A new chapter beginning in my life so appropriate time for a new thread.
Old thread: The book of Lou - Chapter 5
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2679449&page=1Tomorrow starts the first day of the next chapter in my life - being a part time student
I managed to get enrolled on a lower level bridging course which strangely gets me to the same point as the higher level one I was turned down for! so in Jan 17 I will have the necessary qualification to start a Diploma or Degree. I have not done study for many many many ....years lol, so I am entering this with a mixture of nerves and excitement.
I need to make sure I plan my time well, my work hours are the not the greatest to work study around, but I know my job is not for the long term, I am looking at changing a few things in my life, so for now I just have to muddle through as best I can.
It was my Birthday this week. I have taken a few days off work and have had some good R&R. I had a lovely day and was blessed with some beautiful cards and gifts from my g/friends and my children.
H news - contact continues, our friendship is growing stronger, we chat more and while I have been off its been more regular as I have been available in the evenings when he has the time to chat. He has been going through a rough time at work and I have tired to give him some support and distraction from the challenges he has right now. Whilst I am still removed, I will now feel the sadness of losing a friend if we dont find our way back together, as I know that for me to move forward with my life completely, h can't be in it, I recognize that I care and love him too deeply to be able to just be friends. The more we talk and interact with each other the more "normal" it feels and it will be a loss for me again now. But I suppose this is the part of giving us a chance, you have to open your heart up to allow the love in ,but opening it up gives the possibility of it being broken again.
He text me on my b/day, wished me a Happy Birthday, I thanked him, he replied that he sincerely apologizes for not getting me anything but after giving the boys money to make sure they got me something the piggy bank is empty. I told him that there was no need to apologize, just the fact he remembered, he reminded the boys and then got them organised, means the world to me.
In the past he would have just used his cc to get something but lately its all been about paying down all the debts he racked up while MIA, so much so he has given up his beloved car and exchanged it for a sensible A-B family economical car - which for a complete petrol head is a big deal! He is doing really well with the debts and it wont be long before they are cleared if he continues to keep a check on needless spending. This has been a big change with him, its good change and I hope is one that is here to stay regardless of what happens with us.
Right now, I feel in a calm place. Its been 2 years since he got in his car and drove away, so much has happened, so much changed. I never expected to be where I am, doing what I am and with him back in my life again. I can't say I am really Happy, but I am OK and I have faith that Happy is not far away.
I am aware that I dont comment on many posts at the moment, I dip in and out of the forum and keep up to date with as many threads as possible. I know that the possibility of having h back in my life interests many of you, so I will keep you updated as often as I can with how things progress ...or not as the case may be! General life is not so exciting, just settled into a every day routine and for now things are calm, which feels odd as its been a while; a bit boring (oh yes, I did say boring lol) as I have got used to so much crazy going on in my life
Love and hugs to all you amazing beautiful people here. You are always in my thoughts xoxo
Lou,
Happy Belated Birthday! I'm glad you had a nice day.
I'm looking forward to reading how the course goes for you. I'm sure you'll enjoy it and will no doubt ace the course. You've got a goal and this is the first step toward reaching that goal. It may take a few years to get a Degree, but when you do, you'll have so much to be proud of.
I'm also glad that your h is still working on himself. It takes a lot of time and yes, it's difficult to consider them friends when you have a lot of contact and it appears that things are settling down in a good way. I do hope he continues to work on his finances and one day, hopefully get himself together and want to reconcile w/you.
Lou, you are an inspiration to all who read your threads. You've overcome some difficult obstacles along the way, and yet, you are accomplishing so much.
Good luck today and I am sure you will meet some new people who will also become good friends from your class. Be sure to take some time out to take care of yourself too.
Hi Lou and Happy Birthday!
Thank you for coming back time to time to post updates. You have been a great example to me on how to lay low and let things play out while continuing to move along. I absorb all you say, and though I struggle tremendously through this!, your posts help me to refocus. So thank you again!
Things sound positive for you in your world, I am happy for you
Lou, so pleased to hear about your course starting - an exciting new chapter for you. Many happy returns to you too!!
I'm glad to hear about how things are going with your H. It's good news about the debt too, and for him to be making wiser spending choices is really encouraging.
Great to hear things are going in a positive direction for you. I always enjoy reading your updates. Xx
Lou, happiest of birthdays to you, albeit a tad late! May this coming year bring you health, happiness, love and joy and only the good kind of excitement
Isn't it funny how you end up at the same place even though you're taking a different class? Pay attention to that - there's a lesson in there, I'm sure!
I'm glad that you and H continue to move forward. I marvel at your patience and am in awe of it, really, as I'm not sure I would have that.
Despite it being many years since you've been in school remember that you have greater motivation now. I have absolutely no doubt you will not only do fine, but will excel!!
Much love to you from across the globe xoxoxo
Thank you for the Birthday Greetings job, mleigh, sotto and bttrfly, you are my cheerleaders and my rocks, I am grateful to you all.
This is just a quick update as some of you may find it interesting. Its an h update:
So after a couple of weeks of h being a bit dark I received an email from him, the short version is that he went to see his new therapist after our weekend and they talked about various subjects, she concluded that this was possibly depression (no kidding Sherlock, I could him told him for free years ago!!) and urged him to see his Dr. He spent a week talking himself into going and when finally did his Dr (who he really has faith in) confirmed that he has multiple signs of depression.
The Dr recommended AD but wants h to go away and think about it first, he advised to continue with the therapy, take up activities that remove his thoughts from general everyday life and start doing more exercise.
H has taken on board all of this and is being proactive while he decides about the AD.
He wanted to apologize for not making our situation higher on his priority list right now, but that this is a lot to get his head around, that he has to accept that he is not superman and its ok to be overwhelmed, its ok not to be in control of everything and micromanage his world. For h this has been HUGE to be told he has depression and that most likely its the reason he changed his whole life.
So I finally have my answer - that this man who completely out of the blue and out of character for him seemingly decided one day that he could not do "us" anymore. In fact, he couldn't and not only that, he couldn't do life anymore. His head was telling him to get out, to leave it all behind, which he did. But really HE did not leave, which is why his feelings for me are still there, its because they never left, this fog of depression descended upon them and his life and smothered them all. He got a jolt of reality when his dear friend died tragically and that lifted the fog enough for not only his hidden feelings for me to surface, but also other buried ones.On top of that it gave him enough clarity to look at the life he created after leaving his old life and the pain and destruction he caused by doing so. He has to deal with all that he has done and own it and that is such a hard thing to have to do, I don't envy his journey at all.
It puts a whole new perspective on things, I see him struggling with all of it and feel so sad that I cannot take it away. I can only support as best I can, be as understanding as I can and allow him to work through this without pressure.
So the long road continues, but it continues with a little more knowledge.
Hope everyone had a good weekend. As always you are all in my thoughts and prayer xoxo
Lou, happy belated Birthday, my fellow Gemini! I thought I posted this to your thread earlier, but apparently I didn’t. Thanks for posting the update.
The more we talk and interact with each other the more "normal" it feels and it will be a loss for me again now.
This is interesting… as I feel the same way sometimes. My sitch is different, but the increased communication with my H does feel “normal”… most of the times, as there were not all these years (almost 4!) since he walked away.
I’m happy to hear that your H is working on himself and taking care of his depression and other issues. This is a huge step! I have a lot of hope for both of you.
I’m wishing you a great success in your study towards your degree! This sounds exciting! You can do it Lou!
Thanks for dropping by Bright, lovely to hear from you.
I am glad I am not the only one who feels this way! I can only describe it as if h is on deployment (he was airforce) and we would have our weekly/bi weekly catch up. We talk about our week, what is in-store for the weekend, what is going on with our kids, have a joke or be cheeky, wish each other a good week, take care and love you. It continues on this way, only now I don't have a rough date of his return, its all pie in the sky, possibly never.
Bizarre huh !!
Oh and thank you for the good wishes for my study, I am not quite at studying degree level yet, but have managed to get my first assignment in the for the course I am currently doing so am waiting to get my result back so I can start on assignment 2.
Lou, funny, my H was not on deployment, but he was away in another state for work. He would fly home every other week and we would just talk on the phone and exchange the texts and e-mails in between. For a long time after the BD I felt that he was just away working and we just had a small disagreement, and that everything would be fine when he “gets back”. I wonder if this is still “ingrained” in my mind somehow, LOL.
Congratulations on turning in your first assignment. One step at a time!
Hi, not much of an update but had a situation with h this weekend so thought I would share and journal.
So yesterday he text to say hi, which lead into the standard "hows your week been" conversation. He replied (short version) that he had had a busy week and that his company is advertising for a new GM which he is deciding if he wants to apply for .....
I established it may be based where he currently lives (our problem location), so I was good and thanked him for telling me about the job opportunity before he applied and not after he got the job. He came back that he had written and deleted dozens of texts trying to tell me whats going on and feels sick that he has now done so, but also teary that I thanked him for doing it. His words "Your a very special person x"
We text back n forth and I tried to figure out where he feels I fit in to this decision, or even if I fit into this decision. I asked him what is stopping him from applying and he replied " the main reason why I wouldn't apply is you, not actually you, but my problem with you being here"
Things turned a little tense then as on one hand this was a job he has dreamed of and to not go for it because of me, well I am not sure I can live with that. But on the other hand I am very concerned that he will just be adding to his current problems with a higher stressed position and then not deal with them.
He ended up texting that he knows why he did not send the texts now, as he feared I would push him into applying and he was right.
H-"I am no further forward with whether to take the meds or not, no more clarity on how I overcome the issues I have regarding us, I absolutely do not have the capacity to handle anymore life changing decisions"
Me - "Just read your last text back to yourself. You say you don't have the capacity to make a life changing decision right now, this is a big life changing one to be making, if you do have depression then you are not making it from a clear head space"
H - "I guess that you trying to work out (obviously be asking me, only option you have), felt like I was being put on the spot. I wanted you to know what's happening here. I am infamously bad at doing that. I hoped that sharing would help. Its all part of not over thinking and prediciting your reaction, just putting it out there and letting the universe make up its own mind. As you have pointed out, this is a big decision and you also point out that I should not be making it right now. So I see that I should not apply, which removes one thing I have to think about. See, you help
"
I just wrote "um, glad to be of help - I think !!"
I am really not sure what to make of all this. Did he really listen to what I had to say, agree with it and make a decision based on my opinion? I am half expecting to receive an email in a couple of weeks telling me he has the job lol, but the other half is saying, actually, what ever you have requested of him lately, if it is within his capabilities, he does it, so believe what he says.
Its like running a cross country marathon and when you get to the top of a hill you can see your destination and it looks so close, but its an optical illusion, there are many more hills and winding roads to still run before you get to the finish line
Pace yourself my friend and you will reach the finish line. You are so patient with everyone else but you also deserve the gift of your loving patience my friend.
So excited to hear about your course. Exciting chapter in the wonderful book of Lou.
Hi Lou!
I just wanted to firstly thank you for stopping by my thread, I appreciate your kind reply.
I've not been around much, I feel like I'm always out, walking miles and miles a day, maybe hiding from my situation.
I have t caught up with your old posts, just this thread, and I wanted to congratulate you on enrolling on your course. I went back to university myself to change careers, and I'm now close to completing all my work. I will be graduating in December, I cannot wait for that life changing celebration. I believe in education as the cure for many problems, I'm not sure what your course is on, but I wish you all the best.
Take care
Hi Lou - Just stopping by to check on you and see how your summer is going?
Hi Gwen, lovely to hear from you, I will post on your thread over the weekend as I have a couple of days off to catch up. Its winter here so a bit chilly and there is snow on the ranges which looks beautiful. I am looking forward to summer, I miss the warmth so much.
Esame, thank you for stopping by and for your kind words.
So quickish update from me, its been a long story so will give you the short version.
First study update - I sent in my last assignment today, 8 weeks ahead of schedule so really proud of that. Juggling work and study has been hard but I seem to pull it together somehow. The course leader rang me today and has decided to start me off on my next course early so I am starting it on Monday, this one consists of 4 papers. I know its only low level courses but it has given me confidence and the knowledge that I am not as dumb as my mother always told me I am.
Both s19 and S22 are doing well, they have their ups and downs but are currently happy so I am grateful for that.
So to the h update, I know you love them ha ha.
H has resigned from his job and is moving to my location mid sept when his rental lease and work notice has finished. He asked me to choose the location that we will live in as he spent all our married life dragging me around the world and it is about time I had a say. I have chosen my current location, I feel that s19 still needs a bit of support from the sidelines and it is also a familiar place to both h and I so we only have to contend with focusing on us and not a whole new life.
The current plan is for him to move to my house and then we will look for a new place (rental) together once he is here. I can't have pets at my home so we have to move, but I feel it will be a good thing for us - a new start, new relationship, new home. H will join an agency while he looks for a permanent job and then once he has work I will leave my job and find one that fits better with me and my study.
Feelings wise - full range from happy and excited to nervous and worried. I know this is a huge step, it has not been taken lightly as we know it will affect the boys and his family, but we feel ready and we have to jump in with both feet sometime and have faith everything will work out. He has been very cautious throughout this time and I am now very pleased we did this on the slow path and not rushed it, it will be a year since he asked to be back in my life. He continues with therapy and will find a new therapist once moved so that he continues to have support dealing with his thoughts and feelings, which is going to be important in the early months of us living together again. I will also continue to go to IC as I am sure its going to be a challenge at times for me also.
So there is it. Hopefully we continue to move forwards, it all seems a bit surreal right now. 7 weeks to go .........
I know I say this often but I want to say thank you again to all of you. Your love and support since I joined the board has got me through so many dark times, you have pushed me along when I was down and out, you have celebrated my triumphs, I am and always will be truly grateful to you all. The challenges I face over the coming months dont feel so daunting when I know I have you all by my side.
xoxo
You sound good Lou! I am excited for your upcoming changes. I can understand being nervous! You have been through so much and have remained level headed and patient. I think of you often and try to follow that lead!
I look forward to your updates, please keep them coming.
Best wishes
M
Lou,
You sound very good. As for your h moving to your area, keep things at a very slow pace and those expectations...toss them out because it's going to be a long time before he's settled back down into his own skin. You will need to remember that you both have changed quite a bit and this is a brand new relationship.
Look forward to hearing how you are doing in the days ahead.
Thank you M and job for your support and advice, this is a whole new territory I have wandered into so will need help navigating my way through - and who better to have guiding me, my trusty DB peeps.
S19 now knows and I have the job of telling s22 which I will do this weekend. S19 took the news really well, he looked a little surprised but he is ok with it. After a few days I asked him if he wanted to talk about it or if he wanted to say anything, he said no, he was ok with it, happy if we are happy. He said he can't believe its been over 2years since his d left, its like he has just been away and is coming home ....which in a sense he is. So one s down, one to go.
Last weekend h talked to me about furniture, we had a small issue surrounding his bed which I refuse to have in my house even as the spare (she has slept etc on it), he did not understand, to him it is just a really expensive bed and nothing more, but in the end he agreed to sell it. We have decided on only a few things of his and we will make do with my stuff, its perfectly usable and it will be nice to save up for some joint purchases in the future .....oh look at me, talking future, that sounds a lot more optimistic than I was at the beginning of the week!!
Its been a hard week at work, I really ache today, only one more shift to go and I have the weekend off. I am having a girlfriend over for dinner Saturday night - I went to hers last Sunday evening, a few to many bottles of wine and lots of laughs later ....ha ha ha, got to do it occasionally, but we both paid for it on Monday!! On Sunday I MUST get on with my assignment, I want to get a couple done before h arrives as realistically I know he will be a distraction and I don't want to fall behind, I have worked too hard. I know he will make me sit down and do some study, he has been very supportive, which is a new side of him.
So his resignation is in, his notice on his rental is in, so in 6 weeks time he will be moving to me. So far so good - hopefully not the calm before the storm. Still a lot of hurdles to jump and mountains to climb, I am still not convinced that he has found a way past the guilt and can make the thought an action, but only one way to find out ......
WOW!
Ok, so ... you have it in perspective. You will take it slow and give yourself and H space when you need it. You will stay in the present knowing this is a new relationship. These are not easy things but you can do it!
School - I knew you'd ace it! I'm a big fan you know! You my dear have also come a long, long way and are an inspiration to me! xoxoxoxoxoxo wish we were in the same room so I could give you a big bear hug of joy
love you Lou, take care and keep us posted
Lou, congratulations on your achievements at school! Great job! It must be very satisfying and exciting!
Very interesting and inspiring developments with your H! You are so wise to take it slow though. I’m very excited for you! You’ve got everything you need to make it work, Lou. The only thing I would like to remind you is to keep your expectations low. This road to reconciliation is not an easy one, even though it looks simple. There will be ups and downs, but I have all the confidence in you, that you are the one who pull it through. Can’t wait for further updates!
Lou - I wish you only the best and most authentic life. You deserve it! Sending you only the best and keeping you in my prayers. Please keep us updated as time allows.
Lou - it's so nice to hear an update from you! I am sending positive karma your way. You have made tremendous strides and I am in awe of you!
Thank you so much for your kind words of support Bttrfly, Bright, Gwen and H
This is more of a winge and vent post, I am so upset and yes, angry today ...
First before I start, sx2 and h folks have been told of the impending reconciliation (which is currently in jeopardy already) S19 took it ok, said as long as i am happy he is happy. S22 reacted badly, and I do mean badly, big vent from him which I allowed him to do so he could feel like he was being heard. He really is anti his dad, feels he cannot be trusted to not do it again and why would I even think about taking him back after what he has done to me and our family. Lots more added. I replied I understand his concerns and his opinions and that I hope that in time his d will earn his trust back, just like he has to earn mine. S finally came around to seeing that I have to give this a go, I have to give this a chance for me. MIL said she thought we might get back together (don't know how she came to that conclusion, no one tells her anything lol). I am sure FIL will private email me with his thoughts in the near future.
House Hunting ugh, seriously difficult to find a place that allows dogs. Under 4 weeks until they arrive and I am no further forward in this task.
Course 1 - passed
Assignment 1 for course 2 in and awaiting marking. All on track, so far so good.
So to my winge - S19 mentioned h is getting another tattoo this week. Yesterday was "payday" for me, his payment (small as it is) to me. We had agreed that he would delay the next few to help him with moving costs and having some time off between jobs so I did not expect one ....until I found out about the tattoo. So when I did not receive anything, I text him to ask if he intended to pay. He said no, he thought we had agreed to delay a couple and was that not ok now?
I replied, "its fine, I agreed to help you out with moving here and some down time for us - but will say however, that you seem to have found enough for frivolous spending this week tho"
H replied "I will send payment now. S22 has asked f you can lend him $350 for a couple weeks?"
I replied " thank you. Yep no probs"
Then we got in to a text debate about money and spending wisely etc. He then sent me the cost of the tattoo and that he has been saving for ages but thought it would be a long way off, until the guy rang him to say that he would do it half price as it was quiet and could do with the custom. $350, pretty much the amount he has, so it means he can have it done pre moving which is great"
Oh this set me off !! So first I pointed out that $350 is a weeks rent, 6 months bins, 3 weeks food ....then I said, Needs, Wants, Priorities. This is my world, this is how I have to live, not because I want to, because I HAVE to. You have debts, you have moving costs, living costs pre next job, how can you justify the spend - oh and tell S22 I have lent him the $350" I had transferred it before h told me the amount of the tattoo ... coincidence that it happens to be the same amount ??
H went quiet for a bit and then came back with a long email justifying his decision. That life is too short, he is not going to live life working himself in to the ground and have nil treats and nil quality of life for doing so. We operate in two different worlds right now, the cost is under a days wages for him. He feels this is his way of feeling sane in a crap world. He knows it will change once moved, he is very aware that it has to, so is treating himself while he can
Am I completely overreacting here?
I have not replied to him. I am so angry that I may say something I regret. I am upset he his getting another tattoo, I really dont like the ones he already has. I am more upset about the money and his justification to spend it. But as he has now paid me my monthly payment and I cannot prove the money lent s22 is for the tattoo then I know that its not my place to tell him what to do with his money as much as he cannot tell me what to do with mine.
It just adds to the latest feelings of "what the heck am I doing getting back with him" Life was so much easier on my own, unfortunately its taken him coming back for me to see that !!
Thanks for letting me spill this out, II feel like I am about to explode
xoxo to all
So sorry for the bumps in this journey. I wish I could say I am surprised but my dear friend this is probably par for the course. I think you've both talked a lot long distance but have not had much interaction in the "real world" - Finances and geography have dictated that this reconciliation move forward more quickly in some areas. I think it will be a challenge. I am rooting for you from the sidelines and sending you strength.
Be true to yourself Lou. (((hugs)))
Hi Lou - on the heels of Gwen's very wise post, my advice is to prepare to see some immature and very odd behavior. I think this is where you will need tremendous patience and really rock bottom expectations. I can only imagine that you both will need a hearty dose of time and space from each other despite living together.
As my h is a live-in I try to post a lot about what I am seeing and hearing so that those with limited contact or with vanishers don't go down the road of thinking that their MLCer is some sort of new and improved version of him/herself. These people developmentally regress in all ways.
According to all the reading I have done, when the MLCer comes home it is merely the end of the beginning of his crisis. Crazy, warped timescale, I know. I often picture flipping an hourglass and having one grain of sand come down over the period of a few days. It passes so slowly, you're not even sure it's really moving.
You have raised teenage boys so you know the time it takes for them to grow up. I have an almost 13 year old and I now see so many similarities between him and my almost 50 year old MLCer.
Thankfully, your h has already been doing some work in himself through IC. Long groan on this one, but, I am sure it comes down to tremendous patience and no expectations.
Thinking of you.
Sorry to hijack Lou but thanks for posting your observations HaWho. My H is a world class vanisher mastered in the art of ghosting after 25 years. My thoughts can play mind tricks on the GAL front and your posts help me realize his new reality might not resemble anything I imagine it to be. It doesn't change the tragedy but it helps me stay focused and invested what I can control without sliding into bitterness. Thank you for combating that horrid by-product of the LBS.
Lou - You are always so positive but yet you are human so vent and cry and rage here. We are your safe harbor as you sail in uncharted seas.
Hi babe,
Well, we needed to learn to uncouple as LBS, so I guess we also need to learn to re-couple during piecing and reconciliation, right?
I think the trick will be to keep it focused in the present - which you seem to be doing beautifully. I don't know that I could do that, Lou. I'd be so tempted to bring up old stuff, but that would derail everything immediately.
The larger point might be this dearest: you've been managing on your own for quite a bit now. You may need to re-think how the finances are going to mesh up ... I speak for myself when I say that right now, I feel like there is no way in hell I'm going to be willing to mesh finances ever again with someone. We can split expenses like roommates, but my money is my own. Not sure if some version of that resonates with you? xoxoxoxo
Lou,
Congratulations on Course 1 passing! That's wonderful. Everything looks to be on track w/your courses.
Now, let's talk about your h, his moving and his expenses. I hate to say this, but you are going to be up for a huge challenge in the weeks ahead because your h is still in crisis. You are the one looking for a new place to live, you are being short changed w/support money and this will not change once he's under the same roof w/you...at least not for a while. Please, whatever you do, do not mesh your finances together. Keep them separate for at least 18-24 months. You do not want him to have access to your accounts and then you go there to pay finances and there be no money in the accounts.
Also, what is he going to do about a job? He is retiring and will have a pension coming in? You may be the soul supporter for a while...how do you feel about that? Your expenses will most likely double when he moves back in, i.e., food, entertainment, etc.
Your h is still of the opinion that life's too short and he's going to live it to the fullest and if that means spending money on tattoos or anything else, he's going to do that. The more you point this out, the more determined he's going to be do those things. You do not want to lecture him as you will come off sounding like his mother. What I would suggest is setting up a spreadsheet indicating what comes in and what goes out each month. Hopefully this will show him that money isn't as readily available as he thinks.
The hardest part of the MLC journey is reconciling and living under one roof. Even though they come home, they are still suffering from the after affects of the crisis and it takes 18-24 months for them to settle down. They will try your patience and trust me, they are watching your reactions to what they do and then they will say "if you aren't happy w/me being here, I can move out". Lou, you will need a shipment of patience shovels in the months ahead. We'll put an order in for them as well a duct tape and STFU smoothies. It does take the patience of JOB to get through the last hurdle of settling down for them. I am hoping that both of you can find a way to stick this out and go on to live happy and fulfilling lives together.
Lou, I am praying for you and your family.
Thank you so much Bttrfly, HaWho, Gwen and job, your advise is so valuable to me always.
So very long story short - I lost the tattoo battle, but won the beard one as a trade off lol. The beard is going whohoooo !!
Been a huge couple of days talking wise. It got to the point of saying things just to fight my point which I dd not really care about anymore. You are very right job, arguing for the sake of it will get me nowhere, time to dig out those duct tape shares once more he he.
You are all right about the financial side of things - actually h suggested we need to keep our own accounts so that we keep that independence and have a joint account set up for just rent and bills. He said that way he feels like he can treat me and I him without it feeling like it has been with joint money. I am happy with this arrangement, I am still in control of my own finances and we have also agreed that if I do have a short fall one week he will pick up the remainder as he has higher earnings than me.
As for jobs, he will be going back to work after having a few weeks off. He has a resume as long as your arm and qualifications in lots of things so wont find it difficult to get employment. He has the option of joining an agency driving trucks until a position he fancies comes along, so he wont be without an income. He has saved all his annual leave and together with what he has already saved, the proceeds from selling his furniture and his bond return on his rental, that will not only see him through but pay his half of a holiday we have decided to take October time - to have time out, just us, no jobs, kids, distractions.
I am viewing a house on Monday, its an open viewing so I have to take the application along with me. Its a good location and size so hopefully we will be successful, then that will be one thing off my plate.
For the first time since this all began he told me he loves me and the days can't go quick enough for him to be with me. He said for him this is forever. It was a really good to hear that, it has been an age since I have, and I truly feel he means it as those kinds of words don't come easy from him, he is the kind of guy that thinks them, but never says them.
He said that he is so pleased I stood up for myself and what I believed in against him, that it was refreshing and whist on this occasion I did not win the point, he did listen and felt a lot of what I said was very valid, and with a bit of practice I will be debating like a pro.
Oh dear Lord, give me strength !!
Result is; we have survived the tattoo incident, things are still on track. Job - you are so right, this is the hardest part, dealing with the aftermath of the past couple of years and trying to put two people who are now different back together is a challenge and its only just the beginning.
Bttrfly - Throwing the past at h would be easy but counterproductive. To be honest the past couple yrs have become a blur, I recall what he did and said but the sting has faded. Yes I do get affected by it, especially at times like these when he is out spending money when I am living paycheck to paycheck. The past has to be put in a box and on a high shelf to get dusty so that we can move forwards. That's not saying that we shall never talk about what happened but now is not that time, I am still too raw and he is still too broken.
He feels guilt for what he did to me, he feels shame for hurting his family and disappointment for letting himself down as a man, husband and father. I don't need to throw anything at him, he is doing it all on his own.
I LOVE YOU - I got those words today, today is a good day xoxo
i love you too, hehehe, but i trust that has less meaning, lololol.
outstanding to wake up and read this!!! so happy for you Lou!!! xoxoxoxoxo
Lou I'm so pleased about how things are turning out for you! All your hard work and patience has paid off, I hope we will all get our chance to reconciliation, I wish all our DBers get theesult they hope for.
Congrats on your course too, you must be so proud of yourself. Keep up the good work in all fronts sweeties, hugs from me xxx
Lou - So happy to hear all the hope in your post balanced with patience and topped with dose of living in the moment.
If one can get that second chance I firmly believe the only way it can work is to refuse to look back. It is essential to live in the moment. This must be extremely difficult but I can't imagine any other approach that will be successful. Let it go - every single thing because you must rebuild something new. Obviously there was shame and hurt but unconditional love and boundaries based on present behavior and agreements is the ONLY path to a new future.
I am envious and so excited for you Lou. Mostly excited - like 99% excited
--- my situation and geographical distance works against any chance of communicating. The opposite of hate is indifference and the obsession of ghosting and discarding your family - H has compartmentalized to the point of his old life never being real. H left everyone and everything.
Ok sorry to hijack - actually 99.9% excited. Live well and love in the moment amazing Lou. Best of luck my friend and lots of prayers being sent to you and your H.
Lou,
Congratulations for reconciling with your husband.
At first I misunderstood, sorry about that.
Cld
Lou,
Congratulations for reconciling with your husband.
At first I misunderstood, sorry about that.
Cld
Not very cool for you to ask Lou to NOT post on your threads, and then post on hers...
Lou,
Just want to say ily and u r a class act xoxoxoxoxoxoxo
Awww thanks peeps, I am feeling the love xoxo
Thank you Mach for standing in my corner, much appreciated.
bttrfly - you knows I loves ya too xoxo
How are things coming along? Did you find a place to live yet? If so, when do you get to move in? How is your health doing these days?
Thank you Mach for standing in my corner, much appreciated.
No probs.....
I don't know where to start with this post, its a bit a of a mashup of a couple of topics.
Job - thank you for your inquiry after how this are going in my world, this week has seen a lot of love come my way from the board and I am truly humbled.
Unfortunately I still have not found us a house, its been a stress that I really dont need. This week I managed to get on the list to view two properties, that's all, all the others I did not even get through the door! The first we were turned down, it went to a young family as the landlord felt a family are a longer term prospect and the second did not have an enclosed garden so our dogs would not have anywhere to contain them during the day. We are now 2 1/2 weeks to h arriving, so this weekend we will be discussing Plan B, which is to move elsewhere. We have chosen a location, so now need to work out if the whole thing is doable.
Health - nothing has changed, my last Tsh level was 7.2, and still my dr feels that it is not high enough to start replacement yet, he wants to see it at 10. My next blood test is not until January 2017 now, so its plod along and put up with it. Hands and knees are stiff and painful, especially after a busy day at work, the repetitive activity of opening boxes and climbing ladders has taken it toll on my body. My fingers and arms are covered in cardboard cuts, it looks like I have been attacked by a cat lol. Mentally, tired, but I do know I have a lot going on with my job, study, the move and h being back in my life, so it is to be expected - I know something has to give soon, otherwise I will be doing lots of things badly instead of a few things well.
Study - that has fallen behind, although I am still ahead as I got my last assignment in early. I have until 22nd September to get the next in, so this weekend I want to try and do a big portion of it to get me ahead again.
Work - I know I have to leave, its not doing me any good and I need a break from it. My hours would mean doing the opposite shift to h so we would be ships in the night, which is not ideal. He has voiced it, but in a way that he is respecting that this is my job and I need to give it up for me, not for him, and he will support me whatever I decide to do. I have saved enough now to have about 3 months off, it will give me enough breathing space to have some downtime and find something else a bit more suitable. I don't know what stops me from handing in my resignation .........
This next bit I feel I need to write because I want others to know that just because my h is moving back in with me, does not mean it is all roses and fluffy clouds. I do feel guilty writing about my situation sometimes, for many here it is an enviable position I am in, I have been given the gift of possible reconciliation with my h, but I do feel guilt at "why me?". I also feel bad moaning about it, to write that I have doubts and fears, seems like I am not grateful of this chance I have been given. I feel that I have moved forwards and rebuilt enough of my life that I would have been fine if he had not returned, I did not expect him to, I even got to the point of asking myself "do I want him too?". I also feel pressure, pressure to get this right, to make it work, to not mess this up now - for myself, for h, for my family and friend, for you guys here.
So here it is - I am not totally convinced that h feels the way about me that he says he does, how can he possibly know, how can only a couple of months ago I was "friend zone" and now I am the love of his life, can't imagine it without me in it? Jump in with two feet and have faith that it will all fall into place - that is what he says. Because I feel the way I do, I am reserved in the decisions I am making regarding the move, always coming up with a backup plan in my head should things not work out. I know this is normal to feel this way, he committed to me forever once before and look how that turned out, so to have these doubts and fears are understandable, what concerns me is that they may affect the relationship as we move forward if I am not more open and trusting towards him.
Don't get me wrong, I am looking forward to having him around again, we click together and the connection is undeniable. I know that its time that I need to give this and just enjoy the ride and stop worrying about us getting to the destination.
So this is what has been going on with my world and in my head this week. Feel like total head explosion at times !!
Love and hugs to all of you, to know you are here for me is worth more than words can say. So thank you. xoxo
LouR
I am popping back up after being away for a long time because I have always wanted to repay what I received but I was in school and, because of H's job/hours, basically a single parent even though we reconciled.
I was the WAS, I had an A and for a couple of years we tried to R but it wasn't working. For all of you with a WAS, I can tell you know that always being there for them doesn't work. Yes, be nice, be friendly, but DON'T be there every time they need you, every time they text, every time they call,etc.
You are reconciling but you have a right to be anxious, not positive of how it will all go, etc. I don't know your history prior to these last 4 pages, I don't know if there was an A or what led to the breakdown but I do know this - trust your gut when it finally comes to R. Initially everything goes against what your gut says but now, moving back in, trust it. There comes a point in time where you have to let the past go and move forward. The biggest issue in our initial R was that my H couldn't let go of the past - understanbly so but if you truly want to move forward you have to take the chance. You took a chance when you first met but you just didn't realize it because in the beginning nobody expects anything to go wrong.
honey i think there would be something odd if you *didn't* feel that way, given the circumstances. this is the place to get it out so it doesn't fester in your head, right?
I worry about you Lou ... 7.2 - I've not heard of a dr other than my husband's incompetent one who didn't treat as soon as the number topped 4. I don't want to alarm you, but I do want to voice this as something that I'm familiar with. If you are open to it, I suggest researching the benefits of drinking chug mushroom tea. It may help with the aches and pains and it may also help rejuvenate your system and reduce the TSH #... just a suggestion love.
xoxoxo
chaga not Chug. thank you auto-incorrect on my laptop
Lou.........get another doctor!!!!!
You need to fight for a trial of thyroid hormone. If you truly don't need it you won't feel better, but if you do? Life changing!
Look up a website called stop the thyroid madness , or read Mary Shomon's thyroid blog on about dot com. Once you educate yourself about thyroid problems you will probably realize that you have lots of symptoms. Don't ignore this, your health can be vastly improved by treating thyroid deficiency.
Lou,
Please seek the opinion of another doctor. If you aren't feeling well, then something needs to be done now...not wait until 2017. Stress plays a major role in some of these conditions and the work you are doing isn't helping at the moment. Please, please listen to us...get another doctor...don't put this off.
You are a very wise woman and realize that it's not going to be a bed of roses when your h comes to live w/you. There are are going to be ups and downs and both of you will need to remember that both of you have changed which means the relationship will be different. You will need to dig deeper for patience and keep those expectations of what you think he should be doing and acting (like the old h). It's going to be a brand new relationship and if you both can weather the storm for a bit longer you may very well have a far better relationship than you had before.
Please take care of yourself.
Hi Lou,
I too think it would be odd if you didn't have reservations and concerns. I think it is very smart to keep that radar up, listen to your gut and keep a plan B.
I would think, until you are actually spending day after day together, that is when your concerns will either be valid, or start fading, and turn into faith and comfort that it's working out. It seems it would take some time, another snail pace situation. I have not lived it, but based on everything we have learned so far on this ride, seems to be the way it will be?
Please listen to the others about your health. I hope you are feeling better soon.
I don't feel, at all, that you are being ungrateful of your position with H compared to ours. We are all here to root for each other and learn. The way you feel seems absolutely normal, not ungrateful. Please keep us updated and take care of yourself.
Love and ((hugs))
M
Yes Lou please look after your health. As Job is so fond of reminding us the only way you can take care of anyone else is if you put on your oxygen mask first. And dear, dear Lou gratitude is not a part of your DNA. Perhaps, like me, you tend to apologize for everything and to everyone. I am letting my actions speak loudly rather than spend energy on apologies that are usually not received or necessary.
All the planning and anticipation is bound to bring up worry or stress. Mleigh is so wise in advising you to be prepared, to be patient and deal accordingly with the situation once you are together day to day.
Personally I love to read your posts whether full of reconciliation success or tedious stress and strife. That is why we connected here - to support and encourage and to validate that you can't always rationalize the irrational when dealing with a midlife spouse in crisis.
Post anytime with the knowledge that this is a safe space filled with supportive friends. We want you to experience a life filled with all the things, and people, that allow you to be your best self.
Sending you strength and positivity and patience topped with heaping dose of love.
Thank you for joining my thread lovethehub and for the advice you have given. Its always good to hear perspective from the other side.
In my case, my h did not have an A, he left a few weeks after BD and within 6 weeks hooked up with someone else - technically it was not an A, but it still feels like that to me. She holds no weight and I do my best to move past the image of it, its harder some days than others, but I hope that as with everything else, it will fade and become a distant memory. The only real thing that I can't let go of and I need to try better with is the bitterness that he has this great career and earns good money and I am have been struggling along because my career was child rearing and homemaker until he left me - he feels I begrudge him being able to go off and do things, have things, because he has the finances to do it, that he has worked hard all these years to get to this point - I feel; what about me, what about the sacrifice I made so that he could have the career he has, why should I be penalized for a crappy decision he made a few years ago. I know that this will resolve itself eventually, at the moment its all new and we are trying not to "step on each others toes" or be over bearing, especially from h as he is aware of his controlling nature now.
So - the title of this post is going to be:
"Who is the Crazy One Now ?!"
After a few weeks of unsuccessful house hunting I made a throwaway comment to h about either having to rob a bank to buy a place or buy a caravan ........Rob a bank was taken off the list, I don't think I would look very flattering with tights on my head
but the caravan idea evolved as the conversation went on and after a couple of days of thinking about it we have decided to throw caution to the wind and pool our money (each putting in the same amount) and buy a caravan and go travelling for the summer (hopefully). We figure, why not, we have not got any commitments right now, grown kids, no home, no jobs (because I really want to leave mine soon) and we have a lot of "getting to know each other" to do. Where better than in a tin box with no escape ......ha ha ha ha ha.
H has now finished work, he hands back his rental on 19th and travels to me. The following week I will finish work and we would like to be starting our big adventure by mid Oct. S22 and his g/friend have invited us for Christmas so that gives us a direction to head off in. We hope to find work along the way which will help fund our trip (lots of casual opportunities in NZ, its backpacker world), but we have enough to last us for about 4 months if we are careful and dont find work. The dogs are quite chilled so will be happy pottering about with us. We plan to do a mix of freedom camping ( free no amenity camping on DOC land) and paid sites. H has sent me his spreadsheet of expenses and we both add to them as we think of things, he seems rather excited at the whole thing and I have to say, so am I. I get to travel a bit and see the country which I have lived in for 10yrs not not seen much of. We may even find a place we would like to settle in.
I will have finished my courses up to date and will defer the last one until next year when I can have reliable internet again.
Both s are really enthusiastic about it and quite envious of us. A summer off does sound glorious - just what my body and soul needs
Hope everyone is having a good weekend xoxo
Lou,
I have to say that you and your h will have an interesting summer. I think it's great because you both will be in a new relationship, as well as new surroundings throughout your travels. I do hope that this trip will also help w/your health issues because there may be less stress.
Lou, I look forward to reading about your travel adventures in the months ahead and I wish you the best of luck along the way. Happy trails to you!
Hi Lou, it sounds as though you have some interesting travel plans! I hope all goes well for you both and I look forward to hearing about some of your adventures....
xx
Lou............
I have to admit, your plans have me worried. While I love the idea of a vacation, I'm worried because you have worked SO HARD to gain some financial stability in your life. Your husband makes good money but he's still in debt, correct? In fact, part of the problem when you split was that there wasn't any real savings because of his poor money management. Now it sounds like he's pulling you along on another bad financial decision.
When he makes so much more than you, why are you footing half the bill for this trip? How is he planning on paying his debts during this time? Do you have enough to travel for four months WITHOUT tapping into the money set aside for renting and furnishing a new place?
If, God forbid, you embark on this adventure and then realize that the new relationship isn't going to work, will you have enough savings to tide you over until you get a new job and place to live?
Sorry to throw cold water on your plans, but it just sounds like an old pattern of going along with his bad financial decisions. I'd hate to see you struggling again in a few months with no savings. And the exhaustion you feel from your untreated thyroid disease is not going to get better until you are treated!
Is there a way to take a trip without completely wrecking your finances? How about renting a caravan, instead of buying (so you don't risk getting stuck for a large repair bill) and going for just a month (instead of four) then getting serious about looking for work and a place to live (which might easily eat up your remaining savings by the time you find a place)?
Thank you job and sotto for your well wishes. This adventure is certainly taking me out of my comfort zone and a good exercise for me to put in to practice my new attitude towards life. I know if it does go wrong and things go sour (which I am having faith they don't and we have done enough work to be as sure as we can about reconciliation) then I will bounce back and I will be ok.
kml - thank you so much for voicing your concerns and worries about my decisions. You are the conscience in my head and I have thought about what you have said.
I'm worried because you have worked SO HARD to gain some financial stability in your life. Your husband makes good money but he's still in debt, correct? In fact, part of the problem when you split was that there wasn't any real savings because of his poor money management. Now it sounds like he's pulling you along on another bad financial decision.
Thank you, I have worked very hard to get myself financially independent, stay out of debt and even save money, and its because of what I have had to do to achieve that that I wont be letting it go easily. Yes h still has some debt left, in the past year he has cut the debt he accrued after he left by 2/3rds , by selling, downgrading and saving to pay everything off, he has done extremely well to get it down to the small amount it now is. He has suffered for his mistakes and life stopped being lived to get it back on track, this caused a dip in depression, so he recognises that he needs to find a balance between paying down the remaining debt and having a life otherwise the depression will remain a cloud over his head.
This was my idea, I instigated this trip, at no point has he persuaded me to go along with it and he has made sure I have been a party to the budget sheet for it throughout.
When he makes so much more than you, why are you footing half the bill for this trip? How is he planning on paying his debts during this time? Do you have enough to travel for four months WITHOUT tapping into the money set aside for renting and furnishing a new place?
I choose to pay for half the trip, he did not ask me too. He told me how much he had to contribute and I matched it. The reason for it is so I feel equal in this trip, this s important to me as I felt very dependent on him before and not his equal, he never treated me that way, but its how I felt. Through IC have have understood why I felt this way and right now I do feel the need to "pay my own way". Over time that may change, my h certainly hopes so, he wants to know that should I be struggling financially that I will tell him so he can help me. He has saved enough to cover 5 months of loan payments and then will need to find work, he has set up a couple of agency jobs through contacts along the way to top the bank account up. Yes we have put money aside for when we return, we have a bond and a few months rent and the basics are going in to storage and we shall buy as we save up for things we need. H has addressed his spending with hiis therapist and found that it was a symptom of something else, which he has been working through with his therapist. He is adament about not getting in to debt in the future.
If, God forbid, you embark on this adventure and then realize that the new relationship isn't going to work, will you have enough savings to tide you over until you get a new job and place to live?
Yes, I do have a backup plan.
Sorry to throw cold water on your plans, but it just sounds like an old pattern of going along with his bad financial decisions. I'd hate to see you struggling again in a few months with no savings. And the exhaustion you feel from your untreated thyroid disease is not going to get better until you are treated!
Thank you so much for caring about me. I am going to see my dr again soon and will ask for an explanation for why he wont treat me. Because we intend to move away from my current location I will be finding a new dr and hopefully have more joy with them. Some time away from my job and just life in general after such a stressful few years will be good for me body and soul despite the thyroid issue lurking in the background.
Is there a way to take a trip without completely wrecking your finances? How about renting a caravan, instead of buying (so you don't risk getting stuck for a large repair bill) and going for just a month (instead of four) then getting serious about looking for work and a place to live (which might easily eat up your remaining savings by the time you find a place)?
Renting a caravan in NZ for the summer months actually works out more expensive than buying one and at the end of it we still have the van to sell. We have insurance and roadside breakdown cover which will help us out if we should breakdown. We have a emergency fund which is only to be used for repairs and once that has gone its back to the real world - so if that is 3 weeks in then so be it.
This trip is more about me than about h, I know its about h and I being together again, but its actually, for me, about me. It taking FEAR, the fear that I lived my life by and ruled me and staring it in the face. I have grown so much since h left, I have mentioned before that on the quiet it was the best thing that he has ever done for me. I have had to face my fears and learn to control them. This trip is me stepping out of my comfort zone and security and saying "I can do this, I want to do this, I will do this". To give up everything on a whim and just LIVE is something I feel I need to do.
My mother kept a long list of all the things she wanted to do in her life, she saved and saved and said she was going to have such a fun retirement doing all the things on her list, she was excited about doing them - she sadly died at 52, never had done anything on her list as she was "waiting for the right time". I don't want to be like her, I want to live life now and not take the chance I will still be here when I am 65.
I once had stability and security, it was taken away from me. Perhaps is was a blessing in disguise, it woke me up to seeing that I am more than a wife, more than a mother, I am me and I want to experience all that life has to offer and discover who I am in this world.
So on this final note, I resigned my job on Monday, mixed feelings for a couple of days, nausea that I had just given up my security, but also relief and now excitement at the ne chapter that is awaiting me. My 1st assignment came back for my second course, full marks and could not fault anything
Thanks for reading xoxox
Lou - You are embracing a possible future and this present day with your H by defining your relationship in an unexpcted way. By all accounts this is a huge reboot.
Obviously there is financial risk but you faced your fears last year when you were flat broke and staying with your brother. Remember how far you've traveled from that fearful existence? KML is understandably concerned about your finances but honestly the bank balance can't be that huge when compared to the benefits of embracing this adventure? Worst case scenario is you are back renting a small flat on your own but this time you will be stronger, wiser and able to make decisions from a place of strength.
Best case scenario is somewhere along the way you find buried treasure (literally buried treasure) and live out your days as rich in love and cash.
The odds are that reality will fall somewhere in between and that is okay. You and H are creating a new foundation so if some old baggage creeps in then at least you can open that pandora's box in a more authentic way. If you both go broke then you'll weather it together or part ways knowing you gave it 1000%. That knowledge is a huge gift that eludes most of us here in MLC land.
I add my best wishes to Job's and all my admiration to you for your GAL, your 180 and your resilience. No matter how things progress you will embrace any burdens or blessings with strength and authenticity. I think this is one of those crossroads that the only way to improve your life is by making a huge shift. Cheering you from afar and looking forward to updates.
{{{HUGS}}}
Lou -
sounds like you have done an excellent job of addressing all the financial issues and what-ifs. Go with my blessing!
Lou - do some reading up on ambergris. It can be found on beaches in your part of the world and indeed would be "buried treasure". If nothing else it will give you an interesting diversion as you travel around.
I hope you have a grand adventure and try to avoid dragons and weird old men with long staffs that I understand can also be found there
ambergris - hehehehhe...awesome.
stinky whale waste product for cash money.
Thank you Gwen and kml
AndrewP - I had no idea what ambergris was, now I do ...... I will be on the look out for the treasure, armed with rubber gloves ha ha ha. Thanks for the tip lol .......I am more likely to find a pot of gold and a leprechaun at the end of a rainbow me thinks ha ha.
As for weird old men with long beards and a staff, I saw him driving a truck the other day - well now he is redundant from the film industry he has got to earn a living somehow .....I thought it was one of the guys from zz top at first
Lou, your post made me smile
I love your outlook and zest for life. You go girl! I can't wait to hear about your adventures.
Love and hugs,
M
THE day is nearly here; tomorrow (saturday) h arrives; car, caravan and all his worldly possessions, ready to start our new life and adventure together.
I will be spending the day catching up with a g/friend as h will be travelling all day.
This week has been a hard week at work. I have been training my replacement. How do you teach a role that you made up, it just comes naturally to me, but to explain to someone else is a challenge.
I have come down with a bad cold, I managed to keep them at bay all winter, its now at the cough stage and I have lost my voice (h will be so happy ha ha), but this is normally a sign that's its coming to an end so hopefully by Sunday I will feel better.
I dont have much else to write, just wanted to keep you updated as to what point we are at. I don't actually feel anything - no nerves or excitement, its just another day right now. Tomorrow will most likely be another story .......
Wishing everyone a good weekend. xoxo
Gosh, that time went rather quickly. I can't believe he's arriving Saturday. Are you ready for his arrival?
I'm surprised that your employer didn't ask you to write up a "How To" manual on your position. I do understand what you are saying about how a role comes naturally and you do things w/o even thinking about them. The person replacing you will have some big shoes to fill because I know you've done a fabulous job!
I'm sorry to read that you've got a cold. Do you think stress brought it on? After all, you've had a lot going on the last couple of weeks.
Lou, I'll be thinking of you and your h. I will say a prayer for a safe journey and no matter what happens, and lady, you are a success story. Stay positive and know that we all love you and wish you all of the best. Please post when you can to let us know that you are okay.
Take care!
Lou, I'm so excited for you! Just wanted to wish you a great vacation and great times discovering yourself and each other again, before you go off the grid! I agree with job, you are a success story, no matter what. Keep us posted, if you can!
Hi Lou,
Your thread was one of the first that I read in its entirety when I got here. It's so incredible to see that you are about to experience this new chapter that has yet to be written. You have had quite the adventure this far and have handled your whole situation with strength and grace. I wish you and your h nothing but good things.
All the best....
Take care and feel good!
Hi my darling Lou. I'm caught up now on your plans. Forgive me - I have barely been here. Lou, I wish you every happiness and blessing on your trip. You've worked so hard, you deserve a respite. Check in when you can. I would love to read your updates! I'm so proud of you for all that you've faced and accomplished. You, my friend, are a rock star!!!
Sending you much love xoxoxoxoxo
Hi everyone. Just a very quick update as I don't get much alone time atm and I don't want to get caught out.
Everything is going ok, h has been with me for a week now. It has been a bit disjointed but we are finding our way. Its more like living with a friend, the barrier he has created with showing affection and being physical is evidently still there for him, so I have left him to it, not initiated anything and letting him work it out for himself. I remember him saying a while ago that it may be a case of just spending time with me so he becomes comfortable and I become the norm and then that side of things will fall in to place - I hope so, but until then I really need to keep my own feelings in check and keep the expectations low.
H is wearing is wedding ring again - that surprised me - I have not put mine back on my left hand, it remains on my right. I don't feel ready to do that yet, perhaps because I don't feel safe with him and the full package has yet to be evident. But he is showing he is committed to me and our r which is a great start.
He has been really attentive, cooking dinner for me for when I get home, making my sandwiches for my lunch, even breakfast in bed today! He bought me a nice pair of walking boots yesterday so we can go hiking when we are on our travels.
Other news - I have one week left at work. Mixed feelings about it. I am looking forward to leaving the job and having a break before a new challenge, but giving up my security and saying goodbye to the really good friends I have made will be hard. I got my latest assignment in, was on the due date, which is unlike me, it was sheer procrastination on my part, I found this one a challenge as it had so many problems (the university paper not mine) which is the downside of being a guinea pig for a new course I suppose. Only 2 more assignments and I have completed the course so I am starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel for this part - I just need to decide what I want to study next now!!
My landlords have agreed to transfer my tenancy to S19, which is great news. He gets to rent his first place independently from me and I get to leave my stuff in the house saving me storage costs, so win win.
Well that's it from me, so far so good, baby steps.
Hope everyone is having a good weekend xoxo
Lou,
I'm so glad you returned to post an update. It's going to take some time before he actually feels comfortable in his own skin. Dig deeper for patience and give him plenty of space.
I'm excited to read up on your travels/adventures when they get started. I'm also glad your S19 is going to be renting a place independently from you. It's a good learning experience for him.
Keep those baby steps going and keep your expectations low.
Hi Lou - Babysteps are steps. So happy to hear an update and sending you all the best. These present moments are, pardon the pun, a gift - focus in the moment and just continue to be beautiful Lou that finds the positive and has embraced the lessons and the love every step of the way.
Lou darling lovely to read an update from you! all seems to be moving along well ... just keep doing what you're doing! Sending love and light xoxoxoxo
Hello everyone
Firstly just want to say sorry for not keeping up to date with everyone's threads as I should, I have been on phone data for a couple of weeks so have had to be selective.
On that note, this is a quick update on how things are going over in my world. Well, the good news is h is still here. The bad news is, the trip away has been cancelled (was supposed to set off last week), we have sold the caravan and am back to being in limbo with him.
Everything was going ok, we have had a few ups and downs, mainly finding our level, but generally having fun, laughing and being comfortable around each other. But the physical (which I think I mentioned before) has not come about, not a kiss, not a touch, nothing. So I bought the subject up (as we are supposed to be practicing communicating better ) he admitted that his libido has gone and he had not noticed it had until he had spent a few days with me and realised he did not have any romantic feelings for me at all, in fact no desires in general.He says he wants to mend this area as to him it is the full package and he wants that, so he is starting therapy tomorrow, he has a couple of sessions alone and then I am to join him. He has voiced his concern though that it may return and he finds that I am indeed not appealing to him and in that case he wants to permanently separate as I wont be the full package and he wants to have the chance of meeting such a women .......good luck with that, seriously it will take a saint to put up with him and that's before he finds "the one" he can tolerate as he is so picky.
Those words - permanently separate - they rolled off his tongue so easily, it was quite unnerving. Anyway, for the first few days I was in a state over it, the whole "here we go again" feeling, but I contacted my IC and she talked me down off the ceiling and told me its actually quite common and not to worry unnecessarily, she feels because everything is there for him, all the other boxes have been ticked, he has made the moves to come back in to my life not the other way around, that this is just a hurdle we will get over together.
Being honest here, yes it will hurt if he decides to leave again, but I have found it challenging at times having him back, I have been on my own for the past couple of years and got into my own routines and enjoyed the selfishness single life brings.
So for now its watch this space, we should know which direction we are going in by Christmas. If we are staying together then I see us going from strength to strength. He is very attentive and aware of making me feel an equal to him, also wanting me to make decisions about what we do and where we live etc, (this was pre libido issue talk). His is giving more control over to me, which for a naturally controlling person is quite a change and challenge I am sure.
I gave up work, was the best thing I did, I feel so much better. I will start looking for a new job in a few weeks, but for now I am enjoying my time off. My course for this year is coming to an end, just one more assignment to complete. We are currently s19's lodgers as I signed over tenancy, but we are only staying for a couple more weeks as he has rented my room out lol.
So that's it from me. All change, nothing stays the same for long !! The trip dream is over for now, but I feel its more important to get these issues that occur sorted out sooner rather than later.
I will try to catch up with everyone soon. Love n hugs xx
Lou - Sorry to hear that things have taken a left turn. I'd been looking forward to hearing of your adventures in the caravan.
It sounds like you are working hard at making the best of your life though and are keeping hopeful.
Best wishes.
Lou,
There is not one feeling or emotion you are experiencing right now that would not be valid. I am glad you have IC to help you navigate the journey.
Love is not easy and sometimes it takes any entirely different shape but it is still love. I am glad you are communicating with H and staying hopeful yet strong in your new sense of self. These are all good things. Fantastic things because each and every day the most important relationship is the one we have with ourselves.
Keeping you in my prayers and sending you strength and support. Please keep us posted.
Lou,
I'm sorry that things have hit a snag, but I'm not the least surprised by what he said. After all, reconnection is the hardest part of the journey because everyone wants everything to be A-Okay right away and it doesn't happen that way. Once they are back under the same roof w/you, it takes another 6-9 months or so for them to feel comfortable in their own skin. "Romance" isn't going to happen right away because there is still some depression floating around.
Don't rush the process of reconnection! You have to dig deeper than ever before for patience. Here's the link that I created many years ago that explains reconnection. It might help you.
TMAK - Explanation of Reconnection (new)
Hello Lou, I've been thinking of you and wondering how you were getting along. I'm sorry to read that things have taken an unwelcome turn. But I am glad to read that you are taking it all in your stride.
I really do think that MLCers inch along - and they/we get to a place where things seem to move forward. Then they back track. But I do think for a long time, your sitch has been steadily moving forward in a positive direction. Perhaps the pressure of the change has led to a bit of a retreat. Also, I still think if the depression is present, the emptiness inside is translated into I don't feel X for you.
Only time will tell, but for now I would take off the pressure of moving things forward and co-exist with him for a bit, whilst making plans and doing some of your own stuff too.
I don't believe someone uproots their life and changes it all for someone that they just don't feel any attraction for....
Keep us posted my friend :)xx
Lou my lovely ... listen to Gwen and Job! Sending you some extra patience with hugs from me to you {{{{ xoxoxo }}}}}
Hi everyone, thank you for your advice and feedback.
job - I have read the link before and re reading it I have found myself nodding.
Nothing new to report really. H is still here, he went to his first counselling session and the day after wanted to talk about it, so we did. He feels he is further back now than before, that it is confirmed that is me he is having a problem with, not women in general. He said he has not given up hope of getting the spark back, but its now less probable and I should know this. He asked if I was happy for him to stay or do I want him to leave and that he does not want to put me under any more stress than necessary as it is killing him to know that he is hurting me once again. I replied no, that while he still has hope I have hope. We talked quite a bit about how much this is affecting him, he wants to have the full package and if I am not it then he does not want to give us "time" to see if we grow into each other the attraction develops, he said it will be too hard to get a year down the line and have to walk away from me then, that he would most probably stay and live a false life which would eventually blow up. He wants to have the opportunity to find said "full package" with someone else.
H said that the counselor (who is also my one) told him that we are both different people now, that 2 years is a long time apart, so it may be a case of him holding on to the history, love, caring, trust etc has made him feel I am his one and only, but that when he said he was no longer in love with me 2 1/2 yrs ago, he really had fallen out of love with me at that point and we are trying to find something that really isn't there anymore.
The IC suggested lots of things and h replied that we had tried them all, she was surprised we even share a bed and sleep naked together - it seems she slightly gave up with suggestions at this point. She wants to talk to him about the emotion and spiritual (not as in religion) side of our relationship next and try to take him back to when he was "in love" with me and hopes that will trigger off something for him. He is hoping she speaks to her mentors and gets some more ideas.
I get the feeling he really does want "us" and is genuinely disappointed that it is not happening and he really is trying to fix an issue he feels is too big to ignore. It makes all this even more heartbreaking. He talks about giving up everything for me as he was so sure it was right, that everything was right
Today was a little confusing, we were walking on the beach and he took my hand, I did not say anything, just allowed it to happen. He then went out and gave me a quick kiss goodbye. I wonder how that can be comfortable and non meaning of anything, but it seems it is. He has done it before so I know it means no more than it is for it.
So I am hanging in there, holding on to hope for dear life. Keeping things as happy and normal as possible. We laugh, we mess around and joke, we share stories, walk and talk. Trying to help him feel as comfortable in my company as possible, no pressure.
Underneath my heart is breaking, the tears have returned in private, the pain and emptiness feeling inside. The benefit of this being round 2 is that I know to feel it, let it happen and know that it will leave.
Thanks again for all your thoughts and hugs, I embrace them all xoxo
Oh Lou, I don't know what to say. I have not been to your position but it sounds like a heartbreaking thing to go through. I really haven't got any advice, I only wanted to say that up you are heard, and to send you strength.
(((Hugs)))
he's overthinking and trying too hard. that's my first hit. know that I have zero experience here and am probably talking out of an obscure key on my keyboard, but that is absolutely my first instinct as I read this. Also, is this IC someone who is trained in keeping marriages together? that's my next question. Many aren't, as we know.
So I'd like to know what Job thinks about this or any of our other vets ... You know you can come here to vent, cry whatever you need to do - we are here.
Lou my love, just keep taking care of yourself. You've grown so much since this began. Don't lose sight of that ever. You are amazing and wonderful. Just keep being you. Wish you were closer so I could make you tea and give you a hug. xoxoxoxoxo
Hi Lou, my heart goes out to you - it really does and I can understand why you feel so sad, rather than angry. From what you post, he really appears to be trying and wants to get there, but is also struggling and perhaps putting too much pressure on himself to 'feel the whole range of feelings from the get go.'
It may be worth you both just coasting along and allowing a little time for settling in before making any big decisions - perhaps a few months just to release the pressure and enjoy the nice things about being together..
Hopefully someone with more experience will chime in too...but in the meantime, do take care and keep posting as I do feel your sitch is at an important stage...
Big hugs to you xxx
H said that the counselor (who is also my one) told him that we are both different people now, that 2 years is a long time apart, so it may be a case of him holding on to the history, love, caring, trust etc has made him feel I am his one and only, but that when he said he was no longer in love with me 2 1/2 yrs ago, he really had fallen out of love with me at that point and we are trying to find something that really isn't there anymore.
First of all - I think this counselor is stupid. Really. "Oh, you just fell out of love, too bad". Nonsense! People in marriages fall in and out of love all the time, and it's pretty clear in your H's case that it's his DEPRESSION that is the problem!!!
As for sex - all I can think of is the Nike slogan - "Just do it". Seriously, I think all this waiting around for him to feel like it's perfect is BS. Sometimes you just don't feel like doing it until you get started. Also, as an older man, his libido is starting to wane; just because he got a stiffy from the NOVELTY of a new person doesn't mean that the new person is better or that he's not in love with you. It just means that novelty can help an older man with flagging sexual function get an erection for a while.
As for you Lou - he's too sure of you. When he thought he might lose you he came back; once he came back and you were willing to turn your whole life topsy turvy for him, he started to lose interest. You need to make decisions for YOU. If he comes along, fine - if he doesn't, good riddance!
You struggled so hard for so long to reach some financial stability, it really bothered me that you were going to throw it all away to run off with him (he's still in debt too, right?). I know, you had figured it out and made a Plan B, you'll be alright - but not in as good a position as you would be if you had kept your job until you got a new one, and kept your apartment.
What you need to tell your H is that romantic feelings come and go. That's why marriage is a commitment! The feelings usually come back if you stick it through.
And then start going out in the evenings dancing with your girlfriends. Let him start to wonder a little bit whether he might lose you. He's altogether too sure of you right now.
Lou, I rarely post these days but I have been following your situation.
There are two strategies that I wold like to suggest.
1. to engage with him, in a really interested and non confrontational way, about what he means by falling out of love and being in love. Do not put your point of view, but just get him to explain what he means.
You can use phrases like 'help me to understand' (or whatever works for you). Avoid 'why' 'what' and other direct questions. People love to talk about themselves, if you approach it right, and though it might be painful you will almost certainly get some insights. You might even make him think as well, if not now, later.
2. Take something away that he wants: in this case he wants to keep his options open. My guess is that he doesn't want to lose you, but he has no insight at all into his state of mind (depression) and like all MLCers they are in survival mode and think only of themselves.
When you have had conversation (1) you can say really pleasantly, that this situation isn't working for you. That you love him, but you need to focus on you and your life, and that he goes away and sorts himself out. Offer to be his friend (if you like) but make it clear that for you, life is going on and there is no more sitting around waiting for him to make up his mind.
Honestly at this stage you have little to lose, imho. If he isn't going to work on the marriage (and MLCers want it oh so easy) then the greater probability is that this is going to happen further down the line. From all that you have posted his foray into other lifestyles/relationships hasn't worked so far, but that he isn't yet certain that he wants to commit to you..
However, he still isn't thinking of you primarily (which he needs to do) and in the comfort of a 'trial relationship' in which he may 'decide' it still isn't working, he will get the notion into his head that coming and going is OK.
Sad to say this site is littered with boomerang spouses who think a revolving door is an acceptable way to behave.
In their hearts, people respect those who are kind and firm. Think of him as a mix of toddler and adolescent. But you are not his mother, and I have come to believe that clear rules of engagement and boundaries work best.
Please disregard this advice if it seems harsh or lacking in understanding. I actually feel very deeply for your situation, and am far from certain that your husband has any inkling of what a selfish and risky way he is living his life.
Lou,
I have nothing to add except my support for you. You are amazing Lou - hang in there!
Hi Everyone.
Thank you so much for your comments and advice.
Esame - Thank you, thank you, hugs and support go a long long way.
bttrfly -
he's overthinking and trying too hard. that's my first hit.
I agree. My thought is that he is expecting to feel everything too soon. It took time to break the relationship so it will take time to fix it.
sotto -
It may be worth you both just coasting along and allowing a little time for settling in before making any big decisions - perhaps a few months just to release the pressure and enjoy the nice things about being together.
Ideally I would like this, but h does not. He feels that the longer he leaves it the harder it will be to leave me if things should not sort themselves out. He feels that he would end up staying with me out of guilt and neither of us getting the relationship we deserve. I am not pushing this r or r talk with him. If there is one thing I have taken away from all of this, it is that you cannot control what anyone else feels, says or does, he will do what is right for him at the end of the day.
kml -
First of all - I think this counselor is stupid. Really. "Oh, you just fell out of love, too bad". Nonsense! People in marriages fall in and out of love all the time, and it's pretty clear in your H's case that it's his DEPRESSION that is the problem!!!
Totally agree, if this is really the case. I do wonder if h has taken the bits he wanted to hear from her and disregarded the rest tho'.
s for sex - all I can think of is the Nike slogan - "Just do it". Seriously, I think all this waiting around for him to feel like it's perfect is BS. Sometimes you just don't feel like doing it until you get started. Also, as an older man, his libido is starting to wane; just because he got a stiffy from the NOVELTY of a new person doesn't mean that the new person is better or that he's not in love with you. It just means that novelty can help an older man with flagging sexual function get an erection for a while.
Ha ha, thanks for the advice. Already tried that tact ...twice ...and did not go well either time. First time I got a half hearted reaction from him and that left me feeling horrible, and the second time we were messing around and I ended up naked on top of him and I got no physical reaction at all, so when I initiated more, he pushed me off and said "no, sorry" and got up. I was left feeling rejected and embarrassed. Since then I have stayed firmly in friend zone where sex is concerned.
As for you Lou - he's too sure of you. When he thought he might lose you he came back; once he came back and you were willing to turn your whole life topsy turvy for him, he started to lose interest. You need to make decisions for YOU. If he comes along, fine - if he doesn't, good riddance!
I know. But as job says, do something to see if it works, if it doesn't dont do it again. I took a gamble and it dod not pay off, I am still glad I took the gamble as it may ....just a small chance ...have worked out ok. Hindsight is a wonderful thing, so maybe my mistakes will help someone else out who is heading towards my situation.
I have taken on board what everyone has said. I have started my job hunt and hopefully something will come along soon. If the worst comes to the worst and I am not successful within the next month then I know I can go back to my old work place, but that is desperate measures. I am looking for a car to help me be more independent and get me to interviews etc. Once I have a job I can start to look for a flat. I have also started meeting up with my g/friends more, and told friends I am still around (something I held off doing, a mix of embarrassment at things not going so well, and sadness). I know I need to get some security and stability back in to my life, if he wants to come along with me then great, otherwise at least I will be in a better position if he chooses not too.
Bea - H says that the thing that is missing is the sexual attraction. He says he sees me a physically attractive, like he does other people in general, but the spark, the feeling of wanting to kiss, touch, be touched by and have sex with , is not there for him, he feels nothing. He used to have it for me, right up to just before BD, but then it went away. He met her, it was off the scale for her when they met, then it fizzled out as the relationship sunk to doom. He then thought that the lack of sexual desire for me was because of the guilt he felt and that once he dealt with that then everything would be back to how he used to feel. He worked with his therapist and got to the point where he realised I am it for him, forever. But it turns out that what he thought he would feel about me once we were together full time, is not there and it worries him that he is no longer attracted to me, that he has changed too much, that his taste in women has changed and am now not "the full package"
Gwen - hi g/friend. Thank you so much. xoxo
Nothing else to add. H is at counselling atm giving me a chance to pop into here for a sneaky update. Who knows what he will come out with next, but one thing is for sure, I know from this being round 2, that I will be ok. It won't be great, but I will keep on breathing and I will get through the pain of it all.
Love and hugs to you all xoxox
{{{{{hugs}}}}}
God it's a brutal process, isn't it? I think Lou that focusing right back on yourself is a great solution. Going out with your gfriends again, doing all the things that you did for yourself before reconciliation was an option ... I love this for two reasons: 1. it empowers you and 2. let him see who you are.
Now I'm going to tell you something my love: You ARE worth the full package. H is absolutely right. So ... whether with him or without him ... do not lose sight of your own magnificence.
xoxoxoxo
Lou,
I'm glad you are getting out and about w/your gfs and looking for a job, as well as a car. You need to have these things to focus on while your h is still trying to feel comfortable in his own skin.
His comments about attraction to you and the sex issue are very common w/MLCers when they reconcile. It hurts when they talk about such things, but I can assure you, it's very common and many spouses have spoken of this issue after they reconcile. It's still depression talking and again, it takes time for them to feel comfortable in their own skin.
Continue the activities that you have before he returned and if he wants to sit in a corner, let him, but you go about your business. Life as you knew it when you two were together pre-crisis is gone. You are dealing w/a very broken/fragile man right now and like Humpty Dumpty when he fell off the wall, no one can put him back together...but himself. Be a friend, listen, validate and if he wants to join in on activities, then so be it...but you live your life to the fullest.
You are the prize...he knows it...but he just doesn't know how to go about winning that prize back. Give him time and space and one more thing...dig deeper for patience.
Hmmmm - Just my two cents from the other side of the gender wall. It might not be helpful but perhaps might add perspective.
Pre BD I had a very active libido and a large "appetite" for all sort of things including food, news, wood-working, reading etc. My W was low desire as far as the sex life part goes but we made that work all the same and we had some things that we were both passionate about too.
On BD2 when I found out about the affair it was like a switch went off inside my head. It actually felt like something had "snapped" and changed. I still remember it clearly and can still feel the echo of it. All of my passions left abruptly. I also abruptly did a few radical (for me) actions such as cutting off my mid-back length hair. I started walking obsessively and other sorts of odd actions such as obsessing over how the bed was made and the number 13 (the day W and I met). I think that if my W had come back dancing naked through the MBR in those first few weeks that I would not have been able to do anything about it. I had fallen into a very deep and dark depression including suicidal thoughts. Presumably nothing as deep as what I've read about with MLC sufferers but it scared the crap out of me. One of my fears was that none of my appetites including my libido would ever come back. I was deep in a fog, lost and confused and jumping at every shadow.
It's now 6 months+ after BD2 and I am only now slowly getting back my passion for things. The libido - no way to tell for sure but it certainly doesn't fire me up the way that it used to.
What I'm trying to say / suggest is to perhaps instead of looking at this as a sex issue and that he's not seeing that part of "your package", to look at it as a "passion" issue within him. Think perhaps of what else your H used to be passionate about be it butterflies or searching for ambergris. Perhaps if you can support him in being passionate about other parts of his life, perhaps his other passions will also start up. For me, I'm getting a renewed interest in food and in current events - not quite to the "passion" level but I can feel myself becoming more alive as that "broken bit" that happened on BD2 is I hope slowly reconnecting. It does appear to be reconnecting in a different shape for me though so what worked in the past for him might not work now.
Hope this helps. Sending you good thoughts from the other side of the planet and the gender wall.
Hi, just a quick one to let you know that H told me this afternoon that his counselling session yesterday confirmed to him that he has changed and he no longer finds me sexually attractive and that he feels that he he no longer wishes to remain with me, he does not feel time will change anything, he wants to have the opportunity of having a fulfilling relationship with someone else.
Of course I am heart broken and I am angry that he has bailed so soon, but I also know that deep down he is not the guy I fell in love with and he is probably not a guy I could fall in love with again.
He is leaving this weekend.
Wow Lou........I'm so sorry! (And what a crappy therapist!)
Still.......maybe this will finally give you some closure. You have him a chance and he totally messed it up. You did everything you could do for your marriage. Now you can move forward with a clean conscience.
I had peace in my heart when my ex finally left that I had done everything that I could do to save the marriage. I let go and focused on MY life and you know what? I've had grand adventures, built a business, learned to play the drums in a band, had great sex with charming and handsome men who appreciated me. I now have a wonderful man who treats me and my family like gold.
You are ready to get out there and LIVE. Let go of him, you can't save him and he's weighing you down.
oh my sweetheart i am so sorry to read that he's given up so soon. {{{{{Lou}}}}}
kml is right - you've given it everything you had. he obviously isn't done baking. more importantly love, is what you said about your own feelings. lets focus on those right now and let him go ... you are worth a true partnership and all it entails Lou. xoxoxoxoxo
Lou,
I am so sorry to read that he's bailing so quickly, but I honestly do not think he was ready to reconcile. I think he went into panic mode when he saw that you were doing so well and enjoying life and that he didn't want to lose you, so he came back far too soon. Some of them do this and it's very hard on the lbs when they walk the second time.
I'm not surprised that he "heard" what he wanted to hear in the counseling session. Most of them only "hear" what they want to hear and tangle it up to mean something else, i.e., find their happiness and leave their spouses, the marriage is over, blah, blah, blah. I do not think your story is finished just yet. I think he'll attempt to reconnect w/you again and if he does, make him do the hard work to woo you back...if you are still available.
Lou, you have done everything you can possibly do to make things work. Now, it's time to put the focus on you and do the things that make you happy and will help heal your heart, mind and soul.
Again, I'm sorry.
Lou, I'm so sorry to read this and I'm sending my warmest hugs to you. ((((( )))))
Job has been around here for a good while and knows what she is talking about. I agree with her posting and I also think it may well have been too soon. He is still dealing with stuff and that stuff gets in the way of feelings for others.
As is often posted on the forum. Actually, you get to decide whether this is the end of the road for you and he. Clearly, things are not going to progress towards reconciliation at this point in time. Going forwards, we just don't know. He is acting from emotion and how he feels right now - scared and worried that he may get stuck with how he felt before - ie: trapped, missing out on 'life' - like many MLCers feel.
I think the usual wisdom applies here - detach, move forward, live your life and give yourself some time to decide whether you want to close the door here.
Do keep posting and let us know how you are doing.
Xxx
Sending you good wishes Lou. You can be proud of yourself.
Hi Lou,
I just wanted to drop by and say how sorry I am to hear the turn of events. I'm so sorry for your pain and loss. I KNOW you can drum up the strength to make your life AMAZING. Loads better than it ever could be with someone so damaged, selfish and adolescent.
While he is fixated on the sexual attraction, like any 16-year-old boy would be, maybe you could fixate on how he FAILED miserably at showing himself as a grown man capable of a mature relationship. The concept that you could pick up like two 20-year-olds in heat, after all the pain he caused and all the baggage... is beyond the pale.
My exH bounced back on several occasions. They were light bounce backs, so it wasn't as profound as your sitch. Reliving the rejection all over again, though, is sooooooo painful. And, you have the added bonus of being humiliated.
In my opinion, this is blatent emotional abuse, MLC or no, and I cannot believe the therapist didn't call him on his B.S.
His immaturity alone is just jaw-dropping. Wow. And, WOW. How incredibly childish and selfish and adolescent. MLC isn't a free pass.
When my dad had his MLC and left my mom for his secretary, he wrote me a letter explaining how my mother's weight was the problem. I was 17. He said he wasn't sexually attracted to her any longer, because she let herself go. So, this issue is big for me.
One of my worst fears is discovering I really am gross or unsexy, non f-able... not worth having someone stick around. The my exH's OW has fake boobs and keeps her a size 2 with cigarettes and other drugs. I'm not a size 2 anymore. I have 5 years of a lot of stress and my body has aged. I'm working on healing and loving my body for bringing me safely through all this pain. I'm working on altering my idea of what beautiful is... It doesn't have to be a size 2 with perfectly perky boobs.
I think it's natural to have those insecurities after an affair and harsh rejection like we've all experienced.
I want to thank you for sharing your story on here. Reading along has helped me to see the reality behind he fears/insecurities.
I actually did some reading on male aging and sexuality after reading your latest developments. It's super shiddy to expect you to be the end-all-be-all to his aging body.
What your situation helped me see... men who rely solely on physical attraction are a-holes. Men you can see the value in all the other pieces of a relationship and/or try to build on the sexual... a-holes. Men who look at me as a number or an object. A-holes.
So, again, you have a chance to reinvent yourself. You didn't like the past job. It was too hard physically.
Someone asked me yesterday to visualize my life, when restored to sanity.
What does your life look like after you are healed from this latest foray into MLC-Land? Get specific. How does it feel to be healed and confident and loving your life, with no one around telling you how you are not sexually attractive?? What a d-bag.
You are BEAUTIFUL. It's easy to see here how AMAZING and BEAUTIFUL you are. If he is blind that beauty, he's just not worth your time.
Meant to say, "Men WHO CAN'T see the value in all the other pieces of a relationship and/or try to build on the sexual... a-holes."
Sorry. Got carried away. What happened to edit?
Good Morning everyone
Wow ...thank you thank you thank you
I absolutely agree with you all and overnight I could have written what job wrote with how I have been thinking about all of this.
He certainly is not done, his actions and words have screamed of the first time he left and I was already feeling the pressure from him to be someone I am not.
I feel he popped his head out the tunnel for a while and saw that his troops (me and the boys) were heading off, so he panicked and set about gather us all back together and putting is where he wants us to be. The only thing he has not worked out about doing this is that the first time around he smooshed us in to the ground before he left and we took a long time to pick ourselves up before we started wandering off, thus not getting very far away. This time we are already standing and know and are ready to start moving forwards, so by the time he re emerges from the tunnel next time (if he does) we will be long gone out of sight.
I have learnt my lesson, I fell for the biggest MLC trick in the book, I wont be falling for it again. If and I do mean a big IF he comes out of this and to be back in my life again then he will be having to move mountains for me, I am not going to put myself through this rejection and heartbreak again, this is twice now, enough is enough.
I have not closed the door on us, I don't think I ever will. Despite everything he has said and done I still saw glimpses of the old him, the caring, loving and fun him that I love so much. Its tragic that he is lost in the world he is in but its time for self preservation and moving on to find peace within my own life.
S22 has taken the news badly, he was not happy I allowed h back in to my life again and has pretty much said he wants nothing to do with him anymore - I hope that in time that will change, but that is for h to repair not me. S22 rang me yesterday and invited me to go stay with him for a couple of weeks to have some time away to get my head sorted, which was really sweet of him. He said " you have always looked after me, now let me look after you", made me cry bless him. S19 has said I can stay with him until I get myself sorted out again, so I am not homeless and have breathing space to get a job so I can rent a flat. In absolute desperation I know I can go back to the place I used to work at, but that really would be desperation level as one of the good things that has come out of this (and there are actually good things) is that it gave me the excuse and courage to leave my job that I really despised.
Another good thing is that it has helped me move forwards.
Lou - coming in late on this conversation, but through all of this, just make sure that all that he has said does not taint your view of yourself.
Clearly, he still hasn't learned what love is.
Hello HaWho
Thank you and yes I know. Its is easy to say to myself "whats wrong with me, am I really that undesirable", but I know that its really him that has the issues, I haven't changed in to anyone else, I still look and sound like me.
Right now he wants a submissive women who he can control and manipulate into his way of thinking, but he also wants a non submissive person who is independent, not clingy and has a mind of her own .....good luck to him finding that impossible combo! I think at the top of his list is she must be a sex goddess and have him feel horny and wanting her every second of the day whooohoooooo lol.
I am so thankful that I found this site when I did and have learnt all I have. He has been re writing history - namely our sex life ...which has apparently been non adventurous and going through motions for years ...funny, but this is the first reference I have heard of this complaint .... and just so happens to fit his purpose for why he is leaving this time .... so I take it with a pinch of salt as I know different. Perhaps we have entered into parallel universes? ha ha.
S22 rang me yesterday and invited me to go stay with him for a couple of weeks to have some time away to get my head sorted, which was really sweet of him. He said " you have always looked after me, now let me look after you", made me cry bless him. S19 has said I can stay with him until I get myself sorted out again, so I am not homeless and have breathing space to get a job so I can rent a flat.
What good boys you have raised!
My youngest hasn't spoken to his father in a year - nothing to do with me really, just issues between the two of them that came to a head in a big argument (although it doesn't help my ex's case that he apparently said some not nice things about me in the middle of their argument). My son expects to someday reconcile with his dad although he finds his life less stressful right now without his dad's negativity in it. My ex, who SHOULD be the adult parent in the relationship and attempt to repair the breach, has done almost nothing to try to reconcile.
Let your son have his experience. He has a right to be unhappy with his father and to make his own decisions.
Meanwhile - time for you to FLY my dear. Get some poster board and make a vision board of the things you want in your life - all the positive lovely stuff - and put it somewhere that you will see if every day. I really believe this kind of visualization works.
(I once wrote a list of 100 life goals, part of an exercise in a book. Years later I found it. Much to my surprise, one of the things I wrote was to play in a band. 10 years later, I had learned to play the drums and was playing in a band! I did NOT remember even thinking a thing about it in the past!)
Your sons are so amazing, Lou! I think you should let S22 take care of you for a bit - not that you need taking care of but I think HE needs to feel like he's doing something to help you.
I think you need to take a deep, deep breath now my love and think about what you'd like to do for your next job and for the next little bit. As for right now all you have to do is breathe and don't buy into the revisionist history. Seems like you're very clear on what reality was and is so that's positive.
Lou, you have so very much going for you. I'm so sorry this is happening again but I'm so proud of your positive attitude. You see it clearly and most importantly you are not buying into it. Well done my girl! Keep posting and know we are all here for you and love you. xoxoxoxo
Lou - I forgot to mention that yes, you have indeed raised good, good boys! The world will thank you for your contribution.
The real problem with the live-in MLCer is that they (completely) lack empathy and they have loose lips to boot. So you end up hearing all sorts of garbage. And it trash.
And boy does your h remind me of mine. Last year, I heard a LOT of what you just heard. And then, just to hammer it all home he wrote it all in a letter! His list of "demands" were ridiculous and immature. Trust me, I could have easily sent him a letter in kind just to point out that he is not Michelangelo's David.
Having gone through the same ordeal just one year ago, just remember: when someone hands you that kind of a grenade you don't hold on to it for one second. You put it all back on him.
I assume your phone is not ringing off the hook with calls from Calvin Klein asking for your h to model in a speedo? Talk about zero self awareness. And of course, his ideal is unreasonable. What if this perfect woman falls ill and cannot maintain that perfect figure? And what if HE falls sick and HIS appearance alters. Hogwash all of it.
Release all of that junk and move forward full tilt.
Job - may I ask ...
I do not think your story is finished just yet. I think he'll attempt to reconnect w/you again and if he does, make him do the hard work to woo you back...if you are still available.
What makes you think that he is not done with me? When he is leaving knowing he feels no "sexual desire" for me, won't that remain with him now? I am sure that he will always love me in a deep history kind of way, but I can't imagine how he could possibly realise that I offer him the full package he is seeking once he has left me for the second time.
There are a number of MLCers that come back and have false reconciliations w/their spouses and leave again because of that loss feeling of sexual desire. Besides the fact he wasn't truly ready or should I say baked up to return home. The panic set in when he thought you and your family were moving on and doing very well w/o him in it. So, he ran back to you w/o doing the necessary hard work.
He's leaving again and you are still on friendly terms. You had a good marriage and a lot of years today and you have two sons together. So, you will most likely remain in contact throughout the years and eventually, he's going to see the light that you were actually the woman he truly wanted and still wants. Keep in mind, he's still in replay and he's got a lot of depression going on. The depression is what is tainting his sexual attraction towards you. That depression fog has to lift and it's going to be a while before that happens. At some point, he's going to want to try again...but that decision will be up to you. I am going to give you this advice...do not take him back so quickly next time. He has a lot of difficult work to do on himself and he needs to win you back on his own. If he wants to come back, make him do the work and don't put the welcome mat out so quickly.
I also suggest that you not be so readily available when he contacts you. Sure it's nice to chat, but this time...make him do the work totally. Don't call him to chit chat unless it's an emergency. He needs to realize that you aren't going to be there for him and that you aren't going to be waiting around on him any longer.
If and when the depression lifts, that's when he's going to realize what he's lost and that's going to be a while. Until that time, live your life for you. Don't wait on him, make your life your own and if he does want back, he'll do whatever it takes to get you back.
For now, keep the focus on you.
Hi Lou - sorry I've not been keeping up with you but feel like I am posting at the perfect time - You are going to have a start a new thread. Metaphorically and literally I am very excited to see that happen for you.
You know my threads have been titled with "reality" so in that vain (metaphorically and literally) here goes:
BE BENEVOLENTLY SELFISH!!!!!!!!!!!! Yes completely self involved and self focused. Fall completely in love with yourself and do not apologize about focusing all your energy, time and resources on self care. Embrace a selfish attitude in a benevolent way.
Keep your heart big and open for the people who support your self-oriented lifestyle. Selfishly surround yourself with things that bring you good feelings or thoughts. Selfishly invest your time and efforts in what is important to you. Use that big, beautiful, benevolent selfish attitude to create world where you are the star of the show.
Job is wise and hope is a beautiful emotion. You do not have to jettison hope but put it on the back burner. Let your sons give you refuge. Accept that refuge without apology just show them your benevolence by being you.
Hug when you want to. Cry when you want to. Spend every second in selfish pursuit of your own life. It is okay and it will strengthen your heart no matter what happens.
MWD is more diplomatic but GAL is all about taking care of yourself. Job is more therapeutic but the message is the same.
My heart is aching because you deserve so much more than H is capable of offering you. I honestly question if he will ever be able to communicate and cherish you in a mature relationship. MLC is definitely a condition but our society has begun to condone it as we live longer and pursue instant gratification.
I'll post on your new thread. Lou - you've got this and your boys know that as well. Look in the mirror and selfishly love the person you see with unapologetic benevolence.