Previous threads:
Thread #1 - Is it too late?
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2496987#Post2496987Thread #2: MLC = my last chance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2511632&page=1Thread #3: MLC = Reality is my middle name
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2641259&page=1Hello all,
I have been reading and responding to others on the board yet it has been awhile since I have posted on my own. Feeling like I had nothing much to contribute and skirting dangerously close to becoming depressed. I apologize in advance for my rambling stream of incoherence.
It will be 2 years this summer since H walked away from his life and literally into the desert. At first I worried for him but now I am frightened of him. Found out he is wearing matching wedding rings and participating as a greeter in a church with OW. Fairly sure that this other Christian religion frowns on bigamy as well as us Catholics. Not sure if they are just playing with jewelry or had a ceremony. Not wanting to open that can of worms because we still need his financial support. I also don’t want my children to have to deal with this as he does not contact them. Finally I am not responsible for his crazy. This was a huge shock and it was a huge nail in the coffin of compassion I have been lugging around.
I used to think H was an extreme case of MLC . I am in shock that his betrayal continues when he could either file for divorce or simply live with OW. Perhaps he thinks he is being noble by keeping me on his health insurance? I doubt he thinks of me at all. Just amazed at the disrespect he has for every relationship in his life. He has daughters and if a man ever acted this way towards them he would have been livid. He would have called the police. Also does OW realize he is still married? If she does then what does that say about her? This was a person who came to our home and knew our children. I took her and others out for Holiday lunch. I could drone on but it doesn’t change anything.
I am just feeling emotionally drained and off kilter. I sound so pitiful. When those rose colored glasses fell off I was forced to see that I was living an illusion it shattered me. Someone I thought was loving is a monster who devalued and discarded all of us like yesterday’s news. If it was the marriage wouldn’t he be out of hiding by now and act like a father? Most parents just don’t treat their children this way when they leave a marriage.
I will never get the closure of the honesty I am seeking. My girls are growing up and they are thriving. I am proud of them. I have been far from perfect but I have been honest and fairly neutral. A few times I have over-shared my emotions but I also apologized and explained to them that given their ages I’d rather be guilty of too much honesty than too much distance. They have been patient and I have kept faith and laughter front and center in our home. I am fairly positive but I still cry in the shower some days. Is that normal?
Youngest D is getting ready to graduate from HS in a few months. She was accepted to several highly competitive schools and received generous aid and scholarship packages. Oldest is thriving at her university and is a leader on campus. She’s a little over halfway towards her degree. In the end they both refused to let their father’s behavior diminish them. We don’t discuss him much and he is referred to as if he was a relative that stayed in our home over the years. Perhaps we are compartmentalizing him too much but at least I am not speaking ill of him and they are not bashing him either. They just aren’t going to invest in a person who is not investing in himself or his family. If they knew about the rings they’d probably not be able to forgive him. He keeps burning bridges and while we don’t focus on the past I know he is going to make any future contact so improbable that the chances of redemption with his children are remote. In the end that is his issue to resolve with them.
I actually quit my job. Things are calmer now and I want to move forward with more intention. The clinic I worked for was “morally ambiguous” and treated employees like furniture. As time went on I witnessed a lot of things and was put into some difficult ethical positions. I came to see that it was a not going to lead to any sort of career path and one day when faced with yet another sensitive situation and an unethical manager I quit on the spot. It was empowering and yes impulsive. Still don’t regret it as it was not a job that made me feel proud in any way. I have references and the odds are in my favor I can find something more in line with my needs. I will take a few months to regroup and reconnect with myself. I want to enjoy D’s graduation without all the anxiety and the awful commute. Financially things are settled and I can meet expenses for a while. Replacing the income is not insurmountable because I didn’t make much. The job toughened me up. It was like a boot camp for the newly separated. I am content knowing it served a purpose. I am proud for deciding not to waste time on any dead end roads and to stay true to my moral compass. For the first time in my life I made a decision putting my needs first and the world did not end. It was a big step and it felt empowering.
Unfortunately this latest revelation with the wedding bands has me doubting my perception of reality and my inner voice all over again.
Most days are good and I am working hard to regain my trust in myself. I am working on my list of duties and trying to honor a few dreams as well. I am excited to be taking the girls on their first trip to Europe to see friends this summer. I love to travel and it has been so many years since I have been abroad. I sold my wedding china, crystal and silver to pay for the trip. I am a bit nervous but I am going anyway. H’s indifference has had a profound effect on how I view myself. I imagine many of us LBS share that struggle.
I love that you sold the wedding China to pay for your trip! You and the girls will make great memories.
You're right, your h is a bit unusual in the way he completely abandoned the girls. Not unheard of, but unusual at this age. Makes me think either he's addicted (do you suspect drugs or alcohol?), or he feels so guilty that he can't face them, or he's really mentally ill (more so than even the usual MLC madness).
But whatever the reason, one thing it's NOT: it's not about them or you, it's about what's wrong with HIM.
Gwen,
I'm glad you returned to post an update. You have to be so proud of your children. They've accomplished so much since their father flew the coop.
Gosh, those rose colored glasses such do us in when they finally do come off. I do agree w/kml, it's not you or your children, it's something going on w/him that he doesn't have any contact w/them. Some of these crisis people just disappear and are never seen or heard of again. It's sad...he's lost out on so much of their lives and he can't get that back ever again. Sure, the photos, the write ups, etc. are there, but it's not like actually living in the moment and sharing those times w/them.
Maybe he keeps you on the health insurance because he feels guilty for what he's done. Then again, maybe he doesn't realize you are still on it. It could be the "tie" to you that he still needs, but then again, no one can really say why they do the things that they do.
As for the ow, she's happy just to have him there w/her for now. Maybe he doesn't file for divorce because it's an excuse not to marry her. Then again, if you aren't rocking his boat, he may very well continue as he is right now for a while. If they aren't pressured to come home, etc., many of them can go on w/life and not think about divorce. Again, it's crazy the way that they think.
I don't think we will get the closer that we are looking for. We have to find a way to make "a closure" that will work for us. I've been here a long time and I didn't receive the closure that I needed. Sure, I got a half hearted apology for the things he did while married to me, but not the affair or his monstering during the separation/divorce. I finally accepted that I would never receive a true apology and went on w/my life...but there is still that little niggling desire to hear "I'm sorry". Maybe I'll get it on his or mine own death bed. Wishing thinking? Probably and that's okay.
I'm glad you quit your job. If it was a job you didn't particularly care for, then you did the right thing. Working a job should be something that you enjoy and be recognized for the work you do and not be treated as a piece of furniture. It's difficult enough to deal w/the many personalities, but to watch how others are treated and know that the employer probably doesn't care about its employees is depressing.
I am so happy to read that you and your girls are going to Europe. You will enjoy yourself. Do you know what countries you will be visiting?
Gwen, please take care of yourself.
Thanks KML & Job.
KML - H may be addicted to OW or some substance. The only thing I know about H is how little context I have of a person who I loved for over two decades.
Job - Always so wise and measured. I bet you've heard it all over the years. Any thoughts on the rings and being a greeter at church? This one hurt me deeply because as catholics this behavior is right up there on the list of behaviors that sends you right down there. Trying to laugh but I am very disturbed emotionally and spiritually. Having to be a silent party because of practical reasons is also demeaning yet I must stay on top of the business side of life. I think God is fine with me being on his insurance.
The rings could be friendship and/or tokens of their love rings. They could also be putting up a front to those who enter the church so that they think that they are married, which they aren't. Being greeters may give them a "standing" in the church right now and most likely they are just trying to fit in w/the congregation. They want to appear as good people to everyone and one of the ways to do so is being greeters. I, personally, call this "role playing".
I wouldn't worry too much about their behavior. If it ever gets out, well...people may look at them a little differently.
BTW, I am Catholic and from where I'm sitting Catholics don't pay too much attention to separations/divorces and affairs as much as they did when I was a child. Sure, adultery is a sin in the eyes of God, but people today just don't pay as much attention to the 10 Commandments. It's like it's become acceptable and part of the times we live in. Now, it's a bit different if you want to remarry and you have to go through the annulment process...but here in my area...I even had a Priest have an affair w/a member of the Church many years ago and no one said anything about it at all. It's sad when you think about what you were taught as a child and how much things have changed due to the current times.
It is sad and while I realize this is more common it doesn't change what we profess to believe and what H professed to believe freely up until two years ago. Just because you can get away with it doesn't mean it isn't shocking and not even required. H literally became someone else that thinks nothing of being dishonest just to be dishonest. Technically if they married this is a felony. Even if they didn't it is a tangled web of willful fraud. People don't think badly of middle aged people living together either. Wouldn't that be less destructive?
Hi Gwen, I'm sorry to read about the whole rings thing. To me it sounds like a teenagery infatuation type move. We can't marry as such - but we'll both wear rings. Who knows how they deal with the inevitable Qs about their status. But all of that is their problem of course.
It sounds as though you are doing pretty well in all circumstances & pleased to read about your job and your trip. I always like to hear from you Gwendoline as my H pretty much vanished too - tho he mostly responds to my very occasional messages. Time will tell how things will unfold for all of us - but I'm always a little sad when something else gets added onto the big pile of things to forgive.
Take care my friend xx
Sorry - the Gwendoline is predictive text....not me being formal!! X
Like Sotto said perfectly: yes, always sad when something else gets added to the ever-growing pile of things to forgive.
I can't imagine what it feels like to have H wearing rings and greeting at another church ... I too, am Catholic, and wow - that's just ... smh ... they really do become different people, don't they?
Gwen - your girls are doing so well. That's a testimony to what a great job you are doing keeping it all together for them. Believe me, I know the toll that takes ... I too, cry in the shower. Sadly, my son has heard me do so. Not sure what he makes of it. He's asked me what's wrong. I don't really answer, because I don't really have an answer. I just refuse to let this destroy me. And you know that even though the girls are growing up, they'll need you more now than before, just in a different way.
I'm so happy for your trip and ecstatic that you quit. It's all about being in alignment with yourself, isn't it? The right job will come along, and it will not require you to compromise your ethics. So proud of you for having faith and making that jump rather than staying stuck.
I very much identify with you about the indifference having a profound affect on you. I feel the same way. That's how the most damage has been done in my case. It's amazing to meet other people (men) who don't feel indifferent. Such a surprise to me. I find myself looking at old photos and looking for the shark eyes. Trying to find a date that this happened. Did he love me then, or was he just faking it. It's so hurtful and its own cheeseless tunnel.
I don't know about you my dear, but I'm ready to cauterize the wound. How much bleeding can one take?
Anyway, one foot forward at a time. You are wonderful, in case you don't know it, and a shining light. He's - well, on his own journey I guess is the most spiritual answer I can give. Don't let his indifference hurt you any more if you can help it, my dear. You are worth so much more xoxoxoxo
Ah, Raine -
I, like you, was a successful reconciliation story - until I wasn't. We actually had several of the best years of our marriage, and then he went back down the rabbit hole.
I don't regret it though. When he finally did leave, I had great peace in my heart that I had done everything possible to try to save my marriage. And having spent all those years working on things actually made it easier for me to move on after he finally filed.
And yes, I too felt responsible for my ex, who had had multiple concussions and who I felt had untreated depression. But honestly, it was out of my hands, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink, and he was not so impaired that he couldn't have made a decision to get treatment. He just chose self medicate with other women instead.
While it does worry me a bit that he took nothing with him (do you suspect him of being suicidal?), at the same time, if he is being financially generous right now, I would suggest you jump on it and get divorce terms in writing ASAP. Sadly, they become MUCH less generous as time goes on, so you have a limited time to take advantage of his guilt and get a good financial deal for you and your kids before that happens.
Remember, too, that seeing a lawyer for a consult does not mean you have to file - but you should get all your financial ducks carefully in a row just in case.
If it helps any - I was very stressed when my ex finally moved out (hair fell out in fistfulls!). But about 3 mos later I looked around me and realized - "Hey! It sure feels good not to walk on eggshells anymore!" - and my life has gotten better and better since. Professional success, financial stability, a nice home, my adult kids have gotten closer, I've made fantastic new friends, have a wonderful boyfriend who treats me like a queen, and I started playing the drums when he left - now I have 3 gigs this month with my band!
I still worry about my ex sometimes, but he is remarried to a sweet young social worker who I hope will care for him in his old age. And I have that peaceful feeling that I did everything I could, he fired me from that job and it's not my responsibility anymore.
Oops - posted on the wrong thread!
Sorry I have been MIA for a the last few weeks. The more things change the more they stay the same. Sometimes I feel like the energy it takes to post is better spent elsewhere. I guess that can be described as progress???
Bttrfly and kml and sotto thank you for keeping up with my sitch and being wise and wonderful. Job as always you are mentor, teacher and friend. I am truly grateful to all of you and so many others for your courage, insight and support.
I will post more later but I wanted to say thank you.
Sotto Btrfly was right that you were eloquent when you wrote... always sad when something else gets added to the ever-growing pile of things to forgive.
I truly meant it when I forgave my husband for leaving but everything after was an ever-growing pile of decisions made a person who ceased to resemble a decent human being.
Btrfly - That cathartic crying and refusal to let it destroy you is such a minute by minute choice in the early days. Not having the answer wasn't the source of my pain - it was his indifference to his daughters. I too believe that is how the most damage has been done in our situation.
Dear friend I think after almost two years I'm ready to cauterize the wound.
-- Our youngest daughter was asked out on a date and her anxiety about the idea of a date caused a full blown panic attack. She took a brave step and finally agreed to talk with a counselor. When I let her father know she has an appointment he asked one word "Why?" - I lost it. As I asked how often he talked with her in almost two years he said, "I've called a couple of times but she gives me nothing" - WOW! After much prayer and a good night's sleep, I sent an email apologizing for losing my composure and giving him a better explanation -
"At this point any relationship with you or any man is going to take more courage than you can imagine for everyone. Try to really understand that you are our daughters' first love and while they may forget the words you said or the gifts you sent; they will never forget the way you made them feel.
If you ever want to ask a question, get an update or need my help I am here. I am not your mother but I am the mother of your children."
The reply I received 10 minutes later was confirming his direct deposit to my new account.
This was it - all my compassion just left my body and no longer will I let this person cause damage to me. I don't need to explain or defend them to anyone else, including our children. I won't add to the negativity but I think I have dropped the rope.
Last night I drove home after an outing with friends. Being alone in the car has been a trigger for grief and negative self talk. Last night I realized after my drive home that not one fleeting thought involved the past. It was a joyous revelation.
Grief will still reside in my soul but I think its song is merely the faintest echo of a whisper amid the joyous noise of the day at hand. That is the music I choose for my dance through life.
I think I wrote that last post while I was hopped up on caffeine and feeling a twinge of pity.
New day and feeling more settled.
This month is full of milestones hence my emotional overload.
I am so much more settled and present these days but sometimes the past sneaks up. I am trying very hard to stay in the moment and focus forward.
These days any of the negative emotions I feel are centered on how it affects our girls. I guess with graduation coming up I am more sensitive.
Thanks for letting me vent here. I am truly trying to detach and not think too much about how he has treated the girls. We don't discuss or dwell at all but I guess the rituals of these life events can be a trigger.
Hey Gwen, sorry to have been away from your posts lately, like you I've been trying to stop going around in circles and figure out which direction to walk in which is not backwards!
This is such a long process isn't it, its sometimes easy to chastise oneself for not being done already, but Gwen, seriously, you were in a very long and loving relationship and you were completely blindsided by what your h has done. You have dealt with your situation amazingly well; you could have sat in a pool of misery and despair, but no, you got up and put one foot in front of the other and kept going. I am so so proud of you Gwen and so pleased to hear that you are making peace with yourself, its an odd feeling huh.
I don't know what to say about your h and the rings/church greeter sitch. There is no point guessing as that is all it is with a MLC'er. Right now, this makes sense to him and feels right to him - 6 months from now it may possibly be a different story and he will look back and think "what was I thinking??" then do something else just as bizarre and repeat the process. My h has said this to me - he did something/said something and at the time it made perfect sense to him, it did not matter if others questioned it, to him he was right ..... until he wasn't. He can't explain why he acted this way, he looks back and sees the decisions he made hurt people and this has caused him great sadness and guilt. I suspect this will eventually catch up with your h and he will feel the same way too.
Your h sounds so lost and caught up in his new world, it is so sad he had all but destroyed his relationship with your daughters, they do not deserve this, however you are doing a fantastic job raising them Gwen and your relationships will only continue to grow stronger through the years. This is what they will remember when they are older, mum, the strong women who is always there for them no matter what.
Your trip sounds so exciting!! And what a great way to fund it lol. You continue to amaze and inspire me Gwen, I am so thankful we have found ourselves on this journey together (although not that we found ourselves on this journey in the first place !!), I wish you nothing but happiness and peace in your heart, I hope you find the joy in your life that you so deserve.
Much love and hugs to you xoxo
Lou - Thanks for your kind words. I am also glad we are able to support each other through this trial. Your friendship is a silver lining.
H sent D a graduation card with a small amount of money. Unlike cards in the past he wrote her a personal message. It was awkwardly composed but I could tell he was actually making an effort. Unfortunately D felt like it was an empty sentiment and so did her sister. I commented that it was good he remembered her graduation and nice he added to the card. Both girls have no interest in their father. Perhaps that will change and they know I am fine with whatever they choose now or in the future.
Hit the two year mark since husband left and I find myself looking forward 90% of the time. The old saying - "time heals all wounds" has some merit but I think the idea of healing up for debate. The scars remain and they never completely heal but hopefully their existence will be less defining in my life.
Life goes on - youngest graduated and it was a day full of contradictions. I have no desire to rehash but these last few months have brought me a lot of clarity for my role in unhealthy patterns and how my FOO contributed both in positive and negative ways. I have been owning and changing things so moving forward I will not repeat unhealthy behaviors and will learn to practice better relationship skills while remaining independent. I am trying to be politically correct but in the end I am going to remain open minded to new experiences but MLC has made me hesitant to trust again. It is the reality right now and that may never change but maybe it will...
Anyway right after graduation we got to take our extended trip abroad. It was wonderful in every way and absolutely the best RX. A complete success for the girls and for me both personally and as a family.
Returned to enjoy a nice summer before both girls head to university. Oldest leaves next week and youngest leaves in three weeks. Lots of changes but determined to continue to move forward in a positive light.
I guess I have dropped the rope. I keep up on the board from time to time. I read about your heartache and triumphs. I find myself feeling physically ill when I read a new post from someone just trying to understand MLC and trying everything to connect with their spouse. I am comforted by the posts of wise people who comfort and guide and support each other. I cheer at my kitchen table when I read a post from someone that got through the day without crying or found a new job. Each day the LBS survived and ultimately thrived is such a sweet gift.
Thank you so much for being so brave and for sharing. I think in the last two years the biggest lesson for me has been that MLC is real. Divorcebusting for the LBS is about saving yourself. MLC means standard relationship rules no longer apply and the spouse you married does not exist. Don't be fooled into thinking otherwise after BD. MWD is giving you the best advice no matter what the outcome.
I long for a day when this board is not needed but I think in the world we live in with the stress and focus on "do what makes you happy" it will be more vital than ever we support each other.
Gwen,
I am happy to hear your trip was fabulous. Nothing like a fantastic trip to recharge and gain perspective.
You make a great point about that adage "time heals all wound." I agree that there is some truth to that. However, like you, I think some things leave permanent scars. It certainly doesn't mean that we can't move forward and have a wonderful life. I think it just means we have changed in a way, sometimes a very profound way, and hopefully have learned in the process.
You sound like you are on a wonderful path. Enjoy your girls before they head back to college. Hugs to you!
Hi Gwen
I am so happy to hear your trip went well and you all had a good time. Its great to have time out from your home world to heal your soul.
Regarding your h sending your d a card and money for graduation - they do the most random things and you wont really ever know the reason why he choose that particular event to acknowledge; he probably does not know himself. Having a milestone come along may have been a reminder to him of his family, he may have wanted to reach out for a while and felt awkward after all the time that has passed. Whatever the reason, he created the damage and its up to him to mend it. You have done so well staying in neutral territory and allowing your daughters to decide for themselves without influence from you.
A new chapter for you Gwen, both your girls at Uni, so whats next for you? Any thoughts on what path you want to head down?
Sending lots of love and hugs your way xoxo
Not sure of my path. I think right now I just want to rest and think a bit. The last few years have been such an emotional roller coaster - my inclination is to be quiet and still in my heart for a bit. I have felt so beat up emotionally and right now I just feel the need to be still and listen.
That my dear friend sounds a marvelous idea, add in a beach, a sexy waiter with cocktails and I am in
I think it gets to a point where you start to slow down and you suddenly realise you have been running on fumes for a while. Life has a funny (not ha ha) way of taking you in the direction it wants you to go in, so find that peace and calm within you Gwen, the answers will follow.
Sending you so much love and hugs xoxo
I keep up on the board from time to time. I read about your heartache and triumphs. I find myself feeling physically ill when I read a new post from someone just trying to understand MLC and trying everything to connect with their spouse. I am comforted by the posts of wise people who comfort and guide and support each other. I cheer at my kitchen table when I read a post from someone that got through the day without crying or found a new job. Each day the LBS survived and ultimately thrived is such a sweet gift.
Hi Gwen ,
I read this and I feel and see your heart and love you share with this world. You are an amazing woman and so strong.
2 years is but a flash in time. If you look back at your day 1 here and at your self today.. you would be so proud of yourself.
I am ever so thankful to have you here as a friend and to have your support. You are loved. xx
Irish
echoing Lou and Irish ... Gwen my love, you are such a wonderful soul. Take all the time and stillness you need, heal, but don't isolate. Remember this is now your time to write your dream and your future. Wishing you only good things, Gwen and much love, peace and happiness xoxoxoxo
Finally starting to believe fall is not too far away. Leaves are still green and yesterday the high was 90 but mornings and evenings seem to carry a whisp of coolness.
Thought I was doing better with this new chapter. In many ways I am better but in other ways I feel adrift.
H is living with OW far away, in a newly built house, wearing matching wedding bands and attending a church as a couple on the welcoming committee. The internet is a blessing and burden...
Only contact in months was a few weeks ago - Had to email him to pay D's counseling bill because he ignored it for months. Felt like his other as I had to explain the consequences so he would pay as agreed in our separation agreement (D is 18 so her credit would be at risk) Received a one line text an hour later "it's been taken care of" I sent a thank you.
Trying to GAL and continue with IC. Joined a writing group and searching for a new job. I am in a place of acceptance but still overwhelmed with doubt and grief that casts a shadow. Not really able to trust my inner voice. Definitely unable to banish this feeling that I can't trust my impressions of anyone else. At times I feel paralyzed and anxious in crowds and social situations. I used to be able to enjoy social situations but now I second guess what I say and how it is received. My confidence is at an all time low.
They say the opposite of love is not hate but indifference. I am not bitter these days just sad and unsure. How did I spend decades with a false sense of reality? And now the lies and indifference are weighing me down because I can't seem to detach from it. I think a little anger would be productive but I've never been able to get to there - perhaps because he ran away under a guise of lies.
Maybe it wasn't MLC??? I mean I thought we'd been happy and I have emails and pictures and parties for over 20 years then my mother died in our home, oldest D went to uni, H had career issues and long commute and serious car crash. I was unaware and naive but perhaps I had been unaware and naive for longer. I just never imagined his love was on a path to discarding me and our children.
H texted the girls a few weeks ago to enjoy their year at college and he's always answer their calls. H hasn't returned to them since he left town over 2 years ago. He never asks me any details about them (like school or why the doctor bills for an er visit?) He sends bday and xmas hallmarks with a small gift card but the one time last year I confronted him last year about why our youngest was going to see a counselor he said, "she gives me nothing" D's choose not to answer and I fear H blames me but they are older now and I tell them that I love and support them if they choose to have a relationship with their D or if they don't.... I really am neutral but I won't force them as young women to be treated with disrespect. If H was leaving the marriage wouldn't he have visited them? Attended graduation or done something other than texts and hallmarks? He left under a lie with a woman who was in our home.
Sorry for the rant - I feel very stuck. Perhaps this is my last gasp? - I think dropping the rope was never an option as H seemed to throw it away.
Gwen, I’m so sorry you are having some tough times again. I ask myself the same question sometime, did I spent all these years with H “with a false sense of reality”… I also question if it was/is MLC. In your case, I think it is MLC for sure. He can be upset with you and blaming you for his “misfortunes”, but what do your D’s have to do with that? How a parent can punish his children for his partners faults (from MLCer point of view, of course)! I think your H has been in MLC, no doubt.
Also, the internet is not an indication of anything, if you mean that he and OW appear to be happy on the social media. Sometimes, the more happy and exaggerated messages you see on FB and other social media, more trouble it means… I do know for a fact, as I’ve seen a couple of instances of that, when people appear like they are best sole mates ever on FB, but fight and trash each other in real life. Take everything you see on the Internet (if you do that) with the grain of salt.
I think your H is at stage of his affair with OW (about 2 years), when things start going sour… the things are not new and exciting anymore… I think him texting his Ds with the wishes for new school year is some indication of that. At some point, he will realize what he’s done not only to you, but his D’s, and the awaking will be brutal. I’m a true believer of “what goes around, comes around.” And that OW… She is nothing… What kind of woman would not encourage her partner to maintain the relationship with his children… She is not decent woman in my books… And this is a woman your H went for… I’m absolutely sure she will show her true colors someday…
Gwen, it’s been 2 years since the BD for you. For some people this is not enough time to recover and heal. I know I’m one of these people. I was a royal mess 2 years into this. I think I had my heart pounding like crazy for the good 2 years after the BD. It was getting better after that. Gwen, give yourself a credit for making this far and giving so much support to our D’s. I know it must be tough in your case, as your H is one of these vanisher MLC types. Dropping the rope is more for you though. Take care of yourself and good luck with your search for a new job!
Gwen -
What you're describing is the PTSD we LBSs experience. I think it's worse for you because of the lack of closure with your ex: sudden departure, no divorce etc.
I hit the wrong button on my email the other day and it brought up ancient emails from my ex, dating a couple of years before he left. The emails were full of love and adoration. They rewrite history afterwards, but usually, you weren't crazy. There WAS real love there, until the MLC alien took them.
You're doing a fantastic job with your girls, I know it's been a struggle but you're taking care of business. Now it's time to let go and start flying.
(((((Hugs))))))
Hi Gwen
Your H and my W could be related.
I know for a fact both are in MLC
It's too similar our sitchs that it can't be anything else
Add in some other mental health issues and they have no choice to run.
Your girls like mine aren't blind and our MLc'rs are aware of this. So they will avoid, can't face them in hopes that one day they will just forget and accept them as is.
My girls won't. I've always told them to open their hearts, apologize and forgive.
Talk about it and don't put it up Ina shelf for a later time. My MLC'r doesn't fall into that plan, until she doesn't the girls will avoid.
You are an amazing mom. Keep it up
Irish
Hi Gwen.
I'm just catching up on your sitch. I hope all is better now. I'm praying for you right now. May God grant you peace and strength.
I'm so proud of you and what you've accomplished. Your marriage may seem unreal - full of lies and deceptions but this is hindsight. Who knows?
I'm sure you will move forward as a wiser woman who will discern what is real and what isn't. For now---enjoy life!
Praise God for He gives us hope!
In His Love
VGE1
Romans 8:28
It has been about 6 months since I have posted...
I guess I just needed to retreat a bit - Halloween was always big for us and seemed to mark the beginning of that busy season with a long list of shopping, crafting and baking.
This year was very different with 2 at university. I made a real effort to start new traditions and celebrate our lives in new ways. We are all older and wiser and capable of enjoying ourselves as a family of three adults. It was a good philosophy and we made it through New Year's without any drama. A bit melancholy here and there but we did well --- 3 ladies could have a dinner of appetizers and a movie marathon. We had a pedicure day and we just embraced our family dynamic as if that was the way it had always been.
H sent them each a token gift and hallmark card. No real personal message. Sent them the usual holiday group text. They did not respond. I felt bad for him but his gift was outdated and to text them after leaving 30 months ago???? It is tragic in many ways but you can't move thousands of miles away and just text. --- I wanted to try to fix it but this is not my relationship to fix. I simply said it was a positive thing that he is trying and I am not sure how he could handle things without it being awkward. They just moved on....
After new year's I discovered both girls went back to counseling on their own. It was a moment of great pride because I knew they'd be ok.... They knew to ask for help. They did not shy away from needing to work through things and they each said they knew I would support them 100% for practicing good self care. I was so happy just knowing they were setting boundaries and practicing self care.
It took me decades to understand self care. Life is not about perfection but they have a lot more in their toolbox when the storms roll in. For the first time, in a long time, I realized we were all starting to detach from the past.
So it is almost April. I have a new job that suits me for now. I am still in IC but the focus is on the future and my GAL is picking up. The girls and I are living well and moving on. We are a tight family. A small family but we have friends. We also celebrate each of us as individuals. I want my daughters to be strong on their own as well as with a partner. I want them to know we are not defined by H's MLC.
Guess I am up to date. Oh yeah - date??? No definitely not ready for that yet but starting to think more about tomorrow and the endless possibilities ahead.
Gwen,
I'm glad you returned to post an update. You sound good and I'm proud of you and your children for all that you've been through and survived in the last 30 months on so. It's never easy when a parent goes missing and has very little contact w/the family.
Yes, your h is missing out on a lot of important things going on in the lives of his family. It's sad when the gifts are outdated and the cards have no real meaning behind them. It just goes to show that his empathy chip is broken and his life isn't all that grand.
Congratulations on the new job! I'm glad you are keeping your focus on the future and your GAL activities.
Keep up the good work!
Hi Gwen, it's good to see a post from you and I'm glad to hear you are doing well. I always felt a bond with you as our BD month was the same and both our H's disappeared off with OW and never (thus far!!) looked back...and plus you sound like a truly lovely woman.
It is so true that MLCers drop their former lives absolutely in many cases - at least as much as they can. Fresh location, fresh person, new family. It is what I need. I met up with a long time friend of XH's recently. I presumed they were still in touch (she has been unwell and through some difficult treatment) and nothing from him - I was astonished.
I do always find the lack of contact with children hard to understand. I know it happens, but I just can't imagine letting that distance come into one's life. It is such a loss.
But the main thing is you and your girls are moving forward and living the best lives you can and credit to you for that. There is a good life to be lived beyond this situation. And I do think living through these painful times is a good path toward that. Not an easy path, but a good one nonetheless. I hope you'll keep posting from time to time Gwen, and let us know how you are doing.
Very best wishes to you all xx
Thanks Job and Sotto for your wise and kind words. This board was my lifeline when I felt simply shattered. It was here that I could listen to others and feel accepted when I couldn't accept myself.
I wish there were more stories of reconciliation. I realize they exist but I also think MWD wrote a chapter on MLC that gently prepared us for a future on our own. It really is the only way to survive. MLC doesn't leave the LBS much to work with and the situation often takes years on the rollercoaster. Not many people can tolerate years of chaos with no end in sight.
While it seems like most MLCer's don't return to their family in a traditional way - Many of us LBS's have grown in ways we never imagined. That GAL becomes kind of a self fullfilling prophecy.
Checking in and reflecting on your stories is a GAL hall of fame!
Hi Gwen, I'm new here but have a feeling that my story will end in a similar fashion as yours. I have an H who seems to care very little about our kids (except when he is between women I think or wants to prove to me that he can still come around because of them). Although I see the ongoing sadness for you, I also see strength. I am hoping to reach a similar resolve and continue to find joy in my life. Best to you and your girls.
Gwen my love, where are you? Are you ok? xoxoxo
Hi bttrfly - I'm ok. Thanks for checking on me. I have not been on the forum probably because I don't have anything encouraging to post. H said he wanted to file for D some months ago. I sent him an email outlining the changes re: our settlement if separation became divorce (life/health insurance, mortgage, etc.) - it makes more $ sense not to divorce but I can't stop him and ask him to let me know if he still wanted to proceed. Waited 2 months - nothing. Sent one more message saying please let me know his decision. Still no response. It is so hurtful to be discarded as nothing. This has been my only attempt at any communication in 8 months. He has sporadically texted our oldest and has sent bday money to both girls. That's it. I don't try to collect $ due for doctor bills for the kids. I do not ask because I don't want to go through being ignored. The feelings it brings up are not worth it. Just posting this feels awful - anyway that is where we are... I have no idea What it means. He lives with OW. He could file anytime and if that happens I will survive. I will not file because it is not in my interest to file and because I believe in the vows and the sacrament.
Am I crazy? I think the man I married no longer exists. The man I married would tell me to run for the hills and take care of the girls. I just don't know if he ever existed anymore.
Sorry butterfly- really 99% of the time I am good. Friends, work - the girls are good. I have created a new life. Still in IC and trying to invest in myself. MLC is no longer the focus but back here it all comes tumbling out. It is a long process but still moving forward.
Hey, Gwen. Thanks for stopping by at my thread. I see from you post and from your posts on other threads that you are sill hurting over how H ignores you. I know exactly what it feels like... I've been there... I think I've been in this MLC thing for about a couple of years longer than you are. I hope it will get easier for you... I also think that it would help to start thinking about doctor's bills and other money that your H would be still responsible for as a business transaction.
I have a feeling that you are holding too much within... that you are trying so hard to not rock the boat. I understand that you are trying to protect yourself from more disappointments. But, I also think that you just need to ask for what you need (I mean for financial help for your Ds) and have no expectations for the outcome. He might respond... he might not... Until you ask, the answer is going to be NO. But... you never know... and he might respond.
I find it interesting that he didn't pursue any action on the D process. I think there might be some pressure from OW, but he is not so sure anymore. Who knows what is happening in the "paradise"... It might not be a "paradise" anymore after all.
You are not crazy. The man you married still probably exists in there... he keeps some communications with your Ds and even sends some money. He is just in the fog and distress right now.
I am with you in regards to not filing for D. If he really wants it, he can do the work. But, again... it doesn't look like he is anxious to do it.
Keep moving forward, Gwen!
Gwen,
I am sorry that your h is ignoring you. It may be his way of using passive-aggressive tactics to annoy you and get you to say something to him so that he has an excuse to say "this is why I'm doing what I'm doing". The best thing to do is to not let him see that it's getting to you. When you ignore their behavior and be the good person that you are, they will eventually come to realize that you aren't going to take their bait.
Bright is right about one thing, you are trying very hard not to rock the boat. If you need financial support for your daughters, then ask for it. They are his children too. Keep your expectations at zero and if he says no, then you won't be disappointed by his response.
I have noticed that some of them won't push for a divorce because their spouses aren't pressuring them for answers, questioning them about where they are in the marriage, etc. However, it appears that the OW isn't pressuring him either at the moment. It's difficult to say how things are over in La La Land w/the OW.
The man you know and love still exists, but that personality has been stuffed way down into his soul for the time being. His hurt inner child has come out to play and until that hurt is resolved, the man you knew will only be seen once in a while. As for keeping up communications with your daughters, this may also be a way to check up on you as well. Even though he ignores you, don't think for one minute he's not thinking about you because he is. They have a way of finding out info about us and one way is through the children.
If he wants a divorce, then he should be the one to do the hard work. For now, sit quietly, the answers will come. As for him ignoring you...it's normal for someone in MLC. They are just selfish and too much into themselves. Keep the focus on you and your daughters and live your life to the fullest.
I will not file because it is not in my interest to file and because I believe in the vows and the sacrament.
You should make the decision to file or not strictly on the finances at this point. Do whatever is best for your financial security.
I appreciate your religious vows, but I think you CAN keep those vows if you wish and still be legally divorced if that is what protects you better financially. The divorce is a financial legal thing, it doesn't have to be connected to the spiritual part.
It's a bit surprising that he hasn't filed if the current arrangement benefits you financially more than him; make sure you verify that this is the case.
It is verified and designed that way. Luckily my state of residence has laws that go beyond no fault divorce. I have seen too many people not tend to business so I got an attorney as soon as I discovered ow.
kml and Job - when H left he added an automatic deduction to his account to send $ and emptied out savings. Essentially that continues years later. H just considers it a debt. Rocking the boat could have consequences because my ability to earn a higher salary is limited after decades as a stay at home mother and wife. I keep trying to focus on the bigger picture. No contact seems best because he won't even respond after months of silence. Indifference is the opposite of love. That stings.