I am posting an update on my 'emerging from MLC probably' xh.
This is eleven years on. It takes a long time (not necessarily this long), and who he now is very different.
I have no doubt that he had a MLC (I did doubt it at times during the whole process). But he isn't the man he was, and in the words of one of his sons 'he now seems to have a personality disorder'.
He is nicer, wants to have some connection with his family, realises he behaved 'monstrously' (his words), and knows he has lost a lot, but because he hasn't done the work, the issues that sent him into the crash and burn are still unresolved.
I truly do not think I lived with a dysfunctional human being for thirty years, but I could not live with who he is now (and he hasn't asked me to -let's be clear!!)
I suppose what I am saying is that even when the crisis finally subsides they aren't necessarily through with what drove them into it.
Some do work through their issues, no doubt about it, and reconciliation can happen. But the end of the crisis does not seem to mean that they have done.
I do not regret ever, giving this my best shot. I certainly do not want to depress anyone. I have some answers, but I am more than ever convinced that this crisis comes out of deep unresolved issues from their upbringing and has nothiing whatsoever to do with us and their children.
Hi Bea,
Thanks for posting - I've been thinking about you and your long-running post-MLC saga.
I'm now more than 5 years post, and no sign of any form of insight / realisation from xh.
It seems to me that mlc-ers do tend to 'come back' to their family in some way or another at some point - from what I've read here in many posts.
However, as you know, this can take a long, long time and, when they do return, it may not be with much insight / growth.
I feel more or less indifferent to xh now, but so sorry for my kids.
Effectively, it is as if we never existed. Not sure how kids will ever get over this form of bizarre abandonment.
At this stage, your experience of your xh as being nicer, wanting to have some connection with his family, and also realising that he behaved 'monstrously' is something I can only dream of for my kids.
Something like this may eventually come, but I've learned that it's a waste of time to keep wondering when it might happen. A pretty basic lesson, I suppose - you can only control yourself; but a useful life lesson nevertheless.
Bea,
I'm glad you returned to post a bit. I hope that you've been enjoying some peace and quiet over the summer. How's the gardening going? I hope that you and your family are doing well.
Your xh sounds like he's finally settling down just a wee bit and has come to realize all that he's lost. Some do the necessary, hard work and others don't. Those that don't are the ones that may stumble along in life and never be truly happy.
Bea, you gave the situation your best shot. You did everything you could and it came down to the fact that it was all about him. You, your children and the relationship were not the problem. We walk the path for many years, thinking that we may have triggered the crisis or if we had done something differently, etc., but when we do finally cross over to another path, step back and finally look back, we come to realize it's not about anything we could have done differently to prevent it. The crisis was going to come sooner or later and something in the universe triggers it for them.
Bea, your xh lost a wonderful, kind, compassionate and intelligent woman. He is slowly becoming aware of what he's lost.
Take care.
I think that the storm part of the MLC is over, the worst stuff, but not the crisis itself.
REPLAY or escape and avoid it over, but he still
has lots to process and go through to finish the crisis.
Great to hear that he finally is coming through.
Thanks for the update.
Thank you for the post
It still gives some hope that after 9 years of this maybe my X will reconnect with his kids
but I know it is Gods plan and not mine
whatever is best
Glad things are calmer in your arena though
Bea,
It is always nice to hear from you! I guess, as he makes progress, things are finally settling and peace is restored?
I totally understand why you would not live with who he is now.
That was my mind reset button every time I did not know what to do anymore. " Would I chose this man, the one he is today, as a partner? ". The answer was always the same, to this day.
We keep the good memories of the creation of our family and we can only hope that their MLC did not affect our children to the point of having their own MLC in their future. That is my prayer to God !
You are an amazing lady Beatrice! Thank you for sharing with us.
Bea - Thanks for posting. You offered some great insight and real comfort. You are so generous with your thoughts. It really helped me today.
Thank you Bea. Thank you.
wow, I was busy for a few days, and a lot of nice posts!
Contact is sporadic, and it is as if he needs to know that we are all there. I haven't heard anything for a month, but he pops out periodically. He is married to someone else, and I often wonder why he needs to stay in contact, but it seems he does . . . . My life isn't remotely what I thought it would be, or even what I thought I wanted, but I have met some great people and have some very good times. We do the work for ourselves and our children.
We are survivors that is for sure!
Hi Beatrice!
You sound like you are doing great.
I posted an update today, but there is really nothing new in my sitch.
We do not talk and I prefer it that way. Plus, there is no sign of her waking up...maybe she never will. It has been almost six years.
Thanks for the update.
Tad
Mine is peeking periodictly to but he really got me mad not long ago. I am getting ready for another back draft. We will know in a week or 2 if he is loosing his job. I a m not woory for me and my kids. I envision this day 7 years ago. I was smart and prepared myself for a situation like this. We are good even without his support. Him, on the other hand, i worry about..
Oops. I was not planning to say so.much on your thread.
I got on a roll.. sorry about that.
I am looking forward to reading your future updates. It does get better.. for us anyway!!
Bea, thanks for the update and for another insight into MLC journey. I think it is great that your xh is trying to reconnect with his children. As for the issues he still needs to resolve… I’m with you… the MLC is not over until this process is complete. I think Cadet nailed it precisely! I just cannot imagine this going on for this long, eleven years…
It’s been 4 years for me since BD. I see the same pattern, as my H has been pretty nice most of the times and he tries to reconnect with the family… some… at least with my son and his GF. It also looks like he is trying to keep as much connection with me as possible. But… there is nothing more than that… So, I’m just moving along with my life.
Bea, I’m always looking forward to your updates. I can relate to what you mean when you say that your life is not what you thought it would be, but at the same time there are so many good things that happened on this journey, including meeting a lot of great people. At least for me… I made so many great friends, including folks on this board.
Take care!
I don't often see many familiar names but yours is one. Job is right--you gave it your best shot. That is why I have said you will not regret trying your best. Even if you fail, you did your best.