You are right about GD, Job. There are other factors in play which would explain her anger.
September 2015 starts school
December 2015 baby brother arrives
D suffers post natal depression so puts on us a lot
March 2016 her adored Papa leaves who she would see daily
From that day has seen me very much less and obviously confused. Has not seen him since and the other day I had to explain that he isn't dead but not very well and I don't know where he lives but hope he will come back one day.
The knock on effect on us all has been terrible and has affected our relationships with each other.
I'm wondering whether to suggest to her to ask him if he'd like to meet her for coffee and see GS, who he hasn't seen since he was three months old.
What do you think?
First, thank you for doing the link up. I've taken care of linking the new thread to the old one for you.
The next time she raises the subject w/you, you might want to say something like this: "D, why don't you invite him to meet up w/you and your GD at a coffee shop or one of the fast food places for visit"? This will give her something to think about because you can't repair the damage that he's created for him. Your D is grown and it's up to them to find a way to mend that bridge between the two of them.
The other day I bumped into a former colleague I haven't seen for years. She told me that she'd seen my other half last September(the day after SS wedding, where he'd made excuses to leave early as he had work the next day!) at an annual Elvis convention (of all things!) over an hour away at a seaside resort.
She wondered why I wasn't with him as we were always joined at the hip. Anyway D decided to text him the day after asking him if he'd enjoyed the convention, to which he replied it was crap and how did she know he had gone. She explained.
She then asked "was it with (insert name) you went with? She knows his GF name as he asked if she could attend the SS wedding the day before the convention, SS sent S & D the text asking. She asked in a way as that he couldnt lie as he didn't know if former colleague had seen him with her (she hadn't) if you know what I mean.
He didn't answer...but reactivated his FB account a couple of hours later showing his previously hidden marital status as married.
He finally answered her last night saying it was a coach trip he went on on the Saturday and asked if she had a silver Fiesta car as he thought he'd seen her the other day.
How bloody weird.......he had the perfect opportunity to just say yes he did go with her to the convention (if they are still together) to just send D and everyone else the very big message that he is now with OW and that's how it will be and deal with it, but he didn't?
He's still on FB......three days now, no posts or anything but very unusual for him.
It's the longest he's been on there for seven months.
They say on here actions speak louder than words......I can but hope he's peeping out of the tunnel.
Forgot to say I asked the kids not to tell me her name, I don't want to know.
Well H has never been a big Facebooker but he has reactivated his account again tonight.
That's the third time in three weeks, in the last seven or eight months. This is highly unusual for him.
I did email him again a week ago, simply saying "still hoping you are ok". How can I be the lighthouse if I make no contact? It's the first time in three months. I won't again.
He replied within a couple of hours "yes thanks but working, how are you". Last time I didn't answer but I did this time in case he thought I was just playing games. I just said "I'm fine".
That was a week ago. I wonder if he's peeping out from the tunnel....it will be a year since BD next month. I haven't seen him since last May.
The guy just does not do Facebook.....me the other hand is on it all day!
Westo - Thank you for the visit and your kind words. Sending you a great big bear hug (((((Westo)))))
I hope you are doing well and that my post didn't set you back. I presume that the tattoo is all healed up by now? It probably looks fabulous.
You can be very proud of yourself.
Thanks for the hug Andrew! No, your post didn't set me back, but was thought provoking. I was really emotional yesterday, I find the smallest thing can set me off.
I had just cut a good ten inches off my GD's hair. The first proper haircut since she was born. She's only four and wanted to donate her cut off plaits to a children's charity. I felt really honoured to do so and very proud of her.
Tatt is all healed and looks great, I can't wait for spring so I can wear cropped leggings to show it off!
Westo - I thought I'd swing around and say Hi. I'm not posting or visiting too much these days but have been thinking about you. Odd as it may seem pre BD I had hair that swung waaay past my shoulders. Good on your GD for donating her's. Sadly there are few places that take grey hair so after sitting in a drawer for a few months I tossed my own plait.
I hope you are doing well. Here on this side of the "pond" the robins have returned as have the Canada Geese. I'm starting to think about my spring flower beds. I doubt that I'll do a full garden but will probably get a planter set up for some fresh veg for my lunches.
Hi Westo. Yes the emotional spinning is really hard for me also. The very best thing you can do (and I know this isn't what you want to hear) is to focus solely on you - making yourself into the very best you possible. I can hear KML saying "Drop the rope or get dragged" ... I sense that while it feels like forever to you, it's not really all that much time in MLC world. He could be peeking out as they do from time to time, but that's a far cry from doing the work to heal this, right?
Your GD is a wonderful kind soul. How sweet of her to donate her hair! Just keep the focus on you Westo - you're wonderful and worth it!
sending {{{{{hugs}}}}}
Hi Andrew and Bttrfly,
Thanks for dropping by. No news here, I'm still walking every day. I don't know how I'd cope if I didn't!
Bomb drop anniversary was a week yesterday, so that milestone has passed.
H is off FB again, but he was there for two weeks this time, a long time for him 🙄
He doesn't post anything when he is on there, I just think he noses.
GD is waiting on her certificate from the little princess trust for her plaits!
That was a rolleye smiley there, that didn't work!
And he's reactivated his FB account again FGS!
I have really learned a lot this past twelve months. I have learned not to be a fixer anymore and to love myself.
I have kept my self respect and dignity and shown my children to not give up on someone who is going through tough times.
I will NEVER beat myself up anymore thinking I am second best to H. I believe I and the rest of the family put him on such a pedestal, it became too much for him.
He was the love of my life, not anymore.....I am!
For Mothers Day I've asked the kids to buy me a bracelet (advertised on FB!) in silver with four infinity pendants with their and my Granchildrens names on.
Because, ultimately, apart from me, THEY are the love of my life.
He is still paying the mortgage and the bills.......that's really all I care about right now.
Apart from my dear GD, she's the only Grand child of his that doesn't know if he's dead or alive. We tell her he is but she doesn't really believe us as he hasn't seen her for a year. That makes me so angry,
And..........breathe!
Excellent posting!
Keep up the good work!
Hi Pink - I love your quote that you are the love of your life - good for you!
And your idea for a Mother's Day present is lovely too - I'm sure you will cherish that and your nearest and dearest will be pleased to have bought you something that brings such pleasure.
I'm sorry that your XH doesn't see his GD. He may find it hard to deal with the fact that he is a grandfather, and I am sad for him as it means he misses out on the joy of that new relationship.
I spent a day with an old mutual friend of ours a month or so ago. She and her XH had been friends with my XH for many years and she hasn't heard from XH at all - despite her having a serious illness diagnosis and going through difficult treatment. I was staggered that XH wouldn't have been in touch with her and I do think it is sad not to be there and offer something to those we love during the joys and trials of life.
Anyway - it sounds like you are doing well and I'm pleased for you Sweetie.
Take care xx
Doh, I'm confused! That should read Westo not Pink - sorry Westo!! Xx
Ha ha....no worries Sotto, thank you for your kind words.
I must say that I would not be where I am today if it wasn't for Michelle's DR book and this forum.
When I think of the anguish I was in last year by constantly emailing H and waiting for his scattered replies to now.
I went dark last August and have only messaged him three times since, twice saying I hope he's ok and once to thank him for money he transferred to me at Christmas.
I have found by NC it is in fact easier for me. As Job says, he knows where I am and if and when he does make contact, I will know that he is ready to.
And I was doing so well (Rolleyes)!
Last week S texted me from work saying H had text him asking if could read the gas and electric meters as the estimated bill was particularly high.
I've been really careful not to put the heating on too much. So don't understand this.
Anyway I dread the meter, but I did email H to ask very politely to, in future please deal direct with me as its not fair on S. He replied says "yes, ok will do".
Last night I had too much wine and emailed him again. Just to say that he would adore our little GS (15 months old, not seen him since he was three months) and how intelligent and handsome he is, but a little accident prone.
I was surprised that he answered. He said that occasionally he does log in to FB to look at photos and that he is very cute and must take after his accident prone dad.
Oh well, I'm not going to to beat myself up about it. It is what it is.....back to darkness!
Quick question,
On our way back from shopping D said she was going to text H in the next few days.
I asked why, and she said she would ask him what his intentions were and what he thought would happen with us going forward, as she doesn't think I should live in the limbo I'm doing at the moment.
I answered her, but I'm curious at all of your thoughts and if my answer was correct.
Hi Westo, I'm hoping you told her this wouldn't be what you would want?
You R with H is your own business and if you want to contact him about his intentions, you will do that. (I'm not suggesting that btw)
Hope you have a good day Westo
Hi Sotto,
Yes, that's exactly what I told her. I told her that he knows where I am and it's for him to do so and if she wants to contact her about her kids etc that is up to her but not about our sitch.
Thanks for the reply
Looks like H may have forgotten GD fifth birthday which was yesterday.
D is fuming, especially as he went to his sons' house to see their new baby girl last week.
Father in law posted a card through her letterbox last night, they used to call in. How sad it's come to this....the family split in half because of H.
So D texted H today.......it was GD birthday Monday.........' He replied.
'Yes I know, but as you and GD's daddy said you didn't want her messed around
(I emailed this fact to him nearly a year ago),
I didn't send a card but I have been thinking of her'......he then proceeded to ask what she and I had got her and that he would send money to D's account.
D messaged back that he's still her Papa and the only one GD has. He ignored the comment and replied that he had sent money.
£100.......she didn't want money, she wanted a card from him signed Papa.
She is going to leave it a couple of days for him to mull it over before telling him that.
He's such a bloody coward, I just knew he'd use that excuse. If he had a pair of balls he could ask to see GD, nothing to do with me but hey.....there you go!
He really has a job to do with D....she will NEVER think the same of him again...he was her hero as he brought her up as his own from the age of four.
I'm doing great though........not emailing him and working on me, but it is hard.
He thinks he can brush her off with a bit of cash.........that he hasn't got!
Hey West, ugh, I hate it when H throws money at D as well. All she wants is her step-Dad home not cash. They think this will make everything better!
Crying again....
I haven't seen H since last May, but keep telling myself I'll be ok.
Hard though.....he used to adore me. When I got in from work he always had to sniff my neck, like I was his.
So difficult...
((((Westo))))
Be strong - you'll get through this. You are surrounded by people who care about you.
Thanks for the hug Andrew, I needed that.
I'm trying but it's been a tough weekend emotionally. It's so difficult to watch D in tears over the fact he didn't bother send a card.
I drafted a very angry email the other night after a few wines, and deleted it the next day.
I am learning, and so glad I'm not in the place mentally I was a year ago.
Its his 52nd birthday tomorrow.
I plan to send a simple email hoping he has a nice day, unless anyone thinks this is a bad idea?
D is still so hurt that he didn't send our GD a card on hers.
Two years ago tonight I messaged him in work to ask why he had removed himself from FB as people would want to wish him a happy 50 in the morning.
He answered that it was just a number and didn't want any fuss.
I thought then that it was a strange thing to do......the clues were there for a long time before BD.
Westo - Today is probably a tough day for you. I hope you are doing ok.
Time does give us perspective but it also blurs and distorts. I read a lot of histories and biographies - yes - I'm just that exciting. One thing I know is that even professional historians often differ in their interpretation of the same events.
One of the reasons I came here to this place was to try to "understand" and in the process drove myself mad try to make sense of the senseless. If you don't believe me, feel free to read some of my earlier threads. It took me a very long time to learn that I will never understand what happened and you may not either. It doesn't stop us thinking about the past and the "what if", but the past, just like the future are foreign lands. We live here in the present and it is a great gift.
Thank you for dropping by AP,
You are of course correct, we all view our marriages differently to our OH. Time has indeed taught me this.
Cadet's words always goe round in my head, about the gift of time and to use it well.
I'm so glad I'm not at the place I was a year ago. I'm sure we've both come along way.
I must say that NC has been a blessing for me. I dread to think of the Hell I'd be going through if he was still at home.
Just sending you a cwtch Westo. Hope you are having a good bank Holiday.
Thank you for the cwtch Coly
Well, I sent the happy birthday email over 24 hours ago but no reply as yet. D tested him her message last night hopin he'd had a nice day.
He answered "yes good thanks" that was it. Now in this country there is a habit of putting a kiss at the end of texts, it's considered friendly.
He has always put one on the end of his replies to her, but not this time.
So abrupt....I don't know if it's guilt because he forgot her birthday and/or because he didn't send a card for GD birthday.
Who knows.
Just to add, this is so unlike him not to reply....he usually does, just to be polite.
Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated!
Hey Westo! Oh the kiss on the end of a text is just so everything here in the UK!
Mmm, I'm not sure about your H and why he has not responded to you and missed a kiss off D's text. My H seems to passively aggressively answer my texts hours and hours later so I am used to it now but if this is different behaviour for your H maybe he is away for his birthday or there is trouble in paradise? Thing is we will never know the reason but I think my H does it to not give me any hope and remind me that I am not important to him anymore.
I don't think it is worth analysing it. You were gracious enough to wish him for his birthday even though he has broken your heart so you should be proud that you have taken the higher ground.
Thank you Coly,
I must say the only emails he hasn't responded to in the past are angry, motherly types from me.
He has always answered the others politely....so I'm quite confused as to why he hasn't answered this simple email.
Who knows....it maybe a very sensitive time for him!
Forgot to say....I did remind S that it was his dad's b day yesterday but I haven't and will not ask if he messaged him.
Well, I've come such a long way from a year ago. The last thing on my mind then was the lawns mowed, painting, cleaning etc.
This year, I pay gardeners to mow the grass, I did try it myself, but it took me a good two hours and knackered my back for days, preventing me from my daily walk.....not an option!
So, I've just finished the first coat on the kitchen cabinets (h last did it five years ago) and I've painted the outside sills and ornamental balls, to match next doors 🙄
One day, H will have to call and while he may not notice these things initially, at least they won't stand out as not being done.
D has decided that she is going to text him....she is upset that he sees the other grandchildren, but not hers.
I've told her to do whatever she wants but not to mention me.
What a difference a year makes....can I get a high five?
Very well done! I'm sure that when you are finished your projects, everything will look very nice. You have a lot to be proud of because you've come a long way. BTW, your h may have already come by and didn't stop in. They are curious people and yes, it will notice all of the changes that you've made. He may not say anything, but he will have noticed.
As for your D, you gave her the right advice, i.e., do what she feels she needs to do.
Keep up the good work!
Thank you Job,
I really need your words right now, I really do!
Thank you Job,
It's funny you said him stopping by. A few weeks ago he mentioned asking D what car she had as he may have spotted it.
She never really goes anywhere, and when she asked where he'd seen her, he never answered. She lives opposite to me.
I want to tell all the LBS on here, it really does get better. Time is your best friend through this.
Embrace it....I know this may sound mad, but his madness has given me the opportunity to grow into the woman I should have years ago...
This is truly a gift...and for anyone reading this who is new to MLC, please be strong......you will get through this and be a better person, I promise.
Westo - what a lovely update. A high five is sent at you all the way from Canada! And if you ever decide that Wales isn't able to keep up to you, I have some cabinets that need painting too
Awww AP, great to hear from you!
Second coat going on today, and if you pay for my flight, I'll be over in a flash. S works for Virgin Atlantic so I could get a discount!
I had a mammogram two weeks ago, I have to go for more tests on Wednesday.
Ffs....never mind. I am thankful I live in a country that screens for free.
Hopefully the follow up tests are just to help the radiologist see more clearly what the mammogram couldn't provide and then he/she can compare the next round of tests w/your mammograms from the previous years.
I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers, i.e., hoping that all is well. Stay positive!
Hey Westo, I was sorry to hear that you have to go for more tests following you mammogram. I just wanted you to know that I will be thinking about you tomorrow. Her is a big cwtch for you (((Westo))).
Thank you Coly, and Job for your well wishes, and a well needed cwtch,
I will be glad to get it over with. Today has been one of those when I wish I could ff 24 hours!
Not good news, I'm afraid.
I have a cancerous lump that will have to be removed. They did take a biopsy but it's only for confirmation as the doctor was very sure that it isn't benign.
Oh well, it could be worse. If I'd have had this happen this time last year, I would never have coped.
I'm a much stronger person now, it's just D I'm worried about, she very upset. S takes it in his stride.
I'm a firm believer in things happening for a reason and maybe H leaving me last year was to be in preparation for this.
S, on the other hand thinks its negative energy coming out this way.
Westo, I'm sorry to read this and sending my very best wishes. A good friend of mine has recently finished treatment for breast cancer, and whilst it hasn't been the easiest year for her, she is doing very well now.
From what I read, the prognosis is generally very good now and I am sure you will learn more in coming weeks about the treatment plan for you.
In the meantime, do take care and I am sure you are right - life doesn't give us more than we can handle. (((Big hugs))) xx
Hi Sotto,
Thank you for the hug and your kind words. So pleased to hear your friend is doing well.
I'm having a glass or three of wine now!
Westo - thinking positive thoughts your way and sending you an extra hug - I don't know how to cwtch.
You've got a good support network around you - don't be afraid to lean on them.
Thank you Andrew...a cwtch is easy, it's like a hug only with an extra squeeze!
Thank you Andrew...a cwtch is easy, it's like a hug only with an extra squeeze!
I'll practice on one of the cats for just in case we ever run into each other ....
Well,here's a turn up for the books.
I asked S to take insurance renewal docs to his Granparents house for H to sign and he told them about my 'news'.
Anyway my phone rang a couple of hours ago......it was H. I haven't seen or spoken to him for a year.
I didn't pick up, I was shaking too much. On the third attempt he left a message. He sounded very upset on hearing my 'news' and he wanted to see if I was ok but didn't want to call unannounced.
He rang D at the same time asking where I was and that he would continue ringing until I picked up.
She suggested I may have gone for my walk, so he drove along my route for twenty minutes and that's when he left the messag.
She knew I was home and she really wanted me to pick up the phone. I'm not ready to deal with him right now.
I need to digest this and his calls, before I can meet him. I had it all planned in my head. Make up, hair done, fake tan and this just threw me.
I can't help feeling rather annoyed at him. This is my bad news and what on earth does he think just ringing me like asking if he could call!
A year ago, I'd have jumped at that phone all, but not now.
Do you think it was just to ease his conscience, or am I being unfair?
I am sorry to hear your health news. There are some new treatment plans that have been successful and I hope that your doctor stays on top of this. I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
I think your h is concerned in his own way. He may be off in La La Land, but deep down, he still does care. It's up to you as to when you are ready to tell him about your health news.
Sending positive thoughts your way.
Thank you job,
I think I did right in not answering the phone. I know he'd only just learned about my diagnosis when he called with his parents today.
They live ten mins away. He sounded very emotional and upset on the message. But I think he also has to digest this news properly too.
D thought, on hearing it, it may wake him up, so to speak. But after reading all the posts on here, I don't think that would be the case.
He didn't phone me yesterday or asked to see me then, so what's changed?
Cancer, that's what. But it doesn't change the fact that he left over a year ago!
That is why I think he has reacted on emotion and I believe he needs to process this news too, before calling to see me.
I may pick up the phone later, if he rings again, IF I feel I can handle speaking to him.
God, how I've changed!
Just received this email, in response to the happy birthday email I sent him on 1st which he didn't answer until now.
Bear in mind this is the first time he's ever initiated contact or to ask how my mother is....
Hi Westo,
Thanks it was just like any other day to be honest.
Anyway I rung you earlier as I was concerned for you after being told you have had some bad news health wise, I wanted to call to see you but did not want to call out of the blue and tried ringing the house 3 times and then D said you may have gone walking again, I looked up the mountain but you were not there so I will ring you again next time I be down surgery either next Monday or Tuesday depending when I can get an appointment, I hope you are feeling ok and hope to speak to you soon, I have messaged S yesterday and today and hope he has a nice birthday and I understand he is off to Miami again soon, how is your mum these days has she been ok.
Regards
H
Yes, his grammar is bad and he doesn't punctuate.
I really don't know how to respond.....
Westo, I've just read your thread. I have a lot of similarities with you. BD near same time and my H contines to "pay the bills" and doesn't seem to be moving forward in any understandable direction.
Wales is my absolute favorite place on the planet so I'm quite envious that you get to live there. I would love to emulate your 6 hour walks (wow).
So sorry about your health troubles but I have known many people to go through the same and fare well. I think of all the cancers, this one has tremendous support, research, etc. I'm hoping for a speedy recovery for you.
How about just responding with your thanks for him checking up on you and telling him that you are doing as well as can be expected and your mom is (hopefully) well. Maybe leave a question for him to answer if he feels so inclined. Such as, how have things been going for you?
Hi OwnIt,
Yes, I've noticed we have similar stories and I agree Wales is stunning. On my walk I have a beautiful view of the Gower peninsula and Worms Head.
I don't know if you are familiar with the south west coast, but yes, I agree I'm very lucky!
Thank you for your encouraging words and I know I will have the best possible care here.
I have drafted a polite reply to H. I think I should....not replying would look like point scoring and I don't want to do that.
I have mentioned that I have been concerned about my right nipple for three years but the first test came back clear. So I'm not that shocked at this result.
The reason I've done this is that I hope it 'rings a bell ' with him and that he can see that it hasn't been all about him, all this time.
And I've ended the email saying that mum is ok, but I've decided not to say anything to her until after the op (she's 85 and had a stroke a year ago).
And that I've asked how his recovery is going after his hernia procedure....that's why he mentioned the surgery appointment in his email.
Kill em with kindness, I say!
I've not been to the So. Wales coast. I have really only been in and around Llandudno and my daughter sang in the International Voice of the Future Competition last summer in Llangollen and we drove around I think in mostly central and northern Wales. I do so hope to go back and spend more time in the future. The vast openess, coupled with the green are just amazing. My son loves the castles as well.
I don't know if yours was ever a big spewer, but mine was from last summer to beginning of December. At that point I made an effort to deescalate everything. Now we communicate very little, but it is usually cordial and polite. He normally contacts me in the pretext of him inquiring after some business matter (kids, house, etc) but it is usually clear that it is pretextural.
Definitely kill them with kindness. I'm sure mine does not know what to make of it. I have been short with my responses (3 lines or less) and am usually the one to end the "conversation"--which are never by phone, only text or email.
No, he's never spewed... He's always been really nice. He is a good man at heart.....
We have a castle here only three miles away. It's very historic and has seen loads of battles.
It's called Kidwelly Castle, it's beautiful!
(((Westo))) I'm so sorry to hear about your health news. I am praying that the treatment you receive is successful and you return to good health.
I am so pleased that your H tried to get in contact wth you. It shows that he still cares about you very much. I am also pleased that you kept him in his toes and didn't respond immediately!
Sending you lots and lots if cwtchs Westo..
Oh thank you Coly.....
And yes, I'm proud that I didn't pick up the phone, it must have confused him!
I have reached the stage that if a response, to anything, is going to cause me stress, then I won't.
I have bigger fish to fry than H......:)
I liked your response to your h. It was very simple and courteous.
When do you see the physician to set up your next appointment/surgery?
I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
Hi job,
I see him on Tuesday and should be operated on a couple of weeks after that. I'm cleaning the kitchen at the moment, just incase he does turn up Monday.
It's freshly painted too. I don't want the place looking a mess!
I have a feeling that good things may come out of this. I believe that he may have been putting off calling as he thought it would I tale relationship talks, like it was a year ago.
Maybe he now feels able to call as that would now be the last thing I would want to discuss.
There was a catalyst that caused BD and I hope this is the catalyst that could lead his way out of the fog.
If this does happen and he can build the bridges back wth D S but more importantly our little GD, it will all be worth it.
Things happen for a reason
Yes, things happen for a reason. However, I had hoped your health wouldn't have been the reason for his concern...but I do hope and pray that everything will go well w/your surgery.
His reply,
Hi Westo,
I remember you saying about your nipple quite a while ago, hopefully then it will be sorted and all will be fine I hope, are you sorted to go to the appointment, if you want me to pick you up I will if you like.
My operation was ok but it had gone quite big by time it got done and I got a 6 inch scar as he had to cut it open instead of the key hole operation I was told it would have been, it still aches and it still all numb but I expect that is normal as they said it could take 6 months to heal properly.
Anyway bye for now and hope everything works out ok for you.
Regards
H
Wow, that last line floored me!
I replied saying just that, and he answered this morning saying, on reading it back, it was a poor choice of words and he meant he hoped the appointment goes well, not in general.
How could he offer to take me, then add the last line, like the offer had been withdrawn, all in the same email?!
Like Job always says.....keep your expectations go zero!
And one other thing that I think she says "don't try to understand crazy" ...
You'll be happy to know that I was out visiting my "much" younger brother and practiced cwtch on my 1 year old nephew. He seemed pleased with the results. I'm a few years older than you and your H I believe but without grandchildren so it's nice of my brother to let me practice on his wee lad.
Gather around yourself those you can count on. You will get through this on your own strength and with the help of those people. You are in my thoughts and I am sure those of many other people here who care about you.
Hi Andrew,
Oh there's nothing like a cwtch with a baby! Yes, I agree I will get through this, but I really hope H will be a support to our kids.
That's all I care about, I worry for them and our little GD. She is going to need him if anything happens to me. Poor thing has been through enough in the last year or so.
I'm older than you, 56 next month
Just want you to know I am thinking of you. Focus on you and do all that you need to do when you need to do it. As mothers we tend to put ourselves on the back burner as we do all we can for our kids. Put yourself first.
Sending positive thoughts your way.
Thank you HaWho, and I agree with you, but I HAVE to think there is a reason for this cancer, it's the only way I can cope.
Update,
Wow.......I'm still trying to calm down.
D texted H, she said she wants to discuss GD. He turned up and GS, who he hasn't seen since he was three months old, took to H straight away and behaved beautifully. He to.d D that he misses us all and welled up when he said it.
When H got in his car he rang me and asked if he could call, D lives opposite me. I had made sure I was made up and dressed nice, incase he did. I answered the call saying it was up to him, so he did.
It was surreal......although he rambled about work and himself (a lot) he was definitely back to his old self. Spark back in his eyes and his sense of humour.
I behaved, like someone you would be mad to leave. He was met with a very different woman. I could see he was really checking me out while I made the tea and commented how well I look and how much weight he's gained.
I made sure I listened (even though I was rather bored) and made eye contact all the time.
He told me he had googled breast cancer and thought it was simply remove the lump and all will be fine and that his mum was exaggerating......he's in denial.
He said that he had past here a couple of times and once, after a night shift, he had forgotten that he no longer lived here and had pulled up at our garage before realising at 4 am.
He told me that the R with the OW isn't what I think ( I butted in saying "hey you don't need to explain to me") and that he was using her in a way, paying a weekly amount to house share.
He is going to fix the toilet and the loose slabs I have and he is going to take GD to the park on Saturday. On leaving D was outside her house and asked if he wanted to see GD there and then, which he did.
She ran into his arms....it was so moving. He was close to tears, he was quite a few times with me too.
Anyway he said he would see me Saturday and he told GD that he will take her to the park every week.
I will sleep well tonight. I just want GD to have her papa back
Westo, so happy for you that the grandkids had their papa today. I hope he keeps up with his intention. Baby steps.
Hey Westo! What a lovely update, I'm so glad your H is reconnecting with his GK's. It's just a shame it has taken for there to be a serious issue with your health for him to get his head out of his a&&!!
Interesting that felt the need to justify his relationship with OW..... Mmmm....
Glad AP is taking the cwtch to Canada!!! Today Canada, tomorrow the world!! Wahahaha!!!
(((West)))
I got this email this morning,
Hi Westo,
It was good to be able to talk to you yesterday after such a long time, although it was difficult not to embrace you, I hope to call again on Saturday if that's ok as I need to find the car documents if I can.
Also I am still available if you wanted me to come with you later today if you wish as I am also worried about D having to go in with you today, also are you sure her car is ok to go there with her brakes making noises like she said yesterday, anyway just let me know if you change your mind or just want a lift for you both.
H
So I said ok, it would be great if you could take us. And so he did. He wanted to come in with me to see the consultant but D was adamant she wanted to, she has become very protective of me and has been my support since he left.
He ended up taking GS for a walk while we were with the doctor. On leaving he kept touching my arm and base of my back. It actually got on D's nerves like he was some superhero to save the day!
Anyway, I have a 'bog standard" breast cancer which is treatable by a lumpectomy or mastectomy.
It is entirely up to me. So I have an awful lot of thinking to do. H was quite vocal in trying so sway me to just have the lumpectomy, which wound D up even more!
He came in for a quick cup of tea, and hugged me on leaving and I thanked him for taking us.
What an emotional week it's been, for all of us, I believe!
Hey Westo, I'm glad H has stepped up to the plate to support you but I can see why your D was very protective over you. It must have put his nose out of joint somewhat to realise he has lost his place in the family.
I am also relieved that the lump is treatable but I can see that it might be a difficult decision to make as to which treatment is right for you. IMHO, your H shouldn't have even given an opinion so I can see why it wound your D up! It seems he has made an entrance and expects everyone to be the same as before he left but little does he know that his leaving has probably changed you all.
Take care ((Westo))).
Yes Coly, you are right.
I didn't actually want or need him there, I accepted his lift only to save D from driving to a city centre and finding a place to park.
I also did it for H.....I can see he has an awful lot of guilt and if he stepping up to the plate helps with this and his journey out of the tunnel, then no harm done.
He has to do all the work here.......I'm just being a princess on a pedestal.
I am so proud of myself, and I think it would be a totally different sitch if I hadn't discovered this forum.
Priceless advice. He must be thinking the old be has been abducted by aliens and replaced!
Love how Andrew has introduced the Cwtch in Canada too!
Westo, so thrilled to hear that you have some options. Looks like maybe your H was waiting for a way to get back involved. I'm hoping he is able to continue his efforts for your sake and those of your D and GK.
Hi Westo, glad to hear about the treatment options and it must be a relief to know you have the 'bog standard' variety too..
It is good that your H stepped up to the plate in your time of crisis. I would add a note of caution to what previous posters have said. It may be the start of a slow return. Equally, he may dip in and dip out again. The best advice I can give is to be perfectly willing to live your own life as you have been. And if you want to allow him a bit of space in it from time to time, then you can..
But, do keep your expectations low and then if he does 'dip out' again, it is easier to accept that...
Good luck with your treatment, whatever option you decide to go with..
Xx
Thank you OwnIt and Sotto,
Yes, it's good news to have a 'bog standard' breast cancer. I initially thought mastectomy, but I'm now going with a lumpectomy.
I am so over H, I can't get over it. D thinks he comes across as rather pathetic, so she has changed her attitude from wanting him back with me to not!
Time will tell....I have no expectations from him, but I know (in my heart) he will not let our little GD down and that's all I care about.
He has offered to take me to radio therapy a few days a week, which I thanked him for.
I am telling you, he has a new found respect for me. Whatever happens, that is what I'm most proud of.
What did someone say on here (maybe Jack) "you are the flower, the OW/OM. is the weed".
Breast care nurse came today. I have pre assessment next Wednesday including:
Chest X-ray, abdominal ultrasound and bloods. Thursday, bone scan. Following Monday (day before op) an injection into my breast of radio active stuff to the lymph nodes.
They will then use a Geiger counter when in surgery to see how many need to be removed.
I have been assured that because my lump was discovered through screening, even if I have to have chemo (which she doesn't think I will need) I have a 97% chance of leading a full life, although I will have to have radio therapy for three weeks and drugs for five years.
So ladies over 50........go and get screened!
Westo, such great news. I hope the process goes swimmingly and you are back to things quickly.
I am very glad to hear your good news! The most important person in all of this is YOU! Take care of yourself and follow your doctor's orders to the letter "T".
They will then use a Geiger counter when in surgery
Geiger Counter? You must be pretty hot stuff then
Great news Westo - so happy that you have a good prognosis.
Thanks all,
Yes I'm extremely lucky and my consultant said I will receive the best possible care this country has to offer....world renowned.
He was the actual doctor that made the study purely on women who were screened through Breast Test Wales.
H emailed me this morning asking how it went with the nurse's visit yesterday and hoped she had provided me with enough info in order to make the right decision for me.
If I had time for a chat tomorrow when he picks up GD (she's so excited) we can talk about it then.
I am being very wary, don't worry! I will take each day at a time and leave it to him to make as little or more contact. I'm only interested in our GD.
I won't put myself through any stress over him....
I'm glad to read this Westo. Sounds like it is all perfectly treatable and plans are being put into place.
As Job says - do prioritise yourself and if you choose to make a little room for your H - only do so as long as it isn't at your own expense...put you first!!
Good luck with everything xx
Thank you Sotto,
I certainly indend to, I let H come with us earlier in the week because I felt he needed to......we shall see what happens but I am keeping my expectations to zero.
You have all taught me very well
Well, today H took our GD out and both D and me bumped in to them while out shopping in our local supermarket.
She had a couple of toys with her, he told us that she said her Mama said she could have 3 toys from Papa.....little minx!
But he didn't mind.....
On returning he came over for a cup of tea and a chat about my treatment, which I explained in detail and made it quite clear that I have no real worries about this cancer and D is fine to take me to all my treatments.
He wanted to take me to the furthest hospital that he is familiar with. 90 mins there,3 hours for the injection to reach my bones, scan and then 90 mins back.
Err.......no! Can you imagine?!
So, on leaving he again reached out for a Cwtch.....it was longer than last time and he did smell my neck.
I ended it saying "take care" and he replied...."no YOU take care".
He had tears in his eyes and while I felt love in his cwtch, saw longing in his eyes.
I'm not in denial, I know the man. But......I am mindful to behave with dignity and if he wants more knows that for me to want that too, he will have to put his big boy pants on and do all the work.
Westo,
You handled the day quite well. I'm glad you stood your ground about the hospital situation.
As for your GD, she knows how to play the game w/Papa! LOL!
Yes Job, she knows exactly what she's doing!
H was going to see his parents when he left yesterday, so I emailed him this morning to ask if he'd managed to allay his mums fears about the severity of this diagnosis.
He has just replied that he did...........with a X at the end.
WTF!
Hey Westo, just stopping by to say 'hi'! Your GD certainly has him wrapped around her little finger!
Ooh a little 'X' on the end of his text to you! Sounds like he's getting a little more comfortable with you but as you said stand your ground and let him do all the hard work!
Have a great long weekend!!
Love reading your updates. Your H is clearly going through something right now. I really hope that he keeps it up. Remember to keep those pesky expectations in check though.
I can picture your sweet little village, your daughter across the way, the beautiful countryside, and your angelic grandkids. Sounds like a lovely life.
Hi Coly and OwnIt,
Yes Coly......THE x. I haven't received one of those on any of his messages since a few days before he left!
Well what a difference a week makes. I have such an air of calm around me. I haven't felt that for soooooooo long.
I am actually quite exhausted.....
Went for pre admission tests today and H met us in the hospital car park to take GD to Pizza Hut. He was under strict instructions not to buy her a toy as she has been very cheeky.
He bought her a bathing costume, the little minx asked for one.....ffs!
He ended up back at the hosp and accompanied us for my bloods. To be fair he made a real effort with GS and followed him everywhere, putting him on his shoulders. He seems just like his old self only fatter.
He asked if D had the brakes done yet and I said no, but we will be fine on our journey tomorrow for my bone scan. He said again he could take us, but I thanked him and said we will be ok.
He is making a very special effort.....which is great. But I am concentrating on me.
We will see what the future brings but I am in no hurry....
Well, just got back from the bone scan. I'm really tired, it's been a long day.
H texted D this morning to say that if he can help in any way or if she's struggling to just let him know. He added 'remember I love you all, sorry I don't say it'.
We had to kill time shopping, and I found some lovely silver bracelets each with a charm with different meanings.
So, as its 1st June and the day H told us he loved us all, I bought one titled 'New Beginnings'.
Hey Westo, just stopping by to give you a cwtch.
I really love that you bought a bracelet titled 'new beginnings', how apt for your sitch and it can mean so many different new beginnings.
Lovely to hear that H says he loves you all. It almost sounds like he suddenly realises he never stopped....
Hi Coly,
Thank you for stopping by. Yes, it's all very strange......but I really saw it in his eyes last week and he can't take his eyes off me.
I feel he's thinking 'that's my wife, I must be mad to leave her'.
D feels he's only saying these things because of my cancer, but maybe it takes something like this to shake them up.
My soul is happy and calm, and I never thought I would be saying that two weeks ago!
Westo, I hope the positives keep coming for you!
Thank you OwnIt