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Sotto's tootling along

Posted By: Sotto

Sotto's tootling along - 09/28/16 01:26 PM

Well folks, thought I would pop back here with another thread to share with my MLC chums. I've been doing well - settling into my new place and enjoying some decor projects. Work has been busy and my boss has asked me to apply for a promotion about to come up. I increased my hours recently too.

Still volunteering at the bookstore, yoga, salsa, ladies social group. About to add in a little dog walking and am planning a trip away with a girlfriend in 2017. Impulsively, I booked to go on a salsa dancing weekend with a couple of people from my class over New Year. Should be fun, and I'm working to push a little further on the dance front. Funny, when I told people I booked this break (which I thought was a bit ambitious for me) no-one was really surprised....I think people expect me to do this kind of stuff now!

I'm still in touch with NG and we have some nice little chats and exchanges. He says he is pleased to hear from me, seems glad to see me and doesn't really take things any further. That's fine - I enjoy the friendship, can see it could develop into more - but actually it's good for me to sit back and enjoy what it is now. When I feel that way, I do see how I have developed as a person and I'm far more able to let things unfold, step back.

I have no contact from XH and I don't know what is happening with him. I do think about him now and again - though not that much. For us there were no kids together and there is geographic distance, plus OW in the mix. Not really good circumstances for keeping in touch. That said, I don't like to have such a rift in my life - ie: someone that has been so close and with whom there is no contact now - but I guess it is what it is - at least for now.

For me, I generally feel at peace with things. And that comes from doing your part I think. Ultimately our spouse may or may not choose to be with us, and my own actions and how much I have dug in and tried have become the most important things to me.

The next divorce group starts soon and I'll be a trainee facilitator for this workshop - should be interesting. I imagine it may not be easy revisiting what I have survived through working with others, but I'm looking forward to being a part of the workshops which are organised by a great group of people. I feel the same way about them as I do the folk on this forum. They go through something tough and they engage, learn and give to others.

Saw SS at the start of this month and had a great visit. Dropped him a 'Hi - how's college going' text a couple of weeks ago and he hasn't responded. I just sent another today to say Hi, but not yet heard back from him. I'm hoping all is okay with him, but I don't really want to chase. He may just be 16 and busy with college stuff..

Anyway, that's all from Sottoland for now....will keep dropping in from time to time. But newcomers know this. I am here 2.5 years on, recently D'd, surviving, living peacefully and finding joy in life. The early days are tough, but if we keep moving forwards, things do get better I promise.

Xx
Posted By: peacetoday

Re: Sotto's tootling along - 09/28/16 01:56 PM

You sound great and I love all the activities you have found

Your life sounds full and fun!
Posted By: Esame

Re: Sotto's tootling along - 09/28/16 02:10 PM

Sottoland sounds like a great place sweetie, well done! All you hard work is paying off. And those people at the divorce group will be lucky to have you supporting them...

Keep popping by, it's lovely hearing from you smile
Posted By: Pax_luv

Re: Sotto's tootling along - 09/28/16 02:18 PM

It's good to see you back in the neighborhood, Sotto!
I think it's very brave of you to give back to your divorce care group and become a trainee facilitator. I'm sure it's going to be tough to revisit some things, but it can only help your overall healing, I'm sure.

Other than that, You sound wonderful. I agree with Esame, Sottoland sounds fab! Keep up the updates.... Is always good to hear from you!
Posted By: CaliGuy

Re: Sotto's tootling along - 09/28/16 02:25 PM

Sotto your strength and grace will always serve you well in whatever you put your mind to do
Posted By: job

Re: Sotto's tootling along - 09/28/16 04:43 PM

Sotto,

Welcome back! You sound great. I'm glad you came back over to visit and update us. Life sounds like it is settling down for you. How's the family?
Posted By: bttrfly

Re: Sotto's tootling along - 09/28/16 07:09 PM

missed ya, mwah :* xoxoxoxo
Posted By: Rouky

Re: Sotto's tootling along - 09/29/16 04:02 PM

Very uplifting post Sotto, and I'm so pleased to see how strong you are. A true inspiration.
Take care
Posted By: HaWho

Re: Sotto's tootling along - 09/29/16 09:05 PM

Sotto - so nice to hear from you! Special thanks for all the kind advice you've given me.

Happy to hear you are doing well! Kudos to you on doing the hard work to get to where you are.
Posted By: Sotto

Re: Sotto's tootling along - 09/30/16 10:59 AM

Ah, what a lovely welcome and thank you all so much! I will update from time to time, but I also want to start reflecting on 'what helps' from 2.5 years on and hope this may be of interest to newbies. My first theme is GAL.

There is a reason we push GAL and that is - it really does help! As you'll see if you read back, I have GALed a great deal over the past couple of years or so. Looking back, I realise I had become rather insular, less confident and overly reliant on the M. I'm sure many of us are/were the same and it is important that we GAL for a number of reasons.

In the dreadful early days, GAL can bring some welcome reprieve to the awfulness of how we feel. If we meet up with a friend or take the kids out for lunch, we focus on something else for a period of time - and that provides blessed and much needed relief.

Secondly, if we don't 'get a life' for ourselves and our life remains much the same (minus spouse of course) there is a gaping hole and we remain attached to our spouse and hope they will return to fill the void in our lives. They remain central to it. I think if we do new things, meet new people, extend ourselves a little, learn new skills, we really start to find satisfaction in these areas of our lives...and the hole begins to shrink. They move from the centre to the sidelines in effect, and this really helps with detachment. We don't 'detach from them' as much as 'attach to our own lives.'

Over time, we become more rounded within ourselves, have better social networks and our time is filled - we become more 'sustainable' without our spouse. Then it becomes more of a choice than a need to get back together with them if that opportunity arises.

Sometimes on the forum, I read threads where posters struggle to GAL. Some of us are extrovert, others less so and we are all equally valid. However (and I don't feel I'm an extrovert) I think the 'out of the house and in company' kind of GAL is important to have in the mix. I think it does help to maybe cook yourself a nice meal when you have an evening home alone. And that's better than not doing anything. But better still if you are off to meet your new walking chums, your book group, choir, yoga pals, dancing mates, colleagues or whomever - and forging those new connections.

I also think it helps to learn something new and that you genuinely enjoy. Over a much longer period (and your spouse may or may not return) you come to realise that you have rebuilt your life without them and GAL was a big part of doing that. You have social plans when you want them, you feel fulfilled, and there are new activities and people in your life that you truly enjoy.

This is truly a time to focus on you and what you want going forwards. It doesn't really matter whether your spouse knows you GAL, or is affected by that at all. What matters is that you are working to rebuild your own life after it has been shattered. I came to realise that GAL was a win/win option. Either your spouse decides to return to a more interesting, independent and outward looking person - or s/he doesn't - and that's okay, because life is full and happy anyway - because we have gently and consistently worked to make it so.

:)x
Posted By: Sotto

Re: Sotto's tootling along - 09/30/16 01:36 PM

I'm just reposting this so I can find it later...really interesting quote below:

Just read something on the web about a fellow who went through depression and describes the experience, especially in regards to how it affects their thoughts of their spouse:

(re-posted for educational purposes)
"The longing to leave one’s intimate partner brings out something that isn’t much discussed in descriptions of depression. It is the active face of the illness. We often focus on the passive symptoms, the inactivity, the isolation, sense of worthlessness, disruption of focused thought, lack of will to do anything. But paradoxically the inner loss and need can drive depressed people to frenzied action to fill the great emptiness in the center of their lives. They may long to replace that inadequate self with an imagined new one that makes up for every loss. "

The reason I post that here is to perhaps point to how depression, as what is believed the underlying condition throughout MLC, may be a factor in the MLCer's drive to fill the void they feel within themselves. Even desperately so, at an aggressive pace. Can anyone say "OP" and "replay"?
Posted By: CaliGuy

Re: Sotto's tootling along - 09/30/16 01:42 PM

Thats a great description of replay
Posted By: job

Re: Sotto's tootling along - 09/30/16 01:55 PM

Sotto,

Great description and yes, it enforces what we talk about around here, i.e., depression and how they need to find things to distract them and make them happy, even if it is for a short period of time and once the novelty of that particular thing wears off, they start looking again for something else to distract them and give them that "feel good" feeling.

Thanks for sharing.
Posted By: Sotto

Re: Sotto's tootling along - 10/05/16 01:42 PM

One of the most impassioned things XH said to me around the time of BD was that he felt a void right at the very centre of his heart. The quote above really resonated with me and it does help me remember to keep working towards compassion.

Been in touch with SS this week. He's had a bit of a rough start to the new term and is struggling with a couple of his new subjects. His Mum said he cried a couple of times in the mornings. I sent him best wishes and asked him to let me know if I can help in any way. He knows I was actually a college drop out before returning to education a couple of years later..so my chequered past may be helpful to him I hope.

Been busy at work. I've increased my hours and am leading on a new project which will run for the next year or so. My boss and I spent a couple of hours in a room today getting started with the planning for that. I also spent the day at NG's office and we had a few little chats, which was nice.

A few social plans this week. Black tie evening on Friday with work and movie with a friend on Saturday, and birthday party on Sunday....should be nice.

Xx
Posted By: Rouky

Re: Sotto's tootling along - 10/05/16 02:46 PM

Good to read that you are doing so well Sotto. What an example and inspiration you are. In your post I can read a great deal of excitement for your new project. I wish you all the best xx
Posted By: bttrfly

Re: Sotto's tootling along - 10/06/16 05:04 AM

best of luck my dear with the new project. you'll do great, as always. thanks for that post. i think the hardest thing about replay is depersonalizing that which feels so very personal. xoxoxo
Posted By: pbetra

Re: Sotto's tootling along - 10/06/16 10:29 AM

Hi Sotto,
Im not as seasoned as the others here. However, I couldn't resist checking this thread with a title like that! smile

Your progress is VERY inspiring & indicative of hope to be had (if we all plug away - or in your case 'tootle along' smile ). GAL really does make a difference - whatever 'version' one is able to utilize. With habit, GAL is a 'core strengthener,' & a trip away from the upheaval created by mlc.

I know I will be back to read this again, as my new homework also includes up & coming 'survivors' laugh of this experience. A necessary read & reminder for us all.

Thanks for tootling by with news of your full, (!!) new life! Best wishes always, p.
Posted By: Huddy

Re: Sotto's tootling along - 10/06/16 11:56 AM

That's a very good piece of descriptive writing about MLC'ers inner workings there. Again, thanks for sharing.

You seem to be quite comfortable with GAL'ing, so why not see if NG would like to go for a beer after work? I know he's out of a R as well, but it could just be a GAL activity for you - nothing more.

Top banana!
Posted By: Sotto

Re: Sotto's tootling along - 10/06/16 01:38 PM

Thanks guys - pbetra, your BD was similar to mine...sounds like you are doing well and kudos to you - thanks for dropping by.

Huddy, thanks for posting. You may not have seen on a previous thread, but NG suggested it might be nice to meet for a drink. I said yes and we arranged it. He texted on the morning to ask if I would mind if we postponed as he was having a rough time. I said no problem & hope things improve. He hasn't suggested re-arranging so far.

I did text him a couple of weeks later, saying let me know if you want us to re-arrange and he hasn't come back to me. When I see him, he's attentive and seems interested in me. I think he just got cold feet, or is still working through some stuff, or whatever. I haven't raised it and dropped back into friendly colleague mode again...more healing time is good anyway I think.

Take care :)x
Posted By: Huddy

Re: Sotto's tootling along - 10/06/16 10:07 PM

Yes, I missed post about NG. That's a positive though. Maybe he's just shy, or maybe, having fell off the horse once, he doesn't think it'll be comfortable anymore.

Whatever way it goes, have fun!
Posted By: BrightFuture

Re: Sotto's tootling along - 10/07/16 09:44 PM

Sotto, great to “see” you back here! I’m happy to learn that you are finding more joy in your life! I completely agree with you, that GAL is the first thing to do. It was hard for me too at the beginning. I’m not a natural extrovert, and I was still going through a lot of emotions while I was out with my new friends, etc. And some of these interactions with people were painful reminders that I was on my own, single, without a partner… But, overtime, it got better and I actually starting to enjoy myself.

Great info about depression. I think my H fits perfectly into that.

Is your SS in college already? He is only 16, right? It is great that you maintain relationship with him. I’m supersensitive when it comes to the kids who went not only through one, but multiple divorces and broken marriages. My son is one of them…

Good luck on your new project! I’m positive you will do great! As for NG, I would do the same, just take it easy and let him deal with whatever he has to deal with. You don’t want another broken men in your life, LOL. Take care!
Posted By: Irish M

Re: Sotto's tootling along - 10/08/16 06:00 PM

Hi Sotto
Just caught the quote you posted. It hit on what XW said to me. Void

She even told me she needs to keep busy, can't sit still or her mind spins out of control.

So glad you are still here posting and helping others. You are an inspiration

Hugs

Irish
Posted By: Sotto

Re: Sotto's tootling along - 10/15/16 12:48 AM

Thanks for the kind words folks and glad some of you found the depression quote helpful - it really spoke to me.

Well - things have been so busy here! I'm working my new increased hours and trying to settle them into a fixed pattern and fit my various other commitments around them. I'm finishing off a big piece of work and starting up my big project too - so work is quite challenging (in a good way) just now. I'm also still working on the house, which is largely fun...but again busy.

Still salsa dancing, going to yoga, seeing friends and doing things with my divorce group, blue bookstore volunteering, so life trips along. We still have our self-improvement reading group, which I'm hosting next time, and the next divorce group (which I'll be involved in) starts soon too.

Looks like things have settled down at college for my SS, which I'm glad about after his rough start. He and I plan to get together for a day during his holidays later this month - possibly with his Mum too - not yet sure. Enjoyed the black tie party last week and we won an award...went the whole 100 yards on beautifying - nails, tan, fake lashes, blow dry and felt great - NG asked how things went and I texted a pic of our group - with me looking fabulous of course!

He and I still chat a little by text and swap book details we're reading - mostly along self-improvement lines. Like me, he still seems to be very much working through things. I'm planning a drinks party for my birthday next month & may invite him along. He and I touch on flirtation but he doesn't seem to want to take things further and I don't push things either.

All silent from XH and I have no idea how he is doing. I still struggle a little with the feeling of 'is this it then?' And I find it hard to shake the feeling that I meant so little to him in the later stages of our M. For me, it has been hard (and helpful) that we only met once after BD2 and only spoke a few times too - so everything came to such an abrupt end, when I had thought the M good. It's a lot to process really. I am getting there, but I still find the absolute rift a challenge. That's not how I would choose any R to be, and I do wonder if that would change at some point. Less from a 'reconciling' POV - more from a settling the past perspective.

Anyway - things are generally fine and I'm appreciating friendships and the many good things life has to offer.

Have a great weekend & thanks for reading :)xx
Posted By: bttrfly

Re: Sotto's tootling along - 10/15/16 03:54 AM

i echo Irish - you are an inspiration. yes, it is a lot to process. every so often it will literally rob me of breath when i think about exactly what you said - the caring so little about me towards the end. i think though Sotto, that really the person they care so little about is themselves. We are merely caught the crossfire as the mirror/partner. I'm glad ss is doing better with the college adjustment. sound to me like you and ng are doing fine, even though it may have its moments ... i like that you both are processing, yet in touch. let's face it, who wants a rebound? this way with you both taking the time to heal you have a much better chance of building something solid if things should go that way.

have a great weekend lovey xoxoxo
Posted By: HaWho

Re: Sotto's tootling along - 10/15/16 06:31 AM

Sotto - I relate to your feeling that you meant so little to your h in the later stages of his crisis. I watch my h who is currently spewing tremendous anger and I cannot believe the way he views me/us. He is swirling with anger.

In actuality, I do not at all believe that you meant little to him. From all I see, MLCers are tornados of emotions and confusion. They have to project their feelings somewhere and the spouse is the target. I see it day in and day out. They have to blame because they lack the perspective to see that the problems are within.

You are an inspiration and a great success!!!
Posted By: Esame

Re: Sotto's tootling along - 10/15/16 06:42 AM

Sotto I also wanted to thank you about that quote.

I'm glad you are still doing well, have a great weekend xxx
Posted By: job

Re: Sotto's tootling along - 10/15/16 06:52 AM

And, I too, have to echo what others have said...you are an inspiration. Your positive attitude shines thru and helps others see that there is still a way to enjoy life during and after the crisis.

Enjoy your weekend!
Posted By: Huddy

Re: Sotto's tootling along - 10/15/16 07:00 AM

Flirting is fun sotto! Who knows what could come of it. Your GAL is admirable, but do get some rest. You've worn me out just reading it!
Posted By: BrightFuture

Re: Sotto's tootling along - 10/16/16 11:23 PM

Sotto, thanks for stopping by at my thread. I agree with others, you are an inspiration. I wish I had your strength and wisdom. I love the GAL, especially salsa dancing and yoga! I used to do yoga, but I have been terrible at keeping my schedule… I prefer to sleep in on the weekends… And I still feel like I need more sleep… So, I miss yoga classes and other work outs… I also always wanted to take a salsa class (I did take a belly dance class about 2 years ago), but just cannot find a good time to sing up…

I get it about the “abrupt end” to the Marriage… I though my M was ok too… And up to this day I still cannot understand how someone could go from telling me he loved me and checking on me, if I arrived safely to the place (when I was traveling ever week for my contracting job)… to a complete silence and indifference… I still remember the first weeks after the BD, when I would arrive to my contract site and there would be no text exchange with H… It felt so unreal…

I’m happy to hear that the things have settled down for your SS at the college. Congratulations on winning the awards at the what sounds like a great beauty party!
Posted By: Coly23

Re: Sotto's tootling along - 10/17/16 10:27 AM

Thanks for posting posting this Sotto. Gives some of us Newbies some hope that things can be good even if we go it alone.
Posted By: Sotto

Re: Sotto's tootling along - 10/28/16 12:04 AM

Hi folks, I haven't updated for a little while, so here we go. I had a nice visit with my SS this week. He and I normally get together during the holidays. This time it was just he and I - sometimes his Mum comes and sometimes we see my parents - so I was a bit apprehensive. But we had a lovely time - leisurely lunch and lots of chat - laughed about some memories and talked a little about what happened too.

We haven't really done that before, but he opened up the convo, and I don't think it should be off limits for ever. It felt like quite a healing convo, and I shared that it had been one of the most difficult things I ever faced, but I felt I had come a long way and was generally happy with my life. Sounds as though OW is still on the scene - that's been over 2.5 years now. Not sure if she and XH are cohabiting as such - SS mentioned 'theirs' and 'hers' - so who knows...he said he gets along okay with her - but he said 'she's not me second mum that I grew up with' - just Dad's GF - ahh.

I always worry a little as I feel one visit will be the time that I learn something difficult - they got engaged, married, baby on the way etc. But I guess I'll cross that bridge if & when I get to it. And really, whilst it may sting, it impacts very little on my life. I'm learning to try and see SS as a separate R to what 'was' with XH and value the R on it's own merits. I had to smile though as the inlaws were descending for a transatlantic visit this week - I was fond of them, but used to find the 'all or nothing' contact challenging.

Interestingly, SS mentioned a convo with his Mum about XH's manner of leaving. For both of us there had been an avoidant move. He said that for his Mum, XH just left a S agreement on the table and for me he left his emails open for me to read about OW. I do think there is a pattern of exciting new R - happy - R starts to need some work - unhappy - say nothing much - make an exit plan - go. My guess is he may stay with OW for a while then may go around that loop again. Yes, perhaps some MLC in there too, but that pattern is a longer term thing...

Otherwise - busy as usual. Been dancing & doing yoga, plus other social things. I'm hosting a party for my D group this weekend - so eight of us round at mine. Also looking in on Mum, who is in respite care this week. Work has been pressured and I'm right out of my comfort zone with this new project. So much so that I considered looking for another job. But I'm going to stick with things for now and see how things go. I'm fond of our team and the place has a lovely culture that I would miss....we'll see and I'll give it my best. NG & I still text a little & friendly enough but nothing else to report there.

That's it for now folks & thanks for reading xx
Posted By: Esame

Re: Sotto's tootling along - 10/28/16 01:40 AM

It's lovely hearing from you Sotto. I'm glad you and SS had a nice time, it sounds like he really respects you and cares for you. You are right, it is a separate R and you are both doing amazingly well by keeping in touch and being there for each other.

I guess it is normal to worry about future developments in XH's relationship, but there is nothing you can do about it now. As you said, you will cross that bridge if and when you get there.

Sorry about your mum's health, I hope she gets well soon.

(((Hugs)))
Posted By: bttrfly

Re: Sotto's tootling along - 10/28/16 02:54 AM

Hi Sotto, thanks for the update. Aw, ss sounds like a great kid! I'm glad you are keeping that relationship. YOu've been in his life since he was 2 if I'm doing the math right? I find it a singular honor when my teen son opens up to me. I know that I may hear something potentially hurtful about exH's new life, but my feeling is that if the boy is talking then it must be important to him.

Sounds like everything is moving along with your typical verve in GAL activities. You will rock this project, I have no doubts. The very fact that you are uncomfortable means you will attack this with ferocity and excel. Go Sotto!

Sending love and hugs to you and your folks xoxoxoxoxo
Posted By: Sotto

Re: Sotto's tootling along - 10/29/16 06:01 AM

Thanks Esame and Bttrfly - good to hear from you both.

One thing I forgot to post is I asked SS to give PIL my best wishes this weekend. You may recall I have been pretty raw that XH's family (who I thought I was close to) just dropped me at such a difficult time.

SS looked a little surprised and asked if we kept in touch. I told him no and that they didn't choose to, and I could understand they may find it awkward given our R/M has ended.

SS said - yeah my Dad's family are a bit weird - it's a bit like - oh you've split up - Okay...Delete.
He also reminded me that XH's GPs who were nice, but real authority figures, would just airbrush ex-partners out of family photos if they split up. It was like a given in the family that once you're out, you're out. There's no culture of - actually, you know what I really like you and I want to keep in touch anyway.

The convo seemed to help anyway and we had a bit of a laugh about it. SS seeming to feel - well, it's all a bit dysfunctional, but I love them - which is fair enough.

Anyway, just wanted to throw in that addendum....xx
Posted By: job

Re: Sotto's tootling along - 10/29/16 06:16 AM

SS is a very wise young man. Many families do "air brush" the former spouse of their child out of the picture. It's because they have heard all sorts of excuses for why the relationship broke down, blah, blah, blah. They feel uncomfortable about the situation and don't want to take sides. The old saying "blood is thicker than water" rings true in many instances. In some cases, they eventually see the light and will reach out in a subtle way.

How are your mom and dad doing? Are you going to visit w/them this weekend? What are your plans for Halloween?
Posted By: bttrfly

Re: Sotto's tootling along - 10/29/16 10:20 AM

how perfectly lovely that given this example, this young man has chosen to deepen his relationship with you rather than follow the path of dysfunction junction!

xoxoxo
Posted By: Pax_luv

Re: Sotto's tootling along - 10/29/16 12:05 PM

I agree with bttrffly... What a blessing that SS is taking a different path. He has the opportunity to shift the family dynamic with his actions.

How special that you two still have a connection.

Hope you have a lovely weekend, Sotto.
Posted By: Sotto

Re: Sotto's tootling along - 11/01/16 04:39 PM

Ah Guys - thank you - and yes, credit to SS and to his Mum for valuing me and wanting to have me around in their lives.

Yes, my last posts were XH focuses I know. Seeing SS does bring XH closer again for a bit, but then I recover and move forward again.

Job - thank you, M&D both doing well. Dad just went on a trip to France and Mum was in respite for a week. I'm off tomorrow and will see them both. My Dad is kindly helping me with a little project in the morning.

What did I do for Halloween? I dressed up as a witches cat and went salsa dancing. A divorce group friend came along for the first time, as did a couple of women from my ladies social group - nice evening.

Tonight, I shadowed for the first time at divorce workshop, which was interesting. A new group of people all with their own stories and it's nice to be part of their journeys too.

Xx
Posted By: Coly23

Re: Sotto's tootling along - 11/01/16 04:50 PM

Wow Sotto, your Halloween sounded fantastic!

I still can't believe families airbrush people out of photographs!! What happens if they reconcile... mmmmm...... crazy
Posted By: job

Re: Sotto's tootling along - 11/02/16 06:03 AM

Coly,

I think you misinterpreted my posting about airbrushing. Let me rephrase my response to help you better understand what I was saying. "Many parents will airbrush the spouse of their child out of the scenario. I used the term "picture" for scenario. Sorry if I confused you. In other words, we are not discussed and considered no longer a family member, therefore, we now don't exist in their eyes...hence the airbrushing comment.

Some spouses may airbrush the LBS out of photos, but I've not heard of families doing it...maybe they do. But remember...blood is thicker than water.
Posted By: Sotto

Re: Sotto's tootling along - 11/02/16 06:07 AM

Thanks Job, and just to clarify from me - the airbrushing of former partners, girlfriends etc. out of family photos by XH's family wasn't metaphorical. That is actually something they did - IDK - using photoshop or whatever?? The person would be erased & replaced by leaves, or whatever the backdrop was... crazy
Posted By: job

Re: Sotto's tootling along - 11/02/16 06:14 AM

Now, that's just awful to remove a person from a photo like that. It tells me that they have no deep feelings for anyone. I'm sorry to hear this. I guess it takes all kinds to make the world go round...but this is just awful.
Posted By: BrightFuture

Re: Sotto's tootling along - 11/04/16 10:28 PM

Sotto, it is great that you have this close relationship with your SS. He seems to be doing well considering all that is happening in his life.

Now, there is something weird about your XH’s family. I’ve never heard of anything like that, removing people from the picture by photo shopping, etc. Is it an attempt to “paint” a perfect family?

I’m so happy to hear that your Halloween was so much fun! And it seems that you are enjoying your D group. You have so much to contribute.
Posted By: Sotto

Re: Sotto's tootling along - 11/06/16 01:25 AM

Thanks Job and Bright - yes, the whole photo thing is a bit weird isn't it - like you are only 'valid' if you are 'in' and being out invalidates you from being in that pic. Also, an unwillingness to acknowledge unpleasantness perhaps?

We've had some lovely Autumn days here in the UK - clear, cold and bright - my favourite. It's my Birthday this week and so celebrations have commenced! Last night I went out to a bonfire party with a couple of friends and today my Dad is cooking lunch for me and we will open presents. This week I could actually be out every night, but I dialled back a little as I have a cold. But I am going out to a comedy night and shopping with a good friend - along with the usual yoga etc..

The second D group session is on Tuesday night. People come to these workshops in all different circumstances and at different stages. But there was one person there this time, who had been through a really rough time with some dark days. From how they 'lifted' during the evening, I really sensed that they saw a prick of light at the end of that tunnel - perhaps for the first time. They were spending time with people who had been through just what they were going through - and had survived - and seemed to be living happily too. At the end of the evening, I asked if they were coming back next week and they enthusiastically said yes - stayed for a while talking and even asked most of the organisers for a hug. It was nice to feel that - as a result of my own difficult experience - I may have become someone who can offer something to others - which in turn brings more meaning to my life.

Oh, and what has also been on my mind is the tortoise and the hare fable. Do you think this has parallels for the tortoise (LBS) and hare (MLCer) situation? The hare races out of the M, jumps into a new R, convinced it will be happy. The tortoise, starts painfully out on the road, gets a little lost, slowly pushes on etc...but the hare burns out and the tortoise slowly moves past...and so on..

Hope everyone is having a lovely weekend xx
Posted By: Coly23

Re: Sotto's tootling along - 11/06/16 02:38 AM

Apologies Job if I misunderstood your explanation of 'airbrushing' being metaphorical and also wow, Sotto your explanation being literal!!

Happy birthday week Sotto!!! I love that your birthday celebrations span over several days! I like to do that to and as my birthday is in the summer we have lots of garden parties!

Sounds like your D workshops are going well and as you say you can now give something back by being one of the hosts and help others to see that they can get through this and survive.

I love the tortoise and hare analogy. I think I might have used it on someone else sitch on here but in a different context. I think it is very true how fast the MLCer/WS works to get that new life they want and in contrast how it takes us LBS much longer to come to terms with what has happened.

I work in a field where we help managers with organisational changes they are wanting to implement and insist that making significant changes should not be taken lightly so we look at the reasons why they want the changes and how we can avoid any losses first before settling on what needs to happen. We also warn managers that it may be detrimental to the desired outcome if done too quickly and I think this is the case with the MLCer/WS sometimes going out all guns blazing without thinking of the alternatives and the impact of those around them.

I think it amazes me especially when an MLCer/WS is in an EA or PA for a short time how they want to throw away their old life of several years to be with the OP. Most people in new relationships wouldn't think of throwing away their single life until they are certain this is the person they want to spend the rest of their life with and I guess that's when the cracks start to show.

I think that is also evident in how sometimes the MLCer/WS can't understand why the LBS isn't on their timeline when they feel the LBS hasn't moved on as yet. I think the fact that it does take us LBS longer to move forward/on definitely helps with how we grow by going through stages of change rather than all at once.

So to cut a long story short I agree with your analogy of slowly, slowly wins the race although I don't believe there are any winners just the LBS who has hopefully grown and made changes and the MLCer/WS who is often stuck and still doing the same things in a new relationship.

Anyway, I'm getting off my soapbox! Have a lovely birthday week!!
Posted By: Sotto

Re: Sotto's tootling along - 11/11/16 07:09 AM

Hi Coly, thanks for posting and yes I had a good birthday thanks. Part 1 was last weekend and part 2 is this weekend.

I've been busy otherwise. Had the second divorce workshop this week, which was good. It does help me see that I am a ways forward and I do feel 'on the other side' of the journey to some there who were bombed quite recently.

I find it more difficult to relate to those who chose to end their M's, so I need to stay conscious of that and know that sometimes people really reach the end of their rope in R's.

I had put NG on the back burner recently and got a bit tired of initiating. But this week we were based together and had some nice little talks. He ended up saying my town sounds really nice and he'd like to see it some time. I said I'd be happy to show him around if he chose to come down. I left it there and will be interested to see if he picks that up. I do still like him, but I'm also only half way through the 'year after D' period, so I still think not dating is a pretty good idea for now. Our potential R is definitely in the 'slow to develop' genre... smile

Otherwise, I'm off to the bookstore later, then a comedy night, lunch with friends tomorrow and coffee with friends on Sunday. Enjoying some crisp autumn days too. Work is busy and I'm pretty tired, so just trying to squeeze in a little R&R when I can too.

Hope everyone has a lovely weekend. Xx
Posted By: Irish M

Re: Sotto's tootling along - 11/11/16 11:18 AM

Happy birthday Sotto xox,
nice to have a full week of celebrations.

Dating is always tricky. I am open to it and slowly letting someone in but deep down I am still not 100%. It will come naturally. You never know whats in our future.

Have a great weekend.
Posted By: job

Re: Sotto's tootling along - 11/11/16 12:05 PM

Happy Birthday!
Posted By: Pax_luv

Re: Sotto's tootling along - 11/11/16 08:18 PM

Happy belated birthday, Sotto! I'm so glad you could celebrate and live it up with friends who care about you! Enjoy!
Posted By: BrightFuture

Re: Sotto's tootling along - 11/11/16 10:08 PM

Happy belated birthday, Sotto!
Posted By: Rouky

Re: Sotto's tootling along - 11/12/16 12:43 AM

Happy belated birthday Sotto. Have a lovely weekend
Posted By: bttrfly

Re: Sotto's tootling along - 11/12/16 04:17 AM

Happy Birthday Sotto!!!

I'm delighted your celebrations span two weekends! Great self-awareness on your part re: the people who initiate. I have the same feelings. For me it manifests as an instant feeling of mistrust ... totally unwarranted. I'm working on it, what can I say. At least we have the awareness, right? That's the first step.

So ng is still around. Yes, I think you played that correctly. You deserve someone who will show you in every way that he wants to be with you. I do worry about your self imposed year ... what if next week you meet the man of your dreams? Do you tell him he has to wait? On the other hand, if he is the man of your dreams, he's going to realize you are well worth waiting for. I just hope you are trusting your instincts but not blocking yourself off.

xoxoxoxoxo much love and {{{{{hugs}}}}}
Posted By: ciluzen

Re: Sotto's tootling along - 11/12/16 08:20 AM

Happy Birthday, Sotto! I hope you have a lovely set of birthday events!
Posted By: Sotto

Re: Sotto's tootling along - 11/16/16 02:36 PM

Thank you all for the birthday wishes - I had a nice time, thank you and I felt spoiled and remembered by friends and family, which was lovely.

Bttrfly, thanks for your comments about not dating. You know, that isn't something that worries me. If there were someone really super who crossed my path, I wouldn't close that down, but I would proceed really gently. And I'm just not 'actively' seeking to date I guess.

Yes, NG is still around. It's funny really, he doesn't initiate much or continue text/email exchanges. And he cancelled that drink. But in person seems interested in me, conversational, picking up on themes we talked about before, asking me about events I mentioned previously and so on. Still, however things go, it's a nice friendship.

My big project at work is on the upswing, and I'm trying to bring some creativity and new insight to it. I've lost some of the fear and feel more confident about my input. Next week, I'm having my garden landscaped, which I'm excited about. Divorce group is going well, and it's lovely to still be a part of that. I'm off to lunch tomorrow for someone else's birthday and other than that, dancing, yoga, bookstore, social things etc.

Life trips along and I do think less and less about XH. I still shake my head that he dropped out of such a significant R like a stone and doesn't contact me at all, but I don't feel in distress about that. MLC reading and learning sure does help.

Best wishes to you all and thanks for reading xx
Posted By: bttrfly

Re: Sotto's tootling along - 11/16/16 07:56 PM

I know - exbf was around so much 6 trips this past 9 months, and we saw each other 6 times, a record. And each time, as the divorce progressed, we inched closer to ... i dunno, maybe less tap dancing around. Still not crossed any lines, but definitely a progression. Slow is good. I feel like I'm building a solid foundation for my future, whomever it is shared with.

I'm sure you feel the same. I understand your feelings about XH. I saw stbxh tonight when he dropped S around to drop off something I need for an appt tomorrow. When S was with us, he appeared cordial. that all changed to outright ignoring me when s went into the house and cordial again when s came outside. Hurtful, but I surprised myself by how fleeting the hurt was and how quickly it was followed by the thought of "this is his problem, not mine." and what kind of a person spends 26 years with someone, shares a child then treats them like this?? Not someone I have much in common with, from a values perspective.

Overall Sotto, I'd rather be us than them, wouldn't you? much love xoxoxo
Posted By: Esame

Re: Sotto's tootling along - 11/17/16 06:11 AM

Belated birthday wishes Sotto! I hope you had a great time xxx
Posted By: Sotto

Re: Sotto's tootling along - 11/23/16 02:50 AM

Thanks Esame and Bttrfly. Yes, I would rather be me and that's a good thing. I can't imagine what it must be like to deal with the fact you walked out of such a significant R in that way. For me, it also makes me sad that XH became so sad and desperate on 'my watch' and (whilst I am 'well-read' about MLC) I also feel I let him down in some ways.

But then I think, if you live with someone, of course there will be let-downs and joys and frustrations and so on. It is part of the ebb and flow of life.

Our divorce group is over half way through now and it is such a meaningful thing to me to be part of it. I see why this experience is a gift in so many ways. The fact that I have been rubbed raw through this situation, means that I have something to give to these people in their own times of pain. I do think things like these are part of what gives life meaning, and I am grateful for the opportunity. I love that these kind people turn out once a week on a rainy winter's evening to support others...

I have generally been busy with work and house renovations - and life is fine. I still struggle a little from time to time. The other night I woke after a dream where XH was on the phone to OW and I was in the background. That wasn't very nice and there are clearly still some 'brain' things going on there. But in many ways, I do feel a release. I have let go of a lot, but perhaps not completely yet. I guess it takes time.

No news from NG since his suggestion of a visit. I draw back from time to time. I see that he is reticent too and I don't feel like 'chasing' a reticent person. It is a change in me as I was very much a pursuer. Now I do think more - that doesn't work for me - and I focus on something different. All in good time and I am kind and responsive when he does initiate.

Next week is garden landscaping week. I'm off today and I just found out that my loo and basin (ordered 6 weeks ago and due for delivery tomorrow) are out of stock! Thanks for the 'just in time' notification (not!!) I do get rattled far less by stuff like this, which I feel is 'small.' Yes I need to rearrange the plumber and choose new things, but that's fine.

Got a weird text from SS this week, just saying - did you change your number? I wasn't even sure if it was meant for me and replied back - no I'm still here smile. Realised he had previously texted 'hope to see you soon?' And I missed that the Q mark needed a reply, so I've suggested a festive season meet up...

Thanks for reading and have a lovely day everyone. Xx
Posted By: bttrfly

Re: Sotto's tootling along - 11/23/16 05:40 AM

Hi Sotto,
You sound very even and filled with equanimity. A beautiful place to be! Am I reading too much into SS's second text? We often don't realize just how much others are affected by our MLCer/D ... at least I don't. I'm glad you will be seeing him soon. He sounds like a lovely young man. You are lucky to have each other.

Sorry about the bathroom items not being in stock. Frustrating but you are handling it in stride, with your usual Elan.

Re: NG and pursuing. Yes. I get that. I read a story online which has helped me with that: http://www.lifewithdogs.tv/2016/08/shy-stray-dog-finds-sanctuary-the-perfect-playmate/

xoxoxoxo
Posted By: bttrfly

Re: Sotto's tootling along - 11/23/16 05:41 AM

^^ hope it was ok to post that link.
Posted By: Sotto

Re: Sotto's tootling along - 11/23/16 06:41 AM

Thank you Bttrfly - that is a lovely story.....so am I Tenali and he Castiel?? Xx
Posted By: bttrfly

Re: Sotto's tootling along - 11/23/16 06:44 PM

yes love. same with me and exbf.
Posted By: Sotto

Re: Sotto's tootling along - 12/04/16 01:38 PM

I haven't updated for a couple of weeks, so here we go. A bit of a trying time with garden being revamped and hassles with wrong supplies arriving and the job not being done as well as hoped. Really looking for that to be over with and reclaim my home again.

Otherwise, been doing some nice GAL and all pretty busy - Xmas plans in place and got in touch with SS today to see if he wants to get together over the festive season. I always notice some hesitation in me getting in touch. I do want to keep in touch with him, but also keeping in touch opens the door again to old hurts. Hopefully that will change in time. No news at all about XH and little news about NG - though NG and me are in touch from time to time still.

I feel ours is a funny sitch with little contact since BD, due to geographical distance, DBing and OW presence. I still struggle with this aspect from time to time and want to keep working towards closure. I appreciate I may well not get that from XH - and the times we were in touch, I didn't find what I got from him helpful anyway....I know what I really want now. I need a new family...etc...blah...

Maybe one day, we could actually be in touch? I don't hope for reconciliation - but maybe to lay to rest this period in our lives and the ending of our marriage? Perhaps that can happen, but not in the short term. Generally, I'm doing fine and my life is full, with friends and family around, money in the bank, a cosy home and a job I enjoy. Really, I am blessed. But sometimes my mind still turns to this - the unhealed rift in my life - I don't want to have it there....and I don't see much of a choice at this point.

Divorce workshop ends soon and that has been rewarding. It is good to see people who came in feeling pretty hopeless, laugh and smile again and make new friends. It has certainly been a lifesaver for me and friends in my group say the same. We were lucky to have a group that gelled too. Now, it's good to be able to use the past pain to pay it forward. It isn't comfortable to feel that kind of pain, but it does give you something to offer others at this time in their lives - shared understanding and empathy.

Anyway - that's me at this point and best wishes to you all xx
Posted By: beatrice

Re: Sotto's tootling along - 12/05/16 12:52 AM

Quote:
Maybe one day, we could actually be in touch? I don't hope for reconciliation - but maybe to lay to rest this period in our lives and the ending of our marriage? Perhaps that can happen, but not in the short term. Generally, I'm doing fine and my life is full, with friends and family around, money in the bank, a cosy home and a job I enjoy. Really, I am blessed. But sometimes my mind still turns to this - the unhealed rift in my life - I don't want to have it there....and I don't see much of a choice at this point.


Sotto, my situation had elements of yours (although he also did the trying to get back together so I had BD 2 in the mix as well)

Anyway for the first period there was virtually no contact and OW etc etc. And for a long, very long long, I felt as you do. I had invested the majority of my life with this man, and I longed to know what had happened to cause him to change towards me. And lay it all to rest.

It has taken a very long time and recently I had the offer of just that - xh saying 'sorry' and wanting to spend time with me, talk things through etc.

At that point I realised that I had changed. Without being aware of it I had given myself closure - finally realised it wasn't me, it was him, and that my life is mine to live.

Why would I want to spend time with someone who had treated me so badly - this isn't victim mode, but the sober truth.

Although he now tells me his behaviour was awful, I see no sign that he has done any significant work on himself, and the disparity between us is huge. It isn't just the distance of time and events, but of the changes that I have made. I feel like a proper grown up person.

When my xh left me and then divorced me he made choices, and I found that I can make choices too that are best for me.

Bad events create their own memories, and I wonder if seeing someone who really hurt us later in life doesn't just stir them up again (not talking about childhood issues, these are a little different)

What I am saying is that maybe by the time he offers it (if he does) you will discover it is no longer what you want. I thought I did want and need it, but actually I don't.

I don't hate my xh, if anything I am sorry for him. He has screwed up his life. However, I feel he has learned little that really matters from all of this, and that further contact is pointless.

Any family events we both need to be at will be OK, but I wouldn't want to spend more time with him.
Posted By: Sotto

Re: Sotto's tootling along - 12/18/16 01:54 AM

Beatrice, thanks so much for your thoughtful reply. You are further down the road and I so appreciate you passing on your experience. I think that is what I have struggled with - that we lived together for 7 years, were together for over 10, married for 5 and then he walked away seemingly without a backward glance. But I also recognise that what I would get from him now, probably wouldn't help at all anyway and in truth I feel disinclined to make any contact. I also feel a little 'haunted' knowing that he could well be back in touch at some point - but I guess I always have choices to make if that happens.

As you say - whilst it is 'game on' with OW, there's little point and unlikely to be much in the way of introspection going on.

Well, a little update from me. Divorce group has finished now, and was a really positive experience. You can see how it helps people 'going through it' to interact with others further along their journey and it was nice to be part of that. My own D group has a few social things planned over the Xmas break and I'm looking forward to those.

For the first time since we S. I feel much more 'even' about Xmas. For the first time, I have got a tree - a very different kind to the family tree we had. This one is more 'glam' and I have enjoyed putting it up. We have Xmas and Boxing Day invites and I have ambitious 'dancing weekend' plans at New Year. I'm a little wobbly about the dancing part, but we'll see how that goes.

I'm trying to fix up a meet up with SS, but he's a little slow coming back. I texted him another time to prompt him, but we still haven't confirmed a date. I'll sit back and see what unfolds there.

I was asked out on a date this week. Not from someone I have a romantic interest in - but a guy who seems nice and it was a genuine invite. I didn't enjoy 'rejecting' someone who decently and genuinely asks me out - but I truly wasn't interested in him in 'that way.' He described me as seemingly lovely and attractive - so that was nice. smile

Bumped into NG last week. He came to our work site and sought me out, and we had a nice little convo - felt relaxed and easy. My plans just changed, so I'm on his site this week - I'll wear my mistletoe antlers that day - okay, just kidding! Actually, he doesn't offer me all that much and I wonder if part of his attraction for me is his relative emotional unavailability? Hmm..

We had a scare with my Dad, who is in hospital with suspected Pneumonia. He has been pumped with a coctail of antibiotics and will hopefully be discharged today. He seems pretty perky now - mentioned how pretty the nurses are! - but he collapsed with a high fever and bonked his head before being taken to hospital. I was called on the way to our work Xmas party and dashed to hospital - truly I was the most over-dressed person in that place!

Anyway - life rumbles along. I have a lovely new garden now, and my bathroom is on the way to looking nice. Hoping to take a little time to slow down over Xmas, do some baking and mooch around my home town. Some snow would be lovely too...

Festive wishes to you all - this place has been so important to me and I truly appreciate everyone. Xxx
Posted By: bttrfly

Re: Sotto's tootling along - 12/18/16 06:43 AM

Hi Sotto,

Glad for the update . I'm so glad your dad is on the mend - how scary the call must have been! I'm sure you looked fabulous, albeit overdressed for your unexpected surroundings. How is your mom doing?

I bet your new garden is beautiful. Hope the bathroom reno is finished soon.

So this is your 3rd Christmas ... and you are finding more balance. Good to read that there's hope.

SS wil be back in touch - I think your approach is a good one. Of course you're seemingly lovely and attractive. Can't fault the gentleman on his taste!

Very interesting insight into your attraction to NG ... You may want to pause and explore that thought a bit.

Overall duckie, you sound like you're at peace, which is a beautiful thing.

Much love to you xoxoxo from across the pond ... where we got some snow and it was a tad overrated xoxoxo
Posted By: job

Re: Sotto's tootling along - 12/18/16 06:46 AM

Sotto,

You sound like you are more than ready for the holidays. I'm sure your tree looks beautiful and our SS will contact you very soon. The two of you love spending time together and he's not going to pass that up over the holidays.

I am very sorry to read that your dad was in the hospital. I am glad to read that he's feeling better. I'm sure he'll feel even better once he gets home and actually gets some much needed rest. Patients don't get as much rest in the hospital as people think.

I can't wait to read about your new garden and what you've planted come spring. As for your remodeling inside the home, things sound like they are on track and hopefully everything will be done soon and the way that you would like them to be.

Enjoy the holidays and be sure to carve out a bit of time for relaxation.
Posted By: BrightFuture

Re: Sotto's tootling along - 12/21/16 12:48 AM

Sotto, I’m sorry to hear that your Dad was in the hospital. But… I’m glad hat he is doing better.
Your SS is a teenager, so expect the mood changes, LOL. It is incredible that he still wants to spend time with you. Most teenagers are so selfish…

I would totally go on the date… You just never know… I’ve read and heard the stories, when someone you have no romantic interest in turns out to be your life partner. You can still let the guy know that you are not interested in him “this way”, but you would enjoy a friendship… I know… easier said than done… being there myself… But, I would still give it a try.

Enjoy the holidays… and baking… and snow (brrrrr… smile...)
Posted By: Sotto

Re: Sotto's tootling along - 12/24/16 10:00 AM

Thanks for stopping by Bttrfly, Job and Bright xx

Well, Xmas Eve and I'm all set for Christmas. We've had trials and tribulations, but my Dad is home now and seems to be coping okay - though he's not yet 100%. Tomorrow will be a quiet Xmas Day. I'll cook lunch for my parents and then I am on standby to help out at the local church, clearing up after their lunch for people who would be spending Xmas alone. I'm hoping they do call me in.

Boxing Day is drinks with old family friends in the morning and some new friends of mine in the afternoon. I'm heading out soon for drinks with ladies social group friends.

I just wanted to let all new DBers know - Xmas does get better - and even if this Xmas isn't the best, future ones will be better, and you will feel stronger, happier and more at peace.

I want to thank all of my good friends for being here with me all through 2016 - the year of my divorce - and prior to that too.

Very best wishes to you all for the festive season and the new year ahead. Xxx
Posted By: bttrfly

Re: Sotto's tootling along - 12/24/16 10:24 AM

Happy Christmas Sotto xoxoxoxo
Posted By: job

Re: Sotto's tootling along - 12/24/16 10:26 AM

I'm glad your Dad is home and is coping okay. He's going to need to take it easy for a while in order to get back to the 100% mark. They will enjoy having you there tomorrow and the lunch will be delicious and enjoyable for them and you, as well.

I think it's a wonderful that you are on standby to help out the local church and being there for those individuals who either have no place to go or no family. It's the little gestures at this time of the year that make it so much brighter for those in need.

Boxing Day sounds like it's going to be a lot of fun w/old and new friends. Enjoy the time you spend w/them.

Happy Holidays to you, your family and friends.
Posted By: twinmom

Re: Sotto's tootling along - 12/24/16 05:20 PM

Merry Christmas! You are a beautiful person inside & out.
Posted By: Irish M

Re: Sotto's tootling along - 12/25/16 05:12 AM

Merry Christmat Sotto xoxo
Posted By: HaWho

Re: Sotto's tootling along - 12/26/16 06:24 AM

Sotto - just want to drop a line to say I am wishing you all the best in 2017.

Thank you again for all the support you've passed on to me throughout these years.
Posted By: Sotto

Re: Sotto's tootling along - 01/02/17 10:00 AM

Happy New Year all! I hope 2017 sees us all moving positively forwards and making the best possible lives for ourselves and those around us...xx

It's been a busy week or so. Had a nice Xmas to New Year period. Saw friends Boxing Day, then went to the German market with some more friends another day. Visited with my stepson too - just a lunch, but we had a nice time. I see him now and I don't ask anything at all about his Dad. Is that a little weird? Maybe I should at least ask after him..

I was away for two nights over New Year at a Latin American dancing event, which was great. TBH, I was extending myself a little - going to a new event, with a girl I hardly know from dance class. And when it came to the day, I didn't want to go. But I made myself, and it was really good...and a few others from my dance class turned up too. Lovely. Did loads of dancing and improved my salsa skills - lots of fun, but exhausted today.

I'm a little fed up with NG at work. As you know, we text a little, and I find him a little reticent via text, and keener face to face. I initiate more than he does, and I think his reticence brings out the pursuer in me - arghh.. Anyway, he didn't respond to my latest text - it wasn't a question, but a response would have been courteous. And I realise if his details are on my phone, I feel tempted to text him, so I just deleted all his details to break the habit. I can get them again of course, but I think I need to go cold turkey for a bit. I guess if he wants to be in touch, he will - or he won't...

Any ways, a few more days off for me, and I'm going to potter around with a few DIY projects, plus some relaxing and recharging before working again on Friday.

Very best wishes to you all xxx
Posted By: Coly23

Re: Sotto's tootling along - 01/02/17 12:06 PM

Happy New Year Sotto! Sounds like you had a great Christmas and New Year! I especially like the idea of the Latin Anerican dancing, great way to keep in shape!

NG sounds like my H. He is definitely better face to face than over text! Unfortunately I can't delete all his details because I know them off by heart!!

Also wanted to thank you for all your support over these difficult months.
Posted By: peacetoday

Re: Sotto's tootling along - 01/02/17 02:58 PM

Happy New year

great that you are having fun and taking risks and dancing!

New R can be challenging to figure out-fun and difficult

Its probably better that they pursue, so good to delete , take a few steps back and see where it goes-
Posted By: bttrfly

Re: Sotto's tootling along - 01/02/17 07:22 PM

hi love. happy new year. thank you for all your support through this mess we find ourselves in. you are a beacon of hope and a power of example.

something jumped out at me: your NG ... sounds like my exbf ... here's a funny one: i got a txt the other day from one of his buddies asking if I'd heard from exbf. Apparently he's been awol for about 6 weeks with everyone, not just me. Made me feel better. I left exbf a vmail wishing him a happy new year. "no pressure to call back but would be nice to hear from you" crickets ... which was exactly what I expected. he will surface when he surfaces and in the meantime, I have debated whether or not to delete his information. so funny to read you're doing the same thing.

I have decided to just let it all go for now. He does so very much better in person and I have so very many other fish to fry right now, that his quirks are the least of my worries.

Your salsa dancing my dear has inspired me to try swing dancing. We'll see how it goes. Enjoy the remaining days off. I'm jealous as I have a brutal week ahead starting tomorrow. wish me luck toots !!!! love you xoxoxoxox made ya some black bean soup for new year's xoxoxoxoxo
Posted By: Sotto

Re: Sotto's tootling along - 01/10/17 11:38 AM

Thanks Coly, Peace and Bttrfly....so next instalment..

I got back to work to find a lovely Xmas card from NG left on my desk at a site where I hadn't been for a week or two, so that was nice.

Also, saw NG this week and he has been 'phoneless' since NYE. His sim just stopped functioning completely and work are arranging a replacement. I didn't tell him that I had texted him and he hadn't responded. But it does clarify that what I thought was a discourtesy was actually due to phone malfunction - doh! Just goes to show that we shouldn't layer assumptions onto an event and form incorrect conclusions...

Anyway - on other notes, I'm busy socially - quite a bit of dancing stuff lately and I join rock choir next week - woo hoo!! Went to a Ceilidh at the weekend, which was fun and I'm out to dinner with friends tonight - so gotta dash...xx

Take care lovely DBers. It is nice when life settles into a 'new norm' on the other side..
Posted By: peacetoday

Re: Sotto's tootling along - 01/10/17 07:36 PM

Yes
sounds like a lot of fun
enjoy!

The other side is a pretty OK place
Posted By: Sotto

Re: Sotto's tootling along - 01/22/17 02:00 PM

Hi all, just a quick update from me. All is going well with me. I had a nice thing happen this weekend. I was out with a (divorced) friend who mentioned she is going to a family wedding in the Italian lakes - the wedding is just one day and she's going for a week - and she asked me if I fancied coming along for a little holiday - yes! I booked it today, and will be going in September. I haven't had a proper holiday since BD - so I figure it's time.

Life rumbles along and I feel at peace with things. I think of XH sometimes and I let him be with his life and his life choices. He isn't leading a life I would want to lead and I don't feel me and 'current him' are compatible. I can't really imagine being in a R with him and it feels easier just to close the door and move on. Equally I post this not seeing him wanting a possible reconciliation. If he did, how would I feel? I don't know. But certainly I feel fine to move on alone.

As I posted on Bttryfly's post, dating doesn't appeal to me just now and that's a good thing as I haven't yet been D'd a year. I still like NG at work and I had (have) hopes that this friendship may develop - but it hasn't as yet and it may never do. I'm glad I dropped his details from my phone because it makes 'dropping him a little message' harder and so I haven't done it.

I started Rock choir - lots of fun, and been busy socially and at work. I find I could be out almost every night if I chose - but I find every other night or so seems to work for me and that's fine - otherwise I start to feel on a treadmill - work - out - work - out - etc...

I'm reading an interesting spiritual book at the moment - the last chapter was all about opening and closing energy centres (or chakras). When we feel a a state of flow and harmony our centres are open - and when we feel out of sorts, awkward, I'll at ease, they close. The book recommends noticing the closure and consciously opening again - ie: transcending the urge to close and living open heartedly.

My yoga teacher also talked about the eight limbs of yoga Last week, which was interesting. These include how we look after ourselves (eating well, spiritual wellness) how we conduct ourselves with others (integrity, honesty), yoga postures, breathing - and then the later ones are more meditative. It struck me that in DBing, we are really focusing on the first two - loving ourselves and becoming our best selves.

Anyway - that's it from me for now and thanks for reading xx
Posted By: Rouky

Re: Sotto's tootling along - 01/22/17 02:15 PM

Congratulations for booking your holiday days as the Italian lakes are beautiful. I know you will love it. Just wanted to add if you haven't tried Reiki you might want to give it a go as it works on your shakras and it does wonder (well at least for me).

Have a lovely week.
Posted By: bttrfly

Re: Sotto's tootling along - 01/24/17 02:54 AM

hi Sotto,
your vacation plans sound fabulous! that's where my family hails from. my hope is to bring son there for graduation.

chakra work and reiki are wonderful tools for healing. glad you are learning more about energy work. it has certainly helped me.

thanks for popping in on my thread xoxoxoxo
Posted By: job

Re: Sotto's tootling along - 01/24/17 10:01 AM

Sotto,

I'm so glad to read that you've got a very nice vacation planned. You will most definitely enjoy yourself.
Posted By: Sotto

Re: Sotto's tootling along - 02/05/17 12:28 PM

Thank you Rouky, Bttrfly and Job...xx

Yes, it is good to have a trip to look forward to and it was one of my goals for this year - and also, I'll be 50 this winter, so it's good to push the boat out a little...

I've dialled back a little on social activities in the past few weeks. Am I in a bit of a funk? Maybe. I'm a little anxious about this new project which will really gather steam this week. The start got delayed and that was a bit frustrating. I guess I'm just prioritising that at the moment and I only have so much energy and mental energy to go around..

Sometimes I put myself in the position of being 'social organiser' and then others look to me to organise things (fair enough on their part) but then I get busy and start to feel a bit resentful. Something to watch out for and my fault for always stepping in to offer.

I guess I'm also mourning the loss of NG at work's phone number and our bits and bobs of texting, which have stopped completely (I went cold turkey. ) So, again I guess that contact buoyed me a little and now it is gone. I don't feel the situation with him is hopeless - but (for whatever reason) he doesn't come forward just now and that's okay. I'm not yet a year out from D just yet (May) and that's another goal - no dating until at least a year.

I still find I ruminate sometimes about XH. Like the whole thing was pretty astonishing how our nice life together completely imploded and the horrid way it all happened. I guess I still suffer from a touch of PTSD type symptoms and though I have read a lot about MLC, there's a difference between 'knowing' what you know and truly healing and moving on from it all.

So, a bit of a mixed time but generally okay and I'm looking forward to the Spring months just ahead - always my favourite time of year. Anyway, thanks for reading - even though I have nothing to say. Oops, almost completely forgot to mention XH - no news of any sort there...xxx
Posted By: Coly23

Re: Sotto's tootling along - 02/05/17 12:59 PM

Hey Sotto, great to hear from you!

I also love to organise stuff but then sometimes feel I have bitten off more than I can chew so become resentful too. It's something I've got to look out for as well.

Sorry about NG. He sounds like my H, a little bit lazy!

I'm looking forward to the spring too. I've already seen some early daffodils and that has lifted my spirits a bit!

Hope you are having a good weekend!
Posted By: Tita

Re: Sotto's tootling along - 02/10/17 11:39 AM

Hi Sotto,

Just read your last posts and you sound strong as always. Congrats on your new adventure... who knows what awaits you in Italy. It could be in terms of someone, life and just the absence of any pain of any kind. The main thing is to let it flow through you and enjoy every single detail.

You are right on when you say we can't just assume what is happening on any other side. Sometimes it is our assumptions and feelings that destroy any outcome. It happen to me all the time.

So many people in this board identify themselves as initiators, or volunteers. It's fanny to think that in many different ways we share some similarities. I guess that's why we are the ones trying to save a relationship or at least grow from it and become better for ourselves. But, don't bit yourself up about not organizing some events. These last two years of my life also made me be humble and ask for help.

So, you see my signature as Tita, my home nickname. I had some issues with my log in and couldn't go back to Pink. Well, the name is different, but I am the same Pink.

By the way, I sometimes envy you for no contact with XH. The permanent contact gives some hope and I keep holding the rope. I sometimes feel that if we were far apart, it would be a little easier to let go. Maybe not, I really don't know since I never had the opportunity to experience that.

RD contact me and I still did not write back to him. So not polite. Hope you two are still in touch.

Love as always,
Pink
Posted By: Sotto

Re: Sotto's tootling along - 02/11/17 09:07 AM

Ah, thanks Coly and Tita - Pink, I will have a look at your thread and catch up. Nice to hear from you and yes RD and I have been in touch recently for a little chat. I'm sure he'd love it if you were in touch with him.

Well - gosh a busy work week for me, but all went well. We have two big projects going on at work and I manage one of them. The other is in disarray and someone important is leaving - so there is a gap too. Apparently one of our senior managers said to by boss - "we need a Sotto for this other project" - so that was nice. I've been worried about the project quite a bit - and reduced to tears one evening this week - so the feedback was really welcome.

Otherwise - a nice social weekend - a couple of lunches out. Plus visiting a friend at her new place and coffee with another. Dreary and cold here - so nice to be doing a few cosy and social things.

Reading some Jon Kabat Zinn at the moment - interesting for anyone looking at mindfulness. In one of his chapters - Wherever you go there you are - (also the book title) he talks about the common misperception that if you 'change up' your life things will improve - ie: change your job, your wife etc. But he says that if you go into a new situation with your old behaviours and beliefs, you will recreat pretty much what you had. The only way to change is inner transformation - interesting...

Take care all xx
Posted By: Sotto

Re: Sotto's tootling along - 02/16/17 04:21 AM

Gosh, well here I am posting and I have a DIY job I should be getting on with this morning - avoidant for sure.

All's well with me and I feel my sap rising as we get some early spring weather in the UK. I found the build up to Xmas and the festive season really enjoyable. But then January was tougher, but I feel I've reached a good place again now. I think partly I was adjusting to these new greater work commitments and partly mourning the loss of being in touch with NG outside work. I've also been busier and less able to do social things, but I am trying to plan ahead more and schedule things for when I do have some down time.

I'm due to see our mutual friend this weekend. She tried to build some bridges between XH and me and was left in the awful position of telling me XH told her our R was over, when he hadn't told me this. When I last asked her if she kept in touch a year or so ago, she just said - he's not the man I thought he was. But they may be in touch as they have sons a similar age, and she was fond of SS. I did text SS and ask if he wanted to join us. He hasn't responded and I haven't reminded him. He may not want to be in touch as much as we were, I don't know, but I'll gently keep in touch from time to time.

I have no news of XH at all. I imagine his R with OW may be continuing and I certainly wouldn't be that surprised if I heard they had married or had a child on the way. Actually, I don't feel I'd be that devastated either if I heard that news. Maybe difficult for a little while, but I feel I would move through it fairly soon. I don't think about it much, but I do remain conscious of the normal journey these things take. I know that their R is built on rocky foundations and neither were in a good place when they entered into it. Due to this it may implode in time. But I'm not sure where I would be at if I heard from XH. The door may well be pretty much closed from my end.

As for NG, I've drawn back and accepted we won't be in touch for now. I did see him for a meeting on Valentine's Day actually and we had a nice little chat, initiated by him. He explained that as his sim died, he has lost all his contacts and our IT guy has the sim to see if he can retrieve these. NG hasn't released his new number as he may still get his old one back and he'll let me know how he gets on. I sense he may still want us to be in touch, but I'm in respond rather than initiate mode right now - though I'm still friendly and would be responsive to an initiation... smile

Otherwise, life is fine and I am lucky to have good friends, a roof over my head, cash in the bank, interesting work, good health, etc, etc. It always helps me to remember this and it is so true that the main thing is to reach a good place within yourself in whatever circumstances you may find you are in. When you do that, it doesn't really matter how life unfolds because you will navigate that and there will be joy and also some pain along the way....

Blessings to you all my lovely online friends. Xxx
Posted By: Sotto

Re: Sotto's tootling along - 02/16/17 04:30 AM

Oh, last post from me and then I will do this DIY job!! The friend I'm seeing this weekend divorced 3+ years ago. Our family was good friends with theirs. Well her XH in his late 40s did the following things - lost a pile of weight & became iron man, showed a huge amount of anger to her and their S, left his job, left the area, then decided he needed to work in a different country. They were still a couple during all of this.

Then he formed a friendship with a much younger woman (possibly and A but he never admitted to that if there were one.) They D'd and last I heard he was living with the new woman, but suffering from depression and off work with that..he did re-establish contact with his son and does see him for trips a number of times a year, which is good. I would say his journey along this road has taken 6 or 7+ years so far..

He and I don't keep in touch but I will be interested to hear how he is getting along...xx
Posted By: Gordie

Re: Sotto's tootling along - 02/16/17 06:25 AM

Sotto,

I just wanted to say I read your posts but as a newbie don't feel like I have much to offer you. The one thing you posted that struck me is your peace with your XH with ow even if they marry and have babies. My W mentioned the possibility of having babies with her POM and it honestly got under my skin in a bad way. She thinks it would have no affect on our children. I didn't say anything or argue but I'm sure it showed on my face and in my body language. I am still so emotionally attached. Yet this formerly rational woman is contemplating having babies with a man who is almost the same age as our oldest. I guess this is what they mean by this is not the woman you married.
Posted By: Sotto

Re: Sotto's tootling along - 02/16/17 06:52 AM

Hi Gordie, thanks for posting and I'm always glad to hear from people - at whatever stage of the journey. Yes I have reached a place of relative peace with things - but my sitch and OW are almost 3 years old now and we are D'd too.

But for sure there was a time when I dreaded him telling me she was pregnant and I felt that would have been the most devastating news. But time and resolution both help a lot and I do have more of a 'live and let live' philosophy - which has helped in my wider life too actually.

Also, I think it is partly that I would not want what they have - truly! I don't want to be in a R that started as an A. Or with an OP who's last R was also an A. Or with someone 17 years younger and I've run away from my W who was not without faults, but was attractive, kind and nice..and I loved her. So I guess none of that is how I want my life to be and if that's a life they want to live, I do feel it's up to them. I'm sure they may well see it all very differently, but it's how I see it.

It does all time though - and thanks for posting. There are many blessed gifts to be found if you stick with the programme - and peace with the situation is so important. There are people who don't reach that place of peace even 20 years later, so I am thankful for it.

Have a good day smile
Posted By: bttrfly

Re: Sotto's tootling along - 02/16/17 04:18 PM

HI Doll,
Glad things are stable and positive for you! A testimony to how hard you've worked to build this serene life.

Your interaction with NG is, as always, interesting to me. Exbf has surfaced twice in the past month, but is largely incommunicado with everyone. I am also content to let things be. Time enough to figure things out when he moves here.

Wishing you the best as always - isn't your bday soon? xoxoxoxo mwah
Posted By: Sotto

Re: Sotto's tootling along - 02/18/17 11:24 AM

Thanks Bttrfly - no birthday for me yet - not until the Autumn...XH's is soon though. I recall last year he sent me a non-essential message the night before his B'day. I don't expect to hear anything this year.

Just journaling, it is really interesting to hear the human stories from MLC and other marital breakups. Last night I was out with a friend who's XH was unfaithful right from the get go - having inappropriate contact with others on their wedding day even. They have kids and she forgave him his first affair. They carried on, but he had further affairs over the next few years and she decided to file for divorce, which finalised this time last year.

She has recently started seeing a nice guy and her XH has really been struggling. No GF at the moment and he's been struggling that another guy is spending time with his kids and with her. He told he was wondering if they might try again - he was lonely and things weren't going great for him. She said no and he said he could understand why she felt that way - what a sad story though. Why didn't he realise how much he valued what he had at the time he had it?

I met up with a mutual friend of mine and XH's today. She has been through some difficult treatment these past 6 months and lives a distance away - so our first meet up in 9 months. I always have a little trepidation about what I may hear about XH. But turns out she has not heard from him for 9 months either. At the time our house was selling she texted him to let her know when he would be up. But then she found out he had been and gone without being in touch.

So, his S knows all about the treatment she has been having and what a rough time of it. I just couldn't believe that he wouldn't have been in touch with her at all during such a rough time. We were good friends and our families used to get together most weeks. She tried to be helpful to us both at the time of our separation. She now says that she doesn't even know if he would respond if she did text him. She told me - it isn't just you that has been erased - it is his whole former life.

She told me they had really struggled with the duplicitous behaviour and that we all sat having Sunday lunch together when he already had plane tickets booked to go and stay with OW two days later...

Anyway, for those of you struggling with the truth of things not being known, I wanted to say that over time the real picture does trickle out and people form their own views of it. My friend says that she and her S still talk with disbelief about what happened and have come to see that XH is 'unhealed' in some way.

Anyway, it gave me some food for thought and I just wanted to share in case this if of interest. We should always believe the human stories we hear as the patterns do repeat in other situations.

Have a lovely weekend all xx
Posted By: HaWho

Re: Sotto's tootling along - 02/18/17 03:36 PM

Sotto - I can imagine how you and mutual friends struggle with the severity of duplicity you now realize was occurring. It's a wonder he could live with himself through all that. One must have an amazing ability to power off one's own conscience to do so. And yet, no matter how much you try to erase swaths of your past, somewhere deep you can't turn the lights out completely on truth of what happened.

Thank you for sharing. It's always nice to hear from you. Truly, you have travelled this ugly road with tremendous grace.
Posted By: Tita

Re: Sotto's tootling along - 02/22/17 04:34 PM

Hi sweetie,

So nice to read your posts. Always so much positivity even when there are some troubles around. It's amazing how your XH just escaped from his own mess and move forward.

I would think that he is still dealing with the same internal problems he had before. Some people think that if they have a clean slate, then life will be resolved and they forget that wherever they go, they will be there. The old selves will be present in the new picture.

Maybe with time he will realize and face his own issues before blaming someone else for his failures.

But, that is another story and for sure you have no control over what he did, or is doing in his life.

Now, the way you deal with your own life is none of less but amazing. I always envy you in how thoughtful you are and how you can get messed up for a little while and then look the situation from outside and address the proper changes to have a good outcome.

I wish that many of us could have the same self control you have. For sure our lives would be a lot easier.

Sorry to hear that NG seems not so ready to move a little forward, but it's better then have someone being dishonest. At you know that he is a nice human being that won't take advantage of the moment. What actually makes it harder, because if he is a NG with this nice attitude, then maybe he will be a nice partner.

Well, all in time I guess. Maybe things will have another turn and you two can have a chance to spend sometime together.

Toots, you were and are a very nice friend that gave very valuable advices. I wish one day we can meet in person. We have been here almost the same time and your friendship has been a treasure to me.

Hope mom and dad are doing well. Keep being awesome.

Lots of hugs and kisses,
Tita

PS.: I am such bad girl, I did not write to RD yet. Shame on me.
Posted By: Sotto

Re: Sotto's tootling along - 03/07/17 01:51 PM

Thanks so much HaWho and Pink. Yes I wonder sometimes about the duplicity and the walking away - seemingly without a backward glance - when we had a good enough marriage. Still...

This evening I realised it is 3 years to the day since BD1 - when I discovered XH had OW to stay at our city flat. And really after that life was never the same again. I have come a long way since then - and truly it has been a lovely road in many ways - though I would never have wished for the journey. But we many of us take journeys we didn't ask for!

All is well with me - though my new work project is a bit of a rollercoaster. I'm lucky to have some great colleagues and we support each other - but oh boy, there have been a few highs and many lows. I feel generally good with myself and I've been reconnecting with some 'looking after me' activities - meditation, listening to calming and inspirational self help books. Still doing yoga, choir, bookstore, dancing and other social things.

I joined a new dance class, and really like it. Actually, there is a really friendly guy there and I like him. I don't know what his circumstances are, so I would be cautious, but nice to make new friends anyway. I pretty much gave up on NG at work. He gave me his new number and I dropped him a note after a couple of weeks - got a pleasant one-liner back. But I feel he doesn't really want to take anything further, and that's okay.

So, 3 years on what matters to me most? New friends, my own strength, no regrets for how I handled things. A sense of pride, more truth and authenticity in my life - I try to bring me to the table - not what I think others want. These are all gifts to have. And whilst I didn't manage to save my marriage, life is still happy and I am grateful.

You know, I never envy XH and OW. I believe they are still together. Though I imagine that could implode at some point. But truly, I wouldn't want what they have, and I no longer really miss XH or wish for him to return. Though part of me would like for him to feel he was mistaken. Not because I would like for us to be together again - more because it would be fair and just.

Best wishes to you all and I am so grateful for all the support from the forum. Xx
Posted By: FightOn

Re: Sotto's tootling along - 03/07/17 03:33 PM

Your story is very inspirational. Thank you for sharing. Sometimes I feel like there is no end to the misery, but when I read these stories from the vets it helps me maintain perspective.

What kind of dance class are you taking? It sounds like fun!

The part that would like for him to feel he was mistaken . . . I feel that way too. I suppose it's natural.
Posted By: rd500

Re: Sotto's tootling along - 03/08/17 03:27 PM

Hi Sotto , you are an example of the DB process working. For newcomers it may seem that the process didnt work for you but it worked brilliantly. I still believe your underlying character helped you tremendously but you detached as best you could and became the GAL queen of the universe. I, among many others, waited sith baited breath fir your next GAL adventure and i was never left disappointed with the next activity.

Im sure you still have your sad moments because your a caring and good person but those moments become less frequent and obviously tbis new dancing partner may play a part in helping lengthen the time between sad thoughts !!!

You are the poster girl ( lady obviously) for how to survive this ordeal with grace , style and hard work. Its been a privilege to have watched the journey and long may it continue.

Take care , RD xx
Posted By: bttrfly

Re: Sotto's tootling along - 03/09/17 03:16 AM

Hi Sotto. You are an inspiration to me, as you've always been.

I hope to be as settled as you are now when I'm three years on. You've worked hard and it shows.

You are a lighthouse for us LBS. xoxoxoxo
Posted By: Sotto

Re: Sotto's tootling along - 03/19/17 10:13 AM

Aww, thank you Fight On, Bttrfly and RD. I'm glad if my bumbling along has inspired someone - truly I am. It is great if something positive comes out of the general mayhem that is MLC. And yes, truly I do feel at peace and generally happy with life and I count my many blessings.

I think it does really help not to have to have contact....and it has been a long time for us. TBH, I still feel a little staggered sometimes and think - did this really happen to us??!! - but I don't ruminate too much.

So, life moves along. My boss finally got around to restructuring and it looks as though I have been promoted! I may still have to have an interview, but I am the only candidate and my boss already congratulated me. I'm kinda looking forward to it and I have some trepidation too. I'll be a line manager and I haven't done that for a while, but actually I think the DBing process has helped me in so many ways and I feel confident about it. Truly, DBing is a way of life - so much more than a marriage saving strategy.

As for GAL, I'm enjoying my new dance class and choir. Went to my first choir event last weekend and enjoyed it. Still doing yoga and bookstore and spending time with divorce group and other friends. I did a lot of GAL activities over the past few years and things have settled down to a core of things I enjoy doing.

I'm pushing along with the house and mostly have it how I want it. When it is finished, I may pick up a second property to use when I'm working and save me travelling quite so much. It's a great little house and I love strolling into town and being too close to even drive into town - I'm definitely a town girl.

As for my not dating - well that's continuing. I saw NG last week and we had a nice chat. He is super forthcoming when I see him - asks me questions and volunteers info about himself. He hears what I say and does something with it - so I told him about dancing and he has been asking his dancing friend about a class he goes to etc. He told his son about 'his friend' me who studied the same degree subject and might help out if asked. So, he does see me as a friend - but doesn't really move forward - that's okay and either he just wants to keep things at that level or isn't ready or whatever...

There is also nice salsa guy whose circumstances I'm not sure of. I met a guy from school this weekend when I was out with friends. I wouldn't have recognised him, but he did me and came over for a chat. We talked for half an hour or so. He's clearly married (was wearing a ring) but gave me his number and said we should get together for a proper catch up. I just said thanks - and ripped up the number when I got home. I wouldn't go out with someone else's husband for a drink - even if there were no suggestion of a date. Maybe I'm hypersensitive about this...

Been a busy weekend for me. Bowling on Friday night, housewarming last night, lunch out today and dancing this evening. I'm going back to work for a rest!! Anyway - that's it from me for now. Need to pack up my stuff for work tomorrow and then go dancing!! Love to you all. Xx
Posted By: Rouky

Re: Sotto's tootling along - 03/19/17 01:26 PM

Sotto, such strength in each of your posts. I really look up to you and hope I will be where you are now. You have so much insight and so much wisdom to offer.

Thank you very much for helping all of us xx
Posted By: job

Re: Sotto's tootling along - 03/19/17 02:18 PM

Sotto,

Please start a new thread and if you have time, please link your threads together.

Thanks!
Posted By: Sotto

Re: Sotto's tootling along - 03/20/17 02:22 PM

Link to new thread

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2735144&#Post2735144
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