Hi everyone. I have a thread in newcomers which is probably maxxed out. So, the past few months I have been on the MLC rollercoaster. H is severely depressed and outright said he was in MLC (he's young, but I see it)
I've DBed, I go back from time to time and read DR (sitting on the bed right now) time passes, and I still feel like I'm going nuts. I need to muster up all the patience I have and then some. I am really struggling, even though some days are getting better than others.
As per my DB coach, I started being a friend to H. Things were going somewhat well, in the sense he'd share with me things he was up to, or email me a link to an article he knew I'd like. We had lunch a few times. His unhappiness is pretty much palpable. He is really struggling right now. Awkward hugs at the end of the lunches, as if I have cooties. Or leprosy, or something equally as horrible.
This week I definitely messed up DBing so need to regroup. A financial talk which was a bit overdue turned into an R (and D) talk. I got upset, said some dumb things I of course regret like "I need to move on" and "I can't do this anymore."
Well, of course I got back all the 'i feel pressured to decide and I cannot decide and you keep pushing and pressuring me and the more you do that the more i will back away.' I, stupidly, defend and say I have done nothing of the sort to push you to make any decision regarding our relationship, i was asking about a financial question.
Then, ugh, he's like, i need space, i need time, my therapist says i shouldn't talk to you, and so on.
Basically, it seems, the last month of a few pleasantries was... not pleasant.
Then he starts rehashing old stuff, all the stuff i did wrong, i tried to validate and knew i needed to end the conversation!
At the end he was basically saying he is so unhappy and thinks he may never be happy, and maybe we shouldn't talk.
So, I plan to give him space, and not initiate contact. I feel really lonely and emotional right now. I made plans for tomorrow to meet friends and made an appointment for a massage today. I plan on journaling here, and maybe borrow a rubber band from Coly (so i snap myself with it instead of texting H).
There were a few days that were so good before this! Like, last week asking me how my day was in a text. Or maybe its all just temp checking, who knows. I miss H. Or I miss the old H, or maybe even who I thought the old H was.
Happy Saturday DBers.
My thread in Newcomers:
Taking the unlurking plunge finally.
Welcome to the MLC Forum. I'm sorry you are here, but we've got a lot of wonderful people posting here who will be happy to come by and visit w/you, i.e., support you, give advice and/or opinions, as well as just to talk about life in general. So, I'm going to paste Cadet's Welcome Posting here for you to begin some brand new homework. Read as much as you can about MLC and depression and if you have any questions, don't hesitate to ask them.
Here's Cadet's Welcome Posting:
OK so that means MORE homework.
Welcome to this board.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD,
Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htmMichele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htmKeep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.
This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.
I would start with the going dark link.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post50956Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2537289#Post2537289Resources thread(last post only)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2592296#Post2592296Things you should know as the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2701017#Post2701017Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764Doormat Tactics
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1942444#Post1942444Standing vs leaving
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1966340&page=1Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574Musings from AmyC
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2253741#Post2253741MLC Signs
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2177869#Post2177869The Final Stages Withdrawal to Acceptance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2074403&page=1Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources.
You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you!
Start your homework assignments.
Something to DO while you are on moderation.
GAL.
Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath.
In general take care of your self first.
Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H/W has given you a gift
THE GIFT OF TIME
use it wisely
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
_________________________
Me-62, D30,S28
Hey Altair, I've been patiently waiting for you to create a thread over here and look I have an elastic band ready for you!
I'm sorry you have had a rubbish time with H lately, I think that anything we say will be perceived as pressure however the things you said to H about moving on is essentially what I want to say to my H as well so don't beat yourself up about it. You are only human.
I am sorry to say but I think your H has you dangling on a string. At the moment his feelings are the only ones that count so you telling him how you feel has made him defensive otherwise he will have to deal with the guilt of what he has done.
If his therapist had told him not to speak with you then maybe you should respect that and go NC now. It might be good for you both. By the way, why would his therapist say that to him??
Thank you Coly, I accept your rubber/elastic band. H has been peppering in his statements with "my therapist said i should do X" and they are generally cutting comments in the moment, probably designed to hurt. Either way, I simply need to have more self-control to do the DB Way. His feelings, his world is all that matters right now and he is suffering mightily.
I did an AndrewP and went and got myself some tulips. A trip right now would really help me clear my mind-- but I can't at the moment due to work-- but I am trying to plan something, hopefully out of cell contact and nice and remote. It's kind of amazing to see people on here talk of how it is getting cold! Not where I am!!
In a not-quite proper GAL way, I went to a trendy bar near my place I'd never been. I had a fancy cocktail and chatted up the bartender and some other patrons. The bartender said to me, "Do you have any plans for Halloween?" I was so taken aback, laughed to myself, thinking, when's the last time anyone asked me that? I haven't been to a Halloween party in over a decade. I took it as a compliment, maybe he thought I looked young, who knows. I do know this, I'm in no way shape or form ready to even think about dating, although a few of my friends have encouraged me to test the waters. Going to a bar for a cocktail is as far as I can go. I am starting to get the "you need to think about moving on" advice (unsolicited). That said, the longer I am here on this board, the longer I realize this is going to take, and keep struggling to GAL.
Altair - I am flattered with the reference to my own pampering with fresh flowers. Your reference to Halloween resonated with me. It is one of my favourite holidays. For many years I will decorate up my sailboat and myself in a pirate motif. I have a blast (and a cannon). D24 told me that a lot of people would be disappointed if I didn't keep it up when I expressed doubts about it for this year.
What I want to say to you is that you need to take these opportunities to take a big bite out of life and enjoy yourself and celebrate the good fortune you have had putting the sorrows behind you for at least an evening.
Hey Altair, how are you today?
That's always an interesting question these days. I think it depends which second you ask me.
Saturdays and Sundays are the worst, it seems for me these days, although I do have a plan this afternoon. For some of the day, I'm generally in a panic trying to schedule things (including the dreaded upcoming holidays) to fill these (perceived) empty days. My IC says I shouldn't rush to do that, and consider more meditation-type activities. I get it, as my brain is in obsessive overdrive, so how am I? I am good, as I am looking over my week's calendar.
And how are you? That 5 week buildup and denoument you just had was (what is the word) better than him not responding at all?
I'm not sure what to think of your sitch right now.
The weekends are rubbish for me as well. I just end up ferrying D around most of the time! However I'm not rushing to plan things either, im just going to take it as it comes. I did have a nice weekend with our friends though. Lots to eat and drink!
That sounds ominous that you dont know what to think of my sitch! To be honest neither do I!
I just spoiled it all by sending one text too many with no response from H. I'm such an idiot! Back to being dark! (He just responded in the last few minutes).
Have you heard from H this weekend or does he generally not contact you on the weekends?
H said the week's discussions about finances and a bit of M talk "completely overwhelmed him" and he needs to figure out more boundaries about our communications. Because if I text him, he responds right away and his therapist says he shouldn't do that. The amount of times I've initiated is extremely small compared to how much he reaches out to me, but, it apparently feels like a giant obligatory pursuing attack on his soul: short answer, no. Last week he contacted me every day. This weekend, nothing.
I've been reading some pursuer literature and find it really interesting. I need to schedule a DB session-- the friendship thing and this pursuing thing seem to be clashing a bit, to my afraid squirrel H. Then again, I might just chuck my phone in the river. Problem solved!
Also: I say things to my IC like, the old me would never put up with this nonsense. Meaning in non-marital love relationships. My IC won't have any of this logic though, she's like yeah but now you are married, you cannot compare those to this.
I still want to throw away my phone, however.
Hi all,
Journaling.
Had DB session this week and IC, advice pretty darn similar: he's too much in his own spiral to work on much right now. So, back to not initiating, but will respond lightly to a text should there be one, and meetings and such should wait. Everything should wait while he goes through his depression. So, it's been 5 days of not hearing from him. I'm sad but immersing myself in extra work projects, ran 2 miles today, reaching out for holiday plans.
Steeling myself for future hibernation (although, right now, I think it's like 85 out)
Hi Altair, im sorry that things seemed to have stalled a bit wih your sitch. I can see that there are a few of us from Newcomers who had the BD around the same time where nothing seems to be improving very much.
It's good that DB coach and IC are on the same page. Maybe that's what your H needs, some alone time to face his demons and you need this time to regroup and think about you and your needs.
Wow, is it really that hot! I'm very jealous and agree that it's certainly not hibernating weather! Get out there and be the best, awesome, fun loving Altair again!
Hi Coly,
Yeah, just because we were communicating I didn't think it was forward motion. I can sometimes sense the lack of respect, the resentment towards me even though he was being nice to me. DB coach wasn't surprised, helped me find the positives (not ready for MC doesn't mean NO MC, and even though there were divorce conversations he did say there's still a chance to work things out) and give him space...
No I guess your right Altair re communication. I need to think that way to as well although any communication from H at the moment will be a bonus for me!
If he does ask you to meet up will you suggest it's not a good idea or say that you are doing something else?
Coly, excellent question. (I think to reiterate for anyone reading our stories i will say this)
You and I don't know if there is an OW. not much evidence of such AND we didn't snoop plus now we can't.
So much of DBing is for people with spouses in affairs-- we can't exactly relate- although people assume--and they might be right-- so are we doing the right thing is the question?
He hasn't initiated a meeting in over two weeks so, I have no idea if he would. He's pulled back again. It seems.
That's true Altair, we don't know if there is ow involved but in a weird way I wish I knew because then there would be a reason why my H has dropped me like a hot potato. And also like you say at least we would know if we are doing the right thing in going dark and setting boundaries.
It will be a tough call if your H does want to see you. Personally in mho I would arrange to meet him if he asks but on my own terms ie date, time, place so it doesn't look like you are jumping at his invite.
Still nothing from my H and although Pinns's post gave me some hope I still feel that this might be the end if the road for me.... :0(
A MLC doesn't necessarily mean that there is OP involved w/your spouses. There are some who use work, drugs alcohol, sports, cars, technology, traveling, etc., as a crutch during MLC. My father used fishing and gardening as a way to heal his soul.
You are doing the right things if you are going NC and only contacting him if there is an emergency. If he contacts you, be civil and kind, but do not initiate relationship talks. NC is for you, just as boundaries are for you.
When your h is ready, he'll contact you. Have faith in yourself and what your marriage stood for pre-crisis. Trust the advice that we give you...it does work.
Thanks, Job.
I'm trying to hang in there. As you know, it's very hard work.
Yes, it is very difficult work and that's why you need to dig deeper for patience. The crisis didn't happen over night...it took years in the making and it will take a long time for your spouse to recover from it.
Let me ask you this (and I want you to think about it for a while)...what would you do if your h was in a coma and didn't know when he would wake up? What if he woke up and didn't remember who he was or was different personality wise? What would you do if your h suddenly died? The reason that I'm asking these questions is to help you think outside the box.
The old h is gone. The h you see now is the mirror image of the old h (opposite). Just as your old marriage is dead. When the time comes and you reconcile, a new relationship will begin and both of you will have changed quite a bit. You can't go back to the way things were because of all the changes that you both have made. If you do, your relationship may not survive. The relationship will be a work in progress each and every day.
Yes. There's no going back to that relationship, for so many reasons. i believe his IC right now is getting intense, going into his childhood. He's never had counseling about it-- and he never really spoke about it. This was long overdue, and I'm really happy he is getting IC and wrestling with his demons.
At first, I wanted to be there for him through this, support him, but that's not how it worked out.
Thanks from me to Job! NC does take a lot of courage and determination and when I feel I am going to falter I think of the alternative anxiety that comes with waiting for a response to a text (like last weekend!) and that hardens my resolve!
Altair, have you got anything planned for the weekend?
Argh, my weekend plans fell through! So now I don't have any, save for a daily run in the park, food shopping. Coffee with a friend on sunday.
NC takes extreme amounts of patience, as does this whole process. Must dig deep, find reserves somewhere inside.
Altair you got some really good advice so far, all I wanted to add is that no contact might seem like the harder choice, but it is far better than the alternative. Every R talk I initiated ended badly for me, and pushed H further away. And even now, whenever I get too friendly I get one of the tired looks that shows me that he is not ready. So keep up the good work, it hurts less in the long run
Oh Altair, that's rubbish! Is there anything at the cinema you could watch? Or rent a film with a nice bottle of wine. If it was for sitting my niece and neohew tonight I would be home alone too..
Yes your are right about NC and the DB process as a whole. I am not naturally a patient person and I'm also a talker so this is testing my very nature!
I watched The Wizard of Oz last night with a cuddly cat and a bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon. I highly recommend it for a LBS having the blues. An upbeat classic film with a strong "there's no place like home" message and the importance of self growth.
Andrew,
I'll think about Wizard of Oz. It certainly isn't depressing. The cat, on the other hand, I can't think about, can't have pets here. Someday I will get another cat!
Journaling.
It's interesting, having been lurking since June, suddenly there's a slew of old timers coming back and checking in and updating- it seems like more lately. I guess now that the shock has worn off, I want to clarify a few things. I know why I am here. We grew apart, I felt him pulling away, I became a pursuer. I did not know that he would suddenly up and leave with very little warning. I thought that we'd attend counseling and try to work things out. I'm here because I didn't see this happening, as it is unfolding. I didn't think H would leave and refuse counseling, and not press for a D. This just wasn't how we solved problems in the past. H was never rash or petulant or prone to extreme behavior. And, like most of us here, there were plans, leases, parties, lots of things all lined up even a matter of weeks before he left. I came here because I had no idea what to do, and the tenets of the books appealed to me. I didn't come here as a 'wronged person' (although some here are, rightfully so). I came here to try to make sense of a situation I've never been in, not even close. I do find many similar stories, and other, insightful not-so-similar ones.
I agree the limbo is the worst. But I also see to DB, and to let it lie, at least for now.
If you're looking for a movie to watch at home, I highly recommend Begin Again. It's currently on Netflix streaming.
Hey Altair, how was your evening?
I get from your earlier post (sorry can't quote as on my iPad and haven't got a clue if I can do that) that you are feeling very worn down at the moment. Me too.
Your H's therapist has told him not to contact you and I get that but I also get how it can cause an impass if you are also going dark. As you know this also happened with Pinn and caused 2.5 months of radio silence until he broke it. His W was told by her therapist not to contact Pinn so as to not 'get his hopes up'. But I think this backfired on her as she was expecting the old Pinn to pursue her maybe... Do you think you will wait until your H makes the first move to contact you? It's very difficult to know what to do for the best as your H sounds quite fragile at the moment.
Do you think it might help to write out some signposts as well?
You are right that your H has not wronged you in the sense that he has not gone and got himself an OW (as far as you know. Also from what you describe I'm not sure he would be capable of starting up another relationship at the moment), he is not drinking, taking drugs or wasn't abusive so applying some of the methods may not be suitable for your sitch. But I do think leaving him alone for a bit is going to benefit you both.
I feel my H is very indifferent to me at the moment so that is why he isn't making any contact. However I read on old thread from last year (I think it might have been Vanilla to Edz) that indifference is on the opposite scale to love so maybe he just needs more time. IDK, some days my resolve is strong and on others I just feel like I can't remember any of the good times. He had just clouded my memory with all the bad things so I wonder why I am still standing. On the other hand I can't think if anything else to do so I might as well just be still as they say...
Our H's are in a holding pattern right now but at some point they will run out of fuel and have to make some sort of radio contact to the control tower (you and I) but until then we will have to be patient.
Happy Sunday Altair!
Altair - I hope your weekend is going better. My weekends used to be structured around W so I really felt the loss of her even before she actually left the house.
What's worked for me because I like structure was to re-arrange my life and take more time with things. I used to rush through my chores and tasks on Saturday mornings when W was usually working and then have the rest of my time to share with her. Now I do some of the laundry on Saturday, some on Sunday. I take time to go for a hike (heading out shortly for one). I'm fortunate that I have D24 who says she doesn't mind getting peppered with SnapChats (S22 takes a week or more to get around to reading them). Is there someone who you can remotely share your day with? One of my "signposts" (do I get a commission for that concept?) is that I will post my Snapchats to my "story" and W will often look at them. I try to keep them non-threatening and upbeat - this morning included a shot of the French Toast I made to spoil myself. Even if W doesn't check it's nice to know that someone out there in the form of D24 who loves me is sharing a small slice of my day and she will usually share her's with me.
You can do this. Some people try to use GAL to "fill" their days. I try to take the time to live in my days. I'm even getting better at this.
Too bad we (for lots of good reasons) don't have any IRL connection - I'm sure one of us would be your SnapChat buddy.
I've never tried snapchat. It seems the way you are using it is fun (and I find it interesting that your W looks at them). I bet I have friends that use it and I don't even know!
I've got to get a handle on these weekends- one cancellation of a trip and I'm spiraling.
Hey Altair, hang in there. I wish I was near we could go out for a couple of drinks! How did coffee go with your friend today?
All my Sisters and friends are married with families so I don't always have the chance to go out at the weekend either. Half the time i live vicariously through my daughter as she has a very full social life!
We had a really nice lunch with my Mum and Dad today and I had/am having quite a few glasses of wine which isn't good for a Sunday! My Mum made the best chocolate cake ever and I was tempted to text H to ask if he wanted to come over for some. Luckily I looked on here and saw Blu's post on my thread and she jolted me back to reality!
This is hard Altair, I won't deny it but there is nothing we can do. We've got to start accepting the cards that we have been dealt. We both are still young enough to have a full life and if our H's want to come and join us eventually then they have a lot of making up to do.
Let's keep posting but let's try not to focus on or Hs and instead let's focus in us. Are you in?
Deal, Coly, Deal!
No coffee with friend yet, it's earlyish here.
OK, so here's one huge distraction idea/plan I'm having this morning. and it's working!!
I want a pet! I'm going to get a pet. I live alone in this nice big apartment and spend a lot of time here, so I'm thinking about a little friend to keep me company! Already obsessed-- poring over websites, looking at little friends.
So excited.
(That's another disaster this year, our cat died, miss her much)
And what about you? Your plans?
Oops sorry, keep forgetting about the time difference, it's evening her in the UK!
Fantastic idea to get a pet! We had a rabbit which had to be out down last year and we miss her very much. D and I have been thinking about getting another pet to. It can't be a cat as I am very allergic so we have been looking Sausage dogs! However... they are very expensive and I'm not to keen on the licking side of things! I might have another think about it after Chrustmas though.
What have you seen so far?
Altair - I believe it was either you or Coly that mentioned that you couldn't have a cat. Have you considered a bird? Many birds are quite companionable. D24 had a budgie - I think it lived for about 3 years - that was quite the little sweetie.
Andrew, I can't have a cat because I am very allergic however I have had budgies in the past and absolutely love them! Unfortunately D is very stuck on having a dog but I would definitely have another budgie! My favourite was Lucy, she was bad tempered (like me) but very lovable (like me)!!
I like birds. I was fantasizing about an animal that I could travel with in a little purse (probably a silly idea).
No pets allowed in my building so it would have to be a silent pet- I don't think birds will fit that bill
are there any silent birds?
Google lionhead bunnies. Cutest things ever!
Bunnies are the cutest little animals...but they chew! They love cords of any kind. They needs things to chew on to keep their teeth a certain length.
I have friends who have two lop earned bunnies and they've made a "gated" community in their basement for them where they are safe and aren't chewing electrical cords. Great pets because they don't make noise and are easy to take care of.
I like birds. I was fantasizing about an animal that I could travel with in a little purse (probably a silly idea).
No pets allowed in my building so it would have to be a silent pet- I don't think birds will fit that bill
are there any silent birds?
Google lionhead bunnies. Cutest things ever!
Altair - your comment made me smile remembering the old Bugs Bunny / Sylvester / Tweety cartoon about pets in apartment buildings.
No clue if there are silent birds. Perhaps you can get LT and his D to catch you a Pokemon?
Yes my bunny was a lop eared bunny and lived in the house. She chewed many a tv cable!
How about a fish?
I dreamt about fish last night. I love fish, but they aren't needy and loving!
I found the cutest angora mix bunny through a local pet rescue. They proceeded to send me no less than 9 forms to fill out. One of the forms was this big long tirade about don't even think about getting a bunny if you are not allowed to have pets in your building we will call your landlord to verify.
Another form was asking about other pets/rabbits you've had and why did they die?
These people are militant!
Ha, that's hilarious! They sound like pretty scary people!! As long as you dont tell them that your last angora bunny is now a fluffy jumper!
I completely understand your need to get something that needs caring for. About a couple of months after H left I felt my need to care and look after something kick in big time. My D is needing me less and less and I felt such a strong need for another baby to fill the emptiness in my heart and that's when we stared looking for a dog seeing as a baby would have been a tall order!! Unfortunately I don't think we have the sort of lifestyle to care for a dog so it's gone on the back burner.
Its a tough one exotically if you can't have pets. I was going to say how about a stick insect but cuddling one of those would be awkward... :0)
Exotically! I meant Altair!!!
I was not a good DBer this morning. In fact, I quite lost my mind. I emailed H that I couldn't go on like this (separated, not talking, drifting further apart). Then (cringe here) I called him over and over until he picked up. He, unsurprisingly, was like 'you are not giving me space, this is violating my request for space.' and stuff like if i need closure then i should file, he's not happy, every time we talk it is too stressful, his therapist told him to stop talking to me entirely.
He told me my life is good, I should go date someone. He thinks about me a lot, many good thoughts, but he doesn't want to see me or talk to me at all, for awhile. And if I keep pushing him, there's 'no where left to go' and he will file.
We hadn't spoken for i don't know, at least 3 weeks, except for one email last week about mail that I got that was his.
So, yeah. I'm hounding and crowding him, he feels trapped, I ruined his entire day by doing this.
I cried.
I'm sorry that you had a bad day. So, you fell down...pick yourself up, dust yourself off and start DBing again. No more emailing, texting or calling him. He has told you in very plain English that he does not want to talk to you right now and you are not giving him space and time to figure things out. If you continue to push, he's going to come back at you again.
No, you didn't ruin his day...you ruined yours. Step back, detach, no more pursuing. Learn to trust us and the system. Have faith in yourself. Just leave him alone. He can't miss you, if you are pursuing him like a bad rash.
Tomorrow is a new day, focus on you and your family. Find things to occupy your time.
Oh (((Altair))), I know exactly how you feel! It's so frustrating. Three weeks of NC is a helluva long time to you because it isn't what you want. But as Job said, he has told you that this is what he wants/needs right now. Your H is not well at the moment and he recognises in order to be your H again he needs to fix himself first.
I know full well the desperation and I have often wrestled with that itchy texting finger and I also did the calling until he picked up thing in the first week of BD but vowed I would never do it again. It was not a good result!
You pointed me to LouR's thread and I have been reading it on and off all day and she did no NC with her H for months whilst he was shacked up with OW but eventually they did start talking. I haven't got to the end yet but it gives me some hope.
This is a real test of our strength and patience Altair but I think we can do it. Next time you feel the urge to contact him, call or text a friend instead, one that you have lined up as your emergency or put our a 'heeeeelp, someone stop me!' message here!
Now, I know it's Halloween weekend but there was no need to make such a ghoulish DB error! Just pick yourself up, get back on your broom and meet me at the Cauldron for a glass of eye of newt!! Maybe we could create a spell or two to bring our H's back to their senses!!!
Oh and Altair, if you haven't already done so read the repost from Clader about going dark, posted by Holly06. I don't think I can read it enough times to reinforce why I am doing this. Read, read and read it again. It's like food for the soul... X
thanks job and coly.
how about i just dump the boiling cauldron over my head.
Sure, Coly, you were calling H or whatever but that was at the beginning! BD in May, we haven't lived together in over a year (well, he moved in here for a few weeks), he's been in his apartment for 3 months now, I barely see him or talk to him, heck, I've probably only seen him a handful of times in the last 6 months and he still needs to be absolutely rid of me. And he's applying for jobs elsewhere.
So yeah, a new day starts tomorrow.
I cant seem to find clader or holly06 when i search, coly.
how do i find that one?
Hi Altair, Clader's repost is actually on page 1 of the MLC board so no need to search.
Sorry Altair, I keep forgetting that you and H haven't lived together for nearly a year but I don't think it changes anything as in what you are doing DB wise.
Don't pour the cauldron of boiling water over your head, I think that's how they used to shrink heads in the old days, more suited now to shrinking jeans and t-shirts!!!
Still don't see where Clader is? under which topic?
The repost is by Holly06 and here's the link:
Repost from Calder timely read about going dark Stay out of the witch's brew!
Happy Halloween!
Hey Altair. You got knocked down gf. Pick yourself up but first look into the mirror and ask if you are true to yourself.
This team of Altair, Coly and AndrewP struggles but we can do this.
Today's musical selection is Tub humping. We get knocked down but we get up again.
GD phone. Tub Thumping.
I blame doodler for the typo rather than the very nice bottle of red wine that accompanied my dinner.
Tub humping! Ha!
Thank you Job for the link-- I'd not seen that one before, it's great.
Argh- spent a big portion of day thinking about phone conversation, trying to make sense of it. In some way, I swear H is on here, he always says amazing DB stuff in these few and far between talks. Today he said, 'why don't you take this time and work on yourself. look within. work on you.'
and stuff like, 'i need space. when i'm ready to contact you, you'll know. i'm not ready now.'
I think the 'be friends' DB coach-induced idea was failing because his IC is telling him to go NC, and he wants it as well. he went along with it for a bit, but not really, lately he did a 180 and didn't want it. I'm just rambling. ok, I'll jump over to another site and look up vacationy-things to do in the upcoming months!
Ha Andrew, Tub humping has brought all sorts of visions into my head!
((Altair)) as Andrew and Job said, you just need to pick yourself up and move on from from this incident. Let him see that you have listened to what he has asked for.
I found being 'friends' really hard because I wasn't ready. When H used to come over for 'family' night I tried so hard to act 'as if' but my sad puppy eyes would always make an appearance and I consider myself a good actress!!
Andrew is right all three of us struggle wth the NC thing but at the same time, apparat from a few slip ups, I gain we've done pretty well condpsidering our internal struggles.
D saw H yesterday for the first time in six weeks and proceeded to tell him all the things we have done/going to do like choosing her college and going out to buy her prom dress all of which he would have been involved in. She said he seemed a little sad but we aren't punishing him we are just getting on with our lives without him. He may or may not be feeling the loss now but if that was me I definitely would be.
Good idea to start looking into vacations Altair although the daaaark roooom retreat still sounds like torture rather than fun!!!
Altair, I'm sorry to read what happened. So, you've just seen the impact that pursuing and pushing the MLC spouse has and it's not a pretty sight. The more you push, the more he edges out of the door. Whilst you feel you have given him loads of space over many weeks, he feels cornered.
Don't beat yourself up, but do learn from this. Heal from this episode with us and don't expect anything from him. Leave him be for now and shift your focus back to your own stuff...
(((Hugs))) and I hope your weekend improves xx
Altair - I first read your last update on my phone last night and wanted to check back and re-read and re-think. I'm glad that my typo caused some LOLs.
A year is a heck of a long time, made up of individual minutes, hours and days. It's like the old line about "how do you eat an elephant"? The answer is - "one bite at a time".
Some good things came out of this which I'm going to copy/paste into my own brain because I'm struggling with a particular question this morning that I suspect that you are too. He's working on himself, knows that there are things that need to be fixed and that he's not done with that fixing. I wish I knew that about my W. What you can also read into this is that he's not given up on YOU yet. You yourself need to decide if you are going to give up on him but you haven't yet. This is the bit that I'm pasting into my own brain. One of the things that I agonize about is whether my W has given up on me / us and has moved on and just left me behind. Your H hasn't given up on you and if I think hard about it, my W hasn't given up on me either.
So - package up these crumbs into a box for now to keep them safe, put on a bright smile and face the day.
PS - A bit of sneaky bypassing of posting links here. There's an online artist that I'm very fond of called Dave Kellett. One year ago today on October 29th 2015 he posted a strip to his Sheldon comic that popped up on my "on this day" in Facebook this morning. I re-shared it because today it's even more true for me than it was then and I think it might be for you too.
Sheldon - What a great quote: What would you do, and who would you be if you weren't afraid?
Dante - Content
Let's see if we can put our fears into a different box from our crumbs and practice contentment.
Altair, I think Andrew has a great point--you have clear evidence that your H hasn't given up, and that he is working on himself.
You said NC conflicts with the DB coach's advice about friendship, but I disagree. Sometimes friendship looks like giving the other person the space they need.
Hang in there.
thanks, people.
that is one way of looking at it-- that he hasn't given up. But there is another way too, that he is so passive aggressive that he wants me to do it, file, fill out the paperwork, do it all so he doesn't have to.
But, I'll try and be more positive and listen to what you guys/gals are saying.
Funnily enough I took it the way Andrew and Rose have which is that your H hasn't given up on you. I think he said exactly that a few posts back didn't he?
I think my H might wins the prize for passive aggressive laziness!
rose,
yeah, i didn't mean to imply db coach advice was wrong. Just that going dark isn't recommended in DB, but certainly if the S is begging to be left alone, well, like you said that's being a friend, to let them wallow in their mud.
So. The next amount of NC months (or years or whatever) will be good. I was probably the only one aside from his IC getting the brunt of his unhappiness. I was the person he'd vent to about how horrible things were.
I'm trying to see, for now, it is much better to have broken that tie. I was grabbing at scraps, for every 5 negative things there might be a tiny little positive interaction. Not good! So, onto a new week of NC.
It's weird, on Mondays if I follow a typical schedule for a lunch meeting and take the typical route to walk there, I can walk by H going in the other direction. I'll try hard not to though.
Thankfully it will be Monday-- busy with meetings and work and a later cocktail with a friend. Plunging onward. Probably should have made myself go to the halloween party I was invited to. Well, other holiday parties are preferable-- I don't think I've dressed up for a halloween party in 27 years-- more thinking about velvety holiday attire!
Also- today i'm weighing in at 109 lbs- that's less than high school weight. If I keep this up all my clothes will be baggy, even the second wave outfits I bought 5 months ago. aahh, the separation diet. It is amazing that food, which I used to really love, just doesn't attract me these days. Maybe all the holiday foods will tempt me!
Journaling.
Day 5 of the "new, reset" NC.
I have friends coming next week! I'm very excited. They are fun and will have a great time here, they drink a lot so I'll have to be really careful to not keep up with them!
Still working on holiday plans, trying to get "coverage" through the new year. I'm getting a few options though.
I remember now why I quit IC so long ago, at the end of my previous M. I went yesterday to new IC, mood calm and focussed. I left agitated and upset (are those two different feelings?) I'm wondering how to battle that. Are there IC goals I should go in with? I feel like I ended up just getting upset about H's actions.
Altair - one thing that helps me with my IC (other than taking lots of my own tissues) is to remember that it is for YOU and YOUR journey that you are there. Your H isn't on this journey with you and shouldn't be part of the conversation other than in explaining why you are having pain.
My IC also asked me the very important question in our first session "Why are you here". When I answered "to get stronger to survive this" she challenged me to describe what "stronger" meant.
My IC has also been great at giving me tools to cope with sprialing thoughts, deep depression leading to suicidal thoughts etc. It may be my "male perspective" but I would go in with a list of things that I was struggling with and my IC would help me come up with strategies for dealing with them. Perhaps that might give you a better focus the next time if you consider that approach.
Hey Altair, your friends sound like fun! I would also go easy on the drinking for fear of drunk texting H! I've literally had to sit on my hands to stop myself after a few too many!
Well done on the NC too. I'm sure your H appreciates it and it also means you don't get tangled up with his issues.
I went out last night with people from work. It was fun, they know my situation and don't bring it up.
I am a bit hung over-- I don't think I drank too much, I think I had this sweet rum thing that is giving me my present slight headache.
The bar manager kept cruising by our table and smiling at me, talking to us, enough that my co-worker said "he's looking at you. He likes you." I said something like, well, I'm not going to do anything about it but it actually is really nice to be noticed.
Internally I was thinking of all the horrible things H has said to me over the past 6 months, and yeah, some guy flirting with me made me practically break down in tears-- someone being nice to me!!
I know I am no shape to date. I will not date for a long, long time, I'm not ready and won't be ready for a long time, it's frustrating that it's in the air even. But those "well-meaning" friends... we all know don't get DB ways, no point in trying to explain to them.
It's on my mind because H brought it up in our last phone convo "Go ahead and date! I don't care. I need my space and you aren't giving me my space."
It was so painful to hear.
As some of you recall,and advised me on what to say, which i did, that I was not going to see other people, I'm married.
But there it was, the last time we spoke, it comes out of left field in the leave me alone conversation. It hurt so much to hear him say it.
One benefit of NC- don't have to hear stuff like that!
Hey Altair, I'm glad you had a good night out with your friends. Sounds like you really needed it! A little bit of innocent flirting is good for your self esteem too!
I'm with you on remembering the awful things H said, how it sometimes just pops into your head when you least expect it. Also I think you need to remember that whether you date or not is your decision to make and not your H's and you don't have to date just to give him space either. He probably won't even remember saying this to you anyway.
Going your doing great Altair!
Altair - Glad you had a good night out GF. My W tried to push the same thing on me to go out and date / find someone new. I think it's just the MLCer way of trying to reduce their own guilt from leaving us behind.
The reality is though that I suspect that she'd be furious if I actually did it (mind reading!) since she had always been very protective / possessive. I sense job sitting on my shoulder (is the right shoulder the "good angel"?) reminding me to heal and grow on my own. I'm sure if you glance over she's there for you too telling you to have fun but to no do anything you're not ready for.
PS - I didn't know you had a math background or at least a grounding in Latin based on your comments on my thread - or was that a bit of clever Googling ...
Altair - Glad you had a good night out GF. My W tried to push the same thing on me to go out and date / find someone new. [/b] I think it's just the MLCer way of trying to reduce their own guilt from leaving us behind.[b]
The reality is though that I suspect that she'd be furious if I actually did it (mind reading!) since she had always been very protective / possessive. I sense job sitting on my shoulder (is the right shoulder the "good angel"?) reminding me to heal and grow on my own. I'm sure if you glance over she's there for you too telling you to have fun but to no do anything you're not ready for.
PS - I didn't know you had a math background or at least a grounding in Latin based on your comments on my thread - or was that a bit of clever Googling ...
Yup! I was thinking the same exact thing!!!
thanks all--I can see that-- guilt reduction. Of course, on the phone and hearing it said, I couldn't exactly process it properly. (Or even a week later) I have no idea if H would be furious if I actually did it- he was never the jealous type at all. But, I have no intention of doing so, so it is irrelevant.
I am an emotional mess, and I know I couldn't even get through an innocent coffee date with a guy without falling apart. Just saying.
AP I'll respond about math on your thread.
I hear you Altair. If I went on a date now I would probably end up telling the poor guy about my woes!
hahaha could you imagine? In between tears and sips of coffee and declarations you'd be snapping your wrist elastic!
OMG, i can imagine date exits stage left very quickly!!
How are you doing Altair? I've started reading Pinn's threads again to give me some pma....
Hi Coly,
Hanging in there. Today is day 8. I've thrown myself into a new work project and am going into the office on weekends. Not the most exciting gal, but it does the trick. Yes, I find Pinn's threads very useful!
I think your doing great Altair and even if I don't envy you going into work at the weekend if it means it keeps your mind of your sitch then it's good!
I spent the day sitting for my twin niece and nephew. Very tiring but also fun!
Feeling a bit low tonight though, not sure why but it seems to have crept up on me again...
Me too, feeling low. Day 9 of NC. (day
Attempting to be positive:
asked for NC, said his IC recommended it
did not ask for D, said he wanted more space (but if I need to file, I should do so)
told me to take care as we hung up
One reason I am so upset is how things have kept going downhill. After BD, there was lots of hopeful talk from H, like "i think we can work this out" then as the weeks went on it was "I am very depressed" then "My IC says we shouldn't talk for awhile". I wish it made more sense to me. Why would suddenly NC be the way to go after June-July barely seeing each other, Aug moving out, Sept, Oct few interactions, zero arguments, etc.
Yeah, so I hadn't seen him for 2 weeks, one texting convo, I'm just watching him drift away.
It's tough. Feeling hopeless today.
Altair - You can do this. We're all struggling but we can help hold each other up. How about you and I lean on each other for a bit and cheer each other on.
How about you pick one indulgence that is just for you and make it happen completely guilt free because you're on a vacation from H. For me, I just had a few chocolate chip cookies tonight. I have my roses regularly which are just for me too. How about a mani-pedi for you? With sparkles! Every day is a great day to sparkle.
Thank you A.P. That brought tears to my eyes. One of those days.I'll have to think about an indulgence-- I know if I showed up at work tomorrow with a sparkly mani pedi my co-workers would REALLY think I'd lost it -- I can't do sparkles!
One issue making blues bluer: So, years ago I had a wisdom tooth, upper, come in, and the dentist pulled it out. OK fine, but as luck would have it, another one appeared on the xray in the same place! Well, I think it is finally coming in-- my mouth is killing me right there and I'm just dreading what to do and when- my whole week is booked with appointments, meetings, really important work stuff, you name it. AAAHHH! So on that note, a cookie isn't sounding too appealing right now. Maybe after likely dental surgery. So, flowers it is. I'm feeling like some tulips!
I don't think it's strange Altair that your H has asked for no contact a few months after BD. From your posts it looked like he wasn't working through his issues very well and when you were meeting up it was upsetting you to see him like that.
You are doing the right thing with going NC. I did it for seven weeks (I'm weak I know!) and Andrew has been doing it for months so we know you can do it! The first couple of weeks I cried every day but it did get easier, is easier even now.
I'm sorry about your wisdom teeth, I know what that's like! I had to have all four out because they were impacted!
LOL on the sparkly mani-ped I think my friends and family would think the same thing of me too! I think flowers sound like just the ticket to cheer you up when you are down. I love buying myself flowers. For one thing I get to pick what I like the best!
How is your work project going?
Thanks Coly-- I know you did, you made it through 7 weeks.Which, if this is similar or greater, puts me through the holidays. Which is ok. I agree there wasn't any 'progress' this whole time- someone who still says he's very unhappy, hates his life, etc.
Work is amazing, someday maybe I'll write about it here. It's inversely proportional, the worse my love life gets, the more opportunities and positivity is coming my way. I do appreciate it!
Altair - I was searching through my threads earlier because I needed some "words from job" to help me stay motivated and to let my W continue on her journey. job - if you are around my thread or here too - some calming words of being patient would help.
Here is one of the posts that she made to me that I've pulled out. There were better ones that made me feel confident that I was on the right path but this is a consistent message that I need to remind myself (and you'll need to remind yourself) of.
It's a long, tough road and it's not going to change course any time soon. Dig deeper for patience and keep focusing on you and your children. Leave her in God's hands.
Hi Andrew, I'm not Job but I'll try and help as the B team
I can't remember who posted it or exactly the wording and I read it a while ago - but...
The most loving thing you can do for someone at this time is to step back and allow the the dignity of taking their own journey. It's a journey that needs to be taken and it needs to be taken separately to you - you have your own separate journey to take.
This message always stayed with me - though I'm sure it was better worded at the time.
Hope this helps a little
Hi all,
I'll post here for a change.
Going to muster up all my strength to get through these next few months. I'll be alone tomorrow, H with his family. H's family was my family. I'm sure someone will ask where I am; or somehow my absence will be whispered about. I just hate this limbo. I could just file and never see him again, and end the limbo. There's no reason to see each other ever again from a logistical point of view, he took every last thing with him, finances are done too.
I'm only "waiting" because I am DBing. He never said he wanted a D, just , I don't know, months and months of "space" "time to think". Poof, gone. Wanted NC.
It was a good marriage. Towards the end we had a bunch of struggles and to me, drifted apart somewhat, nothing crazy. But, I need to figure out how to make it through the holidays on my own...
Journaling.
Best to write this here, as i shouldn't sent it to the proper recipient:
Dear H's mom:
I'm sorry to miss spending T-day with you. Last year we had a lot of fun cooking, serving, and cleaning up together for the rest of the family. Lots of fun and laughs, and the games at the end were a blast. H told me not to contact you or any other family members. Anyway, wishing you and family a happy Thanksgiving.
love,
Altair.
(((Altair))), I am so sorry you will be on your own for thanksgiving. If it was me I would have invited myself around to someone else's family gathering. Is it too late for you to do that now?
As you know I am having a tough time too but if I had to navigate this celebration before Christmas as well I don't know what I would have done. At least I only have Christmas to worry about at the moment.
I guess Altair, with the standing or not standing as in filing for D how would it have made today any different?
I really hope you don't spend the whole day on your own but if you do is there anything you can do to treat yourself? Or is it like in the UK where everything shuts down!
Hi Coly,
I do have an invite to a (new) friend's place but have been quite teary-eyed today, afraid I won't be able to hold myself up. I don't know them well enough to be in a potentially sad state. It's not until late tomorrow afternoon so I have time to decide. I also got invited to my boss' place (she's all proud of her straggler Tday- um, no, don't call people stragglers)
I have no idea if there are things open around here to do! Great question, maybe something is open.
I've been reading on depression today and wow did I find some similar stories. i know I looked this up in months past but today it just resonated with me more (out of shock zone, most likely). Point being, not like he's having a rip-roaring blast with his family tomorrow, and not like if he dashed over here right now things could be fixed.
Better to be alone/at friend party than anywhere near H stuff, for sure. It's awkward now on my end because people have kind of stopped asking for updates, basically i can see the 'holy S he disappeared' look on their faces. Eventually that will fade, that will take time. Maybe i can get in a little exercise tomorrow in the a.m. improve mood and maybe go to the dinner if i think i can do it.
There are places open today if you don't wish to be at home alone. Also, if you aren't up to being w/friends today, maybe doing something different is up your alley. Soup kitchens are always needing someone to work on this day. Visit a hospital and go to the children's ward to visit. A nursing home is another place to visit as many of those patients do not have family that stop in. This holiday is not meant for you to be alone...it's meant to share of yourself w/those around you. I know that you are hurting, but you need to step outside your comfort zone and do something different this year. It's going to be difficult, but you can do it. Take a deep breath and make a new tradition just for you!
Altair, you can do this!
Altair - there could be things I could write. Deep, thoughtful, analytical things that go on and on for pages.
Here's a hug instead.
((((((Altair))))))
Thanks all!
Well, I made it through yesterday in one piece. Next year if I'm in the same situation I'll plan this a lot more, and do a turkey trot or something. This year I've just been a mess and not able accept invites or to plan a getaway trip. Christmas on a beach with a margarita is totally fine with me, but not this year. Which is okay-- I have a ton of stuff to get done around here. I also have accepted a few Christmas party invites (safer than a TDay sit-down). I have pulled out a few party dresses that fit again (lol), growing my hair out, ready for the future.
Sounds great Altair!
I've heard that when you lose a loved one that you need to go through all of the events of a year, birthdays, Christmas etc as part of the grieving process which really is what we are doing.
I know that for me that every now and then I'll catch a look at the new chassis that Andrew4.0 is being built on and think "D@mn! That looks good!" (Christmas cats bow tie and grey cardigan today - woo hoo?) I'm glad that you are feeling good about yourself too.
Hi Andrew,
I can see that, a year of events before really digging in and making new rituals or at least trying out new rituals. Was thinking of you! I'm looking at a conference in the summer in Toronto-- dust off my passport and head north to Canada-land. It's weird how my 2017 calendar is filling up with work-stuff. Which is good, some traveling and getting out there will certainly be better than... computing in bed next to bowl of jelly beans. I poked around online to see if there were any good black friday deals-- haven't seen any, haven't bought a thing. Thinking about a small x-mas tree for the table! Should i? Is that sad-cat-lady-without-a-cat territory? Sure is! Alright, off to write work report because Wed. was a complete bust I think I stared at the ceiling all day at work.
Well done on making it through Altair. Next year will definitely be better wherever you are. Good to hear you have lots of Xmas invites. I've got a couple if things to go to but hoping for a quiet one.
Did you head from any of H's family?
Hi Coly,
I did not hear from anyone. That made me feel really sad, but since H told me not to contact his family or him, I'm not going to reach out on my end.
Mmm, I know they are his family but you are still married so they are your family too. It's very disappointing that grown men and women can behave in this way. H's friends all told me they would not take sides but now none of them contact me anymore. If that isn't taking sides I don't know what is!!
"H's friends all told me they would not take sides but now none of them contact me anymore. If that isn't taking sides I don't know what is!!" <----- Coly, yep! I believe the ww, was, MLCer usually speak so negatively of us LBS's that these "friends" have no choice but to side with our poor victim Spouses. These friends must keep their distance from us, or else they, too will feel our wrath. It's crazy making.
Yeah it svcks. I don't know exactly what happened or what was said. I know that before S, we got along well and I worked hard to be a good family member to all of them.
I'm going to assume H wants "full NC" to "think". I'm assuming they are going along with his wishes and they do ask about me and still care and are not mad and have not heard any crazy stories about me. (I could be way off the mark but living in my bubble gets me through this)
That's one power of NC-- no drama, no information. So, if this does come to D, after its all said and done I'll write them nice notes. I think if i did such a thing now I would get H fury. If we do try to reconcile, that's a conversation for another day. It hurts like heck-- they know I don't have a family for Tday-- but maybe H's behavior trumps that?
Trying to be peaceful and calm....
Hi Andrew,
I can see that, a year of events before really digging in and making new rituals or at least trying out new rituals. Was thinking of you! I'm looking at a conference in the summer in Toronto-- dust off my passport and head north to Canada-land. It's weird how my 2017 calendar is filling up with work-stuff. Which is good, some traveling and getting out there will certainly be better than... computing in bed next to bowl of jelly beans. I poked around online to see if there were any good black friday deals-- haven't seen any, haven't bought a thing. Thinking about a small x-mas tree for the table! Should i? Is that sad-cat-lady-without-a-cat territory? Sure is! Alright, off to write work report because Wed. was a complete bust I think I stared at the ceiling all day at work.
I would totally go for the table-top Christmas tree!
We had one for a couple of years, when our twins were toddlers, and it was so freeing to have a tree I could carry with one hand. I miss it sometimes. It's festive and low-stress. Not sad at all.
Journaling.
I'm rounding some kind of corner in my head. It's been over a month now of NC, and before that communication trickled to nothing. We haven't lived together in over a year. Now I'm feeling like, wow, this is it, he is gone, could I even rebuild with someone who would act this way? If it is truly severe depression, then how can this M even work? I don't see it now. Someone a few months ago told me "he's doing you a favor".
I am starting to see now all that about the LBS actually being the one who gets to decide what happens. I'm starting to think about finances and job plans and making sure I'm taking care of myself. The last convo
I'll stand for awhile, but I won't drag this out for years of my life. The last convo we had, he said, "Go date someone!" It was out of context, cruel even, as I told him in the past no, I'm married.
I hope this doesn't sound all dispair-ey (or cold, for that matter). I've went through h@ll the past year, sheer absolute eye-ball popping h@ll the last six months, and now, well, rethinking how I am dealing with this, what I am doing with my life. However I proceed, it will be thoughtful, peaceful, not angry (due to DB and other book readings).
There's been so much said to me by H that has ripped me to my core, no, I don't believe half of it or even any of it, a lot of it bordered on what- insanity?
I'm not that person he said i was. I tearfully pursued for a long time, trying to right wrongs. Now, I'm back in the real world, at my desk, (under the guise of working) where I've been for the past 7 years. I feel like I did when I first met H, I was kind of ok, kind of lonely, just working. Does any of this make sense? Like, if I never hear from him again I'd just accept it. He told me not to contact him, so I won't. Maybe this is his way of ending things, and I'm seeing now I don't need that closure I so craved. There is no closure.
Altair - Good to hear from you again. You sound like you are getting to a healthy place after a long and difficult journey.
I think I've experienced this same sort of "rounding the corner" too, a couple of times as I've gone down. To me it's almost like what's called a "jump condition" where after struggling for so long things just suddenly gel and you have a new perspective and new strength. Your post doesn't sound like despair at all to me it sounds like the writing of someone who is getting comfortable in their own boots.
I think that sometimes we get too wrapped up in the "standing" vs "not standing" mind-set. I know that I do. You are right though that we are indeed the Captains of our own ships and we do get to decide what happens. Our choices are limited because we sail our ships in Realsville and not Fairy Princess Land but that's just the way life is.
Just remember that to me and I'm sure to others here and in Realsville that you are well regarded as a kind, thoughtful and caring person who I feel blessed to have known. I look forward to our next encounter on our threads as we weave our new lives.
Hi A.P., thanks for stopping by and offering kind words. Sure, I toggle all the time about what to do or not to do next. (and do nothing, a good choice for now)
It just didn't have to be this way. I mean, I'm feeling that this NC is becoming extreme, or maybe it is his way of bailing, who knows. I'm starting to dread people asking about it, but doing the best I can with that. I had a friend visit that knew H and I as a couple-- she was pretty surprised with what has happened. It was nice to hear her 'history correction', done in a kind and thoughtful manner, not bashing H at all but making me feel better and more sane. It helped also to fend off the self-blame self-hatred spiral I could easily go into. She invited me to spend Christmas with her, which was great. Maybe I will go.
I totally agree about Realsville. In Realsville there are bills to pay, marriages might get so-called stale or routine, but then you push up your sleeves and do the work. In Realsville there's not this external happiness to 'escape' to.
Hey Altair, you do sound like you are getting to a place of acceptance and although I know how painful it is the NC must be helping with that. Your H might be asking for NC as a way to gently let go but that's mind reading as we know.
Apart from work what else have you been up to?
sending you hugs (((Altair)))
When people ask you about your h and/or the situation, just tell them it's a work in progress. You don't owe anyone an explanation as to what is going on in your marriage.
New Thread:
That's me in the spotlight