Onwards - DivorceBusting.com

Thanks job, if you could link or remind me how to do it.

Previous Thread:

Where am I now

Hi Mia, I hope you are well,

I was just catching up with your previous thread, and wanted to let you know that I'm sorry about how things are progressing with your D. Also I wanted to say that I'm really pleased your teaching is going well. I also teach but I work with excluded teenagers, which is very challenging but rewarding.

I understand how hard it is for you and the children to deal with your H's latest move, but I suppose there is not much you can do about it. I wouldn't like my kids being late for school so I think your H should accept the reasons behind your refusal. Maybe explain that if hints change in the future you are one to the kids spending more nights at his or work something else out?

Thanks esame. I honestly am not trying to be difficult towards h but on the same vain I can't just give in to his every demand regarding access. No one is stopping him seeing the kids apart from himself, but the last year or so he has made decisions on his own ( or with ow) without any discussion with me on how they would affect the kids and he's done it again. I am putting the kids first through this sorry mess. If I wasn't I could've cooked up a merry h@ll about them staying with him in a house with her!!

With regards to D I no idea what is going in his head with that. All I know is I will be requesting the financial form for myself and him to complete. The kids and I are entitled to far more financial assistance than he is providing.

I do love my job. It has kept me sane in all this madness and I'm good at it. Wayward husbands I can't deal with but teenagers I do o.k.

Well a positive had my eyebrows threaded and my hairdresser has come back from maternity leave and sorted out the eestruction caused by the temp hairdresser so I feel I look good today...which makes me feel good

You are a better woman than I am Mia, I cannot handle the pain of threading! I would rather go through childbirth for the fourth time rather than getting my eyebrows threaded ever again!

I'm glad you feel good. I had my hair cut shorter a few weeks ago and I feel great about it. And I started wearing make up again which also helps my confidence.

It was short lived lol. Kids went to h yesterday and told me our niece was staying with them ..it really upset me how members of his family can just watch as he replaces me. I rang h up and he was horrible, I got angry he hung up on me...he really couldn't give a toss...

Mia,

I see so much of me in your posts. I remember how angry I was that anyone was ok with my ex and OW. I felt like I was being betrayed and they were "OKing" the affair. I was close with my SIL and it hurt when she was accepting.

But really, this is family. They are going to love and support their family members no matter what. They are not going to reject the people they love because of his poor choices, especially when it doesn't directly affect them. I learned this the hard way when I realized how exhausting it was to be mad at everyone who would spend time with them. And I realized how unrealistic it was to expect them not to.

It's his family and you cannot take it personally because you feel like they aren't rejecting him or OW. That actually has nothing to do with you. It's unfair to them to expect them to write off their family.

I hope one day you come to some peace soon. because if it's going to ruin your day and upset you and anger you when their family accepts them, then you are going to be upset more often than not. You owe it to yourself not to let it affect your life so much.

Mia, Ginger1 words are really wise. No matter what your H's family will stood by him, having said that it doesn't mean that they agree with what your H did. My SIL are tolerating my FIL's girlfriend and my other SIL' OM ( who is her H now), but bring their back wow, backstabbing is like a firework!

I know it is hard but you have to stand back and tell yourself that there is nothing you can do. Let it go and enjoy your kids.

I'm rooting for you xx

Hi ginger, I completely see what you are saying and when I woke in the morning I wished I hadn't rung him...but as you say it's hard when something trips in someone's head and they treat you like you are nothing. I know I have no say in what he does...that's obvious by his actions...being married didn't stop him shacking up with someone else...it'll take time and of course you are right. I'm just so hurt by it all and his actions and how this has affected our whole life and the kids and how he gets to 'move on' with some new woman and some new child......I'm sure that cushions the blow of what he's done

Thanks rouky

Hi Mia,

Don't be too harsh on yourself. You cannot rewind the clock, what's happened, happened. You calling might have been a mistake but there is nothing you can do about it now. Just be kind to yourself, and acknowledge the feelings you are having. I'm angry. I am proud of many things in my life at the moment, but at the same time I am very very angry. I have to use all my willpower to remain civil and try to keep drinking the STFU smoothies.. I think we go through this roller coaster of emotions, and there is not much we can do about it.

Ok it's things like this that upset me.

Saw a text yesterday between my oldest son and h. Oldest son asked h why he left. H said ?... son said why did you split up h said you know why things weren't good between me and your mum...then he said...I didn't leave you I'm always there for you.

It winds me up am afraid that he still uses me shouting at him as the excuse but won't admit that he was carrying on.

We were in a marriage and yes I can accept it had got routine but he decided to do the I'm unhappy I don't love you rather than talking to me properly and he did nothing during that 2. And a half months to make things right. It makes me mad that the way I reacted to his behaviour is still his excuse for walking out in his family.

He can justify it all he wants...he did walk out on his kids and he moved in with ow 6 months later. Am I mad?

Mia,

Sure you are angry, but you have no control over how he spins his sob story to his children. You can't change his perception of what happened. What you can do is sit down and discuss the matter with your oldest son and explain in a simple way that he will understand that his father has some issues that he needs to resolve and he can't do that living under the same roof right now. Reassure him that he's not the reason his father left.

If you decide to do this, do it in a very calm manner as your child will pick up on your anger.

Mia-I am just getting familiar with your situation by reading some of your past posts. But there is one saying that keeps running through my mind over and over: "If you aren't part of the solution, you are part of the problem."

I don't see a single word in your posts about what you are doing to make the situation better. Yes, you are admitting you might have made some mistakes in the past, but you seem more content to seek solace in comparing yourselves and deciding because you feel he is more to blame then you are, that you are absolved of having any responsibility to be a better person, rather than actually try and do anything to change the situation yourself.

If you want to save your marriage or at least have a civil relationship with him in the future for the sake of your kids, then you need to take responsibility for yourself and stop the victim mentality. Otherwise, this is going to end badly. You aren't doing a single thing that would even possibly lead to another outcome.

Job, I did have a chat with my son and did pretty much say what you mentioned.

I asked him why he'd asked his dad that now....he didn't really know.....but did say that he wanted his dad to come back. I said that the way his dad is acting is not the way anyone should behave. If someone is unhappy they sort it out not do this. I said to my son that your dad does love you and this is nothing to do with you but at the moment he thinks this is what he wants. I don't know if he will come back and I said to my son I was sorry.

2lady, I don't understand what you mean to say I don't do a single thing.
I am there for our children when they are hurting, I am there to answer any questions or support them on things that matter to them.
I provide a roof over their head by paying the mortgage .
I gone back to work this year with a more positive attitude and am working really hard to get urn around the mess I was last year.
I keep myself busy with either the kids or myself as much as I can .....

The posts on her go back months so yes things do go up and down and this morning I had a down but yesterday was an up.

Originally Posted By: Mia2003

It makes me mad that the way I reacted to his behaviour is still his excuse for walking out in his family.

I could pick a lot more points to comment on but I will just focus on this one. You say you are mad that he used your angry reaction as an excuse to walk out on you. Mad is just another way of saying angry. So you are saying you are angry at him for using your previous anger as a justification to walk out on you. You knew the anger was the reason he left in the first place, you know it was a mistake on your part, but yet you continue to be angry. You are simply reinforcing his reason to leave by giving him more of it. Walking out on your spouse is a lousy thing to do, but you have trapped yourself in a vicious self-reinforcing circle of anger that just grows and grows. Being angry at someone for not putting up with your anger just seems so self-destructive. What's next? Being angry because he ignored the fact that you were angry about him not accepting your anger? You see where I am going with this? Only you can put a stop to this.

Quote:

I don't understand how we got here. We were good together, strong. You said we didn't have any common goals anymore. I thought we had an important one, bringing up our children together to be happy secure adults.

When you said you didn't love me anymore I couldn't cope with it. Remember I was having a hard time at work , so you saying that pushed me over the edge and no I didn't handle it very well...I did shout.

If you could've just told me how you were feeling we could have sorted this. You know you could have even told me about the other woman and I would've listened and we could have talked it out.....and we wouldn't be here now...you know in your heart that is true.

But whatever you tell yourself...every time you spoke to her about us, after you decided you were unhappy you hammering more nails into the coffin of our marriage.

This is another example. You said:

Quote:

If you could've just told me how you were feeling we could have sorted this.

But he did tell you how he was feeling:

Quote:

You said we didn't have any common goals anymore.

Quote:

you said you didn't love me anymore

Wasn't that him telling you what he felt? Or are the only legitimate feelings to be expressed the ones you like?

And then you act as if his feelings were his choice:

Quote:

you decided you were unhappy

Do you really believe that he took a conscious decision to be unhappy? Really? Who does that?

You didn't like his feelings, but he DID tell you what they were, and you chose to get angry and try to tell him he was wrong to feel that way.

Solutions are concrete actions. Not getting angry and trying to bully the other person into feeling something opposite of what they feel.

A big part of DB'ing is "do what works" and Mia what you are doing isn't working.

Ok I can hear what you are saying but at the risk of being jumped on again do feel like I'm being attacked.

Apart from the phone call the other week he doesn't really see my anger....I just ignore him when he picks and drops the kids off unless it's anything about the kids.

I don't know whether I want him back really or it's the idea of him or if it's me panicking about money but I do know my older son wants him to come home, so if thee is any chance of that at all, despite him being embroiled with ow give me some idiot guide advice please on what to do as yes I am in a vicious cycle as I'm at a loss and feel out of control

Good morning Mia,

I hope you are well.

I think sometimes people form an image or opinion from the snapshots of your reality that you post here, so in their wish to help they might come across too "strongly". I'm not sure how much anger is acceptable, but it is something I'm struggling with at the moment. I'm trying to separate the two, my anger and DBing, I don't know if it will work but it's the best I can do for now.

I think you are doing an amazing job keeping it all together, you should be really proud of yourself.

Take care xxx

Yes, I know I came across strong but Mia's response to that shows a pattern. She says I am "attacking" her. It also sounds like she felt that way when her husband was honest and shared his feelings with her. As Twinmom said, what she is doing now isn't working. She wants honesty and help, but when she gets either, she considers it an attack on her. She seems to prefer to see herself as a victim, and even admits she is out of control of herself. I wish her the best, but until she feels she has her own power to do something, there's not a lot of hope. And she's already branded this post an attack before I even wrote it or saw her response, so what do I have to lose by writing it? It will be my last post in this thread anyway, as her lack of self-confidence makes me think there is nothing I can contribute here, and this itself should make her think about what she is doing to drive others away from her.

When something stings, it means we should take a look at it.

I cannot begin to express how much I was like you. I felt attacked often on here. Finally, I realized when it stings, I should look at it. I did not really DB until my ex was remarried to his OW. I was here, but I was the worst DBer. I was a victim. I was mad as heck my ex could do what he could and get away with it. it was all I could focus on. The unfairness of it all.

I was on the boards at the beginning of my sitch. Mostly b!tching about my ex and how unfair it all was and about how hurt and angry I was. I don't think it was until after he was married to OW I chose to start Dbing. I was done with my ex, but I just wanted to feel better. My ex was happy. And I was miserable. And I began to realize at this point, I was the cause of my own misery. I had to take ownership of my own life and ownership of my feelings.

I'm so glad I did. I could have said that I didn't show my ex my anger or my D. Guess what, it permeates. My D who was like 3, felt it. Even if I thought I was putting on a mask. My ex knew I was bitter and angry. It just wafted off of me.

Mia,

Take the focus off his life. Don't bother yourself for one more minute on what he is doing, if he is happy, how he is feeling. Take that energy and turn it around to YOU. What goals do you have for yourself? What are you doing for self care? Where do YOU want to be? because where you want to be has nothing to do with anyone else and how they are living their lives. You actually do have that power.

You do have the power to change your perspective, rid yourself of your anger and live a good life. That power was never in anyone elses hands but your own. Take it back. You want him to have the power over you? Hellz no!

2lady thank you for your responses however you do not know me. I never mentioned you particularly as 'attacking' however I find some comments quite scathing but each to their own. Comments like 'driving people away from her' aren't really constructive, but again you have your opinion.

I post in here to vent when I can't in other areas. I thought that was what this was here for ..to vent on your own thread.

Yes my confidence has been thrown....however I spend most of my everyday life being confident..if I demonstrate on this forumthings that make me feel anxious or feelings I keep hidden to others I think that is fair.

I am not a victim, I am just another woman who has been shattered by her husbands deceit towards me and our children.

Thank you

Mia,
Your h knows you so well and he can sense/tell when you are angry just by your body language and the way you behave. You do not have to say one word in anger, but the look on your face and in your eyes says it all. The eyes are the doorway to the soul. Your children can sense it too.

You stated that you felt that you were being attacked. I don't see that in any of the postings. What I do see is that people do care about you and are trying to help you see that your anger is being fueled by when you have a bad day or you aren't feeling well, etc. No matter what your h does or doesn't do, you are angry and frustrated w/him. Your h isn't to blame for your bad day or when you aren't feeling well. He doesn't have that kind of control over you, but you do have control over how you deal w/the trials and tribulations in your life. Find ways to turn that anger and frustration into something productive. Yes, this is a very safe place to vent, but when we see posters getting stuck on the hamster wheel, we get concerned and tend to get a bit stronger in pointing out that a poster needs to pay particular attention to what they are posting and how they are dealing w/their situation. Very few of your postings are happy ones...many of them are expressions of anger and frustration. This concerns me...I don't want to see you get stuck and become a bitter woman in the process.

Unfortunately, we do not see you on a day to day basis and the only thing we have to go on is your postings. If you are angry and frustrated here, then some of that anger and frustration is being displayed in real life. Please do not allow that anger and frustration to ruin your life. You have beautiful children who need both parents in their lives and hopefully can come to some resolution and co-parent in a good way. What your h has done isn't fair to you and your children, but the ones that lose out in all of this are the children, especially when the parents can't find a way to work things out. The children need to know that they have a safe place to land, not only in your home, but his as well.

You state that you are not a victim, but your postings are painting a different picture. Please, please take some time and go back and re-read all of your postings and see just how many times we all have advised you to do something different and to find ways of alleviating your anger and frustration. You are stuck and until you release some of that anger and frustration, you are going to continue to spin on the hamster wheel.

I want you to know that I am not attacking you...I'm pointing out what I see in your postings and I am concerned because that anger and frustration can create a lot of stress and health problems for you.

I do appreciate your post job...and yes I do feel like I'm stuck and I do want to stop it honestly. I feel I do make steps forward then something happens and I allow myself to come crashing back down then I vent on here.

Thank you also esame and ginger for your responses.

I do take steps I promise but even h used to say I wa like a terrier and couldn't let things go lol.....I guess I am proving him right with that aspect of my personality..... I've picked myself up from many bad things and even I don't understand what it is in me that can't let this go.

However on a positive, am throwing myself into work...hope I'm doing ok because I'm working enough. Am trying very hard not to bring work home so it doesn't impact on the kids ( although half the time they are on their tablets

) and I had a lovely afternoon with my youngest on Saturday watching paddington

Don't just throw yourself into your work, plan some outings w/the children. Take a walk or go on a hike over the weekend, visit a museum or library, take in a movie. You and your children need some activities besides school and work.

When you get up in the morning, take a look around you. Mother Nature is doing a beautiful job of painting the next season w/vibrant colors and change in temperature. After a long day at work and then being w/the children, think about all that you've accomplished and then thank the man upstairs for another good day. Life is far too short to allow negativity to ruin it. You have a lot of positives in your life, i.e., your children, work, family and friends.

Think positive. A positive attitude draws people and good things to you.

I'm hearing you job, I'm not particularly religious but I hope if there is someone up there he'll give me a good nights sleep tonight ( little things)

Mia, I am just starting up on your sitch and I am having the same problem about hanging on to feelings / ideas / situations that I should let go of. Sometimes I can do it, other times the anger / sadness hits me hard.

Originally Posted By: Mia2003

yes I do feel like I'm stuck and I do want to stop it honestly. I feel I do make steps forward then something happens and I allow myself to come crashing back down then I vent on here.

Originally Posted By: Mia2003

I do take steps I promise but even h used to say I wa like a terrier and couldn't let things go lol.....I guess I am proving him right with that aspect of my personality..... I've picked myself up from many bad things and even I don't understand what it is in me that can't let this go.

You're speaking for both of us here!

I am trying to figure this out for myself. Maybe it seems naive to say so, but to have your spouse bring this bomb out of nowhere into the middle of your M is so unfair. We're told repeatedly, it's not about you, it's about them. It's their problem, they are tangled up in themselves in a holy mess. Yet, I still feel like - she did this to me, she knew what she was doing was wrong and went about it anyway.

Getting hit by a car or getting a major illness is also unfair, but it might feel or seem more random because it happens all the time. When this type of adversity is coming from our spouse that we've spent so many years with, it feels so specific...at least for me. My W has been in MLC for only 9 months, and I'm still having trouble turning her off.

Do you still look at your H like the same person? Despite all the wacky stuff, are you still hard wired to take him at face value more often than not? Are you extra careful to see what signs you get from him? It's hard to shake, isn't it? It's one thing DB vets keep saying to stop doing. I'm still doing this sometimes.

Hi Brubeck

TBH I don't know if it's midlife crisis or h has just turned into an arse lol.
No I don't look at him the same way. I look at him and can not comprehend how awful his behaviour has been and can not comprehend that this is the man I have spent almost half my life with and how he is capable of being so horrid.
Hope ur have a good day.

Hi haven't posted in a while.

Situation the same but I am coping.
we have agreed to communicate via email. I have set up a new email address.
H has accepted he will not have the kids on xmas day.

I don't know whether to laugh or get irritated but seriously some of the things he writes are bizarre. I said our kids don't believe in Father xmas he wrote that ' it's a shame and he doesn't believe in being so factual and he would carry the belief on as it makes life fun and loving'

Bizarre wording ...... I didn't respond...no point . He moane that I'd told our youngest the tooth fairy didn't exist ( I didn't he said he thought it didn't exist) but why write such a long email about absolute rubbish.

Anyway the kids and I put the Christmas tree up , h can go and whistle on xmas day and enjoy his day with his ow ...ridiculous

Mia,

I'm glad you returned and posted an update. I'm also glad that you've set up a separate email address which you and your h can utilize when communicating about the children.

I'm sure the kids will enjoy spending Christmas Day with you. I do hope that your h will do something special for them on the day he has them.

As for the bizarre wording that he writes, it could all be part of his past w/his parents. The holidays do bring out some rather odd behavior for some and some of them do experience their own "Christmas Carol" story of the past and the present. So, I would just let him talk about things and if they sound off, just let them go. The ghost of Christmas Past sounds like he came just a wee bit early for him.

Keep the focus on you and your children. I'm sure you and the kids have been decorating and have fun doing so.

Thanks job, have just been out with my youngest to buy xmas candles.

Another bizarre thing is my son got a notification on his phone from amazon. He asked me had I been buying stuff , I had a look and it was his dads account notifying my h that the presents he'd Bought for the kids had been delivered. Bizarre that it came up on my sons phone?!

With regards to his comments about father xmas I didn't respond just thought it was weird. All this is all weird lol.
I ummed and ahhhd about whether to invite him xmas morning again but ultimately for my own sanity it was a no....he made his bed and the consequence is this. Silly man

I would venture to say that your h provided Amazon w/your son's phone info. Amazon can make mistakes, but I don't think they did this one. Your h may have wanted your son to get the message from Amazon and show it to you, and in turn, you would contact him about the message. Don't contact him. It's a passive aggressive move on his part.

Interesting ...it's just weird as it listed the kids xmas presents that he had bought them. Why on earth would he want to spoil the the surprise. Luckily my son did show me and once I'd looked it disappeared so son will still be pleasantly surprised.

Job in your experience why would he want me to respond? As it is there is no way amazon would have my youngest mobile number ..he is 9 for goodness sake.

Mia,

They do stupid stuff and one of the things is to get you roped back into their rodeo. They are miserable human beings and they do not like it when we move on and also having fun, living our lives, etc. They want to remind us that they are still out there.

He wasn't thinking about whether your child would actually see what he had ordered, but he wanted you to see what he ordered as well as post to him that they were shipped. It's called passive aggressive behavior. Again, he's pulling the rope hoping you'll take the bait and contact him.

When you have a chance, read up on passive aggressive behavior.

It's all part the ride on the rollercoaster.

Mia, if your son has the amazon app on his phone it could be tied to his dad's account. I have the amazon app and so does my 15yr old. Both of us use the same amazon account & we both get the same notifications when buying/making changes to the account.

My son has not the amazon app on his phone , he is 9.

Thanks job, h is definitely a pill know , and yes again he is 5rying to manipulate me. I'm done. What an idiot.

Good to hear from you Mia as I was wondering how you were getting on. I had more or less the same experience with H telling that he couldn't then could find the kids presents. I think they are in their own world. I have ignored the last few messages from H regarding pressies. I only replied to one when he knows far too well that I'll be dead against it. I just thanked him to check with me and added that as it was his own presents I felt it was none of my business.

It is hard for us as it's Christmas but I feel we have done the hardest. Keep up the good work Mia. There will be a reward one day.

Thanks all for our support.
Well xmas presents for the kids are done phew...my bottom oven blew so need o buy another after xmas ...typical...luckily still have the small one to cook xmas dinner on but another expenditure after xmas.

I am guessing a divorce will be on the card xmas 2017 because TBH the man I'm married to has gone. His behaviour the last 18 months or so has been bizarre to say the least....so inconsiderate and selfish towards me and the kids. I don't know what is wrong with him.....but I can not imagine his choices will make him happy in the long run. How can it he's done the most inexplicable thing to his family and he still can not admit it..he has been a complete idiot. He had the Gaul to say to me ' I didn't leave you for xxxxx' .... the fact that he still says that demonstrates to me what a cowardly pillock he has become. I shouted at him is still his reasoning....silly man.

Well am doing the traumatic task of getting kids ready for school...particularly hard getting my oldest out of bed

Hi Mia ... I'm sorry about your oven. Glad you still have one working tho ... my boy was quite a crank this morning. Monday mornings are so icky, aren't they? We had snow on the ground and rain pouring down for our commute this morning. At least our pup, an English Springer whose dad came from Yorkshire, had a great morning. Imagine a silly dog cavorting around making snow angels and you'll get the picture.

I wish you peace my dear, in the midst of it all ... I know the pain of wondering where the man you married has gone. It's heartbreaking. Widows get funerals and the knowledge that their spouse didn't voluntarily leave. We LBS are in another situation entirely. It's awful. I actually held a memorial service for the man I married. Sounds goofy, right? In truth, it gave me so much peace to do so. Looking back over the past 20 months since BD, there are a few "aha" moments which stand out as turning points. That day was a big one for me. I share it in case it helps you.

God bless and many {{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}} xoxoxoxoxo

Dear Mia,

all I hear is "Him, Him, Him, HIm"

What HE is doing, how HE is acting.

You have got to shift the focus. Way off of him and his actions.

Who knows what happened with Amazon?

So what if he is sad that S9 doesn't believe a little longer and wishes he does? I think this is my D9's last year. She kind of knows, but still wants to believe. I know I'll be sad when she doesn't anymore.

He's going to believe what he wants to believe about him leaving, and about what he's doing. And youa re going to drain the life out of you at the same time you fill yourself up with anger trying to get him see things the way you do.

I know it's only going to happen when you are ready. It really takes some difficult conscious effort but I will tell you, it is so freeing when you let it go piece by piece.

Honestly I am trying ginger. I know I let get h to me too much.

I think often it happens when it involves the kids and I feel alone ne.
There was an awful incident last week with my eldest son at school ( I work at his school) . I was told by some kids that my son had been beaten up, I rang the office to make sure he was ok, then I found someone had recorded it on their phone and had uploaded to a social media site...... watching it was horrible. Luckily my son was fine and although I do not condone fighting when son had told that he ended up punching him as this lad had thrown him to the floor and was on him hitting him I was glad he punched him.....watching what this kid was doing to my child he deserved it...sorry bad parenting.

Hi Mia,

I'm glad you came back to let us know how you are getting on.

I don't have much to say about your H, the way I see D now is what more can I lose? Like you, I don't recognise my H, and if he wants out there is nothing I can do to stop him. I tried everything to the best of my ability, and I can honestly say that I gave him options, space, time, everything. I could do better at DBing, but I am human and I struggle to understand how his happiness is more important than the children's. It is what it is though, and as they say "you can take the horse to water, but you cannot make it drink". H and I are 99.99% over, and in a way it is a relief.

You have done so well for so long without him, you can be happy again.

Esame thanks,

I have moments when I miss my h, well what he was and like you I will never understand what he has done and how now he could be happy. For me bringing up my children being with them is the most important thing. For e I thought we had the same belief system...yes we fell in love all those years ago..got married decided to have children and that love changes ......and I naively thought we were on the same wavelength ....but apparently not.

For me most of my anger I think is worrying about paying the mortgage etc but I also get angry that I can't talk to him about little things the kids do or say...he did that......he's a dill and I am starting to accept that...slowly

Hi all haven't posted for a while hope you are all good and a happy new year.

Well things are the same...h is still with ow .....but he has decided to grow a beard...he looks so old...and ridiculous. Our son told him it made him look 54.

Christmas the kids and I had was nice. H still emails about kids asking questions and whether he can come to parents evening etc with me. I have decided for my own sanity it's a no. He made his choice and now can't expect me to sit with him and discuss our children at school when he still doesn't admit anything.

I am happy to tell him significant issues but the rest he can go and whistle. It makes me feel more in control.

Sorry, Mia, I am about lay harder into you than anyone before on my forever on these boards. I preface this with telling you what I am about to say is for your benefit. I am sorry in advance, but if you don't straighten this out, you are going to regret it horribly in the future. You may not be able to see it now, but it's true. This coming from a person who went through what you did, maybe in even a worse of a way. Please listen closely.

What you are doing in flat out wrong. Your ex leaving and having an A was flat out wrong too, but two wrongs don't make a right, especially when it comes to our kids.

I've seen posts where youa re contantly are saying different ways this man is trying ot be a part of his kids life and you completely block him out. You let him in a teensy tiny bit as you see fit. because this is all unfair? Because HE deserves it? Because YOU want control?!

Mia, seriously. That is going to damage to the kids. Do you want to mitigate the damage leaving did to the kids, or do you want to equally do damage? what is more important to you?

One day your kids will go to your ex and ask why he wasn't more involved. The answer won't be because he left the family. It will be because mom didn't let him. DO you want that?

Here is the harsh truth: He left you, not the kids. It s*cks, it is awful, it hurts like hell, but it's the truth. Here is a father who wants to be as active in his kids life as he can be, and you keep blocking him. Your kids will end up resenting you, not him. Is that what you want?

Take your pride, tuck it away, and let him be involved. You trying to control the aspects he is involved in with his own kids only hurts your kids.

Honestly, if I was him, I wouldn't even be asking if he could go to parents evening. I would just go. he has every right to be there. I sat beside my ex wanting to kill him at the few he did go to, but it was about our daughter. Not about me. He eventually dropped off, he doesn't take much interest in her real life, just in taking her along as an accessory when he has family and friends around. But when he shows interest, I encourage it. because it means a lot to my daughter. And because I never want her coming back to me saying "you didn't let dad be a part of my life"

You don't get to pick and chose, Mia because you feel entitled because he broke up the marriage.

I'm sorry, this had to be said. I hope you hear me, I hope you heed my advice, because I think you might sliently thank me one day. Curse me now, go ahead. But maybe give it some thought.

Does he get the opportunity to go to his own parents evening?

Originally Posted By: Mia2003

Hi all haven't posted for a while hope you are all good and a happy new year.

Well things are the same...h is still with ow .....but he has decided to grow a beard...he looks so old...and ridiculous. Our son told him it made him look 54.

Christmas the kids and I had was nice. H still emails about kids asking questions and whether he can come to parents evening etc with me. I have decided for my own sanity it's a no. He made his choice and now can't expect me to sit with him and discuss our children at school when he still doesn't admit anything.

I am happy to tell him significant issues but the rest he can go and whistle. It makes me feel more in control.

I have the same question as twinmom.

Surely you aren't discouraging him from being involved in his kids' lives.

Yep! I agree.... sorry Mia but it's no wonder your sitch hasn't made any progress, you haven't followed DB rules/principles. Why would he want to come back to a marriage to someone that controls & uses the kids?

Originally Posted By: Ginger1

Sorry, Mia, I am about lay harder into you than anyone before on my forever on these boards. I preface this with telling you what I am about to say is for your benefit. I am sorry in advance, but if you don't straighten this out, you are going to regret it horribly in the future. You may not be able to see it now, but it's true. This coming from a person who went through what you did, maybe in even a worse of a way. Please listen closely.

What you are doing in flat out wrong. Your ex leaving and having an A was flat out wrong too, but two wrongs don't make a right, especially when it comes to our kids.

I've seen posts where youa re contantly are saying different ways this man is trying ot be a part of his kids life and you completely block him out. You let him in a teensy tiny bit as you see fit. because this is all unfair? Because HE deserves it? Because YOU want control?!

Mia, seriously. That is going to damage to the kids. Do you want to mitigate the damage leaving did to the kids, or do you want to equally do damage? what is more important to you?

One day your kids will go to your ex and ask why he wasn't more involved. The answer won't be because he left the family. It will be because mom didn't let him. DO you want that?

Here is the harsh truth: He left you, not the kids. It s*cks, it is awful, it hurts like hell, but it's the truth. Here is a father who wants to be as active in his kids life as he can be, and you keep blocking him. Your kids will end up resenting you, not him. Is that what you want?

Take your pride, tuck it away, and let him be involved. You trying to control the aspects he is involved in with his own kids only hurts your kids.

Honestly, if I was him, I wouldn't even be asking if he could go to parents evening. I would just go. he has every right to be there. I sat beside my ex wanting to kill him at the few he did go to, but it was about our daughter. Not about me. He eventually dropped off, he doesn't take much interest in her real life, just in taking her along as an accessory when he has family and friends around. But when he shows interest, I encourage it. because it means a lot to my daughter. And because I never want her coming back to me saying "you didn't let dad be a part of my life"

You don't get to pick and chose, Mia because you feel entitled because he broke up the marriage.

I'm sorry, this had to be said. I hope you hear me, I hope you heed my advice, because I think you might sliently thank me one day. Curse me now, go ahead. But maybe give it some thought.

Mia,

I'm sorry, but I totally disagree w/the way you are handling YOUR situation. He left you and the marriage, but from everything that you've posted, he is still trying to be there for his children. You are punishing him for his affair and I do agree that what he's doing is very wrong in the eyes of God, as well as to your marriage vows when he's still involved w/the ow...but, and this is a very large but, he is still trying to be there for his kids.

He has every right as a father to attend his children's parent teacher conferences and counseling sessions at the school. He is the children's FATHER! If I were in his shoes, I would show up and to heck w/your feelings. He wants to know what is going on w/his children and I have to hand it to him that he's asking you about attending that conference. Most people wouldn't, they would just show up.

You are punishing him for leaving YOU. By trying to control when and where he can go to find out info about his children or even to see his children will not set well if and when you go to court. If you continue down this path, he may even take you to court because of it.

My advice, put your anger to good use elsewhere and stop trying to control all aspects of your children's lives. Foster a better relationship between them and their father because later on down the road, your children will find out what has transpired w/your control issues and just very well may resent you for what you've done, not only to them, but to their father. They may even see you as being controlling, manipulative, spiteful, vindictive and yes, the one word that I dread hearing...bitter. Please stop using your children as pawns in this game of "punishing your h" for what he's done/and is continuing to do. It's not going to bode well for you, especially when the children are older.

If you aren't going to try to DB and work on yourself, i.e., work on those things that you know need work, then why are you here? We ALL see what you are doing and we ALL can't be wrong in our advice to you. I'm going to suggest that if you aren't in therapy, maybe it's time to consider it or go see a priest, minister, rabbi or join a group that is called parents w/o partners or a divorce group. You need to have someone to talk to help you work through that anger and start moving forward. I, like the others, haven't seen any progress being made by YOU. Until you change the way you are dealing w/your situation, nothing will change.

I'm sorry if I sound harsh, but it's time Mia, to get some professional help.

Not guys you have completely misunderstood me here.

I do not and never have block him from seeing the kids. He had them whenever he asked over the xmas hols.

I had booked the appointment he wanted to come along but make it later. That is not convenient for me with childcare so I said make his own and TBH I'd rather you didn't come with me ( maybe you do not like the last bit but it was how I was feeling at the time) but!!!!! I did not say do not come to parents evening I pointed out that it wasn't up to me to book appointments for him now as he could book his own.....which he can. Which is what he will do. He has access to all school reports etc and all info at school...I haven't stopped anything.....he talks to the kids regularly...sees them.....I just don't want him to expect me to organise things to his convenience ...which I did before...he needs to sort that stuff out himself.

But again.....I have not said to him ever that he can't be involved with the kids...he is....I just reiterated it was not my role now to sort appointments out. Hope that is clearer

Hi Mia, thanks for clarifying. I agree that the thing to do here is dig deep and work on being the best Mum (and coparent) that you can, given all circumstances. You didn't choose where you are - but you do get to choose how you handle yourself going forwards - and how you interact with your spouse.

Ultimately, it is good to work through the pain and get to a place where you can coparent reasonably constructively. Whilst you haven't blocked him from coming, your tone with him does sound peevish, angry and unhelpful. As others have said - I would venture to guess that this comes from unresolved anger about the situation.

And here's the rub - your anger is yours to own - and process (ideally in a healthy way) and move beyond. I agree with others that I haven't seen much forward movement by you in your situation - and I do see some 'stuckness.' We can go through this or we can grow through it. That choice is ours and has nothing to do with how our spouses have behaved, who they are with and what they are doing or saying..it is on us alone.

I agree with Job and hope you will get any support you may need to get to a healthy place where you can let go him and his situation and live your own life peacefully and happily.

You see, you think we are misunderstanding you, but your current state of mind is evident from what you post and the things that you say.

There is a happy life beyond this current situation and I hope you'll go in search of that Mia.

Xx

Mia - okay, so you could not at this time handle going to the conference with him. Perhaps, a good goal for you is to attend the next conference with him.

While I know you are angry, it is a small sacrifice to make on behalf of your children. How long is the conference, after all? It cannot prossibly be longer than an hour. Ultimately, as adults you need to present a united front at all times.

Honestly, if everyone who is separated or divorced had separate conferences, teachers would do double the work for every student. That's discourteous to the teacher and only makes you both look childish.

The larger point is you've been here one year now. As far as I can tell you are just as angry now as you were then. I am sorry to say that I believe your kids must feel it, too. It's not good for you or your kids.

And one year later, what good has come of this anger?

Mia,

I agree w/Sotto in the fact that your anger is yours to own and how you deal w/it is something that you need to work on in a healthy manner. That is why I am suggesting that you need to be in a support group in real life to work on this anger, resentment and bitterness.

You and your h will need to learn how to communicate better and how to co-parent in a much better manner than you are now. If you don't want to schedule appointments for him, then make sure he has the numbers of the contacts. Also, it helps w/many who have to deal w/wayward spouses to have a calendar of all events that are taking place for the children. Yes, I hear you...you don't think you need to do this for him...however, it would be a good move on your part to make a calendar up of events, activities, etc. that shows what the children are involved in, it can be hard copy or electronic. This will help alleviate him asking you about such appointments, etc. Mia, in order to change your situation and take some of the aggravation out of your life, you will need to change how you are dealing w/it.

I do think, from your postings, that no matter what he does or doesn't do, will not make you happy. You tend to complain about everything he says or does and this comes across as being angry, resentful and bitter. Why would your h even consider returning home if you are displaying these emotions to him a majority of the time. You are actually helping the ow to look wonderful in his eyes because she's not acting like that. Do you or do you not want to try to save your marriage? If so, then this is an area that needs to be addressed w/a support group or therapist.

Just my two cents...sometimes we have to bite the bullet and go the extra mile to get our point across about things and one way to cut down on scheduling issues is a calendar w/dates, times and contact info for both parties.