So Over It - DivorceBusting.com

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Last time I posted, I was in the process to close on the refi of my house. Last minute, I hit the breaks, put it up for sale and bought a new one in a different town. Although I'm not nearly as adventurous as my dear friend, Shining, I went to the place that was best for the fam. In the town I grew up, work, have family in, and where my d15 transferred schools to.

I can't tell you the relief I have felt from being away from the town with all the negativity and the chance of bumping into someone... cuz we know how that went down...

Once I moved away, I became wide-openingly aware of the intensity if felt every day living there. I have found that my adrenaline was pumping 24/7. Every time I left the house, I was white-knuckling the steering wheel, in anticipation of running into a situation that would... well... whatever. Anyway, I don't have that anymore. However, my body has suffered serious adrenal fatigue as a result! What!? Well, I'm good, healing, dealing. MLC will really take a toll on everyone involved.

Haven't had a convo w xh in about a year and a half. Weird, right? I mean, its not bc I don't want to and have no reason to. But When you spend more than half your life with someone and think it would get to that, its hard to imagine. But, I wouldn't want it any other way at this point.

Very seldom, but once in a great while, I get the, "wth are you doing???" when I see him.
For example, when I was packing up getting ready to move (he must have found out via his bro who lived next door and saw the sign), I texted him that I had some of his things (like birth cert, and import docs). I could have tossed them, bc wth do I care? But, I have really tried to take the high road. He was over in a few minutes to get them. I met him in the driveway, hand it to him and kept moving... I was busy! He kept trying to talk to me and ask questions. Clearly, I am in such as different place. I don't want to engage and don't even get it anymore. It was like a stranger asking me personal questions. I think my reactions was such. And he asked me this.. "Do you have the Army video?" OMG, you guys! He asked me for an Army 3 min recruiting video that was taped when we lived in Alaska. He wasn't even in it. And it was from like 2 decades ago. And who has a VHS player? And... what???? He didn't ask for one thing from the kids, any of the pictures... NOTHING from them! All the stuff they've made him... like nothing. He has NO childhood pics from my kids... No pics at all! Wow. That was... hmmmmm.... unexpected.

The day we moved, he drove by so slowly... checking things out. It was weird.

I mention these things because I very, very, very rarely see him. Have no communication with him, and don't really think about him. So when I see this from him, its just... weird.

I saw him this week for the first time in months at d15 vball game. We made eye contact for a quick sec and he sat on the other side. Thankfully. Then, I turned around later and saw he was sitting behind me, up a few rows. Again, weird.

I can't believe I actually spent this much time even typing about him bc he is so insignificant in my life now. But, I guess bc he is the reason I came here, and its always interesting (for lack of a better word) watching the choices and behaviors of a MLCer.

There are other bits and pieces, but really... who cares...

D15 is doing well. She sees him occasionally. She saw the baby (now prob a year and a half!) once for a second. Hasn't really talked about it. She is busy with school, sports, and friends.

S19 is off to college. I can't believe how much he has grown in the past few months. He is right back on track of being the young man he was prior to bd. It took him a bit to come around, but boy, can I relate.

He does not speak to xh at all. He ran into xh in the grocery store one day. Xh was pushing a cart with the the little girl and xhh's son. S19 found out right then that he had a "little sister" as he said. Up to about two months ago (that day), he didn't even know the gender of the baby. I think that was a lot for him. Seeing his dad in that role, with other kids. He even said to me, "Mom, I can't think of a time when he ever took just me and [d15] to the store."

Whatever, people tell me sometimes about seeing xh and the two kids all over. Well, I don't know why people think I want to hear bout it, but... whatever. And I know his style- and that ain't it. He must be miserable.

He looks it.

I'm good. My new house is- MINE! My job is going well. Still working other jobs too. Still with NG. It's been over a year now. We don't live together or anything, but I see him a few times a week. My kids really like him and he is good to me.

My dad is off the wagon... totally. And it is def affecting my parents' relationship- again. Sorry that they divorced when I was young bc of it, and now... blah....

I have a very new perspective on life. And I've found a lot of my old self, which was buried and almost forgotten and left for dead!

Man, I feel like this post is so Debbie-downer-ish... and I totally don't mean it to be. I think maybe bc I have gone to a place I don't really go. talking about a negative thing in my life. BUT... that negative thing turned my life around to the most positive thing it could have ever been and that is my current life, my outlook on life, the revival of myself, and my future!

Thanks to those here who have helped me along the way! I will post to some of my friends here soon. I will try today, but what I have found is that I can only do certain things in sorter spans now... I know, I am a weird-o. That hasn't changed.

Oh yeah! About 4 months ago, xfil passed away. I don't exactly know what happened.

My kids told me. They asked their dad if hww could leave for like 10 min so they could go to calling hours and pay their respects. He said no. They didn't go. I didn't go.

I know it seems very awful of me not to recognize it, but it really felt like the right thing to do. I prayed about it.

He was not really a good man to his family. He never spoke to my kids. He took advantage of his own family, including us and never hesitated to "make off" from us or anyone. I will not say anymore, bc it isn't necessary, but I could.

I found, in the end, I didn't need to go. I told my kids I would go with them, if they needed to support them. They didn't.

It was their choice. I understood, but was supportive either way.

About a month laer, out of nowhere, xh told d15 that I was evil. I was baffled and dumbfounded! I had gone out of my way to not fight with him and not give him a reason to turn anyting on me. He made his choice, and I let him go do it. I just laughed and said, "What did I do??!!"

I think he's mad that I didn't give him the attention he wanted. And frankly, my dear...

I really don't want to sound cold-hearted. It wasn't like that at all... I really prayed hard about it. And I don't regret my decision at all. And that's what I encouraged my kids, don't do something you will regret. I don't think they do either.

Mighty!
So glad to hear you moved! I never regretted moving 45 minutes away, it feels great to know I'll never accidentally bump into my ex. (I did see him a year ago when helping middle son move; I didn't recognize him at first when he drove up ..... He just looked like some old white guy. My Tall Dark and Handsome boyfriend was helping us: apparently when I was out of the room TDH thanked my ex for divorcing me and told my ex that I was the best woman he'd ever met! )

I bet your D15 is happy with the move, it sounded like it was so tough on her with kids at school knowing the whole drama.

My youngest hasn't spoken to his dad in almost a year. My ex probably thinks I have something to do with it, but no. I've always tried to put a positive spin on ex's behavior and encourage a compassionate view - but youngest son sees ex for who he is and has a right to his opinion. He hopes to reconcile someday but feels his life is more peaceful right now without his dad's negativity in it.

I always felt like your H got trapped, and is doing his very long penance. Still he didn't have to neglect your own kids in the process of raising his new one; that's the part that really has repercussions.

My ex, on the other hand, went off in search of his MLC rewind. He met and married a woman 18 years younger, bought a duplex at the beach and lived his surfer paradise, partied with her thirty-something friends, etc. But reality has caught up; in the last year his wife's mom died unexpectedly, her father developed dementia, came to live with them, then they shipped him to her brother. Then promptly my ex's father was diagnosed with lung cancer, has just finished chemo. A lot of ugly reality and mortality intruding on that fantasy of pretending he was thirty again.

I'm glad you moved, I'm glad your kids are doing better, and I hope your NG is treating you like the princess you are. Xox

OMGGGGGGG!!!!! MY GIRL, MIGHTY!!!! So great to read your update!!!!

And soooooooo proud of you for letting go of the old house. That was a brilliant move for you, in my opinion. Totally relate to the fear of running into old ghosts!!! WOW!!!

I am smiling so big for you right now!! And doing a round-off back handspring into a full twist and YEAH, GB....STUCK THAT LANDING!!!

You sound like a completely new woman! And congrats on NG going well!!

Ok I'm going to read your post again slowly because I was too excited the first time

OMG! Great to hear from you, Mighty! I was wondering about you recently. Congratulations on your move and your new place! Now you don�t have to worry about bumping into someone, you are not close to your ex BIL, and your D doesn�t have to worry about someone at school knowing your story. It will probably take some time for your kids and you to heal from this horrible MLC shock, and I think you made the right decision to move to a new place.

As for your xh�s request for the �Army video� and not asking for the kids pictures� I think he is still deep in MLC lala land. I can only imagine how hard his awakening is going to be once it comes to it�

I�m so happy to hear that the things with NG are going well and the kids like him. Cheers!

Mighty, it's good to read of how well you are doing! I can recall reading your threads when I first started posting on the forum. It sounds like a great choice to move to a new place, where you can be out and about and just relax and get on with your day - good for you.

For me, XH and OW live miles away in a big city....I occasionally have to go there and I get irrationally scared about bumping into him/them/her. All of which is pretty unlikely, but I dislike going there now.

KML, I love that your guy said that to your XH - bless him for doing that!!!

Xx

Mighty!

It's so good to have an update from you. I'm so glad you sold your home and relocated elsewhere. You certainly needed a change and the change has been good for you and your children.

I'm very happy for you. You've come a long way and you are right where you need to be...in a peaceful environment.

Go girl!

Mighty - Wonderful to hear an update from your little corner of the world. Right after BD I followed you posts with such intensity because you showed such strength and empathy while dealing with MLC and the irrational/ridiculous reality of it all. I was in awe and thought the name "mighty" was so appropriate.

Glad you have bloomed in a new home and created a life that you can embrace. So happy to hear you are moving forward on your terms.

You guys made me all warm and fuzzy!

Ellie... I literally giggled and got all sorts of excited to hear from you! Aaaannnnnnd, I'm not really a "giggly" sort or chick... so... I think I'm excited to hear from you! I love that about your man. That is so awesome. And doesn't it feel so good to be with someone so different than your ex! You have always been an inspiration to me... and always so frank, real, and keen with this whole debacle. I really respect that. Thank you for that. And yes, NG is great. Everything dbex wasn't and couldn't ever be.

This happened for a reason. And for that, I am grateful.

Shining- I don't think I have to say a thing... you know what's up...

Hi Bright! How are you? You have always been so perceptive, and you are probably right. I hope things are going well for you and you are finding your way. You are such a sweet person and deserve great things. It was great hearing from you.

Hi Sotto.. thanks for checking in. Yes, moving was one of the best things I've ever done. I'm realizing now, reading all of the responses, how many lbs actually have to move for their own... sanity? Wow.

I know the feeling you have when you go into the city. I get really frustrated going certain places bc of that. I avoid the place I lived for 15 years. BTW, we moved there bc I had a family member there and it was close to where I grew up and a place I really wanted to live. So we went there and he lives there now with her. But whatever, I don't even care. However, going towards the city, where they live closer to and work, I get those feelings. Barf. I wonder if that will ever subside. I mean, I don't care about them, its just something... tainted by them. That's the only way I can describe it. And to date, I have never seen them together. Nor seen the "baby" or her, really, for longer than a minute in non-raging eyes.

Whow, I tend to digress here... Whoa, whoa, wow, wow!!! My fingers get-a-tappin!

Anyway, Sotto.. I hope someday you are able to enter the city carefree of that tainted feeling and anxiety. I know you recognize it as "irrationally scared" but I think that is a major part of what they do to us in this irrational situation.
Good luck and take care.

Hi job... your post was like a hug from mom after a long separation! Thank you... for everything...

Awwwwww... Gwen.... that was soooooo sweet. I don't know, hearing someone followed my sitch makes me slightly nervous! I'm glad you aren't judgmental! I don't know about strong, but an irrational/ridiculous situation it was! But, I must say, yest, I am moving forward on my own terms. I would have it no other way. And never will have it any other way again. I hope you are well. You have always been so sweet and sincere and I hope things are good for you now.

I just have to say how nice it was checking in here. Like visiting with old friends. I don't have any social media, that not my thing... but what this group here has done for me is truly amazing. Thank you so much. I still follow advice from many here and still appreciate the kick in the pants I'd sometimes get to get me going on my own path.

XXOO

Greetings, my fellow MLC shenanigan survivors!

Aahhhh... Autumn! My favorite time of year! Just got home from a trip to Michigan State where my 2sister in laws and daughter visited my niece. What a beautiful weekend!

With autumn, comes the many, many things I love... Along with some traces of... Stuff...

Post BD- three years, now. Can't even remember the exact day, and my brain no longer functions in a way to fish for those minute details...

Xh's bday...

And what would have been 20th wedding anniversary, yesterday...

Now! Let me say, I am in a place I could have never even imagined. Ever! Thank God!

I'm still drawn here. I have a place in my heart for the amazing cyber friend ships and support I have found here. And sometimes I just need that little bit of... Reality? Perspective? (One of my all-time favorites!) Encouragement?

Well... New developments? I can say that I continue to remain as dark as the universe allows. Even with 2 kids, we have no reason to communicate and xh has reached his limit to which his narcissistic ego will allow him to be ignored. S19 has no contact and is away at college. He's an adult and it's his choice. D15 and I moved to a diff town and I solely take care of her. 100%. Although she is limited contact, the have *something* and I stay out of it. It's more like an out of town uncle (even though she has a better r with my Bros)... But it is what it is and it's theirs. The most damaging part is his constant pushing of his new family on her. But she's working it out.

So, back to developments, as I'm less than a bi-stander or observer due to the lack of anything. I wouldn't have it any other way. It's best for me. Especially with a clearer understanding of co-dependent and narcissistic relationships.

So here it is:

1) xh in a very cowardly way, informed d15 he was bringing the baby to her vball games. D15 shut it down. The way it was done was nauseating- on his part. Honestly, I saw it coming. Pre-baby I could read this sitch like a book- I swear! She hates he was going nights to see her. And, of course dosent trust him, and clearly, what other way to make a statement? So you know... I know it would never sit well w her. Plus, he'd see me there w bf... Yadda yadda

What I know bout xh- he'd NEVER WANT to take a toddler ANYWHERE! Let alone by himself and to a volleyball game!

But, like I said, I saw it coming from the jump. I could go on, but why bother?!

Oh! But, even this! D15 said no way! He didn't really come anymore. I don't think it was allowed. Oh so sad... And unreal... To have someone come into a family, then decide when and how a father can see his daughter. Weird.

2) my brothers saw xh the other day. My oldest has not seen xh since this has all gone down... 3 years!!

Xh turned the corner and there they were. He walked up to them and put out his hand to shake. Bro said nope. Xh said, come on... Bro shoes him away with his hand. Oh I love him!

3) xh is getting married! Well, those of you who know me from around the way know how I would have handled that... Ha- it's whatev. I'm literally smirking right now.

Anyway, I'm doing this on my phone, and that's a lot to type on a phone!!

Cheers, my friends! New and old....

Love your bro! He didn't want to get icky MLC cooties on him!

It's sad that he can't just give your daughter his time and patience without trying to drag her into contact with his new family. But I guess that would mean admitting that he has some fault in creating this situation.

And the wedding......good luck with that. She's getting a cheater capable of prolonged deception, she's getting a guy who never would have stayed with her if she hadn't gotten pregnant.

You sound great though. Hope new bf is still treating you the way you deserve to be treated. You survived one of the worst sitches here, you deserve a medal!!!

Oh......and btw Mighty.......my ex apparently was having neck and shoulder pain and was discovered to have an old fracture in his neck. Now he can't surf... or bike.... or backpack. Pretty sure running is out too. Since surfing was his antidepressant, and a huge part of his lifestyle and image....I feel sorry for his wife. I'm sure he's miserable, and without his youthful surfer body the 18 year difference in their ages is going to start being more obvious.

I really don't wish him ill, I feel bad for him....but glad I'm not living with his anger and bitterness!

Ellie, hey there! Ya know, you and I think so much alike.

For one thing, it's pretty much my sentiment exactly- xh hardly spends any time w d15. So the time at her games- let it be her time, for crying out loud! It's the only parental "involvement" he has- watching her from the stands. Why can't that just be about her? I mean she wanted to change schools and leave her childhood home to get away... And he wants to follow her with crazy. Ugh...

Honestly, I don't think xh wants to bring the baby (if only to rub it in my face), but more so, I don't think hww likes him away without her control. That's her best attempt to have control. Plus, she can't trust him.

And the marriage, psh... Whatever. I get the life I deserve, and they get the life they deserve. Yeah, if it weren't for another round of child support, I can't imagine that really happening. And like I said- she's been pushing for that ring since he was married to me. She's in her late 20s now. Two kids w two different dads and never married. And live a superficial, phony life. Of course she wants that. Family has to fit the frame.

Bf is amazing. I have become very independent. And it's hard to let my guard down, but we are all good.

As far as your ex... I bet you are right... These things will start to increase the age-gap, I'm sure. It's nice you have such empathy. I wonder how the physical changes will go over with him. It may make him have to face some tough things... Or tailspin with some mental chaos.

Heck, maybe he will have an awakening!

More importantly... I feel ya... Sooooo grateful we don't have to deal with the negative, critical, angry, nonsense anymore. The ultimate blessing!

Now, on another note... My cousin, who has been mentioned on here since my first post, who has been, many time called, superman. The fighter of fighters... Has lost his last battle tonight.

Such a great man, he was. I'm sad.

But thank you, Ellie. Always a straight-shooter, and always so spot on... And have stood by me throughly this journey. See... Some of us are standers in other ways! And arguably in better ways!

Mighty - so sorry about your cousin - he sounds like an inspiring person.

You sound good and grounded, but I am not surprised - life gets better the further we are away from the madness!

One way or another it does catch up with them, but they tend not to have the resources to deal with it. Hugs

I'm very sorry to read that your cousin has passed away. I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.

I echo what Bea has posted.

Take care.

Sorry to hear about your loss Mighty .... but it warmed my heart to read about your sitch and how level you currently are.

Thanks bea and job! I'm heading out tomorrow for the calling hours and funeral. Luckily I have a large and wonderful family. We all pull together for good times and bad. I don't think it's always usual for large families to be as close. I am grateful and appreciative of that.

And yes, personally. things are going well for me. I am also thankful to those put in my path to hold my hand, guide me, give me strength, clarity, and comfort, make me smile, or give me a kick in the pants. Thank you for being part of that!

Hi Cali! And the above goes to you too! I briefly got a glimpse into your sitch, but would like to go back and take a better look when I can dedicate a little more time. D, huh? Well- in the grand scheme of things, for me, it was a drop in the bucket. I think you've been through the ringer, as well. And I don't mean to make it so callous. But, ya know, just don't put too much weight on the paper part. I think the finality of it is more ceremonial that it truly is. It dosent change the past, feelings, memories, or what could come. It seems like a good thing in the way to alleviate things for you so you can make legit plans for your future. Who know what that holds?

Anyway, best of luck, my friend. Many good things to come your way.

So sorry about your loss, Mighty.

Thanks Ellie

I can't believe that he still gets to me.

Ugh. I have completely moved on. He is an irrelevant factor. I have gone to great lengths for this to happen.

I laugh his nonsense off.

I'm infrequently exposed to it, yet I'm able to see it at face-value (which is entirely the depth of what he is).

However, when he tries to weasel his selfish, horrible ways into my kids' lives, I get so irritated.

Perspective: I am very aware it's their deal and they will figure it out and find their way and do what they need... and I support that. Yet, underneath, the real feelings are in turmoil. So, I have to let it out, come to acceptance, then, I tend to move on- at a much quicker rate, mind you.

Although, my experience in dealing with this has become less untrained as his presence is just on this side of non-existent.

Where this is coming from right now? Well, Mr. Wonderful, every once in awhile, will reach out to d15 trying to get her involved in his family life.

This time, he wants her to go to a holiday party with old friends of ours (my old neighbors who helped me out after xh left and no longer spoke w xh). So that was shocking, itself!

They also moved to a new location and have invited the happy little family to a party and xh wants to take d15 and a friend and said it would be "preferred" for her to stay the night (which she's only been there for a total of 10 min).

The choice is entirely up to d15, and if that's what she wants to do, then thats cool.

The whole thing just nauseates me, if I'm going to be honest. I know, it's the same old stuff we all have to go through. It's just so hard to wrap my head around... especially bc they are all so phony- just like the lives they lead. Which I'm unphased by at this point, but throwing d15 into the mix... parading her around in this charade is just annoying, to say the least.

OK, I think I've gotten it out. Sometimes I just need a safe place to vent still. I will be fine in like 10 minutes, I'm sure.

And MLC still ALIVE and WELL! Xh rolled up in a shiny new Camaro the other day.

Came to take d15 to breakfast. They spent 45 minutes together. I think its been a total of 2 hours in the past 4 months. Anyway, it was clear he was looking for a reason for a joy ride! Maybe show it off? I laughed. He looks pathetic.

Ah, girl. It's rotten, I know.

Just let your daughter make her own decision. And if she goes, just remember, in the long run it's probably better for her if she has some kind of relationship with her dad.

Hi Ellie! Thank you, and yes, you are correct. Also, rotten, it is!

Yes, I keep mum about ins and outs of the r that d15 and her dad forge. Trying to be positive, while finding the balance of protecting her... there is a very fine line. Usually, our conversations about it are VERY brief. She will give me a quick update, not looking for a response, but more of an ear. That's what I try to provide, allowing her to figure it out.

The most I've said is that she needs to NOT use him, as she knew she could pretty much get whatever she wanted the few times they would spend together a year, which mainly consisted of a trip to the mall.
I advised her that if she wanted to build a real r with him, then that's what she should do, but she shouldn't use anybody for anything. And contrary to what people have said about getting what she can from him, I feel that the focus need to be deeper, not materialistic. As far as that goes, she can go without or work for it herself. That was the biggest message I wanted to get across to her.

So her response to the Fun-Filled Christmas Event? Well, we hadn't discussed it, so I didn't know what to expect. And I never bring it up, I let her come to me.

Last night, d15 had a bball game. JV was still playing, so she was just watching. She came over to me and told me her dad was mad at her bc she is babysitting that night and can't go. He told her he was disappointed and knew she would cancel (but she never confirmed??? He asked her and she said she would let him know... ) Then she said, "Now he's leaving... look!"

I didn't even notice he was there. (Wow, times have changed from my PTSD days!) And I saw him walk out the door. He literally drove all the way from a different town, didn't see her play, and left bc she wasn't going. (Which he was texting her across the gym)

Unreal. There are so many levels I get upset about my d and how he constantly messes with her before her games and things. Things that should be about her, he always makes about him and his situation. I just want him to let her be. And the momma-bear in me wants to tell him to stop doing that to her... and to build a r with her without the drama.

However, I know it will fall on deaf, toddler ears. It will only be an opportunity for him to point a finger at me (which I don't care), and I just want him to support her... without strings attached. Ugh.

Hi Might,

I am happy to hear you are well. As a matter of fact, upon my quick catch up, I did a triple salchow, triple toe loop in your honor.

Enjoy the holiday season:)

Hi. I feel somewhat like an imposter. I don't know the newcomers 'round here... so I suppose they don't know me. I have poked in a little bit as of late. No reason in particular. Kind of checked out Ownit a lil' bit... I can relate. Saw Heather in the mix- HEY GIRL!

My beloved vets still status quo with life-time advice I still pull from my pocket...

I don't know. It's a journey to say the least. I can't say I'm struggling anymore... as the struggle was REAL! But, its funny-ish how the cycling still continues. Just differently. Quite differently.

It used to be that about every three months... after the ultimate chaos, I could plan on something going down. I mean, I am still the champion of NC. I am competitive, and like being a champion (jk... kind of), but the NC was more about survival. And at this point more about necessity. Not that I NEED to be NC, but I haven't had a need TO contact. Simple as that. Even so, with NC, about every 3 months, something would stir. That is, until things really settled down. I moved, started a new life and all that jazz.

Anyway, personally, lately, my mind has been wondering. Not missing or regretful, or sad, or anything particular, really. It's just been taking me on a roller coaster ride. I don't necessarily dig that. With that, all of a sudden, things have been poking up!

I need to backtrack for a sec.. cuz that's my brain.

I started a new life. In a new town. A new house. New whatever.
Recently, my xsil's contacted me and want to go to dinner. I haven't seen them in over 4 years- almost 5. XBIL, who lived next door to me and I NEEDED to move away from (partly why I moved last year) is now my mailman in my new town. SAY WHAT?! He wasn't a mailman before and lives in a different county. Like the odds of him getting THIS route?!

After much agonizing, I have decided to take xh back to task. I have contacted my l and sending out official stuff soon bc he is not holding up to everything he should, financially. I cut my losses and really took some severe financial devastation in order to just move on. The fact that with that, and him not withholding his end of the deal is trash. Albeit, I haven't completely pushed the issue, I'm sick of him getting away with being a snake.

So, it took some time to prepare myself and a few meetings w my l, who is now on vacation. It should go out soon.

Ironically... I have since found out the following has happened in the past 6 months

(Actually knew a few prior): Two vacations in 4 months; engagement ring; new, very expensive sports car; new very expensive suv,

Now I learned, the just installed a new inground pool, have a wedding in a month (prob a honeymoon attached)

My point is two-fold. One, they have a lot of money going out as of late.. on top of very expensive living and lifestyle. And we are living a TOTALLY different lifestyle than usual. Seems he's upgraded while we downgraded. BUt really, who cares.

Just crummy for s20 now who works 60 hours construction (ironwork) all summer to try to pay for his own college (with my help, also working numerous jobs), and his dad won't help him out at all.

Secondly, just found out about wedding. Just something to process. But simply that.... ya know....

Then, today... as I was traversing back into my old town, where remains of my past still exist, along with a few things I haven't replaced... like my dr, where I was headed today, I saw hww. This was quite an unusual occurrence. I probably would have a very difficult time picking her out of a line-up. But, knowing what I know of her... over-processed, greasy hair. The style. The look. In her mom's neighborhood. I know. And the feeling. I just know. AND, I didn't pull over and kick her @ss. I know. That doesn't happen here. I and I now better. Something primal in me though... when dealing with her... ugh.

Anyway, I haven't been able to shake this feeling over the last couple of weeks. I always feel it when something is about to go down. Or shake up. Or whatever.

Then I hear from sil's, xh comes around, decide to go to l, find out wedding is around the corner, then see her.

(The irony isn't lost upon me that I was headed to the dr's to get another check-up as I still haven't been cleared from surgery.. how long ago?? from THEM)

This is really after quite a long time of nothing.

D16 went to dinner with him recently (as she does about every 6 weeks ago or so.. quality time, I supppose). She told me a few days later that she asked him a question and told him she didn't care if he was uncomfortable.

D16: Do you miss the 4 of us being together?

XH: yeah

D16: Do you miss mom's family?

XH: To be honest, yes.

D16: Do you really miss being with mom too? You aren't just saying that?

XH: Yeah, sometimes

Honestly, it took her a few days to tell me. And it makes me sad to think about what prompted her to even ask those questions. And it's kind of... ugh... whatev

I don't know, guys. I don't know that anyone will read this. It may be insignificant at this point. It's just crazy to me... this journey it takes you on. I can hear the vets.. and got to a place where I never though I would, simply as an unemotional, detached bystander. Then, every once in a while... things feel a little weird. Not anything like before. But I guess more like a cliffhanger... like, what's next?

Life sure is interesting...

Mighty!!!!!!

Good to hear from you, girl. I cannot BELIEVE your ex-bil is now your mailman!!!

It's rotten to hear that he's spending all this money but not helping son with college. My youngest hasn't spoken to his father in two years, all the financial help he needs falls on me (son is struggling with serious depression and anxiety).

I think it makes it way harder that he's still with the OW. At least, thank god, my ex married someone he met a year after we split. I feel kinda sorry for her but hope she will care for my ex in his old age.

I haven't had to speak with him in quite some time. Just some emails last year because he was sending me some papers I had to sign about a piece of land in Mexico that he got in the divorce. I like it that way. I hear he's had a lot of unhappy events in his life the last two years. ( His much younger wife's parents died, his father diagnosed with lung cancer, his stepfather died, his mom diagnosed with Parkinson's, and him diagnosed with an old fracture in his neck, which means he can't surf. )

I don't wish him any ill, but I'm glad he's not my problem any more. I hope he's able to heal his relationships with the kids but that's not under my control.

Just don't fall into the trap of thinking it's all roses and champagne over there. You know she trapped him in that relationship with her pregnancy. If he was that enthusiastic he'd probably have married her long ago. She's probably being Bridezilla and he's probably buying stuff still trying to make himself happy.

I'm glad you're standing up to him on the financial stuff. Just let your lawyer handle it and get back to living your life. Dream some dreams! Do something new! The more we let go and allow ourselves to dream our own dreams, the more good stuff happens.

Hey Lady!!!!

Sounds like a mixed bag of events.

Not quite the Romeo and Juliet story I envisioned at 19.

Unless Romeo finally caves to his lifelong obsession with marijuana and alcohol--in part due to childhood trauma-- and Juliet takes the two kids and moves to North Carolina. And, Romeo lives in misery and regret and HEAVY denial for the rest of his days looking about 40 years older than he is.

Maybe that was the alternative ending?

Aww, Mighty - you had a rough go of it, you never really got much resolution, the way your ex hid his affair, did the touch and go, the OW getting pregnant. I understand.
But the mantra that got me through my divorce was this: let go or be dragged. Once I truly let go, I was able to move forward.

I know you'd like to see him punished. But living well really is the best revenge. My ex has the beach house and the hot young wife and the income that's twice mine. But as I mentioned above, that idyllic life didn't last long before the reality of mortality reared its ugly head.

Meanwhile, I've made my way. I've had my dating adventures ( and misadventures!) but I wouldn't trade the experiences. I don't have the disposable income my ex does, but my finances are in good shape nonetheless. I've made progress professionally, and have been fortunate to learn to play drums and vibraphone and have toured with a professional singer-songwriter friend. Tonight I played with her in a prestigious local venue - one I have aspired to play at ( and a venue where I have seen many famous acts in the past).

My point is - letting go, and accepting that my ex was gone on his own path, and that I wasn't responsible for him anymore - freed me to pursue a life that I would never have had with my ex.

What are you doing in your life for YOU right now? What do you aspire to? What would you do if you knew you couldn't fail. You

Mighty

Always good to see some updates from those who have been at this for some time. We figure things out and roll up our sleeves and attempt to go on about our 'new' lives but its hard if not impossible to check that mirror to see who is tailgating us from time to time.
I agree with the sentiment above, seems he is simply trying to fill the empty with the new rush, car, SUV, pool, wedding.
I do hope you come back more often and keep us posted as with so many here its good to see where people are several years past BD though the trend and urge is to just move on.

Originally Posted By: Mighty

Ellie! Hey, girl! OMG, when I see you post to others, I'm so like... yeah, this girl calls it. Like totally. So on it. Your perceptions are so accurate an on. You'd be so totally the chick I'd hang with if you were close by.

And yeah, he's my freaking mailman. I mean.. the odds?? Couldn't get far enough away from this person.

I like my h's only sibling but this^^ would make me nuts.

Ya know, guys... things are good with me too... but there is a part of me that struggles that I rarely acknowledge Its the one waiting for everything there to crash and burn. Donno if its part of a survival tactic I've developed or what... but honestly.... ugh...

I think you are still trying to make sense of a big event in your life. A huge injustice. And most of us have felt this or still are.

Your d spoke to him (indirectly) about this and it is probably as close as he'll get to admitting he screwed up. The shiny outer facade is pretty meaningless. If I remarried and the guy was a billionaire, I would not then think "i won!"

And if your h can hurt the people who loved him the most, and emerge unscathed, then he is not one to feel anything in depth. Or authentically.

And if he is haunted by what he did and simply won't ever tell you or tell anyone, then so be it. I mean, it's sort of either or. Maybe I'm only saying this to console myself (and I for sure am partly for that!) I have no secrets in my life.

I cannot make sense of this type of behavior in another way. Your h can have those haunted feelings every time there is a big event, good or bad. Graduations, weddings, funerals, and other life events, -

every time he has one big event only with his new life/new fan base, he knows it's not the "original" one. That it might have been with the "real" family, but for his choices...so he can have a life filled with second guessing.

And if you all share a family event with him, he will always be the one who left, who knows that he blew up the original family and - for what? Her greatness? Ugh...

or More money?? Oh wait, about that money, some of is what he withholds from you and the kids you share...

when the day comes that someone (you) actually calls him on it, it might be the first time it occurs to him that he's selfish and oblivious. Oh well.

But to be clear, there's a better than even chance he just won't go there at all - keeping his observations shallow. There is a good chance he cannot look deeply within and face the wreckage he created, and thus he must hide a part of himself even from himself.

I think the best second guessing is what he'll do when he knows you are happy and content.

Maybe it'll get easier when your d16 is out of the house --but that has a downside too, obviously

I keep on keeping on. Never want that mess back... but I just feel this sort of unresolved garbage. Not entirely sure what to do with it. I do me. I'm happy. But it's always on the back-burner, and no matter what I try to make of it or ignore it.. it persistently simmers. There... always... will it ever stop?

God I sure the simmers stop, and I'm not even at the one year BD mark.

As for your other remarks, which I identify with a lot, I will quote Caroline Myss and a dear friend and late great poster here - Jack3Beans (RIP) b/c I found them all helpful and comforting. I hope you will as well.

**I hope the LBS realizes that many of the 'why' questions they absolutely think they have to have an answer too...they really do not. Everyone dies with unanswered questions, but that doesn't prevent us from living. Why should these?

In many cases the WAS answers are NOT good enough for the LBS anyway, so they keep digging, and damage any repairs that have been made.

Stop asking.

Caroline Myss --
"Endless questioning is endless suffering."

Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. -

Mighty

PS

my s31 sent me the Rhianna video of her song "b1tch better gimme my money", so that I'd be more motivated to get appropriate spousal support (as opposed to the zero h is offering).

The video is hilarious in context, and is now my new fighting song. You may want to check it out.

((( )))

Mighty, my sweet, you know this is a process. It takes time.

I'm at 5.5 years, 2 years post divorce, and it's just now starting to feel like normal is once again achievable.

Grief and PTSD are my old friends. They live on either side of me. We have learned to do things together, as opposed to my pretending they don't exist. I took them to this cool champagne bar/used bookstore last weekend.

I think we have scars from this journey--scars that prove we loved hard and we didn't take it laying down when our spouses went wackadoo.

I can't wait to see what good things are around your corner. Asheville is only a short drive away :-)

Seriously??? A champagne bar/ used bookstore??? Most. Brilliant. Idea. Ever.

Seriously. SUPER FUN. Mimosa and weird champagnes and coffee and other stuff in case you don't drink. All in a old building packed with used books. Battery Park.

We have a "yarn" shop that now has a liquor license. People go in, knit, crochet, etc., and can indulge while they are there. I think a used book store w/an assortment of liquor as well as coffee and some snacks would be a hit.

And if your h can hurt the people who loved him the most, and emerge unscathed, then he is not one to feel anything in depth. Or authentically.

And if he is haunted by what he did and simply won't ever tell you or tell anyone, then so be it. I mean, it's sort of either or. Maybe I'm only saying this to console myself (and I for sure am partly for that!) I have no secrets in my life.

I cannot make sense of this type of behavior in another way. Your h can have those haunted feelings every time there is a big event, good or bad. Graduations, weddings, funerals, and other life events, -

every time he has one big event only with his new life/new fan base, he knows it's not the "original" one. That it might have been with the "real" family, but for his choices...so he can have a life filled with second guessing.

And if you all share a family event with him, he will always be the one who left, who knows that he blew up the original family and - for what? Her greatness? Ugh...

or More money?? Oh wait, about that money, some of is what he withholds from you and the kids you share...

when the day comes that someone (you) actually calls him on it, it might be the first time it occurs to him that he's selfish and oblivious. Oh well.

But to be clear, there's a better than even chance he just won't go there at all - keeping his observations shallow. There is a good chance he cannot look deeply within and face the wreckage he created, and thus he must hide a part of himself even from himself.

I think the best second guessing is what he'll do when he knows you are happy and content.

Thank you 25 for this ^^^.

This is "stuff" is one of the pots that simmers on my backburner. All. The. Time.

It is incomprehensible to me that someone can be disconnected from themselves that they can look away from the carnage they have created. My therapists assures me there are those out there that do this and do it rather well.

The denial or self absorption or inability to reflect or lack of insight, whatever it is, runs so deep, as does the pain, that they just cannot do it.

I often wonder how this translates to other areas of their lives?

One of the great things about detachment is it does eventually help you step back from 'how could they do this' to 'what kind of person would do'. I think when you're reeling from the rollercoaster, it is hard to see the wood for the trees. Or to remember the normal bell curve of adult behaviour...we literally forget what normal looks like while we are trying to make sense of our spouse's words and actions.

It isn't normal or healthy to make life-changing choices without thinking of the effects on you and others. It isn't normal or healthy to create carnage and think it is someone else's job to tidy it up. It isn't normal or healthy to blame others for the consequences of your own actions. It isn't normal or healthy to hurt people and feel no need to say sorry or take actions to stop or make amends. It isn't normal or healthy to think that only your needs matter or to walk away from people who love you with no remorse or empathy.

People do it because they are not normal or healthy people. Might be just for a while, might be for ever. You and me couldn't do it, and that's why this stuff is so hard to understand, because we are essentially normal, healthy functioning adults. My H has been seeing a $350 an hour psychiatrist for almost 2 years. He claims this week that he has 'vanquished his demons' and gained 'insight'...evidentally not because his behaviour is still a million miles from a normal healthy adult, even one that has created carnage and is now trying to deal with it. What's that work out at? About $20000 roughly. If I were him, I'd be asking for a refund!

Wow! Like a big hug from old friends... Thanks, guys. I'm smitten...

Ellie, thanks for that reminder. You told me to let go or be dragged many moons ago and it def helped me. The thought of being dragged behind that hot mess express was more than cringe-worthy, and I dropped it quickly!

I suppose every once in a while I walk over to that wretched rope and start to reach for it. You were like the momma bear reminding her cub- DANGER! Don't you even! I ran away. Thanks for that. I know I can count on you.

Hi Cali! Great to hear from you. And I agree, I think progression is good to keep an eye on. For awhile I thought, "Wow! how do some of the posters get over it?" Then I got really ahead of myself and thought, "Wow! How do some of the posters still feel like they cycle after so many years?" Now, I get it. You get over it... but.... yeah..
Hope you are well, my friend!

25- Whoa. I read your post a few times. You nailed it. Some good stuff there. And you certainly refreshed my thoughts with some good old fashioned perspective.

I often think, he's gotta be a pretty lonely guy inside. He's lost a lot, regardless of whatever monetary gains he thinks he can use to fulfill... but I'm not entirely convinced they will do the trick. But it's all speculation on my part, and none of it should or does even matter. I am living a good life. I'm def happier and doing things the old me would have pursued, prior to the stifling marriage I participated in. So that's a good thing. (See Ellie! I'm doing it, girl!)
However, part of me has simply died, I think. Things I used to love to do, I just don't anymore. And I can't explain why. I want to, but
I just don't find enjoyment in many things. I have tried to revitalize my feelings there, and it's dead. Ugh. That stinks. But thanks, 25, for the thoughtful post. I appreciate your time and thoughts. And yeah, get it Rhianna! This will be my wedding gift to him.

HEATHER! You aren't going to believe this! I was invited to Asheville this fall! My aunt lives there. My cousin has a business 2 miles from Battery Park! OMG! Girl, I have an email for you, but I think it was
through your previous employer. Hmph... gotta work on this. Oh! and
you sound so fab. I wouldn't expect anything less. You are awesome.

Fighton- sorry you are struggling. And yeah, how they can carry on with the disaster left behind. Unreal.

I recently thought about the literal disaster left behind. On top of the family destruction, our house was torn up. Roughed-in additions,
untouched. We didn't have insulation for 3 winters. Where I live, that unreal. We went without a kitchen for a long time. We kept a fridge in the garage, but no oven or stove or even kitchen sink. We kept dishes in a laundry basket and washed them in the bathroom. Pretty different life then the one he was living as he and hww were setting up shop and playing house. How he can live with that is beyond me.

Treasure- you are right. And I did spend a lot of time reading into his actions, thinking of the why's and how's and even making assumptions and worse... excuses. Fact is, it is what it is.. and I just would never put up with that from anyone. Just took me awhile to decide I wouldn't put up with it from him either. He's sick. She's sick. They can have each other.

Meanwhile: xh was going to take d16 shopping yesterday. No shocker there. Although she has tempered down the mall excursions with dear ol' dad, he was using he opportunity on various levels.

He said he was taking her 3 hours away to the biggest mall in the state. She was like, alright, whatev... The day before he said hww and her son were going too. She was like, no. He said the whole trip was actually her idea and she arranged it and they are spending the night. He just never relayed that part to d16. Turns out, her son will be starting kindergarten, so of course she has to take him to the biggest mall in the state and spend the weekend shopping for a 5 year old. BC.... that's how they roll. Everything I want my kids NOT to be.

So, d16 asked if they could just spend the day together doing something else. Just the 2 of them. She even offered to go to his house and just hang out since no one else would be there. He said no, he's going with them. So, another opportunity to spend a day with d16, and he opted out- making a choice to spend a day in over-indulgence with her son, buying $50 dinosaur tee-shirts or something, over spending some real quality time with his daughter. Eh, some things never do change. D16 spend the day fishing, instead. Yeah, my kid has a fondness for fishing these days. Not sure where this comes from, exactly, and I find it humorous. But, she did inform me, "Ya know, mom... how you like to go by the water and think and have some peace... it's like that. I like to go there too, but I like to fish too because it gives me something to do while I'm there." It's entertaining.. and s20 and I get a kick out of it. If you saw d16, you wouldn't necessarily imagine- fisherman! But, go girl! Do you!

Thanks, guys.... xxoo

Quote:

Turns out, her son will be starting kindergarten, so of course she has to take him to the biggest mall in the state and spend the weekend shopping for a 5 year old.

Seriously? A 5 year old? WTF happened to going to Target or Kohl's?

OK - now you KNOW that your ex is going to end up broke and in debt if he marries someone with these financial priorities. And you can just laugh all the way to the bank when you're enjoying your well-deserved stable retirement, when the time comes.

So serious, Ellie. Materialistic, entitled, vain, self-indulged, shallow on another level. Unimaginable... its disgusting.

In other news... I get to do whatever tf I want! Yay me! Yay you!

Yay us!!!!!

We get to step away from the train wreck and set our own path.

Clearly xh received the letter from my lawyer, as I got 2 wonderful texts from him today. Not used to that as I think there have been 2 text exchanges in the past 2 years (both at tax time).

Anyway, was called a "blood sucking loser" blah blah blah... and everything will be exposed that he has documented on me... which is funny as i reign supreme as queen of no contact (clearly self-proclaimed).

Unfortunately, it brought our something I haven't had happen in awhile... started shaking, nervous, yadda yadda.. I don't miss that feeling. I'm stronger now though and told myself all the cool things I needed to for perspective and a reality check... and even though he has nothing on me, I know he's threatening bc he's scared. It can't work like that any more. So I went about my business, only to get another love note an hour later... a reminder that I'm a "pathetic individual" and that I need to move on with my life and leave him alone. Whelp, I've heard that line before, leave me alone... three years ago when I called him out for something. He's so mature. And like I bother him all the time or something. I have literally ignored him for two and a half years. And prior to that only spoke with him when he was peaking out of the tunnel... and nothing before that.

Whatev...

Also got a call from my dr. Have to go back for another biopsy from my surgery 3 years ago... never cleared. Ugh... another treasure left behind by Mr. Wonderful.

Stress stinks!

Boy he's projecting all over the place . Substitute "I" for "you" in his statements to get their true meaning.

Btw intravaginal vitamin D can help with cervical changes.

I thought projection too tbh

Mine loves to tell me to get on with my life and to threaten. When the threatening begins I can smell the fear. I almost enjoy the threats now because of it. I hope your health situation gets resolved quickly.

Well that's a charming response from him isn't it.....not! Ugh....

Glad you were quickly able to work through your own feelings & hope the medical problem gets sorted quickly

Xx