended up having a central role in a number of areas I don't know much about, so that's been a steep learning curve. And the latest thing was I got this promotion, which meant being a line manager too..

This week a couple of things happened, and I just realised I have got myself on a path that doesn't really suit me. I came home and spent the night worrying about it all - slept really badly and just decided I have to tackle it. I emailed my boss to say we need to review things, and the management role (which I said I would have a go at) just isn't really what I want. I'm hoping we can manage to sort things out, but I feel anxious, upset with myself for being talked into doing too much, and worried about letting him down. All in all - vulnerable!

It's a shame, because things had been going so well in my life generally but I just feel the work grew and grew and I lost the balance. We'll just have to see what happens next week, but it has really unsettled me.

On a positive note, I did go out to a nice dancing event this weekend and had some fun. I was a little shy to approach the guy who has been so friendly in lessons, and he spent the evening chatting to various other women and didn't ask me to dance - oh well. Ugh - I just want life to feel a bit easier again. I'm sure I'll get there and it's just a little rocky phase...

Xxx

{{{{{Sotto}}}}} I'm sorry you're having a tough time right now. I'm sure you will be able to sort the work situation out as he won't want to lose you.

I'm not sure what to say about dance guy.

Hang in there my friend - remember what you've already been through. You've got this! xoxoxoxo

Hi Sotto, dancing guy may have any number of reasons for not asking , best not to dwell on it. His loss. The work thing is something you can resolve, from your previous posting on the subject it did seem like it was escalating and you need to feel comfortable. Have the chat with your boss and no doubt between you it will be sorted. Ups and downs are part of life but you do appear to have more ups than downs so that's a good thing.

Take care , RD xx

Hey Sotto! I'm in agreement with Bttrfly and RD; talking to your boss will be the way to go. He sees you as someone to depend on, so of course he's going to keep piling it on until you say "whoa!". Challenging yourself or taking on challenges is great for personal growth and self confidence, but you know when something is too much and not for you when you feel more uncomfortable as time passes, instead of just feeling stronger. That's ok! Your sleep and well-being are paramount.

On the other front; dancing guy will do what dancing guy will do. If you decide to throw caution to the wind and mention at some point that you were hoping he'd have asked you to dance, it would be interesting to see his reaction. You never know what's going on in people's heads...sometime's we just need to mix it up a bit. Glad you had a good time, though!

Thanks guys - I reached out to a couple of friends and my boss has come back to me too. I feel a lot calmer now! My boss was very kind - said he would be devastated to lose me and I did a fantastic job for them - says we can agree whatever pattern & role works for me within reason....he wants to call later, so hopefully we'll agree a plan before I resume work on Tuesday...

Yes, as for dancing guy - you know, I kind of ignored him too! Because I like him and he was in a little group and I felt a bit shy to approach him. Plus another guy who was married (and friendly/pleasant - not flirtatious at all) came and sat by me, within our group for the evening - and a couple of people thought he was my partner. So, I can see maybe dancing guy didn't feel that comfortable coming over either - even if he was interested, which he may not be!! I started the evening with two left feet, but then did have a couple of fantastic dances with guys from my class - so that was nice too...

Just an over-sensitive weekend I guess. Anyway - hopefully crisis over and next week will be a better one with no tears. Generally I'm good and I'm grateful for your kind words.

Sotto xxx

Hey Sotto, just stopping by to say 'hi'!

I'm glad your boss has been supportive to you with this work issue. It sounds as if he really does value you in the business and that's a great place to be!

I hope you have a lovely long weekend! X

Thanks Coly - oh another thing that may be of interest. I have a male friend, D'd for a few years now - former W was serially unfaithful. He developed a friendship with a former female colleague, who is cohabiting long term with someone else. Anyway, sounds like this friendship has grown into something that has crossed a line and my friend says he has feelings for her. He is a lovely guy - attractive, bright...but just gets lonely sometimes after divorce - as do we all I guess from time to time.

They don't work together any more and she lives a little way away - but after being out of touch with her for a year or so, he emailed her and asked if she wanted to meet. She said yes. They haven't met yet and my friend asked me what I thought. We talked about the devastation of having been on the receiving end of infidelity and that would be the situation he would create if he chose to go ahead and meet her. I asked him if he would be happy for her partner to see all the messages that passed between them. She had also brought him presents. And, if she was such a great catch, wouldn't she actually choose to end her current relationship before 'crossing a line' with him.

I suggested he get in touch and draw a line in the sand - tell her on reflection meeting up wouldn't be such a good idea and wish her the best. Then delete her number. I said to him, do you really want to be a primary factor in someone else's relationship break up? If you recall how you felt about OM previously, you are creating a circumstance where someone would feel just the same about you. Is that really okay for you? He said that hit home. Anyway, he did send the message and she did reply that he was probably right as her intentions weren't really honourable. Whether they will both manage to sustain this and not be in touch, I don't know. But I felt I did the best I could with it and it is what I would have hoped someone else might have done in XH's situation. I hope the telling of this is useful to someone...

Xx

Sotto, so good that you can recognize your own needs and speak up for yourself when you feel overwhelmed. I hope I get there too.

Kudos to you on being honest with your friend. Infidelity is a slippery slope and those of us who have lived through it know how devastating it is.

Ugh, so my friend contacted me with a guilty/sheepish sounding message, implying there had been some more contact with this OP.

TBH, I've been feeling a bit upset about it - that he has drawn me into his situation as a confidante. I told him it was up to him what he did, but if he was choosing to continue that contact, I didn't agree with it and asked him not to confide in me about it.

Ugh - I guess I'm just still really sensitive about this kind of stuff...

It is good you have friends close enough to want to share their private details with you. That indicates you are seen as a good friend.

You stating your view of this potential R demonstrates that you are a true friend, not just superficial that will go along with anything. That trait is rarer and rarer these days. Don't change.

Best wishes

My friends and family cheat on their H's and confide in me about it.

I'm still sensitive myself. When I feel as if I need to pull back from it, I do. It's taken me a lot to learn to separate friendship from their personal lives. Sometimes it is overwhelmingly difficult.

You handled it well, drawing the boundary on not confiding in you about it if he choses to do what he does.

Sotto, so sorry you are feeling down. Work situation certainly doesn�t help either. I hope you can work something out with your boss.

Congratulations on the second property!

Kudos to you for being upfront with your friend about inappropriate relationship. I had a friend (girlfriend) who was involved with a married man and didn�t say anything at a time. But now, I think I can be honest. I am also very sensitive to any kind of cheating in the relationships. I never understand how people can even talk about any couple who started their R by cheating on their former spouses in a positive way.

Sotto - kudos for handling the work and personal dilemmas with wisdom and class.

I would not wish the pain of infidelity on my worst enemy. People have differing views and relationships but honestly how can one offer advice when betrayal and lies are the foundation of the situation? It is impossible to understand the dilemma if the only thing you know for sure is trust and truth are being shortchanged by someone.

Glad to know you are doing well and staying true to yourself.

Thanks so much guys. Actually that exchange with my friend has deepened the friendship, and he decided to back away from that situation. He thanked me for my input and said I didn't know what that meant to him - to have a friend who took (as he phrased it - in Brene Brown's words) the path of discomfort rather than resentment.

I should clarify there are no romantic feelings between me and this friend for reasons I won't share here...

On the dancing guy front, I had a fabulous evening last week with the attractive guy in my class. We danced a lot together and had a chat about our respective situations. He has been D'd for 10+ years and has teenage kids, whom he sees part time. I came home that evening with butterflies and it was really nice. However, he did say one thing that bothered me, and I won't post it here, but if I were to go out with someone and they said this, I would be concerned. I think I need to choose the path of discomfort again with that one, and his reaction would tell me what I need to do. In the meantime, the flirtation and dancing is fun, but I wouldn't want to invest more..

Work has settled somewhat and my boss has been supportive. The day after we spoke, he came into work with the sole objective of making sure I was alright - which was sweet of him. He has taken an area of responsibility off me and says it's up to me whether I have it back or he re-thinks our structure, but to give it three months and whatever I decide at that point is fine.

Hope everyone is having a lovely weekend - the sun is shining here xx

Hey Sotto, just stopping by to say hi!

Shame about dancing attractive guy but good that you found out about the thing you don't like early on before investing too much time in him.

Not sunny here today. Torrential rain and high winds! June, gah!! X

Well, it has been a little while, so time for an update I guess. I find myself drifting away from the forum a little. I do still read along from time to time, but at one time, the forum was part of my daily life, and now less so. Not in a bad way, but life has just been really busy.

My work project has reached a milestone day today - hurrah!! The next couple of weeks, we are building up to a big launch and then (hopefully) things we be a bit more settled. I feel I have been working at full tilt since March, so some normality will be nice. Our project affects everyone in the company, and people are rather unsettled and trying to adapt to the change. Our team are trying to reassure, whilst dealing with a greater pile of uncertainty ourselves. Still, we've retained our sense of humour and I'm looking forward to champagne.

I had to take a little break from the bookstore, due to my schedule, but I'll get back there soon. Still dancing and singing though, and going out with my divorce group chums tonight. As for attractive dancing guy in my class - I feel disappointed and relieved with how that turned out. He seemed pretty interested and then I didn't manage to go for a couple of weeks, after which he seems to have struck up an (innappropriately close) friendship with a very unhappily married woman in our class. I always felt he was probably unsuitable, and so it was probably a lucky break - because I felt attracted, but at the same time knew there were some significant red flags.

I guess I had to go through the disappointment to get to that. Still, I didn't embarrass myself greatly and it never progressed beyond a flirtatious friendship. I did feel 'triggered' though - ie: by liking him and him switching attention to someone else. Some painful feelings did surface - but only for a day or so. I soon bounced back, which is good. I think if you have to start DBing someone before you even go out with them - it's a bad sign!!!

It did lead me to question - am I just attracted to unsuitable, uninterested, unavailable men? There are other guys, who I sense would be interested if I chose to open that door, but I don't feel attracted...hmm. It may just still be early days post divorce. So, I'm focusing on getting grounded again - back to practicing gratitude, enjoying friends, family, dancing, singing - and generally trying to live an authentic life.

Still working on the self-development and I think it is always good to have these activities going on. There is always much to learn. I find that I get the theory, but faced with difficult situations my default is 'nice girl.' Boundaries are still a work in progress, though I feel I am more aware of these, and have improved.

On the property front, I'm still waiting to complete on my second place. It has been so slow! But I hope to be in during July and I'll enjoy cosying it up and having a nice pied a terre close to work.

As for XH (nearly forgot to mention him - oops!) I hear nothing of him at all, which suits me well. However, SS and I are in regular touch. We've just arranged a get together - SS and his Mum, me and some family friends from when we were M. It's funny, but XH's XW has filled the 'slot' he used to be in for these get togethers. Interesting how things turn out - eh?

Anyway - hugs and best wishes to you all from '3 years on' and 'saved myself' me. Xxx

I had thought how you were doing as I was reading back through my thread. Your life is getting more fun from what you have described. And not posting is normal I suppose. Take care!

Thanks WillDo :-)

I meant to post one further thing...

I have a friend with whom I swap interesting personal development bits & bobs.

She sent me a link to an article recently on happiness, which I have thought about a lot since reading. It said to focus on three key areas:

Self esteem, regard, love - realising that you are whole and 'enough' just as you are...

Relationships with those around you - family, kids, friends, colleagues, neighbours, a partner if you have one

Having activities and occupation in life that genuinely brings satisfaction, enjoyment, meaning, purpose, a sense of flow...

I think - looking at the concept of 'saving yourself' these are good areas of focus to have & hope this helps someone.

Xx

Hi Sotto, as usual, you sound positive and while attractive guy didnt pan out , its hos loss. Hope the property finalises soon and the property portfolio continues to expand.

Take care Rd500

Hey Sotto. I am happy to hear you are staying busy and doing well. Look at you, getting yourself out there!

"Realizing you are whole and enough just as you are" I love that.

Keep that in mind, as you are meeting new people and exploring new friendships. Some may become a disappointment, but it may help you to learn some new things about yourself. You are already questioning what you find yourself attracted to, and I can totally relate to this. And you caught on before investing too much.

You are a new, stronger, wiser person now. It shows so much in your posts and I have always admired you.

Big hugs
M

MLeigh- thank you - that means a lot coming from you! And RD, thanks for your kind comments and for checking in on me - you are a stalwart friend

I was out with a friend last night. She and I have known each other for a couple of years, so we met 9 months or so after BD. Last night she said to me that the way I talk about my 'situation' now is dramatically different to a couple of years ago when we first became friends. She said that then, the devastation was clear and me emotions were very close to the surface when we discussed it. Now, she said it seems very much behind me. I must admit, it was nice to hear.

I do actually think I am reaching the point where I may not think of XH for a whole day - and may not realise I haven't thought of him either. I would never have thought that possible - so any newcomers may want to hear and take heart from that..I really, truly do not think that much about the situation any more.

I guess my marriage was shorter than many and we didn't have kids together either, so maybe that helps the healing. But in honesty I think the biggest things are working through the emotional maelstrom and realising 'I am enough' regardless of how things unfolded in my marriage. Also, realising that his stuff is his and not mine to own. And letting go of OW's part too. If a guy is so inclined, there will always be someone out there 'in such a place emotionally' themselves and willing to get involved.

Also GAL - really truly for you is so central and that is why it is pushed so much on this site. And gratitude, and those things in your life that ARE still there - enjoying and making the most of them. My friend asked me last night if I would OLD - and I said not just now - I don't really feel like doing it. At the moment, friends, dancing, singing, family, work and other social things are enough and I am happy.

We reached a milestone event in the big work project this month, which was great - but at times I have been bone weary with it. There is still much to do but we reached second base yay!! Also on the brink of getting my second place and looking forward to COMFORT when I'm working away - some decorating for me and my chum from last night kindly offered to help, which is kind..

Anyway folks - relax, enjoy the weekend and all that life has to offer. When I first posted, people raved on about how much this site had helped them and how central it was to their recovery.....I have become one of them!!

Xxxx

Hi Sotto , im sitting here with D13 and we are watching Ninja Warrior amd i saw your post. Your friend is right, you talk less about Exh every time you post as well. I dont rhink tje length of rhe M matters but maybe the lack of children does help with NC and in turn aid recovery. You are an example to many with your GAL and positive attitude even when things got tough.

Im not sure newcomers really want to hear there is life after M when they first come on here but regardless its good to know that happiness is there when we are ready. Feeling unworthy is part and parcel when youve been rejected like we were BUT its a feeling and we are all worthy of love. Im now seeing a beautiful , inteeligent , funny lady and im happy. Would i have chosen this path , no BUT im happy , life is good. DB is a process and the best road for any one who finds themselves here is to follow the road map set out here and the wise advice from the vets.
Again Sotto , your an example to us all.

Take care Rd xx

Hi Sotto,
As always, wise words and hope in your posts. RD is right: you are a wonderful example of how to thrive post BD in a graceful, compassionate, authentic way.

RD, congratulations on your well-deserved and hard-earned happiness. xoxoxoxo

Thank you so much to you both! I just wanted to drop in and let you know that I met an attractive guy at an event last week. We chatted for a while and he asked if he might give me his number. I said yes and we've texted a little this week and arranged to go out for a quick drink at the weekend....my first date in fifteen years or so I think!

He seems like a decent and honest guy and comfortable with himself. Plus a nice joie de vivre too. He has been single for a few years too.....wish me luck :-) xx

Good luck Sotto!

Sotto,

I am so happy for you. Enjoy the time you spend w/the new guy and no, you don't need luck...You already are a lucky lady. Just be yourself and everything will be just fine.

Go get em Sotto. !!

All the best my love! Woot woot! xoxoxoxo

May HE be lucky enough to capture your heart...

wooo! You go girl! Have fun!

Thats great Sotto, he's a lucky man and remember set your standards high !!! You deserve the best. Either way enjoy it and dont forget to spill the gossip straight after !!!!

Rd xxxxx

So happy for you, Sotto!

Thanks so much guys.

So the date went ahead and we had a nice time. He is certainly pleasant to chat to and an interesting man. I didn't really feel any attraction today, so I don't think I'll take things any further. But a nice new friend hopefully & I feel I broke the 'dating' ice.

Thanks for the encouragement and moral support xx

Originally Posted By: Sotto

Thanks so much guys.

So the date went ahead and we had a nice time. He is certainly pleasant to chat to and an interesting man. I didn't really feel any attraction today, so I don't think I'll take things any further. But a nice new friend hopefully & I feel I broke the 'dating' ice.

Thanks for the encouragement and moral support xx

Well done Sotto

My 'first date' experience was different .... after the water arrived I pronounced my never ending love and suggested we should go to Vegas and get married.

Kidding!! ... very much like yours, and honestly I approached it as a challenge, I had to get out there and figure out how to talk to someone on a potential more 'than friend less than lover way' and learn how to be completely awkward and own it feeling like I was an elephant on roller skates.

Congrats Sotto, it takes courage to get back out there. Glad you didnt settle or project any need for a partner on to him. He wasnt the one but ' the one ' is out there. I have had a few dates and while some of the ladies were nice , once i met one that really appealed me i could see the diff straight away.

Anyway, glad you dipped a toe and some very lucky man is out there for you. And truly, he is a very lucky man.

Take care , Rd xxxx

Originally Posted By: CaliGuy

I had to get out there and figure out how to talk to someone on a potential more 'than friend less than lover way' and learn how to be completely awkward and own it feeling like I was an elephant on roller skates.

Geez Cali, you make it sound so romantic, especially the completely awkward part! That's something to look forward to! I can't wait to put on my elephant suit and lace up the skates, rme ...

Sorry, that just tickled my twisted sense of humor for some reason. Maybe because it's so close to the mark, eh?

Sotto my love, it sounds like a pleasant enough experience for a first date post d. There are only positives here, even though it's not a "love connection" - it's always nice to have more friends, you got that over with and escaped intact ;D
And - now you can move forward to the next opportunity with your usual aplomb and grace and perhaps a tad less of the awkwardness Cali so aptly describes.

Happy weekend doll!

Thanks my friends...well it has been an eventfulish week, so I'll post a mini update. I heard from my date of last week suggesting an event this Saturday, but I have other plans and politely told him so, saying I may see him around at another dance event soon.

Should I be more honest and say I didn't really feel attracted to him? I wouldn't want to string someone along if I don't feel there's any romantic potential there? Equally, he hasn't asked outright? I guess I'm just hoping I have met a nice dancing friend.

Saw NG from work this week - haven't seen him for ages and stopped initiating contact TBH. Well, I got a super warm welcome. He wasn't expecting me and jumped up. Said something like - Oh, I'd offer you a kiss but...and faltered. I said to him, I'll give you a kiss and went over and hugged him and kissed him on the cheek.

I sat opposite him all day and we chatted about this and that off and on. I think we get along well, but oh well...we ended the day with me saying I should be in the area a little more and he's welcome to come and see my new place if he'd like. He seemed positive about that, but then he has before and doesn't then initiate that...he's away for a week or so from now with his kids, so we'll see if anything happens.

Had a nice meet up with SS and his Mum and a couple of other friends. Nice to see them and we had a good catch up. You may recall that I met XH a year after their separation and he had just bought his own place after renting for a year. His XW1 told me today that she had remained more involved with him than I had thought after they S - ugh. But no surprise I guess. She said it is possible that he has also given OW the impression that he was more single than he was...I guess there is a behaviour patten there..

Anyway, other than that, I'm busy renovating and working with a bit of social stuff thrown in. I do find I am a calmer and more centred me these days and I like that. I suit myself more...and that is a gift I think.

Many good wishes to you all xxx

Sotto, overall a lovely update.

I don't know the "rules" of getting to know someone, but while I get you don't want to string the date along, I don't think you need to be outright and advise of the lack of attraction. That's my opinion anyway. I also kind of feel the first meeting is a wash anyway, its super hard to gauge anything really. Again, that's just me.

You sound really good and I'm pleased to hear that you are just moving right along. Keep it up!

I"m so happy about the calmer more centered you. That is a gift. I hope to have a similar one someday, if i keep doing the work.

A NG siting! It will be interesting to see what he does with your invitation.

Well - we all seem to find out stuff through the grapevine post breakup, don't we?

I'm glad for the update and really quite happy for your serenity. It was hard-won, and you've certainly earned it.

xoxoxo

Hi Sotto , re the date giy , imho i dont think he can be a dance partner after a date. He might get mixed signals. Maybe best to let that be a learnimg experiance. Again just my opinion.

Ng may be a slow burn type of guy so will be interesting to see if he takes you up on your offer.

Any info about ex and the is not really relevant and i would encourage you to leave it and tell anyone that may have info that its not part of your world anymore.
All the above are just my thoughts.

Take care , Rd xx

Sotto, just caught up, you sound great! A date? I am proud of you, I know that was a big step. I am terrible with the how do I say I am not interested in more than friendship thing, so I got nothing! Maybe a guy can chime in here with what they think, I am curious myself. I think NG maybe was being respectful of your situation, and now seeing you in such a better place, may approach you differently. We shall see!

Keep up the positivity and look forward to this new chapter for you. You sound to be in a good place.

M

So I cannot offer anyone any dating advice. Having been married 25 years and really only having dated the one guy (how sad), and obviously can't pick them. But I wonder, would you expect to have some kind of feeling for someone on a first date?

I think for me it would go more like:

1. do I like them enough to go out with them --> proceed to first date;
2. did I see any obvious red flags on the first date (mindful that I may be looking hard for said flags), if no ---> proceed to second date;
3. did they do anything creepy on the second date? do I see anything I like enough to go on another date ...

I guess my point is that we put so much pressure for things to be "right" from the get go and to have instant attraction that we may miss something really great (something that starts more as friends or a more introverted guy, etc). Especially when this a new again experience.

Again, this from someone who is nowhere near ready to date and never really did it in the first place.

Sotto,

I never dated either so my advice is probably worthless but anyway:

If no attraction to guy one, he'll know if you keep blowing him off. Stringing him along would be saying yes to more dates.

Re other guy, he may think you are just being friendly and not getting the hint. If you'd like to go on a date with him why not just suggest that? It's less scary than going over to your place which is a very intimate more advanced thing to do.

Gordie

Thanks for the comments guys. NG is away for a couple of weeks with his kids, so haven't been in touch with him at all. Been busy at work and just trying to get my new place comfortable. Less social stuff but still some.

Heard from date guy. He suggested an event that I couldn't make. I dropped him a note to tell him about another event I went to. Not heard back from him since then, and not thought about it much to be honest.

Last week would have been our wedding anniversary. I noticed the date coming up and thought about it ahead of time. But on the day, I truly did not realise or think about it until 5pm - genuinely - who would have thought!! Anniversary 1 I spent in bed with a virus generally feeling awful. I can't recall anniversary 2, but it was tons better - and this one truly - wow!

Hosting a party next week and have a dance event too. Tried a couple of new dance things and a new fitness class - both local to my new place. Also been catching up with my good friend who lives close by to the new flat - so all good really. In a good place.

Been thinking some more about the whole dating thing. And really, there is lots to love about being single and enjoying some fun things - friends, family, activities - with only you to please. Cali's comments about elephants on rollerskates has also stayed with me. Thanks for that one Cali, you have a talent for beautiful descriptions! I don't feel that way myself, but it was good to understand that my date might...

Anyway, very best wishes to my lovely DB friends - live, love, laugh - and move forward in your lives in the best way possible.. Xxx

xoxoxoxo mwah :*

Hi Sotto, glad this anniversary passed without pain or even much notice.

On the dating thing you need to be true to you. If you prefer to be single then so be it however i hope you keep the door open because its not fair on all the decent guys out there that need to have someone as wonderful as you in their lives.

You know what you want and unfortunately a few frogs might have to be met before Prince Charming arrives. Dont let the frogs put you off :)))

Take care, Rd

Hi Sotto, glad your anniversary didn't bother you too much. Mine is coming up on Monday. I'm not sure how I feel about it.

At the moment I'm also loving being single! I keep listening to friends and family moan about their spouses and I think wow I'm lucky I don't have to do that anymore!!

Thanks for your replies guys. I'm generally doing well - up to my usual social things - and off on holiday with a friend later this month.

I had a bit of a dip this week - my own fault really. Every few months or so I get the urge to do a quick Google search for XH and OW just to see if anything pops up. I know, not a great idea. And mostly I'm fine with not knowing what they may be up to - but oh well.

So, a recent article popped up with a photo of OW in her sports team with a mention of XH amongst others - thanking them for their support of the club - ugh. So, clearly they are still going strong, and it was just a bit yucky to read about it and envision him happily helping out at these sports events etc. Self inflicted on my part I know..but it's always a bit hard to have these tiny insights into what they are doing.

Anyway, I need to live and learn from that one - it's not helpful or healthy to look!! Otherwise, as I say - life is generally good, but just wanted to share that one.

Hope everyone is having a lovely weekend xx

Sending you hugs (((Sotto))). No more Peeking at exH!! X

Hi Sotto , completely understandable why your in a dip and you dont need me to tell you about googling Ex. All i will say is that you saw a snapshot and you have no idea of what the real sitch is. Maybe ex is ruling the world of maybe hes not, what we do know is hes lost Sotto from his life so hes a loser no matter what he thinks. ( or appears to think )

The dip will pass and you will continue to live a positive, gal filled life.

Your the winner from that R , you've grown and flourished and will continue to do both.

Keep on being the fantastic person you are and let 'dips' just be a learning experience.

Take care , Rd xx

Hugs ((( Sotto))). I feel ya. This too will pass.

Hope you are feeling better today sotto. Much love to you and thanks for the constant support!

{{{{{hugs}}}}} hope you are doing better now Sotto dearest. Much love xoxoxo

I am sorry Sotto.

From my vantage point, seeing a MLCer up close and personal, there is no possible way your exh could have "advanced" to the point where he can have all the pieces of life fitting as well as they seem to be. It's a facade. He has not put the time into doing the work and there's no way around it but to give it time.

An acquaintance of mine divorced her h several years ago. I am pretty sure he is in MLC: liposuction, started partying, began an affair while his wife was going through treatment for cancer and in marriage counseling, he didn't see anything wrong with any of his decisions. Post divorce he dated constantly, always women 15-20 years younger. He checked every "I am going bonkers MLC box."

Within a few years he married one of the women and decided to have a child. He was almost 50; she was early 30's. My son knows his kids from marriage #1 and said the MLC guy is always cranky and irritable. Hmm.

MLC guy and his new wife were glowing all along. Recently, I ran into wife #2 and she is pregnant again. She immediately told me it was an accidental pregnancy. Then she started justifying: "I have reassured h (MLC guy) that we'll go right back to getting sleep again! Everything will be okay in a year!" The children will be 16 1/2 months apart and she kept emphasizing the extra 1/2 month. Like it matters?!?

Relations between them are obviously strained. The glow is gone. Meanwhile he pays a lot of child support/alimony to wife #1. He has four kids and at age 52, two of the children are under the age of two! Wait until he has two toddlers at age 55!

If it seems like we are suffering while they seem great, it is only because we're doing the work up front while they run and hide. There's no silver bullet.

Soldier on knowing you will reap the rewards of your hard work!

Ah, you guys are the best - truly! I really appreciate your thoughtful and caring responses...they do genuinely make a difference. A few years on and I think I'm doing pretty well, but then I struggle too from time to time.

I'm away this week and having a lovely trip with my good friend. My first proper post divorce holiday and I'm having a great time. I had some aims and I have ticked them off..

Make sure I get a room with a view
Breakfast alone
Dine alone at least once
Strike up a conversation with a stranger
Go on an adventure alone

My friend is staying in a different hotel nearby (long story) and has a couple of other commitments during our trip, so there have been opportunities to practice 'travelling solo' - I've enjoyed it. Held my head high and told myself it's perfectly fine to be a solo person at breakfast or dinner. I'm not causing any offence and I will feel no shame either.

On a different note, I read something recently about the negative emotions that really signal a marriage is in trouble - disgust and contempt. Very hard to come back from those. And thinking back, I can see moments when XH did treat me with some contempt. I've struggled with that one - I don't feel I deserved his contempt & I still get emotional when I think or talk about that. Any thoughts dear friends?

Otherwise, I'm really enjoying the break. It's done me a lot of good to have a complete change of scene and let go of work issues. Made me realise that work has been intense for some time and it's good to get a proper recharge.

Very best wishes to you all xx

Sotto ... look at you ... killin it over there!!

I think I read that very same article, and like you looked back on that contempt part of it. So was this contempt before crisis, understanding the crisis was most likely in swing 2 years prior to BD.
I will be blunt here, you did not deserve any form of contempt,however with all the growth you have done since all this happened, my approach to this and other M issues has been, I allowed certain things to happen. I did not place boundaries and bought into letting her get her way thinking that would make her happy and eventually me happy... see how offbase this logic was now in hindsight? But its so easy to get sucked in. All those DB tools that seemed so counterproductive make so much more sense now and no way would I allow myself to be treated that way.

So chalk it up to MLC along with not having the tools to stop thing from happening. I think early on we all are guilty of rewriting history just as our MLC did .. but more in the positive light. I know I did ... truth is my M was not all that good leading up to BD, part crisis, part me being to much of a nice guy ... lesson learned the absolute hardest way, but my thick skull it had to be this way.

Enjoy that vacation !!!

Of course no one deserves contempt. Dynamics exist in most relationships that could easily escalate to that point. Most people don't see that escalation and only remember being on the receiving end and not liking it and hence the person doing it.

I am not blaming you, but pointing out that IMO nearly every couple that says "I do" find themselves on that path. Once on that path it us difficult to go back to find a better one.

Sometimes I wonder if a course on couple dynamics and how to make a M work should not be obligatory before M.

Long story short, going into your M you hadn't the necessary understanding nor tools to avoid it. None of us here did. Now we understand and see things clearer. Our crisis's have served us well if we learn from them.

I am glad you are not only achieving your targets, but enjoying yourself along the way.

Best wishes

Thanks guys and yes I can certainly see how we both tried to avoid conflict, which then impacts on the closeness and intimacy - and in time that erodes and so on...add some midlife angst into the mix - and here we are....

Busy week for me. Been to a Celidh, to a big meeting in another city, to an art house movie, looked after my Mum, a 50th party and now I'm a few hours from home on a personal development course. All good really..

Had a testing moment with a friend recently. She asked me to ask the guy I had coffee with if he would like her number (as I don't have a romantic interest in him.) My (internal) reaction was - yikes that's going to be embarrassing. He and I had coffee and he keeps in touch. But, going out with him was my first date in 15 years, and I didn't want to get myself into a potentially embarrassing situation by asking him this. So I pondered it for an evening and told her (as nicely as I could) no. It was fine - I hate to say no! - but I did it and didn't worry about it too much, and she was okay with it too, so all good.

I continue to work on my relationship with my Dad. He and I had lunch last week, and I do find his company stressful. Literally two minutes after he arrived, my stress levels soared. It's a work in progress to be sure. I'm working on compassion with boundaries.

Being out and about as I have been, I notice I still have some anxiety about - I'm in a different location and what if I ran into ex, OW, both. I know they wouldn't come into my sphere - but if I'm in another sphere..it's irrational. Doesn't stop me doing things, but I notice I have the anxiety about it - something to work on...

Been busy making some nice plans for my milestone birthday. Booked a little time off, treated myself to an indulgence I'm looking forward to, and invited some close friends and family to a couple of events. It's not for a month or so, but I had been wondering about what to do, and it's good to have plans in place now...

Anyway - that's it folks...a non-update really, but life keeps moving forwards...

Take care my friends xxx

Good o� you for saying NO.

Good on you for continuing your self care. You cannot pour from SN empty cup!

Best wishes

Hi all, just a mini update from me. Not much to report really. A friend of mine is struggling at the moment. Her ex is about to marry again - not his AP thankfully, but still. My friend is single and would love to meet someone too. She wanted to spare the kids from knowing about her errant ex's infidelity, so she has never told them. They are playing active roles in the wedding, which is a bit tough for my friend. I'm not sure what to suggest really. The kids are grown and I think perhaps they should know the full story, but I haven't said this to her. Perhaps it is too close to the wedding for that...

Any ways, I'm about to step down from the job I stepped up into. My replacement starts in a couple of weeks. I'm looking forward to having a little more time for parent-care, dancing, singing, seeing friends and me...I have no regrets at all and I"m looking forward to inducting our new colleague.

Milestone birthday is approaching and I'm looking forward to it. I'm doing a few different things with friends, family and colleagues. I don't see much of NG at work at the moment, but somehow he has been invited to my party - crossed wires between me and my boss. I don't expect he'll come, but we'll see.

I've been asked to a couple of things by different guys, who are nice enough - but I just haven't really been that interested. I'm not sure I have much to give just now and I like the simplicity of being single. No news of XH at all and I remind myself not to even look or ask nowadays as it doesn't help! In a way my married life seems so far away - but my mind still touches on XH - probably every day at least and I do ruminate. Not in any awful way and I'm not in a a bad place at all - but I hope that lessens.

Truly, I do feel a better person these days. When your spouse is trying things on for size and you're not part of the new capsule wardrobe, what else can you do? The advice to focus on you, learn, grow heal, move forward - it's so important.

These days, I am more steady, happier from within and much less dependent on people's good opinion. I take more risks and I dance, sing and laugh more. I'm so much more accepting of me. I remember when I met XH I was so desperate to be loved. Now it is different for sure. Yes, it is nice to gain approval, but it doesn't ruin my day in the same way if it isn't forthcoming. I think I am much more discerning now...

Anyway - a bit of a non update really, but I do read along and I like to post from time to time - keep a hand in on the forum that has helped me so much. There is a big old slice of humanity here and I am grateful for it.

Best wishes to you all xxx

Sounds like you are in a good place a little more than 3 years out. Hope I am as well situated when I get to that point. I am finding the joy in life again and recognizing things in myself that I have long forgotten.

As for your friend - thank goodness her ex isn't marrying the affair partner - makes things much easier.

She shouldn't tell them now before the wedding. At some later date she might, but she better ask herself what she hopes to accomplish?

Hi Sotto, good hear from you. Life seems to be moving forward for you and not surprised to hear you have been asked out by lots of guys !!!!!

As always you lead by example and show how to get through such a difficult time.

Keep moving forward at your pace and putting Sotto first.

Take care , Rd xxxx

Hi Sotto
my advice to your friend would be not to say anything. It won`t accomplish anything except resentment towards their father.

My XMIL did this to XW about her dad. He was just diagnosed with terminal cancer and XMIL decided to tell XW dirt about him. It was a MLC version of dirt because XFIL was a LBS.

lets just say it hurt the relationship between XW and her dad for no other reason but to make XMIL feel better about herself.

Your big heart shines through your responses and posts here. Keep showing us your strength. its contagious.

Sotto, I ditto what Irish said: that your big heart shines through in your posts. You offer wonderful advice.

I want to thank you for posting to us and on your own thread. It is very helpful as you are an inspiration! Like so many of us here, you had a loved one completely break with reality and yet you stood strong through it all.

You can't control the fact that your h had obvious poor coping skills (as the MLC prone do) but you can be very proud that you were kind and stood through some serious insanity.

Thanks for all the help you've always given me. I sending you positive thoughts!

I agree w/Irish and HaWho 100% on postings and how you shine through. Your advice has always been spot on and you reach out to posters in a very kind and compassionate way.

Your spouse had some serious coping skill issues, i.e., like most of them, and ran away. You, like all of us, didn't ask to be divorced and have to deal w/MLC along the way.

Keep up the good work. You are an inspiration to all!

Thanks so much to you all for your viewpoints and for your kind feedback - it is truly appreciated. Xx

"if she is never haunted by the deep pain she is inflicting on the people who loved her the most, she has no empathy. And she makes a lousy partner. And if she is haunted by it, but does nothing to rebuild something, then she makes a lousy partner."

I read this on Gordie's thread and it stayed on my mind. Do you think it is possible for the MLCer to go on and have a thriving relationship unless they 'track back' and address the deep wounds caused?

The closest my XH came to any sort of apology was along the lines of - I know I made mistakes - BUT - I hope you'll see that I'm a decent and genuine guy who truly knows what he wants now - a new family.

I think decent and genuine is what decent and genuine does...but actually XH and OW do seem to be making a go of it - maybe some do go on to thrive with a new partner?

Just musing - I think we are way past any possibility of reconciliation, but I do feel that some sort of healing of the rift and wound would be a good thing.

Perhaps he is haunted. Can you cheat and not be haunted? I guess it goes back to the original quote above - if you aren't....

I may sound pensive, but actually it's been a fun week with lots of singing dancing and able to help a really good friend in crisis too...

Hope everyone is having a good weekend xx

HI

I don't think any MLCER goes on to be happy or have a better R..
MY XH is now D from OW
I also got sort of an apology on a VM-
they know or why bother apologizing

I think they are haunted and I think R are difficult general - over time after the fun wears off--they are hard
add deceit, lies and drugs to the equation.they become impossible

Its just a matter of time for most of them and even if they do manage to stay together
Im going to check what the percentage is of A that last lifelong-

Im sure some do manage to stay together as co- addicts--that is not a happy life
just my 2 cents

Have a good weekend
dance away!

No idea if she is haunted. Sometimes she sounds sad when she talks to me and recently she even said she missed spending time with me. But over the divorce and breaking up the family and adultery? No shame or guilt or regret. She says she is 100% sure she is doing the right thing. Sometimes I hope she is able to find her version of happy...no idea if that will happen.

Gordie,

you will see the signs of torment on her face. It is unmistakable. Sometimes she will seem like she the happiest person on earth and sometimes there will be horrid lines on her face.

I agree about the torment and I very much saw that with XH. I think he vacillated between highs with OW - to dreadful feelings about the duplicitous existence. After BD he said to me that the lying was the worst thing that ever 'happened to him.' So, he disassociated himself from the lying even - avoided direct responsibility - it happened 'to me'.

But BD was a huge relief to him, to unburden himself and 'come clean' was cathartic in his case. And since then he seems not to have looked back. Equally, it is difficult to see that a R in his circumstances could work out - she's 17 years younger, emotionally fragile, her last R was an A, his M broke up, then she cheated on him with XH - it's a disaster zone really. But my situation is one where a R with disaster written all over it does seem to endure for a good while - 3.5 years in fact.

Again, it may seem like I'm focusing on it heavily - truly I move solidly forward most of the time, but it's been on my mind this week and maybe my musings may help someone...

Xx

My XH A and M to oW lasted 10 years, its ended 2 months ago

The last VM I heard him say in desperation he needed help and he told one of his old friends , he needs out of new M

Your XH new R sounds like a disaster waiting to happen and it won't last
some women do only date M guys..There is a name for them..they hate men but are seductive
they ruin the guy--I read about this years ago
theres a book about it
My XH I believe had one of those

but like you said best to detach away from them
wish them well and go about your new life ..

Hi all, thanks so much for your thoughts above. It is helpful to remember that it generally doesn't end well for the MLCer. Not that I wish XH unhappiness, but I would like to see him have some regret at some point and perhaps apologise too. I understand either may never happen and that's okay. It doesn't take up that much of my headspace now.

Well, time for a mini update from me. I had a milestone birthday last week and enjoyed 4 or 5 different fun events with family and friends - meals out, a party and a present of a style consultation, which was fun. I felt spoiled by everyone and had a lovely time.

I'm still dancing and singing - plus yoga and divorce group friends. Divorce group is on at the moment and I'm helping facilitate one of the groups there. They are a lovely group and it seems to be helping people. We've had some fun too. Our group is a mixture of LBS and WAS actually, so that's interesting. Central to the situations are infidelity and drug or alcohol abuse. I'm glad to still be involved in the programme and it is rewarding to have something to offer others after the pain of going through it yourself.

A new group is starting up in our area for singles in their 50s. Me and some friends are going along to their inaugural meeting, so hopefull that will be fun. I have also been a bit tempted by a dancing holiday. But my two good dancing buddies aren't able to go and I don't feel brave enough to go it alone. We'll see how things unfold.

The flat is almost decorated, but with the winter months I crashed, burned and lost any momentum to finish off. I'm giving myself until the New Year off and then I'll do the rest. I did pretty well to get 75% done in the last few months and it looks mostly nice now. Work trips along and I reduced my days now - so a little more freedom and R&R for me. Work is still busy though and I always seem to have to cram in a little extra at home..

No romatic news - but really it is fun to be single and have friends, dance, song and laughter in my life. If someone nice came along, I wouldn't be closed to that, but I'm not actively seeking that either. Actually a married friend came along to my birthday party last weekend, where we had a really good laugh about various things. She said - wow, you divorced folk have so much fun!!

Anyway - that's it from me and I try to remember to practice gratitude. Someone on this site also recommended the Calm.com app, which I'm trying. I do like it and may buy it. I'm also getting more into folk music lately, which is fun.

Take care folks and have a lovely weekend xxx

Happiest of belated birthdays to you my dearest Sotto xoxoxoxo mwah much love and respect from the bottom of my heart.

I always enjoy reading your updates because you continue to be a shining light, a beacon really, for the rest of us. If we're supposed to be the lighthouse for the WAS, you are one of the people who is a lighthouse for us here. Thank you for that.

Yes, gratitude and service: two cornerstones towards a peaceful post D life.

YES - we divorced folk do have fun!

xoxoxoxoxo

Sotto,

Happy Belated Birthday! I'm sorry I missed your official birthday date.

You are an inspiration to all that come here. Your advice is spot on! Keep up the good work.

Have a great day!

New Thread:

A grateful heart..