A door closing and another opening...

Posted By: Sotto

A door closing and another opening... - 03/24/16 01:47 PM

Link to old thread:

Posted By: Sotto

Re: A door closing and another opening... - 03/26/16 09:25 AM

Well, it's been a bit of a rollercoaster 24 hours and nothing at all to do with H!

Last night I went for a nice meal with my divorce group. Got home around midnight & went straight to bed. Unbeknown to me, the group were chatting on WhatsApp & were wondering why I didn't post when I got home (I normally do.) They became concerned & tried to ring me (phone was turned off). Next thing I know, one of the guys was ringing my doorbell at 1am to see if I was okay. Woke me up. I thought - who is this guy on my doorstep at 1am and assumed he was looking for a nightcap (or worse!) He said he just wanted to check I was okay and I (rather grumpily) said - yes?? & see you another time.

Well, it was only when I read the app this morning that I realised what had happened and that he and one of the girls had jumped in the car & driven for 20 mins to see if I made it home safe and was okay! I've apologised & explained I misunderstood and we all had a laugh about it, but I had a poor nights sleep worrying about it.

Then, this morning I lost my bank card and had to cancel it. Then this afternoon (good news really) I sold my car and they transferred funds to me and drove it away as soon as they cleared. So I now suddenly have no bank card and no vehicle!

So, I'm just trying to settle myself back down and recover from all of this. I cancelled an outing this evening with a good friend and she's a little miffed with me. But is was one of those moments when I thought - what do I have to do to look after myself here - and that was it. Anyway, hopefully life has stopped spiralling out of control for now and the rest of the weekend is a bit less eventful!

Take care all xx
Posted By: job

Re: A door closing and another opening... - 03/26/16 09:36 AM

You've certainly had the busy night and day thus far of the weekend. I'm glad that your group is looking out for you even though you got a visitor in the wee hours. At least you know that they care about you and want to ensure you arrived home safely.

I'm sorry about the bank card. Hopefully it will turn up very quickly and you can then destroy it. Congratulations on the car sale!

Please take care of yourself.
Posted By: Sotto

Re: A door closing and another opening... - 03/26/16 09:43 AM

Thanks Job - yes lesson learned - always post and let them know I got home safe!

Hope you have a good Easter weekend xx
Posted By: job

Re: A door closing and another opening... - 03/26/16 09:47 AM

I hope you have a nice Easter. Are you going to visit your parents or stay home and relax?
Posted By: rd500

Re: A door closing and another opening... - 03/26/16 10:26 AM

H Sotto. Sorry about your aggro but it's nice to the group care. Bank card is a pain but car sold , so ups and downs and in the long run only ups !!!!

When's the new car arriving ???

Have a good evening and take care. Rd. xx
Posted By: Sotto

Re: A door closing and another opening... - 03/26/16 10:45 AM

Thanks both. My Dad is away and Mum's in respite. I'll get over to visit her, transport permitting! I have social things on every day with friends & I'm volunteering at the bookstore on Monday I think.

RD, I pick up the car on Wednesday, so I'm looking forward to that. I just need to figure out how to pay for the insurance in the meantime without a bank card. I could ask H to use the joint acct card, but I don't really want to do that! I'll be glad to get the new car and have everything settle down a little...xx
Posted By: Sotto

Re: A door closing and another opening... - 03/28/16 05:55 AM

Hi Job (or any others who may be reading...)

As you know, we're just settling finances and after that, my H is likely to finalise the D. We haven't seen each other for 18 months, or spoken for 9 months. Everything is via email and text and all pleasant. He is still with OW as far as I know.

At this point - on the bring of D. Do you think there is anything more or different I should think of doing. I'm resigned to the D and I guess the answer is probably just to sit back and let it happen - but I'm just checking to make sure!

Thanks for your support and advice xx
Posted By: job

Re: A door closing and another opening... - 03/28/16 06:01 AM

Hi Sotto,

I hope you had a pleasant Easter.

I have seen many of them rush things to the point of separating everything and then just stalling. If you truly want the D, you could say something to him after settling the finances, but if you are actually in no hurry for the D, then I would sit quietly and see what he does.
Posted By: Sotto

Re: A door closing and another opening... - 03/29/16 11:59 PM

Thanks Job smile. From what I understand, I'll receive a sum of money when the £ agreement is signed (which will pay for the car and a it more.) Then a further sum once the agreement is court stamped. H's L has advised that H plans to finalise the D as soon as the £ agreement is signed. D still isn't what I want, but I guess I have already said that to H - and H is still going strong with OW at this point and I think will follow the D to conclusion.

If he doesn't finalise the D, I believe the option of doing that opens up to me two or three months later - even though he filed. So I guess I can review at that point and if I wanted to finalise things I could. The largest sum of money won't come my way until the house sells anyway, so I guess that is when things get more pressing.

I'll just sit tight and keep moving forward for now I think. Xx
Posted By: Sotto

Re: A door closing and another opening... - 04/03/16 01:54 AM

Quick update from me. Been a busy week at work and a few social things. Was out last night with my divorce group chums and had a good time. Meal out on Thurs with ladies social group. The next divorce group starts up soon and I'm involved on the fringes of that too.

All quiet on the legal front just now. The signed financial agreement is with his L now presumably needing him to call in and sign. He and I had a couple of small interactions this week about me using our joint account due to lost bank card. I noticed he was back to curt two word responses or no response. That used to hurt a lot and now I'm better at thinking 'that's interesting' and going about my day.

No results from the STD screening yet.....hoping no news is good news and if I don't hear soon, I'll get in touch with them. Got my new car this week and thrilled with it - glad I decided to get just what I wanted.

Quite a social week again this week and I'm going away on a yoga and walking weekend next weekend - looking forward to that. Been in touch with SS to see if he wants to visit for a day - not sure if he'll make it down due to exam revision and my limited availability, but we'll see.

Life trundles along....and not in a bad way.....take care all xx
Posted By: rd500

Re: A door closing and another opening... - 04/03/16 09:12 AM

Hi Sotto. Pleased for you regards the car. Your GAL still impresses and your an example to us all on keeping busy.

Have a great week

Take care. Rd. xx
Posted By: BrightFuture

Re: A door closing and another opening... - 04/03/16 05:46 PM

Originally Posted By: Sotto
- and H is still going strong with OW at this point and I think will follow the D to conclusion.

Hi Sotto, how do you know this? I think you assume this because H keeps following the D path. But, his recent two word replies could mean something different. He could be irritated with the whole situation, or something is going wrong with OW (which at some point is inevitable grin ), or she is not happy about him communicating with you (which means insecurity and R built on lies and betrayal)Ö So , I donít think I would use the word ďstrongĒ when describing his R with OW. Just my opinion.

Iím glad that you are keeping busy with social life. And congratulations on the new car! It is a big decision!
Posted By: Sotto

Re: A door closing and another opening... - 04/04/16 12:37 AM

Thanks RD - I'm glad to still be impressive grin

Bright, thanks for the reminder - it was needed actually, as I do 'buy in' to the whole notion that I'm the ex W now, OW is H's GF now and everybody accepts that. Whilst I read about the volatility and probable doom of such R's I fail to see it in my own situation sometimes. I do feel like he has totally checked out and moved on. Again, who knows how things may ultimately unfold and I do try not to sit around and think/wait for that - after all, the R could continue for months/years from now. It's not a part I get to control.

But I do know that OW is emotionally fragile and her last R was an A, then she cheated on him with H. So, she is clearly an affair down and the whole situation doesn't bode well. However, I suspect the usual suppressing of needs may be going on within H in order to keep things on track - but who knows with probable MLC in the mix too. And even if this OW were gone, another might follow etc...who knows??

Anyway.....enough of boring old them! I'm off today and plan to make the most of it - pottering around with some chores, food shopping and generally catching up - a nice gentle day in store for me.

Thanks for posting xx
Posted By: Sotto

Re: A door closing and another opening... - 04/04/16 05:11 AM

Well, the test results came back all clear - hooray!!

Also, I just had an email from H asking where to transfer these funds. Sounds like he has signed the agreement now. I'm a little intrigued about the recent show of coldness. There seems to have been a shift from pleasant cooperation (but I've completely gone) to cold and minimal. I sent back a pleasant reply with a couple of questions about the house. I want to call the agents and discuss strategy with them, so I'll see how H responds. Other than that, I'll shrug, get on with my day and be glad funds are on the way!

Posted By: Sotto

Re: A door closing and another opening... - 04/04/16 08:12 AM

So, initial funds have arrived with me and H and I agreed on a price reduction for the MH after I had a chat with our agents to get their views. H bought me into the loop with both agents by email, introducing me as his W - felt a bit weird as we're in the end stages of D.

Anyway, hoping there will be some renewed interest in the MH now. Also arranged a visit with SS next week. Funny how your sitch trundles along for longish periods of time and then there are flurries of activity. This has been a flurry, but I feel calm & centred.

smile xx
Posted By: Pax_luv

Re: A door closing and another opening... - 04/04/16 09:30 PM

Hi Sotto,
I'm glad you are doing well and high five on the clear test 😊

My h gets cold too, especially when any discussion occurs around money. I know once we start moving this along, our cordial interactions will change. You seem to be totally on top of this, regardless of your h's mood. Keep being awesome smile
Posted By: Pink17

Re: A door closing and another opening... - 04/06/16 10:15 AM

Hi Sotto,

Wow...go girl!!! Your GAL is indeed impressive. My divorce group have always a million and one thing to do on weekdays and weekends. I can't really keep up with so much activities.

I smiled about the car. In my case, my XH gave me a car right in the middle of the divorce process. Go figure. I guess I got the best of his guilt. Glad you are pampering yourself. It sure makes a girl feel good. What kind of car did you get?

Sotto, TBH I still deal with the rollercoaster effect after seven months being divorced. I guess it just goes away when it is not in our heart anymore. I read your posts and I think you are doing better then most of us in this board. Feel happy for you.

I think that the reason of his cold shoulder could be that he is also seeing the end of a R. For him, at his age, he may be asking himself why it happen this way, why life did not work out for him. He may easily be thinking if there is anything wrong with himself since it is his 2nd marriage.

So, I would say that it is hard to get to conclusions and think that he may be just cold. He may be hiding his real feeling of failure. We have been dealing with all the different feeling throughout the process, but it may be for him the time that he is facing it more closely and feeling the weight of all his doings.

Glad you got your test and it is all clear. I did mine some time ago. I cried at the Dr's office like there was no tomorrow. I felt anger and a lot of heart pain. I was not ashamed about it, I was just in such pain for the reason I was doing it.

Sotto, take care after yourself and try to keep your health in check. As much as you prepare for that day that you will sign the final D, it sure is not easy.

I got very sick after that day. I had no energy and no desire to move. Then I forced myself and my body responded with a big fever. The psychological side of it is powerful and it can make us sick without any bug.

Remember, it is one day at a time.
Love always,
Posted By: Sotto

Re: A door closing and another opening... - 04/07/16 01:47 AM

Hey Pink, thanks for your post Sweetie smile X

Yes, I feel in a pretty good place lately and I'm not even sure if the D finalising will cause me pain. It may, but I feel for me some of the intense pain may have passed. It still comes and goes but I am generally at peace with where I am.

I have been busy with GAL and I am starting to assess invites a little more instead of saying yes to pretty much everything. A couple of times I've felt a bit over-extended and hauled it back in a little. It's nice to know there are some things I could be doing if I chose to, but I haven't chosen to.

I'm off today and I'm going to be packing for my yoga retreat, having a hair cut and looking in on M&D. Mum hasn't been too well this past week or so, and I'm concerned - hoping she picks up soon. I'm only an hour away on the retreat, but I never like going away when she's not too good. But I do want to take the break for myself and have been looking forward to it for a while.

Hoping for a little flurry of activity on the house now that we reduced the price. If it sells soon, I'll be pleased and we can break that tie. My D group friends have offered to come up with me to sort and pack, which is kind of them and I think I'll take them up on that.

Haven't posted about nice guy at work for a while. Hadn't seen much of him due to site changes - but he has joined a regular meeting I attend now and I saw him this week. I do find him attractive and we shared a couple of jokes. I am interested in him, but I would like to maintain my 'no dating just yet' stance - not that he's asked anyway!

One thing I'm thinking about is whether to write a closing letter to H on our D. I partly want to and partly don't. I feel the door closing more and I don't even know if I would want to try and reconcile with H again. Moving on alone and forming a possible new R in time feels more appealing just now - so I'm pondering on what I would want to say and whether I would want to say it - or whether do nothing is the way to go.

Anyway - that's where I'm at folks & thanks for reading :)x
Posted By: Huddy

Re: A door closing and another opening... - 04/07/16 03:35 AM

A rare visit to MLC land for me Sotto! Normal service will be resumed!

I have a colleague who wants us to be 'divorce buddies', similar in respect to your group. Personally, the idea repulses me, as, so far, I'm not D'ing yet. I don't think I could take the convo!

Selling the MH is a pain, but at least that will give you piece of mind and some closure on that front.

Nice guy at work? Why don't you ask? Go Sotto!
Posted By: bttrfly

Re: A door closing and another opening... - 04/08/16 04:08 AM

Hi Sweetie,
Just a quick pop in to say hey and have a great yoga retreat. There's nothing wrong with becoming friends with the nice guy at work, is there? I mean, there's nothing wrong with hanging out as friends until and if you're ready for more??? The best relationships are built on friendships, right? Just. saying. friendship now, while your in the "not dating" time frame ...
Hope your mother feels better soon, and you have a great time xoxoxo
Posted By: mleigh4

Re: A door closing and another opening... - 04/08/16 09:58 AM

Enjoy your weekend, I have been wanting to try a yoga retreat so looking forward to hearing about it.

Hope your mom feels better too.

I am sure there will be ups and downs, seems normal. You are doing great to expect that and ride with it. Seems like you know yourself well and know what to do as needed. I think that is a wonderful trait and a very important part of this journey.

Take care Sotto
Posted By: rd500

Re: A door closing and another opening... - 04/08/16 11:56 AM

Hi Sotto , have a great weekend

Take care. Rd xx
Posted By: Pax_luv

Re: A door closing and another opening... - 04/08/16 04:57 PM

Hi Sotto,
I hope the retreat brings even more light into your life and that you come back feeling strong and resilient. Have a great time! Namaste. smile
Posted By: Sotto

Re: A door closing and another opening... - 04/10/16 10:16 AM

Thanks for your good wishes guys - I did have a lovely time. We were only just over an hour away, but it was a beautiful area that I don't know too well. I really liked the yoga teacher and 8 of our group were staying in the same annex, so I got to know them quite well. We were also blessed with some beautiful weather and the walks we did were great!

As far as spirituality goes - this break was probably at the low end. It was pretty social and quite a lot of wine was drunk and some good laughs. It was an all female group of 13, some had come alone and some with friends. One lady came with her Mum. All nice people who were interesting and mixed well. I got to spend lots of time with the good friend I went with (she and I are like ships that pass, so that was good.) We also bumped into a guy who asked me out years ago (before I met H.) I kind of fluffed things at the time and we never got together. But I got to meet his wife and four kids, which was nice.

We're already talking about a similar break next year and about making this an annual trip we do together. I'd highly recommend it (MLeigh!) to anyone considering it.

Friend and me chatted a little about H - not much really - and like most of 'my' people, she's in favour of 'moving on.' Whilst it's kind of a moot point anyway, it would be hard to make a decision that my nearest and dearest would be unhappy with. I think it's maybe more acceptable if you have kids together and people would appreciate more why you would want to try. I do think I'm becoming more of a WAW - which may be no bad thing as our D is about to finalise.

I guess where I struggle a little is the whole MLC journey and what I know could happen much further down the line. It may not happen, but I know it could. And if it did, I would have been the one to give up. I also worry about getting involved with someone else too soon, and feel the draw of 'nice guy' - but also feel the door should be closed before you think of that. I hate the thought of causing anyone else hurt due to my situation.

Anyway - I'm a little tired and sore, so I'm going to have some R&R tonight. I'm not back at work until Wed, but I have SS coming for a little visit on Tuesday.

Take care all xx
Posted By: mleigh4

Re: A door closing and another opening... - 04/10/16 11:52 AM

I am so glad you had a nice time! I love yoga, it has helped me so much. I really turn to it when I feel stressed or jumbled, it always helps.

I think your struggles are the main reason we all stand. The unknown "what if". I for one would LOVE to wash my hands of this mess we have become, move on with a nice guy who enjoys me for who I am, who loves S as his own.....it all sounds wonderful....but what if? Personally, I think we all prefer our spouse to have that hanging over their head, while we know we did all we could.

It's long, drawn out, exhausting and painful. I think you have handled yourself through this so well, with such grace and class. You inspire many here, I have learned much from your posts. Your H is a fool, I hope he wakes up, but most of all, I hope you find yourself and your life in a Happy and fulfilled place, full of love, laughter and fun.

Enjoy your day
Posted By: HaWho

Re: A door closing and another opening... - 04/10/16 06:09 PM

Sotto - sounds like a great weekend. Glad you enjoyed some much needed
R & R but you were missed here!
Posted By: Sotto

Re: A door closing and another opening... - 04/13/16 10:55 AM

Thanks MLeigh and HaWho smile Yes it is a long road and I do think MLC just grinds along, much in the same way as it takes us time to experience things, absorb, learn, make decisions and so on - separate journeys....

Had a visit from SS yesterday, which was nice. For me, it was a much better visit than last time with his Mum. I felt more calm and confident and we had some good laughs. He dropped a few nuggets of info about H. He said H is hardly at our flat in the city (presumably he's at OW's) and will probably sell it. He also went on a little trip with H and OW at Easter. He never says anything about OW directly (maybe out of consideration for me?) but from one or two things he says I gather she's still on the scene.

So, SS and his Mum have decided to move back to the US when he's 18. H knows - and apparently said he wondered if he should also move there? S and his Mum behind the scenes were like - Duh...who invited you? I said to SS it would be good to have your Dad nearby if he chose to move. In truth, the whole thing is maybe a ticking time bomb and who knows how that will all work out. Also, H's life seems to be very much OW centric with little contact with his family or older friends.

SS also said that H just plans to get a big container and put all the stuff from the MH into it when it sells. I'm careful not to probe too much or be negative about H, and I just tend to 'Hmm' and 'is that so?" Or whatever. Anyway, interesting to get these snippets...Someone took a nice photo of me and SS at lunch and (in response to a text) I sent it to H...no reply tho.

And before I get in trouble for this being all about H - I have been busy GALing too. SS to visit, yoga on Mon and helping at new D workshop last night. Busy weekend ahead too and working next couple of days.

Thanks for reading and take care all.

Ps: Job, I noticed you've not been posting lately....I'm just checking in and hope things are okay with you? Xx
Posted By: rd500

Re: A door closing and another opening... - 04/14/16 04:42 AM

Hi Sotto. Sounds like a good visit with SS. The snippets you talk of , while interesting in one regard , may have very different connotations to how you take them

For example , H even considering moving back to US would make me think things with OW are far from ideal BUT who knows

Your path has been and continues to be a tough one and I can't think of a single person on here who has dealt with it with more strength and grace I'm proud to be consider an online pal and your strength gives up all a light to follow

Being super cute doesn't hinder you either. !!!!!!!!!! I hope that brought a smile to your face !!! If not , I'll get my coat !!

Take care. Rd. xxxx
Posted By: twinmom

Re: A door closing and another opening... - 04/14/16 05:22 AM

You're allowed a post or two about H! He and OW may still be in each others lives but honestly who cares?! Is it a healthy, loving relationship? NOPE!

If I were you I wouldn't set a specific date for not dating.... go by how you feel. There is nothing wrong with taking things very slow.
Posted By: job

Re: A door closing and another opening... - 04/16/16 12:59 PM

I am relieved and happy to read that your test results came back clear! I'm sure you were very much relieved.
Posted By: bttrfly

Re: A door closing and another opening... - 04/16/16 01:43 PM

Sotto you are the most pro GALer here!!! No worries posting about H ... just remember, how it seems to others isn't always what's really going on ..
Posted By: Sotto

Re: A door closing and another opening... - 04/17/16 11:18 AM

Ah, thanks Guys. You are very kind and it is true that I do a little mind reading, which isn't helpful I know. The other thing I forgot to mention is SS says that H hardly uses the London flat and will probably sell it. It just seems as though he's burning through locations and offloading them when he no longer feels happy there. Oh well.

Anyway, a mini update. Gosh I've had a busy time - Friday bookstore and ladies group all Saturday with drinks out last night. Lunch with parents and coffee with a friend today. Lots of social stuff going on. Lately my calendar starts to spin away a little so I'm being a bit more discerning about invites and making sure I don't get over-tired.

I'm expecting the D to be finalised at any point now really. The door opened for H to do that in late Feb but it hasn't happened as yet due to the financials. But they are sorted a couple of weeks ago now, so I expect to receive the decree absolute in the post at any point. I'm back to watching the post again now. It seems as though I have done that many times in the past couple of years.

A little part of me wonders if it suits H a little for our M to still be 'live' as that may mean no pressure from OW. If he is single, there are no barriers to moving things on - but that's total mind reading on my part. And whenever I post that, the 'waited for' thing arrives the next day anyway! People at my end seem to feel I'm forging ahead and on the home straight. I actually feel my sitch remains pretty central in my life and gets a fair amount of headspace - even if I do many positive moving forward things...

Other than that, all is well. I continue to be thankful for many things and work at appreciating and enjoying the good things in my life, working on myself, reading, learning and so on. Plus much GAL of course. I still don't know that the door is closed at my end, but it is open just the faintest chink really and I feel a gentle pressure for it to close. Not so I can date really - though that might be the only thing that would change. Truly I'm enjoying female company, new friends and new experiences just now. I don't feel in any rush to join myself with anyone. Don't feel I crave that affirmation or am ready to do the necessary 'shuffling over' to have someone in my life.

Enjoying the early spring sunshine this weekend, friends, family and free time.

Take care all xx
Posted By: job

Re: A door closing and another opening... - 04/17/16 01:08 PM

I think you are very wise in being more selective w/your time (on your calendar).

How are things going? Did you get your car? If so, how do you like it?

Enjoy the spring like weather. I just saw where some of the states are getting snow.

Take care!
Posted By: Sotto

Re: A door closing and another opening... - 04/21/16 10:43 AM

Thanks Job. I am enjoying the car and feeling grateful for it (though I did manage to scratch it last week - argh!)

Just a non-update from me really. I've been busy working the past few days and on a course today and tomorrow. Helped out at the new D group one evening and I'm out dining and dancing tonight.

Still not received the decree absolute and radio silence from H. It was funny to receive no response to the nice pic of SS and me I pinged over on impulse. But I just tend to think....well, go figure. In truth, I have little hope for our M and certainly not in the short term and I'm okay with that. I did get a final bill from my L for a few £00s - but was pleased it was 'final.' Will be nice to stop the monthly direct debit and enjoy the extra income now.

Was talking to some D group chums about triggers post break-up. I have a few things I avoid - tv programme we watched together, places we went, our marital home, a meal I was cooking at BD. One of my chums said maybe I should immerse myself and it's not healthy to avoid them. I don't know. I think I still have some minor PSTD-like symptoms. For me, the ongoing symptoms are less of sadness and more of trauma recovery in that I thought I was in an emotionally safe place and that was ripped away. If anyone has any thoughts, I would be grateful to hear.

I'm not sure how I will feel post D. I still think the not dating for 2016 is a good plan. And I partly enjoy the current freedom and time with friends. I do also feel a draw - particularly towards nice guy at work. But I think I'll stick to just friendly for now. I don't think someone deserves to pick me up partially healed you know?

Anyway - best go and get my dancing shoes on & take care all xx
Posted By: job

Re: A door closing and another opening... - 04/21/16 02:15 PM

I'm glad you are enjoying your car...but...oops on the scratch! Is it very noticeable? Maybe you can see the dealer about getting some touch up paint if it's not too deep of a scratch.

I think you are wise to hold off dating for a while. You've got to heal and find your footing first. You have to rediscover yourself and yes, put the old baggage away before allowing someone else into your life.

I'm also glad to read that you are still meeting up w/your D group. They've been a huge support to you and vice versa. Eventually, you will begin to go back to some of the things that you use to do w/you were married, but it's going to take some time for that to happen. They are still very much triggers for you at this time.

Hurray! The lawyer bill is now final and you'll have some $$$ in your pocket from not having to pay him!

I do hope that you enjoy your Friday and the weekend. Do something extra special for yourself. Okay?
Posted By: gan

Re: A door closing and another opening... - 04/22/16 03:05 AM

Sotto - not a lot of time to catch up on your thread, but I see that D is around the corner. Truth is: it's all gonna be ok. Promise.

We D'd in December (solo petition - he filed). I started to dip my toes in the dating scene a couple months before that (after 16 months separation) and continue to dabble. I'm glad I took a time out to discover who I am and realise I feel pretty ok being by myself. But meeting new men has also contributed to my personal growth. If it starts to feel ok then give yourself permission to go there.

Much love, gan xxx

PS Good to see that you are still earning your title of pro-GALer ;-)
Posted By: rd500

Re: A door closing and another opening... - 04/22/16 05:49 AM

Hi Sotto. Every new car gets scratched , good job on getting it done and out of the way early !!!!!!

Your insight and honesty with your feelings is , as always , impressive The D is just a piece of paper and not worth worrying about IMHO

Nice guy seems to be getting a bit of headspace and I personally think that's healthy. I'm not suggesting you do anything but at the same time it's good you can see light at the end of the tunnel if you know what I mean

Have a great weekend. Rd. xx
Posted By: Sotto

Re: A door closing and another opening... - 04/22/16 11:36 AM

Gan, I am glad to hear from you & thanks for stopping by. It's always good when an old friend drops back in and I'm glad to hear you are doing well.

Good for you dipping a toe into the dating scene and not jumping in. Best to enjoy it and continue with your growth - and thanks for the words of wisdom.

Take care xx

RD - always good to hear from you and thanks for the vote of confidence smile Gosh, I'm tired tonight and so no GAL. I had a salsa lesson last night & me & couple of friends are thinking of doing an 8 week course...may be fun?! Off to see a movie tomorrow night.

Posted By: Sotto

Re: A door closing and another opening... - 04/24/16 12:55 AM

I'm just bringing this comment from V over to my thread from Bluwave's in newcomers. V posted some really helpful advice to Bluwave and this in particular resonated with me.

"The very last thing is that just because your spouse wants out of the M and is having an A to transition out of their M doesn't mean they are in MLC, it means they want out of their M and can be immature within the context of M, unsuitable for M. They want to walk away and are in an interim A to get the support to do so........personality failures indicate that we should run not walk. Seeking MLC as a reason for failure canot hold back posters and the only way to know is to post and receive feedback."

I keep coming back to this line of thought WRT my H. If he were in MLC, I would feel more inclined to keep the door open a tiny chink. However, my doubt in my sitch is that we haven't been married for 20 years and had kids together. He was M before and that didn't work out. And now our M didn't work out. Is he just an immature person who will always struggle with M because he thinks he needs the 'in love' feelings? Should I actually run, not walk?

Yes, there have been MLC signs, the right age, huge weight loss programme, new clothes, fear about depression closing in, much younger OW etc. But I guess this is where I struggle. I can empathise and dig deep if this is MLC. But if he is an immature person and will just go around this loop again, boy I should run a mile.

Hmm, food for thought....xx
Posted By: beatrice

Re: A door closing and another opening... - 04/24/16 01:59 AM

Sotto - I don't often post these days but you raise an interesting point.

I think the term MLC encompasses a wide range of behaviours - and certainly the person going through it isn't acting in a mature way - There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but an affair is never a good idea.

For me there are a number of 'tells' - one is totally uncharacteristic behaviour. People other than the immediate family are shell-shocked.

Another is total disconnect with their previous life, activities and friends. They drop the marriage and their former life. Maybe keep up with one or two people (who were not necessarily in their pre-MLC inner circle)

In many cases (not all) they are raging and vengeful at some point, and will seek to asset strip their family and spouse.

In other words, in MLC they flip out into being someone else that we, the immediate family, and their closest friends simply do not recognise at all. They are like an alien in your spouse's skin, they have dead eyes and no empathy at all.
Posted By: job

Re: A door closing and another opening... - 04/24/16 06:25 AM

Bea's posting is spot on. I want to add one more characteristic to the MLC mix...confusion.

BTW, Bea has hit on the exact opposite (mirror image) of the person that they once were. This is very, very true.

Whatever the reason for them leaving the marriage, affairs truly are not the way to go about it...but so many of them follow this route, i.e., be it exit affairs or MLC. Such a shame.
Posted By: beatrice

Re: A door closing and another opening... - 04/24/16 08:43 AM

Oh yes, the confusion . . . this is a true story. My xh honestly didn't know whether he was coming or going. About a year after his MLC he set off in the car to drive south. I got notification at my house (of course he hadn't changed his address etc) of a speeding ticket at 3am going in the opposite direction from the one he intended to be going.

There are more details, but what he was doing driving North in the small hours when he told everyone (and intended) to go South will never be known!!
Posted By: Esame

Re: A door closing and another opening... - 04/25/16 04:22 AM

Originally Posted By: Sotto

"The very last thing is that just because your spouse wants out of the M and is having an A to transition out of their M doesn't mean they are in MLC, it means they want out of their M and can be immature within the context of M, unsuitable for M. They want to walk away and are in an interim A to get the support to do so........personality failures indicate that we should run not walk. Seeking MLC as a reason for failure canot hold back posters and the only way to know is to post and receive feedback."

From my very little experience around MLCs and marital problems and potential affairs, I admit that the thought sometimes crosses my mind, but I could not deal with him not being in a MLC and simply being through with me. It is so much easier to justify having to stay in this relationship (for the kids) because H has is going through a MLC rather than admitting that he is just an idiot. I genuinely think it is a MLC, but somethings I wonder..
Posted By: Sotto

Re: A door closing and another opening... - 04/29/16 10:00 AM

Thanks Bea, Job and Esame. He does display many MLC signs. For example, he doesn't even know what month we S last year! Our £ agreement has the wrong date on it and rather than get it changed, I've 'signed up' to a S date 6 weeks later than it was. Anyway, I guess none of it matters too much. I just tell myself, in the unlikely event he does turn back, I would have to consider how I felt at that point. Not much point worrying over that in the meantime.

Well, a mini non-update from me. Since we signed the agreement (and I texted a lovely pic of me with SS to H) it's been total radio silence. I think the £ papers are off to court now for stamping and I guess H may or may not yet have applied for the decree absolute to finalise the D. I'm back to slightly watching the post again - familiar feeling.... crazy

As for me, well I've been doing okay. This week I've had a cold and it hasn't been so social either, but I'm on the mend and I have a few social plans over the weekend. I've been reading His Needs Her Needs, which is interesting. The needs really differ and I wonder if guys who read it find their needs resonate with the 'guys needs.' I thought the list of 10 needs that always seem to crop up..but priority order may vary among folk..was useful.

Scratches on new car are all fixed now, so that worry is over and I can enjoy it. I'm still mulling over possible salsa lessons starting in May too. Feeling pretty detached about H just now - like I'm 'so over' him. Why would I want to spend time worrying over and wanting him? I do feel I'm the prize right now and if he wants to elect to grab the wooden spoon instead - well go for it! I'll make other plans.

I've pretty much decided I'm going to buy this flat (fair price permitting) and I'm making some modest renovation plans for when the time comes. Nice guy and me also been chatting still at work and once I am D'd, I may pluck up the courage to ask him out for a drink. He seems potentially keen....though gives off nervous vibes too. I like him and I like that he has 'provenance' as I have known him for almost 20 years (though he was M for most of that time and D'd a year or two ago.

Anyway, life trundles along and in the main I'm good....working towards great grin

Posted By: job

Re: A door closing and another opening... - 04/29/16 10:50 AM

I hope you feel better soon. Nothing gets you down like a cold. They linger for a while. Try to get some rest over the weekend.

Yes, men's needs are different from women'. I read that book and found it very interesting. It's been around for a while.

I'm glad the scratches on your car have been repaired. One more thing off your checklist of things to do. As for the flat, if you like the place and the area where you are currently living and can afford it, I say go for it! At least you know the people/area and you won't have to pack up and move.

Enjoy the interactions that you are having w/the nice guy. I don't see a thing wrong in asking out for a drink. You might be pleasantly surprised that he's been trying to work up the nerve to ask you as well.

Actually, I think you are already at the great level.

Have a great weekend!
Posted By: melweb

Re: A door closing and another opening... - 04/29/16 02:10 PM

Sotto--I concur with job. You are already at the 'great' level.

And salsa lessons???...You go girl. I would so go with you if I lived anywhere near you. I love dancing!! Do you need a partner? Maybe "nice guy' will go with you. Just a thought..lol
Posted By: bttrfly

Re: A door closing and another opening... - 04/29/16 03:32 PM

Damn right you are the prize!!! H is a fool. His loss is most definitely your gain ... and potentially Nice Guy's also.

Glad car is fixed and spiffy new and you've made the decision about the flat. Sorry about the cold - wish I could send you veggie soup !!!!

Your GAL activities continue to impress me and are a wonderful example for us to follow. Love you and hope you feel better and have a great weekend xoxoxo
Posted By: rd500

Re: A door closing and another opening... - 04/30/16 05:06 AM

Hi Sotto sorry to hear your ill. Good news on the car , hope it wasn't to hard on the wallet 100% agree on you being the prize , and a fantastic prize at that

Mr Nice guy sounds good and maybe a good way to dip your toe in the dating pool. You know him so you would have topics to break the ice and I think it would do you good

As always you are the poster girl for GAL and if you announced snake charming next , I for one would not be surprised

Take care. Rd xx
Posted By: Huddy

Re: A door closing and another opening... - 05/01/16 06:11 AM

Ah, the cold. It's not been a great week for weather. Good on you for salsa lessons and Mr nice guy seems like he might get the prize! Go Sotto!
Posted By: Zephyr

Re: A door closing and another opening... - 05/02/16 07:23 AM

I hope you are feeling better with a little rest!!!

Originally Posted By: Sotto
I wonder if guys who read it find their needs resonate with the 'guys needs.' I thought the list of 10 needs that always seem to crop up..but priority order may vary among folk..was useful.

I would say that the list does resonate with me...the order is not necessarily the same for everyone thought.

over the last year I have been poking and prodding guys in the office into thier insights...call it research.

sexual fulfilment certainly is important (and i would have chalked myself in that category a year ago) but so many of these men are driven truely by desire to be wanted and appreciated...the book may have missed the mark with that one being so low on importance.
Posted By: Sotto

Re: A door closing and another opening... - 05/03/16 01:24 PM

Thanks guys - Z, thanks for the 'needs' insight and RD/Huddy/Bttrfly and Job - thanks for stopping by - & for thinking I'm great already! I don't always feel 'great' - but I do sometimes and I feel I'm making progress.

Yes, I am all better now thanks, and had a nice long weekend - not too busy, but nice things on each day and feeling settled and grounded within myself. You know, I think back to BD now, and the time soon after it and so much time has passed since then. So much time has passed since I even spoke to H, and even longer since I saw him. He and I only met once after BD - astonishing really, after a longish (10+ year relationship.)

I think maybe one of the downsides of DBing, is the closure aspect. Does what I have done provide enough closure? Because we have had so little contact (as a result of DBing) we have hardly talked about what has happened. And I suspect our M will end and we will both move on without any of that happening. That's hard when I think about it - but I am also closer to feeling ready to move on.

When I look at things, ours was a 5 year M and a 10 year R with no kids together. I feel I have done enough to try and save things - and have certainly managed to save myself. I'm not even sure I will feel that much if/when the D is final. Relief perhaps - and maybe some grief - IDK. I guess I'm just feeling more ready for things to be over. Like I no longer want to be legally bound to someone who has been in a R with someone else for a good while.

Anyway - just some musings - and generally I'm doing okay. Still complete radio silence from H, which is fine. I don't plan initiating anything at this stage.

Take care all and thanks for your continuing support - it's much appreciated xx
Posted By: CaliGuy

Re: A door closing and another opening... - 05/03/16 02:54 PM


Sitting here while my car is getting serviced ... Reading your questions about closure. I belong to a group of guys, mostly from 'the other site' who are in various stages of this but mostly all have dropped rope and all attempting to move on.
Closure has been a topic here and there, ya know I am not so sure we will ever get it. Will not even have a chat about it unless they ever do hit bottom, have the stones to bring it up... Would take a lot to go back and actually try to apologize for all the damage and that's if they can remember 10% of it.
Like you I've taken the approach ... I've done the work, worked on me and continue to do this. That's something I wouldn't have done without what happened so there is a good that came from the ashes... I can also look at myself and see a strong good man who went above and beyond to raise the titanic. I'm good, no closure needed... I'm pretty sure what sent her off into MLC, and regardless how good/bad of a husband I was it was going to happen regardless and come hell or high water MLC was destined to destroy the M
I don't know what the future holds but I know what I want from myself, my life and what I want in a partner ... These are nonnegotiable and I'm so thankful for the peace and clarity I now posses after trying to tread water in the quicksand I found myself in for so long
Closure can happen without a word from the MLCr if you look at it in a different light
Posted By: job

Re: A door closing and another opening... - 05/04/16 07:05 AM


This was a lovely and thoughtful posting and you are absolutely right about closure. It surely can come w/o a word or action from the Mlcer. You just have to look at it in a different light...so very true.
Posted By: Sotto

Re: A door closing and another opening... - 05/04/16 01:17 PM

Cali, thanks so much for your post - it was thoughtful and it did help me. Yes, I guess looking for some closure 'from him' would be seeking something I can't control anyway. And I can also see that - even if we had some contact - some of the stuff might really rankle anyway. Like when he decided to file for D he said - he knows he's made some mistakes, but he hopes I'll see that he is a genuine guy and that he just really knows what he wants now.

I suppose like everything related to possible MLC - whatever you may need, you need to do for yourself...

I think the finalising of the D will bring some more closure. Just now - whilst I fully expect him to complete the D - there's also a little part of me conscious of the eleventh hour. And I think when that has passed, I will feel more settled and really able to forge ahead.

After all, I can't see me and H remarrying and me becoming his second AND third life - I don't want my life to become that bizarre!!

Posted By: HaWho

Re: A door closing and another opening... - 05/05/16 01:44 AM

Sotto - the issue of closure is an interesting one.

Being up close and personal to MLC the way I am, personally, I think the best we can do is come to terms with the fact that our spouses have suffered serious mental issues/breakdowns. How much can we expect of a person who has a serious mental disturbance?

Very well said that, as with most things with MLC, whatever we may need, we must provide. We are the ones with our faculties still in tact, after all.

Regarding your h's comment that he hopes you would see he is a genuine guy, I see that astounding MLC entitlement in that comment. I heard similar. My h said the most hurtful and selfish things to me in that letter he sent me. And in it he wrote that it all had to be said as he couldn't live a lie anymore. Seems they are so lost to themselves that they feel entitled to pounce on whatever it is they want with the intent of "being true to themselves."

How much can we expect from a person whose mental problems cause them to be fundamentally selfish?
Posted By: Sotto

Re: A door closing and another opening... - 05/07/16 01:05 AM

Hi HaWho, yes that's interesting what you say about the astounding MLC entitlement in his comment. I hadn't really seen that, so thanks for the insight and I agree that I can't really expect anything from him just now.

Still all silent and I'm in a weird kind of 'brink of divorce' limbo. I think we're just waiting on the court to stamp the signed £ papers then H planned to apply for the decree absolute to end the M. I have a growing feeling that (from my POV) there will be no way back for us if H finalises the D and I will close the door.) I know I can choose to stand beyond D, I just don't think I will want to do that - but I'm still taking each day as it comes.

From what SS said last time, H is hardly at his own flat, so pretty much living with OW at this point. Again, he and I've had no contact since I sent him that lovely pic of SS and me. A bit weird not to even acknowledge it and it does make me a little 'what's going on' twitchy.

But generally I'm fine. Looking after Mum this weekend to give Dad a break. Theatre with a friend tonight. I start Salsa on Monday, drinks Tuesday, yoga Wednesday, gala shopping event with ladies group Thursday. Life rumbles along in a reasonably pleasurable way and I'm by no means unhappy. I just feel a little 'paused on the brink' right now and I'll kind of be glad when we are all sorted.

Had a couple of nice chats with nice guy this week. He's into open water swimming - the whole wet suit in a lake/sea thing - sounds interesting grin

Have a good weekend all xx
Posted By: job

Re: A door closing and another opening... - 05/07/16 04:23 AM

Your STBH received the photo of you and his son, but it chosen not to acknowledge it at the moment. They are so wrapped up in themselves and what they are doing, they tend to put us and anything involving us on the back burner. I wouldn't be too concerned about his lack of response. It was a very nice gesture on your part to share the photo w/him.

You've got a lot planned not only for the weekend, but the week. Be sure to carve out some quiet time to recharge your battery! I can't wait to hear how the Salsa lessons go.

Your nice guy sounds like he will be a lot of fun and who knows, you just may do some open water swimming in the very near future. Whatever you do...enjoy the time w/him and the adventures that he's willing to include you in.

Have a great weekend!
Posted By: rd500

Re: A door closing and another opening... - 05/07/16 10:32 AM

Hi Sotto. I wouldn't think to much beyond today re the D papers. You might feel that there is no way back but that's how you feel now and who knows how you will feel should H change his position.

Glad you chatting with Nice Guy as there is obviously some attraction there and his hobbies would defiantly slot into Sotto GAL. Let's be fair , Sottos GAL could include anything and Nice Guy should really be swimming in shark infested waters to attract Sotto

Take care. Rd
Posted By: 123Gwen

Re: A door closing and another opening... - 05/07/16 03:44 PM

Hi Sotto - just caught up on your posts and thought your observations on closure and Cali's insight was lovely. I will try to look at closure from a different perspective and keep being willing to work on myself with the goal being to learn from the journey instead of worrying about H and OW.

What GAL is on your list?
Posted By: bttrfly

Re: A door closing and another opening... - 05/08/16 07:05 PM

Hi Sotto,
Glad you are feeling better and chatting with NG. Cali's post was spot on for me also. I know what you mean about the limbo. It's irksome, isn't it? But there's not much to be done about it, so in my sitch I'm trying to give it as little power as possible.

Sounds like the week ahead will be great fun. Let us know how the salsa class goes!
xoxoxo to you and Mom today.
Posted By: Sotto

Re: A door closing and another opening... - 05/09/16 04:36 AM

Thanks RD, Job, Gwen and Bttrfly - I appreciate the moral support smile X

Well, an interesting day so far. Looks like we have someone who viewed the house and is interested enough to be raising specific queries about work we had done and the time frame for that.

H had already responded to the list of queries and copied me in. Problem was, his time frames were way off. He replied most of the works were done in 2006 - and we didn't buy the house until late 2008!

I had to do a quick email thanking H for his responses and clarifying we bought the house 2+ years after he stated. I wondered if I might get some comeback from that, but I got copied into a breezy reply saying Gosh, time flies - sorry for any confusion and thanks for clarifying.

Anyway, looks promising with these viewers, so we'll see.

Take care all xx
Posted By: bttrfly

Re: A door closing and another opening... - 05/10/16 06:31 PM

best of luck with the potential buyers Sotto! keep us posted. sending love to you as always oxoxox
Posted By: Pink17

Re: A door closing and another opening... - 05/11/16 03:20 PM

Hi Lovely Sotto,

Sorry to be away for so long. I am alive, but as I posted to RD, I feel like just that... alive. I feel all sorts of things in each chunk of the day. I am like two people in one body right now. Will update soon and tell all about crazy.

Your tread is helpful and painful as well. Looking into different points of view for MLC or not MLC, closures and all beyond is so heart breaking.

There are so many things to weight during this time, I guess only time will help to heal some open wounds and make us whole again.

I feel you are doing fantastic and is moving along with a wonderful life, but I also understand when you are quite and the reality of S, D and a life you built being down to ashes hit hard and the heart has no place to run but just hide inside some echo of Whys that are unanswered.

I spoke w/my sister that lives in Brasil, last sunday and she asked me if I would guess what ghost called her from the land of the dead. I had no idea and mention some names and then she said that her XH (she is divorced for about 5years now) called her to wish happy mother's day and tell her how a wonderful mom and person she was, is and he is sure she will always be.

She mention that he has getting closer, wants to know if she needs anything, more helpful, etc. and then this. She was shocked, she said she didn't know what to say even.

He still lives with OW, but who knows what got into him and he is changing again. My sister has moved on long time ago but it disturbed her. Made her think and guess of what is going on with him. My sister has been alone for all this time and does not really want to be with anyone since she is still raising her daughter that is now 14years old.

So, lots to think and we just know nothing about tomorrow. Everything is possible even when it looks impossible.

But is there any reason to stop ourselves and just wait on what ifs ??? So we move forward and forward. I think that if at some point in time we just disconnect our hearts from the WS then the bad luck is theirs if they attempt to come back, it won't hurt us anymore.

And if we decide to take them back, it will be in a way of a new R, starting from some kind of beginning. Who knows, anything is possible as long as we are breathing.

I have been under the weather and thinking of how many times you just don't feel too good or have low energy to keep going and I found myself more often feeling like that.

I think that our bodies took so much punches in the last two years that we are still recovering and the body is still trying to get to a more healthy spot. We need to be gentle with ourselves or we will end up seriously sick.

As always I love reading your posts and love if you try some open swimming. I love water, I am even thinking that at some time in the future I want to move to Florida to be close to the water. Of course, I do not like open lake swimming, I really like the ocean and the surfing. Not sure if I would attempt so much as I did right now, too many years in Colorado put me into retirement.

Love you lots,
Posted By: Sotto

Re: A door closing and another opening... - 05/12/16 01:55 PM

Bttrfly, thanks....your good wishes worked and we accepted an offer on the house today! Kind of sad, but also glad to have things moving there. I don't like that the house has sat empty for so long and it will be nice that new people love it.

Pink, great to see a post from you Sweetie and I hope you'll update us on how things are going soon....I've missed my fiery friend and I'm glad you find my thread helpful (if painful sometimes too.) Yes I struggle a little with the whole razed to the ground and ashes thing. In many ways I'm pretty happy and busy with 'new life' things - and other times I can't quite believe it has all happened. Still, we move forward and time begins to heal all things.

I've been to a nice event with my ladies group tonight and bookstore tomorrow. Another friend has suggested a yoga retreat in the autumn which sounds nice. Already looking forward to next salsa class and had a nice little chat with guy from work (we were the only ones in the office for a bit today smile )

Reading some old threads posted by cadet, I noticed one which said with MLC, your strategy is really to out-wait the crisis and work on you - and that resonated. Can I out-wait the crisis. Truly I'm not sure. MWD posted today about seeking a partner who isn't a soulmate, but is willing to stick with things and work them out. I do think emotional maturity would be the number one thing I would seek in a possible new mate now.

Take care all xx
Posted By: job

Re: A door closing and another opening... - 05/12/16 02:02 PM


I'm glad you accepted an offer on the house. One less thing to have to continue to worry about. I'm sure you are sorry to it sold, but you've got the right attitude about new people loving it versus it sitting empty.

I'm also glad to see that you are getting out and about w/friends having a good time. A yoga retreat sounds like fun and this will give you something to look forward to in the autumn. BTW, how did the first Salsa class go? Meet any new and interesting people there?

Continue to focus and work on yourself. Time has a way of slipping by us so quickly and we can't recover the time we've lost focusing on the MLCers. Definitely...emotional maturity is one of the first things that I would consider high on the list when looking for a new mate. You want someone who is going to be there for you during the good as well as the bad/tough times.

Keep up the good work!
Posted By: rd500

Re: A door closing and another opening... - 05/12/16 02:56 PM

Hi Skoro. Get news about the house Good to see Nice guy and you had a chance to chat. He's mentioned quite a bit is t he !!!! Only teasing , he's a llucky man to even have a slight interest from a lady such as yourself

Take care. Rd. xxxx
Posted By: bttrfly

Re: A door closing and another opening... - 05/12/16 07:23 PM

Hi Sotto,
Mixed bag of feelings on the house sale I understand perfectly. Congrats anyway. Ultimately it will be fine, but you already know this.

Talking it up with nice guy from work eh, lol wink

Ugh to waiting it out. Cadet is right but dang ... not sure I can wait it out. What does that say about me? Lack of faith? Dunno ... anyway ... sounds like you are doing well and I'm very happy for you xoxoxoxo hugs
Posted By: Sotto

Re: A door closing and another opening... - 05/16/16 05:29 AM

Thanks Job, RD and Bttrfly - I appreciate the moral support smile X

Clearing out the marital home has been weighing on me and I started to dither. I don't want to have to do it but I need to. So, today I came up with a plan - contacted friends who said they are willing to help, confirmed a date and booked a van - all for two weeks time. I think I'll just be relieved to have that out of the way and know I'm outta there - even if there is still legal stuff ongoing - I don't physically need to go back.

So, I have two friends driving up with me from here and two friends local to there who will also come and help. With five of us I hope to be in and out in a few hours as much of my stuff is already down here. It's really only big items and a few other bits and pieces. I feel a little better about it all knowing I have a plan.

Lots of interaction via email with H - all pleasant and much as 'colleague' liaison would work. That's fine and I'm much less conscious of thinking what I write now - so much less concerned about possible R - that I just get the job done pleasantly and that's it. If I met H for the first time as he is now, he wouldn't be of interest to me.

Feeling stress levels a bit higher, but I'm basically fine. I just need to get through this next phase and sever the ties with our old house. Heard today that H has offered on a house in the city. It's testament to how far I've come that I barely wondered...where and with whom??

Take care all xx
Posted By: ciluzen

Re: A door closing and another opening... - 05/16/16 06:19 AM

Hi Sotto. Looks like we're in the same boat, having accepted an offer on my house as well. Had my inspection on Saturday and close in late June. I sure hope I can handle this as cool as you are. Still trying to figure out where I'm moving to. Looking forward to reading your updates as you navigate through these waters first. (((hugs)))
Posted By: job

Re: A door closing and another opening... - 05/16/16 06:23 AM

I'm glad you've lined up some friends to help you w/the packing and movement of furniture. Not only will they be there to help with the packing, but they will provide moral support to you as well. It's never easy to pack up and know that it may be your final visit to the home that you once loved...but again, they will be there to help you and w/the help, it will be a quick pack up and move. BTW, do you have room at your current place for the furniture you are moving or will you store it at somewhere?

Remember...don't sweat the small stuff...everything will fall into place. You've got this!
Posted By: Sotto

Re: A door closing and another opening... - 05/17/16 10:59 AM

Hi folks, I just wanted to let you know that we are now divorced. I received the paperwork from my L today. I felt a little sad, but didn't cry (yet....)

It has certainly been an incredible, searing and joyous journey so far - and I do feel I am probably gaining more than I have lost. I never would have thought I might say that at the very start. I do believe I have managed to save myself. I'm sure there might have been things I could have done differently that perhaps could have saved our marriage, but I do at least feel at peace with things and believe I did the best I was able.

Thank you so much for your support. I'm not sure if I'll continue to have a thread in this part of the forum - I may move off to 'surviving the big D' at some point soon....but for sure I'll keep posting on threads if I have anything useful to say!

Posted By: twinmom

Re: A door closing and another opening... - 05/17/16 11:08 AM

Hugs for you today. You are a very amazing person. I am inspired to be as genuine & gracious as you.
Posted By: job

Re: A door closing and another opening... - 05/17/16 12:17 PM

I'm so sorry that you received the paperwork from the lawyer today...but it's okay to feel a little sad....but there's a whole new world out there just waiting for you to explore. I think you'll discover that the weight you've been carrying around on your shoulders will begin to lift and you'll begin to feel lighter as the days go by.

Whether you remain here or over on the Surviving the Big D, we will find you and continue to be there to support you in any way that we can.

You've been an inspiration here and continue to support others. Your compassion, understanding, dignity and yes patience have always been in your postings. The world is a far better place w/you in it. I wish you all of the best!
Posted By: betterm

Re: A door closing and another opening... - 05/17/16 12:24 PM


I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I'm new here so haven't got a chance to read up on your entire story. But it sounds like you're very well respected around here, and I wish nothing but the best for good people in this world. My thoughts are with you and I hope you can find the path to happiness in your future.
Posted By: Rouky

Re: A door closing and another opening... - 05/17/16 01:05 PM

My dear Sotto,

I'm sorry to hear about your divorce being final today. I have followed you since I joined here about a year ago and you are such an amazing, caring and loving woman that I know your XH is a complete and utterly fool. I can also sense a better and greater life.
Thank you for all the support you gave me when I was at my lowest. Please keep in touch with all of us as you have been sent by God to help us.
Take care xx
Posted By: Pink17

Re: A door closing and another opening... - 05/17/16 03:10 PM

HI Sotto,

I'm sorry too. It is always a final that pinch a mark on our lives, if it change course or not in the future, it is a moment we all didn't set ourselves to live.

But I also see you are moving forward and seeing hope in your future. You have been nurturing a healthy exit and it is positive for the years that will come.

You are a very clever girl and very gorgeous too, all good for you and I am sure you will thrive in your life.

For him, and it may be none of our business, but I see your XH making the same mistake. Looking for happiness everywhere else but himself. The shallow soul won't do it well again, so it is sad to see that he is not learning from his own mistakes. Well, life will tell.

Does nice guy knows about the latest news? I can even picture his ears flapping with happiness saying to you how sorry he is about this. Maybe he makes a move again? Well, now the road is clear and no one will be doing any wrong.

Hope you stick around. You are a very valuable person in this board and outside it too. Love you lots with all my heart and wish all the best to you.

Love and hugs,
Posted By: rd500

Re: A door closing and another opening... - 05/17/16 04:21 PM

Hi Sotto. Just another chapter in the wonderful story of Sotto. You humble us with your strength and grace on these boards. You've become a great friend to many and personally you've been a constant supporter and adviser to me

For very selfish reasons I would love you to stay on the board

Thank you

Take care. Rd. xx
Posted By: BrightFuture

Re: A door closing and another opening... - 05/17/16 10:09 PM

Sotto, my heart goes out to you. I donít know if you could do things differently and if it would help to save your marriage. I wonder about this myself quite often... You definitely saved yourself in all of this. You are an inspiration to me and to a lot of folks here. It is OK to cry, if you feel like it. I agree with others, your H is a fool.

Posted By: Sotto

Re: A door closing and another opening... - 05/18/16 12:17 AM

Thank you so much everyone - I was very touched by your kind comments. I did cry last night and I still feel a little fragile this morning. The ending of a marriage is sad, and I'm partly relieved too.

The more difficult thoughts I've had - are H and OW celebrating his D tonight? - Maybe I'm deluded all along and living with me is hard going etc.

The more positive thoughts - I'm happy with myself. I honoured myself, honoured my vows and did my best in excruciatingly tough circumstances. I can sleep at night and live in peace with myself. I guess the positives outweigh the difficult thoughts.

The one thing I'm toying with is do I want to send a closing message to XH - along the lines of thank you for the many good times we had and good wishes for the future? I'm struggling a little between - would that help me? Does he 'deserve' that? Would I rather remain silent? I feel that to write about forgiveness would be premature - I am getting there, but haven't got there yet.

Also, I feel a little as though I'm 'spectre of the feast' now - at a place where none of us want to be. I know there are many positives in my sitch and where I am is no bad place to be - but do people really want to hear from a 'failed' DBer (I know I'm not a failure as such, but you know what I'm saying....)

Anyway, I'm off today and meeting up with an old friend for lunch, then I have a yoga class later. I'm working away tomorrow and Friday and have treated myself to a night in a nice hotel. We're going out for lunch on Friday at work and I have 'divorce group' plans on Friday evening, then a family party (that I don't feel like attending) on Saturday - busy times.

Thanks once again to you all. Every time I feel low, I will revisit your kind comments and remind myself that I am indeed fabulous grin xx
Posted By: Sotto

Re: A door closing and another opening... - 05/18/16 12:24 AM

Oh yes, the other thing I wanted to say is I do feel I have 'earned' my way out of the marriage and I think it is important to feel that way. smile
Posted By: beatrice

Re: A door closing and another opening... - 05/18/16 01:25 AM

Sotto - everything you have expressed reesonates with me (and I suspect with other divorced DBers) The reality is that most of us do not save our marriages. MLC divorces are not like other divorces - some experienced divorce lawyers recognise this.

My ex is now on this second relationship . . it really wasn't you.

The closing message is up to you: the trap that I fall into is believing that my xh has the same reactions as other people. I don't think MLCers do.

Although they have flashes of emotional lucidity and then say all sorts of nice things, by and large they are not at home to Mr Reasonable.

Although I don't post much I believe it is really important for the posters here to hear from people who are divorced and who survive. If only those who had restored their marriages returned to post, it could be terribly discouraging!
Posted By: Huddy

Re: A door closing and another opening... - 05/18/16 03:12 AM

Hi Sotto

As usual, a rare trip to the MLC forum!

I'm sorry to hear about your D. His loss. Now, how about asking cute guy for a beer!

Hope you're feeling OK.
Posted By: Zephyr

Re: A door closing and another opening... - 05/18/16 04:41 AM

sorry to hear about the D.
that paper has 'HE IS A FOOL" written all over it.

i hope you can find a bit of grace this weekend and enjoy yourself.


jeeze I almost typed toots there
Posted By: Pink17

Re: A door closing and another opening... - 05/18/16 12:49 PM

Hi Sotto,

I quite know that feeling of finality that those bloody papers can make you feel. IMHO, I would wait some time to process the feelings of such devastated trauma.

You have more positives then negatives in your life, you learned to survive and got through difficult times. You got better and your best. But it all become a big snow ball mixed up with the reality of a loss, a life being robbed from you, questions without answers and a bag full of bad feelings we try so hard to avoid.

In my experience through my divorce, I think there is no other medicine then TIME... I tried to look at it in many different ways and direction and it just hurt.

At the beginning there was a feeling of losing the man I had in my life. But with time, I have this great pain of losing what I valued one day, dissipating my dreams and believes and having no power to change other person's point of view and even further their values about what is important for me.

I realized that time will make me whole again, will give me back my confidence and will eventually make me happy. Time will make my disappointments to be lesser and my pain will also be gone or be store in some far away container.

Time will let you forgive and then there will be a time to decide if you need closure or not. It is my opinion, maybe you won't agree with it, and you are the only person that really knows how much is too much, or how far can you go.

I never looked for closure because I did not forgive my XH. Because I still feel my wounds pretty much open and I know I need to give myself time to heal. Once it is all better, maybe one day out of the blue I will want that closure, or it won't be anything important anymore. I just reserve my right to avoid getting hurt again.

I hope you find peace inside yourself and can decide what would make a difference for you to keep moving forward from this.

I guess that right now it is all mixed up with compassion and resentment and in my opinion those are not the right feelings for a right mind to write any note or letter for closure.

Regarding posting, I think that Beatrice is so right. Your marriage didn't make (and we don't know tomorrow), but you made it and did it with grace and growing as stronger then you were before.

But I get it, sometimes I feel kind of stupid saying things that may work - to people that knows I couldn't do it. Well, we read the books, we did the homework and we are actually textbooks at this point in our sitches. There are several times were Michelle says that nothing she advices in the books are a guarantee that you will get your spouse back. So we are basically the book that came alive. We do our best, become our best, but we can't control the outcome because it involve another person that has their own choices too.

Some time ago, closer to my Big D, I read somewhere here on the boards about a lady that was happier now that she is years divorced. She found a much prettier life for herself and she actually looks back and feels she is lucky because it happen to her. It helped big time to just wonder if maybe I am stuck in my own values and crazy stubbornness to love someone that is not really worthy my love. It made me think that many, many times I cried because my spouse was not the person I wish he was for me.

There are a trillion of people in this world and maybe, just maybe we need to start thinking that life is where we are happy.

So far, I think we are not ready to commit suicide or become some grumpy old lady. Then we can actually help someone else to walk the walk and see that the other side is not only devastation, solitude and bitterness. It has beauty, honesty, worthiness, strength, grace and a lot of life to be lived.

Don't go away totally, remember that sometimes one word can make someone happy that day that you decide to write.

I love you with all my heart and wish I was there so we could go for a beer or some, and try some Irish dance.

Posted By: bttrfly

Re: A door closing and another opening... - 05/18/16 06:01 PM

Hi Sweetie,
Just got caught up - first free day in a few --- well, so the other shoe has dropped, which could be the sense of relief now that the papers have arrived. I'm so sorry it's come to this honey. I really am. You are all that others have posted and more. You are an absolutely amazing person, and it is truly, truly his loss.

I think that all the things you've posted are absolutely spot on for this point in the process. My psychologist friend says that once it's finalized, there is another round of hurt/letting go, but that it's necessary so that the person can move on, as it's now finished with nothing hanging waiting to be done.

I'm glad you have plans for the next few days and I'm glad you will have help to clean out the house. I know this isn't what any of us hoped for you. I wish you peace through this process, and do please keep posting as you are able/feel comfortable, as I consider you a friend and would miss you if you weren't here - selfish of me, I know. xoxoxoxo
Posted By: Sotto

Re: A door closing and another opening... - 05/20/16 10:42 AM

Thanks for all the kind messages guys....I have to say, I'm feeling rather free, light, done and ready to move on. I truly think the D finalising has closed the door for me now. If we had kids together, or had been M longer I might stand for longer - but given all circumstances I don't intend doing that.

Just a quick drop in as been busy at work and I'm out tonight too. Two weeks today I'll have any remaining stuff out of our marital home and I'll be glad to get that all done too. I do feel I have reached a place of relative indifference now and will be glad to sever all remaining ties. I don't even feel particularly emotional about it now - more indifferent and I see no way back for us from my perspective. Just can't picture how that would look at all.

That's where I'm at for now anyway - I'll let things settle and see where that takes me. Take care all xx
Posted By: TabD

Re: A door closing and another opening... - 05/20/16 12:36 PM

You are amazing! I am sorry that you are going thru this and hope and pray that you are at peace with everything.
Keeping busy will help get thru the troubling waters right now.
Posted By: Pink17

Re: A door closing and another opening... - 05/20/16 12:37 PM

Hi Sotto,

I think it is very right to say it is were you are for now. As for each stage of our journey since the BD day, we found that as much as we want to go in one direction, our emotions lead us somewhere else.

I know you will be OK and even thrive more then you expect. I have no doubt that down the road you will be really happy again.

I just would advise you to still take a day at time as it comes for a little longer. There is a grief process after the paperwork. It seems very settle and done, but the reality is that we are still in our own rollercoaster of emotions.

Paper means nothing but in the same time they meant something to us when we believe to be married after signing it the first time. So, please take your time with care and continue working on yourself. This is a enormous trauma and you want to feel comfortable moving forward. No open wounds that will come back to bother you.

Some would say that not having kids involve makes it easier, other can argue that it is the opposite since kids may determine the reason you move on, you fight for them too. At the end, with kids or without them it is about what happen inside of us that count.

Now the fun stuff:

I am looking forward to all the news about "Nice Guy". Maybe it will give me some courage to start thinking about someone special too. Why not? After all, we are not dead, and may be even better then ever now.

Hope the whole ordeal with the MH goes well. I am glad you will have some friends to help and be there with you as it is also part of the trauma. Good that you are surrounding yourself with good people.

Love you lots Sotto, I will be thinking about you sis.
Posted By: rd500

Re: A door closing and another opening... - 05/20/16 01:53 PM

As usual. , nothing but impressed by you , you are free now and you fought the good fight Since the first post I read by you I've been in awe at your ability to deal with this. I'm not saying it was easy for you , far from it but you dealt with it all with true grace

I wish you all the happiness that you deserve and I'm sure you will receive it

Take care. Rd. xxxx
Posted By: 123Gwen

Re: A door closing and another opening... - 05/20/16 07:24 PM

Sotto - You are so gracious and loving. I am sorry that you have had to endure so much. Just wanted to send you my best and to let you know that I am thinking of you.

This is just tough. Hang in there friend.
Posted By: Pax_luv

Re: A door closing and another opening... - 05/21/16 10:18 AM

I've been off the board for over a week now and just caught up on your recent news. I'm sorry to hear about your divorce being final, but I'm so glad to hear that you are at peace. You are very deserving of some serenity. Thanks for all of your support and I do hope you stick around even if you move to another part of the forum. Take care!
Posted By: Sotto

Re: A door closing and another opening... - 05/21/16 11:34 AM

Ah, thank you so much guys. Well, I have to say the free, light, done feeling has persisted and I'm happy enough to be D'd. There is a great deal of peace in knowing that you DB'd your socks off, invested hours, tried to absorb everything, were willing to repair things etc. Truly there is and I have no regrets.

As we've accepted an offer on our house now, I'm house hunting myself. As my landlord has now said he wants to sell this flat and would be willing to sell to me, I'm waiting to see what price he wants. The choice is do I buy this flat and stay put or buy a house and have a little outside space. The flat is central and with great views, but outside space would be lovely too - I've missed that. I've been getting out and walking around to see what else is out there. Viewed a nice place today and seeing another (house) in my complex tomorrow....watch this space.

Now then, as for NG at work. Yes, we are still chatting and yes he seems interested and yes I like him too. A colleague told me some more about his D circumstances and he was a LBS who was told - I love you...but more like a brother. His XW is now with a guy who drives a fancy car and has a pool. I also learned another astounding thing from my colleague - that NG's dad is a life peer (a baron) and that NG could use the title Hon. If he chose to - how have I known him so many years and didn't know that??!

So, I move forward and I very much feel like leaving XH behind now. There is no place for him as he is now, in my life - that's for sure. Any ways...he's boring...let's get back to houses....will keep you posted xx
Posted By: mleigh4

Re: A door closing and another opening... - 05/21/16 11:53 AM

Hi Sotto,

I just got caught up with you and see I am a little late in saying I am sorry about the final peppers coming. None of us chose or wanted this place, that's for sure.

You have been an inspiration to me here, I consider you one of my friends here who has held my hand through the toughest times of my life. You are no failure, you, like others on here who stood by their beliefs, morals and values, are a true success story. D does not change that for me whatsoever.

Like each stage we go through on this journey, I say give it some time to settle and for you to get comfortable with. Each step seems to take some time, nothing to rush into.

I like your friendship with NG. Enjoy the attention and go at your own pace. Sounds like you both have things in common.

Much love to you Sotto. Please come by when you can to lend your advice, it's appreciated by all here.
Posted By: mleigh4

Re: A door closing and another opening... - 05/21/16 11:54 AM

Papers not peppers. Sorry, I really miss the edit button.
Posted By: Sotto

Re: A door closing and another opening... - 05/23/16 12:01 AM

MLeigh, thanks so much for your kind words. Yes, our M didn't survive, but I don't feel like a failure. In fact, I think I have grown a lot and I feel my confidence is higher than for a while, which is great.

So, now for the big news - I had an offer accepted on a house!! I viewed a few last week, but there was a stroke of luck with this one. It's in the same complex as my flat - a pretty, courtyard mews house right in the heart of town. It came on the market a month or so ago and sold for the full asking price within a day. I noticed it had come back on again late Saturday afternoon and caught the agent just before they closed. I fixed up a viewing yesterday and was the first in after the other buyer dropped out - offered the full asking price and secured it - I'm so thrilled and think it will be perfect for me as I love this location. I should be moving around August time.

Seems a lot is happening for me in the past month. These sitches are funny - months of very little, then everything unfolds all at once....

Well, best get busy as I'm working from home today. Salsa class tonight, then travelling tomorrow for work. Lovely sunny day here. Xxx
Posted By: rd500

Re: A door closing and another opening... - 05/23/16 05:38 AM

Great news about the new home Sotto. Great to read such s positive post too

Have a great day

Take care. Rd. xxx
Posted By: job

Re: A door closing and another opening... - 05/23/16 05:42 AM


Congratulations on the home purchase! I'm so happy for you and you have so much to look forward to in the coming months. Your positive attitude is shining brightly and only good things will come your way from now own.

I'm very proud of you!
Posted By: twinmom

Re: A door closing and another opening... - 05/23/16 06:00 AM

Congrats on the house! And the new guy sounds like he might understand what you have been through, it seems like it would be good for you to keep getting to know him.
Posted By: ciluzen

Re: A door closing and another opening... - 05/23/16 06:12 AM

That's great Sotto! So happy for you that you found a nice house in a good spot. That will be so much fun to get it set up just how you like it! Congrats!
Posted By: Pink17

Re: A door closing and another opening... - 05/23/16 08:13 AM

Wow sweet Sotto,

So, so happy for you. It seems like you are in a great place with yourself and I am really happy for all the good news.

Congrats on a house, it's really fulfilling to get some positives coming your way after so much ups and downs. I am sure you will make a full life and be happy in your new owned place.

About NG, what can I say! It seems like all good there and it will be lovely to get to know him a little better. Time is on your side and you can go at your own pace as things unfold.

It's funny how we hold on to some stuff in life just to find out that we are better of letting it go. I guess we are in a constant learning process and this is one more of life's lessons.

Anyway, love the fact that you are really in love with yourself and feeling at peace. Your journey and the way you handled it doesn't stop amazing me. You are brilliant, an inspiration and a friend to so many.

Posted By: job

Re: A door closing and another opening... - 05/23/16 09:01 AM

It's time for a new thread.
Posted By: Sotto

Re: A door closing and another opening... - 05/23/16 09:59 AM

Thanks Job smile

As my D has now finalising, I'm going to head off to 'Surviving the Big D' so I hope you'll look in on me there.

I'll keep posting here and reading along too.

Take care all and thanks so much for the support on this part of the forum. I am blessed to know you all.

Thanks in particular to you Job for the valued support you give to so many on the forum xx
Posted By: Sotto

Re: A door closing and another opening... - 05/23/16 10:00 AM

And here's a link to my new thread:

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