Job explained I needed a new thread. The one I was using before was from the previous time I was DB'ing. I agree this time the situation is different.
we now know that my H is an alcohoic and has relapsed. H will be turning 40 this year and it seems as if he is going thru a MLC. H's OW is a 25yr single mother of a 5 yr old.
That is one thing we were happy about, our D's are both old enough to manage on their own. We can do things and go have fun the 2 of us. Well he is out having fun alright, just not with me.
I am trying really hard to just be his friend. extremely hard. I am going to Al-anon meetings and they talk about the same, be happy yourself, take care of you and family and DETACH.
I woke up on my knees this morning and was asking for guidance, strength and the right words to get thru today. I will go to bed on my knees as well, being grateful and thankful for all the joys in my life.
Im in a better place today then the past couple of days. C's have helped me and getting things off of my chest.
got news from a mutual friend of my H and I. she is a recovering addict as well. She stated that H reached out to her about having had better days and needs someone to talk to . Yay for H for wanting to start working on things. But, will H follow thru? all I can do is ask God for guidance for him and help him follow the correct path!
Previous thread:
1 month to go
Well today was mostly good. Had a good day at work. Then had about 2 hours to kill before going out to dinner with a girlfriend. I let my thoughts get better of me. I sat wondering what if.... why????? What did I do????
Went to dinner in was so nice to be with friends. I realized that I had let most of my friends go. I have decided I need to GAL!
My heart just hurts. Think it might be anxiety but not sure. I wonder if I should go see MD but don't want to really go on anything. I'm strong I can do this!
Well crap. My D came home from work all mad. OW (if you call a 25yr old a woman) asked another coworker if my D was mad at her because she doesn't want that. They wanted to know why. OW said because of R with H. They told her H is married, OW said no , H has been divorced for a month. Uhm no, he only moved out of th house 3 1/2 weeks ago. No papers or nothing has been talked about. H still wearing wedding ring. Is she stupid or naive??? But that tells me that H is lying to her. But why????
D confronted H in private about "looking his girlfriend on a leash". H said its none of your concern. She said yes it is when coworkers start talking OT asking me about it! H didn't say anything. Just scoffed at D and walked away from her. I'm so pissed off at him right now. It's one thing to be doing this but Letti g it affect D relationship that is fighting words!!
I live this man when he is sober/sane. How do I handle this?
Tab,
If your h lied to you, do you honestly think he would be honest w/the OW and everyone else? MLCers lie all of the time. If their lips are moving, the lies spew forth. They are in denial of what they are doing. Their relationship is built on lies and the so called love nest is built on sand and what happens to sand when it rains? The love nest will fall. That's why it's important to allow the affair to run a natural course because 9 times out of 10 they are built on lies.
Now, about your daughter. There's nothing she can do about what her father is doing. The more she talks to him about it, the more determined he's going to be to do what he's doing and he's going to shut her down and distance himself from her. So, when employees question your daughter about the situation, she needs to advise them that they need to speak directly to her father. As she is not in the habit of discussing family business outside of the immediate family. She needs to get herself out of discussing her father and his affair w/the employees. She can be nice about shutting the employees down, but she needs to do it soon so that they don't continue to come to her for info to gossip about.
Job,
Yes i get that. Just didn't think H would lie to everyone, but I guess if H is lying to me , why wouldn't H do that with everyone. Thank you for reminding me, this is a disease/sickness.
I have not interferred at all or contacted H since C on Wednesday. i am letting go and letting God help H thru his situation. "detaching", is that what this would be called?
As for D, the R with H was already strained b/c of H drinking and other factors, which i don't truly know, built up anger or whatever from prior years where D thought she needed to be responsible for H if/when I wasn't there. before confrontation yesterday their only interaction was only at work, but i don't know if they will even have that.
I affirmed D that she has every right to be mad,angry,hurt,upset, etc. No one can tell her she can't feel these things and no one can take that from her. D is a very private person, so i know that this will not be an issue for her not to talk about H and OW Affair. My only concern there is that others will talk and she will finally hit her breaking point and implode or explode!
i am trying to work on myself. trying being the key word. i have lucid moments and then i have some insane moments. I think the lucid moments are becoming more often than the insane moments. Insane moments come when I don't have something to keep me busy. Tonight is going for a walk with a friend after work as everyone will be out of the house and I can't just sit there.
Well I was just sitting at home visiting with a friend and out of the blue I get a text from H @ 830 (he had been at the bar since 4pm) so I can safely he assume he is drunk at this point.
1st text stated "what the h3ll are you trying to do". I went to respond and decided that better not to
then get this one "You are sending me into a panic attack. You not want me to be happy
Then this one " I want a divorce. I told you that in the last session "
Well I have no idea where this was coming from. I have not talked to
h sinc counseling. H has not text me anymore tonight.
Then D came home and said she told OW that my dad is still married and is going to marriage C with my mom. So I don't know that is what caused this because OW said that wow that is not what he has told me. I hope may e that this is the start of the end. I know I can't do anything but to pray. Also I don't know what to think about the text stating he wants a divorce he has never uttered those words before. Well 10yrs ago he did but we never separated them. H was always in the house. My anxiety is extremely high. My heart is hurting just trying to beat normally.
I went and got some melatonin to try to get some sleep.
Well, the cat's out the bag and now the OW knows that he is still married and attending counseling. I'm sure she wasn't a happy camper. Sounds like your h was pretty down in the dumps and drinking to ease his pain and guilt. Don't bring up the texts to him. Just sit quietly and see what transpires in the next few days.
I wouldn't worry too much about the texts as he was in a bar and very unhappy at the time. He may not even remember what he texted you. However, if he is on the path of a divorce, then let him file. Don't do the dirty work for him.
Try to enjoy your weekend and keep the focus on you. I hate to say this...but...your daughter needs to step back and allow things to play out. She does not need to add fuel to the fire right now.
Job,
Thank you. I guess I needed the reassurance that yes H was down and out and that is why H sent those.
I will not mention them or contact him today. I don't sit and wait for him to contact me either. When I do see his name pop up on my phone I freak out. It's such a whirlwind with his drinking that adds fuel to the fire.
Detaching is the hardest part as I know he needs help for the alcoholism. I'm trying with Al-anon and I'm going to attend an AA meeting for me to learn how more to deal with my H, the alcoholic. And working on the a support system for that situation. I am gaining more and more support from here regarding how to handle me and H moving out.
I am trying to find friends that are in the same predicament. To support and encourage. I'm afraid I may have to stop talking/discussing this with family and current friends not involved directly ( besides being my friends).
Am I wrong to "cut out" friends and family in the way of this? No I won't stop seeing them just want to not talk about these things
I would suggest that you seek out one or two friends to talk to about your situation. The rest of your friends...stick to general topics an leave the relationship issues at home. The same would apply w/your family. The more you talk about what he's saying or doing w/family and friends, the harder it will make it for him to return to the relationship. Many of the MLCers find it is easier to just move on than to face the people who know about what he/she did during their crisis.
Also, people mean well and will tell you to divorce him, move on and take him to the cleaners for what he's done. Take what they way w/a grain of salt because they've not walked in your shoes and do not understand the situation that you are in.
If he contacts you, you don't have to pick up the phone or respond to a text message right then and there, but at some point in the day, you may want to return the call, but that's up to you.
Try to enjoy your weekend.
Agreed - find one or two close friends to discuss with. Maybe an Alanon friend.
I am glad I wasnt discussing my sitch all over town 5 years ago, now 5 years later I am catching up long time friends regarding what happened. It is much easier now discuss and its a much clearer story, much less muddled by emotions.
Thank you everyone. I am back, took a week to i don't know what to do. I would say be me, but that wasn't it. I don't know what this last week was. GRRR.... well our C cancelled on our, got an appointment with H's addiction C and then as I was pulling into the parking lot he cancelled and said he just wasn't ready to meet with her AND me. i told H that I wouldn't go. H said he isn't ready. i went to the appointment and filled the C in on the happenings since she last saw him, which was Dec 2015. she believes H started drinking again at that point, maybe not full force but enough that he was starting his addiction mind set again.
this week was my bday week. i tried REALLY hard not to talk to H at all... but things i think got out of hand. OW was out of town this weekend so H came to the house to spend my bday with me. things didn't go well at all... he had anxiety so bad it wasn't even enjoyable. he had anxiety because H told OW he would take care of her dog. i told him go take care of the dog. Then when H got back we had to talk finances and i BLEW up.... i was yelling screaming, crying, etc. I have not done any of that since all of this crap started. Yes I cried to myself and not let him see but I just lost it and I don't know why.
Then Sunday my family threw me a surprise 40th party. I really enjoyed myself... i was shocked i had NO clue. But as I was pulling into the parking lot of the party my H text me that I broke up with OW. I hope you are happy. I didn't respond as I didn't think it needed a response. H went to friends house to talk and H was all worked up because I wasn't talking to him. I just don't know the right response. am i happy , yes, should i be, yes. will i let H know. I don't think so. it wasn't a game I won (yes my H is the prize i hope to get back) but right now is not the time. H did text again that night stating he wasn't doing good. I called H due to he is depressed and he has attempted suicide before. I talked with H for about 1/2 hour and got H calmed down. Then yesterday didn't talk to H much, but then we ended up at the same friends house to watch basketball... I tried really hard to be his Friend. I just wanted to hug and kiss him and tell him it was going to be ok.
i am working on detaching and i am struggling with that.
Happy Belated Birthday! I'm glad that your family threw you a surprise birthday party. I'm sure it was a very nice party w/family all around you.
As for your h, he may have broke up w/the ow, but it's not over for them. He still is dog sitting and that's a tie w/them for now. His withdrawal from her is going to take a while and if he can cut all contact w/her after the dog sitting chore, that would be great...but that's on him to do this. Of course, he's going to blame you for his unhappiness and also the breaking up w/the ow...but that's not your worry right now. He's got a lot of work to do and you can't rescue him because he's got to hit bottom before he can rise to the surface again. Will he hit bottom? Time will tell.
For now, your focus has to be on you and taking care of you. Be a good listen to your h, but don't try to fix him...you can't. He will need to make the move to see an IC and possibly go into rehab to get a grip on his addiction.
Fasten your seat belt because it's going to be a bumpy ride for quite some time.
Job,
Thank you! I know in my mind i can't fix him, i am currently working on reminding my heart that I can't. I have to let him hit rock bottom.
dog sitting is done with. it was just for this past weekend. it was done when H text me that he broke up with her.
H has found a place to stay, i am in a tizzy about it. not to him, but to myself. I don't want this, but i can't stop it. as it will be worse if I try!
I wonder if he's going to stay w/friends, rent a room or an apartment...watch the financial side of things from now on. I hope that I am wrong, but he may very well begin spending a bit of money to furnish his new place and on himself. They do get the "entitlement bug" along the way.
No, you didn't want this, but you can't stop it either. The only things that you can do is pray and protect your finances/assets.
H told me he found this place on Craigslist. A guy is looking for a roommate. No lease no deposit just month to month.
I'm trying to protect my/our finances. H is starting new job tomorrow. worried he won't put check into our account to help protect his kids. I cannot afford our home without his check.
I lost it when I got home today and went to our bedroom and saw the almost empty closet. I know that we can come back from these things as my H and I have in the past. But never like this. H has never left our gamut home before!
How are you TabD? I keep checking if there are some news from you but no. I hope it's what they say: no news good news.
I can relate how you feel about almost empty closet in the bedroom. When this happened to me I filled it up with his stuff which were in another room. Mostly winter stuff that he didn't need. Felt better :-).
I second everything Job said.
Sending some strength your way.
B.
I've been out of it. I lost track of reality. My D graduated high school should have been one of the happiest days of our lives. It was the straw that broke the camels back. That was a week ago Sunday. Then on Monday I tried to have myself admitted to psych ward here in my town. Buy since I wasnt a threat to myself or to anyone else they would not admit me. I have been put into an outpatient program! I have been diagnosed with an "adjustment disorder". I'm on meds and I start seeing a counselor this upcoming Monday. I went back to Al-anon this week and I have been reading quite a bit of literature from them as well. It has helped some. I am trying to take one day and make it about me. I do have to make sure I'm taking care of D that still lives with me at home.
I have been not responding to H text messages and if I do it is not immediately. Now I picked up some of his meds today (nice I know) but now I'm getting text messages about how he needs them and he can't believe I didn't bring them to him and how he is starting to resent me. Wow that one hurt. I just ignores them. I know or am most certain that H is drinking and lashing out at me. But words hurt.
I am trying. It's hard after almost 20yrs together where I did everything for him and picked up the pieces and made everything work out to not do that now is hard. It takes so much to NOT fix things or bend over and let him have what he wants. I would have said needs but nope I think it's more wants than needs. He is hurting and needs to blame someone. I'm that someone. He can't blame himself or accept the blame for his actions so blame me! Take it out on someone who has always taken it and never left.
I am so sorry to read that things haven't been going well for you. I know that the outpatient program isn't what you had hoped for, but it's a start and now you have some idea as to what you are dealing with. Hopefully, in time, you will feel better
It's best not to respond to your h's texts because all he's doing is blaming you and the entire world for his problems. I would slowly cease doing things for him like picking up his meds and running errands for him. He's a big boy and can do those things for himself. After all, most places are open until 8-9 PM each and every night. If he needs to grow up, accept his faults and work on himself and as long as you continue to do things for him, he's not going to do that. I know, you've done this for him the entire marriage, but right now, that old marriage is a dead one.
It's time to put yourself first and get well. Your h needs to face the consequences of his actions and you can't help him...he has to do it himself.
Tab, it's time to take care of YOU! Please take care of yourself.
Job thank you. I do know that I need to put me 1st. It's hard and I feel so guilty about doing that!!!
Just got a text from H that woke me up that H said he trained a lawyer today. Not sure how or what. I'm freaking out!!!
Breathe. If he's retained a lawyer, then it's time for you to be seeking legal representation or at the very least speaking to a lawyer to see what your options are and what you are entitled to. He could very well be saying things about a lawyer to shake you up...until you actually receive something in hand, then I wouldn't freak out.
Definitely start shopping around for legal advice today. Some lawyer's offer a "first" consultation for free. Start looking around and setting up appointments today. Don't put this off. There is nothing wrong in educating yourself on the legalities of separation/divorce...just don't share w/your h what you learn.